Why do Most Relationships Fail? - The Myth of the Magical Other
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- Опубликовано: 26 сен 2024
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Sorry, but I normally "thumbs-down" videos on such topics even before watching them, because I am almost certain that they will contain "ADHARMIC" content.
I was definitely CORRECT in regards this video, Slave.
@@ReverendDr.Thomas Why do you say that the content is adharma? what is adharma about it? plz. explain?
On the contrary it could be said that many of what the broadcaster said in the video is old news as I knew all this prior to his announcements regarding relationships! not only do I hear it in public wherever I go but I also read about it too! insomuch that it is like proverbs or buzzwords even! "if you do not love yourself then no one will!" etcetera!
Hi Broadcaster! you spake about loneliness like as though it is a really inevitably good thing but a doctor namely Dr. Daniel said that loneliness is extremely unhealthy indeed and that it is even worse then smoking or alcohol intake: ruclips.net/video/7fQplunTzpo/видео.html
ruclips.net/video/sfOyu9YY3aY/видео.html
@@sonofgod1220
dharma:
a Sanskrit term (from the root “dhr-”, which means “to hold” or “to support”), for any human function or concept that is considered to be holy and righteous, based on the maxim “non-harm is the greatest law” or “non-violence is the epitome of religion” (“ahiṃsā paramo dharmaḥ”, in Sanskrit). The term “(moral) law” simply refers to how any voluntary, intentional human action contravenes the principle of avoiding harm to oneself, to another living creature, and avoiding undue harm to even the non-organic environment.
So, for example, since unnecessarily consuming any animal product is harmful to both the consumer and the exploited animal, it is considered to be unlawful (“adharma”, in Sanskrit). Therefore, it is a moral imperative for every human being to become VEGAN. Dharma also refers to societal duties. For example, as the current World Teacher Himself, it is the sacred duty of this author to teach the world how to live according to dharma itself (see Chapter 20), whereas the dharma of any (human) female, for example, is to serve her masters (that is, any adult male in her nuclear family, as well as any adult male within her extended family, clan or tribe).
Dharma is undoubtedly the most important concept of all, for a peaceful, successful and thriving society depends on adherence to the law. There is no assurance that anybody will become a self-realized sage by studying this “Dharmaśāstra” (law book), but at least one will understand life as it is, and be able to distinguish between holiness and wickedness, even if one refuses to accept the truths explicated here. That is the main reason why the lengthiest chapter of “A Final Instruction Sheet for Humanity” deals with morality.
"The search for love has replaced the search for God" that's really a strange statement. So in the past everyone only searched for God and not love? Like it's one or the other? lmao. What about all the sappy romantic poetry and literature over thousands of years? People have always searched for love, some have even walked and chewed gum at the same time and searched for God as well, even for a used car or a better job while doing those other two, that's like four things at once? Life's journeys and quests, who knew that everything in life doesn't have to conflict with every other thing?🥴
Your partner is not there to solve your problems, but to help you get through them together, we often forget this, which causes bitterness.
Perfectly said!
That would make your partner “the right one”…
Exactly
And your partner should always push you to be better than you are presently.
@@IrieRoguethe sad thing about wanting to point out others shortcomings so that they can "grow" is that you'll be full of resentment towards your partner thinking this way
Been married 26 years. And while I do love my wife, the more important thing is that I really really LIKE her. The way she moves in the world and amongst others, not always to her positive benefit, is a constant fascination to me. She is the most honest person I've ever met which in turn makes me want to be more honest in everything I do. It's an unburdensome way to live; without reference to how others see you other than as a completely honest person.
That’s sounds like the complete opposite of attending any religious institution congratulations man you’ve found true contentment
that's so wonderful, im so happy love like this exists!!i hope one day i can find someone who will like me as much as i like them!!
I love this so much ❤ I feel the same way about my husband. He makes me want to be the best I can, just by being unapologetically himself everyday.
You just admitted you like how naive she is, and how she doesn't know how to bargain for herself. Is that something to be proud about? Maybe if you're a low baller.
@@DiamondsRexpensive im genuinely confused, how did you get that impression from just one comment???
The hardest person to breakup with is the one we imagine.
Nice
😬
Then don't . Go find them.
Dang, that hit hard.
No man really ever knows who he's married to until he meets her for the first time in divorce court.
When i meet someone new to me that im attracted to i spend a lot of time projecting characteristics onto them which is plainly absurd since i barely know them
Mental 😂
Acting lovingly without the romantic aspect is what makes a lasting marriage. There is mutual admiration, respect and deep care for the other.
How does that differentiate the love itself from one you'd give a friend or family member then?
@@LizardOnAMushroom2358Love is love
@@LizardOnAMushroom2358It doesn't. And that sounds like a boring marriage.
@tangerinetangerine4400 because you've been promised am exciting life from the Capitalist propaganda machine and you are now a sense junkie 😅 a user.
@@LizardOnAMushroom2358it means you treat each other as humans in their own right with their own life, experiences and not use each other as the Capitalist agenda has brainwashed everyone. If you are using your mind then you'll be living the life others told you to live. You need the heart to speak as it never lies.
A while back my sister read me the quote “Don’t find someone you can live with, find someone you can’t live without.” I laughed and told her it is just the opposite!
i laughed too
Being needy is def a turn off.
My sister-in-law said she was glad my wife and I found 'Unconditional love'. We both had a good laugh at that comment!
My grandmother used to quote it the correct way around. She had a realistic view of romantic love!
She probably meant the same thing you said.
You must love in such a way that the other person feels free.
That's a really nice way to put it. I like that.
That is awesome
That sounds like being a cuckold
When quoting someone else’s words, please also give the name of the author. This was originally said by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese monk.
Well something is wrong then because nearly every single one of my male friends is secretly longing to be freed from their partner. They can’t however because they are bound by something. Sometimes it’s financial and somethings it’s maybe chemical. Men will stay in relationships through to the bitter end all the while knowing it was over a year or two ago. From what I gather women don’t wait that long.
Most people settle with someone who isn't really suited for them, because deep down they believe they won't get someone who is truly suited for them.
I’m hoping you wrote this before watching. The key to a lasting relationship is to put the other first.
@@HubertofLiege and you have completely misunderstood what I am saying... if you are with someone who has completely different ideals to you, you have nothing in common, and they make you miserable, you should not be with them. Which is sadly most relationships these days. Yes, you go into relationships to give, but not at the expense of yourself.
@@Hero_Of_Old yes, now I understand you, but the idea of settling is selfish. I fully agree that it is of paramount importance to be equally yoked in order to be suited for each other, but if you want it to last each of you must submit to the other. Sharing the same values is a prime example of this.
@@HubertofLiege ? You just contradicted yourself.
@@Hero_Of_Old maybe you misunderstood me
Impeccable timing as my girlfriend broke up with me this morning. Thank you
Sorry to hear it, man
Be strong and use this as a learning experience
Painful & I am sorry you have to go through a breakup. Be well and know you are great with or without someone else (which is amazing).
Thank you, gentlemen (and ladies, if any)
Same here.
I am a marriage and family therapist, and I could not possibly agree more with the content of this video. Simply brilliant! Expertly done you all. Truly.
not entirely true at all😅
i am the product of a broken marriage and broken home. I encouragr you to please help more families and marriages.
@@PolishBehemoth Thank you. I sure will give it my all. Hang in there my friend.
@@skeletorlikespotatoes7846 elaborate
@@skenderbegshala3247 Relationships fail precisely because people go into them thinking of each other as humans, and pretend to have a "realistic" view of life
When I first met my wife, we had a wonderful and passionate infatuation. It was great and I don’t think that phase is unimportant. But that initial passion tends to smolder and die sometimes, and it is also rekindled. In between, we are best friends. We’ve been separated a lot due to our jobs, and it made us better partners for each other and helped us not take each other for granted.
Soul mates are not something or someone that you find, they are built by two people committing to be the best versions of themselves they can be, both for themselves, and also for each other. Love is sticking through the hard times, even when your partner may be irritating or infuriating, or when life keeps throwing curveballs your way, and learning how to be better from one another. Not by tearing your partner down, but by ensuring you both know you’re always on each others side, and by taking both correction and praise and using it to be better people.
Well said.
Agreed!
Very thoughtful comment! It shouldn't be 50/50 but 100/100 because each person should be doing their best. Also, each person should aim to feel whole and complete within themselves. Partners help with eachother's personal growth with that being the main goal.
Extremely well said. No notes at all.
Wonderfully said ❤
Excellent video. The immature side of romantic love says “fill me,” but the more mature side has enough substance to give, and wants to pour into the other. Aside from that, a romantic relationship shouldn’t be limited to romance alone. A business partnership (or something like it), shared hobbies, values and dreams all build depth and richness to a relationship. And it always stems from mature, independent adults voluntarily entering the partnership.
"The immature side of romantic love says "fill me", but the more mature side has enough "substance" to give, and wants to "pour into" the other."
🤭 Who needs romance with that kind of poetry?
What if one is mature and the other is not ? What then ?
@@kr9664 people should look for partners who have a similar level of maturity to them, or else it is more likely to create the unequal dynamic described in the video.
@@kr9664
Be immature with them.
She/he wants to go on the Ferris wheel for the 20th time at the carnival? You go on the Ferris wheel for the twentieth time at the carnival no matter how much S you just ate and no matter how long each ride is because the operator of said ride is stoned out of his A while he’s been staring at a fixed point in the time and space continuum his little brain has been frozen in for the better part of a solid 30 min. Not that this ever happened but tell you what, she finally got tired of the Ferris wheel and years later still cringes when she sees one.
@@egrytznr8893
lmao!
I heard someone say that it is not about being insanely in LOVE with each, other but insanely in RESPECT for one another... That is what lasts. I 100% believe this statement to be true
Me too, my last relationship broke because of a lack of respect on both sides id say.
In love includes In Respect. The key is "insanely." That's a sign there's a lot of potential there.
The thing is that when we fall in love; we don't actually fall in love with our partner, but with the Idea on how our partner is supposed to be. So when we perceive that our partner lacks all kinds of "good qualities" we expect from, then we feel withered, and believe that he or she is not the right person I'd spend my life with. So we start bouncing from one lover to another in search of our Sweet Beloved. I call this " The endless road of the hopeless romantic".
It s been more than 20 years that I m with my husband. Since beggining of relationship, the goal was " looking together in the same direction". We knew hormones ( love and lust ) gradually go down so those were not the base of a long relationship. We deserve each other cause neither of us think they deserve it more. We are both imperfect, we help each other despise those imperfection and through those imperfections. We choose, every day, that we still are better and stronger together. An other human beeing is not responsible for your hapiness nor is your intertainment. My husband is too honest ( for regular society standards ). He won t let me live into my lies, he won t say lies to makes me happy. But ultimately, this is what we need, what I need. We do not count what we give each other. I hope my girls will find a partner like I did and that people still tries too have a partner. Do not let yourself down, humanity needs good people to survive.
That’s what they mean when they say perfection in imperfection. People have romance wrong, what you describe is actual romantic love.
@@diro5910 I truly believe it. If someone look out for a lover and finds it, after time, love will go weaker. Instead, look out for a partner and love will comes stronger and stronger.
@@evemaria37 I agree. Life is a voyage. People look for someone to make the voyage more pleasurable. But you should instead look for someone to make the voyage with you. Simple as.
You know, good people can emerge and will emerge even out of bad marriages. I have learned that being decent and good is not about how you were raised, it's a decision you take in life. Everybody has to eventually decide whether they are crooked or not. Nevertheless, I do recognize having a loving family with principles does help the person later on to choose good or evil.
@@juanramonsilva1067 i agree. I m a better person than I was before. Partly because of my husband help, partly because I made the changes myself. Same for my husband. It s not so much about good vs bad people. I would rather say " willing to change in the same direction as my other half ". If someone is with a narcissic person, the narcissic won t accept to change and will try to change only the other person. So, in my opinion, " willing to change " persons AND honesty ( with ourself and the other half ) are the two MUST HAVE to have a nice partenership.
My grandmother always said that the best relationships are based on friendship so this is what I'm going for.
My boyfriend and I are like chalk and cheese but, despite our differences, we still found common ground and can have fun together. The love element is just a bonus because, even if one day we will stop loving one another, we will still have the solid foundation of friendship, mutual respect and appreciation.
Marrying your best friend is the greatest gift. I’ve been with my husband for 21 years, married 17. Because we are best friends, we have forgiven each other when we f up and we know that we are each other’s family. Looking forward to many more years. Good luck to you. I hope you marry your best friend.
@@umiluv Your marriage sounds great and I'm very happy for you, my boyfriend and I have no intention of getting married though. We are both in our 40's and rather set in our ways. Also, he's needed at home as he's helping his father to care for his mother, and I have been married before - once bitten, twice shy as they say. We're perfectly happy living separately and not being married for the moment but, we definitely see ourselves growing old together.
“Trusting gramma”??? You might wanna read some recent journals on human behavior.
Marriage relationships have an evil & twisted way of destroying any “foundation”, and nobody is immune to its destructive hatred that ensues from “having too much of a good thing”, or too much time with the same person.
Cheers!
@@TheSimpleTruthOne Well, aren't you a cheerful sort?
As it happens I know from experience what a bad marriage can do so don't need to read anything written by so called experts, I wouldn't trust those "experts" to tie my shoelaces.
I rather trust my grandmother than anyone else, especially some random stranger with an obvious axe to grind.
@@TheSimpleTruthOne Just because you're miserable doesn't mean you can spread your misery everywhere else, especially when it's unwarranted. Cheers!
We didn't understand this for the first few years of our marriage. Thank God we got over it. We are at almost 33 years together. We are not and never will be perfect but we are comfortable with our life together
I reached a very similar conclusion. I've equated building a long-term relationship based on romance alone is like making a cake solely out of frosting. I've also concluded that the fate of romance-based relationships are either: dissolution, unhealthy sustain (either by finding other stimulants or maintaining an arrested development), or refounding it on a completely different basis.
Love can be a form of escapism, just like other addictions. I was surprised to hear Academy of Ideas use the term self-love, self-love and loving ourselves sound similar, and the definitions are confused for one another, but self-love seems to be a modern bastardized form of loving yourself.
Yes that's the Capitalist propaganda machine, all fluff and run screaming from reality.
eventually life is about finding the right balance of joy and suffering ... and to create positive and productive things for the future - healthy people
In the beginning it was all icing. Then the cake started to show thru.
life is really kind of just a series of different addictions and habits, and acclimating from the thrill to the boredom, people just need to be aware of it - if only it was that simple@@agent3976
It's easy; Have realistic expectations and live within a reasonable means. Have trust in them, support them physically, mentally and emotionally. As a couple you should both be going out and doing physical activities in nature for as far as you can in life, this will significantly increase the pair bonding over time.
Of course, you have to be able to find a partner who's willing to try such a mature approach with you.
@thenew4559 you are never going to find so.eone perfectly on par with you. Celibrate them for who they are try not to take yourself or them too seriously. Being overly judgmental kills relationships
@@StoneStraiffI agree, I never said a partner has to be perfectly on par with you, it’s absolutely foolish to expect a partner to be so. They just have to be mature and reasonable, that’s all I’m saying.
In my youth I searched and searched for the "magical other". When I figured out it was something unattainable I concentrated on the qualities I thought were important for a life partner who also wanted a family. Now, almost 50 years later, I'm still married to the same wonderful guy , my children have grown into adults who inspire me, and our granddaughter is the cherry on top. Trust me, we went through many, many hard times. Almost split up! But we worked it out. Wasn't easy but it's been worth it. ❤
Such is the inevitable outcome of a hedonistic society where love is considered as a mere feeling borne out of narcissistic supply and the other is perceived as a replaceable use case.
I despise the notion of people as interchangeable. This person didn't make me happy... time to find someone who will. Whether through cheating, endless "flings," or multiple divorces, people just look to move onto the next replacement. I've even seen many therapists encourage this type of thinking, egging people on to end their relationship and find someone else instead of teaching problem solving and negotiation skills that could fix the relationship
Very well put. Same with work. Unrealistic and demanding expectations
@@rando5673 we live in a consumer world where everything is just throw away with no desire to fix anything , be it cars , refrigerators or relationships
Sad but true.
Thank you for spreading this word. I think a lot of young men in my generation (Gen Z) have this fantastical notion that, while their lives may be unfulfilled and desperate right now, some time off in the future they will find a partner that will fill all the cracks in their soul. Then, whenever the first woman comes along and happens to show the lonely man just a little bit of the attention he desires, he falls head over heels and ends up getting burned and bitter or worse, marrying her
If someone wants to be a man, he must find a woman, not a wife-mother. In that case, he has to work on his maturity before. A woman will naturaly try mothering him, control him. But he must not let her do, for the sake of both of them.
Yeah I like dreaming too sometimes.
What older men discover is life is terribly empty because they were told to not commit and play the field. Afterall, the majority of older men are incontinent and health deterioration happened early so add cynicism and you have one unsavoury character who is daydreaming of young women because they never stopped to hear what it was they needed, as opposed to what they 'should' be doing to be a real man. The majority of singles being older males is happening because they chose so called freedom. But that freedom was based on idealism not reality. And conversely, older women thrive because they've been forced to learn to cope alone while the big man is looking to sew his oats and stay unwhipped. The results for men are pretty dark, if one is foolish and views women as objects to be used and someone to replace Mother.
Ta-dah!
It’s every gen …
I’ll tell you some crazy ish …
I met my fiancé when I was 18. Two days before meeting him I had a dream of the exact spot and exact clothes he’d be wearing… the next two days I get on cruise with my family and I’m standing above looking down at all the people dancing . And what do I see? I see him in the exact clothes…
A day later a random stranger invites me to the same place he was (I guess they had become friends) I meet him, before I let him know about my weird dream, he tells me he has already dreamt of me for a while…
It’s been 10 years … 3 years ago I wanted to completely dismantle our dreams . Because out of all that I’ve learned from being with him and all my mistakes and his , is that at the end of the day, one has to choose to find romance and work at the relationship… you can’t use cutesie shit as a crutch for being lazy or a piece of shit . You have to make a choice every day to work at it …
It’s like how some Catholics quote “saved is always saved”
Meaning you can fuck up but you’ll always be saved . But that’s now how any relationship with a human works so why expect to treat God in the same manner ?
Love isn’t just about receiving it’s about giving , giving even when you are angry and don’t feel like it…
"Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other. Carl Gustav Jung". We are living in an era in which narcissism and hedonism inflates and that's why most relationships fail. Thank you, it's a very informative video❤
Capitalistic values has convinced people that 'love' is something to achieve, something of value, an ultimate end.. Thus love can be subjected to a debt/surplus model which perverts and destroys the whole idea. True love is absolute trust and freedom, and is only one of many aspects to any relationship so it doesn't play a dominating role all of the time. This overrides that 'ultimate end' people were fooled into thinking they could achieve and people psychologically break down because of it.
@@DyceFreak Totally agreed 💯👍
Where love is lacking, power fills the void.
@@yoobinjung35 Yepp💯
Those stem from the cult of "individualism."
This was so crucial to hear for the simple fact that this is arguably the most tricky, complex and controversial topic. It's like a Rubik's Cube one struggles to solve. Just when you thought that you were about to fill in that one side with a singular color it goes into shuffle mode and changes into a different color
Currently dealing with the end of a 7 year relationship where this was the exact cause of its failure. Thank you for so artfully arranging all the thoughts I had been trying to cobble together.
I'm very sorry to hear that. Hang in there, you will find love and happiness, I'm sure of it. Good things come with time.
Big warm hugs from Finland!
got out of 7 year relationship. theres a bright light at the end of the tunnel friend
@@birdOfswords thank you for the encouragement! Wishing the best for you!
Statistically if children are not involved, seven years is the limit to a majority of relationships
My wife was nut that used used to chase me with steak knives because I didn't experience bipolar depression like she did. 🤪
There's too many mentally ill people in America... Is it really so difficult to just be calm, gentle, and normal?
Focus on expanding skills.
Pursue excellence in a vocation.
Cultivate enriching hobbies.
Sculpting mind and body.
Create network of inspiring friends.
Seek adventures.
Devote yourself to rewarding goals.
"... this is how we make our solitary journey meaningful, and therein cultivate self-love." ... according to the author.
It's not that I disagree per se with the above claim and advice, however I think they should have said something like: 'in addition to committing oneself to, and cultivating, a relationship with a particular person, if one so wishes." How can it be after all that the things they mention can make our 'solitary journey meaningful' but a specific, rich long-term personal relationship isn't one of them?
In other words, the mistake I think the author - and many modern relationship 'gurus' make - is over-emphasising individualism (as a corrective to the pathology of co-dependency) at the expense of downplaying the importance and unique value of partnership or special companionship. The reason I say this is because all these other activities and types of relationships, as valuable as they are, do not- and cannot - equally substitute for the opportunities and tangible rewards and spiritual growth that a sustained, committed personal relationship may potentially provide.
Similarly, I agree mostly with the conclusion: ''it is the separateness of the partners that enriches the union. Great marriages cannot be constructed by individuals who are terrified by their basic aloneness, as so commonly is the case, and seek a merging in marriage… Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other…Genuine love not only respects the individuality of the other but actually seeks to cultivate it, even at the risk of separation or loss." HOWEVER, once again what I think they downplay or don't address sufficiently is WHY people might choose to live with each other *even though* they are 'quite capable of living alone'. One is almost left wondering why bother if one simply accepts uncritically what the author says. For this reason I see it as a warning and a corrective lesson, but there is a danger in my view that it goes too far in the other direction. There doesn't seem to be sufficient understanding or attention given to the importance of the 'Other' and the individual human beloved in mature relationships for our individual, personal development.
@@neilcomley7854beautifully said. I also found there was a bit of an over-emphasis of individualism in this presentation. Not to say there wasn’t truth spoken throughout, but mainly like you said, a committed relationship with someone else that you cultivate over time is certainly one more route to fulfill one’s solitary journey through life (if the journeyer chooses).
I would change the popular quote "We were born alone and will die alone" to "We were born as individuals and will die as individuals". Because it makes unnecessarily such a negative impact mentaly the word ALONE, I feel. It sounds like it says "We were born separated from everything and everone and will die separated from everything and everyone" like we wouldn't be conected, but we are never separated form Anything!!! We are ALLLLLL ONE and with the Devine and We cannot be actually and factically separated, Ever! Please, Let's be aware of this truth everybody. Love you ALL and have a beautiful day, afternoon, evening or night and of course life💖💖💖.
The concept of romantic love has been so deeply imprinted into the modern psyche that being needy, codependent, feeling empty and unfulfilled unless you're in a relationship, going from relationship to relationship is seen is perfectly normal (even desirable) while desiring to be singe/alone is seen as unnatural. You're not allowed to want to be single or alone, you will be shamed and psychoanalyzed. I've been in several relationships and from my perspective romantic love isn't all that. I'm a natural introvert and love my alone time, I don't need constant external validation to feel happy. If someone wants to avoid all that comes with 'romantic love' and live a life of singledom, it's their choice and it's a valid choice. Monks, priests, and nuns have made that choice.
I believe having a choice is a luxury in some cases including my own of course.I don't need many friends but it's not that I made an active choice, it just happened that way.I couldn't get in a romantic relationship to save my life even if I want to.(I should mention that it's not outside pressure, it's what I think..it's one thing I should be able to taste from the tree of life)
An excessive rise in extroversion, and the cultural emphasis on extroversion, is a sign of a decaying society. Excessive extroversion is the antithesis of understanding and self reflection, and it is the height of superficiality. This makes people very easy to manipulate and control, hence the widespread emphasis on it, and the derision of introversion as an implication of mental illness.
Monks and priests find love and validation in God
You really don't have an understanding of monasticism. God becomes a sort of substitute for a spouse and the other monks and nuns are family. A person who is unwilling to connect with others whether through marriage or a monastery or some kind of community is considered selfish or childish among many religions. The hermit alone is trying to connect with God.
@@blackbette07 you don't know what I have an understanding of, it was one sentence that I didn't feel was necessary to explain in detail. No religion or individuals projecting their own neediness onto me is going to make me do anything I don't want to do. There's nothing more to it.
"The Road Less Traveled" is a great book! Underrated and I had somewhat forgotten about it.
M Scott Peck has a brilliant mind and is a great author.
I read it 30 years ago. I needed this video and will read the book again
I have to re-read it!
And his other book, People of the Lie
I think you just saved my marriage, my family and me. Thank you.
Are you the one suffering from the search for the magical other? Cause sometimes I think I am.
Care to explain?
Wow. Awesome
This makes me want to change everything about how I love my partner. Thank you, this came at just the right time for me.
Awesome
Most people are..... Selfish. They never think about the wants and needs of others and are so self centered which is why relationships fail. This goes for both men and women. Like seriously when was the last time most people actually did something genuinely kind for somebody? Kindness is something so rare nowadays
We're ALL selfish . Everthing we do in this life is for our own selfish reasons , desirs and needs.
Well, once we agree that we are all selfish to some degree, we might get somewhere. What's the solution? I have one! Find someone who naturally meets your needs and you meet theirs by pure compatibility. You will find yourself gravitating in similar directions, without having to engage in total self-denial. Problem solved.
@@lestwins8114Yes, but the point of life via Christianity is that we die to self, humble ourselves and put God first. This kills selfishness in us.
It's all made to fail by getting men to be ∆$$ H∅£€$ and women to become crazy, and before their 20s .
George Carlin nailed this point succinctly.
This is an existential growing PAN DE MIC engineered over decades. THEY knew it ends badly but couldn't stop themselves. THEY CROSSED THE RUBICON AND DRAGGED MANY ALONG- by all means.
Media comprehensively to blame along with too much isolation and silo with a cult like ad hoc subcommunity, many designed post WW2.
Busy nests, dumbing down, memory distortions, atomized families and community, B$ amounts of time paid for NO GOOD REASON, and many ways to buy and earn poly addictions.
Mobile and home based survey influence EMF based infrastructure essential and cost effective as long as profits maxed out to the least numbers for maximum waste, profligacy and meaninglessness other than pushing ECON fictions like GDP and ideal inflation.
IMHO ±.
What's love got to do with IT. Nothing but blinded bewildered deep seeded madness pursued. At all cost. ALL.
UNLESS ...
@@lestwins8114 we're not all selfish. Highly empathetic people feel the pain and are aware of the needs of others. We reach out when we can do.something to unburden another. Learning to protect ourselves and that most people are selfish has been my most painful life lesson.
I admit that I was not the best partner to the mother of my 5yo son. We’ve been co-parenting for a few months after being together for eight years and due to my insecurities and fear of abandonment, I overcompensated and did not give myself any time to work on myself. I ended up becoming resentful, angry, and very insecure. It came out in ways that sometimes made her feel unsafe. I’ve been living with that guilt forever, especially when our friends had to learn from her about how I can get. Those relationships are close to severed now. Nowadays it’s been a struggle to find any sort of solace due to me feeling irredeemable or unworthy of being loved. I am admittedly getting better, but it’s videos like these that really make me think about what I could (and couldn’t) have done while we were together
Hey, I just wanna say that the fact you are self-aware and are thinking critically is a huge deal, as shitty as the situation is, be proud of yourself for that.
You're doing okay, just take it one day at a time 🫂
Yes! We fantasize the other person into something they never claimed to be in the first place, and then somewhere down the road blame and resent them for not being that illusory figment. True love.
Hope springs eternal, but is not realistic. Unfortunately, it takes a long time to get your head round this. Relationships deteriorate over time, like it or not. The initial magic wears off, and the scales drop from your eyes. It’s sad.
I recently started reading a book "The art of Seduction" by Robert Green. It really opened my eyes to how men and women look at love and fantasize it. I suggest giving it a read it changed my perspective
Sometimes people claim to be and act like something they are not, until we are invested heavily in the “ relationship “. The one who drinks the cup dry , never refills it.
@@docusi2674 "The one who drinks the cup dry never refills it." A brilliant line.
You cannot give something that you don't already have. You must first have love for yourself - including your flaws - before you can love another - including their flaws.
That's stupid, it's impossible to heal without the love and support of others, try living alone in a basement for 3 years and see how much you love yourself, and are emotionally stable
@@Eat_shit--die_mad Not really sure how your comment is relevant to relationships, but ok. 🤷🏻♀
@@Eat_shit--die_madi did exactly that. It is entirely possible though I wouldn't generally recommend it.
Ultimately it is the only way to true and complete fulfillment but we are humans, it is natural for us to search for love in others.
@@Eat_shit--die_madeh I beg to differ , sure you can heal by yourself , you shouldn’t be co-dependent on other people for happiness , find it within yourself first .
If you really love yourself to the point of also loving your flaws, will there be ANY room for improvement? This sounds a little too 21 centery ideology marketing to my taste.
I took a sociological class on marriage and family. One lesson dealt with romantic love. We were taught that originally families married for practical reasons like getting access to someones resources. Also, parnets and grandparents were also allowed to help with the vetting process as romanctic love was seen as a mental illness. However romantic relationahips happened when society moved away from farming and into the industrial age. Interestingly, arranged marriages have a lower rate of divorce than romantic marriages.
Why most relationships fail is not because of our search for the Magical Other, but the idea that when found everything will be alright, that the work is done. That is what leads to pain later on. Nothing is more detrimental to life than stasis. If you remain static too long you'll become like a rock in the river: slowly eroding away, but not moving.
Not talking is also a very big one. In my experiences even huge things can be surmounted with truth and honesty.
And find peace with that being in a relationship will not solve everything, but that you can find strength in having someone that is there for you, and find power in being there for someone else.
I strongly disagree with that you cant love someone else before you love yourself. If i had to wait for self love to appear(from where i would not know)before i went into a relationship i most likely would not be here today.
I started loving myself because i found someone that loves me, and i love her. Seeing that i was indeed worthy of love, and capable of giving love sparked my fire to care about myself. It changed my perspective about myself. It made me see myself as a human being, a person. And that led to me working on myself, becoming more human everyday.
And if she leaves you, you will lose the love you have for yourself because it’s not authentic and isn’t built by you alone
@@ThePathOfLeastResistancdamn let the nigga be happy
Thank you for this comment. I couldn’t figure out what was bothering me about the video but you nailed it. Self-love and the extreme focus on one’s own individualism can be just as much of a trap as the Mythical Other. We’ve become so self sufficient and atomized we tend to think we should do things alone even if we don’t have to.
At least that has been my struggle as someone who has never been able to accept romantic love because I am always afraid of being a burden and a nuisance, but who paradoxically wishes for a chance to have someone be there in times of struggle so I don’t have to carry all the weight by myself. I suppose that makes me selfish. I don’t know.
@@pridefall3304 I like your comment. I don't think you are selfish if you want somebody to be there for you in times of trouble. In the end, what's the point of a relationship if we are all the time strong individual beings. What happens when we become old and we lose our strength and we are burdened by different illnesses and we can't be self suficient anymore.
I remember reading a comment on a posting about childhood trauma and self love. A lady was saying that this idea is promoted that you should love yourself, and heal and then you can find love, but the truth is traumatized people get into relationships and sometimes they work, and sometimes they don't. But you are lovable, even if you are traumatized, and with the support of the partner you can heal.
The idea of that posting was that everybody says "you should love yourself", but nobody says how. Many people just feel happy to spread cliches.
26 year old, been alone my entire life. Sometimes I feel lonely, or like I've been missing out on something; the rest of the time however, the solitude is intoxicating. Solitude brings peace to my soul.
I’ve been single six years now. The longer I’m single, the more comfortable I am with it. It’s been so long now there is an element of fear of being in a relationship. But I tell myself I’m more safe and comfortable being single. I don’t have a choice anyway, but if an opportunity did present itself, I’d probably pass it up.
@@peripheralparadox4218 I'm pretty far gone at this point so even if I wanted to be in a relationship, it's not gonna happen. But that's for the best. I feel god put me here to be alone. I feel safest in my own mind
@@observer4916 same, except I don’t think any God has some special plans for me to be alone. Nature just created women to only desire the top 10% of guys. It’s everywhere in nature.
@HighMindYT I agree, forfeiting a relationship out of fear is not good. But many men simply do not and cannot live up to what women are attracted to. If you cannot attract a woman, then isn’t it better to accept reality as it is than pursue an unachievable fantasy?
@HighMindYT after all, the proof is in the pudding. Only 50% of the history of men have reproduced.
While it is certainly true that partners should not coerce each other to live up to fantastic and unrealistic standards, I should remind myself that they should also tell each other what they need, and that often a good romantic partner will volunteer to improve themselves to please their partner (or at least compromise on some issues). I've had some people act as if any such sort of change would place too much "pressure" on the party with more unsatisfied desires, but really change and growth are also necessary components of maintaining a relationship. As always, we have to strike a balance somewhere in the middle...
More notes to self: here's a slight criticism of some potential implications in this video. While I agree with the premises that 1) we should avoid projecting idealistic fantasies onto the "Romantic Other", and 2) that we should cultivate self-love and a meaningful life independent of a partner, doing those two things does not necessarily help people to escape loneliness. It is entirely possible to have realistic assessments of other people and live meaningfully *while* still feeling lonely if there are simply no people nearby who can share your values and interests. The logic of "you feel lonely -> therefore you must not love yourself" is deeply flawed and invalidating.
I've always referred to this idea as "Disney Princess Syndrome", this sort of hyper-romanticized fictional view of love that comes mainly from Hollywood films. I guess it can also affect men as well, although I think women tend to expect this sort of idealized love much more. Basically, it's the idea that if your partner doesn't act like your prince charming (or perfect princess), sweeping you off your feet and keeping you in a constant state of intense romantic passion, then it isn't good enough. Of course, this sort of passion rapidly fades after the honeymoon period. I think this absurd view of love plays a large part in the rise of divorces over recent decades (especially divorces where the initiator just cites "I'm dissatisfied" as the cause), as well as just the problems of the modern dating culture in general.
I think this line of thought plays into the whole “ick” thing women talk about online. That mundane things being icks are really just the hyper romantic illusion being broken by the fact that that person is human and not some prince charming
Very well said. Hollywood uses all the qualities and traits of God and his humans and twists it completely to something sinister and dark. I'm pretty sure these relationships lead or stem from drug use and partying.
@@aerynnavI haven’t heard of that trend, but it sounds like you’re right.
my ex was abusive because of this. im autistic so i show love through personal actions, like drawing them or doing small acts of service. i dont always know when to be romantic, so it is my fault. but, they expected me to do these lavish, "disney prince" type actions when i didnt have any energy at the time (i was dealing with a horrific home situation). funny, because they didnt do the same romantic actions they wanted, to me. bottom line is, dont settle for someone who only likes the idea of you, and doesnt want to deal with you when you're struggling.
@@r4tz4sn4ckz some people are selfish and only think about themselves
I think one can overthink being in a relationship too. You can both be struggling with a lot of personal issues but can still be there for each other to get through them together. No one is perfect. And a relationship won’t solve the demons inside you BUT the stubbornness in being there for each other bc you love each other might help you both heal.
As long as you are both trying to better yourselves and do things in service for each other, you can have a meaningful relationship.
Some might say that’s codependency but I think letting go and relying on someone and letting them rely on you is part of loving each other. No risk, no reward.
I’m 60 and since 27 years I have been healing myself of all my addictions so I read all the Scott Peck’s books. I never met him but I can say that he’s the man who helped me the most in my life. RIP Scott.
I’ve been on a very lonely, yet indescribably fulfilling journey for the past 5 years. It began with a transcendent religious experience, which led to an extreme lifestyle pivot. While I wouldn’t ever go back to my life previous to this experience, I find myself longing for human connection. Amazingly as I continue on this journey I see road signs like this video, encouraging me not to seek to satisfy my human longings. Great content, thanks for the reminder and encouragement.
I see where you are coming from but everything should be in balance. While it is true that one's relationship with God as well as one's relationship with oneself are deeply important, the need for human connection is absolutely normal. No one is an island. We were birthed into this world by our mothers. We are still inherently social creatures. This is part of God's beautiful design and a sign of His mercy upon us. I will humbly advise that you build your relationship with God and also nurture your soul with self love and compassion. Then you can slowly open yourself up to more frequent human interactions. You could chat with a friendly person at the gym or have spontaneous conversations with people that appeal to you. Slowly open yourself up to the world and remember that wholeness is found not only in isolation but in connection, wonder, curiosity, exploration and everything in between 😊
I think there is value is seeking human connection, it just does not have to be romantic in nature. Cultivating friendships can be as fulfilling and your journey does not always have to be lonely.
A relationship, like any symbiosis in nature, has to produce something USEFUL; things like offspring, a family unit, a home, a shared vision of the future. There has to be something that is actually built and created from it. If this is lacking, then it will fail, because there is nothing practical and useful coming from it. Sex and emotions alone can never, and will never sustain it.
Agreed. Any relationship has to have a "relational product," the sense that something is being built that would not have otherwise existed if the two people had not been together.
For as much as the wording you used sounds harshly utilitarian I do agree on the sentiment. Although what is useful very much depends on the individual and in this case the two parts of the whole, something simple and charming may be useful. A shared vision as you say.
Interesting opinion, but ironically enough childfree marriages report higher levels of satisfaction and have lower or the same rates of divorce.
yeah a couple does not need children to have a happy longlasting relationship, or for it to be useful.@@GLamoRousCooKie
@@GLamoRousCooKiewhere can I find this info?
Yes, ACTING lovingly is real love. This isn't to say that boundary setting can be dismissed as "controlling behavior". Or that "self-love" is a substitute for a deep loving committed relationship. Or that individuality is superior to commitment. That idea guarantees a failed relationship, and probably a lifetime of them. Commitment avoidance and a lack of boundary negotiation is what destroys marriages.
This absolutely. I find it ironic how everyone in the comments disparages romantic love as a capitalist creation whilst inadvertently perpetuating a capitalist mindset by promoting rigid individualism in its place
@@illvminatvs3194 Few understand romantic love often signals very high levels of compatibility on all fronts, which is why it feels so...urgent and romantic. It's a good thing, not a bad one. It carries the potential for lifelong solid marriage long after the infatuation phase is over.
It's hardly just "physical," although it includes that. There's also emotional, intellectual and spiritual connection there, and a lot more.
The dismissal of romantic love is like the dismissal of beauty just because one day it will "fade away" or more likely just change. So much better to be ugly your entire life! A beautiful woman in youth is very likely to be a beautiful, graceful old lady at 80.
Same for romantic love. A strong, passionate love based on a sense of certainty in the beginning is likely to evolve into a beautiful, low-simmering lifelong bond.
A sketchy, unsure, luke-warm start - is the Universe speaking to you. Those red flags are there for a reason. Mind them.
People should quit dismissing romantic love and start understanding it instead.
People can be magical to each other. I have experienced it several times in my life, the last time when I was 72.
But you will simply outgrow it at some point. If you try to stifle growth to hang on to the magic you will experience boredom and dissatisfaction which will end the magic too.
Enjoy the magic but don't over estimate it's power or longevity. The only way to salvage some of it long term is to build a strong friendship and trust and cherish the memories.
It's not as sad at all as it sounds.
The search for the magical love has nothing to do with lack of love from childhood. It's appalling to see that just being put out there as a fact, no studies cited whatsoever.
It's simple to find the root cause of Magical Other-thinking.
Media.
From a very young age, media shows us that this is what a true relationship is like. It starts with disney films that we watch as toddlers. It continues in teen-dramas. It's perpetuated in modern films.
This notion is constantly reinforced almost daily. Whether we pay attention to it actively or not.
People from perfectly loving childhoods have this thinking as much as anyone else.
Agree. That bit had me perplexed.
There is AMPLE research available in the affect that absentee parenting has on the ability of people to form healthy relationships. And…. Modern parenting and even not so modern parenting utilizes the very media of which you speak to babysit children when parents should be engaged with their children and NEVER allowing them to watch Disney. That IS absentee parenting so, you negate your own argument.
"We die alone, but we live among men" -John Marston
what a great perspective on narcissism and codependency. so much of the content on these subjects is completely lacking in personal accountability and a true understanding. bravo
This kid is so jaded thanks to Capitalist propaganda and misogyny he has no clue. He'll end up another lonely old man blaming women for his own Neanderthal desires not actualising. No mention that how a man treats a woman is how she learns to treat him. If .. he had any concept of evolution he would see he is speaking like a 13 year old boy who is terrified of separating from mother and treating women as humans and not an object to use.
how?
@@migspeculates One can not be told what the matrix is... jk i'm being lazy and don't want to explain. if you search for "narcissistic abuse" for example on youtube you will find some good, mostly terrible takes listing off formulae ("10 signs they're a covert narcissist") to look out for (even if there's no abuse!) that in a lot of cases are normal limerant delusion and covert methods of control all while completing ignoring their own contributions to the failure of the relationship
Very well put
Love is like art: Great art is unique and rare, great love is also rare, the one that completes you, and that person may even exist, but not where you will likely find them. We expect greatness, which means anything less is utter failure.
This is exactly what happens to people with limerence, infatuation with the magical other. It becomes destructive when the fantasies conjured up of a person is more desirable than time spent with said person.
I don't believe in a magical other but I do believe you can have a great relationship with a partner
I think what the "magical other" myth most misses for me is that relationships don't just "happen", they do take work, and effort, and maintenance...? And I'm not sure that their frequent ending actually invalidates their being successful whilst they last. Knowing when to call it quits for both partners' best good is sadly in some cases the healthiest option, although a really tough call to accurately make?
@@anna_in_aotearoa3166 Yes I agree, they do take work and effort. I guess it comes down to how much you love the person, and if you do you will invest the effort necessary. Yeah breakups are always tricky, and sometimes relationships don't work out, maybe there is someone better for us out there. I think it's a learning curve all the same.
These videos are always good, but this one is the best. You don't need a counsellor, just take this as true, and act upon this guidance. Peace and goodwill. "It is rare to find two people in love, usually, it is one in love, and the other one mildly amused by it."
Because people want to get with people that have completed the finish line, instead of running with them towards the finish line. You see this more commonly on the western world, wherein everyone seems expendable.
_"If the Beloved is everywhere,_
_the lover is a veil,_
_but when living itself becomes_
_the Friend, lovers disappear."_ ~ *Rumi*
I've just recently broken up and I'll tell you this, this is the most comforting video I've watched after hundreds of them. It really does feel like a hard pill swallow, but what you're saying is correct; that there is no "the right one" because the right one does not exist.
It would be interesting to analyze "arranged" marriages which lack the illusion of romance and the "magical other" assumption in those relationships.
And apparently arranged marriages are longer lasting. I would truly love to see his take on them
I think i heard from a podcast that arranged marriages have a higher chance for success. This is due to those arranging the marriage not thinking emotionally and looking for compatibility for their child.
Stupid people make stupid decisions, whether in love or out of love. Similarly wise people make wise decisions, even when in the throes of romantic passion. The goal should be to inculcate wisdom, instead of just embracing a random system of marriage. I'm from India. My parents met each other for the first time on the day of their wedding, at the wedding venue. My grandfather used to brag about the fact that no man in our family had ever seen his wife before the wedding day. (The reason he bragged about men is because for women it was a given, lol).
My mother turned out to be an aggressive narcissist, and neither my father nor anyone in his joint family had any tools to deal with that, because to them marriage was for a lifetime. Divorce wasn't an option. And they'd grown up believing that women "from good families" behave in a certain way. And if they don't they can be "disciplined" into doing so.
Well, my mother was from a perfectly "good family", (educated, middle class, respectable) and she behaved (and still does) like a complete psychopath. You can't "discipline" someone out of a cluster B personality disorder. And they've been stewing in that marriage for 30+ years.
Many of my friends also have the same dynamic with their significant others, even though these were "love marriages" born of multi-year relationships. Many people who have "arranged marriages" choose their partners based on money and beauty, since they don't have romantic love clouding their judgment, they use their perfect clarity of thought to judge on the basis of the most superficial and useless metrics.
Point is, the only way to find a good partner is to spend time and effort into choosing carefully. And acknowledging the fact that even despite your best efforts you might be wrong. And having the emotional and financial independence and fortitude to leave the relationship if it's not working for you, no matter what culture says. If you're not happy and thriving on your own, you won't be in a relationship, whether it's love marriage or arranged.
@@MM-ev1fg nobody can look for "compatibility" for another human being. No matter how close you are to someone, you can't really know what it's like to be them. What makes them happy or sad. It takes years to even know this about ourselves, and many people spend their whole lives without gaining that level of self awareness. That's why we keep choosing incompatible partners and unfulfilling careers for ourselves. Hardly any parent has such intimate knowledge of their adult child, and the insight to understand what characteristics would be compatible or incompatible with their personalities. Most people, when they're looking for "compatibility" focus on social and financial commonalities. Like the potential spouse should belong to the same class, religious background, linguistic community, similar age and educational qualifications etc. if the parent is very considerate they might even prioritise physical attractiveness. But that's as far as it goes. Someone who's smart enough to realize the complexity of actually finding a mentally and emotionally compatible life partner and forming a sustainable relationship with them... wouldn't be stupid enough to try and do that for another person. It's hard enough to do it for yourself.
@@MM-ev1fgThat may be part of the explanation, but I suspect the most important factor is that if, and as long as, one accepts an arranged marriage then one is part of a social group or context that expects that to work and to last. This engenders both internal pressure and external, social pressures to achieve this goal. In other words it's more about the social and cultural context than about individual characteristics.
I am 39 and never had a partner, just casual encounters. I am also pretty picky and rather be alone than someone I don’t feel intense chemistry with. I felt like I was missing out but tbh what about just normalizing being single and independent.
👍
Because having kids is what levels you up next. And if you do things right, you’ll have kids that love you and then maybe grandkids that love you too.
It’s an absolute joy to have kids. Don’t give up on being loved unconditionally everyday. It’s a lot of work because you have to give that love too. But you will get it back as well. Totally worth imo.
I think this video is for you then. Intense chemistry isn’t the basis of a relationship. Your instincts are probably messed up by your childhood & unfortunately you never grew out of it
@@VanityDivined well the initial attraction and chemistry needs to be there for me to want it to develop into anything further~ is that instinct incorrect? I need both emotional and physical connection
Same here
I honestly mean it when I say this video provided the most relevant and meaningful commentary on romantic love that I have ever experienced. Looking forward to reading ‘The Eden Project.’
The line from Dracula,"That the luckiest man who walks on this earth is the one who finds... true love," I think, expresses the rarity of romantic love. True love is needed for romantic love to succeed. Too bad I'm not the Lord of the Undead.
A life partner will not make you happy. They can only add to or subtract from your happiness. If you are an unhappy person, don't drag someone else into that s!@* show thinking they will somehow make you happy.
No. The only person who can make someone happy is that person.
@@map3384 My children make me extremely happy as does my wife. Happiness is a state of mind so of course things can add or subtract from it, environment to will have an affect on happiness so there are others factors than just you.
@@DustinDonald-cz9otexactly. Also thinking like this means that people with mental illness should never be in a romantic partnership, which is stupid. We all need people, that’s what it’s like to be human. And being in a loving relationship is healthy for anyone even if they aren’t always super happy.
That thumbnail painting, "The Lonely Ones" shows the nature of the common woman and man more clearly than many might realize. I'd been thinking of why it struck such a chord in me for a long time and realized at last why. They both gaze into the uncertain tumult of life, represented by the body of water before them. _His_ arm nearest to _her_ is reserved, showing a man's instinctual nature to _not_ be given to a compulsion toward companionship with a woman, while his hand facing away from them and toward life and the world around them _is_ given, and less reserved. By direct contrast, _her_ hand nearest to _him is_ given, showing a woman's instinctual nature _to_ be given to the compulsion toward companionship with a man, while her hand facing away from them and toward the uncertainty of life and the world _is_ reserved.
Thus why I choose to be alone. I woke up to this truth years ago after a string of failed relationships wherein I was caught up in wanting and expecting to have that "Magical Other". I love this channel; every video is so clear in its assessment of how much we humans suck.
Maybe choosing to be alone is not the answer. Maybe it is going from an extrem to an other extrem.
@@evemaria37 You're probably right. But I haven't found anyone who fits my criteria and at this point it seems unlikely lol..so be it..
@@kattilathehunfreedomfighter maybe the criterias you have are in cause? Sometimes, an " unachieved " and unmature person with an open mind and honest is better that a perfectly matching-your-criterias one? If I would have made a list of criterias, I would not have been interested in my husband.... Together since 20 years. Just saying.
@@evemaria37 As an INFJ/empath, we need to find someone of like mind or we'd just rather be alone (even though we are the doting attentive types when we have a partner). There are YT channels dedicated solely to our rare personality type and how paradoxical and difficult to understand we are. So I understand the odds are against me..and BTW I am very happy that you and your husband have found each other and that it's working well after 20 years! That makes me smile. I wish for many more years together for the two of you.
@@kattilathehunfreedomfighter imagine if your were mistaken about beeing that personnality, or if someone with that personnality doesn t really needed to be with the same personnality, or if that personnality would be a false personnality etiquette. You would be stuck in a box where you don t belong. Dogmas are never good...
Excited to watch this. Been together with current hubby for 10 years soon. I want to be beside him always, today and on our old days. Not married yet but we will be when time is right, and once we get the money for a huge ceremony and so on :) the love and devotion is stronger than speeches and rings on fingers.
They've been together for 10 years lol. The honeymoon phase has long passed.
@@joebrennan.4389 When 2 people genuinely love each other & both want to stay together because their love/commitment is Genuine, they will both endeavour to Make it work & Compromising is an important element of any type of relationship, friendship, Co-worker or love relationship. A huge Mistake people make is rushing into sex & Not taking Lots of Time to Get To Know One Another on Every Level. Relationships should be a Huge Investment of Time Getting to Know One aAnother. Couples also need to be Creative on many levels, including Intimacy.
why a huge ceremoney?...
Raised by a single parent.
String of bad relationships. One would think I have a sense for damaged people.
Recently divorced. Separated for 6 years.
After my separation, I met a woman. There's no burning flame of desire, but trust me when I tell you I love this woman, and I know she loves me back.
I understand what you're teaching perfectly because I've experienced it.
When you do find someone willing to work with you through life, it's a very different kind of love.
Thanks for your amazing videos.
My ex will forever be searching for that "magical other". But at the same time, my wife and I know what we have and will do anything necessary to make it work.
Why are you still concerned about your ex
Because it was a particularly nasty breakup and she did some terrible things to me in the relationship. It's just a relief to know there is some form of justice for a person like that.
Amazing video thank you so much for creating such great content. I’ve just come out of my first long term relationship two weeks ago. It was hard because my ex had a lot of trauma surrounded in being alone. He hated the idea and looked to me to cure all his unhappiness. That his life only had meaning with me in it. This was so much pressure for me to uphold. It made me sad that he could not see himself worthy of his own love. I always tried to encourage him on a path of self love and fulfilment but he never wanted to take this path for himself. Although the split has been incredibly painful it was also necessary. I still love him and only want the best for him. He needs to learn to love himself first. This video really spoke to me with the quotes you used. Its reassuring to hear in such turbulent times. I hope to one day be lucky enough to develop a true respectful partnership out of genuine love and patience for the other. For now I will work on myself. I am excited and a little scared for the start of a new journey. I wish everyone luck in their own journeys. Things will all work out in the end. Remember to be kind to yourselves 🙏🏾🙏🏾
Sometimes it is like magic. Our steep biases towards individualism in the West currently blind us to the possibilities of functional groups in this domain.
I agree with the mentioning that some spouses see their partners as "missing parents". Such spouses lack emotional skills on how to overcome childhood issues like abandonment, domestic abuse, maternal or paternal neglect, etc. Unconsciously, they want to turn their partners into somebody else, and oftentimes they attempt to create either such an ideal mother or father out of their partners.
The thing we need to hear today.
Good work
As opposed to "THERE today"?
I've been trying to rekindle this for 12 years with the same woman. I think I can finally move on with my life after watching and understanding this video
This myth is supposed to be an internal journey with the anima, not actualized in the sense of projecting it onto someone else. Recognize your inner lover and you will discover a great deal about oneself.
A month ago this video helped me reaffirm my love for my girlfriend, that we were on the right path. 3 days ago we broke up, not blaming this video, just thinking to myself that I existed as the imaginary mold for too long that she never really knew who I was
When I was 15 years old, a man in my church blessed me that I would one day find and marry the woman who was my soul mate. Well I found her when I was 19 and I've been happily married to her for 22 years now.
This is absolutely true!
Be kind to yourself when you realize it was you all along ❤
This is SOOOOOO needed right now. Reaching a state of self where you can consciously rip the projections off of someone trying to truly know them is deep shadow work. #twinflames are like dying inside this myth
The twin flame psy op runs deep
@@Insight-musicdoes it ever! That Anima/Animus will SPIN YOU UP in their illusionary bdsm of Self lol 😂
Thank you! It's something I've pondering over for the last couple years. My last relationship was exactly what you are describing in this video. You're putting into words what I had in my mind those last 2 years.
Something doesn't ring true about this point of view. It has a strong tinge of cynicism about it. Perhaps it's a result of the scientific/industrial age. Falling in love, is connecting to another and recognising and accessing our own humanity through the reflection of another. True, we put the imperfections aside, that is a function, so we can delve deeper to the source. As regards, "Why don't relationships last"? Who is to say that relationships should have a particular duration? This whole approach to love and life is basically stoicism. We need to embrace our emotions and enjoy them. They are the source of life.
One other thing. We aren't born alone. We are connected on many levels to a mother and if we are fortunate, a father and maybe siblings. We grow up in a tribe, and if we don't have one naturally then we seek one. This is why we we want to love others, we seek family.
Excellent and insightful response- many thanks for your contribution here to the very cynical and one-sided discussion taking place 👍🏻
this is true but the way we go about it is usually backwards
me and my other constantly push each other towards growth, we have never taken our love for granted and have worked very hard to grow our love for ourselves. But part of this drive is the desire to love the other more. I want to love myself so that I can love her, better. It helps me realize that the love I want to feel for her, is actually the love I want to feel for myself. This is fuel for self growth, not the center of our universe, just additional material for self love.
Never had a relationship, I am 31 now. I think that I never truly wanted them, often I feel alone but when I am about to meet someone I prefer to turn away. I don’t see it as something bad is just the way I am, loneliness has been the only constant in my life and I prefer it that way, people are a sacrifice, and for what?. For something uncertain, drama and bs.
Same here... now being 44.
a bit different from you is that I enjoy my solitude. You can be physically alone but dont feel lonely.
Never wanting a relationship sounds pretty unnatural to me, it is after all one of the most basic human needs.
Be careful that you're not telling yourself a story just to save yourself rejection / hurt in the short term.
And also be careful that you're not making a forever alone victim persona of yourself. (with all the psychological advantages of being a victim and all).
Maybe listen to some Jordan Peterson podcasts on the subject, his wisdom always helped me a lot.
As an evolving human being, it is necessary to experience all the drama, uncertainty and BS. Otherwise you won't fully grow. You were born to experience all these things. You become a better rounded person.
Neither do I. I would have gone mad long ago if I did. In fact, I would have way more company in the community I shall eventually join than that which I have now, that is, nil.
I accidentally found a magical other. I wouldn't have designed him this way because I didn't know what I really wanted beforehand. We are so weird but match each other in crazy ways , also complimenting each other's weaknesses. It amazes me.
I've been following your channel for a long time, and my self discovery process started exactly when I realized intuitively what you explain in the video. Now, 3 years after my death and (succesful) rebirth, I guess it's no mere chance this video arrived.
Thank you so much brother, for everything. I big salute from Argentina.
The points made here are valid, but there are other factors in play today that weren't as prevalent or in some instances non-existent in previous generations that have led to the increase in divorce and the rise in the number of people who don't marry at all. These include hookup culture, the availability of porn, quick and easy divorces, the emergence of the internet, and the collapse of the church. People have always been self-interested, it's just a whole lot easier and acceptable to act on it these days.
I don't think he's claiming this is the only reason for the rise in divorces and troubled relationships, just that it is at the heart of most problems.
How did the availability of porn came about then, genius?
Wives to the majority of the work in marriages, including housework, caring for kids and oftentimes working full time. And all the husbands do is just go to work and then chill while the wives don't get a break. And then they complain how there's less sex and when they are told to clean up after themselves they complain about their wife being naggy. No wonder divorce rates are so high, and single women are statistically the happiest demographic
@@lottavuorinen That may have been the case in your marriage and that is sad. My wife and I both worked and I did most of the cooking because I was usually home first and I didn't mind. I also did the grocery shopping, lawn work, and we split cleaning up the house. But my marriage still ended up on the rocks. No two situations are alike and it's not always who is doing what around the house that determines happiness. Single women and men for that matter may be happy when they are young but that often changes when they get older. I wish you well, I truly do, but how you feel today may not be how you feel later on down the road. That's all I'm saying.
@@itinerantpatriot1196 That didn't happen to me, I'm actually happily married right now with a man who doesn't treat me like a mommy 2.0. Unfortunately is the case I talked about is something I've seen with so many people in real life. You ever consulted your wife about why she was displeased? A lot of men are oblivious to their wife's wellbeing, and often have this idealized view of their marriage while they don't take the other party's point of view into account.
You're right that the happiness in marriage is not 100% determined by housework alone, and that's not what I meant at all. However I suggest looking into the mirror first before blaming others if that's what you're doing. Maybe you weren't a good partner despite doing the chores 50/50, maybe you were. Not up to me.
Actually according to statistics single men much unhappier than single women, and married men are at similar happiness as that of single women. And the happiness level stays more or less similar in old age. Women sacrifice more in relationships and do more work as I mentioned prior, and especially if they have children they have essentially to sacrifice their passions, career or ambitions etc in order to ensure that the child grows up in a more or less good environment. Not to mention the effects pregnancy has on body and mind, and the fact that some regret having kids altogether. The reason why single women are happier is because their relationships with friends and family is on average stronger than that of men, and they have much more free time to devote to themselves and their interests. Studies show that they live longer than their marries counterparts, and that may be due to lower stress levels
I used to think the exact way this video described. Looking for someone to "fix" me or be my mommy. I knew that there was something very wrong with thinking this way, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. This video made me see things much more clearly. Very well done.
Extremely important video, thank you
So important. People hate how detached I am from these myths and think they’re something wrong with me even though I’m just considering the reality of the situation. There is no one soul mate in a universe that creates an infinite variety of the same kind of thing. You can find a soulmate anywhere if you’re really open to it. Just work on yourself first because your future children don’t deserve your unresolved BS.
Thank you, @manwithaplan8543. Very well said.
Brilliant video. Can't thank you enough. 🙏🏻
This is brilliant. Thank you, so much!!
There is only one person responsible for your happiness.
YOU.
Bending together and letting the other person self discover is a very important part and of course jealousy is the killer of any relationship. You must learn to be alone as well as together. Respect hobbies and like and dislikes without trying to mold the other person into a clone of yourself. 48 years together and it took many years to learn and most things thru much pain but you mature as you age and become not so self centered
People's expectations grow with each subsequent partner. They seek an amalgamation of the positive aspects of all their past partners and forget about their negatives.
People need to choose a partner young, early 20s - and as long as they aren't cheating on your or chasing you with deadly weapons - They are your best (and possibly only) bet at starting a family.
Or People can do what pleases them
My ex dumping my ass was the best thing he could’ve done all those years ago. I was single for years after but I became so comfortable with myself where I realized that whatever happens in my next relationship, it’s fine and m I’ll just be chilling in the end.
No matter how strong and independent you are, how much you love yourself, is better when you feel the support and loving hugs of parents, friends, partners.
(Edit: And just because you are self suficient and all that jazz, I don't think you'll feel less hurt in case of a breakup or that you'll recover in a short time.)
And even if you die alone, it doesn't mean people don't care about you. There are John/Jane Does identified after 40-50 years. People care, want answers and want the justice to be done.
I love my wife, and she loves me, it’s not the romantic love in movies, but it’s deeper than anything I could explain, so I won’t even try. She is my best friend, when I am not with her I miss her, and when I am with her I don’t want to be apart. She feels the same for me. The key to a happy marriage is to only marry someone who is willing to do to you as much as you do for them, only then will there be balance, I treat her the best I can, because nothing matters more than her. She is my family, and now we are expecting a son, and he too will be of this family. I will work for them, fight for them, though not for love, bur because they are my responsibility, my family. There are too few sacred things left in this society, for me family and marriage is the two most sacred things left for us.
I can barely accept the good parts of myself, let alone the flaws of another.
That's brutal. I hope that changes.
They don't have flaws, would be a good place to start maybe?
Had a hyper-critical parent?
"Your soulmate is your compliment, not your missing piece" Garnet - 2020
I can't tell you how much I needed this video
Amazing content. Seek your destiny. Conquer your fear, seek adventures, direct your movie which is your life as you the main star. Everything else will fall in place
The real question is: how do we guide our children, so they do not fall in the same trap. This is truly terrifying to think about for me.
Exactly that's what I always say when someone ask about me starting a family I say no because the children don't deserve what they'll be put through.
“We are each of us, in the last analysis, islands of consciousness-and that is the root of our aloneness.”
"To avoid the unnecessary suffering that plagues so many relationships, it is critical that we discard the myth of romantic love, abandon the search for the Magical Other, and rather than seeking salvation in someone else’s affection, concentrate on cultivating self-love."
Great video. Lots to unpack.
My resolution to join the Theravada Buddhist community of monks I am now in impeccable connection with just grows exponentially after watching such videos. Better to live a tranquil and quiet life in a monastery than to have to deal with such extraordinarily maddening complexities as a relationship. It is by a long shot not worth the effort. It is REALLY not. There there is no worry about losing wealth, for instance, 'cause one has nothing by default, one just lives from alms. No need to worry about a significant other, or more loved ones in case of a family, 'cause one lives a life for oneself, and no other. No worries till the last breath. I cannot but warmly recommend this lifestyle for those of us who have a more truthful understanding of life.
This is just opting out and taking the easy path. You have a duty to continue the human race, whether through reproduction or contributions to the survival of others. You want to play pretend at being enlightened but in reality, you're ignoring problems instead of addressing them
Go for it. I want to do a similar thing.
It's energetically extremely valuable to practice meditation, for yourself and others.
@@rando5673 There's no such thing as duty. You let yourself be controlled by these obligations and expect others to be like you. Nothing really matters.