@@NatureDaydream I don't think you understand how serious Betterhelp's ethical violations are. They are not a good company to be supporting, and if you care about kindness, you sure as hell should care about this.
As a man I almost feel weird for not liking hookup culture because my friends and people around me all do like it. But it also seems that it is almost like a hobby to them and they have nothing else going for them except hooking up with people. I like my peace and quiete and do have different hobbies like playing the guitar and going to the gym. I can entertain myself very well but the people I see hooking up with people constantly are also the people who can’t be alone for too long or don’t have any hobbies, so they seek this in other people.
@@saraheddie6737 thank you means a lot 🙂. I honestly get told this a lot but still I have been single my whole life because I’m not a player and a lot of women seem to go for the player guys because they have the pretty talks that work on the feelings of women. But I am not like that so I rather wait a little longer then trying to be something that I’m not.
Hookup culture doesn't just hurt women, but it keeps ALL heart-centered people divided. Men who are heart-centered, not controlled by lust, and who shun hook-up culture often have their sexuality questioned. At the same time, I think that MANY women are more attracted to men with the hookup culture mentality as they associate that mentality with masculinity.
This is 100% true, I cannot agree more. And our society view 'bad boys' as smart people and declare people who control their lust as non-cool or boring people. "Men who are heart-centered, not controlled by lust, and who shun hook-up culture often have their sexuality questioned" 💯💯💯
You've said what I always wanted to say, Loveless sex doesn't make sense to me also, I find it ridiculous. This Hook up culture is totally beyond me . 😢
Well it doesn’t make sense to you because you don’t understand hook up that’s what hooking up is.Doing things without commitment.I don’t find it ridiculous and I’ll tell yall why every women isn’t meant nor worth being in a relationship with same thing goes for men most definitely the kind of people who loose interest fast.Its crazy that most people in our generation want to be in long term relationships but don’t have any successful nor good experiences with relationships and no good relationship history.It is also weird how most women today want to withhold sex from men but get angry when man choose not to commit.If women can choose to withhold sex we also have the choice to not commit.This is why relationships are so bad in our generation because our generation do not respect gender roles and don’t understand that both genders do not have the same role nor doesn’t represent the samething.And initially you have most people today engaging in hookup culture when they aren’t meant for hooking up.And you have most people today that try to be in relationships when they are only meant for hooking up.I just find everything about our generation is so backwards and I’m great with assessing and observing everything even from the distance😊.
Maybe one day people will learn the simple fact I learned which is that sex with someone you love and respect is about 100 times BETTER than sex with a stranger or someone you do not respect. I cannot sleep with a man I do not respect, it feels like being raped.
@@jamalgreen3056well they specifically said loveless sex, hot hookups? I think they know the difference but were saying they don’t understand loveless sex.
In a world that validates all other sorts of sexual expression and experience, I finally feel validated for keeping my body to myself and giving it to someone I truly love mind, body, and soul.
Hookup culture is objectively bad for everyone. Its a fact and its ok to say the truth. Its not being judgemental to say that. I've talked to so many men about this, and literally ALL of them have regretted having random and casual sex with women they have no real interest in. Even the ones that like to view sex as a trophy feel this way deep down. Its like glorified masterbation. Also, its important to recognize when we are experiencing lust, so we don't give into it. We are not meant for promiscuity. Promiscuity is similar to taking drugs because they both act as a distraction from something uncomfortable in our lives that we need to address but are actively avoiding. They both make things worse for ourselves.
You are making it way too deep my guy. Sex is fun and enjoyable. If two people have intimite connection with each other even for a one night and they get pleasure out of it, there is literally nothing wrong with that. It’s not even about feeling its a trophy even if there are a few dumbasses that cherish it like it would be an achievement. And stop lying to yourself by saying everyone regrets casual sex, that is just not true and there is no reason for it to be true lmao. Its just sex. If you don’t like hooking up, that is totally fine, you don’t need to make excuses and stories to validate your opinion. It’s only bad when one person is leading someone else on just to get sex at least once, while the other one has expectations for actual relationship. But even then, it is not the hooking up that is the problem, its just people not being able to communicate what they want and being at different points at their life, simple as that. All these ”no hooking up, no fap, plaplapla” videos are nonsense, just live your life and experience what works for you and what doesn’t. There is no rulebook for life, that is a fact, most of these topics are just people making their lives unnecessarily difficult, creating restrictions for themselves because they create problems in their head and then spread that info to cause problems for others. Off from internet, to the real world to experience it.
@@grydon6422 Quite defensive there bro... There is no such thing as a consequenceless one night stand in nature. Pregnancy would result most of the time, so no it is not "just fun" Also STDs
@coffeebreakchat2450 Hook-up culture is not good for them either. It's not good for literally anybody. There is always the short-term gratification and pleasure, but that doesn't make it good.
I don't think so bc having sex with multiple partners is not new. To me it's not related. We can't measure how much people did centuries ago (ex 1800's or before - 1800's) because we have no records / book. We don't know about stds at this time neither.
@@jessysoulmanscofieldthese days though, people have VERY bad hygiene. I met a few guys who confessed to me they slept around/hooked up a lot and eventually caught something.
I could never stand hookup culture, because I’ve always looked beyond the immediate benefits or ‘instant gratification’ of my choices, and could see the negative longer term effects. Sometimes I do indulge my impulses. I might eat something unhealthy, or drink until 4am on a night out. But when I do such things, which already is rare, I do it entirely at my own expense and am fully aware of what I’m doing. Hookups by definition involve another person, and that honestly never sat right with me. I can damage myself all I like, and that’s my business and problem. But when other people are involved, it isn’t. I use drug use as an example to illustrate this to people. I often consider hookups to be even more toxic and nefarious than drug use, because with drugs you are only ruining your own wellbeing, whereas with hookups you also are potentially ruining another person’s wellbeing.
Your comment resonated a lot with me. One thing though I'd like to mention: Drug use also affects other people severly (parents, children, friends, people who care about you). Have a good day! :)
I think You're the only one who's raised this incredibly humongous issue. Casual sex is, virtually by definition, using another Human Being for one's own transient amusement. And doing so may quite likely cause serious pain and visit a whole host of very real practical consequences upon that person. Even if s/he consents ... or even initiated ... You know that indulging will likely prove bad for him/her, and that the consent was born of poor judgement and bound to be a lasting source of regret. So, why do so many go forward? Well, consider that a certain other "culture" came into being right alongside ... part & parcel, if you will ...with "hook-up culture." So, what is this ugly twin of which I speak: "r@pe culture" ... yeah. It's no myth. It's quite real. I think folks need to think about this. I had to learn about this crap because of a sick and disturbing situation that I had to deal with. Respect sent Your way from Boston. 💪👍🎸 🎼TD
To me, hookup culture has completely ruined the way that people perceive relationships. I was talking to this girl a while ago and we hadn't done anything sexual throughout the whole time of us dating for about a month. We had only kissed one time and after that our entire relationship dynamic changed because she only wanted to hookup with me and I didn't want that. She then proceeded to ghost me all because I didn't want to hookup with her. I didn't understand at first because I didn't think people took sex so seriously and that it was something that they felt was 100% important to having a relationship become something more than a friendship. I had never hooked up with anyone before because I think that sex is sacred and should only be shared with someone you either have a super deep intimate relationship with or with someone you are married to.
you have been objectified, he only saw a breeding piece of meat that belongs to him, i am so sorry that you had experience with patriarch... Oh wait...
I'm so so glad you spoke about this. It's crazy because I have complained about this to friends but not many can relate. I remember there was a guy I really liked and it was so obvious that all he wanted was to hook up and have s*x. He claimed to be my "friend" but I am pretty sure friends don't use people for s*x and completely dismiss their feelings. He would call me boring and a p*$$y for not wanting to hook up with him instantly and wanting to take things slow. I did end up "hooking up" with him in the end and I seriously regret it. I thought it would maybe make him like me back but not only did it not work, but it scarred me. I now can't possibly imagine enjoying s*x and I emotionally distance myself from people assuming they just want to hook up. If you are young and you're considering this, please re-think! It can ruin your self image and future experiences.
It sounds like you wanted him because he wasnt overly emotionally needy and invested in you, many women are voluntarily choosing to hookup with certain guys because they find even some good looking caring and romantic guys to be too needy and not the FBoys they actually are attracted to.
@@rjflores438 haha not really the case as I haven’t ever met anyone who is emotionally invested that I’ve also connected with intellectually. I literally have had such little relationship experience because I’m super picky and give up the moment I realise that someone isn’t invested, I drop em now. I do admit I was naive but his lack of investment was definitely not what I wanted lmao
Use this valuable experience as a lesson, and be more cautious but dont close off, there is a lot of good men out there, and always stay true to yourself. Good luck!
I’ve never liked hookup culture but I gave in a lot in my younger years because I wanted to fit in so badly. Not only is it dumb because you can get pregnant, but of all my sexual encounters, only twice was I SOMEWHAT satisfied. I’m so mad I was duped into risking getting pregnant for something that didn’t even feel good. I also feel that hookup culture has become a way to shame women into lowering their standards. But it’s perfectly reasonable for a woman to want a provider man, and to look at his actions and not his words before sleeping with him.
I’m so glad you are talking about this. My brother so desperately wanted a committed relationship and children one day but every relationship he had never worked out. He was cheated on by a girl he loved more than anything and it completely destroyed him. He was still young but he felt like he would never find true love. He then started hooking up casually with women. Alcohol abuse followed and he took his life not long after. He was only 23. I hate hookup culture and I know for a fact that my brother engaging in it only worsened his depression.
I have been dating a girl recently who had very different views on sex comparing to most women. She explained that it doesn't really mean anything to her but she constantly needs it. That is not to say that she would cheat, but that when she's single she's constantly hooking up. Ultimately this was one of the reasons why I've stopped dating her. It was rather weird to me.
I have also met a girl like that before, and she also told me that her reason was because she never masturbates and orgasms only during sex, that s why she was sexually active so often. As a woman who masturbates pretty often if not in a relationship and orgasms pretty easily with masturbation, that was shocking for me to hear 😂 maybe it was the case with your ex too?
@@selintuncer6262 When i said i had been dating her i only meant that i went on 5-6 dates with her but we never ended up being together (sorry english is not my first language). But to answer your question: it was a little different from what you described. She would masturbate often and orgasm easily but she had never in her life reached orgasm during sex (all according to her). And yet, she would opt for sex whenever she could. When we put the dates on hold for some weeks to handle our private/family matters she wanted to have sex with someone else (not with me because she didn't want to "mess things up" between us). She assured me it doesnt mean anything to her but she needs it. Maybe I have some craazy expectations but if she can't settle with masturbation for a couple of weeks for me, then I think there is a problem. So I ended it all and to this day she keeps reminding me if I ever change my mind she would be happy to continue dating. Wrap your head around that :D (sorry for the essay)
If she needs it, the attention and validation with the sex, as much as she says she does when she is single, you better believe she is the type to constantly cheat when in a relationship. Her pair bonding mechanism is already fried from being with too many sexual partners. She can’t stay in a long term relationship anymore. Don’t believe most of the things women say. They communicate in contradictions, hypocrisy and double standards.
This video arrived at perfect time. I just recently started dating this guy that seems to be wanting just casual sex from time to time. I started being okay with it to then realize that this is not me, this is not how I operate, not how my body and feelings work. Respecting yourself first is always the best choice!
@@DeathcoreManiac what kind of comment is that. Speak for yourself, thanks. This channel is about sharing our personal experiences peacefully, not judging others harshly. I am completely fine, didn't ruin myself yet;)
I used to be a bit of a sex and dating addict in the past. Went on almost 300 dates in four years, but the fact that I did never find what i was actually looking for led me down a spiritual journey with a subsequent awakening. My sexual desire is greatly diminished and I didn't have any sexual relations in over a year now. Instead, I'd prefer to first and foremost be with someone that I feel a connection with and have the physical aspect be something that develops from that naturally.
How society convinced women to give men exactly what they want: no strings attached hookups, and sold it as a form of liberation is something I'll probably never understand. In the last 10 years, there's been such a focus on feminism and bringing down old patriarchal structures, and hookup culture did the exact opposite of that in my opinion. It gave men and the patriarchy one the thing it wanted most, while STILL shaming women for doing it and attaching their value to their chastity. Women just lost in every way you look at it.
You're wrong, that's the exact contrary. Only a small fraction of men reaps these 'benefits', for the majority is getting worse, in the US half of the man between 18 and 30 years are still virgin.
No, the shaming is long gone. Women are peer pressured into promiscuity - the very opposite of times past. We end up with damaged women in their 30's feeling they have to "settle" for a non millionaire, non chad. These women are much less likely to be faithful and stay the course of a long happy marriage.
Nearly twenty years ago I had put forth a devil's advocate argument in a college course I was taking that involved, among other things, the women's liberation movement. I was stunned that no classmate had considered the argument. So, we assume that women's liberation means increased promiscuity. We also know the consequences of promiscuity, which include, among other things, STDS, AIDS, unwanted pregnancy, etc. My argument was simply, why are we racing to the bottom? In other words, if we don't like people who are promiscuous, given all of the shaming language we use, then we've collectively decided that it is a bad trait to have, similar to being addicted to illicit substances or being physically abusive to others. Why not, instead of "liberating" women through promiscuity, do we not encourage men and women to be better individuals (lift everyone up instead of racing to the bottom), including by not engaging in promiscuous behavior, which, incidentally, tends to lead to a whole host of horribles, not the least of which is date grape, particularly when women want to drink like men, but are not genetically predisposed to handle as much alcohol. I still ponder this, but I suspect I am in a very small minority.
You are just the best ❤ Bringing up topics which are slow poison to the society which are not spoken much about and taken casually among people is much needed :-) Truth spoken 💯🙌🏻
A big part of guys sleeping around is the game aspect (they are of course called “players”). What Pokémon can you catch this week and how much fun can you have with them? Some people look forward to the weekend for drugs. Some for gambling Some for sports. Some for sex. All have consequences.
@@deezed6478Of course. I just felt it was worth mentioning what goes on in the minds of men who are compelled to commit such evil. They’re sadistic, abusive, and shallow. They never consider the person behind the body. They use people for their own sick pleasure and waste everybody’s time with their torturous sense of humor. I just wanted to mention that to them, on the inside, it’s all a fun little game.
I trully hope this video goes viral. Big viral. 500 million views viral. Women and men, all ages, need to see this. This information is the type of data that can change world of dating for the best. The truth will be the real freedom for women. Thamks Lana. Thanks for the video and thanks for not being part of the problem. 🙂👍👍👍
Being in touch with our deep feelings, having a long-term vision, being able to manage our urges, and having the capacity for hard work and sacrifice, are crucial elements to build a healthy long-term romantic relationship. I really love how you approached this topic 🙂 Nowadays, there's a lot of confusion about love and sex. As a couples therapist, I discuss all these topics on my channel for the Spanish-speaking audience. Big hug, Lana
As a man, for me constantly hooking-up or looking for ways to do so is rather strange and such people fall into the category of those who have little to do with their lives: they have no hobbies, no passion for anything. They may have a job, it's most likely to be boring and brining no satisfaction to their life. what is more interesting is that some of my acquintances may even ask why I haven't tried it before or why don't you want to do that right now. it sounds more like disapproval from them and even understanding that it's all stupid I may on and off consider myself kind of not worthy just by compering their number of hook-ups that they always have a need to share with you. Having such people in your life daily will be in some way destructing for your self-esteem or confidence in a long run. I hope you got it.
i didnt realize this until you said it but i have observed with some of my friends that engage... they do not have any hobbies at all.. like not a single thing that they do on their own and dedicate time, or craft or passion to. makes sense now
i’ve always loved your perspectives and the way you analyze things, and i’m so glad that this particular topic was brought up on your channel. i’ve never understood the appeal of hooking up and, as a result, it isolates me from many of my friends. it’s strange that my abstaining from sex with literal strangers is viewed as a rarity in this society. it’s not surprising that so many people engage in it considering our society has such a heavy emphasis on hooking up being “empowering” and “fun” but its still so disheartening to see the people i love fall into it. it’s nice to see that perhaps my mindset isn’t so uncommon after all. personally, i just don’t see the benefit of hooking up, especially long term. it’s so damaging, especially once you finally find someone you truly love. i don’t see any value in sex unless it’s with someone special. it makes it more of an individual and human experience, in my opinion. i’d rather be frowned upon by society than give up my morals for someone i hardly know, and it’s so refreshing to see people who think similarly.
i love this comment. i especially wanted to say, ive heard and read far too many times from people that did engage in hookup culture and met someone they loved or eventually married, how bad they felt that they slept with so many people because at the end of the day it really only mattered and meant the most with their spouse/who they ended up falling in love with in the first place
@@missbimbeaux absolutely, i’ve also heard the same thing from several people. it’s not imaginary either, it’s a real phenomenon. habitually hooking up has been proven to alter your brain chemistry so that sex won’t be as enjoyable by the time you truly fall in love with someone. the long-term effects aren’t widely acknowledged but they’re so drastic and our society continues to be ignorant of them
If you really think about this, this is why people should wait until marriage. It’s such an intimate act that only reaches its full potential when the people can give themselves fully to each other, which can only happen within marriage
I disagree, I m also not a fan of hookup culture but it can also reach its full potential in a loving relationship, I don't think marriage is necessary for that.
Seeing this type of content get popular makes me vindicated for the path I've chosen. Periods of doubt swept over as I saw most chase pleasures and fancies. Now I see others starting the same path I did after being burnt out. But I wonder... are they doing it for "shelter" or to make it their new "home"? Striving for deeper meaning and connection within yourself and others has it's own challenges, and can often be disappointing in a way that sets you free.
I was definitely suckered into the bandwagon fallacy. My first hookup ended up being my SA. I took that event of my life and somehow twisted it into some vendetta against men. So I slept around, had good flings and the crappiest sex of my life and then felt disgusted and worn out. Also, and this may sound weird, but my last relationship with a man was so healthy that it made me realize how much deeper sex could feel with someone you felt completely comfortable with and trusted. The intimacy was unreal and now that’s what I am looking for in a partner. Been single for a while and 0 sex with anyone. I’ve never felt this happy 😃
Hookups have become even more common today, especially with the explosion of social media. Even very young kids are being conditioned to accept this as the norm because they see a lot of "sexualized" content on the web. It's kinda hard to stop this, honestly.
I have just lost my now ex gf of 4 years to hookup culture. She experienced high levels of FOMO about what it would be like to participate in hookup culture and we ultimately broke things off because it was deteriorating the relationship. It has made me feel like a weirdo that I am not attracted to this modern dating life that is plastered all over the internet and I was losing hope on being able to find like minded people in my generation (gen z). Even those (like my ex) who are like minded feel the need to experience it, in case we're missing out. Fvck FOMO, stay authentic and do what feels right for you. If that's hookup culture, then so be it. Hope you have a fantastic day if you're reading this. Love.
You cant sleep on 30 pps and then belong to one. It does not work, you mechanicly program your brain to not be able to bond with one person, it is one way road
Hi Lana, thanks for your channel...i think the core philosophy of the sexual revolution is about humans having the freedom to explore/express our sexuality ethically, not about toxic hookup culture...💗🍃🙏
same, but for 7 years now lol (I just don't feel comfortable being physical with a guy if I'm not 100% in love with his mind and soul... I'll keep being like this until I find the right person, I'm 25 btw)
Kudos for making this video! As I've grown older (adult) and started stepping out of the comfort zone and getting a more deep idea about the society, one of the main things I noticed over last years was this endless hookup culture. It really bothered me a lot when I didn't like this hookup culture and to see that I am mostly alone in this perspective as it's widely displayed over social media. And this video and seeing all the comments reminded me that I'm not alone! I always saw 'sex' as a thing that should be used cautiously and if our last took power over us, then it will be nothing but a headache to our almost every other day to day work. Also I love the fact that you made sure to mention that it's only your personal opinion. My respect for you and your channel gets increased day by day. Keep it up Lana 😊
I'm happy to see so many fellow males here that also share a negative view on hookup culture. For me personally I'm really looking for a long-term commited relationship. I don't want to hookup with random girls, because I know it will make me feel sad and alone. Really I'm just looking for a connection with another person and that is something hookup culture can't give. Most other people find it weird that I'm not hooking up with girls and kinda make fun of it. Joking about that I don't have the social skills to get a girl und things like that
Thank you Lana for making this video, and also happy to see so many men in the comment section being vulnerable with their thoughts and feelings about the topic!❤
thank you for making this, Lana. there is really a grim lack of knowledge and awareness on this. wish people(mostly women, but also men) understood the consequences before bearing them. will try to do my fair share of raising awareness on this.
I'm a married Gen X-er who could never understand hook-up culture when I experienced it in the 90s and 2000s. It's nothing new, and it existed prior to these horrid dating apps. I was pretty picky with partners and tended to friend zone women a lot, many who later expressed desire to sleep with me even within confines of relationships with another man. It really bothered me to the point that I was terrified of being in a relationship with a woman who could "step out" on me as these girls were willing to. Either way, I was always happy that my BC was quite low and that most of the experiences I had were quite meaningful with people that had a special place in my life.
True because porn and hook up culture is trying to makes us feel like sex objects! Only sex toys are the objects so yeah we should be mindful I'm glad I'm not confused with this!
I don’t know how but I feel like I missed out on a lot of dating experience so I’m clueless about so much. Even though hook ups seem so normalized, I still don’t see how sex can be just casual since to me it seems like a step in a relationship. No judgement to anyone that partakes in hookup culture though, to each their own
I find it interesting, when a writer claims that it hurts men (too) but not as immediate or as obviously. Because for years, men have been talking about the harmful effects of hookup culture for men with a parallel to porn. Whenever hookup culture was discussed and its effect on women, you were labeled as "you must want to go back to 1950" or "this is just part of the sexual revolution for women". Heck, the damage of porn and hookup culture is pretty much only talked about on how "men view women" and how "men watching porn helps objectifying women". So, from a male to female effect perspective, instead of an introspective. However, discussion of this on women, is mostly introspective. How it affects her self esteem, her self worth, her lack of orgasms, etc. While if you were to mention that a woman participating in hookup culture and accumulating over 50 sex partners, reduces her loyalty and strength to a relationship - you "just want women back in the kitchen". So; 1) How male hookup culture affects women. 2) How female hookup culture affects themselves. Sexual revolutionists and Feminists suppress the perspective of how women affect men in hookup culture, and they judge men for all of it. So, I don't accept the writer's initial view.
You're doing the right thing by repeating the disadvantages of hookup culture, thanks Lana! I think this has to be repeated again and again so that finally we as non hookup fans just feel self confident enough to live our non hookup lifestyle without any self doubts although the rest of the world is telling us the opposite. And I say this as a man ...
Honestly my last two dates had bodycounts from 32- over 50 !! Siriously, when I want to marry a girl I am searching someone who is committed to stay in a relationship… especially when it comes to marrying. I don’t want to lose 50% of everything because I then became number 51. the chance of a breakup will go up with ever partnership she had. It doesn’t mean she gets EXPERIENCE… she isn’t able to hold up a healthy relationship or intimacy is something like a handshake to her. Top percent man want a honorable wife not a who…
I would never think of a girl as a wife material even if she has done make out before marriage. Remaining virgin till marriage and waiting for right partner is the bare minimum.
I never understood the hookup culture. When I was in high school my friends were hooking up left and right, I never did. I have only been with one person (I’m almost 49); I can’t say the same for my wife. I have always felt that the people that are hooking up are the people that have a hard time being alone, have no hobbies or long term goals in life. As a man I don’t really have “feelings” in general, so I don’t understand the concept of “getting close to someone” by having sex with them.
Hook-up culture (particularly the online flavour) is potentially unsafe: physically, financially and mentally. But the risk is apparently an important element of the attraction for many.
Casual sex doesn’t exist because sex cannot be casual. If you claim that it can you are lying to yourself to justify your own bad/regrettable behavior. I was raised by parents and grew up around people who viewed sex as an extremely personal thing that should not be treated as a sport, but as the most intimate bonding act anyone will ever experience. Hookup culture also promotes high risk behaviors that emphasize short term pleasure, a concept that screams “bad idea” louder than a bull horn. People should be encouraged not to engage in it, as no one ends up benefiting 😢
I don’t know how your channel popped up in my feed, but I am actually pretty grateful for this content you share. I’m always seeking guidance and this was much needed. I was pretty good about not being apart of the hook up culture for much of my whole life up until the years of 2018-2022, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t regret some of those careless years of not giving a you know what! As of the year 2024 I’ve decided to become celibate which a lot of people joke about it to me because I’m a male, but I feel much better compared to the previous years before. Spiritually I’m healing myself right now, mentally I’m exercising a better mindset, and then physically I’m staying active with fitness and outdoor activities and being there for my parents and pets. Sex is a dangerous game that is played around so carelessly in these crazy times. It’s going to be a long time before I pursue a woman again until I know the right one comes along my path because I do have a BIG HEART that gets played with quite often. And the last thing I need is for it to turn stone cold.
I once had a steady hook up buddy in college and it was a positive experience! Part of what made it worked was because I knew who I was and what I wanted. Plus, I am someone who generally appreciates sex on its own. I didn’t engage in sex outside of a relationship because “everyone else was”. Eventually, I did end it because I felt it was no longer serving me, I was entering a new stage in life and I wanted to invest my time and energy into something long term. But for a bit, that person and the arrangement we had was what I needed and I’m grateful for it. I think a lot of people demonize casual sex when it’s their own fault for not understanding what they want and following who they are and jumping on the bandwagon of something is not for them. I don’t think we should shame women who enjoy sex.
I had a similar positive experience with a hook up buddy. In fact we had better sex than I've had in more "serious" long term relationships. I don't get this idea some people have that sex is always better if you're married or in a committed relationship. What determines if the sex is good is if the people have chemistry, not the relationship status.
@@cestmoi2497 chemistry is formed and the bond between two people is solidified even more during a long term relationship. What you experienced could have been even better had you also been in a meaningful loving relationship with that gentleman as well, rather than just hooking up when it's convenient.
I'm a woman who has hooked up and I enjoyed it and don't regret it. I did it because it's what I wanted, not to fit in. In fact I was actually shamed for it. That's totally fine if hookup culture isn't for you, and I don't think people should be shamed for not wanting to participate in it. However, can we also not shame those who do? Why can't we just accept that people have different needs and values and that everyone should do what's best for them? As long as they're consenting adults it's really nobody else's business.
I am a happily married man and have been with the same woman for almost 18 years. Before I met my wife I travelled the world surfing, hiking and immersing myself into different cultures. I avoided the party scenes and was very shy when it came to women. On the rare occasion I could hook up I wouldn’t. I felt like I needed to know a person really well beforehand. My male friends thought I was crazy. Sex is very sacred to me and the energy exchanged is a powerful thing. I look back on my youth and am proud of my decisions. I followed my passions and allowed myself to mature into the man I am today.
Guys that just want to hook up come off as psychos. I told this one guy that I’m on my period and he said “I can put on a condom.” I told him I’m cramping and he said “alright.” Like what? No sympathy there whatsoever and it’s complete turn off when they act like that. Not to mention the amount of ghosting that happens with these kind of guys.
The only guys participating in hookup culture are the same 20% every women wants. It’s a small number of guys sleeping with most women today. The bottom 80% of guys get very little to no sex whatsoever. I’ve been single for 3 and half years only a handful of dates and no hookups despite trying 9 different dating apps. I’ve officially retired from dating it’s pure bullshit. Enjoy those std ladies 😂
The fact that 90% of women in hookup culture do not climax... ouch, please, my sisters, get out of there if it doesn't bring you anything positive, you deserve that pleasure you want and without any safety risks. It's not empowering if he doesn't care about your orgasm or if you feel like you need to moan until he finishes... it's not fair, you both should enjoy! Your value is already in you, not in how many men find you attractive enough :) I think as a society we need to stop acting as if having big feelings and wanting love is dumb and weak, I literally have never met a stronger person that those who dare to show their feelings and care about others. Personally I don't think that hectic non stop no control careless hookups are good for either men or women, it can lead to them feeling hollow, used, numb and even lonely when that person leaves and won't contact until they want more sex. After all they are not objects, they are human beings. Some emotional responsabilty should be the norm even in casual encounters. I want a real relationship before I want sex, so I won't participate in hookups basically for safety and emotional reasons, I need the loyalty, the respect, the deep conversations to feel confortable enough. But hey, I'm not shaming that 10% who are having fun, go for it safely! I'm just talking to the majority of girls who don't enjoy it, probably you need something else and that's valid and it doesn't make you any less of an empowered woman.
Isn't it weird how, if you pick just ONE book to read about a topic, and the title of that book is basically "That Opinion You Hold? It's Totally True!", you'll find a lot of evidence for the opinion you hold and virtually NOTHING that might make you question what you already think? Not only does this vlogger openly admit to confirmation bias with her thin research, but she doesn't even pick a legitimate source to quote from. Louise Perry, her only author for this piece, is not a psychologist, a sexologist, a researcher, an anthropologist, a historian, a relationship expert, or ANYTHING that might give her credibility regarding casual dating--she's a journalist. Admittedly, she was one a staffer at a rape-crisis center in England, but that's a far cry from being an expert on women or sexual assault, much less an expert on human sexuality and dating. And, despite often being pegged as "left-leaning," Louise Perry actually promotes a LOT of right-wing talking points, which she backs up, it at all, with cherry-picked statistics and historical untruths. So as not to bury the lead here, let's start with a BIG one: Perry has said in print that that all trans lesbians are actually just male "autogynephilias"--fetishists who don't believe they are women at all, but just get off sexually on the thought of being a woman--and that this the COMMON understanding in the field of sexology! Of course, a quick Google search shows that this is not the common consensus among any scientists in any field--it's a fringe theory espoused by a guy named Ray Blanchard back in the 1980s, one that has been refuted in many studies and papers by more objective scientists. This theory is popular only among TERFs, and many other trans-hating, holocaust-denying bigots that Perry pals around with. Can we trust Perry to write up honest statistics about dating in her own book, then, when she has already been printing big, bold lies about scientific statistics in print for several years now? And that's not all! Perry believes abortion is as morally wrong as infanticide. She believes that Christianity was the origin of true feminism. She thinks people in committed relationships should not be allowed to watch porn or read Fifty Shades of Grey. She believes masculinity and femininity are innate, and that society is becoming feminized, which will lead women who aren't gay to start relationships with other women out of sheer power-dynamics CONFUSION! She thinks that choke-play during sex is an epidemic of violence just shy of street attacks, and that the 58 women in a college study who admitted to having done choke play are all traumatized victims who only PRETEND to think it wasn't a big deal, or even fun, because they have Stockholm Syndrome. She also thinks T.S. Eliot, a known anti-Semite who called Booker T. Washington a "N*****," is a role-model for moral lifestyles--though maybe this is just a case of game recognizing game, since she has written equally racist articles in the past condemning immigration into the U.K. She specifically wants us to put tight limits on immigrants from Muslim countries, because CLEARLY the past shows that immigrants never TRULY assimilate, they just continue to practice their own cultures! And since Muslim culture is clearly just violence and terrorism with a few Arabic words thrown in, she insinuates that the streets of Colchester and Slough will soon run red with the blood of Jews and Christians! And there's a whole lot more, because I don't even have TIME to get into how Louise Perry is a non-believing agnostic who argues that Christianity's disappearance is a tragedy that will return us to a "pagan" society that legalizes euthanasia for depressed people, and how Christianity is the only religion to ever end slavery, and... god, it's all too much! Lana, if you're reading this, maybe you should find some authors who aren't trying to pass off their quasi-religious conservatism as solid dating advice? I'm sure there is some basis for the idea that women like casual hookups less than men, but if you want actual proof, try a broader range of sources, including maybe some actual scientific papers!
As a man who was very promiscuous before getting married, while it was “fun”, its effects are like a drug. The novelty of new dates, new women, new experiences. It sets a bar that is very difficult for the consistency and security of marriage to meet. My wife is my best friend and I adore her, and my past gave me a lot of experiences and comparators that it’s not fair to hold her to. For me, hookup culture is like a merry go round that’s only fun if you keep riding it. Once you get off and look at what it was, it’s a combination of guilt and an unfortunate little voice that will always be telling you to get back on. If you just want to keep riding then c’est la vie. But as a married man, it’s an awful thing to carry.
Something the animals created to reproduce! You know you can astraly project and have sex with another spirit like your partner but in the astral realm??? It was said by Druunvalo Melchizedek in some documentary!
Great points, One lesson I can learn from this is to stick with what I feel is right as oppose to others telling me how to live my life.. Though I don't have much hooking up apart of my life I'll also take the patience route as you said just because everyone is doing it doesn't mean it is right.. I'm determined to find my way..
On top of society positively viewing male promiscuity and hook-up culture, we men also deal with a competitive environment in which we count our sexual "conquests" with terms like "lay count". Especially for men who don't "get around" or get rejected by most women (80% according to dating apps), we men can take these numbers very seriously, further encouraging one another to objectify others. So even if men identify as more sexually promiscuous, that doesn't necessarily mean they get around or even have had one-night stands. In fact, as per the "sexless male epidemic", most men today are NOT having sex due to the aforementioned "pickiness" of women or focus on monogamy and long-term relationships. So while the numbers mentioned in this book do point to men being more open to hook-ups, the reality is that most of these men actually don't hook up at all -- ironically because they don't present values women seek that would identify them as long-term suitors.
Respect…For speaking your truth and sharing your wisdom. This is rather an unpopular stance to take because hookup culture is often associated with owning sexual autonomy & sexual liberation, and therefore, promoted as empowering. Popular internet personalities like Alexandra Cooper from the “Call Her Daddy” podcast, Amber Rose, and Kazumi will pawn the idea off to fellow women as being positive, without so much as a second thought as to how it actually impacts the involved individuals spiritually or emotionally, or even society as a whole. Even better, unlike myself, you speak from a place of non-judgement, which I think is easier for others to receive. Great post.
i am 35 years old and a virgin. Being a man it is tough to stay away from hookup culture. But one of the main reason that i did not indulge in this due to having strong values and principles that guides you every single day. Here`s hoping to get married soon with someone that has same values as me.
I've always felt the same way you did, and I believe I'm older than you, so it's been a longer journey of abstinence for me. Casual hookups is just an alien concept to me.
You uploaded this too soon but that's fine. I never joined the cult of the hookup culture. Whenever someone tells me to participate in sexual intercourse, I get turned off instantly and lose interest. Sex is a taboo subject for me. It's hard to admit that I might be asexual. Because your videos revolve around relationships more than ever, I don't have much to say. You teach me how relationships work, allowing me to fill in the blanks in my knowledge caused by my ignorance.
I’ve found that casual encounters are not trivial if both parties are clear on expectations. I’ve always found something to love and learn about the women I’ve known. That said, my long term relationships outnumber the brief encounters for a reason.
I am glad that you are being true to yourself, Lana! I think it is important for all genders when considering participating in hookup culture, to first consider (if they are eventually looking to settle down with one person) how their present actions may impact that future relationship. Exhibit the morals and standards you are looking for. If you don't want your future partner so have had many previous intimate relations, you should try to hold yourself to that same standard.
For me this is obvious that hoopup culture is also hurting men. Incels, red pills, all the lonely, depressed men are the children of the hookup culture. If people are encouraged to form stable relationships then men and women on similiar level of attractiveness pair with each other. But when the trend is to be single and have meaningless sex adventures then the most attractive men gets all the ladies. I may be the exception of the rule, but I am agains casual sex and I wish for a lifelong loving relationship, but I have no hope I could ever get that.
Your way is best I believe. So many, particularly young women, end up in counselling because of many casual sex encounters. As a man of advanced years and experience I know the endless persuit of meaningless sex caused nothing but heartache and reduced self esteem. For women it is I think worse. It's an empty box at the end of the day. Unfortunately my generation, like this one, was under pressure to do this stuff, along with all the drugs and other life wrecking nonsense. Love and flowers to all❤
Hey lana, hope you're doing good but i just wanna say that your recent videos are just around one topic you know... I loved your video before like that one video "how to care less" or "other " self helping video which btw i have like seen hundred times,i just wanna say that you might have changed and it's okay but i loved your previous videos, i hope you make more of them...as they are inspiring and helpful for both adults and teenager
Thank you for speaking up! ❤️ I know it takes some courage, especially in today’s western society, where the freedom of expression starts to be more and more closed but in the other way around, if it makes sense…
When we reject guys who only want hookup but not real connection, they would say ‘girl will age. You’ll regret’. 😢Even tho there’re lots of things we’ll regret not doing, the opportunity cost of having casual sex is much higher than the benefits I’ll regret if I do it
I was always the guy who went home alone from the bar, even when I spent half the night talking to a cute girl, wouldn't hook up with anyone at a party, even though there was a girl there who I was interested in, and would regularly have dates end with us going home separately. The difference is that none of those results were my choice or what I wanted. I'd try to bring the girl I'd spent hours talking with at the bar home, suggest to the girl at the party that we go back to my place, and usually went home alone from dates because I got stood up. When you're not a part of hook-up culture not because you don't want to be, but because you aren't allowed to be, it's kinda like hearing someone who was born into a rich family talk about how money isn't important. Keep in mind, I wanted to and TRIED to actually find someone I could fall in love with for many years. But after nothing but rejection, I finally decided that meaningless hookups were better than nothing...but apparently I couldn't have that either.
You have arrived to this in perfect time. If you’re a girl you don’t lose anything with hookup culture. If you’re a boy just tell the first love of your life that you had at least another woman before so that you aren’t judged for lack of experience.
90% of women prefer and desire a committed relationship. Women are also pickier, they reject most of the advances from most men (some we assume would commit) Translation: Women desire committed relationship from Chad alone, but Chad don't care cause he already on to the next girl by the time you end reading this comment.
I think, if women in majority want commited relationships, but don't have that, then that would mean they are scared or hindered in some way. Whatever a person chooses to do or not to do, it comes back to oneself. So that is the sad part for me - women want relationships, but nontheless do those hookups. So it does not align either way.
Lana, forgets that the ultimate thesis of the book is: Marriage = Good. Which is incredibly reductive. Perry cherrypicks the negative anecdotes of hook up culture to make marriage look like the only option. Sadly, its not. There are a billion anecdotes in India alone of pre-arranged marriages demonstrating how toxic marriage has always been. We don't even have to focus on a particular culture. Marriage came into existence as a form of bartering to get hold of valuable land. Infamously, Alice Kytyler in the Irish town of Kilkenny was branded a witch, because her men appeared to die as soon was they were married. In reality, they died of natural causes, but because she was acquiring more land than any nobelman in the area, jealousy was setting in among some men in Kilkenny society and they saw an opportunity to 'cancel' her. Just because marriage seems normal does not mean it is the only way to navigate life. Woman have and will continue to be viciously abused under the guise of marriage. No culturally exceptable system is perfect. We can cherrypick from here to kingdom come, but we will always find some women who despise marraige and those, like Lana, who will finds books by right-wing women, who have a particular opinion and cherrypick the data to suit their opinion. Hook-up culture (Left Wing) is not for everyone, but marriage (Right Wing) is not for everyone either.
When you marry the wrong one that is not compatible to you - yes than marriage is toxic. But when you know your boundaries and values and say no to disrespect until someone truely matches your values and respects boundaries than marriage is a path for growth- emotionally, mentally..
To me, the hookup culture not only gets you to violate your own body but also your mind. Who you sleep with reveals a lot about who you are as a person. Physical closeness should be a result of emotional nearness.
I think girls are more likely to say they don’t like it and guys more likely to say they enjoy it because it is considered socially excepted that way. So they feel pressured to say that not how that they actually feel. I can’t understand the need for hook up culture and I’m not ashamed to say it to those around me but yes each to their own.
Everything's got a good and bad side Lana! Maybe you can experience it yourself and give it a try and then decide on the pros and cons. The negative sides are obvious but it does have a few positives.
And if you obey most of those upon the earth, they will mislead you from the way of Allāh. They follow not except assumption, and they are not but misjudging. 6:116 Your body is your temple it is precious and you shouldn't allow everyone in and out of it ❤ Thank you Lana ❤
Great video Lana! Definitely on point. There is one more way to understand these observations: Women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of relationships. Women seek commitment in men while men seek sex. A man would never approach a woman if he feels that she won't allow him to build a family. Likewise a woman would never allow a man if she feels that he won't commit. There are some exceptions though and these are simply due to unhealthy or immature personality. If a girl doesn't want to have a relationship with a guy, the best course of action is to leave her. But some men decide to gift commitment and resources in the hope that the women might finally change her mind. Similarly, when a man doesn't want to commit to a woman, some women might offer casual sex to keep him around and gain his commitment. But just like women can be unmoved by a man's reckless spending on them, men too can be unmoved by a women's reckless sex offerings. Infact in both cases, the boy or the girl ends up being used without receiving what they really desired in the first place. So casual sex is nothing but a desperate act from women to gain a man's commitment. If a girl is truly great, she won't need to offer casual sex to attract a guy.
Never been a fan of that gatekeeper saying. It defies common sense because both people have gates to open for both sex and relationships. Both people have to agree to both things. To believe different is a very limiting belief. Its like taking your own power away from what you don't believe you are a gatekeeper of. The person that came up with that saying is most likely a man that had trouble with attracting a woman he really liked and kept attracting women he didn't like. All of us men have been there before, but that guy just came to the wrong conclusion. He validated his experience as an unchangeable reality rather than to look into the fact that he might have been doing something wrong.
@@Leoo117 Huh I don't think that you understood this saying well. Let's see it in other manner. Suppose a man got the opportunity to have infinite sex, would he gatekeep sex. Likewise if a woman has got the oppurtunity to infinite provision/commitment, would she gatekeep it. Most of them would simply exploit the other person to their end and provide nothing simply cuz it's all they want. Now if you want, you can replace commitment and sex with masculinity and feminity. Men don't need masculinity from their women in the same sense that women don't need feminity from their men. It's just so happens that commitment and sex have the most impact on masculinity and feminity.
@syedsaad4160 I don't know about that man. If a man had an option for infinite sex, and some of them do, it would be dependent on his own integrity and self-respect that determines if he acts like an animal or a self-respecting human being with boundaries and be very picky with his choice. So a good man won't just give anyone the key to his gate. Same with a woman. A self-respecting woman with all the stuff in the world with many commitment options, which many also have, won't commit to just any person and will be extremely picky and not give just anyone her key either. Granted, there are many people without integrity that will take advantage of others, but those types of people are the ones to avoid anyway. I think it's more about knowing we all have the power to get what we want, but if we come to believe that only the opposite sex has this certain ability to give us a certain thing, it can put us in a desperate mindset and make us less attractive. And I believe masculinity and femininity are all about our behavior, not just about allowing one another through our gates. For example, masculinity is about taking the lead, having goals, drive and purpose and making others around us feel safe. Whereas femininity is about bonding and connecting and receiving love, and focusing on relationships and stuff like that. So I can definitely see what you mean about masculinity and femininity, but there are a lot of broke dudes that get the woman they want, and there are many women that wait until marriage and have a man that really cares for them. That's why I believe masculinity and femininity are more about behavior.
@@Leoo117 I get you bro. Your comment is definitely true for normal relationships. But that's simply cuz in normal relationships there is an equal amount of give and take. Let's consider relationships wherein we only recieve and never have to give. For females, this is like receiving infinite resources from men without giving sex in return. In this case she would keep exploiting men until they expect sex in return, in which case she must decide whether to keep receiving financial benefits from her men or not. Similarly for men, this is like receiving infinite casual sex without giving any loyalty or financial resources in return. The men here would exploit their women, until they demand for marriage. Then the man must decide whether to stop receiving sex or to receive it whilst giving women their desired level of commitment. Now I get your other examples too. Even women want and like sex. Masculinity and feminity consist of multiple qualities. Part of masculinity is providing the sperm. However this is so easy for women to attain that it doesn't hold a lot of value. What's hardest however is to get the man to agree for marriage as it involves a lot of commitment. So the gatekeeping saying is not perfect, but it works well in most instances. Lastly some broke dudes are able to get women simply because they embody the potential to be a great man. I don't recommend the fake it till you make it approach as women are good at identifying what's fake and what isn't. But they can see the potential too which is why some of them stick around.
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Go to betterhelp.com/lana for 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen and help
I'm so glad to see you☺ love your Videos & YOU🌹🌺💑❤
Lana REALLY i like so so so much💖 you are favorite👍💯 i wish meet you in my life💘💕❤
@@akbargabbar505Down tremendously 😮
I see you, Lana. 👀 If only you were in Sydney... 💝
Please don't mind asking this question, are you a Christian?
@@NatureDaydream I don't think you understand how serious Betterhelp's ethical violations are. They are not a good company to be supporting, and if you care about kindness, you sure as hell should care about this.
As a man I almost feel weird for not liking hookup culture because my friends and people around me all do like it. But it also seems that it is almost like a hobby to them and they have nothing else going for them except hooking up with people. I like my peace and quiete and do have different hobbies like playing the guitar and going to the gym. I can entertain myself very well but the people I see hooking up with people constantly are also the people who can’t be alone for too long or don’t have any hobbies, so they seek this in other people.
Young peaches are young peaches ;)
This! I see that in my surroundings as well, that friends who cannot be alone for a day, go on tinder dates as for a hobby
How to entertain oneself
You and I are very alike. I almost thought I was reading one of my own replies on RUclips that I’d forgotten about.
@@saraheddie6737 thank you means a lot 🙂. I honestly get told this a lot but still I have been single my whole life because I’m not a player and a lot of women seem to go for the player guys because they have the pretty talks that work on the feelings of women. But I am not like that so I rather wait a little longer then trying to be something that I’m not.
Hookup culture doesn't just hurt women, but it keeps ALL heart-centered people divided. Men who are heart-centered, not controlled by lust, and who shun hook-up culture often have their sexuality questioned. At the same time, I think that MANY women are more attracted to men with the hookup culture mentality as they associate that mentality with masculinity.
Thanku
This is 100% true, I cannot agree more. And our society view 'bad boys' as smart people and declare people who control their lust as non-cool or boring people.
"Men who are heart-centered, not controlled by lust, and who shun hook-up culture often have their sexuality questioned" 💯💯💯
so true!
Nailed it! I couldn’t say it better.
For sure, I've been told that I must be gay because I don't go around chasing women.
You've said what I always wanted to say, Loveless sex doesn't make sense to me also, I find it ridiculous. This Hook up culture is totally beyond me . 😢
You don't feel any conection 💔
@@leandroantelo7154 I think what today's generation lack is true connection 💔
Well it doesn’t make sense to you because you don’t understand hook up that’s what hooking up is.Doing things without commitment.I don’t find it ridiculous and I’ll tell yall why every women isn’t meant nor worth being in a relationship with same thing goes for men most definitely the kind of people who loose interest fast.Its crazy that most people in our generation want to be in long term relationships but don’t have any successful nor good experiences with relationships and no good relationship history.It is also weird how most women today want to withhold sex from men but get angry when man choose not to commit.If women can choose to withhold sex we also have the choice to not commit.This is why relationships are so bad in our generation because our generation do not respect gender roles and don’t understand that both genders do not have the same role nor doesn’t represent the samething.And initially you have most people today engaging in hookup culture when they aren’t meant for hooking up.And you have most people today that try to be in relationships when they are only meant for hooking up.I just find everything about our generation is so backwards and I’m great with assessing and observing everything even from the distance😊.
Maybe one day people will learn the simple fact I learned which is that sex with someone you love and respect is about 100 times BETTER than sex with a stranger or someone you do not respect. I cannot sleep with a man I do not respect, it feels like being raped.
@@jamalgreen3056well they specifically said loveless sex, hot hookups? I think they know the difference but were saying they don’t understand loveless sex.
In a world that validates all other sorts of sexual expression and experience, I finally feel validated for keeping my body to myself and giving it to someone I truly love mind, body, and soul.
Hookup culture is objectively bad for everyone. Its a fact and its ok to say the truth. Its not being judgemental to say that. I've talked to so many men about this, and literally ALL of them have regretted having random and casual sex with women they have no real interest in. Even the ones that like to view sex as a trophy feel this way deep down. Its like glorified masterbation. Also, its important to recognize when we are experiencing lust, so we don't give into it.
We are not meant for promiscuity. Promiscuity is similar to taking drugs because they both act as a distraction from something uncomfortable in our lives that we need to address but are actively avoiding. They both make things worse for ourselves.
You are making it way too deep my guy. Sex is fun and enjoyable. If two people have intimite connection with each other even for a one night and they get pleasure out of it, there is literally nothing wrong with that. It’s not even about feeling its a trophy even if there are a few dumbasses that cherish it like it would be an achievement.
And stop lying to yourself by saying everyone regrets casual sex, that is just not true and there is no reason for it to be true lmao. Its just sex. If you don’t like hooking up, that is totally fine, you don’t need to make excuses and stories to validate your opinion.
It’s only bad when one person is leading someone else on just to get sex at least once, while the other one has expectations for actual relationship. But even then, it is not the hooking up that is the problem, its just people not being able to communicate what they want and being at different points at their life, simple as that.
All these ”no hooking up, no fap, plaplapla” videos are nonsense, just live your life and experience what works for you and what doesn’t. There is no rulebook for life, that is a fact, most of these topics are just people making their lives unnecessarily difficult, creating restrictions for themselves because they create problems in their head and then spread that info to cause problems for others. Off from internet, to the real world to experience it.
@@grydon6422 Quite defensive there bro... There is no such thing as a consequenceless one night stand in nature. Pregnancy would result most of the time, so no it is not "just fun"
Also STDs
bad is subjective
It suits CHAD very much.
Women in the short term.
Non-CHAD guys and older women that have been run through, not so much.....
@coffeebreakchat2450 Hook-up culture is not good for them either. It's not good for literally anybody. There is always the short-term gratification and pleasure, but that doesn't make it good.
Multiple partners is the single biggest cause of STDs
I don't think so bc having sex with multiple partners is not new. To me it's not related. We can't measure how much people did centuries ago (ex 1800's or before - 1800's) because we have no records / book. We don't know about stds at this time neither.
@@jessysoulmanscofield how does it contradict my point, obviously it's nothing new and it probably caused STDs before 1800s but we had no way to test
@@jessysoulmanscofieldthese days though, people have VERY bad hygiene. I met a few guys who confessed to me they slept around/hooked up a lot and eventually caught something.
@@missbimbeaux you think people from centuries ago had better hygiene? I don't think so
Nope. People not being educated enough about STDs, not wearing protection, and not getting tested is what causes the spread of STDs.
I could never stand hookup culture, because I’ve always looked beyond the immediate benefits or ‘instant gratification’ of my choices, and could see the negative longer term effects.
Sometimes I do indulge my impulses. I might eat something unhealthy, or drink until 4am on a night out. But when I do such things, which already is rare, I do it entirely at my own expense and am fully aware of what I’m doing.
Hookups by definition involve another person, and that honestly never sat right with me. I can damage myself all I like, and that’s my business and problem. But when other people are involved, it isn’t.
I use drug use as an example to illustrate this to people. I often consider hookups to be even more toxic and nefarious than drug use, because with drugs you are only ruining your own wellbeing, whereas with hookups you also are potentially ruining another person’s wellbeing.
Your comment resonated a lot with me. One thing though I'd like to mention: Drug use also affects other people severly (parents, children, friends, people who care about you). Have a good day! :)
bless you. well said.
ive always thought this way thank you for verbalizing it
I think You're the only one who's raised this incredibly humongous issue. Casual sex is, virtually by definition, using another Human Being for one's own transient amusement. And doing so may quite likely cause serious pain and visit a whole host of very real practical consequences upon that person. Even if s/he consents ... or even initiated ... You know that indulging will likely prove bad for him/her, and that the consent was born of poor judgement and bound to be a lasting source of regret. So, why do so many go forward? Well, consider that a certain other "culture" came into being right alongside ... part & parcel, if you will ...with "hook-up culture." So, what is this ugly twin of which I speak: "r@pe culture" ... yeah. It's no myth. It's quite real. I think folks need to think about this. I had to learn about this crap because of a sick and disturbing situation that I had to deal with.
Respect sent Your way from Boston. 💪👍🎸
🎼TD
@@tdesq.2463 💯
To me, hookup culture has completely ruined the way that people perceive relationships. I was talking to this girl a while ago and we hadn't done anything sexual throughout the whole time of us dating for about a month. We had only kissed one time and after that our entire relationship dynamic changed because she only wanted to hookup with me and I didn't want that. She then proceeded to ghost me all because I didn't want to hookup with her. I didn't understand at first because I didn't think people took sex so seriously and that it was something that they felt was 100% important to having a relationship become something more than a friendship. I had never hooked up with anyone before because I think that sex is sacred and should only be shared with someone you either have a super deep intimate relationship with or with someone you are married to.
The good thing for you is that you got rid of the problem, we always have to put ourselves, our values and self-respect first
you have been objectified, he only saw a breeding piece of meat that belongs to him, i am so sorry that you had experience with patriarch... Oh wait...
You are very correct 💯
I'm so so glad you spoke about this. It's crazy because I have complained about this to friends but not many can relate. I remember there was a guy I really liked and it was so obvious that all he wanted was to hook up and have s*x. He claimed to be my "friend" but I am pretty sure friends don't use people for s*x and completely dismiss their feelings. He would call me boring and a p*$$y for not wanting to hook up with him instantly and wanting to take things slow. I did end up "hooking up" with him in the end and I seriously regret it. I thought it would maybe make him like me back but not only did it not work, but it scarred me. I now can't possibly imagine enjoying s*x and I emotionally distance myself from people assuming they just want to hook up. If you are young and you're considering this, please re-think! It can ruin your self image and future experiences.
It sounds like you wanted him because he wasnt overly emotionally needy and invested in you, many women are voluntarily choosing to hookup with certain guys because they find even some good looking caring and romantic guys to be too needy and not the FBoys they actually are attracted to.
@@rjflores438 haha not really the case as I haven’t ever met anyone who is emotionally invested that I’ve also connected with intellectually. I literally have had such little relationship experience because I’m super picky and give up the moment I realise that someone isn’t invested, I drop em now. I do admit I was naive but his lack of investment was definitely not what I wanted lmao
Use this valuable experience as a lesson, and be more cautious but dont close off, there is a lot of good men out there, and always stay true to yourself. Good luck!
@@sc0ped_sky621 thanks that’s such a sweet message!
I’ve never liked hookup culture but I gave in a lot in my younger years because I wanted to fit in so badly. Not only is it dumb because you can get pregnant, but of all my sexual encounters, only twice was I SOMEWHAT satisfied. I’m so mad I was duped into risking getting pregnant for something that didn’t even feel good.
I also feel that hookup culture has become a way to shame women into lowering their standards. But it’s perfectly reasonable for a woman to want a provider man, and to look at his actions and not his words before sleeping with him.
I’m so glad you are talking about this. My brother so desperately wanted a committed relationship and children one day but every relationship he had never worked out. He was cheated on by a girl he loved more than anything and it completely destroyed him. He was still young but he felt like he would never find true love. He then started hooking up casually with women. Alcohol abuse followed and he took his life not long after. He was only 23. I hate hookup culture and I know for a fact that my brother engaging in it only worsened his depression.
Omg 😢
Sending my condolences and love 💛
So sorry you lost him…
I have been dating a girl recently who had very different views on sex comparing to most women. She explained that it doesn't really mean anything to her but she constantly needs it. That is not to say that she would cheat, but that when she's single she's constantly hooking up. Ultimately this was one of the reasons why I've stopped dating her. It was rather weird to me.
By need she probably means attention or touch, and in our hyper sexualized society she conflated sex with a love language.
I have also met a girl like that before, and she also told me that her reason was because she never masturbates and orgasms only during sex, that s why she was sexually active so often. As a woman who masturbates pretty often if not in a relationship and orgasms pretty easily with masturbation, that was shocking for me to hear 😂 maybe it was the case with your ex too?
@@selintuncer6262 When i said i had been dating her i only meant that i went on 5-6 dates with her but we never ended up being together (sorry english is not my first language). But to answer your question: it was a little different from what you described. She would masturbate often and orgasm easily but she had never in her life reached orgasm during sex (all according to her). And yet, she would opt for sex whenever she could. When we put the dates on hold for some weeks to handle our private/family matters she wanted to have sex with someone else (not with me because she didn't want to "mess things up" between us). She assured me it doesnt mean anything to her but she needs it. Maybe I have some craazy expectations but if she can't settle with masturbation for a couple of weeks for me, then I think there is a problem. So I ended it all and to this day she keeps reminding me if I ever change my mind she would be happy to continue dating. Wrap your head around that :D (sorry for the essay)
If she needs it, the attention and validation with the sex, as much as she says she does when she is single, you better believe she is the type to constantly cheat when in a relationship. Her pair bonding mechanism is already fried from being with too many sexual partners. She can’t stay in a long term relationship anymore. Don’t believe most of the things women say. They communicate in contradictions, hypocrisy and double standards.
She "constantly" hooks up? Isn't the thought of having sex with someone who has had a thousand sex partners gross, it is like using a subway toilet.
This video arrived at perfect time. I just recently started dating this guy that seems to be wanting just casual sex from time to time. I started being okay with it to then realize that this is not me, this is not how I operate, not how my body and feelings work. Respecting yourself first is always the best choice!
True love is 2 people fully dedicating themselves to each other with no prior intimate partners or future ones, you already ruined yourself
@@DeathcoreManiac what kind of comment is that. Speak for yourself, thanks. This channel is about sharing our personal experiences peacefully, not judging others harshly. I am completely fine, didn't ruin myself yet;)
@@mariachiaradealberti257 you already indulged in promiscuity, you'll never experience true love
You did sleep with someone just for the sake of it, you'll never experience true love
@@DeathcoreManiac We want this to be a safe space for people to share their experiences. Please move your
derogatory attitude elsewhere.
I used to be a bit of a sex and dating addict in the past. Went on almost 300 dates in four years, but the fact that I did never find what i was actually looking for led me down a spiritual journey with a subsequent awakening. My sexual desire is greatly diminished and I didn't have any sexual relations in over a year now. Instead, I'd prefer to first and foremost be with someone that I feel a connection with and have the physical aspect be something that develops from that naturally.
This is interesting, can you share more about your spiritual path?
you were passed down like crazy guy 😂😂
@@roxyglow9670 And?
How society convinced women to give men exactly what they want: no strings attached hookups, and sold it as a form of liberation is something I'll probably never understand. In the last 10 years, there's been such a focus on feminism and bringing down old patriarchal structures, and hookup culture did the exact opposite of that in my opinion. It gave men and the patriarchy one the thing it wanted most, while STILL shaming women for doing it and attaching their value to their chastity. Women just lost in every way you look at it.
It’s a shitty cultural shift.
You're wrong, that's the exact contrary. Only a small fraction of men reaps these 'benefits', for the majority is getting worse, in the US half of the man between 18 and 30 years are still virgin.
*Small group of men are smashing all the girls. Hypergamy unrestrained.
"Give CHAD exactly what he wants" - FIFY
No, the shaming is long gone.
Women are peer pressured into promiscuity - the very opposite of times past.
We end up with damaged women in their 30's feeling they have to "settle" for a non millionaire, non chad.
These women are much less likely to be faithful and stay the course of a long happy marriage.
Nearly twenty years ago I had put forth a devil's advocate argument in a college course I was taking that involved, among other things, the women's liberation movement. I was stunned that no classmate had considered the argument. So, we assume that women's liberation means increased promiscuity. We also know the consequences of promiscuity, which include, among other things, STDS, AIDS, unwanted pregnancy, etc. My argument was simply, why are we racing to the bottom? In other words, if we don't like people who are promiscuous, given all of the shaming language we use, then we've collectively decided that it is a bad trait to have, similar to being addicted to illicit substances or being physically abusive to others. Why not, instead of "liberating" women through promiscuity, do we not encourage men and women to be better individuals (lift everyone up instead of racing to the bottom), including by not engaging in promiscuous behavior, which, incidentally, tends to lead to a whole host of horribles, not the least of which is date grape, particularly when women want to drink like men, but are not genetically predisposed to handle as much alcohol. I still ponder this, but I suspect I am in a very small minority.
You are just the best ❤ Bringing up topics which are slow poison to the society which are not spoken much about and taken casually among people is much needed :-) Truth spoken 💯🙌🏻
Thankfully I got a good content creator like you in my feed a year back.
A big part of guys sleeping around is the game aspect (they are of course called “players”). What Pokémon can you catch this week and how much fun can you have with them?
Some people look forward to the weekend for drugs. Some for gambling Some for sports. Some for sex. All have consequences.
Well people are not a game to be played and women’s bodies are not sex toys.
@@deezed6478Of course. I just felt it was worth mentioning what goes on in the minds of men who are compelled to commit such evil.
They’re sadistic, abusive, and shallow. They never consider the person behind the body. They use people for their own sick pleasure and waste everybody’s time with their torturous sense of humor.
I just wanted to mention that to them, on the inside, it’s all a fun little game.
@@deezed6478 Then close your legs
I trully hope this video goes viral. Big viral. 500 million views viral. Women and men, all ages, need to see this. This information is the type of data that can change world of dating for the best. The truth will be the real freedom for women.
Thamks Lana. Thanks for the video and thanks for not being part of the problem. 🙂👍👍👍
Btw. Great book.
What book?@@doctorlovera
Being in touch with our deep feelings, having a long-term vision, being able to manage our urges, and having the capacity for hard work and sacrifice, are crucial elements to build a
healthy long-term romantic relationship.
I really love how you approached this topic 🙂
Nowadays, there's a lot of confusion about love and sex. As a couples therapist, I discuss all these topics on my channel for the Spanish-speaking audience. Big hug, Lana
As a man, for me constantly hooking-up or looking for ways to do so is rather strange and such people fall into the category of those who have little to do with their lives: they have no hobbies, no passion for anything. They may have a job, it's most likely to be boring and brining no satisfaction to their life. what is more interesting is that some of my acquintances may even ask why I haven't tried it before or why don't you want to do that right now. it sounds more like disapproval from them and even understanding that it's all stupid I may on and off consider myself kind of not worthy just by compering their number of hook-ups that they always have a need to share with you. Having such people in your life daily will be in some way destructing for your self-esteem or confidence in a long run. I hope you got it.
i didnt realize this until you said it but i have observed with some of my friends that engage... they do not have any hobbies at all.. like not a single thing that they do on their own and dedicate time, or craft or passion to. makes sense now
Great video! This is a topic I don't hear people talk about very often, but it is one that significantly affects most people in our culture every day.
One day in my early 20s, I woke up and realised I deserved love, commitment, exclusivity and to be loved out loud.
At least you stopped ho3ing early. Some stop in their 30s
i’ve always loved your perspectives and the way you analyze things, and i’m so glad that this particular topic was brought up on your channel. i’ve never understood the appeal of hooking up and, as a result, it isolates me from many of my friends. it’s strange that my abstaining from sex with literal strangers is viewed as a rarity in this society. it’s not surprising that so many people engage in it considering our society has such a heavy emphasis on hooking up being “empowering” and “fun” but its still so disheartening to see the people i love fall into it. it’s nice to see that perhaps my mindset isn’t so uncommon after all. personally, i just don’t see the benefit of hooking up, especially long term. it’s so damaging, especially once you finally find someone you truly love. i don’t see any value in sex unless it’s with someone special. it makes it more of an individual and human experience, in my opinion. i’d rather be frowned upon by society than give up my morals for someone i hardly know, and it’s so refreshing to see people who think similarly.
i love this comment. i especially wanted to say, ive heard and read far too many times from people that did engage in hookup culture and met someone they loved or eventually married, how bad they felt that they slept with so many people because at the end of the day it really only mattered and meant the most with their spouse/who they ended up falling in love with in the first place
@@missbimbeaux absolutely, i’ve also heard the same thing from several people. it’s not imaginary either, it’s a real phenomenon. habitually hooking up has been proven to alter your brain chemistry so that sex won’t be as enjoyable by the time you truly fall in love with someone. the long-term effects aren’t widely acknowledged but they’re so drastic and our society continues to be ignorant of them
If you really think about this, this is why people should wait until marriage. It’s such an intimate act that only reaches its full potential when the people can give themselves fully to each other, which can only happen within marriage
I disagree, I m also not a fan of hookup culture but it can also reach its full potential in a loving relationship, I don't think marriage is necessary for that.
Some ppl don’t want marriage so no…
Seeing this type of content get popular makes me vindicated for the path I've chosen. Periods of doubt swept over as I saw most chase pleasures and fancies. Now I see others starting the same path I did after being burnt out. But I wonder... are they doing it for "shelter" or to make it their new "home"? Striving for deeper meaning and connection within yourself and others has it's own challenges, and can often be disappointing in a way that sets you free.
I was definitely suckered into the bandwagon fallacy. My first hookup ended up being my SA. I took that event of my life and somehow twisted it into some vendetta against men. So I slept around, had good flings and the crappiest sex of my life and then felt disgusted and worn out. Also, and this may sound weird, but my last relationship with a man was so healthy that it made me realize how much deeper sex could feel with someone you felt completely comfortable with and trusted. The intimacy was unreal and now that’s what I am looking for in a partner. Been single for a while and 0 sex with anyone. I’ve never felt this happy 😃
So what happened with the “perfect” man? I see a slight gap of logic in that part
@@vladonutueu he was never perfect lol and we parted ways respectfully.
That poor man....
Hookups have become even more common today, especially with the explosion of social media. Even very young kids are being conditioned to accept this as the norm because they see a lot of "sexualized" content on the web. It's kinda hard to stop this, honestly.
I have just lost my now ex gf of 4 years to hookup culture. She experienced high levels of FOMO about what it would be like to participate in hookup culture and we ultimately broke things off because it was deteriorating the relationship. It has made me feel like a weirdo that I am not attracted to this modern dating life that is plastered all over the internet and I was losing hope on being able to find like minded people in my generation (gen z). Even those (like my ex) who are like minded feel the need to experience it, in case we're missing out. Fvck FOMO, stay authentic and do what feels right for you. If that's hookup culture, then so be it.
Hope you have a fantastic day if you're reading this. Love.
Love, brother 🤘
You cant sleep on 30 pps and then belong to one. It does not work, you mechanicly program your brain to not be able to bond with one person, it is one way road
shes gonna regret it. you dodged a bullet
sorry to hear that man. my ex's previous promiscuity had ruined us as well.
Nothing but facts were spoken
Hi Lana, thanks for your channel...i think the core philosophy of the sexual revolution is about humans having the freedom to explore/express our sexuality ethically, not about toxic hookup culture...💗🍃🙏
two years celibate. never been happier.
Are you comfortable sharing more? Like what made you decide and how long do you think you'll go on for?
same, but for 7 years now lol (I just don't feel comfortable being physical with a guy if I'm not 100% in love with his mind and soul... I'll keep being like this until I find the right person, I'm 25 btw)
@@MonikaDaddarwal ahh this is so sweet!!! same goes for you! 💓
@@mbrunnen04 thanks love.:)🩷
Born again virgin bullshit after you’ve been ran through doesn’t work just pure cope
Kudos for making this video! As I've grown older (adult) and started stepping out of the comfort zone and getting a more deep idea about the society, one of the main things I noticed over last years was this endless hookup culture. It really bothered me a lot when I didn't like this hookup culture and to see that I am mostly alone in this perspective as it's widely displayed over social media. And this video and seeing all the comments reminded me that I'm not alone! I always saw 'sex' as a thing that should be used cautiously and if our last took power over us, then it will be nothing but a headache to our almost every other day to day work. Also I love the fact that you made sure to mention that it's only your personal opinion. My respect for you and your channel gets increased day by day. Keep it up Lana 😊
Hookup culture doesnt really exist for the majority of men. It exists for a small percentage of men that women actually feel attracted to.
I'm happy to see so many fellow males here that also share a negative view on hookup culture. For me personally I'm really looking for a long-term commited relationship. I don't want to hookup with random girls, because I know it will make me feel sad and alone. Really I'm just looking for a connection with another person and that is something hookup culture can't give. Most other people find it weird that I'm not hooking up with girls and kinda make fun of it. Joking about that I don't have the social skills to get a girl und things like that
Thank you Lana for making this video, and also happy to see so many men in the comment section being vulnerable with their thoughts and feelings about the topic!❤
We need girls like Lana to speak up openly on such topics !
You provided an awesome light!
thank you for making this, Lana. there is really a grim lack of knowledge and awareness on this. wish people(mostly women, but also men) understood the consequences before bearing them. will try to do my fair share of raising awareness on this.
I'm a married Gen X-er who could never understand hook-up culture when I experienced it in the 90s and 2000s. It's nothing new, and it existed prior to these horrid dating apps. I was pretty picky with partners and tended to friend zone women a lot, many who later expressed desire to sleep with me even within confines of relationships with another man. It really bothered me to the point that I was terrified of being in a relationship with a woman who could "step out" on me as these girls were willing to. Either way, I was always happy that my BC was quite low and that most of the experiences I had were quite meaningful with people that had a special place in my life.
True because porn and hook up culture is trying to makes us feel like sex objects! Only sex toys are the objects so yeah we should be mindful I'm glad I'm not confused with this!
I don’t know how but I feel like I missed out on a lot of dating experience so I’m clueless about so much. Even though hook ups seem so normalized, I still don’t see how sex can be just casual since to me it seems like a step in a relationship. No judgement to anyone that partakes in hookup culture though, to each their own
I find it interesting, when a writer claims that it hurts men (too) but not as immediate or as obviously. Because for years, men have been talking about the harmful effects of hookup culture for men with a parallel to porn. Whenever hookup culture was discussed and its effect on women, you were labeled as "you must want to go back to 1950" or "this is just part of the sexual revolution for women".
Heck, the damage of porn and hookup culture is pretty much only talked about on how "men view women" and how "men watching porn helps objectifying women". So, from a male to female effect perspective, instead of an introspective. However, discussion of this on women, is mostly introspective. How it affects her self esteem, her self worth, her lack of orgasms, etc. While if you were to mention that a woman participating in hookup culture and accumulating over 50 sex partners, reduces her loyalty and strength to a relationship - you "just want women back in the kitchen".
So; 1) How male hookup culture affects women. 2) How female hookup culture affects themselves.
Sexual revolutionists and Feminists suppress the perspective of how women affect men in hookup culture, and they judge men for all of it. So, I don't accept the writer's initial view.
Porn is a wayyyy bigger issue for men, but apparently only women's issues are important
You're doing the right thing by repeating the disadvantages of hookup culture, thanks Lana!
I think this has to be repeated again and again so that finally we as non hookup fans just feel self confident enough to live our non hookup lifestyle without any self doubts although the rest of the world is telling us the opposite.
And I say this as a man ...
Honestly my last two dates had bodycounts from 32- over 50 !! Siriously, when I want to marry a girl I am searching someone who is committed to stay in a relationship… especially when it comes to marrying. I don’t want to lose 50% of everything because I then became number 51. the chance of a breakup will go up with ever partnership she had. It doesn’t mean she gets EXPERIENCE… she isn’t able to hold up a healthy relationship or intimacy is something like a handshake to her. Top percent man want a honorable wife not a who…
I would never think of a girl as a wife material even if she has done make out before marriage. Remaining virgin till marriage and waiting for right partner is the bare minimum.
layed it! I agree!
I never understood the hookup culture. When I was in high school my friends were hooking up left and right, I never did. I have only been with one person (I’m almost 49); I can’t say the same for my wife. I have always felt that the people that are hooking up are the people that have a hard time being alone, have no hobbies or long term goals in life. As a man I don’t really have “feelings” in general, so I don’t understand the concept of “getting close to someone” by having sex with them.
Hook-up culture (particularly the online flavour) is potentially unsafe: physically, financially and mentally. But the risk is apparently an important element of the attraction for many.
Casual sex doesn’t exist because sex cannot be casual. If you claim that it can you are lying to yourself to justify your own bad/regrettable behavior. I was raised by parents and grew up around people who viewed sex as an extremely personal thing that should not be treated as a sport, but as the most intimate bonding act anyone will ever experience. Hookup culture also promotes high risk behaviors that emphasize short term pleasure, a concept that screams “bad idea” louder than a bull horn. People should be encouraged not to engage in it, as no one ends up benefiting 😢
I’ve never been into it either. The few one night stands I’ve had just made me think… what was the point of that!
I loved how you approached this so, so much! Thank you for sharing. And I agree so much with your views on this. Immediately ordered the book :)
Very interesting Lana! I like that you respect both decisions and only express your personal point of view. I liked the video. Thank you
Finally content that resonates with my values and life currently!
I don’t know how your channel popped up in my feed, but I am actually pretty grateful for this content you share. I’m always seeking guidance and this was much needed. I was pretty good about not being apart of the hook up culture for much of my whole life up until the years of 2018-2022, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t regret some of those careless years of not giving a you know what! As of the year 2024 I’ve decided to become celibate which a lot of people joke about it to me because I’m a male, but I feel much better compared to the previous years before. Spiritually I’m healing myself right now, mentally I’m exercising a better mindset, and then physically I’m staying active with fitness and outdoor activities and being there for my parents and pets.
Sex is a dangerous game that is played around so carelessly in these crazy times. It’s going to be a long time before I pursue a woman again until I know the right one comes along my path because I do have a BIG HEART that gets played with quite often. And the last thing I need is for it to turn stone cold.
Lanas backkk! So glad you are uploading consistentlyyy!
I once had a steady hook up buddy in college and it was a positive experience! Part of what made it worked was because I knew who I was and what I wanted. Plus,
I am someone who generally appreciates sex on its own. I didn’t engage in sex outside of a relationship because “everyone else was”. Eventually, I did end it because I felt it was no longer serving me, I was entering a new stage in life and I wanted to invest my time and energy into something long term. But for a bit, that person and the arrangement we had was what I needed and I’m grateful for it. I think a lot of people demonize casual sex when it’s their own fault for not understanding what they want and following who they are and jumping on the bandwagon of something is not for them. I don’t think we should shame women who enjoy sex.
Cognitive Dissonance at its finest
I had a similar positive experience with a hook up buddy. In fact we had better sex than I've had in more "serious" long term relationships. I don't get this idea some people have that sex is always better if you're married or in a committed relationship. What determines if the sex is good is if the people have chemistry, not the relationship status.
@@cestmoi2497 chemistry is formed and the bond between two people is solidified even more during a long term relationship.
What you experienced could have been even better had you also been in a meaningful loving relationship with that gentleman as well, rather than just hooking up when it's convenient.
I'm a woman who has hooked up and I enjoyed it and don't regret it. I did it because it's what I wanted, not to fit in. In fact I was actually shamed for it.
That's totally fine if hookup culture isn't for you, and I don't think people should be shamed for not wanting to participate in it. However, can we also not shame those who do? Why can't we just accept that people have different needs and values and that everyone should do what's best for them?
As long as they're consenting adults it's really nobody else's business.
I am a happily married man and have been with the same woman for almost 18 years. Before I met my wife I travelled the world surfing, hiking and immersing myself into different cultures. I avoided the party scenes and was very shy when it came to women. On the rare occasion I could hook up I wouldn’t. I felt like I needed to know a person really well beforehand. My male friends thought I was crazy. Sex is very sacred to me and the energy exchanged is a powerful thing. I look back on my youth and am proud of my decisions. I followed my passions and allowed myself to mature into the man I am today.
Guys that just want to hook up come off as psychos. I told this one guy that I’m on my period and he said “I can put on a condom.” I told him I’m cramping and he said “alright.” Like what? No sympathy there whatsoever and it’s complete turn off when they act like that. Not to mention the amount of ghosting that happens with these kind of guys.
lol
The only guys participating in hookup culture are the same 20% every women wants. It’s a small number of guys sleeping with most women today. The bottom 80% of guys get very little to no sex whatsoever. I’ve been single for 3 and half years only a handful of dates and no hookups despite trying 9 different dating apps. I’ve officially retired from dating it’s pure bullshit. Enjoy those std ladies 😂
The fact that 90% of women in hookup culture do not climax... ouch, please, my sisters, get out of there if it doesn't bring you anything positive, you deserve that pleasure you want and without any safety risks. It's not empowering if he doesn't care about your orgasm or if you feel like you need to moan until he finishes... it's not fair, you both should enjoy!
Your value is already in you, not in how many men find you attractive enough :)
I think as a society we need to stop acting as if having big feelings and wanting love is dumb and weak, I literally have never met a stronger person that those who dare to show their feelings and care about others.
Personally I don't think that hectic non stop no control careless hookups are good for either men or women, it can lead to them feeling hollow, used, numb and even lonely when that person leaves and won't contact until they want more sex. After all they are not objects, they are human beings. Some emotional responsabilty should be the norm even in casual encounters.
I want a real relationship before I want sex, so I won't participate in hookups basically for safety and emotional reasons, I need the loyalty, the respect, the deep conversations to feel confortable enough. But hey, I'm not shaming that 10% who are having fun, go for it safely! I'm just talking to the majority of girls who don't enjoy it, probably you need something else and that's valid and it doesn't make you any less of an empowered woman.
Isn't it weird how, if you pick just ONE book to read about a topic, and the title of that book is basically "That Opinion You Hold? It's Totally True!", you'll find a lot of evidence for the opinion you hold and virtually NOTHING that might make you question what you already think?
Not only does this vlogger openly admit to confirmation bias with her thin research, but she doesn't even pick a legitimate source to quote from. Louise Perry, her only author for this piece, is not a psychologist, a sexologist, a researcher, an anthropologist, a historian, a relationship expert, or ANYTHING that might give her credibility regarding casual dating--she's a journalist. Admittedly, she was one a staffer at a rape-crisis center in England, but that's a far cry from being an expert on women or sexual assault, much less an expert on human sexuality and dating. And, despite often being pegged as "left-leaning," Louise Perry actually promotes a LOT of right-wing talking points, which she backs up, it at all, with cherry-picked statistics and historical untruths.
So as not to bury the lead here, let's start with a BIG one: Perry has said in print that that all trans lesbians are actually just male "autogynephilias"--fetishists who don't believe they are women at all, but just get off sexually on the thought of being a woman--and that this the COMMON understanding in the field of sexology!
Of course, a quick Google search shows that this is not the common consensus among any scientists in any field--it's a fringe theory espoused by a guy named Ray Blanchard back in the 1980s, one that has been refuted in many studies and papers by more objective scientists. This theory is popular only among TERFs, and many other trans-hating, holocaust-denying bigots that Perry pals around with. Can we trust Perry to write up honest statistics about dating in her own book, then, when she has already been printing big, bold lies about scientific statistics in print for several years now?
And that's not all! Perry believes abortion is as morally wrong as infanticide. She believes that Christianity was the origin of true feminism. She thinks people in committed relationships should not be allowed to watch porn or read Fifty Shades of Grey. She believes masculinity and femininity are innate, and that society is becoming feminized, which will lead women who aren't gay to start relationships with other women out of sheer power-dynamics CONFUSION! She thinks that choke-play during sex is an epidemic of violence just shy of street attacks, and that the 58 women in a college study who admitted to having done choke play are all traumatized victims who only PRETEND to think it wasn't a big deal, or even fun, because they have Stockholm Syndrome.
She also thinks T.S. Eliot, a known anti-Semite who called Booker T. Washington a "N*****," is a role-model for moral lifestyles--though maybe this is just a case of game recognizing game, since she has written equally racist articles in the past condemning immigration into the U.K. She specifically wants us to put tight limits on immigrants from Muslim countries, because CLEARLY the past shows that immigrants never TRULY assimilate, they just continue to practice their own cultures! And since Muslim culture is clearly just violence and terrorism with a few Arabic words thrown in, she insinuates that the streets of Colchester and Slough will soon run red with the blood of Jews and Christians!
And there's a whole lot more, because I don't even have TIME to get into how Louise Perry is a non-believing agnostic who argues that Christianity's disappearance is a tragedy that will return us to a "pagan" society that legalizes euthanasia for depressed people, and how Christianity is the only religion to ever end slavery, and... god, it's all too much! Lana, if you're reading this, maybe you should find some authors who aren't trying to pass off their quasi-religious conservatism as solid dating advice? I'm sure there is some basis for the idea that women like casual hookups less than men, but if you want actual proof, try a broader range of sources, including maybe some actual scientific papers!
As a man who was very promiscuous before getting married, while it was “fun”, its effects are like a drug. The novelty of new dates, new women, new experiences. It sets a bar that is very difficult for the consistency and security of marriage to meet. My wife is my best friend and I adore her, and my past gave me a lot of experiences and comparators that it’s not fair to hold her to.
For me, hookup culture is like a merry go round that’s only fun if you keep riding it. Once you get off and look at what it was, it’s a combination of guilt and an unfortunate little voice that will always be telling you to get back on. If you just want to keep riding then c’est la vie. But as a married man, it’s an awful thing to carry.
Sex...what's that?
Exactly.
I order love, intimacy. Sex is with your hand.
Something the animals created to reproduce! You know you can astraly project and have sex with another spirit like your partner but in the astral realm??? It was said by Druunvalo Melchizedek in some documentary!
Great points, One lesson I can learn from this is to stick with what I feel is right as oppose to others telling me how to live my life.. Though I don't have much hooking up apart of my life I'll also take the patience route as you said just because everyone is doing it doesn't mean it is right.. I'm determined to find my way..
On top of society positively viewing male promiscuity and hook-up culture, we men also deal with a competitive environment in which we count our sexual "conquests" with terms like "lay count". Especially for men who don't "get around" or get rejected by most women (80% according to dating apps), we men can take these numbers very seriously, further encouraging one another to objectify others. So even if men identify as more sexually promiscuous, that doesn't necessarily mean they get around or even have had one-night stands. In fact, as per the "sexless male epidemic", most men today are NOT having sex due to the aforementioned "pickiness" of women or focus on monogamy and long-term relationships. So while the numbers mentioned in this book do point to men being more open to hook-ups, the reality is that most of these men actually don't hook up at all -- ironically because they don't present values women seek that would identify them as long-term suitors.
Cheap thrills mean nothing...when you have a need for love.
Respect…For speaking your truth and sharing your wisdom. This is rather an unpopular stance to take because hookup culture is often associated with owning sexual autonomy & sexual liberation, and therefore, promoted as empowering. Popular internet personalities like Alexandra Cooper from the “Call Her Daddy” podcast, Amber Rose, and Kazumi will pawn the idea off to fellow women as being positive, without so much as a second thought as to how it actually impacts the involved individuals spiritually or emotionally, or even society as a whole. Even better, unlike myself, you speak from a place of non-judgement, which I think is easier for others to receive. Great post.
i am 35 years old and a virgin. Being a man it is tough to stay away from hookup culture. But one of the main reason that i did not indulge in this due to having strong values and principles that guides you every single day. Here`s hoping to get married soon with someone that has same values as me.
I've been using dating apps for that reason alone for over 6 years. I don't think I could ever be in a committed relationship with a woman
I've always felt the same way you did, and I believe I'm older than you, so it's been a longer journey of abstinence for me. Casual hookups is just an alien concept to me.
Thank you SO MUCH for this!
You uploaded this too soon but that's fine. I never joined the cult of the hookup culture. Whenever someone tells me to participate in sexual intercourse, I get turned off instantly and lose interest. Sex is a taboo subject for me. It's hard to admit that I might be asexual. Because your videos revolve around relationships more than ever, I don't have much to say. You teach me how relationships work, allowing me to fill in the blanks in my knowledge caused by my ignorance.
I’ve found that casual encounters are not trivial if both parties are clear on expectations. I’ve always found something to love and learn about the women I’ve known. That said, my long term relationships outnumber the brief encounters for a reason.
thank you for this perspective
I am glad that you are being true to yourself, Lana!
I think it is important for all genders when considering participating in hookup culture, to first consider (if they are eventually looking to settle down with one person) how their present actions may impact that future relationship. Exhibit the morals and standards you are looking for. If you don't want your future partner so have had many previous intimate relations, you should try to hold yourself to that same standard.
For me this is obvious that hoopup culture is also hurting men. Incels, red pills, all the lonely, depressed men are the children of the hookup culture. If people are encouraged to form stable relationships then men and women on similiar level of attractiveness pair with each other. But when the trend is to be single and have meaningless sex adventures then the most attractive men gets all the ladies.
I may be the exception of the rule, but I am agains casual sex and I wish for a lifelong loving relationship, but I have no hope I could ever get that.
Your way is best I believe. So many, particularly young women, end up in counselling because of many casual sex encounters. As a man of advanced years and experience I know the endless persuit of meaningless sex caused nothing but heartache and reduced self esteem. For women it is I think worse. It's an empty box at the end of the day. Unfortunately my generation, like this one, was under pressure to do this stuff, along with all the drugs and other life wrecking nonsense. Love and flowers to all❤
Hey lana, hope you're doing good but i just wanna say that your recent videos are just around one topic you know... I loved your video before like that one video "how to care less" or "other " self helping video which btw i have like seen hundred times,i just wanna say that you might have changed and it's okay but i loved your previous videos, i hope you make more of them...as they are inspiring and helpful for both adults and teenager
I couldn’t bring myself to even kiss someone outside of a relationship, even when I wanted to. Guess it’s in my DNA to be boring and a prude 🤷🏻♀️.
im not surprised by seeing this type of messages underrated 🙁
Truth, justice and the Lana Blakely way.
Thank you for speaking up! ❤️ I know it takes some courage, especially in today’s western society, where the freedom of expression starts to be more and more closed but in the other way around, if it makes sense…
Losing my virginity definitely made me more desperate for relationships like it triggered my depression even more. I do NOT recommend💯
Woamp woamp
When we reject guys who only want hookup but not real connection, they would say ‘girl will age. You’ll regret’. 😢Even tho there’re lots of things we’ll regret not doing, the opportunity cost of having casual sex is much higher than the benefits I’ll regret if I do it
I almost thought all westerners kind of worship hook-up culture. Your words just strengthen my faith in Islam more and more.
Beautiful ❤ nonjudgemental, educated, and clear.
I was always the guy who went home alone from the bar, even when I spent half the night talking to a cute girl, wouldn't hook up with anyone at a party, even though there was a girl there who I was interested in, and would regularly have dates end with us going home separately.
The difference is that none of those results were my choice or what I wanted. I'd try to bring the girl I'd spent hours talking with at the bar home, suggest to the girl at the party that we go back to my place, and usually went home alone from dates because I got stood up.
When you're not a part of hook-up culture not because you don't want to be, but because you aren't allowed to be, it's kinda like hearing someone who was born into a rich family talk about how money isn't important.
Keep in mind, I wanted to and TRIED to actually find someone I could fall in love with for many years. But after nothing but rejection, I finally decided that meaningless hookups were better than nothing...but apparently I couldn't have that either.
I feel like hooking up will be like a drug, chasing another high and eventually you’ll crash.
I'm 16 and never been in a relationship but it feels like this vid save a part of me.
You have arrived to this in perfect time.
If you’re a girl you don’t lose anything with hookup culture.
If you’re a boy just tell the first love of your life that you had at least another woman before so that you aren’t judged for lack of experience.
Wait till your are 18-19 when You can decide, i did that, IT was cool. My first was special, because i wanted, not thr guy❤. Hugs
90% of women prefer and desire a committed relationship.
Women are also pickier, they reject most of the advances from most men (some we assume would commit)
Translation: Women desire committed relationship from Chad alone, but Chad don't care cause he already on to the next girl by the time you end reading this comment.
I think, if women in majority want commited relationships, but don't have that, then that would mean they are scared or hindered in some way. Whatever a person chooses to do or not to do, it comes back to oneself. So that is the sad part for me - women want relationships, but nontheless do those hookups. So it does not align either way.
Lana, you are awesome and always take a valuable content. Thank you.
life is a book held by what seems. but not all at one time. for love heals what scene visit the spirit
Lana, forgets that the ultimate thesis of the book is: Marriage = Good. Which is incredibly reductive. Perry cherrypicks the negative anecdotes of hook up culture to make marriage look like the only option. Sadly, its not. There are a billion anecdotes in India alone of pre-arranged marriages demonstrating how toxic marriage has always been. We don't even have to focus on a particular culture. Marriage came into existence as a form of bartering to get hold of valuable land. Infamously, Alice Kytyler in the Irish town of Kilkenny was branded a witch, because her men appeared to die as soon was they were married. In reality, they died of natural causes, but because she was acquiring more land than any nobelman in the area, jealousy was setting in among some men in Kilkenny society and they saw an opportunity to 'cancel' her. Just because marriage seems normal does not mean it is the only way to navigate life. Woman have and will continue to be viciously abused under the guise of marriage. No culturally exceptable system is perfect. We can cherrypick from here to kingdom come, but we will always find some women who despise marraige and those, like Lana, who will finds books by right-wing women, who have a particular opinion and cherrypick the data to suit their opinion. Hook-up culture (Left Wing) is not for everyone, but marriage (Right Wing) is not for everyone either.
When you marry the wrong one that is not compatible to you - yes than marriage is toxic. But when you know your boundaries and values and say no to disrespect until someone truely matches your values and respects boundaries than marriage is a path for growth- emotionally, mentally..
I am close to 50 and thought hookups diminishes what sex is meant to be in a relationship.
To me, the hookup culture not only gets you to violate your own body but also your mind. Who you sleep with reveals a lot about who you are as a person. Physical closeness should be a result of emotional nearness.
I think girls are more likely to say they don’t like it and guys more likely to say they enjoy it because it is considered socially excepted that way. So they feel pressured to say that not how that they actually feel. I can’t understand the need for hook up culture and I’m not ashamed to say it to those around me but yes each to their own.
Everything's got a good and bad side Lana! Maybe you can experience it yourself and give it a try and then decide on the pros and cons. The negative sides are obvious but it does have a few positives.
Omg. Omg. Had the exact same thoughts after reading the book.
I find your videos very calming ❤
Conservative and modesty must be the norm. Anything else is stupidity.
And if you obey most of those upon the earth, they will mislead you from the way of Allāh. They follow not except assumption, and they are not but misjudging. 6:116
Your body is your temple it is precious and you shouldn't allow everyone in and out of it ❤
Thank you Lana ❤
Great video Lana! Definitely on point. There is one more way to understand these observations: Women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of relationships. Women seek commitment in men while men seek sex.
A man would never approach a woman if he feels that she won't allow him to build a family. Likewise a woman would never allow a man if she feels that he won't commit.
There are some exceptions though and these are simply due to unhealthy or immature personality. If a girl doesn't want to have a relationship with a guy, the best course of action is to leave her. But some men decide to gift commitment and resources in the hope that the women might finally change her mind.
Similarly, when a man doesn't want to commit to a woman, some women might offer casual sex to keep him around and gain his commitment. But just like women can be unmoved by a man's reckless spending on them, men too can be unmoved by a women's reckless sex offerings. Infact in both cases, the boy or the girl ends up being used without receiving what they really desired in the first place.
So casual sex is nothing but a desperate act from women to gain a man's commitment. If a girl is truly great, she won't need to offer casual sex to attract a guy.
Never been a fan of that gatekeeper saying. It defies common sense because both people have gates to open for both sex and relationships. Both people have to agree to both things. To believe different is a very limiting belief. Its like taking your own power away from what you don't believe you are a gatekeeper of. The person that came up with that saying is most likely a man that had trouble with attracting a woman he really liked and kept attracting women he didn't like. All of us men have been there before, but that guy just came to the wrong conclusion. He validated his experience as an unchangeable reality rather than to look into the fact that he might have been doing something wrong.
@@Leoo117 Huh I don't think that you understood this saying well. Let's see it in other manner. Suppose a man got the opportunity to have infinite sex, would he gatekeep sex. Likewise if a woman has got the oppurtunity to infinite provision/commitment, would she gatekeep it. Most of them would simply exploit the other person to their end and provide nothing simply cuz it's all they want. Now if you want, you can replace commitment and sex with masculinity and feminity. Men don't need masculinity from their women in the same sense that women don't need feminity from their men. It's just so happens that commitment and sex have the most impact on masculinity and feminity.
@syedsaad4160 I don't know about that man. If a man had an option for infinite sex, and some of them do, it would be dependent on his own integrity and self-respect that determines if he acts like an animal or a self-respecting human being with boundaries and be very picky with his choice. So a good man won't just give anyone the key to his gate. Same with a woman. A self-respecting woman with all the stuff in the world with many commitment options, which many also have, won't commit to just any person and will be extremely picky and not give just anyone her key either. Granted, there are many people without integrity that will take advantage of others, but those types of people are the ones to avoid anyway.
I think it's more about knowing we all have the power to get what we want, but if we come to believe that only the opposite sex has this certain ability to give us a certain thing, it can put us in a desperate mindset and make us less attractive.
And I believe masculinity and femininity are all about our behavior, not just about allowing one another through our gates. For example, masculinity is about taking the lead, having goals, drive and purpose and making others around us feel safe. Whereas femininity is about bonding and connecting and receiving love, and focusing on relationships and stuff like that. So I can definitely see what you mean about masculinity and femininity, but there are a lot of broke dudes that get the woman they want, and there are many women that wait until marriage and have a man that really cares for them. That's why I believe masculinity and femininity are more about behavior.
@@Leoo117 I get you bro. Your comment is definitely true for normal relationships. But that's simply cuz in normal relationships there is an equal amount of give and take. Let's consider relationships wherein we only recieve and never have to give.
For females, this is like receiving infinite resources from men without giving sex in return. In this case she would keep exploiting men until they expect sex in return, in which case she must decide whether to keep receiving financial benefits from her men or not.
Similarly for men, this is like receiving infinite casual sex without giving any loyalty or financial resources in return. The men here would exploit their women, until they demand for marriage. Then the man must decide whether to stop receiving sex or to receive it whilst giving women their desired level of commitment.
Now I get your other examples too. Even women want and like sex. Masculinity and feminity consist of multiple qualities. Part of masculinity is providing the sperm. However this is so easy for women to attain that it doesn't hold a lot of value. What's hardest however is to get the man to agree for marriage as it involves a lot of commitment. So the gatekeeping saying is not perfect, but it works well in most instances.
Lastly some broke dudes are able to get women simply because they embody the potential to be a great man. I don't recommend the fake it till you make it approach as women are good at identifying what's fake and what isn't. But they can see the potential too which is why some of them stick around.