Nobody is evil to their core, least of all a covert narcissist.. not that one should try to stay in a relationship with one of these people to try to "fix" them. They need professional help. But their disorder is a false self defense, they haven't developed their actual personality, whatever it might be, which is why they seem so empty.
I think a lot of covert narcissists like to portray themselves as gentle and empathetic, while looking melancholy. "Poor me! I care so much for others, but I've had it so rough."
Spot on! Yes! My dad is like that and so were a few exes. With my last relationship, I thought I was in a relationship with a nice guy but the red flags shone through quickly. He played the victim to a hilt and blamed his family for everything and had a lot of seething anger and resentment. I write professionally for a living and I also have a college degree in journalism. He worked in a trade and never finished college. He disliked his writing classes and would often criticize and tell me that writing was stupid...despite the fact that I was a professional writer and love writing. He also would criticize and pushed people's buttons at work on purpose. I find it funny that he criticized his coworkers for being idiot thugs who mistreated women...and he ended up doing the same thing and took the coward's way out by dumping me by text then blew me off and never heard from him. Luckily, he did me a favor. He moved to a different state to get together with his ex wife who I found out he was still married to. Yeah she can have him--she must be just as insecure and needy as him to take him back and he's the one who left her! Good riddance!! Covert narcs are very toxic energy vampires!!
Therese Pope OMG it’s as if you’re describing MY ex! I was sooo hurt when I realized I have to leave him or he’ll take me down with him, isolate me from my loved ones. Now though I’m SO relieved and happy. Don’t blame the ex now current wife, she probably has her issues and he’s capable of manipulating her. I have a friend like that. She’s been with an abusif husband and keeps going back to him. I really care for her and she is a really good friend, but I had to accept that I can’t help her because she refused all the help due to fear of being alone.
It is pretty upsetting when you realize you are a sucker for this manipulative charm. I've resigned myself to just prejudge all charming vulnerable people now because otherwise I will be blindsided again and again and again.
I was messed over by one of these ex-girlfriend female types that I met on Facebook back in 2014 studying me phase love bombing same music interests led up to a relationship then got personal since we were long distance visiting every year state-to-state total 5 years like the soulmate twin flame stuff she played acting all sweet loving shy always posting pictures on Facebook of her son and mom and how much shes proud and misses her mom repetitively from passing away since they don't have Empathy or Praise For Others being covert narcissist .looking back you now realize it's bogus just a daily 24/7 routine for Empathy Supply .I realize this is all for just narcissistic Supply and victim Fuel we were close up till this year in February never came across my mind she was a psycho-narc till the cold breakup disengagement and yes these are not your normal type of breakups they're narcissistic flip the script personality change childish shocking to yourself with the blocking me changeing number like I never existed then I backtracked and researched all this crap always look for the love bombing the little rages the smirks angry to happy smiley faces always do your narc credentials in the beginning red flags!! I know it's a sad mental illness and their sweet faces will haunt you forever but these people should take be taken out of society Force intervention or the mental Hospital
This is the most dangerous type. The cool, calm and quiet ones, then they strike and are nastier than any other. Controlling, verbally abusive and play mind games all the time until you are broken and your self esteem is crap. Oh and don’t forget the sarcasm and back handed compliments that bite
I’m 7 years in and 2 kids. I have no idea who I am anymore. I have no zero self esteem, he’s verbally abusive, passive aggressive, just down right mean. She has just described my life and our entire social life, which has completely non existent. I have no motivation , I’m depressed, I’m lonely, I’m confused and now he’s telling me that I’m mentally unwell and need to be medicated. I have no idea what to do!
i totally hear you. After I got passed the 5 years of abuse where I was mistreated so badly emotionally that I had actually believed that I was broken and garbage, I started to wake UP and then I learned about narcissism. the rest is history. they are disgusting, sick people, to treat others so cruel. the worst part is, they do it slowly so that you don't notice its happening until its too late. run!
It can absolutely lead to abuse. Unstable moods, unpredictable behaviors, negative talk, putting others down to bring them down to how you feel. Many people with depression can't do some things for themselves and often start to demand help from others without the ability to express gratitude or be a positive support back to that person. Every person that I know who was abusive, suffered from mental illness, including depression. Not all people who have depression abuse others but it is common
The covert narcissists are the ones you gotta watch out for. They fool you deeply with their calm, needy, vulnerable demeanor - then suddenly they turn 180 and flip into a classic textbook narcissistic monster that they truly are.
My grandmother literally said “I’m scared I can’t start that car to keep the battery going m. Come to the city every week to start it for me”. Me: I’m not coming to the city weekly to click a peddle. Her: *starts telling people I abandoned her*.
Victims of narcissists tend to be beaten down so much that they themselves display symptoms of the narcissist. Anti -social, fearful, not motivated, constantly apologizing, angry and dont know why, not confident etc.
Yes,I struggle with this. I have cptsd from my narcissist parent and I sometimes wonder if I am the monster now, not my ex that I'm skeptical about having narcissism. Idk... 😔
Once he realizes he upset me he goes oh Im the bad guy victimizes himself when I call him out Threatens to end his life to scare me or love bombs me or ignores me which is a trigger he knows
That sounds like a guy at work. Ever since I started riding my motorcycle at work, I heard from another coworker that he was criticizing my riding ability, even though the guy doesn't even ride motorcycles. I dont pretend to be some professional motorcycle rider. In fact, I know there is plenty of people that ride better than me. I also know my limits of my skill, and what I feel comfortable doing and what I don't. I put in the effort to learn to ride as well as I do now. It did irritate me at first, but now, I realize it was just jealousy coming from his narcissism. I think the guy got a little butt hurt too that completely ignored him about him knowing how to ride.
Hot tip, when you come across the covert types they will warn you themselves that things will not end well with them without realising they're telling on themselves. When they openly tell you that EVERY romantic partner they've dated 'just left', 'abondanded', 'ran away and ghosted' or one day just kicked them to the kerb for 'no apparent reason' that's your cue to exit slowly and quietly. If different people from different walks of life flee from this person, you will end up finding out why the hard way like the last ones did.
No not always the case. I've talked to my therapist about this. Some people are just unlucky and haven't found the right person...sincerely someone who has been rejected by 13 people in 2 years including by someone who lovebombed me and discarded me within a week and another person who stuck a loaded gun to my head and stole my money. You can't just assume that that person is the problem. So are you going to just blame every single lonely and alone person out there who doesn't have it easy making friends (because I in particular have gotten reassurance from therapists that I'm not a narcissist I have autism...)
My covert N is everybody’s favorite at a party (if he does go) kind, talkative, and charming but he’s a whole different person at home. Nobody would ever believe me
I relate. My mom is so wonderful to everyone else. Sweet. Harmless. Dealt a tough hand. But the reality that no one else knows is she’s a terrible, terrible person. So me going no-contact makes me a selfish, awful daughter to all those who don’t know what I know.
Mine too. Thats the only part of this Covert N profile that doesn't fit... which has me doubting myself that he really is.... but he is. The whole world is conspiring against him, He never got given a chance, hes smarter than everyone and cant be bothered to work a regular job like a pleb, deeply jealous of my sucess, never takes responsibility for his choices, its always someone elses fault etc etc. Its almost as if he can put on the mask of the grandiose N from time to time, or can almost go back and forth depending on how his life is going. But can be VERY charming and outgoing also.
Jade Sam Alley Zain I can’t even count the number of times my mom has said psychologists, doctors, or anyone more knowledgeable than her don’t know what they’re talking about. If she is ever called out on her “correct” ways of parenting and we try to say things have changed in the last 30 years, oh no, she’s not having it. Because she is the one who knows all. And if something has been proven to no longer be affective, then in her sick mind, that is like saying she did it “wrong.” And we all know how narcissistic people LOVE being wrong.
My parents had a medical reference book. Every time I would talk to them about health issues (diagnosed and treated by a doctor!!) they would look it up and then announce whether or not they agreed with the diagnosis and/or treatment. They would jump on any opportunity to contradict or counterpoint anything about the situation.
This video made me cry. I didn't even realize the own signs in myself and didn't even realize the path of destruction I created in my life and all the people ive taken for granted and used because of my own insecurities and shortcomings. I never wanted to be like this. I want to heal so badly from my trauma and I deeply thank you for giving me the wakeup call and awareness I needed to hear
This was extremely eye opening for me as well..I destroyed my marriage with these very behaviors...now how do i heal from this and change to be better??
I'm in the same place. I'm trying to heal so I can be a better person and actually enjoy life. I have hurt people and am only lucky a few stayed around after the way I've treated them. Every article and video feels so negative though and I'm also confused on how to get help. I'm not a victim anymore, so how do I heal and get out of this pattern? I hope you heal too
Dont worry guys narsasstic dude here to help you. Personally I started to just laugh at myself when my narcissism wants to show. When ever i start thinking I'm the greatest of all time i just laugh and make fun of myself for thinking like that. With other people though ita hard to get them back. If you love something let it go. However if you really are diffrent people will notice the change and the new people in your life are the key to helping the old people from your life realizing their finally has been change. If they never want to come back they won't. Don't worry about it, just apologize for real and move on.
@@reginaldmurphy5052 just start acutally chnaging your behavior. Like for me i realized that ladies are people and how dudes treat them is kinda bad. However i for some reason thought i could engange in the same behavior but in a non toxic way. There is no way to be untoxicaly toxic. So I decided Im not even going to try to go after any women. No matter how pretty i think she is. Im just gonna for a lady to say " I pick you " and im just gonna watch out for the green and red flags.
A covert narcissist can create such a toxic environment and then blame the toxicity on everybody else. Make everybody else miserable (critical, complaining, angry, contemptuous) and then play the victim. Mistreat everybody in their path and then claim to be the victim.
totally agree, this is my sister through and through. Many years of calling both my parents evil, blaming them for her life issues, not getting her way, wrecking and abusing me at family events, putting me in danger with comments relating to my personal life in public places like weddings, creating a trail of destruction with substance misuse, blaming me for being 'perfect' and gaslighting me and my partner for years. I ended this relationship 2 months ago after 48 years and never felt better. I have health issues as result which are now starting to improve. I am no longer feeling guilty for not helping her. There can be life after ending such toxic relationships especially with a sibling.
It's baffling to watch them act like the smartest person in the room as I sit thinking this is stupidest person I've ever met. Can he really be this dumb. He's a GM and so you'd expect he could comprehend but they can't. What I have to say just plain doesn't matter to him so he just doesnt hear me .
10 years, married. 10 years miserable. 7 years, asleep. 7 years almost gave up. 3 years, awake. 3 years healing. 3 years growing. 3 years LESS miserable. 3 years becoming ME!!! But before 3 MORE years... Gone. ✌️
Good for you, mine was so similar! It takes so long to undo all the damage they cause but it's worth it, we're worth it! It's all such a mind f***, they're truly evil to do this to good people. Stay strong, we're all more resilient than we thought we were! 💗
My mother is a covert narcissist. She was a teacher for 40 years and on the outside, functioned like Mother Theresa. But to me, she would NEVER EVER accept responsibility for her behaviors and toxicity. She inserted herself into my finances as well as other people's lives and liked to tell them how to live their lives. Mainly, she NEVER accepts her part in an argument or disagreement. It is NEVER her. Thank you for a great video. Very enlightening.
Same. My mom is a covert narc and weaponizes all personal information. LOVES sticking her nose in everybody's finances. Will lie and gossip about people's finances. They are SO weird about money. Transactional relationships. Has always used men for money. Plays the victim yet is a bully. Projects her own flaws and insecurities onto other people. Gaslights. Manipulates. Poor self-awareness. No ability to reflect on how her toxic behavior affects other people. If anyone reacts negatively to her their reaction is weaponized against them. Thrives off drama and gossip. Disparages people behind their backs. She's sick.
@tenningale I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. My mom didn't use men for money. But she controlled the money when she and my dad were married. Over my life she's used money as a heavy heavy hand. And I recently inherited my dad's money as his only living child. And I feel the seething on the underside. She ignores me now, interrupts me at the drop of a hat, and points out the most minor of things. Yet if you do the exact same thing to her, you're a horrible person. She recently told me I'm a very hard person to live with. It sent me into confusion because if my own mother thinks that, am I hard to live with for other people? It's the confusion the narcissist sends you into that makes them tick. Oh did I mention SHE IS NEVER,EVER WRONG? EVER. I hope you heal.
My mother was a beloved preschool teacher for 25 years. Everyone thought she was just wonderful. If they knew how she treated her own children they wouldn’t have let her in the door let alone work there.
I caught my covert mom kick a tub full of my homemade jewelry on my nest camera. She backed up and kicked it, then kicked again really hard. It’s crazy what these people are capable of when they think nobody is looking. When I walked out my door,( before the kick… ) she called me a bitch.
Teaching is a magnet for narcs. They love being the smartest person in the room with all the power. My mom was the same as yours. I know a lot of people with narc teachers for Moms. Not only would she treat me and my sister badly, she would brag about mistreating kids. My mom would tell me about putting some child in his place or yelling at her disabled students and be so proud of herself. I was horrified that she behaved this way to children.
Narcissistic teachers relish having the attention of little ones. They cant accept that its not the same with adults. And that they have to treat their own offspring with love and respect. After retirement they still can’t have a normal conversation. Their tone is always that of a bitter lecturer. They are always talking about wishing their own children cared about them, but all they want are people to talk AT. I feel so bad for the many customer service agents they hold hostage for an hour. And they have to go along with the shtick and agree and praise.
Wow this resonates with our case of my grandmother who has been a teacher and treats one of her daughters atrociously, because we had to live with her, and praises the other. Now I’m trying to understand if she is just evil, possessed, a narcissist or what type of an abuser.
Yes. I can feel it build. Even if theres no physical manifestations of the tension. I can literally feel it and then I start going into fight or flight.
Yes.... this is exactly how it feels... before you are aware... it’s like being caught in a spider web and not understanding why you feel metaphorically trapped and after you gain enough clarity to have enough understanding to identify that you have been manipulated & deceived... the spider become the snake 🐍
My wife is constantly seeking out validation and empathy and even considers herself an empath, but whenever I open up to her she’s dismissive, and minimizes my feelings. Last night I even explicitly asked for some empathy about how difficult our relationship has become and she could not do it. She went out of her way to avoid doing it, usually a long pause followed by going back to talking about herself. The low self esteem, terribleness at social gatherings, passive aggression, victim mentality, and arrogance when with regards to her profession and child rearing, it all makes perfect sense.
The arrogance in his profession is what really opened my eyes to him being a covert. I've dated narcissists before but this one sure snuck up on me. Everything else can be justified or written off that I'm just overthinking things or whatever, but the arrogance and how he speaks about others was so off putting and very obvious that it's not normal to think that way about others/himself.
That's just like my mom with my dad. I watched her emotionally and physically abuse my dad for 30 years until he was so beaten down, he thought that was how all marriages were. More and more, he isolated away from her in his office every night to keep from spurring her wrath. And he's extroverted so he's not an "alone guy." I'm so happy for him since they divorced. He finally has someone with love and empathy to give. My mom convinced herself my dad was having an affair and initiated the divorce. Welp, she got what she wanted. She's alone, miserable, and when I gather up the courage to talk to her, she only cares to complain or criticize. Her explosive unpredictable anger gives me severe panic attacks, so I avoid her at all costs for my own mental health. You deserve better. ❤
The impulse to “fix” and be a person’s “savior” is that moth , to that flame. I wasn’t even initially ever attracted to the person but the empath in me, wanted to help him ( I pitied him) gave him a chance..smh I’m so glad I’ve gained so much knowledge from you and other sources it’s mentally helped me pick up the pieces from my past & I feel better every month that goes by -no contact.
Congratulations yess that’s amazing to hear! I 💯 agree!! When my ex covert narc and I first started seeing each other we watched a bee fly around the house and then crawl up onto a lit candle, purposefully put itself into hot wax until it was on top the flame. I was so mind blown I must have stared at it for an hour: I had never seen that before...and he was belittling me the whole time for not helping the bee. But I guarantee from where I am now that it was a message of what I was doing to myself if I were to stay with him.... And the memory came back to me just this week thinking of the same analogy you used here... so I thought I would share. Stay blessed! Stay educated! Xo
I’ve learned not to date people I pity...say that’s too bad and run the other way lol. It’s weird to think that your base attraction to someone is because they’re below you. Which opens up a bunch of questions about how you think of yourself, why you need to pride yourself on saving others instead of just being. It revealed that I was indeed the one in need of saving, I was projecting my insecurity..
I wasn't initially attracted to my husband either. Not physically. But emotionally we hit it off really quick, and I was so empathetic to his Broken Heart from his cheating first ex-wife. And his children who needed me so deeply. But I was stuck in a six-year marriage to him until his jealousy for my Independence and success drove him to cheat, discard, and a provoked smear campaign. Luckily since he has no social skills, only his one best friend, 2 narcissistic sisters, and a handful of people at work, were involved in that smear campaign. I'm so grateful for what I learned... And I learned that I don't want to save anybody but myself and my birth child! I also learned that I deserve, and will have an equal partnership relationship in the future! No more blinders on this gal!
The most painful to me is when people make statements like "there's nothing like a mother's love" and claim anyone who doesn't respect their mother is simply a bad person.
That comes from a place of what a mothers love is supposed to be like. Sadly, many of us didn’t have it or we wouldn’t be watching these videos. But I am still thankful that there are good mothers out there who truly are selfless, giving and loving people. We deserved it but didn’t get it. Now it’s time to grow from it and never repeat her mistakes.
In South Asian culture mothers are considered another form of God so you can imagine the outrage if you so much as suggest that your own mother could be flawed... It's a suffocating experience to be raised by a narc mom.
My mom was a master at lowering my self esteem and keeping me guessing on what kind of mood I would get from her. Covert narcissists are great at making you think everyone is using you because you’re too generous and there’s no way they would want to be around you otherwise. Insults on your looks, placing the blame on you when you’re saying how they hurt you and making you think you’ve misheard what they’ve said.
I am so sorry for what you have been through 💔💔💔. I get YOU 🥰. I suffered EXACTLY the same at the hands of my 'covert' narcissistic mother, older sister and twin brother (older brother has narcissistic traits too). Now I know WHY I was so sad, anxious and depressed, so confused and so lacking in confidence living within my family from the earliest age. I also felt SO different to everyone else 💔💔💔. Now I know WHY. I WASN'T imagining it. I WAS different! Thoughts, Prayers and A Big Bear Hug. You are Loved! 🙏💕🙏💕.
omg that is dead on my narc started giving me many compliments, then love bombed me then talked about my tummy and gives the silent treatment when i don't do what he says on demand
I went through the same horrible experience. My mother spent all my childhood and young adulthood living vicariously through me. Fortunately, I loved studying, in fact she only wanted me to study because that was what she wasn't allowed to do in her youth (that's not my fault). But on the other hand, she was totally clueless and inept regarding emotions so I could never talk about what and how I felt about anything, neither to her nor to my father, whose role was just as a money provider to raise me and nothing else. My mother never allowed me any privacy and always blamed me for not having friends. I guess my Asperger was caused by her narcissism. I am 46 now and I just want to keep her emotionally as far as possible from me. I will never again try to argue with her about anything. It only drains my energy. She's toxic and it's exhausting. But now I know.
@@elsaaforges Same. Another covert narc trait is they view kids as extensions of themselves and live vicariously through them. I had to put on a facade that I was becoming a doctor (her childhood goal she didn’t achieve) just to appease her narcissism and avoid her anger. I quietly pursued my own goals, which she made snide comments about. Both treats me as the golden child when it makes her look good, yet trashes and lies about me to other people to feed her narcissistic supply.
Empath: "YES, I finally got my _dream_ job. I'm SO excited." Overt Narcissist: "And? You're acting like the CEO. Relax. It's _just_ a job!" Covert Narcissist: "Oh wow, nice. But why did you take _that_ job?"
I don't know why these videos are so different from your recent material, but I can't watch these. It starts turning into narc doublespeak. Is there any way you could do this topic again from the new angle you're using now? I need something to clear the cognitive dissonance right now, not reinforce. You may be my only hope for this, too. You know that, I'm sure.
Counter Narcissist: "You know what they say, 'one man's trash is another man's treasure.' They also say that 'not all that glitters is gold'..." *Looks them directly in the eye when saying the second sentence.
I knew my mind was being fucked with but couldn’t put it into words. Watching these videos literally pulled the words out of my mouth. It’s so nice to hear I’m not alone and not crazy but it’s also hard realizing I’ve been played.
Don’t worry! When you meet the many narcissists in this world, you WON’T be fooled again. You are now prepared to protect yourself and space and mind. You have an advantage over these sick people.
❤ i think is the saddest part. I see his photos (I Keep only 2 just to make this test) and what I see is a snake, sorry for who loves snakes😅😉. The tears are for myself. For believing in him more than in my gut. I betrayed myself. This is the hard part for me now..forgive myself ❤ Keep going ....we'll be fine
It's taken me 19 years because I was sick with Chronic Lyme Disease. Now that I'm getting healthier I finally am able to put it together. I'm getting out but am waiting for my low income apartment. It's time for me at 64 years old!
Omg I'm just realizing I'm not crazy I'm really not my god my heart hurts so bad he's been making me feel so crazy he's been fucking with me I've begged and begged for it to stop almost taking my life bc I don't wanna live if I'm this crazy... My god he is the devil and Im trying to run.... Please send positive vibes...
“socially less skilled” narcissist doesn’t always mean they’re awkward or shy. It’s more meant to show that they aren’t able to regulate themselves and they are presumptuous and contemptuous.
They can not handle themselves in any kind of confrontational setting. Hell, even a typical every day conversation will ooze with a 'everyone is out to get me' attitude!!!
I think she is speaking about most of, based from her experiences and studies, she is also speaking about the covert narcissist and not necessarily all people with Narcissistic personality disorder
@@kittenmitten7360 my covert friend sincerely thinks the guy at Home Depot mixed her paint incorrectly on purpose. She does like to hang out with groups, but then criticizes everyone in them. But the only groups she’ll stick with are those with highly educated, well-travelled people. Nothing wrong with that on the surface. But she will not stick with groups of people she dee,s socially below her, even if that has nothing to do with the purpose of the group.
I always felt bad for her and honestly believed in the beginning “wow, this person has such a sad life” blindly thinking I could “save” them. Only to end up almost losing so much of myself to please and boost their low self esteem! It’s been a toxic cycle of gaslighting and manipulation that I’m the bad person, the depressing person, the friend who doesn’t “prioritize” them. Personally I believe they are the worst and most dangerous narcissist you can ever encounter in life🤷🏽♀️
Absolutely yes sweetheart 😘 you can save us. By the way, are you still available ❤️ I'm a covert and honestly y'all never find out unless if I have to tell you. Take care 💗
@@ccm791 i am similar to yourself. have escaped and have a degree in knowledge about these behaviours that no university could teach me, so it made me a more understanding person for anyone going through similar. ( that is what I remind myself of if I catch myself going over the what ifs)
Covert narcs can come across as sweet, timid, shy and humble, even. The arrogance is there, it's just harder to spot. Sometimes it's apparant in terms of what they value (e.g. they will value a "popular" friend, who will boost their social status, over a genuine kind-hearted friend. They will seek out a "hot" partner, who will look good on their arm, rather than a partner who has good character etc) Any person who cannot be used to boost their ego, is easily disposable in their eyes. And they literally have NO remorse or guilt when they dispose others. It doesn't matter how "close" you were to them, they will cut you off heartlessly once they have no use for you. Be very, very careful around these people. Their timid nature will make you put your guard down without you even realising. Classic wolf in sheep's clothing
Passive aggressive people. Very dangerous. They're usually set in their ways and lack personality. They're most likely to borrow money and ask for lots of favours...Then once they're done with you, contempt for you sets in.
Kalala Kapay i know someone with the traits that she mentioned in video, but he cares about others, and looks very empathetic, he is very good listener. There is a chance that he is just passive -aggressive person and not covert narcissist?
bay leaf my god you are so right!! My younger sister is a covert narc. She also has classic middle child syndrome. But she seeks out friends and boyfriends exactly how you described. It’s interesting, most of my adult life I didn’t know she is a narc. But I was constantly confused by what was wrong with her so to speak. I care for her deeply and I’d say we do try to have a decent relationship because we’ve been through a lot coming from an abusive childhood...but man I gotta be honest. If we weren’t sisters, we’d NEVER be friends. I appreciate you sharing 💕
OMG SAME. LEGIT IM STARTING TO BELIEVE IM PARANOID. SO SO WEIRD.. I REALISED, SILENTLY, THAT ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DATING A BUNCH OF NARCS and I can see it. One of them is three years in. She's been discarded and "hoovered" many time the last three years. Shes recently had an argument with him. New, having it experienced myself and healing from it, I told her nicely and firmly all I think the problem is. She told him I'm looking too much into things and was DEFENDING HIS, CLEARLY , MANIPULATIVE THINGS SHE HAD DINET TO HER. SHES AT THE STAGE WHERE SHES EMPTY WITHOUT HIM. SHE NEEDS SERIOUS HELP, BUT I LIVE IN UK AND SHES IN ITALY...so so fucked up.
As an empath I’m crying. This has been the last 3 years of my life. I had no idea this was a thing. He did tell me all of these sad stories about him very early on in our relationship. I was so happy because I felt I was put into his life to help him and show him true love. I recently broke things off with him. I struggled with it for months. I finally was able to see him for who he truly was, and I was simply added to the long list of people who has abandoned him. It really struck a cord with me when you said “at least he’s not cheating” that was the only thing he wasn’t doing. Not good enough. These people are very subtly evil. If you blink too fast, you’ll miss it. Thank you so much for these videos!
I was there now 2 years and Dr. Ramani. I am a NARC DEFLECTOR and I call them out on the first date. No more hurt or toxic relationship for me. I choose my peace ☮️ then be with any narcissist again
@@Pinkpilatesprincesss aww, don’t feel empathy. The things that I have learned about myself as a result of this relationship has changed me for the better. Things I struggled with like boundaries, people pleasing, and having too much empathy for others to my detriment, in every aspect of my life. I no longer struggle with anymore as a result of this relationship. I understand that people are where they are and they have the power to change that, not me. I have power to fix, help, and save myself. I don’t think this relationship happened to me, I feel it happened for me. This was a transformative for me. Sometimes I forget that, and I get angry, but the person I was before I met him, I can never be her again. I’m sorry she went through that, but she needed it.
My therapist asked me: isn't it exhausting to deal with someone who is always offended and defensive about everything you say? That helped me to snap out of it. Plus when she pointed out that he was always blaming me for everything to play the victim. Once you see it you can't unsee it. I was someone who believes in self improvement so I was wondering where he might have been right not where he might have been wrong in his accusations. But it gets silly when he in the same conversation blames me for everything and then accusing me for always blaming him just because I wanted him to change specific (verbally abusive) comminucation patterns so we could resolve issues. It opened my eyes that he is not capable of that.
I was always the bad guy, then somehow in the discard he makes it like I always made him the bad guy. I got whiplash trying to wrap my head around that one.
Once you see something you can't unseen it. Very wise words. Came too the same conclusion. Once you know something you can't unknow it. Hope you are well on the road to recovery. Good luck
@@evelynhoward8325 It is good to be awake! Understanding how covert abuse plays out is key to preventing it from happening to you. The abuser wants to trap you in an abuse cycle and keep you confused and second guessing everything. That is how "you" stay stuck and that is also how you provide their narcissistic supply. Do not let this happen! Stay vigilant! Have boundaries and self-worth because that keeps toxic people out!
Exact same story for me! So many confusing blamegames. I was eager for my own self improvement, he avoids doing his own (unless it's a show for instagram). Signing my divorce paperwork tomorrow!
“The type to sit at home, sullen and depressed and mock those who take chances, but never take chances themselves” my god, you hit the nail on the head. My past two ex-boyfriends. They tried to destroy me. NEVER AGAIN.
I was raised by a grandiose narcissist and a covert narcissist. They messed me up. I married and moved to another country. Took me a lot years to start healing. I also recognized many narcissistic traits in myself. It took a lot of work on being a better person. It's very painful to know that sometimes I act like them.Everything Dr. Ramani said is spot on.
Hello love, thank you for sharing a part of your story and Im so glad and proud of you for healing and being able to get to a better place. I had a question for you, was there anything in particular that made you self reflect and find out you had these qualities as well?
@@fallyhally1234 @X O Thank you for your kind words. I can share something very specific: my parents, especially my father, believed that we,as a family,are "different" and "special". We were raised and thought that we are better then the rest, but at the same time they would always criticize or berate us. Throughout my life there were instances where I would feel like the world owes me something, that I am entitled to success, respect, love, acceptance and at the same time I was feeling worthless and insecure, because it was expected from me to be "perfect", but because I was not, my father would be disappointed in me. Instead of teaching me to work hard for success, to be kind to people,he thought us that the world owes us everything. It's hard to explain. At times I could be very arrogant or very intimidated by other people's beauty or success. I don't believe I am a narcissist, I believe that I was thought to behave that way, because that's all I knew. Over the years I have learned that I am not "special" and that I need to work hard in order to gain success and respect. I have been consciously trying not to act or think like my parents. Next step is forgiving them. That's the hardest part.
Same here. I'm still living with my grandiose narc father and covert narc mother. It gets harder n harder. With my father it's clear I can't handle him so stay stealth with him. But my mother im keep on falling for her covert depression. I sympathize her and try to help her and then she throws me down and hurts me like hell. The most scary thing is this behaviour is fine if that's a parent. They're just doing for our benefit. Im tired and burnt out.
I feel like most narcissists are this type. They are professional victims. Can't rise above, jealous of people who succeed, dismiss your achievements. The truth is some of us work harder and take risks instead of partying or watching tv. Miserable and drag others down. Everything is unfair and the odds are always stacked against them because of this, that, and the other thing.
I was in a relationship with someone like that for almost 2 years... I wanted to "save" him. I saw so much potential in him since the beginning, and I never lost hope that my love could heal him and make him better. But it didn't. Things just kept getting worse. I'm so glad that I found the strength to leave him. These videos were really helpful and still are, they remind me that I've made the right choice.
How did you leave him ??? I’m a guy also dating one and just found out a year and a half later ....he wants to go fuck other people I guess ... like I’m not doing that ... apart of me wants to just block everything or I dk if I should do it person for dumping
20 years of being married to a covert has made me feel miserable and guilty for being a regular, happy person that I was. I am exhausted with what I have slowly turned into. I want to go home, to being who I always was.
It's horrible having a covert narcissist for a mother. I was always trying to help her, becoming her 'psychiatrist' as a child. Being around her is like drowning, it's made worse by the fact that her narcissism is so hard to detect.
My dad was a covert narcissist. Dr Ramani hit the nail on the head: my family of course knew there was something deeply wrong with him but we weren’t sure what exactly it was. We always thought he had anger management issues and alcohol dependence. But it was so much more than that. He was a painfully mediocre person and I think he couldn’t accept it so he judged the entire world harshly, assumed the worst about people including his own wife and kids, was so smug and thought his shit didn’t stink, and would fly off the handle at the slightest hint of criticism. We treated him like a king, but outside of us he was a loser with no social skills and no friends. He was an adult child and we had to manage his temper tantrums like a toddler. He sulked like a 5 year old when he didn’t get his way or if we said something he didn’t like. Where he got the idea that he should be admired and respected by the world without doing a single thing to earn it is beyond me. Oh and we can’t forget the two-faced persona: the friendly, smiling, funny, helpful face in public but as soon as the cameras turned off he would morph back into the sulky temperamental monster he really was. I can count on one hand how many times I saw him smile or laugh with us. A covert narcissist in a nutshell.
Sounds exactly like my ex husband unfortunately.. It took me years to figure it out. Thank God I got myself and my kids out of that house.. we are doing amazing now but I feel sorry for my kids who have a deadbeat narcissist for a ”father”.
This is my husband. These are non human entities with no real personality or identity. They have to punish the ones closest to them for their own misery.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us!!! My family and I just released our shackles with my deeply covertly narcissistic father, and now at 22 years of age I am able to move on in full faith and confidence, knowing exactly how I’d like our life to be and knowing what exactly I need to stay away from!!! I plan to guide others wisely on their unique own paths, during the process… I still love my father, but the world must understand what is really out there!!! Thank you once again, and I wish you great peace and eternal satisfaction with your current networks and all of your future circumstances!!!✨
They don’t start out acting this way. In fact they are an entirely different person in the beginning. Yes, you will learn about their past and be saddened and horrified by what happened to them, but as you become closer they begin to store info on your life and eventually use it against you. Even years after you’ve left you can still feel badly for them.
In the beginning they are love bombing you, after they know they haved hooked you then the true person shows up and you are left wondering where the other person went.
Relatable. You still feel bad for them it's an incredibly tough task to leave one. Knowing they had a bad history. You feel like staying and helping and but it's too bloody much. It sucks the life out of you.
Mine was a hybrid. He was often petulant, angry and combative but he loved socializing. He could turn on the charm for others but would become argumentative on a dime especially with me.
Mine loved socializing as well. Always trying to steal the show at a party. If someone upstaged him - then he would criticize them to me for sympathy. Anytime we were around others he would overtalk me while slightly turning his back on me while speaking louder and louder... to drown me out, I guess.
I’ve been raised by narcissistic parents and listening to this vid made me realize I have some traits of covert narcissism - I was a golden child and scapegoat at the same time.
I'm really sorry, but you can build and have very healthy relationships! especially because you recognize the traits in yourself. don't let the pain they caused you spiral into all your other relationships, hon you will only end up more hurt, and worse, hurt people you care about. wishing you all the best luck and praying for you!
I also had traits of covert narcs. But i was the neglected child. My mom were covert narc herself. And now i have a grandiose narc wife. Actually a blessing, we dont have to wandering around destroying peoples. Just two of us, trying to manipulate each other. Now i just to make sure our two children wont become narc themselves.
I feel like no matter what you do you’ll get labeled a narcissist. Everyone is a narcissist to a degree. Protecting yourself isn’t narcissism, but if you impede on everyone else it is.
I also realised I inherited covert narc behaviours from my covert narc mum but finally gaining awareness is helping me deal with this and erradicating them. Admitting my erroneous attitudes and mindsets has been helping me build a healthier thought pattern and behaviours.
I have a female friend who comes off like this. She's not obvious with her traits, but she comes off like she's empathic, and she's not. She's extremely passive-aggressive and goes out of her way to disrespect people who are more educated or successful on certain subjects than she is. She is extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism and will not co-operate even if its for the betterment of a group because she doesn't like "being told what to do".
All I know is if you get an off feeling when you’re around them and you leave the situation feeling put down and kind of icky, it’s hard to explain, then they’re not people you want to be around, I’ve tried so hard to come around to my extended family and it just never happens, im over it
@katelynkivela6529 I did get that feeling, so I simply distanced myself. She calls me a lot but I really don't answer. I know if I try to explain what she does that bothers me, she'll just deny a gaslight, so I just ignore.
Empath here. By the end of day ONE I knew all about his childhood pain, how he was abandoned by family and left homeless for years. I thought he just needed somebody to be there for him for once in his life. I learned It was never enough. Money, attention, sex, love , support. Never enough and the world was STILL out to get him. Managing his pain felt like I took on a 2nd job. I went from running on passion to running on patience. And then I was out of patience.
@@lucasessman1910 Same. Being an empath to a covert narcissist, I can't put on words but it was exhausting. He even told me that he was so depressed that's why he needed to talk to other girls then he cheated with this new girl.
Am I the only one who has had about 90% narcissists and abusers in their life? I mostly cleared them out, but wow!!! Amazing how they smell a victim from a mile away. I also, keep meeting new ones and gravitate naturally to them. However now I notice it fast and move on. What a journey when u grow up in an abusive family. I am very happy in my own company!!! 🌹🎄 one day I will partner in a healthy free relationship.
No me too. Literally both parents my aunt who i live with now and past relationships. It’s so tough because when it’s all your around it literally makes it so hard to not feel like the problem is you
Late 30s and finally made the connection that I had a narcissistic mom who thankfully died when I was young so no more damage from her. Though because of her every long term relationship had the same type of energy in women. So it’s never too late to make the connection and make change.
NOW I realize! I was ALWAYS EXHAUSTED in her presence. She literally sucked the actual life out of me. Also, she was HYPERSENSITIVE to the slightest of criticism or any kind of comment that may have been contrary to anything she may have said or done.
8 years in a relationship with a covert.......always tired, exhausted, fat, low on self esteem, feeling inadequate, and just feeling plain stupid as well. Saved by a combination of luck, strength of will, family and this lady,Dr.Ramani. bless her soul! Kills me to think there are people who want to destroy you and your personality for no reason...just for their supply. Hope DrRamani's videos keep reaching people who need them!
@Miss Gönen - that's tough to hear. Hope u can find a way to make him/her watch one of Dr.ramani's videos randomly,it may spark some self preservation.
@@jeannie3236 @@jeannie3236 - you know whatever anyone says, the damage is a lot. But only thing I can say is to celebrate the time out from the hell it must have been. And breathe the air of freedom and normalcy. The hurt never really goes, but boy, life does look up. Sending you all positivity 👍
I am not sure they do it on purpose, they just lack the mechanisms to not do it. A lot of it is automatic. They would have to unlearn/undo and rebuild all core beliefs, everything about themselves to be closer to healthy. Its too hard.
A covert narcissist may respond in a variety of ways when discovered, depending on the particular circumstance and the person. When their behavior is criticized, a covert narcissist may occasionally become aggressive or defensive and reject or abdicate responsibility for their actions. They might try to gaslight the person who exposed them by getting them to doubt their own sense of truth or perspective. Narcissists frequently employ this strategy to keep control of the relationship. In other situations, a covert narcissist could act more violently or aggressively in an effort to retake control or establish dominance. They could try to control or intimidate the person who has exposed them, or they might lash out with abusive language or actions. A covert narcissist may also retreat or isolate themselves if their actual nature is discovered. They might make an effort to separate themselves from the person who exposed them or try to avoid any sort of conflict. Being masters of manipulation, narcissistic people frequently possess a special ability for charm, which allows them to get away with manipulating others. They might be able to beguile people into believing they are not actually narcissists and convince them that they are to blame. The process of exposing a covert narcissist may be extremely taxing and even dangerous, so it’s vital to keep that in mind. It’s crucial to exercise prudence and have a solid support network in place, including friends, family, and a therapist. You can process your experience and develop a strategy for dealing with the circumstance in a secure and healthy manner with the aid of a therapist or counselor. Additionally I hired a private detective Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
YES, my ex-wife had this righteous attitude whenever I questioned her about her whereabouts and seemed jealous of her. After the divorce (she left), I found phone records of unknown men she constantly talked to for the last 11years out of the 15 years we were together. The last affair was “what she called a online affair” when she got into BDSM reading. How foolish was I.
My husband’s favorite quote is from the Marx Brothers: “I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member.” After 40 years it has dawned on me that he doesn’t want to be married to anyone who would have him as a husband.
@@tmo.48 I had the same thought. My narc acted like she couldn't be worth much. Low self esteem,hope it wasn't for being with me. One of us has a serious problem, becomes both. How did I get here?
Greg Henderson -I don’t believe that it was because she was with you. Some people just have low self esteem and they usually are narcissistic in the fact that they are mesmerized by your self confidence and try and play with it whether subconsciously or not. Their brains are definitely wired differently
@@tmo.48 Thanks. 15 years and I just found out why all the conflict and discarding and other insanity. I'd been watching these vids for about six or eight months. There was quite a lot that explained my situation, but a lot didn't jibe. I had to be sure about a thing of this magnitude. Then along came a video about the covert. No more blanks. How did I not see this sooner. The waste is monumental.
I was friends with a covert narcissist, when asked for empathy it really was like trying to bleed blood from a stone. And she loved to judge other people behind their backs; she would act sweet and shy to their faces but then turn to me snickering. The only time I saw glee in her was when she would make fun of someone's music tastes because only the music she liked was worth listening too. Someone's fashion choices because of course her choices were masterfully better. And don't even get me started on lunch time, "Oh, that's what you are going to eat?" Then when it came time to pay up, "Say let's go 50/50-" even though what she chose was more expensive and she got the soda and I would drink water. And when I had the gall to bring it up she would say, "Gee, sorry I know how bad you are with math." And I put up with it for a really long time. I would stop communicating with her and then she would somehow lure me back in. But, since her last judgemental lecture I have not spoken to her for about five years. I finally said that I think she is miserable and lonely and that I felt sorry for her and she never replied back afterwards. It was messed up. Keep your garden weed free; she was definitely a weed disguised as a flower.
Hang in there. Many things we think of as "weeds" were just plants planted in the wrong places. As long as she is far away from your life you shouldn't worry about such things. Five years is a long time to be stewing about something if you weren't at fault.
OMG! I just realised... I used to be friends with someone.. who... well, she's a good person actually.. she would make sure to pay me properly for everything. She didn't take advantage of people in terms of money but... she would judge people.. Like.. I had sat down many times with her and explained that the world doesn't have a grudge against her and she just needs to take a chill pill and have more confidence? But she would repeat it again and again. She'll make faces when others give feedback. She'd blame people for not listening to her ideas cause they hate her when in reality, she happened to pitch a few bad ideas. It never ended. It was a cycle. And always the self-pity trope.. I just stopped being friends with her. I gave up and stopped feeling guilty about not being there for her anymore.
Married to one nearly 24 yrs; he has a wonderful gift of sucking the life out of me. NC is the best solution. Thank you Dr.Ramani for your info. It's priceless.
My mom is definitely a different kind of narcissist but I definitely learned covert narcissism from her. I decided NOT to let that define me and spent a long time training myself out of it and I'm so much happier for it. There's always hope.
@@CeCe-os3ul but what if she actually is a narcissist and now thinks she's not because she "self reflected"? Remember, narcissists are good at convincing themselves that nothing is wrong with them. An actual narcissist would read your comment, " self reflect", and convince themselves they aren't a narcissist because they self reflected.
Cover narcissist is the most charming of all at the bigini...incredible love bombing and incredible desire to agree with you in everything.... spend some more time with them and you will see the little monster in them..
But the funny thing is no matter how hard they try, they don’t make me feel connected, like a wall sitting between them and me. Even in my head I will think it’s nice of them, but in my heart even I try to do it out of guilt, I can’t connect with them, it was bothering me, but later when their mask falls, I realize why.
I was learning from other videos that covert narcissists were very charming and sweet. While manipulating and underhanded. The social skills being very good as they charm people to think they are sweet and good people.
My narc is covert; Never satisfied and complains about everything. The relationship felt like watching life get sucked right out of me, slowly but steadily. I'm glad I got out. Fresh air at last. The hoovering and smearing is boundless, but who cares? Life has never been better for me!
Oh, I felt the same! I convinced myself to break up with him by sending myself messages to remember how I am looking forward to freedom because it is such a messed up process where you can easily forget what you want and succumb to what the other wants.
Ahhh yes, the smearing! I finally got up the strength to leave him after 20 years of abuse. He threatened to 'go nuclear' if I told anyone the truth of all his perversions and lies. So now he plays the victim to everyone, has completely twisted the truth and lied about everything that really happened. Even had a 'mental break'. I'm the 'bad one' but whatever, I'm free and healing more and more everyday. Love and strength to all survivors! 💓
Seeing this video both scares me and helps me to realize just how far I've come in healing my own covert narcissism. I'm so glad I got a hold of myself and worked through this stuff because I was on a very bad path.
@@manueladimova2459 This is the most thoughtful and insightful response I've received, and I greatly appreciate it! I wish you well too in your walk of life! :)
@@anonymousbee Absolutely! Your self-awareness is the first, but arguably the most important, step. And I want to recognize the courage it takes to do that, because we have so much shame surrounding our authenticity. So I want you to know I'm proud of you, because this isn't easy, and even recognizing it in yourself is the beginning of your journey to healing. So I'll start backwards. No, I didn't seek therapy for three reasons: 1) I find that therapists struggle with personality disorders and often deem them untreatable (and for good reason), 2) I didn't want someone putting thoughts in my head or words in my mouth, and 3) I wasn't allowed to seek any therapy that wasn't based in a Baptist church. I was still living at home, where my narcissistic, paranoid mother was constantly up my ass about whatever stupid thing about me she was paranoid about, and I would've been grilled about where I'd been. My dad tried to intervene where he could, but he was only one person. I didn't want to deal with all of that, so I did this on my own. Where I started (which will likely be different for you, but hopefully with enough overlap to be relevant) was identifying that I didn't want to turn out like my mother, and this fueled me to undo every toxic behavior I displayed. If I noticed an action that was wrong, I would stop myself and ask myself why I did it. I developed the skill of introspection, and I began tracing the behaviors to emotions, and from emotions to trauma. I exhibited a tremendous amount of anger towards myself, so that exercise in itself was one of the most helpful that I put myself through. What ultimately allowed me to heal was moving out and about 3 hours north so I could really start developing my own sense of self (narcissistic parents rob you of that). But even before that, I began really identifying which parts of me were me, and which parts weren't. It started as simply as my favorite colors and animals, and working up to my interests, my sexual orientation, my long-term goals, and my vocational aspirations. The bigger stuff really only came after I moved away because I didn't have my mom's influence over me all the time. Presently, I allow myself to feel and don't shame myself for it the way my mom used to. When I first started allowing my emotions, it was like I couldn't turn them off, so I would make sure to be at home when I did any emotional work. This stabilized over time. I recognize emotions as gifts from God and part of being made in his image. I undid a world of trauma surrounding emotions, and this was easily the biggest part of healing. My empathy pathway resolved itself through this process. I know this is a lot, and I apologize for the length of this response. I want to make sure you have tangible things to work with, so I'll call it here, but if you have any more questions, feel free to ask! I hope this helps! :)
I made it out; you can, too. 38 years of my life! Having seen his dark side and how he could just chew people into shreds (ie; a rabid pit bull with a bunny in his mouth). I was so afraid of having that rage directed at me! So, I made a plan and hours after he caught a flight, I was on another one, headed the opposite direction. Make sure you have a great attorney!
Inner Work by R. A. Johnson has some great rituals for healing in it, it is a book, it has helped me, I recommend taking a look at it. Thanks for posting. Peace
Misty Lynn, I knew one who thought she was very clever, but every attempt to dupe others led her to shoot herself in the foot! It was almost humorous to watch it happen. It was a workplace experience. 🤪
Same...6y ago. After many years of not praying, i came to God exhausted, didnt know what to do...but then he called me (lg distant at that time), we chatted normally and i said smthg harmless of no consequence, but he was massively irritated and broke up w me. 3 weeks later he wanted to ger back but i said no. Thank GOD🥶🙏🏽🙏🏽
Good for you, mine just did the same and everyone is telling me how sorry they are for this having ended. I just grin and tell them it's a really good thing. I'm free and so much more aware of myself and dangerous types of people to be around. Hurts but I'm improving daily.
My mother is such a pity-party victimizer. And when I was growing up we argued about everything, and I was always blamed. She often gaslighted me by saying that she wanted to give me self-esteem but on the other hand was always criticizing me and putting me down. As for passive-agressiveness? My mother is a queen. She also expected me, a child, to take care of her emotionally. I always thought it was me, but now I’m realizing it was her, a covert narcissist.
Same here, she had me wearing, thinking feeling doing what she wanted. She doesn't value who I am rather whom she wants me to be. She wanted an enmeshed mini me
This is the first time I have ever left a comment on a RUclips video in my life but, Dr.Ramani, I hope that you realise how important your videos are to people like myself. I was in a relationship with exactly the person that you describe - it brought me to tears to have you explain the manipulation, gaslighting, and hypocritical victimisation so succinctly. For a long time during my relationship, I blamed myself and the guilt ate at me so that I stayed with the covert narcissist for much too long - I wanted to be the one person that did not let him down. Now I realise that is impossible and that I was just another temporary source of validation. You are truly an inspiration and I deeply appreciate what you do.
@@cathyvincent637 Hi Cathy! Very sweet of you to ask. It’s now been 4 years since we broke up and it took quite a while to regain my sense of self. I think it was about 2 years later that I fully felt that I had accepted that I was not to blame, and that I am a worthy person! I think the hardest part was regaining trust in my own ability to choose partners, and being hyper aware of “red flags” or anything that reminded me of him when meeting potential partners. The last part I’m still working on but I’m so glad to say that I’m doing so much better than I thought I ever would when I was dating him! Trust in the process - you will heal! 💕
Your frequent adjective "DISMISSIVE" is a real eye opener for me. My 4-year relationship recently ended and I often complained to him that I felt dismissed ...& that he was often dismissive in many ways/situations. Made me feel that I wasn't seen, heard or worthy of his acknowledgement. thankful for your wisdom that you share!
@@Lingatsu since i originally commented, I have learned a bit more. There is one presentation of borderline personality disorder that has a lot of correlation with narcissistic traits. Otherwise most expressions of BPD are self directed. There will still be *some* emotional manipulation, and they can still be very triggering to someone like me with a hisyory of veing abused by someone with BPD
My mother is like this, it has been a nightmare, I’m the scapegoat, sometimes I feel like I hate Her, and I’m really just sad I’m never ever going to really meet her.
Melina Ruiz (sigh)😞.... wow, your comment immediately brought tears to my eyes. I am and I think every single word here.... it’s absolutely devastating
Dana Alexander I’m nice to her but honestly I don’t love her, I’m just grateful she gave me life but, she never loved me, and has only criticized everything I’ve ever done, she’s really done a lot of damage, I don’t love her, I can’t, she’s too abusive.
For me, the covert narcissist comes across as a people pleaser. They like to be in the spotlight to get the validation that they crave for, as other narcissists but at the same time, they pretend to be humble, simple, generous, over giving. The covert narcissist will take time to build a relationship/friendship with you. During this period, they will show their admiration and their devotion by helping you with everything that is you need. They will try to convince you that you are soulmates and that they understand you deeply. At the same time, you will see them being overly altruistic, maybe helping society by engaging in charities, activism. They feed the poor, take care of the homeless. All this makes you think how lucky you are for having met such a beautiful soul. You want to be by their side for ever. However, soon you notice how much they enjoy being invited in galas to talk about their achievements. But they don’t admit that. They still play the humble guy who doesn’t want all this. Who is beyond money, beyond fame and recognition, who wants to share the floor with other people. But their acts don’t match their words. You come to realise that this selfless soul is actually doing whatever it takes to be in the centre of attention. When you do something together be it at work or at home, they want to control everything about it. They just exerce their control in a more polite and implicit way, making you believe that your voice was heard whereas in reality you did what they wanted you to do. Covert narcissists have a smooth way of leading you on. They don’t shout, they don’t give orders. They are master actors. They convince you that you are together in this. What makes them a narcissist is that when the time comes for them to use you in order to draw certain benefits, they will do it without a second thought and you are not going to believe in your eyes. And when you stand up for yourself and raise your voice against them calling them for their phony identity, then you will see their rage for the first time and the mask will fall. Covert narcissists manipulate less with rage/exhibiting superiority and more with people pleasing behaviour/playing the eternal victim. They are not aggressive as overt narcissists. They are more cunning. What they both have in common is self-centered ness and lack of empathy. In the case of coverts, it will take you longer to find out.They knew what they wanted to get out of you from the beginning. They created a whole theatre play to fool you about who they are and their true motives. You will trust them with all your heart but when the time comes for them to prove their loyalty by choosing your bond over their personal gain, they will choose the latter with no remorse, without even taking any responsibility. Unlike the overt narcissist, they will have an eloquent excuse for doing so, rationalizing why they had to f@ck you over. They will pretend to be sorry about it because this is something that matches the image of modesty that they want to project but in reality they are not sorry at all. You will see them partying with your own money when they said they didn’t have enough to pay you back. You will see them being unfair and untrustworthy to other people as well. When the mask of the victim will fall, you will see the cruel smile of a perpetrator who managed to get what they want without deserving it. If you decide to unmask them run for your life. Additionally, The unwavering support and dedication demonstrated by Metaspyhub@gmail. com have been pivotal in my journey to uncover the painful truth surrounding my partner's infidelity. From the moment I first reached out to them, their professionalism and unwavering commitment to assisting me in finding the answers I desperately sought were readily apparent and highly commendable. Through their swift action and meticulous investigation, They presented me with compelling evidence that left no room for doubt. Armed with this newfound knowledge, I confronted my cheating partner with newfound courage, reclaiming my self-worth and paving the way for a future filled with renewed hope. Throughout this emotionally challenging process, Metaspyhub's expertise and unwavering support served as a constant source of strength, offering invaluable guidance and empathetic understanding when I needed it the most. I am profoundly grateful for their unwavering assistance, as it has empowered me to move forward with unwavering determination and newfound resilience.
Narcissists aren't robots. Our actions are based on reactions. So what did you do to cause the change in behavior? I'll treat a woman like a god until I become second fiddle. Then I'm out. I'm not here for your entertainment. If you're not as dedicated about our relationship as I am, then adios.
With the CN, it is not just the negative things they bring to the table, it is the positive things they are incapable of: authenticity, true intimacy which requires vulnerability, reciprocity, compassion, empathy and self-reflection toward consistent change. It is a vast wasteland to live in and try to repair.
So well stated. Having a CN for a parent is like having a hole in your heart from all the positive things they were incapable of creating in the relationship.
This blows...20 years in. I realize now that I clung to him after my horrific childhood, and he just picked up where they left off. After my heart attack and stroke, his mask FELL OFF COMPLETELY! His, now, financial control of me, just makes him worse. Im praying and planning escape. Wish me luck!
Seek the Truth; stay strong! I hoped you escape!! Do you have any family? Do get out because they never change. You were targeted because you are a tender hearted person and because you were set up by your parents, you were vunerable! Narcs look for people who have low self-esteem and weak boundaries that they can manipulate. Good luck to you!!!!
You can do it! Make a plan, you might need to start small but it's worth it. I just got out of our co-owned house the week before the world went nuts! I really didn't think I could, I was so worn down. I prayed and prayed for the energy, motivation and strength to get it ready to sell and go through that whole stressful process(all by myself)and I'll just say, I know with 100% certainty my prayers were answered because I still don't know how I got everything done!! I pray you figure it out and find the strength within yourself, it's there, whether you believe it or not! Sending you much love!💗
You just described my dad, Dr Ramani. It was excruciating growing up listening to his holier than thou sermons, disdain for everyone who did better than him and entertaining his never ending pity parties. He always had a group of enablers around him who lapped up all his chicanery, whom he used as instruments to pressure me into being his doormat. He operated as a passive bully. No one saw through him till the end.
At least they saw him in the end, that’s what everyone on the receiving end wishes for. Not to negate or invalidate your experience but at least it was validating for others to finally see what you experienced over your life. Validation at last 💪🏼🥳
6:44 YES! Never satisfied, never content! Criticism, complaining, contempt, anger, dismissiveness, frustration. They complain about EVERYTHING. It’s a miserable experience to be around, especially because they chronically view themselves as victims! It’s very heavy and dark and morose. This is my mom. The passive aggressiveness and hyper-sensitivity felt like torture. She lashes out at how unfair the world is but when I would give advice it was just met with rage. Super hyper sensitive to any criticism. It was always “the world is against me” and filled with chronic arguing. She is so judgemental and everyone owes them.
You explained my narcissistic ex and our entire relationship so well, it’s almost like you knew us personally. We had such an unhealthy relationship, yet I always excused his behavior for one reason or another. He got angry so easily, it was scary. And, it was like he actually enjoyed being angry. It was such weird behavior. I couldn’t understand why someone would intentionally make themselves mad. Then, I noticed that his anger made him feel like he was right and everyone else was somehow flawed. That’s when I realized he really was a covert narcissist. He was able to hide it so well, but I witnessed a side of him that few people ever saw. And, it was so emotionally and physically draining, I felt depleted of all my energy by the time I got home. I still don’t know why I subjected myself to that toxicity. It’s not healthy.
Fari I doubt covert narcissists could ever be truly happy. What’s worse is when they blame you for their misery and start turning people against you. Suddenly, you’re the bad guy and you have proven that the world is against them. It’s best to leave before that happens. I speak from experience...
Their ability to get angry so quickly is truly scary. I had never experienced anything quite like it. Reminds me of trying to pet and abused dog only to have your hand bit. You can approach them in the most sincere, affectionate manner you could possibly conjure only to have them fly into a fit of rage. When it happened to me I thought she was playing some sick joke on me for about half a second. Then I realized she was totally serious. You're forced into a lose lose situation where you did nothing wrong and nothing you say or do will remedy the situation. I find with healthy people situations like this simply don't happen and if it ever does happen the person almost immediately apologizes and recognizes their behavior. My narc sounded delusional and completely out of touch with reality. Insisting that I was "questioning her honesty" when I asked if everything was okay. It made me wonder what must have happened in her past life for her to have such hypersensitivity and to immediately assume she was being attacked. These are simply defensive mechanisms they have formed over the years that are turned up to 11 resulting in erratic, impulsive behavior that is completely disproportionate to the situation at hand.
I am a covert narcissist, though not as severe as the worst case given here. And I'm also a lot better than I used to be. And it's not all that I am. I can see the ridiculousness of my narcissistic reactions and accept them when they are pointed out to me. I wasn't always like that. I certainly don't think the world is against me, I know everything is down to me and my attitudes.
@@iluminet That's certainly not an okay thing to say. There is a very distinct difference between the narcissist that acts on their impulses and emotions and projects their inner life on reality with conviction and anger, as any narcissist does, and someone that merely possesses the inner life of a covert narcissist. At its core, narcissism is rooted in deep insecurity and a level of denial that is larger than their will to self reflect. OP doesn't sound like an actual narcissist from their words. Take me as an example, I was raised by three deeply narcissistic, one even psychopathic, parental figures. I am still very young and in the process of detaching myself from the deeply abusive family I was born into. As a result, I identify with many of the vulnerable, narcissistic characteristics of thinking because I have severe PTSD and depression, and have practically no ego and sense of self or self worth, but a plethora of traumatic triggers. If someone criticizes me I believe they want to see me die right there, and it's not because I believe I am larger than life, it's because I lived two decades in that reality. It is easy to believe that you don't need to put in work, for example, if no work you have ever put in has been good enough. You can't make statements like the one you did without that context to a person if they are in active recovery. Please educate yourself more than that if you're trying to be successful in dating someone you believe to be narcissistic.
@@glittery8862 *yawn* I literally just spent a month and a half in mental hospitals because of a bunch of narcs. Today is my first day back home... and I almost didn't make it several times over. I'm a survivor... through and through... and I don't appreciate your tone. I will not read the rest of your comment, but I have a feeling that doesn't matter to you as much as getting thumbs up from others agreeing with you. Sorry, I don't swing with whatever the crowd likes... but oh so not sorry that I have a mind that is free of the hive mob mentality.
I am so very grateful to Dr. Ramani for making this series on covert/vulnerable narcissists. It's like she knows my former best friend personally...my jaw actually dropped as I listened because the behaviors she described were so damn relatable. Their chronic victimhood, their sheer helplessness, their entitlement, their validation seeking, their passive aggressive comments, their sullenness when they weren't being pandered to or given special attention...all of it. Spending time with this kind of person is just so draining. In my case, I was subjected to a never-ending monologue about their personal problems and past traumas to the point that I frequently ran out of things to say. Looking back, I was a textbook enabler...she spent so much time complaining about all of the cartoon villains in her life, and any attempt to understand the "villain's" perspective was met with so much hostility that I eventually just stopped and took her word at face value. Meanwhile, if the topic shifted to someone else, she either redirected it back to herself or straight up checked out of the conversation. She was not interested in other people's lives AT ALL and yet could not understand why people didn't want to be around her. If anyone reads this, know that it's okay to step away from the narcissist's quicksand of negativity, judgment, and self-absorption. Don't let yourself become an enabler like I did.
Yes, I felt a lot of empathy for the covert neglectful narcissist for 6 years while he chose to stay married, but it never ever helped him, nor changed him. I felt my love and compassion could change him and make him happy. It only damaged me. He stayed the victim always and only gaslighted and ghosted me. Thank you for this video. 🙏🌻
Of everything you said - the concept of going absolutely CRAZY when it comes to critique or even perceived critique is what has clued me in the most. It's unreal the level of drama.
@RainbowDreams30 i pointd out my ex boyfriendsflaws and how he treated me wrong as a person. he looked at me scarcastically, said "i can't believe im liek this in your mind."
The very best description of a covert narcassist I've heard. Spot on ! When my covert sister is telling a story, in the same story, she's the hero and the victim. It's weird! Everything is about them in a victim way. According to them, everyone has done them wrong. The boss, the family , the church, the spouse. The list never ends. And they really beleive they are the " misunderstood, special person."
I'm speechless... She's been describing my last relationship in every detail.... it only occurred to me he was a covert narcissist years after I left him (once he'd emptied my soul, heart and bank account to the point that I had to escape for dear life)... he was the best actor I have ever met. I was actually persuaded he wasn't a narcissist. These types of narcissists are extremely clever at manipulating you. The grandiose narcs are easy to spot, you just stick around for a bit because of all the excitement, but a covert narcissist can literally hold you hostage (mentally and physically) for years.
I wish I knew what I know now. However I think my crazy experience with my narcissist bought me closer to God. You see I found myself praying all the time for him to be a better person. I learned I should have been praying for me to just be smarter
Oh yes, letting him know just how desperately we need him is, I guess, is a God send, struggle on, keep dosing yourself and win your sanity back, like it's too much to ask? Stay the course!
Thank u for saving me thousands in therapy. U nailed it. Run, dont walk from any narc whether its family or not. They are out to destroy anyone they can.
I’m an introverted narcissist. If you’d like to know more please read below. First off I just want to say that if you have dealt with somebody like me I’m very sorry. I’m sure it sucks. Although IF IM BEING COMPLETELY honest, and if you listened to this video, no covert narcissist will feel bad about it. I simply don’t have that empathy. I will not have kids as I don’t want to hurt anybody, nor have a long lasting relationship. Most likely anyways. The outlook is very grim. Anybody like me will probably hurt you and play the victim. As I have done. I often blame my circumstances and play the victim. I’m never satisfied with what I get. I’m over sensitive to criticism and don’t listen to suggestions. And lastly I will never feel happy for somebody when they do something well deserving of an accomplishment. I simply lack that empathy. If you believe somebody is a covert narcissist recommend therapy. To somebody in their life circle. They will most likely blame everybody else and do nothing about it. All of this video is true by the way. At the very least I’m aware of it and am undergoing therapy. I GENUINELY hope you don’t encounter somebody like me. At least I think. But at this point I question that feeling. It’s no fun. And I’m sorry. Much love, Jack
Jack you are my hero for going deeper into you and recognizing this, you are being more empathic and this message is an example. God bless you forever!
Jack, thank you very much for your comment, courage and dedication to work on yourself. It is indeed something we all could benefit from. If you don't mind, besides therapy, is there anything one can do for a covert narcissist? To set them on the right path, to give them something to reflect upon. Anything really.
24 years of this bs...and the true colors really show when you leave them. But now I’m learning to be me again. I feel as though I’m waking from a coma.
It is true that you don't see them clearly when you are with them, after you leave them you are in shock that you were in a coma for so long. 18 years of this madness, they are so sneaky, so kind, pride themselves in being so honest.
I think I just got discarded by a covert narcissist. The signs were there from the jump, looking back, but I kept telling myself I wasn't seeing what I was seeing. It's like Dr Ramani knew this guy. It's sent chills down my spine. I am feeling so relieved though. I'm. also grateful for this video validating my experience. All this time I was aware of classic narcissism, telling myself I'd never fall for a guy like that. Now I know the covert narcissist is far deadlier. Ladies, stay sharp out there.
I was also just discarded by a covert narc. problem is i had no idea he as a covert narc while in the toxic relationship. i didn't realize until a few months after the discard. the signs are there but everything is so subtle that I rationalized it away. If I tried to talk to someone about it, they thought I sounded crazy because the things I noticed were so subtle that it appeared I was reading into everything. The relationship totally screwed me up. I was in cognitive dissonance (didn't realize it at the time) and riddled with anxiety.
@@leeannalynn55 is it me or do all covert narcs operate the same way? How are they all like this?? Reading your post made me feel as though I was reading my own thoughts! I too found out what he was months after it ended with him. Those who have not been through that traumatic experience simply don't understand how damaging it is.
I’ve NC for 7 months. Never ever would I have believed my ex was a narc... I had no idea there were “vulnerable”, “shy”, “covert” narcissists... until I saw his mask fall off completely... and saw an entirely different person. He even walked different.
Oh yes.. these guys are pros. I still recall out first date, after I called the friend who set us up and I said. He’s good looking but kinda sad and dumb, I’m not sure if he’s the guy for me.. we worked together so I saw him the next day and wow! He was completely different, charming, funny. I chalked it up to a bad day but his darkness continued throughout our relationship. It was exhausting and made me very anxious. Strangest relationship I ever had, I’m out for a year now but it’s been the hardest one to get over. My mind has been so manipulated... I’m just starting to feel ok now but some damage has been done. It’s like I met the devil.
OMG I KNOW! Hardest one to get over for sure. I'm like 10 months out now, and I guess the hardest thing for me to come to terms with is that I put up with it! I knew he was toxic and narcissistic but I just kept "seeing the good in him". I literally watch these kind of videos every day still. It was always him so envious of everyone and the world did him wrong. blah blah blah. He discarded me after an AWFUL trip to Europe (that I paid for most of) over text. A 36 year old man.
For both of you - forgive yourselves first. You didn’t know. Meeting someone through a friend feels safer but lots of them are hiding. Now you know and will know what red flags not to ignore.
This is such an accurate video, seriously, if you get a glimpse of these traits rather please run like hell - it gets worse as the years go by. They go from being this almost humble good guy with a hard luck story to being the most self centred nasty individual you might ever meet. As always, top class video Dr Ramani
7:40 they also might sight, do things loudly (for ex.: wash the dishes banging things a lot and loudly), make faces (of confusion, disguss, etc), make poses and gestures that show those emotions and talk in a tone that expresses that too.
Very well said. They will bang the dishes and slam doors, while never actually telling you they’re upset. You have to be anxious, and simply read their body language and facial expressions.
Oh my goodness. So many years of this. You ask "what's wrong?" And they claim nothing is wrong while storming around the house and literally oozing negativity everywhere they go...but yeah "nothing's wrong". So exhausting and stressful.
Some of these things really hit home for me about my wife. One thing I remember very clearly, we went into a store to pick up some things for dinner, and we saw a woman who was the manager. Her name tag said she was proud to have worked for the store for 25 years. When we left, we got into the car and the whole drive home was a rant from my Unemployed For Years wife that she didn't understand how anybody could hold down a minimum wage job for 25 years without being ashamed of themselves. She still holds that opinion to this day, and is still unemployed. It boggles my mind.
With covert narcissist it feels like you can help them, like there is something beautiful underneath. But there isn’t.
There truly isn't ,they are cruel people deep down
So on point
Amen.
Wow that’s spot on.
Nobody is evil to their core, least of all a covert narcissist.. not that one should try to stay in a relationship with one of these people to try to "fix" them. They need professional help. But their disorder is a false self defense, they haven't developed their actual personality, whatever it might be, which is why they seem so empty.
I think a lot of covert narcissists like to portray themselves as gentle and empathetic, while looking melancholy. "Poor me! I care so much for others, but I've had it so rough."
Spot on! Yes! My dad is like that and so were a few exes. With my last relationship, I thought I was in a relationship with a nice guy but the red flags shone through quickly. He played the victim to a hilt and blamed his family for everything and had a lot of seething anger and resentment. I write professionally for a living and I also have a college degree in journalism. He worked in a trade and never finished college. He disliked his writing classes and would often criticize and tell me that writing was stupid...despite the fact that I was a professional writer and love writing. He also would criticize and pushed people's buttons at work on purpose. I find it funny that he criticized his coworkers for being idiot thugs who mistreated women...and he ended up doing the same thing and took the coward's way out by dumping me by text then blew me off and never heard from him. Luckily, he did me a favor. He moved to a different state to get together with his ex wife who I found out he was still married to. Yeah she can have him--she must be just as insecure and needy as him to take him back and he's the one who left her! Good riddance!! Covert narcs are very toxic energy vampires!!
Therese Pope OMG it’s as if you’re describing MY ex! I was sooo hurt when I realized I have to leave him or he’ll take me down with him, isolate me from my loved ones. Now though I’m SO relieved and happy. Don’t blame the ex now current wife, she probably has her issues and he’s capable of manipulating her. I have a friend like that. She’s been with an abusif husband and keeps going back to him. I really care for her and she is a really good friend, but I had to accept that I can’t help her because she refused all the help due to fear of being alone.
It is pretty upsetting when you realize you are a sucker for this manipulative charm. I've resigned myself to just prejudge all charming vulnerable people now because otherwise I will be blindsided again and again and again.
Yes! Eore😂
I was messed over by one of these ex-girlfriend female types that I met on Facebook back in 2014 studying me phase love bombing same music interests led up to a relationship then got personal since we were long distance visiting every year state-to-state total 5 years like the soulmate twin flame stuff she played acting all sweet loving shy always posting pictures on Facebook of her son and mom and how much shes proud and misses her mom repetitively from passing away since they don't have Empathy or Praise For Others being covert narcissist .looking back you now realize it's bogus just a daily 24/7 routine for Empathy Supply .I realize this is all for just narcissistic Supply and victim Fuel we were close up till this year in February never came across my mind she was a psycho-narc till the cold breakup disengagement and yes these are not your normal type of breakups they're narcissistic flip the script personality change childish shocking to yourself with the blocking me changeing number like I never existed then I backtracked and researched all this crap always look for the love bombing the little rages the smirks angry to happy smiley faces always do your narc credentials in the beginning red flags!! I know it's a sad mental illness and their sweet faces will haunt you forever but these people should take be taken out of society Force intervention or the mental Hospital
This is the most dangerous type. The cool, calm and quiet ones, then they strike and are nastier than any other. Controlling, verbally abusive and play mind games all the time until you are broken and your self esteem is crap. Oh and don’t forget the sarcasm and back handed compliments that bite
I know exactly what you talking about. Especially the self esteem part.
exactly ❤️
I’m 7 years in and 2 kids. I have no idea who I am anymore. I have no zero self esteem, he’s verbally abusive, passive aggressive, just down right mean. She has just described my life and our entire social life, which has completely non existent. I have no motivation , I’m depressed, I’m lonely, I’m confused and now he’s telling me that I’m mentally unwell and need to be medicated. I have no idea what to do!
i totally hear you. After I got passed the 5 years of abuse where I was mistreated so badly emotionally that I had actually believed that I was broken and garbage, I started to wake UP and then I learned about narcissism. the rest is history. they are disgusting, sick people, to treat others so cruel. the worst part is, they do it slowly so that you don't notice its happening until its too late. run!
Wowwww you’re exactly right
Repeat it with me: depression does not MAKE you become an abuser.
It can absolutely lead to abuse. Unstable moods, unpredictable behaviors, negative talk, putting others down to bring them down to how you feel. Many people with depression can't do some things for themselves and often start to demand help from others without the ability to express gratitude or be a positive support back to that person. Every person that I know who was abusive, suffered from mental illness, including depression. Not all people who have depression abuse others but it is common
@@tashyam7736 but they're choosing that and that's not okay. Don't use mental illness as an excuse. 😊
@@tashyam7736can vs will....you CAN become that from anything. But like she said, it doesn't mean that you WILL!
I got Depression I abuse my Gfs
Usually having been abused makes you an abuser
The covert narcissists are the ones you gotta watch out for. They fool you deeply with their calm, needy, vulnerable demeanor - then suddenly they turn 180 and flip into a classic textbook narcissistic monster that they truly are.
TRUTH
Ouch, that hurt! Also true
@N R I have been fooled a few times by the same man.
calm, needy, vulnerable... but has a complete other side to the personality... yep that sounds about right.
My grandmother literally said “I’m scared I can’t start that car to keep the battery going m. Come to the city every week to start it for me”.
Me: I’m not coming to the city weekly to click a peddle.
Her: *starts telling people I abandoned her*.
Victims of narcissists tend to be beaten down so much that they themselves display symptoms of the narcissist. Anti -social, fearful, not motivated, constantly apologizing, angry and dont know why, not confident etc.
Wow!!Description is to a TTTT!!
Yes,I struggle with this. I have cptsd from my narcissist parent and I sometimes wonder if I am the monster now, not my ex that I'm skeptical about having narcissism. Idk... 😔
Wish me luck 🤞
Wish me luck 🤞
I don't say these things however I sometimes think like that...am I a narcissits. ...
"They never take those risks, but mock those who do"
That's 100%
Also would try and avoid opening door unless its a delivery person.
@@springBloomsinAwe my ex-boyfriend would refuse to get food delivery when it was his time to get it. Such a piece of s**t
Once he realizes he upset me he goes oh Im the bad guy victimizes himself when I call him out Threatens to end his life to scare me or love bombs me or ignores me which is a trigger he knows
That sounds like a guy at work. Ever since I started riding my motorcycle at work, I heard from another coworker that he was criticizing my riding ability, even though the guy doesn't even ride motorcycles.
I dont pretend to be some professional motorcycle rider. In fact, I know there is plenty of people that ride better than me. I also know my limits of my skill, and what I feel comfortable doing and what I don't. I put in the effort to learn to ride as well as I do now. It did irritate me at first, but now, I realize it was just jealousy coming from his narcissism.
I think the guy got a little butt hurt too that completely ignored him about him knowing how to ride.
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️💯✅
Hot tip, when you come across the covert types they will warn you themselves that things will not end well with them without realising they're telling on themselves. When they openly tell you that EVERY romantic partner they've dated 'just left', 'abondanded', 'ran away and ghosted' or one day just kicked them to the kerb for 'no apparent reason' that's your cue to exit slowly and quietly. If different people from different walks of life flee from this person, you will end up finding out why the hard way like the last ones did.
Oh my god. That is exactly what happened!
yoo crazy it was like with my experience too! And with all their pitty, i end up feeling bad for him, what a waste
Lol happened to me
@@mulderitsmee 180 literally
No not always the case. I've talked to my therapist about this. Some people are just unlucky and haven't found the right person...sincerely someone who has been rejected by 13 people in 2 years including by someone who lovebombed me and discarded me within a week and another person who stuck a loaded gun to my head and stole my money. You can't just assume that that person is the problem. So are you going to just blame every single lonely and alone person out there who doesn't have it easy making friends (because I in particular have gotten reassurance from therapists that I'm not a narcissist I have autism...)
My covert N is everybody’s favorite at a party (if he does go) kind, talkative, and charming but he’s a whole different person at home. Nobody would ever believe me
I relate. My mom is so wonderful to everyone else. Sweet. Harmless. Dealt a tough hand. But the reality that no one else knows is she’s a terrible, terrible person. So me going no-contact makes me a selfish, awful daughter to all those who don’t know what I know.
I fully understand that
I believe you 🌸
@@godzillamanstreb524 thank you
Mine too. Thats the only part of this Covert N profile that doesn't fit... which has me doubting myself that he really is.... but he is. The whole world is conspiring against him, He never got given a chance, hes smarter than everyone and cant be bothered to work a regular job like a pleb, deeply jealous of my sucess, never takes responsibility for his choices, its always someone elses fault etc etc. Its almost as if he can put on the mask of the grandiose N from time to time, or can almost go back and forth depending on how his life is going. But can be VERY charming and outgoing also.
"They dismiss the opinion and knowledge of other people". That is so exact.
Jade Sam Alley Zain I can’t even count the number of times my mom has said psychologists, doctors, or anyone more knowledgeable than her don’t know what they’re talking about. If she is ever called out on her “correct” ways of parenting and we try to say things have changed in the last 30 years, oh no, she’s not having it. Because she is the one who knows all. And if something has been proven to no longer be affective, then in her sick mind, that is like saying she did it “wrong.” And we all know how narcissistic people LOVE being wrong.
My parents had a medical reference book. Every time I would talk to them about health issues (diagnosed and treated by a doctor!!) they would look it up and then announce whether or not they agreed with the diagnosis and/or treatment.
They would jump on any opportunity to contradict or counterpoint anything about the situation.
@@meeklet these kind of people make me seethe. As a professional, it makes my job harder.
Sooo true !
And this is how mine is dying with cancer.
They dismiss everything you say.They are always right.
Truuuuueeeeeeee
All narcs do that tho
virgo sign females ...... spot on.... jus like my ex wife....
This is it.
Ugh.. SO ANNOYING
This video made me cry. I didn't even realize the own signs in myself and didn't even realize the path of destruction I created in my life and all the people ive taken for granted and used because of my own insecurities and shortcomings. I never wanted to be like this. I want to heal so badly from my trauma and I deeply thank you for giving me the wakeup call and awareness I needed to hear
This was extremely eye opening for me as well..I destroyed my marriage with these very behaviors...now how do i heal from this and change to be better??
I'm in the same place. I'm trying to heal so I can be a better person and actually enjoy life. I have hurt people and am only lucky a few stayed around after the way I've treated them. Every article and video feels so negative though and I'm also confused on how to get help. I'm not a victim anymore, so how do I heal and get out of this pattern? I hope you heal too
Same here
Dont worry guys narsasstic dude here to help you. Personally I started to just laugh at myself when my narcissism wants to show. When ever i start thinking I'm the greatest of all time i just laugh and make fun of myself for thinking like that. With other people though ita hard to get them back. If you love something let it go. However if you really are diffrent people will notice the change and the new people in your life are the key to helping the old people from your life realizing their finally has been change. If they never want to come back they won't. Don't worry about it, just apologize for real and move on.
@@reginaldmurphy5052 just start acutally chnaging your behavior. Like for me i realized that ladies are people and how dudes treat them is kinda bad. However i for some reason thought i could engange in the same behavior but in a non toxic way. There is no way to be untoxicaly toxic. So I decided Im not even going to try to go after any women. No matter how pretty i think she is. Im just gonna for a lady to say " I pick you " and im just gonna watch out for the green and red flags.
A covert narcissist can create such a toxic environment and then blame the toxicity on everybody else. Make everybody else miserable (critical, complaining, angry, contemptuous) and then play the victim. Mistreat everybody in their path and then claim to be the victim.
So true
Man you hit the nail on the head
totally agree, this is my sister through and through. Many years of calling both my parents evil, blaming them for her life issues, not getting her way, wrecking and abusing me at family events, putting me in danger with comments relating to my personal life in public places like weddings, creating a trail of destruction with substance misuse, blaming me for being 'perfect' and gaslighting me and my partner for years. I ended this relationship 2 months ago after 48 years and never felt better. I have health issues as result which are now starting to improve. I am no longer feeling guilty for not helping her. There can be life after ending such toxic relationships especially with a sibling.
Wow accurate description of a former friend
YESSSSS
"Never argue with an idiot. Those watching won't be able to tell tell the difference."
- the story of my life
Oh, my god, that was a good laugh. Thanks.
😂 also 😢
It's baffling to watch them act like the smartest person in the room as I sit thinking this is stupidest person I've ever met. Can he really be this dumb. He's a GM and so you'd expect he could comprehend but they can't. What I have to say just plain doesn't matter to him so he just doesnt hear me .
OMG that is a good quote
Also because they, "will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience."
Mark twain
10 years, married. 10 years miserable.
7 years, asleep. 7 years almost gave up.
3 years, awake. 3 years healing. 3 years growing. 3 years LESS miserable. 3 years becoming ME!!!
But before 3 MORE years... Gone. ✌️
💗
🙏 YAASSS Girl! 🌞
Good for you, mine was so similar! It takes so long to undo all the damage they cause but it's worth it, we're worth it! It's all such a mind f***, they're truly evil to do this to good people. Stay strong, we're all more resilient than we thought we were! 💗
@@The.Collective.Objective. YES!!!👊
@@crystaljean522 Thank you! And congratulations to you, too. It has been amazing finding out how tough we actually are!
My mother is a covert narcissist. She was a teacher for 40 years and on the outside, functioned like Mother Theresa. But to me, she would NEVER EVER accept responsibility for her behaviors and toxicity. She inserted herself into my finances as well as other people's lives and liked to tell them how to live their lives. Mainly, she NEVER accepts her part in an argument or disagreement. It is NEVER her. Thank you for a great video. Very enlightening.
You captured my mum perfectly
Mother Theresa was an awful person herself! I just saw a video about her on RUclips.
🎯🎯🎯
Same. My mom is a covert narc and weaponizes all personal information. LOVES sticking her nose in everybody's finances. Will lie and gossip about people's finances. They are SO weird about money. Transactional relationships. Has always used men for money. Plays the victim yet is a bully. Projects her own flaws and insecurities onto other people. Gaslights. Manipulates. Poor self-awareness. No ability to reflect on how her toxic behavior affects other people. If anyone reacts negatively to her their reaction is weaponized against them. Thrives off drama and gossip. Disparages people behind their backs. She's sick.
@tenningale I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. My mom didn't use men for money. But she controlled the money when she and my dad were married. Over my life she's used money as a heavy heavy hand. And I recently inherited my dad's money as his only living child. And I feel the seething on the underside. She ignores me now, interrupts me at the drop of a hat, and points out the most minor of things. Yet if you do the exact same thing to her, you're a horrible person. She recently told me I'm a very hard person to live with. It sent me into confusion because if my own mother thinks that, am I hard to live with for other people? It's the confusion the narcissist sends you into that makes them tick. Oh did I mention SHE IS NEVER,EVER WRONG? EVER. I hope you heal.
My mother was a beloved preschool teacher for 25 years. Everyone thought she was just wonderful. If they knew how she treated her own children they wouldn’t have let her in the door let alone work there.
I caught my covert mom kick a tub full of my homemade jewelry on my nest camera. She backed up and kicked it, then kicked again really hard. It’s crazy what these people are capable of when they think nobody is looking. When I walked out my door,( before the kick… ) she called me a bitch.
Teaching is a magnet for narcs. They love being the smartest person in the room with all the power. My mom was the same as yours. I know a lot of people with narc teachers for Moms. Not only would she treat me and my sister badly, she would brag about mistreating kids. My mom would tell me about putting some child in his place or yelling at her disabled students and be so proud of herself. I was horrified that she behaved this way to children.
Narcissistic teachers relish having the attention of little ones. They cant accept that its not the same with adults. And that they have to treat their own offspring with love and respect.
After retirement they still can’t have a normal conversation. Their tone is always that of a bitter lecturer. They are always talking about wishing their own children cared about them, but all they want are people to talk AT. I feel so bad for the many customer service agents they hold hostage for an hour. And they have to go along with the shtick and agree and praise.
I can relate
Wow this resonates with our case of my grandmother who has been a teacher and treats one of her daughters atrociously, because we had to live with her, and praises the other. Now I’m trying to understand if she is just evil, possessed, a narcissist or what type of an abuser.
When they aren't getting the reaction they want then they lash out on you with accusations and intimidation.
Yep exactly right
They defy logic, They will turn a conversation inside out just to make you angry, So they get the attention from you...
Supposedly mentalization based therapy can help these individuals be more aware of emotional states of others and improve their behavior.
they are full of seething rage
@@MichaelDHockenberry noticed that with my spouse long ago. It will definitely make you crazy
You can feel their rage under the surface like you said Dr Ramani. It’s like being in the room with a coiled up snake, tense
Yes. I can feel it build. Even if theres no physical manifestations of the tension. I can literally feel it and then I start going into fight or flight.
Exactly 💯
Yes.... this is exactly how it feels... before you are aware... it’s like being caught in a spider web and not understanding why you feel metaphorically trapped and after you gain enough clarity to have enough understanding to identify that you have been manipulated & deceived... the spider become the snake 🐍
Great description
This is such a good description.
My wife is constantly seeking out validation and empathy and even considers herself an empath, but whenever I open up to her she’s dismissive, and minimizes my feelings. Last night I even explicitly asked for some empathy about how difficult our relationship has become and she could not do it. She went out of her way to avoid doing it, usually a long pause followed by going back to talking about herself. The low self esteem, terribleness at social gatherings, passive aggression, victim mentality, and arrogance when with regards to her profession and child rearing, it all makes perfect sense.
The arrogance in his profession is what really opened my eyes to him being a covert. I've dated narcissists before but this one sure snuck up on me. Everything else can be justified or written off that I'm just overthinking things or whatever, but the arrogance and how he speaks about others was so off putting and very obvious that it's not normal to think that way about others/himself.
That's just like my mom with my dad. I watched her emotionally and physically abuse my dad for 30 years until he was so beaten down, he thought that was how all marriages were. More and more, he isolated away from her in his office every night to keep from spurring her wrath. And he's extroverted so he's not an "alone guy."
I'm so happy for him since they divorced. He finally has someone with love and empathy to give. My mom convinced herself my dad was having an affair and initiated the divorce. Welp, she got what she wanted. She's alone, miserable, and when I gather up the courage to talk to her, she only cares to complain or criticize. Her explosive unpredictable anger gives me severe panic attacks, so I avoid her at all costs for my own mental health.
You deserve better. ❤
The ones who self-label as an empath are a red flag.
@@jjberg83learnt the hard way or the victim everyone has been evil to them their whole life
Sounds 100 percent like my husband
I was married to this for 18 years. It's damaging beyond belief.
Beyond belief is spot on!
so sorry for your experience.
So true, also married to this 17 years, so Happy i got out.
Heather Wasserman it doesn’t end when you walk away.
23 for me
The impulse to “fix” and be a person’s “savior” is that moth , to that flame. I wasn’t even initially ever attracted to the person but the empath in me, wanted to help him ( I pitied him) gave him a chance..smh I’m so glad I’ve gained so much knowledge from you and other sources it’s mentally helped me pick up the pieces from my past & I feel better every month that goes by -no contact.
Congratulations yess that’s amazing to hear! I 💯 agree!! When my ex covert narc and I first started seeing each other we watched a bee fly around the house and then crawl up onto a lit candle, purposefully put itself into hot wax until it was on top the flame. I was so mind blown I must have stared at it for an hour: I had never seen that before...and he was belittling me the whole time for not helping the bee. But I guarantee from where I am now that it was a message of what I was doing to myself if I were to stay with him.... And the memory came back to me just this week thinking of the same analogy you used here... so I thought I would share. Stay blessed! Stay educated! Xo
I’ve learned not to date people I pity...say that’s too bad and run the other way lol. It’s weird to think that your base attraction to someone is because they’re below you. Which opens up a bunch of questions about how you think of yourself, why you need to pride yourself on saving others instead of just being. It revealed that I was indeed the one in need of saving, I was projecting my insecurity..
I wasn't initially attracted to my husband either. Not physically. But emotionally we hit it off really quick, and I was so empathetic to his Broken Heart from his cheating first ex-wife. And his children who needed me so deeply. But I was stuck in a six-year marriage to him until his jealousy for my Independence and success drove him to cheat, discard, and a provoked smear campaign. Luckily since he has no social skills, only his one best friend, 2 narcissistic sisters, and a handful of people at work, were involved in that smear campaign. I'm so grateful for what I learned... And I learned that I don't want to save anybody but myself and my birth child! I also learned that I deserve, and will have an equal partnership relationship in the future! No more blinders on this gal!
Same, I wasn’t attracted to him at first.
And you get so overwhelmed it’s exhausting!
The most painful to me is when people make statements like "there's nothing like a mother's love" and claim anyone who doesn't respect their mother is simply a bad person.
I know. So ignorant and uncaring.
That comes from a place of what a mothers love is supposed to be like. Sadly, many of us didn’t have it or we wouldn’t be watching these videos. But I am still thankful that there are good mothers out there who truly are selfless, giving and loving people. We deserved it but didn’t get it. Now it’s time to grow from it and never repeat her mistakes.
I totally agree with you.
In South Asian culture mothers are considered another form of God so you can imagine the outrage if you so much as suggest that your own mother could be flawed... It's a suffocating experience to be raised by a narc mom.
My mom was a master at lowering my self esteem and keeping me guessing on what kind of mood I would get from her. Covert narcissists are great at making you think everyone is using you because you’re too generous and there’s no way they would want to be around you otherwise. Insults on your looks, placing the blame on you when you’re saying how they hurt you and making you think you’ve misheard what they’ve said.
I am so sorry for what you have been through 💔💔💔. I get YOU 🥰. I suffered EXACTLY the same at the hands of my 'covert' narcissistic mother, older sister and twin brother (older brother has narcissistic traits too).
Now I know WHY I was so sad, anxious and depressed, so confused and so lacking in confidence living within my family from the earliest age.
I also felt SO different to everyone else 💔💔💔. Now I know WHY. I WASN'T imagining it. I WAS different! Thoughts, Prayers and A Big Bear Hug. You are Loved! 🙏💕🙏💕.
omg that is dead on my narc started giving me many compliments, then love bombed me then talked about my tummy and gives the silent treatment when i don't do what he says on demand
I went through the same horrible experience. My mother spent all my childhood and young adulthood living vicariously through me. Fortunately, I loved studying, in fact she only wanted me to study because that was what she wasn't allowed to do in her youth (that's not my fault). But on the other hand, she was totally clueless and inept regarding emotions so I could never talk about what and how I felt about anything, neither to her nor to my father, whose role was just as a money provider to raise me and nothing else. My mother never allowed me any privacy and always blamed me for not having friends. I guess my Asperger was caused by her narcissism. I am 46 now and I just want to keep her emotionally as far as possible from me. I will never again try to argue with her about anything. It only drains my energy. She's toxic and it's exhausting. But now I know.
@@elsaaforges Same. Another covert narc trait is they view kids as extensions of themselves and live vicariously through them. I had to put on a facade that I was becoming a doctor (her childhood goal she didn’t achieve) just to appease her narcissism and avoid her anger. I quietly pursued my own goals, which she made snide comments about. Both treats me as the golden child when it makes her look good, yet trashes and lies about me to other people to feed her narcissistic supply.
It’s so scary, especially when it’s your own mother.. How can we move on and live life??
Empath: "YES, I finally got my _dream_ job. I'm SO excited."
Overt Narcissist: "And? You're acting like the CEO. Relax. It's _just_ a job!"
Covert Narcissist: "Oh wow, nice. But why did you take _that_ job?"
Covert narcissist: that job doesn't *that* great. Isn't it tedious?
They're Such dream killers!
I don't know why these videos are so different from your recent material, but I can't watch these. It starts turning into narc doublespeak. Is there any way you could do this topic again from the new angle you're using now? I need something to clear the cognitive dissonance right now, not reinforce. You may be my only hope for this, too. You know that, I'm sure.
Counter Narcissist: "You know what they say, 'one man's trash is another man's treasure.' They also say that 'not all that glitters is gold'..."
*Looks them directly in the eye when saying the second sentence.
That’s my mom, ughhh
I knew my mind was being fucked with but couldn’t put it into words. Watching these videos literally pulled the words out of my mouth. It’s so nice to hear I’m not alone and not crazy but it’s also hard realizing I’ve been played.
Stay strong .
Don’t worry! When you meet the many narcissists in this world, you WON’T be fooled again. You are now prepared to protect yourself and space and mind. You have an advantage over these sick people.
❤ i think is the saddest part. I see his photos (I Keep only 2 just to make this test) and what I see is a snake, sorry for who loves snakes😅😉. The tears are for myself. For believing in him more than in my gut. I betrayed myself. This is the hard part for me now..forgive myself ❤ Keep going ....we'll be fine
It's taken me 19 years because I was sick with Chronic Lyme Disease. Now that I'm getting healthier I finally am able to put it together. I'm getting out but am waiting for my low income apartment. It's time for me at 64 years old!
Omg I'm just realizing I'm not crazy I'm really not my god my heart hurts so bad he's been making me feel so crazy he's been fucking with me I've begged and begged for it to stop almost taking my life bc I don't wanna live if I'm this crazy... My god he is the devil and Im trying to run.... Please send positive vibes...
“socially less skilled” narcissist doesn’t always mean they’re awkward or shy. It’s more meant to show that they aren’t able to regulate themselves and they are presumptuous and contemptuous.
Exactly.
They can not handle themselves in any kind of confrontational setting. Hell, even a typical every day conversation will ooze with a 'everyone is out to get me' attitude!!!
I think she is speaking about most of, based from her experiences and studies, she is also speaking about the covert narcissist and not necessarily all people with Narcissistic personality disorder
@@kittenmitten7360 my covert friend sincerely thinks the guy at Home Depot mixed her paint incorrectly on purpose. She does like to hang out with groups, but then criticizes everyone in them. But the only groups she’ll stick with are those with highly educated, well-travelled people. Nothing wrong with that on the surface. But she will not stick with groups of people she dee,s socially below her, even if that has nothing to do with the purpose of the group.
I always felt bad for her and honestly believed in the beginning “wow, this person has such a sad life” blindly thinking I could “save” them. Only to end up almost losing so much of myself to please and boost their low self esteem! It’s been a toxic cycle of gaslighting and manipulation that I’m the bad person, the depressing person, the friend who doesn’t “prioritize” them. Personally I believe they are the worst and most dangerous narcissist you can ever encounter in life🤷🏽♀️
Holy cow you described my spouse to a t.
I agree. Because they are not easy to spot, not at first. They drain and depress you and then rage at you. Freaks.
Absolutely yes sweetheart 😘 you can save us. By the way, are you still available ❤️ I'm a covert and honestly y'all never find out unless if I have to tell you. Take care 💗
@@dritanstojanovic4576 WTF!!
Sameeeeee brother same happened with me
This is the one I’ve been waiting for. These people are infuriating and soul crushing and hardly anyone can even see it.
Jenny Marti,hope you are not with a narcissist!
True
Just realized it after 5 years of covert abuse 🙃 I can finally see the future
I was in a relationship with one for 5 years so better later than never!!!
@@ccm791 i am similar to yourself. have escaped and have a degree in knowledge about these behaviours that no university could teach me, so it made me a more understanding person for anyone going through similar. ( that is what I remind myself of if I catch myself going over the what ifs)
Covert narcs can come across as sweet, timid, shy and humble, even. The arrogance is there, it's just harder to spot. Sometimes it's apparant in terms of what they value (e.g. they will value a "popular" friend, who will boost their social status, over a genuine kind-hearted friend. They will seek out a "hot" partner, who will look good on their arm, rather than a partner who has good character etc)
Any person who cannot be used to boost their ego, is easily disposable in their eyes. And they literally have NO remorse or guilt when they dispose others. It doesn't matter how "close" you were to them, they will cut you off heartlessly once they have no use for you.
Be very, very careful around these people. Their timid nature will make you put your guard down without you even realising. Classic wolf in sheep's clothing
Exactly my situation with the X
Passive aggressive people. Very dangerous. They're usually set in their ways and lack personality. They're most likely to borrow money and ask for lots of favours...Then once they're done with you, contempt for you sets in.
The "oh poor me" types who feel they've been cheated in life, never
accepting they won't never be famous. Sad to watch.
Kalala Kapay i know someone with the traits that she mentioned in video, but he cares about others, and looks very empathetic, he is very good listener. There is a chance that he is just passive -aggressive person and not covert narcissist?
bay leaf my god you are so right!! My younger sister is a covert narc. She also has classic middle child syndrome. But she seeks out friends and boyfriends exactly how you described. It’s interesting, most of my adult life I didn’t know she is a narc. But I was constantly confused by what was wrong with her so to speak. I care for her deeply and I’d say we do try to have a decent relationship because we’ve been through a lot coming from an abusive childhood...but man I gotta be honest. If we weren’t sisters, we’d NEVER be friends. I appreciate you sharing 💕
Is anyone else realizing they're completely surrounded by narcs?
Funny today I was thinking it’s like “wack-a-mole” no offense to the mole. Maybe that game could use a name change... 😂😂
Hahaha, yes. It's been an eye opener, that's for sure.
Um, yeah.
OMG SAME. LEGIT IM STARTING TO BELIEVE IM PARANOID. SO SO WEIRD.. I REALISED, SILENTLY, THAT ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DATING A BUNCH OF NARCS and I can see it. One of them is three years in. She's been discarded and "hoovered" many time the last three years. Shes recently had an argument with him. New, having it experienced myself and healing from it, I told her nicely and firmly all I think the problem is.
She told him I'm looking too much into things and was DEFENDING HIS, CLEARLY , MANIPULATIVE THINGS SHE HAD DINET TO HER. SHES AT THE STAGE WHERE SHES EMPTY WITHOUT HIM. SHE NEEDS SERIOUS HELP, BUT I LIVE IN UK AND SHES IN ITALY...so so fucked up.
I was but went no contact for the last 4 years from everyone of them.
As an empath I’m crying. This has been the last 3 years of my life. I had no idea this was a thing. He did tell me all of these sad stories about him very early on in our relationship. I was so happy because I felt I was put into his life to help him and show him true love. I recently broke things off with him. I struggled with it for months. I finally was able to see him for who he truly was, and I was simply added to the long list of people who has abandoned him. It really struck a cord with me when you said “at least he’s not cheating” that was the only thing he wasn’t doing. Not good enough. These people are very subtly evil. If you blink too fast, you’ll miss it. Thank you so much for these videos!
I was there now 2 years and Dr. Ramani. I am a NARC DEFLECTOR and I call them out on the first date. No more hurt or toxic relationship for me. I choose my peace ☮️ then be with any narcissist again
same... but he did cheat a loot :P
Poor baby, I feel empathy for you right now. You deserve better
You are a kind and beautiful soul
@@Pinkpilatesprincesss aww, don’t feel empathy. The things that I have learned about myself as a result of this relationship has changed me for the better. Things I struggled with like boundaries, people pleasing, and having too much empathy for others to my detriment, in every aspect of my life. I no longer struggle with anymore as a result of this relationship. I understand that people are where they are and they have the power to change that, not me. I have power to fix, help, and save myself. I don’t think this relationship happened to me, I feel it happened for me. This was a transformative for me. Sometimes I forget that, and I get angry, but the person I was before I met him, I can never be her again. I’m sorry she went through that, but she needed it.
My therapist asked me: isn't it exhausting to deal with someone who is always offended and defensive about everything you say?
That helped me to snap out of it.
Plus when she pointed out that he was always blaming me for everything to play the victim. Once you see it you can't unsee it.
I was someone who believes in self improvement so I was wondering where he might have been right not where he might have been wrong in his accusations.
But it gets silly when he in the same conversation blames me for everything and then accusing me for always blaming him just because I wanted him to change specific (verbally abusive) comminucation patterns so we could resolve issues. It opened my eyes that he is not capable of that.
I was always the bad guy, then somehow in the discard he makes it like I always made him the bad guy. I got whiplash trying to wrap my head around that one.
Once you see something you can't unseen it. Very wise words. Came too the same conclusion. Once you know something you can't unknow it. Hope you are well on the road to recovery. Good luck
Once you see it, you cant unsee it. Truer words never spoken...
@@evelynhoward8325 It is good to be awake!
Understanding how covert abuse plays out is key to preventing it from happening to you.
The abuser wants to trap you in an abuse cycle and keep you confused and second guessing everything.
That is how "you" stay stuck and that is also how you provide their narcissistic supply.
Do not let this happen!
Stay vigilant!
Have boundaries and self-worth because that keeps toxic people out!
Exact same story for me! So many confusing blamegames. I was eager for my own self improvement, he avoids doing his own (unless it's a show for instagram). Signing my divorce paperwork tomorrow!
“The type to sit at home, sullen and depressed and mock those who take chances, but never take chances themselves” my god, you hit the nail on the head. My past two ex-boyfriends. They tried to destroy me. NEVER AGAIN.
Same here, if I ever get love bombed again I'm ducking for cover.
I was raised by a grandiose narcissist and a covert narcissist. They messed me up. I married and moved to another country. Took me a lot years to start healing. I also recognized many narcissistic traits in myself. It took a lot of work on being a better person. It's very painful to know that sometimes I act like them.Everything Dr. Ramani said is spot on.
Hello love, thank you for sharing a part of your story and Im so glad and proud of you for healing and being able to get to a better place. I had a question for you, was there anything in particular that made you self reflect and find out you had these qualities as well?
@@fallyhally1234 @X O Thank you for your kind words. I can share something very specific: my parents, especially my father, believed that we,as a family,are "different" and "special". We were raised and thought that we are better then the rest, but at the same time they would always criticize or berate us. Throughout my life there were instances where I would feel like the world owes me something, that I am entitled to success, respect, love, acceptance and at the same time I was feeling worthless and insecure, because it was expected from me to be "perfect", but because I was not, my father would be disappointed in me. Instead of teaching me to work hard for success, to be kind to people,he thought us that the world owes us everything. It's hard to explain. At times I could be very arrogant or very intimidated by other people's beauty or success. I don't believe I am a narcissist, I believe that I was thought to behave that way, because that's all I knew. Over the years I have learned that I am not "special" and that I need to work hard in order to gain success and respect. I have been consciously trying not to act or think like my parents. Next step is forgiving them. That's the hardest part.
Keep it up ... you are a wonderful person, you are not them!
Same here. I'm still living with my grandiose narc father and covert narc mother. It gets harder n harder. With my father it's clear I can't handle him so stay stealth with him. But my mother im keep on falling for her covert depression. I sympathize her and try to help her and then she throws me down and hurts me like hell. The most scary thing is this behaviour is fine if that's a parent. They're just doing for our benefit. Im tired and burnt out.
same here, I feel for you :*
I feel like most narcissists are this type. They are professional victims. Can't rise above, jealous of people who succeed, dismiss your achievements. The truth is some of us work harder and take risks instead of partying or watching tv. Miserable and drag others down. Everything is unfair and the odds are always stacked against them because of this, that, and the other thing.
I was in a relationship with someone like that for almost 2 years... I wanted to "save" him. I saw so much potential in him since the beginning, and I never lost hope that my love could heal him and make him better. But it didn't. Things just kept getting worse. I'm so glad that I found the strength to leave him. These videos were really helpful and still are, they remind me that I've made the right choice.
congrats hon! Im so sorry that you had to go through that to learn though. Keep going, don't let yourself get baited, it will get better!
hang in there bro
Me too 😭❤️
Ugh, can relate. I'm such a rescuer, and I'm finally learning it's not my job to rescue people who don't appreciate it anyway.
How did you leave him ??? I’m a guy also dating one and just found out a year and a half later ....he wants to go fuck other people I guess ... like I’m not doing that ... apart of me wants to just block everything or I dk if I should do it person for dumping
20 years of being married to a covert has made me feel miserable and guilty for being a regular, happy person that I was. I am exhausted with what I have slowly turned into. I want to go home, to being who I always was.
I hear you. It's a long road, but keep going, you'll get there.
A I 😞Wow, I know this feeling all to well. It’s almost like they rob you of you
@@vikkipollard2638 💛🌟thank you
@@cristyluv1205 thank you 💛🌟
A1, very touching, you wanting to go home.
Now, see if I knew you I’d want to come and give you a lift but you’ll have to save yourself. 😂
It's horrible having a covert narcissist for a mother. I was always trying to help her, becoming her 'psychiatrist' as a child. Being around her is like drowning, it's made worse by the fact that her narcissism is so hard to detect.
Same here. 😩
drowning is so accurate
Yes!
Same here. She has always been a single mum and is on the extreme scale of covert narcissism.
@@ellechantel3822 I'm so sorry. My story is much the same. I hope you are able to heal from this.
My dad was a covert narcissist. Dr Ramani hit the nail on the head: my family of course knew there was something deeply wrong with him but we weren’t sure what exactly it was. We always thought he had anger management issues and alcohol dependence. But it was so much more than that. He was a painfully mediocre person and I think he couldn’t accept it so he judged the entire world harshly, assumed the worst about people including his own wife and kids, was so smug and thought his shit didn’t stink, and would fly off the handle at the slightest hint of criticism. We treated him like a king, but outside of us he was a loser with no social skills and no friends. He was an adult child and we had to manage his temper tantrums like a toddler. He sulked like a 5 year old when he didn’t get his way or if we said something he didn’t like. Where he got the idea that he should be admired and respected by the world without doing a single thing to earn it is beyond me. Oh and we can’t forget the two-faced persona: the friendly, smiling, funny, helpful face in public but as soon as the cameras turned off he would morph back into the sulky temperamental monster he really was. I can count on one hand how many times I saw him smile or laugh with us. A covert narcissist in a nutshell.
Sounds exactly like my ex husband unfortunately.. It took me years to figure it out. Thank God I got myself and my kids out of that house.. we are doing amazing now but I feel sorry for my kids who have a deadbeat narcissist for a ”father”.
This is my husband. These are non human entities with no real personality or identity. They have to punish the ones closest to them for their own misery.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us!!! My family and I just released our shackles with my deeply covertly narcissistic father, and now at 22 years of age I am able to move on in full faith and confidence, knowing exactly how I’d like our life to be and knowing what exactly I need to stay away from!!! I plan to guide others wisely on their unique own paths, during the process… I still love my father, but the world must understand what is really out there!!! Thank you once again, and I wish you great peace and eternal satisfaction with your current networks and all of your future circumstances!!!✨
You are very good explaining them ❤
They don’t start out acting this way. In fact they are an entirely different person in the beginning. Yes, you will learn about their past and be saddened and horrified by what happened to them, but as you become closer they begin to store info on your life and eventually use it against you. Even years after you’ve left you can still feel badly for them.
In the beginning they are love bombing you, after they know they haved hooked you then the true person shows up and you are left wondering where the other person went.
This is so true and real. I found myself thinking "how cruel to make someone fall in love with somone that does not exist... it feels like murder"
Relatable. You still feel bad for them it's an incredibly tough task to leave one. Knowing they had a bad history. You feel like staying and helping and but it's too bloody much. It sucks the life out of you.
But omg this video is nearly spot on
likely the "feeling bad" for them is fabricated and their life is likely a complete and utter lie.
Mine was a hybrid. He was often petulant, angry and combative but he loved socializing. He could turn on the charm for others but would become argumentative on a dime especially with me.
Mine too.
Mine loved socializing as well. Always trying to steal the show at a party. If someone upstaged him - then he would criticize them to me for sympathy. Anytime we were around others he would overtalk me while slightly turning his back on me while speaking louder and louder... to drown me out, I guess.
Thats the typical behaviour...charming in public and sadistic behind closed doors
@@valeriehouse9283 that’s not a covert, covert’s aren’t social
@Laza Amafirin I said covert I said nothing about asocial.
I’ve been raised by narcissistic parents and listening to this vid made me realize I have some traits of covert narcissism - I was a golden child and scapegoat at the same time.
I'm really sorry, but you can build and have very healthy relationships! especially because you recognize the traits in yourself. don't let the pain they caused you spiral into all your other relationships, hon you will only end up more hurt, and worse, hurt people you care about. wishing you all the best luck and praying for you!
I also had traits of covert narcs. But i was the neglected child. My mom were covert narc herself. And now i have a grandiose narc wife. Actually a blessing, we dont have to wandering around destroying peoples. Just two of us, trying to manipulate each other. Now i just to make sure our two children wont become narc themselves.
I feel like no matter what you do you’ll get labeled a narcissist. Everyone is a narcissist to a degree. Protecting yourself isn’t narcissism, but if you impede on everyone else it is.
What does that mean for yourself? How are you going to live with yourself? Are you going to be okay..? :/
I also realised I inherited covert narc behaviours from my covert narc mum but finally gaining awareness is helping me deal with this and erradicating them. Admitting my erroneous attitudes and mindsets has been helping me build a healthier thought pattern and behaviours.
I have a female friend who comes off like this. She's not obvious with her traits, but she comes off like she's empathic, and she's not. She's extremely passive-aggressive and goes out of her way to disrespect people who are more educated or successful on certain subjects than she is. She is extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism and will not co-operate even if its for the betterment of a group because she doesn't like "being told what to do".
All I know is if you get an off feeling when you’re around them and you leave the situation feeling put down and kind of icky, it’s hard to explain, then they’re not people you want to be around, I’ve tried so hard to come around to my extended family and it just never happens, im over it
@katelynkivela6529 I did get that feeling, so I simply distanced myself. She calls me a lot but I really don't answer. I know if I try to explain what she does that bothers me, she'll just deny a gaslight, so I just ignore.
Attention you, yeah you, the one who needs to hear this.
You do not have to attend every fight you have been invited to
Needed to see this…thank you
Empath here. By the end of day ONE I knew all about his childhood pain, how he was abandoned by family and left homeless for years. I thought he just needed somebody to be there for him for once in his life. I learned It was never enough. Money, attention, sex, love , support. Never enough and the world was STILL out to get him. Managing his pain felt like I took on a 2nd job. I went from running on passion to running on patience. And then I was out of patience.
Literally same exactly this. And then he cheated on top of it because it wasn’t enough 💀 Mfs are the worst
@@lucasessman1910 ya.. cheating like so common trail btwn narc
@@lucasessman1910 Same. Being an empath to a covert narcissist, I can't put on words but it was exhausting. He even told me that he was so depressed that's why he needed to talk to other girls then he cheated with this new girl.
@@nicolecubacub9157 I hope you can heal from all the things which you have encountered! I wish that you are provided with immense strength!
@@mahek3017 I just got no contact this January because it's just too much. Thank you, I needed this right now... 🥺
The Law Of Diminishing Returns.
The more you do the less you get back.
Learned this the hard way.
Absolutely!!
Yes the divine law
Am I the only one who has had about 90% narcissists and abusers in their life?
I mostly cleared them out, but wow!!! Amazing how they smell a victim from a mile away.
I also, keep meeting new ones and gravitate naturally to them. However now I notice it fast and move on.
What a journey when u grow up in an abusive family.
I am very happy in my own company!!! 🌹🎄 one day I will partner in a healthy free relationship.
same sis, happy for us!!!
I agree. I grew up in an abusive family and my mother was a covert narcissist who hated me. It is amazing how people can sniff out victims
No me too. Literally both parents my aunt who i live with now and past relationships. It’s so tough because when it’s all your around it literally makes it so hard to not feel like the problem is you
Late 30s and finally made the connection that I had a narcissistic mom who thankfully died when I was young so no more damage from her.
Though because of her every long term relationship had the same type of energy in women. So it’s never too late to make the connection and make change.
Samee here ...I'm able to recognize them quickly now
“Their Entitlement and quiet rage floating just underneath the surface.” So true.
NOW I realize! I was ALWAYS EXHAUSTED in her presence. She literally sucked the actual life out of me.
Also, she was HYPERSENSITIVE to the slightest of criticism or any kind of comment that may have been contrary to anything she may have said or done.
let me guess.... she on the other hand was not afraid of putting others down?
My mom!
YESSSS! I know right! That is exactly what it feels like.
8 years in a relationship with a covert.......always tired, exhausted, fat, low on self esteem, feeling inadequate, and just feeling plain stupid as well. Saved by a combination of luck, strength of will, family and this lady,Dr.Ramani. bless her soul!
Kills me to think there are people who want to destroy you and your personality for no reason...just for their supply. Hope DrRamani's videos keep reaching people who need them!
@Miss Gönen - that's tough to hear. Hope u can find a way to make him/her watch one of Dr.ramani's videos randomly,it may spark some self preservation.
Wow you just described my situation..
I was in a ten year relationship with a covert narc and it's going to take me a while to recover. I lost everything.
@@jeannie3236 @@jeannie3236 - you know whatever anyone says, the damage is a lot. But only thing I can say is to celebrate the time out from the hell it must have been. And breathe the air of freedom and normalcy. The hurt never really goes, but boy, life does look up. Sending you all positivity 👍
I am not sure they do it on purpose, they just lack the mechanisms to not do it. A lot of it is automatic. They would have to unlearn/undo and rebuild all core beliefs, everything about themselves to be closer to healthy. Its too hard.
A covert narcissist may respond in a variety of ways when discovered, depending on the particular circumstance and the person. When their behavior is criticized, a covert narcissist may occasionally become aggressive or defensive and reject or abdicate responsibility for their actions. They might try to gaslight the person who exposed them by getting them to doubt their own sense of truth or perspective. Narcissists frequently employ this strategy to keep control of the relationship. In other situations, a covert narcissist could act more violently or aggressively in an effort to retake control or establish dominance. They could try to control or intimidate the person who has exposed them, or they might lash out with abusive language or actions. A covert narcissist may also retreat or isolate themselves if their actual nature is discovered. They might make an effort to separate themselves from the person who exposed them or try to avoid any sort of conflict. Being masters of manipulation, narcissistic people frequently possess a special ability for charm, which allows them to get away with manipulating others. They might be able to beguile people into believing they are not actually narcissists and convince them that they are to blame. The process of exposing a covert narcissist may be extremely taxing and even dangerous, so it’s vital to keep that in mind. It’s crucial to exercise prudence and have a solid support network in place, including friends, family, and a therapist. You can process your experience and develop a strategy for dealing with the circumstance in a secure and healthy manner with the aid of a therapist or counselor. Additionally I hired a private detective Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
Discovered? Jesus Christ. I'm not buried treasure.
"At least he's not cheating." --- He's cheating alright.
YES, my ex-wife had this righteous attitude whenever I questioned her about her whereabouts and seemed jealous of her. After the divorce (she left), I found phone records of unknown men she constantly talked to for the last 11years out of the 15 years we were together. The last affair was “what she called a online affair” when she got into BDSM reading. How foolish was I.
@@mrleomich Hope you heal WTF ♥️♥️
My husband’s favorite quote is from the Marx Brothers: “I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member.” After 40 years it has dawned on me that he doesn’t want to be married to anyone who would have him as a husband.
Swhat I’m thinkin. I thought maybe he devalued me because I was with him.
Sadly, I relate. Along that same thought is the quote,
"An object, once in possession, seldom retains the charm it had in pursuit. "
@@tmo.48 I had the same thought. My narc acted like she couldn't be worth much. Low self esteem,hope it wasn't for being with me. One of us has a serious problem, becomes both. How did I get here?
Greg Henderson -I don’t believe that it was because she was with you. Some people just have low self esteem and they usually are narcissistic in the fact that they are mesmerized by your self confidence and try and play with it whether subconsciously or not. Their brains are definitely wired differently
@@tmo.48 Thanks. 15 years and I just found out why all the conflict and discarding and other insanity.
I'd been watching these vids for about six or eight months. There was quite a lot that explained my situation, but a lot didn't jibe. I had to be sure about a thing of this magnitude. Then along came a video about the covert. No more blanks. How did I not see this sooner. The waste is monumental.
I was friends with a covert narcissist, when asked for empathy it really was like trying to bleed blood from a stone. And she loved to judge other people behind their backs; she would act sweet and shy to their faces but then turn to me snickering. The only time I saw glee in her was when she would make fun of someone's music tastes because only the music she liked was worth listening too. Someone's fashion choices because of course her choices were masterfully better. And don't even get me started on lunch time, "Oh, that's what you are going to eat?" Then when it came time to pay up, "Say let's go 50/50-" even though what she chose was more expensive and she got the soda and I would drink water. And when I had the gall to bring it up she would say, "Gee, sorry I know how bad you are with math." And I put up with it for a really long time. I would stop communicating with her and then she would somehow lure me back in. But, since her last judgemental lecture I have not spoken to her for about five years. I finally said that I think she is miserable and lonely and that I felt sorry for her and she never replied back afterwards. It was messed up. Keep your garden weed free; she was definitely a weed disguised as a flower.
Hang in there. Many things we think of as "weeds" were just plants planted in the wrong places. As long as she is far away from your life you shouldn't worry about such things. Five years is a long time to be stewing about something if you weren't at fault.
Snittykitty, thanks for sharing your story. Knowledge is power! 💪🏼
No empathy! and it's so confusing, how can someone so seemingly emotional and sensitive have no empathy.
Been there. Wow!!
OMG! I just realised... I used to be friends with someone.. who... well, she's a good person actually.. she would make sure to pay me properly for everything. She didn't take advantage of people in terms of money but... she would judge people.. Like.. I had sat down many times with her and explained that the world doesn't have a grudge against her and she just needs to take a chill pill and have more confidence?
But she would repeat it again and again. She'll make faces when others give feedback. She'd blame people for not listening to her ideas cause they hate her when in reality, she happened to pitch a few bad ideas. It never ended. It was a cycle. And always the self-pity trope..
I just stopped being friends with her. I gave up and stopped feeling guilty about not being there for her anymore.
"At least he's not cheating on me," but then he finally did and that's what opened my eyes to his true nature.
Married to one nearly 24 yrs; he has a wonderful gift of sucking the life out of me. NC is the best solution. Thank you Dr.Ramani for your info. It's priceless.
Their victimhood means “everything is your fault!”
My mom is definitely a different kind of narcissist but I definitely learned covert narcissism from her. I decided NOT to let that define me and spent a long time training myself out of it and I'm so much happier for it. There's always hope.
What did you do to train yourself out of it? I’m kinda freaked out right now because I can see many of the traits in me.
@@hzonn6925 a narcissist wouldn’t be concerned about coming off as a narcissist. You aren’t one. Narcissist don’t self reflect
@@CeCe-os3ul Exactly, they never look inward. They don't delve deeper into things, their shallow.
Omg, i’m just starting the same journey, i hope it turns out well.
@@CeCe-os3ul but what if she actually is a narcissist and now thinks she's not because she "self reflected"? Remember, narcissists are good at convincing themselves that nothing is wrong with them. An actual narcissist would read your comment, " self reflect", and convince themselves they aren't a narcissist because they self reflected.
The grandiose narcissist was easy to figure out, but the covert one took me a while to figure out. This video hits the nail on the head!! 🤕
Cover narcissist is the most charming of all at the bigini...incredible love bombing and incredible desire to agree with you in everything.... spend some more time with them and you will see the little monster in them..
Facts
Well said I understand 100% of what you're saying
You've explained it to the T this is exactly what happened to me
It's worse when it's the first glimpse of "love" you ever had. Often you forget how awful they are.
But the funny thing is no matter how hard they try, they don’t make me feel connected, like a wall sitting between them and me. Even in my head I will think it’s nice of them, but in my heart even I try to do it out of guilt, I can’t connect with them, it was bothering me, but later when their mask falls, I realize why.
I was learning from other videos that covert narcissists were very charming and sweet. While manipulating and underhanded. The social skills being very good as they charm people to think they are sweet and good people.
Exactly right. And they're also backstabbers.
My narc is covert; Never satisfied and complains about everything. The relationship felt like watching life get sucked right out of me, slowly but steadily. I'm glad I got out. Fresh air at last. The hoovering and smearing is boundless, but who cares? Life has never been better for me!
Yes, I felt like the life in me was getting sucked out! Good for you for getting out!
Oh, I felt the same! I convinced myself to break up with him by sending myself messages to remember how I am looking forward to freedom because it is such a messed up process where you can easily forget what you want and succumb to what the other wants.
Ahhh yes, the smearing! I finally got up the strength to leave him after 20 years of abuse. He threatened to 'go nuclear' if I told anyone the truth of all his perversions and lies. So now he plays the victim to everyone, has completely twisted the truth and lied about everything that really happened. Even had a 'mental break'. I'm the 'bad one' but whatever, I'm free and healing more and more everyday. Love and strength to all survivors! 💓
Seeing this video both scares me and helps me to realize just how far I've come in healing my own covert narcissism. I'm so glad I got a hold of myself and worked through this stuff because I was on a very bad path.
Proud of youuu❤❤❤
I won’t give you validation as you’re probably over that part of the style but I do send you a warm hug and wish you well! ❤
@@manueladimova2459 This is the most thoughtful and insightful response I've received, and I greatly appreciate it! I wish you well too in your walk of life! :)
I just identified this in myself. Could you tell me how you did it or are doing it? Did you also seek therapy?
@@anonymousbee Absolutely! Your self-awareness is the first, but arguably the most important, step. And I want to recognize the courage it takes to do that, because we have so much shame surrounding our authenticity. So I want you to know I'm proud of you, because this isn't easy, and even recognizing it in yourself is the beginning of your journey to healing.
So I'll start backwards. No, I didn't seek therapy for three reasons: 1) I find that therapists struggle with personality disorders and often deem them untreatable (and for good reason), 2) I didn't want someone putting thoughts in my head or words in my mouth, and 3) I wasn't allowed to seek any therapy that wasn't based in a Baptist church. I was still living at home, where my narcissistic, paranoid mother was constantly up my ass about whatever stupid thing about me she was paranoid about, and I would've been grilled about where I'd been. My dad tried to intervene where he could, but he was only one person. I didn't want to deal with all of that, so I did this on my own.
Where I started (which will likely be different for you, but hopefully with enough overlap to be relevant) was identifying that I didn't want to turn out like my mother, and this fueled me to undo every toxic behavior I displayed. If I noticed an action that was wrong, I would stop myself and ask myself why I did it. I developed the skill of introspection, and I began tracing the behaviors to emotions, and from emotions to trauma. I exhibited a tremendous amount of anger towards myself, so that exercise in itself was one of the most helpful that I put myself through.
What ultimately allowed me to heal was moving out and about 3 hours north so I could really start developing my own sense of self (narcissistic parents rob you of that). But even before that, I began really identifying which parts of me were me, and which parts weren't. It started as simply as my favorite colors and animals, and working up to my interests, my sexual orientation, my long-term goals, and my vocational aspirations. The bigger stuff really only came after I moved away because I didn't have my mom's influence over me all the time.
Presently, I allow myself to feel and don't shame myself for it the way my mom used to. When I first started allowing my emotions, it was like I couldn't turn them off, so I would make sure to be at home when I did any emotional work. This stabilized over time. I recognize emotions as gifts from God and part of being made in his image. I undid a world of trauma surrounding emotions, and this was easily the biggest part of healing. My empathy pathway resolved itself through this process.
I know this is a lot, and I apologize for the length of this response. I want to make sure you have tangible things to work with, so I'll call it here, but if you have any more questions, feel free to ask! I hope this helps! :)
You re describing my 30 years relationship with my husband . I am divorcing him , i feel better but i am completly isolated and alone.
Mounia MAMEN,you deserve better
I made it out; you can, too.
38 years of my life!
Having seen his dark side and how he could just chew people into shreds (ie; a rabid pit bull with a bunny in his mouth). I was so afraid of having that rage directed at me! So, I made a plan and hours after he caught a flight, I was on another one, headed the opposite direction. Make sure you have a great attorney!
@@donnacox6547 tragic
Inner Work by R. A. Johnson has some great rituals for healing in it, it is a book, it has helped me, I recommend taking a look at it. Thanks for posting. Peace
Me too! He quickly, before we were even divorced, found a mail order bride who worships him.
Seems to me they swing back and forth to fulfill their evil needs. They enjoy playing people. But in the end they have played themselves.
Misty Lynn, I knew one who thought she was very clever, but every attempt to dupe others led her to shoot herself in the foot! It was almost humorous to watch it happen. It was a workplace experience. 🤪
One broke up with me in April. I'm thanking God.
Same...6y ago. After many years of not praying, i came to God exhausted, didnt know what to do...but then he called me (lg distant at that time), we chatted normally and i said smthg harmless of no consequence, but he was massively irritated and broke up w me. 3 weeks later he wanted to ger back but i said no. Thank GOD🥶🙏🏽🙏🏽
Good for you, mine just did the same and everyone is telling me how sorry they are for this having ended. I just grin and tell them it's a really good thing. I'm free and so much more aware of myself and dangerous types of people to be around. Hurts but I'm improving daily.
So blessed
My mother is such a pity-party victimizer. And when I was growing up we argued about everything, and I was always blamed. She often gaslighted me by saying that she wanted to give me self-esteem but on the other hand was always criticizing me and putting me down. As for passive-agressiveness? My mother is a queen. She also expected me, a child, to take care of her emotionally. I always thought it was me, but now I’m realizing it was her, a covert narcissist.
sounds exactly like my childhood
How did you know about my mother??
Same here, she had me wearing, thinking feeling doing what she wanted. She doesn't value who I am rather whom she wants me to be. She wanted an enmeshed mini me
This is the first time I have ever left a comment on a RUclips video in my life but, Dr.Ramani, I hope that you realise how important your videos are to people like myself. I was in a relationship with exactly the person that you describe - it brought me to tears to have you explain the manipulation, gaslighting, and hypocritical victimisation so succinctly. For a long time during my relationship, I blamed myself and the guilt ate at me so that I stayed with the covert narcissist for much too long - I wanted to be the one person that did not let him down. Now I realise that is impossible and that I was just another temporary source of validation. You are truly an inspiration and I deeply appreciate what you do.
I completely agree! So important!!!
So true about being the one person who didn't want to let him down...that's the Empath in all of us victims
She really is!!! 💯💗💗💗
Hi I just wondered how you were doing a year on?
@@cathyvincent637 Hi Cathy! Very sweet of you to ask. It’s now been 4 years since we broke up and it took quite a while to regain my sense of self. I think it was about 2 years later that I fully felt that I had accepted that I was not to blame, and that I am a worthy person! I think the hardest part was regaining trust in my own ability to choose partners, and being hyper aware of “red flags” or anything that reminded me of him when meeting potential partners. The last part I’m still working on but I’m so glad to say that I’m doing so much better than I thought I ever would when I was dating him! Trust in the process - you will heal! 💕
Covert Narcs are professional baiters. Once they've got the claws stuck in, that's when the professional victim comes out and stays out.
They're people looking for help, not love...
@@kalalakapay That resonates so strongly with me just now. Boy did I help. But when I offered love, I got dumped.
Kalala Kapay So true!
callalilly1988 So true! They don’t want love and understanding, they just want the attention 🤨
Kalala Kapay they want the attention and focus. Help would require change and they don’t want that at all!
Your frequent adjective "DISMISSIVE" is a real eye opener for me. My 4-year relationship recently ended and I often complained to him that I felt dismissed ...& that he was often dismissive in many ways/situations. Made me feel that I wasn't seen, heard or worthy of his acknowledgement. thankful for your wisdom that you share!
That's how I feel ALL the time! The only time I am not dismissed is when I do something that is beneficial in some way :(
Yup. I have a graduate degree in healthcare. Yet, I am just the stupid wife and have no credibility with any topic. I will NEVER be on his level.
A B you deserve to be respected by being heard and seen. You are worthy!!
Jen you are so much above his level!! You deserve to be respected!
you are LITERALLY changing my life right now. I can't believe how long I have gone without this knowledge.
Nothing is ever their fault . Spot on with the victim , hypersensitive and passive aggression .
I know someone diagnosed with BPD who is like this .
I have a hard time separating borderline personality disorder from this.
@@steggopotamus Do you know what is the difference pleased ? Because I personally don't.
@@Lingatsu since i originally commented, I have learned a bit more.
There is one presentation of borderline personality disorder that has a lot of correlation with narcissistic traits. Otherwise most expressions of BPD are self directed. There will still be *some* emotional manipulation, and they can still be very triggering to someone like me with a hisyory of veing abused by someone with BPD
Resentful & always “hurt”
Professional victims
Miserable people/ dump them!!
My mother is like this, it has been a nightmare, I’m the scapegoat, sometimes I feel like I hate Her, and I’m really just sad I’m never ever going to really meet her.
Melina Ruiz (sigh)😞.... wow, your comment immediately brought tears to my eyes. I am and I think every single word here.... it’s absolutely devastating
Dana Alexander I’m nice to her but honestly I don’t love her, I’m just grateful she gave me life but, she never loved me, and has only criticized everything I’ve ever done, she’s really done a lot of damage, I don’t love her, I can’t, she’s too abusive.
Cristy Luv feel you! Send love and joy please know that you are enough! More than enough! Always have always will!!
Melina Ruiz I do hate mine. I’ve been no contact for 3 years and it’s been the best.
Melina Ruiz if she’s a covert narcissist like my mother then there is nobody to meet. Just a broken person from childhood.
For me, the covert narcissist comes across as a people pleaser. They like to be in the spotlight to get the validation that they crave for, as other narcissists but at the same time, they pretend to be humble, simple, generous, over giving. The covert narcissist will take time to build a relationship/friendship with you. During this period, they will show their admiration and their devotion by helping you with everything that is you need. They will try to convince you that you are soulmates and that they understand you deeply. At the same time, you will see them being overly altruistic, maybe helping society by engaging in charities, activism. They feed the poor, take care of the homeless. All this makes you think how lucky you are for having met such a beautiful soul. You want to be by their side for ever. However, soon you notice how much they enjoy being invited in galas to talk about their achievements. But they don’t admit that. They still play the humble guy who doesn’t want all this. Who is beyond money, beyond fame and recognition, who wants to share the floor with other people. But their acts don’t match their words. You come to realise that this selfless soul is actually doing whatever it takes to be in the centre of attention. When you do something together be it at work or at home, they want to control everything about it. They just exerce their control in a more polite and implicit way, making you believe that your voice was heard whereas in reality you did what they wanted you to do. Covert narcissists have a smooth way of leading you on. They don’t shout, they don’t give orders. They are master actors. They convince you that you are together in this. What makes them a narcissist is that when the time comes for them to use you in order to draw certain benefits, they will do it without a second thought and you are not going to believe in your eyes. And when you stand up for yourself and raise your voice against them calling them for their phony identity, then you will see their rage for the first time and the mask will fall. Covert narcissists manipulate less with rage/exhibiting superiority and more with people pleasing behaviour/playing the eternal victim. They are not aggressive as overt narcissists. They are more cunning. What they both have in common is self-centered ness and lack of empathy. In the case of coverts, it will take you longer to find out.They knew what they wanted to get out of you from the beginning. They created a whole theatre play to fool you about who they are and their true motives. You will trust them with all your heart but when the time comes for them to prove their loyalty by choosing your bond over their personal gain, they will choose the latter with no remorse, without even taking any responsibility. Unlike the overt narcissist, they will have an eloquent excuse for doing so, rationalizing why they had to f@ck you over. They will pretend to be sorry about it because this is something that matches the image of modesty that they want to project but in reality they are not sorry at all. You will see them partying with your own money when they said they didn’t have enough to pay you back. You will see them being unfair and untrustworthy to other people as well. When the mask of the victim will fall, you will see the cruel smile of a perpetrator who managed to get what they want without deserving it. If you decide to unmask them run for your life. Additionally, The unwavering support and dedication demonstrated by Metaspyhub@gmail. com have been pivotal in my journey to uncover the painful truth surrounding my partner's infidelity. From the moment I first reached out to them, their professionalism and unwavering commitment to assisting me in finding the answers I desperately sought were readily apparent and highly commendable. Through their swift action and meticulous investigation, They presented me with compelling evidence that left no room for doubt. Armed with this newfound knowledge, I confronted my cheating partner with newfound courage, reclaiming my self-worth and paving the way for a future filled with renewed hope. Throughout this emotionally challenging process, Metaspyhub's expertise and unwavering support served as a constant source of strength, offering invaluable guidance and empathetic understanding when I needed it the most. I am profoundly grateful for their unwavering assistance, as it has empowered me to move forward with unwavering determination and newfound resilience.
This is it
So on point!
I think you’re describing a sociopath.
I worked for a non-profit mission driven company run by people you have exactly described.
Narcissists aren't robots. Our actions are based on reactions. So what did you do to cause the change in behavior? I'll treat a woman like a god until I become second fiddle. Then I'm out. I'm not here for your entertainment. If you're not as dedicated about our relationship as I am, then adios.
With the CN, it is not just the negative things they bring to the table, it is the positive things they are incapable of: authenticity, true intimacy which requires vulnerability, reciprocity, compassion, empathy and self-reflection toward consistent change. It is a vast wasteland to live in and try to repair.
So well stated. Having a CN for a parent is like having a hole in your heart from all the positive things they were incapable of creating in the relationship.
This blows...20 years in. I realize now that I clung to him after my horrific childhood, and he just picked up where they left off. After my heart attack and stroke, his mask FELL OFF COMPLETELY! His, now, financial control of me, just makes him worse. Im praying and planning escape. Wish me luck!
You can do this!
@Western Alliance. Thank you. Im trying. So sick of his constant insults, degrading me from my hair, to LITERALLY my spirit. Disgusting!
Good Luck :]
Seek the Truth; stay strong!
I hoped you escape!!
Do you have any family?
Do get out because they never change.
You were targeted because you are a tender hearted person and because you were set up by your parents, you were vunerable!
Narcs look for people who have low self-esteem and weak boundaries that they can manipulate.
Good luck to you!!!!
You can do it! Make a plan, you might need to start small but it's worth it. I just got out of our co-owned house the week before the world went nuts! I really didn't think I could, I was so worn down. I prayed and prayed for the energy, motivation and strength to get it ready to sell and go through that whole stressful process(all by myself)and I'll just say, I know with 100% certainty my prayers were answered because I still don't know how I got everything done!! I pray you figure it out and find the strength within yourself, it's there, whether you believe it or not! Sending you much love!💗
You just described my dad, Dr Ramani. It was excruciating growing up listening to his holier than thou sermons, disdain for everyone who did better than him and entertaining his never ending pity parties. He always had a group of enablers around him who lapped up all his chicanery, whom he used as instruments to pressure me into being his doormat. He operated as a passive bully. No one saw through him till the end.
At least they saw him in the end, that’s what everyone on the receiving end wishes for. Not to negate or invalidate your experience but at least it was validating for others to finally see what you experienced over your life. Validation at last 💪🏼🥳
Phoenix Rising... 💪🏼😊
6:44 YES! Never satisfied, never content! Criticism, complaining, contempt, anger, dismissiveness, frustration. They complain about EVERYTHING. It’s a miserable experience to be around, especially because they chronically view themselves as victims! It’s very heavy and dark and morose. This is my mom. The passive aggressiveness and hyper-sensitivity felt like torture. She lashes out at how unfair the world is but when I would give advice it was just met with rage. Super hyper sensitive to any criticism. It was always “the world is against me” and filled with chronic arguing. She is so judgemental and everyone owes them.
"they make life miserable" so true.
ALL narcissists make life miserable no matter what type they are!
You explained my narcissistic ex and our entire relationship so well, it’s almost like you knew us personally. We had such an unhealthy relationship, yet I always excused his behavior for one reason or another. He got angry so easily, it was scary. And, it was like he actually enjoyed being angry. It was such weird behavior. I couldn’t understand why someone would intentionally make themselves mad. Then, I noticed that his anger made him feel like he was right and everyone else was somehow flawed. That’s when I realized he really was a covert narcissist. He was able to hide it so well, but I witnessed a side of him that few people ever saw. And, it was so emotionally and physically draining, I felt depleted of all my energy by the time I got home. I still don’t know why I subjected myself to that toxicity. It’s not healthy.
I'm out!!! 13 years and feel good alhamdolliah. Do you believe they could have ever been happy? I think it's impossible
Fari I doubt covert narcissists could ever be truly happy. What’s worse is when they blame you for their misery and start turning people against you. Suddenly, you’re the bad guy and you have proven that the world is against them. It’s best to leave before that happens. I speak from experience...
@@naseemm2930 Another comment validating my experience. The emotional depletion was just extreme.
Their ability to get angry so quickly is truly scary. I had never experienced anything quite like it. Reminds me of trying to pet and abused dog only to have your hand bit. You can approach them in the most sincere, affectionate manner you could possibly conjure only to have them fly into a fit of rage. When it happened to me I thought she was playing some sick joke on me for about half a second. Then I realized she was totally serious. You're forced into a lose lose situation where you did nothing wrong and nothing you say or do will remedy the situation. I find with healthy people situations like this simply don't happen and if it ever does happen the person almost immediately apologizes and recognizes their behavior. My narc sounded delusional and completely out of touch with reality. Insisting that I was "questioning her honesty" when I asked if everything was okay. It made me wonder what must have happened in her past life for her to have such hypersensitivity and to immediately assume she was being attacked. These are simply defensive mechanisms they have formed over the years that are turned up to 11 resulting in erratic, impulsive behavior that is completely disproportionate to the situation at hand.
Witnessed a side that no one else ever saw is an excellent description
I am a covert narcissist, though not as severe as the worst case given here. And I'm also a lot better than I used to be. And it's not all that I am. I can see the ridiculousness of my narcissistic reactions and accept them when they are pointed out to me. I wasn't always like that. I certainly don't think the world is against me, I know everything is down to me and my attitudes.
I'm dating you in a sense. And no, you're still just as bad. Sorry.
You're not based on your statement. You just have narc tendencies.
@@iluminet That's certainly not an okay thing to say. There is a very distinct difference between the narcissist that acts on their impulses and emotions and projects their inner life on reality with conviction and anger, as any narcissist does, and someone that merely possesses the inner life of a covert narcissist. At its core, narcissism is rooted in deep insecurity and a level of denial that is larger than their will to self reflect. OP doesn't sound like an actual narcissist from their words.
Take me as an example, I was raised by three deeply narcissistic, one even psychopathic, parental figures. I am still very young and in the process of detaching myself from the deeply abusive family I was born into. As a result, I identify with many of the vulnerable, narcissistic characteristics of thinking because I have severe PTSD and depression, and have practically no ego and sense of self or self worth, but a plethora of traumatic triggers. If someone criticizes me I believe they want to see me die right there, and it's not because I believe I am larger than life, it's because I lived two decades in that reality. It is easy to believe that you don't need to put in work, for example, if no work you have ever put in has been good enough. You can't make statements like the one you did without that context to a person if they are in active recovery. Please educate yourself more than that if you're trying to be successful in dating someone you believe to be narcissistic.
Good for you - you have to be brave to admit your own faults. At least you recognise your behaviour and are willing to change yourself 🌈
@@glittery8862 *yawn* I literally just spent a month and a half in mental hospitals because of a bunch of narcs. Today is my first day back home... and I almost didn't make it several times over. I'm a survivor... through and through... and I don't appreciate your tone. I will not read the rest of your comment, but I have a feeling that doesn't matter to you as much as getting thumbs up from others agreeing with you. Sorry, I don't swing with whatever the crowd likes... but oh so not sorry that I have a mind that is free of the hive mob mentality.
I am so very grateful to Dr. Ramani for making this series on covert/vulnerable narcissists. It's like she knows my former best friend personally...my jaw actually dropped as I listened because the behaviors she described were so damn relatable. Their chronic victimhood, their sheer helplessness, their entitlement, their validation seeking, their passive aggressive comments, their sullenness when they weren't being pandered to or given special attention...all of it. Spending time with this kind of person is just so draining. In my case, I was subjected to a never-ending monologue about their personal problems and past traumas to the point that I frequently ran out of things to say. Looking back, I was a textbook enabler...she spent so much time complaining about all of the cartoon villains in her life, and any attempt to understand the "villain's" perspective was met with so much hostility that I eventually just stopped and took her word at face value. Meanwhile, if the topic shifted to someone else, she either redirected it back to herself or straight up checked out of the conversation. She was not interested in other people's lives AT ALL and yet could not understand why people didn't want to be around her.
If anyone reads this, know that it's okay to step away from the narcissist's quicksand of negativity, judgment, and self-absorption. Don't let yourself become an enabler like I did.
Yes, I felt a lot of empathy for the covert neglectful narcissist for 6 years while he chose to stay married, but it never ever helped him, nor changed him. I felt my love and compassion could change him and make him happy. It only damaged me. He stayed the victim always and only gaslighted and ghosted me. Thank you for this video. 🙏🌻
Of everything you said - the concept of going absolutely CRAZY when it comes to critique or even perceived critique is what has clued me in the most. It's unreal the level of drama.
@RainbowDreams30 i pointd out my ex boyfriendsflaws and how he treated me wrong as a person. he looked at me scarcastically, said "i can't believe im liek this in your mind."
I had to come back and re listen to this right now!
The very best description of a covert narcassist I've heard. Spot on ! When my covert sister is telling a story, in the same story, she's the hero and the victim. It's weird! Everything is about them in a victim way. According to them, everyone has done them wrong. The boss, the family , the church, the spouse. The list never ends. And they really beleive they are the " misunderstood, special person."
The viciousness you speak about, I watch this in him all the time. Calling him out on his wrong doings brings out a somewhat deadly aggression.
I'm speechless... She's been describing my last relationship in every detail.... it only occurred to me he was a covert narcissist years after I left him (once he'd emptied my soul, heart and bank account to the point that I had to escape for dear life)... he was the best actor I have ever met. I was actually persuaded he wasn't a narcissist. These types of narcissists are extremely clever at manipulating you. The grandiose narcs are easy to spot, you just stick around for a bit because of all the excitement, but a covert narcissist can literally hold you hostage (mentally and physically) for years.
This is 100% accurate. I'm going through this currently!
@@jessewilson8938 Me too in recovery from this. I wish you so much healing.
I wish I knew what I know now. However I think my crazy experience with my narcissist bought me closer to God. You see I found myself praying all the time for him to be a better person. I learned I should have been praying for me to just be smarter
Oh yes, letting him know just how desperately we need him is, I guess, is a God send, struggle on, keep dosing yourself and win your sanity back, like it's too much to ask? Stay the course!
@J.L.W For sure. Protection and happiness both. :)
Thank u for saving me thousands in therapy. U nailed it. Run, dont walk from any narc whether its family or not. They are out to destroy anyone they can.
I’m an introverted narcissist. If you’d like to know more please read below.
First off I just want to say that if you have dealt with somebody like me I’m very sorry. I’m sure it sucks. Although IF IM BEING COMPLETELY honest, and if you listened to this video, no covert narcissist will feel bad about it. I simply don’t have that empathy.
I will not have kids as I don’t want to hurt anybody, nor have a long lasting relationship. Most likely anyways. The outlook is very grim. Anybody like me will probably hurt you and play the victim. As I have done.
I often blame my circumstances and play the victim. I’m never satisfied with what I get.
I’m over sensitive to criticism and don’t listen to suggestions.
And lastly I will never feel happy for somebody when they do something well deserving of an accomplishment. I simply lack that empathy.
If you believe somebody is a covert narcissist recommend therapy. To somebody in their life circle. They will most likely blame everybody else and do nothing about it.
All of this video is true by the way.
At the very least I’m aware of it and am undergoing therapy. I GENUINELY hope you don’t encounter somebody like me. At least I think. But at this point I question that feeling. It’s no fun. And I’m sorry.
Much love,
Jack
Jack you are my hero for going deeper into you and recognizing this, you are being more empathic and this message is an example. God bless you forever!
@Madula Damn I’m happy for you or sorry that happened
Jack, thank you very much for your comment, courage and dedication to work on yourself. It is indeed something we all could benefit from.
If you don't mind, besides therapy, is there anything one can do for a covert narcissist? To set them on the right path, to give them something to reflect upon. Anything really.
@@believers2012 no. It's bad for you. Do not engage.
I'm so sorry you feel like that about yourself. I hope you will realize you can be a better person.
24 years of this bs...and the true colors really show when you leave them. But now I’m learning to be me again. I feel as though I’m waking from a coma.
It is true that you don't see them clearly when you are with them, after you leave them you are in shock that you were in a coma for so long. 18 years of this madness, they are so sneaky, so kind, pride themselves in being so honest.
I think I just got discarded by a covert narcissist. The signs were there from the jump, looking back, but I kept telling myself I wasn't seeing what I was seeing.
It's like Dr Ramani knew this guy. It's sent chills down my spine. I am feeling so relieved though. I'm. also grateful for this video validating my experience. All this time I was aware of classic narcissism, telling myself I'd never fall for a guy like that. Now I know the covert narcissist is far deadlier. Ladies, stay sharp out there.
I was also just discarded by a covert narc. problem is i had no idea he as a covert narc while in the toxic relationship. i didn't realize until a few months after the discard. the signs are there but everything is so subtle that I rationalized it away. If I tried to talk to someone about it, they thought I sounded crazy because the things I noticed were so subtle that it appeared I was reading into everything. The relationship totally screwed me up. I was in cognitive dissonance (didn't realize it at the time) and riddled with anxiety.
@@leeannalynn55 is it me or do all covert narcs operate the same way? How are they all like this?? Reading your post made me feel as though I was reading my own thoughts! I too found out what he was months after it ended with him. Those who have not been through that traumatic experience simply don't understand how damaging it is.
I’ve NC for 7 months. Never ever would I have believed my ex was a narc... I had no idea there were “vulnerable”, “shy”, “covert” narcissists... until I saw his mask fall off completely... and saw an entirely different person. He even walked different.
You got discarded ? lucky you ! (It may hurt, but you were indeed lucky).
Oh yes.. these guys are pros. I still recall out first date, after I called the friend who set us up and I said. He’s good looking but kinda sad and dumb, I’m not sure if he’s the guy for me.. we worked together so I saw him the next day and wow! He was completely different, charming, funny. I chalked it up to a bad day but his darkness continued throughout our relationship. It was exhausting and made me very anxious. Strangest relationship I ever had, I’m out for a year now but it’s been the hardest one to get over. My mind has been so manipulated... I’m just starting to feel ok now but some damage has been done. It’s like I met the devil.
OMG I KNOW! Hardest one to get over for sure. I'm like 10 months out now, and I guess the hardest thing for me to come to terms with is that I put up with it! I knew he was toxic and narcissistic but I just kept "seeing the good in him". I literally watch these kind of videos every day still. It was always him so envious of everyone and the world did him wrong. blah blah blah. He discarded me after an AWFUL trip to Europe (that I paid for most of) over text. A 36 year old man.
For both of you - forgive yourselves first. You didn’t know. Meeting someone through a friend feels safer but lots of them are hiding. Now you know and will know what red flags not to ignore.
Thank you!!!!! Going through a divorce right now so grateful to be out. Still healing!!! Thank you
This is such an accurate video, seriously, if you get a glimpse of these traits rather please run like hell - it gets worse as the years go by. They go from being this almost humble good guy with a hard luck story to being the most self centred nasty individual you might ever meet. As always, top class video Dr Ramani
7:40 they also might sight, do things loudly (for ex.: wash the dishes banging things a lot and loudly), make faces (of confusion, disguss, etc), make poses and gestures that show those emotions and talk in a tone that expresses that too.
Very well said. They will bang the dishes and slam doors, while never actually telling you they’re upset. You have to be anxious, and simply read their body language and facial expressions.
Oh my goodness. So many years of this. You ask "what's wrong?" And they claim nothing is wrong while storming around the house and literally oozing negativity everywhere they go...but yeah "nothing's wrong". So exhausting and stressful.
Its to punish you for being yourself
I'm still cleanign off drips of coffee off walls and doorways that were splattered with their lack of care and underground anger.
Ramani Barman
Anger and hostility is their default setting. They do not want to heal or be fixed so don't try! Run now!
Some of these things really hit home for me about my wife. One thing I remember very clearly, we went into a store to pick up some things for dinner, and we saw a woman who was the manager. Her name tag said she was proud to have worked for the store for 25 years. When we left, we got into the car and the whole drive home was a rant from my Unemployed For Years wife that she didn't understand how anybody could hold down a minimum wage job for 25 years without being ashamed of themselves. She still holds that opinion to this day, and is still unemployed. It boggles my mind.
Sticking it out for 25 years is impressive!
She don’t know anything about perseverance 😢
Had to hear someone rant about the same bs.. a job is a job ... the audacity people have. 😒