This Romantic Gesture Is Actually a Major RED FLAG | Matthew Hussey
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- Опубликовано: 23 ноя 2024
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In this video, you will see that the ability to differentiate between short-term excitement and long-term potential will save you a lot of grief and time. It will also give you tools to help you clearly see and navigate around any red flags that may appear on your path.
Your coach,
Matthew x
P.S. Have you ever come across this kind of red flag? Tell me in the comments.
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RECIPROCATION. "Don't invest in someone based on how much you like them. Invest in them based on how much they invest in you." -Matthew Hussey.
Careful though many men invest alot only in the honeymoon phase.
If both people follow this rule, then no one invests, right? Of course, you shouldn't keep investing if you're not getting anything back, but someone has to make the move; although, admittedly, at the start of a relationship, this seems to be the man's job (approaching, arranging a first date)
Yeessss
@@jeroenverschaeve3090 My personal opinion is, approach any new relationship with the level of attention that you hope to receive in return.
It's not just men, women do it too. The funny thing about this channel is, it's targeted to women, but 90% of the principles are applicable to men too. The laws of attraction and dating are fundamentally universal.
My biggest red flag that happened recently was I was the only one asking questions. If someone doesn’t want to get to know you on a deeper level…know they aren’t serious.
@@susanwilliams4953if you had not had sex with him you wouldn’t have wasted 6 months.
This is SUCH a problem nowadays! I’m always the only one inquiring about others. Both male and female. No one ever asks me questions about me! It’s impossible for me to connect with someone like that because I’m so genuinely curious about others. Is it something about me, or just something about society?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
@@RikaMakaraSociety. I'm like you. I love to learn about people and cultures. It's hard out there.
@@oceanbluewaves4918 Same here! Nice to “meet” you! So what’s your story? Haha! Just kidding!
Nice to meet you too! I'm older and a extrovert. But that doesn't mean I have lost my curiosity, lol. It's definitely a red flag to me if there is no general interest. Seems many people are so self centered and set on just getting by with minimal effort. Jmo
Ignoring or dismissing red flags WILL cost you later
Amen
Couldn't have said it better myself
Yeap and it'll be 10x's worse!
Literally and figuratively.
Agreed 😢
My husband does not care much for being on the phone. When we were dating, he would sometimes go out of town on trips and would rarely call at all. I told him this made me feel disconnected from him and that I didn't like not hearing from him for the bulk of his trips. He said that part of the problem was that he didn't know when or how often to call because he doesnt like being on the phone. His solution? He decided to call me every single day if he's out of town. Because he didn't know how much to call, he would just call every day so that I wouldnt feel disconnected or unhappy when he's away. We have been together 10 years now, and without fail, he calls me every day when he is on a trip. He even called every day when he was in India. He's not a phone guy, but he is clearly MY guy and will do what it takes to make me feel that way.
@MatthewHussey My boyfriend is saying he feels like you felt, but I disconnected bc the amount of attention he needed was just too much.. he wanted to talk 4-6 times a day, and literally stay on the phone no talking about anything..and I am NOT a phone person either.. I'm like to keep my mind and time busy, but I just don't think anyone has THAT much to talk about evry single day all day long.. I need to be able to miss you a lil bit otherwise I feel stifled bc I'm an introvert.. his erratic mood swings and tantrums for not getting this attention would throw me off and turn me off too.. he wants to marry me but I'm not sure bc I'm not sure if we are compatible in our communication styles and he just seems insecure.. but I'm not all that excited about being married bc I love my freedom and don't really want kids.. I don't know what to do bc I don't want to be alone alone, but I don't really want to be in a deep all consuming relationship either especially with a needy person
@@DivaDivine88 Please do not get married. You have your concerns and doubts AND they are valid. IMO, he sounds very controlling and jealous-not a good mix. It's not going to get better with marriage. Please save yourself.
Asking someone to call you on a trip everyday is very controlling. Can you not learn to be on your own for a day or two and still trust your partner? On a business trip you are usually stressed with no free trim and focused on working. And people often need some alone time to reset and evaluate. It's not a bad thing.
Cuuuute ❤🥲
@DivaDivine88 Please do NOT marry this man. You do not need or love him near as much as he needs and loves you.
Please don't do this to him:( that would be so unfair and mean on your part to marry him.
I recently met a man who told me about his ex who "was the love of his life". I was proud of myself to see immediately that he was telling me he would never love me - and I ran for my life. In the past I have been hooked into accepting 2nd best place. Lol - growth is good!
But at least he was honest. My story: taken out to dinner by man......found out he was married......he wanted to have affair.....he said he didn't want to leave his wife....apparently the last person to have this spiel DID have an affair with him for 4 years. Poor woman! These people who want everything to compliment their "almost perfect" lives.
Me ex told me he went to see a therapist after he found out his ex wife (of 25+ years but already divorced for 2 years) had started dating someone and even introduced their 2 daughters to her new man. This happened a few months before we started dating. He even told me he had asked his ex wife if she truly loved this new guy. Talk about red flags! In hindsight, he was blatantly telling me he wasn’t over his ex wife and I was there to fill that void and sooth his bruised ego.
Good for you Trudi! We get what we tolerate - always.
As a widow, my new hubby had to tolerate me calling him by my deceased hubby’s name on occasion, without me even knowing it! I asked him to start calling me out on it, and that helped. Love is a very complicated thing, that we can’t turn off and on like a light. I’ve been very lucky to have two “loves of my life”. While they were, and are, their own person, they are so much alike, even my step children have commented on it. When I first met my husband, I asked him what he was doing for Thanksgiving. He said “taking my mum, who’s visiting, to dinner at my former wife’s house”. Right there, I knew this was a man of substance, whom I wanted in my life. When we got married, his former wife and husband, came by our house (where we were married), to see the family she had been part of for 20 odd years, and to toast us. I actually love his former wife, and the four “parents” together support the kids of their relationship, which to me is the most important thing. Good luck, you’re in shark infested waters looking for a great mate. It’s not easy.
Does make somebody a priority when you to them are just an option.
It’s the difference between a person wanting to do something really cool with SOMEONE vs that person wanting to do a lot more ordinary things with YOU SPECIFICALLY.
Using ppl
U defined it
Also, the difference between doing something with you and doing something 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 you
love the summary! ty!
@Nancy Van Der Meer Sounds like he needs to hear this. Don't ghost ppl cause your afraid of conflict. Tell him, even if he gets upset, you've helped.
Today we met total strangers
This can also apply to friendships, some people do not value YOU They just need ANYONE there. Settling is truly a big time wasting mistake.
Oh yes! This is absolutely true and I really struggle with this issue these times. It hurts me to experience again and again that certain people who are viewed as ‚friends‘ (they won’t be mich longer, I’m working on that) don‘t show an honest interest in how I am doing. They just need someone to listen and it Takes away my Energy...
Anyway, have a great day!❤️
I am the person, my "friends" come to when they have a problem or need something.. It's never just to share their joys or good moments. I've recently cut a few of the more toxic ones out of my life.. including my mom.
@Don K *sigh* I wish for both of us (and everyone else too) to heal and be able to have real friendships
They are narcissistics
Oh my gosh, for sure!!
If you are always calling them and going over to them. And they only respond and enjoy your company, but put in minimal effort. Just go. You will exhaust yourself. Like the paddling duck scenario.
this totally makes sense. This explains why generations ago, a father would say," what are your intentions?' He wasn't asking for a proposal, he was saying, My daughter isn't a toy for an experience. How committed are you to having a relationship where communication and responsible behaviors are in place. Proper boundaries are necessary for trust to develop
Best comment ever.
So true!!!!! As I have become an older adult and gained more wisdom after being in a domestic violent marriage then later on finding real, honest, true love, I now understand why my Daddy never liked any of the guys that I dated until my husband I am with now. I finally have the one who wants to experience all of life with me and loves just being with me no matter what we do, whether it be snuggling on the couch watching movies or going out on vacations with our best friends. We communicate beautifully and we love to listen to each other and he cares.
@@ninelives1979 You are so lucky to have found the right person, after all you've been through. I come from a similar experience-- 36 years m. , self centered, unhealed, emotionally and mentally abusive man, but also in my case, added baggage from my family of origin that I didn't even know needed healing til halfway into my marriage w/ him.
He had loads of unhealed baggage himself.
And he saw no need to work on his own trauma. In fact, he saw nothing wrong with himself whatsoever, and anything wrong w/ our marriage was all my fault.
I chose to work on my own trauma, initially hoping it would fix our marriage, but it didn't. It placed me miles ahead of him into my own healing and growth journey, which eventually led me to divorce him.
I'm much happier now, even though starting over has been hard.
However I still have some healing to do, apparently, because for the first time I am dating a guy, and while I fee im in love with him, I still don't trust men, I don't trust my own intuition sometimes, and I question everything this guy has done for me the last five months we've dated.
I feel like everything is a red flag, I have no idea how to tell the real and genuine from the fake and manipulative.
I'm not rushing into anything, and he too (twice divorced) said he wants to go slow.
And then, out of the blue, he asked me to move in with him. 😳
Of course, I declined, and told him I want to talk about that later (we were at work at the time. )
We still haven't discussed it yet. He never wants to have conversations outside of work or a date.
That felt like a huge red flag to me. Known him two years, dating five months....we don't know each other well enough for that!
I made a list of 15 reasons NOT to move in with him. All very valid, all catering to ME and what I want in my life right now, and many tied to my adult kids and grandkids.
I am nowhere near ready for that. Plus, after literally half of my life married to a man who managed to gradually change me, ran off friends I'd known long before my ex was in my life, and basically turned me into someone I'm not. Granted, I allowed this to happen. But I didn't know at the time what I was doing.
I will never do that again. I will remain true to ME.
So now, here's the new guy.
And I just don't know what to think.
I will always be content to be alone, I LIKE me. I love me. But I'd like to find a true love, just once before I die, so I can see what real, healthy, calm, honest love looks like.
Because I really don't know.
Love that question your father would ask. Straight to the point question, no BS'ing around.
perfect video.... living through it right now.... ok.... next!!!🤦🏽♀️
When he started talking about little betrayals to yourself, I almost started crying. So often I think as women we settle for something that falls short and try to accommodate ourselves and make that thing work. Instead of standing strong and not settling, pursuing something that is worth holding out for.
This is so true! In my last relationship, I kept justifying it to myself and making excuses in my mind like - well I can “put up with” this if xyz is still good. But day by day, parts of me were chipping away. It was like I had to fit into this container for HIS expectations, when I’ve heard it should be the other way around with masculine and feminine energy. The masculine energy should hold space for a feminine energy to be free flowing and loving. That’s our natural state.
We're all healing. I pray we find the herbs or therapies to help us heal and ignite the Divine feminine energy within us. 😘🌹🙏🏾
Some of us men also experience this. There were so many points in my last relationship with my now ex fiancé, that I thought if I put up with something or forgave her for something things would get better. Only for her to end up dumping me after 5.5 years.
I’m now looking back at it wondering why I thought things would get better when nothing was actually changing. She would frequently gaslight me and even convinced me at one point that I had to do more and that I wasn’t good enough for her.
@@bobaygaming1978 very true. Thank you for sharing!
Spot on!
It takes practice and patience to recognize when a relationship is built on escapism. I see this a lot especially in online dating, people looking to escape their boredom with dates but not actually looking for authentic, long-lasting connections even though they might say that's what they're looking for. I think a lot of humans don't even know what escapism is in themselves or in other people.
I would also call it "distraction"
Very introspective 🤓
Very introspective 🤓
This is on 🎯🎯🎯 and frustrating when you’re the person who really wants more with that person. If I don’t feel we’re vibing I just take it as a lesson.
Why are y'all still online dating? It seems buy now everyone would know what a cesspool it is yet they're still doing it. Just curious.
Imagine being married to someone like this. The relationship never goes deep. Stays completely superficial. I literally thought I was losing my mind. Then came divorce( my idea) and the awakening. Thank goodness I have been out for years now. With my eyes wide open.
Well done you for getting out. I am in a relationship for 3 years that is still superficial with no emotional intimacy and sometimes he can’t be bothered to talk to me. It’s draining.
@Jillian Ryan If you got involved more because of superficial charm, height, wealth, and/or a square jaw, that’s what happens most of the time. Follow red pill channels (most notably Alexander Grace) to understand more how most women tick.
@@EMichaelBall Oh, that's right, you're an armchair authority, right? LOL Women, just like men, wants someone compatible who actually cares about them.
@Helen Taylor Trouble is, most women can’t tell the difference in real time (read: before it’s too late and the man she had won’t take her back) between superficial charm and someone who actually cares about them.
I prefer to learn from others than my own hard knocks.
(Original reply removed because I can’t modify posts on mobile)
@@EMichaelBall All I know is I’m female and he was the narcissist. Learned a lot and won’t be making that mistake again. 🍀
Always pay attention to your gut feeling if something feels off it is! I learned that the hard way
❤
As I a man. I'd agree. I'd tell other men to simply engage in broad conversations. Then do three things.
Insult their current/ex boyfriend/husband in a joking manner.
Find out how many single "friends" they have.
Do some acts of kindness.
If they don't defend their husband or if they trash their ex. Red flag. Lack of respect and maturity.
If they have a ton of single friends, she's self centered. She's looking for validation and invests very little in her relationships.
If she doesn't return acts of kindness, she won't reciprocate anything else.
This is the basic man's shit test.
Preach 🙌🏻
Nah, that's just being judgemental. How about actually getting to know someone instead of using your gut feeling, which is often wrong?
@@pikachuchujelly7628 that’s something a predator says…
A man to avoid is a man that suffer of apathy:
indifference
and emotional detachment!!!!
A woman to avoid is a woman that suffer of apathy: indifference and emotional detachment!!!!
A dog to avoid is a dog that suffer of apathy:
indifference
and emotional detachment!!!!
@@normanclatcher i dunno, thats MY kind of dog…
I, as a guy, have made these types of mistakes many times. Nobody (and I mean NOBODY) has ever told me in my entire life that what I was doing was wrong and why it was wrong. These videos are so incredibly helpful.
Because it isn’t wrong.
@@CristyB66Exactly, except if one person wants something else and you are stringing them along for a travel or experiences buddy.
Yeah and you didn't even mean to you just didn't know.
Chasing peaks at the cost of sincere connection is hunting behavior addicts are painfully aware of. You mean well, heck, you reflect critically, which will serve you and your future partner well.
Consider bonding experiences the bare bones you seek to flesh out with common goals. If her happiness makes you happy and your happiness makes her happy, i feel good about my envy.
she wants more, he doesn’t.
What’s wrong with it? He does say no.
Communication is key. That’s all.
When my partner and I were initially long distance, I let him reach out to me and initiate visits more than I did to get a sense of where he was really at and what he was desiring. He called me. He suggested him coming to visit and then he did. He started doing that every other weekend. When we talked, our phone conversations would often last hours and we talked about everything, including our everyday lives. After seeing that, I called him more and visited him during my school breaks. It was so clear from the beginning that he wanted a genuine connection and a real, committed relationship!
So you manipulated him?
@@slardebard No, she gave him the room in the beginning to make up his own mind and time to make up hers. So she gave him the lead in the beginning, learned more about him in the process, and reciprocated that all along the way. If it worked well for both of them, I can find nothing to criticize there. Seems pretty organic and wise to me.
@@slardebard Where do you see manipulation here?
My husband Tolley and I started that way. Lovely💞
Im having the same with a man now. Yes the connection cannot be faked. 🙃
Grand gestures are often a way to hide emotional unavailability. Definitely been there.
It often presents itself as 'love bombing' (sending gifts and becoming overly committed "you're the love of my life" after 1 week / way too early).
Will add that some people aren't as good digital communicators and that needs to be taken into account. In this particular case (across the pond relationship) you'd almost need both parties to be "good" for this to work. But I've dated people who had piss poor text/email/app whatever habits but were lovely people IRL.
@@dante6985 I'm pretty bad at texting and I realize that long distance is not a thing I could deal with. In relationships I still see that I put in time for at least an exchange of messages at the end of the day. Using the L word way too early is also a pretty big red flag.
@@dante6985 Totally! This happened to me. What saved me was pacing things slowly. I only saw him 1x a week for the first month.. Narcissists don't like boundaries! Could take a while even doing that because it's a challenge for them at first, but it will eventually not be enough supply for them so they'll discard (ask me how I know). You also have to be mostly healed...for example a codependent will stick to a narcissist like glue no matter how much they hurt you...the trauma bond is real...if we're not mostly healed.
Every problem cannot be solved with a "grand gesture." It takes more than trips/vacations or exciting experiences to make a relationship work.
Exactly... Beware of those who want to fix everything with gifts or promises.
It takes the right two people getting together. People that are compatible and are realistic.
@@MrR40388 I absolutely agree.
The two people who Matthew describe sound like good people who like each other who are naively trying to be compatible, however simply don't have compatible seduction styles. Like chalk and cheese.
Exactly. How you treat someone is more important than any gift money could ever buy.
It sounds like this guy isn't even interested in a relationship though, he just wants to go do fun things. And it's quite likely she's not the only woman he's doing them with.
1. Can he tolerate your "no" (and then observe him how he behaves)
2. He and you have an opposite opinion about something and you both can negotiate a solution? (observe him how he's negotiating).
3. Can a guy wait? (observe him what a guy does when you don't rush things).
4. Can a guy listen to what you are saying and respond to it? (and then observe his behavior).
And now new number 5. "Looking for experiences" , yes, those guys do exist. They want to make exciting memories but not necessarily a relationship. Very true. They are looking for "peak experiences". And then they disappear after that peak experience and you are like "what?".
(.. for males checking out females change he to she)
Agreed. It’s VERY important to see how. Man handles being told “no” and other forms of conflict in a relationship.
Underrated comment 🙌
That's an A.C.T.O.R.
AVAILABILITY
CONQUEST
TOUR
OVER...
R U N
@@kimgordon3695 nice, never read it before 😎
Its funny to read women given women coaching how to behave with dating men. I will only give 1 coaching tip to any man. Women make rules for beta but break rules for alpha. Men lead, women follow. If a women is behaving like this she is not feminine and you should all just leave her with her cats and dogs.
What I love about my husband as he has never asked my messy ADHD self to change for him, and I haven't asked his Autistic anti social self to change. But its easy to sort of mesh together. We understand each other. We both can feel close, sitting saying nothing to each other.
Yes we do special things together, but just being together feels right.
We trust each other
That's my husband and me to the T!! Including the ADHD and Autism!! 😃
This is the wholesome goal that I've always wanted but worried my ADHD and or autism would sully it somehow since people have a hard time understanding me
But you gave me hope 🫂
If a partner asks you to change in ANY way, RUN., they do not accept you as YOU, warts and all.
Edit - OK I can see how this has been misconstrued - I assumed people would understand I mean "unless they are being assholes, abusive etc."
Please avoid using the term antisocial as it has the extremely negative connotations of the antisocial personality disorder.
Use the terms unsociable, reserved or reclusive instead.
That is beautiful and you guys are very lucky to have found such a love.💜
I've been here before. My ex had no real interest in me, but I provided a fun time and experience due to being highly agreeable and open to experience. It's not a fun place to be really into someone who is merely using you. So glad those days are behind me.
Agree, I’ve been there.
I appreciate you not shaming people who are just out there looking for experiences. There's nothing wrong with that as long as you are communicative as to what you are offering.
Exactly. TBH though I feel like the experience aspect was pretty obvious in this scenario. Otherwise what was the end game really?
Zero females are going to be good with that set up! Just pick a male friend to go get experience with.
@@Paarthurnaxdova this is my transparent approach and I've had a wonderful time with some lovely women. Sure some decline but some have interest in the same thing. So while that not be what you're looking for and that's great you know yourself, not everyone is you. To each their own.
Agreed.
Yes
Betraying ourselves in order to seek their validation. So powerful. Thank you!
Ding 🛎 ding 🛎 ding 🛎
Thank you 🕊❤️
I wish I had seen this prior to my last relationship. I laughed when you said waste a year because I wasted FIVE years on someone who did this. I got strung along for a big fat nothing in the end. I hope people take this seriously because it’s no joke. You can lose the best years of your life with these fools before you even realize it.
Hope you're doing well during the process of healing from this 🌹🙏🏾💓✨
NINE years for me 😆 😭
😔
At least you didn't waste 12 years hoping more would come out of it!!!!
9 years for me
First off, never sleep with anyone until you have a commitment. Sex will override getting to actually know a person. No sex, no remorse if it doesn’t work out. Life isn’t all about feelings. Learn that and you will follow your truth.
Too true. Women also need to understand that her brain on birth control hormones is attracted to men that her "regular" brain wouldn't be attracted to.
Sounds like you are shaming people who only want casual sex. Nothing wrong with it as long as you're honest with yourself and others.
@@godsire6217 yes, because factually ...there's no such thing. There are people using other people, but that's words used to clean up the reality
. Casual Sex just means the man doesn't want any responsibility for what might happen. And a woman is desperately seeking affirmation and a few brief moments of being wanted. It's ugly. It's degrading. It's horribly sad.
Is That your advice?
It's farcical.
Never sleep with anyone unless you're married to them and open to children.
@kitiwake, that ist not what's said. A commitement has not always to be a marriage and children.
But I wanted to say the same. as terrifiorelli9819.
Especially as a woman you should think about getting physical. Often men do not see any neccessarity of investing more in the relationship if they already get what they want. (It can of course also be women behaving this way but we all know how it works usually.😉)
There is no shame if both wants to get physical just to be physical, but women often believe the man will start to love them if they do and that is just a big mistake.
I do not want to blame anybody because of wanting sex or not wanting any more, but as one is only wanting that and the other one believes is a step to something more at least the second one will be disappointed.
So just make sure you both want the same grade of intimacy and relationship BEFORE you give more you would like to give at your lowest common denominator.
I learned that a partner is right for you when you can be yourself and be creative. When one is in a toxic relationship there is no personal growth. In my last marriage I was isolated and kept my head down and was so depressed. I never had a happy thought so how could I see myself painting or singing or laughing at anything?
You right, is not easy be yourself when we live in a society thst constantly judge you. Not wearing a mask with someone in your life and be truthfull and you true self is one of the major goal in a relation ship. Also being supportive, but being ourself (not in a toxic way) is a really wonderfull thing that many underrated
Also in toxic relationships you have to repeatedly teach common sense to grown ass adults.
@@frankharris3380 And it never sticks.
Indeed!
But there needs to be a bit more, like in this situation of the London trip. There has to be an actual interest in the person and a true commitment to making the relationship grow and improve.
Wow I’m immediately a fan. This guy really has emotional intelligence. He’s not teaching men to be the way “men think women like” but actually the way women like. He’s teaching women to understand men too. He’s teaching people about people. About themselves. It’s incredible. The perceptiveness of this guy
"Emotional intelligence" shouldn't trump rationality or perspective.
The men that his female clients actually want aren't watching his videos because they don't need to in order to get what they want.
The men that are watching his videos and doing what he recommends won't become more attractive to the women they want as a result.
That's the brutal reality of it all. You can't negotiate your way to genuine attraction.
I’m the way I like because I’m emotionally intelligent enough to not allow a RUclipsr to craft a personality for me to find hollow romance.
@@maloxi1472 - Emotional Intelligence has rationality and perspective at it's core.
I think you've missed the real point - your opinions say an awful lot about your attitudes towards women and men.
@@maloxi1472 The target audience of his videos and his work has always been women, not men. That's why he focuses on telling women what to look for in a guy and what to be themselves. He's not trying to change men, he's telling us how to find and attract the ones already worth being with.
I’ve never been able to understand what was going on, until now. Seeking the validation of someone who was incapable of anything but using me as a tool is… Eye opening. Thank you! 🙏
Me too, you're not alone in that.
Me too, he used me 4 years
Stay strong and love yourself first, cause you can't give to others what you do not have yourself!
It's a waste of time.
So much truth
My biggest RED FLAG, is when someone is happy to talk about themselves and be listened to, but when you want to talk they interrupt you with what they were thinking about while you were talking.
Sometimes you only get to say one word and they start talking again, even if they just asked how are you, lol 😂
I feel as though I do this and I try very hard to be aware and stop myself. I've been isolated in a 6 year relationship where I pretty much had to lose all of my friends to keep my ex. Now, I have such anxiety socially but also this feeling of freedom that when I do see friends I conoletely bulldoze the conversation and when it's time to go separate ways, I immediately think "FUCK I DID IT AGAIN HOW DID I NOT EVEN ASK ABOUT THEM". I usually send a text apologizing and explaining that. But it also worries me, do I really care about others or just myself, and how do I change? Not a direct question to you OP, but anyone who hopefully comes across this comment as well. Sigh. I know I do care. I'm just lost. 😮
I also have ADHD 🤦🏼♀️ (doctor diagnosed since 8 years old, so im not a pandemic person just saying I do lol). I've actually done this most of my life anyways. Just much worse now.
Sorry to hear of your plights, it can’t be easy for either of you, when chatting to others all I can suggest is imagine it’s a phone call, it needs balance between listening and talking, it’s how you get to know people, a bit like a first date, where you’re inquisitive but mindful of the other person needing time to get to know you. I know it’s very easy to dominate a conversation when you’ve recently done something exciting, and that’s why you meet friends to share and update them….but stop, breathe and listen to their life’s journey too.
I’m fortunate that in life I’ve had many varied jobs, hobbies, and interests, and being a good listener and learner, it meant when working with the homeless, I could easily relate to them and be empathetic.
Genuinely listening and talking so others feel comfortable is natural to me, but you can learn to do it, and it’s amazingly rewarding.
I love sharing the fun stuff I do with various groups of friends, but hearing their experiences enhances and inspires me too, to do more, and be a better friend, most importantly are they ok, do they need a hug, help or both.
JPS. Anyone who recognises and apologises for their mistakes is a ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ friend to me.
Or honestly someone who only listens and has nothing to say. They just sit there and look at you all starry eyed. Very boring.
Yup! This guy a dated every time we got on the phone he could not stop talking about himself and what he had going on… I sometimes would mute him! lol and he would even talk about other peoples lives and what not, like are you kidding me? It’s not bad enough you talk for an hour straight about yourself now your talking about people you know and what they do?! Ugh when he would ask about me or I would jump in once he took a breathier to have conversation with what he was saying he would cut me off. When together he would talk about celebrities! He once asked me why I don’t open up to him ummm 🤔. Stupid guy
I just went through this. He didn’t see me as a person, only someone to fulfill his needs. We were long distance, but when we would spend time together (sometimes weeks) I was always “taking care of him”, and he was all with the grand gestures and love bombing, so I at first thought it was an equal give and take. When we would be apart, all he started to want to talk about were sexual things after a while. When I confronted him about our lack of communication about our regular lives, he would ignore me completely. I started realizing he was a narcissist, and the cycle of grand gestures and going cold is just part of how they operate. Once they get what they need, they don’t consider the other person at all. It’s still hard to look at those romantic times with the knowing that it was all a facade to get what he wanted from me, but I’m glad I realized my needs weren’t getting met at all.
Such a similar story to mine...
Sad!
Yep. Been there. 😣
You’re not the only one, been there too.
Stay strong!!!
Thank you for sharing your story 🙏
It was awesome that you realised this soon!
Stay strong 🙏
Greetings from South Africa 💌
Wow, ‘experiences vs connection’ - communication is everything!
This video is amazing! I understood the escence of what was wrong in my 6 years relationship.I will be always grateful to you for it!!!!!❤
Be with me in my everyday chores and struggles, don't come to me just to enjoy some big moments.
👍
All this is simple.
"When they show you who they are the first time, believe them." Maya Angelou
#louderforthepeopleintheback 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
😁
Yea, but let's add-NOT who they are in the beginning!!!!!!!!!!!! It could be a MASK on...😉If YOU'RE READING this message YOU'VE BEEN WARNED😁
@@blesseddeshawna89 it's always one. By showing you who they are, mask on or off, you'll know if you know.
Yup which is why I'm in the mess I'm in today.
I feel like this particular red flag is the most dangerous (and harmful) to those of us whose primary love language is quality time. 😔
True
@@dawazagaming Where did you hear him say they had sex?
If they had sex after finally meeting once the pandemic eased up, thats at least a year of time. Is a year not long enough for an adult woman trust the man she's been getting to know?
Why is it seen as stupid for her and not for him even though he is the one exhibiting bad behavior?
I hope that you dont misunderstand me and think that I am asking these questions to pick a fight because I will not be responding after this. These questions are purely rhetorical to make you think, because clearly you did not think that comment all the way through before posting it. 😊
@@lynnthomas9452 No. The other person's comment was just very abusive and probably got deleted, so now mine looks kinda weird there by itself. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I'm not sure what you mean by this. Can you please explain some more? Is it about valuing quality time over day to day interaction?
Being a quality time person is a fate worse than herpes. You poor guy.
Oh dang...this video makes me realize I'm looking to have experiences, but not intimate relationships. I just want a companion to do stuff with. 😕 I guess I need to very open and honest right up front. Thank you for this video.
Even better that you realise this already!
Same.
Really great to communicate cause that allows you to find people aligned with you
That's very brave of you to open up and be honest about your feelings.
Haha
As a Man, Every single date I've ever been on in my past I've invested myself 100% in that date. Must of spent thousands between dinner dates and movies and other things. I insisted on being the man and treated the woman right. Went out of my way to be the best man I could be. The women loved it. But they just dragged me on. And the second I said lets make this real and continue exploring it, let's start a relationship they all ran. Mind you I gave nearly all women 2 months each of my time and money and I got NOTHING back in terms of investment in me and starting a relationship. And I don't play around. Once I end something it's done. I move on. But it got to a point I just said ENOUGH. 5 months back I stopped actively looking for love and relationship and started living my life and focusing on me. I figured if a woman is interested she'll let me know and she'll chose me. Otherwise, I'm just going to keep improving and living a great life. Tired of spending cash, spending my time, spending my mental capacity and getting nothing back. I'm simply done. I'm carving my own path now. And if someone wants to join, ok. If not, That's ok too. 👍
If I asked you out, I would buy
There are many superficial and material women around. They just keep playing with other people's feelings. You have taken the best decision ever under these circumstances.
I don't blame you at all... And I'm glad you wrote that. I may have been guilty of being of those "running women " back in the day. Now I am more cognizant of the man's feelings. But that's where genuine communication comes in. Letting women know that you're looking for a mature relationship, not a nonstop Disney ride. 🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️🙋🏽♀️🙋🏽♀️
@@JoannaCubana I hear you. But I did mention it up front. This was while I was using dating apps. And I made it clear that I'm not about games and I'm looking for something real. Still even putting that up front When I meant what I said they ran. I mean if everything was going well and it felt like there was something genuine why would a woman run when a guy says lets make this a thing? I never understood that when basically we already had something going. Anyways. I've moved on sense. :)
@@leosthrivwithautism Thank you for your reply 🦋
This is SUCH a brilliant explanation of having (fun) experiences vs taking clear steps towards building and maintaining (closer) intimacy. I heard recently "'Maybe he doesn't love you, but he enjoys you."
I am my own North star ⭐. I divorced him 11 years ago and have become the person I was meant to be, not the target of his tantrums..
The greatest love is the one you have for yourself 💓
Amen!!!❤😂🙏🥂. And it’s fine the date people but women please quit sleeping with him. You’re making it too easy had these guys are married is screwing on their wives.
You're the only person you have to spend 24/7 with, so make sure you take care of you.
great advice. reminds me of a saying / "don't make anyone a priority who considers you an option."
This isn't exactly a match for "Love bombing" but I think it's close enough to be equally a red flag. A lover bomber is someone who invests big into you, and then pulls away after a couple weeks to get you to do all the giving in the relationship for the rest of your life (or usefulness to the other person) And if you don't keep it up, they leave you for someone else.
Best description of love bombing.
there's actually a word for this;
narcissist
these type of people will love bomb, get you to open up then after all the lust has worn off, they will pull away emotionally and regrettably, start using your honesty and empathy against you.
@@Gesteppie yes, narcissists always love bomb
Yeah, this is like, love grenade 😅
I wondered what lovebombing meant
Thanks so much
YOU ARE BRILLIANT.
As simple as that:
'Energy flows where attention goes.'
What this means in my book is he's a love addict. He loves the feeling of being in love and excitement - but doesn't want real love. Love can be boring but it's rewarding that these people won't ever understand. Him getting on a plane is exciting for him because he's getting a dopamine high but he isn't looking for closeness.
Matthew I love your wisdom!! ❣️
Sounds like my ex-husband and they become man whores
This is a very very interesting aspect. This kind of getting excited, the whooosh of dopamin but not the real deep intimacy. Well I confess that it must happen to everybody to like this excitement but I think if one feel that this is all or asymetric this is the end of the ‚ relationship‘
Except this is not love, but mere Limerence (ie toxic attachment)
The big experience thing is derived from movies he's seen - life feeding on art.
I had a similar situation with a man I was speaking to long distance. He would get on the phone with me and then within 10-15 minutes he would make some excuse to get off the phone. So I asked him why he wasn’t trying to communicate with me and if I made him feel bored. He said that wasn’t it at all.
I told him I’d prefer to have longer, high quality conversations so we can know each other. He listened to me and our relationship developed quickly. Now we’re married and I moved to his country and I’m watching him cook me dinner while I’m making this comment. 😂
Things can really rebound if you address the issue AND THEY LISTEN and your intentions are aligned.
❤
This rings true for me. Last guy I dated basically wanted to slot me into the role his ex played, doing the things they liked doing together, but which weren’t what I enjoyed. He didn’t want to learn about me, just have me pop into the space left by her, including assuming I was on board rather than asking. It was actually a little creepy. I’m glad I twigged quickly and said adios.
My ex. Survived.
Yes I've experienced that, too. Then he started getting a bit irritated when I wouldn't dress or act the way his ex would have. I never met his ex!
Oh, no. Adios!
I experienced the same with my last ex. Basically he was grooming me to turn into his deceased wife, to do the things she did, act like she did, even look like she did. I caught on and left him
@@Kat-tr2ig glad you made it out! Scary how psycho some people are huh
@@whereisyourhumanity7557 Reminds me of Scottie in Hitchcock’s Vertigo-insisting that Judy wear the same clothes and hair as Madeleine. Creepy.
I’m 73…having had 4 older brothers, 2 sons, grandson, 17 male cousins and knowing countless men in business and personal life, you are so right. Men want the pleasure or your body not you heart or mind in general. Eventually they will choose to get serious, until then it’s all about pleasure for themselves and how to get it.
You really believe this only applies to men? 😮
@@yellard6785it’s too much of a risk for women in general.
@@redvelvetshoes In regards to physical abuse, yes.. But watch out for poisoners, higher of assassins and thug associates/new bfs. In regard to emotional and financial abuse, I don't think there is any gender difference.
@@yellard6785what does any of that have to do with men using a woman's body like a toy?
You nailed it! Some are incapable of intimacy but need experiences with others and/or need others to care for without the need/desire for knowing and being known. Super red flag: when they never ask sincerely how you are or how your life is going.
I have found true unconditional love in my my 2 little rescued kittens who have grown into 2 beautiful Cats.. I love them with all my heart and they love me back.. the best part is ..this love will never become less or get lost in time.. i feel i dont need the love of a human anymore.
When men have the financial means to offer “grand gestures” there is often no deeper meaning to it, for them the cost is insignificant, but the result is an over romanticised connection by the other person who is getting caught up in the excitement of a grand gesture.
He is looking for fulfilment in the moment, and she is looking for fulfilment in a relationship. The two are very different dynamics.
Always communicate your needs and pay attention to the actions of others.
Great comment! So true
Yes, this happened to me. He would buy me almost anything I wanted because he was a high earner-which in the beginning made me feel he was REALLY into me; however, he barely made the effort to really get to know me. It was a very surface level relationship and I eventually ended it.
@@FTYC2022 it’s like a type of love bombing. The person doesn’t always realise the impact of offering such a grand gesture because to them the cost is insignificant, but for someone who perhaps isn’t used to that type of treatment, we interpret it as “wow, he must be really interested in me and invested in where this is going.” Often in this type of dynamic you’ll also see apologies in the forms of gifts. Not a great foundation for a relationship.
@@outlinehappiness exactly!
It’s good to repeat what everyone has just watched isn’t it…
You have no idea how grateful I am about your message…this is a confirmation that I did the right thing letting go someone who was not for me! ❤️
Me too 🌸❤️
Same. Mine was all about the fun times, taking me out for dinner, away on trips, but it felt hollow, shallow, and meh in the time in between. Dreadful communicator when we weren't apart, it was the boring texts and 3 minute chats about nothing, never going deeper, that got me in the end and I finished it. It's lovely being treated and taken out when you've barely had that in your life, but if that's all there is, it's boring after a while.
OMG same
I think relationship wise my North Star is telling me I need to find myself more than I need a man right now. If one comes along without me even trying to put myself out there, then time will tell if it's meant to be. 🍒
If I had heard this 40 years ago, I would have run from the marriage I had in this type of relationship. Although I am late to the party, I am grateful to you for doing this for anyone else that is at the beginning of the same situation and can recognize it and make better decisions. 💞
I came to this realization approximately 2 years ago and this is gold! It was also a painful realization. I’d rather get on with life on an ugly truth, rather than a pretty lie. Great insight!
Matthew, I have watched many many videos of yours, but, in my humble opinion, this was the best one.
The message of finding ones North Star and, as a result of it, gaining self respect and therefore being able to say no to the things that do not help us reach out North Star is such an important message.
This video has a very empowering, clear, lesson.
You are probably not going to see this message, but Thank you for that.
I saw it 🙂. Thank you so much Claudia.
Agree so much. That 1 trip can cause us a year.
@@thematthewhussey just to let you know.. Someone has nicked your profile picture and is replying to posts saying WhatsApp me with a number!! 🙈
@@thematthewhussey you make good videos😀
What s yr north star?
My traumatised self watching all of these videos even when things aren’t bad 😂
🤣🤣🤣
900
Same!
You and I both 🙄
Damn me too
This is one of those issues I have observed more with men who have money than men of more modest means. Those with money want to do fun things for which they need a companion- like fine dining, concerts or theater. I once dated a man who treated me to truly AMAZING events. Really, the most incredible dates. But in the end, I realized that the attraction wasn’t to me for me. It was that I liked to do the same things as he did.
Can you clarify that? If you enjoy things you like together, aren't you guys having fun together?
@@michaelyoon9355 I think what they mean is that there’s a difference between wanting to do an activity with a person because that person is someone you want to make happy and whose company you enjoy, and doing something with a person just because they happen to be available/like doing the same things.
@@michaelyoon9355 Yes, we were having fun together. And that would be fine. But if your goal is a long lasting romantic relationship, you can tell if it is going to go anywhere. Some men only want a companion to do things. They don't want a life partner. People need to be more specific about their ultimate goals.
@@michaelyoon9355 there is a lot more to a relationship than just having fun together. You have to have similar core values and be on a parallel path.
It's not mostly men with money. The people with less money just do it differently. Mine devotes all him time and attention 1 time every 2 weeks outside of that it's ghost town. He cooks (instead of fine dining) puts on special Playlists (instead of concerts). I think they are trying to get a fix of a relationship without the relationship. Like they don't want just a fling, but they don't want the whole package so they do this. I know Mathew said there's nothing wrong with it. But there is when they know you want more so they string you along (which is where I'm at now)
Never go to the middle of nowhere with someone you don't know
Best advice here!
Met woman on a flight not long ago. We spent a weekend together, on the second day we went about 160 k into the wilderness.
No worries about that...? @@fantabuloussnuffaluffagus
@@fantabuloussnuffaluffagushow was that?
@@zaheenwahid6904 ? Fine.
I spent 17 years with someone, betraying my North Star.
I grew up with surprisingly strong self-esteem despite emotional neglect from my parents, and I never put it together that I really started hating myself when I started chasing validation from people who didn't value me...you've given me something to think about...
Bang on the nail
Thank you!! I actually pushed someone away for this reason, and after that had a bit of a bitter taste because I wasn’t sure if I made the right decision, this confirms my decision and strengthens me to do the same next time.
So very true, every word. My "little trip" was 4 years of weekends that eventually went no where. Four years of my life I will never get back. It's amazing how our needs lead us into directions we really don't want to go in.
Thank goodness he's promoting this significant difference between men and women. Broadly speaking.
Matthew! That you said is TOTALLY CORRECT! I realized it early and I decided to be brave and loyal to myself and don't lie myself. But before that a couple of times I refused to see reality. I learned my lesson until the third time. And it's a super power! ... Please don't sabotage your own path. If we want a relationship with empathy communication, to be heard and listen, mutuality, integrity, honesty, respect... Start with ourselves.
Coming out of a DV relationship and through healing I'm doing better at noticing red flags. Also have the mindset to not get attached quickly and keep my boundaries firm. I love that you share this information
I’m sorry you went through that. It’s almost been a year since I left mine and I’ve come so far and it still feels surreal. Stay strong, you’re not alone and I hope we’ll both experience greater depths of love that we deserve from various relationships (romantic, familial, friendship) xx
Matthew Hussey is a gift to women.
And men 🙌🏻 I’m actually guilty of doing this and it’s thanks to this wonderful man that I’ve just recognised it. Thankyou Mathew Hussey 🙌🏻
and men.
*Women do not need gifts like this. WOMEN need to grow up.*
And to men! This is universal
Now imagine his girlfriend reading this?
Amazing, the way you described my own experience! I asked my partner whether I was simply a supplier of good experiences or if there was more in our relationship. He said the question made absolute sense and it was also about me and our relationship. But in fact our communication was very poor, he avoided any "deep" conversation. To cut the story short, our North stars were very different. And I looked the other way instead of acknowledging that that relationship was leading to nowhere but deceiving and disappointment. We split two weeks ago, it aches a lot and I now have to put myself together. It will take a long time, you are so right!
Hope you are doing better now. I’m going through it just now 😅
I’m so sorry to hear this, but it’s good you have done this. If you stayed longer, who knows what might have been left of you. You dodged a bullet. I know what you’re going through but you’re better off without your ex. I can speak from experience when I say that you’ll be relieved eventually and be so much better in a moment of time. Just keep him where he belongs: behind you. Stay strong beautiful person, never let your crown slip off your head for someone who is below you. You got this, I believe in you just like how I believed in myself back then. I recognize your story.
@@kwonjiyong9684 sending love back at ya ❤️ thank you for this amazing encouraging message to a total stranger. Bless you
@@iamhamou9897 Reading messages like yours at the end of the day really makes me feel so good! I’m sending you all the love back because you deserve so.
What I thought was “romantic” years ago, I now realise was a huge red flag. Turning up unexpectedly, wanting to spend every waking moment with me (effectively controlling what I was doing and who I was seeing). Even my kids say I attract the “stalker” type!
Omg same! For some reasons, I tend to attract the controlling and toxic types and just. Why. What am I doing to deserve that. I'm honestly wondering if it's because my masked autism seems through a bit still and these people see cracks to exploit for their personal benefit (and to my detriment)? It's a really uncomfortable situation.
SAME
A while back I moved to another city for work, I had no girl friends to hang out with. I met my neighbour .She was friendly we went out for drinks and she suddenly kissed me.I didn't know she was gay . Got a bit awkward decided to avoid her. She turned out to be Crazy stalker type . Stole my clothes from downstairs laundry would wait under my bld in her car for hours .
@@unrulycrow6299 I do wonder what traits I display that I attract these types. Probably my goodwill, almost naiveté, not good with setting boundaries and loyalty. I think I'm also attracted to toxic types due to them being familiar to me due to toxic childhood and I find the types that'd be good for me uninteresting, almost boring. Once I start dating again, I think I'll have to be much more intentional.
@@kokoskokso well, start setting boundaries then! And right from the start! You'll see that most toxic psychos and narcs will leave you alone in a blink of an eye!
Had this type of relationship 25 years ago. Always on the go, always a new experience, barely any time to catch my breath. Oh, it was so exciting meeting so many new people (everywhere we went we ran into people he knew), but the VERY subtle tell that this wasn't going anywhere is a comment he would always make when we would meet up. He said, "You're the girlfriend I always wanted." Not life partner. Not wife. Not mother of my children. Girlfriend. That's all he wanted, a girlfriend to have exciting experiences with. I wasted 5 years of my life on this guy. Smh.
Red Pill Rule N°1; Never let a woman distract you from your purpose. Eyes on the finish line.
@@EMichaelBall Is the finish line crying in the shower all alone because your life is just an empty shell devoid of real love and connection?
@UnicornsAreNice No. In fact, you’d be surprised how satisfying it is for men, especially those over 30, to come home to no nagging, fights, irrational thinking, or a hardened battle axe. We can dedicate ourselves to hobbies, friends, or absolutely nothing at all, without anyone berating us for it, or interfering in our wallets. Our brains fundamentally work differently and more logically than yours; The Lone Wolf Channel, Man Talk, and Alexander Grace are the best at explaining how the two sexes think. It’s women who are the ones crying in the shower all alone because their life is just an empty shell devoid of real love and connection after we went our own way.
@@EMichaelBall Well then, your attitude has gotten you to exactly where you want to be! Kudos!!
@@EMichaelBall Then just stay single. That's logical.
This is such an important piece of advice! It’s so important to stay in alignment with your core values.
Lest you kind of lose your center over the course of a 10 year relationship and your partner develops an addiction to stimulants and very suddenly hanging out with you is their 4th, 5th, 6th favorite thing to do and it causes you to question your very self worth and perception. Life is an incredible learning experience
As a famous guy wrote a couple of centuries ago 'To thine own self be true'.
True: we may even see the Red flags but we discount them as not being significant as we want to give the new relationship a chance & the new person the benefit of the doubt..
repeats the Empath (aka: Target)
Nailed it
Imagine a relationship without any red flags.. im starting to wonder if it even exist
All of the things we did together while dating were things that we enjoyed together-so I thought. We weren’t attached at the hip or wearing matching shirts-we had differences and that’s good.
When I moved in and the door closed most things I might say about him were dropped. So the spiritual athlete who watched funny shows didn’t work out anymore, pursue spiritual things and only watched the news. To each his own but people make decisions based on such things. When someone doesn’t care to share a life with you and just wants you in THEIR life I think they are missing something and you will find yourself on a lonely island. When does their pretense of affection drop? When is your support system removed?
It might be anxious attachment. They are too afraid to share their true self for fear of rejection.
@@Blonde111 I'm so sorry.
@@somegenerichandle Some people just don't like sharing their life so intensely, that's it. They just don't feel comfortable with it, they're value their privacy and freedom more than are frightful of loneliness. But it doesn't mean they are introverts separating themselves from others, they also need human experiences, and by that I don't mean sex. People are different in needed level of engaging in relationships, trying to find some traumatic experience in their life causing this is similar to trying 'heal' homosexuality stating it must have been some 'bad touch' in childhood or whatever.
Or he might just be abusive. Lying and pretending so you would move in with him, perhaps provide for him. It's exhausting to maintain a façade, especially one that has served it's purpose. Next step is denial that anything has changed, followed by anguished talks to your friends about how *you* have changed, possibly tears. That is when your support system crumbles.
@@Night-lh9xj It's covert narcicism ps
Girls, the only way to be sure what someone wants and why is that person doing something is to remember: the Guy who is interested indeed will never keep you wondering, the guy who wants a deep relationship shows it. Every other variation is either a red flag of his personality or simply that person is not interested that much. Accept it even though it has many variations, and it is sometimes not easy to detangle. My experience from a multicultural environment is that simply the only solution to wondering...is to stick with the sentence I wrote above. Matt made another wonderful video saying it nicely as always:)
Thank you so much. N.M, it's never been easy for me to understand, relationship business. I have time to heal and I'm going to take care of myself. There could be a person for me. No rush, I'm a young at heart person at 63.5 years.
@Rhea Mickens Thank you, your explanation helped me too.
When a man bares all and offers no mystery, you dump him lol
@@dannywholuv You never dump a man because he has shown interest. It's always something else. Simple as that.
This is not my experience. In my experience, the first weeks or months of dating with a person involves a lot of push and pull, and committing to the person as you're getting to know them. And how could it be any different? You can't know whether you want a deep relationship with a person on the first date, or at least not responsibly. If you're not wondering whether this could be something more or not during the first few months, doesn't that leave you open to miscommunications and traumas? How could you know for sure whether you want a deep relationship with someone after talking for less than 50 hours? Or do you perhaps have a different definition of "wondering"?
Agree! When a person provides an answer BUT -not an answer to the question/issue/discussion being proposed that is a form of control.
This had to be the biggest wake up call ever. I never knew why I was so upset with my choices and so depressed Everytime this kind of man and I ended up ending things. This is now crystal clear
I had a cat that liked everybody until I came home with my boyfriend, she went for him and hurt him…. He was bad news and she felt it. She doesn’t live anymore but I’m still proud of her.😢😊
Animals are the best friends as well as alarms, we, as humans, need to pay better attention. 💛
Happened to me... I didn't listen to what my sweet Prissy Kitty was trying to tell me. He killed her not long after we married. I moved back home with my mother and divorced him. I grieve for my little girl even now. She loved me and was just trying in her own little way to protect me from this evil person. Bless you my sweet girl❤🙏
@@darlened9631 I’m so sorry for your lost ✌️🇳🇱
I'm sorry, honey.
I wish I had listened to my cat, also❤ @@darlened9631
Seriously?
This was a light bulb moment for me. My last relationship was around experiences not listening communication. Not about what was important to me, thank you this have been valuable for me
when I met my boyfriend, two days after we met on a night out he asked me if he could 'use my washing machine' because his had supposedly broken. I said yes and he showed up in the morning with a bag of fresh coffee - he had washed his clothes by hand the night before and said he really just wanted to see me and go on a picnic 😄 It was a major green flag and we've been together ever since
I was just having a similar conversation with someone who wanted to do more activities together which is great but I also conveyed how the more regular, even mundane things like checking in and just taking the time to share pieces of ourselves and spending time discovering who we are and talking about our relationship too, e.g. any problems, miscommunictions, priorities,
feedback is healthy and positive as it's time well spent with the activities and experiences are the whipped cream and cherries on top of any cake of a relationship. Having been a widow for four years now, after a 30+ year relationship with my husband and best friend, I'm not missing the activities and experiences, I'm missing the more grounded of talking, checking in and catching up. I know we've gotten to the point where we know what each other was thinking and how each other would react but that's what I miss the most: I miss my partner.
You are expecting this older man you are seeing to be a certain way. He's a man. The fact that he's with you is the most important thing.( I'm a guy). I respect your long marriage, but this guy can't compete with a man who has passed away. Value your boyfriend for who he is because older women don't have the pick of the litter. Millions of lonely women out there. Your list of demands should he about 5 items long. (Non abusive, reasonably trustworthy, etc)
@@GUITARTIME2024 Oh, no, I wasn't talking to a boyfriend. I was talking to a friend about relationships and using my marriage as an example.
Of course, I'd value any guy who I'm interested in building that connection with as a new connection but he would understand that I would have set up boundaries and expectations on what I loved about my last relationship and demonstrate that in the new relationship with that person. As a result of losing my partner, I came away with some valuable lessons on how I could be a better partner to someone.
Just one other note, older women don't have pick of the litter because they're less desireable; the litter itself has gotten smaller. Older gentlemen have given up with misogynistic attitudes thinking they're better off without us and also there is the sad fact that there is an epidemic of suicide in middle-aged men, some in already committed relationships. There's a mental health crisis because most men don't have the emotional support systems that they used to have and that women still have.
@@GUITARTIME2024 Can I ask you something? You say the fact that a man is with a woman is the most important thing. I definitely agree. But I'm curious about your nuance in how you define "with".
To what degree and in what areas can a man stray from being "with" a woman before he is no longer "with" that woman?
For example, if a man is flirting with women in person or online, does that mean he isn't "with" his partner? Can a man be "with" a woman if in his mind, he's daydreaming about and seeking thoughts of and experiences of being aroused by and arousing to other women?
Or if a man is investing his excited emotional energy in another woman, and when he comes to home to his partner he is just a normal regular every day guy, without the excitement, emotional energy, interest, pep in his step, or "desire" to engage with his partner in the same way he is desiring and engaging with other women? How does that affect whether he is "with" his partner?
I'm just curious what your perspective is about what it looks like for an older adult man to be in a healthy relationship. At what point does his interest in other women become "disrespectful" to the point that you would consider that he is no longer "with" his partner? Or that he is not capable of being in a healthy relationship?
@@Lucky9_9 long story short: if he's s reasonably good guy, but seems to get little crushes or a little flirty with other women, let it go unless it goes beyond that. Guys can love their wife or long term gf very much but still have their mental energies diverted sometimes. Its how we're built. We compartmentalize. My main advice: make him feel wanted and valued, and get frisky in bed. So many women forget this.
@@Lucky9_9 I lost interest in their opinion when they said older women don't have the pick of the litter. So basically settle and take what you can get as long as they're alive and don't abuse you. Women deserve better than that.
You're the first one I've watched a dating advice for that actually makes sense and respects people's differences. Not like the other "gurus" who build their branding on misogyny, patriarchal ideals, and shaming. The advice works for anyone too, not just women.
When I started spending time with Jim...he was working on getting his masters as a middle aged man. We discussed that both of us were limited financially. We agreed that we enjoy spending time together. We agreed that the activities that we did together would be free! Walks. Bag lunch. Free concerts. Hiking. Time with friends. Volunteering. It was amazing how many activities we could come up with! Leaving $$$$$ out of relationships seems to focus more on who the other person is....morals, integrity, character, etc.
Aww. 😭 I hope I can find a relationship like this one day. It's exhausting to me when a relationship and the time spent together always revolves around spending a bunch of money. I want to someday find a partner who is willing to have fun with me even if we don't spend a single dollar. I do enjoy doing things that cost money sometimes, but I have found in past relationships that ive been with people who can't seem to have fun unless money is being spent. (Not even just with me specifically, but in general it seemed like they couldn't have fun unless they were doing something that costs money.)
100%
I am so glad that I finally (at age 42), found a Man that is a good fit for me.
Dating and/or being with Men that did not invest what I invested into the relationship is heart breaking. It’s no joke…. It can be suicide inducing for many of us.
I would advise to keep trying…. Eventually (odds are) you will find the right Person for you.
Thank you for this! I'm 42 and nothing. Never been married. I just don't want to have hope anymore. Every year I hope, hope, and nothing happens.
I am so grateful for this video. Came at the right time when I’m coming to terms with what I truly want and all the times I settled for breadcrumbs. My last experience was with someone who would make these grand gestures, we were also long distance. Communication would die out when we were apart. I let myself invest in him and get emotionally vulnerable when he was closed off. We went on a trip, had the best time and a few days later after confronting him, he broke it off over text message. I was involved with this person for over 6 months. It hurt like hell for a while but now I know when to cut it off when things like that emerge. Thank you.
Its his loss dear for just wanting a casual relationship with you..You dodged a bullet. All the best in your search..🤗💗
Wow, the betrayal of yourself and needing validation from this kind of situation/person, really hit home. This video spoke to me today, like ultimate truth, thank you, Matthew.
My husband’s communication improved a lot when I asked. Some men don’t know how to communicate in relationships.
My first and second marriages were full of grand gestures but the everyday lacked dubstep they fell apart, especially when lies and infidelity entered the mix. My current boyfriend texts me every day and night and the hours in between; we talk every day for several hours while he’s traveling about our life experiences, dreams, frustrations, our likes and dislikes and more; we make plans for our future; and he follows through on everything he says he will do. I finally found my person who is genuine and truly loves me for me. When you find the one, you know. It just clicks. ❤
Thank you for this video. I have realized that I am the person who wants an experience and my boyfriend is looking at a full future together. I need to make this right.
Good for you! 😺 And good luck 🍀
Good for you! I'm just getting old enough to realize this too--some people come in and out of your life. A goodbye for now is not a goodbye forever, esp if you leave on good/friendly terms. If you're honest and upfront now and he respects that, who knows? Maybe when you're ready to have a future he'll be available and you'll hit it off again
@@hollys6299 I feel like this is a mistake a lot of women make. If you aren’t ready, cool, but don’t think he’s going to be there in the future. If he is looking for something long term and real, he deserves that and will find it with someone else. He’ll see you didn’t appreciate him being a good guy the first time around. I mean, put yourself in his shoes. Would you accept being told he doesn’t want to commit and then take him back later when he’s ready? Heck no.
V Sand even if he does get married in the meantime, the divorce rate is a coin flip at this point so yeah there's still a chance either way. I never said it was a guarantee.
And yeah I've been in this position and took my ex back. I repected his honesty and was grateful for it. The only guy i ever gave a second chance to and it was mainly bc i appreciated the courage it took to be that honest w someone. Didnt work out, but i have no regrets and look back on our time fondly.
Seems like its a deal breaker for you and thats cool. To each their own.
@@hollys6299 I’ve never dated a man who hasn’t wanted to commit to me. I’ve just never been interested in games so I choose men who don’t play any. The divorce rate is high because of women, actually. Women initiate divorce at a very high rate statistically. I read your response to my husband. He said wow…that’s a woman to avoid, talk about a red flag for a man. Not trying to offend, just maybe as women we should think about the male perspective if we want to have a future with a good one.
This reminds me of a non-romantic interaction between myself and an old employer which I believe still had a strong aspect of what you’ve discussed here. He wanted me to spend more time on the road (contrary to what I was hired to do). I explained that I disliked driving because it was stressful, my vehicle needed 600 dollars worth of repairs, and I wasn’t hired to do so much driving in the first place. I asked him for a couple weeks to save some cash, get the repairs done, and consider if I wanted to stay onboard by accepting the change in my work duties. He immediately arranged and paid for my car to be repaired. At face value, he was nipping one of my major concerns in the bud as well as being financially generous. But I ultimately left that job because what he was actually doing was being dismissive. He was throwing me a sop. The message his actions conveyed was not, “I’m here to help.” It was, “There. That oughtta shut you up for a while. Now, back to MY needs..”
I love your name. I had a friend who I had a running joke going on with a spatula. Thanks for the memory.
From a business perspective, sounds like he was just trying to solve the problem with your car so you would do more driving. I guess that also translates into him not caring about your stress over driving
Well you offered him that option by giving him a list of reasons why you didn't want to be on the road. So he made your vehicle secure, being male he "solved" the issue in his mind that made you stressed on the road. So like in relationships if you list fringe things you'd like changed, vs the core issue, it confuses the communication. Boss I don't like driving for work. Home...I don't like how you swear at me....vs I don't like how you talk and I wish you'd put your dishes in the dishwasher. You get the dishwasher behaviour changed but he still calls you swear words cause he didn't hear the issue.
Very true, Joy. Thank you.
Hmm.. that sounds like my mother, a narcissist. She does that constantly, it’s dismissive , alright, and feeds their ego.
This is exactly what I needed to watch. I've been chasing a guy I like for the past year and it has been emotionally draining because his values aren't aligned with mine and he doesn't want a relationship like I do. We even talked about it, I had the courage to confess how I feel to him and we had a mature and honest conversation, which I wholeheartedly appreciate. I don't want to chase him anymore. Thank you for sharing a video like this. I love hanging out with him because he makes me feel good and safe, but that's only for that moment or evening we see each other. For the rest of the time, I am longing and yearning for him, but he does not put in any effort and I'm the one that drives the conversations, I'm the one that asks questions. I'm tired! You are absolutely correct: doing what is best for us doesn't make us feel good, but it is for our own good. Chasing a person isn't worth the time, effort, or energy when they aren't into you. It hurts and it takes time to process it and get over it and move on, but when you hear someone else tell you these things, it opens your eyes. God bless you. 💖
Spot on
Sadly, I feel you so much! It is so hard to let go, but I absolutely have to do it or else I am losing my mind...
Big red flag you’re chasing stop find somebody that deserves you
Maybe try to do regularly things that make you feel good ( if you don't know, that's a good reason to start exploring things). And try to understand what you mean when you said " he makes you feel safe", what kind of safety or assurance do you feel while being with him?( then trying to fill this by doing something for yourself).
Sounds like something that happened to me during a time when i had very low self esteem. Its was attachment and he was a narc. The experience opened my eyes and changed my perspective on those things and my opinion about humans and their behavior. Now I realized that love is all an ilusion aided by sexual desires, need for validation, and low self esteem. I'm so different now, alot stronger, healthier, improved self esteem, and more selfish. No longer a people pleasure or "nice" guy. I dont give a crap about people's opinions or judgments, no longer a "yes" man. Now I do what I want, the way I want, when I want, without a worry or an ounce or regret ever again.
This is by far the best video I've seen of your advice. Things can seem very alluring, and exciting but they are detrimental to your end goal. You have to choose to spend your time solely on your goal, anything else is getting off track. So on point about self-worth decreasing when engaging in these behaviors. This happens without us realizing it.
I went through this experience with my ex girlfriend, and I did see all the superficial grandiosity and red flags from the beginning, but wanted to just play along and see what will happen, almost like a social experiment.., well, she ended things completely abruptly one day after she realized that I started becoming more personal, more involving, more deep with her! She was actually looking for a way out of the relationship, since it was becoming a real relationship! Not worth ignoring the red flags and surrendering to a grandiose person's advancements, if you are looking for a serious life long relationship!!! My ex was self proclaimed social butterfly, and that was the biggest red flag from the start.., I was just for show, nothing meaningful to her!
I also just had experienced like you. It was my first time long distance relationship. Now I felt I don't trust or involve myself with long distance relationship or from socail media anymore. One time enough!! My past, hurt, lesson to learnt.
I had experience like u too i saw the redflags but i wanted to see what will happen if we be together and afterall he just left without saying anything
@@siabeanie7328 I am so sorry. How long was this? This will be the lesson to learn! Becareful! For me I trusted too much, loved too believed too much and it cause hurt so much! But everything going to be better, we will pass this and we will be stronger! Thanks for the failed one so that we can recognize the right one for us!
@@FoodsBudgetRecipes same! never do a LDR relationship ever again!
I was the show piece and the house slave in my first marriage. Money and equity was what he was interested in the most. We dated for 2.5 years I saw flags but thought all couples went through this. We were in the same town and met through a friend. We married and were together 26 years. I had to always change something about myself for him. It was just nuts to live through. I had big financial losses and I was not looking back when I left. My second marriage was a
Long distance relationship it was 10 times worse in 14 months. I'm thankful for friends who had my best interest at heart.
This is common in male male dating too, I find the best approach is to have a conversation in the first few weeks about ‘what is it that you like about being in a relationship’? And then follow that up myself with my north star, which is, yes building a bond and closeness and interest/share in each other’s life that is beyond what I’d have with a friend.
As someone who has never been in a relationship but did try to connect with a guy recently, I realized I also did this same thing. Part of the thing for me is that I feel like I best connect with people through experiences and then that will form a connection that organically leads into me being able to talk to them more and get more emotionally intimate over text and such. That’s because that’s how I’ve always best formed friendships. But I am seeing now how this can look from the other side so I needed this callout. Thank you for this.
Just be on your own and enjoy what you love doing and don’t confirm to toxic expectations and obligations. Life is too short.
Really loved that point about "North Star": You should know what you are looking for. "The most important thing is that every decision you make has to be in line with what takes you closer to that North start" ❤... Thank you MH☺
If your goal (North Star) is to find real love, step away as soon as you have to do something that is not natural for you and you need to force it.
LOVE SHOULD NEVER BE FOUGHT FOR!
THE END.
Yes, absolutely!!!
Thank you. Simplicity is best.
Thank you so much for making it clear! I went through marriage with someone like that. Something told me there was a problem there from the beginning, but people close to me, especially my family, reacted as if I was crazy, ungrateful, and made me believe I was a horrible person. I wanted true connection, not grandiose gestures.
I was seeing someone about 4 yrs ago. After our first two dates I was glad I had met him. We spent a lot of time hanging out. Within a month I picked up the first red flag when he and I were on the phone one evening. He was being quiet,wasn't saying much. I asked if he was okay, he says "Yeah, why?" I told him "You just don't seem up for conversation." He then said, "I've just had a long day, I'm a little tired." So I told him "Well I can let you go then." Most people would say "Okay yeah thanks for understanding." His response was, "You're gonna let me go?" "I can see you seem real upset about it." Lol. Just very passive aggressive. We were seeing each other for a year. When things were good, they were great, but when he started playing head games it got frustrating. As time went on he became emotionally abusive. Never physically. Only emotionally. One time we were working on easing our way back into dating relationship after a couple of arguments. He manipulated, used the one excuse that actually made me believe what he was saying to me was true. He would tell me "I need to see change before we get back together." There was nothing about me I needed to change, and when I told him "If you think I need to "change," then why are you still talking to me, hanging out with me?" He would then turn it around and say "Oh so you're doing the victim blaming." He used whatever he could to try and me think it was all me. He would do the silent treatment, or tell me that we would talk on a specific day. He was a control freak. As more time went on, I realized that he didn't care about being in a dating relationship, he liked the idea that I had been persuing things and had shown interest, and that's all it was about. He used sex as a weapon. Meaning we were never intimate until he felt like it. Intimacy is important to me, he knew it, and used it against me just like a lot of other things. During Jan of 2021 when I was still in in communication with him a little bit, I met someone else. I was hanging out with this new guy more, I was careful because I didn't want to assume things were great like I did before. However as time went on, I just knew he was a good guy. I got that sense and feeling that things would be good. When you know you just know. I had lost all interest in the other one, and even to the point the sound of his voice would annoy me. I would reject going out with him, and he started to become more curious. I told him on the phone that I met someone else and I'm not interested in things moving forward anymore with him. He was silent. That was a slap in the face of reality to him. He said "Oh so you cheated on me?" I said "Yes." And he didn't care about that, it was the fact his ego had been let down, I was no longer pursuing him, it was over. So this new guy and I were dating for a year and a half, and we are now married. We've had a few disagreements like any couple can have, but he has never played any sort of head games with me or disrespected me. He was a true gentleman when we first met and started dating, and he's still a gentleman. Still opens doors, all of that. Flowers every birthday and valentine's. He's a true romantic. I am happy we met and are still together. We have 4 beautiful furbabies that we take on road trips and go do fun things together as a family.
So I will say to angone who is currently dating and this person is playing head games with you, I understand that it's not that easy to just dump their a**. Even if all of your friends have told you to do it, and they have even said that person is not good for you. You're in it, you've been involved with this person for a long time. The longer you talk to this person or hang out with them, the harder it is to break away from it. It's an emotional trap. When you have gone through this type of thing, it makes you a stronger person, you become more thick skinned, you are more quick on your feet to any red flags that come up, and then it becomes a complete turn off. Also just remember when they do this to you, they have done this to others as well, and it will continue.
He was likely a narcissist. Sounds like an ex bf I knew almost a decade before we dated or got romantically involved. He seemed like a potential Mr. Right & he convinced me to move (out of state) after we'd dated long distance for awhile. I got a job there first but he helped me by sharing his home since I had to start over (& major moving expenses). In the 3rd year his personality changed like Jeckyll & Hyde. Started with criticism & belittling disguised as jokes. Eventually became a control freak. I didn't see the flags til he was verbally abusive to me. Also yelled at his beloved cat so loud it scared the pee out of him (literally)! No resources on DV or narcissism like YT back then, but a counselor told me he was an abu$er. Luckily one of our friends (I was isolated, all friends & acquaintances I knew were through the bf) was at their office late one night so I was able to reach out. Despite being his close buddy in college & yrs since, he told me he'd seen the ugly side. It was an answer to my prayers & helped me get out. Later, I saw a Dr Phil episode about a narcissistic abu$ive husband & it described my ex exactly. Despite the resulting financial & emotional damage I'm so grateful I got out of that experience in time & learned the warning signs!
Sounds exactly like my Ex who was an abusive and vile Narcissist
@@barbandsarge And they will be like this with someone else. People like this don't ever change.
@@mimiz7937 ...yup
@orahs_world If you have a car, make enough money to get yourself and your babies into a better situation and support yourself and them, then do it. At this point your subjecting your kids to an unhealthy environment that they did not choose and that is not fair to them. Do something about it! Your kids will resent you for this one day.
Wow. This is how most guys date now. I was stuck in it for 3 years. After I dumped him, my North Star found me 🥰
I love that you made it a point not to demonise the guy for wanting what he wanted because his wants of fun and adventure are just as valid as the woman wanting an actual relationship. Neither of them is right or wrong, they're just different and incompatible.
I had my moment of realization and saw the red flags even before we were able to have a romantic relationship. We shared so much time together that it became an addiction, as you say, and the fun that came with being around him and feeling a certain way. But in the end, I knew my north star and saw he couldn't (because of his own issues) fill it even if he wanted to. Now I'm stuck with these feelings that I have been trying to crawl out of...I guess that's the hardest part.
I recently met a nice man while shopping. We talked a bit, exchanged phone numbers. Later that night we talked on the phone. He started telling me how to respond to him. Telling me what to say and how to say it. Red flags waving there. I quickly hung up and blocked his number. Wow !
His understanding of what really matters and ability to provide profound advice in a simple way is mind-blowing