Waiting for a bus that is never coming It’s an unfulfilling reality You will never be seen Never be acknowledged Never feel loved in return Never be respected Never be heard Never be appreciated Never feel included Never feel wanted Never feel cherished Never feel adored Never feel good enough Never feel supported Never feel worthy They will never change
Not true for all...some are NEVER consistent and do some of these things somet of the ime to get something or just to play with you like a cat batting a mouse around. Its more fun torturing them before you kI think saying NEVER and always when defining these creatures is why so many people are confused.
I'm reading through each and every comment, honoring every person here who was neglected by a narcissist. We begin to see and listen to ourselves and each other and this is the beginning of our freedom. Thank you all for sharing.
I was driven to the depths of despair by a covert narcissist and his mother.for years .with neglect and indifference , it was a slow process and I didn’t know that they both were emotionally and psychologically abuse-ing me and getting off on it.....The sicker I got, the happier they were.....I was unrecognisable .... and could hardly even speak......And not one of them asked if I was ok , not even once.....People that hardly knew me were asking if I was ok ....... I didn’t realise that I was being punished for being a good wife and mother ..... Thank-you Dr RAMANI 🙏you are spot on with everything you teach....
I'm a good person but am trying to get out of feeling so bad by my narc knowing I was neglected so he could be off trashing me to whomever & convincing them I was everything I wasn't & convincing me I was nothing good. I kept telling him to stop putting his problems on me! Kept telling me to shut up til he'd beat me to try shutting me up! To him I had nothing worth listening to but in actuality he was & still is jealous that I'm smarter than him!
This is 100% my ex. I spent so much energy trying to please him. He was like a cup with a hole in the bottom. You pour and pour and it made no difference.
My mother. She would never admit it tho. Whenever I confront her, she turns it around so that it was somehow my fault. I wish I had had this info years ago.
My ex was like this too. I always felt like a jester capering about trying to please the king. In the end it was always off with her head, meaning he went back to ignoring me.
Yes! But then my ex told me When he discarded me I made him miserable... everything he loved about me was also what he hated about me. He only liked going out and doing fun things if it was with his friends not just me and him.... he couldn’t even hold conversations with me where he wasn’t talking about his work really... it was a lot of sitting in silence. I was vulnerable from the get go with him shared everything about myself about me and he hardly shared anything about himself.... and when I did something he didn’t like he would be critical of me...
After 13 yrs of marriage, I FINALLY stopped caring. It's like a switch just flipped. Now, I happily pursue whatever makes me happy and am barely acknowledging HIS existance instead of the other way around. He hates it. I still dont care. It's not about tit for tat. I truly dont care what he does anymore and am solely focused on my own happiness. It is SO liberating. Why did it take so long for me to get here?
That's what i started to do it feels fantastic a brand new me. I know for years but can't leave every time i told him to leave he would make a drama or prey on the children i have 3 boy's and a daughter together It's took the death of my 2nd Son just a month ago he has been so cold i couldn't take it i expose his behaviour ppl are finally seeing it I've be with him for 11 years My family is not supposed at all and he likes that, i look up narcissist before but it don't match but neglectful narcissist Is him for top to bottom. Now i can explain to myself and close family what I've been going through Nothing before time
This has been so validating. I knew I was dealing with narcissistic behavior but the typical descriptions never felt quite right - even the covert description (which until these videos felt the closest). But this is spot on. I felt like a ghost in my own house. I felt like furniture - unless he needed something then I was his best friend. He gave away all the energy that should have been for his family to other families or some obsessive hobby or a new sexual partner. Because it’s an abuse that is hard to pin down it’s hard to know you’re in an abusive relationship. He never yelled at me, called me names, or laid a hand on me - I just didn’t matter. So until about a year ago I wouldn’t have called it abuse. So yes, these videos are incredibly validating. Thank you!!!!
Same here. I’m very familiar with garden variety covert narcissism, but have never come across neglectful narcissists before. I thought first that he was a dismissive avoidant, but started noticing that he was devoid of empathy and had zero compassion for anyone. Then he started doing emotional abuse and the usual narc things (gaslighting, projecting, blame shifting, not taking responsibility for anything, intermittent reinforcement, bread crumbing, never apologising, etc.) Luckily, I’m well educated on that due to last narcissistic abuse. This video was an eye opener. I’m done. Have never felt so invisible and unwanted in my life ever before.
My narc was so neglectful that he didn't even understand I was neglecting him back. They neglect even our counter reaction to such an extent that they turn out to be a fool.
I'm thinking my girlfriend is a neglectful narcissists, so I'm about to see how she reacts to me neglecting her for a week or two... See if she even notices...
Yes! Before I broke up with my ex I stopped giving him ‘Welcome Home’ kisses and he never noticed. Unfortunately we’re still under the same roof, but at least I get to heal now and not feel like I’m going crazy!
I used to say to mine, "I'm invisible to you aren't I? I could be dying on the side of the road and you'd drive straight past." But he could give me attention when he needed something from me.
Say "No" to these people when they approach you to "serve" them in some way. Watch their stunned reaction, when you exercise self-respect and self-care. When they complain or try to guilt trip you, tell them you are not feeling guilty for taking care of yourself and that you are just following their lead, those are the consequences for invalidating your personhood. I am for team healthy! Spray RAID on these narc roaches.
Plus all that time you spent making sure the relationship, home, garden was well tended is now available for YOU. Have a great and happy day; nothing pisses them off more 😂
Having a child with one of these types makes saying no a chess move. I know anytime I say no or I can't do it right when they like, a tantrum and some "pay back" will come in the form of neglect with this type. If I say no I can't pick up the kids last minute right now for you. You can bet they will be late or unable to transport the kids to the next thing or even not attend or transport them for the next several months. Not caring if it hurts their child at all. It's very frustrating. I have come to obviously just not count on them for anything and deal with the fake concern about them missing out whenever they need to look like a loving parent for others.
Sammey 04 they will reap what they sow, because the kids will figure out what terrible parents and people, because childhood is short. When the adult children stop adoring them for being jerks.
All makes sense now! Got me to do crazy things just to get his attention. I was the one who was doing all the raging, crying and begging to be noticed. I start feeling like a narcissist. A whole bunch of emotions and confusion that created a depression. When Dr.Ramani said you are there to serve their purpose,you are their assistant, they are nicely and behave normal only when they need something was spot on. I constantly felt like a slave and of course that was never good enough for him. It is all clear now. I can't thank you enough for all this clarity you give us Dr.Ramani
This video made me weep. I finally left and am trying to do the work but I really miss what is familiar. It’s a grieving process when you realize that the person you loved never even saw you.
I'm 68-years-old now. My parents were raised in the time of 'Children are to be seen, and not heard'. And this was the way my parents raised us four kids. I was the one most deeply impacted by this... we were 'trophies' to them, not actual 'people'. This drove me into partying... drinking, smoking pot, etc. (not hard drugs). Still, I was so empty inside that I tried two suicide attempts, (with Reds... Seconal). My parents didn't notice at all when I came home all f'd-up. At last, I felt myself so 'disappeared', so like a 'ghost', that I whispered to my mother one day that I was 'crazy'. I was 16-years-old. I guess she finally noticed the vacant look in my eyes and called a friend of hers to get the name of a psychologist. They took me over to this woman, (who was of their age), and we began. She told me she would not treat me unless I stopped all the drugs/drinking. I agreed and did so. After three sessions, she called my parents to have them come in for 'family counseling'. They cancelled 3 times. I was in her office when it was the the 3rd time. She said to me, if they call and cancel this time, I won't reschedule them again. And sure enough, she no sooner got the words out of her mouth than the phone rang. It was my mother cancelling the appointment. She hung-up the phone and I burst into tears. She did something I know counselors don't normally do. She came over, sat on the sofa very close to me, and held me in her arms while I sobbed uncontrollably. She kept stroking my hair and saying, 'I'm so sorry, so very sorry. You are too young to be abandoned like this.' I realized then that, 'Wow, it's really NOT me, it's them. I'm not crazy after all.' And then the deep, utter sadness of realizing that my parents would rather see me dead, (and garner all the sympathy they could from a suicidal burial), than come in and save not only their daughter, but themselves and their marriage as well'. That was 52-years ago. When my son was 8, I gave him a fun-filled birthday party, a pool party, at my home as he was born in July. It was a fantastic day. I invited my mom to come over and join the festivities, (my father had passed-away some 6-years earlier). I was tending the bar-b-que when, all of a sudden, my son ran up to me. As I bent down, he threw his arms around my neck and fairly shouted, 'This is the best birthday ever, mom!', kissed me on the cheek, then ran off and jumped in the pool again. My mother, who was sitting at the picnic table behind me, witnessed all this. She came over to me, put her hand on my back, and said, with tears in her eyes, 'You are a better mother than I ever was,' and walked away into the house. I should have rejoiced at this... her 'comeuppance' at last! But I didn't. It made me sad to realize that she never had that kind of spontaneous, joyful exchange from any of her kids. I thought, maybe if she had been raised differently, she too could have experienced such. The daughter teaching the mother how to be a mother? Aye. I reached out to her in my thoughts and said, 'This is how it's done, mom. Watch, listen, learn... for next time 'round.' Back then, (1968), we didn't have words like 'Narcissism', nor all the different kinds of Narcissism that Dr. Ramani is pointing out to us in this series; at least, not to my knowledge. But, I got thru it without all those words, and now, with all this knowledge Dr. Ramani is bringing to us, YOU WILL TOO! YOU'RE NOT CRAZY. For, to be raised by emotionally vacant people, is a fate worse than death. It is a slow, painful, withering away of body and soul. A tragic feeling of not being wanted here, welcomed here. So, GET UP! Help yourself, heal yourself, live the life you have dreamed of... not materially, (altho that is quite nice, LOL), live a life RICH in meaning. A life that can only be granted to those that CAN and DO emotionally connect with another human being. A book by Sandra Ingerman called, 'Soul Retrieval', and a music CD by Shaina Noll, 'Songs for the Inner Child' will be very userul in your healing process... both very tender and touching. A little taste, 'It's A Joy To Get To Know You'... ruclips.net/video/CYJG5NEWfrM/видео.html
Wow. I'm literally in tears right now. Thanks for sharing. I can relate because I have a neglectful covert narcissist husband. It's kind of relief to see people from the other part of the world and from a different generation having similar experience. By th way I'm 32 and I'm from Tunisia (a small country in North Africa).
@@sihemlazaar6450 You're welcome. {{{hugs hugs hugs}}} Narcissim knows no bounds... it thrives beyond nationality, culture, race, religion, gender, age. Now that you've identified your husband as a narcissist, I hope you are 1. letting go of the dream you once had for your marriage; and 2. are making concrete plans to leave. I pray, for your sake, that both are true.
@@fairemaiden thanks a lot dear. Actually I did let go of my fairy tale -like dream of mariage. However, concerning leaving, I don't think I'm able to leave with 3 children. It's too expensive and exhausting or maybe I'm just too coward to leave. God bless you 😙
My dad asked me if I was lonely in the night times now after leaving my narcissistic husband of 13 years. I responded that I was always lonely before. He always had an excuse not to spend time with me or talk to me. He had a habit of walking away, even in the middle of a "conversation" and not saying where he was going or when he'd be back. If I had people over they'd always ask where he was and it was always the same response, I have no idea. The difference now is that now I don't care where he is.
Sometimes "Ah! moments" are hiding in the simplest of things. I was strolling along a boulevard with my neglectful narcissist wife of seventeen years when I noticed that she was walking on my half of the sidewalk and forcing me off onto the grass. She was walking alone.
While married to a neglectful narcissist I was in a car accident with a school bus full of children. When I called my husband he was only about a mile or so away but buying himself lunch. He told me what I should do with the insurance and police and then hung up the phone. I thought about this for a few minutes. I was so confused. I couldn’t believe that he was not going to come to give me support. I called him back and insisted that he come. And just like a good little neglectful narcissist that he is, he huffed and puffed- acted irritated and made his way to the accident scene. It took a very long time to get things squared away. He couldn’t stay. he had such an important job running charter schools in Albany New York that he had to leave. Another mother gave me a ride home. So nice to know that your husband’s going to be there to have your back when you need him.This was a real turning point for me. Major red flag. And I’m happy to report that I have been away from that darkness for over seven years. Yippee to me‼️ I am a “ contempted gaslighter ” survivor.🤣
Another tactic of a neglectful narcissist is they say they are withdrawn because they are depressed or overwhelmed with life. So then you try to cheer them up, or do extra to lighten their load but it's never enough and they just act all sulky and complain you didn't do anything when they do speak to you which are rare occasions.
Talk about being invisible.. my spouse and I were having an anniversary dinner in a restaurant one evening. He kept answering his phone and making new calls. I took my phone, dialed his number and when he answered I said-can you please put your phone away and talk to me. Holding his phone to his ear he swung around, looked around the restaurant and said "where are you" I was sitting directly across from him at the table and had been there for the past 20 minutes. It was a turning point for me because I realized how hopeless the relationship really was.
Yikes! This is next-level! Good for you for calling him though! I try to think of these things as Gifts of clarity now. So much of their bad behavior is sneaky, ambiguous, or invisible. Stories like this make the situation clear. Wishing you well!
And when you go out with them for an event, they immediately walk off and talk to everyone else but you. Infact you could leave the party and they won't even notice you have left until it is time to go home. Thank-you for giving this a name and telling us we have not gone mad and that it is not in our imagination!
I lived with a person like this for 20 + years , actually will make you sick to your stomach , they do suck the life out of you , and when they succeed , they come back for more narc supply , you have to go grayrock for your own sanity
This was spot on Dr. Ramani. It’s so true, that the neglect becomes the hook and you keep trying to dig further and further to find the gold at the bottom of the pit, till you realize that you have just dug yourself in a hole! God bless you for all the good work that you do, in explaining the daily mechanics of these relationships.
This is my situation. Yet I watch him be the opposite with his female work partners. It's very hurtful. It brings about pain, jealousy, and rage. None of which I handle very well. It took a long time for me to figure this all out. I very much appreciate your videos on this topic.
It takes a long time because our minds can’t ‘go there’. I always knew he was hard to get along with, an obstructionist, a victim of unfair treatment in this world, like needing an award for going to work and having it harder than anyone else!, but Never could I have imagined being with someone for decades and them setting up of all these things, which also happened in my life, was plotting, planning and intentional!!!! Covert Internal psychological warfare! Also abandonment in the name of work out of town, disappearing when home, covertly demeaning their mother, leaving a path of destruction in his 2 adult girls that I will never understand! someone choosing to run from life and us. I will not live there (in the past) but I don’t know if it can ever quit blowing my mind how people’s mind’s become this way!! They are the utmost in sadistic and cruel!!
Laura Seiter I keep watching this kind of video over and over, to help myself pay attention and accept reality - and realise there are a LOT of unpleasant people and even willfully nasty attacking people out there - to stop myself being naive and wasting my time in hurtful, draining situations. We have to be watchful and mindful.
@@Bailey5940 wow! Yes all aspects are terrible, but then to learn it's intentional! I have come to realize this too and it's one of the harder aspects. Sorry for all you have gone through!
I am struggling in this arena also and learning that I am worthy, I am loveable, I am valuable and I am enough. It’s excruciating to see how other women are valued and appreciated while we are devalued and minimized. Know that those women will eventually be devalued too it’s just a matter of time. The trauma bond is very powerful and detaching from an unhealthy union is not easy despite what others may think. In fact, it’s even harder and that alone makes us feel harshly judged, ridiculed or scoffed at. People just don’t get how agonizingly difficult a toxic dysfunctional relationship is to sever yourself from. I never thot I would be one of “those “ women but I realize it can happen to anyone. No one☝️is truly exempt unless educated, has a strong sense of self and high self respect ✊ with healthy beliefs. Stay true to you first and foremost ❤️
I remembered 2 patterns while listening to this. The first was that I used to sit on the couch with my (now ex) husband for hours without him saying one word to me. But, as soon as I picked up a book, or got up to do anything, suddenly he needed my undivided attention! This used to aggravate me to no end, but once I recognized the pattern, I stopped expecting anything else. The second pattern was that after long periods of neglect, I started neglecting myself. I remember asking myself, out loud, "If nobody else cares then why should I?" During this forced isolation, I haven't consciously asked the question, but I am repeating the neglectful behavior. Thanks for the insight and reminder to take care of myself.
"The first was that I used to sit on the couch with my (now ex) husband for hours without him saying one word to me. But, as soon as I picked up a book, or got up to do anything, suddenly he needed my undivided attention!" OMG YES. This. So much. I don't want you, but you can't do anything else. I won't help you, but don't you dare get someone else to help you. Etc. It's a trap, where there is no right answer. I'm so glad you are able to leave yours. Thank you for sharing.
@@jedivet I totally forgot about the "I won't help you, but don't you dare get someone else to help!" Seriously, I can't even fathom having that attitude towards anyone, yet I put up with it for years. He also didn't like me helping him -- he wanted for me to have already done whatever it was he couldn't do. Are you able to escape?
OMG, the same thing happens to me! In a car together I was always the one doing the talking and finally realized that he won't give me what I need, actual conversation. I noticed it I am on my phone or reading a book that is the only time he tries to get my attention!!!!!! So now I just ignore him right back. I am done trying to get his attention or have any meaningful convo. Funny thing-Back when we lived in different states, he wooed me on the phone, talked for hours, and I thought I had a man who was a communicator, only to find out later it was his way of love bombing me bc when I left my job, my state, my family for him, he began neglecting me and it has only gotten worse over the 30 yrs. we've been married. Now that I have started to disengage? (bc he's an alcoholic) he is love bombing me by pretending interest, calling me several times a day, which is now just an annoyance bc if anything I want him to leave me alone now. He just wants me bc then he will have his housekeeper & cook bc that is the only thing he cares about imo. Why is it still so hard to leave the marriage?
Thanks for explaining this, I'm an avoidant attachment style and some people are really hard to pay attention to because they trigger me and I dissociate, but I'm relieved when people find other people or other things to do. I tell them I'm happy for them. So, thanks for helping me understand the difference.
The best video I have ever seen on narcissism that *perfectly* describes my marriage and soon to be ex husband. I can’t even tell you how thankful I am to you for making this video. It’s finally put all the pieces together for me so I can move forward with healing!
I went from having a neglectful mom to a neglectful spouse. I thought when I met him I had finally found someone who really saw and understood me. He love bombed me, paid me all kinds of attention. I was very young and naive,so I bought his act. After we were married I noticed that suddenly he didn't pay me the same attention he did before we were married. I lost forty years of my life trying to please him and being a "Good enough" wife, but he left me in the end. I lost my identity and at 61 I'm trying to find out who I am on my own. Very daunting process. Interestingly he told me after we separated that he "Never wanted anything so much as when he couldn't have it." I wish I had seen this in him before I wasted my life on a no win situation.
I so feel your pain. 30 yrs of marriage now but still together. Im also in my 60s .I am a shell now but I am his carer so feel I can't leave him now. All of the marriage I have been devastated by how he could have so much time for work and hobby but no time for me. He would tell me "well I'm here with you watching TV so we're spending time together" even though he's doing 10 different things at the same time but not engaging in the show or me so then I can't even enjoy the show. He has given money to people without telling me and can't understand why I'm upset as if it's only his money to use. Neglects birthday, anniversaries, Xmas even going on holidays. On it goes all those things that cut to the bone. But hey he tells everyone how much he loves me so they think I am so lucky to have him. And then I think we'll he must love me then ( and yet I feel anything but loved) But as soon as a work event comes along where he is the presenter he can fly off for days. When I talk to him he just says " no". I'm looking at him like how can you say no? Are you saying I don't feel that? In the beginning you do all the " let's sit down and talk about things in a mature way" but after years of him stonewalling I understand your rage and yelling because the hurt, confusion and frustration is just so overwhelming. I find myself screaming Why won't you listen to me/ why dont you get this?? Instead he rolls his eyes, shakes his head, turns on the TV, walks out of the room or literally puts his hand up in front of me to cut me off. It's so dehumanising. I'm glad you're out of it even though it is hard you will heal. I just cant deal with the guilt of leaving a disabled person who has no one else to take on the responsibility . Good luck and I truly hope you find peace and happiness.💌
I watched this one with tears. Thank you. My relationship with Christ has made it possible to power through the neglectful relationship with my wife. As you said doctor, most literature and resources haven't _quite_ identified with my situation, but this one hits the nail on the head. Again, thank you.
Paul same here.this hit home hard.my relationship with Jesus has made me go through the storms and this neglect which is like a thorn on your behind..I keep myself busy
Same me, i got close to Jesus he is my friend and my guide . My ex was always on the phone when I did all. Bible filled my day. I'm still hurting because he just like that decided we no longer on the same page and left us . I know God stepped in and this had to happen. 🙏
They specialize in the carrot and the stick. You hope and follow the carrot, thinking they share the goals you mutually agreed on. It pains me that people like this exist and you do feel very stupid and naive. No one wants to believe they could be duped like this. I wish I could stop them from hurting other people. You’re work, Dr. Ramani, offers much needed validation! Thank you!
Dr Ramani thank you for these videos. I spent 20 yrs of my life thinking I was invisible unless they needed something, then I was only seen until their need was met and then I became invisible again. People who have not experienced this have no idea how soul crushing it is. I am still surprised that people can actually see me and there is always that thought in the back of my mind if they do see me they don't care about me they just want something. It puts you on guard, fosters suspicion and makes for a very lonely existence. I'm trying to come back from that and make a new life.
Thank you for posting this, I have had this same feeling my whole life and this part really hit home for me "I am still surprised that people can actually see me and there is always that thought in the back of my mind if they do see me they don't care about me they just want something." We all deserve to be seen, but it's so hard to switch to that belief just overnight. Still working on this too. I wish you all the best on your healing journey 🙏
I'm out of it and very happy, so now I can laugh 😊 But, I waited 12 years for that bus! 🤣 when you said that! I eventually ended up keeping my "self" hidden and safe, inside " the robot", out of contempt (since he would not see me, I would not LET him see me) while I worked on my separate future. After he left (My son and i came first, so I held my ground on the rented townhouse), it's as if light and space expanded and I appeared, like in the transporter in Star Trek lol....I emerged as a separate person....RELIEF!
"This thing you were enduring, was real" really spoke to me. And "A garden that is never watered." Thank you Dr. Ramani for putting your time and knowledge into this series. It is exactly what I needed, some understanding into my last 18 years. Though I still hurt, from having to say "he will never see you" over and over to myself so I can stop 'hoping,' I at least can keep telling myself that it is not because of my worth, but because of his personality
Husband showed no affection unless it was lustful attention due to him wanting it. He hates to converse unless it’s about him and his dreams and interests. He wouldn’t talk at all, and I remember I’d try to bring up things he likes to talk about just to have some interaction with him. Everytime I’d talk about stuff about me, about my family or friends, he would stare blankly say at the tv, the road, or the wall or his phone without a response. I used to think he was just socially awkward. I’m glad I found this video.
@Steve Miller Nice trolling there. Thing is I've been through a relationship with a female Narcissist so it'll take more than a blanket statement on RUclips to invalidate my experiences.
“They do not need to notice anyone if they feel they can’t be bothered.” If we met friends in the street, he would literally just leave me alone and walk away. I remember trying to introduce him to a friend one time, he smiled and just walked away. I would try to have a discussion with him and only get a blank stare. His eyes were empty, it was scary. Four months free!
Same, walk away when I stopped to talk to people I knew in the village and would always pass the time with when walking dog on my own. If was so rude. So many people said to me when separated, what were you doing with him,? Your so friendly but he was a bit strange. In work he was successful and sent all his energy on work relationships because that suited his addenda! So glad he’s out of my life now for good!
I'm still stuck in mine...he never hit me, never calls me names never gives any signs of abuse. So I've stayed for almost 3 years. But he's supporting me since I'm still looking for a job... Honestly that blank stare makes me feel so sick to my stomache now. My brother even tells me what's wrong with him he doesn't even have a soul. He jokes. And I'm like idk...but then I feel like if I leave him I'm leaving a guy with issues that just needs help. I'm scared thinking what if he's just depressed and if I leave will he get more depressed and somthing happen to him? I'm literally tearing my mental health apart staying with him. But now I'm at the point where I can't even leave cause I'll be homeless if I just leave. My mom would tell me if it feels crazy. It's probably because it is crazy. It does feel crazy. It feels mental. I'd rather be single then feel so damn alone with him. The times that he is there, he tells me stories about work and I get so sick on the fact that he has full conversations with these people at work and he seems to have the time of his life. While he neglects me and can't even have a full conversation like that with me. Sees me hardly once a week and tells me about how happy he is at work. Somtime I drift off cause my brain feels fried from all the effort I keep putting into this. Always trying to keep the relationship up. I keep thinking maybe I'm just going mental from an underlying problem. But no....5 motnhs after meeting him I noticed my health start to deplete. I just can't believe I've kept this going for so long for myself I should've left when I had the chance. But now I gotta dig my way out..m
@@wewillstandwithchrist9669 Run, run, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction! He will never give you passion, love, nor affection & attention... It only gets worse and resort to silly games to try and win his affection... I totally relate to the empty eyes... his whole family has those eyes, they are all pleasure seekers... They life and slander if you don't do what they want... He is a quiet neglectful narcissist, they are loud and bombarding... 10 years together 8 years married & living together, 5 years without rings 💍, two years of separate rooms (also because of snoring & his alarm ⏰️ @2am that he doesn't always get up for). I have 5 kids and he taught them all to destroy & disrespect everything I established... I have imploded & crumbled into a pile of nothing now... I have almost no energy to even get out of bed & I FeeL all my hardwork is worthless... I am ready for divorce & wish I had done it sooner... or validated myself and moved on...
It gets clearer with every of your videos I am watching. Cartwheels in the living room: Poetry, songs, drawing, crafting, performing, always performing. Still today: If I can make someone laugh, I feel this big relief - "I've made it through". At best he never cared. At worst he punished me arbitrarily for whatever kids do. Mostly invalidation and silent treatment. But me getting anything right to win him over - no, that was never an option in the game. Radical acceptance helped here. Now that I am finally calling him out on his behavior, he calls me arrogant and narcissistic, lazy and prone to addiction (btw: I'm currently doing my master's degree in clinical psychology while working part-time. No time or money for addictions XD). And though I've been on my healing journey for 16 years now, sometimes anger and sadness take over - and I finally allow myself to feel them. The hole will never fully disappear, but it gets smaller and bearable. Honors to my chosen family. Peace to everyone.
Two neglectful narcissist parents, only recently realised, and then you begin to see the behaviour and its impact- like they have never asked a question about me or my life. I think ever. They'd ask 'when are you taking the kids?', 'have they been fed?', 'when are you visiting?', but I don't think even a 'how are you/how was your day?'. Could never understand why I had so little self worth when objectively I'm 'successful' and 'loved' and 'normal' people are always very complementary about loads of aspects of me. Why I seemed to end up in other neglectful/abusive situations (not intimate partners, haven't valued myself enough yet to manage that) but work, friendships, wider family where I'm used and burnt out and don't get the most basic of respect from certain people (it is almost like they can sniff me out). It is all starting to make sense but so many years of patterns to unpick, and new healthy behaviours to practice. When its parents you can't cut out or detach emotionally in the same way and with each realisation there a little grieving for what you never had and never will have. I know I should be parenting my inner child, but I already pseudo-parented my parents, siblings and niblings, probably won't have a family of my own, and I just want someone to care for me for once.
“It is a slow and invalidating process.” The slow increase of my invisibility, made me feel helpless. I’d try and try to get some attention but there was never time for me, or he didn’t have anything to talk about. Once he finally discarded me, it took a few months but I started to get me back. I did the acceptance, all the things I wanted to say and for him to understand wouldn’t be worth the breath to express to him. Accept it will always be that he doesn’t care, so don’t waste my time and energy. I have moved forward and am enjoying me and the new relationships I am developing, that are healthy.
Nancy Quinones thank you, it’s a work in progress. Now, that you know what you’re dealing with you’ll better calculate what you need to do. You will be free again, you will be happy again. I am here rooting for you!
At minute mark 8:40 “ It is essential that you don’t personalize it. This is them. This is what they do. They neglect. And when you see it against the larger narcissistic framework of their lack of empathy and entitlement, they really do believe that they don’t need to notice anyone if they feel they can’t be bothered. Don’t personalize it and cultivate other spaces in your life where you are seen.” Brilliantly said Dr Ramani. Thank you. A 20 year marriage and I always said I felt like a place holder or a house cat that was convenient to have around when he felt like giving it a pat.
I dated this for more than two years. Two years of feeling neglected, invisible and craving affection. It’s a terrible situation that’s paradoxically very difficult to leave but we all deserve to be loved. Thank you Dr. Ramani, 💗 your videos really do make a difference
My dad and two ex boyfriends are this type exactly. In my experience they absolutely will rage when pressured or questioned (when they sustain a "narcissistic injury"), to the point of physical abuse. These outbursts would be the precursor to even longer stretches of complete neglect and abandonment, despite them triggering the conflict. The yelling and rage would seem like a means of evasion for direct questions. Gaslighting is a favorite for this type because it puts so much distance between them and the responsibility for anyone else's feelings. When I was little my dad would put me in time outs for hours at a time to avoid confronting "issues" I presented, such as emotional distress. And when he was working at home it was known that going into the room, even when timidly asking if he was hungry, would result in scathing contempt. The ability for the neglectful narcissist to give a death glare before storming out is unprecedented. A request may be granted in the moment, and then be forgotten if it's anything but completely appealing to them. Once an ex accidentally served me gluten (I have Celiac) and when I proceeded to throw up, he complained about going to the store to get enzymes and medications. After he returned he had gotten the wrong thing and forgotten another. When I pointed this out, very sick, he berated me for the inconvenience to him. He showed his contempt actively for days after. This is one of countless instances of abuse, and isn't the worst by far. His go-to excuse was work, though his chosen "friends" (all male colleagues who he admired) were in close second. The neglectful narcissist is the worst fair weather friend, because even when they're pretending to be good to you, behind it is a nothing but a lie.
This rings so true. I am now 1 year out of a 23 year relationship and SO often recall when I would tell a story about my day and he would have this blank expression. And then just start talking about his day or his work or something about how HE related to someone...and I would stand there and go...did you not even hear what I just said.... Then other times in the middle of a story he would just start talking about his day and I would just give up, and give over and listen and it your existence disappears in a cloud of white noise. Every time I would address this in out arguments, he used to tell me that everything I say is white noise so he has does not have the capacity to hear it. I would inform him of things several times and then when the day comes he would crap on me for not telling him and though I would say, I told you several times, her would reply: well you talk so much noise, I don't know when to listen and when not. Eventually I just stopped talking and then he would tell me that I don't talk to him and that is why everything goes wrong. I this is hard, but so true....
@Jacques Du Rand The AUDACITY of your ex actually saying out loud to another human being that what you said was "white noise!" Despicable! - On one of the countless times I tried to address my longtime "friend's" terrible, non-reciprocal listening, she actually tried to manipulate me that I should UNDERSTAND how she couldn't help it because the things I said were just so boring. Wow. And yet I stayed several more YEARS after that! - When I finally decided NO MORE and told her so, it was like a cloud lifted that I hadn't even noticed was blocking the sun. I hope you have had a similar experience. Congratulations on THREE YEARS of freedom! Wishing you well!
Do not let narcs gaslight you into thinking you that how little they value you = what is your true worth. No one defines your worth but you. Thank you Dr Ramani for all your many videos studying this. It's helped me to have a better grasp on what I've been up against since the moment of my conception, even through today, and still daily. I have gone on a campaign of removing all in my life those who use lies as tools, and I'm nearly done frying my biggest fish, so to speak. Education like this can empower us to take control of lives we've let others run for so long.
I feel so validated right now. I tried so hard to just be noticed by her. But she said that by “chasing” her I was just pushing her further away. In other words, it was my fault.
Thank you for your validation. I have been in a 15 year relationship with my husband that is a neglectful narcissist. Even just calling him that is uninteresting. This entire time I have felt so lonely and felt like I was going crazy. People would think I am fool to want to leave him because of what he can provide, but inside I never felt heard and doubted myself. I am going to leave him. There are people that can love me and show me that. Thank you
This is my third time watching through this series on neglectful narcissists. Dr. Ramani you have literally changed my life. I have felt like I am crazy for so long, and it just made him control and gaslight me even more. Marriage to an entitled self-absorbed neglectful partner is absolute hell. I have completely lost myself. I am starting to be able to breathe and realize I am not crazy. I am tired of being held hostage by his endless insecurities and emotional punishment if I don't make him feel good about himself 24/7. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are reaching so many people and giving us our lives back.
My fall out was depression, suicidal thoughts, learning that I'm worthless, that my only value is in doing for others and giving but I never had any words for it. No one recognized me or the situation and I grew up in a big family. God blessed me and carried me my whole life and I am thankful daily.
So true I heard this in english they called it the human disconnect and in french they called it the silent radio. I will share another thing they also called this flee me i follow you, follow me I fled from you. The result of this relationship at the end is often Trauma Bonding. I really think they do this because they want us to put their needs first and have a power dynamic.
Isabelle Parise pas forcément... ma famille fait semblant que je n’existe pas jusqu’au moment où ils ont besoin de quelque chose. Ma mère ne réponds même pas quand je lui parle. Mes sœurs ne prennent jamais de mes nouvelles et parfois ne répondent pas à mes messages et si je leur reprochent elles continuent à ne pas répondre. J’ai toujours eu l’impression que j’avais fait quelque chose de mal.
Wow. Just went through another holiday having to go through this. I feel like a piece of furniture. So happy to have found you. Now to figure out how to move on. It’s a living hell being with these people.
My sister talked nonstop forc2 hours. She's my mom's favorite. My mom ignored everyone else. Her grandchildren where upset. My husband was pisted. I warned my husband my mom and sister aren't real family just people I like to never see again. My grown sons hate my sister and we cut ties in 2015. My mom pasted away in march. I and my son's feel relieved. The family hell is over.
Sandra, it is a hell living with these people. Did you find a way to move on? I am faced with having to go no contact with what is left of my aging parents and family. I need to do it but I'm financially tied to them. Brutal. I hope you're ok.
@@shaymichelledavis9027 My situation is similar and I pray I’m out of my situation by Summer/Fall. I don’t want to spend another Thanksgiving or Christmas this way. So lonely and depressing being with someone so cruel
Thank you for this series, the only upside to all of this was the freedom in neglect. i have done what i wanted in my lonely way and drowned out the deafening silence. All is left is to cut the tiny silver chain that tethers me to the cold monster.
I have been with my husband for nearly 50 years. After the love bombing stage he almost ignored me except when he wanted sex or something and I thought he was strange. He was a workaholic and very stressed and needed me to vent to. After a while I felt like the housekeeper but we had children to care for (or at least I did). My daughter divorced her narcissistic husband and I started to study it a bit closer and realised that my husband had many narcissistic traits but could never pin them down to a type. Thank you Dr. Romani for describing the Neglectful narcissist, H fits squarely into this one. I am 76 now and have learned over many painful years to just treat him as he treats me and we co-exist quite amicably. Thank God for affectionate grandchildren.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani! This fits my ex to a tee and how I felt invisible or as if I didn't exist unless he wanted something from me. For 28 years I did just what you said - I was pragmatic about what I had and what I would never get from him, and I found love and support elsewhere from friends, family, and my church community, until I finally decided it was too painful to keep living that way, feeling invisible and disregarded in my primary relationship, and I left. The hardest part now is the friends and family who only saw things from the outside, and who can't understand why I would leave a "nice guy" and a marriage that was "fine."
@@elaine7860, I don't believe God would want anyone to stay in a relationship where they are being emotionally abused. In my case, I worked part-time during our marriage and kept that job afterward, and between that and the monthly alimony, have been able to make it financially. If you still have minor children, you should also get child support (mine were grown). You should also get 50% of the total assets. The hardest part has been losing friendships and relationships with his family, but that's been totally worth it to be out from under his thumb.
My ex (neglectful narcissist) before breakup said, "you are going to regret this". I asked what? He said, " That you let such a good man slip through through your hands".😂😂
I really resonate with the part about it becoming your identity to try and get them to notice you and be pleased as well as them using the slot machine psychology to make sure you never just give up. I did benifit from being married to this type in the way that I never really had to answer to anyone about what I was doing or compromise a lot. If he wanted to do something he did it no matter how our conversation went and didn't care what I did most of the time. However, it's not worth the constant loneliness and having a partner who really just doesn't care.
WOW. I'm so glad I got out when I did.. It was beginning to effect my self esteem and self worth! The strangest part is that my ex husband would do everything else. He took care of the bills, the yard, he engaged in surface level conversation with me and other family members. There was even occasional gifts! But ask him to engage in real human connection, vulnerability in the relationship or plan our life out as a couple, he was NOT interested. He was definitely not interested in me, and I believe I'm a pretty darn interesting person! Lol. Oh! And that arrogant, narcissistic side didn't allow him to attempt to even stop me from leaving. It was my loss in his mind. Until I was actually gone. Incredible to hear this description after knowing so much about other narcissistic traits and personalities. Wow. I really feel like I have escaped the point of no return! So thankful.
Such a challenge for us to work with the incorrect assumption that the neglectful narcissistic person "must know how I feel right now..." No. S/he is actually, in fact, not thinking about me. And to call the NN on this, share how I feel, will only annoy or anger him or her. Truth!
This comment or understanding of it could have saved me years spent cojoling the NN at the emotional "slot machine." Leave with my dignity in place knowing that God and me are enough, because the inevitable stonewalling and denial are whats granted from the NN and a half grin when it's convenient.
thank you. thank you. thank you. I could never put my finger on this. I saw the lack of empathy, I saw the entitlement, I saw the workaholism, I saw the putting just about everything/ every one over me ,the silent treatments, the fact I would hoop jump... in my case basically... not to be criticized, feeling not good enough, feeling like he wanted me to be a robot.The uncomfortableness with emotion.And the denial of any sexual relations for 13 years. Wow. I knew something was wrong but I never thought THIS.
@@robinrevell5873 leave. but I'm quarantined with him right now until Labor Day. I'm high risk and I have nowhere to go. No family. Kept me from getting a job for years because we had to move all over the country for HIS career. And he has a great career because I've handled everything else, quite frankly. So I'm pretty screwed. get a divorce. wtf else can I do? I can't take it anymore. I guess I never really realized how BAD it truly is because he was gone all the time. Now he's here 24/7.
This looks like my case. So sorry to hear this is so pervasive. I am trying to leave but have a 16 yr old and 11 yr old. Can someone help me crystal ball gaze this?
Re watching this. Because it’s so good and new things come up every time for me. Like this time. I’m realizing. My neglectful narcissists in my life at least the friends (not the family) both told me they felt it was weak to need people. That they genuinely didn’t like people and people don’t like who they are when they are themselves. That they don’t feel like they need people and prefer to be alone. And any friendly behavior is them masking how they really feel. I tried to listen because it was presented as a concern at the time. And then I started to see it. And it then made me feel like our entire friendship was a lie. Like they were just pretending to be nice yet seething about me in a corner with all their flying monkeys who perceived me a certain way because of them and eventually those negative emotions towards me they couldn’t hide anymore. Accept they tried and it was told to me through the grape vine they they have negative bias towards me. Never again. Will I spend so much energy when I feel it’s off. Now I see it. And am so glad I’m out. It’s taking me years to heal though.
What you describe, that's my life... Waiting to have cancer surgery, my narcissist sat way across the room. No words of comfort, no holding hands. Nothing. Very lonely time in my life also very scary because I was going to find out the extent of my cancer.
Omg, I hope you are ok now?! I relate in a non-medical sense... my ex husband decided we were moving from Los Angeles to the Bay Area so he could get his PhD at UC Berkeley. No discussion. When I protested that I didn't want to move there, he said, "Too bad, we've already done what you want to do." (Meaning, I went back to art school to finish my degree, now it's "His Turn.")
I'm sorry you experienced the deep part of such inconsiderateeness and lack of you're importance as the other half of the relationship. Amazing what narcissist can do with absolutely no empathy at all. Thank you for asking- I am okay. It's been about 18 years since that first bout with cancer. I have learned so much because of my narcissistic husband. Going through what I did has made me stronger. And I'm proud of that. By the way, I went to art school too. 🤗 I hope you are well and thriving...
@@summerkwai528 It is amazing the damage narcissists cause. I thought we (xhusband and I) were on the same level, emotionally... which is something I am still working on when I meet new people. I tend to put others on pedestals before they deserve that treatment from me (not that it's EVER healthy to do that). I am learning so much, as well. I went to art school, but haven't "practiced" art regularly in 12 years, other than some water colors and collages. I am glad you are stronger and recovering! I wish you strength and light and good tidings! This journey is no joke!
I always wanted to be known by my spouse on the deepest levels~ he could have cared less. Near the end before I left, I kept thinking, "I feel like a lovely bottle of wine being kept on a shelf collecting dust..." it wasn't until I found my own SELF WORTH that I decided it was time to leave. ❤️
This series on neglectful narcissists has been extremely helpful, I finally feel like the missing pieces are filled in and understand more of why I am the way i am. When i tried to create reciprocity by asking for things (even simple things) I was always met with contempt. Growing up with this is hard. I'm still trying to not personalize it and this video helps tremendously. Thank you Dr Ramani! I look forward to the next videos in the series
I once wrote my NN a letter after yet another discard. I said "I have neglected my family and friends who have given me so much love to pour everything that I had into you and our relationship.... You have reciprocated with crumbs of love. Just enough to keep me around."
@@nanettevaughn5058 I’m in the deep and stunned disbelief of “what have I endured???” And even worse, what have I allowed others (PAID PROFESSIONALS) to talk me into enduring for YEARS?! I’m talking THOUSANDS of dollars in therapy. THOUSANDS. countless hours and study and tears. I am tired of hating. Anyone in my shoes would be just as insane with grief and anger.
These one way relationships are exhausting to maintain. You keep giving until you are empty and it’s still never enough. ‘Don’t personalise’ is great advice. I wish I had known this earlier. Can’t change the past but it will help with my children’s present and future in their relationship with their neglectful father. Thank you, Dr Ramani❤️
True but it’s so hard not to take it personally. It helps to detach vs react, to pull back and distance yourself so that you can observe their behaviour like you’re holding a clipboard taking notes 📝 silently, lol It’s staying calm, cool and collected amongst the storm that takes practise. Not allowing others to emotionally charge or zap ⚡️ you. That’s why NC is recommended it removes the negative charge from your positive battery 😎❤️
Phoenix Rising, agreed. NC is what I’m applying with him now, after understanding narcissism. But my children are not ready to let go of their father. It’s eroding their self esteem because they are constantly made to feel they aren’t good enough. If empowered with the ‘don’t personalise’ tool, I hope it will help them put things in perspective and move on with confidence and not be affected by the invalidation and indifference.
I wish you good luck on helping your children not absorb the “not good enough” stuff from their father. I went through this; my father was the neglectful narcissist. I wish my mother knew this information 60 or 65 years ago; she might not have married him then, or left him when I was a little girl, and I could have received healthier messages. I still struggle with the ‘not good enough” stuff. This is where my relationship with God comes in and has healed a lot of the damage.
You're describing my family of origin! I watched one of Richard Grannon's videos a few years ago on this topic, and unfortunately, this pattern can set you up for being the family "scapegoat", if your life doesn't exactly go the way that the family approves of. If you've been "ignored" because you are "different" and then you experience a crisis in your life, watch out! All of the sudden, you will be noticed by your family! Prepare for them to "swoop in" and interfere in your life, because you are the loser, the "identified patient" that needs their "help". You've been assigned that role and unfortunately, you are cast into that role for life! They caused a great deal of damage when I underwent a personal crisis over 20 years ago, and I had to go "no contact." Around 10 years later, I went partial "no contact", so that my daughter wouldn't feel so isolated. Well, you're "damned if you do and damned if you don't". I was glad that she had some contact, but sure enough, they "swooped in" again (kinda like the mafia), made their "decision" that again, was extremely damaging to all concerned, and now they will never be bothered with me again, since I permanently severed ties with them. If they are sorry now, they will have to deal with that. They should have thought about the repercussions before they did what they did. When my family ignored me decades ago, I really didn't care. I was living my life and they were living theirs. Christmas gatherings were really boring, since no one talked to me, so I left early. The siblings who had children had more in common with each other, and my younger brother just made small talk and escaped into the TV. It felt more like a "cocktail party" than a family gathering.
This is my mother through and through. For years I've tried to get her to notice me, validate me in some way. But she doesn't. She never respects any of my own ideas and often tries to either plant the seeds of failure in my mind or dissuade me from- going to university, travelling, starting my own business, starting a new relationship. She tries to be first in line to congratulate me when I'm successful to appear like she was always supportive of my ventures, but when I fail she has to be first in line to say "I told you so" too.
I find that maybe my ex WAS more neglectful and hit the " lonely & alone" was one of the questions that ponder before I left. I decided that I was lonelier in the marriage than I would be by myself! So again you hit the nail on the head! I always said it was like a business arrangement and not a marriage because I took care of him; put HIM through school, cleaned the house, cooked the meals, did the laundry, etc and he ignored me!!! No interest in me at all!. Invisible to him so I left. Thank you again. I'm learning so much. I still think he was covert too.
Dr., words can’t express the gratitude for what this series on this specific type of narc has done for me. I was in a 6 month relationship w/ a 42 yr old man, never married no kids, w/ a string of broken relationships. (I actually thought what a catch at first) & couldn’t quite understand what was happening with us, he started off strong to loop me in, then I learned he was an EXTREME workaholic while I spent my time doing cartwheels on fire for him to engage or even notice me. I felt selfish wanting his attention because it would take away from his goals. It was always crystal clear that his work came first second & third, & that I was never even considered a priority. Zero intimacy except sex. I had never in my life met someone so frozen or aloof. I’d read hundreds of blogs and articles, and nothing quite fit what I experienced w/ him, until I watched this series. I knew he was a more low key sinister narc, but what type? Now I know. Then I realized, yes, I have seen this type of person before. My mother. You gave me two gifts: you’ve helped me with my ex by giving me the information on this specific type of narc, & I now have the strength to block him forever. I’m now 100% sure he is a narcissist, even has a harem I never knew about. Secondly, I learned that a core wound from my mother, who treated me the exact same way as this man (like I was invisible unless I was “useful,”) is probably what kept me hanging on with hands bleeding to this guy. Thank you. You’ve saved me in a very real way. 💜
Thank you for this series! This is the exact experience I had in the relationship I finally got enough emotional strength to leave after 4 1/2 yrs. I never understood why he didn’t engage in difficult discussions. He would shut down, and I often felt as if I’m lecturing or acting contemptuous when all I wanted was for him to just speak up, share his perspective, and work on solving an issue. I felt so alone and so sad in the one-way relationship, always hoping like you said. Even after leaving the relationship, I still felt anger at how a highly functioning person can be so cold and neglectful to their loved ones. In some ways I feel like I must have been so desperate for his love and attention by doing so many loving acts of kindness, service, gift-giving to show him how valued he is in my life. Yet at the end of the day, I still felt lonely and isolated…like that dying plant. Thank you for helping me realize not to take his behavior personally. His neglect could be emotionally damaging in so many ways.
They are also strangely vigilant and they have no problem to focus But they rely on others to do the work and they are super calm even if they have works They will only engage if they need something. They are using you. You even find yourself to be careful to not talk/text more than them They will be mad of you if you try to make the effort to make the conversation longer. They are amazingly calm as if there's no danger around. They will look at you as if you have done something wrong whenever you ask questions. They are easily annoyed and they have this tendencies to ignore/ deflect questions When they realized that no one wants them anymore meaning they can't use anyone to do the job, they will just quit without further effort
This is interesting. Thank you, Dr Ramani. I've been dating someone who was a covert narcissistic (while arguing, always the victim) and a neglectful one but also ego-syntonic. He was aware he was difficult and I thought that through talks and negotiation he would evolve, kind of a fairytale in which I would be able to help him out and escape from his demons. To be honest, I saw red flags from the beginning. Early disclosure, horrible past and a strong codependency with an ex-gf. But I set some boundaries as soon as we started dating and I thought It would be difficult but would change. He was respectful at the beginning but later he started to neglect my needs and started to be resented about very little stuff. However I listened to my body and despite the trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance I ran away. In short, I realized, all narcissistics follow the same process even "conscious" narcissists. It's very difficult for them to evolve. As I started to engage and ask for more intimacy, he started to pull back and I left him and I started to see more and more narc traits. His ex-gf, I wouldnt say that she's a narc, nor even him despite his behaviour but some of their attitudes and behaviours are a mirrors of what Dr. Ramani states in her series. My ex has an autoinmune disease and in the moments of stress he relies on her instead of me or other couples he has had after me. Yes, he's a little of a womanizer. I think that this girl feeds her ego taking care of him from time to time but without handling his mood and a daily routine with him. I also think, he enjoys her need of rescuing him. She hasnt retreat after we started dating and he hasnt put any kind of limits to her. It's like another gf but her doesnt take any bullshit of him. That's for me. My ex-narc told me while breaking up that he wasnt responsible of my feelings and that I wanted to occupy all roles in his life. I was so distressed after all that gaslightning and dismissiveness that I went back to watch these videos. Enormous thank you for your validation, Dr. It doesnt Matter how you are, your needs must be met in a relationship or else, better to run away.
coming back again, I am realizing I need to love myself, it is them who can't love. I am tired of overeating, dont need to weigh 400 lbs over them. I am just sick and tired of groaning and moaning over something I cannot change. I dont want to be like I can't sleep, I have to drink or take pills to deal, worrying all the time, look like shi#t, gaining or losing weight, for me it is gaining, can't drag myself out of bed, yes sick and tired of this, depressed all the time, think of them every waking moment. Enough is Enough. Dont allow anyone to do this to you. Time to go be with good friends, enjoy my good husband, do what I enjoy and let go of these adult narc kids. Geez, reading about other Moms who are suicidal. No one is worth this. Thank you Dr Ramani for explaining all this. It is time for us to love ourselves and find people capable of loving us! Did I say No one is worth this! Get a grip, enjoy life, get strong!
Finally! These are the answers I was trying to find. Nothing else seemed to fit my ex exactly. I was never quite sure if he was a narcissist or just close. He is manipulative but never really seemed to love bomb me or discard me. He seemed capable of empathy and self reflection on a couple of occasions. There was no reciprocity but there was some mutuality. I was able to determine that he has ADHD, CPTSD, and a dismissive attachment style. I figured out his mother and grandmother probably both have narcissistic patterns of behavior. I was trying to figure out if he was the scapegoat or golden child and I think probably the scapegoat. Whenever I was ready to walk away from the relationship then he became visibly distressed and would try to change my mind. Finally I was done. I know it hurt him. Three months later he was doing a good job of trying to woo me back but it was just kind words and promises of a better future which were the things he did while we were together. And then he asked for money. Learning to say no to someone I was completely enamored with was so hard to do but I am now a stronger and better person of it even though it still hurts me to do so.
Thank you Dr. Ramani, I have watched you over the past few years and have learned so much about myself and relationships. And here it is - this hits the nail on the head. My husband was overall a neglectful narcissist, and a covert narcissist especially with victimhood as the main theme whenever things didn't go his way, and it is such a relief to hear you describe all that I went through. My family and I are healing, and truly you have been such a help in the process.
Oh My Lord help Me I’m falling apart right now!!! 🥺😢😭This was the missing peace of my childhood and my grown life with my Mother and my 29 year Marriage too...I’m so sick of being ignored and never heard or cared about When it comes to them you better be there with bells on caring and loving them They don’t have to return either of those traits back to you Covert/Neglectful..This makes since I was sick and down for 12 years still disabled I was them and still am in charge of everything that matters and has to be done in Life today...They are above cleaning cooking etc. If it’s not what they want to do at the time it needs to be done you will do it!! Because the bills have to be paid they are the most Un-responsible people I have ever met I’m the one in charge of everything yet they want to run the show and do nothing My Spouse will sit outside and talk to a stranger for hours never even tell me where he went He can sit in the house all night and never say anything to me or look up from the phone or TV these things are more important then Me and our Marriage!! This is a hit too the heart bad and good!!! There so happy when they get what they want but never ever want to help you out or give you what you need more or less what you might want...Thank you Jesus and Dr. Romani for this last peace to this puzzle...🙏🏻🥺😞
This is my narcissistic persons baseline. He CYCLES from this to being manipulative, gaslighting and raging. The weirdest show of neglect is the fact that when he comes into a room where I am and talks to me, he doesn’t look at me. He has a piercing stare when he really needs to be grandiose and get a response from me. Or when he needs to make a point about something and it’s so uncomfortable for me. When he is drinking he makes glaring eye contact.
I have said no less than 1,000 times in 32 years, "Please look at me when we're talking". Nope. It's like asking him to recite the Pledge of Allegiance in French.
This is exactly how my dad is as a neglectful narcissist. They intimidate with just a look. It's quite creepy and scary. The intensity of the stares, especially after feeling ignored, dismissed, and invisible, is really jarring. The physical "looks" coupled with the utter lack of acknowledgement that I exist is its own form of manipulation
Hit the nail on the head!!!! My husband of 8 years couldn't tell you anything about me or my childhood or past/current anything. I always felt like I was begging or desperate for him to acknowledge me or the kids. Like you said ONLY when he needed something from me or needed me to do something for him. Luckily for the 3rd and last time...he picked a fight 2 days after Christmas and when I gray rocked the argument, he told me he wanted a divorce and I let him leave and have no energy or want left in me to keep fighting for something that has no significance in his life. It's FINALLY not about HIM anymore!!!!!! Chains have been broken❣❣❣
Now I know for sure, my heart is ripped out again, my life exactly for 30 years ! Thank you, no matter how painful, thank you doctor for sharing this for free. It is as if you have studied my husband for 30 years, I am speechless....
I remember being in bed writhing in pain for days. My mother would peak in, look at me, then walk away without saying a word. She's not that way with my siblings, only me.
Since I started watching your videos in January 2021 which was when I broke up with my narc and when i went no contact, I have learned so very much, which I thank you for, but wow today finding this video hits my heart very hard… 😭😭😭 this is spot on and is 1 million percent of what I have experienced and as enlightening as the info on identifying a neglectful narcissist, your suggestion for the person who has been abused by neglectful narcissist is that true golden nugget I have been looking for… you said to find your own worth and being seen… this certainly has set a new tangible course for my journey as I have been grasping straws and just felt empty. Thank you for your words of hope and direction. 😭💕.
my fraternal twin sister has treated me this way all our lives. it has had an enormous negative impact on my life and my whole family that continues over a lifetime. Now i am 45 and aware of why ive never had the expected closeness i sm able to heal and prepare myself for future abuse. Thankyou x
I lived the loneliness 30 years of my life with my husband after having to deal with the meanest narcissistic mother, but I still have hope that I can be happy now that I’ve left my husband and went no contact with my mother. It isn’t easy I have to start over with no money, car etc. I’m lucky to have good brothers that are willing to help me out. This totally describes my partner I didn’t know neglectful narcissist term exited!!! Thank you Dr. Ramani 🤲🏻💕 for sharing so much wisdom and knowledge 💖
Thank you for these insights regarding Neglectful Narcissism. It's the first time I've heard this term and I've had a lot of trouble reconciling my certainty that my ex-husband is a narcissist because he isn't/wasn't prone to raging. Not at me, not at the children, although he certainly showed great callousness and disregard in a wider setting. He is malicious, he gaslights, trivializes, minimizes, can be heavily grandiose when he perceives himself "winning" and throws massive pity parties when he perceives himself "losing" - it seems to be either one extreme or the other. He's very all or nothing. No middle ground; no shades of gray. We are divorced and that was a complete shit-show that I kinda/sorta won, at least economically and definitely psychologically, but it wasn't easy. He initiated a "maybe we really shouldn't be together" tactic through the vehicle of an email that got me strategizing, a blunder that still astonishes me, and my grown children were very supportive of me leaving the marriage. He was gone during most of the years our kids were growing up and they're knocking on 40 now and do seem to me to be functional, compassionate, caring people. I waited until they were in their twenties to exit and the email was a gift, albeit unintentional, that made it easy. He'd suggested splitting up many times over our 30+ marriage to keep me in line, which worked, until it didn't. It was upsetting/disruptive/difficult for my kids but they were adults, there would be no using them and damaging them as ways to hurt me. That's when the rage came out, the smears, the trying to turn them into flying monkeys. It was unsuccessful, which I know is lucky. I'd like to say that strategizing made it easier, less painful, having some control finally, but it didn't. It was a devastating experience and I wouldn't have got through it without a really good therapist who understood the nature of narcissism and the havoc it creates and the support of my friends and family. Celebrating 10 years without him in June. It's been the best 10 years of my life. You have a real gift for taking some very complicated dynamics and distilling them into useful little nuggets of information. That's a talent. It's a dark and very lonely world when you live with a narcissist and waking up to reality isn't sunshine, roses and butterflies. It's almost as bad as how you feel when you're in denial, endlessly apologizing, never, ever being enough. It's worth waking up because on the other side of the wasteland you wake into, there is a life worth having. I hope that in spending so much time thinking about it you don't get dragged down. It's grim material. I appreciate that you do it, you help us, but I hope when you descend into the ways/hows/why abyss of narcissism you have a good support system and a strong rope. :)
@Janis Lonsdale Leader Just wanted to say that you are a lovely writer. : - ) So glad you were able to get out and that your kids turned out well in spite of him. Good wishes to you!
I always viewed this as crossing an emotional boundary when it happened in a romantic relationship. The contract between us both as partners set up the expectation of emotional availability, but that was the purpose of the lovebombing phase. After we moved in together, he became completely obsessed with work and could not be bothered to interact, and even had silent contempt for me the moment I went to pick up any of my personal creative practices. Of course he denied the wordless judgment and scorn, but anyone who’s experienced the feeling of narcissistic contempt knows it by heart, and can feel when someone is using it on you. It was like he silently controlled the temperature of the room, which sent me into PTSD spirals and made me so anxious I couldn’t function, which gave him supply. It was torture, and it was dedicated. He took a long time setting things up so the conditions were right for him to be able to do things like this to me long-term.
@Millie Woo YES to this: "It was like he silently controlled the temperature of the room.." So well put! And also the nonverbal contempt they think they can sneak out of responsibility for. No. I see your games! I hope you are FREE and feeling better now. Wishing you well!
My narc was neglectful but he gave just enough breadcrumbs to keep me satisfied. That statement alone showed there was a serious problem. He was always in his own world but partly that was because he was talking to other women. I just left him alone and entertained myself with my friends and other things that occupied my time. Deep down inside, I was starving for attention and validation. I would walk around naked and still no response. That was a blow to my ego. He's out of my life now but I'm still in the process of learning to love myself and to believe I was enough!
![[DRAGON BALL LEGENDS REVEALS ＆ STUFF] LEGENDS FESTIVAL 2024 Special Edition Part 1](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/mV5bGIswTtQ/mqdefault.jpg)
“People choose the devil they know over the angel they haven’t met “ hit me hard
Me too!
So true!!!
Lol been there...🥴
Yes, very raw.
We gravitate to the familiar,
The conditioned “ normal “ versus what’s healthy and beneficial for us.
The uncomfortable
comfort zone
Waiting for a bus that is
never coming
It’s an unfulfilling reality
You will never be seen
Never be acknowledged
Never feel loved in return
Never be respected
Never be heard
Never be appreciated
Never feel included
Never feel wanted
Never feel cherished
Never feel adored
Never feel good enough
Never feel supported
Never feel worthy
They will never change
Radical acceptance, that is my mantra
😔😥
I heard a quote by Robin Williams once. He said, "The only thing worse than feeling alone is being WITH someone who makes you feel alone." Amen!
Sandy G that quote always comes to mind when I realize I am pretty damn good company all by my self. Be your own fun factory!
Not true for all...some are NEVER consistent and do some of these things somet of the ime to get something or just to play with you like a cat batting a mouse around. Its more fun torturing them before you kI think saying NEVER and always when defining these creatures is why so many people are confused.
I'm reading through each and every comment, honoring every person here who was neglected by a narcissist. We begin to see and listen to ourselves and each other and this is the beginning of our freedom. Thank you all for sharing.
🌸
I agree, the comments are just as important as the actual informative video.....
I was driven to the depths of despair by a covert narcissist and his mother.for years .with neglect and indifference , it was a slow process and I didn’t know that they both were emotionally and psychologically abuse-ing me and getting off on it.....The sicker I got, the happier they were.....I was unrecognisable .... and could hardly even speak......And not one of them asked if I was ok , not even once.....People that hardly knew me were asking if I was ok ....... I didn’t realise that I was being punished for being a good wife and mother ..... Thank-you Dr RAMANI 🙏you are spot on with everything you teach....
🙏🏽💗
Completely agree.... We can hear each other like ey never did 😊
I think the most damaging part is to see them be the complete opposite with others. They way they were with you in " the beginning"
Yep but remember...it won't last long
I'm a good person but am trying to get out of feeling so bad by my narc knowing I was neglected so he could be off trashing me to whomever & convincing them I was everything I wasn't & convincing me I was nothing good. I kept telling him to stop putting his problems on me! Kept telling me to shut up til he'd beat me to try shutting me up! To him I had nothing worth listening to but in actuality he was & still is jealous that I'm smarter than him!
This is 100% my ex. I spent so much energy trying to please him. He was like a cup with a hole in the bottom. You pour and pour and it made no difference.
YESSSS,
They are never satisfied no matter what you do
Like a relationship in quicksand.
My mother. She would never admit it tho. Whenever I confront her, she turns it around so that it was somehow my fault. I wish I had had this info years ago.
My ex was like this too. I always felt like a jester capering about trying to please the king. In the end it was always off with her head, meaning he went back to ignoring me.
Yes! But then my ex told me When he discarded me I made him miserable... everything he loved about me was also what he hated about me. He only liked going out and doing fun things if it was with his friends not just me and him.... he couldn’t even hold conversations with me where he wasn’t talking about his work really... it was a lot of sitting in silence. I was vulnerable from the get go with him shared everything about myself about me and he hardly shared anything about himself.... and when I did something he didn’t like he would be critical of me...
Having them do this to you and no one else is one of the most hurtful aspects of this.
Exactly
Exactly
Dad tortured Mom, most females, he groomed me to abuse me, and blamed me for allegedly causing him to abuse me; he's the jerk!
The neglect is such a stark contrast to the lovebombing that happens in the beginning.
Omgoodness, yes
From literally one extreme to the other
Yup yup yup
And the bits of breadcrumbs along the way that reminded me of that lovebombing… but just kept me trauma bonded. 😔
After 13 yrs of marriage, I FINALLY stopped caring. It's like a switch just flipped. Now, I happily pursue whatever makes me happy and am barely acknowledging HIS existance instead of the other way around. He hates it. I still dont care. It's not about tit for tat. I truly dont care what he does anymore and am solely focused on my own happiness. It is SO liberating. Why did it take so long for me to get here?
That's what i started to do it feels fantastic a brand new me.
I know for years but can't leave every time i told him to leave he would make a drama or prey on the children i have 3 boy's and a daughter together
It's took the death of my 2nd Son just a month ago he has been so cold i couldn't take it i expose his behaviour ppl are finally seeing it I've be with him for 11 years
My family is not supposed at all and he likes that, i look up narcissist before but it don't match but neglectful narcissist
Is him for top to bottom. Now i can explain to myself and close family what I've been going through
Nothing before time
This has been so validating. I knew I was dealing with narcissistic behavior but the typical descriptions never felt quite right - even the covert description (which until these videos felt the closest). But this is spot on. I felt like a ghost in my own house. I felt like furniture - unless he needed something then I was his best friend. He gave away all the energy that should have been for his family to other families or some obsessive hobby or a new sexual partner.
Because it’s an abuse that is hard to pin down it’s hard to know you’re in an abusive relationship. He never yelled at me, called me names, or laid a hand on me - I just didn’t matter. So until about a year ago I wouldn’t have called it abuse.
So yes, these videos are incredibly validating.
Thank you!!!!
Exactly…. Me too
It really helps to hear I’m not crazy and evidently not alone, so many others do understand and are also going through this.
Same here. I’m very familiar with garden variety covert narcissism, but have never come across neglectful narcissists before. I thought first that he was a dismissive avoidant, but started noticing that he was devoid of empathy and had zero compassion for anyone. Then he started doing emotional abuse and the usual narc things (gaslighting, projecting, blame shifting, not taking responsibility for anything, intermittent reinforcement, bread crumbing, never apologising, etc.) Luckily, I’m well educated on that due to last narcissistic abuse. This video was an eye opener. I’m done. Have never felt so invisible and unwanted in my life ever before.
Yes other types didn't quite fit for my 2 sisters either, but now this describes them to a T.
My narc was so neglectful that he didn't even understand I was neglecting him back. They neglect even our counter reaction to such an extent that they turn out to be a fool.
so true Shilpa we actually change who we are to protect ourselves.
YUP.
They probably enjoy being neglected. It’s freedom to them. They can focus to be self-absorbed all they want
I'm thinking my girlfriend is a neglectful narcissists, so I'm about to see how she reacts to me neglecting her for a week or two... See if she even notices...
Yes! Before I broke up with my ex I stopped giving him ‘Welcome Home’ kisses and he never noticed. Unfortunately we’re still under the same roof, but at least I get to heal now and not feel like I’m going crazy!
I used to say to mine, "I'm invisible to you aren't I? I could be dying on the side of the road and you'd drive straight past." But he could give me attention when he needed something from me.
I felt same way.and when mention it to hubby no response he just on his device.
Mine wouldn’t pee on me if I was on fire! He probably wouldn’t notice or he’d say “what do you want me to do?”
Say "No" to these people when they approach you to "serve" them in some way. Watch their stunned reaction, when you exercise self-respect and self-care. When they complain or try to guilt trip you, tell them you are not feeling guilty for taking care of yourself and that you are just following their lead, those are the consequences for invalidating your personhood. I am for team healthy! Spray RAID on these narc roaches.
@Sunflower Seeds Yup they can't change, but we can change and show ourselves self-love and walk on to happier life without them!
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Plus all that time you spent making sure the relationship, home, garden was well tended is now available for YOU. Have a great and happy day; nothing pisses them off more 😂
Having a child with one of these types makes saying no a chess move. I know anytime I say no or I can't do it right when they like, a tantrum and some "pay back" will come in the form of neglect with this type. If I say no I can't pick up the kids last minute right now for you. You can bet they will be late or unable to transport the kids to the next thing or even not attend or transport them for the next several months. Not caring if it hurts their child at all. It's very frustrating. I have come to obviously just not count on them for anything and deal with the fake concern about them missing out whenever they need to look like a loving parent for others.
Sammey 04 they will reap what they sow, because the kids will figure out what terrible parents and people, because childhood is short. When the adult children stop adoring them for being jerks.
All makes sense now! Got me to do crazy things just to get his attention. I was the one who was doing all the raging, crying and begging to be noticed. I start feeling like a narcissist. A whole bunch of emotions and confusion that created a depression. When Dr.Ramani said you are there to serve their purpose,you are their assistant, they are nicely and behave normal only when they need something was spot on. I constantly felt like a slave and of course that was never good enough for him. It is all clear now. I can't thank you enough for all this clarity you give us Dr.Ramani
Thank God for saving me ❤! It happened earlier this year x.
Exactly, he was just mute constantly. I was losing my mind.
Sounds 💯 like my life and thoughts.
This video made me weep. I finally left and am trying to do the work but I really miss what is familiar. It’s a grieving process when you realize that the person you loved never even saw you.
You’re definitely not alone 💗🙏🏽
yes you love them , but you are just an object to them
I'm 68-years-old now. My parents were raised in the time of 'Children are to be seen, and not heard'. And this was the way my parents raised us four kids. I was the one most deeply impacted by this... we were 'trophies' to them, not actual 'people'. This drove me into partying... drinking, smoking pot, etc. (not hard drugs). Still, I was so empty inside that I tried two suicide attempts, (with Reds... Seconal). My parents didn't notice at all when I came home all f'd-up. At last, I felt myself so 'disappeared', so like a 'ghost', that I whispered to my mother one day that I was 'crazy'. I was 16-years-old.
I guess she finally noticed the vacant look in my eyes and called a friend of hers to get the name of a psychologist. They took me over to this woman, (who was of their age), and we began. She told me she would not treat me unless I stopped all the drugs/drinking. I agreed and did so. After three sessions, she called my parents to have them come in for 'family counseling'. They cancelled 3 times.
I was in her office when it was the the 3rd time. She said to me, if they call and cancel this time, I won't reschedule them again. And sure enough, she no sooner got the words out of her mouth than the phone rang. It was my mother cancelling the appointment. She hung-up the phone and I burst into tears.
She did something I know counselors don't normally do. She came over, sat on the sofa very close to me, and held me in her arms while I sobbed uncontrollably. She kept stroking my hair and saying, 'I'm so sorry, so very sorry. You are too young to be abandoned like this.' I realized then that, 'Wow, it's really NOT me, it's them. I'm not crazy after all.' And then the deep, utter sadness of realizing that my parents would rather see me dead, (and garner all the sympathy they could from a suicidal burial), than come in and save not only their daughter, but themselves and their marriage as well'. That was 52-years ago.
When my son was 8, I gave him a fun-filled birthday party, a pool party, at my home as he was born in July. It was a fantastic day. I invited my mom to come over and join the festivities, (my father had passed-away some 6-years earlier). I was tending the bar-b-que when, all of a sudden, my son ran up to me. As I bent down, he threw his arms around my neck and fairly shouted, 'This is the best birthday ever, mom!', kissed me on the cheek, then ran off and jumped in the pool again.
My mother, who was sitting at the picnic table behind me, witnessed all this. She came over to me, put her hand on my back, and said, with tears in her eyes, 'You are a better mother than I ever was,' and walked away into the house.
I should have rejoiced at this... her 'comeuppance' at last! But I didn't. It made me sad to realize that she never had that kind of spontaneous, joyful exchange from any of her kids. I thought, maybe if she had been raised differently, she too could have experienced such.
The daughter teaching the mother how to be a mother? Aye. I reached out to her in my thoughts and said, 'This is how it's done, mom. Watch, listen, learn... for next time 'round.'
Back then, (1968), we didn't have words like 'Narcissism', nor all the different kinds of Narcissism that Dr. Ramani is pointing out to us in this series; at least, not to my knowledge. But, I got thru it without all those words, and now, with all this knowledge Dr. Ramani is bringing to us, YOU WILL TOO! YOU'RE NOT CRAZY. For, to be raised by emotionally vacant people, is a fate worse than death. It is a slow, painful, withering away of body and soul. A tragic feeling of not being wanted here, welcomed here.
So, GET UP! Help yourself, heal yourself, live the life you have dreamed of... not materially, (altho that is quite nice, LOL), live a life RICH in meaning. A life that can only be granted to those that CAN and DO emotionally connect with another human being.
A book by Sandra Ingerman called, 'Soul Retrieval', and a music CD by Shaina Noll, 'Songs for the Inner Child' will be very userul in your healing process... both very tender and touching.
A little taste, 'It's A Joy To Get To Know You'... ruclips.net/video/CYJG5NEWfrM/видео.html
Wow. I'm literally in tears right now. Thanks for sharing. I can relate because I have a neglectful covert narcissist husband. It's kind of relief to see people from the other part of the world and from a different generation having similar experience. By th way I'm 32 and I'm from Tunisia (a small country in North Africa).
@@sihemlazaar6450 You're welcome. {{{hugs hugs hugs}}} Narcissim knows no bounds... it thrives beyond nationality, culture, race, religion, gender, age. Now that you've identified your husband as a narcissist, I hope you are 1. letting go of the dream you once had for your marriage; and 2. are making concrete plans to leave. I pray, for your sake, that both are true.
@@fairemaiden thanks a lot dear. Actually I did let go of my fairy tale -like dream of mariage. However, concerning leaving, I don't think I'm able to leave with 3 children. It's too expensive and exhausting or maybe I'm just too coward to leave. God bless you 😙
@Esther Sparrow I'm so glad you do, Esther. {{{hugs hugs hugs}}}
Thank u for writing this.. I'm a decade younger but I can so relate...🙋
His entire family was like this ... I couldn't take it I called off our engagement and went home.
I have married into an family with various narcissists my mother In law and 2 sister in laws r the worst
Good for you 👍🏼… I wish I had
Yeah, my husband father is a neglectful narcissist. I know this is something that was learned.
I always felt like Cinderella. The evil narc stepmother andstepsister! stepsisters!
My dad asked me if I was lonely in the night times now after leaving my narcissistic husband of 13 years. I responded that I was always lonely before. He always had an excuse not to spend time with me or talk to me. He had a habit of walking away, even in the middle of a "conversation" and not saying where he was going or when he'd be back. If I had people over they'd always ask where he was and it was always the same response, I have no idea. The difference now is that now I don't care where he is.
My "dad" did the same to me.
They teach you how to be without them
Excellent!
Counted over 30 days not a word as a teenager...father watched news for 6 hours a night.
Sometimes "Ah! moments" are hiding in the simplest of things. I was strolling along a boulevard with my neglectful narcissist wife of seventeen years when I noticed that she was walking on my half of the sidewalk and forcing me off onto the grass. She was walking alone.
Man, I thought this about my bf a million times. If I'd stop, he'd just continue on, sometimes for blocks before he realized.
While married to a neglectful narcissist I was in a car accident with a school bus full of children. When I called my husband he was only about a mile or so away but buying himself lunch. He told me what I should do with the insurance and police and then hung up the phone. I thought about this for a few minutes. I was so confused. I couldn’t believe that he was not going to come to give me support. I called him back and insisted that he come. And just like a good little neglectful narcissist that he is, he huffed and puffed- acted irritated and made his way to the accident scene. It took a very long time to get things squared away. He couldn’t stay. he had such an important job running charter schools in Albany New York that he had to leave. Another mother gave me a ride home. So nice to know that your husband’s going to be there to have your back when you need him.This was a real turning point for me.
Major red flag. And I’m happy to report that I have been away from that darkness for over seven years. Yippee to me‼️ I am a “ contempted gaslighter ” survivor.🤣
Another tactic of a neglectful narcissist is they say they are withdrawn because they are depressed or overwhelmed with life. So then you try to cheer them up, or do extra to lighten their load but it's never enough and they just act all sulky and complain you didn't do anything when they do speak to you which are rare occasions.
Talk about being invisible.. my spouse and I were having an anniversary dinner in a restaurant one evening. He kept answering his phone and making new calls. I took my phone, dialed his number and when he answered I said-can you please put your phone away and talk to me. Holding his phone to his ear he swung around, looked around the restaurant and said "where are you" I was sitting directly across from him at the table and had been there for the past 20 minutes. It was a turning point for me because I realized how hopeless the relationship really was.
Yikes! This is next-level! Good for you for calling him though! I try to think of these things as Gifts of clarity now. So much of their bad behavior is sneaky, ambiguous, or invisible. Stories like this make the situation clear. Wishing you well!
And when you go out with them for an event, they immediately walk off and talk to everyone else but you. Infact you could leave the party and they won't even notice you have left until it is time to go home. Thank-you for giving this a name and telling us we have not gone mad and that it is not in our imagination!
I lived with a person like this for 20 + years , actually will make you sick to your stomach , they do suck the life out of you , and when they succeed , they come back for more narc supply , you have to go grayrock for your own sanity
This was spot on Dr. Ramani. It’s so true, that the neglect becomes the hook and you keep trying to dig further and further to find the gold at the bottom of the pit, till you realize that you have just dug yourself in a hole!
God bless you for all the good work that you do, in explaining the daily mechanics of these relationships.
This is my situation. Yet I watch him be the opposite with his female work partners. It's very hurtful. It brings about pain, jealousy, and rage. None of which I handle very well. It took a long time for me to figure this all out. I very much appreciate your videos on this topic.
It takes a long time because our minds can’t ‘go there’. I always knew he was hard to get along with, an obstructionist, a victim of unfair treatment in this world, like needing an award for going to work and having it harder than anyone else!, but Never could I have imagined being with someone for decades and them setting up of all these things, which also happened in my life, was plotting, planning and intentional!!!! Covert Internal psychological warfare! Also abandonment in the name of work out of town, disappearing when home, covertly demeaning their mother, leaving a path of destruction in his 2 adult girls that I will never understand! someone choosing to run from life and us. I will not live there (in the past) but I don’t know if it can ever quit blowing my mind how people’s mind’s become this way!! They are the utmost in sadistic and cruel!!
Laura Seiter I keep watching this kind of video over and over, to help myself pay attention and accept reality - and realise there are a LOT of unpleasant people and even willfully nasty attacking people out there - to stop myself being naive and wasting my time in hurtful, draining situations. We have to be watchful and mindful.
@@Bailey5940 wow! Yes all aspects are terrible, but then to learn it's intentional! I have come to realize this too and it's one of the harder aspects. Sorry for all you have gone through!
I am struggling in this arena also and learning that I am worthy, I am loveable, I am valuable and I am enough.
It’s excruciating to see how other women are valued and appreciated while we are devalued and minimized.
Know that those women will eventually be devalued too it’s just a matter of time. The trauma bond is very powerful and detaching from an unhealthy union is not easy despite what others may think.
In fact, it’s even harder and that alone makes us feel harshly judged, ridiculed or scoffed at. People just don’t get how agonizingly difficult a toxic dysfunctional relationship is to sever yourself from. I never thot I would be one of “those “ women but I realize it can happen to anyone. No one☝️is truly exempt unless educated, has a strong sense of self and high self respect ✊ with healthy beliefs. Stay true to you first and foremost ❤️
Sisters need sisters ❤️
I remembered 2 patterns while listening to this. The first was that I used to sit on the couch with my (now ex) husband for hours without him saying one word to me. But, as soon as I picked up a book, or got up to do anything, suddenly he needed my undivided attention! This used to aggravate me to no end, but once I recognized the pattern, I stopped expecting anything else.
The second pattern was that after long periods of neglect, I started neglecting myself. I remember asking myself, out loud, "If nobody else cares then why should I?"
During this forced isolation, I haven't consciously asked the question, but I am repeating the neglectful behavior.
Thanks for the insight and reminder to take care of myself.
"The first was that I used to sit on the couch with my (now ex) husband for hours without him saying one word to me. But, as soon as I picked up a book, or got up to do anything, suddenly he needed my undivided attention!" OMG YES. This. So much. I don't want you, but you can't do anything else. I won't help you, but don't you dare get someone else to help you. Etc. It's a trap, where there is no right answer. I'm so glad you are able to leave yours. Thank you for sharing.
@@jedivet I totally forgot about the "I won't help you, but don't you dare get someone else to help!" Seriously, I can't even fathom having that attitude towards anyone, yet I put up with it for years. He also didn't like me helping him -- he wanted for me to have already done whatever it was he couldn't do.
Are you able to escape?
OMG, the same thing happens to me! In a car together I was always the one doing the talking and finally realized that he won't give me what I need, actual conversation. I noticed it I am on my phone or reading a book that is the only time he tries to get my attention!!!!!! So now I just ignore him right back. I am done trying to get his attention or have any meaningful convo.
Funny thing-Back when we lived in different states, he wooed me on the phone, talked for hours, and I thought I had a man who was a communicator, only to find out later it was his way of love bombing me bc when I left my job, my state, my family for him, he began neglecting me and it has only gotten worse over the 30 yrs. we've been married. Now that I have started to disengage? (bc he's an alcoholic) he is love bombing me by pretending interest, calling me several times a day, which is now just an annoyance bc if anything I want him to leave me alone now. He just wants me bc then he will have his housekeeper & cook bc that is the only thing he cares about imo.
Why is it still so hard to leave the marriage?
Thanks for explaining this, I'm an avoidant attachment style and some people are really hard to pay attention to because they trigger me and I dissociate, but I'm relieved when people find other people or other things to do. I tell them I'm happy for them. So, thanks for helping me understand the difference.
The best video I have ever seen on narcissism that *perfectly* describes my marriage and soon to be ex husband. I can’t even tell you how thankful I am to you for making this video. It’s finally put all the pieces together for me so I can move forward with healing!
I feel the same way. Thank you.
Hugs
same for me!
I can relate!
I went from having a neglectful mom to a neglectful spouse. I thought when I met him I had finally found someone who really saw and understood me. He love bombed me, paid me all kinds of attention. I was very young and naive,so I bought his act. After we were married I noticed that suddenly he didn't pay me the same attention he did before we were married. I lost forty years of my life trying to please him and being a "Good enough" wife, but he left me in the end. I lost my identity and at 61 I'm trying to find out who I am on my own. Very daunting process. Interestingly he told me after we separated that he "Never wanted anything so much as when he couldn't have it." I wish I had seen this in him before I wasted my life on a no win situation.
I so feel your pain. 30 yrs of marriage now but still together. Im also in my 60s .I am a shell now but I am his carer so feel I can't leave him now. All of the marriage I have been devastated by how he could have so much time for work and hobby but no time for me. He would tell me "well I'm here with you watching TV so we're spending time together" even though he's doing 10 different things at the same time but not engaging in the show or me so then I can't even enjoy the show. He has given money to people without telling me and can't understand why I'm upset as if it's only his money to use. Neglects birthday, anniversaries, Xmas even going on holidays. On it goes all those things that cut to the bone. But hey he tells everyone how much he loves me so they think I am so lucky to have him. And then I think we'll he must love me then ( and yet I feel anything but loved) But as soon as a work event comes along where he is the presenter he can fly off for days. When I talk to him he just says " no". I'm looking at him like how can you say no? Are you saying I don't feel that? In the beginning you do all the " let's sit down and talk about things in a mature way" but after years of him stonewalling I understand your rage and yelling because the hurt, confusion and frustration is just so overwhelming. I find myself screaming Why won't you listen to me/ why dont you get this?? Instead he rolls his eyes, shakes his head, turns on the TV, walks out of the room or literally puts his hand up in front of me to cut me off. It's so dehumanising. I'm glad you're out of it even though it is hard you will heal. I just cant deal with the guilt of leaving a disabled person who has no one else to take on the responsibility . Good luck and I truly hope you find peace and happiness.💌
@@maryl8753 Keeping you in my prayers. I know how hard it is. Take care of yourself. Give yourself the love you needed from him. Best wishes.
I watched this one with tears. Thank you. My relationship with Christ has made it possible to power through the neglectful relationship with my wife. As you said doctor, most literature and resources haven't _quite_ identified with my situation, but this one hits the nail on the head. Again, thank you.
Paul same here.this hit home hard.my relationship with Jesus has made me go through the storms and this neglect which is like a thorn on your behind..I keep myself busy
Same me, i got close to Jesus he is my friend and my guide . My ex was always on the phone when I did all. Bible filled my day. I'm still hurting because he just like that decided we no longer on the same page and left us . I know God stepped in and this had to happen. 🙏
They specialize in the carrot and the stick. You hope and follow the carrot, thinking they share the goals you mutually agreed on. It pains me that people like this exist and you do feel very stupid and naive. No one wants to believe they could be duped like this. I wish I could stop them from hurting other people. You’re work, Dr. Ramani, offers much needed validation! Thank you!
Yes! "You hope and follow the carrot, thinking they share the goals you mutually agreed on." This is exactly what they do!!! Spot on.
Dr Ramani thank you for these videos. I spent 20 yrs of my life thinking I was invisible unless they needed something, then I was only seen until their need was met and then I became invisible again. People who have not experienced this have no idea how soul crushing it is. I am still surprised that people can actually see me and there is always that thought in the back of my mind if they do see me they don't care about me they just want something. It puts you on guard, fosters suspicion and makes for a very lonely existence. I'm trying to come back from that and make a new life.
Thank you for posting this, I have had this same feeling my whole life and this part really hit home for me "I am still surprised that people can actually see me and there is always that thought in the back of my mind if they do see me they don't care about me they just want something."
We all deserve to be seen, but it's so hard to switch to that belief just overnight. Still working on this too.
I wish you all the best on your healing journey 🙏
Ignore this fool
@Steve Miller LOL, I am ao happy to see an IQ Bomb in the sea of stupidity.
I'm out of it and very happy, so now I can laugh 😊 But, I waited 12 years for that bus! 🤣 when you said that!
I eventually ended up keeping my "self" hidden and safe, inside " the robot", out of contempt (since he would not see me, I would not LET him see me) while I worked on my separate future. After he left (My son and i came first, so I held my ground on the rented townhouse), it's as if light and space expanded and I appeared, like in the transporter in Star Trek lol....I emerged as a separate person....RELIEF!
"This thing you were enduring, was real" really spoke to me. And "A garden that is never watered." Thank you Dr. Ramani for putting your time and knowledge into this series. It is exactly what I needed, some understanding into my last 18 years. Though I still hurt, from having to say "he will never see you" over and over to myself so I can stop 'hoping,' I at least can keep telling myself that it is not because of my worth, but because of his personality
Husband showed no affection unless it was lustful attention due to him wanting it. He hates to converse unless it’s about him and his dreams and interests. He wouldn’t talk at all, and I remember I’d try to bring up things he likes to talk about just to have some interaction with him. Everytime I’d talk about stuff about me, about my family or friends, he would stare blankly say at the tv, the road, or the wall or his phone without a response. I used to think he was just socially awkward. I’m glad I found this video.
This series is amazing. Thank you Dr.
@Steve Miller Nice trolling there. Thing is I've been through a relationship with a female Narcissist so it'll take more than a blanket statement on RUclips to invalidate my experiences.
Not amazing
“They do not need to notice anyone if they feel they can’t be bothered.” If we met friends in the street, he would literally just leave me alone and walk away. I remember trying to introduce him to a friend one time, he smiled and just walked away. I would try to have a discussion with him and only get a blank stare. His eyes were empty, it was scary. Four months free!
Same, walk away when I stopped to talk to people I knew in the village and would always pass the time with when walking dog on my own. If was so rude. So many people said to me when separated, what were you doing with him,? Your so friendly but he was a bit strange. In work he was successful and sent all his energy on work relationships because that suited his addenda! So glad he’s out of my life now for good!
I'm still stuck in mine...he never hit me, never calls me names never gives any signs of abuse.
So I've stayed for almost 3 years. But he's supporting me since I'm still looking for a job...
Honestly that blank stare makes me feel so sick to my stomache now.
My brother even tells me what's wrong with him he doesn't even have a soul. He jokes.
And I'm like idk...but then I feel like if I leave him I'm leaving a guy with issues that just needs help. I'm scared thinking what if he's just depressed and if I leave will he get more depressed and somthing happen to him?
I'm literally tearing my mental health apart staying with him. But now I'm at the point where I can't even leave cause I'll be homeless if I just leave.
My mom would tell me if it feels crazy. It's probably because it is crazy.
It does feel crazy. It feels mental. I'd rather be single then feel so damn alone with him.
The times that he is there, he tells me stories about work and I get so sick on the fact that he has full conversations with these people at work and he seems to have the time of his life. While he neglects me and can't even have a full conversation like that with me.
Sees me hardly once a week and tells me about how happy he is at work.
Somtime I drift off cause my brain feels fried from all the effort I keep putting into this. Always trying to keep the relationship up.
I keep thinking maybe I'm just going mental from an underlying problem.
But no....5 motnhs after meeting him I noticed my health start to deplete. I just can't believe I've kept this going for so long for myself I should've left when I had the chance.
But now I gotta dig my way out..m
@@wewillstandwithchrist9669
Run, run, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction! He will never give you passion, love, nor affection & attention... It only gets worse and resort to silly games to try and win his affection...
I totally relate to the empty eyes... his whole family has those eyes, they are all pleasure seekers... They life and slander if you don't do what they want... He is a quiet neglectful narcissist, they are loud and bombarding...
10 years together 8 years married & living together, 5 years without rings 💍, two years of separate rooms (also because of snoring & his alarm ⏰️ @2am that he doesn't always get up for). I have 5 kids and he taught them all to destroy & disrespect everything I established... I have imploded & crumbled into a pile of nothing now... I have almost no energy to even get out of bed & I FeeL all my hardwork is worthless... I am ready for divorce & wish I had done it sooner... or validated myself and moved on...
It gets clearer with every of your videos I am watching. Cartwheels in the living room: Poetry, songs, drawing, crafting, performing, always performing. Still today: If I can make someone laugh, I feel this big relief - "I've made it through". At best he never cared. At worst he punished me arbitrarily for whatever kids do. Mostly invalidation and silent treatment. But me getting anything right to win him over - no, that was never an option in the game. Radical acceptance helped here. Now that I am finally calling him out on his behavior, he calls me arrogant and narcissistic, lazy and prone to addiction (btw: I'm currently doing my master's degree in clinical psychology while working part-time. No time or money for addictions XD). And though I've been on my healing journey for 16 years now, sometimes anger and sadness take over - and I finally allow myself to feel them. The hole will never fully disappear, but it gets smaller and bearable. Honors to my chosen family. Peace to everyone.
Two neglectful narcissist parents, only recently realised, and then you begin to see the behaviour and its impact- like they have never asked a question about me or my life. I think ever. They'd ask 'when are you taking the kids?', 'have they been fed?', 'when are you visiting?', but I don't think even a 'how are you/how was your day?'.
Could never understand why I had so little self worth when objectively I'm 'successful' and 'loved' and 'normal' people are always very complementary about loads of aspects of me. Why I seemed to end up in other neglectful/abusive situations (not intimate partners, haven't valued myself enough yet to manage that) but work, friendships, wider family where I'm used and burnt out and don't get the most basic of respect from certain people (it is almost like they can sniff me out).
It is all starting to make sense but so many years of patterns to unpick, and new healthy behaviours to practice. When its parents you can't cut out or detach emotionally in the same way and with each realisation there a little grieving for what you never had and never will have.
I know I should be parenting my inner child, but I already pseudo-parented my parents, siblings and niblings, probably won't have a family of my own, and I just want someone to care for me for once.
My situation is similar; I really feel for you.
“It is a slow and invalidating process.” The slow increase of my invisibility, made me feel helpless. I’d try and try to get some attention but there was never time for me, or he didn’t have anything to talk about. Once he finally discarded me, it took a few months but I started to get me back. I did the acceptance, all the things I wanted to say and for him to understand wouldn’t be worth the breath to express to him. Accept it will always be that he doesn’t care, so don’t waste my time and energy. I have moved forward and am enjoying me and the new relationships I am developing, that are healthy.
I’m so proud of you. You made it.
I’m still on gaslighting, trying to get out.
Nancy Quinones thank you, it’s a work in progress. Now, that you know what you’re dealing with you’ll better calculate what you need to do. You will be free again, you will be happy again. I am here rooting for you!
Yes. I completely understand. Me too. Big hug.
Robyn Adams thanks, yes but is like Dr. Ramani said. It’s exhausting
Same🙌
At minute mark 8:40 “ It is essential that you don’t personalize it. This is them. This is what they do. They neglect. And when you see it against the larger narcissistic framework of their lack of empathy and entitlement, they really do believe that they don’t need to notice anyone if they feel they can’t be bothered. Don’t personalize it and cultivate other spaces in your life where you are seen.” Brilliantly said Dr Ramani. Thank you. A 20 year marriage and I always said I felt like a place holder or a house cat that was convenient to have around when he felt like giving it a pat.
I dated this for more than two years. Two years of feeling neglected, invisible and craving affection. It’s a terrible situation that’s paradoxically very difficult to leave but we all deserve to be loved. Thank you Dr. Ramani, 💗 your videos really do make a difference
This describes my marriage of 40 years. Am no longer invisible. Thank you!
My dad and two ex boyfriends are this type exactly. In my experience they absolutely will rage when pressured or questioned (when they sustain a "narcissistic injury"), to the point of physical abuse. These outbursts would be the precursor to even longer stretches of complete neglect and abandonment, despite them triggering the conflict. The yelling and rage would seem like a means of evasion for direct questions. Gaslighting is a favorite for this type because it puts so much distance between them and the responsibility for anyone else's feelings. When I was little my dad would put me in time outs for hours at a time to avoid confronting "issues" I presented, such as emotional distress. And when he was working at home it was known that going into the room, even when timidly asking if he was hungry, would result in scathing contempt. The ability for the neglectful narcissist to give a death glare before storming out is unprecedented.
A request may be granted in the moment, and then be forgotten if it's anything but completely appealing to them. Once an ex accidentally served me gluten (I have Celiac) and when I proceeded to throw up, he complained about going to the store to get enzymes and medications. After he returned he had gotten the wrong thing and forgotten another. When I pointed this out, very sick, he berated me for the inconvenience to him. He showed his contempt actively for days after. This is one of countless instances of abuse, and isn't the worst by far. His go-to excuse was work, though his chosen "friends" (all male colleagues who he admired) were in close second.
The neglectful narcissist is the worst fair weather friend, because even when they're pretending to be good to you, behind it is a nothing but a lie.
This is my husbqnd wow
This rings so true. I am now 1 year out of a 23 year relationship and SO often recall when I would tell a story about my day and he would have this blank expression. And then just start talking about his day or his work or something about how HE related to someone...and I would stand there and go...did you not even hear what I just said.... Then other times in the middle of a story he would just start talking about his day and I would just give up, and give over and listen and it your existence disappears in a cloud of white noise. Every time I would address this in out arguments, he used to tell me that everything I say is white noise so he has does not have the capacity to hear it. I would inform him of things several times and then when the day comes he would crap on me for not telling him and though I would say, I told you several times, her would reply: well you talk so much noise, I don't know when to listen and when not. Eventually I just stopped talking and then he would tell me that I don't talk to him and that is why everything goes wrong. I this is hard, but so true....
@Jacques Du Rand The AUDACITY of your ex actually saying out loud to another human being that what you said was "white noise!" Despicable! - On one of the countless times I tried to address my longtime "friend's" terrible, non-reciprocal listening, she actually tried to manipulate me that I should UNDERSTAND how she couldn't help it because the things I said were just so boring. Wow. And yet I stayed several more YEARS after that! - When I finally decided NO MORE and told her so, it was like a cloud lifted that I hadn't even noticed was blocking the sun. I hope you have had a similar experience. Congratulations on THREE YEARS of freedom! Wishing you well!
Do not let narcs gaslight you into thinking you that how little they value you = what is your true worth.
No one defines your worth but you.
Thank you Dr Ramani for all your many videos studying this. It's helped me to have a better grasp on what I've been up against since the moment of my conception, even through today, and still daily.
I have gone on a campaign of removing all in my life those who use lies as tools, and I'm nearly done frying my biggest fish, so to speak.
Education like this can empower us to take control of lives we've let others run for so long.
I feel so validated right now. I tried so hard to just be noticed by her. But she said that by “chasing” her I was just pushing her further away. In other words, it was my fault.
Thank you for your validation. I have been in a 15 year relationship with my husband that is a neglectful narcissist. Even just calling him that is uninteresting. This entire time I have felt so lonely and felt like I was going crazy. People would think I am fool to want to leave him because of what he can provide, but inside I never felt heard and doubted myself. I am going to leave him. There are people that can love me and show me that. Thank you
This is my third time watching through this series on neglectful narcissists. Dr. Ramani you have literally changed my life. I have felt like I am crazy for so long, and it just made him control and gaslight me even more. Marriage to an entitled self-absorbed neglectful partner is absolute hell. I have completely lost myself. I am starting to be able to breathe and realize I am not crazy. I am tired of being held hostage by his endless insecurities and emotional punishment if I don't make him feel good about himself 24/7. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are reaching so many people and giving us our lives back.
I feel like I need to watch these multiple times, too! Love and hugs to you! "Self-preservation is a right." ❤❤❤
My fall out was depression, suicidal thoughts, learning that I'm worthless, that my only value is in doing for others and giving but I never had any words for it. No one recognized me or the situation and I grew up in a big family.
God blessed me and carried me my whole life and I am thankful daily.
❤️
I feel this so much
I feel for you. This was my husband. Hang on dear.
Amen and Amen
You read my mind. Thank you for putting it into words.
So true I heard this in english they called it the human disconnect and in french they called it the silent radio. I will share another thing they also called this flee me i follow you, follow me I fled from you. The result of this relationship at the end is often Trauma Bonding. I really think they do this because they want us to put their needs first and have a power dynamic.
Isabelle Parise pas forcément... ma famille fait semblant que je n’existe pas jusqu’au moment où ils ont besoin de quelque chose. Ma mère ne réponds même pas quand je lui parle. Mes sœurs ne prennent jamais de mes nouvelles et parfois ne répondent pas à mes messages et si je leur reprochent elles continuent à ne pas répondre. J’ai toujours eu l’impression que j’avais fait quelque chose de mal.
Wow. Just went through another holiday having to go through this. I feel like a piece of furniture. So happy to have found you. Now to figure out how to move on. It’s a living hell being with these people.
So true, you just exist to fulfill them. It took me too long to really get it. Wish you the best.
Sunflower Seeds
Put out the fire 🧯 👍😎
Fanning the flames only prolongs the pain & misery
My sister talked nonstop forc2 hours. She's my mom's favorite. My mom ignored everyone else. Her grandchildren where upset. My husband was pisted. I warned my husband my mom and sister aren't real family just people I like to never see again. My grown sons hate my sister and we cut ties in 2015. My mom pasted away in march. I and my son's feel relieved. The family hell is over.
Sandra, it is a hell living with these people. Did you find a way to move on? I am faced with having to go no contact with what is left of my aging parents and family. I need to do it but I'm financially tied to them. Brutal. I hope you're ok.
@@shaymichelledavis9027 My situation is similar and I pray I’m out of my situation by Summer/Fall. I don’t want to spend another Thanksgiving or Christmas this way. So lonely and depressing being with someone so cruel
Thank you for this series, the only upside to all of this was the freedom in neglect. i have done what i wanted in my lonely way and drowned out the deafening silence. All is left is to cut the tiny silver chain that tethers me to the cold monster.
✂️🔪
Yes I was happier before he was here 24/7 because of the pandemic.
I have been with my husband for nearly 50 years. After the love bombing stage he almost ignored me except when he wanted sex or something and I thought he was strange. He was a workaholic and very stressed and needed me to vent to. After a while I felt like the housekeeper but we had children to care for (or at least I did). My daughter divorced her narcissistic husband and I started to study it a bit closer and realised that my husband had many narcissistic traits but could never pin them down to a type. Thank you Dr. Romani for describing the Neglectful narcissist, H fits squarely into this one. I am 76 now and have learned over many painful years to just treat him as he treats me and we co-exist quite amicably. Thank God for affectionate grandchildren.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani! This fits my ex to a tee and how I felt invisible or as if I didn't exist unless he wanted something from me. For 28 years I did just what you said - I was pragmatic about what I had and what I would never get from him, and I found love and support elsewhere from friends, family, and my church community, until I finally decided it was too painful to keep living that way, feeling invisible and disregarded in my primary relationship, and I left. The hardest part now is the friends and family who only saw things from the outside, and who can't understand why I would leave a "nice guy" and a marriage that was "fine."
IKR,
If only there was a pair of glasses 👓 people could put on to see life thru our eyes 👀
32 years and I feel EXACTLY the same way. I'm on my way out.
They show themselves truly to those closest. Everyone else thinks they are so nice and perfect.
Yep. Don’t you just hate that. Conmen
@@elaine7860, I don't believe God would want anyone to stay in a relationship where they are being emotionally abused. In my case, I worked part-time during our marriage and kept that job afterward, and between that and the monthly alimony, have been able to make it financially. If you still have minor children, you should also get child support (mine were grown). You should also get 50% of the total assets. The hardest part has been losing friendships and relationships with his family, but that's been totally worth it to be out from under his thumb.
My ex (neglectful narcissist) before breakup said, "you are going to regret this". I asked what? He said, " That you let such a good man slip through through your hands".😂😂
Ha ha, the nerve lol. 😂😂
Now that's funny!
🤣🤣🤣
😂😂😂yes they say shit like that
Yeah, that’s pretty funny!
I really resonate with the part about it becoming your identity to try and get them to notice you and be pleased as well as them using the slot machine psychology to make sure you never just give up. I did benifit from being married to this type in the way that I never really had to answer to anyone about what I was doing or compromise a lot. If he wanted to do something he did it no matter how our conversation went and didn't care what I did most of the time. However, it's not worth the constant loneliness and having a partner who really just doesn't care.
Been there felt that,
It’s a shallow disconnected experience that was very lonely and unfulfilling for me too
I craved connection
@@phoenixrising8007 : describe this connection, please.
You deserve more!!!
WOW. I'm so glad I got out when I did.. It was beginning to effect my self esteem and self worth! The strangest part is that my ex husband would do everything else. He took care of the bills, the yard, he engaged in surface level conversation with me and other family members. There was even occasional gifts! But ask him to engage in real human connection, vulnerability in the relationship or plan our life out as a couple, he was NOT interested. He was definitely not interested in me, and I believe I'm a pretty darn interesting person! Lol.
Oh! And that arrogant, narcissistic side didn't allow him to attempt to even stop me from leaving. It was my loss in his mind. Until I was actually gone. Incredible to hear this description after knowing so much about other narcissistic traits and personalities. Wow.
I really feel like I have escaped the point of no return! So thankful.
Such a challenge for us to work with the incorrect assumption that the neglectful narcissistic person "must know how I feel right now..." No. S/he is actually, in fact, not thinking about me. And to call the NN on this, share how I feel, will only annoy or anger him or her. Truth!
IKR,
It was never about US
Shocking 😳 mind bending
We have feelings ?!
It was always about them
This comment or understanding of it could have saved me years spent cojoling the NN at the emotional "slot machine."
Leave with my dignity in place knowing that God and me are enough, because the inevitable stonewalling and denial are whats granted from the NN and a half grin when it's convenient.
thank you. thank you. thank you. I could never put my finger on this. I saw the lack of empathy, I saw the entitlement, I saw the workaholism, I saw the putting just about everything/ every one over me ,the silent treatments, the fact I would hoop jump... in my case basically... not to be criticized, feeling not good enough, feeling like he wanted me to be a robot.The uncomfortableness with emotion.And the denial of any sexual relations for 13 years. Wow. I knew something was wrong but I never thought THIS.
What are you going to do about this?
@@robinrevell5873 leave. but I'm quarantined with him right now until Labor Day. I'm high risk and I have nowhere to go. No family. Kept me from getting a job for years because we had to move all over the country for HIS career. And he has a great career because I've handled everything else, quite frankly. So I'm pretty screwed. get a divorce. wtf else can I do? I can't take it anymore. I guess I never really realized how BAD it truly is because he was gone all the time. Now he's here 24/7.
This looks like my case. So sorry to hear this is so pervasive. I am trying to leave but have a 16 yr old and 11 yr old. Can someone help me crystal ball gaze this?
Re watching this. Because it’s so good and new things come up every time for me. Like this time. I’m realizing. My neglectful narcissists in my life at least the friends (not the family) both told me they felt it was weak to need people. That they genuinely didn’t like people and people don’t like who they are when they are themselves. That they don’t feel like they need people and prefer to be alone. And any friendly behavior is them masking how they really feel. I tried to listen because it was presented as a concern at the time. And then I started to see it. And it then made me feel like our entire friendship was a lie. Like they were just pretending to be nice yet seething about me in a corner with all their flying monkeys who perceived me a certain way because of them and eventually those negative emotions towards me they couldn’t hide anymore. Accept they tried and it was told to me through the grape vine they they have negative bias towards me. Never again. Will I spend so much energy when I feel it’s off. Now I see it. And am so glad I’m out. It’s taking me years to heal though.
ok, this is the closest ive come to hearing outloud what i have lived, pretty close to this is it. ty
Put so much of my life into figuring outwhat to do. It hit me it was never me, I am no longer useful. Nowhere of the road to recovery is what's needed
What you describe, that's my life... Waiting to have cancer surgery, my narcissist sat way across the room. No words of comfort, no holding hands. Nothing. Very lonely time in my life also very scary because I was going to find out the extent of my cancer.
Omg, I hope you are ok now?! I relate in a non-medical sense... my ex husband decided we were moving from Los Angeles to the Bay Area so he could get his PhD at UC Berkeley. No discussion. When I protested that I didn't want to move there, he said, "Too bad, we've already done what you want to do." (Meaning, I went back to art school to finish my degree, now it's "His Turn.")
I'm sorry you experienced the deep part of such inconsiderateeness and lack of you're importance as the other half of the relationship. Amazing what narcissist can do with absolutely no empathy at all. Thank you for asking- I am okay. It's been about 18 years since that first bout with cancer. I have learned so much because of my narcissistic husband. Going through what I did has made me stronger. And I'm proud of that. By the way, I went to art school too. 🤗 I hope you are well and thriving...
@@summerkwai528 It is amazing the damage narcissists cause. I thought we (xhusband and I) were on the same level, emotionally... which is something I am still working on when I meet new people. I tend to put others on pedestals before they deserve that treatment from me (not that it's EVER healthy to do that). I am learning so much, as well. I went to art school, but haven't "practiced" art regularly in 12 years, other than some water colors and collages. I am glad you are stronger and recovering! I wish you strength and light and good tidings! This journey is no joke!
I always wanted to be known by my spouse on the deepest levels~ he could have cared less. Near the end before I left, I kept thinking, "I feel like a lovely bottle of wine being kept on a shelf collecting dust..." it wasn't until I found my own SELF WORTH that I decided it was time to leave. ❤️
This series on neglectful narcissists has been extremely helpful, I finally feel like the missing pieces are filled in and understand more of why I am the way i am. When i tried to create reciprocity by asking for things (even simple things) I was always met with contempt. Growing up with this is hard. I'm still trying to not personalize it and this video helps tremendously. Thank you Dr Ramani! I look forward to the next videos in the series
I once wrote my NN a letter after yet another discard. I said "I have neglected my family and friends who have given me so much love to pour everything that I had into you and our relationship.... You have reciprocated with crumbs of love. Just enough to keep me around."
I, too, have written similar things to my ex. Its crazy to know this is so rampant.
I realized I was in a war and my enemy was my comrade the one that was suppose to have my back he used my loyalty against me.
Yes, that realization is devastating initially. But, once I accepted that I have found it empowering.
Same. Times two.
@@nanettevaughn5058 I’m in the deep and stunned disbelief of “what have I endured???” And even worse, what have I allowed others (PAID PROFESSIONALS) to talk me into enduring for YEARS?! I’m talking THOUSANDS of dollars in therapy. THOUSANDS. countless hours and study and tears. I am tired of hating. Anyone in my shoes would be just as insane with grief and anger.
These one way relationships are exhausting to maintain. You keep giving until you are empty and it’s still never enough. ‘Don’t personalise’ is great advice. I wish I had known this earlier. Can’t change the past but it will help with my children’s present and future in their relationship with their neglectful father. Thank you, Dr Ramani❤️
True but it’s so hard not to take it personally. It helps to detach vs react, to pull back and distance yourself so that you can observe their behaviour like you’re holding a clipboard taking notes 📝 silently, lol
It’s staying calm, cool and collected amongst the storm that takes practise. Not allowing others to emotionally charge or zap ⚡️ you. That’s why NC is recommended it removes the negative charge from your positive battery 😎❤️
Phoenix Rising, agreed. NC is what I’m applying with him now, after understanding narcissism. But my children are not ready to let go of their father. It’s eroding their self esteem because they are constantly made to feel they aren’t good enough. If empowered with the ‘don’t personalise’ tool, I hope it will help them put things in perspective and move on with confidence and not be affected by the invalidation and indifference.
I wish you good luck on helping your children not absorb the “not good enough” stuff from their father. I went through this; my father was the neglectful narcissist. I wish my mother knew this information 60 or 65 years ago; she might not have married him then, or left him when I was a little girl, and I could have received healthier messages. I still struggle with the ‘not good enough” stuff. This is where my relationship with God comes in and has healed a lot of the damage.
Susan Grande, thank you for your good wishes. Sorry to know you had to deal with this too. Hope you find your peace. God bless you🙏🏼💕
"...an endless hoop jumping circus" (with no reward) Yeah, pretty much. It is very difficult to walk away...
The slot machine paradigm - Yes!
You're describing my family of origin! I watched one of Richard Grannon's videos a few years ago on this topic, and unfortunately, this pattern can set you up for being the family "scapegoat", if your life doesn't exactly go the way that the family approves of. If you've been "ignored" because you are "different" and then you experience a crisis in your life, watch out! All of the sudden, you will be noticed by your family! Prepare for them to "swoop in" and interfere in your life, because you are the loser, the "identified patient" that needs their "help". You've been assigned that role and unfortunately, you are cast into that role for life! They caused a great deal of damage when I underwent a personal crisis over 20 years ago, and I had to go "no contact." Around 10 years later, I went partial "no contact", so that my daughter wouldn't feel so isolated. Well, you're "damned if you do and damned if you don't". I was glad that she had some contact, but sure enough, they "swooped in" again (kinda like the mafia), made their "decision" that again, was extremely damaging to all concerned, and now they will never be bothered with me again, since I permanently severed ties with them. If they are sorry now, they will have to deal with that. They should have thought about the repercussions before they did what they did.
When my family ignored me decades ago, I really didn't care. I was living my life and they were living theirs. Christmas gatherings were really boring, since no one talked to me, so I left early. The siblings who had children had more in common with each other, and my younger brother just made small talk and escaped into the TV. It felt more like a "cocktail party" than a family gathering.
Welcome to my relationship with my mother. 😥
This is my mother through and through.
For years I've tried to get her to notice me, validate me in some way. But she doesn't.
She never respects any of my own ideas and often tries to either plant the seeds of failure in my mind or dissuade me from- going to university, travelling, starting my own business, starting a new relationship. She tries to be first in line to congratulate me when I'm successful to appear like she was always supportive of my ventures, but when I fail she has to be first in line to say "I told you so" too.
🌸💔
Same experience with my mother. She still tries to undermine my confidence at age 38.
Radical acceptance is so helpful everywhere. 🙏
I have a guy friend who I thought was into me. He only contacts me when he needs something. Talking to him is like talking to myself. Game over.
Just liking your profile pic and name...WWG1WGA😉
Survivor!
Now I am fully restored!
I became the narc...😢fully restored as well.I owned it.🎉
I find that maybe my ex WAS more neglectful and hit the " lonely & alone" was one of the questions that ponder before I left. I decided that I was lonelier in the marriage than I would be by myself! So again you hit the nail on the head! I always said it was like a business arrangement and not a marriage because I took care of him; put HIM through school, cleaned the house, cooked the meals, did the laundry, etc and he ignored me!!! No interest in me at all!. Invisible to him so I left. Thank you again. I'm learning so much. I still think he was covert too.
Dr., words can’t express the gratitude for what this series on this specific type of narc has done for me. I was in a 6 month relationship w/ a 42 yr old man, never married no kids, w/ a string of broken relationships. (I actually thought what a catch at first) & couldn’t quite understand what was happening with us, he started off strong to loop me in, then I learned he was an EXTREME workaholic while I spent my time doing cartwheels on fire for him to engage or even notice me. I felt selfish wanting his attention because it would take away from his goals. It was always crystal clear that his work came first second & third, & that I was never even considered a priority. Zero intimacy except sex. I had never in my life met someone so frozen or aloof. I’d read hundreds of blogs and articles, and nothing quite fit what I experienced w/ him, until I watched this series. I knew he was a more low key sinister narc, but what type? Now I know. Then I realized, yes, I have seen this type of person before. My mother. You gave me two gifts: you’ve helped me with my ex by giving me the information on this specific type of narc, & I now have the strength to block him forever. I’m now 100% sure he is a narcissist, even has a harem I never knew about. Secondly, I learned that a core wound from my mother, who treated me the exact same way as this man (like I was invisible unless I was “useful,”) is probably what kept me hanging on with hands bleeding to this guy. Thank you. You’ve saved me in a very real way. 💜
Thank you for this series! This is the exact experience I had in the relationship I finally got enough emotional strength to leave after 4 1/2 yrs. I never understood why he didn’t engage in difficult discussions. He would shut down, and I often felt as if I’m lecturing or acting contemptuous when all I wanted was for him to just speak up, share his perspective, and work on solving an issue. I felt so alone and so sad in the one-way relationship, always hoping like you said. Even after leaving the relationship, I still felt anger at how a highly functioning person can be so cold and neglectful to their loved ones. In some ways I feel like I must have been so desperate for his love and attention by doing so many loving acts of kindness, service, gift-giving to show him how valued he is in my life. Yet at the end of the day, I still felt lonely and isolated…like that dying plant. Thank you for helping me realize not to take his behavior personally. His neglect could be emotionally damaging in so many ways.
They are also strangely vigilant and they have no problem to focus
But they rely on others to do the work and they are super calm even if they have works
They will only engage if they need something. They are using you. You even find yourself to be careful to not talk/text more than them
They will be mad of you if you try to make the effort to make the conversation longer.
They are amazingly calm as if there's no danger around. They will look at you as if you have done something wrong whenever you ask questions.
They are easily annoyed and they have this tendencies to ignore/ deflect questions
When they realized that no one wants them anymore meaning they can't use anyone to do the job, they will just quit without further effort
This is interesting. Thank you, Dr Ramani. I've been dating someone who was a covert narcissistic (while arguing, always the victim) and a neglectful one but also ego-syntonic. He was aware he was difficult and I thought that through talks and negotiation he would evolve, kind of a fairytale in which I would be able to help him out and escape from his demons. To be honest, I saw red flags from the beginning. Early disclosure, horrible past and a strong codependency with an ex-gf. But I set some boundaries as soon as we started dating and I thought It would be difficult but would change. He was respectful at the beginning but later he started to neglect my needs and started to be resented about very little stuff. However I listened to my body and despite the trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance I ran away.
In short, I realized, all narcissistics follow the same process even "conscious" narcissists. It's very difficult for them to evolve. As I started to engage and ask for more intimacy, he started to pull back and I left him and I started to see more and more narc traits.
His ex-gf, I wouldnt say that she's a narc, nor even him despite his behaviour but some of their attitudes and behaviours are a mirrors of what Dr. Ramani states in her series.
My ex has an autoinmune disease and in the moments of stress he relies on her instead of me or other couples he has had after me. Yes, he's a little of a womanizer.
I think that this girl feeds her ego taking care of him from time to time but without handling his mood and a daily routine with him. I also think, he enjoys her need of rescuing him. She hasnt retreat after we started dating and he hasnt put any kind of limits to her. It's like another gf but her doesnt take any bullshit of him. That's for me. My ex-narc told me while breaking up that he wasnt responsible of my feelings and that I wanted to occupy all roles in his life. I was so distressed after all that gaslightning and dismissiveness that I went back to watch these videos.
Enormous thank you for your validation, Dr. It doesnt Matter how you are, your needs must be met in a relationship or else, better to run away.
coming back again, I am realizing I need to love myself, it is them who can't love. I am tired of overeating, dont need to weigh 400 lbs over them. I am just sick and tired of groaning and moaning over something I cannot change. I dont want to be like I can't sleep, I have to drink or take pills to deal, worrying all the time, look like shi#t, gaining or losing weight, for me it is gaining, can't drag myself out of bed, yes sick and tired of this, depressed all the time, think of them every waking moment. Enough is Enough. Dont allow anyone to do this to you.
Time to go be with good friends, enjoy my good husband, do what I enjoy and let go of these adult narc kids. Geez, reading about other Moms who are suicidal. No one is worth this. Thank you Dr Ramani for explaining all this. It is time for us to love ourselves and find people capable of loving us! Did I say No one is worth this! Get a grip, enjoy life, get strong!
Finally! These are the answers I was trying to find. Nothing else seemed to fit my ex exactly. I was never quite sure if he was a narcissist or just close. He is manipulative but never really seemed to love bomb me or discard me. He seemed capable of empathy and self reflection on a couple of occasions. There was no reciprocity but there was some mutuality. I was able to determine that he has ADHD, CPTSD, and a dismissive attachment style. I figured out his mother and grandmother probably both have narcissistic patterns of behavior. I was trying to figure out if he was the scapegoat or golden child and I think probably the scapegoat. Whenever I was ready to walk away from the relationship then he became visibly distressed and would try to change my mind. Finally I was done. I know it hurt him. Three months later he was doing a good job of trying to woo me back but it was just kind words and promises of a better future which were the things he did while we were together. And then he asked for money. Learning to say no to someone I was completely enamored with was so hard to do but I am now a stronger and better person of it even though it still hurts me to do so.
Been going through this for 30 years
Thank you Dr. Ramani, I have watched you over the past few years and have learned so much about myself and relationships. And here it is - this hits the nail on the head. My husband was overall a neglectful narcissist, and a covert narcissist especially with victimhood as the main theme whenever things didn't go his way, and it is such a relief to hear you describe all that I went through. My family and I are healing, and truly you have been such a help in the process.
THanks Dr R! I have adapted to not personalising the insulting behaviours of narcissistic individuals, who ever they may be...
Oh My Lord help Me I’m falling apart right now!!! 🥺😢😭This was the missing peace of my childhood and my grown life with my Mother and my 29 year Marriage too...I’m so sick of being ignored and never heard or cared about When it comes to them you better be there with bells on caring and loving them They don’t have to return either of those traits back to you Covert/Neglectful..This makes since I was sick and down for 12 years still disabled I was them and still am in charge of everything that matters and has to be done in Life today...They are above cleaning cooking etc. If it’s not what they want to do at the time it needs to be done you will do it!! Because the bills have to be paid they are the most
Un-responsible people I have ever met I’m the one in charge of everything yet they want to run the show and do nothing My Spouse will sit outside and talk to a stranger for hours never even tell me where he went He can sit in the house all night and never say anything to me or look up from the phone or TV these things are more important then Me and our Marriage!! This is a hit too the heart bad and good!!! There so happy when they get what they want but never ever want to help you out or give you what you need more or less what you might want...Thank you Jesus and Dr. Romani for this last peace to this puzzle...🙏🏻🥺😞
I hear you and feel you. Step by step, take good care of you.
It’s a new day for you and your dogs. ☺️💪🏼💐
Bingo!! I'm in a relationship like this for many years..im so sad. I've been erased.
This is my narcissistic persons baseline. He CYCLES from this to being manipulative, gaslighting and raging. The weirdest show of neglect is the fact that when he comes into a room where I am and talks to me, he doesn’t look at me. He has a piercing stare when he really needs to be grandiose and get a response from me. Or when he needs to make a point about something and it’s so uncomfortable for me. When he is drinking he makes glaring eye contact.
I have said no less than 1,000 times in 32 years, "Please look at me when we're talking". Nope. It's like asking him to recite the Pledge of Allegiance in French.
This is exactly how my dad is as a neglectful narcissist. They intimidate with just a look. It's quite creepy and scary. The intensity of the stares, especially after feeling ignored, dismissed, and invisible, is really jarring. The physical "looks" coupled with the utter lack of acknowledgement that I exist is its own form of manipulation
" why are you glaring at me?" I call him DragonBallZ sometimes when he is doing it, yes, charged on alcohol. Throwing lazers to annihilate me with.
Hit the nail on the head!!!! My husband of 8 years couldn't tell you anything about me or my childhood or past/current anything. I always felt like I was begging or desperate for him to acknowledge me or the kids. Like you said ONLY when he needed something from me or needed me to do something for him. Luckily for the 3rd and last time...he picked a fight 2 days after Christmas and when I gray rocked the argument, he told me he wanted a divorce and I let him leave and have no energy or want left in me to keep fighting for something that has no significance in his life. It's FINALLY not about HIM anymore!!!!!! Chains have been broken❣❣❣
Now I know for sure, my heart is ripped out again, my life exactly for 30 years ! Thank you, no matter how painful, thank you doctor for sharing this for free. It is as if you have studied my husband for 30 years, I am speechless....
I thought my ex was actually covert but the glitter thing I've actually done. Divorced him 3 years ago much happier alone
I’m not even half way thru this video and I’m like YES!
I remember being in bed writhing in pain for days. My mother would peak in, look at me, then walk away without saying a word. She's not that way with my siblings, only me.
Since I started watching your videos in January 2021 which was when I broke up with my narc and when i went no contact, I have learned so very much, which I thank you for, but wow today finding this video hits my heart very hard… 😭😭😭 this is spot on and is 1 million percent of what I have experienced and as enlightening as the info on identifying a neglectful narcissist, your suggestion for the person who has been abused by neglectful narcissist is that true golden nugget I have been looking for… you said to find your own worth and being seen… this certainly has set a new tangible course for my journey as I have been grasping straws and just felt empty. Thank you for your words of hope and direction. 😭💕.
my fraternal twin sister has treated me this way all our lives. it has had an enormous negative impact on my life and my whole family that continues over a lifetime. Now i am 45 and aware of why ive never had the expected closeness i sm able to heal and prepare myself for future abuse. Thankyou x
I lived the loneliness 30 years of my life with my husband after having to deal with the meanest narcissistic mother, but I still have hope that I can be happy now that I’ve left my husband and went no contact with my mother. It isn’t easy I have to start over with no money, car etc. I’m lucky to have good brothers that are willing to help me out. This totally describes my partner I didn’t know neglectful narcissist term exited!!! Thank you Dr. Ramani 🤲🏻💕 for sharing so much wisdom and knowledge 💖
Thank you for these insights regarding Neglectful Narcissism. It's the first time I've heard this term and I've had a lot of trouble reconciling my certainty that my ex-husband is a narcissist because he isn't/wasn't prone to raging. Not at me, not at the children, although he certainly showed great callousness and disregard in a wider setting. He is malicious, he gaslights, trivializes, minimizes, can be heavily grandiose when he perceives himself "winning" and throws massive pity parties when he perceives himself "losing" - it seems to be either one extreme or the other. He's very all or nothing. No middle ground; no shades of gray. We are divorced and that was a complete shit-show that I kinda/sorta won, at least economically and definitely psychologically, but it wasn't easy. He initiated a "maybe we really shouldn't be together" tactic through the vehicle of an email that got me strategizing, a blunder that still astonishes me, and my grown children were very supportive of me leaving the marriage. He was gone during most of the years our kids were growing up and they're knocking on 40 now and do seem to me to be functional, compassionate, caring people. I waited until they were in their twenties to exit and the email was a gift, albeit unintentional, that made it easy. He'd suggested splitting up many times over our 30+ marriage to keep me in line, which worked, until it didn't. It was upsetting/disruptive/difficult for my kids but they were adults, there would be no using them and damaging them as ways to hurt me. That's when the rage came out, the smears, the trying to turn them into flying monkeys. It was unsuccessful, which I know is lucky. I'd like to say that strategizing made it easier, less painful, having some control finally, but it didn't. It was a devastating experience and I wouldn't have got through it without a really good therapist who understood the nature of narcissism and the havoc it creates and the support of my friends and family.
Celebrating 10 years without him in June. It's been the best 10 years of my life.
You have a real gift for taking some very complicated dynamics and distilling them into useful little nuggets of information. That's a talent. It's a dark and very lonely world when you live with a narcissist and waking up to reality isn't sunshine, roses and butterflies. It's almost as bad as how you feel when you're in denial, endlessly apologizing, never, ever being enough. It's worth waking up because on the other side of the wasteland you wake into, there is a life worth having.
I hope that in spending so much time thinking about it you don't get dragged down. It's grim material. I appreciate that you do it, you help us, but I hope when you descend into the ways/hows/why abyss of narcissism you have a good support system and a strong rope.
:)
@Janis Lonsdale Leader Just wanted to say that you are a lovely writer. : - ) So glad you were able to get out and that your kids turned out well in spite of him. Good wishes to you!
I always viewed this as crossing an emotional boundary when it happened in a romantic relationship. The contract between us both as partners set up the expectation of emotional availability, but that was the purpose of the lovebombing phase. After we moved in together, he became completely obsessed with work and could not be bothered to interact, and even had silent contempt for me the moment I went to pick up any of my personal creative practices. Of course he denied the wordless judgment and scorn, but anyone who’s experienced the feeling of narcissistic contempt knows it by heart, and can feel when someone is using it on you. It was like he silently controlled the temperature of the room, which sent me into PTSD spirals and made me so anxious I couldn’t function, which gave him supply. It was torture, and it was dedicated. He took a long time setting things up so the conditions were right for him to be able to do things like this to me long-term.
@Millie Woo YES to this: "It was like he silently controlled the temperature of the room.." So well put! And also the nonverbal contempt they think they can sneak out of responsibility for. No. I see your games! I hope you are FREE and feeling better now. Wishing you well!
My narc was neglectful but he gave just enough breadcrumbs to keep me satisfied. That statement alone showed there was a serious problem. He was always in his own world but partly that was because he was talking to other women. I just left him alone and entertained myself with my friends and other things that occupied my time. Deep down inside, I was starving for attention and validation. I would walk around naked and still no response. That was a blow to my ego. He's out of my life now but I'm still in the process of learning to love myself and to believe I was enough!