How to support a partner with disorganised attachment | Moving from insecure to secure
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- Опубликовано: 27 июл 2024
- We all have an attachment style: it is the way we form and think about our relationships.
When we feel insecure about others and relationships, we are talking about insecure attachment. And disorganized attachment is one of them.
If the relationship with your partner feels unpredictable and like a constant "push and pull", this video is for you!
Chapters:
00:00 Intro
1:01 What is an attachment style
2:00 What is disorganized attachment
5:12 Working on transparency
6:54 Setting boundaries
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You described a very loving disorganized attachment ex whom i am still in love with.
I am giving her space, not sure how much space she needs and how long.
It is ways tricky, I know, to find the balance between "I am here no matter what" and "I won't take your space and your safety" so that you don't scare or push a person with disorganised attachment. 😢
Join the workshop on attachment I'm giving on the 26th October, because I'll share tools and tips for dealing with all three insecure styles and moving slowly to the secure one. 😍
www.antiloneliness.com/from-conflict-to-connection-through-safe-attachment.html
My partner has disorganized attachment style and it has been the most difficult relationship I have ever been in. We spent a lot of time in the beginning trying to prepare ourselves for the difficult feelings that arise within my partner and discussed ways to navigate the conversation when things come up. The biggest challenge, I have found, is that my partner does not understand her own needs. Her experience growing up makes it difficult or seemingly impossible to know what she needs to feel safe, heard, and connected. To make things more complicated, she states that it makes the situation worse for her when she has to think of how to tell someone how to care for her. So, I cannot ask "what do you need?" because it upsets her even more. Not knowing how to care for her has caused a lot of stress and conflict in our relationship. Its not as easy as offering a hug and saying, "I'm here for you". Little things can cause big upsets and it can be days before we can talk about a resolution. It has, at times, tested my patience and compassion. I have tried to renew my commitment to standing by her but I am often hurt by the way she treats me when we are in the midst of working through the emotions. As much as I offer reassurance and acceptance, my efforts seems to never be what my partner needs and since she won't tell me what she needs, I am not sure I will ever be able to figure it out on my own. All of this to say, be careful when you meet someone with disorganized attachment style. They can drag you down fast if you're not aware of the ways their mind works and leave you questioning everything about yourself and your existence.
It is extremely hard, I know. I feel you, I know how complicated, overwhelming and complex it is, since I've seen it my life but also in my sessions with the couples I treat.
Don't go through that alone: have you considered couples therapy? A therapist might be the third person, the objective observer in the relationship who can explain the patterns and give you more helpful alternative mechanisms to bring more connection.
I also find it useful, to have discussion about the patterns: "you want me to care, but when I care, you get upset." Again and again. With kindness and compassion, since it heals the shame that the person with disorganised attachment feels.
I'm here if you need any help.
Have a look at my attachment workshop (www.antiloneliness.com/from-conflict-to-connection-through-safe-attachment.html) as well as the attachment guide I have on the website (www.antiloneliness.com)
I'll post more about that style, I promise.
Thank you for your comment 🙏
It was the most painful experience of my life. I treated that woman with patience, love, kindness, respect, and gave plenty of space. I treated her child beautifully as well. The better I was the more I got rejected. She was too hung up on the previous guy that treated her like garbage and was “narcissistic”. I would have done anything for her. I ignored all the red flags though. That was my attachment so I’m to blame too. Said she hurts everyone she cares about, that I’d deserve better, and everyone leaves her life. I ignored it all. Then she tells me she doesn’t want anything but doesn’t want me out of her life. Then I find her on a dating app. It was absolutely crushing. Never again…next time I spot that again somewhere I’m gone !
@@fringbabyross4718 Thats my experience almost exactly! Im sorry you had to go through that.
@@Createwithyourself thank you ! I’m in trauma therapy now from it. It screwed my brain up good. The grief is real. I had to close the door on it forever. Changed cities, jobs, shut off my social media, and changed my phone number just so I could get away and heal. In the beginning it was beautiful then suddenly it was completely different. It was absolutely shocking. The pain is real. I’m sorry you went through it as well
I smiled today thanks to this video, I am disorganized type and we watched that together with my boyfriend who is also kindof insecured combined style :)
The best thing I've read today: a couple watching videos on Relationships together❤️! You are awesome! I hope you got something of use out of this 🙏😊
I've been with my wife for almost 2 years and we've had explosive fights every month since we've known each other. I've felt confused, scared at times, hopeless and alone...so of course I've been searching for answers on the internet to find answers. I've gone through the possibility of my wife being bipolar, having a borderline personality disorder, narcissistic traits, selfishness or just hateful and abusive tendencies. But it didn't make complete sense until I watched this video. It feels very validating and reassuring to connect with the information in this video. It feels very accurate to say my wife has a disorganized attachment style. And i'm pretty sure I have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, which doesnt help our situation. It feels very much like we go around in cycles of triggering each other. Why does it feel like it is getting worse the more we try to work on our communication issues. We are both in individual therapy and have started couples therapy again. But lately if feels very hard and hopeless. A lot of disconnection. And she avoids even talking to me.
Thank you for your comment and your honesty here. I am glad to hear that my video answer some long-due questions All insecure attachment styles live on a spectrum, and one person with disorganised style might manifest it at a different degree from another. The deeper the past wounds, the stronger the manifestation, the harder to change. It is great that you're both in therapy and in couples therapy. Focus on your healing as much as possible. Allow space and time for the process. I know how hard it is, I've worked with many couples at this stage. I promise to make more videos on this style 😉
I hope to find someone safe and willing enough to be my safe space and I heal enough to be theirs 😢
I wish the same for you ❤️
@@vassiasar ty 🫶🏻❤️
You may have saved my relationship. I'm going to message my ex and explain what I learned and that with that healthy boundary instead of silence is what we need. This is simple format he can digest. Again, love your soothing advice and accent. Thank you. :) I'll let you know how it goes.
I love everything you just said. I hope this explanation works for you. Wish you all the best 👌
Can I get a sample of a healthy boundary setting conversation? What I ran into a lot was trying to say, "ok, we can take space for this- when would you like to revisit this conversation?" And he would never want to return to it. He wanted me to get over it/ let go of it/ and he did not want to have to deal with it. A lot of our fights towards the end were me trying to voice feeling hurt over something, him getting upset that I felt hurt and lashing out at me (often kicking me out of the house, telling me to leave, give him space, etc) and then if I ever tried, either in the moment or a few days later, to try to set up a time to talk about it, he'd get furious again and cancel any plans we had, threaten to end things, kick me out again, cut communication, and so on.
What was I doing wrong, and how can I set and keep healthy boundaries to get at least some of my needs considered?
Thank you for this great question. Let me give some context first. People who avoid, avoid for a reason. One, they might have experienced a traumatic exposure to a caregivers feelings, and they are scared of listening to ANYONE'S feelings now. Two, they might have been invalidated and neglected (emotionally) to such a degree that they locked their own feelings as well as others' out of their lives. Three, there might be something overwhelming in our communication that triggers our partner's defenses. And the list goes on.. This is not an excuse, but an explanation. I don't know what has happened in your case, but in order to have our needs met by a disorganised or avoidantly-attached person, we need to make feelings safe again for them.
In other words, we are having our needs met when we are meeting their needs at the same time.
That might sound such as:
"Tell me what you don't like about the way I'm expressing my feelings, and I will listen. Because what we have is important and I am not here to scare you off or scold you, I'm here to love you in a way you've never been loved again. I want you to tell me how you feel and I will listen and I want the same for me. Shall we have a thought and discuss it in two days how this would look like?"
It will need many conversations, but eventually things will start moving towards the right direction, if both work on that.
If one is severely stuck on their trauma and they don't want to work on that, then there is no way that this can work, unfortunately.
I hope this helps.
Have a look at my course From Conflict to Connection where I talk about all 4 styles and how to talk to your partner according to their attachment style. I think it will be very useful for this or any other future relationship. 🙏
Thank You ma'am
You're so welcome!
Very helpful, thanks.
You're welcome! I'm glad that it was helpful!
I couldn’t trust his need for “space.” It meant he was off with another woman or women. No way to go but out with this one.
The need for space in healthy relationships is not used as an excuse to alienate and to seek connection elsewhere. It is only used as a way to self-soothe, collect our thoughts, connect with ourselves and soon connect back with our partner.
I'm so sorry that your kindness and patience was misused. I hope you are doing better now.
49 years on this earth and only now discovering this is my attachment style. I am saddened to know I have hurt others bc of this... I had NO idea what I was doing until now 😢 how do I know if I should stay in my relationship of YEARS or leave to heal? Please advise 🙏 Respectfully
Sorry for the late reply, I just saw your comment. I have a guide "Should I stay or should I go - how to tell the difference between healthy and toxic relationships", and it answers this question exactly. Shall I send it to you?
@@vassiasar send me this please :)
This was very insightful and practical, thank you.
Glad it was helpful, Nick! 😊
nice video
Thank you!
Thank you for this! Can you please make a video for the reverse person: how to be a better partner with this attachment style? I.e., this video is addressed to the partner of the disorganized. But what about the one who has it, and wants to change or is confused about whether their actions and style are sabotaging the relationship? More simply: am I really afraid or confused, or simply unfulfilled or uninterested? I emailed you a longer question...
I will surely make a video on that. Thank you for this valuable comment 🙏
I didnt watch the whole video yet but, everywhere they go they have to sign up and make a booking. So the website it's own will even tell them what do you want to place your order?
Its exhausting...it takes years if not decades to get these people to trust..the partner will need therapy themselves...😮😮
Absolutely. It's exhausting for the disorganised-attached person as well. They don't enjoy it, it's the result of their exposure to unpredictable, unstable, traumatic childhood experiences. It surely takes lots of therapy to heal but as all styles there levels of severity, and I have seen disorganised partners doing well in relationships and healing day by day. 😉
I just figured out my partner has this. She wants to ensure the relationship out. Of nothing. Is it possible we can talk?
Hi there! The more we know about our partner's attachment style (as well as ours), the better we can protection our relationship for the long run. I am here if you want to explore that, please go to www.antiloneliness.com and fill in the contact form. Looking forward to supporting you 😀
Can they just stay as friends?
The disorganised attachment or any attachment style refers to all close relationships, and therefore to friendships as well. You will still see the push and pull pattern as a friend, unless you decide on different expectations and standards. Makes sense?
@@vassiasar so for exes, it sounds like it's challenging to work towards the goal of getting married bc halfway thru, smth snaps and everything got to restart, is it?
@@vassiasar mmm yes
Don’t date people that do not have this problem sorted out yet.