let's get deep about FRIENDSHIP (toxic relationships and making friends as an adult)
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- Опубликовано: 10 июл 2024
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I'm almost 40...I can confidently say that all the friends I have now, I made/ solidified in my 30s.
That's right. I am 32 hopefully turning 33 this year, I confirm that I know now what I want/ don't want better than ever.
I always think that honesty is the best key of friendship, but as I grow older I realised that people didn't like being told the truth, and whether you say it in a nice or a mean way, truth isn't welcome. So I have decided to keep my opinion to myself because no one wants to listen, and I will never consider myself in a real friendship because I know I'm holding back something. So I decided to be casual with everyone because I feel like nowadays you are trapped in teenage phase forever. Everyone thinks that they can do anything they like and live freely and have no boundaries under the name of "open mind" and what surprised me is how do you consider yourself an open minded person if you can't respect that someone is saying the truth.
I hope one day I can find someone who respect me for being real 🙏
Omg yeah, unfortunately people never grow up and are still stuck in their 'teenager phase' and its evident from the conversations you have with them because they still complain about the same thing that happened in highschool. The convos don't have any substance beyond petty gossip and reminiscing. I guess its pretty hard to move on
@@ameerazetiamlee6853 I totally agree with you, if you don't have enough gossip and drama is you're no longer their interest
@@manartalaat8636 yeppp most people love to relive trauma because in a way its their way of 'gaining control' and its kind of comforting for people. But for me, if you dont grow from it why bother mentioning it in the first place yknow? Idk if this makes sense😭😭
I realised that people didn't like being told the truth. This is correct the whole MSA at my college does not like me they isolate me and I call them out and they say I am harassing them.
@@ameerazetiamlee6853 This is so true and sad. If you don't have enough gossip and drama is you're no longer their interest and this is why I have hard making friends.
I especially appreciated your point about venting about other people being a harmful and potentially destructive way to handle annoyances. This made me realize that I sometimes do this, and will from now on try to keep such things to myself or vent in some other way (journaling for example). Thank you for the video!
I vent sometimes but I keep them anonymous and I normally vent to people who don't know about the people who I'm talking about.
Same here! may Allah forgive us
14:14 … worst thing when Its your own family.when they love to see you in your lowest. Having sadistic narcissistic parents (or anyone,friends etc) is NO JOKE.
Thats messed up man
@@MileenasDentist for real
Yes yes
10:45 I used to be like this but have since changed. Tolerating ppls 💩 eventually turns you into their doormat. And they know it.
Indeed, none of us are perfect. But I simply cannot tolerate, fake, manipulative, shallow, ill-mannered or gossipy type of ppl. Into the bin they go 🚮
Yes I always been treated like a doormate but now I don't tolerate fake gossipy people.
My friend group became snobby the moment they had gotten married or in a relationship.
The internet was fairly new Nd non existent for us growing up the only access we had to it was in college
contacting them was cell phone via text messages that was it
As I’ve become older I’ve come to the realisation that they were never really my friends we were just peers who attended the same education places and had the same
Cultural upbringing
Having no friends after is lonely AF
Family are cool
To hang out with but can become mentally suffocating to be around
you always need that extra support of social fun another perspective on life to enjoy life a little bit more
I experienced this too! So painful. And you can build new, better connections lovely. Stay open & friendly with people. It all works out ;) The people that drifted were never meant to stay for this part of your journey. It is okay to outgrow people & even remove them entirely if you need space. Nothing was meant to last forever in this world anyway. Also: I do go out & do new things I want with other likeminded people/ alone. It feels odd at first, but then you feel cool in your own company....& yup I am an introvert at heart, an ambivert if needed to be x
Some interesting points about kids vs adult friendship dynamic. We are facing a loneliness pandemic, more people over age of 30 that are single. But I think as adults we can try and replicate (maybe not for years etc) what the kids have in their setup to try and make new friends. That is pick an activity and show up. Every week without fail. At least for a few months. Just be there. Even when you don't want to, be there.
most people when their lonely become friends-as soon as they get into a relationship they drop you as a friend-others attatch yourself to you as they have a boring life and only for gossip-these lind of people arent friends-
For me it's definitely more fulfilling to have friends who aren't the 'hard coach' and are there for you as caring listeners and emotional support no matter what, even if they don't agree with your actions or decisions. That's because these friends are usually open-minded and don't judge you for your decisions, they don't have a black and white way of seeing things and know that the decision that works for them is not what would work for you, etc. That's what friendship is to me, everyone is mature enough to make their own decisions and bear the consequences, friends aren't there to control your life, just enhance it.
As a fellow 30 year old INFJ Desi female who also went to an Islamic school growing up, can I just say thank you for your videos? Recently moved to a new city and I'm finding it really hard to make friends and find "my" kinda people so I'm binge watching your videos to substitute for my lack of a social life right now. I must say I think we would get along SO well in real life. Much love my friend💐
sending love ♥️ you’ll find your tribe Insha Allah
@@nawalh7931 thank you 💕💕
Infj here too! I feel you hon x
What you said about cutting people off really spoke to me. I think it's a very reactive response and almost an easier way to handle an uncomfortable situation, maybe even a bit selfish too. You don't allow for redemption. You also don't allow space for there to be a conversation. I realised I often didn't voice my concerns possibly out of fear, or rejection, or maybe an inability to communicate properly. It's a lot to learn in retrospect but a very valid point.
I think that if they are going to cut people out of their lives, they could at least let them know about it. I hate that we currently live in a culture where grown adults will decide to just ghost people instead of letting them know that they don't want to be associated with them anymore. People even do this for ending romantic relationships, which is beyond selfish. In my opinion, it's incredibly immature, whether it's for friends or romantic partners. Even if you don't want to give them a second chance, at least let the person know that you won't be talking to them anymore instead of leaving them confused or worried when they try to contact you and you don't reply!
"If you're good friends, you shouldn't live together" maaaaan I didn't learn the first or second time but I sure did on the third time 🥴🤡
As long as you learned!
"I am not a fake person, I have to show them how I feel about them". I am 27 and still kinda have this mentality. I just dont want to be " Fake". You somehow feel very genuine to me, when you share your experience. Thank you!
I signed in on my phone just to make this comment. I serious loved this video way more than your others recently. I feel like it could have been me speaking in this whole video. You said everything so authentically and smoothly like I wish you were my best friend or my older sister. Even before the pandemic I knew that I didn't have any real friends after going thru a couple big milestones and idk. I just wanna say that I felt like I was talking to a best friend while watching this. Thank you.
I think honesty means being first true to ourselves and therefore true to our friends, even when they make decisions we wouldn't. And being there for them without shaming them, no confusion. They have to know where we stand.
I feel like I do too much in frienships. When I try too much, I just stop making any effort and cut you off. I don't have many friends left. I think, I won't invest my time nor energy in friendships anymore and stop cutting people off. Will just keep them as an archive.
Honestly being there for someone when they’re making decisions u think is bad for them isn’t enabling. You talk to them once to figure out if they’re strong in that decision. if they truly want to go through with it, I find that it helps to be there for them regardless. Bc if they’re going through the bad sides of their decisions, at least they have me to comfort them and rely on, instead of them being alone and suffering w their struggles alone. People make different decisions and as I get older I realise, what decisions wouldn’t make me happy can sometimes actually make others happy in the long run. So for the sake of ur friendship lasting and being there for them, I think a good friend supports them regardless of conflicting views
Absolutely. There's a difference between "I'm not sure if this is a good idea, but just know that I'll be here for you either way if you need me" vs. "Yeah. You should do that. I support that idea, and you're 100% right. Anyone who says otherwise is just a hater."
I think it makes a person a good friend if they are there for you unconditionally.. abandoning them in their time of despair and doing reckless things would only be more detrimental in the long term to that friend and it'll feel like a failure of test of loyalty.
Really great topic and loved hearing your thoughts on this. As for the part where we don't know when a friend is doing something wrong should we be supportive or honest - I think it really depends on the context and also the dynamic of the friendship. For example a lot of my non-muslim friends do things that I think are wrong but they have different beliefs so I can't impose that on them at all. However, if for example a friend is going back to a toxic ex because she thinks he's the one, then yes I do think being honest about the red flags and having her back in that way is important. hope that makes sense!
Loved this. With the honesty point - depends on the friendship dynamic. If you feel wronged, and the friendship is a meaningful one that you want to be long term, you need to speak to them, don’t let it brew.
The venting point… yes! We’ve all been there. Takes a lot of emotional maturity to recognise we were wrong to use that outlet for anger.
And definitely the part about venting... I definitely have to work on this as well. Things have been frustrating for a while and it gets hard not to sit and talk shit whenever someone asks "how's life". I want to find ways to be more in control of my emotions and find other ways to cope with life. Being 6 months pregnant doesn't help 😞
I have mixed feelings about the venting. I think you can control what you say and how you say it when you’re venting. There’s a huge difference between venting and ranting. It just depends on the person you go to. Someone with an unbiased opinion.
@@Sweetbunniez Exactly. I remember feeling so much better back in 2019 when I vented to a few friends of mine about this guy friend of mine who was toxic, like a weight was lifted off of me. I didn't say his name or anything like that though, and the friends who I talked to had never met the guy I was talking about. We laughed about it and I also felt that my feelings were finally being validated and I didn't feel like I was crazy anymore. It's too bad that I can't really do that during the pandemic though. Texting just isn't the same as talking in person, and my family likes to listen in whenever I call my friends.
Love this and why I stick to myself. Hard to make friends when you have Autism and I only make one true friend in college. People often say my parents don't let me have friends or lie to me. When I try talking to people they don't seem interested. My child hood friends all moved so the friendship died out. I struggle with being alone and crying all the time. Don't feel welcomed at Masjids or MSA being a revert and Ghanian living in the US. Yes I am scared of being hurt because majority of people isolate me and treat me so different. The whole MSA at my college does not like me they isolate me and I called them out and they say I am harassing them and forcing friendships.
Yes please, i need to know how to make a friend as an adult
What an absolutely amazing, thought provoking video. Has me thinking a lot. It's worth it, putting your ego aside and aiming for a patch up. You may not get the friendship back but it should definitely be given a try. Tazzy, I wish I knew you personally and we could be friends
Great topic, I’m only 22, but feel like I have learned a lot of these lessons the last 3 years. When it comes to telling friends that you think they’re making a bad decision I ask myself a few questions before sharing my opinion: did they ask for my opinion? Will my opinion change their actions? Will the consequences of their actions hurt themselves or others? Are their actions hypocritical? Do their actions go against your morals, or the morals of the general public? And the last one is a rule, only say it once or if they ask again. Constantly repeating that you don’t agree with their actions, especially when you’re not asked WILL end your friendship. I have a friend who has done a few things I don’t agree with, one in particular, whenever she brought it up, I would listen to what she had to say and 99% of the time I would tell her “you know how I feel about that situation, so you know that I think you shouldn’t do it anymore.” Usually the conversation would end there or shortly after.
Loved this episode. It's interesting to hear these thoughts because I'm in a place where I'd like to have these conversations with some of my friends and "friends" but I'm not ready for the awkwardness that'll ensue.
I also think you should have spent more time talking about reciprocity in friendships. Personally, I think friendships is all about giving (time, money, ideas etc). Reciprocity is super important and it doesn't have to be directly 1-1 e.g it could be time for opportunities or money for time and so on. And in cases where one simply cannot give, I think they have to show that they're trying to. It's important for balance
Giving friends money is a bad idea. Only do so if you're prepared to never see it again.
A lot of what you are saying also applies to family members. I always heard that parents (Moms) should cut the cord with their son once he is all grown up - I think this saying goes a long way. This is not just between mom and son, this applies to all family members. Once you are all grown up, for the most part, you need to have your own lives separate from your parents and siblings and they should respect your personal boundaries. I grew up in a family where if one family member was sad or had a problem the other ones had to be sad as well. If my older sibling had a problem even if it had nothing to do with us the younger ones and we couldn't help her at all, my mother would keep reminding us that you shouldn't be laughing or be happy because your older sibling is sad or has a problem. She would say things like oh don't you feel guilty, or how could you be enjoying this show on TV when your sister has this problem. This caused a lot of unreasonable expectation amongst us as siblings where even as grown ups if one of us is having hard time she would be expecting the other ones to not have a life of their own and be sad with her. It also caused us to interfere in each others life and decisions a lot because one person's problem was everyone's problem so we all tried to help resolve it. Of course you cant influence other people's decisions so either we would be bitter with each other or argue with one another over things like oh why don't you do this or do that. I am strong believer of the fact that the best gift that you can give your family is taking care of yourself so they have one less thing to worry about but because of the family culture I am always told that I put myself first or I think individualistic and not as a family, even when we are all over 30 and married. I really believe people need to respect each other boundaries even if you are siblings. If you can't too much closeness will do more harm than good.
I love your videos Tazzy Phe! I agree with you on a lot of what you said throughout the whole video especially “honesty is not always the best policy” and “venting is back biting”. I am mindful of when to share my two cents about my friends’ decisions. tbh more people need to step back and think before commenting on their friends’ life choices.
love listening to your ideas and point of views, honestly feels like a nice girls time + therapy! Keep doing what you're doing :)
I loved this video!! I appreciate how transparent you were about your past friendships, the way you spoke about it really shows your growth, sA.
This was such a good video!! Such good topics. I feel so heard.
Honestly relationships are NOT as disposable as people make them out to be.
You're so fun to listen to and you really go deep at the same time. Thank you for presenting such a quality content!
Thank you❤️ this was fantastic!
Such a good topic to talk about and loved hearing your views on this🙌🏾🔥
This is probably my favourite video of yours by far. You touched on so many things that resonate with me and made me caught an eye on flaws I might’ve overlooked. Thank you so much for this eye opener, love you Tazzy!!
My venting is usually to my therapist because traumaaaaaaaa~ except for recently with one coworker. And I'm trying to be better about it, but it's very frustrating when I have to pick up their slack.
I love your transparency when you discuss a topic .
Oh do they have also clothing now . I got 6 pairs from them when you mentioned it . I loved them .
loved this video, as always
3:37 - Tazzy tripping 😭😭😂😂 we love you sis mashaAllah thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s really important that we talk about friendships and how messy they are.
needed this. tysm.
I think venting can be beneficial for some ppl depending on the situation. For example, I've personally been dealing with a coworker whose been giving me unwarranted advice about several aspects of my life lately, and it's felt absolutely suffocating. She's older than me and has kids and a husband, and we both have very opposing views about having children, marriage, and what it means to be successful, especially at my age (late 20s). She's always giving advice to those around her at work, and it always makes me feel like I'm the bad guy bc I appear to be the only one who doesn't appreciate her advice...? I honestly felt like I was going crazy for a while there bc whenever she'd talk to me it would feel like she was belittling me and my choices, and I'd begun to feel self-doubt. It wasn't until I started to vent to my close friends about this situation that I finally felt validated about how I'd been feeling up till then, and it was thanks to their perspective that I was reminded of all of my own successes and how much I've struggled to get to where I am now in my life. My coworkers' words no longer held weight after that and my shoulders felt much lighter. I know that sometimes venting and ranting can have a negative connotation and involve saying words that can't be unsaid, but sometimes a person just wants to feel heard.
This was very insightful and I could hear my thoughts in your statements.
Couple of things:
I think the honesty part is a part of being vulnerable and it is a moment of trust building when you help see your friend another perspective… Brene Brown’s books are quite insightful, she has research on this topic and daring greatly is a good one to read and learn more
Secondly, I agree that the community building aspect is sadly lacking for a lot of us … empathy is so important and if you can’t understand the perspective of another human being , that is the definition of narcissistic behavior
I loved this video so much, I agree with the points you made about effort in friendships and constructive ways to express emotions. Take care and wish we could meet in person one day!
This was a fantastic video, mashallah. You are giving some solid advice that serves as a gentle reminder of our faith and just being a decent human. I loved you last point about venting, that’s how we justify speaking ill of others. Thank you for sharing 😌
Great topic. I need new friends. The reason is that I have changed drastically. I do not feel very compatible anymore with old friends. And I am too comfortable being alone even though I am social and I love to build bonds with people.
Every one of these meaningful videos is a joy to watch 😎🙏
U are an inspiration💙💙💙
The achievements and venting part!!!!
I'm 30, and this was very helpful to navigate my relationships with my friends! I would love to hear from you about how you feel marriage may have changed some relationships, or how you make friends!
I really wish you and I lived in the same city. Everything you talked about really resonated with me and I’ve also lost some friendships because of my impulses and emotional immaturity and it sounds like we’ve been through similar things. I feel like you and I would get along so well IRL
I also wanted to add on about the honesty thing. That depends on the situation. In some situations you can say “I’m concerned and this choice isn’t great for you. But whatever you choose I’m still your friend and I will always love you”
Your voice is so soothing
Late to the video here but just had to comment to say I deeply appreciated this video. Such great thoughts. thank you!!
you're the realest
that was deep, Tazzy , thank you *)))
Usefull video thank you 😍🙌🏾💯
Very true words about friendship indeed: like in any other relationship it's about giving and taking, of course without being treated badly in a toxic friendship. I don't have many childhood friends, because growing up in the Netherlands most children bullied me for wearing desi clothing (my parents were strict about that). And the few friends I did have, angered my parents as they were afraid I'd become "too western". There weren't many desi friends either, because the mantra of my parents was "log kya kahein gay?" and that meant you couldn't be yourself with most people and not really connect on that level that you need to become good friends who can share many important things (we weren't allowed to share many things).
This makes me appreciate the few friends I do have, whom I've known for decades in some cases, even more (I'm in my 40s). We've had our ups and downs and annoyed each other very much and our friendships survived all that. That's when you know it's a real friendship, when you don't drop each other immediately over anything.
I want to make friends now, i cut friends off they put alot effort in and i didnt as i am scared to put myself out there and be real me. Ive had alot of toxic friendships now i regret cutting them out.
Good for you! I remember cutting off so many people. Its a lonely experience and quite isolating. But you become your most authentic self!
@@ameerazetiamlee6853 True it can be quite lonely and depressing 😭 Definelty learnt to be happier in myself.
Your video motivated me to make lunch plans with my friends. You didn't talk about different personalities and how it doesn't come naturally for some people to make friends. I had many friends when I was in college but after we graduated, most got married and they would ask all these questions that why I am not getting married. It was very uncomfortable. I decided to continue my studies and moved to US. Since then I was never able to make friends again. I am not sure if we make friends in life or we just find a group of people to hangout with and when you get out of that circle, the "friendship" ends.
I think I’ll offer my opinion once but i won’t ever again. I apply the same with family and friendships. Just because you feel something isn’t right doesn’t mean you have to keep bringing it up to your friend. I don’t think you should be super supportive either. Just know whatever they do is their life.
10000000000000000000% yep on "venting."
A gret video!!!
please start a podcast on spotify
She has a podcast on Spotify...
@@jboj8430 well that was quick, thank you
@@xSanaaa No problem! I forgot to say that it's "Unfazed with TazzyPhe" 😃
As a convert to Islam I find it difficult to maintain friendships with certain groups of ladies coming from the South Asian diaspora. I’m from Chicago and it’s really competitive, I have introduced groups of people that didn’t know each other before and became friends. I would all of a sudden get excluded from the clique they have just formed and it’s seriously toxic af because they would not have known each other if it weren’t for me. I know all sorts of people from literally all walks of life, but for some reason Muslim women are definitely not easy to be friends with or be a part of their crew.
Lol they're no Pakistanis in Chicago. Those are a few urdu speakers
Most Pakistanis who are ethnic Pakistanis live in the UK
Pashtuns, Pahari and Mirpuri people.
Also name a persian male or female who has made in the western media with white followers?
Do you know Zayn Malik with 1 billion followers is a Pakistani.
Thank you soo much, it was helpful may Allah bless you in This life as well as in hereafter Ameen ✨
it is going good.
Now a days, if I need to vent about someone, ill tell my therapist, or I will talk to someone who doesnt know who im talking about (and most likely wont ever meet them).
I agree with what you said
I love your channel. You’re drop
Venting and backbiting is the same. People do this to me and I hate this.
Did you stop posting the episodes on apple podcast ?
Wow I wish I had what you have. I also don’t have any extended family where I am, often feel like an only child. Have always wanted a big group of accepting friends, but people have always come and gone in my life. Have always felt like I’ve given my all to friendships but haven’t gotten reciprocated back, so I had to let go of chasing after people. If I get married I’ll probably just have 2 guests from my side lol.
Lol.
That's a unique selling point.
Growth ♥️
Glad ur enjoying ur cute mugs girl! @0:05
Where can I find your podcasts?
Hi Mam, hows ur eyes now after prk. Do you have any halos or starbust at night?
❤❤❤
What would you say about toxic parents and siblings?
I understood how toxic my parents and siblings were after marriage .
I'm having such a hard time specially, with my parents even through I still love them
Only thing on their mind is money.
So basically you're saying it's too late for me (28y) okay thank you 😭
i love the color of your hijab
Hi there! 😀
I wish I could stay in my hometown where homes go for 1m+..that narrative is so odd to me
I have no friends
Sometimes i get angry at my life
yes!!! i will say its hard to be proud of some accomplishment and not come off as showing off. :( I made a tiktok to show my hauls bc I couldn't share it with my friends.
😐😑😐
life!? it's in memorium... what?
You're definitely right about being selfish about time. Family comes first along with the few friends I have. I don't really have time for new friends.
I disagree. I think the ability to vent and get things off your chest is a good thing. Instead of suppressing it and letting it fester inside.
I don’t think venting is good either
Just curious, did all your friends who became like a family were Muslims?
Lol you havent missed anything with extended families in pakistan or usa or uk-their mostly desi with desi views and opinions and their ideology works in the pind but not with your life
I enjoy ed my life and did it my way and not what was expected from you
I got rid of my desi brit born friends due to their self inferior complexities
Haram to Halal ratio 😂😂😂
It’s good you’re such a social person. Really interesting person. Why can’t you stop being pathetic and start focusing on kids and husband. You don’t need to obsess over random people.
Just cut the toxic people out of your life-i find it no problem to cut someone out of my life-
So, you live in Colorado?
You attended Muslim schools in America where most of your teachers must have been immigrants, so how did you learn and improve your English? Please correct me if I am wrong.
Man this is a very feminine comments section.😹
U need to stop using the word like too many times