One toxic thing about Captain Cook culture is it makes "catching feelings" (i.e. developing fondness, affection, love, attachment) from a physical relationship become almost a bad thing, a weakness. In reality, I think it's completely healthy (and common) to view physical intimacy as something closely related to emotional/romantic intimacy. There's nothing wrong with falling in love, but it seems like in Captain Cook culture, you have to cut off these feelings to stay sane. Of course there are people who can have sex with no feelings, just purely physical. But for a lot of people (especially women) this isn't in our nature, and it's okay to be honest with ourselves about it.
@astrid liliencron You don't have to "wait til marriage" for one, and if one doesn't want to commit to a relationship but wants physical intimacy yet feels dissatisfied or even depressed when there is no emotional connection or commitment, then it just becomes a never-ending cycle of contradictions. Those aren't good enough reasons as to why "then don't do it" isn't a good enough suggestion, because the people who might receive this advice in the first place aren't the type of people who are able to detach their feelings which is why they are having a problem with hookup culture to begin with.
@☽ 𝗞𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗶𝗶 𝗔𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗮n ☾ There was a study about how the hookup culture messes with a person's ability to "pair bond". Usually after 3 sexual partners it becomes hard for people to form lasting bonds with a partner which is why there is a rise in divorce rate.
Yeah I kinda like being single and having the freedom but still being able to choose when and who I want to have sex with, i also don't want kids so that might be part of it.
@@if5248 that exact reason is why i started doing casual relationships. Younger men aka men my age simply werent grown enough for a healthy relationship
@@if5248 If there was a sure way to tell if a man is serious about having a long term relationship I would tell you. But I cant think of anything. Some men have Peter Pan syndrome and live life with the least amount of responsibility. Other men want a family or at least a life time relationship. But think the situation is not right. He wants to establish his career first. Want improvement of his financial situation first. Others struggle with health issues and feel that would drag their relationship down. Or they have mental health issues though childhood trauma or unlucky genetics. Some feel he needs more life experience before he really knows what he wants in a relationship. This is all information from me and my male friends. The worst men are those who string you along and lie about themselves. I think women also have many reasons for having a relationship or putting it of. I feel fine without a relationship. As I have enough to deal with with bad and good. And freedom is important to me. This does not mean freedom to sleep around. I just put my time and energy in different aspects of my life. I focus on family friends and animals.
There are definitely pros... Hit some battling practice before you go to the show. Everyone is just trying to figure it out at that point just don't be an asshole about your intentions
I have always been a relationship guy. Being an introvert and empath, meaningless sex just didn't seem like it was for me. However after a 10 year relationship ended and I jumped back into dating back in 2018, the landscape was much different. Nobody seemed serious and "hookup culture" was the norm. I finally gave it a shot and got on dating apps. Had a one night stand with someone I met off Bumble. I had really nothing in common with her, she just wanted to hook up with me because I reminded her of the KPOP idols she was so in love with. She was attractive, and the sex felt good physically, but the lack of real connection made it feel like a completely hollow and empty experience. Not to mention the effort and time spent just for the hookup seemed like a waste of time. It made me realize I wasn't wired to enjoy meaningless sex, and decided it wasn't something I'd ever want to do again.
Same as you, except I didn't even bother participating. I've seen how damaged people become doing this. Nobody comes out a better person. Western society is doomed. Glad I'm still clean from all this.
Why is the sex meaningless to you? It's analogous to having a good conversation with someone on the bus. Just because neither of you will ever talk again doesn't have to diminish the enjoyment you both experienced. Connecting with people should always be meaningful.
Can I propose that sex is an act that builds a connection? It seems to me that it's up to interpretation. My personal interpretation is that it's a great way of connecting with another person and you can learn a lot about someone that way, especially in the conversations that happen afterwards.
From my experience there are 0 positives for women lol. My friends always ask me how I can go so long with not having “fun with a guy physically” and that I’m being a no fun prude. Lol well 99% of the time, you literally leave the situation dissatisfied and wondering why you didn’t just order something off Adam & eve, so yeah I’m good love. 🤣😂🤡
I took part in hookup culture because everybody else seemed to enjoy it and I felt like it was empowering at first, only to realise I was delusional. My partners were emotionally distant and not willing to satisfy me but I made excuses for them, I thought I wasn’t supposed to care because they weren’t in a committed relationship with me. Now I feel horrible for allowing people to disrespect me so much.
It really sucks because I’m a very traditional man and I hate hook up culture because I’m always ready to devote everything for the right girl but it seems almost every girl I’ve talked to has been severely hurt by this culture and have felt used, so in retrospect they don’t believe that I’m actually a committed man ready to give them what they need. It’s a shame that this is what the norm is now. Thankfully through many efforts I found a girl that realized I wasn’t going anywhere.
Just make sure to express that if she cheats or uses you there is consequences. I'd recommended Alexander Graces RUclips Chanel he has good balanced videos of this topic.
I am thankful that this comment section has an understanding that hookup culture is not healthy and ruins love and real relationships. Thankful that the majority (i hope) still have hope and faith in loving healthy relationships and not carelessly giving everyone access to intimate parts of ourselves.
It really sucks when you get physically intimate with someone with the hopes we’d become a couple and then it goes nowhere. You get ghosted. Now I’m left to pick up the pieces.
My new philosophy in life: no sex before I REALLY, I mean: REALLY get to know someone no matter how attracted I am to them. Attraction means NOTHING when it comes to character and personality.
@@nathanu.6931 yes it’s true regardless even if someone is an atheist . Energy is energy , and when you have sex your basically entering another’s energy field
@@nathanu.6931 oh yes totally I agree 0011 . The kingdom of heaven is within . When we intertwine our energies = spirits with unhealthy people we end up taking on their traumas ect aswell
But we're never actually physically touching anyone; we almost get there but there is a minute space in between So the feelings we feel are borne out of an illusion we feed ourselves
Highly appreciate this Ana!! :D As a 24 year old female, I realised that not only did I hurt myself but I also hurt the men I hooked up with. I felt horrible having to reject them as I totally only wanted the physical part from them - yet they wanted more with me. Only to also happen to me when I realised that I wanted more with a guy. I kept trying to fill the empty voids in me, repeating the same lines over and over, exhausting myself with trying to impress to other.... Only to still be very empty and not growing at all. I had a sex and porn addiction too which I'm so grateful for my ex-bf in helping me realise that, real love is so much more than just the physical attraction. I thank him for loving me in the most genuine and supportive way. Healthy relationships and a true loving connection absolutely wins over something so fleeting as physical hookups - the emotional attachment I have with the person I love and who also feels that way with me, made sex (and after sex) a million times amazing. I am now actively choosing to stay away from casual hookups as I've experienced what I needed to and I can say that.. I've fulfilled my curiosity. I am either alone or in a committed (healthy) relationship - that's a non-negotiable for myself.
I dated a girl who had a very strong fcukgirl phase and she was so deep that when she wanted to be serious we me she literally didnt know how to be faithful or to set physical/texting boundaries with strangers anymore It was the most fcuked up relationship i have ever been into Even if she wasnt sexually unfaithfull (i hope at least) her values were damaged beyond repair
It's funny but on hindsight, I had realized that being antisocial, socially clueless and too distracted by mental health issues as a kid/teenager/young adult was one of the best things that happened to me. I eventually resolved my mental health issues, built a very strong sense of identity and gained some social skills, but am still free of issues such as drinking/smoking/sex/body image issues/social media that usually result from peer pressure (I was a bit shocked when I discovered that my high school had a reputation of students coming out as no longer virgins - I hadn't noticed at all, that's how clueless I was). I'll probably stay single for the rest of my life, but I'm fine with that too, because from my experience, I don't enjoy dating at all. My old-age goal is to become a crazy cat lady with a few great friends for occasional conversations, maybe find a few younger people to mentor and a few charities to contribute my time to.
Trust me your a diamond waiting to be found. Sometimes life throws things at us that we find out later in the future that it was actually for our benefit. I’m glad you overcame your challenges and we’re able to stay away from those things that would had otherwise possibly ruined a very happy future free of regrets. Cheers👌🏽
I really appreciate that you keep your videos language appropriate. I want my girls, who are 10 and 9 at the moment, to be able to listen to some of them. Thank you for that!!!
Hi Ana, do you think you will make a video about age gaps in relationships eventually, especially from the perspective of a younger woman? I feel like you'd have a lot to tell us, I trust your perspectives and expertise.
Women can never do anything without criticism. We’re damned if we do and we’re damned if we don’t. This is why I don’t care anymore. I don’t even bother with men. I prefer to be alone. Most men have emotional issues, insecurities and baggage that they don’t bother to deal with then project it into the women around them. I no longer have the energy for it.
I really hope to see studies like this on older people. College students aren’t really fully formed imo just based on age. I’m curious what this looks like for 30+ people
That's a good point, my dissertation is focused on the college population cause that's where hookup culture has traditionally been most rampant, but it would be super interesting to look at other age groups, especially as the dating scene shifts moving forward
@@robertsmith6188 can you provide a source for the claim "psychologically a woman cannot bond with a man if she has lived the life of a loose tramp"? Is that just an issue for women or also for men? Meaning men that have lived the live of a TRAMP are unable to remain married to one woman in a loving relationship for the rest of his life. I am curious how gender plays into this, that would be an interesting read, I'm looking forward to reading the study that discussed these topics.
Unfortunately, many 30-40 year olds are acting like 20 year olds with this hookup garbage. Society is going down the drain due to a lack of Christian moral values.
This is really fantastic content you're creating. I was struck by your points concerning hegemonic masculinity. Personally I am an introvert (and a man so there's no confusion). I have never been inclined to 'joining in', team membership, group participation, etc. I do not have controlling impulses toward anyone, and find such behavior highly distasteful. I say all of that, because I have never been interested in casual, non-committed, interactions. So, your analysis seems spot on.
I am 40 years old. I remember this type of culture and masculinity being around when I was in college. I genuinely that that had started to soften/grow smaller over time. But here I am, 20 years later, and I am hearing that nothing has changed. Very sad to hear it:(
Straight facts! Thank you so much, I have been saying things along these lines for ages and people don't listen. I hate when they feame the hook up culture to women physical empowering while I can't see for the lofe of me how is it beneficial to me. I only see it as a manipulative way to make woman engage in this activity on her "own will". And the argument about woman being "emotional" and can only enjoy intercourse in a committed relationship. When in reality most man doesn't give a freaking fly about woman pleasure except for a long term partner. Which get me back to my first point. How could woman even benefit from such a culture where you are only meant to please a misogynistic stranger who only cares about looking manly enough around his peers. Us woman we need to wake up and step up our games. I hate to see fellow girls falling for this trap. And we don't even talk about the R-word and it correlation with drugs and hook up culture. Very devastating.
In your opinion, do you feel that hookup culture should be something that's glorified, encouraged, shamed, discouraged, etc? It seems like traditionally college students including myself were told to have as much fun as possible and to enjoy the college life which tended to insinuate participating freely in hookup culture. In my opinion it seems to me that there are more drawbacks to this culture than benefits to both men and women, but I was curious to hear your thoughts if you were comfortable with sharing.
With such a nuanced topic, I think it requires a nuanced answer: -Everyone should identify what it is that they actually desire (whether it be commitment or lack of if) -Everyone should have the freedom to participate in hookup culture and not be shamed for it if that's what they truly desire -Everyone should feel empowered to not participate or request commitment if that's what they truly desire -If they do participate in hookup culture, they need to also be mindful of the emotional needs of others, and to practice transparency and respect -Everyone should be informed about the potential negative consequences of participating, since these consequences are considerable -Hookup culture needs to stop being glorified as empowering, because it's just clearly another avenue in which the patriarchy exerts itself
@@AnaPsychology Interesting. I agree with your views. However I find it ironic that the post-modern feminist movement typically describes hookup culture as empowering when you're saying the opposite (I'm not assuming you are or aren't a feminist or anything). But I guess why do you think that post-modern feminism regards hookup culture as empowering when it seems to play right into the patriarchy? I'm thinking maybe because at the surface it gives women more freedom of choice compared to tradition... I guess it also depends on how you define the word "empowering".
As an Eastern European, I found this really interesting! Our norms for hookup culture and relationships are much different than they are here in the U.S.
@@gardenwonder7977 actually, misogynists are the people who need to see these videos the MOST. we don’t want them flocking to hate groups and becoming more hateful in their thinking.
I think the reason why “cook” culture was viewed as empowering for women was because previously women were expected to get married right out of high school and often stayed in unsatisfying marriages. Even now when I’ve met people who get married young at say 18, people tend to think that they’ve missed out on so much life but settling down so soon. The ironic part is that many women don’t feel empowered by the modern alternative that’s been pushed. I think that what became the hookup culture is something that was viewed as a step up by second wave feminists and the results of which weren’t born out until todays third wave feminists came about. Most likely some new way to date will have to develop that isn’t chivalry and early marriage but also isn’t the current hookup culture. Some kind of middle ground. As far as men go, I think there will always be some men who take advantage of whatever the dating scene and it will view it as a game to be won. This will happen whether men make the rules or women, since men were viewed as the beneficiaries of both dating cultures.
What I've never understood is how this is supposed to help someone find themselves? I grew up conservative so the idea that getting laid with multiple partners somehow helps you figure yourself out
I was always under the impression that I'm the only one who just doesn't fit this hookup mentailty. Personally I never much engaged with it because even when I did it with a friend, who is still one of my best friends today, I don't deal well with this feeling of being "disposable"? I just assumed maybe that is me having abandonment issues I have to look at, but I definitely started overthinking that hookup for at least a day and figured it's really not for me and I'm okay with that, I don't have to prove anything about not being emotionally affected by the decisions I make. The other thing is though that I end up in relationships because I'm transparent about how I feel, I tell a guy that I will develop feelings, that's just how I'm wired, and that I've gotten over a broken heart before, they can't do anything to break me, so they don't have to feel responsible for how I feel, and that kinda lifts the tension about the situation. I know sometimes life happens, no one owes me a relationship because I caught feelings, sometimes the time isn't right, maybe they just don't see in me what I see in them and that happens and that's okay, I can respect a guy like that if he can respect me when I pull away because I notice it's having a negative effect on me. It's not a recipe to get into a relationship, just my experience. I never went into these things thinking I'll get into a relationship, but this type of transparency that heartbreak is the cost for participating in hookups and friends with benefits situations has somehow opened up each guy I dated to be vulnerable and transparent about their feelings aswell. The reason why most men are looking for a hookup is because they seek validation too, and they get that by feeling loved and appreciated. Some guys are stuck in this idea that they are unlovable and they will project that insecurity onto you and even when they keep returning, no one pays me to deal with their issues, I have my own peace to take care of. TLDR: listen to your feelings and have develop boundries that work for you
not true at all but because the media promotes the hookup culture so relentlessly in so many ways it can easily feel like yer the only one not buying into it. especially when not buying into it is also so commonly portrayed as a form of weakness.
@@NoirL.A. I'm not sure what you're getting at. Could you be more precise? I just said I didn't mich engage with it, the reason for that is that I just always end up in relationships so I don't know if I just don't fit a certain statistic or something. But maybe this is a misunderstanding, so I'd like to ask you to elaborate, all in a well meant fashion, I'm not looking for an arguement (just to set s tone, the internet can make us seem more cold and snarky than we often intend)
@@corneliahanimann2173 I was always under the impression that I'm the only one who just doesn't fit this hookup mentailty not true at all but because the media promotes the hookup culture so relentlessly in so many ways it can easily feel like yer the only one not buying into it especially when not buying into it is also so commonly portrayed as a form of weakness.
@Andrei Georgescu No I'm self aware. I don't sleep with strangers because I realise that I have a bad reaction to it. I see that this works for others because they don't spiral from a one night stand, but it's just not for me. You're kinda flipping it around by acting like I have abandonment issues because I don't sleep with complete strangers while I'm explaining that I'm making choices for my individual mental profile and specific issues, this is why I say i don't fit in with this hookup culture. I- unlike other people, start overthinking these things to an unhealty degree. Unless I'm perfectly capable of communicating my needs to a sexual partner and feel like I can trust others will respect that I have to make decisions for myself, I won't sleep with that person. This implies that I also already have a development of trust and respect with that person, so the people I sleep with are never strangers. Why are you asking me if I'm insane. I share my vulnerability with you and open up about my own thought patterns and the first thing you do as a result is insult me. Have I done something to hurt you that you felt comfortable to use my words against me in this way? If so I would like to know in what way I have been offensive so I know how ignorant I was or maybe how I said something insensitive. I just find this reaction a bit inappropriate because I don't even know you, my first encounter with you is your insult directed at me.
I start imagining our life together whenever a girl simply compliments me in passing. No way I could casually have sex and move on without "catching feelings". It just feels so unnatural to me.
I am not upping my body count for shitty sex, a wasted orgasm and for a guy who keeps his fucking socks on during sex. EVER AGAIN. Celibacy is the greatest thing I’ve ever done for myself. God is pleased w me.
This video is so informative and is helping me at the right time in my life right now. Can you make a how-to video on transitioning from a casual first few dates to something more serious? In a way that you don’t want to scare them off but also don’t want to be in their endless rotation.
I have a more casual video called "watch this if you want him to commit" (it's clickbait, don't worry!) that goes into your questions more in-depth. Hope it helps :)
There's sort of nothing you can do but vet the person properly. You must be upfront with what you're looking for. "I'm looking to really get to know someone, I'm not interested in this whole hook up culture thing". He will delete himself from your life if he's looking for quick sex after that. You don't have to say the word "relationship". If a man wants you, you KNOW about it. There are no games, there's no beating around the bush, no tentative stuff. The vast majority of men are impulsive when they find a woman they really want to be with. You don't have to guess. Overall advice ...don't push anything. Let him take the lead and most importantly, DO NOT put all of your eggs in one basket. Date, date, date. Do not just keep to one guy and hedge your bets. That leads to a one-sided power dynamic and you get hooked on waiting on this one guy ...no ...dating is a numbers game. Men will say literally anything to get into your underwear. I would say, unless you are in a truly official relationship and he has invested time, attention, resources and money then he may not be feeling it. If he is rushing you in any way then red flag. Lastly, keep a strong set of boundaries and a strong criteria for what you're looking for. Not the perfect guy, but things you need. Like, you want him to like dogs, you want him to drive, you want him to live alone etc. Keeping a basic criteria but allowing for room for individuality is key. And enjoy the process! Laugh at the bad dates, use them as practice, and never feel bad about stating clearly what you want, no matter how charming he is and tries to get around it and into bed.
Thank you for making this well researched and scientific video. I regrettably was one of those guys that promoted this culture, and I surely caused said problems. I have since changed my view, but I never knew that the culture I once belonged to was so harmful. I feel awful and guilty. When I hear younger people speak, they seem to be going in the right direction: more LGBT friendly and less toxic masculinity. I would love to know if this notion of mine is baked up in newer research
This study confirms one thing for sure, *that it really sucks being a woman* If a single woman has physical needs, first thing she has to do is invest her time (days!) and mental energy in a serious relationship, just to have good quality of 'fun'. Frustrating, really! Also, Honeymoon period does not last forever, therefore we have the *Orgasm Gap in serious relationship/marriage* Joys of being a straight woman.. Yay!!
As a male presenting person, I've always been a relationship person and I never understood hookup culture. Fun time with someone that I connected with emotionally was always so much more fun
We as humans have a mind body and soul. Shutting down your feelings to hook up with someone is not healthy. You might feel good because you have rush of hormones and temporary affection but then you have nothing. The guys see woman as a vagina and not consider her for a relationship. Then all the people that do this cheapen the value of both a man and a woman because then what's left? When you've given your body heart and attention to all of these other people. It's a form of addiction and a wasting effect does happen as a result. Don't be cheap and be real. God made sex to be a sacred act. Obviously it may not feel that way with everyone because you're emotionally disconnected. Like a robot not a human.
I've heard about some research about Gen Z's sexual behavior that suggests it's actually men who ask first for turning a casual into a serious long-term relationship and that it is women who initiate discussions about switching into an open relationship. Did you come across any of that or is this just bs?
It'd be interesting to see what you have to say or what you learned about hookup culture in the gay communities. I wonder how different the experiences are 🤔
I’m diving into how specific aspects of people’s identities (sexual orientation, race, religion, SES) influence their experience with hookup culture in a later video :)
Different people have different responses to peer pressure. The goal is for everyone to be able to firm with their boundaries, but a lot of young people aren’t there yet.
@@tillycomedy2194 Peer pressure? These videos are about college age students. If you are in college and allow someone to pressure you into joining hookup culture, that's just pathetic and an excuse. Nobody held a gun to your head. Accountability folks
Wow! I've been on ~50 dates over the past 4 years on all kinds of dating apps. I can agree with everything you said. At this point I don't care ,don't have the energy for it
I’ve been on a lot of dates too, and I’m officially over it lol. Especially with meeting guys from dating apps, most of them aren’t worth my time and we both basically end up playing each other anyways with our other matches 🤷♀️
Hasn't this been a thing for... decades? It's not like it's todays generation of frat/sororities creating this culture. And honestly, in my experience that culture is starting to wane.
I saved myself for marriage only to find that my mysoginistic husband expected me to be a porn star and a virgin at the same time 🤦♀️ it doesnt work that way! He ended up cheating on me and abusing me. Despite him cheating on me and me being faithfull, he accused me of cheating constantly. He told my sister he only cheated on me because i wasnt good enough in bed 🤦♀️ he used the girls he cheated with and i even felt sorry for them. They didnt even know he was married and he spread an STD to all of us. That is how i found out 💔... being told i had an STD even tho i was married and faithful. Even with evidence he never admitted to my face he cheated and blamed the std on me til the very end.
you should make a video on how to find a good mental health professional when you don't have mental health insurance or have medicaid and are limited in funds, and have debilitating mental health issues. everyone's like, "well duh! you're not going to find the right one on the first try!" but also, "you should really put the effort in and go to a therapist several times before making a decision" like I got money to be doing that.
If it’s your first time finding a therapist, try with anyone you can afford and let them know you need to find out what specifically might be the issue (PTSD, trauma, ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc.) and later when you’re able to afford a better therapist, use your insurance to find one that specializes in treating your issues. It is tough finding the right therapist for you but you’ll get there. There’s are therapists who charge on a sliding scale of your income. Keep trying, ask questions, tell them what your financial situation and ask for resources!
would u ever consider doing a video to do with lgbt and whatever topic you’d find interesting that would go with that community? i’d love to see what you’d have to say ur amazing ❤️❤️
Most of the questions about hookup culture can be solved by understanding and accepting biology. I truly feel sad for people that go through life believing fully in blank slate/social constructionism. I'm not on the side of genetic determinism. The answers are somewhere in the middle. Your biology is your hard drive and social construction is the software to put it into simple terms.
I think hookup culture has a lot of positives if you're self aware of why you are participating in it. A successful relationship takes selflessness, care and the willingness to make compromises. If you're someone who enjoys physical intimacy but you're aware that you don't have the qualities to start a relationship, casual hookups can be beneficial. When you lie to yourself and treat someone you're casually seeing like a relationship without respect or responsibilities, all you're doing is hurt yourself and others. Casual sex also requires respect for the other person.
In my experience is usually pretty painful for them and even though they say they want it I can see on their face that it hurts. Alot. And that kinda messed me up a little bit. I feel bad when like something tears or its clearly not comfortable for her at all...
Decease in intimacy, you don't need a study to see it that's just common sense, you'd have and build a special connection to the individual you commit to. Many sexual partners equals many sexual experiences, whether people want to admit it or not the experience sticks to the individual, sex is no longer an intimate act with someone who has done it all with all. The more partners you have the less special sex becomes, it's like listening to a good song over and over, you can't get enough of it at first but then it starts to seem repetitive.
If traditional dating and courtship with the intention of marriage was brought back and more widely accepted then most people would feel like their time isn’t wasted as much. Because dating isn’t tied to marriage, family, community as much as it was before in the west then it’s no wonder why people are only happy superficially.
Hey, I posted this under one of your community polls on video ideas. Idk where to post this honestly. Decided to copy-paste it under a video that seems to be roughly around that topic. I hope this is ok! I did some consentual things with a friend of mine and I regret it a lot. I'm also pissed at him for being the person that happened with, being the person I have such memories with, as well as him having used my vulnerability. We didn't have intercourse but we did a lot of sexual things, mostly him to me, I just let it happen. For context: I have never even kissed anyone because I've always known I want to save that for marriage. It has always been my wish, alwqys wanted to do all these things with only one person. Infact I would get all giggly and get butterflies just thinking about it. That friend knew this about me and used to feel the same way for himself but for his own reasons gave up on it. Both of us were in really shitty states and vulnerable to doing things together even though we don't want to be in a relationship. And I told him that because it will most likely happen but I don't want it to happen that we need to set boundaries. He deliberately pulled me out of my boundaries to get physical because he knew I would consent (because I so genuinely told him why things will be different from now on and why I'm setting the boundaries) and then justified it by saying he thought after the fact it would be fine for me as well.). It happened in four instances each getting progressively more sexual and the fourth instance is where I felt betrayed and used bcs I set strict boundaries after the third. And then it happened again. It has been a long time since then because I've been very, very strict with him about it. We just don't hang out alone except in public and even that I limit. It has been over a year since the last time. Now, I've no idea under what category of psychological things this falls under. I feel something like traumatized, maybe like a mini trauma. I feel so incredibly sad about it. Writing all of this through tears. I don't care as much about the trust he betrayed and having been used as much as I care about what this betrayel of trust had as consequences for me - having done thise things I never wanted to and so deeply desired to save for marriage. I don't know how to search for strategies to deal with this because I feel in today's society noone feels this way and I don't know how to search for it. It was in the moment consentual yet something I didn't at all want to do and it is a HUGE deal for me. If you can make a video about whatever category of things this falls under I would be really happy. And thank you to anyone who reads such a long comment and empathizes. Please, if you read all this and you empathize or sympathize, please let me know. Thank you.
if it was against your inner will, you should not be responsible (or treat yourself as if you are) for what happened to you. You should find the strength to forgive yourself! Someone that LOVES you and respects you still hasnt been with you, and that person will treat you differently!
There be dragons. Why would you expose your most vulnerable and personal experiences to someone who offers you no guarantees or trust in return? These types of relationships are how you destroy your soul, fun though they might seem at the time. It's good that you bring up substance abuse as being a factor. It's hard to say whether the substance is causal or whether it's being used as an excuse to behave in a way that the individual can justify to themselves.
Now you might have already covered the topic thia video just popped up on my feed but im genuinely curious as to what your thoughts on the MGTOW movement?
With respect.....this sounds like the same ole shite explained in different terms. I'm not sure human nature can be expected to change much within generations, more likely across ages. This of course in no way frees each of us from our responsibility to work for positive social change at any present moment.
Another word for Captain Cook Culture = Capping. ( A hood or “ ghetto “ slang most 20th century adults and kids use . mostly to say somebody is lying or not being real .)
Not gonna lie it kinda sucks hearing that if you don't have much sex as a guy you're a lame/bum. I'm gonna need therapies and lots of going outside to recover from the messy upbringing, if not I'll be a 'lame' forever.
You went to college in Georgia? Might it have been at UGA because UGA is probably the number one model for hookup culture if you can call it that? Oh, I remember those nights beyond the Arches. LOL... Thanks again for an informative and in this case confirmational video.
One toxic thing about Captain Cook culture is it makes "catching feelings" (i.e. developing fondness, affection, love, attachment) from a physical relationship become almost a bad thing, a weakness. In reality, I think it's completely healthy (and common) to view physical intimacy as something closely related to emotional/romantic intimacy. There's nothing wrong with falling in love, but it seems like in Captain Cook culture, you have to cut off these feelings to stay sane. Of course there are people who can have sex with no feelings, just purely physical. But for a lot of people (especially women) this isn't in our nature, and it's okay to be honest with ourselves about it.
I agree, I personally started feeling like feelings are currently forbidden in this world.
Well being physical with another human being is literally intimacy, so it happens to everyone unless they are socio
Is there a reason why "then don't do it" would not suffice as a suggestion?
@astrid liliencron You don't have to "wait til marriage" for one, and if one doesn't want to commit to a relationship but wants physical intimacy yet feels dissatisfied or even depressed when there is no emotional connection or commitment, then it just becomes a never-ending cycle of contradictions.
Those aren't good enough reasons as to why "then don't do it" isn't a good enough suggestion, because the people who might receive this advice in the first place aren't the type of people who are able to detach their feelings which is why they are having a problem with hookup culture to begin with.
@☽ 𝗞𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗶𝗶 𝗔𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗮n ☾ There was a study about how the hookup culture messes with a person's ability to "pair bond".
Usually after 3 sexual partners it becomes hard for people to form lasting bonds with a partner which is why there is a rise in divorce rate.
I think there is a growing group of men and women who do not date at all and remain single.
Yeah I kinda like being single and having the freedom but still being able to choose when and who I want to have sex with, i also don't want kids so that might be part of it.
@@if5248 that exact reason is why i started doing casual relationships. Younger men aka men my age simply werent grown enough for a healthy relationship
@@if5248 If there was a sure way to tell if a man is serious about having a long term relationship I would tell you. But I cant think of anything.
Some men have Peter Pan syndrome and live life with the least amount of responsibility.
Other men want a family or at least a life time relationship. But think the situation is not right. He wants to establish his career first. Want improvement of his financial situation first. Others struggle with health issues and feel that would drag their relationship down. Or they have mental health issues though childhood trauma or unlucky genetics.
Some feel he needs more life experience before he really knows what he wants in a relationship.
This is all information from me and my male friends.
The worst men are those who string you along and lie about themselves.
I think women also have many reasons for having a relationship or putting it of.
I feel fine without a relationship. As I have enough to deal with with bad and good. And freedom is important to me. This does not mean freedom to sleep around. I just put my time and energy in different aspects of my life. I focus on family friends and animals.
@@if5248 that's participating in Internalized Misogyny. Basically settling for less out of dissatisfaction, and fear of being alone and rejected.
I’d like a video on this too
Theres no pros, even as a man, whether you want to admit it or not.
You right
pretty much
Agree, it is culture just ruins dating for both genders. It not one gender only fault, it is just simply bad in long term.
Agreed 💯 ++ Also, what if u don't just wanna "hook-up" with her.
There are definitely pros... Hit some battling practice before you go to the show. Everyone is just trying to figure it out at that point just don't be an asshole about your intentions
I have always been a relationship guy. Being an introvert and empath, meaningless sex just didn't seem like it was for me.
However after a 10 year relationship ended and I jumped back into dating back in 2018, the landscape was much different.
Nobody seemed serious and "hookup culture" was the norm. I finally gave it a shot and got on dating apps.
Had a one night stand with someone I met off Bumble.
I had really nothing in common with her, she just wanted to hook up with me because I reminded her of the KPOP idols she was so in love with.
She was attractive, and the sex felt good physically, but the lack of real connection made it feel like a completely hollow and empty experience.
Not to mention the effort and time spent just for the hookup seemed like a waste of time.
It made me realize I wasn't wired to enjoy meaningless sex, and decided it wasn't something I'd ever want to do again.
Same as you, except I didn't even bother participating. I've seen how damaged people become doing this. Nobody comes out a better person. Western society is doomed. Glad I'm still clean from all this.
@@thelegacyofgaming2928 same. never even tried it but I can’t lie the temptation has been high lately
Why is the sex meaningless to you? It's analogous to having a good conversation with someone on the bus. Just because neither of you will ever talk again doesn't have to diminish the enjoyment you both experienced. Connecting with people should always be meaningful.
@@DAMfoxygrampa I think the problem is exactly the lack of connection with the other person.
Can I propose that sex is an act that builds a connection? It seems to me that it's up to interpretation. My personal interpretation is that it's a great way of connecting with another person and you can learn a lot about someone that way, especially in the conversations that happen afterwards.
From my experience there are 0 positives for women lol. My friends always ask me how I can go so long with not having “fun with a guy physically” and that I’m being a no fun prude.
Lol well 99% of the time, you literally leave the situation dissatisfied and wondering why you didn’t just order something off Adam & eve, so yeah I’m good love. 🤣😂🤡
Lmao yes
Could not have said it better myself!
Honestly, once you've already gone through that fun phase, you don't really desire it anymore. You should have told your friends that
You just gota meet a guy that loves eating 🐱
thank you for saying that
I took part in hookup culture because everybody else seemed to enjoy it and I felt like it was empowering at first, only to realise I was delusional. My partners were emotionally distant and not willing to satisfy me but I made excuses for them, I thought I wasn’t supposed to care because they weren’t in a committed relationship with me. Now I feel horrible for allowing people to disrespect me so much.
Hey chin up, we all hopefully become wiser, you're gonna do great, good luck.
Now u r damaged goods. No one wants you now n you belong to the streets!!! 😅😂😅🤣😂😂
@@modernman1240 not a thing
A DOG I doubt she'd want a low quality partner like you who cares about her sexual history anyway. She has hopefully higher standards than that.
Now you are fucked up.🤣
It really sucks because I’m a very traditional man and I hate hook up culture because I’m always ready to devote everything for the right girl but it seems almost every girl I’ve talked to has been severely hurt by this culture and have felt used, so in retrospect they don’t believe that I’m actually a committed man ready to give them what they need. It’s a shame that this is what the norm is now. Thankfully through many efforts I found a girl that realized I wasn’t going anywhere.
Great you found someone.
Just make sure to express that if she cheats or uses you there is consequences. I'd recommended Alexander Graces RUclips Chanel he has good balanced videos of this topic.
@Andrei Georgescu You are truly depressing
@@extended_e WHERE did that come from😭😭😭😭
I'm glad it worked out for you man, congratulations. It doesn't work out for everyone...
I am thankful that this comment section has an understanding that hookup culture is not healthy and ruins love and real relationships. Thankful that the majority (i hope) still have hope and faith in loving healthy relationships and not carelessly giving everyone access to intimate parts of ourselves.
Cons: loooong list
Pros: it's decent cardio
Probably less cardio than doing 3000 steps on a stairmaster
It really sucks when you get physically intimate with someone with the hopes we’d become a couple and then it goes nowhere. You get ghosted. Now I’m left to pick up the pieces.
My new philosophy in life: no sex before I REALLY, I mean: REALLY get to know someone no matter how attracted I am to them. Attraction means NOTHING when it comes to character and personality.
If you understand spirituality you’ll understand there’s no such thing as no strings attached .
This is especially true for Christians
@@nathanu.6931 yes it’s true regardless even if someone is an atheist . Energy is energy , and when you have sex your basically entering another’s energy field
I’d say it’s more of sharing your spirit with that person which is also God’s spirit for Christians. But I generally agree with you
@@nathanu.6931 oh yes totally I agree 0011 . The kingdom of heaven is within . When we intertwine our energies = spirits with unhealthy people we end up taking on their traumas ect aswell
But we're never actually physically touching anyone; we almost get there but there is a minute space in between
So the feelings we feel are borne out of an illusion we feed ourselves
Giving your body with no connection is unhealthy to me.Soul ties are real and pregnancy can happen.
Lol, try STD's 😂
Highly appreciate this Ana!! :D As a 24 year old female, I realised that not only did I hurt myself but I also hurt the men I hooked up with. I felt horrible having to reject them as I totally only wanted the physical part from them - yet they wanted more with me. Only to also happen to me when I realised that I wanted more with a guy. I kept trying to fill the empty voids in me, repeating the same lines over and over, exhausting myself with trying to impress to other.... Only to still be very empty and not growing at all. I had a sex and porn addiction too which I'm so grateful for my ex-bf in helping me realise that, real love is so much more than just the physical attraction. I thank him for loving me in the most genuine and supportive way. Healthy relationships and a true loving connection absolutely wins over something so fleeting as physical hookups - the emotional attachment I have with the person I love and who also feels that way with me, made sex (and after sex) a million times amazing. I am now actively choosing to stay away from casual hookups as I've experienced what I needed to and I can say that.. I've fulfilled my curiosity. I am either alone or in a committed (healthy) relationship - that's a non-negotiable for myself.
Stay alone sis, don't ruin the man's life and soul. God bless 🙏
I dated a girl who had a very strong fcukgirl phase and she was so deep that when she wanted to be serious we me she literally didnt know how to be faithful or to set physical/texting boundaries with strangers anymore
It was the most fcuked up relationship i have ever been into
Even if she wasnt sexually unfaithfull (i hope at least) her values were damaged beyond repair
I went thru that phase and it messed up my ability to pair pond.
@@RUclipsr-dz5kc lmao
Corruption breeds corruption
Just a bad experience
It's funny but on hindsight, I had realized that being antisocial, socially clueless and too distracted by mental health issues as a kid/teenager/young adult was one of the best things that happened to me. I eventually resolved my mental health issues, built a very strong sense of identity and gained some social skills, but am still free of issues such as drinking/smoking/sex/body image issues/social media that usually result from peer pressure (I was a bit shocked when I discovered that my high school had a reputation of students coming out as no longer virgins - I hadn't noticed at all, that's how clueless I was).
I'll probably stay single for the rest of my life, but I'm fine with that too, because from my experience, I don't enjoy dating at all. My old-age goal is to become a crazy cat lady with a few great friends for occasional conversations, maybe find a few younger people to mentor and a few charities to contribute my time to.
Hey! Don't! You're the diamond. The world would be miserable a little if a decent man doesn't ot find you
We seem to be on the same page! I'm aiming for the exact same thing..👍☺️
Trust me your a diamond waiting to be found. Sometimes life throws things at us that we find out later in the future that it was actually for our benefit. I’m glad you overcame your challenges and we’re able to stay away from those things that would had otherwise possibly ruined a very happy future free of regrets. Cheers👌🏽
Me too! I’m glad my introversion and high functioning autism kept me away from that lifestyle too lol
Same, I just get a puppy not a cat… ✨
I really appreciate that you keep your videos language appropriate. I want my girls, who are 10 and 9 at the moment, to be able to listen to some of them. Thank you for that!!!
Hi Ana, do you think you will make a video about age gaps in relationships eventually, especially from the perspective of a younger woman? I feel like you'd have a lot to tell us, I trust your perspectives and expertise.
Hey what’s the R word
@@Baileyshimmer1242 she didnt want to say it bc youtube might make less ppl see the video but it rhymes with grape
She did it
Women can never do anything without criticism. We’re damned if we do and we’re damned if we don’t. This is why I don’t care anymore. I don’t even bother with men. I prefer to be alone. Most men have emotional issues, insecurities and baggage that they don’t bother to deal with then project it into the women around them. I no longer have the energy for it.
me too same
Same!
Lol that's almost every human being... it's not gender specific
Just buy a cat or a dog
@@Gong14921 might do 100%
I really hope to see studies like this on older people. College students aren’t really fully formed imo just based on age. I’m curious what this looks like for 30+ people
Yeah, from friends who are 50+ and online dating have some stories. It’s crazy out there despite older ages.
That's a good point, my dissertation is focused on the college population cause that's where hookup culture has traditionally been most rampant, but it would be super interesting to look at other age groups, especially as the dating scene shifts moving forward
@@robertsmith6188 wow. Just. Wow.
@@robertsmith6188 can you provide a source for the claim "psychologically a woman cannot bond with a man if she has lived the life of a loose tramp"? Is that just an issue for women or also for men? Meaning men that have lived the live of a TRAMP are unable to remain married to one woman in a loving relationship for the rest of his life. I am curious how gender plays into this, that would be an interesting read, I'm looking forward to reading the study that discussed these topics.
Unfortunately, many 30-40 year olds are acting like 20 year olds with this hookup garbage. Society is going down the drain due to a lack of Christian moral values.
This is really fantastic content you're creating. I was struck by your points concerning hegemonic masculinity. Personally I am an introvert (and a man so there's no confusion). I have never been inclined to 'joining in', team membership, group participation, etc. I do not have controlling impulses toward anyone, and find such behavior highly distasteful. I say all of that, because I have never been interested in casual, non-committed, interactions. So, your analysis seems spot on.
You have executed this beautifully, Ana. Your channel continues to shine but we can see how much you’ve grown as a professional, too ☺️
As a man I am thoroughly enjoying these videos and learning a lot.
I am 40 years old. I remember this type of culture and masculinity being around when I was in college. I genuinely that that had started to soften/grow smaller over time. But here I am, 20 years later, and I am hearing that nothing has changed. Very sad to hear it:(
I'm so glad you are able to share this!!
Straight facts! Thank you so much, I have been saying things along these lines for ages and people don't listen. I hate when they feame the hook up culture to women physical empowering while I can't see for the lofe of me how is it beneficial to me. I only see it as a manipulative way to make woman engage in this activity on her "own will".
And the argument about woman being "emotional" and can only enjoy intercourse in a committed relationship. When in reality most man doesn't give a freaking fly about woman pleasure except for a long term partner. Which get me back to my first point. How could woman even benefit from such a culture where you are only meant to please a misogynistic stranger who only cares about looking manly enough around his peers.
Us woman we need to wake up and step up our games. I hate to see fellow girls falling for this trap. And we don't even talk about the R-word and it correlation with drugs and hook up culture. Very devastating.
In your opinion, do you feel that hookup culture should be something that's glorified, encouraged, shamed, discouraged, etc?
It seems like traditionally college students including myself were told to have as much fun as possible and to enjoy the college life which tended to insinuate participating freely in hookup culture. In my opinion it seems to me that there are more drawbacks to this culture than benefits to both men and women, but I was curious to hear your thoughts if you were comfortable with sharing.
With such a nuanced topic, I think it requires a nuanced answer:
-Everyone should identify what it is that they actually desire (whether it be commitment or lack of if)
-Everyone should have the freedom to participate in hookup culture and not be shamed for it if that's what they truly desire
-Everyone should feel empowered to not participate or request commitment if that's what they truly desire
-If they do participate in hookup culture, they need to also be mindful of the emotional needs of others, and to practice transparency and respect
-Everyone should be informed about the potential negative consequences of participating, since these consequences are considerable
-Hookup culture needs to stop being glorified as empowering, because it's just clearly another avenue in which the patriarchy exerts itself
@@AnaPsychology Interesting. I agree with your views. However I find it ironic that the post-modern feminist movement typically describes hookup culture as empowering when you're saying the opposite (I'm not assuming you are or aren't a feminist or anything).
But I guess why do you think that post-modern feminism regards hookup culture as empowering when it seems to play right into the patriarchy? I'm thinking maybe because at the surface it gives women more freedom of choice compared to tradition... I guess it also depends on how you define the word "empowering".
People should be free to make their own choices but not free from the consequences.
@@oeckstei This is the only correct comment here.
What even is the patriarchy?
Great video Ana! I am from Serbia, and I will be starting a psychology/psychotherapy channel in the future, you got my full support!
Best of luck :) and thank you!
I really like these applied, or theoretical concepts that we deal with
As an Eastern European, I found this really interesting! Our norms for hookup culture and relationships are much different than they are here in the U.S.
What are they?! Europe is awesome but don't know much about the dating culture over there
@@aes_00 No worries! At least where I’m from, it’s much more traditional and frequent hookups are pretty frowned upon
@@admirbarucija2018 Sounds like a good place, would love to find an E. European wife with good Christian moral values. God willing!
@@bryant475 I think you're on the wrong video.
@@gardenwonder7977 actually, misogynists are the people who need to see these videos the MOST. we don’t want them flocking to hate groups and becoming more hateful in their thinking.
A brutally honest video that presents information the trendy try to subvert. It is refreshing to listen to the truth for a change. Thank you.
I've never been interested in hooking up. Now I'm 46 and still single. :(
reject degeneracy. embrace loving long lasting relationships.
I think the reason why “cook” culture was viewed as empowering for women was because previously women were expected to get married right out of high school and often stayed in unsatisfying marriages. Even now when I’ve met people who get married young at say 18, people tend to think that they’ve missed out on so much life but settling down so soon. The ironic part is that many women don’t feel empowered by the modern alternative that’s been pushed.
I think that what became the hookup culture is something that was viewed as a step up by second wave feminists and the results of which weren’t born out until todays third wave feminists came about. Most likely some new way to date will have to develop that isn’t chivalry and early marriage but also isn’t the current hookup culture. Some kind of middle ground.
As far as men go, I think there will always be some men who take advantage of whatever the dating scene and it will view it as a game to be won. This will happen whether men make the rules or women, since men were viewed as the beneficiaries of both dating cultures.
What I've never understood is how this is supposed to help someone find themselves? I grew up conservative so the idea that getting laid with multiple partners somehow helps you figure yourself out
I was always under the impression that I'm the only one who just doesn't fit this hookup mentailty. Personally I never much engaged with it because even when I did it with a friend, who is still one of my best friends today, I don't deal well with this feeling of being "disposable"? I just assumed maybe that is me having abandonment issues I have to look at, but I definitely started overthinking that hookup for at least a day and figured it's really not for me and I'm okay with that, I don't have to prove anything about not being emotionally affected by the decisions I make.
The other thing is though that I end up in relationships because I'm transparent about how I feel, I tell a guy that I will develop feelings, that's just how I'm wired, and that I've gotten over a broken heart before, they can't do anything to break me, so they don't have to feel responsible for how I feel, and that kinda lifts the tension about the situation. I know sometimes life happens, no one owes me a relationship because I caught feelings, sometimes the time isn't right, maybe they just don't see in me what I see in them and that happens and that's okay, I can respect a guy like that if he can respect me when I pull away because I notice it's having a negative effect on me.
It's not a recipe to get into a relationship, just my experience. I never went into these things thinking I'll get into a relationship, but this type of transparency that heartbreak is the cost for participating in hookups and friends with benefits situations has somehow opened up each guy I dated to be vulnerable and transparent about their feelings aswell.
The reason why most men are looking for a hookup is because they seek validation too, and they get that by feeling loved and appreciated. Some guys are stuck in this idea that they are unlovable and they will project that insecurity onto you and even when they keep returning, no one pays me to deal with their issues, I have my own peace to take care of.
TLDR: listen to your feelings and have develop boundries that work for you
Well said!
not true at all but because the media promotes the hookup culture so relentlessly in so many ways it can easily feel like yer the only one not buying into it. especially when not buying into it is also so commonly portrayed as a form of weakness.
@@NoirL.A. I'm not sure what you're getting at. Could you be more precise? I just said I didn't mich engage with it, the reason for that is that I just always end up in relationships so I don't know if I just don't fit a certain statistic or something. But maybe this is a misunderstanding, so I'd like to ask you to elaborate, all in a well meant fashion, I'm not looking for an arguement (just to set s tone, the internet can make us seem more cold and snarky than we often intend)
@@corneliahanimann2173 I was always under the impression that I'm the only one who just doesn't fit this hookup mentailty
not true at all but because the media promotes the hookup culture so relentlessly in so many ways it can easily feel like yer the only one not buying into it especially when not buying into it is also so commonly portrayed as a form of weakness.
@Andrei Georgescu No I'm self aware. I don't sleep with strangers because I realise that I have a bad reaction to it. I see that this works for others because they don't spiral from a one night stand, but it's just not for me. You're kinda flipping it around by acting like I have abandonment issues because I don't sleep with complete strangers while I'm explaining that I'm making choices for my individual mental profile and specific issues, this is why I say i don't fit in with this hookup culture. I- unlike other people, start overthinking these things to an unhealty degree. Unless I'm perfectly capable of communicating my needs to a sexual partner and feel like I can trust others will respect that I have to make decisions for myself, I won't sleep with that person. This implies that I also already have a development of trust and respect with that person, so the people I sleep with are never strangers.
Why are you asking me if I'm insane. I share my vulnerability with you and open up about my own thought patterns and the first thing you do as a result is insult me. Have I done something to hurt you that you felt comfortable to use my words against me in this way? If so I would like to know in what way I have been offensive so I know how ignorant I was or maybe how I said something insensitive. I just find this reaction a bit inappropriate because I don't even know you, my first encounter with you is your insult directed at me.
I catch feelings way too easy
Sounds like you're a human being. Congrats.
Feelings are not a disease smh 🤦♀️
I start imagining our life together whenever a girl simply compliments me in passing. No way I could casually have sex and move on without "catching feelings". It just feels so unnatural to me.
🥺
May Lord bless you, if that's really true)
I am not upping my body count for shitty sex, a wasted orgasm and for a guy who keeps his fucking socks on during sex. EVER AGAIN. Celibacy is the greatest thing I’ve ever done for myself. God is pleased w me.
Not sure people want to wastefully up their body count for somebody who's picky about socks during sex either
sometimes socks provide better traction
But I get cold feet really easily, why can't I keep my socks on?
It was a metaphor for those who obviously misunderstood.
@@callmekells802 a metaphor about what?
This video is so informative and is helping me at the right time in my life right now. Can you make a how-to video on transitioning from a casual first few dates to something more serious? In a way that you don’t want to scare them off but also don’t want to be in their endless rotation.
I have a more casual video called "watch this if you want him to commit" (it's clickbait, don't worry!) that goes into your questions more in-depth. Hope it helps :)
Just be upfront with him you want commitment. If he doesn't reciprocate or is "scared off" he aint the one sis. Move on
There's sort of nothing you can do but vet the person properly. You must be upfront with what you're looking for. "I'm looking to really get to know someone, I'm not interested in this whole hook up culture thing". He will delete himself from your life if he's looking for quick sex after that. You don't have to say the word "relationship". If a man wants you, you KNOW about it. There are no games, there's no beating around the bush, no tentative stuff. The vast majority of men are impulsive when they find a woman they really want to be with. You don't have to guess. Overall advice ...don't push anything. Let him take the lead and most importantly, DO NOT put all of your eggs in one basket. Date, date, date. Do not just keep to one guy and hedge your bets. That leads to a one-sided power dynamic and you get hooked on waiting on this one guy ...no ...dating is a numbers game. Men will say literally anything to get into your underwear. I would say, unless you are in a truly official relationship and he has invested time, attention, resources and money then he may not be feeling it. If he is rushing you in any way then red flag. Lastly, keep a strong set of boundaries and a strong criteria for what you're looking for. Not the perfect guy, but things you need. Like, you want him to like dogs, you want him to drive, you want him to live alone etc. Keeping a basic criteria but allowing for room for individuality is key. And enjoy the process! Laugh at the bad dates, use them as practice, and never feel bad about stating clearly what you want, no matter how charming he is and tries to get around it and into bed.
If you’re chasing a guy who has an endless rotation you’re chasing the wrong guy tbh
@@brendag4264 yup confrontation is hard but totally worth it
Hook up culture literally is the best for men and horrible for woman
yet none of you will stop participating
it's not great for anybody in the long run.
Thank you for making this well researched and scientific video. I regrettably was one of those guys that promoted this culture, and I surely caused said problems. I have since changed my view, but I never knew that the culture I once belonged to was so harmful. I feel awful and guilty.
When I hear younger people speak, they seem to be going in the right direction: more LGBT friendly and less toxic masculinity. I would love to know if this notion of mine is baked up in newer research
Thanks queen for the disclaimer that this sucks for women and the benefits are almost 0 for us
Why do you participate then?
@@charlieweaver6322 She never said that she participates in it.. Why would you assume she does?
Then don't do it. It's simple.
@@petalchild intuition
@@S3aCa1mRa1n In other words, it's an assumption with no evidence to back it up. Thanks!
This study confirms one thing for sure, *that it really sucks being a woman* If a single woman has physical needs, first thing she has to do is invest her time (days!) and mental energy in a serious relationship, just to have good quality of 'fun'. Frustrating, really! Also, Honeymoon period does not last forever, therefore we have the *Orgasm Gap in serious relationship/marriage* Joys of being a straight woman.. Yay!!
I honestly think the best option for everybody is to get sex toys! You don’t need a man to orgasm and vice versa lol
@@tillycomedy2194 Umm.. True. Not a fan of plastic or silicon going anywhere in me for some reason. But, it is a right solution
as a man you have most of the time no sex at all, that sucks even more.
@@egallegal3513 yea not being above average as a man is one of the worst things i can imagine nowadays
Couldn't have said better!!!
As a male presenting person, I've always been a relationship person and I never understood hookup culture. Fun time with someone that I connected with emotionally was always so much more fun
We as humans have a mind body and soul. Shutting down your feelings to hook up with someone is not healthy. You might feel good because you have rush of hormones and temporary affection but then you have nothing. The guys see woman as a vagina and not consider her for a relationship. Then all the people that do this cheapen the value of both a man and a woman because then what's left? When you've given your body heart and attention to all of these other people. It's a form of addiction and a wasting effect does happen as a result. Don't be cheap and be real. God made sex to be a sacred act. Obviously it may not feel that way with everyone because you're emotionally disconnected. Like a robot not a human.
I've heard about some research about Gen Z's sexual behavior that suggests it's actually men who ask first for turning a casual into a serious long-term relationship and that it is women who initiate discussions about switching into an open relationship. Did you come across any of that or is this just bs?
Didn't come across any of that in either the preexisting literature or my participants' experiences😅
50% genz is still minor so it is kind of premature to say anything
Not online, but in real life with real people, this is actually quite accurate in general nowadays. Though maybe 20-30 years ago it was different.
College students may not be of the right age yet ....maybe they age into some of that
Can you do a video specifically on Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby relationships? think that is the next evolution in your series Ana.
Thank you for this. This explains so much hurt I've experienced.
It'd be interesting to see what you have to say or what you learned about hookup culture in the gay communities. I wonder how different the experiences are 🤔
I’m diving into how specific aspects of people’s identities (sexual orientation, race, religion, SES) influence their experience with hookup culture in a later video :)
@@AnaPsychology ohh interesting
Male community very common...if you had been around pre AIDS it was simply imcredible
Amazing and well informed video as always!
Thank you so much :)
Such a beautiful natural look! 🥰 Again, bravo 👏🏽 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
I went through this as a man and I realized how much I started hating myself I felt like I was being an asshole
Why not settle down with one girl, get married, and start a family instead?
@@aprilhart4810 because that “one girl “ is the source of 1 million problems
@@Macheako So you're gonna have 10 girls and get 10 million problems? 😏
@@aprilhart4810 no commitments, no problems. If one starts problems, dump and leave one slot open for a new one.
Your choice of words was very cute, great topic, very informative
Obligated to participate? Nobody obligates you to do anything. You do it because you want to have fun and be more popular with the wrong people.
Different people have different responses to peer pressure. The goal is for everyone to be able to firm with their boundaries, but a lot of young people aren’t there yet.
@@tillycomedy2194 Peer pressure? These videos are about college age students. If you are in college and allow someone to pressure you into joining hookup culture, that's just pathetic and an excuse. Nobody held a gun to your head. Accountability folks
Lol I seriously had to think about what the "r" word was. Took me a minute thinking "maybe relationship??"
Wow! I've been on ~50 dates over the past 4 years on all kinds of dating apps. I can agree with everything you said. At this point I don't care ,don't have the energy for it
jesus christ
Arrange marriage dating is much super way to date but liberals hate it
12.5 dates a year, roughly 1 a month... People really go through this many people and still haven't found someone they like?
I’ve been on a lot of dates too, and I’m officially over it lol. Especially with meeting guys from dating apps, most of them aren’t worth my time and we both basically end up playing each other anyways with our other matches 🤷♀️
@@shilpisrivastava8666 ew
Hasn't this been a thing for... decades? It's not like it's todays generation of frat/sororities creating this culture.
And honestly, in my experience that culture is starting to wane.
The amount of delusion in this video is breathtaking.
God dang it, what is the R-word?! I'm not a native speaker so this just turned into the greatest mystery of all time for me!
“Grape” 🍇 but without the “r”
@@nathanu.6931 Wrong letter.
I saved myself for marriage only to find that my mysoginistic husband expected me to be a porn star and a virgin at the same time 🤦♀️ it doesnt work that way! He ended up cheating on me and abusing me. Despite him cheating on me and me being faithfull, he accused me of cheating constantly. He told my sister he only cheated on me because i wasnt good enough in bed 🤦♀️ he used the girls he cheated with and i even felt sorry for them. They didnt even know he was married and he spread an STD to all of us. That is how i found out 💔... being told i had an STD even tho i was married and faithful. Even with evidence he never admitted to my face he cheated and blamed the std on me til the very end.
You married a bad boy. 😂
Really enjoyed this video, thanks for sharing! ❤️
Casual relationships lack emotional connection. I like how Dr. Sue Johnson talks about this subject. Are you familiar with her research?
Haven't watched the video but let me tell ya sth the benefits for women are minus 10% and for men plus 110%
you should make a video on how to find a good mental health professional when you don't have mental health insurance or have medicaid and are limited in funds, and have debilitating mental health issues. everyone's like, "well duh! you're not going to find the right one on the first try!" but also, "you should really put the effort in and go to a therapist several times before making a decision" like I got money to be doing that.
If it’s your first time finding a therapist, try with anyone you can afford and let them know you need to find out what specifically might be the issue (PTSD, trauma, ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc.) and later when you’re able to afford a better therapist, use your insurance to find one that specializes in treating your issues. It is tough finding the right therapist for you but you’ll get there. There’s are therapists who charge on a sliding scale of your income. Keep trying, ask questions, tell them what your financial situation and ask for resources!
Timestamps show the story: [###############--CONS--#####################] vs [#-pros-#]
would u ever consider doing a video to do with lgbt and whatever topic you’d find interesting that would go with that community? i’d love to see what you’d have to say ur amazing ❤️❤️
I’d love to see you make this for men too
This makes so much sense, as did the internalized misogyny video of yours! I experienced much of what you described. Thanks for the insight!
Have you considered uploading the audio files of your videos as a podcast? I see your videos being in podcast form 🥰🥰
Most of the questions about hookup culture can be solved by understanding and accepting biology. I truly feel sad for people that go through life believing fully in blank slate/social constructionism. I'm not on the side of genetic determinism.
The answers are somewhere in the middle. Your biology is your hard drive and social construction is the software to put it into simple terms.
I think hookup culture has a lot of positives if you're self aware of why you are participating in it. A successful relationship takes selflessness, care and the willingness to make compromises. If you're someone who enjoys physical intimacy but you're aware that you don't have the qualities to start a relationship, casual hookups can be beneficial. When you lie to yourself and treat someone you're casually seeing like a relationship without respect or responsibilities, all you're doing is hurt yourself and others. Casual sex also requires respect for the other person.
if you don't have the qualities to start a relationship, you should build those first before wasting the time of others
Great series!
I guess just looking at the ratio of the pros & cons is easy to say that participating in hookup culture is most cases a bad idea
THANK YOU ANA!!!
In my experience is usually pretty painful for them and even though they say they want it I can see on their face that it hurts. Alot. And that kinda messed me up a little bit. I feel bad when like something tears or its clearly not comfortable for her at all...
I wonder, is this culture, and so the pros and cons, prevalent across all countries? And how does it differ in queer relationships?
How does number of sex partners affects relationship from each side? Any study?
Decease in intimacy, you don't need a study to see it that's just common sense, you'd have and build a special connection to the individual you commit to. Many sexual partners equals many sexual experiences, whether people want to admit it or not the experience sticks to the individual, sex is no longer an intimate act with someone who has done it all with all. The more partners you have the less special sex becomes, it's like listening to a good song over and over, you can't get enough of it at first but then it starts to seem repetitive.
Thank you for this!!!
This is so awesome and knowledge content video. Thankyou so many ch beautiful Ana☺️
The sink in the background gives the illusion of a car sometimes.
Great topic!
If traditional dating and courtship with the intention of marriage was brought back and more widely accepted then most people would feel like their time isn’t wasted as much. Because dating isn’t tied to marriage, family, community as much as it was before in the west then it’s no wonder why people are only happy superficially.
I loved this topic!
There are no pros, that’s why yall be posting videos of yourselves crying on TikTok
I don't see any benefits in it for men, or women.
Hey, I posted this under one of your community polls on video ideas. Idk where to post this honestly. Decided to copy-paste it under a video that seems to be roughly around that topic. I hope this is ok!
I did some consentual things with a friend of mine and I regret it a lot. I'm also pissed at him for being the person that happened with, being the person I have such memories with, as well as him having used my vulnerability. We didn't have intercourse but we did a lot of sexual things, mostly him to me, I just let it happen.
For context: I have never even kissed anyone because I've always known I want to save that for marriage. It has always been my wish, alwqys wanted to do all these things with only one person. Infact I would get all giggly and get butterflies just thinking about it. That friend knew this about me and used to feel the same way for himself but for his own reasons gave up on it.
Both of us were in really shitty states and vulnerable to doing things together even though we don't want to be in a relationship. And I told him that because it will most likely happen but I don't want it to happen that we need to set boundaries. He deliberately pulled me out of my boundaries to get physical because he knew I would consent (because I so genuinely told him why things will be different from now on and why I'm setting the boundaries) and then justified it by saying he thought after the fact it would be fine for me as well.). It happened in four instances each getting progressively more sexual and the fourth instance is where I felt betrayed and used bcs I set strict boundaries after the third. And then it happened again. It has been a long time since then because I've been very, very strict with him about it. We just don't hang out alone except in public and even that I limit. It has been over a year since the last time.
Now, I've no idea under what category of psychological things this falls under. I feel something like traumatized, maybe like a mini trauma. I feel so incredibly sad about it. Writing all of this through tears. I don't care as much about the trust he betrayed and having been used as much as I care about what this betrayel of trust had as consequences for me - having done thise things I never wanted to and so deeply desired to save for marriage. I don't know how to search for strategies to deal with this because I feel in today's society noone feels this way and I don't know how to search for it. It was in the moment consentual yet something I didn't at all want to do and it is a HUGE deal for me.
If you can make a video about whatever category of things this falls under I would be really happy. And thank you to anyone who reads such a long comment and empathizes. Please, if you read all this and you empathize or sympathize, please let me know. Thank you.
if it was against your inner will, you should not be responsible (or treat yourself as if you are) for what happened to you. You should find the strength to forgive yourself! Someone that LOVES you and respects you still hasnt been with you, and that person will treat you differently!
Could you please put some text when referrring to this "captain cook" culture? "cap n cook"? I think many, like me, are not familiar with the term.
Must be her local vernacular. Doesn’t sound Australian in her accent.
Drunken sex is repulsive and disgusting.
YES SOMETIME'S DATING HARD NOT ALWAYS HAPPY BEGINNING AND END
Next : SWOT analysis for guys to invest to a relationship
There be dragons.
Why would you expose your most vulnerable and personal experiences to someone who offers you no guarantees or trust in return? These types of relationships are how you destroy your soul, fun though they might seem at the time.
It's good that you bring up substance abuse as being a factor. It's hard to say whether the substance is causal or whether it's being used as an excuse to behave in a way that the individual can justify to themselves.
Now you might have already covered the topic thia video just popped up on my feed but im genuinely curious as to what your thoughts on the MGTOW movement?
Great video
With respect.....this sounds like the same ole shite explained in different terms. I'm not sure human nature can be expected to change much within generations, more likely across ages. This of course in no way frees each of us from our responsibility to work for positive social change at any present moment.
How are 'double standards' a 'con' against hook-up culture? Double standards are a 'con' against double standards, period.
Another word for Captain Cook Culture = Capping. ( A hood or “ ghetto “ slang most 20th century adults and kids use . mostly to say somebody is lying or not being real .)
Not gonna lie it kinda sucks hearing that if you don't have much sex as a guy you're a lame/bum.
I'm gonna need therapies and lots of going outside to recover from the messy upbringing, if not I'll be a 'lame' forever.
it's sad man are so disconnected form their bodies, you're not your body count, what kind of people you're dealing with?
@@marte1376 I'm not gonna be out here having sex with randoms, need to find purpose/higher ground
Guess I’m a lame then cs I’ve never interacted with a girl physically or socially for 19 years of my life. Oh well🤷🏾♂️
Am I the only one who doesn't know what's captain cook culture and the R word?
Have some courage and debate Rollo Tomassi as far as the empirical literature, datasets and the evolutionary biology, psychology and sociology ,
You went to college in Georgia? Might it have been at UGA because UGA is probably the number one model for hookup culture if you can call it that? Oh, I remember those nights beyond the Arches. LOL... Thanks again for an informative and in this case confirmational video.