Adoption, DNA, and the impact on a concealed life | Ruth Monnig | TEDxDuke
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- Опубликовано: 8 июл 2024
- Commercial DNA testing has ended genetic anonymity. Adoption is still predicated and governed by secrecy. Using her own experience, the speaker illustrates the socially unrealized adoptee experience and challenges continued secrecy in the construct. Ruth Monnig received her undergraduate degree at Duke University and her graduate degree at The University of North Carolina Chapel Hill. She has has a wide and varied career path. She has worked as a professional researcher and librarian, held positions as a professional fundraiser, and managed real estate investments. In recent years, she has begun making and selling artwork, writing books and articles, and helping others understand the importance of their identity and heritage. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
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"you are adopting a child not a solution." We are real people. We grow up. Stop erasing our stories and our lives. We didn't just fall from the sky. We deserve our heritage, our names, our original birth certificates. We deserve our identity.
Yes, we do!
Absolutely!
Yes we do! X
Yes!
Agreed 🎯
As a late discovery adoptee, I assure you that it was FAR worse than finding out that there was no Santa. I didn't find out that I was adopted until I was 32. It was like getting kicked in the chest by a horse. Adopting is not your cure to mental health and fertility issues. We aren't your "right." Having children is a privilege that not everyone deserves.
Kamina, I am so sorry that you were treated like a piece of merchandise
That's a kick in the teeth. Your world must have been turned upside down.
I am 40 in South Africa and I just found out this past Wednesday. I am going through so much 😭😭. My adoptive parents don't want to talk about it.
As an adoptee just hearing you speak the same words I feel is so validating. Thank you for sharing.
Yes! We have our language! Thank you!
No one should have to go 18+ years without knowing where and from whom they came from. Secrecy and sealed records that prevent someone knowing their identity is a crime!
I was adopted by a mean woman and loving father. I recently found my birth mother using a private investigator. But the experience was costly and devastating 😢 💔 she didn't respond to any of the was I tried contacting her, she still doesn't want me. I'm so broken and no one I'm around understands 😭😭
There are many that see you and understand you….you are not alone.
This is the first time I've understood myself in 42 years. I was treated for bipolar from 12 to 36 years old (misdiagnosed). I now know I have untreated ptsd. This video has helped change my life. Thank you.
Thank you for listening and I am very glad this was helpful for you….helping was the intention!
I am a grandmother who lost her grandchild to adoption even after begging for kinship care. I tried to explain this to them but they refused to even listen. I lost my son and grandchild the day she was born.
I am so very sorry…..kinship adoption is much more common and accepted in other cultures. We should embrace it, too.
As an adoptee, I felt unaffected until I became a mom at age 36. That was profound when met the twins I carried. Nurture is undoubtedly important, but nature should not be ignored.
Thank you for watching. Yes, nature and nurture are both critical, but nature does play a part…..particularly in health and heritage.
I felt the same way meeting my son! Almost every day I think to myself "it's so nice to be related to someone in my family." Finally got a therapist who knows about adoption trauma and who's helped me work through so many things!
Ruth, my name is Debby. I've just joined thought leaders and listened to your talk. There is so much I want to say to you but mostly Yes and Amen. I am a birth mother about to see my 37 year old son and his wife at my parents' 60th wedding anniversary party today. My parents required me to give him up in 84. So many layers. I desperately wish everyone knew then what we know now. Thank you for bringing the truth to light. Identity, restoration, belonging and cellular "knowing". I hope you and I can connect. Congratulations on your poignant and vastly important talk.
Thank you for listening and reaching out!
Just to let others know who may be reading this, most natural mothers and fathers DO want to know what happened to their children lost to adoption, almost 100% according to statistics. I am very sorry that your natural mother did not want to meet you Ruth. Thank you for getting the truth out there about adoption. Great job!
Thank you for listening and hearing the message
My birth mother did not want to know what happened to me. Given conversations, I’d be surprised if almost 100% do want to know.
Please don't call them 'natural' parents. The proper term is birth parents or biological parents.
@@jmk1962is "don't" missing from your reply? Agree on biological or birth parent but never heard of natural parent. Find it a bit off 🤔
My mother didn’t to know about me either. You feel like you’ve been abandoned twice when you find that out.
eesh. thought i was alone with this! the identity crisis is real and will probably never go away. thank you for this talk.
As an adoptee myself, i learnt at
an early age from a statement by Bob Marley (i am paraphrasing it )" You cant truly move forward if you dont know where you came from".. I always envied those who have a culture, a family identity.. People who arent adopted always say ah, it doesnt matter, your adopted parents still loved you. Thats a seperate thing, its not the point. I have tried in vain for 40 years but still have no clue who my birth mother is. It was hard navigating through an evergrowing multicultural society not knowing your own true heritage. Every second person asking, what nationality are you? People have asked over time if i was Greek, Arab , Maltese, Turkish, Bosnian, Spanish. Chilean... A DNA test showed i was 100% Celt, apparently bits from Ireland,Scotland,France and Spain. I just seem to have a multi ehnic appearance! But it would be nice if my government could release the secretive information as to my birth parents. Their medical history would definately help too. Who knows, maybe one fine day...
"That's a separate thing, it's not the point." Thank. YOU!!
Do some DNA tests on the most popular sites and you will match with cousins and nay find out who your birth mother is that way.
Everything you are saying resonates with my entire being. Just wow. Thank you so much. I’m only 25, and I always knew I was adopted. But I’m only now having the courage to investigate my trauma, those underlying patterns of behaviors that sincerely prevent me from loving myself wholeheartedly.
You said “if you’re an adoptee, find other adoptees.” How? It feels like when I do find another adoptee, they aren’t willing to talk about it. It feels like everyone adoptee I’ve met growing up has been well adjusted, doesn’t care/doesn’t seem to be affected by it, etc. I just feel so completely alone in my emotional struggles.
I have almost the same story. My birth father wasn’t told about me. He was in Vietnam. My birth mother got rid of me. She had more means and opportunities than my adoptive parents. She was unwed in the 60’s and that was shameful at the time. When it was legal I looked but was shut down. My birth mother threatened me with a restraining order if I tried to find my family. She’s dead and I did find them all. Her shame kept her silent. She is now voiceless and her cruel behavior is her legacy.
Thank you for sharing that…..
He should have known and cared where he spread his seed. Yours is a common scenario in adoption.
@@elizabeth4444_4 My father was serving his country when I was being relinquished without his consent. The US made unwed mothers feel shame like they still do now. If people with beliefs like you weren’t so judgmental many adoptees wouldn’t have lost their families. Your beliefs cost many babies to be separated from their families unnecessarily. You lack empathy.
@@elizabeth4444_4shame on you for saying that.
I am an adoptee, and this TedTalk hit so hard. Thank you for sharing this and validating so many people!
Great talk. Great validation as an adoptee. Thank you. I also found out I am still a secret and rejected by my mother once again. It’s a life long wave of emotions… yes, and 👍
Thank You... I'm not alone ..... At 60yrs....
Thank you ❤ I am happy I am listening to this now as I just found out in my 40th year of life that I am adopted. It hurts so much 😢
This is extremely well put and resonates. Thanks- fellow '64 adoptee
‘64 was a good year! Thanks for listening!
Well said and thank you. I'm a reunited adoptee of 31 years now. Still working out who and what I am. I sought out an adoption friendly therapist in the early years and also a support group made up of adoptees and birth mothers. These two things were life savers for me. Recommend others do the same. Be king and patient with yourselves as you navigate your feelings and emotions. Matters of the heart only heal and repair at the hearts own pace. It took me about 5 to 7 years for my heart to come to terms with being reunited and accept all the new (familial) information. So be patient with yourself and don't try to rush it. Love to everyone on their personal journeys. Love Bob
She right about the adoptee view point! I love my parents but i was bullied throughout my whole life and being adopted was one of the reasons why i was bullied! I'm Asian and my parents are white Itialian, so everyone could see they weren't "my real parents"! My birth parents didn't want me and I didn't know what happened to them! I don't care, I'm to angry to forgive them! My birth mom and father never wanted me!
Ive been going to therapy for 3/4 months finally working on through my adoption! I'm 30 and I've been angry all My life, I know why I was put up for adoption but I've been angry about it for 20 years!!
Thanks for taking the time to listen. There are many of us out there who understand. You are not alone.
Thank you for sharing this. I am 33 years old and I only found out three weeks ago that I was adopted when I was a few days old. I found out after finally managing to get my mother to do a DNA test. It's been a rough few weeks and finding a community that is so caring, understanding and empathetic has been the amazing side to all this. At the start I felt a loneliness that I think is incredibly difficult to describe unless you've gone through it.
People Just don't get it - in reality adoption equates to c-ptsd - bio reunited - estranged failed adoption - WE ARE NOT THE SAME
Thank you!
It's nice to hear her story. I'm an adoptee too, and sad to say, you rarely here other guy adoptees talk about it. On rare occasion I meet someone, but over my life that's only happened maybe twice. It's not something people understand well, and it's hard to share due to some of the weird and bad reactions. Anyway, found this off a random search. If any other adoptees want to chat, I'm around. I had a pretty good experience, but the identity issues... yeah, I hear what she's saying on that.
Thanks so much for listening! re are other adoptees around, and yes, this is not frequently discussed because of, “weird and bad reactions.” You hit that right on the head! There are many adoptee groups out there….community really helps.
this is POWERFUL. you are the perfect messenger for this topic. thank you for the hard work you put into this! don't stop now!
What a perfect piece, and the timing of a fellow adoptee sending this link to me this evening has to be providential. I had just posted a rant on my fb page about adoption and the ignorance of the general populace who have swallowed the Kool-Aid and think that "your mother loved you so much that she gave you away" but they can't seem to reconcile the fact that that actually means that love equals abandonment. 😕💔
I had the privilege of attending an AAC conference in San Francisco in the 1990's and the takeaway was that we must educate, educate, educate.
Here we are, decades later, and it feels like hitting ones head on a wall at times. I am so angry at the people who say, "Im sorry you feel that way. I know an adopted person and their life is wonderful. They're so *grateful* and feel chosen blah blah blah".... like a puppy from the pound, perhaps?? 🤷♀️🤔💔
I mentioned the same statistics about the suicide rate in my rant. I believe the number of adoptees in prisons and mental health facilities are also skewed for adoptees. Oh, but you must be the only one who feels that way. 😡😡😡
I can so relate to this lady. My birth mother didn’t want to do anything with me. Even after I had to find her due to my medical issues a few years ago. I only wanted to thank her for giving me life. I don’t need to reconcile with her even though I wished she had wanted me.
Tremendous. What a voice for the adoptee community. Well done!
Thank you, basicslly described my life too. So relatable and needs to be heard by all prospective adoptive parents.
Incredible talk. After getting cancer, it made me seek out my birth parents and siblings. It’s been an incredible experience. My father has passed. My mother is alive, but has dementia. I hope to meet her. I am the daughter of a historic figure in the Los Angeles County Fire Department. And my mother is a full blooded Lakota from South Dakota. She came to Los Angeles during the government relocation program in the 1960’s.
sixties scoop?
In the process of adopting. These testimonials and stories allow me perspective to be a better parent. The way I think of Adoption is that it is first and foremost vital to not think about my own comfort zone. I want my child to know everything. Ideally an open adoption, and hopefully where the biological mother will be able to have some level of contact (this is not always possible unfortunately). Thank you for your story. This is tremendously helpful as my wife and I navigate through this. I find it strange to think that a birth certificate would list anyone other than the child’s biological parents. I know a lot has changed but my hope is that the adoption process as a whole continues to see improvement to diminish added pain through erasure of identity. This never works.
My older sister was given up as a baby. We share the same dad - different mothers. My mom wanted me and kept me.
She worked very hard to find her birth mother and father.
And after all that she is Nothing like our dad. And I only met her birth mom at her wedding. My sister is 18 years older than me. Talk about an awkward wedding. Adopting parents, angry birth mom, scared of the birth mom, birth dad (our dad), me and my mom. And a bunch of adoption related family. Fast forward to present day. She has been divorced twice. Adopted 3 children - no babies. Only talks to 2 of her kids. Has no female friends. And tries to date men my age - 20 years younger. I noticed, She isn't able to bond with ppl, she pulls the victim card out a lot, low self-esteem and all of the typical adoptee behaviors. I had to stop communicating with her because she became a bully towards me.
More important than an Open Adoption is get them in adoption therapy/psychiatrist asap and for the entirety of their life.
@@roxrocks7023 thank you for your thorough response. That must be really tough to see. Absolutely I think therapy is an absolute must. ❤️
Thank you for sharing. I’m a birthfather that gave up my son in 1986. I don’t want to go into details but I did believe that it was best for him.
I’ve wondered about him ever since and do hope that he finds me someday. I’ve tried to make it easy by being on adoption registry sites for years but I’m only doing the DNA registry now.
All of my family and many of my friends know about this part of my life. I didn’t want to have to be explaining this at a very emotional time if he ever finds me. My family will welcome him with open arms.
I am not sure what to say if he asks about his mother. I know that she moved on and kept it a secret from everyone. This may have changed but I’m worried that she will reject him.
I am truly grateful to his parents that adopted him. I was allowed to meet them and they seemed great. They did have fertility problems and my son was most welcome with them. They planned for him to always know that he was adopted. It actually would be hard to keep secret since his complexion is way darker than theirs.
I hope you can find him, but just fyi we end up homeless, in prison, dead early, and its a really bad sign they were infertile, people who are adopting for that reason aren’t child centered they’re doing it for themselves, and want to play house with someone else’s baby, and the complexity of their trauma not being able to have their own child is never worked on in therapy, so since babies aren’t medical bandages and it never heals them they grow resentment, I’ve seen a lot of foggy adoptees who have so much abandonment trauma they’ll develop a Stockholm syndrome and a fear and obligation guilt for their adopters and deny their own identity and humanity to appease them too, so that’s why they won’t come looking, scared of a second rejection etc, some adoptees live kinda normalish lives, but many like myself turned into adoptee killer statistic for the psychology books, some end up like Monroe famous but also suicidal, but I’m sure the average adoptee is somewhere in the middle of Ted bundy, Marlyn Monroe… and Edgar Allen Poe, maybe a sassy mix of all of them 🎉 I hope you reunite and it maybe hard but the best things in life are after a lot of work and healing. Sending you and yours love.
This is such an important and validating talk. I am not adopted, but I am friends with, and have family members, who were adopted. Adoption is layered and complex. This is so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. But we are all connected by our stories. Around 11:20 you talk about concealing parts of us and how it's not possible and no one should conceal a part of themselves just because society is uncomfortable with it. This applies to all of us. As humans, we need to be heard, understood and validated. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Thank you for taking the time to listen and hear this!
@@rjmsbr247 I shared it with a family member and friend who understand the adoption process. This is such an important message. It really is.
Ruth I am so touched by your story and it really makes me think about the whole child that is adopted. Thanks for sharing and appreciating the AND!
Awesome talk. So insightful for those of us who are not adopted. Thank you Ruth for sharing this with all of us!
Thank you!!
A non-adoptee? You're an adoptee ally and you're awesome!!!!! Thank you too.
An amazing story! So well done. And very engaging. I'm amazed at how your core qualities were characteristics found in your birth family. You were being you. I've know many adoptees who have seemed a bit lost. The attitude has always been that they should just be thankful that someone took them in. It's a real struggle.
I feel all this in my soul. All of it. THANK YOU! Gosh I wish I could be in your group!
Try and connect with Haley Radke and Adoptees On (Podcast)…..many groups and connections to start with there! You are not alone!
Great talk. Thank you for providing the insight that most do not see or think about.
Thanks, Debi!
I was adopted and just found out who my father was last year, I was 53 and suddenly a different ethnicity to what I was bought up to believe. I am still trying to figure out who I am, neither of my parents want contact, but I have contact with aunt's and uncles. I will look into the therapist situation, I tried therapy last year and the person I saw wasn't helpful or understanding.
Look up adoption competent therapists….or even a therapist who themselves is adopted. It makes a difference. Thanks for listening.
Ruth, this was amazing to hear. I really appreciate this perspective. I hadn't thought of things like you proposed them before. Thank you for your courage in standing on that stage and sharing with the world.
Thanks for listening!
Such an important message that must be shared with the world! You really gave us an inside view on how it feels to be an adoptee. Thank you for the power of your vulnerability in sharing this intimate story and message Ruth. You are a gem.
Thanks, Yarona! Thanks for hearing the message.
I can totally relate to your story. Thanks for sharing, and helping to educate todays society.
Have had a hole in my heart since 1960
Ruth, what powerful stories and perspectives you have shared here. You've raised some thought-provoking questions about identity.
Thanks for hearing the message!!
Ruth is the coolest. I am so grateful that she made this speech. Thank you
I was but a tumour that needed to be removed, much like you Ruth. It's not always the person sought that will provide what you seek. I have no animosity towards her and most likely wouldn't have the closeness and knowing I was wanted by others without her denial.
Thank you for your wisdom and guidance. Greatly appreciated.
Thank you for listening!
Thanks Ruth, you told your truth so beautifully and it helped me in my own identity confusion. Even though our stories are different parts are similar. I’m very thankful I met you today. Your talk answered some of the questions I had. I’m hoping that our paths cross again, you brought a rainbow into my cloud and of all the travels I’ve done i can honestly say that the journey to find myself, my identity has been the most elusive but rewarding one ♥️💃🏽🦉
Hannah, I am so glad you watched this. Yes, identity! It is hard to find words….
Extremely helpful and validating talk. Thank you 🙏🏼
Thank you for the information . Some I would have guessed and some was so out of my frame of reference. I appreciate knowing about it since I am working with people.
I enjoyed your talk. It captured some very important parts of adoptive identity. I applaud you for speaking, and I hope your message is shared far and wide. It's such a difficult topic because it is so personal and because the criticism for daring to speak can be brutal. Give yourself permission to omit any line that is followed by, "That's not what this is about." I applaud your courage.
Thank you, and thank you for listening!
@@rjmsbr247 You're welcome. :)
Thank you for putting my feelings into words and explaining the “and”. I feel like I’ve always had to be grateful and wasn’t allowed to have negative feelings towards it. I’ve become an excellent people pleaser and wall builder. My father turned out to be one of those famous people which, by the way, made it harder to make contact because everyone protected him and thought I was the media and making up stories.
I think I'm the opposite. My natural mother was pressured into giving me up, twice. The childless couple who took me in wanted to enjoy the status of having a family.
Amazing talk! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us!
Thanks, Phil. Coming from you, this means so much.
Excellent Ruth! What an important story to be told and heard.
Thanks for all of your help and support, Leah!!!!!
It *is* possible for adoptees to conceal a part of them which is one of the main problems.
Brilliant talk - thank you Ruth.
Thank you for listening!
incredible, thank you for sharing!
Thank you!
thankk you foor ghis. your words are empowering.
Thank you, Ruth, for sharing this. Our stories are remarkably similar, including having athletic birth fathers and birth mothers who preferred not to have any relationship. You're also about 6 weeks younger than me!
Thanks for listening and hearing!!!
Great Talk, Thank you for sharing!
Thanks, Clara!
I was adopted at 4 months my a mother that was adopted herself I am now 37 with ms but thank god the lord is helping me thru all this
Oh yea I was abused by my adoptive mother cause she went thru her trama as a kid also
And my biological mother and father were drug addicts
Fantastic job Ruthie!!
Thanks, Scott!
Thank you.
Great Job!
Your talk really touches my heart.
Jesus said, no man can serve 2 masters.
I have found myself my whole life straddling the line between who I was supposed to be and who I was born to be.
It hasn't been easy.
I actually had to pause and walk away partway through due to crying.
I am glad it touched you and I hope it can help many.
wow. would like to hear so much more about your work. does Ruth Monnig have a website? this was a balm. so much gratitude for this
Thank you so much! I don’t have a website, but I write and my items appear in blogs from time to time. Again, thank you for taking the time to listen.
Everyone has the right to know their origins.
True, but it could be traumatic. A great writer and clever thinker said that children are “gift of God to their parents.” If you think along this line, it’s easier to accept that some people were just ungrateful for that precious gift. And yet, others couldn’t get that beautiful gift and were honored to be chosen as adoptive parents. Life is complex and so much of it doesn’t make much sense.
That was a really great Ted talk !!! (both my parents were adopted !!! :)
Your story is the same as mine.
Incredible to hear your story and experience! Thank you for sharing. I was conceived via artificial insemination and have never known my bio-dad. Quite a different scenario but similar in ways. It's fascinating to hear about you discovering the identity of your parents through dna testing. I feel inspired and hopeful to do the same one day.
Let’s talk about it some time, Echo!
Definitely do DNA. You may be surprised.
Any information on the meetings you hold?
Thanks for asking. Right now we are a closed group. If you can listen to The podcast, “Adoptees on,” with Haley Radke, you may find some groups and interested folks. She is a great advocate and resource!
I would give anything to have a supportive group of people where it’s safe with other adoptees. I’d give anything to know my real nationality. I will always have missing pieces.
I am adopting a baby next month. Baby's dad is my husband's cousin. The baby is family. The mother is lovely and is open and happy about the adoption. I definitely want to keep the adopting open. When and how should we tell him he's adopted?
Just talk about it often , like it’s part of your day.
Oh I need to speak to you ❤❤❤❤❤❤
The only thing i'll say plenty of biological kids feel like they don’t match with their families, but the feeling of an unbreakable bond is something every family has to work to build. Lots of idealism in reference to biological parent child relationships.
Sorry but this isn't as simple as "don't match", it's the life long trauma that's the real issue.
I have a story and I want to tell it.
My half biological sister (same dad) was given up at birth by her mother.
She found both of her biological parents and I popped up later.
Her and I can not have a relationship (I decided) because I am outspoken, confident and my mom kept me and she is none of it. She can be mentally abuses towards me and then avoids me after the attack. She blames the behaviors on cancer. It's very hard to find information that fits our dynamics/blended biological families. I don't understand why or how she does this to me.
Trauma
Why dose this make me not want to adopt a kid I mean really IVF is looking better and better
First
Writing ✍️ 🙏🙌🙏🙌🙏🙌🙏🙌✍️✍️✍️movie
You should respect your brith mother’s wishes.
How could you? Comparing santa? OMG!!!!
Not all adoptees feel trauma though. This is a fantastic talk, but generalizing to all adoptees is wrong in my view. As evidenced of this , one adoptee below writes "I hadn't thought of things like you proposed them before." I think we need to be really careful here.
Of course! Everyone has a different experience….this was mine and I have found tremendous support and like thoughts with other adoptees. There is an, “otherness,” to adoption. That is not obvious to the masses. It is complicated for everyone in the adoption triad. Thank you for taking the time to watch and comment! Much appreciated!
I would say from that there are more adoptees who are adversely affected by adoption than not and many of those who claim they're not and are just pleased as punch, are in denial or as the literature describes it, in the fog.
I didn't hear any part of this talk saying "this is how all adoptees should feel". It's one person's experience that likely resonates with a lot of adopted people, who are often told variations of: "-shut up....you should be grateful....you were unwanted.." and various deeply harmful lies. Everyone has a right to their actual truth, and they may find that in their own time....Or not. Nobody is saying they have to. Imagine finding out that every aspect of your life is based on multiple layers of lies, AND you're not allowed to find your true identity. I wonder why anyone would find a basic desire to find one's own truth to be threatening.
@@rjmsbr247 Really agree with your "otherness" point.... Sometimes adoptees don't fit in with adoptive family, and are twice rejected by birth family. It really can rock your boat. Thank you.
@@eh3477 I am afraid you are not listening to what I'm saying. Not all adopted people are actually traumatized.. I am well aware of the lies, I have been subjected to them myself as an adoptee, this has nothing to do with my argument.