Wow, this is the first time I've heard a therapist describe the conversations i had with my ex husband to try to save our marriage that confirm i was handling it correctly. 20 years ago i didn't have a therapist to help me through it. Agreement to my face occurred, then gaslighting continued afterward, so after about 4 of these conversations with no results, the marriage ended. Thank you for explaining this in a video for the world to access, my greatest hope is to help someone realize their worth and start a conversation.
Calling someone love addict or codepedent only shames them and chances are they are already being shamed and made to feel faulty by their abusive partner. Many times I think people end up being what seems "codepedent". Because when they stand up for themselves they are hurt by their abusive partner. And things are so bad and he may get angry and snap at any little thing, so the other person gets mentally drained and tired and no longer have the energy to put up with bad behavior, because they are tired of bad and want things to be good for once. And that is not a healthy behavior, but by then they are too drained to do what is healthy, or they are trauma bonded and cannot get out.
There's a big difference between shaming someone and confronting them with compassion. Therapists who do not confront their clients and maintain a neutral position are not very effective. I have seen many of them. It was a waste of time and money.
Super super useful! While I really want to reject the terms "love addict" or "codependent", I recognize that those were the behaviors I was engaging in. I engaged in them to a great degree in my marriage, but also to a lesser degree in my recent relationship. This video helped me see how far I have come (I stood up for myself frequently, and mostly respectfully! I knew I was worthy!), it also clarified what is yet to be done (um, actually LEAVE before a year goes by if it sucks!) and gave me ideas on how to be 'fiercely intimate' in future relationships. Thank you! Bonus: Fierce Intimacy is available on audiobook from my library, and on my list to borrow.
I need time away after my wife and I became verbally and emotionally abusive towards each other and things are just chaotic. Kids (my step kids) have seen it and are scared. We’ve tried counseling, my wife has been away for a month, and still even just small text conversations blow up. I need a break to go be with family (out of state) and get therapy for myself, but my wife said if I go back the marriage is over.
this is also present in all gender orientation relationships, not just man and woman. extremely prevalent in lesbian relationships. also gay/queer communities. source: myself. also read carmen maria machado's "in the dream house'.
While that may seem like a reasonable answer to a problem for you (and some), you're being very inconsiderate, and insensitive to those who it's not that easy for. As if these people didn't have enough to deal with other than you coming on here telling them to do something most of them probably want to do anyway. You suck!
Yes, leaving is the simple answer. But let's be realistic. If you're living with somebody who you have to tiptoe around just to avoid setting them off during everyday circumstances, imagine how they're going to react when you try to leave. People like this will make your life a living hell and try to destroy you, mind, body, and soul. That's a huge leap of faith to take when you're already beaten down, exhausted, and living in survival mode 24/7. So most people just try to stick it out and focus on the person's good qualities, regardless of how few and far between those qualities are.
@chrtyhwrd It's very hard to leave. I'm not sure of your circumstances, so if you're able to get a therapist without your partner flipping out definitely do so and have them help you come up with an escape plan. If your partner will prevent you from getting a therapist you have to start by building up your confidence. Know that you are strong enough to survive in an abusive relationship you are definitely strong enough to do anything. Be prepared for your partner to tear you down mind, body and soul. Be prepared for them to gaslight the hell out of you and make it seem like you're leaving over something petty or you are cheating or whatever they can come up with to make you the mad guy. Be prepared for them to minimize any abuse they've put you through and make you feel like you're overreacting. Be prepared for them to talk all kinds of trash about you and probably post it all over social media. Don't worry about that, most people will be able to see right through their bullshit anyway so all they're doing is exposing themselves. It's going to be hard but you have to choose your battles wisely and let them talk all the crap they want. Save your energy for the things that matter like, keeping a journal and possibly recordings of their abuse. Making living arrangements, if there are kids involved, knowing the laws in regards to taking the kids out of an abusive household, letting family members know what's happening and having them on stand by in case you need help.❤ It's scary. But it's possible and you are worth it. ❤️
Wow! Such great, simplistic, easy to understand and to implement advice. Where have you been for 23 years? Lol. So, every hour he doesn’t work, he drinks and doesn’t eat. Hides in the man cave bc he knows I don’t agree (mom was an alcoholic). He then comes not the house, comes down off his buzz and gets grumpy. I feel drinking separates them from their true emotions. He’s a great provider and a good man. I worry it’s too late. So much resentment for choosing beer over me and our boys for so many years of begging him to stop. Was about to leave, then he got cancer, stopped drinking. Best time in our marriage. Gave me hope. Now he’s right back at it. Financially he supports me and my horse, while I get treated for cancer and oversee the care of my disabled brother. Your mention of abandonment hit home. Dad physically and mom emotionally. I guess I need to schedule our talks for weekend mornings. We went to therapy and the therapist finally said “he chooses not to do anything to fix it, quite frankly all he brings is income and you’d get half” 😳My memory sucks. I don’t think the therapist was the best, but not the worst. Hubby and I are both ADD which doesn’t help. Ugh!
Im 60 yrs old . My mom got Alzheimer's and i fear i will have Alzheimer's and he will treat me worse because of my forgetfulness will be verbally punished
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Wow, this is the first time I've heard a therapist describe the conversations i had with my ex husband to try to save our marriage that confirm i was handling it correctly. 20 years ago i didn't have a therapist to help me through it. Agreement to my face occurred, then gaslighting continued afterward, so after about 4 of these conversations with no results, the marriage ended. Thank you for explaining this in a video for the world to access, my greatest hope is to help someone realize their worth and start a conversation.
Beautifully said. Thank you for sharing a little bit of your story and it sounds like you are in a much healthier place now. Well done!
This video just saved my life as well as my children’s lives in so many ways. God always on time!
This comment made me incredibly happy. Thank you for sharing, and I am glad to hear you and your family are safe.
This is my life and it made me cry listening to this because it's all so true, and very helpful. Thank you ❤
Calling someone love addict or codepedent only shames them and chances are they are already being shamed and made to feel faulty by their abusive partner.
Many times I think people end up being what seems "codepedent". Because when they stand up for themselves they are hurt by their abusive partner. And things are so bad and he may get angry and snap at any little thing, so the other person gets mentally drained and tired and no longer have the energy to put up with bad behavior, because they are tired of bad and want things to be good for once.
And that is not a healthy behavior, but by then they are too drained to do what is healthy, or they are trauma bonded and cannot get out.
There's a big difference between shaming someone and confronting them with compassion. Therapists who do not confront their clients and maintain a neutral position are not very effective. I have seen many of them. It was a waste of time and money.
thanks for the blunt and honest delivery. it's nice to hear an expert lay out the truth without mincing words or using indirect language
I appreciate this, thank you.
This was so helpful
This was such insightful information. Feasible and practical to implement. Thank you so much.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Super super useful!
While I really want to reject the terms "love addict" or "codependent", I recognize that those were the behaviors I was engaging in. I engaged in them to a great degree in my marriage, but also to a lesser degree in my recent relationship. This video helped me see how far I have come (I stood up for myself frequently, and mostly respectfully! I knew I was worthy!), it also clarified what is yet to be done (um, actually LEAVE before a year goes by if it sucks!) and gave me ideas on how to be 'fiercely intimate' in future relationships. Thank you!
Bonus: Fierce Intimacy is available on audiobook from my library, and on my list to borrow.
I love this video by the way ❤
Thank you so much for the work you do and for sharing such important straight up facts about what you shouldn't put up with in relationships.
I need time away after my wife and I became verbally and emotionally abusive towards each other and things are just chaotic. Kids (my step kids) have seen it and are scared. We’ve tried counseling, my wife has been away for a month, and still even just small text conversations blow up. I need a break to go be with family (out of state) and get therapy for myself, but my wife said if I go back the marriage is over.
this is also present in all gender orientation relationships, not just man and woman. extremely prevalent in lesbian relationships. also gay/queer communities. source: myself. also read carmen maria machado's "in the dream house'.
You know what you’re talking about.
Simple answer...LEAVE.
While that may seem like a reasonable answer to a problem for you (and some), you're being very inconsiderate, and insensitive to those who it's not that easy for. As if these people didn't have enough to deal with other than you coming on here telling them to do something most of them probably want to do anyway. You suck!
It's hard to leave, I'm scared.
Yes, leaving is the simple answer. But let's be realistic. If you're living with somebody who you have to tiptoe around just to avoid setting them off during everyday circumstances, imagine how they're going to react when you try to leave.
People like this will make your life a living hell and try to destroy you, mind, body, and soul. That's a huge leap of faith to take when you're already beaten down, exhausted, and living in survival mode 24/7. So most people just try to stick it out and focus on the person's good qualities, regardless of how few and far between those qualities are.
@chrtyhwrd It's very hard to leave. I'm not sure of your circumstances, so if you're able to get a therapist without your partner flipping out definitely do so and have them help you come up with an escape plan.
If your partner will prevent you from getting a therapist you have to start by building up your confidence. Know that you are strong enough to survive in an abusive relationship you are definitely strong enough to do anything.
Be prepared for your partner to tear you down mind, body and soul. Be prepared for them to gaslight the hell out of you and make it seem like you're leaving over something petty or you are cheating or whatever they can come up with to make you the mad guy. Be prepared for them to minimize any abuse they've put you through and make you feel like you're overreacting. Be prepared for them to talk all kinds of trash about you and probably post it all over social media. Don't worry about that, most people will be able to see right through their bullshit anyway so all they're doing is exposing themselves.
It's going to be hard but you have to choose your battles wisely and let them talk all the crap they want. Save your energy for the things that matter like, keeping a journal and possibly recordings of their abuse. Making living arrangements, if there are kids involved, knowing the laws in regards to taking the kids out of an abusive household, letting family members know what's happening and having them on stand by in case you need help.❤ It's scary. But it's possible and you are worth it. ❤️
Wow! Such great, simplistic, easy to understand and to implement advice. Where have you been for 23 years? Lol. So, every hour he doesn’t work, he drinks and doesn’t eat. Hides in the man cave bc he knows I don’t agree (mom was an alcoholic). He then comes not the house, comes down off his buzz and gets grumpy. I feel drinking separates them from their true emotions. He’s a great provider and a good man. I worry it’s too late. So much resentment for choosing beer over me and our boys for so many years of begging him to stop. Was about to leave, then he got cancer, stopped drinking. Best time in our marriage. Gave me hope. Now he’s right back at it. Financially he supports me and my horse, while I get treated for cancer and oversee the care of my disabled brother. Your mention of abandonment hit home. Dad physically and mom emotionally. I guess I need to schedule our talks for weekend mornings. We went to therapy and the therapist finally said “he chooses not to do anything to fix it, quite frankly all he brings is income and you’d get half” 😳My memory sucks. I don’t think the therapist was the best, but not the worst. Hubby and I are both ADD which doesn’t help. Ugh!
Answer is DIVORCE😅
Im 60 yrs old . My mom got Alzheimer's and i fear i will have Alzheimer's and he will treat me worse because of my forgetfulness will be verbally punished