Does your Spouse Blame you for Everything ? | Dr. David Hawkins
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- Опубликовано: 17 янв 2023
- Have you ever been in a situation where your spouse finally agrees to go to counseling after months of resisting, only for it to backfire? It seemed to go well at first and you were cautiously optimistic, but then things quickly went south when he started to use everything he was learning in those counseling sessions as a weapon against you! All of a sudden, he’s the victim, and you’re the abuse r! While not common, this is something we have seen occur, and Dr. Hawkins shares his insights on what to do if you find yourself in this situation.
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Dr. Hawkins and his team of experts offer education and professional training as well as treatment for narcissistic and emotional abuse.
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About
The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts about narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.
Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships. He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse.
Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship. In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, topics include covert, reactive, spiritual, secondary, relationship trauma and more.
#abuse #counselling
There are people who actually blame others for things they themselves are really guilty of.
It's not normal to do it as an adult.
All women do this
Saying, please stop makes the bullying and gaslighting worse
I did t even make accusations
I just wanted us to be accountable for our own actions. 🙄
Right 😢 impossible
And that's the worst part of it. Husband won't even try to listen to actual videos or articles from actual psycholohists so he can eveb try to understand what I feel and why I act the way I do. I'm so tired of trying to make my relationship work. I wish I never got married and had kids. It's not f*cking worth it!
Ever since my husband acquired his Tik-Tok degree in psychology, he has used every bit of his social media education against me 😒🥴
😂
Omg this is my girlfriend, it’s exhausting.
@@user-jy1hy6do9u Exactly!
😂 Tell him to prove it, "Let's go to couple's counseling" but do it after you have done separate counseling so you can compare notes. 😂 He'll probably stfu and not want to go.
So if someone is being a hypocrite, you can’t tell them they are being hypocrite? For example, they’re constantly disregarding your emotions saying you’re a drag, but get extremely mad at you for not listening to them
Yes! The childish behaviour that these grown individuals end up using…to trigger their targets emotions, in attempt to ‘win’ in every aspect of the relationship, is shocking. There is nothing they will not stoop to…to get what they want, and to make their target look unhinged…in absolutely every single situation.
They are biologically grown, but have arrested development emotionally.
What do you do if you are married to a person with above behaviors? Stay or leave? If conversations, therapy, etc...nothing helps?
What if they always say " I won"- like it's all about winning and loosing.They try to always find someone to blame.they get into argument about small things,scream at you ....
@@drdavidbhawkins
Is it healthy to stay, or is it better to leave ?
Ya know, I’m a devout Christian this requires honesty and humility…I too was once a narcissist, but then I turned four years old!!!!
Yesterday we were in the supermarket, he was taking some bread for him and struggled to put it in the plastic bag, I helped him but I didn't help him the way he wanted (I don't know how he wanted it) and so he rolled his eyes. I am not his slave so I told him to not roll his eyes at me for something like this. His answer then was to leave the supermarket without me and went home and said he lock the door leaving the key in. We were moving house and I am already in the new one, so he knows I have a place to go, but all this was very very hurtful. I don't need all this extra pain he gives me
Same here..I asked hubby to paint living room which he didn’t want to do, got mad and spilt paint all over floor which I cleaned up then got mad and threw the paint roller with stick out in the yard..from now on I’ll hire someone to do things that need done that I can’t do even though I pretend he dead and not here to do things so I do what I can myself😂
Why do you treat him like a baby? Why are you judging the way he puts things into bags? Do you not see how fucking insufferable it is to micromanage him over stupid things like that? This is why he hates you. You're overbearing and annoying and you act like his mom.
That’s what my husband did> he USED the therapists words against me.
I get this all the time I get social media stuff sent to me all day saying I’m narcissistic. But she wasn’t always this way just after she had kids. No matter what I do I am wrong and there no changing it in her mind
When I made an attempt to tell my spouse how I feel when she said XYZ to me... her response: "I guess I need to "snow flake" it up for you" or "I guess I'm just a bad wife" or "If I make you feel that way then maybe I should just pack my bags and leave so you no longer feel that way." Instead of just listening to understand rather than listening to fire back a response! I love her, unconditionally... 10x more than I love myself... though how do I work with a spouse like that!?!?!
You are a great man. Your marriage will last. My girl does the same thing to me.
@@RubyVideoFan - How do you work with that and what do you do???
@@jeremygeorge9494 Wife: We have some activities like helping our friends distribute flyers going door-to-door. Me: I am tired, I want to rest. Wife: What?You want to rest!!. (She once called me lazy pig). Another time:Wife: Don't cut the bushes or tree branches. Me: I want to cut them to trim. Wife: You are unreasonable. (Argued for a long time) 3 months later. Wife: Ok, you can cut the bushes and tree branches. Me: What? I wanted to do that and you did not want me to cut them.
@@RubyVideoFan- What did you say when you reminded her that she didn't want the bushes trimmed up?
@@jeremygeorge9494 i softly and nicely said to her almost like this, 'Hey, 3 months ago, i wanted to cut the bushes and branches, and you didn't want me to. We argued about it. Remember?' She just said nothing and walked away to continue to do other housework. I was once told by women and men not to bring up stuff to put blame on a wife. But i had to kindly remind her.
I think these comments show the problem in relationships. Lack of accountability and a men vs women mindset. Both are capable of being toxic and harmful to the other. We need to see things as a partnership again
You can thank feminism for that
There’s a millions videos to help women cope and escape accountability.
Not much for men out here.
We suck it up, whether at work, home, or anywhere in the world.
We take whatever comes our way and find a way to keep going.
We don’t get the luxury of stopping and pointing fingers, whining about our feelings, or dwelling on all of our lives problems.
We wouldn’t function if we did.
Hmm….it honestly should work both ways ladies.
You sound like you hate someone.
I want to hit like because everything you're saying is true. I can't though, because I don't understand why the professionals contributions to this isn't even mentioned. My husband did exactly what you described and worse, but his therapist just keeps doing sessions at 150 a pop, and either believes/validares all of his lies and stories...or knows he's lying and faking but validates and acts like he believes it all. This has been a pattern through 5 different experts. When victims have to be "taught" how to deal with extra therapy induced abuses and traumas, there's obviously an issue on the professional side too.
Same experience, Lisa!
Sorry to hear what you've endured. We do have other videos on secondary abuse and the lack of education and training amongst professionals on recognizing and treating covert psychological abuse tactics. This is one of the many videos we have on secondary abuse: ruclips.net/video/ZvYRd59T_XQ/видео.html
Yes it is true. Therapists with less experience can cause further damage.
You can still hit like, because he's against the bad you're mentioning.
Are you still with your husband ?
Because they need to grow up. It takes 2. It also takes 2 that can become 1, that's willing to compromise, be patient and supportive.
I could see myself trying to do that to my partner, but not manipulative but to try and diagnose which isnt in my lane or my profession. I know to just stay in my lane when I see my therapist and hope he chooses to finally see one himself. I can see him trying this on me too whenever he goes to therapy.
I felt this video to my core. In the beginning of my marriage I used to try and help my wife understand what she didn't and she loved me for it. But at some point I can't pinpoint she stopped accepting my help and started being combative when my information was in conflict with what she was willing to accept. So I stopped, and she now blames me for discontinuing my efforts, and have tried to explain on numerous occasions why, but she denies my explanation and says I'm wrong or being manipulative, and denies any acknowledgment and keeps insisting that I'm at fault and my feelings are lies. I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do, any and all advice would be appreciated
That Part!!!!
She is the one being manipulative with an assertive twist. She is accusing you and blaming you for her own immaturity and lack of self-awareness. I was there for years, it never goes away or gets better. The good times aren't really good times, it was just times you were being agreeable and in alignment with her views, her ideas, her wants and her needs. Sorry to be so direct, I hope I am not offending you, but I lived it for a long time. I know exactly what you are saying and understand. They will pretend they don't understand, shift blame, get loud, play victim, lie, the list goes on. They are incapable of self-reflection but think they know themselves so well. Unless they are willing to get help there is no changing it. Best of luck to you and your health and happiness.
@@show_me_your_kittieswow you just explained my situation. “They pretend to know themselves. They are incapable of self-reflection. The good times are when your agreeable.”
Daaaaaaamn. I think i’m in the thick of it so not sure who’s in the wrong…but I do know she does the majority of blaming and yelling, and I DEFINITELY am more the “concerned” one. It’s tough.
You're telling my story. Literally everything I do has nothing but either negative consequences or just neutral unresponsiveness. I can't ever say what I need to say. I can't ever ask the questions I need to ask. It's nothing but a cycle of neverending narcissism. Every attempt I make to get her to understand me is met with her just not caring at all. And all she wants is her way. She doesn't realize how good she can have it. Foolishly woman
Spot the fuck on!!!!
My husband continues to use te "stop" method to completely shut me up...for months at a time or entirely on any issue that is important to me. He then speaks to me condescendingly and tells me I refuse to follow instructions we are paying for in the session because he refuses to have conversations but uses the pause method recommended and as excuse.
Some issues need to be addressed in the presence of a counselor who can facilitate the conversation. But yes, this is another example of using what is learned in counseling as a weapon to manipulate another person.
Not talking about what someone really needs to talk about is manipulative and controlling too. I'm trying to fix my issues because we grow up and sometimes our parents come flying out of our mouths. But I think not allowing someone to communicate and then triggering them to get angry is manipulative too. Because it does cause anger.
If the spouse is lying, then I would agree that is or might be abuse (depending on the circumstances), but if it is true then I don't see why it would be emotional abuse. It looks more like accountability. The Bible tells us to confront our brother with his sin in Matt 18.... how much more so our spouse? Telling each other our faults is not necessarily abusive. It's different if one spouse won't listen to rebuke or correction but constantly berates the spouse with false accusations. If an accusation is true, then the offending spouse should repent and ask forgiveness for the offense. If the offender gets all mad and yells "emotional abuse".... "emotional abuse". Well, that appears to be a cop out excuse to deflect attention from the offense... it's an escape mechanism. A good counselor should be teaching each spouse how to confront the other Biblically and also how to receive a correction or rebuke. I see too many counselors turn the whole thing into a "bash the husband" exercise. If the husband needs accountability, then great, give him correction, instruction, and accountability. But don't let the other spouse off the hook. Counseling sessions and books are for both spouses and there's nothing wrong with one spouse confronting the other with an offense they learned about in a book or counseling session.
Thanks for your perspective. Undoubtedly both spouses have things they need to work on as no one is perfect, but there is a time and an appropriate way to do this. When there is abuse involved, the rules are a bit different and couples counseling is not advised until the abuse is addressed.
I had a VERY VERY bright lightbulb in my head today when my irrationally raging husband texted me, “Do u even understand WHY I got angry”? The question itself says a lot about him doesn’t it> that he’s looking to blame me for HIS RAGE. if only you knew what happened you’d grieve horribly knowing that because of his selfishness, arrogance, impatience, etc etc instead of helping me with my emotional pain I was having, he turned into a victim somehow that my expression of emotions(that by the way is not about him & he agrees in the beginning), yet ended up somehow being a victim because I said “this emotional pain is too overwhelming, I’d rather not live”….he became irate FALSELY accusing me of sayin I threatened to kill myself and woe is him, how does that make HIM feel that I was going leave him by kill8mg myself…when IT IS NOT WHAT I SAID, and he doesn’t allow me to correct that either….that’s not what I meant at all. It’s like saying oh my gawd, this sciatic or back pain or migraine is bad nothing is helping to relieve the pain, I want to die……but he says nope you’re threatening to leave me…..it justifies his rage. Allows him to be victim….when it was ME IN THE FORST place who was hurting terribly and then I didn’t get ANY help, no sympathy, no nothing…just shaming, bashing, berating. Gawd, he’s. Fkn A-hole! You bet I’m angry, it’s not right!!!
My husband continuously blames me for the abuse our adult son heaps on me regularly. He lives with us and has been all his life. We do everything for him, but all he does is break our hearts and lie to us. Anytime I ask my husband for help. Regardless, how I say it, he either ignores me, minimizes the problem, or even blames it on me. I’m tempted to leave. I feel like running away. But I still love my husband with all my heart. And I absolutely love my adult son. I know he struggles with mental illness. But the ongoing abuse has made me depressed and I was diagnosed with lupus.the constant tension and anger in the house is exhausting. Please tell me what to do.
Leave both their lazy entitled azzs
Egad. Exactly. He badgers me until I stop the argument for sanitys sake, then the therapist said to go back to subject. Well its been beat to death, mostly one way. I'm done with topic.
It may be because they are tired of the other spouse being apathetic and ignoring their feelings and they get so frustrated they do that
To help people in talk shows sometimes we just need to get to the point .
-a very YOUNG child! Two years old even
But then he will do the same thing, which halts any growth or me being heard.
What if the originally accused is right?
But what if you both have narcissistic tendencies and the thing they bring to your attention has validity? Is it fair if you can bring something up for them to work on, but not the other way around?
I guess how is it done? Is it brought us in a humble manner, with kindness and heartfelt, genuine concern? Or just say “yeah maybe so, I’ll definitely think about this, thank you.”
We are all a work in progress, none of us are perfect so in all likelihood, yes both parties probably have some things they need to work on. But the point Dr. Hawkins is making in this video is that counseling is for you to work on yourself. There is a time and place, and an appropriate way, to bring up concerns about your partner, not in an accusatory manner.
Very few people are actual narcissists. That word gets thrown around so much to demonize anyone you don't agree with
In a relationship, the woman is always right. My divorced friend told me. My co-workers told me a woman is right even if she knows that she's wrong. These words kept my marriage going.
Get out of the marriage because resentment is real, trust me.
Nah this is str8 facts.
There’s a millions videos to help women cope and escape accountability.
Not much for men out here.
We suck it up, whether at work, home, or anywhere in the world.
We take whatever comes our way and find a way to keep going.
We don’t get the luxury of stopping and pointing fingers, whining about our feelings, or dwelling on all of our lives problems.
We wouldn’t function if we did.
Hmm….it honestly should work both ways ladies.
I can identify
Idk. Probably don’t need to worry about it since he’s refused therapy or even praying with me though he claims to me a righteous Christian man. Still then we can’t reference anything like these videos or any evidence that emotional abuse exists? Seems contradictory and leaves me more confused.
Just go to therapy by yourself. Also being religious has no tie to being a good person it just means you were raised with a form of indoctrination and in fact many religious households are full of abuse and toxicity.
My wife claims to be Christian and she doesn't care about the things of God at all. Hates going to church. Prayer means nothing to her. I think I'm unequally yoked.
My husband is perinoid schizophrenic and is now 50 he literally blames me for everything and thinks i poised the meals i cook so he doesn't eat blames me for everything thats messes up or goes wrong tells me all the time to shut the fuck up i dont know what to do anymore we have been married for 25 years and hes getting worse
I need help 😢
My husband uses the Happy Wife youtube lady who blames all good mens issues on the wife. Its the females that have the problem. They are the drama queens and that us women have to look at ourselves before we have an opinion on our husbands.
He sends me her videos everyday saying" see she explains your issues" so I am the one who needs to change, because this lady says I'm the one with the problems. Its my fault that I get emotionally and verbally abused and that my husband is validated for what he does. 😢
I am a woman and I refuse to date, hookup, have babies, or have romantic relationships with men.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Just get a divorce quit complaining or live with it dam everyone crying for nothing everybody has issues everyone
I do not approve this message
If you cant tell someone your married to what you learned in counseling and point out the problem then wtf is the point of going to counseling. If the person doesn't know they cant change. Your one of them feelings therapist, i will never call you a doctor...all yall do is read a book and think every brain works the same. If i cant say something because Feelings might get hurt then i dont want you in my life anyway. This is why America is turning into sissys
My thoughts exactly lol this guy is poisoning people