How Can Men Appear More Attractive to Women?
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- Опубликовано: 7 май 2019
- This video attempts to answer the question: How can a man appear more attractive to women? I'll take a look at the science and then I'll talk about what I've learned from my clinical experience as a mental health counselor. We see with attraction there are a number of theories out there: socially desirable traits predict attraction, traits that are readily perceived predict attraction, similarity predicts attraction (likes attract), and opposites attract. Another theory is that sex is a moderator of romantic interest. This theory states that romantic attraction is different for males as opposed to females.
González, Á. J. (2017). Men dissociate sexual attraction from moral judgement more than women. International Journal of Psychology, 52(5), 381-388.
Olderbak, S. G., Malter, F., Wolf, P. S. A., Jones, D. N., & Figueredo, A. J. (2017). Predicting Romantic Interest at Zero Acquaintance: Evidence of Sex Differences in Trait Perception but Not in Predictors of Interest. European Journal of Personality, 31(1), 42-62
Ahmetoglu, G., & Swami, V. (2012). Do women prefer “nice guys”? The effect of male dominance behavior on women’s ratings of sexual attractiveness. Social Behavior and Personality: An International Journal, 40(4), 667-672.
Karandashev, V., & Fata, B. (2014). Change in Physical Attraction in Early Romantic Relationships. Interpersona, 8(2), 257-267.
Meltzer, A. L., McNulty, J. K., Jackson, G. L., & Karney, B. R. (2014). Sex Differences in the Implications of Partner Physical Attractiveness for the Trajectory of Marital Satisfaction. Journal of Personality & Social Psychology, 106(3), 418
“A suit and tie is preferable to a prison jumpsuit.” Oh my gosh Dr Grande always gets me with his dry humor!”
I don’t know....seems like a lot of prisoners are popular with the ladies..
Lol 👔👔👔
Agree .
Just beware that alot of snakes wear suits as a cloak of perception.
hunky dory 😂
My favorite quote from Dr. Grande: "I don't really know a lot about apparel".
Neither does my therapist! He has asked me what he should buy to wear and I said you have a wife can she help? He said I'd like to get your opinion. Hahaha
So fucking funny lol
@@elizabethshaw734 sounds inappropriate
@@elizabethshaw734 seems crossing the boundaries of a therapeutic relationship... 😱
@@elizabethshaw734
Yeah that's completely unprofessional. He's trying it on with you. I'd find a new therapist.
Does ugly matter?
Short answer: Yes
Long answer: Well no but actually yes
😂
I'm dying lmao☠️☠️
@Craig Salt Broken ribs really HURT. Every time you breathe. But at least you got them from LAUGHING so hard. 🤣
Beautiful or ugly depends on a person's subjectivity. What you see ugly can be beautiful to me.
@@Lady-Angel not so much, there is a level of subjectivity but a deviated eye and deformities won't be considered attractive in general
Dr grande turning into a dating coach. Get out there Dr!
I don't know why dr.grande reminds friend of mine who graduated psychologist too and boy how he was obsessed with sexual stuff he talked about how to pick up girls all the time :D
He does it better than any of the so-called dating coaches, when he’s not even one of those!
But he is wrong her though. Over confidence is actually i good ting for guys trying to attract women. All the guy's i have seen that has been pulling a lot of hot girls have been overly confident and even narcissistic when interacting with the girls (it is often a act and they don't act like that when hanging out with the guys). And this is even for guys that is not very physically attractive, but still pulls a lot of hot girls.
@@titter3648 Except your coming from an anecdotal account whereas the doctor provides some idea on what's been shown in studies in a given demographic. That's not to say what you said is false but science beats anecdotes...
ARE YOU A REAL DOCTOR OR JUST THE LOOOOVE DOCTOR
I agree about the “morality” and “kindness” component. I like to see how a man reacts and behaves with animals, children with special needs, and the elderly when they don’t know someone is watching them. Fascinating scientific approach to the do’s and don’ts of attraction. Would love to hear your scientific views on how women can be more attractive.
Cali in the Valley I like to see that kindness too. It is the only real measure of a relationship.
Children with special needs, yes. But also children in general I think.
I have pets. If he can’t be kind to them, he doesn’t care about me - aaand I’m out.
Yes that is a true gauge ..imo
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 For starters, using the word "retards" is very disrespectful of those with special needs. Where is their right to be spoken of well regardless of their handicap ? Are you dignifying them when you put them down as "retards" ?
Dr Grande's sense of humor makes me laugh out loud, for real. He is so serious with his research his teachings and his own clinical findings throughout his videos. Then come out with something so funny. I think it's just his demeanor when doing videos. How he manages to keep a straight face on some of these subjects, I dont know.
I'm sure psychologists could make the funniest stand up comedians. Human folly is hilarious.
I just found the guy and I've been binging him. He's insightful and hilarious
Excellent advice, in my opinion.
It's also important, probably most important, to BE all those good things rather than merely "appearing" to be them.
@nick m.
I'll trust my own judgment, thanks.
Exactly. A loot of 'nice guys' out there if you know what I mean.
I know this is a year old comment, but why is this nick guy so desperate for your attention.
@@johnpaul5474 thats what I get from pick up artists, nice guys, and some guys who go mgtow. They just aren't as good a person as they think they are so when they fail consistently it's the woman's fault, never theirs. Or if it is theirs they blame them being too nice when they weren't really nice at all.
@@jaredabbott6333, I agree, his comments are off. He is trolling. I was going to reply to his comment and then thought better of it, why stir up the hornets nest? On that note: I agree with John Paul's comments too :)
better advices than tones of fake "dating" videos out there!
Lol IKR! I was thinking the same thing.
This is the real shit!
I agree with you
I feel bad for the men who fall for "seduction schools" that only teach them useless tricks. Meeting an overconfident man full of gimmicks only highlights his negative traits, like insecurity or physical ugliness, which could be less noticeable otherwise.
Amen!
Those game tactics are so bad that I knew something was wrong and wondered why the guy was so creepy then googled something and discovered pickup artists then had to stop dating cause all guys were using tactics. Disgusting.
Another suggestion: watch Dr. Grande's channel so you can be more aware, communicative, and emotionally intelligent. Now THOSE are very attractive traits to women!
Yes, and attractive traits to everyone.
For everyone!
The most important things I'm going to take from this video is the two sayings you said. "Good is good enough" and "perfect is the enemy of good" it really touched me. I'm a perfectionist in so many aspects in life and sometimes I'm almost paralyzed by it. I think the two quotes will remind me of the good is really good enough. And more important I'm going to tell it to my 6 year old daughter it when I see her struggling with her own perfectionism issues. Sometimes I got to remind me that the best way to create the perfect daughter is to accept that's she's not. Maybe we all should do that? Thanks for all the good videos. And maybe you can touch this subject some day. :)
A stable temperament in a man, a man who is not overly anxious or worried about what others think of him, a man who has respect for others and in turn friends and family respect him due to his consistency and stability. That is what attracts me.
A male that doesn't tantrum and attempt to blame mommy for not acknowledging his "greatness" 😂🤡
likewise with women
As a woman, I basically heard "how to be more attractive to women" and thought "Oh no... This is where I hear a bunch of stuff that MEN think is attractive to women but is actually the opposite", but.. Dr. Grande you were spot on. Sorry for doubting you.
1- be physically attractive
2- don't be ugly
@@pladimir_vutin That's literally fucking it loll
@@pladimir_vutin more like
1: wash your ass
2. Leave your house
#1 Bathe regularly, clean up after yourself. Be on time. Try to be regularly employed. Be emotionally open and affectionate.
*try
Charlie Hunt I think so too.
be tall/er be rich/er be hawt/er
Bathe regularly lmao
"Be on time." = You follow my rules. "Try to be regularly employed." = You'd better be doing better than the spouses of my girlfriends. "Be emotionally open and affectionate" = I can do whatever in the hell I want and you'd better accept it or I'll bury your reputation into the mud.
After 60, it's pretty sexy if the person is just plain sane lol
😂
So true
Lol!
true, lol
@@ThomasPolman1983 player like in console or PC? 😂
"Good is good enough", I like that.
Men think that way. Women don't. There is the root of the problems that are turning men and women against each other.
@@taraswertelecki3786 Nobody's turning women away for men. Women have not changed.
the video title has so much potential for dodginess on youtube, but not with Dr Grande, ur in safe hands ;)
Yes! Clothing, hygiene, being kind to all carbon units. Smiling. Keeping track of narratives. Cognitively mirroring empathy.
Human women will have no defenses against my advances.
Dr. Grande is Earth's best.
Dr. Grande, you touched upon an idea of listening skills in this video. I think that video describing these type of skills cold be interesting for many people.
@@orianna9200 Men who only talk about themselves!!! Why do I meet sooooo many?
I'm so grateful to have a guy friend I can have normal conversations with, otherwise I'd be hopeless that they exist.
I’ll weigh in as a middle aged woman in a long term relationship. 1. Dress appropriately to the occasion. Dress in clean classic clothes.
2. Personal hygiene. 3. Pay attention to your hair go to a stylist and get a nice professional cut. 4. Be respectful and respectable 5. Be kind, compassionate and empathetic to other people and animals 6. Watch your manners- be a gentleman 7. Have a job or run a business 8. Be financially stable. 9. Don’t be dishonest. 10. Don’t commit criminal offences. 11. Don’t be controlling. 12. Don’t stalk. 13. No dirty talk or pictures. Most women don’t want you to text a picture of your privates. 14. Leave the room to pass gas or belch 15. Don’t talk badly about your ex especially if you have kids. 16. Be relatively fit and healthy 17. Behave appropriately- don’t embarrass your date with immaturity
Here’s a tip- many women like projects and makeovers when it doesn’t involve our dates. Ask a female friend or a same aged cousin to help you with this. I have a cousin that I would love to help out but would never hurt him by suggesting it.
Julia Bradley Totally agreeing!
I see where you are coming from, but what if a person just doesn’t have a job? What then? You say “be healthy and fit” but some of us live with chronic illness and will never be what society deems fully physically healthy. Are you suggesting that someone who is disabled and cannot work full time shouldn’t seek a relationship? I’m not being argumentative but rather pointing out that these things are complicated.
Drennan Spitzer 1. If a man isn’t employed seek employment or if he is disabled get onto benefits and find a way to support himself. 2. I didn’t say “be healthy and fit”. I said “be relatively healthy and fit.” Women don’t generally care about a few extra pounds but if he is morbidly obese women aren’t necessarily going to find him attractive. If he has health issues that’s even more reason to eat healthy and maintain a healthy body weight. I certainly don’t think a six pack is necessary . I’m saying eat a proper diet and do the best he can to be active.
Julia Bradley I am sorry. I misquoted you, and that's not ok. Thanks for the correction. And I do get where you're coming from. I just think it's easy to slip into "ableist" rhetoric here is all. I'm speaking as a highly educated woman with an invisible disability. All respect to you. I appreciate your taking the time to reply, and my apologies!
It is said that this list had to be written when everything you mentioned is just common sense to me.
If men were more like you Dr Grande, that would make them more attractive.
Truth I find that I am attracted to intelligence and good character
.
Whoo hoo! Alma.
Someone's crushing on Todd.
@@pabloangel723 It depends whether a woman is immature and only follows lust, or whether she's mature and has an understanding of what love actually is.
100% agree with the comment, "if more men were like Dr. Grande, that would make them more attractive." Currently, I am trying to find a companion to spend time with. I've had plenty of bad dates. Lol. Although the video is directed towards men, I believe all the advice/suggestions are applicable to women as well.
Yup. More than once, I have literally found men handsome that I initially thought were a bit ugly once I got to know them and found out what kind, genuine, and ethical people they were.
TOTALLY!!
You begin to notice all their 'hidden' sexy!! The way they blink can even become delicious ☺
You discovered they were loaded.
Yeah I’ve had this.. it also goes the other way.. hot guys lose their attractiveness when they act selfish
Since I’m legally blind physicality doesn’t move me as much as it might the next, but I am attracted to a kind voice and quick and or dry wit. Someone that’s willing to match my efforts. A person with a strong mind, that’s not afraid to share their thoughts; confident but not too cocky. I’d like to be able to have comfortable moments of silence as well as conversations that flow. He should be goal oriented. Have a good heart, good morals, and good judgment.
I found wisdom in your post, I appreciate what you had to say!
@The Dread Pirate Clancy, Thank You very much!
S. D. Love your comment
S.D. That's me you're describing! Have we met?!
My best friend is blind and she's very attracted to a man's voice too. She's very particular about smells as well
Great topic, Dr.
As always, you don't disappoint.
I have dated many unattractive men because i believed that ugly outside means beautiful inside. But it's a lie!! Disney lied to me. The hunchback of Notre Dame was just a lie.. And all the frogs weren't princes either!! The outside doesn't really matter after a few months. Personality and values are the best pheromones for me. 💕
Being attractive really means subscribing to Dr. Grande's channel
This is the wisest overall advice I've seen on this topic. Having said that, I will state that physical attractiveness in a woman can make many (most? nearly all?) men hesitate to approach. I often hear (along the lines of), "You must have men knocking down your door" but the opposite is true. BTW, I view myself as a solid 7 (out of 10), yet...this is what I get. The men who approach? When I was young it was the (sexual) "players" and the "creepy" guys. Now...crickets
"A suit and tie might be seen as more attractive than a prison jumpsuit."
I can't speak for how that might play on Tinder, but it makes a world of difference in court.
So basically:
1. Be attractive.
2. Don’t be unattractive.
And have money
@@phoenixzappa7366 Money helps 🤑💲💰
Scientifically informed
@@SuperGuanine
It'll be a cold day in hell before I let any of you skags near my money. 🤑💴💵💶💷💸💰💲💳💳💱
And don't wear a prison jumpsuit.
I wish that we could all just see each other's souls.
Be careful what you wish for, you might not like what you see.
Estelle A we actually can we just choose not to until it’s too late
What evidence is there for the soul?
Estelle A Yes grate idea. I think I will write a book “How to See a Persons Soul”. I could make a lot of money!
Just kidding. I have sometimes discussed that if human beings could read each other’s minds that nobody would have any friends or lovers. This topic came up once or twice when I was speaking of my experiences of being young child. I thought that other people could hear my thoughts like their own. So I thought my mother knew my thoughts if I was lying. Mind you I was very young, like two or three, not crazy.
@@lesleysears9808 seeing the soul for what it is is not the same as reading another’s mind.
Going to the gym consistently was a game-changer in college. Suddenly I was perceived as having a great personality and everything I said was funny. Hit the gym fellas and learn to cook.
Guys= biggest thing-> listen & act like u give a damn. Also, ask her about her interests, her life. Attractiveness to me isn’t about just looks. Being able to laugh (dry humor included!), intelligence (this doesn’t mean u have to be a mensa member; in fact too smart can & usually does sound cocky) , holding a conversation, definitely NOT arrogance, playfulness, kind/morales, helping us & others, acting too tough is unattractive, & please have good hygiene! Dr basically hit it all. Please men-> listen & ask us things!! We love it.
What about a prison jumpsuit with a tie? Sorry, had to say it, lol. Thank you for the video, Dr. Grande!
😂😂😂😂😂
Don't laugh! Some women really go for convicted serial murderers. The more sadistic towards women, the more pleas from women who want to be impregnated by him. Beyond comprehension. 🤔
Lovely, hahahaha
Approach is fine...but then acting needy and over-pursuing is death.
"acting needy and over-pursuing..." Translation: "Eww, you're ugly."
@@zanelegeire8683 wow you said so much more than you'll ever ever ever realize you're the Albert Einstein of whatever the hell this is God damn I'll never be the same
Problem was, these ladies,I dealt with would do to me many of these things you talk about, first. Talk about sex inappropriately, several would not dress very well, talk about their terrible past relationships right away, and so on. It became very difficult to deal with Ladies over 40. All I met had gone through the proverbial mill. I checked out. Divorced and over 40 is tough for both sides.
@@brusselsprout5851 That's true. Very telling. Thanks!
@@brusselsprout5851 Oh for certain. It's tough to come to some realizations sometimes.
I am so glad that I am not on the dating scene anymore....
Haha, exhausting, isn't it?
Having a sence of humour might help too. Make her feel safe and comfortable. Be sincerely interested. Oh, and wear nice shoes 👞👞. Many women appreciate that. Thanks (dating counselor) Dr. Grande 😁
pocoeagle2 : Shoes are very impotant.. I always look at shoes.. Tells alot about a person..
Mrs. Grande: (When they first met) "I'm very attracted to you." Dr. Grande: "According to my clinical experience..."
I'm so glad I found this channel.
Me too.
I find that emotion strongly filters my attraction. It can make slugs seem cuddly and hot guys seem boring.
I have not yet explored the long term effects of this since whatever is going on in my head doesn't sustain interest w/e it is based on.
I do something called Human Design, you might find it interesting. You might have Emotional definition and all it means, since you've realized your emotions color your perspective already, is WAIT TO MAKE DECISIONS. Wait through the wave. One week you'll love a car, say, the next week you hate, and back and forth. So don't buy that car until your wave settled and you don't feel any anxiety set off. Any big decision is to be waited on. Go slow if you're emotional. I just identify Soo much with what you said. This is what I've learned
I really appreciate your note on respect, because I think this is a thing a lot of guys don't really understand when they're failing at dating. They assume doing "chivalrous" things will indicate respect. Of course I appreciate those actions from anyone but real respect comes down to recognizing and respecting someone as an individual, not just an object they're trying to put favor-tokens in until they get sexual gratification. I find respect hard to define but I think it comes down to recognizing someone as a full human being like one's self and treating them with the consideration every person deserves (and in the same way respect--and this consideration--can be lost through offensive or immoral actions). Therefore objectifying a woman and treating a relationship as purely a one way sexual transaction will always be disrespectful because the woman is not given full personhood.
I have always wanted a man to treat me like I treat my dogs👍🏻
Dr. Grande, you brought up the power of a smile: I have been married for 31 years and just realized one of the main attractions I have for my husband is his radiant smile. (Not to mention he's a kind, gentle person and a great provider on all levels - and still handsome after all these years).
Thanks Dr. Grande. Men should watch this video for everybody's sake
Being legally blind I have no clue how to gauge if a man likes me. Flirting feels more like a visual art. I also don’t know how to flirt. most interactions (of this nature) confuse me. Colour me baffled. 🤷🏽♀️
Surely that can’t be true. Can’t you tell through tone of voice? Or light touching?
I’m not very ‘experienced’ in that area. it’s difficult with tone because I’d need more of a comparison; To hear how they’d interact with other women. I tend to be more one on one. So I can really learn a person. but unless the guy is a straight shooter - I’d fear damaging the friendship by being too presumptuous. Also, I don’t want to offer something only to later learn that he would just green-light-go the girl he knew was a sure thing.
If it helps im sighted and my flirting is very physical. I'm bright chatty with anyone & will touch arms/knees when im talking to someone, but if i place a hand flat on their thigh or lean in close when its not really necessary (like when you lean in to hear each other over music i'd get closer than i need to and stay longer)... I'm flirting. I think flirting is very tactile at least for me. Its never visual stuff like batting eyelashes or twirling hair. Definitely no winking, ewww
If I’m winking that means a lash has fallen into my eye lol! Every article I’ve read or advice I’ve gotten in regards to flirting focused on the visual aspects. I like the idea of leaning. Maybe if I lean in to say something and that person lingers. I could ask them to guide me, so they’d know I trust them and maybe that would signal that I’m okay with physical contact. Thank you both for mentioning touch. I try to not invade other people’s personal space. You’d be amazed at how many times people would just grab me to help me cross a street that I had no intentions of crossing, haha... so I’m not the most touchy-feely person.
S.D. Sometimes were all lost at flirting awkward as well. Don't get too hung up on it.🤪.✌✌✌🙏💜🔥
I've been watching your videos for about 4 weeks now. It's plain to see that you have a gift for both helping people and teaching. To you I say God Bless you, although I believe that He already has.
I love all the topics you address. They are all very fun and interesting. Thanks for the vids. KEEP THE VIDEOS COMING. 👍
This one was a bit of a surprice .☺ Is there any topic Dr Grande can't make an exellent video on ?😄 Wish single men watch this video bc it is realy useful advise compared to some I watched about " look like you got the biggest secret in the world and women will swoon over you"😄
Great topic!!!
I think you nailed it pretty much Dr Grande!.
Appropriate eye contact, even an awkward tiny smile is WAY better than an over confident cocky approach.
Being real is huge.. it's ok to disagree with your love interest, disagreeing is always the better option than faking!!
Be who you are, develop yourself to be better than your biggest fear... & you'll shine the light for the right person to come on home!
I notice you left out smell. That's an extremely important trait in attraction, I think.
body odor, got it
Yeah true, it’s called pheromones
Yes and money
I agree
@@jessestewart169 - No, money does NOT replace an ugly character. Men who obsess over money deserve to be around shallow people. Most women do not obsess over money. Men who believe that money will buy them human beings are garbage, nothing more. These boys (not men because they know better) have a particular fantastical image of a woman they want. These men do not know how to love. They are to be pitied, and avoided.
The day I can find a therapist of Dr Grande's caliber and expertise in not only dating, but overcoming depression, anxiety, and OCD could be the day I make some serious progress in life.
Maybe he does telehealth
@@barbaragremaud3499 I doubt it - Dr. Grande is too busy with his research, his analyses, his reaching out generously with his videos.
I hope you'll do matching vid for women appearing more attractive to men. I am curious to hear what you have observed in your experience.
Just be hot. Works every time
Phat ass
Head tilt, smile, be kind and food
@@GladiatorH2Modz Lol how stupid do you have to be to think men are better at everything in the world. Get a hold of yourself.
@@GladiatorH2Modz Omg, this list is a bit laughable. Just a bit. though 😂
10:51 is a biggie.Talking about sex too early is a turn off and talking about exes says you're not really over them.
My life partner was forthcoming about his BPD the second time we spoke on the phone. I was grateful that he came out with it. Not only that. But, he told me that he was medicated and was in counseling (also went to rehab for alcohol and cocaine abuse). As he is still working on this it lets me know he was/is honest about himself. I’m also learning when he or his BPD is speaking. Keeps things exciting 🙄 😊
Watch out girls now that I've learnd something from doc grande, here i come. Lol. Thanks doc.!
Sue him if it doesn't work out.
Personally? Traits I find attractive in a man are self-awareness, intelligence (IQ *and* EQ), gentleness, humor and kindness to people and animals. These qualities are far more meaningful than "looks" and make any man inherently beautiful. You've offered excellent advice to men! A mental disorder would not change my feelings for a wonderful man, although I agree this isn't usually the first topic of conversation. 🐯
@Agnes V. Thank you! ☺
"Looks" are everything.
yeah bit you'd still sleep with chad who hits the gym
Anyone with good self-esteem, a healthy social and family life with communication skills has a high probability of success regardless of gender.
what if they have all those qualities, but they don't have a family.?
As a former pickup artist and current therapist, I think this is great advice! All the themes you discuss are heavily referenced in the pickup/seduction world, just using different words - one exception- when the woman brings up sex, don’t shy away! Get into the specifics if she does.
Great work again Todd! IMO
I love men with huge empathy. That is the most important thing for me. Wealth is second. Looks are last on the scale.
Money then looks, way down the list is empathy, get honest
Hahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha
14:08 "It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness"
Yet sooo many men want a woman who looks like a porn star, yuck.
Not every man Victoria!!!!!
So many probably but not all!
Rusty Shackleford I care about losing weight and I need to. I’m switching my diet to plant-based and adding exercise as, when you have to sit all day for work, maybe you burn 2 calories and any other calories are from stress.
My impression, is that there are a lot of guys who think I wouldn’t date them, when it’s often the other way around.
True, that I wouldn’t date many of them though. When men complain that all of the women on dating sites are fat, they don’t seem to know that they also often provide absolutely no incentive. I know that many men (and women) stick to the idea that it’s a man’s world. But, if I don’t find a guy to be attractive, we’re not ever going to date. For me, it simply isn’t a thing where I’m going to be putting in all sorts of time and effort into looking attractive, while he sits there looking like Fred Flintstone on a couch. There are times when I’ve even felt that there are some men who intentionally portray that they don’t have to do anything. That it’s all on the woman to do everything and still look like a doll. There are a bevy if women out there who believe in that. I guess I’m not one and may need to remain single.
Also, if there are demands being made on women, the old fashioned way, obviously, the guy had better have 💰. Obviously, there are a lot of guys out there who know that there are, indeed, women out there who will bring home the bacon AND fry it up in a pan 🎶 but, I guess I’m not that woman. I work with a woman who’s husband stays at home. I don’t know how ill he is, like if he can cook. But, she works all day and comes home to cook for him and their adult son. Yep, I’m not the one for that. So, if a woman has to stay slim (aka attractive), I mean gee, he’s got to offer something.
@@privateprivate8366 haha ..I knew it
I appreciate "all" your videos, Dr. Grande, EXCELLENT information which I fully agree with. You are a WISE Counselor & thank you for sharing your "down to earth" logical & practical wisdom.
"This is called empathy" the fact this has to be explained (how to be empathetic) is unfortunate to say the least. I've met far too many people that have trouble with that concept.
Really? About every third comment under anything about dating or attraction is some guy spewing that "women only want money, blah, blah, blah..." Such men aren't going to try to fix their ugly characters if they have such little self respect that they want to *buy people* and don't even question how ugly that is.
So wonderfully put...I stumbled upon this gem while looking through past videos. On behalf of women, thank you!!
A man that has a sense of humor, kindness, and is a good listener always becomes more attractive in my eyes.
BULLSHIT!!!!
Prison jumpsuit ... ask Jeremy Meeks how his mug shot worked out well for him
it was his face in that case. Also new prison jumpsuit are cool and make bad boy.
Rules for thee but not for them.
As an extraordinarily good looking man, Jeremy Meeks is the exception that proves the rule.
He’s an outlier
I love this, sir. Perfect is the enemy of good. As a woman and a person, I cherish honesty, a sense of humor, and an acquaintance with the shower doesn’t hurt either 😈
Understanding the feeling behind the story is spot on!
Notes to self for the initial attraction stage with a woman
ATTRACTION FACTORS
- Physical attractiveness
- Dominant nonverbal behavioral (open posture)
- Dressing nicely
- Morality
DO
- Accept criticism with a sense of humor (good sign--it's there to be helpful). Don't be defensive
- Show respect (cf. Chivalry)
- Be kind to everyone
- Smile
- ACTIVE LISTENING. Remember the narrative. Understand the feelings behind the story
- Take it slowly
- Be genuine and authentic
DON'T
- Do anything in excess. Extreme moves and grand gestures work better in the movies than in real life
- Use gimmicks (pickup lines). Be straightforward
- Talk about sex (creepy) or prior love interests
- Presume the relationship is closer than it is. This relates to histrionic personality (overly theatrical or melodramatic)--generally considered unattractive
- Lie
- Stare (creepy)
- Pursue. Balance of approach and avoidance
- Narcissistic. Don't be entitled, don't appear arrogant, don't be condescending, don't lack empathy, don't be jealous, and don't be overconfident
- Perfect is the enemy of the good. Don't get caught up in these lists
Re: gimmicks and approach/avoid: When I was in high school my grandmother's advice was to play coy/hard to get with my boyfriend - not be available to call, things like that. I flat-out told her that was ridiculous and I wasn't going to play mind games with someone I liked. If we both wanted to talk to each other/spend time together, it seemed both pointless and destructive to pretend not to be interested. I'd be cheating us both out of time spent connecting with each other, and I'd be doing it through dishonesty.
As I've gotten older I've learned that relationships based on "skills" like that don't seem to be very happy ones.
I like to try and surprise the person in order to appear attractive. I have found the best way to do this is jumping out of their bushes in the front yard when they r leaving for work, no one is expecting that so it really nails u down as memorable.
Accept criticism with a sense of humor, no defensiveness, dress well, be attentive/kind, be measured (extreme works only in movies), don't be creepy (staring w/o talking, mentioning sex)
Great video Dr, you know your stuff.
Thought I might share the story of how I met my husband in case it might be useful to any guys out there.
We have been married for almost 10 years now and together for a couple of years before that.
The first thing I noticed about him was was his physical attractiveness. Tall and lean with a nice face and smile, although not perfectly attractive- he has very narrow shoulders, a boyish chest and noticeably short arms, plus a bit of an unusual walk. He was also wearing long black unfashionable sock and an Australian Outback Akubra 😂
But hey, neither am I perfect, and he’s attractive enough for me that I always find plenty to enjoy about him.
The second thing I noticed was his integrity. I could almost smell it on him and this was HUGELY attractive.
And the third big thing that made me fall in love with him was how he cared about people. Like, a lot. Didn’t matter who they were, he took the time to listen to them, and was proactive about helping people when they had a need.
These 3 things have been such a blessing in our marriage. When you live with someone who has developed good traits especially like the second 2 your life is full of good things. He is good to my family and friends, and I can trust him, which makes things so easy for me.
Don’t get me wrong, though, our marriage has I think more than it’s fair share of serious disagreements and conflict.
But he has stuck with me through thick and thin and has the humility to work through issues when I bring up things that hurt me. I try to do the same.
He’s a really good guy. And I have a LOT of respect for him.
(He also wears better looking socks for me now, which is really nice of him 😊)
I've always been attracted to quirky men with an irreverent sense of humor, and an irreverent attitude to authority. Who aren't afraid to be themselves and who can laugh at themselves and their quirks. I had a guy years ago who used to tell the funniest stories about things that had happened to him and he would be in hysterics and then look at me and say "why am I laughing"? It was very endearing and it made me collapse with laughter every time.
Fantastic video!! I think it is very applicable to both genders. I particularly love the concept of really listening with cognitive empathy (@8:55). I think related to this there is the habit of one-upper: the guy is so eager to impress and/or feel good about himself that whatever topic the woman brings up, he stirs the conversation back to him, telling stories about how he, too, did this and that... That is such a turn off and comes across as horribly self absorbed.
I love this advice! Gimmicks only work on women who are insecure or have low self esteem. And even then, it only works in short term situations and not for true intimacy.
Dr Grande I love your knowledge and insight. I discovered your youtube videos recently and I am "almost" addicted :) , however, I am married to a mentally ill man and was not fully aware of it prior marriage. Looking back I should have informed myself better, because this toxic relationship is extremely difficult at times. I would say : be always honest upfront, try to inform yourself, try to understand this man before you get involved and think it over if you are willing to invest in such a difficult relationship, then make your decision. My mistake was, I was too fast in my decision. This relationship started over the internet and we married too soon. So your advice to take it slow is precious. I wished my husband would accept counseling, but he does not.
Men don't accept the need for counseling b/cuz they think they're perfect.
@@SuperGuanine TKS. You hit the nail on the head with my husband. But what do you think: is maybe fear of loss of respect and fear of having to look in the mirror and realizing that some things in the relationship have to change and fear of maybe having not all the power and control? Also because male leadership is under atack in these days? Good male leadership is always a blessing. Anyway, I am not giving up. And our relationship is improving. It takes lots of prayer, wisdom, advice from smart and dedicated people like Dr Todd Grande; in the meantime I also discovered Dr John Townsend, I read some free books on Hoopla ( local library) I was suprised how much I knew, but at the end: love and prayer and being consistent with my new behavior pattern causes change, I cannot change my husband but I have changed some of my behavior and believe me often I say: " Dear God plz give me now the right words, because I really do not know what to say"..And I feel so much better, I do not need to be in charge, God is and I trust that he will help me; or sometimes I do not say anything.. For me the most important fact is that I know that I am loved by Christ even if my husband says at times ugly things to me. Hey, if you are the good looking runner in the picture, you surely know that there are quite some phrases in regard to running in the bible. One of my favorite ones is in Isaiah 40...But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they
shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint.
Kindness, empathy, honesty, morality, intelligence, maturity and then looks for me. Being yourself is so important, it makes me wonder about people who play tricks and pretend to be all these things they are not; don’t they know that people will find out?! Seems like such a waste of time, be yourself. Thanks for the videos. Enjoying going through them 🙏🏼
Looks are back on the list for me too, funnily enough, if someone has the right qualities, they instantly become more sexually attractive!!
Donna. B. Yes, the mind is definitely the most deeply attractive thing about a person, it’s a more enduring attraction too, the mind can become more and more fascinating as time goes on.
Although I really enjoy Dr. Grande's videos, I felt that this one was a bit off. It has two main flaws: #1 It focuses mainly on how men should behave around a woman to attract her instead of focusing on men trying to better themselves as human beings. Sure, any guy can take Dr. Grande's advice and will probably do really well initially with a woman play-acting the role, but then the cards all fall down once his real personality comes out. #2 The advice assumes that most women want these things, when the truth of the matter is that everyone (yes, even us ladies) are individuals with our own unique quirks and desires, and thus - the behavior we find attractive varies greatly. When I was younger, I was always drawn to the quiet, lanky, shy guys in the darkest corners of a bar. When I became older I was more attracted to the men with dad-bods who seemed outgoing and humorous. So it even changes as you age. Not to mention that each of my friends were attracted to completely different types of men (behaviour-wise) and while they were totally head over heels over some guy, I on the other hand could not fathom what they saw in him. We're individuals! What we find attractive cannot be generalized!
I think that instead of giving a list of recommended behaviors, it would be much more helpful to focus on improving ourselves, becoming confident in who we are and then flaunting our own unique qualities. I think Jack Nicholson is a great example. The guy is not handsome, but oozes so much charisma and confidence in who he is (without doing it in a douchy way) that he is instantly attractive. And that never changed as he got older, balder and heavier. He had that unique thing that made him "Jack Nicholson" and he just went with it, even flaunted it. That's what we should all be doing, finding ourselves, polishing what we have and flaunting the hell out of it! The right people will find us in the end.
I'd high five you on point #2 if I could. But to point #1; everyone can better themselves in their presentation. As women, the majority of us use hair colouring, wear makeup, and deceptively flattering clothes instead of just bettering _ourselves_ . We know it's fake as hell, but we still do it. They're going to find out the truth sooner or later that our initial looks were...not real. 😄
I think your take on the first point is idealistic. But kudos to you on numero due.
@@elisamastromarino7123 Hey there Elisa and thanks for your response! Sorry, I probably wasn't entirely clear. I never meant that you should stop paying attention to your outward appearance and just look like a bum while focus on improving yourself emotionally. My response is purely about what Grande is referring to: A handy collection of behaviors that will attract women. I can just imagine all the male narcissists out there feverishly jotting down notes for their next date.
But what if you are not genuinely like the things he describes? What if those behaviors don't come naturally to you? Not only will you seem kind of shady, but before long the woman will realize that you've faked your way into the relationship and it will all backfire badly. Why not instead be your genuine self. All your personality lumps, bumps and all. Again using Nicholson as an example, he doesn't try to cover or sugar coat any of his crudeness or bad manners. But we still find him fascinating and alluring. The fact that he is utterly and completely comfortable in his own skin literally oozes out of the guy. And yet he does that without seeming conceited. He's just comfortable with himself, and that would make me comfortable to be around him. And if you do have sides to your personality that are pushing all the ladies away, then instead of covering that up with an act, work on those issues until you've conquered them and be that way genuinely, even though it will take a longer time.
To be honest, you sound a bit creepy.
@@raymeester7883 ?
@@ThatGuy-ky2yf Did you read KatsPurr's post?
All you said makes perfect sense. Great video.
Thank you!
I should follow Dr. Grande's lead here and say something intelligent now:
As someone who identifies as having both BPD and AvPD, I have seen both sides of the coin. In other words, I am fairly certain that I have appeared unattractive to women, and during my recovery, have probably also appeared attractive.
Now keep in mind, I'm an average dude in my forties, but I think the attractiveness I'm speaking of here is the kind when a person projects confidence and has an ability to connect with people.
"Confidence" is engendered by success, not the other way around. Women only bring up the "confidence" trope when they wish to gaslight ugly males with a false dichotomy. Project "confidence" as a sexually undesirable male and females will laugh their bum's off.
a man who does what he says is super attractive. emotionally stable. trying to do something with their life/time. Being friendly to everyone regardless of if you wanna sleep with them too. people notice that.
Great video! I'm curious about your take on the alpha/beta male construct. I know some men who love this construct and view the world through this lens. I think it's reductive, but maybe there is something to it?
I think some men see a man who is successful with women and try to analyse why women like him but pick out different traits than what the women are focused on. Men label another man as a “bad boy” and assume women like his dominance or something else they see in the man, but the women who like his type are actually attracted by a sense of spontenaity and adventure that brings them excitement in their life (for example). Or a shy guys interprets another man as being arrogant when he is seen as simply confident by women who are confident themselves.
Most guys I know seem to have the inability to refrain from talking about sex on or before the first date.
Or EVER!!
I never feel in any relationship I can really be myself. And I don't really know how to be authentic or what I am.
im more of a "kind and honest personality before looks" kind of girl haha. great video Dr. Grande! ❤
I'm honestly interested in being kind. Wanna get a coffee?!?
I prefer getting to know someone as a friend first. Some men I initially did not find attractive became super attractive to me after I got to know them. My hubbie and I were friends for 2 years before we started dating and that relationship lasted 28 years until he died of a heart attack. Hope that whole death part didn't bum anyone out. It shouldn't as I feel lucky to have had such a wonderful marriage for so many years. If it ended earlier than it should have (he was 48 at death,) that's okay because that's the way life goes sometimes. Shit happens and ya gotta keep going and learning. :)
@@lisalph8922 /r/suddenlytragic
You're a liar.
bless you your family and your dog
Thank you and sorry
Wonderful voyage into social psychology. So many great tips!
1 Be healthy, most people are attractive if they’re the right weight, eat well and don’t have addictions.
2 Have a life and be active in the community, you’ll be way more attractive to women if you’re independent and interesting.
3 Work on your social skills, this will help you meet someone and have a social life within the relationship.
4 Be old fashioned in the good ways but not the bad. A modern gentleman is kind, but sees his lady as an equal and encourages her to do well in all areas.
5 Sort your life out, kick bad habits, get over your exes and your childhood, definitely drop all addictions.
6 Always be nice, women are watching how you treat everyone.
7 Learn to be by yourself, no women wants a clingy man
8 Don’t just do all this work to pull a woman do it for yourself.
9 Take it slowly, don't ask an internet date what colour knickers she’s wearing.
10 Be friends first, a romantic partner is always a friend and it’s what will keep the relationship going. Practice being friends within women you’re not attracted to, we are people.
now here's a better version:
1. buy a nice car
2. post a picture with it on tinder
I don't have much advice on behavior, but when it comes to looks, there is a lot of things you can do to look great, even if you wasn't born conventionally attractive. As mentioned in the video, grooming is a big part. (Take care of your hair and beard, use a slight amount of deodorant after your shower etc.) I personally find that what people wear and how well they take care of themselves is way more important to my attraction than any with born features.
I'd also like to ad that you might want to dress like the type of girl you want to attract. Not meaning that you should wear skirts and dresses, but if you want a goth girl, dress like a goth. If you want a geek girl, wear a geeky t-shirt (but fresh and in good quality). Of course, this comes naturally to a lot of people because we tend to look for partners we share interests with in the first place.
Great comment. Just wanted to add... If someone likes goth girls, they should learn as much as possible about the culture. It’s not just about wearing black.
Taleshunter Very True
Like often attracts like, despite anything organic chemistry says... though TOO much similarity? Hmm. You might snag a narcissist (there’s a little dry-Grande there for ya, just to be silly).
Some people have conditions that make it difficult for them to appear like they have good hygiene like people who over-sweat or people who have skin conditions. I guess that would still play a role because it's an indicator of bad genetics. It's easy to look at someone and judge them for not conforming to good hygiene. I knew a girl from high school who literally could not stop growing a full bushy beard.
True. One whiff of a man looking for an easy life off my sweat, forget that....
Judy Lee Somehow the good men need to start thinking that making life more difficult for bad people, like filthy billionaires, and like easier for good people is the thing we need to do. Functionally speaking that means things like the Roosevelt 94% tax rate on the wealthiest, make all this inherited wealth over 1 million, heavily taxed and creating a variety of social structures to make the lives of everyday people easier, like mass transit, more disaster relief funds because the Robber Barons have screwed up the planet. This means voting the Green Left and quit all that Tea Party irresponsibility and Repukagan hater crap and corporate Dem whoring crap. The only ones on a national scale fit for the task is Bernie Sanders, Tulsi and AOC.
Something that women do as a matter of course. Divorce an unfaithful female spouse? She's automatically entitled to at least HALF of everything the male spouse has worked for, including property, cars, kids and even pets. And I doubt a man could live "an easy life" around you, in any way, shape or form.
Great advice. Less talk and just listen and have presence.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge. I love listening to you.
Love your videos and advice Dr G. ♥️
I think if men would try to stimulate our minds and souls instead of stimulating other things😉 your right Dr. for most women it's mental and it's physical for most men😔 I look at a person's heart, personality and their spirit and if they love the Lord. good video Dr. thank you❤
Speaking of.prison jumpsuits... Can you do a video on women who date men who are incarcerated? Mendez brothers got married after being in prison. Ted Bundy and others received love letters. What's up with that? Why do women look to inmates for love relations? There has to be issues with women who seek these men out. Thanks you.
Because women are women. Women claim that they don't like abusive men, but mewl for them if these same abuser's ignore them for an afternoon. They like "nice guys" but can always magically sense that, by coincidence, men they think of as facially ugly are really bad guy's PRETENDING to be nice guy's. American women love to brag that they are "strong and independent" but will literally have a psychological meltdown if they suspect that their girlfriend's don't want to sleep with her man. And so on and so forth.
Your comment points, to my mind, the flaw in the good doctor‘s otherwise solid analysis. As you alluded to, the list of heinous criminals who attract large female followings is long. Consider also the divorce rate, and what primarily drives it, eg women wanting out of abusive relationships, and it becomes clear that women are attracted to sociopaths and men with dark triad traits.
I don’t think the women who do so necessarily have “issues”; to my mind their attraction to bad men harks back to our primordial days when protection from predators was necessary for survival. Those traits were eventually bred into the gene pool, and persist even as they have outlived their usefulness. But, I admit it is only a theory of mine as to why it is so
Yes I would love to hear a review of the literature on this phenomenon! Women who court men in prison.
Chris Watts gets tons of love letters too
@@WillChil466 Because despite the propaganda you’ve been fed, men and women are not the same. Attraction for us is much different. It depends primarily on whether we like what they see, and hopefully I don’t have to draw you a picture as to what that is. There exists a $4 billion a year industry at the ready, willing to help you figure it out
“Define respect in a way consistent with the values of the person you’re interested in.” Or as Aretha says,
“R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me.” Great advice, no matter how you say it.
Your humor is hilarious 🤣
And truly you nailed it..
As I've gotten older and less self centered lol I really believe beauty is in the eye of the beholder
1. Be attractive
2. Don’t be unattractive
@@MrJimShorts Well pretty obviously because women might need to be supported during pregnancy and they dont want to give birth in a tin shack on the outskirts of the town.
Not treating them like a slice of double sausage pizza is a good start 🤔😂
Really?
Can I treat my pizza like pizza tho?
I would be interested if you did a video on the nature/nurture debate or to be more precise (and overcome the binary) the variety of effects that can contribute to the outcome of a persons personality and behaviour (pre-coded genetics, random biological variation, parents health, epigenetics, nutrition, environmental conditions (e.g. air pollution, chemical consumption), drug use, family relations, social relations, cultural learning (beliefs/values), critical experiences (contingent chance?) etcetera. How would one attempt to balance the relative impact, nature of effect or importance of all these variables in shaping the possibility space (psychological landscape) of future subjective states - and what nudges can be made and by what factors to shift the ultimate outcome by factors after genetics? It is also interesting to think in this regard how can human nature change or be changed by our interventions in the future - genetic engineering, brain stimulation, deep brain implants; what are the implications of a transhuman/posthuman for the understanding of psychological and behaviour patterns currently seen in human? What are the limits to change in human/psychological nature?
I love videos like this, it helps my life get better so much
I laughed so hard at the beginning. My favorite thing about men are a sense of humour. Actually personality, for me is a kind, gentle man. I was thinking kindness as being high. on my list. Being taller than me is a given( I am short) Money is not that important but always learning something is great. Looks are pretty low on the list because I always thought they were conceited.this was extremely interesting from a guy's point of view.💕🇨🇦
( Prefect IS the ENEMY of good ).. I m in my 50's and I got to tell ya... I see new miracles every day
As always, very helpful and I thankyou.
Dr Grande,You're the best! Thanks for sharing.