How To Deal With Blame Shifting
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- Опубликовано: 9 фев 2022
- How to deal with blame-shifting.
At the core of blame shifting is denial-self-deception. The complete inability to take ownership or responsibility for their thoughts, feelings or action and to then project that irresponsibility onto others.
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Hi, I'm Kenny and I created this channel for you!
It has been my experience that the media, society, and our parents often teach us to avoid admitting, facing, or talking about any of our negative feelings and experiences.
This belief system cripples us. As a result, we are without the basic skills to navigate the simplest of life's ups and downs.
Even worse, it creates a separation from our authentic self because we learn the world will shame us for our slightest imperfection.
My life turned around when I realized that the answer is in the opposite.
I discovered that the solution to an authentic life lies in our ability to admit, accept, and love our perfect imperfections.
That can only happen when we heal the pain from the past that created the shame by becoming trauma informed.
Because when we make peace with even the darkest parts of ourselves, we are capable of loving ALL of ourselves. Therefore we are authentic.
Without it, we are stuck in purgatory. Instead, we are reliving the original pain and shame in our relationships, career, health, and hobbies.
Therefore, the secret to avoiding a life stuck in limbo is developing emotional mastery.
When we gain that knowledge, develop it into a skill that becomes a tool, we stop picking toxic relationships.
We don't settle for unsatisfying careers. We don't struggle with depression or health issues. We stop the self-sabotage!
In short, we develop a deep emotional calm, peace, personal love, trust, and respect for ourselves that we can now share with others.
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I am excited to be a part of YOUR journey in helping you to heal the pain from your past, love your perfect imperfections, and reclaim your authentic self by developing Emotional Mastery!
#Kenny Weiss life coach #Kenny Weiss youtube #Scottsdale life coach #hg tudor
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1. ask yourself If it’s true… there’s no way to know because they blame so much that you feel like you don’t know anything anymore lol
Well in my case some the things he blames me for are true, however they are irrelevant and have nothing to do with the issue I am addressing him for. I was addressing his abuse and his response was to call me a whore because I had a high body count before I met him which he has known our whole relationship. I still have only slept with him for the past 10 years and he also blames me for the instances where he has been physically violent toward me. He said he was never violent in any other relationships so I must be the problem. The thing about that is I'm the only serious relationship he has had as an adult. His other relationships were in high-school and he never lived with or had children with them. Aside from that it is never a victims fault that the abuser chose to act out violently on them.
Yes! For years , I try to make my sister happy.. Finally I prayed& wrote a note" pkease get help and take bettercare of YOURSELF"!
@@aurora8749 q
Keep a journal. This will help you keep track of reality and confirm that you are not crazy. Ideally, the blame shifter should keep a journal so that they can keep track of reality and their self deceptions. But spoiler alert - they never will. Because thats accountability. And they avoid it at all costs
I've noticed that after 4.5 yrs with a blameshifter, I end up doing it too because otherwise I take the blame for everything
It's often done very craftily. Ie, it's not that im impatient it's that you're slow, it's not that i have no empathy, it's that you're sensitive. It's not that im giving you the silent treatment, it's that you were aggressive. Argh it's impossible
Wow exact same words that I have heard 😢
Your voice and demeanor is masculine and strong, yet so comforting
I do not take the blame shifting that my spouse throws at me, I just make him feel stupid. He gets drunk, blames me for his irritability when he’s hanging over! I laugh at him and keep it moving cause I feel fine!
Accountability is what I never get in return. The how and why questions for the kids is really helpful. Thanks.
I used the just agree with them thing with my wife last night! She started calling the mustard bottle a can of coke. I started to feel like striking back...caught myself..saw her projection...then just 100% agreed with her that it was a coke! Shut her down! It felt great! Starting to win these things...feels good! Thanks Kenny!
What's hard is when you have been deeply betrayed and hurt by someone, almost driven to the point of suicide, your faith in God almost stripped away, and everybody who knows your abuser tells you how WONDERFUL he is and they tell you that YOU'RE the problem when YOU'RE the one who was hurt and NOT ONE of them believes you. That is the problem of having someone around you who's a charming Narcopath (narcissist + psychopath). Only one church leader believed me and helped me through it, and it was a full six months before anybody else did.
I’m the blame shifter. I collapsed for 2 and half years. Woke up from it and my life is and was mess. I didn’t work, barely cleaned, gained 25lbs. Now, I keep wanting to blame others it is sad. I take responsibility for a while and then I start blaming again.
Well, you’re aware! Congrats to start the growing process! Best wishes 💕
What if it’s not only blame, but the cause? To tell that something wrong is blaming?
I’m just exhausted at this point with my ex. I give up. He can blame me all he wants. He’s incapable of self reflection and he can’t change…it’s who he is.
My responsibility is I stayed and took his abuse.
Yes I’d like to see how we deal with persons like that.
I like it, that you are talking about the Narcississts not in a way like they are mean people. They are victims of themselves and their upbringing and they need help. But of course, we need to be consequent when we deal with them.
I'm exhausted trying so hard to empathize with someone who incapable of, or unwilling to, empathize with me. I don't care, I want them to do the work for once. I appreciate the sentiment though. It just feels like these types of people are destroying everyone and yet everyone else has to bend and twist and do tons of therapy just to not feel destroyed.
Narcissists aren't empathic. Don't pity them.
My ex wife is the queen of blameshifting...just caused countless arguments. I saw a video on tik tok the other day, a woman was caught cheating and she blamed the husband because he is never home...always at work pulling double shifts...WTF!!!
That's just a woman thing. Pretty universal.
No that's a narcissist thing. If they cheat they will blame you.
That's a classic cluster B personality disorder trait
What Kenney explains here matches with a few other experts who have a true understanding of not only behavior, but spirituality (inner self, REAL yoga, etc) & linguistics. When you recognize this, things that might be explained a bit differently but mean the same thing, it gives weight to it. What he says here matches what Sadhguru, HG Tudor, Lisa A Romano, & Martin Decoder teach - there are very few people in the world who have this knowledge and understand it so well.
Great video, thank you.
I have been doing “giving back the problem “ and I have been unaware I was doing it. Now I understand.
Thank you for explaining.
Alex G
Glad it helped!
The correction to a choice and not to the child themselves is crucial. Reassuring the child is not bad and then redirect them to a choice that was made, therefore have them rethink the choice which will help them separate themselves from taking on shame or guilt.
Very well said! =)
That was best explanation...Indeed I was searching for solution in RUclips.. But everywhere they were amplifying problem n providing reasoning for blame shifters mindset. Only in ur video, I got the solution on how to deflate the blame shifters
You are most welcome :)
thanks a million. Now I have a better understanding of what blame shifting is and how I was a victim. I learned to blame my parents, specially my dad as being bad. I remember those days when my father play lotto back home and lost. He would find every excuse to beat me. or he would say something like you will never never amount to be anything in life because you're so hard headed as if I could not make it without him. When he left my mom, his last word was, I'll see you with your kids. Again he wanted to portray himself as the savior. you're right when you say that's not their fault they never learn to be a parent. it was trial an error. Thanks for your video. It really open my eyes. I, myself am a blame shifter. I take my hat off to you.
It's difficult to understand them and deal with them giving them healing and re assurance when they do not own up at all it's like gaslighting and it makes you unlove the person. It is not easy
It's true that's why I'll be proper but ill never go out of my way to be extra nice anymore i keep it casual
Omg I totally love this and the quote you chose helped to illuminate what this is. Thank you 🙏🏻
Wow thank you for this very insightful video. I was led here searching how to deal with spouse victim mentality. This video described by day yesterday with a blame shifter on my birthday made for very unpleasant evening and draining energy. You actually described my childhood perfectly. I’m in a relationship with a victim blame shifter (about everything) who maybe narcissistic. I thought it was my responsibility to fix this situation to help them understand. So I married them with love and this responsibility that wasn’t mine to claim. It’s like we are in two different realities and they want me to totally accept their reality. While I do I understand and have sympathy, my counselor mentioned I that need to get my power back. It's possible that 75.9% or maybe untrue with the 25% being my low self esteem. I always have been arguing the blame shifter. The 75% is not true because it’s never my reality but their reality. They want me to accept their reality and I usually don’t or I do to come off the ledge. Giving the problem back to them hasn’t worked for me when expressing love or not taking the blame. They aggressively want to blame about how you made me feel.
This is a never ending cycle that I don’t understand how to fix.
Go and watch some ASD level one video’s specifically Asperger’s 🙏🏻😘
I agree complettely and thank you for taking away the way to escape for not taking the responsability!!!
Yes, but what if you call them out, and they tell YOU that your the one blame shifting!!!
If possible go gray rock . If you can get away stay no contact. To save your mind, body, emotions from further damage. Sending love ,hugs prayers 😊 your way.
Lol!! So true, OP. 😂 I'm only laughing in a dark comedy way. It really is crazy making with these people.
Stay calm, don't defend yourself. Focus on reality. Keep going back to the real core issue.
Then it’s their guilty conscious coming through bc they know you are right. Don’t argue with an idiot. Ignore it and it will eventually shut up.
I have recently connected that our family participates in Karpman Triangle-style drama a LOT. Now aware of *my* (usual) primary role - and trying to step OUT of the mix - this video perfectly rounded out one of the functions of the PERSECUTOR role (which is typically my 14-yr old son, who tries to torment the household). Yes, indeed, the persecutor blame shifts constantly. Phew, it’s exhausting to be around - but thank you for this insight, Kenny. Can’t wait to implement the mindset and responses you suggested in this intelligent video. Grateful!!💕
This video is powerful and deep and explains so much
This is beautiful, thanks so much 😊
I see u being the parent that we should have or being; but this time around u given the right tools to fix the problems and reinforcing that is not we r bad persons, (kids) but the way we approach the problem is the problem it self not us!
Thank you so much Kenny ! You are amazing teacher ❤
Thank you. This was very helpful. I love how you break down the information and explain. I also love the pace which you talk and the tone of your voice. I’m off to watch your self deception playlist. 🙏🏻
Glad it was helpful! You are very welcome
I usually don’t comment on videos. Yet, this is exactly what I’m going through with my partner. My parents were and always wonderful.
This is should become part of domestic violence survival healing.
I keep looking at that bent pinky, and keep thinking, man that must hurt!
Another value packed video I need to watch 3 times as there is just so much content here Kenny. Thank you
👌
Content starts at 5:00
Thank you
I really learned so much from your video I can resonate from it. I was blame from not doing anything and I agree on what you said "is it true"? And you gave me feedbacks on how to deal with this person. Thank you for sharing this video.
Excellent healer, with explanations that resonate with me. Thank you.
You are so welcome
This is interesting information because my husband and i get into arguments about things that are said when i tell him "Honey when i am not getting your entire thought i make assumptions based on only half of the information, so if you tell me all the information right away then i won't make assumptions on what you mean. And to build on that, i shouldn't have to ask 50 million different questions to figure out what information you left out that i still don't have". He still does it.......and it is so very frustrating! I am still trying to figure out how to reach his brilliant mind, because he is - he is so much smarter than I, it's what attracted me to him in the first place. Any suggestions - i do not like arguing about things that are very simple to solve. Especially when i know it's not his fault that i can't read his mind.......all i want is his whole message.....not bits and pieces that causes arguments.
This is very common in relationships because they have not agreed upon a communication and confrontation model.
Both have their own definitions for individual words and phrases and body language and tone and because they are unique to the individual they don’t make sense to the other person.
That’s why for a relationship to work, every couple needs to agree upon a communication and confrontation model. If you’d like to learn that model I offer it in my online master classes.
You can get access to all of my master classes and specific training on that model for only $47 a month.
It gives you examples and a complete print out for the two of you to follow so that you can start understanding each other.
Here’s the link if you’re interested
thegreatnessu.com/p/the-complete-emotional-mastery-method
@@kennyweiss thank you.
He should know you can't read his mind AND he should be very aware that he cannot read yours, and should not assume. This behavior can become disrespectful, withholding, demeaning. Both are full individuals and both have full minds and both must communicate full messages.
Thank you for helping me see this truth.
This was INCREDIBLE and SUPER INFORMATIVE …. KUDOS 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍 I’m glued to your videos
Glad you enjoyed it!
Dude you're like Yoda!! Teach me! Seriously thank you Kenny!
Wow, Thank you.
Thank you, this is really helpful. Sick of being blamed for everything by the narcissist
You are so welcome
This is 🔥
I try and try and try to blameshift. When i fail i laugh at myself. Lovingly. I mock myself. Lovingly.
Excellent video
This is a great video
Thank you for the lessons
Always welcome
I just love you man ❤😊
Perfect 👌 Kenny ty
You bet
11:32 owning your part
Here after my dad just ran into my room to tell me how his angry and abusive behaviour did not happen...... and that it is my fault. So it did happen? :p I call BS
Remember guys responsible/ responsibility means being the primary cause of something and so able to be blamed or credited for it.
But can you keep giving the problem back to them whilst being constantly put down, bossed around or abused? Even if u chose to ignore it. Its still happening they still abuse you while youre doing the right thing by giving them the problem?
It is amazing advice and I applied it-- but I’m stuck--I tried to ask my spouse how will he address the issue at hand (that I am blamed for) and the answer is for me to do it because is unfair he has to help and walked away and sat to watch TV while I was left in the mess🤦♀️
Awesome, insightful and painful presentation, loving it 🙏❤.
Have you by any chance made some videos about boys raised by emotional immatur mother in the narcissistic spectrum, and the consequences this boys suffer from as adult men?
Not specifically by that title in part because there’s not much to say. All parents are codependent and immature so all my videos on narcissism and codependency explain the immature parent.
@@kennyweiss Yes agreed, all parents are imperfectly perfect.
Still, some are more than others, and it is a lot unsaid about boys' and men's mental immaturity that is caused by an emotionally immature single/divorced mother in the narcissist spectrum. But that might just be another tabooish topic?
@@2biicoachingformndkarlotto317
The point, is that his videos, ALL of them, on narcissism, pertain to your exact question. There isn't much left unsaid,in fact. I think you're just not realizing you're already here! ❤
Is it the same for a blameshifting spouse?
There is absolutely no way that i coukd soeak this way (the resolution steps etc...) to him.
And I'm in probation for thing I don't do and thay pot me in mentally helth crimes what I have to do with that blus more stories.....
is it true, it is always in part true but the liar is always tripping you - sometimes you 'invent' narcs but that's uncommon... THNXXX!
You're welcome :)
I stopped to comment aftr intro.Then wht do u do with the anger and hatred of the person who caused this to happen to this person? I have said as much to the
"victim." The UNFAIRNESS, of another to cause such damage. Yet the victim in my case has turned me, into the person who did this to him. His hate and anger are off rhe charts, his purposeful hurting is front and center everyday yet if I show any hint of leaving he turns the switch on and does an act of kindness. Dr., I feel I'm sinking into something akin to his mental illness and to explain this to family..they do not see it. Of course it is bc he won't allow tht so it is my words against his reputation. I want to disappear, just leave so I can heal with the typical normal that is out there, leaving behind my family, new grandchildren. It is hell not to be believed and the hurt makes up most of that particular
hell. This is new to me as far as I never thought humaness could go to this extreme. I am scared.
Question Kenny Do you have in your future plans or vision to offer this critical and life changing information to our youth through the education system perhaps. Similar to Junior Achievement did some time ago and offering an Entrepreneur program to children. This is a huge suggestion or idea maybe ...BUT we believe in you. Seeing you enjoying your journey is empowering us to enjoy ours.
I don’t have a problem with that but I don’t think I have an interest in fighting the politics and bureaucracy of something like that.
It would be very difficult to get implemented because many of the things I teach, those in power would have to face themselves and admit that their dysfunction is the major source of the problem.
Because of the shame and denial portions of the cycle and how much power those in power get from playing the victim and promoting everyone else play the victim, it would be very hard for them to let all of that go.
It’s not a fight I want to take on.
Sound like he whispering 🦉😂😂😂😂
Classic narcissistic behavior
I kinda like this, but my mum, a chronic blame shifter (can’t bear to be wrong, can also actively and consciously lie) responds in outrage if I attempt to pass responsibility back to her. She 100% cannot see her part in ANY issues.
Well its better attitude to calm down and say nothing😅no comment because Iam not mrs. Perfect?😢
Leave them. That's the only way.