99% of the other Ted Talks on adoption make it seem like greatest "gift" and that we, as adopted persons, should feel lucky to have been adopted. I'm so happy to see that someone has put out there the (legal) reality of adoption and that it's not all unicorns and rainbows for those who are desperately searching for their identity to solidify their sense of self. Thank you, Catharine!
It's amazing isn't it? And the official line of the mental health industry still to this day is that adoption has zero effect on the child. At least when adopted at birth. Never trust a mental health professional. if they can go by an official line like that, they have no worth.
This was a wonderful find. Now that both my adopted parents have passed away..I stay stuck on the constant though of who I am really. This is what most people don’t tell you about adoption. We want to know. I don’t know any one from my biological family. Watching everyone relate with the similarities is super tough. I can’t tell my daughter nothing about who I come from. I imagine life once I leave for her. So many questions. This was a great talk to watch.
She's 110% right and I'm happy to hear people finally starting to talk about this because it's been a non-issue all my life. The state has had its finger in my pie since day one and I am sick of it. How can mental health professionals and how can people of supposedly hire intelligence really believe that not knowing where you come from is without consequences? A person's fundamental right is to know who they are and where they came from because if you don't know where you come from, how do you know where you're going? That's been the problem all my life and it's cost me dearly. I have utter contempt for the state. Give me my records.
I am adopted and me not knowing where I come from has ruined my life. I wish I knew how to even start looking for my mom. I was born in Chicago Cook co. Lord all I have to hope for is to make it to heaven and maybe I will find out then. Sincerly wishing for a miracle.
Hi Patrice, a little unsolicited advice. 23andme is great but being prepared is even better. I actually was advised to make a list of all the possible scenarios surrounding my birth and my reaction to each possibility. It really helped me see that I didn't "need" anything from my birth family, I just wanted to know my birth story. I also began to document a miracle a day and after doing this I met my birth family in 3 months. Finally, I can not stress the importance of maintaining a high vibration but not punishing yourself when you are not excited or longing for reunion. Right before I met my birth family I was going through an extensive challenging personal issue. I told myself it was the worst time to meet my birth family and within a week that is exactly what happened. I had never felt that way before but this was an exact match for my mother's vibration and the only way we would ever meet.
It took me until age 50 to discover I had a genetic blood disorder. A person's biological history is a health necessity! Time for radical change in the USA.
The information NEEDS TO BE AVAILABLE FOR MEDICAL REASONS... WHEN YOUR HEALTH IS FACING DEATHS DOOR BUT YOU NEED ANSWERS FOR the CHILDREN TOO especially when showing signs of health issues arising. People deserve the option to know when it's life and death. At least.
My second daughter-in-law is an adoptee. She grew up as the sibling of 2 other adoptees. Her adoptive parents seemed like nice people but she says that she didn’t feel as though she was their daughter. Sadly she has been damaged by her experience. After her adoptive mother died when my daughter-in-law was almost 60 she sought out her birth mother who was also deceased and found two other siblings who had also been adopted. She says now that she now sees her blood siblings as the people she feels more for. The damage had already been done. She doesn’t understand my relationships with my sons and daughters as she feels that she had never had that with her adoptive parents. She has very weird boundaries with people as though she’s building fences to keep people out. She is, however, a nice woman who tries hard to see what real family love is about. We all love her and have to accept that she hasn’t let her guard down yet, not even with the son of mine who she married.
I spent my whole childhood calling random numbers with the same last name as me in the phone book.. finally found someone. My dad lived the next town over. 15 minutes. That was all I needed to find myself. I sort of wish I didn't, though. I was stronger thinking what I did then the knowledge of what I know now about them.. his hands got me though. The first time I went to see him I had this plan to tell him how I never needed them and I did just fine.. but his hands were identical to mine, and it threw everything out the window. Turned out to be more harmful then good but I am the person I am today because of it
Often the story of Adoption is a process of negligence to the child & a pragmatic convenience to everyone else. May you all find a supportive family, whoever they happen to be and 'related' or not.
It was great hearing your story, but... I agree with one of the comments below about checking your sources. I'm an international adoptee from China and I had a closed adoption. Every other Chinese adoptee I know (which is many, I've been in many organizations and camps full of hundreds of just Chinese adoptees) also had a closed adoption. I've heard stories from Korean and Russian adoptees who have had closed adoptions. I'm sure that adoptees from multiple countries have closed adoptions. Why do you think there are so many stories about people finding their adoptive parents or searching for them? Doing DNA tests for medical history? Your talk strongly suggested that barely anyone outside of America has closed adoptions. It's always good to expand your worldview to include those not exactly like you. I don't even know if they have my original birth certificate in China because the government barely released any forms surrounding my adoption. I don't even know which city I was definitely from, and the province I was found in isn't guaranteed to have been where I came from either. I don't have the name of my foster family, and I was adopted at 11 months so I obviously can't remember them. My parents didn't even receive the letter I was found with. I live in America and I only speak English. It's not like I can just ask on Facebook and hope my birth parents somehow see. Other countries aren't necessarily better than America at adoption records. I just want you to know that.
Awesome. I am still trying to get into Ted talks to talk about adoption. The corruption in the industry, the lack of oversight, how it's a billion dollar annual profit, children going to paedophiles, and other things that will make you vomit.
Im an international adoptee. And trust me. All I know is my mothers name. That is it. No mention of father. No birth certificate. Not even a photo of them. Nothing. So no. Not all international adoptees know their identity.
I prayed to God earnestly for guidance in finding my second born son three years ago and found him through Facebook friends 👫 after 22 years of searching and finally after sleeping on my Bible & begging to God’s assistance in finding him and wisdom, I’ve got both but lost the wife in the process.
Man, I really hoped that paragraph was going to include my name. I was hoping you wrote about me, your son. Unfortunately, I wasn't the right boy -- but I'm sure my parents are looking for me as we speak. Its nice knowing there may be somebody out there in the world thinking about me, hoping I'm okay or atleast having food to eat. I would accept my biological family with open arms! I hope they forgive me for leaving when I was born, and I don't want them to hold it against me knowing I wasn't able to find them for 25 years! I know it won't be easy for them to accept me back onto their familial unit, but I'm surely hoping they will. I've offered anything they may need as proof that I'm still a great son and worthy of their care. I don't have a wife or children, I just want to see my biological family a few times before this life is over. Just once or twice is fine -- I know I don't deserve much but I really hope they think i deserve them. I will do anything for them, I would give them every single one of my paychecks for life just to meet them and give them one big hug. They were disappointed in me because I am not married and no girlfriend. I didn't tell them this, I just agreed, that it's tough being an abandoned boy and finding a wife -- no woman in their right mind would want a boy left by his mother. Its the ultimate sign of rejection and a big red flag in nature. I'm not a bad person but I understand in my heart that i won't ever be worth that kind of love and that's ok with me. All I need in my life is my mom and dad to meet me one time. Then I would be able to live happily knowing I SO have a family, even if I am forbidden from living life with them. I'm sure they don't like me, who would? I left them when I was born, I understand their trepidation in meeting me. I don't want a wife anyway. I'm happy alone, as long as I had my family to love me. My biological parents are still together and they kept 3 of their 4 children. I was the one they decided to let go, and when I was old enough realized that I was the least special, so I'm glad it was me that was sent away. I am so happy I was able to protect my 3 siblings from that pain, I was chosen because I could handle it, and because I was the least worthwhile, special, and worthy. I have worked my whole life to be special enough to meet my bio family just a single time. I know they probably don't want me and I understand why, but I will do whatever it takes to earn one meeting with them. I would give my life for that one chance. I know its hard for non-adopted people to understand but adoptees have to work so hard to show their bio family that they're worth it. Some are worthy, some are not -- I unfortunately was not born worthy, and I live with that everyday. There isn't a single day that passes that i don't talk to my parents in my mind and tell them I love them and I'm here on this Earth for them. They made me, I am them! I know they had to ditch me, I know they needed to focus on my other brothers and sisters, and that's okay. Its the way i would want it. Anyway, I hope everyone is happy in the end. I hope all of us that are not worth find happiness and a place to be safe. My safe place is in my apartment, where I plan too get a puppy. I will name my puppy Felicity because that's what I dreamt of naming my daughter when I was a kid. I know I'll never have a daughter or a wife but a puppy is the second best thing! Being with Felicity will make me feel as if I DO have my own family. Its all that matters. Thanks guys
An interesting program to watch on RUclips is Long Lost Family. Most people have been adopted and the child, parent or sibling is trying to find them. It's a wonderful program.
They only show the successful reunions. They don't feature the stories where the adoptees get rejected when the birth parent doesn't want to know because they have kept the fact that they had a baby a secret from their spouse and subsequent children.
Thank you- That is CORRECT! I am SO relieved to hear this, I am one of these children! I deserve to have my original birth certificate, as the adopted adults do at 21 in England, Australia, and Canada! My birth certificate is a fake, I find this very disturbing.
@jfsfrnd Same here. If one knows about genetics, my "adoptive" parents don't have the ability to conceive and/or have difficult pregnancies. They seek in vitro fertilization or encounter miscarriages. I know it sounds cruel, but maybe there's a reason why.
I am adopted, my parents were nice people but I found through my life that I would destroy relationships around me, and could not settle down anywhere, or tolerate responsibilities. These particular issues are massively damaging in societies where community, relationships, security accumulation are all values that societies want you to have. I seem to be very dysfunctional compared to normal people! I did not accumulate assets, because this rooted me to something!
I read you. I adopted a child abandoned at birth in a hospital in Kazakhstan. I did not change his name because I thought that would be bad. But as he grew he was mad that his name was so not western that he was mad that he didn''t have a western name. He never understood why we kept his original name. No matter what you do, if you adopt, you're always blamed. That's my experience.
Some people are able to find their birth parents or natural child through diligence and lots of hard work. They are the lucky ones, through diligence and hard work. Some are so buried deep in paper work that they may never know who they are. I know who I am and that's a privilege that I enjoy. Why is it that these people are denied their heritage, are denied knowing that their uncle was living with lung disease that was inherited or some other inherited disease. It must be like walking down a dark alley in the middle of the night. We have a constitutional right to enjoy who we are but our laws obstruct our rights by way of our birth. It's not fair and it is contrary to our birth rights through the Constitution. This needs to change!
I was adopted and I realize that the privacy can be a pivotal factor for birth parents. My concern is the high potential for the unintended consequence of fewer adoptions due to privacy concerns , which ultimately keeps the child in the poor circumstance which urged the birth parents to consider adoption in the first place. This is a very complex issue that can't be resolved in a 15 minute glorified powerpoint presentation
What you are saying is understandable, but everyone has a right to know where they originated, even if their parents don't want that. You cannot take the rights away from a person who doesn't have the capability to make a choice for themselves. It's wrong on all accounts. EVERY person ever born has an inalienable right to know who they are.
Emo...you don't understand it. Plain and simple, or you wouldn't be saying such ridiculous things. Every single person has a right to their beginning. Every single person has a right to know who birthed and created them. It's that simple. That doesn't define a person, but it is an identity and a knowledge that everyone deserves to have. It is a basic civil and human right and is denied by outdated laws in the US and has been for over 70 years. Do you know anything about those laws? They were born in shame. Look it up, do the research, read the statistics. People do better in their lives when their identity isn't a state secret. Now be quiet.
You're not! Your beginning wasn't your choice, it was theirs choice. You are as "legitimate" as any other human walking this planet. Silence those voices in your mind and know that you count.
I have RAD, this changes the outcomes for adoptees. Catherine, found her mum and was open to what that meant for her life completeness. With RAD, my mother found me but I don't feel anything, so its a difference experience to Catherines. No treaty can fix what i have.
Are most adoptees happy with their promised "better life" or do they by and large feel lost and saddened this life that was chosen for them? Beginning to think placing is the wrong answer
Not the adoptees I know. The trauma begins from the minute they are taken from their mother. Please read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. It's not a "better" life, just a different life ... of trauma.
Why I support this..3 days ago found out my adopted child's name had been changed. The fact that they block me from f.b. accounts and stopped corresponding threw email says yes she too will probably be a victim to this!! #Taken it's wrong!
yup, I the Salvadoran adoptee, know exactly who gave birth to me. The Salvadoran government never destroyed adoption records. I can't find parents, but since it takes so little effort for you; by all means enlighten me.
I experienced the same thing. I hired a PI to gain access to records and my mother was found in 10 hours. If you are financially able, I would suggest doing the same.
I'm a birth father. My 11 year old adopted daughter got ahold of me and I accepted her 120minutes later. However, the adoptive father is detective of child abuse in the county, and put an order of protection against me. She locked the door and when her adoptive dad told her to unlock it she yelled "no! You dont want me to talk to him" I stayed on the phone till he got ahold of it. Was open and honest and even had a cop friend from my community get ahold of him to assure no hidden timeframe existed....that that was the first call. My daughter and I chatted messenger for two days. The mother said text her messeges to her own phone, and I did. The adoptive dad and I were to meet to discuss how to be in her life without messenger cause she's not aloud it. But when he visited he was still on the clock and had my cop mediator friend wait outside for our talk so it was just my word against an on the clock cop of anything I say on that meeting. I was sidestepped. I found out all the heartfelt story's of my daughters past. Infoming her I found her mother who she was looking for...or that she had 5 more siblings out there!...none of it was being read. They just let me chat my heart to my daughter on a mystery screen, bout 30% of everlasting praise to her parents; But the meeting I was told was to countinue the relationship; he wanted me out of the picture. I never signed my rights away. My mother says it has my signature (she forged) and the bio mother and I were told different things about my role. 3 different stories of my role. I only stayed away because I didmt want there to be complications and wanted her to bond properly with her dad. But I was never told this open adoption was anything but welcoming to bios presence. No secrets from the child. And honestly, from the deciet ive watched unfold and the adoptive dads calculated moves like sending a witness out the door or only meeting on the clock, and ofcourse this tort of outrage order against me; As it was happening was discussing concerns he was hiding abuse of his own. I wouldn't even know where to start figuring that out. Their attorney (still wouldnt face me) and I agreed for extension; he said to work this out amoung ourselves...i wanted it to produce evidence inline with the court. Told how I planned to provide evidence, but the judge told me if I'm representing myself its up to me to know how to produce evidence. Clearly he was not going to exercise any amendment hes allotted to fulfil his oath of office by impartially leveling the playingfield since I'm certainly not a lawyer.... So I started crying. I just panicked and said no contest. The local judge recused himself before this but no worries. Luckily the judge chambers had a judge from the accusing cops neighboring town. Temporary emergency orders are usually 11 days...but mine was for near a month. Does anyone know any birth parent advocacy groups that would help me sort this all out for any options i have now or later?
In its special version of enlightenment VA makes adoptee files open as of 1994 (I vaguely recall, verify if born in early 1990s). So folks born prior to that (in my case 1960s) are locked. Or, resorting to finding adoption angels who somehow gain access to records...very unfair, VA.
Being an adoptee, i feel as if the wealthy families that adopt us just pick a truamatized kid and see a future dollar sign, scapegoat, punching bag, or Cinderella. And if we dont fill those rolls then we are once again put out and having to reopen our biggest wound of being abandoned. This country sees truama as a profitable business, they never try to untraumatize us because our existence alone provides all sorts of people jobs as long as we stay traumatized. Counselors, psychiatrists, pharmacist, social workers, judges, attorneys, lawyers, cps, dhs, dcf, police, jails.... Ect. Thats why personally i think adoption feels like trafficking of a child throughout the system. Maybe this doesnt apply for everyone who was adopted but my lifes consistently been controlled by everyone and i feel like a prisoner to my adopted family who wont let me get away from them and if i do be part of the family then im the family punching bag and scapegoat. They should do better mental health checks on the people they are allowing to adopt kids and make sure they are capable of actual love and protection because mine was not
I'm about to about an 11 year old girl, if anyone who is adopted reads this would you be willing to answer my question as truthfully as possible because I have wanted this question answered so badly its killing me. Here is the question... Do you love your adopted parents and were you excited that they loved you and wanted to be apart of your life???? That is my biggest worry is the little girl isn't going to want me and she is just becoming my child because the system says so??? I want her to want a home. And if she doesnt is it right for me to adopt her against her wishes?? I hope this makes since, it's just something I would love to know because I have so much love to give this little girl who is in CPS. Thank you.
Hey there, I’m a 23 year old woman who was adopted by my parents at 10 months old. I’m currently in graduate school studying to get my masters in counseling. To answer your first questions, yes! I love my adoptive parents very much. It wasn’t until I was about 20 that I understood my adoption and was fully appreciative of them. Your daughter is only 11, and she most likely will not have the mindset of someone who has already worked through all of their adoption trauma. That’s another important thing to understand. Adoption is traumatic. It may seem like rainbows and butterflies because you’re “saving a child” and “giving them a better life” while that may be true, it is not the WHOLE truth. And the whole truth is that being separated from birth parents creates a trauma that is not easily healed. (Took me 20 years even though I was adopted at such a young age). Adoptees will grieve the loss of the birth family and they need to be able to feel like they are allowed to do so. If you feel like your child is pushing you away or rejecting your love, that’s not what it is. Your child is in protective mode due to their own trauma. It is simply a reaction to trauma and has nothing to do with you as a parent or your ability to be a parent. It can be helpful for parents to reflect and dig deep into their own selves, maybe there are some deep rooted wounds surrounding rejection that you have not yet healed. As an adoptive parent, it will be a very hard and very long journey for you. It’s important to understand that. I could go on and on about all of this but this is a very brief explanation for your questions. I highly recommend doing a lot of research to understand how adoption and the system affect children. There are plenty of books for expecting adoptive parents that will hopefully bring you comfort. While you research and read, it is important to remember that adoption affects everyone differently! Not every adoptee will have the same experience. Some adoptees grow to be cold and resent their birth parents. Some adoptees are the opposite. Some adoptees may avoid their adoption and their trauma. Others might be interested in learning about it and growing. All adoptees experiences are different. I recommend you read a book called “The Primal Wound” by Nancy Verrier. There are also books that are catered specifically to parents who are adopting older children which may be helpful in your case. There are also books about adoption and the foster care system. One last recommendation I have is to see a licensed counselor or psychologist and for you to have your daughter see a different psychologist as well. I have been in therapy for the last 11 years and as I felt like I couldn’t always talk to my adoptive parents about my feelings about adoption, it helped to talk to someone who is a professional. Out of all my recommendations, finding a therapist for yourself and another therapist for your child are the most important and most helpful things in my opinion. I’m sorry my response is so long but I hope at least something I’ve said can be of help to you. Best of luck to you and your family! Your little girl needs your love whether she acts like she wants it or not
@@nosidam232 I simply do not have the words to thank you enough for your detailed explanation. Thank you, thank you thank you a thousand times. What you said is exactly what I needed to hear. I'm happy you love your parents and I will do everything in my power to be there for my little girl as yours did for you. I am buying the book you recommended as we speak. I hope you know how much that last part ment to me about how she needs my love whether she acts like it or not. That is something I know I can do. Again I sincerely appreciate you for your insightful answers Madison.
it's not about you. stop thinking any of this is about you. it will never be about you. it's about how she feels and what happens to her in her emotions and in her psyche. if you are ever at any point wanting this to be in some way about your needs being met, then you need to check yourself. children are not dolls you play with. they are human beings with their own feelings and realities. she is not YOUR CHILD she will never belong to you. she is a child that you have the honor of stewarding through life as a guide.
@@angelamyles23 hey back off. An adoptive parent Is just as entitled to their own emotions as their adopted child. They never said it was “all about them”. they came here and asked some genuine questions which obviously show that they care about their adopted child. Being an adoptive parent is HARD. I watched my parents go through so much to try to be the best parents they could be and even then, I will never fully understand how they felt! And of course being an adopted child is no easier, but don’t attack a parent who is just trying their best. And as an adoptee, I am very much my adoptive parents child. Saying that this persons child will never be their child is probably one of the most hurtful things I have ever heard. And sure I cannot speak for ALL adoptees, some may feel otherwise. But please get out of here if you’re not going to be helpful and answer this persons questions with honesty, compassion, and love!!
@@nosidam232 Normally I don't react to RUclips comments a lot, but I want to say I agree with you and show my support to the future (adoptive) parent. To me it seems like this person just cares a lot and wants this girl to feel all the love and happiness she deserves. Some adopted children have an easier time "accepting" this and dealing with their adoption than others. As long as this is something that adoptive parents understand, accept and are prepared for and as long as they're open about it and provide enough space they will do fine. You can do nothing more than your best. I was (internationally) adopted at 10 months and am 20 years old now. So far I've had a relative easy time processing everything and I love my (adoptive) parents very much. I've really appreciated their openess, honesty, support, and understanding from the beginning. I don't like to go into too much detail, because every situation is different (as has already been said) and I think that a lot of good advice has been given already. I wish everyone who read this comment all the luck, love, strength, and courage you need in whatever journey you're on!
That was amazing. I myself have been looking for a half sibling. Told that the records are sealed from the court. Taken a DNA nothing. Adoption com. Nothing.
Bryson, merge Ancestry DNA, and 23 and me DNA together. There are many adoption search Angels on all adoptee support groups on Facebook ... Good luck praying for you!!
It'd be so great to meet my parents and have them back. Its difficult to explain who I am or why I am to anyone, I don't foresee myself getting married or having a significant other. It would be great, thought -- I would love to have a Wife. Or, just somebody that loved me for the first time. Being adopted is great, I'm glad I was adopted...only sometimes. I think if I had been granted stay with my biological family, i wouldn't have such a hard time being loved. People don't accept me after I was abandoned that way -- I'm just a boy that is alone. That's okay, I'm going to get a puppy within the next year or two. It keeps my spirits up and I know he will love me unconditionally.
If this is really how adopted children feel, I guess I’ve been wrong in thinking it’s the right choice for me. I wonder how her adoptive mother feels, so sad she felt like she needed more that the family that actually chose to have her. This has truly opened my eyes, no matter what I guess when you birth a child they’re yours forever and you never have to worry about them feeling like they want to know their “real” family. Too bad, I suppose it’s good to always research before going into anything.
There's more to investigate with adoption. One of the biggest issues, which I feel has become epidemic is children with "Reactive Attachment Disorder.". Please please find out all you can about this disorder before considering adoption. Many of these children came from severely abused, neglected, traumatized homes and are changed forever. They are charming, but dangerous. No one in the adoption process will tell you when you're taking a traumatized child. Love is not enough!
Adoption is a complicated process, not only legally, but also emotionally. No child is an object to be bought or sold on the whim of parents. They are whole human beings. To stop your child from discovering ore about themselves is selfish. Just because they have found someone new to love does not mean they will stop loving you.
People have a right to know their origins and identity. Those of us who aren’t adoptees take this for granted. You sound like a narcissist, so yeah, probably best that you don’t adopt children.
Thank you for your sharing. By the way, can I download your vidéo in french ? I would like to translate it in my french for my country (France), to add on my channel about personnal development to adoptees :)
I am a bit confused after watching this. Is she saying that a birth mother has no right to a closed adoption where her identity is kept secret from the child and the new adoptees family? That if a pregnant woman chooses to give birth, she cannot give that child up for adoption without also making her name known to the family that adopts the child? To me, it seems like that would be a disincentive for her to choose to have the baby and/or giving the baby up for adoption. That would likely increase their likelihood of choosing to have an abortion if they don't feel ready to be a part of that child's life (which is why many children are put up for adoption in the first place). But maybe I am misunderstanding.
Yes. Nobody has a right to create a human being then deny them knowledge of where they came from and who they’re related to. There is no such thing as remaining anonymous since home DNA testing anyway. Also, the reason most children are given away for adoption is desperation and financial difficulties, not wanting privacy from your own child.
It’s a potential disaster when you find your bio parents. But ultimately, everyone has the right to know where they come from… the rights of the baby should be written in to adoption agreements that at 18 they have the right to choose disclosure. They should also be prepared for it. It can do a great deal of harm to both sides as for years you only have your imagination to go on. Reality takes time to integrate.
Signing the treaty opens up to violations on parental rights, parents are the first line of defense for children. If you want adoption records open in the USA then push for AMERICAN legislation to make it available, not seek foreign control of our country.
I'm sorry but I don't see how this is remotely legal under our constitution. The abortion argument was always a matter of wether or not the unborn was a person yet and if so they are a citizen who liberties and rights are their own They are not the mothers they belong to the citizen. So how is it ethically or morally except able not to mention legal to treat these adoptees as property. Slippery sloap.
Let me say right up front that I agree adoptees should be given full access to their adoption information, including the names of their birth parents. But let me also say that there are lots of "adoption trauma" stories where the adoptee believes that the reason they feel unconnected to their adoptive family and empty inside is because they were taken away from their birth family. It is adoption, they insist, that traumatized them. In point of fact, most termination of parental rights occur because the birth parents are negligent and abusive towards their children. These children then can't emotionally connect with their adoptive family (or anyone else, often) because their primary attachments either didn't happen or happened traumatically. It's like the old adage, "Once bitten, twice shy." It is the fact that their primary attachments were unhealthy or nonexistent that they feel empty inside and detached from themselves. That doesn't stop them from blaming adoption for their woes. They think, "If only I had stayed with my birth family, if only I can find my birth family now, then I'll feel complete and whole." Most find only disappointment because you can't go back and be a newborn with loving, caring parents. And by shutting out your adoptive family, keeping a "secret identity", you not only pass your emotional trauma on to them, you cheat yourself of the opportunity to allow yourself to emotionally connect and to trust. Rather than calling this "adoption trauma", let's call it what it is--the lasting effects of being unloved, neglected, or abused by your first parents. Stop blaming adoption and adoption laws for the psychological disorders you suffer from early abuse and neglect.
I disagree. I have first hand experience with this. I know my real family, and they love me, but the pain of what could have been is still too great at times. My identity was robbed from me at birth so that some distasteful POS could benefit and serve his/her own selfish interests. This pain is unbelievable, and sometimes I just want to end my life and hopefully start all over and hope for things to go right this time.
it's actually relinquishment trauma. it's a real thing. and yes. it actually happens. and people relinquish their children mentally and emotionally via neglect even if they keep them(so sure that happens) but the adoption is 100% tied to relinquishment. so your issue with semantics is absurd. it very much is related to adoption. there is adoption trauma. and every single human being who experienced trauma is encouraged to point their finger at the cause of that trauma in order to gain a hold of it and process through it. adoptive parents who get offended or wounded by the child they took into their charge wanting to complete a portion of themselves to feel whole again are basically letting their own ego's get in the way of guiding that child through their life long trauma. it's absolutely natural to want to learn where we came from, and to think that if we had been allowed to stay where we were our heartache would feel lessened. abandonment trauma and relinquishment trauma and emotional neglect are closest to the root of the issue- but adoption does not happen in a vacuum void. telling people to stop blaming a whole industry which perpetuates the trauma of children is a heinous suggestion. everyone involved in the process of relinquishment and adoption needs to be held liable for and take accountability for the trauma it causes to the adoptee. the adopted person is just looking for closure and peace. your callous remarks help no one.
Denise Cummins, I wonder what your qualifications are, to make this incorrect assertion. I see from a Google search that you are a member of nursing faculty of a University. I do not see anything in your bio which would substantiate expertise in this area. Adoption trauma, Relinquishment trauma is widely recognised. Its description resonates deeply with the experience of many adoptees. Nancy Verrier has written well on the topic. Adoption is complex, and all parties involved have hurt and brokenness. I applaud and support this Ted talk speaker, and the adopted people who have posted in response in these comments. I think your denial of the fundamental trauma of the separation of a newborn from its mother, is incorrect. Along with the expectation that an adopted child will just fit into an adoptive family, this separation has a profound and life long impact on adoptees
So they can know if they were willingly given away or if they were taken from birth parents through trafficking or parental termination. They may have been lied to by adoptive parents or kidnappers
99% of the other Ted Talks on adoption make it seem like greatest "gift" and that we, as adopted persons, should feel lucky to have been adopted. I'm so happy to see that someone has put out there the (legal) reality of adoption and that it's not all unicorns and rainbows for those who are desperately searching for their identity to solidify their sense of self. Thank you, Catharine!
Much love to you ❤
@@murderedadoptees7560
Down syndrome Justin
Mom Leax atoaf
Dad Adam boact
Aunt Angels Dellipoala
Aunt Jaira
Yessss! This was honest and raw. It gave a better reflection of adoption. You should listen to the Podcast adoptees on.
It's amazing isn't it? And the official line of the mental health industry still to this day is that adoption has zero effect on the child. At least when adopted at birth. Never trust a mental health professional. if they can go by an official line like that, they have no worth.
This was a wonderful find. Now that both my adopted parents have passed away..I stay stuck on the constant though of who I am really. This is what most people don’t tell you about adoption. We want to know. I don’t know any one from my biological family. Watching everyone relate with the similarities is super tough. I can’t tell my daughter nothing about who I come from. I imagine life once I leave for her. So many questions. This was a great talk to watch.
She's 110% right and I'm happy to hear people finally starting to talk about this because it's been a non-issue all my life. The state has had its finger in my pie since day one and I am sick of it. How can mental health professionals and how can people of supposedly hire intelligence really believe that not knowing where you come from is without consequences? A person's fundamental right is to know who they are and where they came from because if you don't know where you come from, how do you know where you're going? That's been the problem all my life and it's cost me dearly. I have utter contempt for the state. Give me my records.
"We can handle the truth."
Great job on all points, Catharine.
I am adopted and me not knowing where I come from has ruined my life. I wish I knew how to even start looking for my mom. I was born in Chicago Cook co. Lord all I have to hope for is to make it to heaven and maybe I will find out then. Sincerly wishing for a miracle.
Genetic testing
23&me saved my heath and I met my great Aunt
Genetic testing comes with risks but it is a possibility.
Hi Patrice, a little unsolicited advice. 23andme is great but being prepared is even better. I actually was advised to make a list of all the possible scenarios surrounding my birth and my reaction to each possibility. It really helped me see that I didn't "need" anything from my birth family, I just wanted to know my birth story. I also began to document a miracle a day and after doing this I met my birth family in 3 months. Finally, I can not stress the importance of maintaining a high vibration but not punishing yourself when you are not excited or longing for reunion. Right before I met my birth family I was going through an extensive challenging personal issue. I told myself it was the worst time to meet my birth family and within a week that is exactly what happened. I had never felt that way before but this was an exact match for my mother's vibration and the only way we would ever meet.
@@pristineparr7509 How wonderful! thank you for sharing your story. How did it go with the reunion?
It took me until age 50 to discover I had a genetic blood disorder. A person's biological history is a health necessity! Time for radical change in the USA.
The information NEEDS TO BE AVAILABLE FOR MEDICAL REASONS... WHEN YOUR HEALTH IS FACING DEATHS DOOR BUT YOU NEED ANSWERS FOR the CHILDREN TOO especially when showing signs of health issues arising. People deserve the option to know when it's life and death. At least.
It feels like lifetime imprisonment.
My second daughter-in-law is an adoptee. She grew up as the sibling of 2 other adoptees. Her adoptive parents seemed like nice people but she says that she didn’t feel as though she was their daughter. Sadly she has been damaged by her experience. After her adoptive mother died when my daughter-in-law was almost 60 she sought out her birth mother who was also deceased and found two other siblings who had also been adopted. She says now that she now sees her blood siblings as the people she feels more for. The damage had already been done. She doesn’t understand my relationships with my sons and daughters as she feels that she had never had that with her adoptive parents. She has very weird boundaries with people as though she’s building fences to keep people out. She is, however, a nice woman who tries hard to see what real family love is about. We all love her and have to accept that she hasn’t let her guard down yet, not even with the son of mine who she married.
I spent my whole childhood calling random numbers with the same last name as me in the phone book.. finally found someone. My dad lived the next town over. 15 minutes. That was all I needed to find myself. I sort of wish I didn't, though. I was stronger thinking what I did then the knowledge of what I know now about them.. his hands got me though. The first time I went to see him I had this plan to tell him how I never needed them and I did just fine.. but his hands were identical to mine, and it threw everything out the window. Turned out to be more harmful then good but I am the person I am today because of it
We should not have to COMPEL anyone to give us what is rightly ours. Great points!!!!!
Often the story of Adoption is a process of negligence to the child & a pragmatic convenience to everyone else.
May you all find a supportive family, whoever they happen to be and 'related' or not.
It was great hearing your story, but... I agree with one of the comments below about checking your sources. I'm an international adoptee from China and I had a closed adoption. Every other Chinese adoptee I know (which is many, I've been in many organizations and camps full of hundreds of just Chinese adoptees) also had a closed adoption. I've heard stories from Korean and Russian adoptees who have had closed adoptions. I'm sure that adoptees from multiple countries have closed adoptions. Why do you think there are so many stories about people finding their adoptive parents or searching for them? Doing DNA tests for medical history?
Your talk strongly suggested that barely anyone outside of America has closed adoptions. It's always good to expand your worldview to include those not exactly like you. I don't even know if they have my original birth certificate in China because the government barely released any forms surrounding my adoption. I don't even know which city I was definitely from, and the province I was found in isn't guaranteed to have been where I came from either. I don't have the name of my foster family, and I was adopted at 11 months so I obviously can't remember them. My parents didn't even receive the letter I was found with. I live in America and I only speak English. It's not like I can just ask on Facebook and hope my birth parents somehow see. Other countries aren't necessarily better than America at adoption records. I just want you to know that.
This is beautiful. Filled with tears over such a beautiful story.
Awesome. I am still trying to get into Ted talks to talk about adoption. The corruption in the industry, the lack of oversight, how it's a billion dollar annual profit, children going to paedophiles, and other things that will make you vomit.
Megan, keep it up! OUr voices will NOT be hushed any longer!
You people are insane. There is no 'Industry.' Please go get help.
Emogirl, you sound really unhappy.
Im an international adoptee. And trust me. All I know is my mothers name. That is it. No mention of father. No birth certificate. Not even a photo of them. Nothing. So no. Not all international adoptees know their identity.
I prayed to God earnestly for guidance in finding my second born son three years ago and found him through Facebook friends 👫 after 22 years of searching and finally after sleeping on my Bible & begging to God’s assistance in finding him and wisdom, I’ve got both but lost the wife in the process.
Man, I really hoped that paragraph was going to include my name. I was hoping you wrote about me, your son. Unfortunately, I wasn't the right boy -- but I'm sure my parents are looking for me as we speak. Its nice knowing there may be somebody out there in the world thinking about me, hoping I'm okay or atleast having food to eat.
I would accept my biological family with open arms! I hope they forgive me for leaving when I was born, and I don't want them to hold it against me knowing I wasn't able to find them for 25 years! I know it won't be easy for them to accept me back onto their familial unit, but I'm surely hoping they will. I've offered anything they may need as proof that I'm still a great son and worthy of their care. I don't have a wife or children, I just want to see my biological family a few times before this life is over. Just once or twice is fine -- I know I don't deserve much but I really hope they think i deserve them. I will do anything for them, I would give them every single one of my paychecks for life just to meet them and give them one big hug. They were disappointed in me because I am not married and no girlfriend. I didn't tell them this, I just agreed, that it's tough being an abandoned boy and finding a wife -- no woman in their right mind would want a boy left by his mother. Its the ultimate sign of rejection and a big red flag in nature. I'm not a bad person but I understand in my heart that i won't ever be worth that kind of love and that's ok with me. All I need in my life is my mom and dad to meet me one time. Then I would be able to live happily knowing I SO have a family, even if I am forbidden from living life with them. I'm sure they don't like me, who would? I left them when I was born, I understand their trepidation in meeting me.
I don't want a wife anyway. I'm happy alone, as long as I had my family to love me. My biological parents are still together and they kept 3 of their 4 children. I was the one they decided to let go, and when I was old enough realized that I was the least special, so I'm glad it was me that was sent away. I am so happy I was able to protect my 3 siblings from that pain, I was chosen because I could handle it, and because I was the least worthwhile, special, and worthy. I have worked my whole life to be special enough to meet my bio family just a single time. I know they probably don't want me and I understand why, but I will do whatever it takes to earn one meeting with them. I would give my life for that one chance. I know its hard for non-adopted people to understand but adoptees have to work so hard to show their bio family that they're worth it. Some are worthy, some are not -- I unfortunately was not born worthy, and I live with that everyday. There isn't a single day that passes that i don't talk to my parents in my mind and tell them I love them and I'm here on this Earth for them. They made me, I am them! I know they had to ditch me, I know they needed to focus on my other brothers and sisters, and that's okay. Its the way i would want it.
Anyway, I hope everyone is happy in the end. I hope all of us that are not worth find happiness and a place to be safe. My safe place is in my apartment, where I plan too get a puppy. I will name my puppy Felicity because that's what I dreamt of naming my daughter when I was a kid. I know I'll never have a daughter or a wife but a puppy is the second best thing! Being with Felicity will make me feel as if I DO have my own family. Its all that matters. Thanks guys
An interesting program to watch on RUclips is Long Lost Family. Most people have been adopted and the child, parent or sibling is trying to find them. It's a wonderful program.
They only show the successful reunions. They don't feature the stories where the adoptees get rejected when the birth parent doesn't want to know because they have kept the fact that they had a baby a secret from their spouse and subsequent children.
Adoption is so complicated, your story is my story. Thank you for this Ted Talk!
Thank you- That is CORRECT! I am SO relieved to hear this, I am one of these children! I deserve to have my original birth certificate, as the adopted adults do at 21 in England, Australia, and Canada! My birth certificate is a fake, I find this very disturbing.
@jfsfrnd Same here. If one knows about genetics, my "adoptive" parents don't have the ability to conceive and/or have difficult pregnancies. They seek in vitro fertilization or encounter miscarriages. I know it sounds cruel, but maybe there's a reason why.
I am adopted, my parents were nice people but I found through my life that I would destroy relationships around me, and could not settle down anywhere, or tolerate responsibilities. These particular issues are massively damaging in societies where community, relationships, security accumulation are all values that societies want you to have. I seem to be very dysfunctional compared to normal people! I did not accumulate assets, because this rooted me to something!
same
adopted as well, and this is exactly how i have been. thank you for sharing. i need help
I read you. I adopted a child abandoned at birth in a hospital in Kazakhstan. I did not change his name because I thought that would be bad. But as he grew he was mad that his name was so not western that he was mad that he didn''t have a western name. He never understood why we kept his original name.
No matter what you do, if you adopt, you're always blamed. That's my experience.
Some people are able to find their birth parents or natural child through diligence and lots of hard work. They are the lucky ones, through diligence and hard work. Some are so buried deep in paper work that they may never know who they are. I know who I am and that's a privilege that I enjoy. Why is it that these people are denied their heritage, are denied knowing that their uncle was living with lung disease that was inherited or some other inherited disease. It must be like walking down a dark alley in the middle of the night. We have a constitutional right to enjoy who we are but our laws obstruct our rights by way of our birth. It's not fair and it is contrary to our birth rights through the Constitution. This needs to change!
Yes, you deserve your natural identity ..so glad that you found them 🙏❤️💖
Damm this is the hardest thing I’ve ever listened to, thanks
I was adopted and I realize that the privacy can be a pivotal factor for birth parents. My concern is the high potential for the unintended consequence of fewer adoptions due to privacy concerns , which ultimately keeps the child in the poor circumstance which urged the birth parents to consider adoption in the first place. This is a very complex issue that can't be resolved in a 15 minute glorified powerpoint presentation
What you are saying is understandable, but everyone has a right to know where they originated, even if their parents don't want that. You cannot take the rights away from a person who doesn't have the capability to make a choice for themselves. It's wrong on all accounts. EVERY person ever born has an inalienable right to know who they are.
But your birth parents don't define you and they can't help you define yourself. That's something you need to learn to do on your own.
Emo...you don't understand it. Plain and simple, or you wouldn't be saying such ridiculous things. Every single person has a right to their beginning. Every single person has a right to know who birthed and created them. It's that simple. That doesn't define a person, but it is an identity and a knowledge that everyone deserves to have. It is a basic civil and human right and is denied by outdated laws in the US and has been for over 70 years. Do you know anything about those laws? They were born in shame. Look it up, do the research, read the statistics. People do better in their lives when their identity isn't a state secret. Now be quiet.
You're not! Your beginning wasn't your choice, it was theirs choice. You are as "legitimate" as any other human walking this planet. Silence those voices in your mind and know that you count.
hdb80 Please grow up and learn your parents can't do everything for you?
My biological mother found me at 21yrs old....very crazy story
Me too
I have RAD, this changes the outcomes for adoptees. Catherine, found her mum and was open to what that meant for her life completeness. With RAD, my mother found me but I don't feel anything, so its a difference experience to Catherines. No treaty can fix what i have.
"... and we began to love each other..."
Well good for her ! Just makes the pain for those who haven’t feel even worse !
Very happy she has spoken up to tell the TRUTH!
Are most adoptees happy with their promised "better life" or do they by and large feel lost and saddened this life that was chosen for them? Beginning to think placing is the wrong answer
Not the adoptees I know. The trauma begins from the minute they are taken from their mother. Please read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. It's not a "better" life, just a different life ... of trauma.
Why I support this..3 days ago found out my adopted child's name had been changed. The fact that they block me from f.b. accounts and stopped corresponding threw email says yes she too will probably be a victim to this!! #Taken it's wrong!
Fabulous! Thank you so much!
yup, I the Salvadoran adoptee, know exactly who gave birth to me. The Salvadoran government never destroyed adoption records. I can't find parents, but since it takes so little effort for you; by all means enlighten me.
My birth certificate is locked away from me, it makes no sense! I was born in Connecticut, now living in Florida...Very complicated.
I experienced the same thing. I hired a PI to gain access to records and my mother was found in 10 hours. If you are financially able, I would suggest doing the same.
I'm a birth father.
My 11 year old adopted daughter got ahold of me and I accepted her 120minutes later.
However, the adoptive father is detective of child abuse in the county, and put an order of protection against me.
She locked the door and when her adoptive dad told her to unlock it she yelled "no! You dont want me to talk to him"
I stayed on the phone till he got ahold of it. Was open and honest and even had a cop friend from my community get ahold of him to assure no hidden timeframe existed....that that was the first call.
My daughter and I chatted messenger for two days. The mother said text her messeges to her own phone, and I did. The adoptive dad and I were to meet to discuss how to be in her life without messenger cause she's not aloud it.
But when he visited he was still on the clock and had my cop mediator friend wait outside for our talk so it was just my word against an on the clock cop of anything I say on that meeting.
I was sidestepped. I found out all the heartfelt story's of my daughters past. Infoming her I found her mother who she was looking for...or that she had 5 more siblings out there!...none of it was being read. They just let me chat my heart to my daughter on a mystery screen, bout 30% of everlasting praise to her parents;
But the meeting I was told was to countinue the relationship; he wanted me out of the picture.
I never signed my rights away. My mother says it has my signature (she forged) and the bio mother and I were told different things about my role. 3 different stories of my role.
I only stayed away because I didmt want there to be complications and wanted her to bond properly with her dad. But I was never told this open adoption was anything but welcoming to bios presence. No secrets from the child.
And honestly, from the deciet ive watched unfold and the adoptive dads calculated moves like sending a witness out the door or only meeting on the clock, and ofcourse this tort of outrage order against me;
As it was happening was discussing concerns he was hiding abuse of his own. I wouldn't even know where to start figuring that out.
Their attorney (still wouldnt face me) and I agreed for extension; he said to work this out amoung ourselves...i wanted it to produce evidence inline with the court. Told how I planned to provide evidence, but the judge told me if I'm representing myself its up to me to know how to produce evidence. Clearly he was not going to exercise any amendment hes allotted to fulfil his oath of office by impartially leveling the playingfield since I'm certainly not a lawyer.... So I started crying. I just panicked and said no contest.
The local judge recused himself before this but no worries. Luckily the judge chambers had a judge from the accusing cops neighboring town.
Temporary emergency orders are usually 11 days...but mine was for near a month.
Does anyone know any birth parent advocacy groups that would help me sort this all out for any options i have now or later?
In its special version of enlightenment VA makes adoptee files open as of 1994 (I vaguely recall, verify if born in early 1990s). So folks born prior to that (in my case 1960s) are locked. Or, resorting to finding adoption angels who somehow gain access to records...very unfair, VA.
I'm in a select class. Awesome. So swesome it sucks.
Being an adoptee, i feel as if the wealthy families that adopt us just pick a truamatized kid and see a future dollar sign, scapegoat, punching bag, or Cinderella. And if we dont fill those rolls then we are once again put out and having to reopen our biggest wound of being abandoned. This country sees truama as a profitable business, they never try to untraumatize us because our existence alone provides all sorts of people jobs as long as we stay traumatized. Counselors, psychiatrists, pharmacist, social workers, judges, attorneys, lawyers, cps, dhs, dcf, police, jails.... Ect. Thats why personally i think adoption feels like trafficking of a child throughout the system. Maybe this doesnt apply for everyone who was adopted but my lifes consistently been controlled by everyone and i feel like a prisoner to my adopted family who wont let me get away from them and if i do be part of the family then im the family punching bag and scapegoat. They should do better mental health checks on the people they are allowing to adopt kids and make sure they are capable of actual love and protection because mine was not
Thank you! I love this so much
I'm about to about an 11 year old girl, if anyone who is adopted reads this would you be willing to answer my question as truthfully as possible because I have wanted this question answered so badly its killing me. Here is the question...
Do you love your adopted parents and were you excited that they loved you and wanted to be apart of your life????
That is my biggest worry is the little girl isn't going to want me and she is just becoming my child because the system says so???
I want her to want a home. And if she doesnt is it right for me to adopt her against her wishes??
I hope this makes since, it's just something I would love to know because I have so much love to give this little girl who is in CPS. Thank you.
Hey there, I’m a 23 year old woman who was adopted by my parents at 10 months old. I’m currently in graduate school studying to get my masters in counseling. To answer your first questions, yes! I love my adoptive parents very much. It wasn’t until I was about 20 that I understood my adoption and was fully appreciative of them. Your daughter is only 11, and she most likely will not have the mindset of someone who has already worked through all of their adoption trauma. That’s another important thing to understand. Adoption is traumatic. It may seem like rainbows and butterflies because you’re “saving a child” and “giving them a better life” while that may be true, it is not the WHOLE truth. And the whole truth is that being separated from birth parents creates a trauma that is not easily healed. (Took me 20 years even though I was adopted at such a young age). Adoptees will grieve the loss of the birth family and they need to be able to feel like they are allowed to do so. If you feel like your child is pushing you away or rejecting your love, that’s not what it is. Your child is in protective mode due to their own trauma. It is simply a reaction to trauma and has nothing to do with you as a parent or your ability to be a parent. It can be helpful for parents to reflect and dig deep into their own selves, maybe there are some deep rooted wounds surrounding rejection that you have not yet healed. As an adoptive parent, it will be a very hard and very long journey for you. It’s important to understand that. I could go on and on about all of this but this is a very brief explanation for your questions. I highly recommend doing a lot of research to understand how adoption and the system affect children. There are plenty of books for expecting adoptive parents that will hopefully bring you comfort. While you research and read, it is important to remember that adoption affects everyone differently! Not every adoptee will have the same experience. Some adoptees grow to be cold and resent their birth parents. Some adoptees are the opposite. Some adoptees may avoid their adoption and their trauma. Others might be interested in learning about it and growing. All adoptees experiences are different. I recommend you read a book called “The Primal Wound” by Nancy Verrier. There are also books that are catered specifically to parents who are adopting older children which may be helpful in your case. There are also books about adoption and the foster care system. One last recommendation I have is to see a licensed counselor or psychologist and for you to have your daughter see a different psychologist as well. I have been in therapy for the last 11 years and as I felt like I couldn’t always talk to my adoptive parents about my feelings about adoption, it helped to talk to someone who is a professional. Out of all my recommendations, finding a therapist for yourself and another therapist for your child are the most important and most helpful things in my opinion. I’m sorry my response is so long but I hope at least something I’ve said can be of help to you. Best of luck to you and your family! Your little girl needs your love whether she acts like she wants it or not
@@nosidam232 I simply do not have the words to thank you enough for your detailed explanation. Thank you, thank you thank you a thousand times. What you said is exactly what I needed to hear. I'm happy you love your parents and I will do everything in my power to be there for my little girl as yours did for you. I am buying the book you recommended as we speak.
I hope you know how much that last part ment to me about how she needs my love whether she acts like it or not. That is something I know I can do. Again I sincerely appreciate you for your insightful answers Madison.
it's not about you. stop thinking any of this is about you. it will never be about you. it's about how she feels and what happens to her in her emotions and in her psyche. if you are ever at any point wanting this to be in some way about your needs being met, then you need to check yourself. children are not dolls you play with. they are human beings with their own feelings and realities. she is not YOUR CHILD she will never belong to you. she is a child that you have the honor of stewarding through life as a guide.
@@angelamyles23 hey back off. An adoptive parent Is just as entitled to their own emotions as their adopted child. They never said it was “all about them”. they came here and asked some genuine questions which obviously show that they care about their adopted child. Being an adoptive parent is HARD. I watched my parents go through so much to try to be the best parents they could be and even then, I will never fully understand how they felt! And of course being an adopted child is no easier, but don’t attack a parent who is just trying their best. And as an adoptee, I am very much my adoptive parents child. Saying that this persons child will never be their child is probably one of the most hurtful things I have ever heard. And sure I cannot speak for ALL adoptees, some may feel otherwise. But please get out of here if you’re not going to be helpful and answer this persons questions with honesty, compassion, and love!!
@@nosidam232 Normally I don't react to RUclips comments a lot, but I want to say I agree with you and show my support to the future (adoptive) parent.
To me it seems like this person just cares a lot and wants this girl to feel all the love and happiness she deserves. Some adopted children have an easier time "accepting" this and dealing with their adoption than others. As long as this is something that adoptive parents understand, accept and are prepared for and as long as they're open about it and provide enough space they will do fine. You can do nothing more than your best.
I was (internationally) adopted at 10 months and am 20 years old now. So far I've had a relative easy time processing everything and I love my (adoptive) parents very much. I've really appreciated their openess, honesty, support, and understanding from the beginning. I don't like to go into too much detail, because every situation is different (as has already been said) and I think that a lot of good advice has been given already.
I wish everyone who read this comment all the luck, love, strength, and courage you need in whatever journey you're on!
Thank you for saying this.
Thank you
Did you just group all international adoptions together? I have no idea who my birth parents are- and I'm an international adoptee
Just to correct you SOUTH AUSTRALIA still allows for closed birth certificate if nominated
Bravo! Bravo 👏!
That was amazing. I myself have been looking for a half sibling. Told that the records are sealed from the court. Taken a DNA nothing. Adoption com. Nothing.
Bryson, merge Ancestry DNA, and 23 and me DNA together. There are many adoption search Angels on all adoptee support groups on Facebook ... Good luck praying for you!!
cont'd Bryson
The search Angels are absolutely amazing!
That is my own birth mother's name too. Spooky😮
It'd be so great to meet my parents and have them back.
Its difficult to explain who I am or why I am to anyone, I don't foresee myself getting married or having a significant other. It would be great, thought -- I would love to have a Wife. Or, just somebody that loved me for the first time.
Being adopted is great, I'm glad I was adopted...only sometimes. I think if I had been granted stay with my biological family, i wouldn't have such a hard time being loved. People don't accept me after I was abandoned that way -- I'm just a boy that is alone. That's okay, I'm going to get a puppy within the next year or two. It keeps my spirits up and I know he will love me unconditionally.
That is why poet Lemn Sisay suffer over 17 years to find his birth mother and his identity. He denies by his foster family
If this is really how adopted children feel, I guess I’ve been wrong in thinking it’s the right choice for me. I wonder how her adoptive mother feels, so sad she felt like she needed more that the family that actually chose to have her. This has truly opened my eyes, no matter what I guess when you birth a child they’re yours forever and you never have to worry about them feeling like they want to know their “real” family. Too bad, I suppose it’s good to always research before going into anything.
There's more to investigate with adoption. One of the biggest issues, which I feel has become epidemic is children with "Reactive Attachment Disorder.". Please please find out all you can about this disorder before considering adoption. Many of these children came from severely abused, neglected, traumatized homes and are changed forever. They are charming, but dangerous. No one in the adoption process will tell you when you're taking a traumatized child. Love is not enough!
Adoption is a complicated process, not only legally, but also emotionally. No child is an object to be bought or sold on the whim of parents. They are whole human beings. To stop your child from discovering ore about themselves is selfish. Just because they have found someone new to love does not mean they will stop loving you.
@NerdyGal Art ok?
People have a right to know their origins and identity. Those of us who aren’t adoptees take this for granted. You sound like a narcissist, so yeah, probably best that you don’t adopt children.
Well she is lucky that she has found her birth family and it has worked out it doesn’t always even if they are still alive
What if you were illegally adopted and you are told that every adoption document you have was made up as in fraudulent?
Just wow!!!!!
Thank you for your sharing. By the way, can I download your vidéo in french ? I would like to translate it in my french for my country (France), to add on my channel about personnal development to adoptees :)
1 million thumbs up
Asian countries being open, tell that to India and South-Korea.
I am a bit confused after watching this. Is she saying that a birth mother has no right to a closed adoption where her identity is kept secret from the child and the new adoptees family? That if a pregnant woman chooses to give birth, she cannot give that child up for adoption without also making her name known to the family that adopts the child?
To me, it seems like that would be a disincentive for her to choose to have the baby and/or giving the baby up for adoption. That would likely increase their likelihood of choosing to have an abortion if they don't feel ready to be a part of that child's life (which is why many children are put up for adoption in the first place). But maybe I am misunderstanding.
Yes. Nobody has a right to create a human being then deny them knowledge of where they came from and who they’re related to.
There is no such thing as remaining anonymous since home DNA testing anyway.
Also, the reason most children are given away for adoption is desperation and financial difficulties, not wanting privacy from your own child.
Back then was it not also the belief that bio parents finding kids would be confusing to the child's well?
uhhhhh site your sources lady. I don't believe about half of those little statements you said.
I even tried to put in all my info so my child could find me but I guess she never wanted to find me or they never released the info to her
It’s a potential disaster when you find your bio parents. But ultimately, everyone has the right to know where they come from… the rights of the baby should be written in to adoption agreements that at 18 they have the right to choose disclosure. They should also be prepared for it. It can do a great deal of harm to both sides as for years you only have your imagination to go on. Reality takes time to integrate.
I met my birth mother. She’s awful. Didn’t help me AT ALL.
That's probably the case these days.
Signing the treaty opens up to violations on parental rights, parents are the first line of defense for children. If you want adoption records open in the USA then push for AMERICAN legislation to make it available, not seek foreign control of our country.
Please help me I need help and I have I learning disability some I have toublem reading...
I'm sorry but I don't see how this is remotely legal under our constitution. The abortion argument was always a matter of wether or not the unborn was a person yet and if so they are a citizen who liberties and rights are their own They are not the mothers they belong to the citizen. So how is it ethically or morally except able not to mention legal to treat these adoptees as property. Slippery sloap.
It not right to do this to people .
I am look for my half brother . It my mom die wish to find him .
Let me say right up front that I agree adoptees should be given full access to their adoption information, including the names of their birth parents. But let me also say that there are lots of "adoption trauma" stories where the adoptee believes that the reason they feel unconnected to their adoptive family and empty inside is because they were taken away from their birth family. It is adoption, they insist, that traumatized them. In point of fact, most termination of parental rights occur because the birth parents are negligent and abusive towards their children. These children then can't emotionally connect with their adoptive family (or anyone else, often) because their primary attachments either didn't happen or happened traumatically. It's like the old adage, "Once bitten, twice shy." It is the fact that their primary attachments were unhealthy or nonexistent that they feel empty inside and detached from themselves.
That doesn't stop them from blaming adoption for their woes. They think, "If only I had stayed with my birth family, if only I can find my birth family now, then I'll feel complete and whole." Most find only disappointment because you can't go back and be a newborn with loving, caring parents. And by shutting out your adoptive family, keeping a "secret identity", you not only pass your emotional trauma on to them, you cheat yourself of the opportunity to allow yourself to emotionally connect and to trust.
Rather than calling this "adoption trauma", let's call it what it is--the lasting effects of being unloved, neglected, or abused by your first parents. Stop blaming adoption and adoption laws for the psychological disorders you suffer from early abuse and neglect.
I disagree. I have first hand experience with this. I know my real family, and they love me, but the pain of what could have been is still too great at times. My identity was robbed from me at birth so that some distasteful POS could benefit and serve his/her own selfish interests. This pain is unbelievable, and sometimes I just want to end my life and hopefully start all over and hope for things to go right this time.
it's actually relinquishment trauma. it's a real thing. and yes. it actually happens. and people relinquish their children mentally and emotionally via neglect even if they keep them(so sure that happens) but the adoption is 100% tied to relinquishment. so your issue with semantics is absurd. it very much is related to adoption. there is adoption trauma. and every single human being who experienced trauma is encouraged to point their finger at the cause of that trauma in order to gain a hold of it and process through it. adoptive parents who get offended or wounded by the child they took into their charge wanting to complete a portion of themselves to feel whole again are basically letting their own ego's get in the way of guiding that child through their life long trauma. it's absolutely natural to want to learn where we came from, and to think that if we had been allowed to stay where we were our heartache would feel lessened. abandonment trauma and relinquishment trauma and emotional neglect are closest to the root of the issue- but adoption does not happen in a vacuum void. telling people to stop blaming a whole industry which perpetuates the trauma of children is a heinous suggestion. everyone involved in the process of relinquishment and adoption needs to be held liable for and take accountability for the trauma it causes to the adoptee. the adopted person is just looking for closure and peace. your callous remarks help no one.
Denise Cummins, I wonder what your qualifications are, to make this incorrect assertion. I see from a Google search that you are a member of nursing faculty of a University. I do not see anything in your bio which would substantiate expertise in this area. Adoption trauma, Relinquishment trauma is widely recognised. Its description resonates deeply with the experience of many adoptees. Nancy Verrier has written well on the topic. Adoption is complex, and all parties involved have hurt and brokenness. I applaud and support this Ted talk speaker, and the adopted people who have posted in response in these comments. I think your denial of the fundamental trauma of the separation of a newborn from its mother, is incorrect. Along with the expectation that an adopted child will just fit into an adoptive family, this separation has a profound and life long impact on adoptees
Why do people want to find parents who willingly gave them away?
So they can know if they were willingly given away or if they were taken from birth parents through trafficking or parental termination. They may have been lied to by adoptive parents or kidnappers
Connection. I remember giving birth to my first born and my mind was blown that this was my first blood relative.
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