Beautiful. I particularly like "I want you to treat your partner as good as you treat your dog." Good attention grabber and so true. Get their attention. Ask for what you want. Teach them what that looks like. Reinforce their success. Ask "What can I do to make it easier for you to keep being successful at this?" So good!
I loved this, Terry! It was so clear, so concise, so easy to give to my clients. I teach a lot of these ideas already, but some of your mottos are priceless: 1) Criticism is the worst behavior modification strategy ever; 2) Don't sell past the sale; 3) Dare to take "Yes" for an answer! Thanks for sharing your wisdom & humor
So great! I feel like my great wise sage uncle with a doctorate degree was giving me some super sound advice and guidance. Much needed. Thank you for this content. I pray you gain more subscribers for your straight forward and actionable steps in relationships
Terry, I love how you help us see how we can misname behavior as "accepting" when it's really "settling" and then provide the tools for converting complaining into requesting with clear next steps of how to reinforce the good behavior. Brief, clear, simple and user-friendly.
First of all, you are so right on target as usual. As the woman doing all the things you suggested it's not a good idea to do, I really heard you and so appreciate your direct, no-nonsense approach. You are the coach we always needed. We're getting it now, thanks to you.
This was good Terry, My challenge has been to be real, express myself openly and honestly while supporting others to express themselves fully and freely in an atmosphere of acceptance and allowance
Yes, that is a challenge many face. Being real or authentic when we are in the "Whoosh" (Trigger) can be tough. I'm sure with your focus on this that you've made great progress!
This is simple, straightforward gold. I shared it with someone dear to me and she said, "I wish I had known this years ago". These strategies help to hone the critical functional skills that all humans need.
Terry, I so agree with this having been in painful relationships where I was, yes, afraid to rock the boat. You rock and I will let my future partner he does to!
Great stuff Terry. It just summarized our dynamic and how to get ourselves out of this endless loop of hurting each other by not being skillful at building on solid principles of relating well. These three steps are golden--they are positive and full of compassion for the other, just what I needed to hear and now start to practise. When I celebrate what's right, I am empowered to fix what's wrong.
So wonderful Sean. Thank you for sharing that and for so clearly identifying your situation. Let us know if you'd like and deeper support with your next steps.
I really love the way you notice how when the partner takes a step towards a better behavior, the 'aggrieved other' will tend to say, instead of 'yay,' 'where has that been all this time,' or 'you're only doing it b/c...', etc. I totally relate, and i think it's because when the longed for event happens, it uncovers the pain of many disappointments, and that often is languaged as resentment or suspicion. For me, that was the germ of where the relational challenge is. If you look at it further, it's kind of funny, b/c you are asking mainly women to 'step up' - to do the asking (which they already have done), to do the languaging of approval and support when the spouse gives an inch, and to tamp down the natural hurt that is the truth living in them, a cancer recipe that one. So...yeah, pick your poison.
Hi Kathryn, this is Wil, I help Terry on social media and am also in his Certification training. I think the part that may be distinct in the video from Terry from what you described is in step 1: Dare to rock the boat. This is different from asking again, the same way that you've asked before. This is bold. This is "If something doesn't change here, you're going to feel it." This is truly rocking the boat, not just making another request. Then, if you are truly willing to rock the boat, you've "Stepped up" as you put it, and there is still nothing coming back. We would really recommend getting in to see an RLT Therapist. A bit part of RLT is getting the Grandiose partner (The one that is One Up) to come down off their high horse, and get back into relationship. Let me know if any of that helps, resonates, or doesn't connect at all! Wil
The problem I have had with my husband (also named Terry) is this: He doesn't want to "be something I am not." From the moment we were married he bristles when I have asked him to "be someone he is not." Even when I preface it as a favor for me. For example, I have asked him to play with my hair (for decades!) or give me a massage when we are intimate and he won't because it's a directive. He views it as an indictment on how he performs or something along those lines. It's been a bit crazy making to be honest. What can I do here. It feels like a lose-lose rather than a win-win.
There's a bit here but a couple of things come to mind. In brief, Terry Real calls that the Popeye defence. 'I am what I am'. One (cheeky) question for your Terry that comes to mind is 'would being generous and cherishing to you, make him someone who he wants to be, or someone who he's not interested in being?" Might help to get the truth on the table. Also, there's a difference between a request or invitation, and a directive or demand. In "The New Rules of Marriage" and his latest book/audio he goes through this in more detail
@@insightretreats4702 Thank you for your generous reply. After watching Terry's Fierce Intimacy (among other resources) I'm happy to report my Terry (husband) is realizing exactly this, that the person he was forcing protecting was in actuality not serving him well. It's as if a lightbulb went off. Granted, it's not rainbows and unicorns over here but I am beginning to see the light. Thank you again. We are digging Terry Real!
Hi Karen, this is Wil, I help Terry with communications and I'm also in his Certification program. First I just want to acknowledge how hard that must be. To keep asking, clearly, and to be dismissed. That is really a hard place to be> In other places Terry talks about the difference between an invitation, a request, and a demand. An invitation has no attachement. "Hey, could you pick up your socks?" (My wife has asked me personally!) Sure, no problem. A Request has more umph to it. That sounds like what you've been making. Its a favour to you that you really want. The next level is Demand. In a healthy relationship there are almost no demands. But sometimes they are called for. A demand has a consequence. I applied this with my 5 year old. I realized that almost nothing I asked "Clean up your room" was an invitation. They were almost all demands. Everything had a consequence. So i had to shift and get more into "Why might she want to say yes? How can i soften, make this fun, make this truly invitational?" It sounds like your journey might be going in the other directly. Does any of that resonate for you? How does that sit when you read it?
@@realterryreal Thank you Wil. Yes, I understand what you are saying. It's an ego thing for my husband. That said, he is trying much harder and things are going better. It would be very easy for me to roll over on a lot to things, simply because he is trying and I so appreciate him not giving up on us. I am at a point in my life where I don't want to roll over, in part because I have conceded for too long. So there's that resentment I'm trying to tame. But overall I think we are heading in a healthier direction. Demands definite don't work. Thank you.
Very similar situation: having to ask to hold arms around me when it's cold (he's cold himself so he rejects it- the logic :/), asking him to scrub my back when I take a bath (he doesn't like doing that, yet has no problem with going down on me for hours), or play with my hair or give me a massage is a struggle. Yet he obviously loves and cares in many other aspects. But these things are so important to me and make me feel so hurt and rejected when he denies these requests
Hi Barbara, this is Wil, I help Terry on Social media communications and I'm also in his Certification Program. If this is you we are talking about, that is a tough thing to make suggestions about over social media or even email. Have you reached out to an RLT Therapist to see with your partner? There are a million things I could suggest in a comment like this. But seeing a specialist will be much better in the long run. Warmly Wil
![Relationship Experts Answer Your Questions [Real Talk Episode 4]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/6rSt65EdrD0/mqdefault.jpg)
![Relationship Experts Answer Your Questions [Real Talk Episode 4]](/img/tr.png)
Beautiful. I particularly like "I want you to treat your partner as good as you treat your dog." Good attention grabber and so true. Get their attention. Ask for what you want. Teach them what that looks like. Reinforce their success. Ask "What can I do to make it easier for you to keep being successful at this?" So good!
I loved this, Terry! It was so clear, so concise, so easy to give to my clients. I teach a lot of these ideas already, but some of your mottos are priceless: 1) Criticism is the worst behavior modification strategy ever; 2) Don't sell past the sale; 3) Dare to take "Yes" for an answer! Thanks for sharing your wisdom & humor
Thank you so much for the support and for doing the great work you are doing!
thank you Terry Real... sounds good I'll try it 🎨
So great! I feel like my great wise sage uncle with a doctorate degree was giving me some super sound advice and guidance. Much needed. Thank you for this content. I pray you gain more subscribers for your straight forward and actionable steps in relationships
Terry, I love how you help us see how we can misname behavior as "accepting" when it's really "settling" and then provide the tools for converting complaining into requesting with clear next steps of how to reinforce the good behavior. Brief, clear, simple and user-friendly.
Excellent, super concise and powerful "to do" teaching!
Thank you! Sound advice! I will try this with my fiancé
First of all, you are so right on target as usual. As the woman doing all the things you suggested it's not a good idea to do, I really heard you and so appreciate your direct, no-nonsense approach. You are the coach we always needed. We're getting it now, thanks to you.
This was good Terry, My challenge has been to be real, express myself openly and honestly while supporting others to express themselves fully and freely in an atmosphere of acceptance and allowance
Yes, that is a challenge many face. Being real or authentic when we are in the "Whoosh" (Trigger) can be tough. I'm sure with your focus on this that you've made great progress!
This is simple, straightforward gold. I shared it with someone dear to me and she said, "I wish I had known this years ago". These strategies help to hone the critical functional skills that all humans need.
So touched. Thank you so much for sharing!
Terry, I so agree with this having been in painful relationships where I was, yes, afraid to rock the boat. You rock and I will let my future partner he does to!
Reward is a great reminder! Thanks for that …
This is great, Terry! I'll definitely try it.
Love your videos, Terry! Thanks for sharing your wisdom!
Great stuff Terry. It just summarized our dynamic and how to get ourselves out of this endless loop of hurting each other by not being skillful at building on solid principles of relating well. These three steps are golden--they are positive and full of compassion for the other, just what I needed to hear and now start to practise. When I celebrate what's right, I am empowered to fix what's wrong.
So wonderful Sean. Thank you for sharing that and for so clearly identifying your situation. Let us know if you'd like and deeper support with your next steps.
Thank you!!!!!❤
Bravissimo! Excellent behavior modification. and one can apply it in any relationship.
Thank you for the good advice :)
Excellent suggestions and advice!
Terry I love your approach, and it works. I read your book fierce intimacy and it's a game changer.
Thank you for the support! Would love to hear your thoughts about my latest book too.
I really love the way you notice how when the partner takes a step towards a better behavior, the 'aggrieved other' will tend to say, instead of 'yay,' 'where has that been all this time,' or 'you're only doing it b/c...', etc. I totally relate, and i think it's because when the longed for event happens, it uncovers the pain of many disappointments, and that often is languaged as resentment or suspicion. For me, that was the germ of where the relational challenge is. If you look at it further, it's kind of funny, b/c you are asking mainly women to 'step up' - to do the asking (which they already have done), to do the languaging of approval and support when the spouse gives an inch, and to tamp down the natural hurt that is the truth living in them, a cancer recipe that one. So...yeah, pick your poison.
Hi Kathryn, this is Wil, I help Terry on social media and am also in his Certification training. I think the part that may be distinct in the video from Terry from what you described is in step 1: Dare to rock the boat. This is different from asking again, the same way that you've asked before. This is bold. This is "If something doesn't change here, you're going to feel it." This is truly rocking the boat, not just making another request.
Then, if you are truly willing to rock the boat, you've "Stepped up" as you put it, and there is still nothing coming back. We would really recommend getting in to see an RLT Therapist. A bit part of RLT is getting the Grandiose partner (The one that is One Up) to come down off their high horse, and get back into relationship.
Let me know if any of that helps, resonates, or doesn't connect at all!
Wil
I love it, thank you very much
A better quality in our relationship can easily be an achievable goal!!! Τhank you so much for those steps😍
The problem I have had with my husband (also named Terry) is this: He doesn't want to "be something I am not." From the moment we were married he bristles when I have asked him to "be someone he is not." Even when I preface it as a favor for me. For example, I have asked him to play with my hair (for decades!) or give me a massage when we are intimate and he won't because it's a directive. He views it as an indictment on how he performs or something along those lines. It's been a bit crazy making to be honest. What can I do here. It feels like a lose-lose rather than a win-win.
There's a bit here but a couple of things come to mind. In brief, Terry Real calls that the Popeye defence. 'I am what I am'. One (cheeky) question for your Terry that comes to mind is 'would being generous and cherishing to you, make him someone who he wants to be, or someone who he's not interested in being?" Might help to get the truth on the table. Also, there's a difference between a request or invitation, and a directive or demand. In "The New Rules of Marriage" and his latest book/audio he goes through this in more detail
@@insightretreats4702 Thank you for your generous reply. After watching Terry's Fierce Intimacy (among other resources) I'm happy to report my Terry (husband) is realizing exactly this, that the person he was forcing protecting was in actuality not serving him well. It's as if a lightbulb went off. Granted, it's not rainbows and unicorns over here but I am beginning to see the light. Thank you again. We are digging Terry Real!
Hi Karen, this is Wil, I help Terry with communications and I'm also in his Certification program. First I just want to acknowledge how hard that must be. To keep asking, clearly, and to be dismissed. That is really a hard place to be>
In other places Terry talks about the difference between an invitation, a request, and a demand. An invitation has no attachement. "Hey, could you pick up your socks?" (My wife has asked me personally!) Sure, no problem. A Request has more umph to it. That sounds like what you've been making. Its a favour to you that you really want.
The next level is Demand. In a healthy relationship there are almost no demands. But sometimes they are called for. A demand has a consequence.
I applied this with my 5 year old. I realized that almost nothing I asked "Clean up your room" was an invitation. They were almost all demands. Everything had a consequence. So i had to shift and get more into "Why might she want to say yes? How can i soften, make this fun, make this truly invitational?"
It sounds like your journey might be going in the other directly.
Does any of that resonate for you? How does that sit when you read it?
@@realterryreal Thank you Wil. Yes, I understand what you are saying. It's an ego thing for my husband. That said, he is trying much harder and things are going better. It would be very easy for me to roll over on a lot to things, simply because he is trying and I so appreciate him not giving up on us. I am at a point in my life where I don't want to roll over, in part because I have conceded for too long. So there's that resentment I'm trying to tame. But overall I think we are heading in a healthier direction. Demands definite don't work. Thank you.
Very similar situation: having to ask to hold arms around me when it's cold (he's cold himself so he rejects it- the logic :/), asking him to scrub my back when I take a bath (he doesn't like doing that, yet has no problem with going down on me for hours), or play with my hair or give me a massage is a struggle. Yet he obviously loves and cares in many other aspects. But these things are so important to me and make me feel so hurt and rejected when he denies these requests
What if we have a compulsive criticizing structure, (inner super critic) and we are not able to stop it!!! How would you suggest to regulate it?????
Hi Barbara, this is Wil, I help Terry on Social media communications and I'm also in his Certification Program. If this is you we are talking about, that is a tough thing to make suggestions about over social media or even email. Have you reached out to an RLT Therapist to see with your partner?
There are a million things I could suggest in a comment like this. But seeing a specialist will be much better in the long run.
Warmly
Wil
This video is teaching how to get more of what you want in a relationship by being assertive and setting boundaries.
Should you put a deadline on things?
Why parents, girlfriends or guy friends are not sharing these tips with each other? This is revolutionary and so basic