The 3 SIGNS You're Dealing With A COVERT NARCISSIST | Dr Ramani
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 26 ноя 2022
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
A child who's being mentally abused by their parent, doesn't stop loving their parent. The child stops loving themselves.
Correct youngblood
You are speaking my truth, Youngblood.
So True I am now at 50 learning to love myself...that's right I'm awesome no matter what my mom and siblings and their rotten friends think ... generation tough love based on net worth ..joy suckers 😉
So True I am now at 50 learning to love myself...that's right I'm awesome no matter what my mom and siblings and their rotten friends think ... generation tough love based on net worth ..joy suckers 😉
100%
My partner/Fiancé of 23 years was absolutely a Covert Narsissist. After he passed last year his daughter said to me and I quote, “Didn’t you know that my dad was a Covert Narsissist”?
The next thing his daughter said to me was, “Your finally free”.
She was the true catalyst for my research and ultimate healing.
I helped raise her from 10 years old and she helped raise me out of my pain.
Wow. This kind of story is why I congratulate people for finalizing their divorces: "Sorry to hear that, and congratulations."
❤❤❤🎉
How ironic! I think the same way....I will be free! I will have served my sentence.
What a loving stepdaughter you have, bless her sweet soul & having educated herself in narcissistic type personalities
Have a happy life
His daughter was an Angel sent to you by God. I feel for the both of you that you had to endure the struggle of a relationship with such a narc.
"Manipulation through victimhood". That sums it up PERFECTLY.
💯 True
yes Meghan markle is doing this
My ex 🎉
I think the thing that saved me from my narcissistic parent were my siblings. Every time she would undermine us or victimize herself we would look at each other knowingly and talk amongst ourselves about how it’s not normal or healthy
This is what I have finally concluded over a very long period of time: if you feel extremely confused around someone and are continuously questioning what is going on with them, there is a good chance there is a fairly high level of narcissism going on, and even if there isn’t, this is not a person you want to be spending a lot of time around and the sooner you can exit the scene the better. In other words: for the sake of your own sanity, don’t overthink it - whatever it is, it isn’t healthy 🙃
1%
Wow this is exactly what I felt in my marriage. I felt so confused i thought i was going crazy like losing my mind crazy. It's been three months since I took my power back and i feel soooo different i don't doubt myself anymore don't have those confusing thoughts anymore.
Absolutely! If you ever have to wonder "what is going on"? in your relationship it's most likely a very odd personality presentation. Get out!
YES!!!! I remember I was in therapy one time and I'd spent like the whole hour trying to unravel the complexities of a situation I was in with a (probably) narcissistic person and finally I looked at my therapist and said "You know some people are just jerks. And I don't want to be around them. That's it." I know that statement is not 100% related to this original comment and I'm VERY much not trying to oversimplify the issue, I'm just saying the original comment reminded me of that therapy session and I think that thought can potentially be helpful in those times of complexity and uncertainty.
Four years of studying narcissistic personality traits has convinced me this is true as well. Gut feelings don't lie, we must trust ourselves.
From having a covert best friend I found her top 5 signs were
1. Victim mentality
2. Constantly put others down
3. Always tried to dominate others to feel secure
4. Moody 99% of the time
5. Didn’t seem to have an adult understanding of empathy, love, morals
I’ll give you another 5 for free
6. Was very paranoid would ask questions in multiple ways to see if I gave same answer
7 jealous of other friendships
8. Materialistic
9. Poor relationship with family
10. She would twist my words and try to convince me the false reality was real
I recently got rid of a friend that I've known for 60 years. She matches your bingo card. We have a 50-year high school reunion coming up this fall. If she shows up she'll be a non-speaking extra. She doesn't need or deserve a reason out of me as to WHY I ghosted her. She has nothing more she can teach me.
Her histrionics were absolutely the worst
@@deecee29 Start off the conversation by gushing, “Mary! At last! Why haven’t u contacted me??” before she starts talking.
That usually stumps the narc that you’ve ghosted. Then while they’re drawing breath, change the subject quickly and talk about how yr car/yr work is going.
LouiseAustralia 🦘
That's my ex to a tee .... There is a reason I got custody of all the kids
11 is done to me and left painful enough wounds that reading it made me sick to my stomach.
They are boring, and difficult to get along with and often test and test to make sure you will stay.
Yes, they are. I cannot stand their nonsense und negativity.
This is definitely my ex. Being with him was exhausting - hypersensitivity, paranoia, anger, grandiosity, with so much judgment, a sense of victimhood, etc.
Sounds like my ex too
I was married to a covert narcissist and I can’t express how damaging this can be for the other spouse. It took years to be able to reconcile how others saw him and how it was in our home. My only suggestion is once you realize what is really happening to you and your children is to get out as quickly as you can. Others will think you’re crazy, as he seems like such a great person, but you know the truth.
Wow yes. My experience also. My family thought I was crazy and his family is so sure that there’s something wrong with me. As soon as I let go of worrying About what his parents, siblings and family thought I could move on with my head high. It did take a while.
It’s so lonely when other people see a different person. I’m glad you got out.
WOW.. So right!
Congratulations. Good for you 👍 👏 👏
I'm in 30+ years with one and I feel like I'm being crushed as a human after all these years. Feeling stuck and hopeless that anything can be different.
Sometimes when you think you've been a victim of covert narcissism, and you are now scarred, BPD, CPTSD, and suffering as an adult, you may also be exhibiting these covert narcissistic traits. I think its important to be really honest when listening to these videos, and notice if you recognize any of these tactics or experiences in yourself.
Agreed. I was trained to be this way when I was growing up, and I had to unlearn it and recognize signs of slipping into it to keep myself on the right road.
Yeah it's true, I have CPTSD and covert mother and I struggle with feeling victimised or get really explosive when people give me unsollicited advice. I sometimes find I adapted some of her reactive patterns and it scares me because I don't want to become like her.. so I go to therapy (a lot) for help and these video's are a big help too!
Being around narcissists opens you up to catching 'narcisistic-fleas'...(also called narcissistic bugs)...it's worth researching
Yes!! I have a history of trauma and mental illness, and watching this video my jaw dropped as I related to so many things.. I really wanna work on it so I’m thinking of telling my therapist. Does anyone have any other ideas on how I can work on this?
@@heartvalais I'm by no means an "expert". Have researched a lot on this topic over the last year.
Therapy is a great start. Also working with trauma, healing inner child work, learning to self regulate nervous system because with CPTSD comes dysregulated NS.
I'm working with somatic experiencing, and a therapist. Only barely begun, but it's definitely changing things internally. Though got to go super slow. Depending on how far along one have gotten in regulation and connecting with their body. As we disconnect to stay safe from painful and perceived dangerous emotions etc.
I also recommend r/CPTSD. Many good resources there. Be well ☺️
This was my mother. She tried to talk my sister out of being a nurse. She always told us we could never accomplish anything. She tried to take credit for anything we did. This video brings back so many memories of childhood.
i feel you! i'm currently at minute 7, and already had to pause a lot of times! this is a tough video to watch!
Same . My mom is currently trying to talk me out of being a massage therapist. It’s unbelievable. I am not telling her shit anymore just doing it
Same 🫂
They are professional victims. I got tricked and trapped by a covert demon.
I hate being an empath…HATE IT!!
Don't hate being an empath, it's a beautiful thing! Don't shut down, the world needs you! I think I understand what you are saying, it's so painful, after 25 yrs with a covert I nearly lost my mind.
I had to stop listening a few times and come back to this- it was like reliving the last 7 years with my abusive narc. I can count at least 5 times he drove me to a dark, nearly suicidal place in my mind, but I couldn't leave my daughter to suffer in his clutches. I got damn lucky when he flipped out in one of his tantrums it was witnessed by the landlord and a neighbor, and he was brought in by the police on a 72 hour psych hold. I took my daughter, ran, and never looked back.
I totally get it. It seemed I was getting close to a nervous breakdown living with my brother during the plandemic for 2 years .. I was able escape for brief periods of time but didn’t have a job but had some money to live on and last April, 3 weeks after I believe he tried to poison me and being sick for 2 - 3 days .. was able escape permanently 4.5 hrs away. Thank God for great friends who treat me wonderfully and had an extra place for me live … 4 months after leaving and getting some peace .. got a great job .. such a huge wonderful change and I’m so grateful to my friends’ family ..
@@johncorson6599 I'm glad you were able to escape and are in a much better, safer place now. I'm exploring the abuse now in therapy, and I'm realizing towards the end there were attempts to kill me- shoving or tripping me on the stairs, where it would have just looked like a "terrible accident."
@@BonzoGal1980 omg! How did you come to learn about this? Did he outright tell you?
🙏🏻💜
@@Lovable09 They don’t admit to anything. Once you see and feel the contempt they have for you, you realize they were trying to kill you. Mine trying to break my neck during foreplay when I didn’t know they were cheating. When they are done with you, they try seeing if they could make a murder look like an accident.
And collect the life insurance as a grieving widow.
Great material 😊 what I've learnt for the last couple of years I've been working on myself is : 1) not to fall for love bombing, too hot too soon, 2) not to fall for someone who "needs"me, not to be a rescuer for anyone (apart from children and animals), not to put your energy into someone's life and neglect yours.
Omg bingo! I hear you. 😕
😯 wow 😯 so true!!!!!
Going to get this in a poster for my wall
Good 👍
These are excellent points.
I remember as a little boy I told someone I needed my guilt in order to survive...they didn't understand. 40 years later I do. Life is beautiful, and we can't compare ourselves to normal people who didn't have a corner narc parent. I'm not on drugs, I'm not homeless, and I instead took the long path of healing...I'm doing ok, and grateful for every day of life. Stay real!
I’m so happy your healing! But I just wanted to share when I was reading your post and you made the statement. We can’t compare ourselves to normal people. It triggered this anxiety like you would not believe when I read the word normal. My mother covet narcissist said all my life why you’re not normal why that’s not normal. She also was very a very slow talkin southerner . So the why isn’t a question why. It is really “well, that isn’t normal” however she didn’t say well, whatever. She said “Y I never!” Y I (emphasis on I) just can’t believe”) “Y I thought ANYBODY would know that!” ..
I don’t know why I felt the need to share that with you. 😊
I took the same path too but I'm not retarded
@@helmiinahietala Why do you think I am retarded?
wow I was also called not normal by the person that made me not normal whatever that means I know how you feel@@debyoung5705
Hugs.
This is my most recent ex. He was extremely critical of everything I said and did. I walked on eggshells to please this man, but nothing I did made him happy. The moment I expressed dissatisfaction with him or something that he said or did, he became full of rage. I would never address issues just for the sake of keeping the peace. We dated for 8 months and he only met my friends once. He acted exactly as described in this video. He sat in the corner and appeared very unhappy and contemptuous. Throughout our relationship I found myself constantly apologizing for things that he did, just to keep the peace. He discarded me weeks ago because I refused to apologize after I expressed dissatisfaction about his behavior. He told me that was the final straw. I genuinely care for him and it hurts to be thrown away by someone that I have bent over backwards to make happy. I am hurting right now, but deep in my heart I know that this is the best thing that could have happened to me.
Stay strong sweetheart. Turn that love back into yourself. He will never change as it is a mental disease that cannot be cured. It’s very similar to the Dunning Kruger effect.
How is it going? I am exactly in the same situation. He discarded me because I didn't apologize after expressing dissatisfaction with his behaviour. Trust me, it gets worse over time. The level of entitlement only keeps on increasing, it becomes ridiculous.
Good for you. You may be tempted to go back but remember to amplify all of the bad things that he did because that is who he really is. The good things were all fake, most likely.
You fell in love with the person that you THOUGHT or WANTED him to be, in your imagination and fantasies. Speaking from my experience and many others as you know.
Your story sounds exactly like mine, with a few slight tweaks in details. This sounds like the same person! I pray for our healing and to never allow these people to harm us again🙏🏽
I sooo relate to you…
It was never my enemies I had to watch out for, it was the ones screaming... I LOVE YOU!
WORD. thankyou 💝
Yepppp youngblood
Same!
Yep. Or… “we’re a family.” Eugh. No thanks. I already have a (biological) family, I don’t need another one. 🥴
@@almondmilksoda Exactly! Like we are guilt tripped into "taking one for the team" so we don't disappoint the fake illusions they put on for the world its exhausting 😮💨
Denial. Projection. Blame-shifting. Gaslighting. Double Bind. Double standards.
What is double bind?
@@littleninnie - I assume that 'double bind' means putting a person in a "dammed if they do and dammed if they don't" type of situation...but I could be wrong.
Even reading this makes me sick n anxious
And the abuse I went through in a college system was 3years ago
All these mean girls operate in a snake gang n gaslight the shit out of you
It was bad so so devastating
The false rumour spreading, gossip, maligning, scapegoating
@@MLJ7956 You are right. Michelle Nieves has done some good videos on the double bind. Check them out
@@truthh8597 I’m so sorry you had to go through that. But I hope it comforts you to know that you are not alone
There needs to be way more awareness about COVERT Narcs. I was lost and confused until I discovered Dr Ramani's videos on this!
Cant believe i was dealing with covert narcissist all this time, while i almost questioned my sanity
I am in the exact spot right now, imma go see a therapist for my sanity and well beeing
I was 47 before I understood what my upbringing was all about. I am healing myself but I mourn the loss of all the decades I missed. It's never too late though ⭐
It’s never too late. 💪🏼💪🏼
I truly understand and can identify with your process. So glad your healing and preparing to enjoy your brighter season ⭐️.
I know how you feel. I am 60 years old. My dad died 3 years ago. I left home when I was 17. I am the caregiver of my mother. Now I take all the abuse my father took. She's always a victim. Never happy. It took me until I was 57 years old to realize I grew up this way my whole life. I'm morn for what I could have had and wish I had. But I never had it. I guess we're never too old to realize things in our past and things that are still going on. My brothers and I say how did we turn out the way we turned out. We are all about our families and grandchildren. Something she was never about. But now she's all about that only for the attention that she wants. She says nobody has time for her. Well she gets what she got, she never had time for them.
you're not alone with that feeling. i wish i could go back to my 20 something self and have a chat.
Wow. I thought I was late at 30
A few years ago I left a relationship with a covert narcissist. I see now he checks all the boxes, all of them, 😱 but I didn’t realised it back then. The moment during the breakup I got really empowered and brushed away all my doubts about leaving was when he wrote me a letter. Ironically, he was hoping this letter would make me change my mind. In this letter he talked only about himself and the pain he was in and how much joy I brought into his life. But the thing that really grabbed my attention, the thing that put me over the edge, was that there was not one line about me in that letter. Not one line of compassion, empathy or love. I was an object, a puzzle piece. There wasn’t any ownership of the abuse and degradation I suffered while with him, not a breath of apology, not a hint of willingness to work on himself, nothing. I was nothing to him and my feelings didn’t matter. I took my stuff and left. Best decision I ever made.
That's what they do! I have had this experience with a parent and then with a spouse, and both only ever have been able to talk about how great they think they are to me, not how they are hurtful. My rejection of them has never garnered me an apology for the treatment I got from them, only admonishment for how they are publicly embarrassed by my unwillingness to go along with their program. 🙄
@@crystalstar927 im sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it it and the pain you are in.
Seek help, through your doctor, find a therapist, built yourself up again. You are worthy of love.
Get out.
It might seem impossible but once to take the first step, the rest just fall into place.
Be strong.
♥️
@@crystalstar927 I am in the same position, I get you, and I never knew why all this was happening to me, now I have a deeper understanding and have comfort in these videos. I know I can get through this now.
I wish mine would have just faded away into the background after we split up. 4 years later he is still trying to get me back, trying to convince me he’s a different person
I am unsure if he is evil or sick or both?
Just threatened to kill us both while driving around 60mph.
Said I will drive us into that f..king wall....!!!
I should know what to do but no one is being supportive?
He is my ex husband
Was supposed to be taking me to my new home...
When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
How does one get access to a phone?
@@surayalalloo8667 this is SPAM with several great paragraphs before it. Never give your money over to strangers on the internet.
Damn, you had me in the first half. That’s a lot of effort for an Ad.
You almost got me, just copy and paste top comment from cheating video and add your email at the end for scam, kool ah?
They don't see the need to learn emotional intelligence because that would imply that they are not perfect.
You just described my mother 😢. Thank you for your videos. I used to feel so guilty until I realized she is the problem. I have been suspicious for quite a lot but one time we were eating and she and my brother were bullying me until I bursted into tears; and then I saw it, the smirk the satisfaction in her face and I knew she was actually enjoying my tears
For those folks who think that they might be a covert narc, I think the main distinction between this and all the other things is that the narc finds ways of deliberately hurting people.
And also doesn't ponder whether they are narc or not. Could be narcissistic traits though, most people have at least some to a light extent.
and another hint: if you ask yoursef ': what's wrong with me? or : maybe I'm narcissist? or : should I fix myself somehow ?
or : maybe it's my fault? etc , you are most likely NOT a narcissist
narcissist won't ask himself 'what's wrong with me' or : maybe it's my fault'. never ever
When I started looking into narcissistic personalities, I started thinking that a I sound like a covert narcissist. When I googled "am I a narcissist?".....something popped up that said "Narcissist's don't question if they're narcissistic but codependent's do." They have the same traits of a covert narcissist but they know something isn't right within themselves and seek to fix it. That is what started me investigating codependency and I feel 85% healed.
Narcs NEVER question if they’re a narcissist.
They know they’re perfect.
Not everyone with narcissistic defenses is a pathological narcissist… many of us who are the VICTIMS of pathological narcissism adopt their defenses to SURVIVE. Its extremely common to bring these tools into the relationships we have after without consciously knowing that is what we are doing. If all you’ve ever known is crappy relational dynamics, you will mirror that.
We must ALL learn to be honest with ourselves.
This was very true for my husband and I, both of us raised by covert narc mothers (and I also had a narc older sister as well). We had to adopt narc tendencies in order to survive childhood, we brought that dysfunction into our marriage. We managed to work it out over the years thank goodness.
Funny thing is neither of us realized we were raised by covert narcs until several decades after we resolved our narc like behavior towards eachother.
Toxic is toxic. And the damage is still done. Just cause you got a justification don't mean you're any less of a lost cause than the narC especially if you wanna be a punk and unleash that gross energy and someone undeserving. Apply that energy to your narC 😃🤣
@ Shiloh more than one thing can be true at once. Like the narc and the one who's attached to them are both toxic.
But yall say that hurt people hurt people is not accurate or an excuse. But here you say if all you know was negative you're gonna mirror it 🤔
@@chayo4537 gross. Enjoy your perfection😑🤮
Looking back at my 20s I see myself doing this. I am not making excuses but it was instilled within me from my mother “you have a degree. You know it. You shouldn’t have to go to the next state to take classes for continuing education because you know it all”
I believed that. I was angry at everyone else. It wasn’t until I was 30 that I realized I held myself back from growing and being where I wanted because of my narcissistic attitude.
Now that I’m trying to heal from that I’m trying to deal with my mother who is my professor in Narcissist 101 and advanced Narcissism
Yes, you're so right. On reflection, I noticed I exhibit some of these traits too, from my mother also! I too, held off a lot of my own growth to 'help' my mum because she didn't have anyone else. I'm nowhere close to where I should be in life thanks to my mum trying to hold me back in her subtle way.
I started doing some classes last year to upskill, finally chose my direction in life and my mother started to ramp up in her behaviour too.
Me: "Mum, I'm doing a course."
Mum: "Oh, I might do a course too, to update my qualifications."
Me: "Mum, I've completed my course, I'm looking for a job now."
Mum: "Oh, I might start looking for a job, I still have the qualifications I earned 20 years ago I can look for a job in that field."
Me: "Mum, I'm working in a cafe, I'm learning lots and meeting heaps of new people."
Mum: "Oh, that sounds exhausting, I know you said you're learning lots but are you enjoying it?"
Mum: "Are you interested in painting a house with me, we'll be able to spend more time together?"
It feels like she can't stand that I'm off doing my own thing so she includes herself but she can't do what I'm doing so is trying to pull me away from it.
It didn't work so she's trying the "I'm sick and dying, don't you love me anymore?" Card.
I just 'can't' with her anymore.
In school my teachers recognized my writing skills,and gave me compliments. My mom told me don’t listen to them. They didn’t know what they were talking about and they were only trying to be nice. I believed my mom. Listening to you this becomes so crystal. This makes me wanna cry.
😭
Congratulations on your excellent writing skills and ability 👏🏻 🌟 this makes me so sad. My little one has just had another glowing report ✨️ so I've written an achievement letter and gave 2 stickers - sad because we ate no contact with harmful, devious family so there's only me to praise! Saying that, they would put a "knock you down a peg" slant on it for sure 😢 well done, we are changing the script for our little ones ❤
I’ll never forget everyone complimenting my handwriting over the years, but the only person who found it sloppy was always my mom and she’d tell me so even as a child.
"All that child wants is their parents' pride."
That hit so hard. I'm 34 years old and you'd think that I'd be over that by now, but no...still hurts just the same.
44 and it still stings. It will probably always be with us in some way but doesn’t have to define who we are and where we will go..hugs ❤❤
True for sure, but I have finally decided that what I was looking for was something they just weren't able to give. What I was missing didn't exist in the place I wanted it from. I know what that's like, and I try to do much better for my own child than that, trying to break the cycle.
30 here, and just found out that I always have felt like this. I’m having a hard time remembering when was the last time my mom told me something like “good job” about anything.
I'm 71 years old and it does still hurt. Didn't realize my dad had this problem until about 5 years ago. Shared with my 5 younger siblings of whom only the second oldest could see it. He was the only male child and felt he never measured up. I always had seen it with my dad's sister but now I realize
Realized it was a generational disorder.
I think Passive aggression is the biggest red flag of all. This one trait is enough to walk away as soon as you pick this up. People who are passive aggressive are deeply disturbed and the passive aggression is just the tip of the ice berg, whats going on beneath the surface is far more deep and dark. Do yourself a favor if someone you know or are in a relationship with starts to be passive aggressive with you, walk away, you cant argue or please someone like this, they will always be trying to covertly attack you. Its madness really, I mean its much easier to get along and be friendly, but people who are passive aggressive seem to want to destroy others and themselves.
For real what I've just been through...
Passive aggression was my family's language. We can't always assume everyone is stuck in that - lots of us walk away from family and get better. If you respectfully point out the behavior to someone you know, their response is a good indicator of this - narcissists will get angry, maybe rage at you. Someone with CPTSD will feel terrible about it - if they are aware of their CPTSD, they'll add it to the list of things to fix. If they're not aware, the shame will be difficult and they might be overwhelmed and guilty about it. The pivot point for me is whether I get an apology (a real one) followed by attempts to change the behavior.
@@lori6352 I got discarded for pointing it out...I find it a cowardly personality trait/ behaviour or response...
Yes i have a close relative that is passive aggressive, i can never do anything right and she is forever calling
me names and degrading me even though i am very kind to her, do tons of things for her and her family,
but i am understanding more and more that she is a narcassist and that is the reason why she just doesn't
care about me in the slightest. She will never ever do anything for anyone else. She is only focused on herself. She is beyond selfish. I am learning alot because i did not understand why she was like this. She has no
respect for me, so when she goes off on me i keep my distance and i say i am saying goodbye when you
speak to me like this.
I hear this because passive aggression is incredibly irritating and aggravating. I have two worries, though. Abused persons can become conflict averse, passive aggression being a way to express needs without being direct. That doesn't make passive aggression okay, just understandable and NOT narcissism, necessarily. With healing they may be reachable.
Then there are some neurodivergent conditions not narcissistic, such as autism, which can lead to conflicts due to not thinking the same way (being wired differently, so to speak) as neuronormative persons. Autistics commonly speak fact when it oversteps boundaries or social proprieties and so leads to terrible motives misinterpretation. Worse, autism stereotypes abound even among autistic people. Most of us autistics don't fit the stereotypes yet aren't as weird as people judge. :) Okay, maybe we are. But yay for diversity? heh
All that said, you may not feel equipped to deal with those situations, either, so discernment of the substrate of the passive aggression may simply be irrelevant for you-which is fine. Know and be fair to yourself first so that you have the strength to be authentic for others.
My college graduation clarifies this so well "you think you're so great and so much better than everyone in this family because you graduated college". I just never felt that way. I always felt timid about my accomplishments because I knew my mother felt bad when I did well. It's a very confusing way to grow up. Thank goodness I learned to treat others better but it did take trial and error in my 20s because I just didn't have the skills.
After escaping at 12 to fostercare. I'm so sad because to know they truly wanted to kill me. I was so very traumatized and trauma bonded. I saw all the boys die in our family at the hands of their mother from my bloodline. I respect you and it took me awhile to tell you the truth of what I've dealt with for years. I've been following you for months now. I'm scared of them. Please know you are so important for our society to survive. Please keep doing what your doing, you deserve a Nobel Award. I'm still surviving.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
Your Mother murderd your brothers ?
May God bless you. Please reach to Jesus. He will heal you.
Ohh my heart hurts for you! Wishing you healing! God bless you! ❤️❤️❤️
"They're never satisfied with anything"... 🎯🎯🎯🎯 I feel exhausted just thinking about it.
Covert narcissists love to go on endlessly about what victims they are.
Yep JDave when they are the abusers.
I would say the first sign will come from your own gut feeling which will send signal to your body telling you that this person doesn't make you feel comfortable being around him/her. The fact that you are already asking this question should alert you to be careful. Something will feel off and you won't know what it is exactly. Covert narcissists can act very charming in the beginning but there will be often also present underlying sense of superiority about them. That sense is actually deriving from them feeling insecure about themselves, so they tend to quietly degrade others in order to feel better about themselves. On the other hand if covert narcissist feels that you are above his league, he will act like your servant, trying to please you - almost annoying in a way. But make no mistake. If you decide to stay in a relationship with him, he will downgrade you and abuse you like all the others. Because in his mind, if you love him, he thinks you are unworthy of him. Covert narcissists hate themselves so if someone loves them, than they think this person is worth less than them and that they can do better. Other sign to look for is any kind of judgment towards others. If he criticises other frequently, he will more likely criticise you as well once he gets more comfortable around you. Pay attention to how he treats people that are dependent on him as well. Narcissists hate those especially if they can't get anything of of that for themselves. Moreover, Cheating in marriages is not restricted to only men. Women cheat as much as men do. If you're suspecting your wife of infidelity, you'll have to keep an eye on her of her without her knowledge of her. One of the best ways to know if your spouse cheats on social platforms is by paying close attention to how your spouse behaves while online. The signs are pretty the same. Is your spouse more time on the app without explanation and gets unnecessarily defensive when you ask about it? If your spouse behavior has changed lately, and continues to spend more time on social apps, it's time for you to take action, with the help of a private investigator (suggested; METASPYHUB@GMAIL. COM , you can find out what is taking all their time on social apps, who they are talking to and other things happening,,
See, the thing is that instincts come from experience. Only people who know what to look for have gut feelings.
And maybe we're too arrogant to listen to our lizard brains which are processing micro expressions and telling us something is off (reason why animals have great instincts) but children of narcs either are great at spotting them a mile away or getting really attracted to them cause they haven't realized their trauma.
I keep seeing this same ad masquerading around as if it’s sound advice for victims of narcissistic abuse. Knock it off. None of us need you shilling your spy app at us, we’re trying to HEAL and you’re NOT HELPING!
I’m reporting this comment and will do so each and every time I see it until you get the message. LEAVE US ALL ALONE AND LET US HEAL AND LEARN IN PEACE!!!! 😡
Oh my God, Dr. Ramani! My father used to say to me when I was little (all the time), "You're a good girl, no matter what anyone else says." 💔😭 And I'm 63 and the realization of that cruelty, really hits hard. Thank you for that "awakening".🙏
Hope u are feeling better now ❤
Victims of Narcissistic Abuse, here are some Affirmations you can conduct!
1. I am worthy of love and respect, and I will no longer accept anything less.
2. I am not responsible for the narcissistic behavior of others.
3. I trust myself and my own judgment, and I know what is best for me.
4. I am strong, resilient, and capable of healing from this experience.
5. I release any feelings of shame, guilt, or self-doubt that may be holding me back.
6. I forgive myself for any mistakes I may have made and trust that I will learn from them.
7. I am worthy of a happy and healthy life, free from abuse.
8. I surround myself with positive, supportive people who uplift and encourage me.
9. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned and the growth that has come from this experience.
10. I am healing every day, and I trust that I will come out of this experience stronger and more resilient than ever before.
Thank you,that's needed,even in the middle of healing,!!❤
Thank you so much.
Damn that was an incredibly hard list to get through.
❤
Thank you for this. Had relationships with 2 of these in my life last year. One romantic and one platonic. Hoping I have learned to recognize this personality type so I no longer attract any more of these toxic people. I am an empath so was the perfect target 😢
When Dr. Ramani mentioned about the covert narcissist bringing up their vulnerabilities and then you also bring up yours as a way of making a connection and the narc then throws yours back in your face is exactly how part of my story played out. I remember at the time thinking "WTF? What did I do to deserve that?" It didn't make any sense back then and still doesn't now. Thankfully I got out of there and haven't looked back since.
They ‘connect’ & use their chameleon act to ‘blend in.’ Definitely love to throw things in your face later. I’m glad to have gotten away too.
When I tried to talk he’d say after that’s why I was hesitant to invite you over….but I had to spend 2 years listening to him bitch about his dad
My brother & mother have those tendencies. Neither of them have NPD. Their lack of education & inability to listen properly forces them to react in a narcissistic way when confronted with information that confuses them. I’m the only one in my immediate family who has formal educational qualifications. It doesn’t cause a problem with most of the people I know. Having had a relationship with a friend & partner who suffer with the condition I can see the difference. Patterns.
taking privileged info and using it against you is the way of the covert narc
@@concernedcitizen3476 Selfish babies.
RUclips seems to be the heaven for any of us affected by Narcissism! ❤❤❤
I stopped Rescuing and within one year we were done. The gift was the guilt lifted when I was told he had betrayed us and lied for years about it - this freed me. I have never looked back - my freedom from his rage and fear and pain and self inflicted victimhood is a joy to be away from I love every second of my new drama free life!
I've only recently realised that my mother and oldest sister are covert narcs. A whole lifetime of emotional and psychological abuse suddenly makes so much sense.
As one example: at my graduation, my mother asked if she could wear my cap and gown in the family photos, to show that she had "graduated from the university of life." I laughed it off, thinking she couldn't possibly be serious. She spent the next hour telling my friends' parents that I must be so disappointed that I wasn't the top of the class, that I "only" got my second choice job blah blah blah. I was devastated and so embarrassed.
My sister decided not to come to my wedding. That would have been fine, but she then sent abusive text messages to myself and our other siblings in the days before and on the day of my wedding. Just couldn't stand that we were having a great time without her.
Needless to say, no contact with sister and grey rock with mother now in force and life is so much better.
Good for you for setting boundaries with them! I’m frustrated myself that it took me so long to understand what was going on with these type of family members. At least, I now know enough to teach my children on how to spot narcissist actions and to react (not) in healthy ways.
i get it. when my son graduated top 10 of his high school class, my mom actually took credit for it.
my mother asked if she could wear my cap and gown in the family photos, to show that she had "graduated from the university of life."
That's hysterically funny, what a jerk!! It's also really sad you have been in this environment, it must have been crushing, unfortunately I can relate.
Congratulations, onwards and upwards!!!
My family said that they cant fund me to go to university so I have to find my own funding, yet they paid my sister up to Master degree. They did not even come to any of my graduation from middle, high, university. I always walk alone without any family member. Yet she told her friends and neighboor that she is a successful mother who can raised all of her children to get master degree.
I had a few only follow me to my award ceremony which was for saving a heart attack victim just to look good only for them to go back to their dumbs ways later as if it never happened and some others will claim it never did but I still got the photo before it was removed where I can point out a few people in that photo should have been fired as they caused the man to almost have one as he was threatened with eviction as he refused to clean up after a "four time conviced felon" in the program.
And then that company got rid of me due to their dirty laundy and paranoia as the narcs actually used that as an excuse one time to play victim. tried to claim wire tapping, drones, etc, going over their heads.
I dont even tell them when Im getting paid as I notice they time their issues on dates of when one gets paid or travel dates, etc. One keep getting these $800 cable bills she puts in her sons name like the $1400 cellphone bill as she gave dead beats spots on her plan with iphones and not once got her kids a phone. The vet dont even want to see her due to incidents occurring in her house with animals and payment. Im still deeply upset about my cat and how they allowed that cat to suffer and die. That cat was in good health till they decided to go cheapie on him so she could get the funds.
And always with the "what about your bro? whatever you do to me affects him too" yeah because she got him in a joint income.
“Empaths in particular can be vulnerable to covert narcissists “ 🤯 I’ve been working through ending a friendship with someone and always questioning my thoughts and actions. This statement hits home to me, and your videos have helped me to realize what I’ve been experiencing for 20 years.
Good for you! I took 25 years to realize I got caught by one. So much happier now !
People in my life and many others in my former days and even now are covert narks who critisize me always for being a failure yet they always set me up for failure by undermining me at every chance while telling me they are doing everything to help me. Yet, when they feel or realize I have sprung them in the act then they change tact and deny they are actually against me. The covert nark is the worst type of nark because they are subtle and typical wolves in sheeps clothing that always play the victim yet they are the perpetrator . Pathetic, jealous, untalented, treacherous and miserably disgusting scum.
I had a friend for 5yrs an online one. One day I just cussed at him, said IM THE Stubborn one!?!?? Blocked him. Haven't said a word to him, eventually he deleted me from the gaming app that he normally talked to me on, I blocked him on fb not steam. He would poke fun at me on a weekly basis and wouldn't respond well when I did it back at him so I really just didn't find it friendly anymore. Most guys can take a bit if shit if they give it out so I thought we'd have a bit of competition cutting each other down but nope he wouldn't let me do it back. It was strange like he told me he was crying once it was frustrating he literally did the same shit to me what I did back to him only mine should have been worse it was something I made and his was just a main stream commercial product.
@@Bawkr If you are young then you got possibly many years to go with scum people so learn how to cut em loose to save yourself emotional and/or financial losses or worse losses. Jesus saves , just believe on Him when the Father draws you toward Him so u can become one of us assuming you might not be already. Remember, it says in the manual that God can do anything so God could be already talking to people in YT comments without mankind knowing of it. Same goes for the fallen angels and demons. How do you really know who you are talking to ? Unless you ask then how can you be sure. God wouldn't lie to you but the fallen ones can and often do !
I have a friend like this-always complaining, bitter, judgemental, know it all, and never completely happy with anything-and I feel guilty avoiding them-but I don’t let them drag me down-it’s a sad existence really
It took me 15 yrs to finally realize and accept that my own mother is a covert and violent narcissist. I honestly believed what was happening was normal and that everyone’s mom emotionally and verbally abuse them.
She definitely made it impossible to have any friends because of her fits of rage and screaming matches with my dad. Or it was the guilt tripping. You care more about your friends than your own family. You don’t love me because you won’t spend all of your free time with me.
She (and my step father) made her emotional well being my responsibility. This started at age 12 mind you. And she never spared any details. Good old emotional incest. I knew every detail of her divorce to my dad and even about my step fathers penis. She loved to shock me with blurting out how she gave him head in the shower. It sometimes felt like in the most twisted way that she was trying to make me jealous?🤮
She loved to make her misfortunes my problem. It’s my fault that she fell in the shower and injured her back. I’m always the root cause of her suffering.
NEVER try to criticize or hold her accountable because she will fly into a violent rage.
Nothing was ever her fault. Poor her for being dealt those cards.
The most hurtful part - is when they withhold affection or attention as punishment. Because no apology in any form was ever adequate.
The scariest part is when just the sound of you breathing incites verbal and sometimes physical abuse.
I'm just wading my way through this now. This is exactly my experience with my mother. It was just me and her. I knew she was a narcissistic but hearing this video really put all those years in perspective for me. This is 100% her, and I'm going to have to listen to this video multiple times because I keep dissociating with memories of examples. Lol good times.
Sorry you had to endure all that
My coworker is a covert narcissist and it's gotten to the point where I almost left the company because of their gaslighting & constant attacks at my character. They constantly seem to be hurting because of something I've done, and it took a year+ for me to realize what was happening & step back. This stuff messes you up.
Covert narcissists are different with different people. May be self confident around some, and sad, clingy, pathetic around others. Depends on who they are with in that moment. This can also change based on what's going on in their life. One day they're mean to you and cold, the next, they're being needy and throwing guilt trips your way.
When you bring those different people together and both parties start saying that narcissist is acting funny and unlike themselves, many times results in meltdowns and lashing out
Yeah, there were some groups/influences we'd be around and suddenly I didn't recognize him one bit, he was a completely different person. Cold, distant, dismissive.. I put it down to insecurity and being afraid to look weak. Well, now I realize it's a puzzle fits that fits in the bigger picture.
funny reason why my narc father HATES social gatherings and even directly said that before, however, he's unusually "friendly" around everyone, even those people he secretly stabs behind their backs. srsly covert narcissists are the worst type. thought the reason he hates dem social gatherings is because it's exhausting putting on a show or maybe he's scared his mask will fall off lmao
This statement!!!!!
You know my ex gf?
My dad was like this across the board when I was growing up. Constant criticism, negativity, contemptuousness, blame-shifting to us kids, constantly disparaging, bitter victimhood, anger, moodiness, contrary, argumentative, paranoid...just an exhausting personality. After I was an adult my mom and I were discussing narcissism in general without realizing my dad could hear us. To our surprise he suddenly spoke up, saying, "Am I a narcissist?"
I was startled but I didn't hesitate. I said kindly, "I guess you recognize some of your characteristics. But most people never recognize it or acknowledge it. The good thing is we can work on it."
He was silent. I didn't push it, and he wrote me a note later that day saying I was the only one who had always been kind to him and cared about him. I could tell he was scared. The next time I talked with him I just kindly and matter-of-factly explained the causes and outcomes of narcissism. He put up mild resistance but every day I just kept doing the same thing and showing I wasn't going to turn on him despite his vulnerability. This went on for months.
Today, years later, he isn't even the same person. When he becomes negative and irritable now I'll say "Why are you being irritable?" He'll say it's because of something stressful happening in his life and I'll say, "I'm sorry you're going through that, but you know it's no reason to take it out on me." He immediately calms down and apologizes. He never could have done that before. And I wouldn't have dared say it before.
When I asked him what made him change he said, "I wanted to be the best person I could be for God." He was studying the Bible with Jehovah's Witnesses and recognized that he wasn't living up to the Christian ideal they teach. I don't know if this is common or he is an outlier. But to this day my siblings and I are astonished by his transformation. I guess he wanted to please God to such an overwhelming degree that it gave him the courage to recognize his narcissism and work on it.
Maybe narcissism is like an addiction and they have to publicly admit and acknowledge the problem before they can work on it?
As a side note: One day shortly after he recognized his narcissism he hurt himself. I had to sit down and was pale. "What's wrong with you, I'm the one who's hurt," he said. I said, "It's empathy. I feel your pain."
It was a huge epiphany for him. He brought it up with my mom later, saying in astonishment, "She actually felt my pain. Other people can feel your pain." Today he's naturally empathetic, and it's remarkable to see when he was so indifferent to other people's pain when I was a child.
Alaska u , I dont think its a narcissism if he feel empathy, it might be your father himself is just a narc abuse victim. Sometimes victim did similar with the narc after years of abuse. it doesnt mean he become a narc , it just a survival tool, they still have feelings and understand others. Narc doesnt have it, they just dont care.
@@aii235gi That's the thing. He never felt empathy during most of his life, certainly not during my childhood. In fact, he used to say when one of us kids was hurt, even if it was a serious injury: "That's funny, I didn't feel a thing," and laugh. He'd get mad if his "joke" made us cry more.
He didn't even know empathy existed. It hasn't been until the last few years, in his seventies, that he experiences it.
@@alaskau9175 Exactly, I believe that empathy is a _learned_ trait, and not everyone gets to grow up in a healthy environment that fosters such a trait. For example, because of the abuse I experienced in childhood, I started developing narcissistic tendencies (probably as a defense mechanism against the _constant_ criticism I received). I was so miserable and self-loathing that I began projecting that negativity onto other people. I got to a point where I was able to delude myself into believing that there wasn't anything wrong with _me,_ but rather everyone *else.* It wasn't until I got kicked out and had no one to rely on that I began to realize my issues. Once I began to accept my own flaws and work to change them, I became a lot more accepting of other people and was able to build healthier relationships.
I feel having previously been on that side of the coin is why i'm so good at avoiding narcissists now. Whenever I see the toxic traits that I used to have being expressed by other people, I become uncomfortable (mostly because I feel sorry for them) and avoid them as much as possible. Now I understand _why_ that was my first instinct.
@@idk-ill-figure-smn-out I'm so sorry you went through that, but it's such an admirable and uplifting thing when someone changes and grows despite a bad beginning. (My dad's background was abusive as well.) You're amazing.
@@alaskau9175 You're amazing too, to have such patience and kindness for someone like that. It couldn't have been easy. I wish you the best in your relationship with your father, and I plead that you don't let that kindness be trampled on by the types of people who may not be so willing to change.
I've been binge watching videos about covert narcissism to make sense of my circumstances and this is by far the best video at explaining exactly what I have observed the past few years.
Thank you. Dr. Ramani. As an adult child of a covert narcissist, I hesitate to even talk about the abuse, because of my mother's identification with her victimhood. And, her flying monkey entourage is strong. And, in my adult life, I have continued to attract (and be attracted to) this type of abuser. The trick is that this type of narcissist presents themselves as a victim of abuse, or as a misunderstood person who "just needs a chance". It is easy to open up to them, because they show vulnerability. It is only through time that you can see how negative and dark this person can be- impossible to please. When I stand up for myself, there is both narcissistic rage and genuine tears, with guilt. Plus, this behavior triggers my anger (ptsd), and the narcissist accuses me of being the abuser. I appreciate these posts, because they not only validate my experience; but, they also provide solutions. Thanks for your valuable work!
Covert narcissists don't have flying monkeys, usually. They tend to isolate themselves "they are socially clumsy" If your mum is an extrovert, then she might be a grandiose narcissist.
I am in a similar situation. I just found out about the different types of narcissists on this planet and I grew up with them. My days of supporting and pleasing them are over despite the smear campaign and flying monkeys! They know what they did and that's enough for me to break free
That last bit was me exactly. From a covert narc parent straight into a long term relationship with one. 19 years later I found myself. It's never too late to become the director of your life. ❤️
Good for you ❤❤ I had a narcissistic mother and am drawn to this day to narcissistic men almost me trying to play out the childhood dynamic “ if I’m good enough then they’ll love me “ divorce over a month now and riding the waves of emotion
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏❤
Same here, I as a child thought it was my responsibility to make my Mom and sister feel better at my own expense. I can see how this set me up to be in a Covert Narcissistic relationship as an adult.
Congratulations 🎉 😊🤗. Be at peace and experience joy everyday 🙏🏾.
In my experience, close, loving relationships with covert narcissists are particularly devastating because their behavior is so much more insidious than their counterparts, as Dr. Ramani pointed out. For decades I didn't have a handle on my loved one's identity because their "rages" were instead defensive diatribes, and their manipulative behavior hinged on a mask of empathy of all things. Talk about confusing and confounding. As an empath myself, that just drew me closer and enabled the trauma bond. I think severing a relationship like this is uniquely painful because I feel extreme guilt for even admitting these things, like I'm the one that is somehow hurting someone who is already chronically victimized. It's like a performance of love, closeness, and understanding that is instead a cruel, cruel fiction. Wishing you all strength and clarity.
100%
So, so true! I escaped 2 previous narcissistic relationships and still got hooked in by a covert narcissistic person! Yes, I feel guilty in enforcing boundaries (newly acquired ones after lots of therapy 🤦♀️)
Took me 20 years to really understand it. The social anxiety mixed with contempt... oh my god, I had been seeing it for years. Woke up one morning and realized I had no friends and I didn't even know how it happened!
I am going through this currently!! I had the thought of narcissm pass in my head before but when I spoke to him about it (I tell him everything and always had) he said he was empathetic so he couldn’t be narcissistic.. I now realize after this video that this is all too real.
I’ve been wondering lately if it’s all an act? Like the bs of not being smart enough, not understanding what I’m saying or when he would not be responsible.. since I found out and it finally clicked about the covert form, I’ve been picturing him say something innocent, and then turn his back to me and evil smile, like he knows what he’s doing. Does anyone else feel that way?
This has been very rough to say the least to attempt to leave (so many times) .. I can only imagine what others are going through . And my prayers are with you all!
How did things turn out for you?
They make the victims feel sorry for them!
Narcissists don’t even know they are doing it!!
Dr. Ramani, you have no idea how much you are helping me. You are nothing short of a miracle and quite frankly, God sent! Thank you, Dr. Ramani, Thank you God! ♥️🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿
You could not be more spot on describing my mother and my husband, both classic vulnerable narcissists. I've been in intense therapy for two years now (at YOUR recommendation) and have come a million miles towards healing. THANK YOU! At 73 it is still not too late to learn and leave. BLESS YOU!
You are inspirational (and aspirational) for those of us who've been afraid that because we spent our 20s & 30s trying to find a qualified therapist to help us deal with this stuff that we got started "too late"
Aww good for you Grama Debi 🥺♥️🤗
That's amazing ♥️
@@amarbyrd2520 Exactly! I worry constantly I didn't get started on "the work" soon enough despite being a therapist myself. I didn't realize until my late 20s what 2 of my immediate family members are, partially due to trying to deal with crippling panic atttacks and agoraphobia which started in my early 20s. I couldn't see the forest for the trees of one of the main causes of those symptoms.
Good for you
What I find mind bending is how twisted the relationship with a narcissist is, that you have to discard them as damaged goods or trash. I’ve always thought that with perseverance and love people can change, but not with this toxic individual. It makes me sad to know that someone can be so damaging to others, all the effort and input you give to this relationship for nothing.
They are too ashamed of themselves to look at their issues clearly enough to fix them. The problem with healing is that you have to identify/see the problems first before you can change them. Narcs can't and won't do that. They have built up a fake persona for themselves to help protect their inner child. Acknowledging that they are not who they think they are is devastating for them. They would rather die than accept their flaws. They are extremely toxic and beyond help. No amount of love can change them. It's been quite an experience to learn that love and therapy can't help everyone.
After learning so much from your videos, I've come to realize that my mom is a covert narssicist and this has been so eye opening. It's always been my hardest relationship because she is elderly and now has Alzheimer's. She's had a difficult life and I understand that there's a lot of trauma in her past but my goodness it's so hard to be in her presence or talking to her. She's so miserable and complains about everything. She lives with my sister and grandkids in a posh beach California city and talking to her you would think that she is in a Cuban prison. In the past, I've tried to solve her problems and make her happy only to find her lieing and saying to my sister that she never complained to me, making me look like the bad guy. I moved across the country to stay away from both her and my sister. But she calls me and dumps her frustrations on me with a fake interest in how I'm doing. She talks at me. In the end before hanging up, she always says oh I feel so much better and my batteries are charged. In my culture, we say a lot of fake loving sentences and she just says these empty words. I feel bad if I don't talk to her or ignore her calls but I always end up feeling disappointed and remember awful memories with family. I'm very patient and loving in life but hearing her is taking a toll on me. Don't even get me started on my narssicistic sister and her husband, they're awful toxic people and I'm so happy I severed the relationship. Thank you Dr Ramani, after learning about narcissism in your content, I have accepted that there's nothing really broken in me and that I don't need to fix/help/save the covert narssicists like my mom in my life anymore. I feel sad that I don't really have a family but I'm happy that I don't have to be in their miserable life.
Your mum sounds just like my mum, unfortunately! Commiserations...
@@lukeoldfield7940 I'm sorry to hear that, it really is difficult and I struggle with pinpointing what emotions I feel when it comes to her. It really helps when I remind myself that what she says is not about me. She is so self absorbed that she can't empathize with anyone so that realization helps me a lot. I wish you peace and all the best in life.
@@rabiamarshallyes, lots of conflicted emotions - never easy at all - a mix of love, pity, resentment, frustration, anger and even hatred at times if I am honest.
It's the passage you wrote about the phone calls that really resonates - where you are talked at, interest is faked, and if you ever complain and express your unhappiness you get a defensive/dismissive/histrionic or even tearful response - an absolutely no win situation that always only favours one person. Demoralising, draining and depressing!
We wouldn't be watching these videos if our families were loving and well adjusted, so have to remind yourself of that from time to time!
All the best.
Your comment hit me with the understanding that she had a hard life. My mom cries about her life like it was so hard, when she has had life handed to her on a silver platter and she won the real life game of monopoly as a selfish millionaire. She used me as a character to portray scapegoat and my sister the golden child. I ended up as a teen with a psychopath abuser and my mom never ever cared she sort of laughed like I deserved it. I never understood it. Now I realize she was mad that he took her spot to whip me. They are on the same vibration too. But I can’t feel bad for someone who treated people like shit.
This is so good, and much needed. Please produce more videos on the COVERT type narcissists. We need more information to gain knowledge and clarity of these insidious toxic abusers.
You just described how I grew up. The difference is that everybody outside the home thought she was friendly and great. I'm older now and still feel anger for the years of physical, mental and emotional abuse as a child, always trying to please her, for self protection.
Not sure if you’ll see this, but you’re not alone in those feelings. My mother is the same way, and as she ages has gotten worse! I find it hard not to hate and feel the anger from realizing the truth of the relationship.
Anger does not serve the recipient, it only hurts the bearer.
So true; Anger from bad memories don't serve any positive purpose.
That sounds exactly like my mom. Years later, when I told extended family members about my childhood abuse, they didn't believe me, because they never saw that side of her. My mom died two years ago, but I'm still hurt and angry about my childhood.
this is real
I totally relate
Take care of yourselves people. Watch out for Scammers and Trolls in the comments. Please don't contact these people if they reply to your comments. Instead report them using the three dots to the right-hand side of their reply comments.
This is one of the best, if not the best, description of relationships with this type of personality. I found myself saying EXACTLY to almost every single problem and solution that you've outlined. Thank you for this important work. I'm currently healing after removing myself carefully from this person after 7 years.
I was married to an overt malignant grandiose narcissist for 29 years. I take PTSD meds for that. Then I met my current husband and our 8 month courtship "seemed perfect". Very romantic. But I missed the red flags. He borrowed money, he was depressed and I remember saying to him "you never had any one in your corner until now". Wow, I can't believe I said that now that I listened to this video. It's like text book. We have been married almost ten years now and I am completely exhausted. Recently I thought he might be bipolar but now I think he is a covert narcissist. Among other things, he is a perpetual over the top Eyore. And I am an empath so it is hard to leave. I have been miserable for almost 40 years.
I'm so sorry 💔 keep plugging along!! YOU are worth having peace within yourself. Put yourself First for once! Take care ❤️
My gf was in a 12 year relationship with a covert narcissist, broke up with them last year after being harassed into opening the relationship. She didn't realize how badly she was being treated until she started dating me. I'm so proud of her progress so far, and I know that there's still a lot of healing to do. We're getting her to therapy soon, just waiting on a referral. Sending lots of love to everyone who needs these videos! Y'all deserve better.
Did you turn her out?
So, You're the Super Hero of Her Story?
Be patient with her. She’ll probably have a lot of trust issues for a while. If you make her feel emotionally safe, she’ll heal faster
Yes this being harassed into an open relationship sounds like a vary narcissistic way to soft break up with someone. I too was harassed into this but I was just done with him by then and was frankly grateful for the ultimate discard! It does take therapy! I wish you and your gf the best, I am happy she found someone healthy!
The prince who kisses and wakes up princess from dead. She is lucky to have found you.
I’m determined to master grey rocking for my own peace. A narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist. It’s not our job to save them. For any treatment to work; integrity, accountability, and empathy must be present.
Exactly! Time to stop serving these entitled people.
@@iys6890 And you can guarantee that if you drop them, they will very quickly find someone else to victimize.
@@ferociousgumby Sadly, thank God for other willing victims. 😕
I took mine to a shrink to see if the mask stuck - boy oh boy it was shocking watching that mask grow thicker and harder within seconds.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Your videos have been so enlightening, so insightful, and so deeply healing. I cannot afford therapy right now, and I find your voice and manner so warm almost like a family friend that I love to listen to. You have helped me and I am deeply grateful. Thank you so much. 🙏❤
i’ve never watched a video for this long in normal speed, not wanting it to end.
thank you thank you so much this was
empowering
It took me 15 years to realise a “good friend” that I always thought had depression or low self esteem is actually a covert narcissist. Looking back I can’t believe what I put up with and the level of controlling behaviour I dealt with.
One time she invited me over for dinner and then asked if she could invite another friend. I said of course! Her other friend and I got on really well and instead of being really happy that her two friends were getting along she went and sat in her bedroom sulking because the attention wasn’t on her. It was so awkward. The two of us had no idea what was going on. We saw ourselves out and felt like we had to apologise for getting along.
Well covert narcissists do have extreme depression and supremely low, basically non-existent self esteem. The things are not mutually exclusive. They are in fact symptoms of each other.
I spent almost half a million dollars trying to rescue my husband because "everyone has always let him down". His best friend committed suicide early in our relationship so I attributed his bad behavior to that. I did everything i could think of to help him until i was exhausted, broke, and broken. In the end he started a smear campaign against me and everyone was shocked to hear how I too had victimized him.
Fucking A, your story sounds torturous. Much love and many blessings to YOU!!
Yes, after I thought all through I came to the conclusion, that the flying monkeys are more worse than the narcissist him/herself. I went no contact with 3/4 of society. 😄
This is what i am going through. I was forced to open a new bank account because I couldn’t trust him with money. Now he withholds affection of any degree towards me and blames it in my lack of respect towards him🤦🏻♀️ I know better though. It doesn’t matter what I do for him. It’s never enough nor will ever be enough. So he reaches out to his flying monkeys (mostly family) and makes me out to be the horrible one who doesn’t take care of his basic daily needs. Although he gets everything he needs. Exhausting!
And after you find out about the smear campaign, others or the narc itself would have the audacity to say its cause they're hurting from loving you so much. Bs. And I hope you're in a much better place now!
Ohhhph!!! Honey! Me too!
This is incredible, because it’s as if you perfectly described my father and my husband, and I was thinking, no way they both can have the same PD. And then the last words you said is that having a parent like that might make you more prone to have that kind of partner.
Thank you for all the content you have created around this topic and about relationships as a whole. It’s truly life changing.
Through EMDR I learned a lot of these patterns with narcissist but also figuring it out through your videos have opened my eyes to a whole new world or human behavior and how our environments really do mold us. It’s nuts but we always have choices to do better by each other too. Thank you so much for all the info and I look forward to learning more ❤
14:32 this really hit home for me. Being raised by a covert narcissist, I never learned how to create lasting friendships. I was nerdy and quiet and neurodiverse, so I was bullied in grade school, and when I started to have friends in high school my parents would openly mock and shame me for "wasting time" on "social nonsense." (This was in the early 90s, so they meant hanging out with friends on weekends, not social media.) It's unbelievably damaging to hear those messages from such a young age and to have any kind of friendships actively discouraged and sometimes even forbidden. I'm in my 40s now and I still have a really hard time building friendships that last because I was taught that anyone outside the immediate family isn't worth the effort.
@Jade Hudson My late father was like what you described your family. He always told me growing up that it was a waste of time for me to participate in extra curricular activities. I was a long distance runner on the high school track team during my sophomore year. Granted I wasn't that great of a runner. However my father called my coach to have me taken off the team but it didn't work. I was an editor for my high school newspaper for two years. My father cursed at my English teacher who was in charge of the paper because it was required to go to the printer after school. I wanted to study writing and journalism when I was in college but I was discouraged by my father. Therefore I didn't bother to develop the craft. I had potential but to be one but just given up. My father either wanted me to be a Secretary or get married to bear him grandchildren. He wanted me to study computer science in college but I wasn't very good with math. He didn't understood that I couldn't major in computer science because of my math grades . I was good at history and politics. In a nutshell, like your family anything ot anyone outside the family is a waste of valuable time. I feel for you. I am 54 years old and still feel the affects of his behavior even after he passed away.
So sorry to hear your experiences, ladies.
Even if they don't say it, you know that loyalty to your family cult comes first as that's how they operate. It keeps you stuck because of the worry of 'out there'. Out there can be bad as so many toxic people in society but it also stops us finding peoole who can be good for us and vice versa. My mother seemed happy when my friendships and relationships went wrong because then I'd be back in the family grasp. Decent parents teach their kids to respect themselves and how to have good relationships by modelling and teaching
My mom told me not to go to others peoples homes. I bet that is because i would have seen what normal was. Now she is in retirement place. She said to me she talked to some of the women there and she usually never does that. She wants to just talk to me so she can put me down
I’m the youngest and was working the job she got me at 12 “to keep me out of trouble”. I wasn’t able to experience high school- that job was 5am-2pm weekends and 2-10pm after school. She says it’s a shame I didn’t focus on a degree. I could wait to live in a shack and escape at 18. She helped my ex for years- and abused my child. I left her and the flying monkeys 1,000 miles away!
So glad i found your channel. This describes my mother to a T. It was depressing growing up. I always hated myself. Felt like a loner. Tried to be a perfectionist. 29 and moved to a new state, and am finally coming out of my shell. Trying to heal myself so i don't pass this same type of trauma on to my children. This type of parenting causes fearful avoidant attachment and now im trying to work through that too. :/
This is absolutely blowing my mind!! I never ever knew this. Thank you SOOO much. You are changing so many lives. Bless you!
i am about 8 months out of an abusive relationship. this video describes my situation exactly, it's actually a little jarring seeing this all in one video. i have mentioned some of the situations that have occured to my friends, ones which were mentioned as examples in this video, and i never knew anything could be so spot on. thank you for making this.
This was my mother. Never happy, ever, cornered the market on martyrdom, pain and suffering. It was so hard to be a "cheerleader child" trying to fix that which Cannot be fixed. Other people's houses had wood and tile floors, our had eggshells. Her mantra was "get used to it, life is full of disappointments". And the endless envy or jealously drove me out of the house and into endless extra-curricular activities as an escape route as a teenager. When you grow up in a home like this often you leave with an auto immune disease. Then there was the smear campaign and hoovering. It took me 53 Years to go no contact. I did repeat this pattern from the overt narc ex husband to the 2 subsquent covert narcs.
Thank God you are sharing this with people right now. I wished there was someone like you there when I was growing up... any sign of my then self and peer grown self-esteem was squashed with ....."Who do you think you are?" It's taken me a lifetime to erase the tapes and heal and I can't say it enough, Ross Rosenberg, Dr. Les Carter and you have saved my life. Finally I'm aware and no longer the boiling frog.
I wish I had known about covert narcissists years ago. I always questioned if I my mother could be a narcissist, because she doesn't display the grandiose characteristics. But it made so much sense when I found out about the covert side. She's always the victim, someone else is always to blame, she never takes any responsibility, she uses illness to guilt people into doing what she wants. And uses threats of self harm if she doesn't get what she wants. She uses gaslighting to try and make you feel like you are losing your mind, and just making things up. And if there isn't a problem, then she will create one. And creates an environment where it feels easier to let her get what she wants, and just put up with the abuse. I have been the main scapegoat for her since early childhood. All of this has caused me to have such a horrible guilt complex and anxiety issues into adulthood. And other people in my family, etc, have also been conditioned to see my mother as the constant victim too. So I would get guilted and shamed by them, if I ever tried to speak out, or say anything against her, and was made to feel like a nasty person. Covert narcissists are much more sneaky and manipulative.
The belitteling of others in general is some sort of grandiosity, too, I think. The 'I build a whole city on my own' is more a male trait and the 'I am the best human on earth' is more the female trait.
YesI have a mother like that too At 80 still sneaky as a packhouse rat.
My mother is the same. Luckily my sister, who is going through a divorce, found Dr. Ramani, & turned me onto her.
60 years of dealing with a covert narc. Recently went "no contact" when she went "too far". Of course she didn't remember what she said (that via my "flying monkey" brother!) But, that hurts even worse that she can say something so damn MEAN & not even remember it ?! To hell with that. 60 years is a long enough "sentence" for a crime I never committed!
@@m.maclellan7147 Same. It's been near 30 years for me. But finally realised I have to put myself first. And I can't be around her anymore. I spent years thinking if I made more of an effort, that things might change, and I might have a better relationship with my mother. But I now know that won't ever happen, no matter how hard I try. So it's time to stop banging my head against a wall.
@@NatalieBruce24 Actually, it has become worse with my mother since she is getting older, she can't "mask" as much anymore, and the folks she has fooled in the past have 'caught on' & give her a wide berth !
Save yourself is ABSOLUTELY the correct thing to do !
My eyes are wide awake I think the Lord above has shaken me awake I thank doctor Ramani For the knowledge and wisdom thank you I can spot them now😮
This whole video just tells me that my soon to be ex husband is a Covert Narcsissist...it answers my question to everything. Thank you
I AM a covert narcissist. I always analyzed myself, never understood why I felt like that and found out I was similar to my narc mother. But I was not exactly like her or my narc coworker who really acted differently. He was extroverted and social. I am an introvert but in all of my relationships, I never truly loved but always used the empaths that fell prey to my manipulation. And I didnt do that on purpose. It just happened. Now I‘m learning how to deal with myself without hurting others. I just cut off all contacts and went to live by myself first. It helps to reflect on myself. Being able to be in a healthy relationship requires a lot of awareness
Analyzing yourself. Learning how to deal with yourself without hurting others.
That's pretty introspective and shows a deep concern for others.
Are you sure you're not just Autistic? A form that was known as Aspergers?
@@thismomandtwokids9696 Thank you for your question. You are right, I have also thought about that, since I also tend to be absolutely oblivious of social cues and don‘t know how I am supposed to react. But when I watched this video, I noticed that I was acting exactly like this. Not all pf it, but like 80%. I always needed to put others down in order to feel superior. At the same time I did nothing in my life than watching people live their life, judging others, but not trying anything myself. And the few things I created were aweful. Bad work. So now I realized, that I can‘t blame my mother forever. I hear her everyday but I can‘t be a victim forever. Blaming her is like a mental shortcut. I am avoiding the fact that I am not able to achieve anything by myself. That’s the harsh truth, but blaming others is easier to believe in. However it is hard to leave this mindset, if that‘s your reality. You don‘t know what else to believe in that‘s not hurting you and putting you down like your parents did. I‘m doing small steps now. First of all not trying to be „better“ than anyone. Just being myself, forgiving myself, loving myself and others and seeing others as their best and now I am trying to feel just like one of them first. Does that sound Autistic to you?
There is such bravery in this, with honesty looking in the mirror.
Take care, all the best to you! 💛
@Angel Irbin I‘m so grateful for your interest and that you took time to read my comment. I just wish I could talk about her without feeling bad. I decided to stop talking about her for my own wellbeing. Also like I said, I‘m trying to stop blaming her. So all I might be able to share now is, that my mother is a very old child that has never been loved. I for myself will not have children until I am fully 100% healthy mentally.
@@slimshany4602 Thank you so much for your kind words. They are highly appreciated. Take care
24:29 I didn't attend my graduation ceremony when I got my Masters degree. I didn't know anything about narcissism at the time, but I told my spouse, "I don't want to give my parents another opportunity to not tell me they're proud of me."
I bet a lot of us have stories like that.
This is like when I stopped going to my own art competitions to accept awards. My partner never went and never congratulated me and I felt too let down to keep trying
Even though I still technically won at the event I felt like I was a failure
Spot on as usual Dr Ramani. Thank you for such an excellent detailed description. 👍
Wow, you are talking to me directly. It has taken me years to see this in my relationship. Being a mental health therapist, it has been hard to let this go and realize I am only sacrificing myself, not fixing him. You are quite brilliant, thank you for sharing your knowledge!
First of all I thank G-d for finding your channel! You are saving lives! I have been divorced for 2 years now after 24 years of married life with this "sickness". I am no longer "rescuing" anybody but myself!
BH!
Amen me either I am done
She's right on point. We need to be careful with this evil spirit people they will use you abuse you still your life and destroy you. Be careful because they're secretly bisexual. God bless us all.
I had suspicions for a long time my Dad was one, and he was moaning about my sister and he said", but I couldn't say that because I needed to stay longer in her house " it was then I realised once and for all he had a calculating brain and always has had. I run back now through my childhood experiences and just find him disgusting. Extremely low contact, and I've learnt to not fight him when his narc demon is activated, I just wait till he's gone and use my bag of healing tools . You owe it to yourself your freedom
I appreciate your dedication and knowledge to support teaching about this confusing dangerous situation. I feel more educated to talk to my therapist in an understanding way. Thank you
I wish i could thank you in person for all the love and work you put into these videos. Thank you.
This is an excellent verbal depiction of covert narcissists. The covert narcs of my past were the mom, the bro, the ex, the mother in law, and the oldest child. I came to realized and accepted their true nature after experiencing a lifetime of their abuses. The overt narcissists were the dad, the sis, and father in law. I now have radical acceptance that I cannot control and stop their toxic and destructive behaviors, but I can walk away and take care of me. The most important thing for me is that I know who I am and I know my truth. 🥰I learned I am nothing of what they said that I am, all lies. They were actually projections if who THEY are. I appreciate all you’ve done to enlightened me on my journey ☺️
Narcissist (not sure what flavor) father. Seriously malignant (ex) brother. Covert narcissist husband (my bad!) Alcoholic mother, To be fair, my mother was one the original "old timers" in AA and was sober for close to 40 years before she passed away. Now, I'm trying to heal my codependence.
I'm so glad you talked about how covert narcissism can be confused with mood issues. I thought my partner was dealing with depression, anxiety and even bipolar disorder until nothing helped and I really started seeing the personality disorder. Thank you for your help.
Same. I thought he was struggling with depression or something. And wasted many precious years.
Please keep up with this series. Just ended a 4 year abusive relationship and engagement with a covert narcissist. My eyes are opened and I cannot unsee he checks every box. Thank you for connecting the dots and sharing this information. FYI I had been looking at your channel for a while and just now was able to connect these dots a week after he moved out 🙏🏻
Video ideas (please share links if these exist now): how to deflect a covert narcissist
Omg. Spot on. There is no need for me to explain the situation. You’ve done it perfectly. (Like you’re putting my life into words. Wow. )
That's my mom right there. Always talking about other people and criticizing. The insecurity is just on full display. It's a pain just to stay in the same space with her.
Thanks for taking about the covert narcissist ❤️ They often go undetected and do much damage in relationships. Dr. Ramani, you have inspired me to start my channel. Keep the videos coming👏🏾
I too am grateful. She was spot on. I was the scapegoat in my family for over 5 decades. Grateful to be out and breaking generational curses with my grandchildren and others. I will let my light shine until I leave this earth🙏🏽💖
This is my sister exactly, point for point. You know her better than anyone else in the world except for me. My mom died when I was 10 and my dad, who had about half of these traits, neglected us. So my sister became my mother/parent figure. Now we’re middle aged and her life has been tragedy after tragedy, she’s in an awful place and she never married or had kids and is completely alone. She’s broken apart all family and friendships. Over time she convinced our relatives to disown me. I have married and have beautiful kids and have a nice stable life. Her envy is off the charts. She despises me. But I’m the only person she has. Now it’s to the point where I take care of her or she goes homeless. She’s starting to steal. She has raged on me my entire life. My guilt of not taking care of her is overwhelming, and she’s the only family I have left, but I just want to be free.
I have to listen to these videos on repeat 100x. I can’t fully grasp it. But it’s so obvious. Thank you.
As I listened to Dr R the penny dropped. My mother was a covert narcissist. So much insight. Thank you.
It's weird. They want you to do things like be a cheerleader, be a dancer, be smart, be a prom queen, graduate, go to college etc... Then when you accomplish any of those things there is punishment. It's definitely confusing.
You just described my last boyfriend, he fit every single covert narcissist trait. I feel like a fool for giving 2 years of my life trying to help him, but thank god I’m free and finally detaching myself from him. Eye opening video.
you are NOT a fool, honey, the one above who's there 23 year IS.
I am the daughter of a malignant narcissist and I recently dated a covert narcissist. I would benefit greatly from more content about covert narcissism. This video was tremendously helpful. A huge lightbulb has gone off. I am so grateful.
being in a family that always manipulated how i was allowed to feel at any given time and being afraid to go home in case they were feeling "in a mood" ...it has me feeling like I'm being described here too 😭
but there are some nice differentiators! thankfully:
- Teamwork is something i treasure, despite my preference to work alone. I love the comradery of brainstorming and supporting new ideas, and combining new techniques to make things easier for everyone. it makes work so much more satisfying to be able to depend on the people you spend 80% of your waking life with.
- I don't sit and wait for good things to happen to me. I find my own ways to make due without the conditional support and subtle mockery when I tell my "support" network any little thing that made me feel happy. i always leave the conversation feeling like i didn't do enough.
- I do not ever let myself stay complacent in knowledge. if new information disregards something I was "raised to believe", I disregard it and move on in life with that growth.
- I don't say the 'must be nice' thing seriously, i developed a lot of maladaptive coping techniques to not be the topic of my grandmothers "must be nice" speeches, as it would turn into outright rage.
- Everyone else has their own problems, I'm always trying to make sure I acknowledge that, even with my family that make their problems my own. i do my best not to hold that against them unless their actions continue to cross my few boundaries. those boundaries have always been imaginary and only exist if I cross theirs.
- The judgmental nature is just family dinner table chatter
The one thing I can't get over is their need to pay for everything despite my pleas to let me figure it out on my own. i learned at 12 my "being spoiled' was to make sure people think I am as they pay for everything to hold it over me, so that's "heroic" i suppose lol. i'm tired. it took all day to come up with those difference, and bawling
I grew up with this! It is difficult to even share details with others because no one can imagine the kind of horror this kind of narcissist can unleash on kids (who were straight A students and behaved ethically). The lack of validation or pride in how well the kids did in school was very difficult to swallow. Very well done video. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
The narcissist I know can go from overt to covert , when life and things are going good them they’re over the top overt , however when they SELF sabotage they go straight into vulnerable narcissist . It’s almost like dealing with two different people . Only way I can describe this is INSANITY if you’re a family member or partner...... I’m currently going through ptsd because of many decades of abuse . Thank you so much Dr Ramani , would love your opinion on this ❤
Yes when they are collapsing they go into overt mode and rage when they can't have their way.
Omg yea been there. Two different people, it almost made me think I was crazy, but they were way over the top with the crazy shit
this is my former best friend. I was sucked in by his victimhood, he was saying I am his 'only friend', that 'I never call', and I wasn't texting enough and was just making me uncomfortable. I said I needed space [and tried to set boundaries over something I believe he did] he denied, gaslit, word saladed, shamed and blamed me, tried to force me to apologise he had a full on emotional victim meltdown, like all tsunami of pain and blaming and shaming me. Flipped it over to make me the 'bad person'. I know a lot about narcissism but I still didn't spot it until the mask came off- they sure know how to hide. I tried to 'save' him as well but he never did anything to fix his problems.
I walked away.
Jeez, this really describes my mom to T. But she also exhibits grandiose with a dash of malignant too. We were very isolated, especially the older she got. Now I am afraid to let people in. So, now the isolation continues.
My mom was severely abused and neglected as a child though. That’s the part that hurts so much, there’s a photo of her as a little girl that hold close by. I wish I could go back in time and hold that little girl and change the course of her life. I honestly believe she would be a different person had she been loved and nurtured.