It’s not acting, never about acting. It’s about lying to yourself, you’re trying to impress to seek that addiction validation. People think narcissists get to the top? Hell no! They run all their relationships into the ground.
Empathy doesn't stop people from abusing others; and plenty of low-empathy people take satisfaction from treating people well. Good parenting doesn't raise kids that need a fallback position of empathy to decide against abusing others.
"you cannot teach a 30 year old how to be empathic" my jaw dropped because I just ended my relationship with a 30 year old because I was trying to teach him exactly that.
@Know Yourself Media Yeah but honestly.. No. They lack self awareness more times than not and that's necessary to be able to work through whatever it is you're trying to get them to work through. Nobody should dedicate their time/effort to this unless they're a professional who not only knows how to handle someone with NPD but isn't being affected by them personally. Bc chances are, you'd be giving them access to you in a way a professional isn't (obviously a therapist won't need you to empathize with them but someone you're dating/friends/family with would) and if they're hurting you with their lack of empathy, it just isn't worth it. Directing them to a professional is the smartest thing in my opinion.
So, one night, my husband and I were having a conversation at the dinner table about work stuff. I was crying because I was yelled at and embarrassed by my boss in front of my coworkers only because my boss did not want me to take my day off. I was really hurt because that day off was very important as I was supposed to take my son to his doctor’s appointment which I scheduled 3 months earlier. My 8-year old son saw me crying and kinda heard what’s going on. And then he came to hug me and said,” mom, don’t cry. Dad and I are always here for you. We love you.” That just blew my mind and at the same time really appreciate my son’s presence and love. The following night, he saw me crying in the living room again and then he said,” mom, if you think your boss is not treating you well, then go look for another job. “ And then he gave me a hug.
I thought it was more nurture than nature. Most narcissists I know were traumatized as children and always have at least one narcissistic parent. Really appreciate your content 🙏
I grew up in complete narcissistic family.I find this fascinating ,my mother created this competitive anxiety with all the siblings .She had all of us with ridiculous rivalry and bullying.She never showed any real love for her children, it was all about what we could do for her.She lacked any moral codes and encouraged us to basically to be dishonest.She was a shocker basically she never should have had children.She created this toxic legacy after she passed.
@@RavenStealstheNight OMG mine two siblings were doing the same squabbling over guardianship and items.You start to wonder if it is you are sane.Its very sad .
I literally always have said to my husband if it’s one thing I want for my kids was for them to be empathetic!! This was well before we even had kids. Now we have 2 under 2. I’m doing my best to ensure that they see me being empathetic. Simultaneously, I went them to see me being kind to myself by not tolerating disrespect and abuse. I don’t want them to learn from me that everyone else’s needs are more important than their own because that’s what I learned from my mother’s actions.
Dr Ramini really is an amazing individual. Highly intelligent and I just love listening to her. I am working in mental health and I have experienced it myself and without a doubt Dr Ramani has taught me so much. Very good at what she does
@@cascade00 I agree......and add I would bet that it is highly likely they are person that if entered an experiment they didnt know was an experiment with 5 other people who were in on it - a blue cup was put in front of them and everyone said it was red when asked the colour they too would say is red. "I know 100% I am not like that" 🙏
As a young adult who’s been diagnosed with NPD and is undergoing treatment, i do think we need more videos like this. The dehumanization on RUclips is really overwhelming and you can’t really find any good videos to help you with your disorder.
I'm really sorry that you haven't found very many sources for getting better that don't just end up making you feel worse :(. I wish you luck on your treatment. You've got this!
I worked so hard on empathy as well. It was my number one goal. The downfall was I was married to a narcissist who was more abusive than I could ever see for years. 2 out of 3 kids have come out empathetic, but one I worry about every day.
I wouldn’t worry about that one. I would worry about the impact on the other two. I would say your odds are pretty good. Two out three ain’t bad as the saying goes. There’s nothing you can do but protect the innocent.
Empathy, boundaries and taking responsibility for your actions. For me those are the major things lacking in the narcissists I've met. Love Dr Ramani, one of the best at explaining narcissists. Every video she does is informative and very helpful to those of us who have been damaged by narcissists.
Yeah, know 2 brother's. 67 and 69 of age. S is a malignant narcissist and D is just the opposite from his brother. S was severely abused on an emotional level, while in boarding school since the age of 6. Although they both grew up in the same home with the same parents. Both went to the same boarding school but had different outcomes. S was always a hypersensitive child which needs on an emotional level especially with his mom, was never met. He is emotionally hollow because his mother neglected him on this crucial level at a stage when he needed her the most. So sad to see how their condition just gets worse as they age.
My husband is the middle of three boys. Mother raised textbook birth order. So now husband has middle child syndrome, felt overlooked, lacked validation. So now he is resentful and has taken it out on me. It’s a no -win situation for me. He plays the victim with everyone against him. Never apologizes , no empathy.
That's what happened in my mom's family. Her 3 older sisters are normal but she has displayed narcissistic behaviors & patterns over the years. I always thoughtbit was because she was the baby of the family so she got away with alot of crap that her 2 oldest sisters got flack for doing the same things. Narcissism needs to be put into the DSM-V so society van see how big an issue this is in the world
I was raised by such good parents and they always put kindness, respect, empathy and compassion at the forefront and I do the same with my kids. If you try your best that’s what matters. I want my kids to become kind adults more than anything.
Kind adults are good, but healthy, strong/independent/know who they are, are better. I grew up in a decent house hold, by a great single mother. She taught me how to be empathetic and kind to others. Which I saw as a positive. And it is, in moderation. HOWEVER, this empathy and kindness did not prepare me for when I met a sociopath. I felt BAD for the sociopath and stayed with the abuse. I gave said sociopath all my empathy, kindness, time, etc, because "It's always good to be kind", "turn the other cheek", "always help others and be there for them" "everyone deserves a second chance" etc, etc. Empathy/kindness is good, but it is never good to be TOO kind. I stayed when actually I should have left that relationship. I didn't leave it because childhood/society taught me I had always to put up with it and stay because "partners are family" Now I've learned, and I'm not as kind anymore. I actually strive to be more like one family member. They are really kind and nice, but they have healthy boundaries, and don't let people walk all over them.
@@specialtwice4975 Be kind but be selective kind. I went through the same situation but I'm still kind and now I can see the red flag and know when to call that person out loud and tell them that it's not cool to take advantage of my kindness. I have a rule breaker in every relationship now, be it my family members or friends.
I am so glad you educated us that all teenagers are narcissistic and self entitled ..I won’t lie I’ve been seriously concerned about my teenager, until you said they’re like this with their parents but not with friends. You have really Settled something inside of me haha Empathy really is everything ❤️
Agreed Empathy is number 1. Because kindness is what bonds us as humans and the only thing that can make a lasting change on the world. I am a teacher with no children of my own. Not by choice however I try to instill learning kindness for them. I had a similar saying for them "If I teach you nothing at all I will teach you kindness."
The single best quality in any person is empathy. They are worth more then their weight in gold. Best partners, best parents, best coworkers, best team players, best leaders
Empathy can only go so far being empathetic towards victims of gun violence does nothing to help society only when you take the action to make sure nothing like that happens ever again is the best option
I don't think I was capable of empathy at any age. My mom tried to convince me to feel how others felt and I never would, simply because I knew that they're not me.
I rearranged my whole life and went through hell just so that I can give my kids, me. Thank you Dr. Ramani, last year, I finally saw the light in my narcissistic family system and got myself and my kids out of an emotionally invalidating situation.
Empathy can place you in positions you can't escape because your more worried about someone else's feeling over your own. That's how some narcissist trap you. Had to learn to control my empathic nature due to emotional pitfalls.
Empathy does not mean that you put other's feelings over your own. It means you can understand and relate to other's feelings. You still decide what to do with the information.
One thing Dr. Ramini misses is that narcissists are looking for a parent/Life Coach in their relationships. Narcs need someone to direct them and help them make adult life and business choices. Narcissists take advantage of these spouses, friends and more to get ahead. Narcs are all about using whomever they can for their own gain.
!! My mom used to say (verbatim!) “I can’t help you because I don’t know” all the time. When I was getting an apartment, buying a car, getting a job, cooking, etc. - all things she had done multiple times. I’m so glad I had access to the internet and libraries and could learn myself and stop the cycle. Thank you for pointing this out!
I disagree. She does discuss this because I find I have to take the place of the parents all the time with the narcissist. When Dr. R addressed it I sat right up and said EXACTLY. it's towards the end.
When I was younger, I asked my ex what was the one thing he looked for in a partner and he said, "competence". It's made me realize people get married for a wide variety of reasons and some matches such as ours were completely toxic. Growing as a person means forgiving yourself for what you didn't know when you didn't know it. Lesson learned! These days I look for humility along with emotional intelligence 100%.
Growing up in a largely Narcissistic neighborhood, i saw how Narcissistic parents made their kids just as Narcissistic. These parents are the typical nosy, entitled, envious, manipulative, foul mouthed and sometimes ruthless people who is also deathly obsessed with either politics or religious activities or both. They "ostracized" and covert/passive aggressively harassed everyone who doesn't agree with their point of view (i.e my family and a couple of others who then chose not to mingle much with them unless necessary). And in this southeast asian country, i think the Narcissists here looooove to be in in a large group of like-minded people, that's how they managed to overwrite their Insecurities, by hiding in numbers. They have us vs them mentality - "If everyone thinks this way, then I am correct, everyone who is not one of us is wrong". Collective/tribal narcissism. Only a couple of kids from this sort of Narcissistic families didn't agree to such behaviour and one even expressed how she doesn't like her mum and prefers to talk to my mother. We were never a perfect family, we had our own shortcomings too but thankfully my late dad and my mum always been showing us how to be empathetic, not to crave people's approval and provide a safe space for us to express ourselves.
Dr Ramani is one of those people that makes this a better world! I grew up with a narcissistic father and was emotionally neglected and struggle with empathy. I always try to be more mindful about other people and I look up to my sister who is pretty empathic and I don't know how she got that in the house we grew up!
My husband and I decided our number 1 thing to teach our kids is happiness and to show them empathy and compassion. We teach by modeling the behavior and that is one thing I can be proud of. All 3 of my kids are so compassionate and sometimes empathetic to a fault where they "feel" others pain and heart ache so that is one thing that really does cause issues with empathizing.
Amazing parenting, and I absolutely agree that empathy is one of the major factors everyone should understand, if there was a little more empathy in the world would there be wars and conflict.
I am the most empathetic person I know but I am also the person who has been exploited emotionally, had to sacrifice after understanding how to help others. I am also the one person who is mostly left hurt, alone and left with s feeling that no one who understand your empathetic levels.
I have covert narcissist tendencies, it took me years to realize it and I’m terrified of unknowingly emotionally damaging my child. I see a lot of advice about how to heal wounds made from a narcissist and how bad they are. But what about a narcissist that wants to change? How can we heal that deep wound ourselves? Thanks in advance for any guidance.
From my understanding there's therapist that are trained in this field that could help. To make changes it takes effort and huge desire to push through ❤🙏
Go to therapy. Dr Ramani and dr Les Carter, for example, they are really good expert psychologists that could help you. You can read books and watch videos too, but because narcissist often lack self-awareness, it's important to have another person to point out things that have to change. One of the main healing tools is to REPARENT YOURSELF. Narcissists were emotionally neglected, therefore they may act in an emotionally immature way. Besides, that constant need for outside valuation comes from the core would: they were not properly loved by their parents and they still long for the unconditional love of a mother/father. That makes them so insecure and vulnerable too. Therefore, they have to learn to become self-reliant. How to sooth themselves and how to give the validation to themselves and not to be so dependent on others telling them they are good, encouraging them... So, therapy, and books for example: John Bradshaw: Homecoming. Reclaiming and championing your inner child. Joseph Burgo: The narcissist you know. Lindsay C. Gibson: Adult children of emotionally immature parents. Here, I would like to emphasize, what Susan Forward PhD. Pointed out in her book: Mothers who can't love: A healing guide to daughters: that very probably, those mothers/ fathers weren't loved properly either. They are damaged too. Therefore, they really couldn't give what they didn't experienced either. Maybe some people can be empathic even though their parents were not: if they had an empathic grandparent, neighbor, caretaker, teacher at preschool etc. If someone works on themselves surely they can learn and grow a lot too. But it's very painful and humiliating owning up one's faults, so it takes a lot of determination and the willingness to go through all that pain. But if you can, you achieve a really big thing: breaking the generational cycle of narcissism.
@@june.w.1288 @Zsanett Bárány Thanks for this comment.When I heard about this term narcissist from my step elder sis (as she has been taking therapy from about 5to7 years) and then I watched few videos 3 years back ;then I stopped watching cause somewhere they were disturbing me due to my sister telling me about our problematic family dynamics.I took out some conclusions in my mind due to the possible cause of my parents behaviour and only that relieved me and I paused digging further on the issue.Major of it is well written by you here .Felt good to read this comment as it resonates a lot with my analysis.Thankyou
@@june.w.1288 Thank you so much for your insightful answer, I can see you understand that these symptoms come from deep wounds. I’ll work towards changing for the better. Wish you the best in your journey!
That doesn’t seem like a paragraph a narcissist could write. From what I understand, narcissists don’t seek treatment. Their egos just cannot fathom they have a need for it. Also, you express a a fear of damaging your children, which is coming from a place of empathy.
Thank you Dr Ramani. I can breathe a huge sigh of relief for my own children. I seem to have this innate ability of empathy - even with the really bad childhood I had (I have 7 ACE's) empathy is one of those things that I've always had and maybe my upbringing taught me how I didn't want to be. My 4 children have always had this empathy as well and it has been nurtured. My eldest was there for her friends when things happened, right down to my youngest who is ASD but has that innate empathy built in. She hates seeing anyone being hurt, including people who hurt her (bullies) so I am glad that narcissism will not be in my children's personality. 0-11, the foundation years right? My youngest is 11 and my eldest is 21 this week. My middle two are still in their teen years and I so get the teenage years being difficult.
Empathy is important, no doubt. But in my opinion, empathy shouldn't be taught exclusively or you'll raise a doormat---a person rife for abuse by a narcissist or other abuser type who knows how to play them. Teach kids empathy yes, but also teach them to trust their gut and pay attention to pathological behavior in others. Kids need to know that acting on empathy doesn't mean people-pleasing. Can you respond to this?
Well, Dr. Ramani is an expert on narcissism. Surely she teaches her children about narcissism too. Teaching kids to maintain healthy boundaries, and respect themselves, not to subordinate themselves in relationships, aim for relationships were they are partners, equals, - these would help a lot too to avoid toxic relationships.
I'm sure she didn't mean exclusively. Boundaries are just as important to learn. I'm an empath and picking up on others emotions doesn't always mean your just getting the emotions that make you feel sorry for them. Unless somehow your choosing to ignore the other feelings coming from the person. Liked you said trusting your gut because you're feeling somethings off. Feeling empathically, means for many of us that your feeling, literally, what the other person is feeling as if those emotions are your own. But most people who aren't empaths can sense others emotions but they don't internalize them. Choosing to feel those moments where the other person is being dishonest (a feeling people will attempt to put a wall Infront of) really will help in knowing when something isn't right here. Drawing boundaries and choosing to "step away" from a situation before getting "sucked in" and then do some self inquiry. Take the emotion out of the situation for a bit and look at it from another perspective can help.
The doctor is speaking broadly. She’s not speaking about each individual situation. Also, Demanding that she respond to your opinion sounds narcissistic
Surely NPD has to be something that some people are more prone to having it based on personality traits or brain chemistry. But the rest comes in with nurture. But some people are more likely to become narcissistic. Because empathy tend to have childhoods similar to someone with NPD but instead of growing up to hurt others, they grow up to become empathic people.
Keep in mind there’s a lot of people with NPD that are undiagnosed because they rarely ever go to therapy and see someone because rarely does their behavior effect them, it mainly effects their victims.
Oh Dr Ramani I actually burst into tears when you shared about what you and your (lovely) ex-husband agreed to do - to teach and nurture empathy above all else. It’s what I always thought too. I really needed this affirmation. Thank you.
It's refreshing to hear personal insight from Dr. Ramani. I sometimes wonder if I did things to ruin my daughters, but they are really good girls all the same.
Dr. Ramani, You are awesome. Yes, I am proud to say that I gave importance to empathy only. When my older daughter 6 years and I had another 2 year toddler, I was so stressed and shouted to her and after 10 minutes, she came to me and asked " mom, are you ok, is it your head hurting or something else'. after that I cried more and after 24 years still I remember that incident.
Dr. Ramani- Thank you so much for sharing this message that the most important thing in raising children, is to teach them empathy. I completely agree. When I was raising my son, I always said that the most important thing to me was to raise a son with a good heart. Great, informative video, as always. I'm always astounded by your level of knowledge and expertise. Thank you!
My priority in rasing my daughter is empathy as well. She is almost 6. My moment of 'yep, I succeeded' was when she was 3. I was cold, she brought me blanket. My heart melted... She was in kindergarten since 1yo, as soon as she was with other kids, she learned empathy is important.
Being raised as an empathetic child and having this quality reenforced as an adult, can be good to a point. Because most people are not being educated about narcissistic people -- the empathetic person can often become the narcissist person's target or victim.
"Who needs kindness when you can code?" -- a direct quote from both this video and my ex. What is with so many tech bros not having any empathy? Of course it's not all, but it does seem to be a high proportion. I think narcissists can be drawn to the control and lack of emotional vulnerability in coding so it tends to attract a lot of especially men who literally don't know what empathy even is. I literally explained it to my ex. Granted, he was from another country but yeah, after a decade here he had no idea what I was talking about and I think that was about more than a gap in his vocabulary.
Thank you for reiterating many thoughts I've been digesting over the years, it has validated my feelings and made me see some things with new eyes. The relationships which have tested me often drained me of my own value, it has often taken a great deal of my energy. This is a work in progress, you are definitely a help! Gratefully, Lisa
This completely makes sense to me. I got my empathy from my mom. Shes been attentive to me my entire life and never rejected my emotions. Never forced me to be competitive even though she always wished I had gotten into sports more lol but because of her empathy for me I learned how to feel that towards everyone I meet. I don't brush off anyone's feelings and it's probably why I'm very interested in psychology. I want to be able to better understand people with npd and not be afraid or angry towards someone so the opposite of me.
This was so good! Empathy has been what I've always told my husband our 3 children needed and needed the most...my 2 sons, daughter all 3 of them are very sensitive and very empathetic ❤ Thank you for these videos
Dear MedCircle, please always pay Dr Ramani on time and well. Don’t take her for granted just cuz she’s been coming back to you guys for a long time. I cant express how helpful her advices are. I broke up with my girl friend of 2 years so she won’t ruin the rest of my life, only thanks to Ramani’s advice
This actually keeps me up at night! My ex was diagnosed with NPD and I had a REALLY hard time bonding with our child when she was first born and now that she is 8 I am SO worried she'll end up like her dad. Her dad and I have split and I finally bonded with my child but I'm so worried it wasn't done in time. She goes to a therapeutic day school and was diagnosed with high functioning autism, and I was asked what was the one thing I worry about with her, and I said her lack of empathy, I see it in her ALL the time, just like her dad! I try to teach to her and show her what it means to have empathy, and take each and every teachable moment that comes along, but I'm scared it may be too late for her! What can I do to change the path that my child is heading towards?!? She already gets counselling through her school and is also set up with a therapist outside of school but my daughter refuses to engage with her outside therapist. What can I do to help my child?!?
You could look into different types of therapy that she might engage with more, like art therapy/music therapy/dance/drama, sensory rooms etc. People with autism sometimes respond better to these types of therapy because it's easier for them to engage when they're using different parts of their brain to do art/play for example. You could also look into emotional literacy sessions (maybe her school provides them?) which help children understand and express their emotions better, which helps communication and relationship building. Just some ideas, hope that's helpful. Sometimes you need a bit of trial and error to see what works well 😌
@@tigs6639 those are some really great tips and ideas for me to look into!! i know that her school actually has her already involved in most of your suggestions, but you still gave me some other great ideas to look into. just wanted to say thanks for reaching out and offering me some advice, her diagnoses are still VERY new to us and i'm just sort of left in the dark to try to figure it out on my own, so your comment was very helpful!!
Pray for her. Find a church home/family with a pastor willing to help you both. Attend Sunday school and church. Maybe enroll her in a church school; many give scholarships. Separate her from as many problem children as possible. Read appropriate Bible stories to or with her. Re-enforce lessons in Proverbs and Psalms, etc.. So, why am I at this site seeking info/answers? I am seeking knowledge in, for Me, unknown territory and praying for God to help our family out of, what I see as, a very harmful situation. This tale of woe would contain enough twists and turns for a TV serial on narcissism. Until this experience, we didn't really know the meaning of narcissism or even use the term, in any form, in our everyday language or discussions. All have degrees from major universities and one has an advanced degree from a major university...talking about three naive, gullible adults. That's us! Or maybe just a little dumber than our tormentor who we are beginning to believe might not have attended or completed high school
You can also learn to be empathic by being in a VERY unempathetic environment...or if your caregiver wants you to be empathetic all the time...its not just learning through mirroring all the time
This! Thus is how I became extremely empathic to almost a psychic level. I was gaging my parents’ emotional state constantly trying to decide which one was the least likely to go off on me. The WORST was when they would go off on me at the same time.
I think its unfair on parents to say no one would say they want their kid to have empathy. I dont have a kid, but if i did all i would care about is that my child was kind and compassionate to others, and made the world a better place. I think theres a good difference to highlight between empathy and compassion. Constant empathy is not healthy, empathy requires you to be in touch with the pain inside of you to relate to others and it can over run into unboundaried feelings of taking on other peoples emotions which ultimately only they are responsible for. Whereas compassion is the ability to recognise someone is hurting and an additional desire to help. I think its important to teach boundaries to kids. my mum had quite bad OCD in a troubled marriage and they argued a lot and her compulsions were to clean so much. I felt her feelings i felt her anxiety, i used to feel i had to help, and i would clean, i felt she needed me to be the best best girl or i would upset her even though she was very loving and never ever told me off, though i felt i had to make sure she was okay. Then i grew to be a people pleaser ended up in codependent relationships, feel like i had to fix everyone. Ive learned to turn that off now luckily! Just another side of the coin. Dr Ramani sounds like she raised amazing children x
A big point of difference between me and my narc husband...he was completely focused on whether the children got good grades. I, however, always maintained the view that no one would care about grades in 10 years. But I was happy that they always got top marks in citizenship... something that would serve them well beyond their school years.
Empathy as an empath, is something that many kids are born with and it needs to be nurtured. But it's discouraged. To some degree all kids can sense emotions. I thought you could teach empathy, but for certain people, and it could be because of walls they've put up, they cannot pick up on someone else's emotions. There's empathy and empathy so they CANNOT actually feel someone else's emotions. Empathy, as in being able to relate to someone's pain or sadness, to where it triggers that same feeling withen them for example, can be taught. Many times you can bring someone to a place in their lives where they were in a similar situation and then connect them with that emotion so they can relate. Start there. Unfortunately some people even need to learn how to identify their emotions to start with. I've noticed how Narcissists intellectualize vs empathize. For some it's walls they've put up for so long they cannot access emotions and they have a long standing habit of living this way. With others I believe it's possibly a chemical imbalance. I've noticed in these cases a family history of violence or an inability to feel. With the right upbringing usually this can be dealt with at a young age before it progresses into full blown narcissism.
I need my parents. To me it is nice as I used to spend a lot of time away traveling the world singing so never saw them for years. Now I am closer to them but it feels more like we are friends. Especially my mom and I love talking about your programs and chatting about all the things we have learnt. Maybe I also chat more to my mom because she is blind and depend on communication and learning and experiencing the world through her children and i'm the most talkative but also a bit anxious when i don't talk to my mom a few times a day. It's great to have someone to reflect on and she likes venting and inspiring me to be proactive
The single most important thing for me, is to make sure my son has empathy. I’ve been doping the exact same thing when breastfeeding and everything else. Really Bering available at all times.. - he was a high need baby, and everybody kept telling me to let others take him, so I could go and do me… but he really needed me, and his temper (having been bathed in cortisol in all of my pregnancy, due to narcissistic abuse) I was so scared not to get it absolutely right (as Rhamani says, one only gets one chance, and It has to be right.!) Even though I’m Danish and we have “good” maternity leave, 9 moths, it is still not enough.. we still send our babies til daycare when they are only 10-12 months old.. our children, our future, empathy in general should be prioritised. Instead empathy is in dangered.. 😰
This is the first time I've commented on RUclips & I watch MedCircle & Dr Ramani daily... But I HAD to comment on this. I'm actually crying from the relief I felt hearing Dr Ramani talk about raising her kids with empathy. I struggle with my mental health & I worry the impact it has on my children. I am only starting to realise & heal from what I now understand was a Narcissistic abusive relationship (and being raised by suspected Narc parents) and most days I struggle that Im a bad Mum. I've been made fun of, put down, verbally abused, threatened (you know the deal lol) by so many people for teaching my daughter's empathy. My 3 year old is a beautiful soul & even at such a young age she understands what empathy is & she shows empathy but also has great boundaries. I'm going to make a conscious effort to look at my 6 month old when feeding her - good tip Dr Ramani 🥰
What's really odd to me is, my mother and brother are both completely lacking empathy and not only do they both INSIST they are "very" emphatic, they get angry when you tell them they are not and can't grasp their own lack of empathy. I assume they "know" it's an important character trait and don't want to admit that they are lacking it; it would be funny if it wasn't so painful how oblivious they are to what it even means. One example, my brother went to Mexico and apparently talked to some spiritual woman about ME - I have no idea what he said to her, but he informed me after that she told him I "needed empathy". Guess how he interpreted that, and took as fact? He interpreted it that a complete stranger who had never met me, was able to judge my level of empathy and conclude I was the one lacking it, rather than that I needed someone to BE empathic toward me. I suppose it's possible that a stranger might believe my brother's projections were the truth and conclude that I might be the one lacking empathy, but I don't think that was what she was trying to tell him, at all, even though I have no idea what he said to her. Even his ex wife labelled him "Mr Projector" when they were married and accused him of having no empathy. It's a real mind-warp with these people and the way they automatically dump their defects onto you as if it was gospel and then convince themselves and others it is gospel. Another thing that I don't understand is how I ended up with empathy, in a family that completely lacks it. It's not just my mom and brother, my dad is also not empathic. I know I am because even as young as 4, I was able to express that my mother hurt my feelings (she used that as an opportunity to cajole and tease me, she's quite sadistic) and when I was 7 or 8, I stood up to some other kids who were throwing rocks at gophers and asked them how they would feel if they were a small gopher being attacked. I really freaked out on those kids, I remember it pretty well. Of course now, as an adult, I realize not all people see gophers as critters worth empathizing with, but at the time I could not understand how anyone could find hurting an animal, funny or fun. So how did I end up with feelings in a family who seemed to have none, and worse, saw feelings as something to ridicule or taunt in some sort of sick power-play where the adult always "wins"? Or something you can use to control someone with?
This is such an interesting post, thank you for sharing. I love watching both of your channels, you’ve helped me help myself, take responsibility for my emotions and respond over react. Take care.
I would love to hear more from Doctor Ramani about fostering empathy in children. I am not a parent but I am a prominent figure in the lives of several children. With the increase in how narcissistic behavior is rewarded on social media and other places, how can I model empathy in a way that will inoculate them against the influence of pervasive models of selfishness and disregard? Additionally, how do you balance encouraging empathy with the need to maintain healthy boundaries and autonomy? After growing up with a narcissist parent, even I haven't mastered this balance. I have no idea where to start with modeling it!
Empathy is important, but it doesn't put food on the table. You've also only got one shot at fostering conscientious, responsibility, rational thinking, self-reliance, self-discipline, etc.
i just watched another video abt narcissism, most narcissists actually are underdeveloped in parts of the brain that have to do with safety and empathy and literally cannot feel empathy because their development was stunted at an early age
I hope you are right. I pray to God you are right. My 6 year old daughter is coping with her parents divorce and leans towards her narcissistic mother. I am patient, loving, and nurturing to the best of my ability and teach her lessons in empathy and how to manage her emotions. Oddly, her mother may be also teaching her lessons on the same topics. However, my daughter seems to enjoy the pain of others since she was a toddler. Because she favors her mom, perhaps she mimics her behavior but I feel that my daughter can’t comprehend empathy or perhaps doesn’t see empathy as a favorable thing to have and I just don’t see that it’s because of her mother or myself for that matter. She’s still so young and I won’t give up, but I’m really struggling with this.
It's always been clear to me that Dr. Ramani has a good heart and is very bright. But, because she does do "the superficial world" so very well, I had a (tiny)bit of a prejudice. That took a hit here. Expressing that empathy is either learned very early or not at all, and then state that empathy was the NUMBER ONE thing she felt obliged to "teach" her children; this was a reminder to pay closer attention to what she is saying (even if it's fun and very stimulating to take her in on a more superficial level)
Empathy.. kindness.. others before themselves.. this is how I raised my children.. why am I watching this trying to figure out my 23 yr old middle child?
This validates my own conclusion about what matters most to me in the entire world, which is how people treat each other. Now I can be even more specific by putting the word "empathy" in, I didn't know that's what I was looking for because I was under the impression that empathy was sometimes undesirable, like an invasion of privacy, but it's all about putting yourself in the other person's shoes, so that makes sense. Thank you again! I'm so relieved that the way I think is good, and not a la-la land fairy tale for losers.
Hello. I certainly understand teaching empathy to your children as a priority. It is nearly impossible to teach once they are older. However, how did you temper this with being vulnerable to narcs? I would love to hear your feedback on this. Cheers!
also what im wondering -- while i agree empathy is a priority i would worry that narcissists will exploit their sensitive nature which could be even worse
I felt the same way with empathy! When my son was very little we would pray talk drive to school and each day he had an assignment at school to see 👀 who was down sad and needed a smile. I would ask him to see who was down to learn empathy and then I would ask him what he did to act on that empathy to help them smile so he could learn compassion to act on it. That was a regular thing throughout his childhood. That was one practice we did and then talked about together after school
My son is now 16 and one of the wisest God fearing loving compassionate forgiving teens you have ever met. He holds to high boundaries and can blend with all kinds of personalities and stay true to himself and his identity. Empathy and compassion training should be a class in school these days
That's nice and a big relief!! My daughter once was on a bike ride when she was 3 years old and we passed by a construction site and she told me.. o my god mummy, the poor rock they are hurting it a lot. why!? so bad that I had to sit down with her to explain coz she wanted to cry.. it was a bit too sensitive.. but I thought it was nice but too much! on the other hand, I had to teach her to feel the right of certain things, coz in those terms I think she had mirrored me a little. never feeling deserving unworthy. once we talked about her relationships and I told her, that we needed to explore what is what I did coz she got it from me for sure. We needed to figure it out coz I didn't want her to feel that way ever nor feel manipulated as I have had... she was shocked but she has been willing to help us fix her issues I'm happy coz she is the 20s so it means she will be happier than me, with fewer struggles by her 40s...
I'd say empathy, intelligence, communication skills and healthy habits (explaining to the child why it's a good idea to brush their teeths for exemple)
My mother is narcissistic she doesn't have that much empathy, however I learned empathy by whatching Barbie all my childhood 😂 she was a great kind empathic and brave, a great role model, I was a very introverted kid (still am) and honestly movies and playing with my toys or pets were my company,
A question for Dr Ramani- while raising your kids were you ever worried about them becoming too empathetic and therefore prey for narc abuse? I think you’ll understand why I ask this. So many of us survivors of narc abuse are overly empathic and narcs love to drain the beauty and life from us bc of our strong ability for showing empathy.
I've read that children and adolescents aren't fully capable of true empathy, as the part of the brain that deals with empathy, the anterior insular cortex, isn't fully developed and that the whole brain isn't fully developed until we're in our late 20s (apparently earlier for females). Is this correct? 🧠 🧐
dehumanizing. that's my childhood in a nutshell. my parents were young, ignorant, and survivors themselves of horrific childhoods. my mother thought we were little dolls she could dress and hair-style however she pleased without reference to our preferences. my preferences were ignored at best and punished at worst. i was under-indulged and over-ignored and over-punished...often punished for things my sister did or for reacting to things my sister did. my narcissist sister is the one who was both over- and under-indulged--hence, the nurture...but i think she also was genetically geared toward narcissism because she hated me with a seething passion the minute my parents brought me home from the hospital, before they even had a chance to "love" me at her "expense" in her presence.
Yes, people can, at least, cognitive empathy. Maybe there is no complete healing, but still people who try to better themselves can make a big difference! It's always worth trying!
Empathy is not learned, it is the natural primal condition of every human being. It is easy to keep a child on that path despite their healthy pushing and exploring of boundaries. It takes a lot of consistent abuse to beat the empathy out of us.
Thank you for this. I said to another mum today who spoke greatly on my oldest, as long as they are with everyone else that's what matters. I'm worried about my youngest at the moment but you remind me all kids somewhat are. As long as they are well with others. As I said to this mum, they ain't so great at home because home is "safe", home they can be whatever, but in public they behave
“You cannot teach a 30-year old to be empathic.” Not true doc. You can’t FORCE anyone to be empathic. But you CAN teach people empathy who want to learn it. I know her message is critical for people in narcissistic relationships. Extricating yourself has got to become your highest priority. Believing you can change the narcissist in your life is only going to prolong your suffering. So the overwhelming majority of her messaging is designed to get that point across, and she’s very wisely extremely hesitant to add any grey to an already precarious situation. But there are so many narcissists. And the internet seems to be causing the percentage of people with narcissistic traits and outright NPD to be on the rise. Even worse, as she alludes to here, narcissism is rewarded in our short-term thinking, quarterly-earnings obsessed world. Narcissists get promoted into leadership positions in business and, increasingly, politics too. Is there any doubt that Tucker Carlson, Brett Kavanaugh, Kyrsten Sinema, Tom Cruise, Steve Bannon, Marjorie Taylor-Green, Elon Musk, and Donald Trump, among so many others, are malignant narcissists? This phenomenon may even be driving the downward spiral of our democracy. Certainly, the concept of democracy is itself incompatible with narcissistic sensibilities since it requires equality - everyone is supposed to have one vote - equal power - and that’s not how the narcissist sees the world. With so many narcissists, we need tools to effectively treat narcissism. As huge a task as it is “merely” to free individuals from toxic relationships with narcissists, we have a much bigger challenge, freeing society from the control of narcissism itself. So these professionals need better answers than “nothing can be done.”
Such a relief to hear this because without realizing it I know I raised my son to have empathy. The sad thing is he tends to attract narcissistic women. Makes me really sad too as I’m a sensitive empath currently trying to figure out how to get out of a 23 year relationship with a narcissist as I’m codependent + trauma bonded :(
A good basis to leave unhealthy relationships. By encouraging empathy and not modeling good boundaries he is still in that dynamic. If one has a narcissistic parent teaching empathy is counterproductive. It could set them up for years of abuse.
@@brigitte9999 He is a compassionate kind person. I raised him as a single mom and am just learning to have boundaries myself. He definitely is a lot stronger than I ever was and seems to have good boundaries. Just his last girlfriend seemed to have controlling issues so he did break up with her which I'm happy about. I left his father because he was a narcissist in hopes he wouldn't become like that...
@Natalie it's all so frustrating seems the world is divided between good people and narcissists...anyway it's made us both realize we can function on our own and don't have to be in any damn relationships lol
Very valuable information. How do you show Empathy for a narcissist in your life? I get angry and sometimes lash out. I never feel good about myself afterwards. It’s like I can’t win for loosing. Thank you, I’m glad I listened.
I like to watch the channel of dr Les Carter about narcissism (anddr Ramani too). But dr Carter always emphasizes: civility, respect, decency - I always think about that I want to be a decent person, someone who is calm, and don't behave in a way that he/she should be ashamed of him/herself later on. Lashing out also might happens because you keep it in yourself for sooo long. You endure and endure and endure forever, and then you crack. The problem is, narcissists often try to trigger people. Try to make them angry. Because then, they will be able to use that episode as a manipulation tool: See, you acted so out of proportion then... So they can force you to endure more. Dr Les Carter Nd dr Ramani also teach how to gray rock narcissists. Don't react, don't engage. If you get emotionally involved, they can manipulate you. You should keep distance and try to not react to triggering. For example, I have a family member who has narcistic tendencies. He ruins every Sunday and holidays, etc. On a Sunday, for example, he really tries to find cause to be angry with someone. To unload his anger on someone. Nothing is right. Learning about narcissism, I learned that I don't have to take his criticism on myself on those days. Because he would criticize everything I do and shout at me. But now I know it's not because I am an idiot who can't do anything right. I know it's just because he is in a terrible mood and he wants to unload his frustration on someone. Knowing this in myself helps me to stay calm and not to break down, because if I show weakness, he would just be even more mean to me and more controlling. My inner knowledge helps me to stay sane and calm. Of you can, leave the narcissist and let professional therapists help them. It's not your responsibility. Often people who have a strong urge to help people, rescue people, are narcissist magnets. But you cannot save them. They have to learn to grow up, to become an adult, and if you always help them, they don't need to try to grow up. Give them a book, for example John Bradshaw Homecoming. Reclaiming and championing your inner child. Advise them to therapy. But let them do the rest. They have to heal themselves, noone can do it instead of them.
Thank you, Zsanett, reading your message makes me cry. This last separation has been the calmest I’ve ever been., I sent him a video about narcissism and explained that I needed to stop this insanity for myself. It’s gone on too long. just over 5?years. He is going to be 62 yrs old and I’m turning 70 this April. I said that I felt sorry for him.but it’s not my responsibility. I told him I need to take care of my emotional well-being as we all should do. I am trying my best to fight for myself. I want to be happy. None of my friends or family want me to continue this relationship. He cheats and lies, and it never stops. I think my father was a narcissist and my mother so emotionally abused from her narcissistic mother damaged her too. It’s taken me a long time realize why I had so much anger built up and became depressed. Mine is not a unusual story, I’ve heard so many on RUclips, and it’s so sad. I have a new mantra that I got from watching a RUclips channel last night that I will share with you. I say it as often as I can. “I don’t chase, I attract. Everything abundant, loving, joyous and peaceful that is for me, will simply find me.” Thank you sharing your story and for your support. Bless you! 💕
@@laureenwilkinson7091 I am so sorry you had to go through all this. Yes, you can't save him. He cheated and he would do it again. He lied and he would do it again. Perhaps if he is no longer forgiven he will be forced to take responsibility for his behaviour. So sometimes it's better if you leave him on his own. Once I was in a very abusive relationship and a priest said to me, that if I let him beat me and endure all this abuse, I enforce his belief that his behaviour is alle right and he is entitled to dow these things. So if I love him, I should break up with him. I felt this is so true and did as advised. Unfortunately, what I heard later on, he didn't change for the better. But that was his fault. The opportunity was there. You are surely a very nice person and want to save everyone. But now, you should save yourself and your family. This is my mantra: you deserve to be happy. you deserve to be treated with respect and civility and compassion. You should take good care of yourself too 💙
My upbringing was a combo of being praised like no other and getting everything I want and feeling 0 love from my own mother. She's a narc and I am 35 now and my eyes are opening. I am going to end this cycle. I have no children yet but in no way am I exposing anybody anymore.
No wonder so many people are narcissists now. Parents working outside the home and unemotionally attached caregivers raising children, parents consumed by social media…
If a person is in their mid-50s, can narcissism be reversed or treated? Would you recommend to stay away from that person or would you recommend to stay with that person?
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Watch dozens of videos with Dr. Ramani on narcissism (free for 7 days) HERE: bit.ly/3stt4V1
Damn I'm in love with Dr ramani lol she's so hot
It’s not acting, never about acting. It’s about lying to yourself, you’re trying to impress to seek that addiction validation. People think narcissists get to the top? Hell no! They run all their relationships into the ground.
@@ThatGmoney but she correctly mentioned in full version that often they’re successful in business. So it depends on one’s values system.
Empathy is everything ! If someone doesn’t have empathy it is as if you are dealing with someone who is inhumane.
Empathy doesn't stop people from abusing others; and plenty of low-empathy people take satisfaction from treating people well. Good parenting doesn't raise kids that need a fallback position of empathy to decide against abusing others.
"you cannot teach a 30 year old how to be empathic" my jaw dropped because I just ended my relationship with a 30 year old because I was trying to teach him exactly that.
God knows I have done something like that as well.
3 of my kiddos are EMPATHIC my grandaughter is but the rest idk. So I sont deal with them.
I've been trying the same futile thing. I suffered so much from dealing with her neglect and abuse, I wish I had watched these videos years ago
A lot of it comes from the person realizing they're lacking and deciding to take steps to correct it.
@Know Yourself Media Yeah but honestly.. No. They lack self awareness more times than not and that's necessary to be able to work through whatever it is you're trying to get them to work through. Nobody should dedicate their time/effort to this unless they're a professional who not only knows how to handle someone with NPD but isn't being affected by them personally. Bc chances are, you'd be giving them access to you in a way a professional isn't (obviously a therapist won't need you to empathize with them but someone you're dating/friends/family with would) and if they're hurting you with their lack of empathy, it just isn't worth it. Directing them to a professional is the smartest thing in my opinion.
So, one night, my husband and I were having a conversation at the dinner table about work stuff. I was crying because I was yelled at and embarrassed by my boss in front of my coworkers only because my boss did not want me to take my day off. I was really hurt because that day off was very important as I was supposed to take my son to his doctor’s appointment which I scheduled 3 months earlier.
My 8-year old son saw me crying and kinda heard what’s going on. And then he came to hug me and said,” mom, don’t cry. Dad and I are always here for you. We love you.”
That just blew my mind and at the same time really appreciate my son’s presence and love.
The following night, he saw me crying in the living room again and then he said,” mom, if you think your boss is not treating you well, then go look for another job. “ And then he gave me a hug.
Jesus loves you
Kids surprise us all the time. Give yourself credit but also he is good kid from his own internal work too.
This made me tear up (ಥ _ ಥ)🤍
You are raising a real gentleman
I thought it was more nurture than nature. Most narcissists I know were traumatized as children and always have at least one narcissistic parent. Really appreciate your content 🙏
Thanks for watching and. for supporting mental health education! 💙
I was traumatized as a kid and have two narcissistic parents. I can't explain why I'm not a full blown sociopath. God's grace, I guess.
@@gracepeterson7483 maybe but as an atheist I would say it’s because you’re a strong, amazing human ♥️
@@MedCircle always a pleasure! 💙
77777
I grew up in complete narcissistic family.I find this fascinating ,my mother created this competitive anxiety with all the siblings .She had all of us with ridiculous rivalry and bullying.She never showed any real love for her children, it was all about what we could do for her.She lacked any moral codes and encouraged us to basically to be dishonest.She was a shocker basically she never should have had children.She created this toxic legacy after she passed.
That's awful. I feel your pain.
@@RavenStealstheNight OMG mine two siblings were doing the same squabbling over guardianship and items.You start to wonder if it is you are sane.Its very sad .
Narcs don’t deserve to carry on with creating offspring and having families. If they don’t change most don’t they just ruin a lot of people’s lives.
Same..pretty much to the letter
Did any of you end up narcissist?
I literally always have said to my husband if it’s one thing I want for my kids was for them to be empathetic!! This was well before we even had kids. Now we have 2 under 2. I’m doing my best to ensure that they see me being empathetic. Simultaneously, I went them to see me being kind to myself by not tolerating disrespect and abuse. I don’t want them to learn from me that everyone else’s needs are more important than their own because that’s what I learned from my mother’s actions.
Dr Ramini really is an amazing individual. Highly intelligent and I just love listening to her. I am working in mental health and I have experienced it myself and without a doubt Dr Ramani has taught me so much. Very good at what she does
I dont like her
@@cascade00 I agree......and add I would bet that it is highly likely they are person that if entered an experiment they didnt know was an experiment with 5 other people who were in on it - a blue cup was put in front of them and everyone said it was red when asked the colour they too would say is red. "I know 100% I am not like that" 🙏
@@mrsmallpinky9041 I think it's good to have an open mind about everyone we see on the internet. Be cautious and be discerning.
@@gracepeterson7483 very gracious 🙏 thank you
@@mrsmallpinky9041 why don't you like her?
As a young adult who’s been diagnosed with NPD and is undergoing treatment, i do think we need more videos like this. The dehumanization on RUclips is really overwhelming and you can’t really find any good videos to help you with your disorder.
I'm really sorry that you haven't found very many sources for getting better that don't just end up making you feel worse :(. I wish you luck on your treatment. You've got this!
PLEASE don't get discouraged.
PLEASE don't give up and keep doing research.... do it for your future children 🙂
Do you do better now or is it the same? I am going througha collapse now and I dont now what to do everything is meaningless
@@Pandazz79don't know how things ended up going for you, but God loves you and God bless you. I hope you're in better times now!
Mark Ettensohn is a great resource on YT and he’s an author
I worked so hard on empathy as well. It was my number one goal. The downfall was I was married to a narcissist who was more abusive than I could ever see for years. 2 out of 3 kids have come out empathetic, but one I worry about every day.
I wouldn’t worry about that one. I would worry about the impact on the other two. I would say your odds are pretty good. Two out three ain’t bad as the saying goes. There’s nothing you can do but protect the innocent.
@@brigitte9999 thank you!
Empathy, boundaries and taking responsibility for your actions. For me those are the major things lacking in the narcissists I've met. Love Dr Ramani, one of the best at explaining narcissists. Every video she does is informative and very helpful to those of us who have been damaged by narcissists.
True
Absolutely.
💯
Empathy seems like the foundation upon which all the other "good stuff" is built... honesty, integrity , morality... etc... 🤔
This is fantastic. Even the Bible says Everything we do should be because of love. Love and empathy go together. We have to learn it to show it❤
Odd how siblings can be raised in near-identical circumstances and only one becomes narcissistic.
Yeah, know 2 brother's. 67 and 69 of age. S is a malignant narcissist and D is just the opposite from his brother. S was severely abused on an emotional level, while in boarding school since the age of 6. Although they both grew up in the same home with the same parents. Both went to the same boarding school but had different outcomes. S was always a hypersensitive child which needs on an emotional level especially with his mom, was never met. He is emotionally hollow because his mother neglected him on this crucial level at a stage when he needed her the most. So sad to see how their condition just gets worse as they age.
Asperger's Syndrome, I know someone with Asperger's whose parents are narcs & so she is...
My husband is the middle of three boys. Mother raised textbook birth order. So now husband has middle child syndrome, felt overlooked, lacked validation. So now he is resentful and has taken it out on me. It’s a no -win situation for me. He plays the victim with everyone against him. Never apologizes , no empathy.
That's what happened in my mom's family. Her 3 older sisters are normal but she has displayed narcissistic behaviors & patterns over the years. I always thoughtbit was because she was the baby of the family so she got away with alot of crap that her 2 oldest sisters got flack for doing the same things. Narcissism needs to be put into the DSM-V so society van see how big an issue this is in the world
leave him
run
I was raised by such good parents and they always put kindness, respect, empathy and compassion at the forefront and I do the same with my kids. If you try your best that’s what matters. I want my kids to become kind adults more than anything.
😍☺️❤️❤️❤️
God Bless your Parents💖
Kind adults are good, but healthy, strong/independent/know who they are, are better.
I grew up in a decent house hold, by a great single mother. She taught me how to be empathetic and kind to others. Which I saw as a positive. And it is, in moderation.
HOWEVER, this empathy and kindness did not prepare me for when I met a sociopath.
I felt BAD for the sociopath and stayed with the abuse. I gave said sociopath all my empathy, kindness, time, etc, because "It's always good to be kind", "turn the other cheek", "always help others and be there for them" "everyone deserves a second chance" etc, etc.
Empathy/kindness is good, but it is never good to be TOO kind.
I stayed when actually I should have left that relationship. I didn't leave it because childhood/society taught me I had always to put up with it and stay because "partners are family"
Now I've learned, and I'm not as kind anymore.
I actually strive to be more like one family member. They are really kind and nice, but they have healthy boundaries, and don't let people walk all over them.
@@specialtwice4975 Be kind but be selective kind. I went through the same situation but I'm still kind and now I can see the red flag and know when to call that person out loud and tell them that it's not cool to take advantage of my kindness. I have a rule breaker in every relationship now, be it my family members or friends.
I am so glad you educated us that all teenagers are narcissistic and self entitled ..I won’t lie I’ve been seriously concerned about my teenager, until you said they’re like this with their parents but not with friends. You have really Settled something inside of me haha
Empathy really is everything ❤️
Wow that makes sense. I was like that
I also worry of their behavior
She said all teenagers Look like narcissists. Not that they are.
Agreed Empathy is number 1. Because kindness is what bonds us as humans and the only thing that can make a lasting change on the world. I am a teacher with no children of my own. Not by choice however I try to instill learning kindness for them. I had a similar saying for them "If I teach you nothing at all I will teach you kindness."
The single best quality in any person is empathy. They are worth more then their weight in gold. Best partners, best parents, best coworkers, best team players, best leaders
We definitely need to switch anti bullying campaigns to pro empathy campaigns. Anti gun violence versus pro empathy campaigns.
Empathy can only go so far being empathetic towards victims of gun violence does nothing to help society only when you take the action to make sure nothing like that happens ever again is the best option
I don't think I was capable of empathy at any age.
My mom tried to convince me to feel how others felt and I never would, simply because I knew that they're not me.
I rearranged my whole life and went through hell just so that I can give my kids, me. Thank you Dr. Ramani, last year, I finally saw the light in my narcissistic family system and got myself and my kids out of an emotionally invalidating situation.
Empathy can place you in positions you can't escape because your more worried about someone else's feeling over your own. That's how some narcissist trap you. Had to learn to control my empathic nature due to emotional pitfalls.
100% agree with you.
Empathy does not mean that you put other's feelings over your own. It means you can understand and relate to other's feelings. You still decide what to do with the information.
One thing Dr. Ramini misses is that narcissists are looking for a parent/Life Coach in their relationships. Narcs need someone to direct them and help them make adult life and business choices. Narcissists take advantage of these spouses, friends and more to get ahead. Narcs are all about using whomever they can for their own gain.
!! My mom used to say (verbatim!) “I can’t help you because I don’t know” all the time. When I was getting an apartment, buying a car, getting a job, cooking, etc. - all things she had done multiple times. I’m so glad I had access to the internet and libraries and could learn myself and stop the cycle. Thank you for pointing this out!
Why is it then that narcs try and tell everyone else how to live their lives
@@twistedsocietytv they do it without morals. They are evil.
I disagree. She does discuss this because I find I have to take the place of the parents all the time with the narcissist. When Dr. R addressed it I sat right up and said EXACTLY.
it's towards the end.
When I was younger, I asked my ex what was the one thing he looked for in a partner and he said, "competence". It's made me realize people get married for a wide variety of reasons and some matches such as ours were completely toxic. Growing as a person means forgiving yourself for what you didn't know when you didn't know it. Lesson learned! These days I look for humility along with emotional intelligence 100%.
Growing up in a largely Narcissistic neighborhood, i saw how Narcissistic parents made their kids just as Narcissistic. These parents are the typical nosy, entitled, envious, manipulative, foul mouthed and sometimes ruthless people who is also deathly obsessed with either politics or religious activities or both.
They "ostracized" and covert/passive aggressively harassed everyone who doesn't agree with their point of view (i.e my family and a couple of others who then chose not to mingle much with them unless necessary). And in this southeast asian country, i think the Narcissists here looooove to be in in a large group of like-minded people, that's how they managed to overwrite their Insecurities, by hiding in numbers. They have us vs them mentality - "If everyone thinks this way, then I am correct, everyone who is not one of us is wrong". Collective/tribal narcissism.
Only a couple of kids from this sort of Narcissistic families didn't agree to such behaviour and one even expressed how she doesn't like her mum and prefers to talk to my mother.
We were never a perfect family, we had our own shortcomings too but thankfully my late dad and my mum always been showing us how to be empathetic, not to crave people's approval and provide a safe space for us to express ourselves.
Looks like you described India
Dr Ramani is one of those people that makes this a better world!
I grew up with a narcissistic father and was emotionally neglected and struggle with empathy. I always try to be more mindful about other people and I look up to my sister who is pretty empathic and I don't know how she got that in the house we grew up!
My husband and I decided our number 1 thing to teach our kids is happiness and to show them empathy and compassion. We teach by modeling the behavior and that is one thing I can be proud of. All 3 of my kids are so compassionate and sometimes empathetic to a fault where they "feel" others pain and heart ache so that is one thing that really does cause issues with empathizing.
Boundaries & knowing when to let go comes with & after learning empathy & compassion.
Amazing parenting, and I absolutely agree that empathy is one of the major factors everyone should understand, if there was a little more empathy in the world would there be wars and conflict.
Dr. Ramani is right. Empathy is everything ❤️
I love you Dr Ramani, you show it with credibility
I am the most empathetic person I know but I am also the person who has been exploited emotionally, had to sacrifice after understanding how to help others. I am also the one person who is mostly left hurt, alone and left with s feeling that no one who understand your empathetic levels.
I had to learn to use my shield.
Empathy is the greatest human quality. I'm 100% with Dr. Ramani.
She is always so great explaining and he is also such a good interviewer, they seem so confortable talking
I have covert narcissist tendencies, it took me years to realize it and I’m terrified of unknowingly emotionally damaging my child. I see a lot of advice about how to heal wounds made from a narcissist and how bad they are. But what about a narcissist that wants to change? How can we heal that deep wound ourselves? Thanks in advance for any guidance.
From my understanding there's therapist that are trained in this field that could help. To make changes it takes effort and huge desire to push through ❤🙏
Go to therapy. Dr Ramani and dr Les Carter, for example, they are really good expert psychologists that could help you. You can read books and watch videos too, but because narcissist often lack self-awareness, it's important to have another person to point out things that have to change. One of the main healing tools is to REPARENT YOURSELF. Narcissists were emotionally neglected, therefore they may act in an emotionally immature way. Besides, that constant need for outside valuation comes from the core would: they were not properly loved by their parents and they still long for the unconditional love of a mother/father. That makes them so insecure and vulnerable too. Therefore, they have to learn to become self-reliant. How to sooth themselves and how to give the validation to themselves and not to be so dependent on others telling them they are good, encouraging them... So, therapy, and books for example: John Bradshaw: Homecoming. Reclaiming and championing your inner child. Joseph Burgo: The narcissist you know. Lindsay C. Gibson: Adult children of emotionally immature parents. Here, I would like to emphasize, what Susan Forward PhD. Pointed out in her book: Mothers who can't love: A healing guide to daughters: that very probably, those mothers/ fathers weren't loved properly either. They are damaged too. Therefore, they really couldn't give what they didn't experienced either. Maybe some people can be empathic even though their parents were not: if they had an empathic grandparent, neighbor, caretaker, teacher at preschool etc. If someone works on themselves surely they can learn and grow a lot too. But it's very painful and humiliating owning up one's faults, so it takes a lot of determination and the willingness to go through all that pain. But if you can, you achieve a really big thing: breaking the generational cycle of narcissism.
@@june.w.1288 @Zsanett Bárány Thanks for this comment.When I heard about this term narcissist from my step elder sis (as she has been taking therapy from about 5to7 years) and then I watched few videos 3 years back ;then I stopped watching cause somewhere they were disturbing me due to my sister telling me about our problematic family dynamics.I took out some conclusions in my mind due to the possible cause of my parents behaviour and only that relieved me and I paused digging further on the issue.Major of it is well written by you here .Felt good to read this comment as it resonates a lot with my analysis.Thankyou
@@june.w.1288 Thank you so much for your insightful answer, I can see you understand that these symptoms come from deep wounds. I’ll work towards changing for the better. Wish you the best in your journey!
That doesn’t seem like a paragraph a narcissist could write. From what I understand, narcissists don’t seek treatment. Their egos just cannot fathom they have a need for it. Also, you express a a fear of damaging your children, which is coming from a place of empathy.
This is amazing parenting advice! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you Dr Ramani. I can breathe a huge sigh of relief for my own children. I seem to have this innate ability of empathy - even with the really bad childhood I had (I have 7 ACE's) empathy is one of those things that I've always had and maybe my upbringing taught me how I didn't want to be. My 4 children have always had this empathy as well and it has been nurtured. My eldest was there for her friends when things happened, right down to my youngest who is ASD but has that innate empathy built in. She hates seeing anyone being hurt, including people who hurt her (bullies) so I am glad that narcissism will not be in my children's personality. 0-11, the foundation years right? My youngest is 11 and my eldest is 21 this week. My middle two are still in their teen years and I so get the teenage years being difficult.
Empathy is important, no doubt. But in my opinion, empathy shouldn't be taught exclusively or you'll raise a doormat---a person rife for abuse by a narcissist or other abuser type who knows how to play them. Teach kids empathy yes, but also teach them to trust their gut and pay attention to pathological behavior in others. Kids need to know that acting on empathy doesn't mean people-pleasing. Can you respond to this?
Well, Dr. Ramani is an expert on narcissism. Surely she teaches her children about narcissism too.
Teaching kids to maintain healthy boundaries, and respect themselves, not to subordinate themselves in relationships, aim for relationships were they are partners, equals, - these would help a lot too to avoid toxic relationships.
I'm sure she didn't mean exclusively. Boundaries are just as important to learn.
I'm an empath and picking up on others emotions doesn't always mean your just getting the emotions that make you feel sorry for them. Unless somehow your choosing to ignore the other feelings coming from the person. Liked you said trusting your gut because you're feeling somethings off.
Feeling empathically, means for many of us that your feeling, literally, what the other person is feeling as if those emotions are your own. But most people who aren't empaths can sense others emotions but they don't internalize them. Choosing to feel those moments where the other person is being dishonest (a feeling people will attempt to put a wall Infront of) really will help in knowing when something isn't right here.
Drawing boundaries and choosing to "step away" from a situation before getting "sucked in" and then do some self inquiry. Take the emotion out of the situation for a bit and look at it from another perspective can help.
@@june.w.1288 I'm sure she does and I have much respect for her but I think it would have been good to mention that side of things. That's all.
@@LisaLywulf I am an empath too and so are all of my adult children. It is such a fine line.
The doctor is speaking broadly. She’s not speaking about each individual situation. Also, Demanding that she respond to your opinion sounds narcissistic
Surely NPD has to be something that some people are more prone to having it based on personality traits or brain chemistry. But the rest comes in with nurture. But some people are more likely to become narcissistic. Because empathy tend to have childhoods similar to someone with NPD but instead of growing up to hurt others, they grow up to become empathic people.
Keep in mind there’s a lot of people with NPD that are undiagnosed because they rarely ever go to therapy and see someone because rarely does their behavior effect them, it mainly effects their victims.
Nope
Oh Dr Ramani I actually burst into tears when you shared about what you and your (lovely) ex-husband agreed to do - to teach and nurture empathy above all else. It’s what I always thought too. I really needed this affirmation. Thank you.
I teared up a few x when Dr Ramani said that was the #1 goal, more important than anything, raising empathetic children 😥💗🙏
It seems like narcissism is become more widespread because of social media
It's refreshing to hear personal insight from Dr. Ramani. I sometimes wonder if I did things to ruin my daughters, but they are really good girls all the same.
I can relate! I raised 4 kids and they're good people despite my sometimes less than adequate mothering.
Dr. Ramani, You are awesome. Yes, I am proud to say that I gave importance to empathy only. When my older daughter 6 years and I had another 2 year toddler, I was so stressed and shouted to her and after 10 minutes, she came to me and asked " mom, are you ok, is it your head hurting or something else'. after that I cried more and after 24 years still I remember that incident.
Dr. Ramani- Thank you so much for sharing this message that
the most important thing in raising children, is to teach them empathy. I completely agree. When I was raising my son, I always said that the most important thing to me was to raise a son with a good heart. Great, informative video, as always. I'm always astounded by your level of knowledge and expertise. Thank you!
My priority in rasing my daughter is empathy as well. She is almost 6. My moment of 'yep, I succeeded' was when she was 3. I was cold, she brought me blanket. My heart melted... She was in kindergarten since 1yo, as soon as she was with other kids, she learned empathy is important.
Being raised as an empathetic child and having this quality reenforced as an adult, can be good to a point. Because most people are not being educated about narcissistic people -- the empathetic person can often become the narcissist person's target or victim.
"Who needs kindness when you can code?" -- a direct quote from both this video and my ex. What is with so many tech bros not having any empathy? Of course it's not all, but it does seem to be a high proportion. I think narcissists can be drawn to the control and lack of emotional vulnerability in coding so it tends to attract a lot of especially men who literally don't know what empathy even is. I literally explained it to my ex. Granted, he was from another country but yeah, after a decade here he had no idea what I was talking about and I think that was about more than a gap in his vocabulary.
Coding is a very solitary activity, so naturally people with no social skills will thrive in it. Group projects coding is perhaps somewhat different.
Thank you for reiterating many thoughts I've been digesting over the years, it has validated my feelings and made me see some things with new eyes. The relationships which have tested me often drained me of my own value, it has often taken a great deal of my energy. This is a work in progress, you are definitely a help! Gratefully, Lisa
This completely makes sense to me. I got my empathy from my mom. Shes been attentive to me my entire life and never rejected my emotions. Never forced me to be competitive even though she always wished I had gotten into sports more lol but because of her empathy for me I learned how to feel that towards everyone I meet. I don't brush off anyone's feelings and it's probably why I'm very interested in psychology. I want to be able to better understand people with npd and not be afraid or angry towards someone so the opposite of me.
empathy can be painful tho and lead to constant worry and anxiety about everyone else's feelings
I think that's just anxiety
I agree. I've come to learn the importance of boundaries... Work in progress but has helped with the anxiety you describe
This was so good! Empathy has been what I've always told my husband our 3 children needed and needed the most...my 2 sons, daughter all 3 of them are very sensitive and very empathetic ❤ Thank you for these videos
Dear MedCircle, please always pay Dr Ramani on time and well. Don’t take her for granted just cuz she’s been coming back to you guys for a long time. I cant express how helpful her advices are. I broke up with my girl friend of 2 years so she won’t ruin the rest of my life, only thanks to Ramani’s advice
This actually keeps me up at night! My ex was diagnosed with NPD and I had a REALLY hard time bonding with our child when she was first born and now that she is 8 I am SO worried she'll end up like her dad. Her dad and I have split and I finally bonded with my child but I'm so worried it wasn't done in time. She goes to a therapeutic day school and was diagnosed with high functioning autism, and I was asked what was the one thing I worry about with her, and I said her lack of empathy, I see it in her ALL the time, just like her dad! I try to teach to her and show her what it means to have empathy, and take each and every teachable moment that comes along, but I'm scared it may be too late for her! What can I do to change the path that my child is heading towards?!? She already gets counselling through her school and is also set up with a therapist outside of school but my daughter refuses to engage with her outside therapist. What can I do to help my child?!?
You could look into different types of therapy that she might engage with more, like art therapy/music therapy/dance/drama, sensory rooms etc. People with autism sometimes respond better to these types of therapy because it's easier for them to engage when they're using different parts of their brain to do art/play for example.
You could also look into emotional literacy sessions (maybe her school provides them?) which help children understand and express their emotions better, which helps communication and relationship building.
Just some ideas, hope that's helpful. Sometimes you need a bit of trial and error to see what works well 😌
@@tigs6639 those are some really great tips and ideas for me to look into!! i know that her school actually has her already involved in most of your suggestions, but you still gave me some other great ideas to look into. just wanted to say thanks for reaching out and offering me some advice, her diagnoses are still VERY new to us and i'm just sort of left in the dark to try to figure it out on my own, so your comment was very helpful!!
Pray for her. Find a church home/family with a pastor willing to help you both. Attend Sunday school and church. Maybe enroll her in a church school; many give scholarships. Separate her from as many problem children as possible. Read appropriate Bible stories to or with her. Re-enforce lessons in Proverbs and Psalms, etc.. So, why am I at this site seeking info/answers? I am seeking knowledge in, for Me, unknown territory and praying for God to help our family out of, what I see as, a very harmful situation. This tale of woe would contain enough twists and turns for a TV serial on narcissism. Until this experience, we didn't really know the meaning of narcissism or even use the term, in any form, in our everyday language or discussions. All have degrees from major universities and one has an advanced degree from a major university...talking about three naive, gullible adults. That's us! Or maybe just a little dumber than our tormentor who we are beginning to believe might not have attended or completed high school
You can also learn to be empathic by being in a VERY unempathetic environment...or if your caregiver wants you to be empathetic all the time...its not just learning through mirroring all the time
This! Thus is how I became extremely empathic to almost a psychic level. I was gaging my parents’ emotional state constantly trying to decide which one was the least likely to go off on me. The WORST was when they would go off on me at the same time.
I think its unfair on parents to say no one would say they want their kid to have empathy. I dont have a kid, but if i did all i would care about is that my child was kind and compassionate to others, and made the world a better place. I think theres a good difference to highlight between empathy and compassion. Constant empathy is not healthy, empathy requires you to be in touch with the pain inside of you to relate to others and it can over run into unboundaried feelings of taking on other peoples emotions which ultimately only they are responsible for. Whereas compassion is the ability to recognise someone is hurting and an additional desire to help. I think its important to teach boundaries to kids. my mum had quite bad OCD in a troubled marriage and they argued a lot and her compulsions were to clean so much. I felt her feelings i felt her anxiety, i used to feel i had to help, and i would clean, i felt she needed me to be the best best girl or i would upset her even though she was very loving and never ever told me off, though i felt i had to make sure she was okay. Then i grew to be a people pleaser ended up in codependent relationships, feel like i had to fix everyone. Ive learned to turn that off now luckily! Just another side of the coin. Dr Ramani sounds like she raised amazing children x
A big point of difference between me and my narc husband...he was completely focused on whether the children got good grades. I, however, always maintained the view that no one would care about grades in 10 years. But I was happy that they always got top marks in citizenship... something that would serve them well beyond their school years.
Empathy as an empath, is something that many kids are born with and it needs to be nurtured. But it's discouraged. To some degree all kids can sense emotions. I thought you could teach empathy, but for certain people, and it could be because of walls they've put up, they cannot pick up on someone else's emotions. There's empathy and empathy so they CANNOT actually feel someone else's emotions. Empathy, as in being able to relate to someone's pain or sadness, to where it triggers that same feeling withen them for example, can be taught.
Many times you can bring someone to a place in their lives where they were in a similar situation and then connect them with that emotion so they can relate. Start there. Unfortunately some people even need to learn how to identify their emotions to start with. I've noticed how Narcissists intellectualize vs empathize. For some it's walls they've put up for so long they cannot access emotions and they have a long standing habit of living this way. With others I believe it's possibly a chemical imbalance. I've noticed in these cases a family history of violence or an inability to feel. With the right upbringing usually this can be dealt with at a young age before it progresses into full blown narcissism.
Most people want their children to grow up and be 'happy' but I wanted my children to grow up 'good people'! That would include empathy.
I am so appreciative of Dr. Ramani. I have learned so much and through her, how to heal.
I need my parents. To me it is nice as I used to spend a lot of time away traveling the world singing so never saw them for years. Now I am closer to them but it feels more like we are friends. Especially my mom and I love talking about your programs and chatting about all the things we have learnt. Maybe I also chat more to my mom because she is blind and depend on communication and learning and experiencing the world through her children and i'm the most talkative but also a bit anxious when i don't talk to my mom a few times a day. It's great to have someone to reflect on and she likes venting and inspiring me to be proactive
The single most important thing for me, is to make sure my son has empathy. I’ve been doping the exact same thing when breastfeeding and everything else. Really Bering available at all times.. - he was a high need baby, and everybody kept telling me to let others take him, so I could go and do me… but he really needed me, and his temper (having been bathed in cortisol in all of my pregnancy, due to narcissistic abuse) I was so scared not to get it absolutely right (as Rhamani says, one only gets one chance, and It has to be right.!)
Even though I’m Danish and we have “good” maternity leave, 9 moths, it is still not enough.. we still send our babies til daycare when they are only 10-12 months old.. our children, our future, empathy in general should be prioritised. Instead empathy is in dangered.. 😰
This is the first time I've commented on RUclips & I watch MedCircle & Dr Ramani daily... But I HAD to comment on this.
I'm actually crying from the relief I felt hearing Dr Ramani talk about raising her kids with empathy. I struggle with my mental health & I worry the impact it has on my children. I am only starting to realise & heal from what I now understand was a Narcissistic abusive relationship (and being raised by suspected Narc parents) and most days I struggle that Im a bad Mum. I've been made fun of, put down, verbally abused, threatened (you know the deal lol) by so many people for teaching my daughter's empathy. My 3 year old is a beautiful soul & even at such a young age she understands what empathy is & she shows empathy but also has great boundaries. I'm going to make a conscious effort to look at my 6 month old when feeding her - good tip Dr Ramani 🥰
What's really odd to me is, my mother and brother are both completely lacking empathy and not only do they both INSIST they are "very" emphatic, they get angry when you tell them they are not and can't grasp their own lack of empathy. I assume they "know" it's an important character trait and don't want to admit that they are lacking it; it would be funny if it wasn't so painful how oblivious they are to what it even means. One example, my brother went to Mexico and apparently talked to some spiritual woman about ME - I have no idea what he said to her, but he informed me after that she told him I "needed empathy". Guess how he interpreted that, and took as fact? He interpreted it that a complete stranger who had never met me, was able to judge my level of empathy and conclude I was the one lacking it, rather than that I needed someone to BE empathic toward me. I suppose it's possible that a stranger might believe my brother's projections were the truth and conclude that I might be the one lacking empathy, but I don't think that was what she was trying to tell him, at all, even though I have no idea what he said to her. Even his ex wife labelled him "Mr Projector" when they were married and accused him of having no empathy. It's a real mind-warp with these people and the way they automatically dump their defects onto you as if it was gospel and then convince themselves and others it is gospel.
Another thing that I don't understand is how I ended up with empathy, in a family that completely lacks it. It's not just my mom and brother, my dad is also not empathic. I know I am because even as young as 4, I was able to express that my mother hurt my feelings (she used that as an opportunity to cajole and tease me, she's quite sadistic) and when I was 7 or 8, I stood up to some other kids who were throwing rocks at gophers and asked them how they would feel if they were a small gopher being attacked. I really freaked out on those kids, I remember it pretty well. Of course now, as an adult, I realize not all people see gophers as critters worth empathizing with, but at the time I could not understand how anyone could find hurting an animal, funny or fun. So how did I end up with feelings in a family who seemed to have none, and worse, saw feelings as something to ridicule or taunt in some sort of sick power-play where the adult always "wins"? Or something you can use to control someone with?
@Natalie let me guess, she's the one who is histrionic?! lol
Honestly i have learned alot from dr ramani , before her lecture i end up hurting myself …. Thanku, thanks 🙏 alot.
This is such an interesting post, thank you for sharing. I love watching both of your channels, you’ve helped me help myself, take responsibility for my emotions and respond over react. Take care.
I feel so incredibly blessed I had 2 parents who wanted empathy and emotional intelligence to be strengths for us.
I would love to hear more from Doctor Ramani about fostering empathy in children. I am not a parent but I am a prominent figure in the lives of several children. With the increase in how narcissistic behavior is rewarded on social media and other places, how can I model empathy in a way that will inoculate them against the influence of pervasive models of selfishness and disregard? Additionally, how do you balance encouraging empathy with the need to maintain healthy boundaries and autonomy? After growing up with a narcissist parent, even I haven't mastered this balance. I have no idea where to start with modeling it!
Empathy is important, but it doesn't put food on the table. You've also only got one shot at fostering conscientious, responsibility, rational thinking, self-reliance, self-discipline, etc.
i just watched another video abt narcissism, most narcissists actually are underdeveloped in parts of the brain that have to do with safety and empathy and literally cannot feel empathy because their development was stunted at an early age
I hope you are right. I pray to God you are right. My 6 year old daughter is coping with her parents divorce and leans towards her narcissistic mother. I am patient, loving, and nurturing to the best of my ability and teach her lessons in empathy and how to manage her emotions. Oddly, her mother may be also teaching her lessons on the same topics. However, my daughter seems to enjoy the pain of others since she was a toddler. Because she favors her mom, perhaps she mimics her behavior but I feel that my daughter can’t comprehend empathy or perhaps doesn’t see empathy as a favorable thing to have and I just don’t see that it’s because of her mother or myself for that matter. She’s still so young and I won’t give up, but I’m really struggling with this.
It's always been clear to me that Dr. Ramani has a good heart and is very bright. But, because she does do "the superficial world" so very well, I had a (tiny)bit of a prejudice. That took a hit here. Expressing that empathy is either learned very early or not at all, and then state that empathy was the NUMBER ONE thing she felt obliged to "teach" her children; this was a reminder to pay closer attention to what she is saying (even if it's fun and very stimulating to take her in on a more superficial level)
So good! Loved the parenting piece! Can a bullying experience, gifted intelligence, or abusive experience outside the family also cause NPD as well?
Empathy.. kindness.. others before themselves.. this is how I raised my children.. why am I watching this trying to figure out my 23 yr old middle child?
This validates my own conclusion about what matters most to me in the entire world, which is how people treat each other. Now I can be even more specific by putting the word "empathy" in, I didn't know that's what I was looking for because I was under the impression that empathy was sometimes undesirable, like an invasion of privacy, but it's all about putting yourself in the other person's shoes, so that makes sense. Thank you again! I'm so relieved that the way I think is good, and not a la-la land fairy tale for losers.
Hello. I certainly understand teaching empathy to your children as a priority. It is nearly impossible to teach once they are older. However, how did you temper this with being vulnerable to narcs? I would love to hear your feedback on this. Cheers!
also what im wondering -- while i agree empathy is a priority i would worry that narcissists will exploit their sensitive nature which could be even worse
I felt the same way with empathy! When my son was very little we would pray talk drive to school and each day he had an assignment at school to see 👀 who was down sad and needed a smile. I would ask him to see who was down to learn empathy and then I would ask him what he did to act on that empathy to help them smile so he could learn compassion to act on it. That was a regular thing throughout his childhood. That was one practice we did and then talked about together after school
My son is now 16 and one of the wisest God fearing loving compassionate forgiving teens you have ever met. He holds to high boundaries and can blend with all kinds of personalities and stay true to himself and his identity. Empathy and compassion training should be a class in school these days
Empathy is everything😌❤️❤️❤️☺️👍
That's nice and a big relief!! My daughter once was on a bike ride when she was 3 years old and we passed by a construction site and she told me.. o my god mummy, the poor rock they are hurting it a lot. why!? so bad that I had to sit down with her to explain coz she wanted to cry.. it was a bit too sensitive.. but I thought it was nice but too much!
on the other hand, I had to teach her to feel the right of certain things, coz in those terms I think she had mirrored me a little. never feeling deserving unworthy. once we talked about her relationships and I told her, that we needed to explore what is what I did coz she got it from me for sure.
We needed to figure it out coz I didn't want her to feel that way ever nor feel manipulated as I have had... she was shocked but she has been willing to help us fix her issues I'm happy coz she is the 20s so it means she will be happier than me, with fewer struggles by her 40s...
Every narcissist I ever met didn’t know who they were.
I truly believe that and they lack self reflection
I'd say empathy, intelligence, communication skills and healthy habits (explaining to the child why it's a good idea to brush their teeths for exemple)
That is wonderful advice for parents. It’s one of my main goals for my kids too. Empathy is so important!
My mother is narcissistic she doesn't have that much empathy, however I learned empathy by whatching Barbie all my childhood 😂 she was a great kind empathic and brave, a great role model, I was a very introverted kid (still am) and honestly movies and playing with my toys or pets were my company,
A question for Dr Ramani- while raising your kids were you ever worried about them becoming too empathetic and therefore prey for narc abuse? I think you’ll understand why I ask this. So many of us survivors of narc abuse are overly empathic and narcs love to drain the beauty and life from us bc of our strong ability for showing empathy.
I've read that children and adolescents aren't fully capable of true empathy, as the part of the brain that deals with empathy, the anterior insular cortex, isn't fully developed and that the whole brain isn't fully developed until we're in our late 20s (apparently earlier for females). Is this correct? 🧠 🧐
Dr Ramani is a life changing for me.
I love this 💓 Great information, I have 2 young boys with great empathy which gives me hope 🙌
dehumanizing. that's my childhood in a nutshell. my parents were young, ignorant, and survivors themselves of horrific childhoods. my mother thought we were little dolls she could dress and hair-style however she pleased without reference to our preferences. my preferences were ignored at best and punished at worst. i was under-indulged and over-ignored and over-punished...often punished for things my sister did or for reacting to things my sister did. my narcissist sister is the one who was both over- and under-indulged--hence, the nurture...but i think she also was genetically geared toward narcissism because she hated me with a seething passion the minute my parents brought me home from the hospital, before they even had a chance to "love" me at her "expense" in her presence.
if you didn't learn empathy in your childhood, is there absolutely no way you can learn it later on in life?
Yes, people can, at least, cognitive empathy. Maybe there is no complete healing, but still people who try to better themselves can make a big difference! It's always worth trying!
I Love you both together. Also individually but you make a good team. Thank you
This advice will change a lot. Thank you 🙏
Empathy is not learned, it is the natural primal condition of every human being.
It is easy to keep a child on that path despite their healthy pushing and exploring of boundaries.
It takes a lot of consistent abuse to beat the empathy out of us.
Psychopaths are born without empathy 👀
@@blockofice2163
There's no proof that anyone is born a psychopath.
Most likely these people are vak scene injured
@Jarred Mello-Neyhart-May
All people are born that way.
That's my point.
I think you need to read my comment again.
@@peterladetto708 And yet we have done a lot to erase it with our culture. To be empathetic, really empathetic, you really need to learn it early on.
@@basilofgoodwishes4138 no you don't.
It needs to be encouraged.
It's already there.
We just corrupt it
Thank you for this. I said to another mum today who spoke greatly on my oldest, as long as they are with everyone else that's what matters. I'm worried about my youngest at the moment but you remind me all kids somewhat are. As long as they are well with others. As I said to this mum, they ain't so great at home because home is "safe", home they can be whatever, but in public they behave
“You cannot teach a 30-year old to be empathic.” Not true doc. You can’t FORCE anyone to be empathic. But you CAN teach people empathy who want to learn it.
I know her message is critical for people in narcissistic relationships. Extricating yourself has got to become your highest priority. Believing you can change the narcissist in your life is only going to prolong your suffering. So the overwhelming majority of her messaging is designed to get that point across, and she’s very wisely extremely hesitant to add any grey to an already precarious situation.
But there are so many narcissists. And the internet seems to be causing the percentage of people with narcissistic traits and outright NPD to be on the rise. Even worse, as she alludes to here, narcissism is rewarded in our short-term thinking, quarterly-earnings obsessed world. Narcissists get promoted into leadership positions in business and, increasingly, politics too. Is there any doubt that Tucker Carlson, Brett Kavanaugh, Kyrsten Sinema, Tom Cruise, Steve Bannon, Marjorie Taylor-Green, Elon Musk, and Donald Trump, among so many others, are malignant narcissists? This phenomenon may even be driving the downward spiral of our democracy. Certainly, the concept of democracy is itself incompatible with narcissistic sensibilities since it requires equality - everyone is supposed to have one vote - equal power - and that’s not how the narcissist sees the world.
With so many narcissists, we need tools to effectively treat narcissism. As huge a task as it is “merely” to free individuals from toxic relationships with narcissists, we have a much bigger challenge, freeing society from the control of narcissism itself. So these professionals need better answers than “nothing can be done.”
Empathy is magical. Thanks!
Such a relief to hear this because without realizing it I know I raised my son to have empathy. The sad thing is he tends to attract narcissistic women. Makes me really sad too as I’m a sensitive empath currently trying to figure out how to get out of a 23 year relationship with a narcissist as I’m codependent + trauma bonded :(
A good basis to leave unhealthy relationships. By encouraging empathy and not modeling good boundaries he is still in that dynamic. If one has a narcissistic parent teaching empathy is counterproductive. It could set them up for years of abuse.
@@brigitte9999 He is a compassionate kind person. I raised him as a single mom and am just learning to have boundaries myself. He definitely is a lot stronger than I ever was and seems to have good boundaries. Just his last girlfriend seemed to have controlling issues so he did break up with her which I'm happy about. I left his father because he was a narcissist in hopes he wouldn't become like that...
@Natalie it's all so frustrating seems the world is divided between good people and narcissists...anyway it's made us both realize we can function on our own and don't have to be in any damn relationships lol
Very valuable information. How do you show Empathy for a narcissist in your life? I get angry and sometimes lash out. I never feel good about myself afterwards. It’s like I can’t win for loosing. Thank you, I’m glad I listened.
I like to watch the channel of dr Les Carter about narcissism (anddr Ramani too). But dr Carter always emphasizes: civility, respect, decency - I always think about that I want to be a decent person, someone who is calm, and don't behave in a way that he/she should be ashamed of him/herself later on. Lashing out also might happens because you keep it in yourself for sooo long. You endure and endure and endure forever, and then you crack. The problem is, narcissists often try to trigger people. Try to make them angry. Because then, they will be able to use that episode as a manipulation tool: See, you acted so out of proportion then... So they can force you to endure more. Dr Les Carter Nd dr Ramani also teach how to gray rock narcissists. Don't react, don't engage. If you get emotionally involved, they can manipulate you. You should keep distance and try to not react to triggering. For example, I have a family member who has narcistic tendencies. He ruins every Sunday and holidays, etc. On a Sunday, for example, he really tries to find cause to be angry with someone. To unload his anger on someone. Nothing is right. Learning about narcissism, I learned that I don't have to take his criticism on myself on those days. Because he would criticize everything I do and shout at me. But now I know it's not because I am an idiot who can't do anything right. I know it's just because he is in a terrible mood and he wants to unload his frustration on someone. Knowing this in myself helps me to stay calm and not to break down, because if I show weakness, he would just be even more mean to me and more controlling. My inner knowledge helps me to stay sane and calm. Of you can, leave the narcissist and let professional therapists help them. It's not your responsibility. Often people who have a strong urge to help people, rescue people, are narcissist magnets. But you cannot save them. They have to learn to grow up, to become an adult, and if you always help them, they don't need to try to grow up. Give them a book, for example John Bradshaw Homecoming. Reclaiming and championing your inner child. Advise them to therapy. But let them do the rest. They have to heal themselves, noone can do it instead of them.
Thank you, Zsanett, reading your message makes me cry. This last separation has been the calmest I’ve ever been., I sent him a video about narcissism and explained that I needed to stop this insanity for myself. It’s gone on too long. just over 5?years. He is going to be 62 yrs old and I’m turning 70 this April. I said that I felt sorry for him.but it’s not my responsibility. I told him I need to take care of my emotional well-being as we all should do. I am trying my best to fight for myself. I want to be happy. None of my friends or family want me to continue this relationship. He cheats and lies, and it never stops. I think my father was a narcissist and my mother so emotionally abused from her narcissistic mother damaged her too. It’s taken me a long time realize why I had so much anger built up and became depressed. Mine is not a unusual story, I’ve heard so many on RUclips, and it’s so sad. I have a new mantra that I got from watching a RUclips channel last night that I will share with you. I say it as often as I can. “I don’t chase, I attract. Everything abundant, loving, joyous and peaceful that is for me, will simply find me.” Thank you sharing your story and for your support. Bless you! 💕
@@laureenwilkinson7091 I am so sorry you had to go through all this. Yes, you can't save him. He cheated and he would do it again. He lied and he would do it again. Perhaps if he is no longer forgiven he will be forced to take responsibility for his behaviour. So sometimes it's better if you leave him on his own. Once I was in a very abusive relationship and a priest said to me, that if I let him beat me and endure all this abuse, I enforce his belief that his behaviour is alle right and he is entitled to dow these things. So if I love him, I should break up with him. I felt this is so true and did as advised. Unfortunately, what I heard later on, he didn't change for the better. But that was his fault. The opportunity was there. You are surely a very nice person and want to save everyone. But now, you should save yourself and your family. This is my mantra: you deserve to be happy. you deserve to be treated with respect and civility and compassion. You should take good care of yourself too 💙
My upbringing was a combo of being praised like no other and getting everything I want and feeling 0 love from my own mother.
She's a narc and I am 35 now and my eyes are opening. I am going to end this cycle. I have no children yet but in no way am I exposing anybody anymore.
That's beautiful... ; "when we need someone we resent them". Especially if we think they are or may not come though for us when we need them to.
No wonder so many people are narcissists now. Parents working outside the home and unemotionally attached caregivers raising children, parents consumed by social media…
Doctor Ramani, you should do a video series for parents on HOW to teach empathy.
If a person is in their mid-50s, can narcissism be reversed or treated?
Would you recommend to stay away from that person or would you recommend to stay with that person?