Thank you for this. I have a tendency to zone out and numb as a trauma response, so I also tend to really minimize my experiences, downplay any harms. But I realized with my last long-term therapist that I will seek out someone who mirrors that numbing, minimizing style. It's very safe and shallow and controllable, which is something I should be working on not doing... So I was literally dealing with: forced separation from my children, bankruptcy (with child support debts not able to be discharged), coercive control and abuse from my ex who is also abusing my children, a literal conspiracy (as in racketeering) involving abusive court professionals and a history of trauma including an abusive mother. I said something like, "I just feel so isolated and shamed" and she said, "There's not really anything going on in your life that is unique, it's not like there are more people hurting you than any other person". And then, a year after starting to see me, she called me to tell me that my mother had reached out to her (I am 46 and live in another state from my mom), and wanted to talk about me with her but I didn't have her listed as an emergency contact, my therapist wanted to know if I wanted to add her. I was like, I told you at our first session that my mom is an emotionally abusive narcissist and I obviously filled out the paperwork with emergency contacts who are not my mother. The problem is someone in my situation can't afford to fully advocate for ourselves with anyone until we're out of legal peril, even with our own therapist. So then you have to weigh the risks of involving a therapist in your life with the risk of not.
You are talking about coercive control, Dr Ramani calls it narcissistic abuse, I often call it emotional manipulation - one of the most frustrating experience with the people practicing it, how they can invalidate the others’s feelings. (Gaslighting is a step up, but it is enough here to talk about invalidation.) I agree: it is not ok for a therapist to do the same. I do not doubt that the intent is helping to take away the pain, but this way of taking away the pain just digs the problem - self-doubt, confusion, lack of connection to ones own self, not trusting others and helplessness - deeper and deeper.
uff, heavy topic!
My therapist admitted that he has a bad habit of gaslighting his clients to distort their reality.
Thank you for this. I have a tendency to zone out and numb as a trauma response, so I also tend to really minimize my experiences, downplay any harms. But I realized with my last long-term therapist that I will seek out someone who mirrors that numbing, minimizing style. It's very safe and shallow and controllable, which is something I should be working on not doing... So I was literally dealing with: forced separation from my children, bankruptcy (with child support debts not able to be discharged), coercive control and abuse from my ex who is also abusing my children, a literal conspiracy (as in racketeering) involving abusive court professionals and a history of trauma including an abusive mother. I said something like, "I just feel so isolated and shamed" and she said, "There's not really anything going on in your life that is unique, it's not like there are more people hurting you than any other person". And then, a year after starting to see me, she called me to tell me that my mother had reached out to her (I am 46 and live in another state from my mom), and wanted to talk about me with her but I didn't have her listed as an emergency contact, my therapist wanted to know if I wanted to add her. I was like, I told you at our first session that my mom is an emotionally abusive narcissist and I obviously filled out the paperwork with emergency contacts who are not my mother. The problem is someone in my situation can't afford to fully advocate for ourselves with anyone until we're out of legal peril, even with our own therapist. So then you have to weigh the risks of involving a therapist in your life with the risk of not.
You are talking about coercive control, Dr Ramani calls it narcissistic abuse, I often call it emotional manipulation - one of the most frustrating experience with the people practicing it, how they can invalidate the others’s feelings. (Gaslighting is a step up, but it is enough here to talk about invalidation.) I agree: it is not ok for a therapist to do the same. I do not doubt that the intent is helping to take away the pain, but this way of taking away the pain just digs the problem - self-doubt, confusion, lack of connection to ones own self, not trusting others and helplessness - deeper and deeper.
❤