I realized that I might’ve have a disorganized attachment style when I went on a few dates with a guy and gradually felt a strange sense of discomfort and palpable sense of dread even though he was being too nice… a little too nice for my comfort. On the other hand, I felt more attracted to unavailable people or rather, people i had felt attracted to were mostly the ghosters or didn’t contact again after a good first date and that created frustration in me. I am using EFT and learning more about the attachment styles to try and get over deeply programmed responses in my mind.
Yes, and it can be helpful to become aware of emotions and body sensations as you're doing, since we can pick up cues subconsciously. These cues can be triggers, like if someone else was nice to us in the past and then we were in a bad situation as a result, or emotions or sensations that cue us to a potential danger, such as a dangerous personality. Or it can be our own discomfort around receiving (more of an attachment wound in that case)
Me, too. I did 10 years of twelve step around this so I’m much more healed and very self loving but I’m still only attracted to avoidants. What I learned in the program is that I wasn’t just anxious; I was avoidant myself which is why if someone was too nice or too into me, I’d run as fast I could and I’d fault find and get easily annoyed or turned off. But if someone was running from me, I was madly in love and chasing them and obsessing over them. Now I’m very emotionally healthy but I’ve still been dating an avoidant for three years and finally starting to lose interest in the push and pull. And I’m just not attracted to anyone else, ever.
Great explanation of FA. I’ve done a deep dive in insecure attachment. Listened to Brad Reedy, Tatkin, Johnson, LePera, Leaf, Real, Mate, Lipton and many more. Crazy how the subconscious mind gets programmed, however makes complete sense. My biggest takeaway is that we want love, understanding and be seen. Things we didn’t get growing up. And we all handle, interpret and are effected by it so differently. How we protect ourselves. Was on the receiving end of FA, did the best I could to understand and be secure however the pushback, sabotaging, and projecting was a lot and he didn’t see the value to work through it together. He had false narrative of ‘I’m difficult to date.’ He proved himself correct, which they do. Lesson’s learnt for next time.
I am confused is the expression I often employed when dating the FA. I also had never experienced being shifted from the love of their life to enemy number 1 overnight. But if one enjoy rollercoaster rides it will be the best relationship ever. Never boring. Deep intimacy. You'll see through their beautiful soul and their deepest fears. One needs to remain very very grounded to lead the relationship with a FA towards a stable healthy commitment.
Would be helpful to have a manual when dating them. I had no idea. Now that I’ve read many books, RUclips and podcasts, I understand now what insecure attachment is all about. Hard lesson to learn, however I’ll know for next time.
For what it's worth, you've inextricably changed my outlook on the future, for the better, with this video. Just about every single behavior you stated throughout is a portrait-accurate description of me; save for a few. I am interested in seeking talk-therapy for my childhood abuse, and this video is going to be a tool I use to help with, and conquer my problems with relationships. Thank you, deeply; this is a real reason for hope.
I’ve been self learning about attachment theory for the past 2.5 years now, and this is one of the best videos aboutFAs that I have come across. In particular, I really appreciate that you mention that medical trauma can also be at the root of this attachment style, something that is often overlooked in other videos about this topic. I was born three months premature, and I am certain that is at the root of me being FA leaning AA. later on, there was also some generational family trauma and childhood bullying which I’m sure also added to the mix, but I’m quite certain spending the first three months of my life in an incubator in addition to having three surgeries before I was to years old had a tremendous impact on my nervous system.
@gogohappygirl Wow my mind is blown right now, I’m FA Ive been researching attachment style for prob prob two years or less. Lately I’ve trying to pinpoint where my attachment style actually formed then boom today I read your comment and it just clicked I was born a 1lbs 3oz severally under weight so I probably spent 4-6 months in incubator. It NEVER dawned on me that that could be were my attachment style developed because of medical reasons and later mother being inconsistent with parenting and presence…but the medical piece is a BIG piece wow. Thank you for writing your post, this brings a lot of perspective and clarity to me right now. Wow!!!
I understand the frustration, there was a time when I didn’t believe I would ever find the love I was looking for. Working on finding it in myself was part of the journey
Thanks for the excellent, really clear explanation. I relate to this description so very much. Would love more insight into and info on strategies to ‘rewrite’ those automatic nervous system responses in people with disorganised attachment style. Especially if you already recognise it in yourself but don’t know how to stop it negatively affecting your relationship. Thanks so much for this video!
Thanks for watching! One of the most important areas to focus on for this attachment style is nervous system regulation and a felt sense feeling of safety and calm. You might enjoy this post: www.kaylilarkin.com/blog/get-triggered-less-disorganized-fearful-attachment
I had one date with a man. He was so calm and lovely, I was so scared during the date and post date. We had talked over text and over the phone prior and the date was just to hang out. I was waiting for his message to tell me he wanted a second date and I completely panicked. I tried to end it there and he asked if we could stay friends. I didn’t know if I could even handle that. That need to want to be close to someone emotionally and physically is too scary and friendship seemed great but still too risky when you feel scared. I just felt like it was not fair to him to be in this constant back and forth state. He ended up blocking me. So I’m dealing with that rejection. I’m trying to forget now and focus on my healing so this doesn’t happpen again.
I feel you. I'm struggling with rejection too. It's so hurting and frustrating when you can't even handle nice people around you. This feeling of danger never go away. It's literally everywhere. It's so exhausting..
Thank you so much for this, I'm healing my disorganized attachment (fearful avoidant style) that I developed as a result of severe childhood abuse. This channel is doing such helpful work! 🙂
Nice video. I’m definitely FA, and I don’t like it. I definitely let others know what my boundaries are and I have no problem with conflict. If I’m in fight or flight mode, my body always goes into fight, and I go into that mode from 0 to 60 in a second. The good thing is that when I get mad, I know not to start hitting people, punching walls or throwing things.
The content and presentation of your material was impressive, I enjoyed this and learned so much about the Disorganized Attachment Style, which seems to describe my long suffering partner. Thank you!
I'm a secure attachment and partner is disorganized. Whenever I ask something or try to be emotionally intimate he immediately accuses ME of "being a victim" and it makes no sense to me. I'll say "tell me more or is it this?" And he will snap and say "stop pretending you're the victim" . I'm becoming pretty upset as he's accusing me of something.
That sort of turnaround isn’t specific to disorganized, but can happen and it’s confusing and frustrating, especially when you’re trying to connect and understand. Perhaps a lack of trust from his side that you genuinely want to understand? Since this style dealt with chaos and unsafe connections, it can be hard to trust that their partner is genuine and safe.
Loss, along with many other difficult experiences, can contribute to insecure attachment style. Fortunately our attachment style is malleable in positive ways as well.
Thanks you for the info. I just realized the woman I've been dating has this problem, after watching your video. She always try to find out what I'm doing and asks me to do things together to make sure every free moment I have is in her company so that I don't have time to date other women. This is the impression I get. One time I told her I don't want to hear from her anymore and she claims she was wrecked for days after that. We're still dating. Please give me your honest opinion. Should I leave her? I currently feel sorry for her and don't want to cause her pain. But I don't want her to harm me at some point because of this issue? What should I do?
Thank you for watching! Sounds like a difficult situation that you are both in right now where she’s wanting more time together and you’re wanting less. I can’t offer advice of whether to stay or go, but often people in a pursuer-distance dynamic benefit from exploring strategies to help both people’s attachment systems, so that whichever path they choose, they’re coming from a place of compassion and boundaries both for themselves and for the other person. Most importantly though, if someone is concerned about harm, it is a good idea to seek external support from a trained professional.
I don't know if you should leave that person or not not my place to say but I don't think feeling sorry for someone is a good enough reason to start a romantic relationship. Maybe be friends?
Get some couples therapy straight away. She’s having a trauma response. At the core, she didn’t get the love, understanding, security and being seen in her life. You can support her, however she needs to accept and do the work. It takes a 3rd party to let her know you’re a safe secure person. They are behaving out of fear and uncertainty. Most of our behavior is 90% subconscious. Good luck.
I don’t have a specific answer but for some people, it can be painful to see their patterns because it reveals where their needs are not being met. Especially if we’re not aware of or haven’t worked through the painful stuff. Please reach out for support if you need it while learning.
For me, it has caused me pain because I feel regret about my previous relationship. I wish I knew about my attachment style sooner so I could understand what was happening in my relationship.
I realized that I might’ve have a disorganized attachment style when I went on a few dates with a guy and gradually felt a strange sense of discomfort and palpable sense of dread even though he was being too nice… a little too nice for my comfort. On the other hand, I felt more attracted to unavailable people or rather, people i had felt attracted to were mostly the ghosters or didn’t contact again after a good first date and that created frustration in me. I am using EFT and learning more about the attachment styles to try and get over deeply programmed responses in my mind.
Yes, and it can be helpful to become aware of emotions and body sensations as you're doing, since we can pick up cues subconsciously. These cues can be triggers, like if someone else was nice to us in the past and then we were in a bad situation as a result, or emotions or sensations that cue us to a potential danger, such as a dangerous personality. Or it can be our own discomfort around receiving (more of an attachment wound in that case)
I’m fa and this is exactly what I do
Me, too. I did 10 years of twelve step around this so I’m much more healed and very self loving but I’m still only attracted to avoidants. What I learned in the program is that I wasn’t just anxious; I was avoidant myself which is why if someone was too nice or too into me, I’d run as fast I could and I’d fault find and get easily annoyed or turned off. But if someone was running from me, I was madly in love and chasing them and obsessing over them. Now I’m very emotionally healthy but I’ve still been dating an avoidant for three years and finally starting to lose interest in the push and pull. And I’m just not attracted to anyone else, ever.
One of the best videos I've seen on attachment styles and how it manifests in relationships.
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Great explanation of FA. I’ve done a deep dive in insecure attachment. Listened to Brad Reedy, Tatkin, Johnson, LePera, Leaf, Real, Mate, Lipton and many more. Crazy how the subconscious mind gets programmed, however makes complete sense. My biggest takeaway is that we want love, understanding and be seen. Things we didn’t get growing up. And we all handle, interpret and are effected by it so differently. How we protect ourselves. Was on the receiving end of FA, did the best I could to understand and be secure however the pushback, sabotaging, and projecting was a lot and he didn’t see the value to work through it together. He had false narrative of ‘I’m difficult to date.’ He proved himself correct, which they do. Lesson’s learnt for next time.
Beautifully said, we all want things we didn't get early on
I am confused is the expression I often employed when dating the FA.
I also had never experienced being shifted from the love of their life to enemy number 1 overnight.
But if one enjoy rollercoaster rides it will be the best relationship ever. Never boring. Deep intimacy. You'll see through their beautiful soul and their deepest fears. One needs to remain very very grounded to lead the relationship with a FA towards a stable healthy commitment.
Would be helpful to have a manual when dating them. I had no idea. Now that I’ve read many books, RUclips and podcasts, I understand now what insecure attachment is all about. Hard lesson to learn, however I’ll know for next time.
This made me cry before 5 min in due to really relating to what had been said
I’m sorry it made you cry and I hope there’s some healing or clarity in there. Feel free to reach out through my website if you need support.
For what it's worth, you've inextricably changed my outlook on the future, for the better, with this video. Just about every single behavior you stated throughout is a portrait-accurate description of me; save for a few.
I am interested in seeking talk-therapy for my childhood abuse, and this video is going to be a tool I use to help with, and conquer my problems with relationships. Thank you, deeply; this is a real reason for hope.
I'm happy to hear the video is giving you reflection and hope, good luck in your journey
I’ve been self learning about attachment theory for the past 2.5 years now, and this is one of the best videos aboutFAs that I have come across. In particular, I really appreciate that you mention that medical trauma can also be at the root of this attachment style, something that is often overlooked in other videos about this topic. I was born three months premature, and I am certain that is at the root of me being FA leaning AA. later on, there was also some generational family trauma and childhood bullying which I’m sure also added to the mix, but I’m quite certain spending the first three months of my life in an incubator in addition to having three surgeries before I was to years old had a tremendous impact on my nervous system.
@gogohappygirl
Wow my mind is blown right now, I’m FA Ive been researching attachment style for prob prob two years or less. Lately I’ve trying to pinpoint where my attachment style actually formed then boom today I read your comment and it just clicked I was born a 1lbs 3oz severally under weight so I probably spent 4-6 months in incubator. It NEVER dawned on me that that could be were my attachment style developed because of medical reasons and later mother being inconsistent with parenting and presence…but the medical piece is a BIG piece wow. Thank you for writing your post, this brings a lot of perspective and clarity to me right now. Wow!!!
At age 35 i eventually threw in the towel with dating and relationships and finding love. Its just the biggest headache and heart ache in the world.
I understand the frustration, there was a time when I didn’t believe I would ever find the love I was looking for. Working on finding it in myself was part of the journey
Thanks for the excellent, really clear explanation. I relate to this description so very much. Would love more insight into and info on strategies to ‘rewrite’ those automatic nervous system responses in people with disorganised attachment style. Especially if you already recognise it in yourself but don’t know how to stop it negatively affecting your relationship. Thanks so much for this video!
Thanks for watching! One of the most important areas to focus on for this attachment style is nervous system regulation and a felt sense feeling of safety and calm. You might enjoy this post: www.kaylilarkin.com/blog/get-triggered-less-disorganized-fearful-attachment
This video has really helped me understand my Fearful avoidant gf
Excellent content.
Thank you for watching, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
I had one date with a man. He was so calm and lovely, I was so scared during the date and post date. We had talked over text and over the phone prior and the date was just to hang out. I was waiting for his message to tell me he wanted a second date and I completely panicked. I tried to end it there and he asked if we could stay friends. I didn’t know if I could even handle that. That need to want to be close to someone emotionally and physically is too scary and friendship seemed great but still too risky when you feel scared. I just felt like it was not fair to him to be in this constant back and forth state. He ended up blocking me. So I’m dealing with that rejection. I’m trying to forget now and focus on my healing so this doesn’t happpen again.
I feel you. I'm struggling with rejection too. It's so hurting and frustrating when you can't even handle nice people around you. This feeling of danger never go away. It's literally everywhere. It's so exhausting..
It is so relatable that i am crying
Whew. I cried within the first 5 mins.
Thank you so much for this, I'm healing my disorganized attachment (fearful avoidant style) that I developed as a result of severe childhood abuse. This channel is doing such helpful work! 🙂
have you made any progress? i feel bad for my boyfriend i want to run away i feel so uncomfortable but i want to heal it for him
How do you heal it? I just found out this is what I have and it’s basically destroyed my relationship
Nice video. I’m definitely FA, and I don’t like it. I definitely let others know what my boundaries are and I have no problem with conflict. If I’m in fight or flight mode, my body always goes into fight, and I go into that mode from 0 to 60 in a second. The good thing is that when I get mad, I know not to start hitting people, punching walls or throwing things.
Kayli. Thank you for that explanation. Gives me more to work with and on in what has been a frustrating life journey.
You're welcome, and I'm glad the explanation gave you insight on the work and on your journey. :)
The content and presentation of your material was impressive, I enjoyed this and learned so much about the Disorganized Attachment Style, which seems to describe my long suffering partner. Thank you!
Thank you, I'm glad the videos have been helpful
Good helpful video information .😢 Thank you.
I’m glad it was helpful!
I'm a secure attachment and partner is disorganized. Whenever I ask something or try to be emotionally intimate he immediately accuses ME of "being a victim" and it makes no sense to me. I'll say "tell me more or is it this?" And he will snap and say "stop pretending you're the victim" . I'm becoming pretty upset as he's accusing me of something.
That sort of turnaround isn’t specific to disorganized, but can happen and it’s confusing and frustrating, especially when you’re trying to connect and understand. Perhaps a lack of trust from his side that you genuinely want to understand? Since this style dealt with chaos and unsafe connections, it can be hard to trust that their partner is genuine and safe.
12:15 can you do more on the stances? And the osculation between the two?
Thank you for the content suggestion, I’ll add it to the queue ☺️
Very good.
Thank you!
Can adult traumatic loss trigger an attachment disturbance if they have ptsd?
Loss, along with many other difficult experiences, can contribute to insecure attachment style. Fortunately our attachment style is malleable in positive ways as well.
Thanks you for the info. I just realized the woman I've been dating has this problem, after watching your video. She always try to find out what I'm doing and asks me to do things together to make sure every free moment I have is in her company so that I don't have time to date other women. This is the impression I get. One time I told her I don't want to hear from her anymore and she claims she was wrecked for days after that. We're still dating. Please give me your honest opinion. Should I leave her? I currently feel sorry for her and don't want to cause her pain. But I don't want her to harm me at some point because of this issue? What should I do?
Thank you for watching! Sounds like a difficult situation that you are both in right now where she’s wanting more time together and you’re wanting less. I can’t offer advice of whether to stay or go, but often people in a pursuer-distance dynamic benefit from exploring strategies to help both people’s attachment systems, so that whichever path they choose, they’re coming from a place of compassion and boundaries both for themselves and for the other person. Most importantly though, if someone is concerned about harm, it is a good idea to seek external support from a trained professional.
I don't know if you should leave that person or not not my place to say but I don't think feeling sorry for someone is a good enough reason to start a romantic relationship. Maybe be friends?
Get some couples therapy straight away. She’s having a trauma response. At the core, she didn’t get the love, understanding, security and being seen in her life. You can support her, however she needs to accept and do the work. It takes a 3rd party to let her know you’re a safe secure person. They are behaving out of fear and uncertainty. Most of our behavior is 90% subconscious. Good luck.
❤
Why is learning about this stuff causing me emotional pain?
I don’t have a specific answer but for some people, it can be painful to see their patterns because it reveals where their needs are not being met. Especially if we’re not aware of or haven’t worked through the painful stuff. Please reach out for support if you need it while learning.
For me, it has caused me pain because I feel regret about my previous relationship. I wish I knew about my attachment style sooner so I could understand what was happening in my relationship.