Me too. I have completely lost myself in thinking about her in the first place. Lost my self totally and really feel like it was more like codependency. And she took everything I offered with open arms but it was just practical. No feelings.
An “ah ha” moment for me right there!!!!! 💕 Thank you for that!!!!! Sounds silly, but if you ever feel “moved” to say something like this, DO IT. You never know whose life you’re going to change with what you may view as just your “simple words.”
Got chills when Matthew said when you get that quiet moment when you realize that "this is not what I want". I had that profound moment where my reality connected with my intuition. I had this moment right before I broke up with my boyfriend this year, where I realized "I do not deserve to be treated like this".
@@je4814 It was ups and downs. He would consistently pick hanging out with his friends instead of coming to see me, and I ended up finding out he cheated on me (for the 2x time after he promised he would never do it again a year before). That was it for me. I deserved better than being treated like shit.
So very sad… I thought I loved my partner … lately I’ve been breaking up with him about once a week. I feel overwhelmed with some things we have gone through . He constantly upsets me, yet I wanted this relationship to work so bad. I’m torn 😩😩
It's not about what or how you feel about or for them. It's about how they make YOU feel. Despite/after their initial love bombing, do you feel safe, secure, and loved? Or do you feel anxious, nervous, and insecure? Like your feelings, wants, and needs don't matter?
The hardest part is when you know what the right answer is but you still can’t find the strength to make the decision, because you’re so stuck on the happy moments and lovely qualities in this person. 😞💔😢 Lord help us all! 😩
Yep. That was how I felt about my guy. I was stuck on his unique qualities. Super-intelligent & curious about everything. Sooo talented, sooo slick, like nothing I'd ever had in my life. Damn painful to leave. Been 5 months now though.
Leaving a toxic relationship or one that’s not serving or supporting you emotionally, is a process. Rome wasn’t built in a day! You will get sick of it and will leave but by the time you do, I hope you don’t regret not leaving yesterday! There are consequences no matter what your decisions are… the question is are you willing to sacrifice your time and energy leaving or staying? Which one’s gonna serve you long term? That’s up to you to decide. It’s now or never
Funny because for me it’s the opposite. My heart always knows what’s right for me, and that’s my intuition. My head on the other hand can make me stay in relationships or do things I regret later. I feel like with my head (thoughts and moods), I act more on emotion. I guess you mean the same but we just switched it around lol.
Lacking of empathy + lacking of communication=inability to grow together nor make it work. The bell went on when you said « does it get easier? » thank you 🙏🏻
We never resolved fights because he would never own up or apologize or say he would try better. It was always turned around on me of why are we always fighting or I ruined this or that
When you question anything, that is your soul trying to guide you in the right direction. Everyone has a soul, but many can’t sit still and be quiet long enough to hear it.
@@simontmn Absolutely! I came out of a toxic relationship, and I find it difficult to connect with someone new, so I can't always trust my gut rn, because everything is still healing, and it's all over the place.
@@22SeaJay yes I have bad anxiety probably from my harsh mother. It's a different voice from my gut, and often a lot louder. Your anxiety will often contradict your gut and make you act in ways that are actually foolish and even destructive
6:20 Q1 - Is their big flaw offset by a redeemable quality (that can neutralize that flaw)? 13:19 Q2 - Is it getting any easier? 16:25 Q3 - What decision do I feel drawn to in my wisest moment?
Not really in my case. I am an anxious person, I question everything. I know it won't work when I stop questioning, become numb and tell myself "Nope."
Thank you for the answer. Listening to Dr. John Gray (no advertisement), the questions and uncertainty are a normal state of dating. It doesn't mean it will not have any chance. Take care!
I hear ya - Mickey! No matter how much you might like someone - it’s not going to work out in the long run, if they’re not the right type of people for you! If you want a happy life - consider someone that fits your personality, that matches well with you, and that is supportive of what you want to do - and actually wants to be part of it! Anyway, that’s my two cents. -Carlos Verde - Dating Tips
@@hinnyu7748 Hello :) There is nothing wrong in questioning everything(?). If we want to be able to make good life decisions, we have to base those decisions on good information. It's the way we learn and grow :) From a relationship point of view, if I constantly question my relationship with my partner, I really do believe that there is something behind my worries. *But, firstly, I have to "analyze" myself.* Maybe it's just a subconscious thing that triggers a defense mechanism that makes me question certain things. Bad experiences from previous relationships are probably the most common. This may sound a bit controversial, but if I think that there is something wrong with my partner, it does not necessarily mean that that's always my partner's fault. Although, questioning things can be a good way to spot red flags, too much questions can lead us to nonexistent/made-up red flags. Just my two cents :)
The hardest thing I’ve ever done in relationship was to leave a wonderful man whose life was going in a very different direction from mine. Not a bad direction, but a direction, trajectory, that we both realized was not compatible. We’ve stayed dear friends for over 40 years, and I thank God we did not try to “make it work”. It would have been very draining and frustrating. We have the benefit of wanting the best for each other and seeing that we’d never have been able, at a core level, to give each other what we needed and wanted in life. We had four amazing years together, and parted as friends, supporters, cheerleaders. My life was so enhanced from knowing him. Much love and health to you, V.💖🥰
What you just described, is what I am currently going through. It is tough for me because I want commitment and he does not. I want more than friendship, and if I walk away there won’t be anything left. I don’t think I can be friends because when I am with him, it hurts knowing that I can never have him. For me, once there has been intimacy I just can’t turn off my emotions like a faucet and go into buddy mode. I feel like it’s friendship or nothing. I’m torn
@@jeannejohnson2177 bite the bullet, Dear Heart. He has not put you on a pedestal if he isn’t mature enough to have a friendship even if he cannot have you sexually. He doesn’t want commitment, you do. Every man will tell you exactly where he is coming from, if we just pay attention. The minute he told you he didn’t want to commit, that’s the minute you say, “Peace out! Best of everything in your journey, but I won’t be tagging along!” The “I’m not ready to commit,” or “I don’t see getting married” male is happy to use you sexually, but give you nothing in return. No security, no emotional, or spiritual support, no partnership whatsoever. You are worth far more than that. You are SETTLING for a substandard model. You deserve ‘top-of-the-line’! Respect yourself! Know your value! You are a diamond, don’t put yourself in a pot-metal setting!💕
@@jeannejohnson2177 dont make the same mistake i made by staying in a one way relationship, i spent 14 years of a living nighmare before i said enough and left, better to be alone and alone than to be miserable and alone with someone who you care for, my dog was my best friend not my ex.
6:16 1. Is their big flaw offset by a truly redeemable quality? 13:21 Is it getting easier? 16:14 What decision do I feel drawn to in my wisest moments?
I had a partner who was conflict avoidant and overly sensitive. We couldn't have any sort of conversation about our relationships, or my needs, no matter how gently I presented something. Most of the time he would break up with me 😬. Learned a lot from that one.
I have been there. We had zero conflicts for years, I was always trying to motivate him gently in the direction of our future but he flipped out immediately and broke up with me so many times it became a bad habit. My needs started to be neglected, though I always cared about his. He started skipping the conversation about our future because we faced a financial hardship and he just wanted to run away from the problem instead of solving it. It's the easiest way.
@@iamauroraborealis Exactly. It's easier in the short term, but so much harder in the long run. But it took me years to finally walk away, and I have to acknowledge the part that I played in it all. I'm sorry to hear you went through something similar, and I hope you've moved on since!
My ex would break up with me then come back a few days later. My new gf asked to break up a couple times but came round right away when I explained she was making a mistake :D Like me she has anxiety, in her case it manifested as her thinking I wasn't really interested in her. This has been good for me as it has made me really step up and show my interest/lust/love et al very clearly, which is good for me too.
Just ended a 2 Year relationship THREE HOURS AGO. Dismissive Avoidant. Significant early trauma. Wonderful woman trapped in trauma. First year was great. Second became increasingly difficult as we became closer than she could handle but still a long way from fulfilling for me. My opinion is that DAs are pure magic until you have invested fully, then they lose all self awareness, flexibility, willingness to compromise, and even interest in you.
She dumped me after 2 years of relationship right before my birthday. Sent me a huge ass text without solving anything and yeah. That's it. Confronted her one month later and she still couldn't answer anything I've asked her prior. Also a very conflict avoidant person. Still very mixed feelings regarding her. I guess she was a covert narcissist. Everything else was burning in her life. Finances, health, just regular shit, that you gotta go. Fixed everything and now my usefulness ran out I guess, when shit started to pile up on my side. Still unsure whether she did all that with ill intent or she just lived her life 28 years like that and I had to see the consequences for myself not to invest in such a person again. Man it was rough
I had a guy that was overly critical but also very hard to please and nothing I did was good enough. It was demoralising and soul destroying. Fortunately, I take the stance now that if I’m not enough for them, they should try to find somebody else rather than trying to change me into something I’m not. Ill be enough for the right people and I’m enough for me, that’s all that counts.
And I bet as soon as you dumped him he begged u not to leave lol
Год назад+7
The flip side of this is hypersensitivity -- Too many people regard criticism as any kind as unjustified. I love hearing about my flaws when presented with heart and good intention. My ex girlfriend regarded any comment as purely negative, forming the same stance you describe. She was one of the best people I'd ever known. She was the right one for me, and I believe I did everything to be the right one for her. That doesn't mean we were without faults, and apparently one of her biggest ones was being incapable of hearing about them. Or communicating them. Gosh I wish I didn't love this woman so much.
My experience is that these people (not excluding myself) are at LEAST as critical to themselves as to you. Which is no excuse for their harmful behaviour of course.
Relationships are awfully complicated. I sure hope that you did treat him well and have been the best person you could’ve been for him. I am currently in a relationship where, from her perspective, I am the guy you’re describing. However, what you are describing about your decision was what her ex told her constantly, excusing not working on himself or giving her what she needed. I believe a lot of our problems come from her trauma with him. I basically treat her like a queen from day one, always giving, always showing extreme amounts of love. Whenever I bring something up about her she’s super defensive and in general she is really not open to change and work internally. Through her defensiveness and manipulation, for a while I thought that maybe my expectations from a relationship really are too much for anyone (btw to make things worse she’s 6 years older than me and had two 4 year relationships before taking my virginity) Anyway I don’t know where I’m going with this, just hoping someone reads this year late comment and wants to talk. Oh, and I do have something actually. I don’t know if you’re on a new relationship by now, but for you and your current/future partner’s sake, please don’t follow this “no changing” attitude as strictly as it sounds like you want to. There are amazing people that will give you the world out there, and will love you as you are, but it doesn’t mean you can treat them badly or ignore their needs. When this someone that loves you, and is hurt by you, finds the courage to open up about it, please do NOT tell him “this is who I am and if you want to be with me you have to accept it”. This shit hurts.
The not dating for potential thing is HUGE! So many people find themselves in relationships for far too long because of that. That was a lesson I learned the hard way. But the good news is that I learned it.
That is very true. As a man in a relationship, I am trying to constantly follow, 'just do it', and not merely utter words and I see how important it is for my wife. However, it is tricky sometimes. Sometimes we need to talk about something b4 implementing it but it depends on the matter at hand, I guess.
With my ex, it was anger, arrogance and a refusal to take responsibility. There was also hyperambition and lack of presence during the very little time we had together. Throw in some verbal and emotional abuse and an alcohol problem, and it was a ticking time bomb. So glad I got out.
“Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction.” The most impactful quote my inspiration, my mom, has ever shared with me. This realization was a crucial part of one of the most pivotal moments in my life thus far.
I just want to say that because of your advice, you have just saved me from an abusive relationship, I hope you truly understand that what you do is not just changing lives, but saving lives. Thank you truly from the bottom of my heart 🙏🙏🙏
Not self aware and victim mentality.He never looked at what he did wrong in his relationships and always played victim, that is very dangerous coz he never worked on himself and always thought everyone was the problem!
I kinda was that person and now I regret it more than anything in my life. He has drinking problem and financial problem (even before us) but he took all the blame. I realise I was so god dn childish in the end when we fight and I behaved so immature, felt like he didn’t wanted me anymore. We talk sometimes but my biggest wish is to get back together and never ever take him for granted again. He’s amazing and I hope he will miss me also
I dealt with a female like that. It's IMPOSSIBLE to have a open discussion about flaws and how to better ourselves as a couple. The second you point at them and show em what they're doin wrong...they go ballistic. In their eyes it's ALL your fault.
My ex was like this too with his first girlfriend (and me eventually), he basically told me that it was the girl's fault that they broke up, like she had a difficult personality. However, it was later that I understood that he was influenced by someone close to him (and actually his childhood crush) to break up with her. And when we broke up he basically gaslighted me and blamed me on him cheating 🤣🤣 He's a hypocrite and I'm glad he's out of my life 💃🔥
I really appreciate how this video started, it’s easy to judge or be quick to say leave. My parents were married for 40yrs until my dad passed away and I learned marriage takes work. My takeaway from this video is if you have an awesome person, they’re not toxic but can grow in certain ways and you see the relationship improving. Stick with it and remember to keep doing your own work as well
A dangerous pairing I often notice in immature men is the ability to be very critical of others, but having the inability to be self reflecting. For example: "That girl is too fat to go on a date with," he says while stuffing his face with potato chips.
At this point I don't even want to bother with a relationship... When you don't play games they're not interested.... When you're genuine and kind (even when you are assertive by nature and with your boundaries) they seem to expect you to be boring or treat you like a doormat or take you for granted. If you have your life in order (in my case a good job, own my own house, am debt free) then they feel like they bring nothing to the table - which is totally off base. Like apparently I have to be a mess and in need of saving in order for a guy to take interest. Then when you're in a relationship, once you've decided there are strong feelings there, then it's a matter of are they being faithful and all that. I'm just over it. And that's sad as I'm absolutely someone who wants to be in a loving and equal relationship with someone who I can build a life with, alongside the one I've built for myself, and cheer on as they do the same. Where are the guys like you Matt? You, and men like you, seem to be unicorns. 😞
I definitely feel number 2. "Is it getting easier?" When my ex and I were first together, we used to talk about how easy things were and how we were effortlessly great together. Fast forward to the last couple of years and things had gotten harder. I believe our incompatibility has made itself more apparent as we were supposed to take the next steps up in our relationship. A bit of a dark pairing occurred when my partner was hopeful/ambitious about what our relationship could be, but not industrious enough to help me build. It basically left me feeling like I was supposed to carry her up the mountain while she did nothing. I'm not saying she was a total witch or anything, im juat saying how it made me feel. When I brought it up she would get extremely defensive and ask me what our plan was to be. Still scratching my head about that one.
I feel this brother. I was in a similar situation. Difference is, not for years, but roughly for six months. She liked/loved my reliability and the support and warmth she felt from me, but there was a lack of reciprocity. She could not give me the support and reliability I needed. Willingly or unwillingly, I don't know.
And then there is the person who agrees with you about needing to change but never does. Empty words can last a long time beware…… and to add to it all they are really nice and treat you great! I’m proud to say I have removed myself from this !
Selfish + unempathetic During breakup my ex told me he didn’t wanna be the one who learn certain things with me. I was upset but now I understand how he felt. I also didn’t wanna wait for him to become less selfish and empathetic. Those are very rooted traits that are hard to change. Boring + dishonesty
Worst dark pairing I've experience: -Insecure + manipulative. Dark pairing on myself: -compassion + lack of standard, as mentioned! -bad at communicating my feelings/thoughts + self healing. I end up getting hurt by not communicating what I feel, therefore the other person doesn't know why I am taking distance, and at the same time I have a tendency to heal my own wounds (which I find a positive trait) but in this case caused by myself by not letting the other know what is happening to me. In the end I "resolve" a problem I have with my partner, just by myself. Good pairing I've really appreciated: -Indecisive + funny. Even though the moment to make a decision lasted FOREVER (I'm also indecisive), once he chose something, the rest of the moment was really enjoyable!
Dark pairing. Lazy+insecure. You cannot get this person to do anything, but if you start to bring this issue up, the insecurity kicks in and the person becomes defensive. Nothing changes.
@vic Alen, my ex had the same pattern as yours. His lack of communication his needs and setting boundaries (saying yes to things he wasn't ready or willing to say yes to) only brought resentment and distance from his side, while I thought everything was great between us and we were at our best. 2y relationship, >1y living together- he threw it away through the drain cause he thought the "issue" which his was trying to solve in his head solely did not have a solution. Absolutely shattered me, it's my biggest trauma that appears I've been living in a completely different reality. I still cannot make peace with his decision 4 months later cause it makes no sense. Please do not do this to your partner do not shut down.
Eventually I had to face the reality that my partner was very anxious + extremely defensive + very low on both empathy and compassion. It actually took almost a year of not being able to shake this «uneasy» feeling in my gut until I just finally realized «oh right, this is impossible»!
This might be my favorite relationship advice ever; it sounds like everyone else is all too quick to find excuses to push people to the curb and say thank you next. Reality is often more complicated! Knowing I have different capacity for different red flags, and how some red flags compound each other whereas others are balanced out by redeeming qualities, helps me understand why I feel the way I do about some people versus others. And also great to validate my hunch that despite all the advice i’ve ever gotten about “working on myself so I can be a better partner”, most people are not “done growing” before they enter a healthy relationship. But it helps a lot to be well on your way in the journey!
Speaking as someone who is the exact opposite of "quick to find excuses to push people to the curb and say thank you next" I would say he offers a sobering advice for people like me who at certain point should find it within themselves and their hearts enough strenght to tell themselves "ok, that's it. I'm done in here. Enough is enough.". So well, people with "quick to find excuses to push people to the curb and say thank you next" don't need it. They already have natural ease with regard to handling relationships in a certain way. People like me, especially introvertic ones, may get a motivational kick in the butt at certain point, what is on most occassions needed when things are already long overdue. As for "working on myself so I can be a better partner”- you can go to hell and back with it if it's one side and another side consider themselves to be perfect and doing nothing and I guarantee it won't do you any good. You will only end up hurting more than you would without even lifting your little finger in the first place. And yes, at the end you will hear that you are the worst person under the sun. So as for " working on onself"- do it for yourself if you feel that you need such an inner growth, do not do it for other people and do not do it in this naive belief that this will "save the relationship". It won't. It will only make scapegoating you hurt more than it would without it. That's all.
I’ve come to realize that I value my peace of mind over everything. The only thing disturbing my peace right now is my relationship. It sucks because I love him and he is truly a wonderful person, but I cannot hang on any longer unless he acknowledges his hurtful flaws and works hard at changing them. We have our first counseling session in 3 days. I am ready to end it for good if I don’t see that happening DURING that session. I think I know deep down that this has to end, but I won’t give up until I’ve tried everything.
I don't know when to let go or how long I should try working things out before I can give up and leave because I've tried communication which was met with defensiveness The funny thing is that deep down I know it'll end eventually
Appreciate this take, as someone who is fearful of attaching to others and am at times hyper vigilant. I also seek advice from everyone and am just now learning to trust my own instincts. There is a fine balance between working through the negatives in a relationship and also learning to let go of the wrong ones.
This video really hit home for me! I had that “wise moment” the other day in my garden where everything felt like it finally made sense and I knew what I needed todo! The answer has honestly been screaming at me for about 3 years but I have kept ignoring it because I am so scared of hurting them and also so scared of experiencing the pain of a break up again! But I feel like I finally have the courage to make the right choice for my life! Thank you so much!
@@Joy2theWorld369 Honestly, it took me about 3 weeks after writing that to gather the courage! But I did it! It was really horrible seeing them that upset but I stayed strong and listened to my instincts and didn't change my mind despite the feelings of wanting to take it all back in the moment! I feel so much lighter now, there is nothing like living aligned to what you truly feel deep down. Also knowing I have set them free to find someone one day who will love them in a way I couldn't, because I care about them so much and want them to have that kind of love! Also, the break up pain I was scared of isn't really happening because I think I have known for so long, and it feels right. I am sad and do cry a lot and miss him like crazy at times, but I am also smiling and giggling and so happy I was brave and am no longer lying to myself! For anyone questioning their relationship, I really do think we all actually know... We are just often so scared of the change and the hurt that could be caused. But I will say it again - There is nothing like living a life aligned to what you truly feel deep down. Gook luck! xxx
“When you know who you truly are, there is an abiding alive sense of peace. You could call it joy because that's what joy is: vibrantly alive peace. It is the joy of knowing yourself as the very life essence before life takes on form. That is the joy of Being - of being who you truly are.” -Eckhart Tolle
I don’t know what my ex dark pairings are, but this is my situation. I had met this woman at a friends wedding that loved me as I and her child got along tremendously well. After 6 plus months of dating I asked her to marry me. Now I’m Canadian and she is American as a qualifier. What ensued was a bridzilla where the wedding was the ultimate prize of what she wanted. Me as a man thought this day was about the bride not the groom so I went along with it. 6 months out with a few more red flags started popping up. I told myself that it will get better. It didn’t. The day I left ( 30 day marriage ) the last hurtful thing she said was I was better off without you. At that point I packed my bags and left. I never looked back even when she said we still could be friends. This happened of 25 years ago. Today I’m happily married 20 plus years with 3 beautiful daughters. Best decision I’ve ever made.
In my 2 year relationship it only got worse. I was madly in love, and kept giving him excuses… (he is overwhelmed, he is insecure, he was abandoned by parents and loved ones, that’s why he is angry) But in my “wisest moments”, I heard: RUN.
Selfishness & Ambition - That focused time together rarely happened, and there was very little to no acknowledgement of my feelings in a given situation. I experienced the loss of several family members during our time together, and there was a lack of real compassion for what I was feeling. 😔😞
I have went though the same thing .. it felt like the only person that mattered was him, his time and what he was experiencing in life .. and I was the last person he thought about or spent time with .. he was extremely motivated to “get shit done” as he would say . If he only would have put that same effort into the relationship…. 😪
Goodness! Thank you so much for this video. I needed to hear this. I've been struggling for so long about the choices that I'm making in my relationship. There is something truly magical about finding peace. You got right to the core of it. So often we are searching, questioning, comparing, building etc.. just busy little bees trying to find or keep hold of a "perfect" relationship. What it all comes down to is peace. If you have peace with your partner you have found the sturdiest and most solid foundation to build upon. This Tolle quote will stick with me forever now. ❤️ "Joy is vibrantly alive peace" Thank you Matthew!!
He is a hard worker and I love our conversations but he doesn't follow through with our plans he always has excuses so I'm walking away because I don't want to be disappointed anymore
I walked away after 3&1/2 years and it broke me. I honestly thought he’d change. One day I got tired and ended things through text. Felt like the biggest mistake ever.
Even the most minor issues will aggravate itself with those who can't communicate, listen, empathize, clarify, acknowledge, analyze and improve. Even the major issues will fix themselves with those who can communicate, listen, empathize, clarify, acknowledge, analyze and improve.
this video is so incredibly nuanced, don't know how you do that without sounding like an enlightened centrist, whose answer to everything is just the mid point , your stuff always feels life affirming!
Worst dark pairing I ever experienced was actually in a friend- difficulty with self esteem combined with a strong sense of right/wrong. This may not sound like a terrible combination, but it resulted in a person who was extremely defensive to ANY criticism while also being super willing to judge those around her. I ended up realizing that she was completely willing to prioritize soothing her own ego and feeling like a good person over actually treating the people around her well.
Holy moly… dark pairings, neutralizing pairings vs excuse to ignore the undesirable quality. Matthew, you have matured so much. I’m a long time follower and recently become active again and I feel thatYour insights are at a whole other level of wise! Thank you for sharing/ coaching us through turbulent times trying to navigate our relationship. ❤
My biggest issue here is that people seem to believe that there is a second chance. But unfortunately true love is unbroken and it always will be. If you are questioning if your partner loves you etc, it is already over. It is not about "does he or she love me", it is just a matter of time before YOU realise that YOU do NOT love him/her anymore. No trust - No love.
Dark Pairing that I recently faced in my partner - Narcissistic+ Lack of self awareness+ Victimized Dark Pairing that I have overcome and in the process of overcoming - Anxiety+Violent Communication+Lack of Boundaries
How are you handling the dark paring with your partner right now? My boyfriend is very similar (narcissistic, hard to acknowledge anything he did is wrong, and doesn't always take responsibility).
@@dancergirl562000 I have let him go. It was extremely hard for me to do that believe me. I wasn't capable of letting him go. It took me almost 9 months just to establish my boundaries. It's hard as hell but you got to choose yourself and be kind to yourself or you never know when you turn into the toxic one in the relationship, not just with your partner but all your relationships.
Arrogance and victimise d. Not seeing him as a victim of his past and telling him how much his arrogance has hurt people around him nearly costed me my life last year. He couldn’t cope with the truth and stabbed me. I survived, he is in prison and I try to find positivity in others again as I always liked people. Thanks Matthew 😊
i've been having a difficult time trying to cope with the pain after my ex left me, and there were days i wanted to go back to her, just even to chek up on her, even after i knew she betrayed me. it's been a hell of a year basically, but i managed to get out of it, somehow. it hurt remembering the old good days, but i now know there's nothing to be hurt about. i kinda knew what i missed about her, and gained enough strenght to recognize that what i've been searching for, is in myself. i feel at peace, because i know that now is my time to shine, have fun, be proud of myself for my achievements and continue to work hard for my dream. and i hope that everybody who's hurting for someone that wasn't at peace with themselves is realizing that. have a nice day.
Just taking a moment to say thank Matthew. Your videos have and continue to push me to always go past judging the other person, and above all to reflect on my words, actions and thus a desire for continuous growth and self improvement. Thank you.
I’ve been struggling because I just recently had that moment of “this is not what I want to feel in a relationship.” He is a very negative person 60% of the words have to do with something going wrong in life, or pointing out all the wrong . I am the complete opposite. And after 1 1/2 years, it’s getting to me. It’s effecting MY own happiness. He is going through some big life changes, but I’ve been trying to find the words to say to express to him that he is effecting me in a negative way. THANK YOU. Talking about being compassionate about their struggles, while holding a standard to see change is EXACTLY the answer I’ve been praying for. If I see change, then this can work. But I do have to see change. Not afraid to walk away IF all than can be done has been done.
This is the advice I really needed. Thank you . It has helped me with the decision to give him another chance and watch for the changes he is willing to make. He has issues that are going to take a lot of time to fix and he also has a lot to offer and has good qualities. As long as I see changes I will move forward with him .
Ambition+lack of quality time+judging everyone around (no one was good enough) was the trifecta of my despair for the last part of my first relationship 😵
Thank you for that quote, “Joy is vibrantly alive peace!” Going to incorporate that into my wedding vows this fall! That’s how I feel about our life together and our relationship 🥰
I had to leave my partner because I was anxious and defensive paired with them being the same but they were nuch more broken and hurting. It was a walking on eggshells relation and while I miss them greatly after two months it's been a slow long journey to realize we weren't healthy for each other even though we cared so deeply for one another. Maybe after the healing is done but that may be the regret talking. It's Time to work on myself for the next relationship I have, no matter the pain it causes
OMG, I soooo agree with this! Red flags are a often definitely a distraction from our own work to do. And friends often give advice without us having given the full story - we rarely share the crap we have done that might have contributed to the behaviour we then experience. Judging other people's relationships is a past time for many people... we need to learn to listen better as friends and ask good questions rather than giving advice...
Have followed off an on for a few years. Really appreciate your more compassionate and balanced advice that has evolved. Your advice has been good, but it’s become so much better with time. Real gem quality!
Jealous and avoidant. Always needed proof and reassurance that I wasn’t cheating, but when I would bring up a concern of my own about any potential threat to our relationship he’d get defensive and/or completely shut down to avoid talking about it.
I’m on the other end of this. I drove my girlfriend away by acting like this for a long time. I was not well. I am learning to make the changes I need to make in order to thrive in a relationship if it’s meant to be. She broke up with me a month ago after 8.5 years
I was a victim and extremely anxious. I had to learn the hard way through health issues and losing someone I love to better control my anxiety and emotions. I am proud of myself for self growth
I agree, imo it just comes down to equal amounts of willingness to move in the same direction. You have to be on the same page or near enough in the book at the same time too.
Thank you a lot for the knowledge. 😍 The combinations I’ve encpuntered in the past: ⛔️ Hyper ambition + narcissism ⛔️ Lack of honesty + lack of self-awareness ⛔️ Jealousy + not willing to work on improving
Dark pairing I've encountered: Inconsistent - Inconsiderate. He would switch back and forth between ignoring me for days to texting/calling daily, with no warning of when he was going to switch to which one. This, coupled with his reconsideration of my feelings, meant that should I need to step away when he wanted to get close, or if I needed closeness when he was in his cold streak, I was the problem for having a need. Dark Pairing in myself I've been working on: Anger - Anxiety. My anxiety builds up and I'm afraid to say anything for fear of wrecking the mood/relationship, then resentment builds and unleashes as anger. Been working on undoing that by establishing better boundaries and learning to express myself in a healthy way when a problem happens instead of bottling it up and letting it fester.
I would say one pairing that I really struggle with is insecurity/fear of change and unwavering stubborness when a man digs his heels. There’s no where to grow. This can stretch for years. I am someone who has a zest for life and adventure. Its what fuels me. To me, this is stagnancy/death. I’ve dated incredibly loving, loyal men with this combo of fear of change and stubbornness but when it goes on too long…this is a deal breaker.
Anxiety and lack of self-awareness. That is a dangerous pairing. Experienced that lately. He was very anxious about women abandoning him, or not being satisfied with him. Therefore he became defensive frequently. What that looks like is being anxious that I would do the same thing that these other women did. He was unable to acknowledge that issue and how he was pushing others away. Made it impossible to talk about things. That lack of communication clearly doesn’t work in relationships. I decided to walk away before I got further in. We’d only been on one date and I just thought this has trouble written all over it lol
When I got that quiet moment and I realized my first priority should be self love and I realized what I was doing in that relationship was so far from it. I made the decision to break it off. It was the best thing I had ever done. I have spent the last five years finding my peace and love for myself. I have been the happiest I have ever been in my life. I realized, I did not require a man in my life to be happy. And whoever I get with, the common denominator will be me in the relationship. I take me and my standards and thoughts and my negotiating factors with me. After watching you Matthew over the past months you have helped me grow and helped me realize I definitely did not know it all at age 60. And then he came along this past March, just completely out of the blue, wasn't even looking. we met through a simple phone call that I was not expecting. And we are scheduled to meet on July 1. Thanks for everything and I will definitely keep these practices in mind.
Over and over I kept coming back to leaving him. Over and over I kept feeling depleted and disrespected and unable to get to a place of trust because he, my ex, kept re-destroying and ruining moments to build trust. I knew i wasn't safe with this person emotionally and leaving the relationship was right.
I remember sitting on the swing in the playground on the phone to my best friend and I said for the first time “I don’t think he’s my person” .. a week later I found out he had been on dating apps and cheating on me for weeks while I was going to work for the day. Always trust your intuition!
Had the most fantastic relationship, then a day after telling me I’m the love of her life , and to never leave her, she finished it! We never had a crossed word ever, just laughter, amazing love making, great nights in/out. Over a matter of hours she ditched me. No closure, no reason given. Every day is torture not knowing why 😭😞
Maybe your intuitions were not matching... maybe she wanted more communication, talks about feelings, to make sure all was ok on both sides, assumptions can be very misleading. I don't know, it's your story... I had a partner like that, all fun and laughter, amazing chemistry, but avoiding deep talks and thus having no idea if her attitude was ok, not wanting to know. It was not ok at all on my side, I left her overnight, without a talk, because after years avoiding them, it was just too late.
His depression, anxiety and defensiveness and irrascibility - showed only at home - was a disaster. He made nothing to be self aware, was not working on it, was not caring how it impacts my mental health, not taking his medical pills in time - this is why I left after long bad years. I am in a happy place now.
The dark pairing I've experienced has been, with the last 3 men I've been with, is Angry + Blaming. Every one of them had unresolved anger with the ex-wife, and then expected me to be their therapist/emotional punching bag. None of this came to light until 6 months + of amazing sex and whirlwind romance, and I was emotionally invested. It has been brutal. I'm taking a long timeout to heal and focus on myself.
I have a lot of unresolved anger towards my ex husband myself, but I’m working through it myself and try to avoid mentioning any of the negative things with my bf of three years. I don’t want him to feel like he is walking on eggshells and communicate with me when I’ve done something bothersome. Not cool that those guys burdened you with their anger.
I was with my girlfriend for 7 years. We had great memories but she just couldn’t show a commitment to our future. I was always trying to have the conversation with her about saving together for a house and for a family but she always had an excuse on how she couldn’t save. It got to a point where I started to question why are we even together. She wanted to go on trips, holidays etc and I wanted to do that but I became anxious thinking how can you afford that but not save with me. She broke up with me because things go ‘boring’. It’s a tough pill to swallow but she could never express her feelings as to why it was boring so we couldn’t even work on it.
This is the best video he has ever done. Being self-aware, having compassions, setting standards and continuously working on oneself for both men & women will in the future lead to personal growth and development that will pave the way for union that is harmonious, fulfilling and beautiful
Two qualities that I experienced were exactly what you said, “selfish and charismatic”. I spent four years rationalizing that mix, and on the other side of it, can see it with clarity now. A pros and cons list doesn’t work on human qualities unless they balance each other out. I loved that point. 💗 And I love the clarity and understanding I have from watching your videos. It gives words to a lot I have experienced, but couldn’t see clearly at the time.
Are you still with the person now? I'm seeing someone who's exactly those 2 things and I don't know what I should do. Well, deep down I know exactly what to do but it's hard to make the decision.
Man you really have a way about talking over these things that’s impressive. I didn’t know how to explain why my dad is so hard for me to get along with until you said anxious and defensive pairing. I’m not perfect, and I’m glad I can at least own up to it.
This is comforting me knowing I’m interested in someone after I’ve been focusing on myself growing and learning about me and understanding my fallbacks. The person I met often enjoys talking about importance of self growth for the sake of living a fulfilled life and so do I. However I ended up here because they have gone cold on me after such a consistent refreshing chemistry where we could be transparent and connect emotionally before the romance even started. Now I feel at level zero for not seeing this coming, yet again. What the hell happened for them to put aside what seemed like such a great start with no pressure but mutual romantic interest?? I understand why people ghost but this was just so off putting and incredibly abrupt. Deep down this person is struggling with themself or they felt overwhelmed by the connection…I really don’t know
Bad pairings in my experience; avoidant and self righteous, (my mother and husband); jealous and deceitful, two of my sisters. Yes, my life was very difficult for decades until I found Matthew. I went on his retreat when he did them in person in Florida. It literally changed my life. I put into practice all that he taught me and I have nothing to do with the two sisters and have the best relationship I have ever had with my mother now. I am now happiy living my own life (not others) and doing the things I always wanted to do.
6:15 1) Is their big flaw offset by a truly redeemable quality? 13:21 2) Is it getting easier? 16:16 3) What decision do I feel drawn to in my wisest moments?
This is why we love you MH. ❤ Soo humble and love how you are always able to take a step back and re-evaluate what you tell us. ❤ Yes some of us may have been too Matthew Husseyfied...😂😂 We do judge people too soon with red flags...when we don't acknowledge our own red flags. Thanks for another fab video buddy. ❤❤🙏🏽 xxxx
I am questioning my relationship based on how I made changes and sacrifices, just so I can keep my girlfriend happy and from crying. She cries when I don't sleep over due to her missing me and I feel guilty at times. I also had to change my mentally on "doing things on my own" to "I have to do this with someone now". I am a selfish person, but not to the point where I don't think of others at all. Unfortunately she has never once made any changes or sacrifices for the sake of our relationship, but of she did, I haven't noticed them yet. I honestly don't know what to do and it's getting to the point where I miss being ME!
Asperger's and Narcissism . This is so hard as you have no idea what is behaviour that is part of being on the spectrum or cruel narcissism. You end up making so many allowances but are unsure of the cause or intent. Ultimately, continually being punished, lying and being passive aggressive made it ultimately necessary to walk away no matter what the cause.
This is the first video of yours that I am watching. The amount of depth and wisdom that has been woven into this is astounding. Fantastic advice. Big thanks from your newest subscriber
My own dark combos in the past I’ve healed and want to explore within a relationship of built trust : 1. Sweet/Compassionate & Naive = Easily fooled and Later Resentful 2. Independent + Secretive = Pushed people away & inability to Trust I’ve experienced: 1. Exciting and Impulsive = Dangerous 2. Genius + Highly Competitive w/ All (including me) = Deceptive and Insecure 3. Successful /respectable in Work environment + Controlling at home w/Me = put downs, confusing & ultimately them telling me I was inferior This was a decade ago. Today, I’m self aware & always learning. I love & trust myself. I went to counseling, read, watched RUclips and now, found your channel. Love your dedication, straight fwd depth and especially, metaphors. Found you on amazing and curious Lisa’s Channel. Subscribed. 🎉Thank you so much!
hate those videos on YT that say that there's only 1 question ,however,i certainly not agree with any of those -- they say only sex expereince . yes, i mean it's important but really the only sign? no! and i love those that say that and then just take their spanish fly enhancer and say it was their energy but actually wasn't as we know now after those drops
I'm having such a hard time today. The break up came completely blindsided; thought we were heading towards sharing a life together. I'm reeling but listening to Matthew helps bring some clarity. Thank you for this content... I feel less confused and alone.
I just want to put out my thoughts real quick because I value this here and your channel. I came here because I am the one being really anxious and aggressive in my relationship, and I want to do better, if not for the relationship then for myself. Never felt like that before. I always thought that’s just who I am. My relationship is really interesting - I know that I am hyper sensitive, aware of what is happening inside of me and in my environment. I even acknowledge and communicate that. I can admit my mistakes - there are so many things I don’t appreciate about this person. Still I am here trying to figure it out. To my surprise she was the trigger for me to start healing myself. And now I step on this channel and you point out all the great values I have. I am able now to approach MY life with a way better confidence.
The three questions: 1)Is there big flaw offset by a truly redeemable quality? Like humility, self awareness, empathy, using their empathy to be motivated to change. Doing the work that's necessary to heal themselves. Are they balanced? Difficult quality/ Good quality. My last relationships dark pairing by Insecure/blaming 2) is it getting easier? I had standards that I needed to see progress and needed to progress myself and I found myself and then stagnating, stuck in a cycle. Every other day was a huge amount of effort and work on my part. I felt exhausted by the relationship. I was giving without getting back. 3)what decision is your true self drawn to? I felt addicted to extreme highs to very hard lows
I left a 4 year relationship with a man who had great qualities but paired with really negative ones too. Sometimes I feel weak because I remember the best ones. These were the dark pairings I had in my relationship- 1. Hard working but unmotivated 2. Loving but disrespectful 3. Caring but distant 4. Kind but defensive 5. Selfless but controlling
Blaming others and being a victim. Anger easily and runs from conflict. This video understands what is in my head ; So torn between wanting to love somebody so bad who I just cannot see myself happy with Because the lack of healing they refused to work on
Myself is my defensiveness along with my anger issues. My anger issues were brought about by childhood traumas with being bullied along with my extreme poverty I felt my sadness only made people want to hurt me more but if I turned that sadness into rage first they wouldn't try to beat me up anymore. My defensiveness was so many manipulative people early on in my life that constantly lied or hurt me. So I had to start making myself feel the sad before any rage and go from there to give people the chance to prove me wrong and build relationships.❤
Matthew your message is true and profound! Its both compassionate and brutally/painfully honest in a way I can understand and grow from. Thank you, I appreciate you very much! I'm downloading this video so I can watch as needed!
I am autistic and I have been alone all my life. Still I have witnessed LOTS of relationships, and since I have good analytical skills and I am very neutral my friends often come to me for advices. And I must admit I do have the tendency to say : "He did this ? It's doomed. Run away." But the funny thing is people never listen to me when they are in love, even when they think I am right. Because most of the time if they have feeling for someone, then they will see the story to the end. So whether there are red flags and whether they saw it doesn't really matter... (they'll still come crying on my shoulder, telling me I was right though).
One of the best quotes I’ve ever come across that I now live by is: “empathy without boundaries is self-destruction.”
I've been SELF DESTRUCTING FOR TWO YEARS omg this is it!!!
Me too. I have completely lost myself in thinking about her in the first place. Lost my self totally and really feel like it was more like codependency. And she took everything I offered with open arms but it was just practical. No feelings.
That’s GREAT!
An “ah ha” moment for me right there!!!!! 💕 Thank you for that!!!!!
Sounds silly, but if you ever feel “moved” to say something like this, DO IT. You never know whose life you’re going to change with what you may view as just your “simple words.”
@@mrs.elentz2336 that’s why I post that quote so I’m happy to hear it resonated with you!! You deserve to take care of you 💗
"Compassion without standards is a receipe for masochism" - 👏👏👏
Got chills when Matthew said when you get that quiet moment when you realize that "this is not what I want". I had that profound moment where my reality connected with my intuition. I had this moment right before I broke up with my boyfriend this year, where I realized "I do not deserve to be treated like this".
I’m going through this right now
How did he treat you though?
I had that moment too. At home and said, this doesn't feel right. I am not feeling loved.
@@je4814 It was ups and downs. He would consistently pick hanging out with his friends instead of coming to see me, and I ended up finding out he cheated on me (for the 2x time after he promised he would never do it again a year before). That was it for me. I deserved better than being treated like shit.
So very sad… I thought I loved my partner … lately I’ve been breaking up with him about once a week. I feel overwhelmed with some things we have gone through . He constantly upsets me, yet I wanted this relationship to work so bad. I’m torn 😩😩
Incredibly Selfish + Really Charismatic is my fav dark pairing. Over and over again. I have to remind myself not to fall for someone’s potential.
Omg... This blew my mind
Omg same 🥲 But is so hard some times!
U just told us u are drawn to narcissistic people...
Narcisistic and bordeline personaility disorder types
It's not about what or how you feel about or for them.
It's about how they make YOU feel.
Despite/after their initial love bombing, do you feel safe, secure, and loved? Or do you feel anxious, nervous, and insecure? Like your feelings, wants, and needs don't matter?
The hardest part is when you know what the right answer is but you still can’t find the strength to make the decision, because you’re so stuck on the happy moments and lovely qualities in this person. 😞💔😢
Lord help us all! 😩
Yep. That was how I felt about my guy. I was stuck on his unique qualities. Super-intelligent & curious about everything. Sooo talented, sooo slick, like nothing I'd ever had in my life. Damn painful to leave. Been 5 months now though.
Yes, Lord help us! Compassion is beautiful, but like Matthew said, have it with boundaries!
@Red Robyn even if we want that, it's too hard to get out from the good moments. I wish I too have a heart like him for this reason
Leaving a toxic relationship or one that’s not serving or supporting you emotionally, is a process. Rome wasn’t built in a day! You will get sick of it and will leave but by the time you do, I hope you don’t regret not leaving yesterday! There are consequences no matter what your decisions are… the question is are you willing to sacrifice your time and energy leaving or staying? Which one’s gonna serve you long term? That’s up to you to decide. It’s now or never
lord help us indeed :'(
I call them “Heart vs. Head” issues. Your head knows, but your heart won’t let you follow through. Matthew is teaching me to listen to my head.
Funny because for me it’s the opposite. My heart always knows what’s right for me, and that’s my intuition. My head on the other hand can make me stay in relationships or do things I regret later. I feel like with my head (thoughts and moods), I act more on emotion. I guess you mean the same but we just switched it around lol.
Agreed. If we follow our hearts only. That is a self destruction.
How?
And vice versa!
I did this and now I suffer since 2 months. But it was the right decision at that time. Sadly.
Don’t change who you are just because someone treated you badly ,don’t let ugly in other kill the beauty in you
If your the one with ugly behavior it needs to change or live alone and not drag others into your mess.
Lacking of empathy + lacking of communication=inability to grow together nor make it work. The bell went on when you said « does it get easier? » thank you 🙏🏻
❤ I love your addition + =
equation. Great coment!
You've got such a charming grin that indeed God gives you each chance to smile.
We never resolved fights because he would never own up or apologize or say he would try better. It was always turned around on me of why are we always fighting or I ruined this or that
@@JulieDiana1992 hello
@@JulieDiana1992sounds like we dated the same person except i dated a woman 😅
When you question anything, that is your soul trying to guide you in the right direction. Everyone has a soul, but many can’t sit still and be quiet long enough to hear it.
Maybe it's your Anxiety talking.
@@simontmn or fear talking too
@@simontmn Absolutely! I came out of a toxic relationship, and I find it difficult to connect with someone new, so I can't always trust my gut rn, because everything is still healing, and it's all over the place.
@@22SeaJay yes I have bad anxiety probably from my harsh mother. It's a different voice from my gut, and often a lot louder. Your anxiety will often contradict your gut and make you act in ways that are actually foolish and even destructive
6:20 Q1 - Is their big flaw offset by a redeemable quality (that can neutralize that flaw)?
13:19 Q2 - Is it getting any easier?
16:25 Q3 - What decision do I feel drawn to in my wisest moment?
Thanks my ADHD didn't let me watch the entire video with full attention
You're a hero and you deserve infinite 😊
@@d1m666666 Aw, that’s a kind thing to say. Thank you! ☺️
Yes! You saved me time ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks
Once you seriously question if you should be with someone or not, there are already some problems, even if you don't want to acknowledge yet.
Not really in my case. I am an anxious person, I question everything. I know it won't work when I stop questioning, become numb and tell myself "Nope."
Agree with Mickey 100%
Thank you for the answer. Listening to Dr. John Gray (no advertisement), the questions and uncertainty are a normal state of dating. It doesn't mean it will not have any chance. Take care!
I hear ya - Mickey!
No matter how much you might like someone - it’s not going to work out in the long run, if they’re not the right type of people for you!
If you want a happy life - consider someone that fits your personality, that matches well with you, and that is supportive of what you want to do - and actually wants to be part of it!
Anyway, that’s my two cents.
-Carlos Verde - Dating Tips
@@hinnyu7748 Hello :)
There is nothing wrong in questioning everything(?). If we want to be able to make good life decisions, we have to base those decisions on good information. It's the way we learn and grow :)
From a relationship point of view, if I constantly question my relationship with my partner, I really do believe that there is something behind my worries.
*But, firstly, I have to "analyze" myself.*
Maybe it's just a subconscious thing that triggers a defense mechanism that makes me question certain things. Bad experiences from previous relationships are probably the most common.
This may sound a bit controversial, but if I think that there is something wrong with my partner, it does not necessarily mean that that's always my partner's fault.
Although, questioning things can be a good way to spot red flags, too much questions can lead us to nonexistent/made-up red flags.
Just my two cents :)
The hardest thing I’ve ever done in relationship was to leave a wonderful man whose life was going in a very different direction from mine. Not a bad direction, but a direction, trajectory, that we both realized was not compatible. We’ve stayed dear friends for over 40 years, and I thank God we did not try to “make it work”. It would have been very draining and frustrating. We have the benefit of wanting the best for each other and seeing that we’d never have been able, at a core level, to give each other what we needed and wanted in life. We had four amazing years together, and parted as friends, supporters, cheerleaders. My life was so enhanced from knowing him. Much love and health to you, V.💖🥰
That’s really lovely , very emotional. Glad you could stay in each others life in the most positive way possible
What you just described, is what I am currently going through. It is tough for me because I want commitment and he does not. I want more than friendship, and if I walk away there won’t be anything left. I don’t think I can be friends because when I am with him, it hurts knowing that I can never have him. For me, once there has been intimacy I just can’t turn off my emotions like a faucet and go into buddy mode. I feel like it’s friendship or nothing. I’m torn
@@jeannejohnson2177 bite the bullet, Dear Heart. He has not put you on a pedestal if he isn’t mature enough to have a friendship even if he cannot have you sexually. He doesn’t want commitment, you do. Every man will tell you exactly where he is coming from, if we just pay attention. The minute he told you he didn’t want to commit, that’s the minute you say, “Peace out! Best of everything in your journey, but I won’t be tagging along!”
The “I’m not ready to commit,” or “I don’t see getting married” male is happy to use you sexually, but give you nothing in return. No security, no emotional, or spiritual support, no partnership whatsoever. You are worth far more than that. You are SETTLING for a substandard model. You deserve ‘top-of-the-line’! Respect yourself! Know your value! You are a diamond, don’t put yourself in a pot-metal setting!💕
@@jeannejohnson2177 dont make the same mistake i made by staying in a one way relationship, i spent 14 years of a living nighmare before i said enough and left, better to be alone and alone than to be miserable and alone with someone who you care for, my dog was my best friend not my ex.
I am going through this right now... I had to let him go.. It hurts so much.. Were you immediately friends? I don't think I can be friends with him.
6:16 1. Is their big flaw offset by a truly redeemable quality?
13:21 Is it getting easier?
16:14 What decision do I feel drawn to in my wisest moments?
You’re awesome lol
Thank you!!!
Was trying to look for this in the comments
Pisces me him cancer
Thx so much!!!!!!
Intuition is the best guide , and ‘doesn’t matter what anyone says if you don’t feel good in their company then move on ✨😊
Not agree. The heart is one of the most deceitful thing. And intuition is deceiving as weel.
I had a partner who was conflict avoidant and overly sensitive. We couldn't have any sort of conversation about our relationships, or my needs, no matter how gently I presented something. Most of the time he would break up with me 😬. Learned a lot from that one.
I have been there. We had zero conflicts for years, I was always trying to motivate him gently in the direction of our future but he flipped out immediately and broke up with me so many times it became a bad habit. My needs started to be neglected, though I always cared about his. He started skipping the conversation about our future because we faced a financial hardship and he just wanted to run away from the problem instead of solving it. It's the easiest way.
@@iamauroraborealis Exactly. It's easier in the short term, but so much harder in the long run. But it took me years to finally walk away, and I have to acknowledge the part that I played in it all. I'm sorry to hear you went through something similar, and I hope you've moved on since!
My ex would break up with me then come back a few days later. My new gf asked to break up a couple times but came round right away when I explained she was making a mistake :D Like me she has anxiety, in her case it manifested as her thinking I wasn't really interested in her. This has been good for me as it has made me really step up and show my interest/lust/love et al very clearly, which is good for me too.
Just ended a 2 Year relationship THREE HOURS AGO. Dismissive Avoidant. Significant early trauma. Wonderful woman trapped in trauma. First year was great. Second became increasingly difficult as we became closer than she could handle but still a long way from fulfilling for me. My opinion is that DAs are pure magic until you have invested fully, then they lose all self awareness, flexibility, willingness to compromise, and even interest in you.
She dumped me after 2 years of relationship right before my birthday. Sent me a huge ass text without solving anything and yeah. That's it. Confronted her one month later and she still couldn't answer anything I've asked her prior. Also a very conflict avoidant person. Still very mixed feelings regarding her. I guess she was a covert narcissist. Everything else was burning in her life. Finances, health, just regular shit, that you gotta go. Fixed everything and now my usefulness ran out I guess, when shit started to pile up on my side. Still unsure whether she did all that with ill intent or she just lived her life 28 years like that and I had to see the consequences for myself not to invest in such a person again. Man it was rough
I had a guy that was overly critical but also very hard to please and nothing I did was good enough. It was demoralising and soul destroying. Fortunately, I take the stance now that if I’m not enough for them, they should try to find somebody else rather than trying to change me into something I’m not. Ill be enough for the right people and I’m enough for me, that’s all that counts.
And I bet as soon as you dumped him he begged u not to leave lol
The flip side of this is hypersensitivity -- Too many people regard criticism as any kind as unjustified. I love hearing about my flaws when presented with heart and good intention. My ex girlfriend regarded any comment as purely negative, forming the same stance you describe.
She was one of the best people I'd ever known. She was the right one for me, and I believe I did everything to be the right one for her. That doesn't mean we were without faults, and apparently one of her biggest ones was being incapable of hearing about them. Or communicating them.
Gosh I wish I didn't love this woman so much.
My experience is that these people (not excluding myself) are at LEAST as critical to themselves as to you. Which is no excuse for their harmful behaviour of course.
Relationships are awfully complicated. I sure hope that you did treat him well and have been the best person you could’ve been for him. I am currently in a relationship where, from her perspective, I am the guy you’re describing. However, what you are describing about your decision was what her ex told her constantly, excusing not working on himself or giving her what she needed. I believe a lot of our problems come from her trauma with him. I basically treat her like a queen from day one, always giving, always showing extreme amounts of love. Whenever I bring something up about her she’s super defensive and in general she is really not open to change and work internally. Through her defensiveness and manipulation, for a while I thought that maybe my expectations from a relationship really are too much for anyone (btw to make things worse she’s 6 years older than me and had two 4 year relationships before taking my virginity)
Anyway I don’t know where I’m going with this, just hoping someone reads this year late comment and wants to talk.
Oh, and I do have something actually. I don’t know if you’re on a new relationship by now, but for you and your current/future partner’s sake, please don’t follow this “no changing” attitude as strictly as it sounds like you want to. There are amazing people that will give you the world out there, and will love you as you are, but it doesn’t mean you can treat them badly or ignore their needs. When this someone that loves you, and is hurt by you, finds the courage to open up about it, please do NOT tell him “this is who I am and if you want to be with me you have to accept it”. This shit hurts.
@same with my current. It’s so hard, man.
Something I learned from my past experiences is actions must match words and don't go by there potential but go by who they are now.
The not dating for potential thing is HUGE! So many people find themselves in relationships for far too long because of that. That was a lesson I learned the hard way. But the good news is that I learned it.
That is very true. As a man in a relationship, I am trying to constantly follow, 'just do it', and not merely utter words and I see how important it is for my wife. However, it is tricky sometimes. Sometimes we need to talk about something b4 implementing it but it depends on the matter at hand, I guess.
With my ex, it was anger, arrogance and a refusal to take responsibility. There was also hyperambition and lack of presence during the very little time we had together. Throw in some verbal and emotional abuse and an alcohol problem, and it was a ticking time bomb. So glad I got out.
Yep, narcissist
Wow. It’s like reading my autobio.
Omg you are me!!!! Run when alcohol abuse isn’t acknowledged and you are the problem. I wasted 17 years dating !!! Don’t look back keep going.
You've got such a charming grin that indeed God gives you each chance to smile.
Am really tired of being single alone
“Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction.” The most impactful quote my inspiration, my mom, has ever shared with me. This realization was a crucial part of one of the most pivotal moments in my life thus far.
that is a great quote, i wish i had learnt it much sooner because i have been used abuse and walked over by too many a holes because of that.
I just want to say that because of your advice, you have just saved me from an abusive relationship, I hope you truly understand that what you do is not just changing lives, but saving lives. Thank you truly from the bottom of my heart 🙏🙏🙏
So glad you were able to get out. Stay safe and live in full gratitude and divine sovereignty!
Not self aware and victim mentality.He never looked at what he did wrong in his relationships and always played victim, that is very dangerous coz he never worked on himself and always thought everyone was the problem!
I kinda was that person and now I regret it more than anything in my life. He has drinking problem and financial problem (even before us) but he took all the blame. I realise I was so god dn childish in the end when we fight and I behaved so immature, felt like he didn’t wanted me anymore. We talk sometimes but my biggest wish is to get back together and never ever take him for granted again. He’s amazing and I hope he will miss me also
I dealt with a female like that. It's IMPOSSIBLE to have a open discussion about flaws and how to better ourselves as a couple. The second you point at them and show em what they're doin wrong...they go ballistic. In their eyes it's ALL your fault.
My ex was like this too with his first girlfriend (and me eventually), he basically told me that it was the girl's fault that they broke up, like she had a difficult personality. However, it was later that I understood that he was influenced by someone close to him (and actually his childhood crush) to break up with her.
And when we broke up he basically gaslighted me and blamed me on him cheating 🤣🤣 He's a hypocrite and I'm glad he's out of my life 💃🔥
I had the Same thing with her!. Lack of honesty, loyalty and deceit shows immaturity toward commitment.
I know you said this 2 years ago but this is echoing my experience right now 😢 I am so sad because this guy just doesn't get it.
I really appreciate how this video started, it’s easy to judge or be quick to say leave.
My parents were married for 40yrs until my dad passed away and I learned marriage takes work.
My takeaway from this video is if you have an awesome person, they’re not toxic but can grow in certain ways and you see the relationship improving. Stick with it and remember to keep doing your own work as well
Most people forget to do their own side of the work because they’re too preoccupied with the other one’s flaws…sadly that’s the reality…
Exactly
💯
@@zoomzoombabe That is so true.
❤❤😍🌷💝
A dangerous pairing I often notice in immature men is the ability to be very critical of others, but having the inability to be self reflecting. For example: "That girl is too fat to go on a date with," he says while stuffing his face with potato chips.
Gold.
Knew such an individual with Very critical-aggressive pairing (strikes thrown)
Horrible person to be around psychologically abusive
The dark pairing that almost destroyed me was lack of empathy + self centered
Me too. Absolutely devastating. Torturous
At this point I don't even want to bother with a relationship...
When you don't play games they're not interested.... When you're genuine and kind (even when you are assertive by nature and with your boundaries) they seem to expect you to be boring or treat you like a doormat or take you for granted. If you have your life in order (in my case a good job, own my own house, am debt free) then they feel like they bring nothing to the table - which is totally off base. Like apparently I have to be a mess and in need of saving in order for a guy to take interest. Then when you're in a relationship, once you've decided there are strong feelings there, then it's a matter of are they being faithful and all that. I'm just over it. And that's sad as I'm absolutely someone who wants to be in a loving and equal relationship with someone who I can build a life with, alongside the one I've built for myself, and cheer on as they do the same. Where are the guys like you Matt? You, and men like you, seem to be unicorns. 😞
Read 'getting the love you want' by harville hendrix
I definitely feel number 2. "Is it getting easier?"
When my ex and I were first together, we used to talk about how easy things were and how we were effortlessly great together.
Fast forward to the last couple of years and things had gotten harder. I believe our incompatibility has made itself more apparent as we were supposed to take the next steps up in our relationship.
A bit of a dark pairing occurred when my partner was hopeful/ambitious about what our relationship could be, but not industrious enough to help me build. It basically left me feeling like I was supposed to carry her up the mountain while she did nothing.
I'm not saying she was a total witch or anything, im juat saying how it made me feel. When I brought it up she would get extremely defensive and ask me what our plan was to be. Still scratching my head about that one.
I feel you😥
I feel this brother. I was in a similar situation. Difference is, not for years, but roughly for six months. She liked/loved my reliability and the support and warmth she felt from me, but there was a lack of reciprocity. She could not give me the support and reliability I needed. Willingly or unwillingly, I don't know.
And then there is the person who agrees with you about needing to change but never does. Empty words can last a long time beware…… and to add to it all they are really nice and treat you great! I’m proud to say I have removed myself from this !
You’ve got such a charming grin that indeed God gives you each chance to smile.
Selfish + unempathetic
During breakup my ex told me he didn’t wanna be the one who learn certain things with me. I was upset but now I understand how he felt. I also didn’t wanna wait for him to become less selfish and empathetic. Those are very rooted traits that are hard to change.
Boring + dishonesty
Worst dark pairing I've experience:
-Insecure + manipulative.
Dark pairing on myself:
-compassion + lack of standard, as mentioned!
-bad at communicating my feelings/thoughts + self healing.
I end up getting hurt by not communicating what I feel, therefore the other person doesn't know why I am taking distance, and at the same time I have a tendency to heal my own wounds (which I find a positive trait) but in this case caused by myself by not letting the other know what is happening to me.
In the end I "resolve" a problem I have with my partner, just by myself.
Good pairing I've really appreciated:
-Indecisive + funny. Even though the moment to make a decision lasted FOREVER (I'm also indecisive), once he chose something, the rest of the moment was really enjoyable!
Dark pairing. Lazy+insecure. You cannot get this person to do anything, but if you start to bring this issue up, the insecurity kicks in and the person becomes defensive. Nothing changes.
@vic Alen, my ex had the same pattern as yours. His lack of communication his needs and setting boundaries (saying yes to things he wasn't ready or willing to say yes to) only brought resentment and distance from his side, while I thought everything was great between us and we were at our best. 2y relationship, >1y living together- he threw it away through the drain cause he thought the "issue" which his was trying to solve in his head solely did not have a solution. Absolutely shattered me, it's my biggest trauma that appears I've been living in a completely different reality. I still cannot make peace with his decision 4 months later cause it makes no sense. Please do not do this to your partner do not shut down.
Sounds like you’re an avoidant
Eventually I had to face the reality that my partner was very anxious + extremely defensive + very low on both empathy and compassion. It actually took almost a year of not being able to shake this «uneasy» feeling in my gut until I just finally realized «oh right, this is impossible»!
This might be my favorite relationship advice ever; it sounds like everyone else is all too quick to find excuses to push people to the curb and say thank you next. Reality is often more complicated! Knowing I have different capacity for different red flags, and how some red flags compound each other whereas others are balanced out by redeeming qualities, helps me understand why I feel the way I do about some people versus others. And also great to validate my hunch that despite all the advice i’ve ever gotten about “working on myself so I can be a better partner”, most people are not “done growing” before they enter a healthy relationship. But it helps a lot to be well on your way in the journey!
Speaking as someone who is the exact opposite of "quick to find excuses to push people to the curb and say thank you next" I would say he offers a sobering advice for people like me who at certain point should find it within themselves and their hearts enough strenght to tell themselves "ok, that's it. I'm done in here. Enough is enough.". So well, people with "quick to find excuses to push people to the curb and say thank you next" don't need it. They already have natural ease with regard to handling relationships in a certain way. People like me, especially introvertic ones, may get a motivational kick in the butt at certain point, what is on most occassions needed when things are already long overdue. As for "working on myself so I can be a better partner”- you can go to hell and back with it if it's one side and another side consider themselves to be perfect and doing nothing and I guarantee it won't do you any good. You will only end up hurting more than you would without even lifting your little finger in the first place. And yes, at the end you will hear that you are the worst person under the sun. So as for " working on onself"- do it for yourself if you feel that you need such an inner growth, do not do it for other people and do not do it in this naive belief that this will "save the relationship". It won't. It will only make scapegoating you hurt more than it would without it. That's all.
I’ve come to realize that I value my peace of mind over everything. The only thing disturbing my peace right now is my relationship. It sucks because I love him and he is truly a wonderful person, but I cannot hang on any longer unless he acknowledges his hurtful flaws and works hard at changing them. We have our first counseling session in 3 days. I am ready to end it for good if I don’t see that happening DURING that session. I think I know deep down that this has to end, but I won’t give up until I’ve tried everything.
I love u ❤❤❤really
I like u 😍😍😍🌷🌷I m alone
I'm in the same place
I want to end this
But couldn't give up
@@lorrenprathvi7401 ❤❤😍😍🌷
@@lorrenprathvi7401 same here 🥺
I don't know when to let go or how long I should try working things out before I can give up and leave because I've tried communication which was met with defensiveness
The funny thing is that deep down I know it'll end eventually
Appreciate this take, as someone who is fearful of attaching to others and am at times hyper vigilant. I also seek advice from everyone and am just now learning to trust my own instincts. There is a fine balance between working through the negatives in a relationship and also learning to let go of the wrong ones.
Well said. I appreciate your input too
Woww she just described me Woww
This video really hit home for me! I had that “wise moment” the other day in my garden where everything felt like it finally made sense and I knew what I needed todo! The answer has honestly been screaming at me for about 3 years but I have kept ignoring it because I am so scared of hurting them and also so scared of experiencing the pain of a break up again! But I feel like I finally have the courage to make the right choice for my life! Thank you so much!
How'd it go?
@@Joy2theWorld369 Honestly, it took me about 3 weeks after writing that to gather the courage! But I did it! It was really horrible seeing them that upset but I stayed strong and listened to my instincts and didn't change my mind despite the feelings of wanting to take it all back in the moment! I feel so much lighter now, there is nothing like living aligned to what you truly feel deep down. Also knowing I have set them free to find someone one day who will love them in a way I couldn't, because I care about them so much and want them to have that kind of love! Also, the break up pain I was scared of isn't really happening because I think I have known for so long, and it feels right. I am sad and do cry a lot and miss him like crazy at times, but I am also smiling and giggling and so happy I was brave and am no longer lying to myself!
For anyone questioning their relationship, I really do think we all actually know... We are just often so scared of the change and the hurt that could be caused. But I will say it again - There is nothing like living a life aligned to what you truly feel deep down. Gook luck! xxx
“When you know who you truly are, there is an abiding alive sense of peace. You could call it joy because that's what joy is: vibrantly alive peace. It is the joy of knowing yourself as the very life essence before life takes on form. That is the joy of Being - of being who you truly are.” -Eckhart Tolle
"the culture that you want to create in your relationship". Amen. This is the best video you have posted Matt.
I don’t know what my ex dark pairings are, but this is my situation. I had met this woman at a friends wedding that loved me as I and her child got along tremendously well. After 6 plus months of dating I asked her to marry me. Now I’m Canadian and she is American as a qualifier. What ensued was a bridzilla where the wedding was the ultimate prize of what she wanted. Me as a man thought this day was about the bride not the groom so I went along with it. 6 months out with a few more red flags started popping up. I told myself that it will get better. It didn’t. The day I left ( 30 day marriage ) the last hurtful thing she said was I was better off without you. At that point I packed my bags and left. I never looked back even when she said we still could be friends. This happened of 25 years ago. Today I’m happily married 20 plus years with 3 beautiful daughters. Best decision I’ve ever made.
@larathornton8469 looks like a middle finger just not sure if it’s for me or my ex or something else totally different
Wow that’s so brave of you! And awesome 🤩
Brave, good decision!
In my 2 year relationship it only got worse. I was madly in love, and kept giving him excuses… (he is overwhelmed, he is insecure, he was abandoned by parents and loved ones, that’s why he is angry)
But in my “wisest moments”, I heard: RUN.
Selfishness & Ambition - That focused time together rarely happened, and there was very little to no acknowledgement of my feelings in a given situation. I experienced the loss of several family members during our time together, and there was a lack of real compassion for what I was feeling. 😔😞
Sorry to hear that Jayme, feel you.
I have went though the same thing .. it felt like the only person that mattered was him, his time and what he was experiencing in life .. and I was the last person he thought about or spent time with .. he was extremely motivated to “get shit done” as he would say . If he only would have put that same effort into the relationship…. 😪
Goodness! Thank you so much for this video. I needed to hear this. I've been struggling for so long about the choices that I'm making in my relationship. There is something truly magical about finding peace. You got right to the core of it. So often we are searching, questioning, comparing, building etc.. just busy little bees trying to find or keep hold of a "perfect" relationship. What it all comes down to is peace. If you have peace with your partner you have found the sturdiest and most solid foundation to build upon. This Tolle quote will stick with me forever now. ❤️ "Joy is vibrantly alive peace" Thank you Matthew!!
He is a hard worker and I love our conversations but he doesn't follow through with our plans he always has excuses so I'm walking away because I don't want to be disappointed anymore
I walked away after 3&1/2 years and it broke me. I honestly thought he’d change. One day I got tired and ended things through text. Felt like the biggest mistake ever.
@@shonapink6936and how does it feel now? Was it a mistake still? or are you glad that you walked away?
Why mistake when u got tired@@shonapink6936
Even the most minor issues will aggravate itself with those who can't communicate, listen, empathize, clarify, acknowledge, analyze and improve.
Even the major issues will fix themselves with those who can communicate, listen, empathize, clarify, acknowledge, analyze and improve.
this video is so incredibly nuanced, don't know how you do that without sounding like an enlightened centrist, whose answer to everything is just the mid point , your stuff always feels life affirming!
Worst dark pairing I ever experienced was actually in a friend- difficulty with self esteem combined with a strong sense of right/wrong. This may not sound like a terrible combination, but it resulted in a person who was extremely defensive to ANY criticism while also being super willing to judge those around her. I ended up realizing that she was completely willing to prioritize soothing her own ego and feeling like a good person over actually treating the people around her well.
Holy moly… dark pairings, neutralizing pairings vs excuse to ignore the undesirable quality. Matthew, you have matured so much. I’m a long time follower and recently become active again and I feel thatYour insights are at a whole other level of wise! Thank you for sharing/ coaching us through turbulent times trying to navigate our relationship. ❤
My biggest issue here is that people seem to believe that there is a second chance. But unfortunately true love is unbroken and it always will be. If you are questioning if your partner loves you etc, it is already over. It is not about "does he or she love me", it is just a matter of time before YOU realise that YOU do NOT love him/her anymore. No trust - No love.
Dark Pairing that I recently faced in my partner - Narcissistic+ Lack of self awareness+ Victimized
Dark Pairing that I have overcome and in the process of overcoming - Anxiety+Violent Communication+Lack of Boundaries
How are you handling the dark paring with your partner right now? My boyfriend is very similar (narcissistic, hard to acknowledge anything he did is wrong, and doesn't always take responsibility).
@@dancergirl562000 I have let him go. It was extremely hard for me to do that believe me. I wasn't capable of letting him go. It took me almost 9 months just to establish my boundaries. It's hard as hell but you got to choose yourself and be kind to yourself or you never know when you turn into the toxic one in the relationship, not just with your partner but all your relationships.
Arrogance and victimise d. Not seeing him as a victim of his past and telling him how much his arrogance has hurt people around him nearly costed me my life last year. He couldn’t cope with the truth and stabbed me. I survived, he is in prison and I try to find positivity in others again as I always liked people. Thanks Matthew 😊
Anxious and defensive. You literally hit the nail on the head
That's my sis. Lol everytime I try to help her she gets angry and make mean comments. So i kinda gave up on that.
Yes!
i've been having a difficult time trying to cope with the pain after my ex left me, and there were days i wanted to go back to her, just even to chek up on her, even after i knew she betrayed me.
it's been a hell of a year basically, but i managed to get out of it, somehow. it hurt remembering the old good days, but i now know there's nothing to be hurt about. i kinda knew what i missed about her, and gained enough strenght to recognize that what i've been searching for, is in myself. i feel at peace, because i know that now is my time to shine, have fun, be proud of myself for my achievements and continue to work hard for my dream. and i hope that everybody who's hurting for someone that wasn't at peace with themselves is realizing that. have a nice day.
Just taking a moment to say thank Matthew. Your videos have and continue to push me to always go past judging the other person, and above all to reflect on my words, actions and thus a desire for continuous growth and self improvement. Thank you.
I’ve been struggling because I just recently had that moment of “this is not what I want to feel in a relationship.” He is a very negative person 60% of the words have to do with something going wrong in life, or pointing out all the wrong . I am the complete opposite. And after 1 1/2 years, it’s getting to me. It’s effecting MY own happiness. He is going through some big life changes, but I’ve been trying to find the words to say to express to him that he is effecting me in a negative way.
THANK YOU. Talking about being compassionate about their struggles, while holding a standard to see change is EXACTLY the answer I’ve been praying for. If I see change, then this can work. But I do have to see change. Not afraid to walk away IF all than can be done has been done.
Jessibev. Ur words are so soothing.
This is the advice I really needed. Thank you . It has helped me with the decision to give him another chance and watch for the changes he is willing to make. He has issues that are going to take a lot of time to fix and he also has a lot to offer and has good qualities. As long as I see changes I will move forward with him .
what happened?
Ambition+lack of quality time+judging everyone around (no one was good enough) was the trifecta of my despair for the last part of my first relationship 😵
Thank you for that quote, “Joy is vibrantly alive peace!” Going to incorporate that into my wedding vows this fall! That’s how I feel about our life together and our relationship 🥰
I had to leave my partner because I was anxious and defensive paired with them being the same but they were nuch more broken and hurting. It was a walking on eggshells relation and while I miss them greatly after two months it's been a slow long journey to realize we weren't healthy for each other even though we cared so deeply for one another.
Maybe after the healing is done but that may be the regret talking. It's Time to work on myself for the next relationship I have, no matter the pain it causes
Self centeredness, lack of self awareness and conflict avoidant
My own dark pairing is exactly what you described: anxious and defensive but contrite and empathic.
OMG, I soooo agree with this! Red flags are a often definitely a distraction from our own work to do. And friends often give advice without us having given the full story - we rarely share the crap we have done that might have contributed to the behaviour we then experience. Judging other people's relationships is a past time for many people... we need to learn to listen better as friends and ask good questions rather than giving advice...
Have followed off an on for a few years. Really appreciate your more compassionate and balanced advice that has evolved. Your advice has been good, but it’s become so much better with time. Real gem quality!
Jealous and avoidant. Always needed proof and reassurance that I wasn’t cheating, but when I would bring up a concern of my own about any potential threat to our relationship he’d get defensive and/or completely shut down to avoid talking about it.
I’m on the other end of this. I drove my girlfriend away by acting like this for a long time. I was not well. I am learning to make the changes I need to make in order to thrive in a relationship if it’s meant to be. She broke up with me a month ago after 8.5 years
@@DaltonCa18 maybe she will see your changes! I am in contact with my ex again, silently hoping (but not expecting) that he will learn and grow.
I was a victim and extremely anxious. I had to learn the hard way through health issues and losing someone I love to better control my anxiety and emotions. I am proud of myself for self growth
I think real love is when there's a red flag but both of you are willing to work through it together and become better and stronger together.
That's why #2 is "Is it getting easier?"
I agree, imo it just comes down to equal amounts of willingness to move in the same direction. You have to be on the same page or near enough in the book at the same time too.
Thank you a lot for the knowledge. 😍
The combinations I’ve encpuntered in the past:
⛔️ Hyper ambition + narcissism
⛔️ Lack of honesty + lack of self-awareness
⛔️ Jealousy + not willing to work on improving
Dark pairing I've encountered: Inconsistent - Inconsiderate. He would switch back and forth between ignoring me for days to texting/calling daily, with no warning of when he was going to switch to which one. This, coupled with his reconsideration of my feelings, meant that should I need to step away when he wanted to get close, or if I needed closeness when he was in his cold streak, I was the problem for having a need.
Dark Pairing in myself I've been working on: Anger - Anxiety. My anxiety builds up and I'm afraid to say anything for fear of wrecking the mood/relationship, then resentment builds and unleashes as anger. Been working on undoing that by establishing better boundaries and learning to express myself in a healthy way when a problem happens instead of bottling it up and letting it fester.
I would say one pairing that I really struggle with is insecurity/fear of change and unwavering stubborness when a man digs his heels. There’s no where to grow. This can stretch for years. I am someone who has a zest for life and adventure. Its what fuels me. To me, this is stagnancy/death. I’ve dated incredibly loving, loyal men with this combo of fear of change and stubbornness but when it goes on too long…this is a deal breaker.
That's fair. I believe we men should deal with our insecurities and fear before entering a relationship. That sure was my problem.
YES... Have we been dating the same guy?
Anxiety and lack of self-awareness. That is a dangerous pairing. Experienced that lately. He was very anxious about women abandoning him, or not being satisfied with him. Therefore he became defensive frequently. What that looks like is being anxious that I would do the same thing that these other women did. He was unable to acknowledge that issue and how he was pushing others away. Made it impossible to talk about things. That lack of communication clearly doesn’t work in relationships. I decided to walk away before I got further in. We’d only been on one date and I just thought this has trouble written all over it lol
When I got that quiet moment and I realized my first priority should be self love and I realized what I was doing in that relationship was so far from it. I made the decision to break it off. It was the best thing I had ever done. I have spent the last five years finding my peace and love for myself. I have been the happiest I have ever been in my life. I realized, I did not require a man in my life to be happy. And whoever I get with, the common denominator will be me in the relationship. I take me and my standards and thoughts and my negotiating factors with me. After watching you Matthew over the past months you have helped me grow and helped me realize I definitely did not know it all at age 60. And then he came along this past March, just completely out of the blue, wasn't even looking. we met through a simple phone call that I was not expecting. And we are scheduled to meet on July 1. Thanks for everything and I will definitely keep these practices in mind.
Over and over I kept coming back to leaving him. Over and over I kept feeling depleted and disrespected and unable to get to a place of trust because he, my ex, kept re-destroying and ruining moments to build trust. I knew i wasn't safe with this person emotionally and leaving the relationship was right.
I remember sitting on the swing in the playground on the phone to my best friend and I said for the first time “I don’t think he’s my person” .. a week later I found out he had been on dating apps and cheating on me for weeks while I was going to work for the day. Always trust your intuition!
Had the most fantastic relationship, then a day after telling me I’m the love of her life , and to never leave her, she finished it! We never had a crossed word ever, just laughter, amazing love making, great nights in/out. Over a matter of hours she ditched me. No closure, no reason given. Every day is torture not knowing why 😭😞
Maybe your intuitions were not matching... maybe she wanted more communication, talks about feelings, to make sure all was ok on both sides, assumptions can be very misleading. I don't know, it's your story... I had a partner like that, all fun and laughter, amazing chemistry, but avoiding deep talks and thus having no idea if her attitude was ok, not wanting to know. It was not ok at all on my side, I left her overnight, without a talk, because after years avoiding them, it was just too late.
His depression, anxiety and defensiveness and irrascibility - showed only at home - was a disaster. He made nothing to be self aware, was not working on it, was not caring how it impacts my mental health, not taking his medical pills in time - this is why I left after long bad years. I am in a happy place now.
The dark pairing I've experienced has been, with the last 3 men I've been with, is Angry + Blaming.
Every one of them had unresolved anger with the ex-wife, and then expected me to be their therapist/emotional punching bag. None of this came to light until 6 months + of amazing sex and whirlwind romance, and I was emotionally invested. It has been brutal. I'm taking a long timeout to heal and focus on myself.
I have a lot of unresolved anger towards my ex husband myself, but I’m working through it myself and try to avoid mentioning any of the negative things with my bf of three years. I don’t want him to feel like he is walking on eggshells and communicate with me when I’ve done something bothersome. Not cool that those guys burdened you with their anger.
“Joy is vibrantly alive peace.” Eckhart Tolle’s teachings have profoundly changed my life. ♥️
I was with my girlfriend for 7 years. We had great memories but she just couldn’t show a commitment to our future. I was always trying to have the conversation with her about saving together for a house and for a family but she always had an excuse on how she couldn’t save. It got to a point where I started to question why are we even together. She wanted to go on trips, holidays etc and I wanted to do that but I became anxious thinking how can you afford that but not save with me. She broke up with me because things go ‘boring’. It’s a tough pill to swallow but she could never express her feelings as to why it was boring so we couldn’t even work on it.
That’s really tough I’m so sorry, I hope you’re doing okay now
This is the best video he has ever done. Being self-aware, having compassions, setting standards and continuously working on oneself for both men & women will in the future lead to personal growth and development that will pave the way for union that is harmonious, fulfilling and beautiful
Two qualities that I experienced were exactly what you said, “selfish and charismatic”. I spent four years rationalizing that mix, and on the other side of it, can see it with clarity now. A pros and cons list doesn’t work on human qualities unless they balance each other out. I loved that point. 💗 And I love the clarity and understanding I have from watching your videos. It gives words to a lot I have experienced, but couldn’t see clearly at the time.
Are you still with the person now? I'm seeing someone who's exactly those 2 things and I don't know what I should do. Well, deep down I know exactly what to do but it's hard to make the decision.
You’ve got such a charming grin that indeed God gives you each chance to smile.
Man you really have a way about talking over these things that’s impressive. I didn’t know how to explain why my dad is so hard for me to get along with until you said anxious and defensive pairing. I’m not perfect, and I’m glad I can at least own up to it.
This is comforting me knowing I’m interested in someone after I’ve been focusing on myself growing and learning about me and understanding my fallbacks.
The person I met often enjoys talking about importance of self growth for the sake of living a fulfilled life and so do I. However I ended up here because they have gone cold on me after such a consistent refreshing chemistry where we could be transparent and connect emotionally before the romance even started. Now I feel at level zero for not seeing this coming, yet again. What the hell happened for them to put aside what seemed like such a great start with no pressure but mutual romantic interest?? I understand why people ghost but this was just so off putting and incredibly abrupt. Deep down this person is struggling with themself or they felt overwhelmed by the connection…I really don’t know
Bad pairings in my experience; avoidant and self righteous, (my mother and husband); jealous and deceitful, two of my sisters. Yes, my life was very difficult for decades until I found Matthew. I went on his retreat when he did them in person in Florida. It literally changed my life. I put into practice all that he taught me and I have nothing to do with the two sisters and have the best relationship I have ever had with my mother now. I am now happiy living my own life (not others) and doing the things I always wanted to do.
6:15 1) Is their big flaw offset by a truly redeemable quality?
13:21 2) Is it getting easier?
16:16 3) What decision do I feel drawn to in my wisest moments?
I love Matthew! How did he get SO wise at such a young age? If only I had someone like him to help me when I was younger! Do not ignore what he says!
This is why we love you MH. ❤ Soo humble and love how you are always able to take a step back and re-evaluate what you tell us. ❤ Yes some of us may have been too Matthew Husseyfied...😂😂 We do judge people too soon with red flags...when we don't acknowledge our own red flags. Thanks for another fab video buddy. ❤❤🙏🏽 xxxx
Love listening to you so peaceful
WOW... you hit the nail on the head when you said, "hyper ambitious and not present". My eyes opened, literally & figuratively.
I am questioning my relationship based on how I made changes and sacrifices, just so I can keep my girlfriend happy and from crying. She cries when I don't sleep over due to her missing me and I feel guilty at times. I also had to change my mentally on "doing things on my own" to "I have to do this with someone now". I am a selfish person, but not to the point where I don't think of others at all. Unfortunately she has never once made any changes or sacrifices for the sake of our relationship, but of she did, I haven't noticed them yet. I honestly don't know what to do and it's getting to the point where I miss being ME!
Asperger's and Narcissism . This is so hard as you have no idea what is behaviour that is part of being on the spectrum or cruel narcissism. You end up making so many allowances but are unsure of the cause or intent. Ultimately, continually being punished, lying and being passive aggressive made it ultimately necessary to walk away no matter what the cause.
This is the first video of yours that I am watching. The amount of depth and wisdom that has been woven into this is astounding. Fantastic advice. Big thanks from your newest subscriber
My own dark combos in the past I’ve healed and want to explore within a relationship of built trust :
1. Sweet/Compassionate & Naive = Easily fooled and Later Resentful
2. Independent + Secretive = Pushed people away & inability to Trust
I’ve experienced:
1. Exciting and Impulsive = Dangerous
2. Genius + Highly Competitive w/ All (including me) = Deceptive and Insecure
3. Successful /respectable in Work environment + Controlling at home w/Me = put downs, confusing & ultimately them telling me I was inferior
This was a decade ago. Today, I’m self aware & always learning. I love & trust myself. I went to counseling, read, watched RUclips and now, found your channel. Love your dedication, straight fwd depth and especially, metaphors.
Found you on amazing and curious Lisa’s Channel. Subscribed. 🎉Thank you so much!
hate those videos on YT that say that there's only 1 question ,however,i certainly not agree with any of those -- they say only sex expereince . yes, i mean it's important but really the only sign? no! and i love those that say that and then just take their spanish fly enhancer and say it was their energy but actually wasn't as we know now after those drops
I'm having such a hard time today. The break up came completely blindsided; thought we were heading towards sharing a life together. I'm reeling but listening to Matthew helps bring some clarity. Thank you for this content... I feel less confused and alone.
I just want to put out my thoughts real quick because I value this here and your channel. I came here because I am the one being really anxious and aggressive in my relationship, and I want to do better, if not for the relationship then for myself. Never felt like that before. I always thought that’s just who I am. My relationship is really interesting - I know that I am hyper sensitive, aware of what is happening inside of me and in my environment. I even acknowledge and communicate that. I can admit my mistakes - there are so many things I don’t appreciate about this person. Still I am here trying to figure it out. To my surprise she was the trigger for me to start healing myself. And now I step on this channel and you point out all the great values I have. I am able now to approach MY life with a way better confidence.
The three questions:
1)Is there big flaw offset by a truly redeemable quality?
Like humility, self awareness, empathy, using their empathy to be motivated to change. Doing the work that's necessary to heal themselves.
Are they balanced?
Difficult quality/ Good quality.
My last relationships dark pairing by
Insecure/blaming
2) is it getting easier?
I had standards that I needed to see progress and needed to progress myself and I found myself and then stagnating, stuck in a cycle.
Every other day was a huge amount of effort and work on my part. I felt exhausted by the relationship.
I was giving without getting back.
3)what decision is your true self drawn to?
I felt addicted to extreme highs to very hard lows
A dark pairing I experienced was generous and manipulative. Every gift had a price.
I’m really tired of being single alone ❤
I left a 4 year relationship with a man who had great qualities but paired with really negative ones too. Sometimes I feel weak because I remember the best ones. These were the dark pairings I had in my relationship-
1. Hard working but unmotivated
2. Loving but disrespectful
3. Caring but distant
4. Kind but defensive
5. Selfless but controlling
Blaming others and being a victim. Anger easily and runs from conflict. This video understands what is in my head ; So torn between wanting to love somebody so bad who I just cannot see myself happy with Because the lack of healing they refused to work on
You’ve got such a charming grin that indeed God gives you each chance to smile.
Myself is my defensiveness along with my anger issues. My anger issues were brought about by childhood traumas with being bullied along with my extreme poverty I felt my sadness only made people want to hurt me more but if I turned that sadness into rage first they wouldn't try to beat me up anymore. My defensiveness was so many manipulative people early on in my life that constantly lied or hurt me. So I had to start making myself feel the sad before any rage and go from there to give people the chance to prove me wrong and build relationships.❤
Matthew your message is true and profound! Its both compassionate and brutally/painfully honest in a way I can understand and grow from. Thank you, I appreciate you very much! I'm downloading this video so I can watch as needed!
I just ended a relationship of 3.5 years and this video just confirmed that I did the right thing. Thank you Matthew !
You’ve got such a charming grin that indeed God gives you each chance to smile.
I am autistic and I have been alone all my life. Still I have witnessed LOTS of relationships, and since I have good analytical skills and I am very neutral my friends often come to me for advices. And I must admit I do have the tendency to say : "He did this ? It's doomed. Run away."
But the funny thing is people never listen to me when they are in love, even when they think I am right. Because most of the time if they have feeling for someone, then they will see the story to the end. So whether there are red flags and whether they saw it doesn't really matter... (they'll still come crying on my shoulder, telling me I was right though).
My ex wanted me to talk him up to my daughter. He sent me catfished photos and said they were his son. Final and concrete proof he was a deceiver.
Lol! I love this :) thanks for sharing
I'm 63 yes old. Married for the wrong reasons😅
You now make total sense
Hope the others listening in still have time to embrace The best in life💗