As a FA, after a "break up" or let me say when I get rejected or ghosted... MY WHOLE WORLD comes crashing down. I have to do so much mental and emotional work to not fall apart because my mind ruminates and thinks of all the reasons why this person left me. It's horrible and something I wouldn't wish on anyone. It takes me a while to let go because I experience A LOT of what you are saying... The numbing, the questioning, escapism, driving for long distance... I will eventually calm and then start this rampage for self-improvement. Either way... break ups are really hard for me.
Get outta my head girllllll🤣 I could’ve written this myself. October 10th I was ghosted after having a whirlwind romance. I’m still beating myself up baaaaaad. I really appreciate your comment Karen💖
FAs are the goldilocks of relationships, they want the temperature of the relationship just right and to their own taste, your sensitivity to their mood has to be as finely tuned as a lazer, knowing when to be hot and when to be cold. Don't blame yourself - until they find balance, see their patterns and take ownership of their behaviour to others it will always play out this way. They have to do the work on patterns and problems - as we all do.
I dated a FA for 2 years...they were some if the best times I've ever had, but also some of the most turbulent times as well. The hot/cold and push/ pull dynamic is so exhausting and quite frankly unhealthy. I eventually ended it because of this... FA's are wonderful people but the unresolved wounds from their childhood occasionally bubble to the surface, and out if nowhere they will deactivated and shut down, causing their partner to question what they've done wrong? This also causes emotional strife and tremendous pain... if you're thinking of entering into a relationship with an FA, fasten your seat belt.
I need to let my FA ex go. He was one of my best friends but also brought me immense sadness. In the end I don't think it was worth it. Please let them go especially if you're an AP like me.
@@Riccomobs For the reasons he stated. I went through the same thing with my undiagnosed FA. The frequent hot/cold....Silent Treatments, breakup makeups, walking on eggshells afraid to trigger them. You're basically dating an adult who has the maturity level of a 14 year old. I put EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING into trying to get our relationship to work. She was her worst enemy, the final straw as her standing me up for a concert hours before the concert.
I fell for an FA and I fell hard, I took my time and gave her space. I quickly saw the attachment style and invested time to learn and work with her. Ultimately I made a grand gesture of taking her away for a weekend and it completely overwhelmed her to shut down. Paralysis by analysis and she pulled away. I’m no expert but communication is key and you must be careful to pick your spots. It sounds like a lot of work but she was worth it and I believe that FA’s have an amazing amount of love to give if only they could trust themselves. She never came back and i learned to prioritize my needs as well. Good luck to all the anxious preoccupied here trying hard to love a fearful avoidant… please tell me a story of success ! Does the dog ever catch his tail?
Thanks for your input. Kind of in the same boat here, especially the whole "falling hard" part. The woman i was talking to was such a homebody that I never read more into that. Anyways, I'm 1 week and some days of NC. In your experience, are FA's the type to eventually reach back out?
@@avenuempire One of mine reached out after 1,5 years , other one couple months later. It varies a lot , the 1,5 years had a lot of experiences and came back because she had a lot of bad experiences, people called her out and seeked me out to ask about , i confirmed it and that was it she then wanted to be friends. Because im an AP and my traumas are much more revolving around abandonment its much harder to know when do i get triggered and what constitutes as abandonment , therefore even in friendships i can get triggered easily so i had to go no contact because at the time the fear of the unkown and that i can get triggered any time just paralized the shit out of me. There is also the parent/child situation in which if i become the child thats when the anxious reassurance comes out, maybe my partner smothered me and it was not what i expected etc but im currently working on this stuff
Pietro, I truly appreciate the kindness in which you describe FA. My ex used to say similar things about me a FA. Unfortunately, I don’t have a happy ending for you. I ended things. I miss him so much, but I don’t want to hurt him with my hot and cold behavior. Good luck to you ❤
3:00 start 3:40 distract themselves with hobbies, work, friends to avoid dealing with their feelings 3:20 after 2.5 weeks, if they lean toward anxious, then they start missing their partner & more willing to work on it. If it’s 6 weeks, then the FA feels rejected/ hurt bc the partner doesn’t reach out. They shut down their feelings bc they feel rejected. 6:20 is the right person for me? How can I show up for myself? Are they willing to work on the relationship? Don’t chase. 8:20 FA don’t want to be pushed into a decision. You can’t be too smothering, move slowly, be patient, show up, show you care but not be disinterested.
I’m a FA and it’s hell in relationships. You’re so emotionally fragile and desperate for understanding and love but can’t seem to get your anxiety out of your way.
NC needs to be indefinite for FA’s. No 30 days or 45 days. People who are dumpers no matter what the attachment style is, will be repulsed by you making contact. They’ll assume the worst, which is you’re waiting around for them and haven’t moved on and no one else wants you. Never treat them like they are some kind of prize. The only way to change the power dynamics in a breakup is to grow your life up so substantially that they have no choice but to come back and AT LEAST be curious as to why you’re all of sudden so successful and attractive. And honestly by that point…you probably won’t even want them anymore. Especially when this kind of growth changes your frequency and you’ll attract new/better partners that are harmoniously resonating with your secure state. So if you find yourself constantly attracting DAs or FAs understand that it’s because you don’t actually heal why you’re attracted to them in the first place.
Best comment so far so true these people are draining changing your frequency is absolutely necessary to attract higher vibrational people. If they don’t seek professional help it’s pointless revisiting this relationship doing so will only make you psychologically damaged and emotionally unavailable for possibly making a much healthier connection with someone else Involving yourself with an FA /DA be prepared to live in their one sided world
There sure are a lot of avoidants out there so let’s not blame the people looking for a healthy relationship while wading through the mostly unhealed and toxic dating pool.
Im currently traumatized because my FA suddenly left me without saying a word and ghosted me since. Im AP, we lived together, im Going through the hardest time and Greatest pain Ive ever had. Living is a fight currently
You keep mentioning that we should reach out to a fearful avoidant so he does not feel rejected but if he did not want to commit why would I reach out ? Shouldn’t he reach out when he decides that he wants to commit?
Don't stand on your head for anyone countless number of times which is never enough for the fa. It's their connection with their inner being that they need to become more intimate and trusting and loving with. Otherwise just let them go cause they will forever be projecting their disconnectedness onto you. No win for either if u put up with this
6:27 Think about if this is the right person for me. Is this person open to work on the relationship. How can we break the pattern. Don’t overgive. Don’t chase. Don’t give away yourself.
I keep saying I finally let go of the avoidant person. Idk if he'll reach out but 4 years of me chasing after someone who needs this type of work and won't allow time for me to get close to him is exhausting. I miss him dearly but our relationship is repetitive and hasn't made progress in 4 yrs. I'm not up for it anymore. I'm secure attachment and I waited hopelessly for nothing. God gives us free will....so I let him go.
👋 FA here and I honestly feel like both anxious and avoidant so I don't really lean more to one just yoyo back and forth. I relate to this so much and even hearing Thais talk about it my head hurts because it is such strong feelings that can be easily triggered. Hope that the work I put in will help me become more secure and not live in such a chaotic place in my mind.
I am the same; have been trying to figure out which way I lean,but honestly its just bouncing back and forth. Glad you mentioned this as I was almost becoming frustrated for not being able to figure it out 😅🤣
@@ribbonsbows1358 we are just a little 🤏 complexed 😅 my ex keeps trying to start things up again and I feel both like I don't want to get back together and I do, and it's so hard because I recognize now that the so called gut feeling of knowing someone isn't right for you isn't so black and white when you lived through so much trauma. Good luck on your journey and thanks for reaffirming I'm not the only one who feels this way 🤗
They need to grow up and become mature adult, life is always about give and take it all comes down to respect , if u respect ur partner u respect their feelings
As an AP I did everything I could to change my FA fwb of almost a year into a real relationship. He said he wanted one the first month we were together but changed his mind to be fwb. I did everything I could to communicate and keep him comfortable with things. He stopped seeing me in person after a while but kept texting me every other day. Finally I got upset after he ignored me for a few days. He said he didn't owe me anything and blocked me on everything. I apologized because he was right that we weren't technically in a relationship but I valued him. We haven't spoken in two weeks. I think he's gone forever. He's almost 30 and definitely gets depressed and lonely. But I don't think he'll ever come back. He's too prideful at the same time for that. I have to remind myself that he lost a patient, kind, and loving friend that would've done anything to make it up to him. It's his loss and I need to find someone who will actually value me and not string me along for a year just to drop me like trash.
Please read the book attached! It will make you feel better and hopefully point you towards a partnership that actually has good things to offer you lol.
Omg, I randomly came back to this comment. Thank you to everyone who liked and commented. It means a lot to see support even after this much time has passed.
I'm relatively secure with a hint of anxious during breakup. I broke up with my fa and we are bouncing back and forth. In the beginning of our reconciliation she was at a low point and I was able to introduce some of this attachment theory. She's receptive and understands she is this way but doesn't seem to want to work on it really. I know what I need to do to work on our relationship however the tightrope and lack of my needs being met suck. As much as I care about her, I care about myself more and don't want to suffer in a relationship like this. Right now she's getting everything she wants and I get scraps.
I'm going exactly through the same.. we reconnected last weekend. Had the best time ... but for how long ... although she knows she has work to do ..I've seen improvements already
My ex is very Fearful Avoidant (I am likely Anxious). Our breakup was hell and they currently have me partially blocked on social media without explanation. Despite them having some really good qualities and we had several great years together, it is likely that any future will never be possible. Understanding it all better at least helps it hurt less, so thank you for this.
@@Polly1589 we are actually reconnecting, and seeking couples therapy again. Though there remains the concern that we may have fundamental differences that are unresolvable. Can someone with Avoidant tendancies ever make their partner and relationship their priority? The book "Attached" by Dr. Levine and anything by Dr. Gottman have been HUGE eye openers.
@@ellimistk5797 Actually my ex and I are JUST starting therapy with a qualified Psychologist (someone with a PhD who can diagnose). It's been a long, exhausting ride.
@@ThePolaris87 you’re one of the few who I’ve seen that’s still been together! I guess I can congrats?! Hoping that journey with the psychologist goes well!
@@ThePolaris87nice to hear some success story I'm Anxious and ex FA I really hope like you one day she would want to really put in effort into trying again and to also deal with her unresolved trauma praying for that day and definitely gonna read that book thanks for the encouragement to not give up bro
What the fuck! Its so unfair! I would never reach out to a FA until he gives me some indirect signs to contact them. Im not stupid to run in that fucking knife again! I ended the relation ship as an anxious attached because of months of push and pull and no investment in the relationship from the fa.
1) Go numb 3-4 weeks. If they lean AA 2-3 weeks. DA 4+ weeks. Push down their feelings. Spend ton of times with friends, being really busy, avoiding feelings. They don't do it consciously. 2) After 4 weeks they start feeling their feelings, that's when they are open to reconciliation. If you go over the mark of 6 weeks they will feel rejected and hurt that the other person didn't reach out. 3) They want to feel like the other is invested, interested, cares and wants to do the work, but they want space and time too. They don't want you to push too quickly and invade their space. You have to say that you care but not be smothering and move too quickly. Create curiosity.
I just realized recently that I am a FA and am going through a divorce. My husband got tired of all my non trust issues, arguments, cold attitude, etc that he finally filed for divorce. It was while I was looking for ways to improve myself that I came across what attachment styles were. It explained so much but too late since he's done with me.
I'm not sure of how long you and your husband were together but if my FA ex really showed change and improvement I would gladly put my in all into working it out with her... but in the 3mknths post breakup she comes and goes and I can't see her actually being committed to me or anyone clearly the guys before me also
Oof. 😂 Yup. Transparency, communication and consistency is key. Building back that trust is huge - trust with self and trust with partner. I think that conversation, “what has changed” is a v necessary one for both parties... Anyone else who’s been through this, I’m so sorry. ❤️ it’s not your fault. But it is your job to reconnect with yourself and heal as best as you can. Doesn’t have to be all on your own & doesn’t have to be all at once. Just be aware of your patterns and open to doing the work. You are enough. You are worth fighting for and you are worth investing in. ❤️🌻
Thanks, Thais. Whew, I always felt complicated and so it's funny that my attachment style is the most complicated one! I find your claim that FAs have experienced the "most" trauma interesting. I don't really feel like that's true, at least not in every case. My mother is DA (with enmeshment issues, to be specific) but the magnitude of her neglect was so, so severe. I feel like her trauma was a million times worse than mine.
I wonder that all the time, I think a lot of what caused us trauma was purely emotional, on the level that having a parent with serious trauma means us as little people being around our them would have us soaking up and unconsciously carrying a lot of their emotional pain for our own. On top of the seem smallness of solid ‘actually bad’ trauma. I think of myself as a little kid just taking it all in and shoving it down, almost unaware I was experiencing such painful stuff.
I agree , maybe they say FA is most traumatized in terms of number of wounds and triggers , doesn't necessarily mean always in intensity. So a DA may feel more intensely after terrible traumas...it is a spectrum.
So true. My FA and I took a break where we were apart for around 2.5 months. He was genuinely hurt over the fact that I was gone for so long, smh. I didn't think I was gone long enough! Especially seeing as how he initiated it.
As an AP with a (probable) FA ex, I feel like the concept of the "right time" to reach out and get back together doesn't sit right. As you said in your latest videos, APs need to be able to show up for themselves before taking on any romantic relationship and healing an AP attachment isn't bound by any amount of time. It's been nearly 2 years for me and I'm JUST starting to get how to find love and happiness within me. I had tried to stay in contact with my Ex a couple months after the break up (after going no contact) but I was not ready. I wasn't ready and my AP was so activated it pushed her away again. And I still wasn't ready when she reached out again and then blew up at me 6 months after the break up. And I'm just now feeling like I'm moving into that 3rd stage of reconnecting with myself and meeting my own needs. So I guess what I'm saying/asking? I don't think this emphasis on time should matter if you're healing a unhealthy attachment style?
I read once that it could take as long as 10 years to heal an attachment. A lot of attachment wounds are healed in partnership because relational trauma is generally healed relationally. Even though you're triggering each other, you're both learning. You don't have to be completely healed yet to be back in the relationship but both people have to be aware of it and willing to work on it.
Need a vid on 2 FA’s during breakup. One being more self aware and willing to communicate, the other (him) burying himself in work and avoiding communication. I’m at the point of not caring anymore since he left me on read 3 weeks ago when I was vulnerable which is super hard for me to do. He can kick rocks most days in my mind, then other days I miss him like crazy and think a simple talk would fix everything. What to do? He’s posting where he’ll be on IG, and most are near my home or my gym, but my pride won’t allow me to pop up. Fear of rejection is debilitating
I'm in the same situation. in other times I would force myself to message him until things returned to normal but I realized that that made me ashamed of myself...so I won't do it again. He may feel hurt and rejected that I won't message him but I feel the same way. And I know that I've done enough...this one is on him. I also think he needs to be the one to make the move for his self esteem.
I'm lost right now, as I can't understand what to do. Fa aware and more secure with an unaware FA ex who broke up after 4 months, when his fears and anxiety went to the roof), I tried to talk things through but he kept saying he was just hurting me (fixable problems). Then he popped up twice for a brief stop & was still emotional, then disappeared 1 month (I wrote to him but he left me on read),then popped up again stopping in the middle of the roundabout staring at me & then left, then we had an argument face to face where he was cold, distant and kinda angry and said we want different things, then 4 days later he popped up again saying hi with his hand (I sent him a gift and a note just before the argument, saying I respected his need for space and being alone, I cared, validating his feelings) and now I've been in no contact for 2 weeks and don't know what to do...I know it's not easy but we have a great connection & he opened up to me for the first time in his life, we talked about his struggles a lot while I was seeing his fears coming up and he keeps saying that he care, even when we had that argument
Amazing information. Being predominantly secure but with an AP secondary attachment style I can see that there is going to be be a lot of fun and games with my beautiful DA in trying to get back over the next few months. She sure knows my trigger points. Just as well I don't drink. You should know that the knowledge you give out enables us partners of DA's to have a lot of empathy and compassion for them. Oh, to gaze into my DA's eyes and tell her how great she is, how I understand, how I care for her, how I want to protect her, how I want to fill up all the the love cavities, how I want to be there for her all the rest of her days. Of course being a DA that's exactly what will send her heading for the hillshe doesn't want to hear at a conscious level but desperately wants to be reassured of at a subconsciously. Boys, never a dull moment with a DA.
@@redfullmoon Maybe it sounds creepy to you but I completely understand it. It’s called a double bind where you want to help someone because you have compassion and empathy but they are also hurting you and you don’t know what to do.
I'm the FA who left, because his hypervigilance was so demeaning to me. I am a lover of learning and so my flaw in so many relationships has been the fact that I understand why somebody may be the way that they are. I then tend to give them way too many chances and way too much room and ignore my own boundaries and my own needs at the same time. The last relationship however, I felt like I went into it armed with so much more knowledge and self-awareness and I had already done so much work at least on my anxious side. I for the first time was trying to be vulnerable and really start to lean on him because I know ultimately that is what I want -- safety. But in the end he just could not handle any moments when I was not with him. I feel like I would have to change my entire life to be able to fit into the mold he needed me to be in to not worry. And I could tolerate worry but the accusations and the absolutely fabricated stories I would have to defend myself against were exhausting. As a survivor of intense trauma and hence being an FA, were extremely triggering to me. So now I'm in a scenario where he said some wild and accusational things, again, that I believe are absolutely unacceptable. But again, I believe that this is just his manifestation of his own needs. I have no idea what I should be doing here because I need to be able to stick up for myself and not allow such bad treatment. But at the same time I feel like if he was willing to do the work he could heal just as I'm trying to. It's so damn confusing and sad because I did have to block him because he can't stop himself from the ridiculous accusations and hypervigilance. And I just wish that we could talk.
I hear you. That is difficult with accusations and hypervigilance but that is coming from the anxious side where your partner/ex wanted to communicate with you and sounds like you wanted to communicated too. It doesn't excuse the behavior but your behavior was hurtful to him too. That's why these kind of relationships are difficult. I found we all are either anxious or avoidant. 'Secure' attachment is really a myth but what makes behavior more secure is that there is 1) self-awareness for your own actions and how they cause hurt, 2) being willing to put yourself in your partner/ex's shoes (if you were on the receiving end, 3) being willing to be vulnerable and describe how your partner hurt you with their actions, 4) state your needs but in a way that still give reassurance to your partner. That last one is key to understand because I am Secure leaning anxious and even thought I tried my best with my FA partner to tell her that her space needs were not a problem and even offered her space and said I still care for her, she still took it that I was trying to back-out of the relationship by having her cancel on me. It hurts but she never understand after I tried to explain that I was helping to respect her boundaries/space. Both partners have to be willing to be open minded, communicate, and see the other person's perspective - that's how trust is built. I don't think any relationship starts off with trust, it's built over time. Just like love, it's built over time. I wish you the best - if your partner/ex isn't doing the work too, then it will be difficult to have conversations. Just know he is coming at it with care, he's afraid of losing you and he's very anxious and trying to protect himself from abandonment he's being hypervigilant. Some reassurance and stating boundaries may help - but he has to do the work too...because your needs and boundaries matter as well. Good luck and I hope it works out.
I was exhausted by my ex borderline/avoidant...still unsure after 3 years how j was discarded...hearing your ways to reconnect, timing, etc. Irs just so draining...relationships shouldn't be that hard..let them bounce from next guy to next on n on..waste of energy...3 years wasted
I feel this. What sets us apart is that we tried. I am trying now to get mine back but I'm coming to the realization... why??? It's flattering to have someone trying to understand them when even they don't understand themselves. I'm tired. Really tired. Hope you're doing ok!
My ex ghosted me for a year after I broke up with him.... and when we got back in touch, I said, "did you think we would ever talk again?" and he said, "Of course" and I was like ... "Oh good, I cried into my pillow for a year but you knew all along it would be ok" - I'm still trying to reconcile my feelings.
@@sn3089 I set a boundary, he broke it. I broke up with him, expecting to have further communication - the tough kind and he ghosted me for a year instead.
I wonder where these attachment styles turn into full blown personality disorders. When you take a lot of these behaviours to the extreme you end up with someone with BPD or NPD.. they actually use their wounds to draw you in and control you. It's really hard to tell in the moment. But when they discard you and refuse to talk afterwards (like adults) you need to watch out. All of these stem from childhood issues as well.
Another attachment therapist, Alan Robarge, has a video on narcissistic wound vs narcissism. So does The Little Shaman on her channel. Both those videos talk about having a narcissistic wound from early childhood which many of us do, vs when and why that wound can instead become a personality disorder with other maladapted defenses forming around the wound preventing any vulnerability from ever getting in or out again.
@@ShawnFin As far as I understand it Borderline is really almost the same as Narcissism, just that there is actual empathy there. DA is missing the whole controlling aspects.. but as far as fear of intimacy goes it's very close.
@@hgzmatt "DA is missing the whole controlling aspects" no it depends what kind of parenting style the DA was raised with, if DA's caregivers were authoritarian or narcissistic then controlling behavior could be passed down to the DA
Attachment styles and personality disorders are two completely different things. Just like being left-handed, right handed, or ambidextrous, everyone has an attachment style: Anxious, Avoidant, or a combo of both (Fearful). But not everybody has a full blown personality disorder. They might have similar roots, but an insecure attachment doesn't create a personality disorder.
@@2KChilds I wouldn't rule anything out. Those are all concepts with which we try to understand human behaviour. And there is probably a great amount of overlap between these. Being 'secure' already rules out a lot of disordered people because they are somewhat incapable of consistent, healthy behaviours. 'Avoidant' behaviour is very common as well if you don't restrict it to inside relationships. Borderliners.. Narcissists.. they all display these behaviours, just amplified. Of course attachment styles don't create personality disorders.. they are both end results of whatever came before.
FA here. I feel like some of this info resonated and some didn't. remember it's a spectrum and also it really depends on the attachment style of the partner. i If a FA is dealing with a DA they can come off as anxious, where as if they are dealing with an anxious they can come off as DA. Secure will bring out the secure in them. So if you are an ex to an FA it will really help to know where you are at in your own attachment. I will say though, in general, as an FA I feel my emotions immediately and intensely. I do go into them and feel them to the point it engulfs me and is overwhelming. For a few weeks I'm a mess but I'll never reach out or show that. And then I come up for air and I'm done for good. If my partner doesn't reach out in the first few weeks, there's no coming back ever. Once I've processed it, I'm cold af. That's just me though so what I'm saying is ever FA is different and it can be challenging to navigate if you are the ex.
@@yamieden4350 Being an FA sucks. It takes a lot of hard work and self-awareness to change it. Now that I'm aware of my own patterns, I just don't date because it's not fair to anyone else. One day I'll be there but it's a process. Most the dudes I've been with are DA so reaching out generally makes them more avoidant, or at least that's been my experience.
Well I guess it must be very difficult. I'm actually in love with one. He broke up with me and it's been really difficult for me to process. I love him deeply. He's actually in a rebound relationship. And he's told me that he loves me and knows Im the girl for him. That we aren't happy rn, and he wants us to be. It's hard for me to process because deep down I know he means it. He recognizes there is a battle with in himself, but I know he doesn't know he is fearful avoidant, and by the time I figured it out, we aren't together. For now I am going NC. It's hard because as angry as I am with him, I miss him so much. I'm unsure of whether or not he can change, I know he thinks he's crazy. If he only can see his patterns, I'd be so willing to help him get through. But again he left me. During this breakup he's been very cold, except for the last conversation when he told me he wants to be with me. I'm so drained. So for now I'm trying to heal. I cry every day. But it is nice to get feed back from people who struggle with this. My worse fear is that his rebound and him actually hit it off, but I'm so unsure. I also can't just excuse this behavior, so I'm not sure how to even handle him if he were to come back.
@@yamieden4350 I can definitely resonate. I went through the same thing in my last relationship. The hardest part is getting your rational mind and your feeling part to cooperate. I went through the battle of knowing better yet still wanting him but knowing I shouldn't. It's hard. Being in love with an avoidant is exhausting. The sad thing with my ex was that if I was more cold and distant than him, that's when he wanted me. If I practiced secure traits toward him he'd run. I got to the point where I was like who wants to live like this? And if this is what he wants from someone, I'm going to regress big time in my healing trying to close myself off so he can be more comfortable.
My gf (almost fiance) broke up with me about three weeks ago. We have gone no contact this entire time. I have been completely crushed, especially that first week, to the point where I had to go to the doctor to get treated for a reaction (hives/rash) my body was having due to the anxiety. She is Fearful Avoidant and I am Anxious Preoccupied. The breakup came out of left field completely and was extremely abrupt. The week before she broke up with me she suggested and went and looked at engagement rings (normally I would have been freaked out in other relationships but this one feels so right, so I was 100% in). I was going out of town for a week and she said that after I returned she wanted to really go look for a ring. Well a few days before my trip, she wanted to talk. She told me that she has never felt any "Chemistry" toward me and needed to end it before it went any further. This was completely incongruent from her actions and words the entire rest of this year while we have been dating. I really do see a future with both of us. I just signed up for your courses and starting to work through my attachment style. Lets just say I thought I was pretty secure but I am coming to find out I have suppressed a lot the past 40 years and want to properly heal from it so I can be better apt to support her as she works through her FA wounds. She is an extremely hard working and very aware of her attachement style. I just want to make sure I navigate this properly without pushing her away. Everyone I talk to tells me that I need to not contact her at all and let her realize that she misses me and have her initiate the contact even if it takes months for her to do that. I have done a lot of research on both or styles of attachment and I want to make sure I do whats right for us. Not what others think I should do. But I am curious to hear others experiences with the timing and how people in similar situations made that initial contact. If anyone actually reads comments on here and would like to through out their experience or suggestions, i would love to learn more about how it played out for others. Basically I have pretty well decided I will write her a letter and mail it so she gets its around the three week mark. I will try to balance showing care/concern, my investment in her and our relationship but still recognize that going forward we will both need time and space to properly work through our own wounds. But at the same time I do want to be a support to her when she wants that support. UGHHHH this is so long (my anxious side coming out) but ya, any thought and suggestions from anyone that is still reading this. Should I wait for her to contact me (if she ever does) or should I contact her?
How did you go? Did you reach out? My story is very similar to yours, all the signs were there it was solid but she randomly pulled away after I had met all her family and we talked about going away. She broke up with me and ghosted me it's only been a week I have tried to call and message her a few times. It triggered me into panic mode now I question if it's love or a trauma bond. Everyone asked me what happened to the relationship and I was making excuses for her but in reality, I was left and ghosted with no real reason. So now I'm dealing with a lot of pain and everyday I wake up I have to process it again it's horrible. I hope you had success with your ex because sadly I don't think many people do when they leave
@@secondmindfilms7962 I haven’t contacted her for months (other than her car has randomly shown up at two different places I have been at but I didn’t actually see her at either place) Not really much to update since my last response right above your comment. On my IG I did see a video on someone else’s page that had her and her son in it and it really crushed my heart again because my first thought was “that’s my family”. When I think back I still can’t make sense of how she was able, within literally days of looking at engagement rings, to just shut off all emotions and feelings for someone that she had said and showed that she deeply loved. It was like she totally disconnected from everything she had told me she thought and felt for me. The more I learn about fearful avoidant, I realize that her behavior is almost cookie cutter textbook FA behavior and responses. But it still doesn’t help the pain and confusion that I feel. In my mind I can’t comprehend how someone can treat someone they loved like that, but on the other hand I really do feel bad for her because she obviously has some deep wounds that she is working through so that she doesn’t carry this into future relationships and I truly hope she can heal from them. It’s not far to her or for her partner(s) in the future.
She didn't like that you were going out of town . My FA broke up with ne when I went away forca week with my 80 year old neighbour who is female like me, yet it scared him lifes too short
@@csilver9625 I know you're really hurting and wanting her back, but I wanted to throw it out there that this roller-coaster isn't gonna go away if you get her back. It takes a very long time to heal an attachment. It sounds like you are a very loving partner. You deserve to be with someone who loves themselves enough to love you at the same level that you out out there, and can communicate when things get hard. Marriages are hard AF, you want a partner who can communicate with you.
That’s just sick. To break up with someone and then feel *rejected* after they went away *because you told them to.* Someone like that has no business dating at all Take responsibility for your own feelings of smothered and so on, instead of looking for a perfect mind reader.
Your comment is really void of compassion and if you could walk a mile in someone’s shoes that has fearful attachment and feel the intense overpowering emotions we feel when we perceive a betrayal or rejection, I don’t think you’d be so calloused. It feels absolutely horrible. We deserve love too. FAs don’t let yourself or anyone else make you feel like you “have no business dating.”
Agreed. You’re allowed to have your opinion just like everyone else here. Unless you’ve been the victim of an FA others don’t understand. Don’t get into a relationship until you’ve moved out of the attachment style through self work. Otherwise you can destroy others just to save yourself. Everyone experiences traumatic events but there’s no need to cause traumatic events in other peoples lives because you haven’t done the work. I would think that might make more avoidants which I assume no one desires to be.
@@libertygates4944 FA's cause tons of trauma to the person they leave in limbo and confusion. No FA's really don't deserve everyone else adjusting to them. I get being empathetic, but it shouldn't be at the cost of someone else. FA's are toxic. Just as toxic as a narcissist or someone with BPD. Its incredibly debilitating and ends often in self loathing being with an avoidant.
Everything is so complicated. Just knowing that every relationship can bring out a different aspect of me. I try to study all the types a little. I think I am a FA in this relationship. We broke up a few days ago and I most def am looking for some grounding
Being preoccuupied or dismissive is a oping strategy when you feel under threat and have that underlying fear of intimacy. Therefore you can be dismissive in some situations or with certain people, and preoccupied with others as that underlying fear is there. Foe sure people have a foundational attachment style but its not a be all and end all, you can have a mixture of everything
@@yazzy1979 there Is a RUclipsr who I watch called psychology in Seattle who’s a therapist and reacts to reality tv. He’s really good and often talks abit traumas and attachment. Check him out. It’s really therapeutic to watch :)
My FA ex that I still love keeps blocking and unblocking me and coming back and forth. This time he’s had me blocked for 3 1/2 weeks and reached out, but didn’t show up to meet me and I was blocked again. Do FAs block ppl a lot?
It sounds like he might be stuck in a cycle of feeling rejection and paranoid guilt. He probably blocks you because his paranoid FA brain has made him think that you don't truly love him and secretly want to be rid of him which makes him feel rejected. He then rejects you back by ghosting you and convinces himself he's doing you both a favor for it. After a while of no contact, he starts to regret his decision and reaches back out. But he feels guilty deep down for putting you through that for no good reason. So then his paranoid FA brain becomes convinced that you're really angry at him and want to be rid of him, regardless whether or not you've actually expressed anger. He then becomes convinced that he's doing you both a favor by ghosting you again, and the cycle continues. The only thing I can think of for you to break this cycle is to confront him with his worst fear; your anger. You have to call him out for his behavior and let him know that what he's doing is unacceptable, but don't do it in an unhinged, screaming manner. That would only trigger him further. Be calm, but firm in your position. The idea is to let him know that it's okay if you're upset with him, because it's not the end of the world, nor does it mean that you don't want him anymore. Unfortunately, this isn't guaranteed to work, so you have to walk into this confrontation prepared for the worst. And if he does ghost you again and continue the cycle, then you have to do the hardest part and walk away. Because the truth is, he really is hurting you both a lot with this cycle of behavior, and you shouldn't put up with it. At that point, he's clearly more interested in being "safe" than improving himself, so it's clear that you should be prioritizing your own mental well-being over his, and the best things you can do for yourself is to walk away and begin your healing journey.
Question: Why am I getting more and more and more avoidant the older I get? I think I started out pretty anxious and with every failing relationship and friendship I became more avoidant. Now I can't even identify with this video anymore whereas I reacted 100% like you describe in your DA video on that topic. Can attachment styles get updated based on new learnings (read: trauma)?
Due to what you described that happened prior. Same as if a child tries to anxiously seek for years for the parents love and doesn't receive it, at some point it will likely develop some coping mechanism to deal w the negligence/dismissal/emotional unavailability of the parents. Same with partners. Had similar experience, primarily w parents who were completely unavailable, irresponsible and just out of my life so at some point I unconsciously adapted to that
I became much more DA, after getting out of a relationship with a very controlling, and volatile person. I think I just didn’t want anyone to come in, and disrupt my world so much again.
It took me about an hour to completely fall apart, and I walked out on her (not bragging, it sucked). I cried for three days. It was horrible and I never did that with anyone else. What you said was accurate except for this last one. Then I dysregulated and just started researching, reading book after book, watching videos and anything and everything I can do to "level" out from these feelings. I joined support groups, am doing mindfulness, a little yoga, acupressure, just anything to change the FA living inside me. She's gone I understand, but next time I want to be better b/f.
can someone please give me advice. a special male friend of mine for almost 10 months push me away and said he didn't want to hear from me and that he'd reach out when he was ready to talk. I responded back and said well goodbye for then I felt like I needed to bow out of your life completely and give you space I won't contact you again. I just feel like he might be feeling very abandoned but I had to do what was best for me and I was respecting his wishes also
I want u near but not far but when u get too far I'm angry and now u didn't want me enough so ill push u away even further. If you are too close u need to back off because u will hurt me. Ya we're complicated. But just know it's not u it's our fears of falling in love and being abandoned.
It's funny but it's true. The more I love you, the more it will hurt when you leave. Anything that feels perfect just can't last because in my life nothing good has ever lasted. And I can't explain this to you because you will think I'm not good enough for you, so you will leave...which was inevitable. It's fine, I can take care of myself because nobody has ever taken care of me. I don't like that I think this way, but it's very hard not to.
Lol! Fa will totally blindside you out of the blue for no reason, call you every name in the book, tell you you're worthless and then feel rejected when you don't reach out? The fa person is totality at fault and needs to get help or stay away from realationships!
@@dianneciresi6324 , you don't have a secondary per se. But because fearful types are combination of both anxious and avoidant they generally "lean" one direction or the other more often. I personally lean more anxious usually.
I was dating the same FaDa & found out I was the rebound during the time he was either separated or broke up with his ex gf. Not sure if he was playing us or just playing me. Saw he was still in communication with her on Fb. Told mr he didn't want to be in a relationship or a bf with no intentions if getting married for a 3rd x. He ended up ghosting when he decided to go back to seeing the ex. So this doesn't apply to me.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool how many weeks will they shut down if they felt rejected after they come back within 4 weeks? My FA bf came back within 1 month in October , but I was not 100% healed , I was damaged by his past words, deeds. But I showed my love in distance . He said not to msg him, expect love + marriage, to block him in September , but in Oct-Dec he was desperately expecting me to msg 1st. But I didnt understand as I cant read his mind ,I was afraid to msg. Then end of Dec he jumped to a rebound (still in) , assuming I rejected him for a simple word in my social media . I msgd him in Jan & went NC. Then he missed me so since March , reaching out indirectly ,msgn tru friends & he came to see me to my work plc for an event. But no text or chat yet. As he is a FA aftr 3 months NC ,I sent a bday gift with a long msg on his bday this month, but no single reply, but shows he read it (in past he stays as didnt read) .Now he is so afraid to hurt me, lose me, even when I move on from social media or from him, I understood it from what he did. Now Im in NC again. Thats Y I asked this question :(
Over a month ago ended (not officially but I think it's the end) my long distance relationship of couple of months, I have been bing watching videos on attachment styles videos and self healing of abandonment issues etc. I don't work at the moment so I have plenty of free time, but I feel like I don't have really free time to enjoy, cuz when I am not doing things around house I am watching videos on self improvement and attachment styles and feminine approach to dating etc. so I guess my question is: Can trying really hard to self heal and self improve by watching videos (I can't afford therapy) be a form of self abandonment? I now I 've been always like this, if it wasn't me being into psychology, it was Law of attraction in the past, it's like I feel I am always trying to fix myself and I can't enjoy watching a movie or go on a walk, because I feel like it's more beneficial for me first to "fix" my attachment style in order to be successfull in life, it's this mentality that I am not ready yet, and if I don't work on my mental health to become securely attached ASAP that I am basically wasting time. Does anybody else relate? Is this type of thinking typical for anxious attachment or fearfull avoidant attachment style?
I think feeling like something is wrong with you that needs to be fixed before you are “ready” sounds consistent with the fearful attachment strategy. But no one is ever truly ready for life. And we have to interact with others to grow so don’t shut down connection entirely out of fear.
Yes I really heavily to everything you’ve said. I put so much importance on fixing myself but I think it’s just in order to go back to that concept of attaching to someone and not being abandoned. It’s crazy this whole thing. I am AP and just had to let go of my FA boyfriend of 15 months last night. We’ve been going in a downhill spiral forever and no matter how I would beg and plead for my basic needs to be met, he just does not show change and I have betrayal trauma because I think he’s actually also a sex addict, though I don’t know if he’s ever physically cheated on me. It’s mental torture on a daily basis because he will not open up about that or even really confirm or deny it. He says he will talk to his therapist about it but yet hasn’t made an appointment with his therapist for months now. He’s also an alcoholic in the middle of a divorce. My entire life has been turned upside down. To make matters even worse, I have CPTSD and he was my first boyfriend in high school 34 years ago. I do feel strongly that I have a subconscious bond to him that is keeping me in a trauma bond now. I don’t think that I can continue with him because he has texted a few women and I cannot be sure what his intentions were, behind my back. I really feel that if he’s in love with me and simply wants to be with me, even during an alcoholic relapse he would not be looking for female attention in any capacity outside of our relationship like that especially after the pornography and other things that I’ve repeatedly found on his devices. We’ve had many, many discussions about it and I have ended up having to lecture him which is not even who I want to be. I’ve also caught him at a massage parlor three (!) times, total of 5 visits and those are just the ones I caught on Venmo… one in person (😢) paying 3 times the cost of a normal massage. each time he was in a relapse and swears to God that nothing inappropriate happened whatsoever and he was just being very generous with his payment, but that’s quite hard to believe when it happens more than once. It’s absolute mental and emotional torture. I know it and he knows it. I do think he actually loves me but I don’t think his concept of love could be the same as mine if he’s able to treat me the way that he does. I am so incredibly brokenhearted. I feel like I will never ever get over this or recover from it no matter how much learning and healing I attempt to do.
Yes I feel the same - almost as if what’s the point in doing life before I’ve healed this and this and this - because I want to avoid repeating the same patterns - so I am always trying to grow and heal so that I am getting somewhere - and I have this underlying feeling that I’m not good enough and I’ve not done enough and I just want to do it all now!!!!! So that I am healed… but it’s about balance - we have to have balance in our life - apparently that’s one way to heal our FA attachment style. 🤍
these ppl are ridiculous. mine dumped me. I took it like a champ (though I was heartbroken- didn't show it). Thanked him for the great times. Then he called me crying 2 days later and was like why didn't you fight for me. Meanwhile, he broke up saying he wasnt ready for a relationship...and bc I loved him I respected that. Talk about head game city!
@@LizaLavolta I am an FA. If they break up then ask why didnt you fight for them its because they broke up with you thinking you didnt want them. Like they were doing you a favor. And not fighting for them reinforces that truth in their mind. I broke up with my DA not brcause I wanted to but because I thought he hated me. Then I reached out to him 1-2 weeks later asking him what did I do to make him not want to be with me (trippy I know since I broke up with him). The FA is a pendulum in my mind there is a constant "am I a good person or bad person?" ...."this person thinks I am bad, I should leave. If they think I am good, then they will tell me. If they think I am bad they will let me go." Then person doesnt reach out then we think "I am bad. Why does this person hate me so much? Why dont they love me". Even tho I broke it off, my mind saw it as I was broken up with. I tell ppl all the time "Ive never technically been broken up with. I am the one who ends up walking away. But in reality I have been broken up with by everyone because I left cause they didnt want me". It is very confusing to hear but imagine jow confusing it is being me. Lol. There is alot of pain in loving someone and also feeling like they dont love you (even if its imagined). I was physically abused when younger and in situations where I needed a safety net, I was chastized instead.
@@courtneythompson8139 your response is very very helpful for anyone on the receiving end of a breakup. My FA leaning DA ex broke up with me 3 times in 4 years. As an AP that touched a HUGE abandonment/rejection wound. Now to hear that the FA dumper actually feels rejected..which is why they dump in the first place....mind blowing!
My ex is an FA, he broke up with me and 2 weeks after he moved out of our apartment, he tells me he’s in a new relationship and he’s very happy. How does that fit into this timeline?
He's probably in the numbing phase of the cycle and hasn't properly dealt with his feelings. Two weeks is a really short time to find a happy new relationship, after all. Did he tell you this out of the blue, or did you ask him about it? Also, when he ended things, did you gracefully accept it was over and leave him be, or did you actively fight to keep the relationship intact? I'm only asking these things because I'm curious about what his motivations are.
@@AD-dg3zz it was out of the blue. We still had to see each other because we signed a lease and he continued to help me with the rent. When he left I cried and I fought that day but I let him be. (He’s done this before,the running away) The day he told me I had asked him to get coffee and talk about things, that’s when he said he was seeing someone else.
@@karlazapata6478 I see, so he's likely telling you this out of the blue because he's angry with you for not continuing to fight for the relationship. The reason he broke up with you in the first place is probably because his paranoid FA brain convinced him that you didn't actually want to be with him, leading him to feel rejected for no good reason. He secretly wants you to keep fighting for the relationship to prove that his suspicions were wrong. But you respecting his boundaries and not actively pursuing him is just triggering him further and making him feel even more rejected and vindicated in his paranoia. It's really backwards, I know. I think the best thing you can do for him is gently but firmly confront him about his unacceptable and hurtful behavior, and be prepared to walk away from him for good if he continues the cycle anyway.
@@AD-dg3zz He continued to be hostile and hurtful over the continuing months since I wrote this. Now we are at the point where I’m working on my Anxious Attachment and thanks to that I walked away from him for good. It was a total of 3 years of rollercoaster relationship and I had enough. I’ve asked him numerous times to pick up his things from the apartment and he’s always got an excuse not to.I feel like he still doesn’t believe it’s over. But it is. For my own mental health.
I had that exact moment after four weeks, but wasn't able to navigate that situation and now she seems to have an positive pullback where she always looks like I rejected her, while I tried to build trust.
I'm an FA; after my breakup, I immediately started working on improving myself and understanding myself and my wounds, like not even a day after so 10:15 Thais is right. It might be because I'm leaning anxious idk. And yes, I've been switching between I want my ex back or I don't need him, depending on my emotional state but I guess that's normal regardless of attachment style, or is that an FA trait? hot and cold?
I think that could be normal for anyone if you're feeling heightened emotions, but especially an FA. Whatever you feel when you're calm is probably right. When I'm calm, I know my ex isn't the guy for me. I'm FA too. Trust your intuition.
@@callisto744 yes, you're absolutely right! I'm practising delaying my reaction, rather thinking it through, calming down and returning to the matter and it truly makes a big difference, even tho it might sound like a small thing to others
Everybody experiences ambivalence to some degree. If you're FA, actively experiencing ambivalence without manipulatively acting out on it by demonstrating hot-and-cold behavior, could be proof of an important step towards developing more security. You can of course still reach out to your ex if you want to and feel safe enough to be with you and your feelings.
FA here. I had same thing first 10 month of NC and now 1 y and 4 m later I finally found peace and let go situation. I still think about ex but I don’t have any resentment or anger or ruminations. I think it’s about accepting yourself fully as you are with mistakes you feel ashamed about and find a way not being ashamed of it but nursing it. We both created that invalid relationships. It gave us (at least me) a lesson and I became soooooo much happier with myself after I stopped beating myself up and being ashamed of myself for my reactions. Therapy helped me a lot. Education is good for gaining insight but long term therapist will become your safe place where you come for healthy feedbacks and create a healthy bond so one day therapist’s voice become your internal voice when you soothe yourself on your own.
I doubt that my FA ex misses me, she insantly had a new guy the same day we broke up. She broke up with me though instagram and then deleted her account so that I cannot reach out to her at all.
So me and my ex gf have been split for 5 weeks now we connected a few times but I'm now a week into no contact and everyday is getting better, she wanted to remain friends which I declined, we had a really good relationship just ended a bit wierd, she's asked if im dating etc all that stuff, she's now on tiktok making a lot of videos probally seeking validation but I'm not giving in she can see what it's like to be without me im not perfect but we was good together its a massive shame she even said its a waste not to be friends I said I cannot sorry and that was it, is she deactivating by going on social media to hide her true feelings?
If a FA is split from a DA, and the DA wants space, what do you suggest the FA tell self so they can accept DAs space? If DA doesn’t give timeline to talk again, what can FA say self talk to soothe? If FA gets angry, does it come across as selfish to the DA partner? How can FA explain this behavior?
So my FA leaning AP ex sent a Snapchat with no caption after 2 weeks. I replied, but didn’t lean in so to speak and ended the conversation fairly premature by reacting to their response opposed to continuing the conversation to a caring message from them by just hearting it. Would this be seen as a form of them trying to reconcile or breadcrumb and by me doing this would make them feel rejected despite them breaking up with me from feeling overwhelmed by the situation? My POV would be that they would have to make more effort if they wanted to reconcile, but is their way of putting feelers out and wanting me to lead as they don’t want to feel vulnerable? Any advice Thais 🙏🏻 this is 1 week post this.
not necessarily. reaching out is a huge gamble, regardless of attachment type. it's best to respect your ex's wishes, and give them the breakup. if your ex misses you, they'll reach out, and it can take time. i recommend Craig Kenneth or Lee Wilson videos, if you're having difficult moments.
@@adamwood87 April will be a year. She’s reached out a couple times, mostly negative.. but I kept my cool until the most recent time where I finally blew up and pointed out how I’ve treated her vs how she’s treated me. But in October she was open to meeting up but when I flirted she shut back down so it didn’t happen.
@@deputy5476 damn, that sounds aggravating. i've been in no contact for five months, and i understand how the hurt can build during that time. sometimes you have to pump the breaks.
How long before I contact my fa ex? I’m an ap. We were in a relationship for five years and he texted me it was over and he blocked me immediately. I did text him through Instagram and he never even read it. I told him I wanted to work on whatever was wrong since it felt out of the blue. But he hasn’t gotten back to me. I haven’t messaged for two weeks and it’s been a month since the breakup. What do I do?
What if I waited too long with no contact with my FA and we reconnected but he wanted to see me without committment and he was still angry about the No Contact and did not trust me. He had feelings of abandonement. When I refused to see him becuase he could not agree we should be working towards rekindling/relationship potential he has now ghosted me. Is there any repair w/o me loosing my dignity and power?
If he doesn't want to work for the new commitment and keep it casual it will just be grueling for you and for all you know it's because hes keeping his options open
The one I talk to that I suspect is FA even told me if I don't hear from her for a few days, that it's ok to check in and message her, "Hi, I haven't heard from you for a bit, just seeing if everything is ok and I'm here if you need or want to talk". then she told me that saying things like, "our conversations have changed", "we don't talk like we used to" etc. doesn't want to make her talk more, it makes her want to talk less because it makes her feel like she's being pressured. So if she's giving me advise on how to message her if I feel she's being distant, at least she's trying to help somewhat.
My ex and I dated almost 4 years, and even thought we built great memories, she was both toxic and an Avoidant. It has been two years now since the breakup, and over the last year or so, she calls but hangs up. She has even left two messages, but not directed at me, kind of like she mistakingly dialed my number. Just wondering what it means... Anyways, thanks for the Advice
She's trying to catch your attention without admitting it. She's probably seeking the high of you reaching back to her "spontaneously" I would not trust her as if she wanted to get back with you in a healthy way she wouldn't act like that.
She may have been in the middle of a break up with someone else and was tryng all sorts of self soothing and toe testing a re-bound dopamine hit while in yet another sort of spiral with yet another dysfunctional relationship go.
What if they (FAs) say they love you and they want to be with you but it doesn't seem like try at all (but say they are) and threaten to break up a few times a week?
I wish there was some constructive thoughts on this in the comments because my ex says the same thing, it’s confusing because he does show he loves me but then gets in this mood where I feel. Like I’m invisible to him for a week or so,. He says I don’t believe he loves me and that’s not entirely true. Or he says he don’t believe I love him. So freaking confusing.
If you figure out someone is Fearful Avoidant walk away and don't look back. You will be bending to keep these fickle people around until your back breaks. Life is too short
I'm just curious, in the beginning it says F.A's tend to avoid and be numb for the first 2 or 4 weeks. What attachmentstyle would it be if the the first response you have is to shut out responsibilities and isolate just so you can be sad and feel everything intensely? Probably A.A? Why? Lol if anyone knows feel free to respond!
Deff A.A!! I’m an A.A and the first week or two I can’t work I can’t do anything. Im addicted to the gym and I can’t even do that. All’s I do is lay in bed, feel the pain and grieve.
For the 90 day challenge, on March 1st you would refer to the PDS Course Guide in the Resource library of the school (also located in the PDS 101 course) and complete the first 6 courses related to your attachment style (if you have already completed some or all, move onto the next in sequence, or add ones that resonate with your growth. Just ensure you are working on 6 total). -Attend 2 live webinars/week and connect with the community -Complete all the workbooks within 6 courses. -PDS team member
But... he told me he wanted space and time... and I told him I love him. He said we could maybe try out in the furure and a month later he changed his mind completely its so fucking confusing???
He got scared. I hate to say this as half secure/half anxious FA, but you can’t trust a thing a FA says after a break up. We don’t know what we want or how we feel. All other attachment styles are way more clear in this.
FA's who dont do this? I usually have weighed my options so carefully before Initiate a break up. I may do it abruptly and intensely but I am never going back.
Hi, how to / when to contact FA if they've blocked u on social media and whatsapp? I have the email and Ph number but I don't want to be too desperate. Also should I wait for her or should I take the initiative?
What can we do if we missed the mark (example: didn't reach out for more than 4 weeks) and FA has become uneasy or shutdown to reconnect or open the lines of communication? How much time should we give and how often should we try to reach out?
Broke up almost 8 months ago with FA with Anxious lean. I told him I felt that I had wasted my time in relation to going to his home country to spend time with him (we were LDR). Didnt get in touch after that, but he blocked me anyway. Im wondering why. :(
probably. If he was saying these things rather than doing them, he was probably testing you because he was feeling insecure. But then those types of comments are not acceptable, so they can't happen anymore.
For FAs, is it better for them to reach out to us or us reach out to them? I don't want to scare them away as they lead dismissive but I also want to re-engage the conversation. I know he misses me based off of things I'm noticing and want to know if he will reach out or if I do, will that jeopardize everything I've gone through so far?
If they're dismissive and you're FA, that could be a toxic relationship for you and I would avoid it. The anxious in you is getting triggered by their avoidant. If your ex is secure or anxious, you'll probably be triggered in the opposite way and you won't want to chase them lol. Even though they are probably good for you. In that case I would reach out. The secure thing to do is basically just say what you mean while also respecting yourself and your own needs. If they were good to you, be honest with them about exactly how you're feeling, which could include your fears. The book "non-violent communication" might be a good read for you to build that skill. But be careful about chasing toxic people if they haven't been good to you.
well after 4 years, living for 2 my avoidant ex seemed to move on quick. I was moving out my things from the apartment and I found out they screwed someone only 2 1/2- 3 weeks...so best to stay they are doing just fine..😓
Its funny how if you don’t love the person and they make it hard for you to leave them completely because you care for them as a person , and don’t want to hurt them so you see them 2-3 times a month , then you can be labeled FA or DA … the truth is your attachment style can be anxious for the person you do have real romantic feelings for if you’re unsure how they feel … Do people in all relationships usually have one attachment style ?
Wierd. I feel this "describes" my situation to a tee. However, I haven't been in a relationship for years. So, I'm gonna watch this, but later, like 1month later. Thanks. I also knew another woman who gave great advice, but sometimes I couldnt/wouldn't listen to her great advice bc it was highly unsolicited and felt like a breach of privacy. I'll check this out in a month.
@@bernadettemeade7259 1) Emotional Mastery and Belief Reprogramming Course 2) Discover, Embrace and Fulfill Your Personal Needs 3) Healthy and Passionate Relationships after Emotional Pain (Re-programming the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style) 4) Advanced Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style Course: Your Guide to Thrive in the 6 Stages of a Relationship 5) Setting Boundaries to End Compulsive People-Pleasing & Create Authentic Connections 6) Reparenting Your Inner Child to Transcend Attachment Trauma 7) Release Resentment from Relationships & Learn to Truly Forgive 8) Overcoming Unworthiness by Understanding and Accepting Your Shadow 9) Healthy Balance in Relationships: Ending Codependency & Enmeshment 10) Conflict Resolution: Speaking Up & Steps to Healthily Resolve Relationship Challenges 11) How a Securely Attached Person Shows up in Each of the 6 Stages of a Relationship 12) Principles & Tools for Reprogramming the Subconscious Mind 13) Eliminate Your Inner Guilt & Shame to Access Your Full Potential -PDS team member
As a FA, after a "break up" or let me say when I get rejected or ghosted... MY WHOLE WORLD comes crashing down. I have to do so much mental and emotional work to not fall apart because my mind ruminates and thinks of all the reasons why this person left me. It's horrible and something I wouldn't wish on anyone. It takes me a while to let go because I experience A LOT of what you are saying... The numbing, the questioning, escapism, driving for long distance... I will eventually calm and then start this rampage for self-improvement. Either way... break ups are really hard for me.
Get outta my head girllllll🤣
I could’ve written this myself.
October 10th I was ghosted after having a whirlwind romance.
I’m still beating myself up baaaaaad.
I really appreciate your comment Karen💖
This is exactly me as well
Me to a T
Seriously I could've wrote this too! I get it girl! Currently dealing with it and trying to figure out reconciliation but mind is stir crazy!
Yes, right there with you :(
FAs are the goldilocks of relationships, they want the temperature of the relationship just right and to their own taste, your sensitivity to their mood has to be as finely tuned as a lazer, knowing when to be hot and when to be cold. Don't blame yourself - until they find balance, see their patterns and take ownership of their behaviour to others it will always play out this way. They have to do the work on patterns and problems - as we all do.
Ouch. But, I understand. Healing progressive open FA here.
I dated a FA for 2 years...they were some if the best times I've ever had, but also some of the most turbulent times as well. The hot/cold and push/ pull dynamic is so exhausting and quite frankly unhealthy. I eventually ended it because of this... FA's are wonderful people but the unresolved wounds from their childhood occasionally bubble to the surface, and out if nowhere they will deactivated and shut down, causing their partner to question what they've done wrong? This also causes emotional strife and tremendous pain... if you're thinking of entering into a relationship with an FA, fasten your seat belt.
I need to let my FA ex go. He was one of my best friends but also brought me immense sadness. In the end I don't think it was worth it. Please let them go especially if you're an AP like me.
Or better yet, just avoid avoidant altogether.
😢
Why did you give up?
@@Riccomobs For the reasons he stated. I went through the same thing with my undiagnosed FA. The frequent hot/cold....Silent Treatments, breakup makeups, walking on eggshells afraid to trigger them. You're basically dating an adult who has the maturity level of a 14 year old.
I put EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING into trying to get our relationship to work. She was her worst enemy, the final straw as her standing me up for a concert hours before the concert.
I fell for an FA and I fell hard, I took my time and gave her space. I quickly saw the attachment style and invested time to learn and work with her. Ultimately I made a grand gesture of taking her away for a weekend and it completely overwhelmed her to shut down. Paralysis by analysis and she pulled away. I’m no expert but communication is key and you must be careful to pick your spots. It sounds like a lot of work but she was worth it and I believe that FA’s have an amazing amount of love to give if only they could trust themselves. She never came back and i learned to prioritize my needs as well. Good luck to all the anxious preoccupied here trying hard to love a fearful avoidant… please tell me a story of success ! Does the dog ever catch his tail?
Thanks for your input. Kind of in the same boat here, especially the whole "falling hard" part. The woman i was talking to was such a homebody that I never read more into that. Anyways, I'm 1 week and some days of NC. In your experience, are FA's the type to eventually reach back out?
@@avenuempire One of mine reached out after 1,5 years , other one couple months later. It varies a lot , the 1,5 years had a lot of experiences and came back because she had a lot of bad experiences, people called her out and seeked me out to ask about , i confirmed it and that was it she then wanted to be friends.
Because im an AP and my traumas are much more revolving around abandonment its much harder to know when do i get triggered and what constitutes as abandonment , therefore even in friendships i can get triggered easily so i had to go no contact because at the time the fear of the unkown and that i can get triggered any time just paralized the shit out of me.
There is also the parent/child situation in which if i become the child thats when the anxious reassurance comes out, maybe my partner smothered me and it was not what i expected etc but im currently working on this stuff
I’m anxious preoccupied and I’m dealing with this now. It’s not easy :(
I'm anxious and no. It's not going well lol
Pietro, I truly appreciate the kindness in which you describe FA. My ex used to say similar things about me a FA. Unfortunately, I don’t have a happy ending for you. I ended things. I miss him so much, but I don’t want to hurt him with my hot and cold behavior. Good luck to you ❤
3:00 start
3:40 distract themselves with hobbies, work, friends to avoid dealing with their feelings
3:20 after 2.5 weeks, if they lean toward anxious, then they start missing their partner & more willing to work on it.
If it’s 6 weeks, then the FA feels rejected/ hurt bc the partner doesn’t reach out. They shut down their feelings bc they feel rejected.
6:20 is the right person for me? How can I show up for myself? Are they willing to work on the relationship? Don’t chase.
8:20 FA don’t want to be pushed into a decision. You can’t be too smothering, move slowly, be patient, show up, show you care but not be disinterested.
Does the FA ex feel rejected if they are the one who initiated the break up?
I’m a FA and it’s hell in relationships. You’re so emotionally fragile and desperate for understanding and love but can’t seem to get your anxiety out of your way.
NC needs to be indefinite for FA’s. No 30 days or 45 days. People who are dumpers no matter what the attachment style is, will be repulsed by you making contact. They’ll assume the worst, which is you’re waiting around for them and haven’t moved on and no one else wants you. Never treat them like they are some kind of prize. The only way to change the power dynamics in a breakup is to grow your life up so substantially that they have no choice but to come back and AT LEAST be curious as to why you’re all of sudden so successful and attractive. And honestly by that point…you probably won’t even want them anymore. Especially when this kind of growth changes your frequency and you’ll attract new/better partners that are harmoniously resonating with your secure state.
So if you find yourself constantly attracting DAs or FAs understand that it’s because you don’t actually heal why you’re attracted to them in the first place.
Damn this comment is so on point. Not easy for me to hear right now, but exactly what I needed to hear.
Best comment so far so true these people are draining changing your frequency is absolutely necessary to attract higher vibrational people. If they don’t seek professional help it’s pointless revisiting this relationship doing so will only make you psychologically damaged and emotionally unavailable for possibly making a much healthier connection with someone else
Involving yourself with an FA /DA be prepared to live in their one sided world
There sure are a lot of avoidants out there so let’s not blame the people looking for a healthy relationship while wading through the mostly unhealed and toxic dating pool.
Im currently traumatized because my FA suddenly left me without saying a word and ghosted me since. Im AP, we lived together, im
Going through the hardest time and Greatest pain Ive ever had. Living is a fight currently
Hey how are you doing?
Just want you to know that Jesus loves you!! He wants to heal your hurt
These people should come with a hand book!
Fight for them after rejecting me. Better go to the hell
@Amy L Exactly. Heartless and self-absorbed
I did it for a DA. Love is powerful. Just saying.
The path to insanity.
You keep mentioning that we should reach out to a fearful avoidant so he does not feel rejected but if he did not want to commit why would I reach out ? Shouldn’t he reach out when he decides that he wants to commit?
I have a solution. Don't get involved with one. They're toxic af
As a FA that can't connect with people, I agree.
Don't stand on your head for anyone countless number of times which is never enough for the fa. It's their connection with their inner being that they need to become more intimate and trusting and loving with. Otherwise just let them go cause they will forever be projecting their disconnectedness onto you. No win for either if u put up with this
YEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Sorry an FA hurt you but this is about childhood wounds not our connectedness to God or an “inner being.”
@@libertygates4944 I’m fairly certain this person is referring to emotional and self awareness. Not God.
@@jessd956 “inner being” is a new age reference, maybe you’re not familiar with it
@@libertygates4944 They are referring to their "inner landscape." Your relationship to your own self.
6:27 Think about if this is the right person for me. Is this person open to work on the relationship. How can we break the pattern. Don’t overgive. Don’t chase. Don’t give away yourself.
I keep saying I finally let go of the avoidant person. Idk if he'll reach out but 4 years of me chasing after someone who needs this type of work and won't allow time for me to get close to him is exhausting. I miss him dearly but our relationship is repetitive and hasn't made progress in 4 yrs. I'm not up for it anymore. I'm secure attachment and I waited hopelessly for nothing. God gives us free will....so I let him go.
Yes. Gotta let him go for your own emotional well being.
👋 FA here and I honestly feel like both anxious and avoidant so I don't really lean more to one just yoyo back and forth. I relate to this so much and even hearing Thais talk about it my head hurts because it is such strong feelings that can be easily triggered. Hope that the work I put in will help me become more secure and not live in such a chaotic place in my mind.
I am the same; have been trying to figure out which way I lean,but honestly its just bouncing back and forth. Glad you mentioned this as I was almost becoming frustrated for not being able to figure it out 😅🤣
@@ribbonsbows1358 we are just a little 🤏 complexed 😅 my ex keeps trying to start things up again and I feel both like I don't want to get back together and I do, and it's so hard because I recognize now that the so called gut feeling of knowing someone isn't right for you isn't so black and white when you lived through so much trauma.
Good luck on your journey and thanks for reaffirming I'm not the only one who feels this way 🤗
@@sarahwoods1990how did he reconnect? Or did you initiate?
They need to grow up and become mature adult, life is always about give and take it all comes down to respect , if u respect ur partner u respect their feelings
2:45
Thank you 🙏
🙏🙏thankyou
Thank you
As an AP I did everything I could to change my FA fwb of almost a year into a real relationship. He said he wanted one the first month we were together but changed his mind to be fwb. I did everything I could to communicate and keep him comfortable with things. He stopped seeing me in person after a while but kept texting me every other day. Finally I got upset after he ignored me for a few days. He said he didn't owe me anything and blocked me on everything. I apologized because he was right that we weren't technically in a relationship but I valued him. We haven't spoken in two weeks. I think he's gone forever. He's almost 30 and definitely gets depressed and lonely. But I don't think he'll ever come back. He's too prideful at the same time for that. I have to remind myself that he lost a patient, kind, and loving friend that would've done anything to make it up to him. It's his loss and I need to find someone who will actually value me and not string me along for a year just to drop me like trash.
Please read the book attached! It will make you feel better and hopefully point you towards a partnership that actually has good things to offer you lol.
The sad fact I have learned the hard way, which includes hurting other people is: We can't change another person. We can only work on ourselves.
I misread what you wrote as "he is a lost patient". But I think that is what actually true😄
Omg, I randomly came back to this comment. Thank you to everyone who liked and commented. It means a lot to see support even after this much time has passed.
@@mfe7073 Thank you! I am very interested in new reading material to help self heal
I'm relatively secure with a hint of anxious during breakup. I broke up with my fa and we are bouncing back and forth. In the beginning of our reconciliation she was at a low point and I was able to introduce some of this attachment theory. She's receptive and understands she is this way but doesn't seem to want to work on it really. I know what I need to do to work on our relationship however the tightrope and lack of my needs being met suck. As much as I care about her, I care about myself more and don't want to suffer in a relationship like this. Right now she's getting everything she wants and I get scraps.
That's crap. I feel that way too. How's it going now?
I'm going exactly through the same.. we reconnected last weekend. Had the best time ... but for how long ... although she knows she has work to do ..I've seen improvements already
Exactly, they are willing to come back but never want to work.
I love the word “nonnegotiable”
My ex is very Fearful Avoidant (I am likely Anxious). Our breakup was hell and they currently have me partially blocked on social media without explanation. Despite them having some really good qualities and we had several great years together, it is likely that any future will never be possible. Understanding it all better at least helps it hurt less, so thank you for this.
@@Polly1589 we are actually reconnecting, and seeking couples therapy again. Though there remains the concern that we may have fundamental differences that are unresolvable. Can someone with Avoidant tendancies ever make their partner and relationship their priority? The book "Attached" by Dr. Levine and anything by Dr. Gottman have been HUGE eye openers.
@@ThePolaris87hey you have an update by chance?
@@ellimistk5797 Actually my ex and I are JUST starting therapy with a qualified Psychologist (someone with a PhD who can diagnose). It's been a long, exhausting ride.
@@ThePolaris87 you’re one of the few who I’ve seen that’s still been together! I guess I can congrats?! Hoping that journey with the psychologist goes well!
@@ThePolaris87nice to hear some success story I'm Anxious and ex FA I really hope like you one day she would want to really put in effort into trying again and to also deal with her unresolved trauma praying for that day and definitely gonna read that book thanks for the encouragement to not give up bro
What the fuck! Its so unfair! I would never reach out to a FA until he gives me some indirect signs to contact them. Im not stupid to run in that fucking knife again! I ended the relation ship as an anxious attached because of months of push and pull and no investment in the relationship from the fa.
These videos are so helpful. Especially going through a breakup with an FA. Thank you so much for your work!
I am in the same boat ❤️
Me too. Even with secure attachment being the majority, it really hurts. It knocked me off center. How are you these days with your process?
Same
1) Go numb 3-4 weeks. If they lean AA 2-3 weeks. DA 4+ weeks. Push down their feelings. Spend ton of times with friends, being really busy, avoiding feelings. They don't do it consciously.
2) After 4 weeks they start feeling their feelings, that's when they are open to reconciliation. If you go over the mark of 6 weeks they will feel rejected and hurt that the other person didn't reach out.
3) They want to feel like the other is invested, interested, cares and wants to do the work, but they want space and time too. They don't want you to push too quickly and invade their space. You have to say that you care but not be smothering and move too quickly. Create curiosity.
I just realized recently that I am a FA and am going through a divorce. My husband got tired of all my non trust issues, arguments, cold attitude, etc that he finally filed for divorce. It was while I was looking for ways to improve myself that I came across what attachment styles were. It explained so much but too late since he's done with me.
Does he know about your newfound self-awareness? It's a big step and key
I'm not sure of how long you and your husband were together but if my FA ex really showed change and improvement I would gladly put my in all into working it out with her... but in the 3mknths post breakup she comes and goes and I can't see her actually being committed to me or anyone clearly the guys before me also
@@resueah7257 no. We dont speak or see each other since he filed.
@@sadogeee4196 13 years total
Oof. 😂 Yup. Transparency, communication and consistency is key. Building back that trust is huge - trust with self and trust with partner. I think that conversation, “what has changed” is a v necessary one for both parties...
Anyone else who’s been through this, I’m so sorry. ❤️ it’s not your fault. But it is your job to reconnect with yourself and heal as best as you can. Doesn’t have to be all on your own & doesn’t have to be all at once. Just be aware of your patterns and open to doing the work. You are enough. You are worth fighting for and you are worth investing in. ❤️🌻
I just had to let go of my FA boyfriend whom I love very much last night. I think for the final time. I really needed to hear this, thank you.
Thank you for writing this. I'm fighting hard to believe that myself 🫶🙏
Did you leave the relationship? Im going through it now just curious. I just broke up with mine last week and curious what to expect @jessd956
Thanks, Thais. Whew, I always felt complicated and so it's funny that my attachment style is the most complicated one! I find your claim that FAs have experienced the "most" trauma interesting. I don't really feel like that's true, at least not in every case. My mother is DA (with enmeshment issues, to be specific) but the magnitude of her neglect was so, so severe. I feel like her trauma was a million times worse than mine.
I wonder that all the time, I think a lot of what caused us trauma was purely emotional, on the level that having a parent with serious trauma means us as little people being around our them would have us soaking up and unconsciously carrying a lot of their emotional pain for our own. On top of the seem smallness of solid ‘actually bad’ trauma. I think of myself as a little kid just taking it all in and shoving it down, almost unaware I was experiencing such painful stuff.
I agree , maybe they say FA is most traumatized in terms of number of wounds and triggers , doesn't necessarily mean always in intensity. So a DA may feel more intensely after terrible traumas...it is a spectrum.
So true. My FA and I took a break where we were apart for around 2.5 months. He was genuinely hurt over the fact that I was gone for so long, smh. I didn't think I was gone long enough! Especially seeing as how he initiated it.
What happened then?
As an AP with a (probable) FA ex, I feel like the concept of the "right time" to reach out and get back together doesn't sit right. As you said in your latest videos, APs need to be able to show up for themselves before taking on any romantic relationship and healing an AP attachment isn't bound by any amount of time. It's been nearly 2 years for me and I'm JUST starting to get how to find love and happiness within me. I had tried to stay in contact with my Ex a couple months after the break up (after going no contact) but I was not ready. I wasn't ready and my AP was so activated it pushed her away again. And I still wasn't ready when she reached out again and then blew up at me 6 months after the break up. And I'm just now feeling like I'm moving into that 3rd stage of reconnecting with myself and meeting my own needs. So I guess what I'm saying/asking? I don't think this emphasis on time should matter if you're healing a unhealthy attachment style?
all people heal at different times, take your time !
I read once that it could take as long as 10 years to heal an attachment. A lot of attachment wounds are healed in partnership because relational trauma is generally healed relationally. Even though you're triggering each other, you're both learning. You don't have to be completely healed yet to be back in the relationship but both people have to be aware of it and willing to work on it.
@@mfe7073agree, imo healing within a relationship is optimal but only if both parties are communicating and patient with each other.
@@mfe7073 taking some time off relationship does work for APs though. It's recommended
Need a vid on 2 FA’s during breakup. One being more self aware and willing to communicate, the other (him) burying himself in work and avoiding communication. I’m at the point of not caring anymore since he left me on read 3 weeks ago when I was vulnerable which is super hard for me to do. He can kick rocks most days in my mind, then other days I miss him like crazy and think a simple talk would fix everything. What to do? He’s posting where he’ll be on IG, and most are near my home or my gym, but my pride won’t allow me to pop up. Fear of rejection is debilitating
I'm in the same situation. in other times I would force myself to message him until things returned to normal but I realized that that made me ashamed of myself...so I won't do it again.
He may feel hurt and rejected that I won't message him but I feel the same way. And I know that I've done enough...this one is on him. I also think he needs to be the one to make the move for his self esteem.
I'm lost right now, as I can't understand what to do. Fa aware and more secure with an unaware FA ex who broke up after 4 months, when his fears and anxiety went to the roof), I tried to talk things through but he kept saying he was just hurting me (fixable problems). Then he popped up twice for a brief stop & was still emotional, then disappeared 1 month (I wrote to him but he left me on read),then popped up again stopping in the middle of the roundabout staring at me & then left, then we had an argument face to face where he was cold, distant and kinda angry and said we want different things, then 4 days later he popped up again saying hi with his hand (I sent him a gift and a note just before the argument, saying I respected his need for space and being alone, I cared, validating his feelings) and now I've been in no contact for 2 weeks and don't know what to do...I know it's not easy but we have a great connection & he opened up to me for the first time in his life, we talked about his struggles a lot while I was seeing his fears coming up and he keeps saying that he care, even when we had that argument
Amazing information. Being predominantly secure but with an AP secondary attachment style I can see that there is going to be be a lot of fun and games with my beautiful DA in trying to get back over the next few months. She sure knows my trigger points. Just as well I don't drink. You should know that the knowledge you give out enables us partners of DA's to have a lot of empathy and compassion for them. Oh, to gaze into my DA's eyes and tell her how great she is, how I understand, how I care for her, how I want to protect her, how I want to fill up all the the love cavities, how I want to be there for her all the rest of her days. Of course being a DA that's exactly what will send her heading for the hillshe doesn't want to hear at a conscious level but desperately wants to be reassured of at a subconsciously. Boys, never a dull moment with a DA.
This sounds creepy that you think you're her savior.
I don’t think anyone wants to hear that . Would scare anyone away
@@redfullmoon Maybe it sounds creepy to you but I completely understand it. It’s called a double bind where you want to help someone because you have compassion and empathy but they are also hurting you and you don’t know what to do.
Isn't this video about FA's? Did you even watch it
I'm the FA who left, because his hypervigilance was so demeaning to me. I am a lover of learning and so my flaw in so many relationships has been the fact that I understand why somebody may be the way that they are. I then tend to give them way too many chances and way too much room and ignore my own boundaries and my own needs at the same time.
The last relationship however, I felt like I went into it armed with so much more knowledge and self-awareness and I had already done so much work at least on my anxious side. I for the first time was trying to be vulnerable and really start to lean on him because I know ultimately that is what I want -- safety. But in the end he just could not handle any moments when I was not with him. I feel like I would have to change my entire life to be able to fit into the mold he needed me to be in to not worry. And I could tolerate worry but the accusations and the absolutely fabricated stories I would have to defend myself against were exhausting. As a survivor of intense trauma and hence being an FA, were extremely triggering to me. So now I'm in a scenario where he said some wild and accusational things, again, that I believe are absolutely unacceptable. But again, I believe that this is just his manifestation of his own needs.
I have no idea what I should be doing here because I need to be able to stick up for myself and not allow such bad treatment. But at the same time I feel like if he was willing to do the work he could heal just as I'm trying to. It's so damn confusing and sad because I did have to block him because he can't stop himself from the ridiculous accusations and hypervigilance. And I just wish that we could talk.
I hear you. That is difficult with accusations and hypervigilance but that is coming from the anxious side where your partner/ex wanted to communicate with you and sounds like you wanted to communicated too. It doesn't excuse the behavior but your behavior was hurtful to him too. That's why these kind of relationships are difficult. I found we all are either anxious or avoidant. 'Secure' attachment is really a myth but what makes behavior more secure is that there is 1) self-awareness for your own actions and how they cause hurt, 2) being willing to put yourself in your partner/ex's shoes (if you were on the receiving end, 3) being willing to be vulnerable and describe how your partner hurt you with their actions, 4) state your needs but in a way that still give reassurance to your partner. That last one is key to understand because I am Secure leaning anxious and even thought I tried my best with my FA partner to tell her that her space needs were not a problem and even offered her space and said I still care for her, she still took it that I was trying to back-out of the relationship by having her cancel on me. It hurts but she never understand after I tried to explain that I was helping to respect her boundaries/space.
Both partners have to be willing to be open minded, communicate, and see the other person's perspective - that's how trust is built. I don't think any relationship starts off with trust, it's built over time. Just like love, it's built over time.
I wish you the best - if your partner/ex isn't doing the work too, then it will be difficult to have conversations. Just know he is coming at it with care, he's afraid of losing you and he's very anxious and trying to protect himself from abandonment he's being hypervigilant. Some reassurance and stating boundaries may help - but he has to do the work too...because your needs and boundaries matter as well. Good luck and I hope it works out.
I was exhausted by my ex borderline/avoidant...still unsure after 3 years how j was discarded...hearing your ways to reconnect, timing, etc. Irs just so draining...relationships shouldn't be that hard..let them bounce from next guy to next on n on..waste of energy...3 years wasted
I feel this. What sets us apart is that we tried. I am trying now to get mine back but I'm coming to the realization... why??? It's flattering to have someone trying to understand them when even they don't understand themselves. I'm tired. Really tired. Hope you're doing ok!
My ex ghosted me for a year after I broke up with him.... and when we got back in touch, I said, "did you think we would ever talk again?" and he said, "Of course" and I was like ... "Oh good, I cried into my pillow for a year but you knew all along it would be ok" - I'm still trying to reconcile my feelings.
He no contacted you. Works everytime. It's usually the dumpers who need to make first contact
I’m confused why did you guys break up if you left him and were crying for a year?
@@sn3089 I set a boundary, he broke it. I broke up with him, expecting to have further communication - the tough kind and he ghosted me for a year instead.
@@ZaiyaKai he’s not the one
@@ZaiyaKai
It sounds like you were trying to manipulate your ex and it backfired on you.
I wonder where these attachment styles turn into full blown personality disorders. When you take a lot of these behaviours to the extreme you end up with someone with BPD or NPD.. they actually use their wounds to draw you in and control you. It's really hard to tell in the moment. But when they discard you and refuse to talk afterwards (like adults) you need to watch out. All of these stem from childhood issues as well.
Another attachment therapist, Alan Robarge, has a video on narcissistic wound vs narcissism. So does The Little Shaman on her channel. Both those videos talk about having a narcissistic wound from early childhood which many of us do, vs when and why that wound can instead become a personality disorder with other maladapted defenses forming around the wound preventing any vulnerability from ever getting in or out again.
@@ShawnFin As far as I understand it Borderline is really almost the same as Narcissism, just that there is actual empathy there. DA is missing the whole controlling aspects.. but as far as fear of intimacy goes it's very close.
@@hgzmatt "DA is missing the whole controlling aspects" no it depends what kind of parenting style the DA was raised with, if DA's caregivers were authoritarian or narcissistic then controlling behavior could be passed down to the DA
Attachment styles and personality disorders are two completely different things. Just like being left-handed, right handed, or ambidextrous, everyone has an attachment style: Anxious, Avoidant, or a combo of both (Fearful). But not everybody has a full blown personality disorder. They might have similar roots, but an insecure attachment doesn't create a personality disorder.
@@2KChilds I wouldn't rule anything out. Those are all concepts with which we try to understand human behaviour. And there is probably a great amount of overlap between these. Being 'secure' already rules out a lot of disordered people because they are somewhat incapable of consistent, healthy behaviours. 'Avoidant' behaviour is very common as well if you don't restrict it to inside relationships. Borderliners.. Narcissists.. they all display these behaviours, just amplified.
Of course attachment styles don't create personality disorders.. they are both end results of whatever came before.
FA here. I feel like some of this info resonated and some didn't. remember it's a spectrum and also it really depends on the attachment style of the partner. i
If a FA is dealing with a DA they can come off as anxious, where as if they are dealing with an anxious they can come off as DA. Secure will bring out the secure in them. So if you are an ex to an FA it will really help to know where you are at in your own attachment. I will say though, in general, as an FA I feel my emotions immediately and intensely. I do go into them and feel them to the point it engulfs me and is overwhelming. For a few weeks I'm a mess but I'll never reach out or show that. And then I come up for air and I'm done for good. If my partner doesn't reach out in the first few weeks, there's no coming back ever. Once I've processed it, I'm cold af. That's just me though so what I'm saying is ever FA is different and it can be challenging to navigate if you are the ex.
why do they need to reach out to you if you care for them? I domt get it. why don't you do something outside your comfort zone
@@yamieden4350 Being an FA sucks. It takes a lot of hard work and self-awareness to change it. Now that I'm aware of my own patterns, I just don't date because it's not fair to anyone else. One day I'll be there but it's a process. Most the dudes I've been with are DA so reaching out generally makes them more avoidant, or at least that's been my experience.
Well I guess it must be very difficult. I'm actually in love with one. He broke up with me and it's been really difficult for me to process. I love him deeply. He's actually in a rebound relationship. And he's told me that he loves me and knows Im the girl for him. That we aren't happy rn, and he wants us to be. It's hard for me to process because deep down I know he means it. He recognizes there is a battle with in himself, but I know he doesn't know he is fearful avoidant, and by the time I figured it out, we aren't together. For now I am going NC. It's hard because as angry as I am with him, I miss him so much. I'm unsure of whether or not he can change, I know he thinks he's crazy. If he only can see his patterns, I'd be so willing to help him get through. But again he left me. During this breakup he's been very cold, except for the last conversation when he told me he wants to be with me. I'm so drained. So for now I'm trying to heal. I cry every day. But it is nice to get feed back from people who struggle with this. My worse fear is that his rebound and him actually hit it off, but I'm so unsure. I also can't just excuse this behavior, so I'm not sure how to even handle him if he were to come back.
@@yamieden4350 I can definitely resonate. I went through the same thing in my last relationship. The hardest part is getting your rational mind and your feeling part to cooperate. I went through the battle of knowing better yet still wanting him but knowing I shouldn't. It's hard. Being in love with an avoidant is exhausting. The sad thing with my ex was that if I was more cold and distant than him, that's when he wanted me. If I practiced secure traits toward him he'd run. I got to the point where I was like who wants to live like this? And if this is what he wants from someone, I'm going to regress big time in my healing trying to close myself off so he can be more comfortable.
My gf (almost fiance) broke up with me about three weeks ago. We have gone no contact this entire time. I have been completely crushed, especially that first week, to the point where I had to go to the doctor to get treated for a reaction (hives/rash) my body was having due to the anxiety. She is Fearful Avoidant and I am Anxious Preoccupied. The breakup came out of left field completely and was extremely abrupt. The week before she broke up with me she suggested and went and looked at engagement rings (normally I would have been freaked out in other relationships but this one feels so right, so I was 100% in).
I was going out of town for a week and she said that after I returned she wanted to really go look for a ring. Well a few days before my trip, she wanted to talk. She told me that she has never felt any "Chemistry" toward me and needed to end it before it went any further. This was completely incongruent from her actions and words the entire rest of this year while we have been dating.
I really do see a future with both of us. I just signed up for your courses and starting to work through my attachment style. Lets just say I thought I was pretty secure but I am coming to find out I have suppressed a lot the past 40 years and want to properly heal from it so I can be better apt to support her as she works through her FA wounds. She is an extremely hard working and very aware of her attachement style. I just want to make sure I navigate this properly without pushing her away.
Everyone I talk to tells me that I need to not contact her at all and let her realize that she misses me and have her initiate the contact even if it takes months for her to do that. I have done a lot of research on both or styles of attachment and I want to make sure I do whats right for us. Not what others think I should do. But I am curious to hear others experiences with the timing and how people in similar situations made that initial contact. If anyone actually reads comments on here and would like to through out their experience or suggestions, i would love to learn more about how it played out for others.
Basically I have pretty well decided I will write her a letter and mail it so she gets its around the three week mark. I will try to balance showing care/concern, my investment in her and our relationship but still recognize that going forward we will both need time and space to properly work through our own wounds. But at the same time I do want to be a support to her when she wants that support.
UGHHHH this is so long (my anxious side coming out) but ya, any thought and suggestions from anyone that is still reading this. Should I wait for her to contact me (if she ever does) or should I contact her?
How did you go? Did you reach out? My story is very similar to yours, all the signs were there it was solid but she randomly pulled away after I had met all her family and we talked about going away. She broke up with me and ghosted me it's only been a week I have tried to call and message her a few times. It triggered me into panic mode now I question if it's love or a trauma bond. Everyone asked me what happened to the relationship and I was making excuses for her but in reality, I was left and ghosted with no real reason. So now I'm dealing with a lot of pain and everyday I wake up I have to process it again it's horrible. I hope you had success with your ex because sadly I don't think many people do when they leave
Any updates
@@secondmindfilms7962 I haven’t contacted her for months (other than her car has randomly shown up at two different places I have been at but I didn’t actually see her at either place)
Not really much to update since my last response right above your comment. On my IG I did see a video on someone else’s page that had her and her son in it and it really crushed my heart again because my first thought was “that’s my family”.
When I think back I still can’t make sense of how she was able, within literally days of looking at engagement rings, to just shut off all emotions and feelings for someone that she had said and showed that she deeply loved. It was like she totally disconnected from everything she had told me she thought and felt for me.
The more I learn about fearful avoidant, I realize that her behavior is almost cookie cutter textbook FA behavior and responses. But it still doesn’t help the pain and confusion that I feel. In my mind I can’t comprehend how someone can treat someone they loved like that, but on the other hand I really do feel bad for her because she obviously has some deep wounds that she is working through so that she doesn’t carry this into future relationships and I truly hope she can heal from them. It’s not far to her or for her partner(s) in the future.
She didn't like that you were going out of town . My FA broke up with ne when I went away forca week with my 80 year old neighbour who is female like me, yet it scared him lifes too short
@@csilver9625 I know you're really hurting and wanting her back, but I wanted to throw it out there that this roller-coaster isn't gonna go away if you get her back. It takes a very long time to heal an attachment. It sounds like you are a very loving partner. You deserve to be with someone who loves themselves enough to love you at the same level that you out out there, and can communicate when things get hard. Marriages are hard AF, you want a partner who can communicate with you.
That’s just sick. To break up with someone and then feel *rejected* after they went away *because you told them to.* Someone like that has no business dating at all
Take responsibility for your own feelings of smothered and so on, instead of looking for a perfect mind reader.
You really really missed the point 🤦♂️
Your comment is really void of compassion and if you could walk a mile in someone’s shoes that has fearful attachment and feel the intense overpowering emotions we feel when we perceive a betrayal or rejection, I don’t think you’d be so calloused. It feels absolutely horrible. We deserve love too. FAs don’t let yourself or anyone else make you feel like you “have no business dating.”
This comment is sick
Agreed. You’re allowed to have your opinion just like everyone else here. Unless you’ve been the victim of an FA others don’t understand. Don’t get into a relationship until you’ve moved out of the attachment style through self work. Otherwise you can destroy others just to save yourself. Everyone experiences traumatic events but there’s no need to cause traumatic events in other peoples lives because you haven’t done the work. I would think that might make more avoidants which I assume no one desires to be.
@@libertygates4944 FA's cause tons of trauma to the person they leave in limbo and confusion. No FA's really don't deserve everyone else adjusting to them. I get being empathetic, but it shouldn't be at the cost of someone else. FA's are toxic. Just as toxic as a narcissist or someone with BPD. Its incredibly debilitating and ends often in self loathing being with an avoidant.
Everything is so complicated. Just knowing that every relationship can bring out a different aspect of me. I try to study all the types a little. I think I am a FA in this relationship. We broke up a few days ago and I most def am looking for some grounding
Being preoccuupied or dismissive is a oping strategy when you feel under threat and have that underlying fear of intimacy. Therefore you can be dismissive in some situations or with certain people, and preoccupied with others as that underlying fear is there. Foe sure people have a foundational attachment style but its not a be all and end all, you can have a mixture of everything
@@seemu2927 real talk
@@yazzy1979 there Is a RUclipsr who I watch called psychology in Seattle who’s a therapist and reacts to reality tv. He’s really good and often talks abit traumas and attachment. Check him out. It’s really therapeutic to watch :)
@@seemu2927 doing it. Are you a paid subscriber to the school?
@@yazzy1979 i was for a month and enjoyed it but due to time and finances had to cancel
My FA ex that I still love keeps blocking and unblocking me and coming back and forth. This time he’s had me blocked for 3 1/2 weeks and reached out, but didn’t show up to meet me and I was blocked again. Do FAs block ppl a lot?
Yeah we do.
So does a person with a lot of MH issues
It sounds like he might be stuck in a cycle of feeling rejection and paranoid guilt. He probably blocks you because his paranoid FA brain has made him think that you don't truly love him and secretly want to be rid of him which makes him feel rejected. He then rejects you back by ghosting you and convinces himself he's doing you both a favor for it. After a while of no contact, he starts to regret his decision and reaches back out. But he feels guilty deep down for putting you through that for no good reason. So then his paranoid FA brain becomes convinced that you're really angry at him and want to be rid of him, regardless whether or not you've actually expressed anger. He then becomes convinced that he's doing you both a favor by ghosting you again, and the cycle continues. The only thing I can think of for you to break this cycle is to confront him with his worst fear; your anger. You have to call him out for his behavior and let him know that what he's doing is unacceptable, but don't do it in an unhinged, screaming manner. That would only trigger him further. Be calm, but firm in your position. The idea is to let him know that it's okay if you're upset with him, because it's not the end of the world, nor does it mean that you don't want him anymore. Unfortunately, this isn't guaranteed to work, so you have to walk into this confrontation prepared for the worst. And if he does ghost you again and continue the cycle, then you have to do the hardest part and walk away. Because the truth is, he really is hurting you both a lot with this cycle of behavior, and you shouldn't put up with it. At that point, he's clearly more interested in being "safe" than improving himself, so it's clear that you should be prioritizing your own mental well-being over his, and the best things you can do for yourself is to walk away and begin your healing journey.
That's me:) just broke it off with an avoidant. I'm slowly recouping
Question: Why am I getting more and more and more avoidant the older I get? I think I started out pretty anxious and with every failing relationship and friendship I became more avoidant. Now I can't even identify with this video anymore whereas I reacted 100% like you describe in your DA video on that topic. Can attachment styles get updated based on new learnings (read: trauma)?
Due to what you described that happened prior. Same as if a child tries to anxiously seek for years for the parents love and doesn't receive it, at some point it will likely develop some coping mechanism to deal w the negligence/dismissal/emotional unavailability of the parents. Same with partners. Had similar experience, primarily w parents who were completely unavailable, irresponsible and just out of my life so at some point I unconsciously adapted to that
@@realtruth3762 I really appreciate that you responded, sometimes it's just nice to know you're not alone.
I became much more DA, after getting out of a relationship with a very controlling, and volatile person. I think I just didn’t want anyone to come in, and disrupt my world so much again.
eeep I've never been here this early! thanks for the content
It took me about an hour to completely fall apart, and I walked out on her (not bragging, it sucked). I cried for three days. It was horrible and I never did that with anyone else. What you said was accurate except for this last one. Then I dysregulated and just started researching, reading book after book, watching videos and anything and everything I can do to "level" out from these feelings. I joined support groups, am doing mindfulness, a little yoga, acupressure, just anything to change the FA living inside me.
She's gone I understand, but next time I want to be better b/f.
I'm definitely a fearful avoidant
These time lines don’t mean to reach out. Never do. Stay focussed
can someone please give me advice. a special male friend of mine for almost 10 months push me away and said he didn't want to hear from me and that he'd reach out when he was ready to talk. I responded back and said well goodbye for then I felt like I needed to bow out of your life completely and give you space I won't contact you again. I just feel like he might be feeling very abandoned but I had to do what was best for me and I was respecting his wishes also
You did the right thing.
I want u near but not far but when u get too far I'm angry and now u didn't want me enough so ill push u away even further. If you are too close u need to back off because u will hurt me. Ya we're complicated. But just know it's not u it's our fears of falling in love and being abandoned.
It's funny but it's true. The more I love you, the more it will hurt when you leave. Anything that feels perfect just can't last because in my life nothing good has ever lasted. And I can't explain this to you because you will think I'm not good enough for you, so you will leave...which was inevitable. It's fine, I can take care of myself because nobody has ever taken care of me.
I don't like that I think this way, but it's very hard not to.
Lol! Fa will totally blindside you out of the blue for no reason, call you every name in the book, tell you you're worthless and then feel rejected when you don't reach out? The fa person is totality at fault and needs to get help or stay away from realationships!
Ah so I’m FA with a DA lean. Didn’t realize we could have a secondary.
How do we figure out we have a secondary?
@@dianneciresi6324 , you don't have a secondary per se. But because fearful types are combination of both anxious and avoidant they generally "lean" one direction or the other more often. I personally lean more anxious usually.
How can you be secure after abuse discard from a borderline?
I recently broke up with my DA boyfriend who I've discovered has a strong FA secondary. This is helpful.
Glad this video was helpful to you
-PDS team member
I was dating the same FaDa & found out I was the rebound during the time he was either separated or broke up with his ex gf. Not sure if he was playing us or just playing me. Saw he was still in communication with her on Fb. Told mr he didn't want to be in a relationship or a bf with no intentions if getting married for a 3rd x. He ended up ghosting when he decided to go back to seeing the ex. So this doesn't apply to me.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool how many weeks will they shut down if they felt rejected after they come back within 4 weeks?
My FA bf came back within 1 month in October , but I was not 100% healed , I was damaged by his past words, deeds. But I showed my love in distance . He said not to msg him, expect love + marriage, to block him in September , but in Oct-Dec he was desperately expecting me to msg 1st.
But I didnt understand as I cant read his mind ,I was afraid to msg. Then end of Dec he jumped to a rebound (still in) , assuming I rejected him for a simple word in my social media . I msgd him in Jan & went NC.
Then he missed me so since March , reaching out indirectly ,msgn tru friends & he came to see me to my work plc for an event. But no text or chat yet.
As he is a FA aftr 3 months NC ,I sent a bday gift with a long msg on his bday this month, but no single reply, but shows he read it (in past he stays as didnt read) .Now he is so afraid to hurt me, lose me, even when I move on from social media or from him, I understood it from what he did. Now Im in NC again. Thats Y I asked this question :(
Over a month ago ended (not officially but I think it's the end) my long distance relationship of couple of months, I have been bing watching videos on attachment styles videos and self healing of abandonment issues etc. I don't work at the moment so I have plenty of free time, but I feel like I don't have really free time to enjoy, cuz when I am not doing things around house I am watching videos on self improvement and attachment styles and feminine approach to dating etc. so I guess my question is: Can trying really hard to self heal and self improve by watching videos (I can't afford therapy) be a form of self abandonment? I now I 've been always like this, if it wasn't me being into psychology, it was Law of attraction in the past, it's like I feel I am always trying to fix myself and I can't enjoy watching a movie or go on a walk, because I feel like it's more beneficial for me first to "fix" my attachment style in order to be successfull in life, it's this mentality that I am not ready yet, and if I don't work on my mental health to become securely attached ASAP that I am basically wasting time. Does anybody else relate? Is this type of thinking typical for anxious attachment or fearfull avoidant attachment style?
Oh my god yes yes yes!!!!! I have been going through the exact same thing for the past 5 months
I think feeling like something is wrong with you that needs to be fixed before you are “ready” sounds consistent with the fearful attachment strategy. But no one is ever truly ready for life. And we have to interact with others to grow so don’t shut down connection entirely out of fear.
Same feeling, maybe because we dont know how and where to "start the fixing" within ourselves
Yes I really heavily to everything you’ve said. I put so much importance on fixing myself but I think it’s just in order to go back to that concept of attaching to someone and not being abandoned. It’s crazy this whole thing. I am AP and just had to let go of my FA boyfriend of 15 months last night. We’ve been going in a downhill spiral forever and no matter how I would beg and plead for my basic needs to be met, he just does not show change and I have betrayal trauma because I think he’s actually also a sex addict, though I don’t know if he’s ever physically cheated on me. It’s mental torture on a daily basis because he will not open up about that or even really confirm or deny it. He says he will talk to his therapist about it but yet hasn’t made an appointment with his therapist for months now. He’s also an alcoholic in the middle of a divorce. My entire life has been turned upside down. To make matters even worse, I have CPTSD and he was my first boyfriend in high school 34 years ago. I do feel strongly that I have a subconscious bond to him that is keeping me in a trauma bond now. I don’t think that I can continue with him because he has texted a few women and I cannot be sure what his intentions were, behind my back. I really feel that if he’s in love with me and simply wants to be with me, even during an alcoholic relapse he would not be looking for female attention in any capacity outside of our relationship like that especially after the pornography and other things that I’ve repeatedly found on his devices. We’ve had many, many discussions about it and I have ended up having to lecture him which is not even who I want to be.
I’ve also caught him at a massage parlor three (!) times, total of 5 visits and those are just the ones I caught on Venmo… one in person (😢) paying 3 times the cost of a normal massage. each time he was in a relapse and swears to God that nothing inappropriate happened whatsoever and he was just being very generous with his payment, but that’s quite hard to believe when it happens more than once.
It’s absolute mental and emotional torture. I know it and he knows it. I do think he actually loves me but I don’t think his concept of love could be the same as mine if he’s able to treat me the way that he does. I am so incredibly brokenhearted. I feel like I will never ever get over this or recover from it no matter how much learning and healing I attempt to do.
Yes I feel the same - almost as if what’s the point in doing life before I’ve healed this and this and this - because I want to avoid repeating the same patterns - so I am always trying to grow and heal so that I am getting somewhere - and I have this underlying feeling that I’m not good enough and I’ve not done enough and I just want to do it all now!!!!! So that I am healed… but it’s about balance - we have to have balance in our life - apparently that’s one way to heal our FA attachment style. 🤍
My FA ghosted me but I’m supposed to “fight for her”??? Why is this so complicated (I thought they were DA, so i haven’t talked to her in 2 months)
Mine keeps blocking me as well. It’s pretty horrific...
these ppl are ridiculous. mine dumped me. I took it like a champ (though I was heartbroken- didn't show it). Thanked him for the great times. Then he called me crying 2 days later and was like why didn't you fight for me. Meanwhile, he broke up saying he wasnt ready for a relationship...and bc I loved him I respected that. Talk about head game city!
@@LizaLavolta I am an FA. If they break up then ask why didnt you fight for them its because they broke up with you thinking you didnt want them. Like they were doing you a favor. And not fighting for them reinforces that truth in their mind. I broke up with my DA not brcause I wanted to but because I thought he hated me. Then I reached out to him 1-2 weeks later asking him what did I do to make him not want to be with me (trippy I know since I broke up with him). The FA is a pendulum in my mind there is a constant "am I a good person or bad person?" ...."this person thinks I am bad, I should leave. If they think I am good, then they will tell me. If they think I am bad they will let me go." Then person doesnt reach out then we think "I am bad. Why does this person hate me so much? Why dont they love me". Even tho I broke it off, my mind saw it as I was broken up with. I tell ppl all the time "Ive never technically been broken up with. I am the one who ends up walking away. But in reality I have been broken up with by everyone because I left cause they didnt want me". It is very confusing to hear but imagine jow confusing it is being me. Lol. There is alot of pain in loving someone and also feeling like they dont love you (even if its imagined). I was physically abused when younger and in situations where I needed a safety net, I was chastized instead.
@@courtneythompson8139 your response is very very helpful for anyone on the receiving end of a breakup. My FA leaning DA ex broke up with me 3 times in 4 years. As an AP that touched a HUGE abandonment/rejection wound. Now to hear that the FA dumper actually feels rejected..which is why they dump in the first place....mind blowing!
@@courtneythompson8139 yup…
My ex is an FA, he broke up with me and 2 weeks after he moved out of our apartment, he tells me he’s in a new relationship and he’s very happy. How does that fit into this timeline?
He's probably in the numbing phase of the cycle and hasn't properly dealt with his feelings. Two weeks is a really short time to find a happy new relationship, after all. Did he tell you this out of the blue, or did you ask him about it? Also, when he ended things, did you gracefully accept it was over and leave him be, or did you actively fight to keep the relationship intact? I'm only asking these things because I'm curious about what his motivations are.
@@AD-dg3zz it was out of the blue. We still had to see each other because we signed a lease and he continued to help me with the rent. When he left I cried and I fought that day but I let him be. (He’s done this before,the running away) The day he told me I had asked him to get coffee and talk about things, that’s when he said he was seeing someone else.
@@karlazapata6478 I see, so he's likely telling you this out of the blue because he's angry with you for not continuing to fight for the relationship. The reason he broke up with you in the first place is probably because his paranoid FA brain convinced him that you didn't actually want to be with him, leading him to feel rejected for no good reason. He secretly wants you to keep fighting for the relationship to prove that his suspicions were wrong. But you respecting his boundaries and not actively pursuing him is just triggering him further and making him feel even more rejected and vindicated in his paranoia. It's really backwards, I know. I think the best thing you can do for him is gently but firmly confront him about his unacceptable and hurtful behavior, and be prepared to walk away from him for good if he continues the cycle anyway.
@@AD-dg3zz He continued to be hostile and hurtful over the continuing months since I wrote this. Now we are at the point where I’m working on my Anxious Attachment and thanks to that I walked away from him for good. It was a total of 3 years of rollercoaster relationship and I had enough. I’ve asked him numerous times to pick up his things from the apartment and he’s always got an excuse not to.I feel like he still doesn’t believe it’s over. But it is. For my own mental health.
Sounds like a narc
I had that exact moment after four weeks, but wasn't able to navigate that situation and now she seems to have an positive pullback where she always looks like I rejected her, while I tried to build trust.
I'm an FA; after my breakup, I immediately started working on improving myself and understanding myself and my wounds, like not even a day after so 10:15 Thais is right. It might be because I'm leaning anxious idk. And yes, I've been switching between I want my ex back or I don't need him, depending on my emotional state but I guess that's normal regardless of attachment style, or is that an FA trait? hot and cold?
I’m the same way and I identify with FA as well.
I think that could be normal for anyone if you're feeling heightened emotions, but especially an FA. Whatever you feel when you're calm is probably right. When I'm calm, I know my ex isn't the guy for me. I'm FA too. Trust your intuition.
@@callisto744 yes, you're absolutely right! I'm practising delaying my reaction, rather thinking it through, calming down and returning to the matter and it truly makes a big difference, even tho it might sound like a small thing to others
Everybody experiences ambivalence to some degree. If you're FA, actively experiencing ambivalence without manipulatively acting out on it by demonstrating hot-and-cold behavior, could be proof of an important step towards developing more security. You can of course still reach out to your ex if you want to and feel safe enough to be with you and your feelings.
FA here. I had same thing first 10 month of NC and now 1 y and 4 m later I finally found peace and let go situation. I still think about ex but I don’t have any resentment or anger or ruminations. I think it’s about accepting yourself fully as you are with mistakes you feel ashamed about and find a way not being ashamed of it but nursing it. We both created that invalid relationships. It gave us (at least me) a lesson and I became soooooo much happier with myself after I stopped beating myself up and being ashamed of myself for my reactions. Therapy helped me a lot. Education is good for gaining insight but long term therapist will become your safe place where you come for healthy feedbacks and create a healthy bond so one day therapist’s voice become your internal voice when you soothe yourself on your own.
I doubt that my FA ex misses me, she insantly had a new guy the same day we broke up. She broke up with me though instagram and then deleted her account so that I cannot reach out to her at all.
So me and my ex gf have been split for 5 weeks now we connected a few times but I'm now a week into no contact and everyday is getting better, she wanted to remain friends which I declined, we had a really good relationship just ended a bit wierd, she's asked if im dating etc all that stuff, she's now on tiktok making a lot of videos probally seeking validation but I'm not giving in she can see what it's like to be without me im not perfect but we was good together its a massive shame she even said its a waste not to be friends I said I cannot sorry and that was it, is she deactivating by going on social media to hide her true feelings?
Thais you hit it perfectly... awesome video..
If a FA is split from a DA, and the DA wants space, what do you suggest the FA tell self so they can accept DAs space? If DA doesn’t give timeline to talk again, what can FA say self talk to soothe? If FA gets angry, does it come across as selfish to the DA partner? How can FA explain this behavior?
DAs aren’t worth waiting for. i waited for mine for 5-6 months of him leading me on and he still left again, that time for good.
My avoidant always waited for me to open the door after a separation / break-up. Tired of luring him back into the relationship.
I tried but he monkey branched to a coworker and moved in with her.
So my FA leaning AP ex sent a Snapchat with no caption after 2 weeks. I replied, but didn’t lean in so to speak and ended the conversation fairly premature by reacting to their response opposed to continuing the conversation to a caring message from them by just hearting it. Would this be seen as a form of them trying to reconcile or breadcrumb and by me doing this would make them feel rejected despite them breaking up with me from feeling overwhelmed by the situation? My POV would be that they would have to make more effort if they wanted to reconcile, but is their way of putting feelers out and wanting me to lead as they don’t want to feel vulnerable? Any advice Thais 🙏🏻 this is 1 week post this.
I messed it all up then:( too much space thinking I was doing the right thing going no contact
not necessarily. reaching out is a huge gamble, regardless of attachment type. it's best to respect your ex's wishes, and give them the breakup. if your ex misses you, they'll reach out, and it can take time. i recommend Craig Kenneth or Lee Wilson videos, if you're having difficult moments.
@@adamwood87 April will be a year. She’s reached out a couple times, mostly negative.. but I kept my cool until the most recent time where I finally blew up and pointed out how I’ve treated her vs how she’s treated me. But in October she was open to meeting up but when I flirted she shut back down so it didn’t happen.
@@deputy5476 damn, that sounds aggravating. i've been in no contact for five months, and i understand how the hurt can build during that time. sometimes you have to pump the breaks.
@@adamwood87 yeah just focusing on the future now. Everything happens for a reason!
How long before I contact my fa ex? I’m an ap. We were in a relationship for five years and he texted me it was over and he blocked me immediately. I did text him through Instagram and he never even read it. I told him I wanted to work on whatever was wrong since it felt out of the blue. But he hasn’t gotten back to me. I haven’t messaged for two weeks and it’s been a month since the breakup. What do I do?
But when the fa dumped me how long should I wait to contact if they don’t?
Why would you? It's over.
What if I waited too long with no contact with my FA and we reconnected but he wanted to see me without committment and he was still angry about the No Contact and did not trust me. He had feelings of abandonement. When I refused to see him becuase he could not agree we should be working towards rekindling/relationship potential he has now ghosted me. Is there any repair w/o me loosing my dignity and power?
If he doesn't want to work for the new commitment and keep it casual it will just be grueling for you and for all you know it's because hes keeping his options open
Same boat. I missed the mark. How did it work out for you?
Update Melissa
The one I talk to that I suspect is FA even told me if I don't hear from her for a few days, that it's ok to check in and message her, "Hi, I haven't heard from you for a bit, just seeing if everything is ok and I'm here if you need or want to talk". then she told me that saying things like, "our conversations have changed", "we don't talk like we used to" etc. doesn't want to make her talk more, it makes her want to talk less because it makes her feel like she's being pressured. So if she's giving me advise on how to message her if I feel she's being distant, at least she's trying to help somewhat.
My ex and I dated almost 4 years, and even thought we built great memories, she was both toxic and an Avoidant. It has been two years now since the breakup, and over the last year or so, she calls but hangs up. She has even left two messages, but not directed at me, kind of like she mistakingly dialed my number. Just wondering what it means... Anyways, thanks for the Advice
She's trying to catch your attention without admitting it. She's probably seeking the high of you reaching back to her "spontaneously" I would not trust her as if she wanted to get back with you in a healthy way she wouldn't act like that.
@@coralijorda6405 I totally agree with everything you said. Thank you..:)
She may have been in the middle of a break up with someone else and was tryng all sorts of self soothing and toe testing a re-bound dopamine hit while in yet another sort of spiral with yet another dysfunctional relationship go.
What if they (FAs) say they love you and they want to be with you but it doesn't seem like try at all (but say they are) and threaten to break up a few times a week?
break up with them
cut him loose. He needs a lot of inner work
I wish there was some constructive thoughts on this in the comments because my ex says the same thing, it’s confusing because he does show he loves me but then gets in this mood where I feel. Like I’m invisible to him for a week or so,. He says I don’t believe he loves me and that’s not entirely true. Or he says he don’t believe I love him. So freaking confusing.
My exact experience. More than friends but not exclusive.
Is it normal for me to take like years without getting over my ex?
Yes
Are you encouraging to reach out to FA if they did the break up after the week mark?
Anyone suddenly get super FA after a bad breakup where your trust is broken
If you figure out someone is Fearful Avoidant walk away and don't look back. You will be bending to keep these fickle people around until your back breaks. Life is too short
Absolute rubbish! But I’m sorry you went through a painful experience with someone dear to you
@@Suscida Thanks man I’m in a much better place now. I was quite bitter when I wrote that comment 😅
@@SSEi02did it end up working out With an FA
@@henryzhao4622 No they moved on
So true. It's so exhausting. He didn't even want to work on the problems. No more.
My ex FA reach out to about picking up the dog she gave me. Kept it light and that's it.
6:10 for all you Anxious Peeps 8:35 as well, 10:30
It sounds like if your consistent, transparent, and trusting the fearful avoidant may ice you out…is that kind of true?
Not for me as secure leaning FA! The more patience I received, the more appreciative I was.
FA was the one who initiated the breakup, wanted to be friends which I rejected. Shoudnt FA be the ones to reach out instead?
I'm just curious, in the beginning it says F.A's tend to avoid and be numb for the first 2 or 4 weeks. What attachmentstyle would it be if the the first response you have is to shut out responsibilities and isolate just so you can be sad and feel everything intensely? Probably A.A? Why? Lol if anyone knows feel free to respond!
I am FA but usually super anxious leaning. What you’re describing is exactly what I do.
@@Seashellsbytheseashore21 maybe its in the FA attachment style because I do the same🤔
AA
Deff A.A!! I’m an A.A and the first week or two I can’t work I can’t do anything. Im addicted to the gym and I can’t even do that. All’s I do is lay in bed, feel the pain and grieve.
@@brandonnykyforakhow about Secure?
I'm not on Facebook, is there a way to join the challenge or recreate ther challenge through PDS directly?
For the 90 day challenge, on March 1st you would refer to the PDS Course Guide in the Resource library of the school (also located in the PDS 101 course) and complete the first 6 courses related to your attachment style (if you have already completed some or all, move onto the next in sequence, or add ones that resonate with your growth. Just ensure you are working on 6 total). -Attend 2 live webinars/week and connect with the community -Complete all the workbooks within 6 courses.
-PDS team member
As usual 💯🎯
But... he told me he wanted space and time... and I told him I love him. He said we could maybe try out in the furure and a month later he changed his mind completely its so fucking confusing???
@UC8C9ej_rXDbhKd8AtETEMNQ girl hows your situation going :,( im in no contact
Same! What ended up happening?
@@annikalavina4933 update on this?
In my opinion this is probably said to avoid having feelings/meaningful conversation
He got scared. I hate to say this as half secure/half anxious FA, but you can’t trust a thing a FA says after a break up. We don’t know what we want or how we feel. All other attachment styles are way more clear in this.
It just seems like way too much effort to make someone feel connected.
FA's who dont do this? I usually have weighed my options so carefully before Initiate a break up. I may do it abruptly and intensely but I am never going back.
Thais, are you tracking my life experiences?? 🤣😫
Oh thats why I did....Haven't heard from her for 6 months. Could be because when I went no contact I went no contact ....lol
Hi, how to / when to contact FA if they've blocked u on social media and whatsapp? I have the email and Ph number but I don't want to be too desperate. Also should I wait for her or should I take the initiative?
How did you go? I'm in a similar situation
What can we do if we missed the mark (example: didn't reach out for more than 4 weeks) and FA has become uneasy or shutdown to reconnect or open the lines of communication? How much time should we give and how often should we try to reach out?
Update?
Broke up almost 8 months ago with FA with Anxious lean. I told him I felt that I had wasted my time in relation to going to his home country to spend time with him (we were LDR). Didnt get in touch after that, but he blocked me anyway. Im wondering why. :(
Probably because you said the effort you put into the relationship was a waste of time ?
@@Jenshi13665 i meant going to his country...not him
They have to change and they won't so just leave
what if FA block me and my freb/family? will they reach put on that certain time?
You can't win with a fearful avoidant *sigh*
It's exhausting af
What if he was the one to call the break up and was already saying he had crushes on other people? Should I have fought for them?
probably. If he was saying these things rather than doing them, he was probably testing you because he was feeling insecure. But then those types of comments are not acceptable, so they can't happen anymore.
Having to walk on eggshells to be back together with someone whom you have to be walking on eggshells to keep the relationship… no thanks.
For FAs, is it better for them to reach out to us or us reach out to them? I don't want to scare them away as they lead dismissive but I also want to re-engage the conversation. I know he misses me based off of things I'm noticing and want to know if he will reach out or if I do, will that jeopardize everything I've gone through so far?
Did you ever find the answer to your question?
If they're dismissive and you're FA, that could be a toxic relationship for you and I would avoid it. The anxious in you is getting triggered by their avoidant.
If your ex is secure or anxious, you'll probably be triggered in the opposite way and you won't want to chase them lol. Even though they are probably good for you. In that case I would reach out. The secure thing to do is basically just say what you mean while also respecting yourself and your own needs. If they were good to you, be honest with them about exactly how you're feeling, which could include your fears. The book "non-violent communication" might be a good read for you to build that skill. But be careful about chasing toxic people if they haven't been good to you.
well after 4 years, living for 2 my avoidant ex seemed to move on quick. I was moving out my things from the apartment and I found out they screwed someone only 2 1/2- 3 weeks...so best to stay they are doing just fine..😓
They are the ones who rebound hard. This is kind of the definition of this attachment style. Do not take it personally.
Its funny how if you don’t love the person and they make it hard for you to leave them completely because you care for them as a person , and don’t want to hurt them so you see them 2-3 times a month , then you can be labeled FA or DA … the truth is your attachment style can be anxious for the person you do have real romantic feelings for if you’re unsure how they feel …
Do people in all relationships usually have one attachment style ?
Wierd. I feel this "describes" my situation to a tee. However, I haven't been in a relationship for years. So, I'm gonna watch this, but later, like 1month later. Thanks. I also knew another woman who gave great advice, but sometimes I couldnt/wouldn't listen to her great advice bc it was highly unsolicited and felt like a breach of privacy. I'll check this out in a month.
See you in a month!
-PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thanks. Dont throw out the baby with the bathwater as the old saying goes.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool I sense I'm FA, could you please clarify the course order I need to take please.
@@bernadettemeade7259
1) Emotional Mastery and Belief Reprogramming Course
2) Discover, Embrace and Fulfill Your Personal Needs
3) Healthy and Passionate Relationships after Emotional Pain (Re-programming
the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style)
4) Advanced Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style Course: Your Guide to Thrive in
the 6 Stages of a Relationship
5) Setting Boundaries to End Compulsive People-Pleasing & Create
Authentic Connections
6) Reparenting Your Inner Child to Transcend Attachment Trauma
7) Release Resentment from Relationships & Learn to Truly Forgive
8) Overcoming Unworthiness by Understanding and Accepting Your Shadow
9) Healthy Balance in Relationships: Ending Codependency &
Enmeshment
10) Conflict Resolution: Speaking Up & Steps to Healthily Resolve
Relationship Challenges
11) How a Securely Attached Person Shows up in Each of the 6 Stages of a
Relationship
12) Principles & Tools for Reprogramming the Subconscious Mind
13) Eliminate Your Inner Guilt & Shame to Access Your Full Potential
-PDS team member