I agree, they blend in a fashion similar to white on rice making it difficult to tell who they are until the slander campaign begins. My challenge is to forgive and not allow them to live rent free in my head. Knowing that I want my life to reflect the love of Jesus is what helps me to stay focused.
My mother in law would offer immense amounts of help. If I didn’t accept the help, she would get angry. It was the strangest thing I’d ever encountered. But then I would feel forced to let her help me, she would, and then she would use it against me later. No contact for over 4 years and it’s been the best thing I ever did.
My mum is like this somewhat. She is always trying to help me by forcing things upon me. Then if I make the mistake of taking her help, she will use it as an excuse to tell me why I suck. When I say anything to family they say 'she's only trying to help'. She likes being the victim so she doesn't go out to charity events. But she will give people stuff and then be like 'they'd be nothing without my help'
My ex was the same way, they want the praise and attention that comes with their help and they also want to control every aspect of your life. It's for the best that you cut contact.
My Dad does this to. Or he'll buy me things that he thinks I "need" as if I'm not a financially stable adult who can buy it myself. I made a passive comment about how I liked sticky rice (A Lao dish) and the next time I saw him he "gifted" me with this elaborate set up to make my own sticky rice at home. It's sitting in my closet and has literally NEVER been fucking used because I didn't actually want or ask for it.
Mothers in law are so evil. You should see how evil mine is. No contact for over 2 years and half after I separated from my narcissistic husband 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 and it’s been such a relief to get rid of her fake face.
Fermented sailor. Something smells fishy here. Empath is a condition as is narcissism and between the two, I’ll take the empath any day. You have no idea if this woman is unlearning old patterns or not. Only thing foolish is your comment.
Ooooh i used to work in the non-profit sector. Those places were FULL of these communal narcissists! I was a young fresh graduate & idealistic and genuinely thought everyone in these circles must be angels who just want to make the world a better place. I've wised up since. Self-serving & career-driven rather than good Samaritans. The spiritual community is also a place to find this type. Thank you, Doctor!! 💜💜
Omg so true.. i thought the same way when i joined a non profit, in hope to find a conducive environment to grow.. i thought people in NGOs must be honest, have high integrity and passion to serve but turns out they are just as toxic as those dreaded office coworkers, those mean drama driven highschoolers... I think they chose to be in the NGO cuz they serve vulnerable segment of people.. people that they definitely have some sort of power over.. it's sad and sickening at the same time.
@@louannblocker4341 I'm sorry to hear that, it is traumatizing working under Narcissists. That happened to me when I was younger and didn't know about Narcissism. I was nearly fired for no reason and was constantly micromanaged. They even had two pages of lies and said if I don't drastically improve they will fire me. I was so hurt and confused and was literally in tears. I already had another job lined up though because I saw the writing on the wall. They did the same thing to another girl there and when she left, they did it to me. After I left they just continued this way with every new person that came in. They really got off on it. But it left me with some work related PTSD. I constantly feared being fired over nothing. I still struggle with that fear to this day.
So true. And true in unpaid causes as well. Both can burn through so many good people, leaving them cynical and hurting and unsure how to serve the issues they care about. While these narcissists stay in power, acting like it is so hard to find people who really care to help in the work
Some real horror shows I encountered were volunteering in social justice. For years the woman who ran one was always in a wheel chair, (I had assumed it was for a real reason and not a prop), and she always demanded odd meals "for the poor" which were exactly what she wanted,; she got skilled people to do work for nothing ALL the time for her private residence. When I found out the wheel chair was a prop, that I had invested so much time for nothing, argued about the health of the meals (didn't realize she just wanted what she wanted and the health of the homeless was not relevant), I became and remain skeptical of Christians and SJWs.
I have been waiting for this subtype of narcissists. This is the most frustrating of all because NOBODY BELIEVES ME. “But he’s a teacher who gives his students special opportunities, a first responder who attends extra trainings, a dispatcher, a church goer who assists with communion, volunteers to make filling at Thanksgiving and coordinate organ repairs. He works two full time jobs while going to grad school...” and the list goes on. It’s not empathy. It’s a shield to deflect ANYone who might come close to sniffing out his true character. He’ll do special things for his students, but only when they make HIM look good. He’d take his grandmother to church, but then ask someone else to take her home (usually me) because he had to hit the gym right after. I think the most disgusting bit of this for me is that I truly believed we took our shared faith seriously. Yet he had NO problem cheating on me with a married woman, a mother, and still gives people the blood of Christ as a communion assistant, all the while knowing he continues to break one of the Ten Commandments over and over. It makes me sick every time I think about it. Best diet ever.
Oh, I hear you, and I believe you. I was raised by a communal narcissist. One of the most frustrating things about it is that everyone around you thinks this person walks on water. The only reason it looks like that is that they are standing on the submerged heads of their family members.
Seen a lot of hypocrisy in churches. I prefer to spend my time and energy and thoughts elsewhere. I know what you mean fake people - wolves in sheep's clothing. Church is a perfect spot for these predators to hide.
Communal narcissists are big in the church . My adopted family were big in the church yet collectively they treated me like a slave/criminal. Communal narcissists hate REAL empathy , joy, laugher, love and compassion . It irks them to their core.
Yes I know. It works both ways. For example I saw that during the following episode during a Canadian style satire/farce episode making fun of all widows left behind with assets[No matter how many children and grandchildren she already has and no matter how much she is being generous and helpful as sponsor to one family after another from overseas. Like the nice retired widowed nurse with 20 some grandchildren who while housing people from another nation was willing to drive me to church once a week too ] Of course the producers of that show called "This Hour HAs 22 Minutes" would never dare do a similar one about rich widowers instead or about 'marriage' fraudster gulag gangs who are still getting away with that one right after another for the whole marketable life of their human trafficked victims too because that might be too risky to their T.V. station building. ruclips.net/video/Koz1qpT4Oqs/видео.html
Yes!! Many of these tend to have a “white saviour complex” where their need to feel superior to others is disguised in charitable work and helping others. It really frustrated me because from the outside they appear to be seemingly good and moral people but deep down they’re only helping others for their own personal gain
@@kyliekellsdickson4065 that sounds just like my neighbor and ex-friend. Someone pointed out to me that she is a narcissist and at first I couldn’t believe it. But after researching a bit I realized they were right: she is a narcissist. A communal one. Everyone else in the neighborhood thinks she’s the perfect angel (which is exactly what she wants). But now I know better.
This is why I've removed myself from social media entirely. I just couldn't stand watching people pretend all the time... On a CONSTANT search for validation. This whole "holier-than-thou" mentality is sickening. "I have more likes and followers... What do you have?" A healthy sense of self! How'd ya like them apples😉
During Covid lockdown I caved in and opened a Facebook account hoping to reach out to people. I was enthused for about 24 hours. Then I realized how aggrandizing people were. "Oh you are the BEST" "No, YOU are!" "No, YOU are!....." Gushing about each other's mundane snapshots. People used to groan when someone brought out family photos. It was not cool to bore people with them. Now the code is "I'll gush about you, if you gush about me!!!"
My Mother Is a communal narcissist, when I was a kid growing up ,being Greek and going to so many social events, church, christenings, name day parties funerals etc, people would come up and tell me how sweet and kind my dear mother was, and its true she is so amazing 👏 "To everyone else! as soon as were in the car or at home, oh my goodness, a completely different person would come out. Being a kid it was confusing, maybe it was me that was bad All grown-up now Mum is even nicer than she was, volunteering at nursing homes, fund raising even generously donating her own money out to the sick and needy But alas to her own family I'm not even going there But now I understand
Everyone on our street thought my husband was the nicest guy ever! When it snowed he would shovel everyone's driveway (if they were female). He would go door to door of any females and ask if they needed help. He would spend all day working on our neighbour's car. Meanwhile, I had to be at work early. My car would not start. I asked him to help me He would not drive me to work because he had hitched the boat to his truck, and he was going fishing. I asked him to at least wait until a tow truck came. He wanted to give me money for a cab, and leave me. When I asked him why he was so much nicer to the neighbours, he told me "Because I already GOT you". It's like I was merchandise....
"Their do-gooding makes them look good." That's it in a nutshell! It's still the "Look at ME!" aspect of narcissism. It's pervasive in volunteer organizations, churches, and anywhere a C.N. gets validation from a group. Looking forward to Part 2!
I guess communal narcissists would want a family as part of their image - they want a spouse not because they are interested in a spouse but because they can tell the world that they are married, and the "married" status only adds a bonus to their public image.
True, because once they have their big fancy wedding, they do NOTHING to sustain the marriage and blame their partner for everything that goes wrong in their lives afterwards.
When my spouse ran off for the weekend with old supply she told me “for you our marriage was about love, for me it was a production. ☹️Yes, all a show... and what a final act. As one of my friends said, “there’s a special place in hell for people like this”. I don’t know, they seem to be living in hell here...
Yep you're describing my sister who destroyed her husband and turned his kids against him...yet denies any problems are happening in her marrige while her husband is addicted to drugs and wanting to die...they slowly suck the life out of people.You see couples and one looks healthy the other drained...bingo narcissistic abuse.
The "Twin Flame" people. I've been trying to shift the dialogue to narcissism awareness and I get so much pushback in that realm. They're the humble humanitarian raising the energy vibe and simultaneously throw shade at each other. One of those self styled gurus called me, asked why I don't do as much charity and fundraising as she does. (I do, I just don't talk about it.) Another person lost a loved one and BEFORE 24 HRS WAS EVEN UP they made a Facebook page and posted their "illness journey" with the deceased, backing in the sympathy extraction. It's so sick..
Yes, yes, yes. I was married to a communal or altruist narcissist for 35 years. He would leap to help so many in the community and then would treat me like junk in private. He also had a tendency to "rescue" emotionally needy women by having emotional affairs and finally a sexual affair. Of course, many do not believe such a nice guy would do this. Thankfully, I have turned inward to heal myself and I am moving on. Thank you Dr. Ramani for defining some of these hard to recognize narcissists!
I have a sister that is very giving. She likes to give away other people’s things without permission and then ask for praise. Once someone receives help from her they are constantly reminded of it. She likes to think of herself as Robin Hood. Taking from the rich and giving to the poor to feed her ego. I can’t count the number of things that were taken from me and gifted to someone who needed them more. Appliances, furniture, inheritance, money etc. all her giving has to have fanfare. Nothing is given without public announcement either by social media or word of mouth.
i had a coworker who would always spend time with damn near everyone at our job outside of work. whenever she has a party she invites everyone. she follows everyone on social media. she would refer to all of them as her friends. whenever they had a problem she would listen to them. she would constantly say she is so nice and humble. on the flip side she would tell me that none of our coworkers are her real friends and she would talk shit about a lot of them. she did things that were manipulative af like lying about how her friend died to get off of work. she stopped talking to me after i quit. i always had a feeling she was a narcissist, but thought it was impossible for someone who is so “nice” to be one. after watching this video i have realized she is just a communal narcissist. she is “nice” to everyone because it makes her look good and get perks at work. if i told anyone what she says about them behind their backs they would not believe me.
Same here! I had a co-worker who was independently wealthy, but she wanted to work so that she had something to talk about at cocktail parties. 😂 She would take young colleagues under her wing and start by offering the shirt off of her back. She would invite them to her comfortable home, loan them her extra luxury car if their little starter car broke down etc. the price of her kindness was literally your SOUL, privacy, and self respect. She dogged out every “friend” she ever “helped”. Up close, she’s a miserable woman.
Have a neighbor like this .. I dropped her like bad habit , she knew every bodies dirty secrets .. I mean dirty . If they do it to them they’ll do it too you 🤬
Yep, it's more common than you think. This is why I don't make friends at work. I talk to them and am friendly, but nothing too personal. I learned the hard way not to trust my coworkers.
There’s so little out there about communal narcissism, I would love to hear more about how to deal with narcissists who are violent when enraged but good at appearing empathetic when others are watching.
I am reminded of the great Jewish scholar Maimonides, who invented the following ladder of giving. Each rung up represents a higher degree of virtue: 1. The lowest: Giving begrudgingly and making the recipient feel disgraced or embarrassed. 2. Giving cheerfully but giving too little. 3. Giving cheerfully and adequately but only after being asked. 4. Giving before being asked. 5. Giving when you do not know who is the individual benefiting, but the recipient knows your identity. 6. Giving when you know who is the individual benefiting, but the recipient does not know your identity. 7. Giving when neither the donor nor the recipient is aware of the other's identity. 8. The Highest: Giving money, a loan, your time or whatever else it takes to enable an individual to be self-reliant.
Self-reliant: bingo! Narcissism is all about trying to make people dependent of you, unable to admit that you are the one who is fully dependent of everyone else to have any semblance of self-esteem. People who want you to be self-reliant are usually good people.
I have learned through experience that after a Narcissist do their "Good Deed" there is always a wrath of rage for someone to suffer. These ppl are a bottomless pit of unsatisfaction.
Yep a lot of church folks. The right way to do it is without expecting anything back. To do it just from the pure generosity from your heart. I knew a woman who was very involved in her church, and the only reason she went there was to make rich friends, connections, have people work on her house and on her car for free, and also used the church as a character alibi. She tried to make people feel guilty and obligated to always return the favor to her. She had a rotten, mean disposition; talked about people behind their backs a lot. She was not a Christian. You nailed it, Dr. Ramani. This was like a love letter to me. Me and my family have been hurt by people like this. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Some parts were really funny too bc it was so spot on (the pursed lips)!
Promote their version of reality against any other version of reality. Which is, of course, the only possible right and good reality. Even when their reality harms others through omission or ignorance.
Isn’t it crazy I remember going to a job and this dude I barely know told me that as we are all working the SAME job doing the SAME thing smh I’m like is he serious?? Who even is this dude think he is??
Everything everyone does has mixed motivations, both altruistic and self serving. I define a communal narcissist as someone who gets their narcissistic SUPPLY from their charitable actions. One of the most insidious types is the helping professional (sometimes a psychotherapist) who gets to look like such an empathetic and wonderful person (they can act empathetic when they want to!) and then does untold damage behind closed doors.
There is nothing more validating than understanding who you are as an individual. Once you are able to understand your true self you will never need an outside source for self validation because you understand your self worth and you have true inner peace. Seeking validation from an outside source is a sign that you lack self awareness. Sending out much love to all the people that have concurred their inner demons and evolved to a higher self. Sending out a silent prayer for all those that are lost in their denial of rationalization.
@@GUURL101 Most of us do. But some never realize it at all. Consider yourself lucky to have realized it and evolve to the best you can be moving forward.
This describes the last Narc person I walked away from. When you see through them they refuse to accept that you are not the one with the problem because they are working so hard and you just won't cooperate anymore. They try to force you into a relationship of their making and when you set boundaries they get ticked off. Yeah, they are not worth unmasking because nobody will believe you anyway. You just quietly walk away and find that you would so lover to help but you now are just too "busy" with your own cause and its just as good of a cause as the other one. You just can't do everything. Its hard to find fault when someone is working hard at another worthwhile cause.
Now if we could get the general population to not just "know" this, but actually realize and accept, we may actually be able to make a difference in this world. Even at this late hour. The narcissistic dynamic applies to politicians and beyond. None of our institutions are legitimate, they're all a sham, an Orwellian doublespeak. Everyone is lying, delusional, or cowering. The biggest enemy is not any given politician, nor even necessarily the central bankers and "shadow government". It's the medical and public health system. FDA, CDC, ADA. They all need to be destroyed. AAP, AMA, et al need to be ignored as hucksters and frauds, and all the garbage they've propagated and perpetuated over the years, discarded. Starting with water fluoridation.
I disagree with that. There are politicians, and they aren't even rare, who will make unpopular decisions and explicitly say "Sorry, I know you guys don't like it, but it's my job to do what needs to be done. Go ahead and hate me if you want." And these same people will not be very comfortable when others want to throw them a party to celebrate them as a person, because as far as they are concerned, they are only doing their job. Yeah, I know, most of them eventually get corrupted, but it still doesn't make them narcissists. You'd have to be on the inside to see how the corruption really happens, it's almost like they are not given the choice. The brave few who fight it end up sacrificing everything else for their integrity and to be able to serve as they intended. But yeah, politics do tend to attract narcissistic types more than many other fields.
THIS....I began attending a yoga studio run by one of these people. I couldn't understand why I always left there either angry or upset until I learned (from you) about communal narcissism. Once I saw it, I quit the studio. Now I practice yoga with Adrienne right here on youtube. She's delightful and now I am reaping the benefits of yoga minus the bullshit. I'm so thankful for your insights, Dr. Ramani!!!!
Wow and the video only came out 46 minutes ago! So amazing! I'm inspired by your strength, willpower, and ability to recognize your self worth! Keep it up! Edit: And I just realized your comment is 30-something minutes old! So you did that within 10 to 15 minutes. Amazing. Simply amazing. You're an inspiration! I hope one day I'm as strong as you are. You give all of us here hope. You should start your own RUclips channel.
@@andrewcapps5175 Wow! To be so facetious, passive aggressive and sarcastic all in one sentence takes a lot of hurt. Be kind to others, and that'll help your self hatred.
Okay, now finally I know which kind of narcissist I worked for. I knew she was a narcissist because of her extreme sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, grandiosity, emptiness, fakeness, etc. etc. but she didn't fit with Grandiose, Vulnerable/Covert, or other types of narcs. Communal narc TOTALLY fits! She was my boss and she started and ran an environmental non-profit and she made life hell for those of us who worked for the organization who ACTUALLY cared about our mission. For example, we were growing and needed to move to a new location with more space and we found a great piece of property but there was a very large oak tree that blocked where we would need to put a parking area. She had no qualms about cutting down that massive beautiful oak tree but the staff rose in mutiny and stopped her! Thank God! It was an environmental nonprofit for God's sake but she didn't give a damn about that beautiful tree that was home to so many creatures and provided shade in our hot southern town and was a beauty to behold. The org had a wonderful mission and the new employees were always so thrilled to be hired but then they would soon realize she was crazy and they would leave. We would have over 40% turnover every year due to her emotional and verbal abuse of us and yet the Board and the community thought she was just GREAT! The Board were her flying monkeys and it made me sick. I knew some of them personally and one or two of them seemed to have a sense that something was very wrong but I guess they felt there was nothing they could do about it because the narcissist was the one who started the organization and she would not have left.
My father was a (Christian) parish minister for the first 16 years of my life and then became a counselor at a community college until his retirement. Everyone outside the family thought he was just WONDERFUL. My mother, my brothers, and I had a very different experience of him--especially my mother and me. He has been dead for 10 years, and it still amazes me how many people he managed to fool. It used to bother me that he got away with it so completely, but I have finally been able to let that go.
Altruistic narcissism!! My ex was this as well. He was pretty much EVERY type of narcissistic toxic type. It just depended on the day or hour or minute.
I met someone like this and it was interesting to see how someone so outwardly focused could simultaneously be so selfish and unempathetic. Someone who wants to be a politician for the prestige of being in a position of influence, while being completely uninterested in the perspectives of his constituents.
Oh, my. After my session this morning with my psychologist (who is a big fan of yours!) and talking about how I had to leave a volunteering position and giving her details, she told me to look up Communal Narcissists. Mind blown! My veteran husband passed away last year, and this great opportunity arose where I could volunteer at a start-up, free thrift store for veterans and active duty military, fully funded by donations. My heart was so in it! I bonded with so many people. Sat and just listened to them, laughed and thoroughly enjoyed the interactions. Well, during this time, I saw quite few red flags on how this founder was treating us volunteers, especially her sweet sister who is on the spectrum and high functioning. I had a private conversation with her about it, and she chalked it up to being stressed, not feeling well, yada yada and apologized. Yet it persisted. Always an excuse. It came to a head last week when she was just downright condescending and verbally abusive. Although it sucked, I said hasta la vista. No thank you, ma'am. Watching this video and seeing that she exhibited every.single.behavior was eye opening. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
When you practice an act of kindness you should keep it to yourself, otherwise it loses it's meaning. An act of kindness does good to your soul and you have no need to announce it...
I have a mom like this. I like to do things for people too, but it boggles my mind how you have to let the world know about it. That's kind of embarrassing. No one has to know except you and your benefactors. If they speak of your generosity, it's nice, but it's not required.
My ex, a single narcissist who has multiple Instagram and Facebook accounts, adopted a puppy a couple years ago, and almost immediately, that dog was spending 5 days a week in "doggy day care". It appears as though the dog and all of the selfies posted with it, haven't garnered the attention and validation needed, because I found out that very recently, she adopted a child. My first reaction is that she just purchased a living, breathing, human validation machine. I have grave concerns for this child and their future.
GetWellSoon I don't know which country you live in, but where I live 18 is the age of adulthood and as for me, I went to university in a different area so had a reason to go. From that point forward, I supported myself. Luckily at the time, there was a student allowance that was enough for a shared rental in a scruffy house and very basic food. Thereafter I supported myself with working. In many countries, there are some kind of community services (local government) where you can ask for advice or help. Various other places can offer advice possibly - libraries with brochures, state or national government agencies, domestic violence services, phone counselling services. Or friends or friends' families. You just have to be careful to not get in with a bad crowd, and have a bit of motivation and intelligence to take care of yourself.
@@iWANDER262Staying with a narcissistic parent is toxic,it wears you down,etc. Since you want to leave your 'dad's place",be sure to have copies of your birth certificate and social security card, so you will have that to apply for a state i.d. car/drivers' license.With the drivers license and social security card,you can apply for a job-restaurants are hiring.You could also work in the summer resorts-some have low cost housing,and you could do some networking of other jobs in the area...just some ideas
It took me decades to understand that THIS IS my mother & her sister, who do so much for everybody, all of the time. It was so hard to see that it was more about validating themselves, rather than helping others. And nobody was wise to the anxiety & paranoia underneath it all. They still don't see it, but I'm done living to validate them & make them feel ok. I've nearly died from the emotional trauma & the long term stress on my body. I had to go no contact for a bit & now have some contact but with much stronger boundaries which, if not respected, will mean no contact again. It's going ok, but isn't easy. For sure.
Everyone loves my mom. She'd volunteer, donate, and she helped out a few of my sisters friends who where in difficult situation by helping them out financially, offering emotional support, and giving them a place to stay. Meanwhile I was struggling with trauma and my mental health and all she would do is is tell me how difficult of a child I was and had always been, tell me I was selfish and made everyone's lives worse, and would threaten to send me to military boot camp. It was so difficult to see how much support my mom could offer other people, just not her own child.
That’s my mum and more. A big wall of plaques commemorating her donations, planning a charitable foundation in her name, meanwhile all my classmates thought we were dirt poor because I wore only hand-me-downs. And if she didn’t get acclaim for something? God help the hindmost.
This is real and exactly like my mother in law! She can make ANYTHING about her and that SHE HELPED with whatever the project was. Heaven forbid you not talk about her endless work she does at church. she has to play the martyr no matter what the situation. Poor poor Harriet, feel sorry for her. And when you don’t feel sorry for her she gets so angry!! This is exactly her. Btw, I have been no contact for almost 2 years, the best decision I ever made
My sister. Exactly my sister. I remember her pestering me one time about how I'm not enough of a community giver and, when I told her what I did do to contribute, she said "Oh, that's just a way to pretend like you're helping and not actually solve the problem! You should actually get involved!". I had enough and I'm no contact now. She can sit in her self-righteous corner congratulating herself on how superior she is to me and everyone else without me.
I believe they do it for the attention because they know they are very abusive so they have to have that validation from the community to make up for their own BS like "o look I'm a good person look at me make me feel better because back at home I treat others like sh!t" my dad is that way even in a argument he will use "you can ask everyone they all like" me: yeah I guess so you don't treat them like crap! and what does everyone else have to do with this argument? that has nothing to do with it! Exactly they just love their false sense of validation they give themselves that I'm better title because I know how to play this game and make you look like the fool while I set it up to make it look like I'm the good one pff
@@four-x-trading5606 my mother she would do this with animals like feeding stray dogs but then recording it and also letting everyone know about it a million times to everyone even strangers that she feeds these random strays ..
My ex was like this, but it gets very tiring and toxic pretty quickly. He would get angry at me if I didn't come to him with every little thing. I'm pretty independent and capable of doing things around the house like hanging a picture or fixing the toilet. If I did these things by myself he would get upset and lecture me nonstop about how I should come to him for these things. He would also yell at and lecture his friends and family if they didn't go to him for help with their car, computer, etc. He was also a "counselor" (God help those people) and he would tell them to contact him first before they made any kind of decision. He basically wanted total control over people's lives.
I was actually looking forward to this - for me personally this is for sure the most excruciating one. To battle against this is quite hopeless and the flying monkeys are countless. It took me endless tormenting years to see through this game and i am still seeing enough people falling for the facade on a daily basis. I'm so grateful for real and kindhearted people like you, trying to make this world a better place, by educating and sharing your knowledge. Thank you for continuing this battle everyday - it would have saved me so much time and pain in my years of learning if videos like this would already have been available 👌🏻💖 I'm sure you're making a lot of lives a lot easier 🌈
It's painful to watch. Social media especially enables this. I've had over 40 jobs in my lifetime this level of narcissism has cost me jobs. Had barely started when an older more established coworker who was training me started complaining I was bothering her as she was trying to work- I sat quietly taking notes. The boss said I should read emotions better (both females) What? Went on Amazon bought mood charts for people in the office because I'm not a mind reader. It was a smear campaign a ploy. She was a communal narcissist that felt threatened. Broke my heart that job was important to me. It's different when these individuals can cost you income you livelihood. Very different than the high school type. They grow up to keep the same patterns. Wasn't at the job long. It's an epidemic an neverending battle.💞💌 Sending love your way. Her series would have helped so much all those years ago. Really is a no win situation. I'm not on social media no ex coworker or current can contact me unless I've given them my email or phone number. I use a Google number. You can find wonderful people in the workplace you can become friends with but, usually the only bond is that job so the relationship goes once you do. There are a few people I still talk to from previous jobs. The connection isn't from the job we just get along. No need to let people in your life who are toxic. Was in a long term abusive relationship why so many different jobs from.a narcissistic mother. I didn't know about narcissistic abuse there were no resources near me on trauma bonding none of it. All of us especially females should know this stuff. Sorry long ramble. Our emotional IQs grow from this. Little Shaman is another helpful channel perspective wise on narcissists being selective who you give your time to. Inner Integration is another good one. Together all 3 truly have helped.
Zesty Aqua I have come across a lot of incredibly selfish, nasty women in the workplace too, who feel threatened - I am there to do the work and be part of the team, not as a chess piece in their immature games. Looking back, I would like it if I had spent less time feeling confused and upset and just focussed on my own interests.
For me.. she save me in time 6 months into a friendship with a narc but the funny thing is he had ask me one day if i knew the difference between and a socio and a sphychopart so before the shit hit the fan i kinds knew what i was dealing with and now im am 💯 sure and certain i know what im dealing with
I second that sister! I wish I’d have been educated before I married, or at least before I had kids with the narcissist. Not that I don’t want or love my kids but my ex husband is making our lives hell, and we haven’t been together for ten years. I am so tired. I don’t know how I can keep living this nightmare.
@@elianaboer7593 Exact same here 👌🏻🙄 Contact can be on an absolute minimum, but the shitshow continues. The ridiculous bullshit problems and the made up drama is still part of our lives and everything but healthy. Sending some love and strength your way 🙌
And, as a family member who sees the truth, you'd better NEVER point out that truth to ANYONE. This is especially hard on the children of this type, because they are expected to keep up the appearance of perfection as well, lest the narc be viewed critically.
Sure, there are many people with this disorder. Think of many of our Celebrities and their causes. These people could raise money in their communities,quietly amongst themselves for disaster, cancer or other issues. Instead they turn to Telethons or the Internet begging working class Americans for praise and money. 🤷🏾♀️👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼❣
See Amber Heard, activist against domestic abuse. Her marriage to Johnny Depp ended due to her over the top aggression, emotional abuse, and physical violence using what psychologists call "weapons of opportunity" and even causing him serious injury. This was followed up by blatant lies that painted Depp as the primary abuser, including an op ed in the Washington Post (!), and behind-the-scenes threats to him that "nobody will believe you!" It appears she used makeup to fake bruises, too. Now I do hope they both get therapy. Depp, for all his creativity, intelligence and success, has some real issues getting into relationships like this (I won't judge, as I've done it too), among other things. But if there's a more dramatic and disgusting example of communal narcissism than an "activist" against domestic abuse, who chops off the end of her spouse's finger in a fit of rage, and doesn't seem to have taken ownership of or changed her behavior, I don't know what it is. Of course, with this kind of off-camera drama in Hollywood, everyone involved seems like a narcissist by default, and one has to ask what their OTHER issues are.
@@quasimobius Tax management, PR, narcissism, and deflecting attention away from their misdeeds... I mean the "rich and famous" crowd, not just people who have been successful in an honest business. 🙂
In a season at “a church” my communal narcissist was the saint and even though I was a pastor and her smearing campaigns and her divorce after 21 years almost killed me.... but 5 years later I’m “all good” hardest thing in my life ❤️
This was incredibly validating. I am almost in tears. At the end of my marriage, the colors really came through and our counselor was finally okay with saying he was a sociopathic narcissist, with a sexual addiction. Everything he did was about how “kind” and “good” he was. He hid behind faith but found his extreme need for validation in his addiction. When I finally had enough and left, the turmoil from others was so painful because they couldn’t see it, still don’t. His response to anything was always in bewilderment and made me feel like I was the crazy one, constantly questioning myself and truth. I let really had to move thousands of miles away to put space between him/community/family and our kids to protect all of our mental health. Every communication is about him and in the vain of “good co-parenting.” I’m so glad to hear his because I felt and experienced his narcissism but he didn’t quite fit the typical idea of one, making even harder to talk to others. Thank you for this and breaking the psychology of it down.
This is why I have left all social media and move in silence. If I do something charitable, I do it quietly and for a person/cause I cannot possibly gain anything from in return. That way, I know I am being authentic.
Oh Yes! Communal narcissists make me chuckle! We have a bunch of them around where I live (mostly animal rescue peeps)..not to mention social media. I've noticed they really , really want to be noticed, and it seems to take the upper-hand over what they actually did. When I first learned this term, I wondered if I was one, as I am one who naturally likes to help animals and people, and be in service to others... but I have never advertised it or posted anything ever, feeling good just knowing I helped an animal or made someone happy. Noticed that the communal narc will repost often until they get enough likes...they truly need that validation! Thank You Doctor Ramani, looking forward to next lesson!
I had a friend like this. She would organize events where the community would come together and bring unwanted items. It was mostly for homeless people, but you could also pick items you liked. Any-who at first I thought wow she’s amazing! She’s so nice and giving! She would thoroughly plan the event out. But then I started to notice she would miss treat the people close to her that helped her set up the event. She was so rude to her mom. Who by the way helped her a lot with the event and in her personal life financially. Then I noticed she was more concerned about posting on social media than actually getting to know the homeless people. She made it on the newspaper and started acting like a celebrity. Then I noticed that most of the people that would take items had a similar personality to hers. I stopped going. I hated being tagged in social media and I didn’t want to take pictures. I don’t speak to her anymore because I realized she wasn’t who I thought she was.
Dr., spot on. This was THEE biggest confusion for me with my ex n. He would do things for people all the time. What was confusing is he wouldn't do much for me, or he would blow off his son coming to see him to do a favor for a neighbor. He would happily babysit for his granddaughter saying "I " am babysitting. Then low and behold, I (me) would end up babysitting while he would be out doing favors for friends and neighbors. I was the last on his list. Ignored because he was so self involved with doing for others that would give him supply. He was also very quiet about getting the supply or acting out that he relied on it (covert), he knew that would expose him.
Yup! My husband was always too busy taking care of other people to take care of his family, especially his children. The weird thing is they will give away something to a neighbor as though it's no big deal but will berate you about how expensive that thing was. I'm now very wary of gift-give and people who are always starting over because it's often torture for those closest to them.
Yes my ex had many female friends with ‘problems’ that he needed to help them immediately, with while did not offer me the same level of support. In fact I had to wait several hours to be driven to doctors when I was sick one time.....
Oh my god. That's my aunt.. I've figured long ago she was narcissistic but didn't know the correct label. She always did things for people to make them OWE her gratitude. My mother described it as if you had to be thankful, almost forced mentally, for the eternity of the relationship. My aunt would even tell other people she did things for me she has never done in reality.. You are absolutely right, they are frustrating as hell. Thank you for that series 🙏 it's so educational and I love how easy it is to understand complex terms through your examples!
I once had a rommate who may have been a communal narc. She was well known in the community and did a lot of things for others. What happened is that when I moved in she had expectations of me, that I was also supposed to do what she did, have other people over, make meals, etc. What I sensed from that was in me doing so it was really a way to showcase her and make her look good, and had nothing to do with me. I was there just to make her look good. What that did was to breed resentment in me. When I did what she wanted, she would make backhanded comments about how I did/didn't do it "right." When I stopped doing what she wanted, things went south. I left that rommate relationship feeling confused and hurt. The whole thing was an awful experience and I had to put extreme distance between us. I'm so glad to be out of that. So, yes. I get what a communal narcissist is.
Lol you must have been roommates with an old friend of mine 😂 communal narcissist all the way, loves animals and is heavily involved in her church. Has had "problems" with roommates in the past...
P. D. I have felt burnt by more than one who seems a lovely friend - until you share a home with them and if every little detail is not done their way, it's a misery!
I was living with a roomate that had another guy roomate there he would totally ignore me and give me dirty looks but when my roomate was their he was all outgoing and smiling engaging in conversation and acknowledging me but then of coarse of I pass him alone here come me evil stare they always look at you like you did them something wrong just nuts
Thanks its very useful information. Especially the part about feeling like the whole world views this person as a saint, and that, if anyone has an issue with their actions, it must be them not the narcissist, as they are wonderful and help so many people. Its a very painful and confusing (gaslight-y) position to be placed in.
Good afternoon Dr. Ramani. In the Bible Matthew 6: 1-5 describes the communal narcissist. Thank you for the information. Initially I avoided being involved in ministries in church because of seeing how people were being treated. When I learned what and how my purpose in serving could help, it helped me to focus on the needs of others regardless of the emotionally charged environment I was in. Thank you for your information. It really helps. Also there is a book called "Ask Me Why I Am Not In Church an Anderson and Canty production, illustrates the impact of communal narcissism in a roundabout way.
Yup i have a family member like this she will always push herself to 'help' out whether it be family functions, community events anywhere really whether you asked or wanted her help or not....only to constantly remind you in the future of how much she does for everyone....how self less she is....not everyone can have a big heart like her. Meanwhile she is really an awful person who thinks she's better than everyone else. So toxic!!
Divorcing a narcissist is hell. I couldn’t have ever imagined that he would drive me to a nervous breakdown and make my life a living hell ten years after escaping him. They use your weaknesses against you and make you feel powerless. They turn your friends and family against you. I am hanging on by a thread. Sometimes I don’t know why I keep going bc I know this hell will never end. I am not this pathetic in my own nature. He just knows what buttons to press and how to re traumatize me over and over again. I need to listen more to these amazing and life saving videos bc I need to find my strength. I need to understand how to describe this abuse so ppl will believe me. God help us all, that are dealing with these demons that seek to destroy us. I wish there was a support group for us. Maybe there is....need to research. Much love to all out there suffering this way. We need each other bc most ppl don’t understand. And much much love and gratitude to Dr. Ramani. Saving so many ppl for feeling isolated and helpless.
You are a professional, classy & erudite life saver. You are in my TOP FIVE. Love your attention to details and studies. Aloha from Honolulu, Hawai''i.
Megan Markle popped up in my mind while listening to this. Always being photographed doing charity work and always directly looking at the camera. Also many others who were thought to be pillars of society for so long, then outed, like Bill Cosby. Also Gislaine Maxwell who for years did charity work for marine and ocean life.
Thank you for your time .You are helping me and a lot of people . Not on social media.Believe when you put yourself out to social media you lose your freedom of speach in some ways . Twitter, facebook Instagram. My mind and my words I keep to myself .Everyone's a critic .On here I speak still had to block a lady and report her to U tube .Cause i dont think like her .It strips you of your independence and everyone wants to go with the crowd .No time for it .Dr You have helped me so much .i suffer from PTSD and I'm a empath. Just trying to live a simple life .Thank you for your time have a blessed day
I had a boss who made quite a to-do about rescuing a puppy. Also she had a program going to a school teaching underprivileged kids to read. We had publicized fundraisers for this. ...there was a homeless man who spent cold nights sleeping on the porch of the business. She would call the police on him and get the secretary to shoo him away. One icy morning she sent the secretary out to send him away and she could not awaken the man. He was dead.
Wow my grandmother, her sister, and her sisters daughter are communal. Mother is malignant. Grandmother has a bit of covert too. I'm so glad this information exists. I can now understand part of my family dynamic and move on from it without the guilt. Thank you! I've been researching narcissists for the past year and it has really helped me understand it isn't my fault and I can heal while understanding the bigger picture.
Since You mentioned Mother Theresa. As I have read, Mother Theresa herself appears to have been quite a communal narcissist. She was extremely arrogant, impatient and mean up to the point of sadism, but only towards those close to her while either working with her or being "treated" or "councelled" by her . The hideous aspect above all is that she behaved unempathically and sadistically towards her so-called patients or clients by denying them palliative treatment and that way exploiting their religious beliefs only to benefit her own validation and power.
I volunteered to help someone film and photograph all of their volunteer "adventures" and it was a nightmare. I remember feeling so lucky at first to be able to travel and "make a difference" with this person, but things got bad very quickly. At first it was just annoying grandiose behavior like asking everyone what they did for a living before even asking them their names (including people in war torn communities or people who were physically disabled and unable to work), or wearing the most glamorous Hollywood outfits to go "clean stables" and talking to other volunteers and locals who were struggling to make ends meet about the "great sale" where they were able to get their jacket for ONLY $450... (which I had been in the tv industry long enough to be used to tolerating that behavior, so I ignored it) but then it started getting worse and I started seeing how they were abusive to their family and significant other. They always had a lapel mic on, and didn't know I could hear them talking and they would always talk down about me saying things like, "she's really adorable...she's so new to traveling and just super excited about everything, so just try to go with it...I know it's annoying and she's bossy, but she's actually pretty good at what she does so just let her have her little moment." (these comments would be after I would say something as simple as, "ok, you guys start walking ahead to the stables and I'll film you walking.") After years of this, I started feeling extreme shame for not being able to stand up to this person that I had worked with for so long. I even started believing that I was really hard to work with due to my "bossy commands." The ickiest part of all is we would go somewhere to volunteer, I would film this person petting an animal or reading to a child, and as soon as I "got everything I needed," they would promptly stand up and yell, "welp, I think we're good here! We hate to leave so soon but we have to go film more great causes!" Sometimes this person would literally only "volunteer" for a total of 15 minutes. i convinced myself that it would still encourage and inspire others to actually spend time volunteering, but I look back on everything and cringe. We would spend hours at tourist attractions or dinner, but less than an hour anywhere we "volunteered." If I ever suggested staying longer, they would grab their stomach and pretend to have cramps or an IBS "emergency." These emergencies never seemed to get in the way of anything "fun" though... I worked for free for this person for 7 years. I spent at least 20 hours a week, sometimes 60 hours, helping them with everything from web design to writing blog entries, to doing my actual career of filming and editing. Despite all of this, they would always subtly jab me, or compliment me in backhanded ways that truly hurt. When I finally told them I could no longer afford to spend any more time or money on their project (which was full of promises to SOMEDAY pay me everything I deserved), they became absolutely irate. Sending emails about how ungrateful and horrible I was to work with, and "how could you do this to me after everything I've done for you? You've seen the world because of ME!" (this person never could seem to remember that I was very well traveled before I even met them, but they'd always introduce me as "this is my videographer. It's her first time ever traveling!" All in all, this was one of the greatest lessons of my life. I don't regret anything, but if I ever found myself in the same situation again, I would regret if I hadn't learned anything from the experience. I wish it didn't take me 7 years, but at the same time, it was just 100% solid proof that narcissists will always try to destroy anyone who is unlucky enough to be in their lives in any capacity. It also showed me how codependent I was. I had deeply rooted fear that I wasn't good enough to do anything on my own, and the way this person treated me made those feelings 100x worse. But I've been able to work on that with a therapist and am slowly but surely regaining confidence in myself and my abilities.
I was dating someone who was doing amazing work feeding people in food deserts and other community support. He was great with people, especially when networking. It's a city in the NE and it seems like everyone knows him. The mayor, the people on the street, everyone, he has so many friends on FB he has to unfriend someone to add a friend. His Instagram is full of all the work he is doing for the community. There was something off though. I don't know if he is a communal narcissist or just really interested in managing his appearance. The work he does is amazing. He seems like he truly cares for his community (it is everything to him) but his interpersonal skills (when in private) were horrible. He was impatient, passive aggressive and emotionally unavailable. This video made me wonder if that is why I felt so conflicted having a relationship with him.
Please stay away from people who are constantly doing charity. These people will die if they didn’t have the upper hand in every thing. Remember that the people on his social media are his followers not friends. Trust your gut no matter what other people say.
@@carmelpereira6003 not all though my gf loves helping the homeless and giving to others she told me the ones who really care never have a phone in their hand whilst their giving.Her bday was recently and she decided to give away her party bags without letting her sis know who threw the surprise party for her to random people, I know in some article can't rem now that helping others releases dopamine she does have anxiety and was diagnosed with mild to moderate depression so that may be her dopamine release,and absolutely hates the spotlight.I believe those that do it quietly are the ones who are genuine
My Dad would take the family's food money, make grand donations to the church, and then yell at my Mother because the "damned children keep on crying that they're hungry!"
Its been almost more than a month we have been receiving your daily videos.Do we ever speak about good people so much?This itself is a proof of how dangerous these narcs are.We are glad to have you Ramani.
"Street angel, house devil," was a phrase my mom used a lot--of course it was always a comment bitterly aimed at others in her church and such but very much applied to her as well.
I immediately thought of Meghan Markle, though she has a slight overlap with qualities of the covert narcissist. She has that carefully polished veneer of a virtue-signaling do-gooder with the shade of the woe-is-me victimhood narrative.
A communal narcissist, however, may reason this way: “I deserve special treatment because I am extraordinarily warmhearted, trustworthy, and helpful; everyone feels at ease telling me all their problems.”
I got help from my ex. At the beginning of the relationship I felt sooo freaking lucky but I remember feeling uncomfortable then he started to wanted to control me and then gaslighting. I felt miserable when we broke up but now I feel sooo immensely lucky for opening my eyes. Thank you Dr. Ramani it is so refreshing to be able to pin point and almost dissecting that awful experience. Omg I hope I never have to through that ever again it was a nightmare.
This is my boss. The only reason I stay is because the cause we’re working for is so great and helps so many people. That part of the job is awesome. It’s hell working with her though
This is really interesting, my father a narc, long after I left home started volunteering for his local Community Transport (an organisation in Australia that helps elderly, disabled, etc get to medical appointments) and I heard people praising him for his kindness and generosity. Then one of them realised he didn't put any money into it and was just driving and was disappointed (this was my sister-in-law and she should have known he never gave a cent to anybody). Meanwhile if any of those passengers were 5 minutes late, he'd go and leave them with no means to get to their appointment. So instead of assisting these disadvantaged ones he added immeasurably to their stress.
I'm a survivor, on a way to thrive. 💪🏽 I know, If I can do it, you all can! 🔥 It might sound crazy, but I think that everyone that's a narcissist-magnet must come across a strong damaging narcissist, once in their lifetime. 🤔 The reason is: we have been so primed to take the abuse that it doesn't feel so, unless someone thrashes us left, right and centre. It's deeply agonizing, but a wake-up call. 🔔 Apart from getting healed from the abuse of one narcissist, we get trained in escaping such monsters in future. 🏋️ The universe has loads of energy for you, you need not depend on any sadist to derive it from. 🌞 More power to all the good people out there! 🌍 You CAN do it! 💜
Hi Dr Ramani, if you have the time, I could really really use some input. So I’m currently living with someone who I believe to be a communal narcissist possibly. He has become very involved in protests and marches and has started multiple social media accounts dedicated to spreading awareness and educating others. What he’s doing is good, and helpful and more than likely is making an impact. My concern is, he is doing this 24 hours a day, and whenever I ask for any time or attention, I mean even 5 minutes or even when we’re eating, and he gets really irritable and defensive and annoyed and starts blaming me and saying I’m abusive for wanting time with him and starts accusing me of trying to “take him away from the movement” when In reality I literally barely talk to him anymore cause he’s constantly on his phone, he’s very consumed and he has a holier than thou attitude all of a sudden so now whenever we discuss the topic, he will correct me and tell me I’m wrong or just straight up ignore my input when discussing about it. The posts he makes aren’t always about himself, however, he’s been putting himself out there in the media and then comes home and looks for pictures and posts them to the account and puts them on stories etc. then he listens to the videos he posts repeatedly. He has become very arrogant and egotistical and literally told me that what he’s doing online and etc matters more to him than I matter to him. He’s very insensitive and lacking in empathy... somehow is able to cry over strangers pain and suffering but then when I’m crying I get completely ignored. Literally completely ignores me. Has even put his headphones in. Not only that but he makes judgements and comments behind closed doors that I guarantee if anyone in “the movement” heard they would not want to continue working with him. It’s hypocritical. I was wondering if you have any input into whether this could be a communal narcissist or if it sounds like it to you? It’s just the way that he is treating me in conjunction with the good he’s doing... there are many double standards... I’m not given as much time and attention or even kindness as the people out there in the community and online. It seems really obsessive on his part but I’m just not sure. Thanks so much. 🙏🙏🙏
I knew a narcissist who repeatedly offered to do "favors" but only of HIS choosing, not what people wanted or needed! In fact, I refused some, saying I absolutely did not want them, didn't want those things done at all- and he did it anyway! Then expected thanks, and paybacks! For things that inconvenienced me and I had refused!
I'm really hoping she does a special bonus on narcissism in the Church. I feel like so many of these blend into that odd community.
I asked this question yesterday. Wow
I agree with you!
Yep my ex narc was an "evangelist" just to get attention.
I agree, they blend in a fashion similar to white on rice making it difficult to tell who they are until the slander campaign begins.
My challenge is to forgive and not allow them to live rent free in my head. Knowing that I want my life to reflect the love of Jesus is what helps me to stay focused.
You are so right. Especially covering up sexual abuse in the Catholic church then still supporting that abuse with donations. Prime example.
My mother in law would offer immense amounts of help. If I didn’t accept the help, she would get angry. It was the strangest thing I’d ever encountered. But then I would feel forced to let her help me, she would, and then she would use it against me later. No contact for over 4 years and it’s been the best thing I ever did.
My mum is like this somewhat. She is always trying to help me by forcing things upon me. Then if I make the mistake of taking her help, she will use it as an excuse to tell me why I suck. When I say anything to family they say 'she's only trying to help'. She likes being the victim so she doesn't go out to charity events. But she will give people stuff and then be like 'they'd be nothing without my help'
My ex was the same way, they want the praise and attention that comes with their help and they also want to control every aspect of your life. It's for the best that you cut contact.
My Dad does this to. Or he'll buy me things that he thinks I "need" as if I'm not a financially stable adult who can buy it myself.
I made a passive comment about how I liked sticky rice (A Lao dish) and the next time I saw him he "gifted" me with this elaborate set up to make my own sticky rice at home. It's sitting in my closet and has literally NEVER been fucking used because I didn't actually want or ask for it.
You just described the Mom character on "Everybody Loves Raymond". It's like watching my sick family.
Mothers in law are so evil. You should see how evil mine is. No contact for over 2 years and half after I separated from my narcissistic husband 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 and it’s been such a relief to get rid of her fake face.
empaths always put themselves last. Narcissists always put themselves first above anyone. The combination is destructive and explosive.
Well said, they're too dumb to see such a good person, you really can't educate them!
Emily Conway, this is very very true
Fermented sailor. Something smells fishy here. Empath is a condition as is narcissism and between the two, I’ll take the empath any day. You have no idea if this woman is unlearning old patterns or not. Only thing foolish is your comment.
*Unempowered empaths put themselves last.
Abigail Strain great caveat
Ooooh i used to work in the non-profit sector. Those places were FULL of these communal narcissists! I was a young fresh graduate & idealistic and genuinely thought everyone in these circles must be angels who just want to make the world a better place. I've wised up since. Self-serving & career-driven rather than good Samaritans.
The spiritual community is also a place to find this type. Thank you, Doctor!! 💜💜
YES!
Omg so true.. i thought the same way when i joined a non profit, in hope to find a conducive environment to grow.. i thought people in NGOs must be honest, have high integrity and passion to serve but turns out they are just as toxic as those dreaded office coworkers, those mean drama driven highschoolers... I think they chose to be in the NGO cuz they serve vulnerable segment of people.. people that they definitely have some sort of power over.. it's sad and sickening at the same time.
@@louannblocker4341 I'm sorry to hear that, it is traumatizing working under Narcissists. That happened to me when I was younger and didn't know about Narcissism. I was nearly fired for no reason and was constantly micromanaged. They even had two pages of lies and said if I don't drastically improve they will fire me. I was so hurt and confused and was literally in tears. I already had another job lined up though because I saw the writing on the wall. They did the same thing to another girl there and when she left, they did it to me. After I left they just continued this way with every new person that came in. They really got off on it. But it left me with some work related PTSD. I constantly feared being fired over nothing. I still struggle with that fear to this day.
So true. And true in unpaid causes as well. Both can burn through so many good people, leaving them cynical and hurting and unsure how to serve the issues they care about. While these narcissists stay in power, acting like it is so hard to find people who really care to help in the work
Some real horror shows I encountered were volunteering in social justice. For years the woman who ran one was always in a wheel chair, (I had assumed it was for a real reason and not a prop), and she always demanded odd meals "for the poor" which were exactly what she wanted,; she got skilled people to do work for nothing ALL the time for her private residence. When I found out the wheel chair was a prop, that I had invested so much time for nothing, argued about the health of the meals (didn't realize she just wanted what she wanted and the health of the homeless was not relevant), I became and remain skeptical of Christians and SJWs.
I have been waiting for this subtype of narcissists. This is the most frustrating of all because NOBODY BELIEVES ME. “But he’s a teacher who gives his students special opportunities, a first responder who attends extra trainings, a dispatcher, a church goer who assists with communion, volunteers to make filling at Thanksgiving and coordinate organ repairs. He works two full time jobs while going to grad school...” and the list goes on. It’s not empathy. It’s a shield to deflect ANYone who might come close to sniffing out his true character. He’ll do special things for his students, but only when they make HIM look good. He’d take his grandmother to church, but then ask someone else to take her home (usually me) because he had to hit the gym right after. I think the most disgusting bit of this for me is that I truly believed we took our shared faith seriously. Yet he had NO problem cheating on me with a married woman, a mother, and still gives people the blood of Christ as a communion assistant, all the while knowing he continues to break one of the Ten Commandments over and over. It makes me sick every time I think about it. Best diet ever.
Oh, I hear you, and I believe you. I was raised by a communal narcissist. One of the most frustrating things about it is that everyone around you thinks this person walks on water. The only reason it looks like that is that they are standing on the submerged heads of their family members.
Seen a lot of hypocrisy in churches. I prefer to spend my time and energy and thoughts elsewhere.
I know what you mean fake people - wolves in sheep's clothing. Church is a perfect spot for these predators to hide.
All narcs come home, drop their mask and take all their daily grudges on their near & dear.
Truth.
Yes, they do, and it is miserable. So glad I am finally free of all of that after living in that hell since birth.
Yeah my sister is a nurse and always shows off her thank you notes from her patients but she is super mean to my mom and me
@@raqdl 0h boy, glad you're wise to her... Idk, in my experience nurses are very kind but can also be shockingly cold blooded.
My mother
Communal narcissists are big in the church . My adopted family were big in the church yet collectively they treated me like a slave/criminal.
Communal narcissists hate REAL empathy , joy, laugher, love and compassion . It irks them to their core.
Yes I know. It works both ways. For example I saw that during the following episode during a Canadian style satire/farce episode making fun of all widows left behind with assets[No matter how many children and grandchildren she already has and no matter how much she is being generous and helpful as sponsor to one family after another from overseas. Like the nice retired widowed nurse with 20 some grandchildren who while housing people from another nation was willing to drive me to church once a week too ] Of course the producers of that show called "This Hour HAs 22 Minutes" would never dare do a similar one about rich widowers instead or about 'marriage' fraudster gulag gangs who are still getting away with that one right after another for the whole marketable life of their human trafficked victims too because that might be too risky to their T.V. station building. ruclips.net/video/Koz1qpT4Oqs/видео.html
Yup
They HATE seeing people with PURE JOY!! They get so mad when they see your SMILE. I experienced this in my church. crazy smh
Definitely something to look out for if you're in a church setting
Yes!! Many of these tend to have a “white saviour complex” where their need to feel superior to others is disguised in charitable work and helping others. It really frustrated me because from the outside they appear to be seemingly good and moral people but deep down they’re only helping others for their own personal gain
Someone once told me ‘street angel, house devil’.
Yep. Lived that for too long. And the neighbors still think he's an angel.
Well said... And so true!!
💯👏🏼
@@kyliekellsdickson4065 that sounds just like my neighbor and ex-friend. Someone pointed out to me that she is a narcissist and at first I couldn’t believe it. But after researching a bit I realized they were right: she is a narcissist. A communal one. Everyone else in the neighborhood thinks she’s the perfect angel (which is exactly what she wants). But now I know better.
Omg I LOVE that!!!!
This is why I've removed myself from social media entirely. I just couldn't stand watching people pretend all the time... On a CONSTANT search for validation. This whole "holier-than-thou" mentality is sickening. "I have more likes and followers... What do you have?" A healthy sense of self! How'd ya like them apples😉
Ditto !
During Covid lockdown I caved in and opened a Facebook account hoping to reach out to people. I was enthused for about 24 hours. Then I realized how aggrandizing people were. "Oh you are the BEST" "No, YOU are!" "No, YOU are!....." Gushing about each other's mundane snapshots. People used to groan when someone brought out family photos. It was not cool to bore people with them. Now the code is "I'll gush about you, if you gush about me!!!"
Agree !!!!! 100 percent!!!!!!!
Yes! Social media is filled with this
I've deleted everything as well including LinkedIn lol only RUclips is left. I couldn't stand it either. Plus narcissists use it to monitor you.
My Mother Is a communal narcissist, when I was a kid growing up ,being Greek and going to so many social events, church, christenings, name day parties funerals etc, people would come up and tell me how sweet and kind my dear mother was, and its true she is so amazing 👏
"To everyone else! as soon as were in the car or at home, oh my goodness, a completely different person would come out.
Being a kid it was confusing, maybe it was me that was bad
All grown-up now
Mum is even nicer than she was, volunteering at nursing homes, fund raising even generously donating her own money out to the sick and needy
But alas to her own family
I'm not even going there
But now I understand
Same
Everyone on our street thought my husband was the nicest guy ever! When it snowed he would shovel everyone's driveway (if they were female). He would go door to door of any females and ask if they needed help. He would spend all day working on our neighbour's car. Meanwhile, I had to be at work early. My car would not start. I asked him to help me He would not drive me to work because he had hitched the boat to his truck, and he was going fishing. I asked him to at least wait until a tow truck came. He wanted to give me money for a cab, and leave me. When I asked him why he was so much nicer to the neighbours, he told me "Because I already GOT you". It's like I was merchandise....
Wtf!
I know this feeling too well. What a piece of shit.
I really think these people are people who deserve the rude shock of someone leaving them.
Linda, I hope you said, “not for long”
I can relate
It hurt me to read this. I'm sorry this was your experience.
"Their do-gooding makes them look good." That's it in a nutshell! It's still the "Look at ME!" aspect of narcissism. It's pervasive in volunteer organizations, churches, and anywhere a C.N. gets validation from a group. Looking forward to Part 2!
Perhaps this is the hidden wisdom in Jesus teaching "when you give do so in secret"
I guess communal narcissists would want a family as part of their image - they want a spouse not because they are interested in a spouse but because they can tell the world that they are married, and the "married" status only adds a bonus to their public image.
True, because once they have their big fancy wedding, they do NOTHING to sustain the marriage and blame their partner for everything that goes wrong in their lives afterwards.
When my spouse ran off for the weekend with old supply she told me “for you our marriage was about love, for me it was a production. ☹️Yes, all a show... and what a final act. As one of my friends said, “there’s a special place in hell for people like this”. I don’t know, they seem to be living in hell here...
true
Yep you're describing my sister who destroyed her husband and turned his kids against him...yet denies any problems are happening in her marrige while her husband is addicted to drugs and wanting to die...they slowly suck the life out of people.You see couples and one looks healthy the other drained...bingo narcissistic abuse.
Surely 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
The "Twin Flame" people. I've been trying to shift the dialogue to narcissism awareness and I get so much pushback in that realm. They're the humble humanitarian raising the energy vibe and simultaneously throw shade at each other. One of those self styled gurus called me, asked why I don't do as much charity and fundraising as she does. (I do, I just don't talk about it.) Another person lost a loved one and BEFORE 24 HRS WAS EVEN UP they made a Facebook page and posted their "illness journey" with the deceased, backing in the sympathy extraction. It's so sick..
Yes, yes, yes. I was married to a communal or altruist narcissist for 35 years. He would leap to help so many in the community and then would treat me like junk in private. He also had a tendency to "rescue" emotionally needy women by having emotional affairs and finally a sexual affair. Of course, many do not believe such a nice guy would do this. Thankfully, I have turned inward to heal myself and I am moving on. Thank you Dr. Ramani for defining some of these hard to recognize narcissists!
I have a sister that is very giving. She likes to give away other people’s things without permission and then ask for praise. Once someone receives help from her they are constantly reminded of it. She likes to think of herself as Robin Hood. Taking from the rich and giving to the poor to feed her ego. I can’t count the number of things that were taken from me and gifted to someone who needed them more. Appliances, furniture, inheritance, money etc. all her giving has to have fanfare. Nothing is given without public announcement either by social media or word of mouth.
i had a coworker who would always spend time with damn near everyone at our job outside of work. whenever she has a party she invites everyone. she follows everyone on social media. she would refer to all of them as her friends. whenever they had a problem she would listen to them. she would constantly say she is so nice and humble.
on the flip side she would tell me that none of our coworkers are her real friends and she would talk shit about a lot of them. she did things that were manipulative af like lying about how her friend died to get off of work. she stopped talking to me after i quit. i always had a feeling she was a narcissist, but thought it was impossible for someone who is so “nice” to be one. after watching this video i have realized she is just a communal narcissist. she is “nice” to everyone because it makes her look good and get perks at work. if i told anyone what she says about them behind their backs they would not believe me.
Same here! I had a co-worker who was independently wealthy, but she wanted to work so that she had something to talk about at cocktail parties. 😂
She would take young colleagues under her wing and start by offering the shirt off of her back. She would invite them to her comfortable home, loan them her extra luxury car if their little starter car broke down etc. the price of her kindness was literally your SOUL, privacy, and self respect. She dogged out every “friend” she ever “helped”. Up close, she’s a miserable woman.
Ah yes, the gossiper. The fake friend. The benign narcissist.
Nah, they'd believe you because she's telling them the same stuff about you and everyone else.
Have a neighbor like this .. I dropped her like bad habit , she knew every bodies dirty secrets .. I mean dirty . If they do it to them they’ll do it too you 🤬
Yep, it's more common than you think. This is why I don't make friends at work. I talk to them and am friendly, but nothing too personal. I learned the hard way not to trust my coworkers.
There’s so little out there about communal narcissism, I would love to hear more about how to deal with narcissists who are violent when enraged but good at appearing empathetic when others are watching.
I am reminded of the great Jewish scholar Maimonides, who invented the following ladder of giving. Each rung up represents a higher degree of virtue:
1. The lowest: Giving begrudgingly and making the recipient feel disgraced or embarrassed.
2. Giving cheerfully but giving too little.
3. Giving cheerfully and adequately but only after being asked.
4. Giving before being asked.
5. Giving when you do not know who is the individual benefiting, but the recipient knows your identity.
6. Giving when you know who is the individual benefiting, but the recipient does not know your identity.
7. Giving when neither the donor nor the recipient is aware of the other's identity.
8. The Highest: Giving money, a loan, your time or whatever else it takes to enable an individual to be self-reliant.
Thank you!
Awesome
Love this concept. Very true
Self-reliant: bingo! Narcissism is all about trying to make people dependent of you, unable to admit that you are the one who is fully dependent of everyone else to have any semblance of self-esteem.
People who want you to be self-reliant are usually good people.
Wow. Just turned 40 and here I am hearing this for the first time. My mother is this narc! Mind blown.
The churches and nonprofits are full of these kind of people- a lot of them won't even say "hello" to you unless you're member of their inner circle.
That part!
I have learned through experience that after a Narcissist do their "Good Deed" there is always a wrath of rage for someone to suffer. These ppl are a bottomless pit of unsatisfaction.
Yep a lot of church folks. The right way to do it is without expecting anything back. To do it just from the pure generosity from your heart. I knew a woman who was very involved in her church, and the only reason she went there was to make rich friends, connections, have people work on her house and on her car for free, and also used the church as a character alibi. She tried to make people feel guilty and obligated to always return the favor to her. She had a rotten, mean disposition; talked about people behind their backs a lot. She was not a Christian. You nailed it, Dr. Ramani. This was like a love letter to me. Me and my family have been hurt by people like this. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Some parts were really funny too bc it was so spot on (the pursed lips)!
Communal narcissism is one of the most interesting subjects I've discovered in ages. So fascinating.
*No one:*
*Narc: I'm doing all this for you*
and in the end whatever they did only benefits them #Frauds
Infinite Vision they use it against you later on.
Promote their version of reality against any other version of reality. Which is, of course, the only possible right and good reality. Even when their reality harms others through omission or ignorance.
@Ocean Flower or they try to take all the credit for everyone else's work.
Isn’t it crazy I remember going to a job and this dude I barely know told me that as we are all working the SAME job doing the SAME thing smh I’m like is he serious?? Who even is this dude think he is??
Everything everyone does has mixed motivations, both altruistic and self serving. I define a communal narcissist as someone who gets their narcissistic SUPPLY from their charitable actions. One of the most insidious types is the helping professional (sometimes a psychotherapist) who gets to look like such an empathetic and wonderful person (they can act empathetic when they want to!) and then does untold damage behind closed doors.
There is nothing more validating than understanding who you are as an individual. Once you are able to understand your true self you will never need an outside source for self validation because you understand your self worth and you have true inner peace. Seeking validation from an outside source is a sign that you lack self awareness. Sending out much love to all the people that have concurred their inner demons and evolved to a higher self. Sending out a silent prayer for all those that are lost in their denial of rationalization.
wow!! i came to realize this the hard way!
@@GUURL101 Most of us do. But some never realize it at all. Consider yourself lucky to have realized it and evolve to the best you can be moving forward.
This describes the last Narc person I walked away from. When you see through them they refuse to accept that you are not the one with the problem because they are working so hard and you just won't cooperate anymore. They try to force you into a relationship of their making and when you set boundaries they get ticked off. Yeah, they are not worth unmasking because nobody will believe you anyway. You just quietly walk away and find that you would so lover to help but you now are just too "busy" with your own cause and its just as good of a cause as the other one. You just can't do everything. Its hard to find fault when someone is working hard at another worthwhile cause.
Most politicians, especially "career politicians", fit this exactly.
Now if we could get the general population to not just "know" this, but actually realize and accept, we may actually be able to make a difference in this world. Even at this late hour. The narcissistic dynamic applies to politicians and beyond. None of our institutions are legitimate, they're all a sham, an Orwellian doublespeak. Everyone is lying, delusional, or cowering.
The biggest enemy is not any given politician, nor even necessarily the central bankers and "shadow government". It's the medical and public health system. FDA, CDC, ADA. They all need to be destroyed. AAP, AMA, et al need to be ignored as hucksters and frauds, and all the garbage they've propagated and perpetuated over the years, discarded. Starting with water fluoridation.
Totally.
I disagree with that. There are politicians, and they aren't even rare, who will make unpopular decisions and explicitly say "Sorry, I know you guys don't like it, but it's my job to do what needs to be done. Go ahead and hate me if you want." And these same people will not be very comfortable when others want to throw them a party to celebrate them as a person, because as far as they are concerned, they are only doing their job. Yeah, I know, most of them eventually get corrupted, but it still doesn't make them narcissists. You'd have to be on the inside to see how the corruption really happens, it's almost like they are not given the choice. The brave few who fight it end up sacrificing everything else for their integrity and to be able to serve as they intended.
But yeah, politics do tend to attract narcissistic types more than many other fields.
THIS....I began attending a yoga studio run by one of these people. I couldn't understand why I always left there either angry or upset until I learned (from you) about communal narcissism. Once I saw it, I quit the studio. Now I practice yoga with Adrienne right here on youtube. She's delightful and now I am reaping the benefits of yoga minus the bullshit. I'm so thankful for your insights, Dr. Ramani!!!!
Wow and the video only came out 46 minutes ago! So amazing! I'm inspired by your strength, willpower, and ability to recognize your self worth! Keep it up!
Edit: And I just realized your comment is 30-something minutes old! So you did that within 10 to 15 minutes. Amazing. Simply amazing. You're an inspiration! I hope one day I'm as strong as you are. You give all of us here hope. You should start your own RUclips channel.
@@andrewcapps5175 Being facetious doesn't prove anything other than grandstanding your own disdain.
@@andrewcapps5175
Wow! To be so facetious, passive aggressive and sarcastic all in one sentence takes a lot of hurt.
Be kind to others, and that'll help your self hatred.
@@andrewcapps5175 This is not her first video mentioning communal narcissism smart ass
As to Andrew Capps' comment, it just makes no sense to me, so it's one of those I just pass over
Okay, now finally I know which kind of narcissist I worked for. I knew she was a narcissist because of her extreme sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, grandiosity, emptiness, fakeness, etc. etc. but she didn't fit with Grandiose, Vulnerable/Covert, or other types of narcs. Communal narc TOTALLY fits! She was my boss and she started and ran an environmental non-profit and she made life hell for those of us who worked for the organization who ACTUALLY cared about our mission. For example, we were growing and needed to move to a new location with more space and we found a great piece of property but there was a very large oak tree that blocked where we would need to put a parking area. She had no qualms about cutting down that massive beautiful oak tree but the staff rose in mutiny and stopped her! Thank God! It was an environmental nonprofit for God's sake but she didn't give a damn about that beautiful tree that was home to so many creatures and provided shade in our hot southern town and was a beauty to behold.
The org had a wonderful mission and the new employees were always so thrilled to be hired but then they would soon realize she was crazy and they would leave. We would have over 40% turnover every year due to her emotional and verbal abuse of us and yet the Board and the community thought she was just GREAT! The Board were her flying monkeys and it made me sick. I knew some of them personally and one or two of them seemed to have a sense that something was very wrong but I guess they felt there was nothing they could do about it because the narcissist was the one who started the organization and she would not have left.
Mother Theresa was the Archetype of this kind of Narcissism!
My father was a (Christian) parish minister for the first 16 years of my life and then became a counselor at a community college until his retirement. Everyone outside the family thought he was just WONDERFUL. My mother, my brothers, and I had a very different experience of him--especially my mother and me. He has been dead for 10 years, and it still amazes me how many people he managed to fool. It used to bother me that he got away with it so completely, but I have finally been able to let that go.
Altruistic narcissism!!
My ex was this as well.
He was pretty much EVERY type of narcissistic toxic type. It just depended on the day or hour or minute.
Never a dull moment! Must’ve been a huge headache
This makes me think of church. There are some people that LOVED to be so holier than thou and self satisfied
I met someone like this and it was interesting to see how someone so outwardly focused could simultaneously be so selfish and unempathetic. Someone who wants to be a politician for the prestige of being in a position of influence, while being completely uninterested in the perspectives of his constituents.
Oh, my. After my session this morning with my psychologist (who is a big fan of yours!) and talking about how I had to leave a volunteering position and giving her details, she told me to look up Communal Narcissists. Mind blown! My veteran husband passed away last year, and this great opportunity arose where I could volunteer at a start-up, free thrift store for veterans and active duty military, fully funded by donations. My heart was so in it! I bonded with so many people. Sat and just listened to them, laughed and thoroughly enjoyed the interactions. Well, during this time, I saw quite few red flags on how this founder was treating us volunteers, especially her sweet sister who is on the spectrum and high functioning. I had a private conversation with her about it, and she chalked it up to being stressed, not feeling well, yada yada and apologized. Yet it persisted. Always an excuse. It came to a head last week when she was just downright condescending and verbally abusive. Although it sucked, I said hasta la vista. No thank you, ma'am. Watching this video and seeing that she exhibited every.single.behavior was eye opening. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I now have a name for the kind of people I've always suspected of "doing good" simply to leave behind a great obituary.
When you practice an act of kindness you should keep it to yourself, otherwise it loses it's meaning.
An act of kindness does good to your soul and you have no need to announce it...
Clicked on this immediately. 🙂👍
I have a mom like this.
I like to do things for people too, but it boggles my mind how you have to let the world know about it. That's kind of embarrassing. No one has to know except you and your benefactors. If they speak of your generosity, it's nice, but it's not required.
My ex, a single narcissist who has multiple Instagram and Facebook accounts, adopted a puppy a couple years ago, and almost immediately, that dog was spending 5 days a week in "doggy day care". It appears as though the dog and all of the selfies posted with it, haven't garnered the attention and validation needed, because I found out that very recently, she adopted a child. My first reaction is that she just purchased a living, breathing, human validation machine. I have grave concerns for this child and their future.
Narcicists can't raise children. I feel so bad for that kid.
GetWellSoon I don't know which country you live in, but where I live 18 is the age of adulthood and as for me, I went to university in a different area so had a reason to go. From that point forward, I supported myself. Luckily at the time, there was a student allowance that was enough for a shared rental in a scruffy house and very basic food. Thereafter I supported myself with working.
In many countries, there are some kind of community services (local government) where you can ask for advice or help. Various other places can offer advice possibly - libraries with brochures, state or national government agencies, domestic violence services, phone counselling services. Or friends or friends' families.
You just have to be careful to not get in with a bad crowd, and have a bit of motivation and intelligence to take care of yourself.
@@iWANDER262Staying with a narcissistic parent is toxic,it wears you down,etc. Since you want to leave your 'dad's place",be sure to have copies of your birth certificate and social security card, so you will have that to apply for a state i.d. car/drivers' license.With the drivers license and social security card,you can apply for a job-restaurants are hiring.You could also work in the summer resorts-some have low cost housing,and you could do some networking of other jobs in the area...just some ideas
www.coolworks.com jobs in resorts
We need to start calling people out this is insane how mean and cruel they are.
It took me decades to understand that THIS IS my mother & her sister, who do so much for everybody, all of the time. It was so hard to see that it was more about validating themselves, rather than helping others. And nobody was wise to the anxiety & paranoia underneath it all. They still don't see it, but I'm done living to validate them & make them feel ok. I've nearly died from the emotional trauma & the long term stress on my body. I had to go no contact for a bit & now have some contact but with much stronger boundaries which, if not respected, will mean no contact again. It's going ok, but isn't easy. For sure.
U have summed Up Megan Markle perfectly
Everyone loves my mom. She'd volunteer, donate, and she helped out a few of my sisters friends who where in difficult situation by helping them out financially, offering emotional support, and giving them a place to stay. Meanwhile I was struggling with trauma and my mental health and all she would do is is tell me how difficult of a child I was and had always been, tell me I was selfish and made everyone's lives worse, and would threaten to send me to military boot camp. It was so difficult to see how much support my mom could offer other people, just not her own child.
That’s my mum and more. A big wall of plaques commemorating her donations, planning a charitable foundation in her name, meanwhile all my classmates thought we were dirt poor because I wore only hand-me-downs. And if she didn’t get acclaim for something? God help the hindmost.
This is real and exactly like my mother in law! She can make ANYTHING about her and that SHE HELPED with whatever the project was. Heaven forbid you not talk about her endless work she does at church. she has to play the martyr no matter what the situation. Poor poor Harriet, feel sorry for her. And when you don’t feel sorry for her she gets so angry!! This is exactly her. Btw, I have been no contact for almost 2 years, the best decision I ever made
Yes! I didn’t realize hero and communal narcissism was the same thing.
My sister. Exactly my sister.
I remember her pestering me one time about how I'm not enough of a community giver and, when I told her what I did do to contribute, she said "Oh, that's just a way to pretend like you're helping and not actually solve the problem! You should actually get involved!".
I had enough and I'm no contact now. She can sit in her self-righteous corner congratulating herself on how superior she is to me and everyone else without me.
I believe they do it for the attention because they know they are very abusive so they have to have that validation from the community to make up for their own BS like "o look I'm a good person look at me make me feel better because back at home I treat others like sh!t" my dad is that way even in a argument he will use "you can ask everyone they all like" me: yeah I guess so you don't treat them like crap! and what does everyone else have to do with this argument? that has nothing to do with it! Exactly they just love their false sense of validation they give themselves that I'm better title because I know how to play this game and make you look like the fool while I set it up to make it look like I'm the good one pff
So horrible and entitled. 😮
@@four-x-trading5606 my mother she would do this with animals like feeding stray dogs but then recording it and also letting everyone know about it a million times to everyone even strangers that she feeds these random strays ..
My ex was like this, but it gets very tiring and toxic pretty quickly. He would get angry at me if I didn't come to him with every little thing. I'm pretty independent and capable of doing things around the house like hanging a picture or fixing the toilet. If I did these things by myself he would get upset and lecture me nonstop about how I should come to him for these things. He would also yell at and lecture his friends and family if they didn't go to him for help with their car, computer, etc. He was also a "counselor" (God help those people) and he would tell them to contact him first before they made any kind of decision. He basically wanted total control over people's lives.
sounds like my recent ex
I was actually looking forward to this - for me personally this is for sure the most excruciating one. To battle against this is quite hopeless and the flying monkeys are countless. It took me endless tormenting years to see through this game and i am still seeing enough people falling for the facade on a daily basis. I'm so grateful for real and kindhearted people like you, trying to make this world a better place, by educating and sharing your knowledge. Thank you for continuing this battle everyday - it would have saved me so much time and pain in my years of learning if videos like this would already have been available 👌🏻💖 I'm sure you're making a lot of lives a lot easier 🌈
It's painful to watch. Social media especially enables this.
I've had over 40 jobs in my lifetime this level of narcissism has cost me jobs. Had barely started when an older more established coworker who was training me started complaining I was bothering her as she was trying to work- I sat quietly taking notes. The boss said I should read emotions better (both females) What? Went on Amazon bought mood charts for people in the office because I'm not a mind reader.
It was a smear campaign a ploy. She was a communal narcissist that felt threatened. Broke my heart that job was important to me. It's different when these individuals can cost you income you livelihood. Very different than the high school type. They grow up to keep the same patterns. Wasn't at the job long. It's an epidemic an neverending battle.💞💌
Sending love your way. Her series would have helped so much all those years ago. Really is a no win situation. I'm not on social media no ex coworker or current can contact me unless I've given them my email or phone number. I use a Google number. You can find wonderful people in the workplace you can become friends with but, usually the only bond is that job so the relationship goes once you do.
There are a few people I still talk to from previous jobs. The connection isn't from the job we just get along. No need to let people in your life who are toxic. Was in a long term abusive relationship why so many different jobs from.a narcissistic mother. I didn't know about narcissistic abuse there were no resources near me on trauma bonding none of it. All of us especially females should know this stuff.
Sorry long ramble. Our emotional IQs grow from this. Little Shaman is another helpful channel perspective wise on narcissists being selective who you give your time to. Inner Integration is another good one. Together all 3 truly have helped.
Zesty Aqua I have come across a lot of incredibly selfish, nasty women in the workplace too, who feel threatened - I am there to do the work and be part of the team, not as a chess piece in their immature games. Looking back, I would like it if I had spent less time feeling confused and upset and just focussed on my own interests.
For me.. she save me in time 6 months into a friendship with a narc but the funny thing is he had ask me one day if i knew the difference between and a socio and a sphychopart so before the shit hit the fan i kinds knew what i was dealing with and now im am 💯 sure and certain i know what im dealing with
I second that sister! I wish I’d have been educated before I married, or at least before I had kids with the narcissist. Not that I don’t want or love my kids but my ex husband is making our lives hell, and we haven’t been together for ten years. I am so tired. I don’t know how I can keep living this nightmare.
@@elianaboer7593 Exact same here 👌🏻🙄
Contact can be on an absolute minimum, but the shitshow continues. The ridiculous bullshit problems and the made up drama is still part of our lives and everything but healthy. Sending some love and strength your way 🙌
And, as a family member who sees the truth, you'd better NEVER point out that truth to ANYONE.
This is especially hard on the children of this type, because they are expected to keep up the appearance of perfection as well, lest the narc be viewed critically.
MY MOM!! 😳 it’s wild finding answers I wasn’t expecting. 🥰
Sure, there are many people with this disorder. Think of many of our Celebrities and their causes. These people could raise money in their communities,quietly amongst themselves for disaster, cancer or other issues. Instead they turn to Telethons or the Internet begging working class Americans for praise and money. 🤷🏾♀️👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼❣
It's for tax purposes when the wealthy celebrities do it, and free publicity. They're killing two birds with one stone.
See Amber Heard, activist against domestic abuse. Her marriage to Johnny Depp ended due to her over the top aggression, emotional abuse, and physical violence using what psychologists call "weapons of opportunity" and even causing him serious injury.
This was followed up by blatant lies that painted Depp as the primary abuser, including an op ed in the Washington Post (!), and behind-the-scenes threats to him that "nobody will believe you!" It appears she used makeup to fake bruises, too.
Now I do hope they both get therapy. Depp, for all his creativity, intelligence and success, has some real issues getting into relationships like this (I won't judge, as I've done it too), among other things.
But if there's a more dramatic and disgusting example of communal narcissism than an "activist" against domestic abuse, who chops off the end of her spouse's finger in a fit of rage, and doesn't seem to have taken ownership of or changed her behavior, I don't know what it is.
Of course, with this kind of off-camera drama in Hollywood, everyone involved seems like a narcissist by default, and one has to ask what their OTHER issues are.
@@quasimobius Tax management, PR, narcissism, and deflecting attention away from their misdeeds...
I mean the "rich and famous" crowd, not just people who have been successful in an honest business. 🙂
Don't forget that they'll also see fit to tell you how to live your life
Then they use the money raised for 5 star hotels/restaurants and first class flying or private jets.
Mandy Moore’s character in the movie “Saved” is a good example of the communal narcissist. Thanks for your work and wisdom, Dr. Ramani 🦋✨
In a season at “a church” my communal narcissist was the saint and even though I was a pastor and her smearing campaigns and her divorce after 21 years almost killed me.... but 5 years later I’m “all good” hardest thing in my life ❤️
This was incredibly validating. I am almost in tears. At the end of my marriage, the colors really came through and our counselor was finally okay with saying he was a sociopathic narcissist, with a sexual addiction. Everything he did was about how “kind” and “good” he was. He hid behind faith but found his extreme need for validation in his addiction. When I finally had enough and left, the turmoil from others was so painful because they couldn’t see it, still don’t. His response to anything was always in bewilderment and made me feel like I was the crazy one, constantly questioning myself and truth. I let really had to move thousands of miles away to put space between him/community/family and our kids to protect all of our mental health. Every communication is about him and in the vain of “good co-parenting.” I’m so glad to hear his because I felt and experienced his narcissism but he didn’t quite fit the typical idea of one, making even harder to talk to others. Thank you for this and breaking the psychology of it down.
You are a life-saver, Dr. Ramani. Thank you for your education & time.
Indeed.
This is why I have left all social media and move in silence. If I do something charitable, I do it quietly and for a person/cause I cannot possibly gain anything from in return. That way, I know I am being authentic.
Oh yeah, there's a LOT of those people who do just this! Especially in certain circles!!!🤯
Oh Yes! Communal narcissists make me chuckle! We have a bunch of them around where I live (mostly animal rescue peeps)..not to mention social media.
I've noticed they really , really want to be noticed, and it seems to take the upper-hand over what they actually did.
When I first learned this term, I wondered if I was one, as I am one who naturally likes to help animals and people, and be in service to others... but I have never advertised it or posted anything ever, feeling good just knowing I helped an animal or made someone happy.
Noticed that the communal narc will repost often until they get enough likes...they truly need that validation!
Thank You Doctor Ramani, looking forward to next lesson!
I had a friend like this. She would organize events where the community would come together and bring unwanted items. It was mostly for homeless people, but you could also pick items you liked. Any-who at first I thought wow she’s amazing! She’s so nice and giving! She would thoroughly plan the event out. But then I started to notice she would miss treat the people close to her that helped her set up the event. She was so rude to her mom. Who by the way helped her a lot with the event and in her personal life financially. Then I noticed she was more concerned about posting on social media than actually getting to know the homeless people. She made it on the newspaper and started acting like a celebrity. Then I noticed that most of the people that would take items had a similar personality to hers. I stopped going. I hated being tagged in social media and I didn’t want to take pictures. I don’t speak to her anymore because I realized she wasn’t who I thought she was.
Relatable! 😕
Dr., spot on. This was THEE biggest confusion for me with my ex n. He would do things for people all the time. What was confusing is he wouldn't do much for me, or he would blow off his son coming to see him to do a favor for a neighbor. He would happily babysit for his granddaughter saying "I " am babysitting. Then low and behold, I (me) would end up babysitting while he would be out doing favors for friends and neighbors. I was the last on his list. Ignored because he was so self involved with doing for others that would give him supply. He was also very quiet about getting the supply or acting out that he relied on it (covert), he knew that would expose him.
Yup! My husband was always too busy taking care of other people to take care of his family, especially his children. The weird thing is they will give away something to a neighbor as though it's no big deal but will berate you about how expensive that thing was. I'm now very wary of gift-give and people who are always starting over because it's often torture for those closest to them.
Yes my ex had many female friends with ‘problems’ that he needed to help them immediately, with while did not offer me the same level of support. In fact I had to wait several hours to be driven to doctors when I was sick one time.....
Oh my god. That's my aunt.. I've figured long ago she was narcissistic but didn't know the correct label. She always did things for people to make them OWE her gratitude. My mother described it as if you had to be thankful, almost forced mentally, for the eternity of the relationship. My aunt would even tell other people she did things for me she has never done in reality.. You are absolutely right, they are frustrating as hell. Thank you for that series 🙏 it's so educational and I love how easy it is to understand complex terms through your examples!
I once had a rommate who may have been a communal narc. She was well known in the community and did a lot of things for others. What happened is that when I moved in she had expectations of me, that I was also supposed to do what she did, have other people over, make meals, etc. What I sensed from that was in me doing so it was really a way to showcase her and make her look good, and had nothing to do with me. I was there just to make her look good. What that did was to breed resentment in me. When I did what she wanted, she would make backhanded comments about how I did/didn't do it "right." When I stopped doing what she wanted, things went south. I left that rommate relationship feeling confused and hurt. The whole thing was an awful experience and I had to put extreme distance between us. I'm so glad to be out of that. So, yes. I get what a communal narcissist is.
Lol you must have been roommates with an old friend of mine 😂 communal narcissist all the way, loves animals and is heavily involved in her church. Has had "problems" with roommates in the past...
P. D. I have felt burnt by more than one who seems a lovely friend - until you share a home with them and if every little detail is not done their way, it's a misery!
I was living with a roomate that had another guy roomate there he would totally ignore me and give me dirty looks but when my roomate was their he was all outgoing and smiling engaging in conversation and acknowledging me but then of coarse of I pass him alone here come me evil stare they always look at you like you did them something wrong just nuts
Oh yes. Narcissists are obsessed with image. And they're often afraid of the people that will disclose the truth
They love to help others. I think even without getting recognized for it. It's a ego boost for them to know/think it couldn't be done without them.
Whatever their motive, it's good people are getting helped.
But if they do it without getting recognized it’s not an ego boost.
Thanks its very useful information. Especially the part about feeling like the whole world views this person as a saint, and that, if anyone has an issue with their actions, it must be them not the narcissist, as they are wonderful and help so many people. Its a very painful and confusing (gaslight-y) position to be placed in.
Listen to her, read her books. Research. Thank you Dr R.❤️☘️
She's the best!!!
This woman is a national treasure.
Good afternoon Dr. Ramani. In the Bible Matthew 6: 1-5 describes the communal narcissist. Thank you for the information. Initially I avoided being involved in ministries in church because of seeing how people were being treated. When I learned what and how my purpose in serving could help, it helped me to focus on the needs of others regardless of the emotionally charged environment I was in. Thank you for your information. It really helps. Also there is a book called "Ask Me Why I Am Not In Church an Anderson and Canty production, illustrates the impact of communal narcissism in a roundabout way.
My friend's father is exactly like this. He is abusive to my friend, and extremely controlling. But in public, butter wouldn't melt...
That metaphor doesn’t translate, but I get it?
@@alexc2265 maybe he meant in public butter would cut a knife
@@alexc2265 Butter won't melt in his mouth. The sating indicates how he's trying to act and talk sweet and innocent
Yup i have a family member like this she will always push herself to 'help' out whether it be family functions, community events anywhere really whether you asked or wanted her help or not....only to constantly remind you in the future of how much she does for everyone....how self less she is....not everyone can have a big heart like her. Meanwhile she is really an awful person who thinks she's better than everyone else. So toxic!!
Divorcing a narcissist is hell. I couldn’t have ever imagined that he would drive me to a nervous breakdown and make my life a living hell ten years after escaping him. They use your weaknesses against you and make you feel powerless. They turn your friends and family against you. I am hanging on by a thread. Sometimes I don’t know why I keep going bc I know this hell will never end. I am not this pathetic in my own nature. He just knows what buttons to press and how to re traumatize me over and over again. I need to listen more to these amazing and life saving videos bc I need to find my strength. I need to understand how to describe this abuse so ppl will believe me. God help us all, that are dealing with these demons that seek to destroy us. I wish there was a support group for us. Maybe there is....need to research. Much love to all out there suffering this way. We need each other bc most ppl don’t understand. And much much love and gratitude to Dr. Ramani. Saving so many ppl for feeling isolated and helpless.
That’s usually what they do once they find out your leaving them they try to cause as much pain as possible
You are a professional, classy & erudite life saver. You are in my TOP FIVE. Love your attention to details and studies. Aloha from Honolulu, Hawai''i.
R u in NZ? Hubby's been there, twice, says it's his favorite place besides home.. Cool!
Megan Markle popped up in my mind while listening to this. Always being photographed doing charity work and always directly looking at the camera. Also many others who were thought to be pillars of society for so long, then outed, like Bill Cosby. Also Gislaine Maxwell who for years did charity work for marine and ocean life.
Thank you for your time .You are helping me and a lot of people . Not on social media.Believe when you put yourself out to social media you lose your freedom of speach in some ways . Twitter, facebook Instagram. My mind and my words I keep to myself .Everyone's a critic .On here I speak still had to block a lady and report her to U tube .Cause i dont think like her .It strips you of your independence and everyone wants to go with the crowd .No time for it .Dr You have helped me so much .i suffer from PTSD and I'm a empath. Just trying to live a simple life .Thank you for your time have a blessed day
I had a boss who made quite a to-do about rescuing a puppy. Also she had a program going to a school teaching underprivileged kids to read. We had publicized fundraisers for this. ...there was a homeless man who spent cold nights sleeping on the porch of the business. She would call the police on him and get the secretary to shoo him away. One icy morning she sent the secretary out to send him away and she could not awaken the man. He was dead.
Wow my grandmother, her sister, and her sisters daughter are communal. Mother is malignant. Grandmother has a bit of covert too. I'm so glad this information exists. I can now understand part of my family dynamic and move on from it without the guilt. Thank you! I've been researching narcissists for the past year and it has really helped me understand it isn't my fault and I can heal while understanding the bigger picture.
Since You mentioned Mother Theresa. As I have read, Mother Theresa herself appears to have been quite a communal narcissist. She was extremely arrogant, impatient and mean up to the point of sadism, but only towards those close to her while either working with her or being "treated" or "councelled" by her . The hideous aspect above all is that she behaved unempathically and sadistically towards her so-called patients or clients by denying them palliative treatment and that way exploiting their religious beliefs only to benefit her own validation and power.
I volunteered to help someone film and photograph all of their volunteer "adventures" and it was a nightmare. I remember feeling so lucky at first to be able to travel and "make a difference" with this person, but things got bad very quickly. At first it was just annoying grandiose behavior like asking everyone what they did for a living before even asking them their names (including people in war torn communities or people who were physically disabled and unable to work), or wearing the most glamorous Hollywood outfits to go "clean stables" and talking to other volunteers and locals who were struggling to make ends meet about the "great sale" where they were able to get their jacket for ONLY $450... (which I had been in the tv industry long enough to be used to tolerating that behavior, so I ignored it) but then it started getting worse and I started seeing how they were abusive to their family and significant other.
They always had a lapel mic on, and didn't know I could hear them talking and they would always talk down about me saying things like, "she's really adorable...she's so new to traveling and just super excited about everything, so just try to go with it...I know it's annoying and she's bossy, but she's actually pretty good at what she does so just let her have her little moment." (these comments would be after I would say something as simple as, "ok, you guys start walking ahead to the stables and I'll film you walking.") After years of this, I started feeling extreme shame for not being able to stand up to this person that I had worked with for so long. I even started believing that I was really hard to work with due to my "bossy commands."
The ickiest part of all is we would go somewhere to volunteer, I would film this person petting an animal or reading to a child, and as soon as I "got everything I needed," they would promptly stand up and yell, "welp, I think we're good here! We hate to leave so soon but we have to go film more great causes!" Sometimes this person would literally only "volunteer" for a total of 15 minutes. i convinced myself that it would still encourage and inspire others to actually spend time volunteering, but I look back on everything and cringe. We would spend hours at tourist attractions or dinner, but less than an hour anywhere we "volunteered." If I ever suggested staying longer, they would grab their stomach and pretend to have cramps or an IBS "emergency." These emergencies never seemed to get in the way of anything "fun" though...
I worked for free for this person for 7 years. I spent at least 20 hours a week, sometimes 60 hours, helping them with everything from web design to writing blog entries, to doing my actual career of filming and editing. Despite all of this, they would always subtly jab me, or compliment me in backhanded ways that truly hurt. When I finally told them I could no longer afford to spend any more time or money on their project (which was full of promises to SOMEDAY pay me everything I deserved), they became absolutely irate. Sending emails about how ungrateful and horrible I was to work with, and "how could you do this to me after everything I've done for you? You've seen the world because of ME!" (this person never could seem to remember that I was very well traveled before I even met them, but they'd always introduce me as "this is my videographer. It's her first time ever traveling!"
All in all, this was one of the greatest lessons of my life. I don't regret anything, but if I ever found myself in the same situation again, I would regret if I hadn't learned anything from the experience. I wish it didn't take me 7 years, but at the same time, it was just 100% solid proof that narcissists will always try to destroy anyone who is unlucky enough to be in their lives in any capacity. It also showed me how codependent I was. I had deeply rooted fear that I wasn't good enough to do anything on my own, and the way this person treated me made those feelings 100x worse. But I've been able to work on that with a therapist and am slowly but surely regaining confidence in myself and my abilities.
I was dating someone who was doing amazing work feeding people in food deserts and other community support. He was great with people, especially when networking. It's a city in the NE and it seems like everyone knows him. The mayor, the people on the street, everyone, he has so many friends on FB he has to unfriend someone to add a friend. His Instagram is full of all the work he is doing for the community. There was something off though. I don't know if he is a communal narcissist or just really interested in managing his appearance. The work he does is amazing. He seems like he truly cares for his community (it is everything to him) but his interpersonal skills (when in private) were horrible. He was impatient, passive aggressive and emotionally unavailable. This video made me wonder if that is why I felt so conflicted having a relationship with him.
He played you
Please stay away from people who are constantly doing charity. These people will die if they didn’t have the upper hand in every thing. Remember that the people on his social media are his followers not friends. Trust your gut no matter what other people say.
Yes, he was a communist narcissist. Maybe just not as extreme as some others, but he was.
@@carmelpereira6003 not all though my gf loves helping the homeless and giving to others she told me the ones who really care never have a phone in their hand whilst their giving.Her bday was recently and she decided to give away her party bags without letting her sis know who threw the surprise party for her to random people, I know in some article can't rem now that helping others releases dopamine she does have anxiety and was diagnosed with mild to moderate depression so that may be her dopamine release,and absolutely hates the spotlight.I believe those that do it quietly are the ones who are genuine
Rel. There's always something 'off', but we're lying to ourselves.
My Dad would take the family's food money, make grand donations to the church, and then yell at my Mother because the "damned children keep on crying that they're hungry!"
Its been almost more than a month we have been receiving your daily videos.Do we ever speak about good people so much?This itself is a proof of how dangerous these narcs are.We are glad to have you Ramani.
"Street angel, house devil," was a phrase my mom used a lot--of course it was always a comment bitterly aimed at others in her church and such but very much applied to her as well.
Mine too.
I immediately thought of Meghan Markle, though she has a slight overlap with qualities of the covert narcissist. She has that carefully polished veneer of a virtue-signaling do-gooder with the shade of the woe-is-me victimhood narrative.
«Even the devil masquerades as the angel of light...»
A communal narcissist, however, may reason this way:
“I deserve special treatment because I am extraordinarily warmhearted, trustworthy, and helpful; everyone feels at ease telling me all their problems.”
“Should I stay or should I go” is a great book from Amazon audio! Thanks you Dr Ramani !
I was just researching about communal narcissist and couple of minutes later.. here you go! :) Thank you for the video!
I got help from my ex. At the beginning of the relationship I felt sooo freaking lucky but I remember feeling uncomfortable then he started to wanted to control me and then gaslighting. I felt miserable when we broke up but now I feel sooo immensely lucky for opening my eyes. Thank you Dr. Ramani it is so refreshing to be able to pin point and almost dissecting that awful experience. Omg I hope I never have to through that ever again it was a nightmare.
This is my boss. The only reason I stay is because the cause we’re working for is so great and helps so many people. That part of the job is awesome. It’s hell working with her though
I've seen these people, but I keep them at a distance. They seem to avoid me, as well. :)
Lots of spiritual gurus are like this.
This is really interesting, my father a narc, long after I left home started volunteering for his local Community Transport (an organisation in Australia that helps elderly, disabled, etc get to medical appointments) and I heard people praising him for his kindness and generosity. Then one of them realised he didn't put any money into it and was just driving and was disappointed (this was my sister-in-law and she should have known he never gave a cent to anybody). Meanwhile if any of those passengers were 5 minutes late, he'd go and leave them with no means to get to their appointment. So instead of assisting these disadvantaged ones he added immeasurably to their stress.
I'm a survivor, on a way to thrive. 💪🏽
I know, If I can do it, you all can! 🔥
It might sound crazy, but I think that everyone that's a narcissist-magnet must come across a strong damaging narcissist, once in their lifetime. 🤔
The reason is: we have been so primed to take the abuse that it doesn't feel so, unless someone thrashes us left, right and centre. It's deeply agonizing, but a wake-up call. 🔔 Apart from getting healed from the abuse of one narcissist, we get trained in escaping such monsters in future. 🏋️
The universe has loads of energy for you, you need not depend on any sadist to derive it from. 🌞 More power to all the good people out there! 🌍
You CAN do it! 💜
How much we could accomplish if getting credit were not an issue.
Omg! You have described a lot of celebrities , church ministers and Bill & Manlina Gates..
Hi Dr Ramani, if you have the time, I could really really use some input. So I’m currently living with someone who I believe to be a communal narcissist possibly. He has become very involved in protests and marches and has started multiple social media accounts dedicated to spreading awareness and educating others. What he’s doing is good, and helpful and more than likely is making an impact. My concern is, he is doing this 24 hours a day, and whenever I ask for any time or attention, I mean even 5 minutes or even when we’re eating, and he gets really irritable and defensive and annoyed and starts blaming me and saying I’m abusive for wanting time with him and starts accusing me of trying to “take him away from the movement” when In reality I literally barely talk to him anymore cause he’s constantly on his phone, he’s very consumed and he has a holier than thou attitude all of a sudden so now whenever we discuss the topic, he will correct me and tell me I’m wrong or just straight up ignore my input when discussing about it. The posts he makes aren’t always about himself, however, he’s been putting himself out there in the media and then comes home and looks for pictures and posts them to the account and puts them on stories etc. then he listens to the videos he posts repeatedly. He has become very arrogant and egotistical and literally told me that what he’s doing online and etc matters more to him than I matter to him. He’s very insensitive and lacking in empathy... somehow is able to cry over strangers pain and suffering but then when I’m crying I get completely ignored. Literally completely ignores me. Has even put his headphones in. Not only that but he makes judgements and comments behind closed doors that I guarantee if anyone in “the movement” heard they would not want to continue working with him. It’s hypocritical. I was wondering if you have any input into whether this could be a communal narcissist or if it sounds like it to you? It’s just the way that he is treating me in conjunction with the good he’s doing... there are many double standards... I’m not given as much time and attention or even kindness as the people out there in the community and online. It seems really obsessive on his part but I’m just not sure. Thanks so much. 🙏🙏🙏
I knew a narcissist who repeatedly offered to do "favors" but only of HIS choosing, not what people wanted or needed! In fact, I refused some, saying I absolutely did not want them, didn't want those things done at all- and he did it anyway! Then expected thanks, and paybacks! For things that inconvenienced me and I had refused!
Again, you put a name to a face (albeit two-faced)
Awesome as ALWAYS
We Thank You!!!!