Why You Can't Feel Loved For Who You Are - Teal Swan -
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- Опубликовано: 11 ноя 2016
- In this episode, Teal Swan explains why we can’t and don’t feel loved for who we are. She explains the origin of self-hate. Most of us don’t feel like we can be loved for who we are. As a result most of us are inauthentic. Teal Swan explains that we can’t feel loved for who we are because most parents only mirror a child when they are doing something and thus only associate a child with what they DO, we only associate ourselves with what we DO. Our entire identity becomes about what we DO. That becomes our sense of who we are. As a result, it isn’t even that we believe we are what we do. It is that we don’t feel like we exist separate from what we do.
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Teal Swan is a revolutionary for personal transformation and is one of The Most Spiritually Influential Living People in the world. As a renowned author, speaker and social media star, she travels the world teaching self-development and teaching people how to transform their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual pain.
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Beginning Song:
Kuan Yin's Mantra (c) 2002 Lisa Thiel
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"You can’t feel loved by who you are, plain and simply it’s because your entire identity, which we call the ego, is formed completely out of the things that made you exist for your parents." That was powerful. 🙏🏼
Adriana Kuprešak I didn't understand what she meant? Could you please explain ?
Well basically, your parents are the root of you feeling inadequate in your adulthood.
Rather than a parent waiting for a child to have a want and then validating that want.
The parent suggested what the child do instead, and when receiving love the child built their identity around what the parents wanted to get love. While the parents invalidated genuine wants you might have had, or emotions you might have had that they didn't like. Don't cry be happy for one huge example, or don't cry you are making a noise (sadly my version) when crying instead was much more natural for you in that moment.
For me this was almost all emotions, between the two of my parents. Anger chief among them to be vilified from my mother, joy by my father - while any identity which conflicted with my father was invalidated (which was most actions) So I formed no self identity beyond what I do or did for others, in the limited scope approved of by my father and later by my peers or school, which widened the scope slightly but has left me hollow. Most people you'll come across, see people as what they do to or for other people, rather than what they feel and want as individuals.
Does that help? Don't let your kids get to my age and have no clue who they are as people or individuals, drugging themselves to fill the hole, even with social acceptable drugs or behaviors to distract you, its no life, my brother is even worse off than I am.
Childhood is the beginning and shortest part of life. 10 years after it is over if it is still effecting you you need to work on gaining control of your own mind.
I just spaced off for 20 seconds after she said that, hahaha
teal, your videos are better than any university course in psychology! thank you.
That's really amazing, keep it up
Jonny Her videos have been my most valuable resource for my self care in terms of mental health. I only wish i had found them 4 years ago.
I have a degree in Psychology and all you do is learn about nonsense. 99% of the course is writing essays and there is not much thinking for yourself, analysing or any of the things people assume. In fact, you lose points if you begin to write about what you think lol. Every assignment goes like this: You get a title for the essay, which is typically something like "Video games do not cause aggression in young children. Discuss this statement for 40 marks" and then what happens next is you type "video games, aggression" into google scholar and you find about 30 studies, 15 of which say "yes" and 15 of which say "no" and then you paraphrase their work in 3,000 words. Then at the end, you are required to not give your opinion about what you think, it's generally accepted that the "conclusion" should basically be "both points are valid, the end" lol. It's literally nothing. It's fun, and a very easy way to earn a degree but the downside is, people expect you to know all of these things that Teal talks about and you're basically just the same as everyone else at the end of it. I would not be exaggerating if I said that if you watched one Teal Swan video a day for one week, you'd know more about yourself and the nature of things than if you completed a 3-4 year psychology degree...
i believe you. i used to print out her videos and read them to understand whatever i was looking for. its been two years since my journey, and i have grown so much in my knowledge of self and bravery to face my emotions its crazy. i outpace everyone i know
wow Good to know Jon V, I'm going to make it a personal goal to watch teal Swan for a week. her voice is soothing, I wish she was my sister,
this gave me a lot of clarity... my parents and i have never been close so they labeled me as shy and quite when i really am not i feel as if i am a shell of myself and i have never been able to be myself
I understand you. Exact same thing with my parents as well.
I'm the opposite I'm considered very loud and I do play the role of a loud person. But it's an act. I remember seeing a shy girl as school break down crying she was blond and small and everyone comforted her and I was like I'm thst girl inside...but outside I was told I was loud and bold and naughty and I would get into trouble for things like trying to warm my legs up near the radiator or wearing leggings cos I had to get the bus at 6.30 am in the morning and it was freezing in the stupid skirt for school. So I ended up being a trouble maker down the back with the other trouble makers... my old teacher said I was a little Ray of sunshine so I must have been bubbly... but that doesn't mean I was very shy. I would follow kids home from school trying to be funny and fun but I was never really included I was like a moth buzzing at the loght. I wrote a poem when I was a kid called confusion...about being a lion in a cage that couldn't open the blinds to get the light I needed to guve me the strength to open the blinds. I wrote it in a car while kids played outside..and I wanted to just say hi...can I play too..but I didnt I couldn't... I was paralysed... weird....
Waiting for validation of who you truly are from a parent amounts to beating a rock with your bare fists and expecting the rock to break
Yes.. i think the scary thing is that when we are physical adults we are now responsible to heal all the wounds of our inner child created by our parents and other people from the past..
Jarno
Very true brother. I just tell myself that they didnt know any better and that learned negative patterns of behaviour from their parents could have a lot to do with it also... Oh and in a bizzare twist after posting my original comment this morning I visited my parents and told my mother how i had gotten over my writers block and she finally displayed some approval, not much but its a start... Im actually kind of proud of her.
For decades I would ask my clients "what do you do"..99.9% wounder answer "I am an etc etc ..." I would respond "I asked you what you did not who you are " Always made them feel slightly uncomfortable. . or amused. The latter demonstrated a specific level of consciousness.
.
most people clearly shouldnt be parents. they cant love another person that needs them as they should
If you can't make sense of it how could you expect it to bring helpful? A signpost for growth would be at least asking why that view. A sign of stagnation would be to invalidate without reasoning.
Literally in school right now for a Master's in Mental Health Counseling... after binge watching your videos for the past 24 hours, and digging through what is holding me back from some of my own self discoveries... I can say that your videos reflect the necessary steps towards self actualization 100% more effectively than any course I've had through university (IMHO)
I may do that too. Quit acting, am a speaker who talks about loss, and being an orphan.
They do not teach what is actually helpful!
Same feeling what I have learnt in school.😂
well what the hell do we do then???
this is why I choose not to be a parent. I can't handle all the emotional responsibility.
How am I supposed to have a good week after the realization that I have no identity aside from my doing? 😂
Did you find who you are?
In this next week start looking. Lol 😜💕
@@wulf4713 wow! I forgot I've posted this comment... I was in such a bad place back then, its so weird to me that I wrote it 😂 Anyways, I agree 100% with you 💯
Thank you so much for answering, I'm sure someone needs to read this ❤️
Ah I don’t seem to agree with this. I feel like I have a firm identity separate from anything that I do. I personally believe that real love is not contingent or dependent upon what someone does
Because not having an identity isn't the end of the world. It's the start of knowing who you really are. Which is a being. And being is unbearably wonderful.
i feel intense anxiety when someone appears to love me unconditionally and for who i am. i don't know what to do about this. i feel legit fear
Let yourself being loved,ptobably you have a fear of commitment or fear that you will get hurt,watch other teals video to find your answer x🤗
You’re scared of yourself
Probably fear of intimacy
I feel ya, hun. I know this comment is old, but know that you're not alone. It took, literally, years for me to accept that my own fiance loves me. No matter how many times he said or showed it, I always felt sure that, one day, he'd leave me. Part of that is due to my past relationships. But I know a lot of it has to do with growing up in an environment where I didn't feel loved most of the time and that I wasn't worthy of it. So, much like in Teal's words in another video, I inwardly became my mother's hurtful words and used them on myself, even to this day. I'm so damn thankful and grateful that my fiance loves me despite how often I tried to push him away over the years just to "protect" myself (and him, as I always told myself).
Once you realize where that fear comes from, you can then unravel it and begin to let it go. It's quite cathartic. It's a rough road if you've dealt with lots of abuse (whether emotional and/or physical), but worth it. If you can learn to accept love when it's given to you freely, you can begin to see that you're worth that love and more.
@@MidnightSonnet thanks for your comment
Thank you for making me a better parent :)
yes please, do for your son/daughter what most of us didn't get. much love
Yaaay!! Love and blessings ❤
@@alderusan Yes the dysfunctional parents caused so much trouble for the whole damn planet.
Thats beautiful of your realisation!
Please also write a book on proper parenting and circulate it to Indians- I am from India. Parenting here = I am right and you are wrong!
Please set an example for proper parenting
“Your entire identity, that which we call the ego, is formed completely out of the things that make you exist for your parents.”
I never understand emotional dark age until now.
Teal, I wish I could have had this knowledge when my kids were small. What you sum up in ten minutes in such a simple way corresponds to the essence of a great number of thick psychological books that we would never read through. Thank you for giving it to us .
I'm crying at how accurate this is
Daniel Puder talks about this!!! "We're human beings, not human doings. We've forgotten that"
I've always been drawn to your videos but couldn't really relate to them until now. I guess my heart wasn't ready to hear the truth until now. Thanks for speaking your truth.
OMG Teal is ON POINT. She is so authentic, understanding and compassionate in her delivery
Omg! Such a timely video...just what I needed to know. Thank you Teal👍🏻
So deep... and so exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you Teal Swan!
I have never made a single comment to youtube since I started going here over 10 years ago. But this video and the insight I got (as a soul, person, woman, mother, daughter and every other version of me) is defenetly worth it. Thank you Teal.
What an incredible human you are! Thank you for sharing this for those of us that were rejected for not being who our parents wanted us to be. Thank you for sharing for those of us who took years to figure out exactly who we are(separate from our parents) and for those who are still in the process. You are a wise woman! Thank you again for sharing your gift of spirit and knowledge. Just bought your book The Completion Process and so excited to read it!
Again you are telling my truth. who I am has been completely ignored by my parents and still is to this day and yet my spirit overcomes with joyfulness that I am on my most awakened path!
What a gut punch of an ending. Extremely powerful video. I can't put to words how amazing and meaningful your work is for me. Thank you very much
Very helpful - thank you! First be much and then do much. The world seems to be full of people doing much without being much (Being much in the sense of Teal's explanations).
This is easily one of the Best Teachings on sense of self, identity and how to begin loving the self (it can start the healing process).
I keep telling people about you. You are an absolute wisdom ball. I have never seen anyone who has this kind of knowledge
This is genius, i didn't understand it the first time I watched it but now it's so clear, there's no "who I am", because I haven't created it, i created the "who I am" now i was able to love "that" and others could love it too.
It's pure genius
We have to create our own identity of ourselves and by ourselves, based on the things we would like to be, instead of the things we do, we then will love ourselves because we like who we are and then when people love us they will love us for who we are, because we created that identity
Otherwise we will never feel loved for who we are, because there's no "we are", there's only "the things we do". If you create "who you are", then that will come into existence and then you and people will be able to love "it"
Wow. Your explanations are really great. I grew up without any positive mirroring from my parents, and like you said I didn't know who I was. I was diagnosed with Borderline in my Teenage years because I was on a constant journey to find the real me. I took other peoples Styles and Behaviours because I thought they would be right for me, but realized every single time, that I was wrong and went on searching again. I am 31 now and still don't know who I am. Now I finally understand why I am this way.
It's never too late to start again.
One of your very best videos. Amazing level of clarity you provided with this. You don't have to be into spirituality or esotericism at all to appreciate the tremendous value of this particular teaching. Hopefully, the ego will be taught soon in schools. Thank you Teal
Your videos make me so happy, and I absolutely love when you crack yourself up.
Heard it before, but her words sunk in. Thank you, Teal.
This video is my prayer answered. I really wanted the answers as to why I don't feel loved as me other than what I do. Thanks Teal.
i am healed right now. thank you teal.
Teal - you hit the nail on the head! I will be more conscious of this in my daily life....
Eye-opening! It seems like there is so much more to understand about the human nature and our own selves , knowing which can eventually liberate us from our past and help us in improving the world through the relationships we form. Thank you teal! You are really an ascended soul helping people like us evolve through your knowledge.
Wow......amazing explanation, as usual. Anytime it feels like yeah that’s the truth. You just opened my eyes every single time.
Now it’s time to heal....
And sadly enough not only I wasn’t mirrored for who I am but not even for what I do, actually only for what I would do wrong...lots of work ahead.
A brilliant one again! Thanks for being you ànd doing what you do! 😉❤️😘
Thank you, Teal. This message resonates and reinforces experiences recovered over a few years of deep regressions. Posted on my birthday, no less. :)
Wow. Just wow. This is the cutting edge.
My son said "I am very authentic."
i love your videos, they always bring me up when I am down.
This is my favorite!!!! Totally makes me chuckle. She gets it!!!
I was stuck for two months now didnt know what to do..and it struck me when you said “we’re only acknowledged when we do something that benefit our parents “
And I realized i was stuck because i had a war in my mind between what i want to do and what i think my dad wants me to do..and I didn’t even notice it until you said it yourself
Damn thank you teal ❤️
This video is so amazing, so wonderful, such a wonderful reminder of what is going on inside so many, so lost, so confused regarding their 'identity' and how they 'identify' themselves, for you are love, truly, deeply, and at the core, babies know, children know and perhaps its simply a reality we need to find our way back to...many parents get caught up in the ego and treat the child as an extension of their own needs....always sending the message...what are you doing for me...when in fact the child gets lost 'doing' to please the parents, and loses sight of the reality, that they are love, and when they are not acknowledged as love, the heart withdraws, and the ego goes and identifies with whatever it believes will 'provide love' back where it is lacking, for it is lacking in the receiving, the child doesn't feel received as love....
Truth - I have been feeling this for a while and still have no idea who I am. This helps me at least see one aspect of why there is this void when i look inward. :) Thanks Teal!
Every saturday im so grateful love teal and thanks again
Definitely a different perspective, I enjoyed it. Thanks Teal.
She’s amazing, great insights Teal!
I freaking LOVE that little giggle she always does 😂 we’d get along so well
Love this. Great vid. Really makes sense.And makes me feel sad too.
I imagine healing from this would look like discovering what things you like outside of what you do and finding people who love you for who you are just as you are.
Thankyou once again for this message.
Teal you are the most incredible spiritual teacher. Holy mother of pearl I love you!! Thank you Thank you Thank you
You have so much insight into so many things, you have more books in you!
This started a bridge to some other part. Thank you!
I want to say thank you Teal🙏🏾 for all the years your knowledge has guided me and given me hope when I needed it..Thank You ❤
That was so true. It's all about a balance. We need to have a positive identity of ourselves in order to love ourselves. It must be composed of our impression of ourselves of who we are which could be achieved through observing (not judging) our initial feelings (not deeds) to our environment and then, (in some cases that might be enough) and here's the thing, allowing ourselves to react (doing) based on those initial feedbacks. Thank you.
Thank you! I needed this! :D
Oh Teal... how ever do you do it?? You're always right..... you know me and all my plans and the exact motives behind them... it's so magical of you
Somehow, when I love, I feel loved, too. When I feel love for this world, for the people, for having this human life and making this experience and just everything, I feel love stronger than anything else, compassion, gratitude. And in that moment, I feel safe, free, peaceful, complete, whole and loved. I'm curious if this feeling of being loved is just me feeling the field of my own love or if the universe or something is/are really loving me back. If there is really a difference. Sorry, I can't put it in words, especially in English words. I always wonder how Teal can verbalise things so greatly. Thank you for your amazing videos, you are helping a lot of people.
erdmaennchen82 I understand. I think it is love for yourself, therefore others, that you feel :) I think it is what it is. I think you know what I mean. Haha
Bless you that’s cute
I love your videos, I'm always in awe with every video you make. I love to think about things like this and I aspire to think in your likeness by thinking for myself. I aspire to reach your level of disidentification and hope to be something great and think great things because of it. Thank you so much for giving me a sense of unity.
I love you teal!! your work has helped me so much.
This was articulated so well.
Thanks for this great video, Teal. It would be really helpful if you put links to the videos you recommend in the description. Much love!
people can always talk and say that Teal have dark light or whatever but you have to agree with one thing: she always have good explanations about things!
Ahh teals videos havent been resonating at all lately... finally this does!!!
thank you so much for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im speechless
I really enjoyed watching your video. Wonderful! Thank you.
You saved my life
You changed my life
You lightened up my life
You opened my eyes
Everything I feel and went through makes sense now because of you !
some well needed advice for today. thanks
Geez, I just figured out more of 8th Insight from the Celestine Prophesy... My mom's not-doing/lack of accomplishment and low self-esteem she had while I was growing up showed me that I didn't want to be powerless like her and that accomplishment is how to succeed. Except... it's empty success because it's what I was told to do by my dad -- like society does for us all. Mind. Blown. Yet again. Thanks for making this video, Teal. I'll need to think a bit further on how this relates to my Purpose(s) for Being.
Things make more sense now....thank you!
...awesome!!! Thank you for being. 🌸
I love you Teal, you are opening compartments of my consciousness.
Wow. Food for thought. Thank you.
This is so good!
Thanks you so much Teal!🙏🙏🙏
I resonated fully with what you said Teal Swan and screw the haters that bash on you! Screw people that do not understand you! I do! Love and Light to you! +Teal Swan
Heady….going to have to watch this a couple more times : ) thank you Teal.
thank you for addressing the problem complete with associated examples. but i was hoping for solutions and maybe an example or two of those solutions.
you put a grate deal of my life in words that I couldn't put together
woooow! mind blowing. Love this woman.
Thank you Teal!Love and light☆
Everything you said about how our identities are formed made perfect sense. I guess my next question is how to we as a people move beyond associating ourselves with what we do? What can we associate with just being? Or is this just a part of being human and a way to explain our egos so we don't get too attached to them? This video left me with a great starting point for understanding, but also a ton of questions about what to do next! Thank you.
Teal I am in the mental health field, thank you for Healing a Healer!
soo good, hit it right on the spot
Thank you for all this information, is very clear and similar to what psicoanalisis has taught. Great!
Teal..you are helping me like crazy much
Great wow,to observe the way you present ur self is reflected. Thank-you. Len( wisdom before creation )
This is a really interesting one, and very pertinent to my situation - I have been in a work situation where I was achieving a great deal, had very positive work relationships and also was gaining status relative to my boss. He had been, unbeknownst to me, telling a completely different story at senior levels about my performance, and characterising my high achievement, focus on many simultaneous projects and high level delivery as 'chaotic and confused' (in fact had he asked it was highly planned and extremely well organised and structured - he just couldn't keep up with it - his capability was very low in comparison. At any point he could have seen the time plan and weekly schedule.
Because I had realised that some resistance was happening at senior levels, without knowing why, I decided to communicate my successes more effectively. It was then that the full horror of what he wanted others to believe about me came out. He made up evidence, characterising me as someone who was untrustworthy, deceptive, misusing the internet, etc etc. The organisation turned against me, and communicated an unrelenting negative picture of me and all my attributes that had generated success became 'problems'. It was fascinating to learn that he had not only been untrustworthy, deceptive and game-playing himself. but was also running an internet trading business at work on their servers, and when he looked up search terms that I had used at work eg 'analytical chemistry' his computer suggested pornography in the search results, where mine did not - suggesting that he used his computer at work for pornography. Guess what he also tried (but failed) to pin on me.
It was highly revealing.
What is fascinating is how much, as an adult, this led me to feel that all my positive self perceptions were coming across to the outside world as completely the opposite. Because, as part of this person's campaign against me, I was banned from talking to colleagues who might have rebalanced my self-esteem and self-perception. Family didn't because they only saw the person now made unemployed.. and blamed me for 'not being able to get on with people at work' - er thanks guys... and basically did more damage. The horrible part is that trying to fight that perception on your own is near impossible as everytime you look externally, the signs are that the negative is true.
This meditation helps in making sense of all that, and I think this outlook is far more interesting in explaining many so called mental health situations than the 'traditional' organic failure explanations.
Interesting indeed!
I’m going to work on self referencing - and that positive mirroring. That’s my life’s work.
never stop making videos becouse of you im geting better :)
so true. i was never allowed to just be a dumb playful teenager when having a career was the only thing on my parents mind. im trying to compensate for it now but whenever i feel sad i notice myself placing an expectation on myself to be stronger bc i’ll be “needed later” in life as a teacher. it’s like my reflex: numbing and avoiding my pain instead of letting myself just be in pain and feel my hurt. instead of just letting myself be where i am right now.
Outstanding Teal!
Watching her parenting commentary, I think it boils down to that basic message in this video: Be a Positive Mirror and treat your child as you would treat yourself with Love.
I think there's a lot of truth to what you say. The part about only associating who you are with what you do is very interesting. Because I have had ME for 8 years I don't 'do' anything now. I don't have a job and haven't even really been engaged in hobbies. So, it seems the less I do the more space I have to really find the real me. I think if you listen to yourself and really give yourself enough time, spending plenty of time away from other people, you can really find who you really are deep inside, and what you find might surprise you!
you know what i am sooooo greatfull that you excist you teached me a whole new world i appreaciate everything that you do for us thank you thank you !!!
this is realy epik how good it is
So how do you love a child? How do you acknowledge just for being? How can you be intimate with little kids? Thank you so much for your wonderful videos
Amazing video. Perfectly describes my life
THANKS for sharing.. Got it.. ♥️♥️♥️♥️
Teal your stuff is really enlightening! If you were to come out with a book on how to raise conscious children, I would definitely purchase it. :)
I ask my self
Who am I without my doer?
A blessing .. mercy .. enough
My eyes 😳wow I didn't feel that as strong as now
Thank you 💜