How narcissists process information
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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Narcissists interpret information in a way that supports their emotional survival. Everything will be twisted so that it’s favourable for them.
Thank you both so much for the info and tools guys :)
Yes! They are at war with reality. They rewrite everything to feel comfortable and in control…
@narc survivors, you're always an early bird 😅
Love Bugs, yes narcissists are emotionally stunted from the narcissistic abuse they had to endure. Remember it takes having to raised by at least one to create a new one. This doesn't happen without the raising of a narc into a new narc.
It's not genetic and doesn't happen on it's own.
It's created on another narc.
Finding ways to identify and stop the cycle of abuse is where the Gold is.
it's an automated response created by trauma or conditioning as a kid for protection, a deep seeded program. they literally live in a different world. love them for who they are and what lessons they've taught you. we all have our purpose. everyone is a mirror, what you see in others is a reflection of a part of you.
This makes so much sense to me personally. I've had multiple conversations with a (suspected) narcissist that turned into arguments with no warning. Pro tip: when this happens, don't try to de-escalate. Past that point there is nothing you can say that's neutral enough to stop the ensuing fight, because they aren't really talking or listening to YOU anymore. They're talking to the imaginary version of you that just hurled an imaginary insult at them. The longer you keep talking, the more that you really mean that thing that you never said!
That is so true
I call it ‘arguing with himself’ as they have a fantastic way of manipulating an argument out of a situation that only occurred in their minds don’t they?!
Accurate 'They're talking to the imaginary version of you that just hurled an imaginary insult at them.'
Gosh yes I get it ! When my ex-husband would go into rages he wouldn’t even be able to look me in the eye, when I would call him out on his behavior he would attempt to hold my gaze for about one second and then he would have to look away and keep on raging at the air around him. As I got used to his rages I was able to step back and observe this behavior and not take it so personally. I can’t tell you how happy I am to say that I can write at this time that he is my ex-husband. It is truly living a nightmare living with this kind of personality type
Isn't that true?!!!! He always accuses me for having attitudes toward him. First I am not like that, 2nd I don't really dare to do that to cause extra troubles for myself because I know what I am dealing with. Even when I am crying, he interprets it as me having attitude. I m sorry, do I need to learn how to cry with a smile? Or fact - u r so delusional!!!! Cant even understand what crying means!
A short description of a narcissist person: Home Devil, Street Angel.
Yesss! 💯💯
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde
they sacrifice their true self on the altar of their false self..
Covert quickly turns into Overt.
So true had one.
I remember before I knew about narcissism that certain people would frustrate me so much because I felt like they were arguing with an imagined version of me in their minds/projection and that I was never truly being seen and heard. They already decided in their head who I am. It's like these people were using me to battle with their own demons instead of connecting with me. That and the never apologizing thing. Like blowing up and never apologizing about being wrong is normal.
So true.
So true . ..and putting words we never said in our mouth
🎉❤✨️✨️✨️
Yes, they live in their own head. Never reality. They come off phony or clueless. My parents never knew who I really was, even though I tried to show or tell them. Everything was about their own interests.
This is exactly my experience with a whole community of friends that I fell in with when I was younger. You described it so well. Took me like 10years to realise they were projecting onto me
Yes, the narcissists I've known are very defensive and quick to overreact.
It's not sensitivity, though. It's zeal and glee
Isn't that exactly what the narcissists say to you?? They usually acuse you of overreacting or call you "too sensitive".
@Esoterique Better report to your union
@@abstract3213 Deflecting
Yes. And then later accusing whom they attacked as being the one who provoked them. Since the number of people who are narcissistic is increasing people with only a free grade school education as they grow older sometimes seem to be the most mature among us.
I told my husband that we needed time apart and that he "needed to work on himself". We discussed him going to therapy in detail. Two months later he has a gym membership, is working out daily and has a tan. He has not seen a therapist yet. Working on his physical appearance is what he perceived as "working on himself". 🤦♀️
the easiest parts to work on
It's all he's capable of. They're so emotionally stunted, they can't get beyond their innate egoic reactions that they've built up to shield themselves.
It’s all about their image, baby. If he looks attractive, that’s all that matters to him… they don’t care about processing feelings or character development.
I can see your point. At the same time:it’s a tricky one, deciding that other person is the one ”needing” the therapy.
@@Johan-vk5yd True. 🙌
I had a narc coworker. I asked if she knew a high up executive. She answered immediately that yes she knew him and had gone to school with him. Interesting when you consider I made up the name and title out of thin air.
My narc father was a pathological liar, too. There was no lie too small that he wouldn't tell.
Too funny
😂.. that's frikkin sociopathic ! I know people like this. They are so easy to test as long as you show a form of worship. !
Omg, I hope YOU had the last laugh & finally told her you'd made it up & there was no such person 🤣! My last medical supervisor was a narcissist, made our lives miserable at work, put us down daily in our professional environment & enjoyed doing it with sarcasm. I'll never put up with that crap again & I hope karma bites her in the butt.
Hahahaha. Good one. Chuckle, chukle. So clever.you are.and brave, what if the critter caught you gaming it. Battle stations.
you chose a lie with wiggle room. Hhhmmmmmm, hhmmmmmmm. Interesting.
They can only accept "admiration" "appreciation" "compliment". If you deliver some critism, they are going to be upset very quickly and start to generate negtive projection about you. Then you will fall into a cycle of explanining yourself, and, they will not listen....
Most interesting
Spot on, and well said!!!
They will not listen at at!! My narc lied on me and refuses to comprehend he is simply in battle with himself losing on both sides!
Yup, babies badly brought up by their parents "I know you are but what am I?" will be their go to quick fix reply!
Worst thing is my narc can't and won't even take admiration and compliments from me(the only supply as his wife). When I call him handsome, he would reply "what do you want?" Or "I don't feel so handsome at the moment" or just simply ignore me rather than a healthy person would give u a smile and other warm and friendly responses.
When I say happy birthday to him last time, he said to me "happy birthday now is almost like an insult"(because he has a few underlying health issues). If other people say it to him, even it's his enemy, he would be at least acting like a normal person would and say thank you.
In other words, they're a loaded and cocked gun looking for an opportunity to fire. Imagine all of the trigger words they have.
Well said! Living with them is much like having a loaded semi automatic gun pointed at you. Safety Off!
wow, word
What´s the difference between guns and narcissists?
Guns have only one trigger.
Now we gotta think in terms of leaving.. are we just gonna point the gun or are we gonna pull the trigger?
Everything triggers their majesty, and it is your faults that they have to be reincarnated as a human machine gun for their justice. You are responsible for them turning themselves into a human machine gun. You do not even do anything, and they already bring in their guns. If they have their stinky baggage, you have to let them shoot you because of justice owes them so much. And you owe justice and them.
This confirms what I've felt for a long time while dealing with communal/covert narcissists, the feeling of being 'under surveillance rather than feeling 'seen'. Their attentiveness feels like the eyes of department store security when I enter a store (I'm a Black woman) the expectation that I'm going to steal something. It's exhausting to be at the other end of that energy.
Yes a constant surveillance
Surveillance is a great way to describe it! I called it reconnaissance (recon). They are watching & observing to both use the intel they obtain against others and/or to mimic others to their benefit.
Spot on description! I always say I felt like I was under a microscope. Everything I do is monitored yet ironically I also felt like I was so insignificant outside of the love-bombing phase.
Exactly! My ex used to treat me like I was the enemy. I tried telling him many times that we were on the same team, but it didn't matter. He was always watching me, waiting for me to betray him.
@@blk1735
Or waiting on you to wake up to his bs so that he can detour your better judgment in leaving. I think that a lot of it too. Narcs know they don’t treat people right, so I think they’re constantly wondering when the person on the other end of their abuse will head for the door. The dangerous ones will just about anything they can to lose you as supply. Be careful out there.
"This research is one more reminder that you aren't the one who is seeing something that isn't there." I listened to that sentence over and over.
It gives me validation...I am grateful for Dr Ramani
Very true. It stopped the self doubt. Thanks Dr Ramani 🧡
I think I'm going to read this sentence over and over again and let it saturate my mind. I knew damn good and well it wasn't me but the narc had me questioning my own sanity.
It often helps to go back to Dr. Ramani's videos again and again, especially with space in between, so you can see how your situation is playing out, you can hear from an expert exactly how the playbook goes, you can reaffirm that your self-reference definitely has valid points, and you can even give yourself credit for how far you've come when you re-watch Dr. Ramani's survivor/healing videos. I highly recommend doing that throughout your journey, but also try not to dive down the rabbit hole of bashing angry videos - they don't help your recovery. If you need to chew and regurgitate and digest your situation, do so in a healthy and professional way, probably with someone trained to help you through that portion of recovery.
Me too. They acted as if I was the one coming from left field. Wow, I just re-read this post. In turn by doing that they shifted and did not have to answer for anything. Too bad it took both of their deaths for me to finally see things for the way they were. Also, throughout all of this I now recognize my sister's major narcissism. My parents worked their assess of to leave us with something. She could not even visit the grave-site on father's day???? She does not work. She has all the time in the world. When I think about this stuff it highly upsets me. She smeared me for the last years of their lives. 0 closure for me. At least they did not write me off the will. Everything was a 50>50 split. Thank God. There is much much more but I am not writing a dissertation on this subject.
The narc will always process information negatively unless it describes them.
I also think they half process info because they aren’t good listeners.
this explains why I constantly feel I am not being heard, because my friend , who i had finally cut ties with, has been doing that all the time, jumped to the conclusion without even listening what i was saying..
They are excellent listeners. That's how they gather information to fool you and use against you. They have just decided they no longer have to listen to you
Huh? That's something the narc said continually. It doesn't mean I can't hear you. It means I refuse to listen, now go away.
@@blisteredblues1255 the point is after they devalue you. They make a choice not to listen or hear you
I don't think they process any true or real info. It gets so filtered and processed through their mode of thinking that what sticks in their brain is not what was in front of their face. It will somehow be spun to benefit them, to fit their narrative or agenda (and they have one, believe me)
For Me to manage narcissistic behavior.
NO CONTACT.
Works every time.
Thank you for another excellent podcast.
Peace
It's the ONLY way. Plus you don't have to say a word or lift a finger.
There's no other solution. Leave the game is the only solution.
Sadly not all of us have that option.
@@wittysass3812 Agreed, especially if it's a family member. But you can set boundaries even if you live in the same home. Your sanity depends on it.
Yes, same!
This is really interesting. It reminds me of how narcissists also love drama, and watching people get angry after the narc stirred the pot seems to have a greater pleasure response to them than just being happy, together and laughing/smiling with loved ones would. Narcs love conflict more than peace. Peace does nothing for them emotionally. Drama, anger, deceit, harmfulness and negativity pump them up like an espresso shot.
V true
so true, my ex narc loved the up and down. peace was boring and for old ppl to him. he’d cry about always hurting others (all the women he entertained as narc supply/validation) and did nothing to work on himself. just broke down. they’re at an toddler - adolescent ability to process or handle emotions..
Dr Ramani talks about this in another video, they essentially live on emotional "junk food", so like quick hit stimulation and nothing of emotional depth or anything nourishing. So they constantly crave another hit like an addict because they don't know how to nourish themselves effectively. Honestly it is a bit like trying to live on coffee alone
That's all.
Very true. Reminds me of my grandmother
A Narcissist reacts based on their emotion. if they feel it emotionally, it must be true. They don't think based on logic and reason. If they feel threatened in any way, their instinct is to defend themselves. They will blame shift, deflect, deny anything to avoid accountability.
you got that right, friend. I see it frequently. We are plagued by these creatures!
@@passinthru4788 What I can't believe is my younger brothers is exactly like that (got a hold of and squandered the family legacy) while my other brother the artist is governed by his fears. And me? A Champion Debater who loves good information and researched FACTS. Same gene pool. Go figure.
But they have very limited experience of emotion. Their emotion is only anger or waiting for next bout of anger.
"if they feel it emotionally, it must be true. They don't think based on logic and reason." This is not correct. Here you describe histrionic personalities. Narcissists are often rationalising and are often very intelligent (CEOs of the companies etc.)
perfect description of the modern-day woman. 💯
They only process information through the prism of self-interest and self- survival. If it doesn’t benefit them first and foremost , then it goes through one ear and out the other.
Don't we all, though?
@@funkymunky NO...NORMAL HEALTHY PEOPLE TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR PART AND TAKE THE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM TO IMPROVE THEIR LIVES, NOT TO VICTIMIZE THEMSELVES.
@@CristianaCatólica Why are you yelling at me? That's not at all what I'm saying. We all attract the stories, that validate the beliefs, that anchor our egos. It's a normal, and natural, feature of survival, not a bug. We all fail the purity test, on a long enough timeline. "Narcs" are people, too. And some, thankfully, are self-aware enough to redirect anger where appropriate, e.g. art.
@@funkymunky Some people are codependent and they do they opposite of what you just said.
Interesting postulate, though.
@@chanuppuluri8726 Codependency is not narcissism.
Explains so much about my husband. I tell him to just pause after I open up about my feelings. He cannot do this!!! He jumps right into defending himself and projects. He cannot pause!!!
It's not true that he cannot pause. He choses not to pause. I'll bet he can pause in front of a judge, police officer, in an interview, etc. He elevates himself in personal relationships and devalues when he knows he can get away with it.
they are like terminator robots...
@@anonymousanomaly9538 Yeah, I have seen that behavior more than I care to count!......They definitely CHOOSE not to “pause” when it suits their purposes.
Don't open up your feelings to them. I tried 4/5 times, and I realized doing so would just let them get hold of u even more and it's never a way to solve a problem with narcs. I zip my mouth as tight as I can.
@@abowling5759, yes, they dawn various masks according to the perceived benefit or outcome. The excuse of being incapable doesn't hold water. There aren't too many people who are so neurologically damaged or delusional that they've legitimately lost control of their impulses and behavior. We allow ourselves some terrible behavior,. We are accountable and must stop making excuses for ourselves and others. Have a wonderful day.
They process information as per their convenience. They look into information deeply that favours them,that's capable of manipulation. The rest that's not needed but too important for you is a garbage.
Bang on
What a lightbulb moment! It’s like you have to be a babysitter to their perception and a massage therapist for their emotions. Yeah I’m done with all of that. Freedom here I come!!
It's almost like a willful ignorance. Their mental and emotional capacities remain on such an infantile level, and when the shame is activated they throw tantrums and gaslight and project, etc. But it honestly makes them so stupid because they should know better, and they DO know better, but the entitlement and shame keeps them exactly where they are.
That is an excellent observation!
WILLFUL as in a CHOICE not an illness.
I discovered that these creatures are "stuck" in the infantile 2 year old phase EMOTIONALLY. It can be draining.
@@passinthru4788 same info I found out! Called arrested development. They're stuck at the age of whenever the trauma or abuse happen. So you're dealing a person who had the mentally of adults to lie, gaslight, and manipulate. And also dealing with a person who had the emotional intelligence of kid who you needs you to cater to their needs and wants! That's why it's so draining. You're taking care of kid/adult.
He walks into the house like he is already under attack. And of course, he blames me for that.
@@shelleykapp9637 I've been getting mild to moderate headaches plus nauseous and a racing heart when I know he is on his way back in town for the weekend. He works out of town most weeks. I often feel like I'm near a panic attack.
My husband was always coming home in a bad mood and I would cringe…I asked him why he was always in a bad mood and he looked at me with his mad face and said “you put me in a bad mood!”….I didn’t even do anything to him ugh
I would get a nettle rush. There is no peace and a narc under one roof.
When are you going to leave him?
@@jenniferhampton5171 if you’re talking to me I’m in the middle of a divorce and I have to vacate the house we both live in by August 1. I have another house that I’m moving into.
I'm glad to see more science backed research looking into this very troubling disorder.
Narcissists rarely admit they have a problem, so difficult to get participants.
Science should also look into "demoniac possession" as there are some similarities. I doubt that they will understand the full picture.
some people have a disorder some people are just using it as a form of protection but some are plain assholes
@@socialside5332 This should be a Public Service Announcement!
U know this supposed doctor doesn't have a degree and every time I ask to see it she removes the comment lol.hifh suggest u watch what ur listening to.
This is why you could have a perfect day, but one thing goes wrong and they focus on that, and it's like the end of the world.
Last night I had to listen to my ex and his new wife and all of our kids sit around the table sharing something they were grateful for. I felt like this was just his way of getting more compliments. It sounds amazing, but I didn't get a positive vide when he spoke, or even his new wife. They try to put on a happy face and pretend to be happy but really they are miserable inside. I don't get any positive vibes when I am around him, but more of soul sucking negative feelings. He pretends to be happy, but the moment something disrupts his happiness he goes into rage or depression again. I had to tune everything out, it was hard but I am so thankful I am out of that environment! Love your videos!!
Why do you have to still sit at same table as him and wife? Just cut them off to simply kids stuffs and dont waste your time and energy socializing with them
@@Lymoate because we co-parent our 4 kids, and our 14 year old just graduated the 8th grade and he(my son) wanted me to stay for dinner. I stayed for my son not the Narcissist.
Oh yeah, they are the whiniest people. No gratitude whatsoever.
@@estheranders1502 your children wanted to share their new family with you, oh the innocence of youth! Good for you for honouring your son's request. The narcissist puts on a show, and it is for his own benefit. No one really believes in the happiness, especially not him. But the wife might. And your children DO. I suppose (alas, I was unable to have children) part of parenting is loving them enough to support their world even when we know the truth. You have my sincere gratitude for doing this for your son. I'm not sure I would have been able to do such a thing under similar circumstances!
Yes, So typical. We definitely need research on these people to assist in curbing the destruction, Pain and Betrayals they cause leaving those in their direct connection in varying degrees of PTSD, Shock, financial loss, etc. Especially their financial abuse, often their is no recovery from this.
I’ve always described the phenomenon of narcissism as the person not having enough emotional bandwidth to care at all about the needs of others because they are so busy trying to protect themselves. It’s literally an emotional survival tactic. Unfortunately there is not much that will make them feel safe enough to get out of that mode, because the normal everyday challenges of life and relationships appear as a threat to them… a very difficult position for those with whom they are in relationships. When we recognize this we wish we could help them see that they don’t have to be on defense all the time.
True. Empathy is the only way for narcs to change and be normal people. Putting yourself in somebody's shoes.
If only narcs learn that there is no need to fight/argue all the time and it is safe to be around people.
On the otherhand, the narcs I knew grew up in an environment where they failed to feel it is safe within the family as a kid. There is animosity with 1 parent
Narcissists are extremely sensitive to any form of criticism, constructive or otherwise. This was the most difficult aspect of my relationship with a narcissist. Almost impossible to have a reasonable discussion with this type of person, especially if the topic involved their behavior.
So superiority is a defense and not their actual belief, that makes a ton of sense. Pausing and mindfulness is something that those of us with self awareness can do, but It's tough in todays reactive world where a lot of people expect a response or a decision in a split second.
I honestly can't tell the difference between assertive self confidence and narcissist delusion. I hate to say this but I'm introverted and have a hard time finding value in social interaction and people say it comes off really arrogant but idk what the problem is
that helps. I honestly think I'm socially retarded but I think you're right about me not respecting other peoples' social boundaries. I don't think i'm cognitavely doing it but maybe it really is narcissism. @Music wOw So cool so amazing yay wow
It is their actual belief. If not, there won't be oneupmanship. Anything can be your defense, but you choose superiority! They brag humility, but they want superiority because you owe them. They do not want to be equal. They do not want to respect and share. They want to be pampered and let you carry their stinky load of life.
You helped save my life!
@@MansoorDC thanks man! I am!!! I will use my music to help! Her video describing the different narcissism’s was the one that made my brain explode! When she got to explaining Covert Narcism I immediately thanked God for answering my prayers! I had received my answers that brought be to today…. An enlightened empath!
@@RalphScherillo She saved my life too!! Finally on the path to healing after a covert ex husband. I hope you continue to experience life and the great things it has to offer without that negative energy!!
Dr you helped me heal. I totally understand what's the next move now. Thanks so much!
Yes for sure mine. Im now in college studying psychology. ABA
Get sad that i shared this love with nothing.
Narcissist really are worthless: of your time, energy and effort. You should never mold to them, loose your voice, stay to "fix them". They want your supply and your supply only, be a tool with them or human on your own? Use that empathy with yourself.
They also frequently want to be financially supported, and have a 24×7 emotional hand servant.
YES that’s the main thing I learned from this experience was I wasn’t using my empathy for myself reason why I stayed so long they not worth it they are time wasters best thing to do is let go go no contact and heal 💃🏾🤍
This is crazy because in a dating situation I gave a lot of affirmation and praise, and the one time I snapped (due to their narcissistic tendencies) they only held on to the negative words I said ONE time. This makes a lot of sense, thank you.
They enjoy taunting people and when the reaction happens they say Look at you!
I feel this in my soul ! I kissed my ex when she was sick, grabbed everything at the store (soup, cough drops, every quil imaginable) and dropped it off while she was texting to ask me. I stocked her fridge, cooked her breakfast in bed, all while working and going to school. And one time we got in an argument because her cat pooped on the floor at her house, which I was house sitting, and when I told her and followed up with "yeah this whole situation got me livid" her instant response was "Well maybe we should break things off?!"
Disqualifying the positives is a gigantic in most families.
@@krystalrussell4350 huh?
Snapping is gigantic in my families. It's mainly because someone wants to be better than the other instead of listening respectfully. My families like that.
Narcissist are the biggest grudge holders I have ever meet .They bring events from ages ago .I couldn't believe the negative crap that was brought up about my behaviour .Not one positive story was recounted .They literally stew on being so called maligned even if its not true .They completely have the victim status and they must win at any cost.
Narcs dont forgive. And fighting/arguments is the oxygen they need to breathe. They fight verbally to prove they are superior, worthy.
Why? Because beneath it all they felt insecure, worthless and invincible. So they need to create a stage where they are the center of the universe, needs to prove themselves and fight and argue with anyone.
Dont take it personally. They chose to be miserable. Avoid these people at all costs
Interesting how impulsivity links to reactivity! Pausing and mindfulness have helped me a lot with avoiding trauma-driven decisions so this makes sense. Thanks!
I simply now tell narcs what they always want to hear and cheer them on as they destroy themselves!
👍Old timer taught me this, less possibility to blame you, and they don't listen, anyway!
Lol we all destroy ourselves in the end it really doesn’t matter
Yodax Boi speak for yourself homie
I feel like I'm constantly on the defense now myself after surviving a narcissistic relationship. I've caught myself overreacting to perceived slights/threats by friends because my narc was so cruel and enjoyed criticizing literally anything and everything that I liked, did, or loved. So when one of my best friends said something about my new couch pillows being "too hard," I snapped and said, "you don't have to be so critical of everything I buy!" I felt immediately embarrassed and my friend looked stunned. I've done it several times since then over other equally minor things. Is this something that happens to victims of narcs? I never used to be this way...this video made me worried that I'm a narc myself but I know that feeling can be common amongst victims.
It's normal. It's a big trauma. Take your time.
How do you think they became that way? Recognize the behaviors you’ve picked up from them and make efforts to be mindful and stop. We’re all just people, so many people have been traumatized, don’t allow your trauma to turn you into someone who traumatizes others. At a point we have to stop clinging to victimhood and really need to take inventory of how these disturbed relationships have given us incredibly unhealthy defenses and coping mechanisms. It’s not our faults but I think this demonization to the point of making them inhuman monsters creates a cruelly apathetic landscape that will leads to victims who have picked up these defenses from being abused to be called the exact same heartless evil robots their abusers are called. The cycle of abuse is sick and sad and disturbing. Demonizing those with personality disorders doesn’t seem like the move, you’re also essentially telling a whole population whose minds you cannot read that they are evil monsters who cannot change and I imagine allowing that thought in one’s mind only serves to worsen their behavior.
@@QTpatootie95 your response is very insightful.
We all go through that after living with narcs. Be gentle with yourself! 🐈
@@QTpatootie95 wonderful response. And compassionate. Your'e right, we're all in the same boat in some ways and we should treat others the way we want to be treated. thanks.
When out in public, the narcissist I knew perceived every look and glance from a stranger as a threat. It was so exhausting and off-putting.
So glad I found your channel to make sense of it all and leave the confusion behind.
A lot of the times you are having a very normal discussion with a normal tone and respectful words but still they will spiral into a rage , honestly leaving in fear and speechless while questioning there sanity! No contact is a life saver
Yes I was talking to him so normal he snapped out that’s when I knew it wouldn’t work I can’t deal with a child in a grown body who don’t understand they actions affects others!!!
This completely matches up with my experience with my narcissistic husband. After almost 30 years of being his biggest ally, I finally started to understand what I was dealing with. So when I initially confronted him with what I knew to be true about his lying, cheating, hiding things, mistreatment of me, etc., he admitted to it. I think he was so caught off guard. Then as reality sank he, he reversed his stance, got really defensive, and denied it all, telling me I was making him lie about himself. Where initially he thought he could win me back over with his charm, now he only glares at me and tries to intimidate me .
mine is the same. He got away with his lies, arrogance for years until I started to confront him and being yelled at by other for his bad behavior. I just divorced him. they cant change. I was married 29 years. I am the enemy. he cant hold a real conversation without telling me he is a genius, brilliant and that I will never be as smart as him even though I made 3 times more than him. he has done nothing with his life. lazy and entitled but brags to look good to every else. they must keep up the phony facade.
Why aren't you divorced yet?
@@GreenEnvy. It's happening now.
It seems like a majority of these type people cheat and that they won’t tell the truth unless it’s a way to pay you back | get you back *in my experience dealing with someone with a severe antisocial personality disorder who was abusive but blamed whoever they were attacking, for making them so mad, they ‘had’ to attack them. This was someone in and out of therapy, hospital stays for weeks and months at a time, for years and years...they were so good at manipulation and that was coupled with, we were basically conditioned to not understand why they even went into the hospital or to a psychiatrist and not one Dr in 50 years addressing what was clearly, a problem...then they would tell everyone they were there in treatment because we *(the victims of their abuse), depressed them | made them drink/behave violently and it was our fault because they were actually brilliant and talented and who knows where they would be in live had we not derailed them-meanwhile, that description was what THEY had done to all of us.
Completely backwards-but they get away with it because no one wants to get involved, over step, or knows what they are watching because it is so bizarre.
My experience of a female narc is that their brain filters information so they only hear compliments, they simply do not hear any information which would make them reflect and self-criticize. My experience of a female narc (ex-wife) is that she was totally incapable of making any mental connection between her behaviour and other peoples' reaction to her behaviour. She was totally unable to recognize herself as the cause of other people's' negative reaction to her, she had no insight into herself so she blamed everyone other than herself for everything.
She's now 55 years old and she's lost every job she's ever had because she has a very high opinion of herself and she can't understand why nobody else does. For 20 years she was telling me she was suffering from stress because people at work were giving her a hard time, then I found out that she was telling the people at work that she was suffering from stress because I was giving her a hard time at home. She does not see any hypocrisy in her lies because she believes her own lies.
What a rough spot to be in. Hope Dr. R's videoes and your fellow survivors help you feel less alone and more sane... It's not you!!!
My experience of a male narc does the same.
Ditto ex narc bf. After my anger I am trying to transition to pity and ultimately to apathy. (Concerning narcs)
I really like your user name.
@@denisesatt7044 why would you try that Denise? For what purpose?
I would also factor in that they were in a public setting where they are always on their "best behaviour" to "look good" and "perform well", so their defenses and mask were on until it was made biologically impossible. However, when they are behind closed doors, they do not care to even try to regulate themselves, even if they have the opportunity because any kind of self-discipline is only temporary with them, and applied exclusively when they have something to benefit from it. So utterly tragic.
Absolutely, butter wouldn't melt in the mouth of my ex, once she was out of the earshot of others, the butter burned.
I have to keep watching your videos... My narcissistic mother has told me my whole life that I have abused her since I was 3 years old. That I was just like my bio dad and step dad (her victims that she said abused her).
I have to keep watching your videos to realize I am the survivor and victim.. The gaslighting that spent years telling me I was a monster has made my internal compass spin and spin..
The more I learn about narcissists that I am their victim and nothing like them. My mother projected so much of her feelings, emotions and everything on me.
Learning and healing will take a lifetime, but your videos help.
Lol an abusive three year old?
Tell me she didn't beleive this herself?
This explains a lot and shows why it's so difficult to try to get through to these people.
I literally just told another to screw off. Somehow keep attracting these jerks. Turned to your channel to recenter myself. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. You've been a real help.
Narcissists cannot resist trying to destroy people who have no interest in power over and manipulation of others.
They can sniff out if somebody’s tolerant and kind
@@elilevine2410 once i asked my husband why did he married me, what were the reasons. It wasn't during any argument, just wanted to hear something good about myself for a change. He said, because you are a kind and good person. I said, but the neigbour can be kind too, you wouldn't marry a neigbour. I don't know, is this a propper reason why to get married??? Nothing romantic.. Go marry a kind customer support lady next time. Weird.
You may still be attracting these jerks but you're figuring it out faster and you dumped it! Hurray for you!!!!
I just went thru the same, again. I'm catching on way faster. NEXT!
@@sabat8068 Isn't it amazing how much alike they all are? When I told mine I wanted a divorce he said, You're selfish. All you 5hink about is yourself. " I asked why he wanted to stay married to me if I was selfish. His response, "Because you're different from other women." In other words, I'm not selfish. He was just trying to manipulate me.
I love Dr. Ramani, she brings forth the deceitfulness of Narcissists into the light.
It’s a fine service that she is doing!!
They just snap at you at the drop of a hat...
Because they like to.
@@2gooddrifters they can't help it.
Sometimes the devils snap a person's neck too which is terrifying
@@maggiemay8622 If you know this, why don't you ask him a more concrete question?
Don't want to disrespect the issue, yet, I can't help to think that a certain mindset of peeps living with narcissists, takes narcissim as an excuse to be anti-man or too pro Feminism. Just my 2 cents.
My wife and me do both have moderate signs of narcissm because of our narcisstic parents, we both learned how to treat ourselves better.
If you know this kind of problem with your husband, I really don't get, why you even make it worse.
You should leave him or ask more concrete questions.
Me: "Honey, I can smell your shoes, we need to wash them. Let me have them and I'll clean them for you"
What he heard:
"you're stinking, nasty, gross" smelly, gross, you make me sick..."
Well he was right on some level
@@joannlove3414 that is nothing she said. She just said your shoes stink we need to wash them. It had nothing to do with him. They make everything about them. It’s facts your shoes smell.
Everybody’s shoes have to be washed sometimes. Everything is a personal attack on them.
@@joannlove3414 u think so? Are you narcistic too?
That's so true ...
This helps me make so much sense about why an absolutely normal conversation that's more on the serious side very quickly devolves into him yelling at me out of the blue, slamming doors and intimidation. It really seems to come out of nowhere, and I have always been left wondering what on earth happened. Well, now we know. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
Yup, the narc in my life is exactly the same, you have to walk on eggshells or he gets angry. Its very exhausting to be around such a person
This is so great to know. I have noticed narcissistic people love to act superior to boost their self esteem. And all so they love to act self righteous. If people says something that is rude they live to criticize people. I have noticed self focus people love to like they are perfect but lack respect because they are not thinking about people's feelings
My HF-I-BPD ex could instantly see threats in things by interpreting things in the worst possible way and instantly.
eg complement her on her hair and she thinks you are (politely) saying her face looks ugly.
She openly talked about this.
We had a game over a long period of time - I tried to find a compliment that she could not interpret as an insult, but failed every time.
Even one I though would be safe, she _instantly_ interpreted it as a insult, didn't pause for a literal second. (my brain cannot work that fast)
This video is very enlightening.
Yep. My narcissister-in-law is like that. If she cooks some dish maybe slightly differently than the way she cooked it previously, and you compliment her by saying “I really like the way you cooked this dish,” she inevitably replies “what, you didn’t like the way I cooked it the last time?”
@@stevereno Does she have BPD traits? (as well as narcissism?)
@@jonanon8193 I think so. The last time we saw her on Memorial Day last year (at her and her husband’s home), she had a meltdown over a BS issue because I stood my ground and said NO to her (repeatedly, because she wouldn’t take no for an answer). So while my spouse and I were in the guest bedroom packing up our bags to leave early, because we had had enough, she stormed into the bedroom and hissed: “YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE!” And repeatedly grabbed our bags out of our hands and flung them (still open and partially packed) into the bedroom closet, destroying a clay pot and losing my spouse’s spare hearing aids in the process. I warned her that what she was doing was false imprisonment (I served on a jury once where the perp did practically the same thing and was convicted), so her response was to storm back out of the bedroom raging: “Okay, I’m a piece of shit, I’ll end up doing myself in just like my mother did.” She since has tried to Hoover us back through text messages, but we called her out several weeks ago, telling her she still has shown no remorse nor apologized for what she did to us, so we haven’t heard from her since. Keeping our fingers crossed that this is the discard. We had six years of no contact with her once, but got suckered into being Hoovered back in. Oh, and her husband (who divorced her once, but then remarried her after a ten year absence) is totally her flying monkey. He was playing the “good cop” tag-teaming with her during her meltdown. Shades of Stockholm Syndrome. She, like other narcissists we have known, acts like a pre-adolescent child running around through life in an adult’s body. My late mother had similar narcissistic traits, so I am experienced with their antics.
I don't know what hf-i means. What was found in people with bpd is, that they get an unconscious fear reaction and misinterpreted facial expressions in tests. Seeing anger even in smiling faces. After therapy ( dbt/mbt ) when they weren't diagnosed with bpd anymore , because they didn't meet the criteria, that fear reaction was gone. And they could correctly interpret peoples faces. That is super interesting and also hopeful!
@@danika9411 HF-I = high functioning, internalising.
This is interesting. I have PTSD from a horrible marriage ex husband narco- path. It seemed that there were certain words or specific things that would trigger a panic or distress reaction from me. Alot of fear actually. This went on for a while. When I was with a very good counselor, I ended up making a list of these words ( and numbers ect) that just absolutely made me fear and panic. It was strange. I took the list to him and told him if he would please file it and that way I felt like I got rid of them. Almost like taking care of the evidence so to say, of what I went through. I only did this with this therapist because he was the only one that validated what my feelings and experience was and put the name of it to me. That was the major thing that put me in a better feeling about the trauma. And after that, my recovery went way up. It was so freeing to me to be able to move forward and the " word triggers" ect did not effect me anymore like that. So, with that, I just wondered how the victim/ survivors of narcissistic abuse react with that type of study. Anyhow, Dr Ramani, thank you so much for bringing your excellent videos and important and helpful information. You are tops on this very complex subjects that only some individuals understand. It really helps everyone to see and to be able to recognize this. Either for themselves or to help someone else. God bless you and we are so very thankful to have you ❤
Wow that's very helpful, thank you! I might try this.
I do not miss the ever growing personal dictionary in my head of words I had to avoid saying. I seemed to add a new word every time I avoided saying one of the blacklisted words and was just at that point of writing them down when that person exited my life. I'm glad most of that list has slipped my mind. God Bless
Inspiring. Thanks for sharing. I am scheduled for more private counselling sessions too and this might be a good idea for me to bring up to her.
I'm crying! I feel an enormous sense of relief after watching this. To know that the science shows that it really isn't personal, that this is the way narcissists are hard-wired, makes me feel a whole lot better about my painful relationships with my N parents. Thanks so much for this vid! It's life-changing.
Came out of a narcissistic relationship. Healed myself. And now concentrating on self improvement as much as I can. Thanks a lot Dr. Ramani for all the support through out this journey. It's a new life I am living and I hope it would be worth this time.
Doc you just cracked the code
. These videos that Dr Ramani and her crew put out for all of us around the world to be able to access real HELP and advice on how to stay sane during these unprecedented times while living with toxic people in our lives. ❤️
Yes I've found it very helpful and it's helped me understand what has been happening in my life in a safe space losing me to digest and process what's happening, but more importantly why it's happened because I have to take responsibility for my own behaviour. I'm dealing with vulnerable traits as a survivor I knew what kind of abuse I wouldn't tolerate bit I didn't understand this kind of abuse. I just thought I was being an understanding and supportive wife doing the best I could with the situation. It's a tough pill to swallow it it is what it is. Understanding this is far more easy than knowing something isn't right and not being able to figure out the dynamics of the relationship.
And when that mask slips or they're exposed, the covert narc either goes into self obsessed mode or rageaholic mode. They're really just not nice people to say the least! Thank you Dr. Ramini from Scotland 🏴
Hi! I grew up between Edinburgh and Texas USA until age 6, and I want my ashes to be cast to the North Sea, so deep is my connexion to Scotland. I just adopted 2 pets from a rescue. Just wanted to thank you for your efforts! And while I am confused about the covert narcissist at this point, I agree that narcissists are NOT nice... unless it benefits THEM! And so much of it is because of what Dr Ramani says here: basically, they're looking to defend themselves such that they read innocent interactions as malicious. I guess they're very predictable if you look for the patterns. But I feel I'm not smart enough to catch those moments as they happen, so I chose to go no contact to save my sanity. It's so sad, because my identical twin sister is the only person still living who shared Scotland with me. I hope to visit my old home there before I die. I'm 50 but a virus in the wake of Covid gave me heart/kidney failure. The Universe willing, I will see Swanston Crescent again before I go.
@@steviep9780 So nice to meet you, and a wise decision to go no contact, as because our 'normal' , nice brains are not wired like theirs, I feel we will Never be up to them, and you shouldn't really try and understand them to your own detriment anyway. What compassionate type of person would want to try and get into their devious, malfunctioning brain anyway! Do an upwards and onwards and Never look back! So nice to hear that you've rescued some pets too. The longer I'm around these nasty individuals, the more I want to surround myself with pure, innocent, lovely animals. I hope you Do get well enough to come visit Scotland one day again. I'm sure you will as you're still young. All The Very Best from me and my wee Rescue Pack 🐶🐯🐶🤗🏴
@@AuntieKathiesRescueTails Thank you dear. You give sound advice... and yet I find myself wanting to understand nonetheless, in a research study kind of way. Unfortunately the field is still relatively new and 'experts' don't agree on much yet. Onward as best I can! All my best to you as well!
@@annetg5470 Thank you so very much! I am so very blessed despite it all. I have the best husband in the world, who has adjusted to the changes with enthusiasm. He is everything my former narcissist caretaker, my twin sister, was not! I'm very grateful for him and the hand that guides my destiny.
This is my soon-to-be ex-husband to a T! Every little thing I'd say, he would perceive as criticism no matter how simple it was. I'd even find myself asking him straight up, "How is that criticizing you?!" He'd just constantly tell me that I don't know how to talk to men, I'm always so negative, I'm always criticizing him, and I'm just a negative and moody person because I'm not happy with myself smh. He'd always say, "Can't you just word things more positively? I respond better to positive words." He literally said this EXACT thing!
I think you've actually got it spot-on that the way for anyone with a "difficult personality" style (NPD, BPD, PAPD/Negativistic) to combat their bad or toxic behaviors is to work on the knee-jerk reactions and impulse control, and also self-awareness, when faced with anything deemed a "threat" (real or imagined, but especially imagined), having one of those difficult personality styles myself. They really need to slow down and reflect on what the situation is, not the first thing they perceive or assume.
Its a simple fact that once someone with one of those personalities is able to look inward and mediate their own reactiveness and recognize the "threat" is just in their head and approach potential "offenses" more reasonably and determine whether its a real offense or "just us", it makes everyone's life a lot better, the difficult personality and those around them.
But the sad fact to the simplicity is a lot of difficult personalities lack that internal insight. Or in some cases don't care and see their toxic behavior as more gainful to them. They're like the polar opposite of "grass is always greener" mentality. If their lawn is dead, they just paint it green and pretend their grass is better than yours instead of water it. Worse yet, some expect you to water their lawn FOR them.
Thank you Dr Ramani for helping me understand these things. I used to blame myself, thinking, if only I hadn't said that thing...when I thought of narcissistic injury blow-ups but now I know it is them not me, and that is empowering.
The brain can be rewired through neuroplasticity and there are things we can do to make our neurons more pliable
What are the best ways to accomplish that?
@@Capcoor Exercise where you sweat a lot and meditation both help me. Spending as much time outdoors as you can also helps. Blessings!
@@Capcoor also on top of exercise a two to three day fast Bdnf your brains fertilizers is stimulated so it makes learning easier. I did a 5 day 3 months ago and was shocked at how clear my mind was and how easy I could remember things
@@Capcoor foods as well particularly omega 3s salmon is rich in omega 3s most of us don't get enough omega 3s for brain health also avoiding processed carbs if you notice sometimes you eat a high carb meal you become lethargic and can't really think straight
@@allenb6804 What’s Bdnf?
I just love you. I didn't study ANY of this when I was going to school to become a counselor. I worked in rehabs for years and OHHHHHHH how I could have used this information in my own scape goat life and to serve others!
You my dear are invaluable! When I start my channel after mercury retrograde, I plan on plugging your channel BIGTIME!
BLESS YOU SWEET SOUL!
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Thank you for doing your best to help people rehab. So many desperately need it.
And thank you for committing to improve your skillset.
You Rock!
Good luck on your journey
👍😎
@@eddierayvanlynch6133 Bless you sweet soul! Mucho love at you!!!!
My second cousin has a daughter who attended a Christian college here in Pennsylvania. She got her masters and did her internship and passed the test and is now a state certified counselor. One day I asked her if she knew much about narcissism and she replied saying she could probably have a conservation with me about it ! So seems like she has very little formal training ! This must change as there are narcissist everywhere devouring innocent people. Narcissism falls under abnormal psychology so I am guessing typical counselor is mostly trained in normal psychology and unless specializes in abnormal psychology they do not get much training in narcissism or the other anti social disorders.
@@johnnygreenfarmer1132 You are so on point. When I went to school there was not one mention of it. At all. This is so engrained in some from such an early age. Myself included. The healing process of untangling the web can take awhile. But certainly can be done. Good for you to help your niece just better her quest. Bless you dear one! How much the world changes when we all do a small part. Bless you!
This makes so much sense. After two quite different but still controlling relationships, this gives me answers, neither of them really listened to me, they jump in, talk over me, go off at tangents. The second especially saw a slant in everything, like deep paranoia. Finally single and figuring out my own mind again. Thank you for these video’s, they have helped me see I’m not crazy.
Interesting research. However, it doesn't seem to jibe with how narc's are often able to control themselves in public and only unleash in private. It's a choice they're making.
I fully agree. One Narc I know never does this with his family, but does it with his wife’s family and kids and especially step child (scapegoat). I think they are evil. It’s a choice.
Exactly, also they can be very good sometimes!
Actually behaving well in public is a tightly controlled defense to forestall any shame or judgment.
Being preceived as the perfect human is public is their supply. They think that if they are kind and show off a shiny facade, people will talk with admiration about them.
Only unleashing in private is likely fear of backlash as that can be a threat.
It's like they try to shut it down immediately. Interesting...
Please follow up on this video, regarding how narcissists would then deal with the fallout from their hyper-vigilance and hyper-reactivity. Specifically, don't their reactions to non-existent threats end up totally discrediting or embarrassing the narcissist afterwards? And since narcissists are poor liars, don't they usually dig themselves into a hole even deeper?
Good questions!
I don't think they feel discredited or embarased because they likely won't even remember that it happened. And if you call them out on something they will gaslight and say "that's not what they meant". What you are asking is basically for the non-narcissist to observe for themselves and react to but I don't think it's for the narcissist.
@@racheluwa6386 I was thinking about situations in a workplace setting. Let's say that a manager fires a very productive temporary worker (perhaps even a worker a couple levels down, whom they have never met face-to-face) for a very frivolous reason. And then that manager's boss finds out and gets upset because he can see the employee had very good performance reviews and the company was already understaffed. And let's say that employee sends an internal email to the manager's boss explaining the facts. The narcissist is going to come out looking unhinged and unprofessional, and won't just be able to deflect it or rationalize it, at least not very easily.
@@mfabris1976 Maybe. That's a very specific case. Lol. But most of the narcissists I know aren't very much able to hold down a proper job much less be a manager so who knows.
@@racheluwa6386 A lot of them do get fired from all kinds of jobs. But sometimes, after all that, they luck into a company that will let the narcissist get away with anything as long as the money keeps rolling in.
though probably feeling the inverse of 'superior', the long-time spouse of a narc developed similarly strong defensive reactions toward any sniff of a threat. whenever I tried to speak to her about something that had hurt me, all she perceived was a personal attack, and immediately shut down communication, sometimes for weeks, even months at a time. for her it seemed there was no distinction between 'honesty' and abuse. her reaction left me reeling with self-doubt and feelings of exasperation and despair!
I felt stymied, unable to have anything other than superficial conversation that stayed within her (narrow) range of comfortable 'neutral' topics, like what was happening in other people's lives. mostly she was unable to hold space for me, because to do so would cause her to risk feeling out of control of the conversation. our times together thus mostly involved her talking and me listening. I felt continually frustrated in my attempts to have real, meaningful, honest conversations with her, and to feel seen and heard by her.
Wow, Erika, this is so accurate it stuns... 💖
"No distinction between honesty and abuse" this sounds so much like my experience too. I'm so sorry you went through all that.
@@SweetiePieTweety yes, what I have come to realize is that there was/ is no 'emotional safety' in any of the relationships in my family; that on some level we all feel 'emotionally unsafe' with one another. its so sad when so much energy goes to pre-emptive strategizing and calculated (or unconscious) avoidance of threats, that there is little left over to be present to one another!
Well here’s the thing, did they change? Because just because someone is the spouse of a narcissist, does not necessarily mean that they aren’t also a narcissist. That sounds like narcissistic behavior and very different than anybody I know including myself who was simply a victim of it
This is so exactly my situation. Well said. It is frustrating and heartbreaking trying to genuinely connect with someone who views everything as a threat. Exhausting.
The more I learn about narcissism, the sadder I feel for the narcissist and it also explains why I always feel drawn to them and want to help them but then get destroyed by them.
yea i feel you. that is where the detachment comes in. they are going through their own process. we have to realize that we don't have to let them taint ours.
My mom is like this. She sees threats to her worth everywhere and accuses everyone of having it out for her. Sigh…
This resonates so much. Both narcissists that I know have horrible listening skills with hairpin triggers.
So interesting, it makes so much sense, and easier to understand their behavior, thank you for sharing it❤ At first, I experienced this through texting in a long distance relationship. It was very confusing because even simple words did trigger that response. It was the beginning of walking on eggshells. I though it was my English as second language and lack of skills to communicate effectively, until I realized the pattern continued and escalated to in person abuse💔. This knowledge is crucial, thanks again for your help. Looking forward to the next video😊
I never thought if this, but I can imagine that narcisst's target people who have English as a 2nd language b/c they ARE more likely to take the blame for strife thinking they were not communicating effectively!
@@annemccarron2281 Thank you so much for the comment. Yes, that is why I did most times, blaming and gaslighting myself. I agree with you maybe this is something else to think about for sure💜
Yes I am sure he use the fact English wasn’t your second language a lot to gaslight you into thinking it was you… So very happy you got out
I also use ESL and my narc ex-husband used to attempt to gaslight me, tell me there were no such words in American english language like “normal” or “ argument”. Except I am a language arts teacher and I would confront him, proving there are such words and not sure how or why he doesn’t know them. He would immediately rage and tell me I was not that stupid. They look for vulnerable partners who have no family around, come from different cultures, isolate them and suck the life out of them until you expose them. Then they discard you shamelessly, feeling nothing.
@@carinafus Hearbreaing💜
Wow, this is really eye opening. It really explains all those moments where I can almost feel the tension in the air before the narcissist snaps. I always suspected that he was just moody, but something threatening triggered the hyper-alertness for further incoming perceived threats...and then it's followed by that sudden anger and attack seemingly out of nowhere. But it's so hard to figure out what the trigger for that mood shift is sometimes. So frustrating, and eventually makes you start walking on eggshells around them.
I realized my NPD other was just defending her self esteem at every waking momemt - but even that awareness didnt lessen the fact that they make your life a living hell.
Thenk you for being one of the people on RUclips that helped wake me up to what was really going on. 🙏
I feel like my brain does this as well. I don't lash out I just withdraw inwards and feel very very down about myself. I have ASD and was bullied and grew up in very inconsistent household and emotionally immature parents. I'm working on it but it really does reflect back on the frequency of negative interactions I have especially when I'm using all my social skills to be kind and nice and it's not reciprocated it just hurts so much.
This is exactly what I witnessed, immediate defensiveness on an absurd scale. Nothing gets past the defence mechanism NOTHING.
Having spent years practicing rephrasing my meaning and attempts to get through…it’s impossible 100%
The behaviour that follows is childlike, is this them turning to their childhood trauma defence programming?
It could even be post-childhood. I’m pretty sure one person I know only became a narcissist in their 40’s. She had been emotionally pushed around a lot.
Or, they’re just defending their god complex. It kills me how narcissists have all the experts striving to portray them in a sympathetic light. They don’t deserve it.
so true its pretty sickening
It bothers me too. Specially when they say to not confront them or put them in their place. Ive engaged in battle with a narcissistic person not that long ago and won. Yes, you have to be a bit conning as well and is not a comfortable feeling at all but in my case i weaponized their deep fear of being publicly shamed, declared i was going to expose ( for what they had been doing) them and they would learn a humbling lesson. After doing that I forbid them from contacting me with threat of filing charges if they did and made sure they knew their fate was sealed already. Let’s just say he had to go to the company’s ceo and come clean about a bad situation he created and is currently on very thin ice in the company. His coworkers, many working under him are now very open about mocking comments they used to make behind his back and now do it to his face. The Ceo was very thankful for my feedback when he contacted me through my attorney as i made a point to make access to me difficult in order to make the situation look serious( which it was) but i had to take time out of my day to manipulate things and such and thats the part that feels icky. But it worked and it feels great 👍 lucky i don’t have many stories with narcissist in my adult life.
I grew up with an abusive, cultist narcissist father and i always stood up to him the best i could, which had me labeled as the problem child growing up. Ive gone through a lot of therapy to just try to undo a lot of the damage that piece of shit did.
@@inarumu I can't thank you enough for sharing your experience today. Inspiring to hear your story. Have you read Dr. George Simon?
No. They certainly don't deserve sympathy. They know exactly what they're doing and the extreme or malignant ones will plot all day just to catch you in a 'moment.' Then they'll gloat and use it against you until their last breath. Just evil.
@@inarumu - wow, your triumph must be so satisfying! And seeing everyone else at work feeling more secure about expressing themselves. Who knows how many situations you have helped prevent being poisoned by his hands by speaking out? I wouldn't dwell on feeling 'icky' (perhaps part of the conditioning from your father?). I dream of the day I can reveal the evil narc in my life.
That explains why he always behaved as if I was out to get him no matter how much I tried to use the kid gloves
@Rebecca Coley-Baker and if you ask for help they expect serious kudos over and over and over. Mine wasn't my kids dad but was in their lives for 6 years
@Rebecca Coley-Baker
SO grateful.
I'm thankful for these comments as well, they are very enlightening.
Recognizing, like you said, the same patterns repeated over and over from strangers across the world, reaffirms to me that's it's not just 'in my head'.
Thank you for sharing 💕💗
Forget words - a narcissist can fly into a rage if they think you looked at them the wrong way.
Absolutely. My nex would get upset if you looked at him, and he'd get upset if you didn't look at him. You can't win.
I was my father's scapegoat and suffered a lot of neglect and emotional abuse from him, not to mention the tantrums. The thing I'm starting to learn though is we are more alike than for a long time I've been willing to see. I have had a hair trigger response to perceived criticism all my life because I was raised in an environment where harsh and unfair criticism flooded in and getting upset or crying over it resulted in being accused of being "overly sensitive". Honestly I do have a hard time taking even constructive criticism if I feel it's unfair and I can get quite defensive. I do try to communicate in terms of expressing my feelings, but honestly I can't help but see something of myself in these narcissistic traits, and I do not like it. I get that it's because I was bullied for being upset over being bullied so criticism especially when it seems unnecessary or unfair to me can hit a weak point in my self-esteem (which to be fair has always been pretty low) but I think I need to work more on my ability to take criticism.
We were raised in the same type of family
It's great that you're able to take so much accountability and want to grow out of this. Don't worry you're not a narcissist as it's impossible for them to self analyze and accept anything. We all have our things to work on and as long as we can look at ourselves in the mirror and take responsibility for what we see and want to work on it then we're on the right path 😊
Wow this is so well explained, thank you for expressing yourself, because i felt the same shame of being too similar to my narc parent, when i see how they are and hate them for it. But i have come to understand that it's a response to the trauma. Like if you were neglected, then you unconsciously neglect as a defense mechanism, and so on with almost everything. It's ironic, and sad, but the defense to narcissistic abuse is becoming somewhat narcissistic ourselves. Nothing we can do about it in the moment but change afterwards (which can be done). So anyways thanks again for expressing yourself, i couldn't quite put my feelings into words but you made it so that i could relate and understand myself better, and get that load off my chest.
This is my fear. I see reactive traits- but I know it comes from trauma. I do get hurt easily by people's comments even if they are constructive but I know that's trauma and not narcissistic. I am not perfect. I am very self critical and I think a narc would not be. Almost like I put myself down enough so it's hurts when other people do too. I am also very sensitive to things but I know that it's hypervigilance due to trauma. I am beginning to realise that narc survivors often say they worry they are the ones who are narcissistic. That's my current challenge.
I think anyone on here who is capable of self reflection and what we can do better, are not narcissistic.❤
I think this info needs more attention. I've come to this conclusion on my own and it's good to see similar findings. Pausing and becoming more self aware is beneficial for everyone tbh. evaluating your life, your actions from all aspects requires humility. it's very hard work, very painful at times and you have to be willing to endure it and be brutally honest with yourself. These videos have taught me a lot about the narcissist's in my life, and also a lot about my own narcissism. Knowing yourself is the biggest superpower you have against your foe.
I agree!
💜♾🙏🏼🕉 indeed.. Conscious Awareness ~ Know Thyself Hugs & Kudos Tamara… Love ♾ Is All Namaste’ Tamela ~ )*
Thanks for the information about what triggers a narcissists. I’m aware of my narcissism, I’m forever on the defense and looking out for threats to my ego. It’s difficult to change, but I’m trying to let my guard down bit by bit.
Me and my family got in a HUGE fight with my narcissist brother this morning, it effects everyone so negatively. I almost called police twice, he is just so incredibly irrational there is no progress because like you mentioned it’s just instantaneous reaction to the point of him being so enraged he becomes potentially violent, and has become violent. Thank you for this video 🙏🏼
This is the real definition here. What I’ve been searching for. Narcissism is not the arrogant beauty loving person absorbed in themselves, but the “on-edgeness” of the person underneath, so easily triggered, so hypersensitive to attacks on them, so defensive that they are ready to instantly project and attack.
This explains why my ex would come unhinged picking ego battles with our oldest (then teenage) son. I though they were like two bucks in rut going at it banging antlers but blamed my husband as he was the adult and his picking ego battles was beyond and stretch of reasonable. I felt bad for our son and was speechless having no clue why it was happening. Now, ten years later, I finally know.
@4:08
"...Narcissistic people are forever vigilant for threat!"
*The threat of their "false" identity being exposed!
I truly adore you. These videos mean everything to me and I would say so many many others. Thank You So Much!
Very much agreed, thank you for saying this so well for us all! Dr. R. and this community are a Godsend!!! 💖💖💖
Dear Dr. Ramani,
I LOVE your videos!! I was married to a Covert Narcissist for 58 years and can identify with just about everything you describe!! Moreover, l love the way you describe things and find myself nodding my head in agreement with so much of what you say!! My husband died a year and a half ago and the sense of relief and freedom I feel of th makes me feel guilty!! I only discovered the word “Narcissist” about 35 years into the marriage and by the time I researched it and discovered what it really is, it was too late to walk away from the marriage. Especially knowing full well how vindictive he was, I was scared of what he would have done to punish me had I tried to leave!! I had hoped that he would have mellowed with age, but he only got worse and I have a recording of him screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs in a narcissistic rage just one week before he died!! The subject of this video rings very true - it is as though they are constantly on the defense at all times!! What a way to live!!
I am truly sorry for all your years of suffering. God bless you.♥️
Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear you went through all that abuse for all those days of your life.
May God reward you for all your suffering and give you happiness, peace and prosperity in the years you have left in your life on earth, may he give you many more years to enjoys on earth and most importantly may God give you a peaceful ending and peaceful eternal life.
Ameen
I'm getting so sick of dealing with their shit. Thank God for this channel. It keeps me from losing my mind
Ditto
They are very calculated. Every time I see the narcs in my life it reminds me of the old GPS saying “recalculating route” I’m not kidding, I just realized this and now I see it all the time. Instead of engaging in a reciprocal conversation there eyes shift and all I can see is “recalculating recalculating”
I remember a narc at a cookout and she would always stare at me then look away then stare again truly demonic
Their “stares” can look demonic. I’ve noticed that as well!
Can toxic people pick out other toxic people? It seems like they find each other to gang up on you.
They say energy attracts; but in the end it’s competition between them
Hostile environment is the trademark of narcs. They can’t stand good/sane humans.
Sad & scary ...
Oh my gosh. So true.
An extra minute to regulate begs the question: is the "regulation" in the direction of manipulation or consciousness.
Unfortunately a narcissist always process the information according to their convenience. They see from who the information is coming from and make decisions depending what benefits they can get. They see everything as the quick reward or sugar high.
Right and ignore the integrity of the truth of the situation, it is all about preserving whatever supports the ego.
For some reason, this exact video helped me get some healing. As unfair as what happened to me was, being constantly in defense of your ego so much so that you give completely unprocessed reactions to any sort of negativity whatsoever sounds like a really sad way to live. They’re already suffering, a lot, even if they’d never admit it.
This is how narcissists process information......Me me me me me me me me me me me me me and you better not forget about ME!
Spot on!
😂😂😂
Two narcissists in my family (not related) have similar working brains... they are extremely limited with visual imagination and they don't understand metaphors... their memories work by strings of memories shaped by how they describe the situations... They will repeat the same strings for years and always eliminating the contexts... It's like their brains work by narrow voice memories and facial expressions. They totally overlook the environment, the seasons, the background music, who was present... Both narcs construct a nicer brighter reality for themselves with story telling. Over the years they begin to actually believe in their own fantasies.
Yup, they make up stories in their own mind, then get angry about them. Its insane
Dr. Ramani I just want to say how greatful I am for you and the selfless work you are doing by making these videos and making this information accessible to the world.
These educational videos helped me save myself from a horribly abusive and narcissistic relationship which then gave me the lenses to see that the 14 year relationship I had with my best friend was also incredibly toxic and opened my eyes to my own struggles with codependency and people pleasing.
Without this information you provide I never would have realized the cycle of narcissism and never would have found the strength to set myself free and I cannot thank you enough for the work that you do.
It has been a painful journey to self worth but I finally have the strength to choose myself and I am forever greatful, I could not have done it without you.
Good for you! In addition to therapy, other helpful resources can be self-help groups like Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA), a 12-step program, for co-dependents/enablers (people like us narc survivors). CoDA has many different kinds of meeting formats including online and phone-in. It's great resource for those who can't afford professional therapy or want to augment therapy, with some additional program work. For me, my recovery from narc abuse will be a lifelong, daily practice. That's OK.
So true 👍. My husband has been making changes by doing this instead of impulsively reacting. He has BPD but many narcissistic traits. Its taken 8 years to get to this change in behaviour and he's been through unsuccessful counselling, and medication- finally I insisted we live in separate homes - this has altered the dynamics of our relationship and given him quiet time to reflect on his behaviours which he now acknowledges.
They are just trying not to feel their terrible pain. This is the first time I found narcissists relatable.
It could evoke sympathy if they didn't cause such destruction and abuse toward others though. But for many narcs, life can be grand for them and they will always find something to be miserable about and punish the weak people in their lives for it.
My almost ex husband had such a fragile ego that my comment about replacing an ornamental tree in the landscape bed, sent him completely over the edge.
My former partners step daddy once blew up at a burger King lady over her giving him an extra packet of ketchup and came home punched holes and ripped the door frame of the bathroom. But he told he can stay while I was told to keep the peace because his social security is enough to hid wife to stay as the boss as the person with the most control him. I had to pee in a bucket in my room everyday just so I didn't take up any time in the bathroom when he decided it was time for him to use. I realized they both treated me just like he did because well he's king and I will always be lower. Even when I made mistakes I was so confused and gaslight that nothing was anyone's doing but mine all the time. They require perfection even if they claim they don't. He also has stalked me visibly.
I am asked my opinion quite a lot. If it's positive, OK cool. Now if I
don't have total positivity towards a project, it's WWIII. So now I just
refuse to comment on anything. Or if I'm feeling a little snarky, I reply
with: "do you want the truth, or do I have to lie".
Same here. Told him "if I tell you the truth, you'll go into your Norma Desmond histrionics. If I lie to avoid the histrionics, I feel guilty. I'm in a no win situation, so I'm pleading the 5th".
I didn't know I had befriended a narcissist until this happened to me. It was such a minor incident that I didn't think anything of it, Basically, she wanted to drop something off at 6:00am. Come that morning she said she couldn't come at that time and asked if she could come between 7:30-8am. We said that wasn't a problem. Well, she decided she was gonna come earlier but never got confirmation from us. We missed her call because we were out having our coffee. We saw here voicemail when we got home around 7:20. My boyfriend texted to apologized(wasn't even his fault) for missing her call. No response from her. I texted to say that there was some miscommunication. Reminded her that she told us she was coming at 7:30-8. She never acknowledged her part in this thing. I have not heard from her since. This was two weeks ago. But I'm actually glad she hasn't contacted me, as I had my suspicions about her stories prior to this incident. Hopefully, I dodged the bullet with this one.
Yep the one I dropped after a month I found out he was in prison for something he never told me about so I asked if he had something he wasn’t telling me about that I looked him up. His immediate reaction was YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE??? That was his reaction ANYTIME I asked questions about him or didn’t like something he was doing and I’d just ask about it nicely. It’s like a little kid having a tantrum. We could never have an honest conversation. He started talking down to me after two weeks and I never heard one apology from him.
They're kind of funny... If you're not involved with them!!!
@@lulumoon6942 that’s what I always say!! ‘I’d laugh if it wasn’t my life!’
@@laurachurchill403 🤣 Humor saves our sanity, hang in there, Sis! 😊💖
I discovered in my search for understanding that these creatures are "stuck" EMOTIONALLY in their 2 year old phase, infantile they are, EMOTIONALLY; BUT, they are very cleaver at seeking out their targets WEAKNESSES and uses it against the target; they do ALOT of OBSERVING instead of ENGAGING, like they are studying people and learning manipulative ways to deceive and get their way.
Generally narcs are incapable of remorse, thats why you won't hear them offer a sincere apology.
I believe that an intelligent narcissist will manipulate any written test to their advantage. I think it’s wonderful that experts are developing other methods to determine narcissism.
Dear Dr.Ramani I wish you can read that. I left my ex husband last year after getting the information of narcissm from your channel. I deeply thank your for the content you bring out. I am so happy I could make it out of the marriage so early in my life