How to Attract Someone "Out of Your League" | Online Dating & Desirability
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 30 сен 2024
- This video answers the questions: How can someone be successful with online dating? How can one find a romantic party who is “out of their league?” What is the science behind online dating?
Jänkälä, A., Lehmuskallio, A., & Takala, T. (2019). Photo Use While Dating: From Forecasted Photos in Tinder to Creating Copresence Using Other Media. Human Technology, 15(2), 202-225.
Fullwood, C., & Attrill-Smith, A. (2018). Up-Dating: Ratings of Perceived Dating Success Are Better Online than Offline. CyberPsychology, Behavior & Social Networking, 21(1), 11-15.
Peters, S., & Salzsieder, H. (2018). What Makes You Swipe Right?:
Gender Similarity in Interpersonal Attraction in a Simulated Online Dating Context. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 23(4), 320-329.
Whyte, S., & Torgler, B. (2017). Preference Versus Choice in Online Dating. CyberPsychology, Behavior & Social Networking, 20(3), 150-156
SHARABI, L. L., & CAUGHLIN, J. P. (2017). What predicts first date success? A longitudinal study of modality switching in online dating. Personal Relationships, 24(2), 370-391.
Whitty, M. T. (2018). Do You Love Me? Psychological Characteristics of Romance Scam Victims. CyberPsychology, Behavior & Social Networking, 21(2), 105-109.
SLATER, D. (2013). A Million First Dates How Online Dating Is Threatening Monogamy. Atlantic, 311(1), 40.
www.theatlanti...
www.eharmony.c...
advances.scien...
Support Dr. Grande on Patreon:
/ drgrande
Omg. Finding a date sounds exhausting,. I’m going back to bed..........
Lol :) u made me giggle
Hey don't despair! Can I go with you? pretty please! LMAO.
Same
That is how I've been feeling for some time. It's so exhausting.
Ikr
Nope. Not for me! I’m a bitter old hag who gave up on love a long time ago!
Unless u wanna take me out to dinner, Dr. Grande 😍😍😍😍😍😘
krissykat : 😂🤣😂
Lol...
@M Z I think you need to work on your profile writing skills!
Dating someone named Krissy is just asking for trouble.
Robert 😲 I’m not trouble allllll the time tho
If you go into a relationship for superficial reasons, don't be suprised when your relationship is superficial 💁♀️
This, so much this!
Haha well said!
Good advice for many women.
Now, There's a nugget of gold right there!
Sloid many men as well
Met my boyfriend 5 months ago. I thought he was out of my league, but he thought I was out of his league 🎁
Those are the best relationships, imo. So happy for you!
@@4pensword4 this was my exact comment! When you believe you are out of each others league you appreciate eachother because they are essentially a “gift”. These are the only relationships I settle for!
Good luck in your upcoming divorce!
That's just gorgeous and SO cute!!
So you like it better that he's not confident??
You're out of my league Dr Grande 💙
The thirst is tangible.
@@phoenixzappa7366 We know Dr Grandes OLD would be lit up like 🔥
@@phoenixzappa7366 It makes it funnier that he just liked it but no comment...like low key agreeing with her that he's out of her league.
😆😆 So true. He's a baller that Dr G. 🏈
@@izzybizzy3030 he rarely coments
I'm gonna make sure my wife's boyfriend watches this. I will share this with him Dr. Todd. Thanks.
Ha! Ha! 🤣🤣🤣
😂😂😂
Lying about age is huge for me. I dated a man whom I met online and, for five months, I believed he was 9 years older than me which was already a bit too much. And then I accidentally saw his driver license when he was test driving an automobile. He was fourteen years older than me. I tried to get over it for months but I could not stop feeling resentful that, right out of the gate, he lied and deceived me about something so simple and unnecessary to hide. What else was he or would he lie about?
One thing I cannot tolerate is a liar. Most men lie about their age on dating apps & then they try to come clean, " If you made it this far into reading my profile, I am actually 7 years older . I changed the age for search purposes."....I immediately DELETE these losers!!! Or they say "I don't know what happened, but I am 7 years older than my stated age. I tried to fix it, but the app won't let me.".....lies!!
You are totally in the right to find that unacceptable. Out of curiosity, do you think you would have proceeded if he told the truth? Meaning, did he really miss out because of that stupid urge to lie.
Lots.
"THe probability is not zero" .... So you are saying I have a chance?
I read somewhere that for Every 750 something messages you send out on a dating site there should be 2 chances a true love😉💥🔥, so start writing... honest, witty and kind💞
"That's not happening. That's never happening." LOL Dr. Grande's sense of humor slipped through.
I saw it too and had a chuckle as well.
It was so cute!
I don't think it was humor.
Such a jerk
@seb asstion I know. I'm being devil's advocate. You know how emotional girls get when they are told they aren't pretty enough. If you didn't, let this be a warning.
I wasn't terribly interested in online dating. My daughter basically cornered me into it. The only thing I put in my profile was "I have more baggage than American Airlines". I'm getting married in two weeks... go figure.
You're also wuhite which is the only thing that REALLY matters 🙄🙄😤👉👎
@@thebtchthathikes1008 Depends on what you’re looking for 🤷🏽♂️ If you’re a black woman looking for a white man you’re significantly less likely to find a long term partner. Dating within your race is typically more effective unless someone just has an interracial preference.
@Jerseygirl8999 m There was a survey done by the dating site OKCupid a few years back that determined that the least desirable people on this dating site were black women and Asian men.
There was also a survey - The National Survey of Family Growth - that shows something similar. Less than 2/3 of black women are married by 40, compared to 90% of white & Asian women and 80% of Hispanic women.
I personally (as a black man) love black women but unfortunately the world doesn’t love them as much.
@@HaxStudio I would be very careful about how you interpret those statistics RE: black women being married by 40. Many black women have a long term partner that they don't "put on the books" with the government in order to maintain benefits etc. So it may not be that guys aren't attracted to them long term but that they monitor what info they share with the government.
Men hardly read profiles anyway, they just look at photos.
Many women out there (and probably men, too) are using filters that make you slimmer, eyes brighter blue, better hair, whatever, to basically Photoshop their dating profile pics. When I read online discussions by men (I am a woman BTW) this seems to be the biggest complaint. Why set someone up for a huge disappointment when they meet you face-to-face?
That’s why it’s helpful to videochat as soon as possible. Lots of men and women alter their pictures. It’s so easy these days on smartphones.
Wierd!
It might be because many people don't actually want face to face relationships. They may be frightened of taking that step. If that's the case then it doesn't matter if it's a fantasy that's being presented.
I agree, that's what I found when I was online dating. So when you first saw the woman that had done that you knew she was a liar and yes, you got let down that the purported 'goods' were not as 'advertised'. The other one was lying about their age.
Eight filtered photos in a profile look like six different women.
I avoid all online dating. But Wow! My doctoral degree is unattractive. . . Oh well. LOL
Same lmao
I don’t know if you are aware of this but grown men are still little insecure boys. They could be in their 30’s, 6,2ft, 210 lbs of muscles, but deep inside they’re still that little boy on the first day of kindergarten, frightened and insecure! What is even worse in your case, is that you have a doctoral degree, when you mention that to a guy you probably get one of these two reactions 1- Oh wow you’re really smart, with a big smile but deep down he is already thinking how he will get rid of you! Trust me, it might sound weird but that’s what they’re thinking. 2- As soon as you tell them about your degree the conversation takes a drastic turn, even though 30 seconds before everything was fine. He just became terrified of you, because he doesn’t see you as an equal anymore, he sees you as superior and that in a guy’s head is not the way it’s supposed to be. You just brought him back to that first day of kindergarten! What you need find yourself is a MAN a little older than you, that is successful and you will see that it won’t bother him the at all, and probably will be a plus in his book an intelligent and beautiful woman, it will be like hitting the jackpot for him!
Only for weak insecure men. I’m a high school drop out worth millions because of real estate. My wife is a lawyer. What she makes in a year, I make in a month. Women don’t care as long you’re richer then them.
Typically, the less attractive women have to crack a book open in order to survive. The better looking ones just land a guy with money. So I'm surprised that you only have a Doctoral degree.
@@DrumWild lucky for me, I have already found my soulmate-an attractive man who also has a doctoral degree. We are equals, which works best honestly. Good luck!
These statistics do not apply to Tinder users. Online wholsale meat market.
Personally, I love Tinder. 90+% is pure garbage. Kinda like RUclips. You have to keep a critical but open mind. Separate the wheat from the chaff. But there are some keepers out there. Just like Dr. Grande :)
Tinder is the Heterosexual version of "Grinder", the Gay dating app.
Hey now! I met my husband on Tinder! Going through divorce after 3 years, finances destroyed, in therapy, traumatized by this narcissist, restraining order!
I do not do social media nor will ever do online dating again.
As a side note: another person I met on Match was catfishing me. Wanted $15k. When I didn't send it, he kicked me to the curb.
20/20 hind sight, the catfish option would have been the less destructive and costly choice!
D
Definitely not 57% men on Tinder. More like 95% and 5% average girls.
Commando Master this is way too accurate
If someone is judging you on your looks or your bank account.....well they will never give a flying fu$k about you the person. This is true for both sexes.
Dr. Todd "Optimal Mate" Grande
I wonder if he is in his peak...
I love being alone, and I have my cats if I want to cuddle.
lol I have my plants, if I want to feel needed. 😁
@@WinnieDPue there are lots of cuddly (fuzzy, velvety) plants too! 😉
INFP by chance? 🙂
Lol infp here and agree with lynne
Then why are you watching this video :)
For most dudes it's hard to find anything
For women it's hard to pick from thousands of thirsty men
I think it's difficult for both.
Why would you want to? If people are not equally yoked an imbalance of power.
Wow, sounds exhaustingly complicated, lol. What if one just wants to find like-minded companionship? It also sounds like women, statistically anyhow, may not put enough value in their own innate worth as human beings. You can certainly see cultural influence in the aforementioned statistics. I think that a delicious meal, a good book, and my canine companion may be my choice in lieu of online dating “games”. 😆 Great info though, I literally typed in your name and “dating” to see if you had dissected this topic. Thank you.
There may be men who don’t “mind” a woman having a PhD, but would think SHE would mind HIM not having one.
Not if he has millions in his portfolio at 30 years old.
One woman I met changed her profile before we met a second time. It was revised to say how important a degree would be for her partner to have. She knew I didnt have one. She said....but youre smart....I just dont want to date a truck driver. I told her, well I drove a truck for awhile....She seemed a bit pissy during the last drink.
Women tend to marry "up". She, with a PhD, may want a man with a bachelor's degree at least.
I would add to that, my friends and I have talked about this a lot and most men I talk about this seem to agree with me on this. Women who have a Phd or Masters typically are "career women" and most men I come across find a woman who is more family oriented (there for the kids more, at home more, not stressed out as much etc) as more attractive. On top of that, career women more often than not have become "masculine" in many ways (relative to a more "traditional" woman) due to the cut throat/masculine environment of most corporate or high level careers that a person with a PhD or masters typically have
Many PhD holders are unable to hold an intelligent conversation unless it specifically pertains to their career.
I'm so glad I met my husband in person whilst we were both studying at a martial arts dojo. I'd hate the idea of online dating - there's too many people on there who lie, and it reminds me of the whole "Dirty John" series about con man John Meehan who used dating sites to meet women like Debra Newell. Thanks for an objective analysis, Dr. Grande.
I tried online dating in my early 20s and it was a cesspool. Guys desperately trying to have sex with everyone. Then my friends started using the internet and I realized they would have sex with any guy I might talk to. NEVERMIND 😂
I never put any stock into how a man looked. (I mean, of course, as long as he was clean and well-groomed.). If you dismiss someone because they're not handsome or beautiful, you could be missing out on the most amazing, kind, thoughtful, funny person!
The problem is social media has hardwired us to see and judge someone based on few photos and a info bio. So now looks are what get you dates. Sad world we live in :(
Nah The ugly ones are just as awful and if anything I found worse than actually attractive men because they are super insecure they’re all the same shit in the end
@@mpro9446 what? I'm kinda confused... both hot and ugly men are bad but the ugly ones are worse because they are insecure?
I'm guessing insecurity is less tolerable then over conference... (idk)
Please elaborate futher
@@randomserbianguy5677 basically I’m saying date who you like and are attracted to physically emotionally mentally. Don’t lower your standards, -obviously have reasonable standards - but don’t lower your standards thinking a less “attractive” guy will be better in personality or treat you better than a more “attractive” guy or someone ur more attracted to because that’s often not the case. ( and can also feel like a kick in the can when this person you subconsciously know you have lowered your standards for rejects you or cheats or whatever) . Nevertheless beauty is subjective and a persons personality is part of their attractiveness personality can make someone appear more attractive even. Blah blah blah. I’m done lol
@@mpro9446 Ah okay, now I understand. Got confused the first time because the comment was to vague
Going to grab some popcorn... this is going to be good... :)
But he's so clinical about it! 🤔
I learned more from this than what I have through hours of watching videos done by dating coaches. I’ve gotten some pretty good results with online dating, but I was thinking about giving it up until I saw this video. Thanks, Dr. Grande! 🤗
I met my husband 11 years ago on a dating site -- and your video reminds me how thankful I am I don't have to do that anymore! He says he messaged me because I had a silly picture of myself in a T-Rex Halloween costume. I replied because he has a nice smile. 😍
That is just disgustingly adorable. Congratulations!
I fell in love at first sight with a girl that showed up to a house party in a polkadotted dinosaur onesie. As soon as she came up the stairs I heard her laughing and I turned my head to look. She looked so ridiculous, and I was like, "HER!" I'm normally not very aggressive in pursuing women until I know they're into me, but I was on a mission immediately with her. Within two hours of meeting we were kissing and cuddling on the balcony, and ended up dating until she had to move halfway across the country. Worth it. Dinosaur girls are hot! 🔥 XD
I replied "because he was attractive". At least you're honest even if you're trying hard to downplay it.
I would agree but maybe recommend trim-up the goatee.
That would do it for me!
Thank you Dr. Grande. I was on a site during my forties a few years back and I experienced total age discrimination in that men my age wanted younger women. This site had forums where people had discussions. I was very upset that the men were so insistent that they had a right to have younger women, even into their 60s and beyond. I was finding that this prejudice was making me very upset and I eventually quit the site. I found that experiencing that type of discrimination right in front of me was very painful.
One would learn about these attitudes the men had by reading or posting in the forums.
Thanks for reading my post. I found that finding out in my forties that men thought I was too old, even men my age, and some in their 50's, was very damaging to my self esteem!! In addition, I have accomplished a lot in my life and have a Masters degree in Social Work along with extensive work and degrees in the Arts. I have done an album of original songs on which I sing. I had a picture which is an excellent and very professional looking picture of the cover of my album, on the profile. I looked very attractive in the picture as it was taken by an excellent photographer in Los Angeles who knew what he was doing. Much Later-A guy in Canada accused me of having created a totally fake profile. I told him it was not.
Men online, do NOT seem to want very accomplished women. They REALLY like it if you are a nurse. But having interests in the arts, ether Art nor Music has never ever helped, even in person. They don't want you to have too many interests- at least on THAT site I was on.
One guy online was totally suspicious of me because I have the Masters in Social Work and I was capable of diagnosing him. He was a jerk for thinking that way. So Basically accomplishments like mine have done me no good. This was a Catholic site by the way.
I now believe men who are Catholic can be very VERY rigid. THIS is due to my many observations of these guys on that site on the forums and the many ways in which I met them in writing and in person. A rule filled religion like Catholic- does cater to a rigid person, and I have come to see this. But I am still Catholic. I don't care what they do. I am not going to look for an evangelical just to find a guy, even though I easily could have done so.
Maybe I should have tried a Jewish site like J-date. Maybe Jewish guys like an accomplished woman more. I basically just COMPLETELY gave up, eventually. I wanted a Catholic but MY COMBINATION OF these requirements seemed to squeeze all the possible mates out of the sponge pretty quickly.
If I were a nurse, or physical therapist.....something that implies sensuality.... !! I AM NOT KIDDING! maybe things would have been better. I have no good feelings about most of the men on that site. I met a few of them. One was a surgeon, who was a really dysfunctional Narcissistic and highly VAIN guy who was moving from town to town. He was lying in a way, about being an active Catholic. We went to mass a few times and I saw that he did not know the hand gestures right before the GOSPEL at Mass. He is still single. He was very sociopathic. He purchased 100 copies of a CD about Catholic Marriage and gave it out to each woman with whom he went a date. I learned a lot and now I belong to Ave Maria Singles but I never trust anyone who writes to me, NEVER. I GAVE UP!!! It has been too unusual and too much of a gamble in general. I make guy friends there but nothing more.
I did however make a few friends who are men from the first site and they remain my friend and have later shared about their meeting the woman they wanted to marry! These were very beautiful results that they got from their search! I also made a few very important women friends as well. One of the guys I am friends with who is about 65 now just got married for the first time to someone he found.
The possibility of predators being on a site, even a religiously oriented site, is very very real and still rather high. There were stories of women who met with some of the men on that first site that I mentioned, and there were a few stories of sexual assault. I know of one of those assaults from a close friend. Another woman told us in the women's forum about being begged for oral sex in the parking lot of a restaurant. I don't remember what she did. Believe me any bitterness that I am sharing here is well earned. I did a lot for the people on that site, in fact one couple met there because of me because I organized a cookie baking event. Then another couple thanked me due to the same thing. Those are wonderful results. I think it is wonderful that it works for some.
I suppose I can try to remain a little more open but that does take energy that I might not be willing to expend.
@Day Night Yes. And I will again. I am just cautious as I should be. I agree it is about fertility. I do know of this.
@Day Night But I am not sure who you mean by my "dating pool." I gave evidence above of giving many men a chance. I did not list how many I did meet or go into that detail, not yet anyway..
@Day Night I am not certain you read my whole post. Could you read the whole thing please? I have given them a chance. I think I had turned away many when I was younger in order to proceed in my career plans. In any case I could try to keep an open mind now. It is not very easy. One of my aims would be to forget what I "learned" on the online site.
@Day Night Anyway thanks for responding. I am older now and am ready to keep trying to meet someone, but I have some cautiousness I have gained. I do have some accomplishments that some men might like now. I am just a lot older and that has made me discouraged, I have been told I do not look my age by very good sources. I will of course have to keep an open mind!!! I must. I have never really wanted to close that door!! I do like the company of men and do want that in my life!!! :) I do sound rather discouraged above. Sorry for that tone.
Dr. Grande,
Are you married?
If not, then I’ve got a very attractive mid 30’s sister I’d like to hook you up with. That way I can access your professional expertise round the clock fam.
Haha
Yes he’s married to me 😍
Lol...he is taken...😂😂😂
Online dating feels like a sea of sharks. I wouldn't bother. I've been on my own now for 4 years... No educated humourous decent men where I live, but I personally wouldn't trust online dating. One needs to know more ie watch a video of someone speaking and answering questions rather than just rely on some dating site photo. Nonetheless, if there's a decent compatible single male out there like you Dr Grande... I'd be up for a date ha ha Otherwise... I just don't risk it... x
This is actually a very good idea.
I’m sure you have all of the traits to make a perfect girlfriend/wife to a man with the traits you listed. Now what you really meant is “Well off and attractive” not educated and decent.
@@hunpo1 My daughter convinced me to give it a try the other night. Did my profile, within half an hour I had about a dozen messages, 3 were military men, 3 were doctors, there was a vet, and 4 were pilots. They were all very good looking. Where was the trucker, the guy who owns a bar, the jail guard, sanitation worker, why no dentists? I am sure they were all fakes. Nope, didn't even reply to any, let alone throw myself. I'm sure there are good men out there, but I think you have to wade through a sea of sharks to find them. Oh, I forgot the movie producer.
Hate to tell you, but he had just told us in 1 of his latest videos, that he has been married for 27 years and has three children....bummer : (
I'll gladly take 10 or 20 years to find the optimal mate. I'm well on course anyway. :D
the trick is to start when you're 8 years old
hi Dr Grande, thank you for the upload. You really clarified a few things for me. In all seriousness would you mind doing a video on procrastination and steps that can be taken to overcome procrastination.
He must be good at avoiding procrastination! He comes out with a lot of videos!
I am working on this. I am also a list maker. So my tip may not work if you too are not a list maker. My therapist recommended that as I thought of something to do, to just get up and do it. Instead of making a list, get overwhelmed, exhausted or happy with my list and not get any further in getting anything done. (We always assume you start from a seated or prone position). Of course this is great for little things (which during depressive times all things are huge things so put that judgment aside).
Here's a simple example: So, you're on your couch. You think, 'Gee, the laundry is piling up and it needs to get done". You remember that you agreed that as you thought of things you would get up and do them. So, you get up and do a load. You might have to do lots of steps to get it done (sort laundry, get supplies, get dressed, brush hair, fill car with gas, go to laundry mat, load laundry into machines, remove from last machine, return home, bring laundry inside home, sort, fold, hang, put in closet, put in drawers, etc.) but you commit to doing things as they come up, however you are needing to do them. This way you learn you have commitment to following through and completing tasks. I still write lists and sometimes flowchart processes but that is just prep work for doing things as I think of them. I used to find satisfaction in just thinking about the thing and never taking the idea to the level of testing it in reality. I always got my laundry done, until depression set in and laundry was a new challenge. Recovering from depression I still find pursuing a new field of work difficult but housework is getting done, yay. Some tasks are more humbling than others. You might only think of something to do when you are actually ready, too.
I think it is a simple idea and a doable one if you will commit to stopping what you are doing (keeping the couch or bed in contact with floor, something it does already by itself, haha). Then get up and do what you just thought of from start to finish (i.e., make a meal, do laundry, make bed, scrub bathtub...not all the steps required for running a successful business, writing a 10 page term paper, losing 15 pounds, etc). These last things you will have to think of the first step, do it, then continue as subsequent steps come up and need doing. PS. Commitment to and honoring you calendar/planner are concurrent actions to take. These are tools you will utilize and like all tool skills you will modify, improve over time. You will change. You will grow. You will learn. I believe that you merit achieving your goals whether they are improving your health or wellbeing, fulfilling outside commitments or self care. Completing small tasks informs you that you can do what you set your mind to if you make the agreement that you WILL do it as you think of it. Give it a shot. Keep track of your results. Eventually it will become progress perhaps something like success will be achieved. Your definition of success likely will be modified, too. My best to you!
@@AWanderingEye this is the longest comment i have ever seen. I'll read it later. Or never.
@@dogie1070 ha ha
@@AWanderingEye 😄
I think this idea of “leagues” is kind of messed up and people should not be rated on a points system. I do think you need to find someone that feels right for you and you feel right for them. If you can look beyond physical appearance for someone that treats you well, wants to spend the same amount of time with you as you do with them, and also you enjoy spending time together you will come to love their looks no matter how conventionally attractive they are/aren’t.
Physical appearance is essential. Without some level of attraction and compatibility with physical attributes, the connection is less optimal. I agree that over time, attraction can increase, especially if sacrifices and investment are made for the betterment of the relationship, but if initial default attraction cues are ignored, it will create risks for growth.
I agree it’s important that you like how your significant other looks, I don’t agree that they should be rated on a “conventionally attractive points scale” aka “leagues”. I think people who are raised to only be attracted to models and actors will have a lot more difficulty finding someone who is actually compatible in personality and other important traits such as kindness, supportiveness, desire to spend a similar amount of time together, actually having fun, enjoying similar types of activities or having similar taste in movies/media etc... to clarify :)
I don't think there's a conventional scale. I think each individual creates a scale based on their interests and values, but then uses numbers or other rating methods to cut to the chase when sharing information. As for being raised to only desire models and actors, dating apps and social media are the problem. Because the messiness of the real world is mostly excluded within these virtual connections, people are able to seek instant gratification with a perception of low risk to achieve it. People who actively use these platforms as their main method to connect are deceiving themselves into a flawed notion of real world attractiveness.
I disagree I think beauty is much more objective than subjective. Say if Rihanna stopped dating her multimillionaire Arab prince boyfriend, or whoever it is she’s dating now, and instead decided to settle down with a broke, buck toothed, pot bellied alcoholic with a receding hairline that would colour everyone surprised.
Very well said
I'll be listening very carefully to this. Everyone's out of my league, apparently.
Find a way to get your confidence and mojo. And please don't become another disaffected man and turn to the MGTOW/INCELS!
Miss E thanks. I'm alone but not a loon.
@@nottooherbal that'll be my motto from now on
@@nottooherbal Alone but not a loon. Words to live by.
@R RQ you don't really get why he used that particular word, do you? Are you allergic to wordplay?
Ok, so there are several funny guys here commenting. You know, for everyone who treasures a sense of humor.
Norm MacDonald said "Women always say they want a guy with a sense of humor... but turns out they just laugh at handsome guys."
@@aakkoin 😄😄😄
aakkoin ..yep or they want witty, sarcastic, funny men because not only do they entertain women and make them feel better (like some sort of court jester), but they will also have better earning potential and be able to dominate or manipulate other men more easily
I just thought I'd let you know, Dr. Grande, that we have been dating online for a year now; happy anniversary! Love you, boo xoxox
I met my husband on the party line,before social media 😂 20 years later still together.
classicarah haha right on.
God bless you. 20+ years is really rare these days
@@the300XM8 thank you 🙏🏻
If you don't want someone who likes you mostly for your looks, you want to use average pictures. If they're interested even with your average pictures, they're interested in who you are.
Exactly....💯💯
You'll wait for a long time. Unless of course you're rich, in which case, they'll pick you on your perceived status and wealth.
Good luck finding that unicorn.
The men are interested only in what you can do for them. Sex, or money, or better yet both. Or someone to give them attention in some way. Or someone to cheat on their wife or girlfriend with.
@@user-wm4je4ct8y that's why there are so many men on there compared to women, many are already involved with another woman. You can't believe any of them. I basically wrote off that method of dating. Every person I met was awful.
Men my age never smile in their pictures. i guess they think not smiling makes them seem strong. they're wrong; they just look mean.
Your RUclips profile photo adds a great deal of irony to your post.
Debra Kight: You are not smiling in your photo.
Some people arent as good as others at throwing up fake smiles 2000x a day.
Some people think Im mean!
😁
The dynamic I tend to see is: men send messages to many women, women receive these messages and pick out the best ones. Men lower their standards if they don't get replies, women raise their standard.
You are generalizing about men and women here. But what you are really stating is that those who get a ton of messages often raise their standards. These are more often women just because of prevailing cultural norms are that “men make the first move”. But that is certainly not absolute.
Conversely, those who receive very few messages sometimes lower their standards or change their profiles. My experience has also been that those who receive few messages and replies often ask trusted friends to read their profile and give feedback about if they are unintentionally turning others off.
All of these strategies are sensible. We all want to get a reasonable number of messages from desirable people. We do want others interested in us but we don’t want to be inundated with messages. Few of us have time to go on dozens of dates every week so we narrow interested parties down to those we feel are most desirable.
I amazed how many people on the dating profile asked me out on dates without reading my profile about what I like and don’t like. Someone 20 years older or younger who lives hundreds of miles away and who doesn’t have one type of interest in common with me probably hasn’t read my profile but just thinks I’m pretty and doesn’t care at all about compatibility. Men or women who send messages like that rarely get replies.
Also, some dating sites only allow paying members to send messages or paying members to see your picture, etc. There are lots of “tire kickers” on dating sites who really aren’t interested in going on dates. Some don’t look at messages. Some just get a narcissistic thrill over how many messages they get but they have no intention of answering. So we shouldn’t feel rejected if we don’t get a reply on a dating site. There is a good chance that our message never actually was read by a real person so it’s not really rejection.
@@GoodnightJLH I'm here for the generalizations. Its a game of odds.
@@falakoala4579 I'm turning 31 in January and my standards just keep climbing 🤷♀️
@@falakoala4579 I'm turning 31 in January and my standards just keep climbing 🤷♀️
Fala Koala on point
I don’t remember if I requested this but either way, I’m pumped for this.... ☺️☺️☺️
Pumped and dumped
Just the title made my heart race. I would rather meet someone at a bar and I don’t go to bars, but I would rather than go online. I need to look into someone eyes.
Lol for real!💯💯
Me too, voice is a big deal as well as hygiene!
the whole point is that you make a connection with someone who you personally have identified as being someone you may want to meet in real life. Meet them for coffee. Take 20 minutes, and you can look them in the eye and size them up! Much better than going to a bar. Much cheaper and time effective too.
Miss E exactly. It’s not like you’re signing a marriage contract by agreeing to meet for coffee.
@@John_Smith777 EXACTLY! It's not a big deal. I made another comment that seemed to generate so much blowback. Like somehow I'm leading men on by meeting them. HUH? I think it's quite the contrary. You meet, see i f you have a connection, and move on from there. I think it's pretty practical and straightforward!
I tried tinder and failed to find love. I gave up then loves myself.
Thats is a total win.
After you've learned to love yourself, I would encourage you to go back and see if you have a totally different experience. I would be willing to venture a strong guess and say that you will :)
You used a hookup App to find love....you can't bake a proper cake with subpar ingredients.
@@misse7154 shut up hole
Tinder is for booty calls.
Thinking someone is out of your league
comes from lack.Have abundance.
Every person you have a relationship with reflects what you lack in yourself but that can not be found in someone else.
Respect yourself and be kind to yourself.
Dont get attached to the outcome in dating.
Have the self respect to be with someone that loves and cares about you.
Very sound and sage advice. I think you need to coach @AlphaMaleRelationshipandBusinessCoaching
Spot on, Sir.
Miss E yeah these ”coaches” need the most help😂
Katie S S thx Katie. 😃
@@andreasleonlandgren3092 OMG! Tell me about it. If you check out the comments, there's one guy who's just trying to spoof one to be funny. I think the conversation is quite entertaining :)
I've never been in a relationship, I gave up on love a long time ago, to my mind some folks aren't meant to find someone. But true love is when you're at peace with yourself and the world. Relatiionships are too complicated, and of course expensive.
doesn't have to be expensive... as a matter of fact my gf supported me when I was on a bad situation
and now that we live together we share every expense
@One Man I have nothing that I fell replaces it and it’s quite miserable since I’m not by any means a lady’s man
@@MM-nl8ci you don't move together with a roommate. You don't build a life together with a roommate. So, no.
@@hursimear3408 it's hard. I don't want to spend time dreaming about something that isn't gonna happen. I guess if it comes along 😭
Expensive? Wth? XD
Let me know if you are ever single Dr Grande! Wink Wink, I love intelligence....
watch out. Her name is Karen.
Do all the topics you chose come from 20 year old incels? “How to fake empathy” “how to pretend to be listening”. Wtf. I’m requesting a video where you explain the psychology of hegelian dialectic in politics today.
This one sounds like a Cosmo article.
Hegel's for nerds, Will to Power bruh
Don’t disrespect dr Todd
Butternut Next time you should request a video on "How to not be a pretentious douche" and take some notes 👍
Maybe he thinks that with some coaching incels will have better social skills which will lead to a happier life for them, hence less angry, misogynistic people?
I didn't know about putting the one best photo at last in your profile. That's a good tip to know! I always don't like pictures, when someone is wearing sunglasses or when you already know that a picture is probably to good to be true. Being honest as possible about yourself from the very start is a good strategy, because after all I think ' Honestly is the best policy' is working very good in the long run,
Be authentic as much as possible I do, but my experience with dating online is that most people just don't do that..
Fascinating to hear about the differences of ages between attractiveness between men and women. Dating sites are okay, but to me meeting someone from the very start in real, like for example going on a trip for only singles is still more desirable. How about first Skyping before going on a real date? Has there also been done some research about? How about speed dating, do we also have some research about this phenomenal? I'm curious.
Thank you for doing this video and the interesting links in the description Dr. Grande 😃🇳🇱
If they are wearing sunglasses in their photo I think "What a jerk!" Don't they know that eyes are the Windows of the soul?
People online are not all authentic or even truthful. Meeting in person in person, is much better. But there are so many factors to consider that eventually become played out...because Life is like a box of chocolates.. You never know what you're gonna get...
I really found it wasn't worth the time and energy involved.
Worst aspects:
1) inappropriate age selectivity - men in my age range, say 57, requesting women "18-45" and me only getting replies from 72 year olds. Even after changed my profile to an age band of "52-62", I would still get messages from very craggy looking 73 year olds who looked every bit their age who would tell me they were exceptionally 'youthful"
I genuinely look a lot younger than my age and have dated younger men since my mid 20s because they ask me out. Plus I have never been attracted to father figure types, and get stared at when walking around with an older male friend who people assume is my partner, which makes me feel uncomfortable.
And there's more, lol, but this message is long enough already!
"9% of women's relationships start in bars and clubs, while only 2% of men's do". So the vast majority of men strike out in bars/clubs. Now I don't feel so bad lol
Does that mean 7 percent are lesbian.?
@@ErnestPiffel no, it probably means that the same men approach women in a clubbing situation
@@ErnestPiffel No he means those 2% of men hook up with that same 9% of women. Would you look at that the old 80/20 rule but repeated by a "professional".
Either 7% of women lie, or 7% of men lie
🤗
I know this is off topic, but wondered since so many yt recommendations came up with this following this video and the depression loneliness case study: will you do a video addressing the "law of attraction" please? TIA
I have never needed a partner who is "out of my league", I've never even wanted one. I prefer an average girl, not exceptionally pretty, except to me because I care for her. She can be a bit fat and funny-looking, that's not at all important to me as long as she has a sweet disposition. As long as she is pleased with my affection for her, that's enough.
Keep it up with the absolutely quality content!
I tried dating down and it is just as bad..no thank you
Oh yes, not a good idea as a woman. The guy will start to hate you because in some stage he'll feel inferior if you are the one that is more intelligent, has higher degrees and earns or possess more.
Especially predators will love it, because they think they can use you financially or you'll lift up their social status and reputation.
Exactly
For me, great writing can make up for lack of attractiveness...poor writing is a turn-off for me no matter how attractive they are.
How about “Your cute! Im cute! Me thinks where a match maid in haven!”? :D
@@PrincessKitty2021 😂😂😂
I can't stand when people write emails in abbreviation form eg. I like u 2 b...
I checked your gender and...yeah. check.
Online dating is for the desperate and the beautiful
I've seen you before.
cryora where?
What if you are both
@@hjblacdes61 If your both then that means you have been suffering the paradox of choice. you don't pick anyone, you feel lonely, then you go right back to the swiping to repeat the cycle.
@@D.Ark-0 damn
Dr. Grande- in all this crazy discussion about dating and attraction, I can't help but think of the whole "sapio-sexual" debate. I can't think of a better candidate to take this one on than you. Can I nominate you to speak on the topic?
E, what "debate?" Everyone who has any positive sexual experience knows that it begins and ends in the mind. The exterior can either be a deterrent or an attractant, but is never the pivotal issue...ever. Yay! There is hope for everyone! --haha
@@charlesfoster575 recently Mark Ronson (a singer) "came out"as being sapio sexual. There have been media reports about others "coming out" as being a sapio sexual. I think for this audience, it's just normal. But apparently the rest of society doesn't deem it so!
Charles Foster
I’m also not sure about the word “debate” being used.
I think it’s kind of interesting that they have coined the sapiosexual label. And is it really describing attraction to intelligent partners or is it really just describing attraction to a person based on their knowledge and beliefs that they express? After all, there are some really horrible people who are highly intelligent.
Hey can you do a episode about Seasonal Affective Disorder symptoms and treatments. Tis the season and it's hitting hard this year.
Best way to have less men contact you: say you aren't here for hookups and that you are allergic to dogs. Lol
Ive met many women who "are not looking for a hookup" that were exactly looking for a hookup. Maybe they just wished they werent looking for a hookup....interesting
Best way to have less men contact you is to say nothing & not put yourself out there. There are lots of women looking for hookups, & they tend to be more selective than men regarding who they hook up with.
Sad part is that I wasnt looking for a hookup.
One wasnt looking for a hookup....her last book read was 50 shades of grey. On our second meeting she told me she had just found out she contracted herpes from a guy she was seeing before me. I cant remember does STD trump mental illness.On one of Dr Grandes videos he talked of deal breakers. He said bipolar was #2 and physically violent rated #7. So his ratings meant a woman would rather date a physically abusive man before she would date someone with bipolar disorder. WOW! Im screwed....
@@Don-ky1ni They are only saying that to not make "less good looking guys" try messaging them (implying they dont have any chance, so dont waste your time...). On the other hand, if a "good looking rich guy" messages them = its hookup time.
Only Dr Grande can make this topic informative
Doc, I find your channel fascinating and relevant to our current climate. I used to hate the concept of online dating and preferred the old fashioned way of dating. But in the West, online dating is the norm and during Covid, I have found it more fruitful 🙂🙂
This sounds too friggin complicated .
The best-matched couple I know met in none of those ways. They met speed-dating.
Having met many dates from Online I can say there's a world filled with damaged people looking to have their lives fixed by someone else....or to be a punching bag for their anger. Meeting in public and taking a chance to ask someone out is way better.
Hello Dr Grande, I have been watching your videos with so much interests and I have gathered a few questions I would like you to address if you find them pertinent in a video. I was wondering about the definition, or rather the characteristics of Personality Disorders, I am always interested to read how much overlap happens within clusters but also from different ones, how do we sort this out ? Or why do we classify these disorders as "personality" but not for generalized anxiety disorder for exemple ? I'm sure I could be more clear but as english is not my native language... lol I hope you are doing fine anyway! Love from France x
It’s really weird because “attraction” isn’t the determining factor in “in person” meetings but it is with online dating. What that points to is people meeting online are not really looking for “relationships”. They are looking for short term meetups and ego boosting. Don’t waste your time online. Get out and mingle!
I know several people who met their spouse online and are very happy
If you’re a male the first step is to be tall. I don’t care what people say… women in general are NOT interested in short guys! The amount of either wealth, charisma or attractiveness you must to possess to overcome a short stature is very substantial!!! I dare say even unreasonable!!! Dating as a short male is a completely different experience than dating as a normal height or tall guy!!!
Bernie Ecclestone did OK tho.
Dr. Grande,
Thank you for yet another insightful video about relationships. I remember reading a credible source a while ago that indicated there are four essential factors for compatability in long-term romantic relationships: beauty, intelligence, religion, and social economic status. Although we may see many exceptions to this general observation or "rule" (e.g. an extremely wealthy but physically unattractive man married to a beautiful woman who belonged to the middle or lower class before the marriage), it appears most couples whose relationship endures are well matched on the four constructs. The more factors they share in common, the higher the probability they will remain together. Your content addressed most of these factors, but I am curious to know your thoughts on how political affiliation and religion can play a role in attracting a partner and maintaining the relationship.
Thanks again for your expert analysis and the references.
It might make sense to reply to more messages, but as a woman on a dating site, I left and cancelled my accounts because I wanted to meet people and have conversations. And nearly 8 out of 10 messages that I received were inappropriate. I think a lot of sites are used by people who are already in relationships and just want to play. Just my experience.
Two rules for success in online dating.
1) Be attractive.
2) Do not be unattractive.
You forgot...
3) Be female if you are less than 30.
4) Be Male if you are more than 30.
Support Dr. Grande on Patreon for $5 or even more per month and you get access to bonus videos. There are altready several excellent videos you can watch 😃🇳🇱
www.patreon.com/drgrande
Of men on dating sites, 80% at least are narcissists and 50% are married or in permanent relationships already. And it's not just women who are gold diggers only looking for rich men. Many men also are gold diggers seeking a rich woman to take care of them. In short you are getting the bottom of the barrel in most ways in online dating. The three doctors I've met and dated and entered relationships with were among the very worst as far as being narcissists.
I've dated my fair share of doctors and I've joked with them about this. I think many would actually agree, if they have a modicum of humility. I think some narcissists may actually have some if you get a few drinks in them! LOL!
Did you make up those statistics?
@@ashbash986 Of course she did lol
@@ashbash986 LOL! They sound awfully scientific!
Omg...exactly 💯💯🏃🏃🏃 for your life !
So true... there are lots of "options" online, but I would say that less than one percent of the men I see are physically attractive eneough for me to find them even remotely attractive at all. .. and I (like most women) get a huge variety of responses, so there are plenty to skim through (they're just hardly ever anyone who could be considered a "head turner"). I have tried dating people that I was not physically attracted to initially, and that NEVER works. All the other factors just don't matter when their isn't "real" "natural" physical attraction. ... we could be "friends" though. lol ... Also I'm not attracted to anyone significantly older or younger.
Could you elaborate on what you mean by "not positive" or "less positive" in regards to messages men send?
You have lots of psychopaths...sociopaths and all kind of narcissists online and some narrowly escape being k@$!#d....
Dating a lot of people both online and in person [without getting intimate] is very helpful for several reasons. People don't give you much feedback other than not getting a [next or first] date, so it takes a long time to improve yourself and empirically figure out what works/doesn't. You need to practice how to present yourself properly. Secondly you also become proficient at evaluating people quickly. Third, once you settle down , if ever the going gets tough , it will be helpful to remember the selection process and all the reasons you picked this person. It really helps to establish that you made a very informed decision.
Not only dating as many as you can, but also inseminating as many as we need to until we find *the one* or a few that can suit our persistent needs.
Just like many of these ladies advising others in these comments say "have some self respect to find a man that will cater to you". (Lots of self-involved women in the comments) 🤣
@@troy3456789 Being chased around by a small army of needy exes and child support payments would not make you an attractive partner to a high quality woman ...
@@castirondude I didn't say that in today's "modern" world it might not be costly. Just show you have no visible means of support and the taxpayer picks up the tab. I think it's done all the time. We pay them to breed.
Man this sounds hopeless
I haven't done online dating, and thanks to this video, I don't think I'll bother. I have a PhD, and am over 40, so as a woman I'd be immediately disqualified. There must be another way to meet men. 😂🤣😂
Wind Song: look up “SheRaSeven1” on yt. So talks about the male dilemma today & how to not get hurt. ...Men do not love the way women do.
Well, as a 30yo guy, I don't think any of the two disqualify you from anything.
I may be biased though, as I find women in their 40s to be the most attractive 😏
But there is some truth to it, I'm easily intimidated by academic degrees in dating, since I don't have an academic education. Yet I think your sense of humour could do the job of connecting on a common level to your male counterpart and would easily wipe out the fears you might stir up in your potential match by having a PhD 😁
I hope you'll have nice dating experiences and find your spouse! I'm sure you will!
@@horsebadorties4054 thanks for the vote of confidence!
@@chrissearcher3563 I agree with the horse. After dating online for a while, I've found that water seeks its own level. This video is for people who value looks over anything else. Smart people are attracted to other smart people, the beauty being in their personality.
@@BariumCobaltNitrog3n hey, what do you do with a dead chemist? You barium! Haha!
Ooops maybe my bad sense of humor also disqualifies me. :(
Most women don't look that great without make-up & their hair coiffed. I was a night nurse for 20 years so that qualifies me to say that. So, don't be so impressed with women's looks in a photo on a dating site. All of that 'upkeep' is very expensive & you may not like paying for it as you approach your retirement years. Also, I married a man who was a "10" on the outside but a -1000 on the inside. It's just not worth it. Go for someone with a pleasant temperament & a high moral compass.
Guys that like lots of makeup are bad news.
I find its the fact that they drastically altered their appearance to begin with that is so offputting.
If you had just met me with your goblin-like features, brush your teeth, practice good hygiene, cover up some zits if you want, lip gloss, whatever, I wouldn't have a problem, this is Great Value or dollar store, I know what I'm getting.
The statistics on gender and perceived attractiveness is reminiscent of the old joke: it all evens out; the rich get their ice in the summer, but the poor get it in the winter.....
Very good Excellent point YES!
interesting to know you prefer online dating than sugar dating
Should I put my MBTI Personality Type in my profile?
If the object of your desire is out of your league, maybe you're suffering from delusions of grandeur?
Kudos Doc, this is far and away the best advice I've ever read about online dating!! Most of the so-called romance/relationship coaches don't know what the hell they're talking about, well I guess I should add I'm just turning 70 and most coaches are half my age.....keep up the great work, your 70-year-old fan
Are you speaking of RUclips coaches? I have never seen much from them that is very deep in general.
As long as you as a man can provide something a woman will gravitate towards you. Men are "loved" as long as he is a provider.
What would be a good example of a good opening message that isn't too positive?
My understanding is, comment the other person that doesn’t come off as overly fawning. I usually starts by asking where they grew up, and later comment on a few points that made me interest in them, in a neutral way.
From my experience, a lot of men don't like women to know very much or to have projects/interests that are different than their own. Finding someone who appreciates and enjoys your set of knowledge is possible though. The rest are very easy to sort out... if someone doesn't like basic things about you... they are doing you a favor by self declining.
I am going to replay this video 10s of times . Thank you doc ☺
The only reason I opened the vidéo is to see Dr grande
..i consider myself very ashamed to even listen to "how to attract a male raccoon" let alone this. Dr grande obviously makrs awesome helpful videos he's addicting yo watch!! I jist find online dating altogether maybe..i don't know.. desperate .
But that's because i am actually autistic and self absorbed.
But whatever Dr. grande says..I WILL LISTEN AND I WILL CARE
HAHA.
HE'S THE BEST. WE NEED some documentary Abt Dr.Grande how to attract him😁❤️
Just say no to online dating.
Sometimes people get more attractive as you get to know them.
Bottom line: even though online dating is a science, it is better to meet in person. There are too many nuances that can't be revealed through an online dating profile. The artificialness and unknown motives are a turn off.
How shallow can you get? Who gives a flying F about what a person looks like?
What about whats in your heart?? Like integrity, moral values, kindness, happy attitudes, intelligence, and maturity? I'm not 20 anymore and the cute guys are NOT my cup of tea.
7:30 damn we even have to delve into the 6 laws of learning (or at least 2 of them) to understand the complexities of dating? I'm spent. Back to Netflix.
The ad at the beginning of this video was a tousle-haired woman saying “O.K. guys, it’s time to talk about why we ghost you. I know, it’s super-frustrating...”!
I think it is kind of funny but also sad at the same time, the amount of effort and time people put into finding a good match.
Of course all the studies are valuable and helpful.
But I once heard someone say, you can be happy with anyone because happiness is an inside job.
I don’t know how much of that saying is true.
But it affected me.
And that is the strategy i am following in my relationship.
Amen🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸❤️❤️
It goes without saying that a guy will choose younger, even if she isn't all that attractive, over someone his own age who is fit, fun, and very attractive. Especially after 50. Sucks, but that's the reality. NO thanks, I'll pass on the BS.
1. photo select / stage photos optimally
2. demonstrate high status
3. play a numbers game
Aka do all the things that 'pickup artists' said to do 10 years ago and got called pathetic and creepy for
Fake it til you make it.
I find that community to be so fascinating. I read "The Game" in like one sitting. Guys used to try their lines, usually on my friends, at bars. I think they never tried them on me because I could see right through them. "Get Rich Quick" schemes to anything, including sex and dating, are never a good idea...
@@misse7154 Perhaps they didn't try them on you because you're more attractive than your girlfriends and they thought they didn't have a chance, or because you're less attractive and they were not interested.
@@andyisdead I'm sure they were disinterested in me, because I am completely disinterested by a lack of intellect and authenticity.
@@misse7154 'The Game' was probably mostly fictional and the success they did have was more a result of them hitting on thousands of girls a week which was kind of a novel strategy for the time. My original comment though was more referring to the early "manosphere" shit that came well after that book was published.
Be careful. Many people are predators online and have narcissistic personality disorder. It’s a playground for them and It was very scary for me. I met many men who were married but said they were divorced on the dating site. In my state, I could be sued for dating a married man. And I have money so it was unnerving. Then there’s the Emotionally unavailable person who has not gone to therapy after their marriage to see how they played a part in their divorce. They blamed their ex wife. I met sociopaths in every profession. Doctors, lawyers, Professors. Yuck. If that’s dating up I’d rather be alone. These men thought they were so cool. It was disturbing to me. I stopped dating online.
Dear Dr. Grande, Although I tried to absolutely be neutral in my opinion in respect of male/female advantages and disadvantages that are out there. I want to confidently say, talking from personal experience and opinions from other people, that you have completely nailed this topic. Thank you very much and well done!
How about elderly people in their 70's? I would like to see statistics on their chances for a good relationship based on online dating. BTW at 58 years old l met and married the most amazing man in the world through online dating. Sadly he has since passed on.
Online dating isn't seen as someone desperate for a partner anymore. I suppose work life balance doesn't spare much time to date and the chances of meeting someone in bar and nightclub are basically zero! I gave up on that one when approached by a man who seemed lovely. However when I asked him if he was married he replied "not tonight love, not tonight!" I bolted. Another great video Dr Grande! 😁
He was being more honest than many!
Lol true!
Im in a happy relationship sonit doesnt pertain to me but i think cute things like " Its just lunch!" Allowing perhaps shy busy nice people to get ised to going on nice social dates is a great idea! Life tends to snowball in a positi e direction ! When people get used to thinking ofcthemselves as someone fesirable who goes on nice dates easily and may even be seen doing so it perls them up and puts a spring in their step! I also think those songles fun activity programs also seem like a great plan. ! Folks get to get put hsve fun mert friends and there is that added spark of being single among singles which can get lost after school years !
WONDERFUL PROGRAMS !
WHOLESOME!