let's get deep: Why Are Adult Friendships SO HARD?
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- Опубликовано: 2 окт 2024
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The one thing that hurts me the most is the breadcrumbing - when a friend texts you and shows interest in meeting up but then they disappear. I keep doubting if they do this out of selfishness or they actually want to meet but life keeps getting in the way. It makes me feel extremely insecure, even moreso that friendships that just fizzle out in a more honest way.
Could be they just unaware that they have an avoidant attachment style and do this to every body
@@fundinkuta7082 this is me. It's very difficult to maintain friendships because I find it hard to be present with people. It's easier to leave and come back. Trying to stop that but it's very difficult
Socialising cost me a lot of energy. I keep in touch with 2-3 familymembers and 4-6 friends. There is always the looming threat of someone falling of my radar and fading out.
I am really not creative in coming up with activities or subjects to talk about. So low maintenence friends are what fits for me.
A friend confided in me with fight and trouble in his family he was really looking for advice. (bickering baxkstabbing narcisists in his family) I listen do him talk about it for hours. I stuck it out. But after that I fwlt smoke comong out of my ears and my brain was fried. He is a real sensitive guy and I talked to him of setting bouderies etc.
I am an introvert and my work is the other way around I always have things to talk about with coworkers and things to do together because shit must get done.
People really seem to like to ask me for advice. Maybe I am the only one who listens to their problems. I am a patient guy.
But it often bothers me as I like more laid back conversations and hate drama.
The fizzling out is what bothers me. It is completely natural. But I am afraid the rate of losing friends is faster than the rate of finding new ones. The fear of becoming a weirdo loner.
Maintaining friendships is hard but necessary. We can't do life alone. Romantic relationships cannot be the only ones we have. Great subject, thank you :)
In the age of facebook and swipes the word has lost value.
@@nauxsi those ppl are no where to be seen if you have a death in the family,or you have a cancer scare. They’re not real friends. I don’t do social media and I wouldn’t encourage it But those experiences also show you who are real physical friends are too, they can’t hide the superficial personality at this point
I really love the way you talk. It's very refreshing to hear a RUclips essayist go unscripted in the way that you do. It feels like you're crystalising your own understanding of your thoughts, and taking your viewers along for the journey. But admist the fears you often speak of, there is this underlying Stoic tone (intentional or not). There is a real sense of peace that I feel in your message. You are a true treasure Tazzy Phizzle.
In all honestly I think a lot of people are just too lazy with friendships in young adulthood. Especially if you don't have children, make an effort. Answer their text. Get on the phone. People who don't prioritize relationships blow my mind. They ignore all their friends until they are in crisis mode and then expect you to just be there for them, regardless what you've been going through. Not everyone's going to vibe, but if you want someone in your life, you have to give a damn.
I have zero friends. I hate it. I have a lot of trauma from friends ditching me for a new partner and now it’s one of my biggest “turn offs” in friendship that I’m constantly worried about.
I hope you will find the happiness you are searching for! :)
I have zero friends as of this year too. I came to a realization that the last two friends I was hanging on to really only wanted me to be there for their problems, but if I ever needed anyone to talk to, it was crickets. I even expressed this to one of them and her response was essentially that she was going through too much. Which is funny, because all the while while she was going through too much, so was I, but I was still there for her every time.
Its true finding someone you can mentally connect/vibe with is rare. I never force any interaction and prefer to be on my own than to force a friendship. Since being in my adulthood I can honestly say I havent formed many if any friendships as a result of this.
Just looking at a potential friend feels like a force and a break of boundaries. At least in my imagination I have friends
The thing is sometimes I really wish certain friendships didn’t fizzle out
All the points you made are super real! It's so hard making new friends once I hit my late 20's. Everybody seems closed off and dealing with their mental stress/trauma or is trying to take advantage of you in some type of way.
Making friends as an adult who doesn't have a friendgroup or who more likely has acquaintances instead of friends, it's hard to get in (between) a group of friends. And most people who you meet alone, are part of a friend group, so they will more likely be drawn to that group instead hanging out with one person. The adults you meet already have their thin going on with friends and family, so they don't feel the need to have you as a friend.
All such wonderful insights Tasneem!! I hope you meet great friends soon that you just click with 🤓😎
My personal opinion on why making friends as an adult is so hard is this:
- When we are kids we are supposed to learn how to socialize and make friends
- When we are adults we are supposed to focus on our family and kinship that is our purpose as adults, to build strong families.
- It becomes very difficult to form bond we were able to form with friends in our childhood, because there is a certain level of innocence and willingness to trust that we naturally grow out of.
- The social skills we learn from our childhood are meant to be used for our family and for our careers.
Your friendship group will wither away when you get married and realise that you were just a placeholder.
So sorry this happened to you ❤
The “are you newwwww here” 🤣
My problem with friendships is when im going through a hard time, i dont want to hang out with people whos life is working out for them, because when we meet up they talk about their oppurtunities and what they've been doing and im just sat there like "yeah so everything sucks and i havent gone forward with my life since last time we spoke" and then it becomes them having to listen to my issues. And because i have been going through a hard time for a long time now, i ignore their texts to hang out and our friendship fizzles out that way
I don't mind listening to others. I actually welcome it. But my problem is that I don't talk to others about either trivial stuff or my issues. I would rather talk about anything other than me, and that's I find it hard to form and maintain friendships because you are expected to trust them enough to share your problems with them, which I can't and it doesn't have anything to do with trust, I just don't want to.
@@hennakhan4587 Well said! I also don't like talking about my issues, because I know at the end of the day my issues are small in the grand scheme of life and I know my issues will eventually be resolved. I especially don't like talking about my issues if they involve other people because I don't want to badmouth anyone. But at the same time if my life isn't super exciting and I don't have much to update my friends on, it's kinda like I share nothing good and nothing bad. It feels like i'm stuck in a loop.
I also know that when someone only talks about the good things in their life the other person can feel down.
And when someone only talks about the bad things the other person will feel drained from being dragged into the drama or toxicity.
So it really is a balancing act.
Doda did you ever ask them for help?
@@hennakhan4587 If you were fruit what would you be :P
This sounds like you're not building memories together. So when you meet up you're only talking about things you've done separately. Try something new together or do something together that you can talk about after.
As adults we tend to be a lot more focused in our lives and preoccupations so making friends is not as easy as it used to be.
I realized that I have been watching your videos but never commented. What i like about you is that you are so relatable. You have great observations and you are very humble. Sorry for writing random comment but you are definitely different than most RUclipsrs and that's a compliment 😊
It’s so true! I struggle to open up to people so it feels like our friendships never get to the next stage. Sometimes it becomes one sided where I know everything about their lives but they know nothing about mine. But I’ve found the right people are always easy to open up too - they have an air of loyalty around them
Maintaining friendships and making strong real friendships is really hard for me right now as a transplant that didn't grow up in the community and as a mom of 3. Half of women my age are moms but half are not so sometimes it's hard for them to relate to me, which I completely understand. But I'm not just a mom 😅 Sometimes making real mom friends is hard bc their parenting philosophy or lifestyle doesn't align, then add race and class into the mix in a very segregated Muslim community 😭😫
I find it really easy to make friendly acquaintances but deep best friendship? Pretty hard atp.
Regarding being petty with friendships and people, I'm an INFJ so I'm so forgiving and lenient. I just pick up where we dropped off from and that works for me esp with my old friendships.
Amazing video, you tackled the main points really well! I also wanted to add that sometimes, the other person doesn't need you as much as you need them. Let me explain: I am a person that really enjoys day to day interactions with friends - telling a joke, sending a silly message, it may seem trivial but for me it's a crucial way of reminding my friends that, even if we don't see each other, I still think about them in the daily. However, I've found that some of my good friends are not like that. They still make time to see and update me on their lives and we still have deep conversations, but they simply don't need to express love that way. It used to eat at my conscience because it honestly felt like everyone was moving on with their lives but I was stuck. Therapy has taught me that I don't have to resent my friends for being like that nor beat myself up or think of myself any less because of it. It's been definitely one of the hardest things for me to learn, but we're slowly getting there.
I loved this video! My life is fuller and medical school is easier because of the great friends I've made. What sucks is that I'm also trying to make more friends and trying to get closer to people, but it's very difficult with the limited time I have. I have a few friend crushes from people I knew in college but never properly hung out with, but it's so hard to make plans with them/get to know them more in person when my time at home is already so limited and with a big family, it gets hella hard and i feel super bad. When you said the thing about a person caring about their own schedule more than the other persons, I started wondering if everyone that I wasn't able to visit this summer/make plans with feels that way about me :/ I hope not lol
Really really recommend the book platonic by Marisa Franco! It uses the science of attachment styles to talk about how we make friendships and how to deepen the friendships you have. I feel like there was a lot of practical advice in there
This is random but whenever I have anxiety or need to get my mind off things I’ll turn on one of your videos and focus on the sound of your voice and it really helps me❤️ you have a very calming presence
I related to this so much. Its also hard when youre in that phase in life where all your friends are getting married and have kids and they completely detach at that point, they want mom friends if theyre new parents, or in the case of women its as if they forget their friends completely after they get a man
Great, relatable video as always and lots of food for thought.
One thing that really made think was one of of your final points - "humans enjoy safety" and your point about wanting to avoid a drama free life and hence not seeking new friendships and this probably being a defense mechanism. I think I've been doing this recently and I think you've really hit the nail on the head. I think it's a defense mechanism in my case. Thanks for saving me a therapy session.
11:00 Reminds me of the song ماجدة عبد الوهاب - حتى فات الفوت
FYI I looked up the lyrics once and actually text it as answer to ' How are you doing?'
Not the whole song just the 'After the damage was done, he asked how I have been'
I send it to a sibling who watched me struggle and get ganged up on by the rest of the family and then contacted me years after I have left.
Im also at a point where I will stop making an effort with ppl that I feel dont reciprocate that for me. Its always me having to initiate our meet ups and after one too many “im busy” or some other excuse I gotta just put me first and slowly cut it off.
Yeah the whole "i'm so busy" or "just been so crazy busy"... like everyone is busy but women wear it like a badge of honour. So I allowed it to drift and gave up making effort.
İ used to have more friends. Right now, though, I am more of a hermit. Some of my friends I did drop (mostly because of ideology or different priorities). Some of them they left me and I kind of understand why (mostly the same thing). There are seasons for everything.
What a good video. You hit every bullet point I think. I like that you're thinking about the kind of friends you'd like to make. I think that's the phase I'm in also.
Why is this so real
Also tbh having adhd makes it even more difficult - I don’t realize how much time passed by since I had spoken with the person until things sometimes…get out of touch.
Which reminds me - I miss you!
Hi Tazzy! Just commenting to let you know that I really enjoy these deep dive videos. I noticed you have been putting a lot of feelers out to see what content we enjoy as viewers, so I hope you appreciate this feedback. Thank you!
I feel like a lot of relationships miss either a shared interest or a ritual where both people turn towards each other in such a way that they constantly feel like they both gain from their presence. It’s certainly easier when you’re younger, because both people have to go to school and are usually looking for something outside of just the dry nature of academia. When you get older, you have to learn to establish your own habits and routines together, which I think in a way improves the standard for those relationships but requires an extra degree of sacrifice because of the responsibilities that come with adulthood.
Interesting perspective... thanks for sharing
Being old with good friends is a great life goal.
The anonymity paradox; that hits me in my soul.
I'm old, with friends. It's great. It's worth the work.
I think those who are only there in the good times aren't friends and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I've had people I've known and drifted apart from and we were never friends but when I see them happy (or I assume so) I'm still happy for them. But that's not friendship. If they were my friend, I would have been with them on the journey not seeing things on social media
I just moved to TX too. Let's be friends.
One of the problems with adult friends as a couple is if your other half breaks up with the friend, you also have to break up lol
Or you're expected to pick sides.
Opposite gender friends are haram ❤
Check your DMs! I’ll be your friend! Inshallah lol
It gets more complicated.
I believe that people put too much emphasis on the acceptation of arguing with your significant other is healthy. It should be with the same with your friends. Otherwise, nothing gets communicated or changed. Basically, if you argue with your friend, it's over. Your friends see you mostly at your best, but your husband may see you at your best and worst. If you don't practice with both, you'll never be good at it with either.
Lots of people today are communicating via text and so misunderstandings happen all the time. Also people ditching people at the slightest disagreement. Don't mention RSVP for events where there are no shows.
I thought I had friends realised they were just peers who grew up together cuz we were all stuck in the same classes same age group lives the same docile lifestyle
As soon as they were in relationships
And started having the seggs they became very snobby and ego driven like we’re better than everyone else.
I’m glad they were around as teen friendships but I wouldn’t catch up now as adults.
Some people not all became very ignorant and self absorbed as they become parents too.
The best friends are siblings in my situation friend enemies for life! Lol
I agree that it's extremely hard to make friends as an adult. In my case, it's opposite actually. So called friends call me only when they need something (like help to move in/move out) or to vent about negative shit and never share positive things.
So, I've distanced myself from them and maintain my older friendships.
It can be opposite too where you feel like you can't share your struggles and only say positive things. That's not real either.
This topic hits home🥺
Is Tazzy married? If not may Allah bless her with the perfect man of her desires
she is married :)
I realized later in life that I was not keeping up with contacting friends and assumed they didn't want to stay in touch. However a big problem of mine is that I'm really anxious and topped with social anxiety - I'm always thinking that I am bugging someone if I ask them to hang out or how they're doing. It's a bit of a mental mess with me. Creating new friends is a trust rollercoaster and I find myself not putting myself out there and wanting to be "anonymous"
I moved to a new country. Being in a country where there is language barrier and large cultural difference it's been very hard to make friends, especially since I live in a small city right now. Add on top of it being a new mom with limited time it seems almost impossible to make friends. Is there a friends seeker version of Tinder? 😅
I definitely embrace all of my friends and keep them very close to me. I only have one friend who is practically family to me, and even if we go months without saying anything and then meet up we talk to each other like time hasn’t passed. I think that I’ve been able to hold my friendships longer when I try; but I also feel like if I’m not vibing with the person, or that I feel like we don’t click, idk I just kind of fall off. I feel bad but I’d rather have a friendship where we appreciate one another than it being just me doing the work.
Assalamu alaikum Tazzy, really enjoyed this video! :) may Allah reward you. ameen! Agreed with your points and related to almost all of it! It's hard to maintain friendships as we go into different avenues to the people we grew with but well worth it, where those friendships are valuable الحمد لله. The fact that maintaining these existing friendships really enhances just how hard it can be to make totally new ones.
I think I have those kind of trust issues with you because I REALLY value my privacy and hated it when things about me were shared from one girl to another, even when I don't know those other girls. It happened in the new community I was making efforts to join when I moved so now I'm like WALLS UP. I never liked interacting with those kind of girls who share people's information but the hard thing is that you don't necessarily know who's like that until you spend some time with them haha. I'm still open to new friendships but heavily guarded! I also let go of both casual friends and some people I knew over the course of some years because I sensed the first kind of selfishness you mentioned, or that there was a lack of genuineness, or a neediness that I couldn't give to.
May Allah grant us some really nice, righteous friends. Ameen
Tasneem we used to go to the same masjid I’m sure. Small world, but I’m so happy to see you thriving!
Agree on the anonymity within certain groups.
Facts on being there for friends in good and bad times.
Salam dear , love the topic and yes I agree with the adult life friendship struggles , they are real !!! U have a very nice way of putting difficult questions and some of it make me smile , bless u dear!
You are very cute. Your humor and execution is always refreshing.
i just had a friend breakup recently and this was really helpful. as i get older, i only want to put effort into relationships where i feel reciprocated. i felt used in that one friendship because we had different definitions of what best friends do for each other.
I love your videos so much, it’s like listening to a friend talk ❤
Love these topics thanks razz you🥰🥰🥰
You are my fave youtuber mashaAllah
You're so real ❤
We want a comedy comeback with Esraa!
Such a spot on topic! I am honestly ngl tired of work, studying and maintaining a healthy relationship with my loved ones so that I tend to not share so much time with friends and it's nearly impossible to meet up if we haven't checked weeks before if we can meet up (the logistics are on another level 😂) so often times it's not possible to see each other. But I have found out I'm not that type of girlfriend that needs to talk to my friends on a daily or weekly basis, it's fine if I know they're fine and if we see each other it's like we haven't ever stopped talking.
Who needs people anyway?
great content thanks
I think there's an Islamic factor that's very cultural you mentioned. Some want their wives to just be with their husbands, and that's misogyny resulting from colonial trauma and poor education.
As a revert and a young mom of 2 i feel this
Thanks for sharing your insights on this topic. God bless you.
If u had a podcast I would listen all the time :) it’s a worthy investment of ur time
I was just recently reflecting that I'd like to deepen my friendships. Thanks for this vid, I related to a lot of what you said x
Asalamoilaykum warahmatoulain warahmatoulain sister I stay in Denver if you want we can be friends you are good Muslimah
May Allah swt gives you 2 or 3 kids 😊😊😊😊
Ameen
After having kids you will fall in love with them they will be your world forever inshallah 😊😊😊😊
Loved this❤️❤️thank you!!