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A good chunk of aita stories on reddit seem to be from put upon women wondering if they're bad partners for not letting their bfs/husbands treat them like dog sh*t.
When I see so many posts like this, it’s absurdly depressing until I think about how many people are being empowered by the information and community online to leave these relationships. Hopefully people will be much better off after years or decades of that influence. In the past people in these relationships probably had so much less support available without the internet
Way back when I was still in the sauce I would absolutely post on Reddit looking to see if I was the bad one. It’s not put upon women. It’s women who are in abusive toxic relationships that have been so beaten down and confused that they no longer realize their own reality anymore. It’s a terrible and scary place to be. When everyone around you is telling you that you are the problem you seek outside perspective. Some people are surrounded by sharks who want nothing more than to eat away at the one they can sink their teeth into. But I’m definitely projecting right now 😂😂😂
@@dontjudgemycuriosityexactly. Honestly it was social media and RUclips specifically that opened my eyes and made me see what was real. I have been in a terrribly abusive relationship for the last 12 years. Still trying to get out. But because he stopped hitting I thought it was ok. I also came from a horribly abusive background. So basically I’ve never experienced true intimacy or love that wasn’t couched in violence and misery. I thought they went together. It wasn’t until I started watching videos online that I could see it was a pattern of behavior. RUclips saved my life for real.
That's so sad and frustrating at the same time, and I am sure many of them "just so happen to be" isolated from friendships they could trust. So they have to rely on reddit of all places to find comfort or fully grasp the harm their partner caused.
Unless there is an odor problem in the classroom, the hygiene of the students is none of the professor's goddamn business. The students are adults and can take care of themselves. Stay in your lane.
Exactly this. I once had a teacher say it was gross that I hadn't showered that morning before coming to class. I do a lot of physical, outdoor work, so I shower in the evening in order not to track all that dirt, sweat, and allergens into my bed -- but also, _Sir!_ If you couldn't tell I hadn't showered that morning until it came up in conversation, then how can you act like I'm tangibly dirty now? _You literally couldn't tell!_
Exactly the student hygiene is none their business unless it disrupts class an even if it does the correct way would be to talk with the student privately, not in front of all the fucking class
Yep. I know showering every day isn't an issue for everyone, and even those that do don't have to wash their hair every day. The only time a teacher stepped in was when one person in class was wearing his boots that he worked on a pig farm in to school all the time, and that teacher waited for weeks before he said something. It was honestly so awful being in class with that guy but I didn't want to say anything initially since sometimes you can't help if you smell now and then.
i compared this story to my own life, where my mom is usually the only one cooking by her own choice. on days when shes sick, my dad always picks up food for her. OP’s husband can’t even pick up food for her? that’s stupidity.
About household chores like cooking: I moved in with my (single) dad when I was 12, and he wouldn't cook either. I had to learn everything by myself, or eat TV dinners every single day. Sometimes I would be so tired I would just starve myself. He only started cooking last year, 17 years later, because I went back to uni and didn't have time to cook for us anymore. He would say the same thing as the first guy "I can't cook, I'm bad at it, nobody likes my food" and so on. Well, it turns out that once he was forced to cook, he found he actually enjoys it. He started watching cooking shows, buying all sorts of spices, trying new things. So when able-bodied adults say they "can't cook", what I hear is "I've never been in a situation where I could either cook or starve".
On the other hand, I’ve tried cooking for my partner as a suprise and have given him raw chicken twice. (Bless him for letting me try again when I thought I got it) but I also meal plan so he knows what to cook and how much we need (in case leftovers are needed or what not)
about the hair thing; not only do people's hair types have different needs, but you also never know what someone's health situation is. when i was in college i was on a dance team, and i showered every day because i spent hours sweating in the gym learning dances. after i left university, my chronic illness got worse, and now standing in the shower can be really difficult if i'm in a flare up. sometimes i can't brush my hair or teeth. as an outsider you should always choose kindness, you never know what's going on in the lives of others
was looking for a comment like this. a teacher should never single out a student in front of the class like that, even with just a stare. something similar happened to me in elementary about food. its been like 15 years and i will never forget that. like you said, you have no idea what someone is going through. also, some people dont need to wash their hair every day! edit: holy shit this story happened when this person was in college??? ive never met a professor who gives that much of a damn
Yeah same for me! I don't shower every day, if I do, I have a shower stool to sit on and honestly some days showering is all I have energy for. It is totally normal to not shower every day. A lot of doctors even recommend 2/3x a week if you are not working out or sweating, since it is better for your skin.
@@bre4820 This 100% I have a shower stool and it is a lifesaver. Before it I would struggle to get myself to shower monthly. Physical health + depression made it really hard as when I was mentally up to it I wasn't always physically up to it and vice versa. Now that I have one, even though my physical health has declined further, I am capable of showering at least weekly. Additionally, before I had to keep my glasses on while I showered because they aided my balance. This not only got me criticized, but sometimes meant I damaged them because it increased the likelihood of rusting and I had to clean the lenses more often. Now I don't because I am firmly planted. *To anyone interested in a shower stool,* if you get a plastic one a lot of people, including myself, recommend putting a towel down on it before showering as the texture can be rough and grip the grip poor, but a towel seems to solve both these. I personally have a teak shower stool now and love it, but it was more expensive. If you decide to go for any non-plastic one just make sure to research it, but here is a brief overview of what I remember from when I researched it. Bamboo can mold, but is more budget friendly. Teak needs teak oil to maintain about yearly. Built in ones have unique problems depending on material, but the overall issues are they can be more uncomfortable, are more expensive, and causes water to pool. My personal grief with built in ones it that they cannot be moved, obviously, meaning you can't take it with you if you move or go on a road trip. Edit: Spelling and markdown error
The whole "white ppl are disgusting" hygiene olympics on social media made me feel awful. I am disabled. Having a shower is so difficult for me. I have only recently been able to develop a technique that works for me to cleanse everyday. Before that I was cleansing every day, but it was a bed-bath so not as much. But even then I have to sit on my stool and I have a big bowl of soapy water and a bowl of clear water and I sit and use a sponge and soap my arms and body. Then I use the clear bowl to rinse myself off. It is hard, and all these "I'm so much cleaner than you" competitions just end up making me feel so much less than.
Literally thought: “if you’re ignorant with no emotional intelligence, just say that!” It’s gross that someone in this position would think “let me make this a lecture for the entirety of the class” rather than “let me find an opportunity to speak to this student individually and find out if they are ok”. Why is it your first thought to be self righteous and say “you’re gross”??? On what planet was that meant to be effective?! Even if the student had none of that going on and just decided to not shower or wash their hair everyday just cause - ON WHAT PLANET WOULD THAT APPROACH MAKE THEM WANT TO CHANGE THAT?!?
RE “teacher called me disgusting” this is wrong if it was just a person to person thing, but especially coming from an adult that’s supposed to be an educator, it’s awful. i used to work at a group home for teens and my supervisor one time shamed this one girl in front of everyone for not showering everyday. she had a skin condition and her doctor told her to literally not shower every single day. it’s just not really cool to make fun of people for their hygiene choices ever. you really have no clue what’s actually going on.
I agree. It was completely uncalled for! If I had an instructor treat me like that, I would immediately drop the class and report it. Instructors like that are just unreal, how do they justify being nasty when people are paying to be there?! The only disgusting thing is the person humiliating a student in front of the whole class like that. I would lose it on them omg
Also like, disgusting??? For not washing their hair with soap?? That's just silly. If they couldn't tell anything until she said something they should shut the fuck up about it. If you're not a friend coming in with concern you shouldn't be saying anything in the first place
That's so cruel! And it's really not actually good to shower every day, and especially not use soap on your hair every day. Everyone's hair is different. I actually have a friend whose hair is so dry and frizzy that she legitimately only washes it once monthly. But she doesn't suffer from any hygiene issues! You wouldn't even notice if she didn't tell you. People really don't get a say in how others manage their hygiene. You can make gentle suggestions but what this teacher and class did is unacceptable.
I agree 100%. I can't shower everyday thanks to my skin condition. I shower every other day and clean the "smelly" parts with a wash cloth the days I don't. My hair is fine with not being washed everyday either. It doesn't get greasy that quickly.
This is so true. Also, if you are worried someone smells say something in privacy and I would only bother to do that if it was someone I’m close friends with. A nurse I worked with was complaining about one of the medical residents having BO and I was like yeah I’ve noticed but other people have told her about it. Who knows what she has going on. I told the nurse that I would be really mad at her if she says something. She ended up not saying anything but I’m like, it’s been addressed so don’t push it any further.
The first Reddit poster should just cook for themselves. Never cook enough for the husband to have a single bite. See how long it takes him to cook for himself
This is what I was saying. I would only cook my portion and that mf could smell how good the food is but never get a bite lol. Eventually, something will change
It shouldn't have to come down to that. They need to talk, and she needs to communicate that him contributing more to the household is as much his responsibility as it is also an act of love. If he isn't willing to do that, then she just needs to leave (because not helping is him communicating that he really doesn't love her all that much). Her refusing to cook for him would be a form of punishment and that quickly turns into tit for tat punishments from both sides, as well as growing resentment.
@@arianam6430seriously, if you are already considering playing passive aggressive games, it's not a battle worth fighting. They care about your feelings or they don't.
@@arianam6430i agree with the communication thing bc if thats not enough to get him to start then hes not worth being with however i dont think cooking for herself is punishment. its not like shes starving him. ge could easily eat cereal or go buy ready to eat food. if she was his mother or something and he didnt have the money to buy food id agree but yea.
as a licensed cosmetologist (over 6 years), the reason you’re not meant to wash your hair every day is because of the natural oils from your scalp. your hair does need the oil to coat the entire strand to maintain the health and strength of the strand. if you wash your hair every day, you’re stripping the oils too quickly and it can leave the hair brittle and more prone to breakage. while im on my soapbox, you shouldn’t use 2 in 1 because shampoo and conditioner do two separate jobs that really shouldn’t be combined. shampoo opens the hair strand and strips the oils off while conditioner closes the strand and smooths and softens it. it’s not really a job that can be combined when they don’t do the same thing. OP in the second story is right in not washing their hair everyday ! as a curly hair dude, i don’t either, especially when the structure of curly hair makes it weaker compared to that of wavy or straight. if my curls are looking bad, i use water to try and fix them. op could also be using dry shampoo in between washes, which is what we recommend for people to do in between washes if they get too oily. every head of hair is different so needs of the hair (wet products, frequency of washing, etc.) differs from person to person.
How good is dry shampoo for hair? I've always been told it would dry it out/damage it terribly, but it's possible this information was outdated (or people might just not know what they're talking about, lol).
@@eyesofthecervino3366I’m pretty sure it’s not the best thing in the world to use. From what I understand it can mess with your scap since it leaves a residue. And if you doo it too long and too often it can cause irritation. I was told to always use powder. Avoiding washing your hair and using a powder or braids it’s really good. So I feel it would be the same thing. But I was told not to use it because it makes your hair hard to brush through and that can cause breakage and dandruff. So I guess maybe brush hair before dry shampoo and not use it too often?
I'm not a professional but I'm really into hair care and i believe yes it will and also using very hot water for hair leads to split end lasty brushing wet hair and brushing ur hair too harshly also leads to split ends hope this helps @@cerippopy
Why is it that whenever a wife on reddit says her husband does chores, the chores are always just taking out the trash and mowing the lawn? It's always those 2. And seriously how often do they need doing? Once a week? Also as a picky eater, it's my responsibility to deal with it, not the restaurant. Will I ask for changes? Sometimes but I always make sure to consider how easy it would be to make the change. Like leaving coleslaw or a garnish off is fine but asking for a sauce without an ingredient is not. I also don't like certain types of potatoes so I regularly ask for fries instead but ONLY if I have already checked and know they serve them as a side. I don't want to be a bother to anyone other than myself. Picky people like in these stories only make things worse for people like me
If it helps, I am on Reddit and my partner does the cooking (I’ve accidentally given him raw chicken twice😅) gets the cat litter, and does the luandry all while working. I do most of the picking up but he takes the tasks I HATE the most. When I complained about the dishes, he got me a countertop one (we don’t have room for a large one) and I think he likes it more than I ever will. He also kills any and all bugs and helps if I ask for ANYTHING. In trade, I let him play video games for hours everyday
This is such a classic chore distribution in these couples, right? Taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and feeding the cat probably takes the same amount of time per week as cooking a full meal and doing the dishes for 1-2 nights. And I’m sure she does other chores too.
i'm picky (partially due to a history of some food sensitivities, partially just autism) and most of us are really not that bad. it's insane how many people in stories like these don't just have some fallback orders for restaurants. every picky person i know (myself included) just checks first to make sure the place we're going has chicken tenders, grilled cheese, burgers, whatever safe food we wanna order, or we check if there's something we can make a few small customizations to (no tomato on the sandwich, guac on the side, swap mashed potatoes for fries or chips, etc.) it's usually no big deal. it's baffling to me how many people can't manage to do that when so many neurodivergent kids and kids w allergies have been doing this for decades w little to no issues.
This is exactly how I am going out to eat as a picky eater. I have my safe foods that I try to look for at every restaurant (usually pasta or chicken) and try to pick something where I need to ask for little to none removals/substitutions. I don't want to be an annoying customer 😂
@@jk-jl2lo Yeah, it is insane. The fact I can do it with memory issues, anxiety problems, and a disorder that makes it so I can't always speak, but they can't makes me realize just how ridiculous it is. The only thing I can think of is maybe those of us with a disorder are used to needing to accommodate ourselves, so we just go out of our way to make sure that there won't be issues. If that isn't it then I don't know what is. Then again there are plenty of picky people without any health issues and they are fine, so maybe this person is just weird.
I actually had a P.E. Teacher single me out for the B.M.I./Obesity chapter. We had to sit together and the teacher was explaining what B.M.I. Is and what stages of overweight/obesity and she looked at me the entire time she spoke about obesity. I started getting looks from other classmates it was so noticeable. Then we had to run a mile for the rest of the class, and I was so depressed over it that I walked it for the first time ever. I remember this beautiful “popular” girl felt so bad about it that she actually walked with me the entire way and ignored the teacher yelling at us to run and “pick up your feet girls!”. The teacher pulled me aside when we finished and she looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I want to help you get in shape”. If you wanted to help you shouldn’t have ostracized me in front of my peers. 😂 I’m no longer obese and I am “In shape” now, but I definitely didn’t lose weight the healthy way - after years of bullying, the teacher was the cherry on top. Really fucked me up for a while. What’s wild is I did sooo many sports and had no issue with physical activity. I was just always a plump kid. She just assumed I was fat and lazy because of my size. I’ve also had a teacher yell at me for bringing a donut and chocolate milk for snack time without “bringing enough for everyone”. But it was frequent that others would have Starbucks, McDonald’s, and other special things brought in for snack and lunch only for themselves. This teacher was always “hard on me” for no reason and she felt so bad that at the end of the year party she brought me in front of the parents and class and gave me a public apology. Tears and everything. I remember her speech. “I was always so hard on this little girl because I see so much potential in her.” Is that not always the excuse? If I had a teacher call me disgusting in front of everyone, undoubtedly I would feel so hurt. Why are teachers like this? Watch what you say to kids! Your words are so impactful.
it doesnt really help that the bmi is a very shitty way to determine if you're healthy or not, since fat distribution can look different. also it doesnt differentiate between muscle or fat. i tried doing it on the rock and it says hes obese when hes like mostly muscle.
I've always been thick thighed, and I was bullied, so bad at school for not being stick thin. I looked back at photos recently from that time when I believed I was horribly overweight and realised I was healthy, but people made me believe that I was not a healthy weight. Even now I really struggle with perception around my body.
@@vainpiers So sorry to hear that. Kids are so cruel. It might be a stretch, but I really hope these types of discussions help the younger generations to be kinder and more thoughtful. It will make such a difference.
I had the reverse situation almost. I was underweight for my high school years, and every gym teacher I had assumed that because I was thin and they could see the muscle I had, that my being poor at sports was because I didn't put in effort. I've found out in the years since that I have several issues that make sports harder for me - my balance is off, hyper flexibility of the spine, issues with oxygen circulation - and even though I talked about these things, because I was thin, people assumed I was healthy, lazy and overdramatic. It really sucks that people make assumptions based off of weight - I know my life would have been much improved if those assumptions had not been made, and I'm pretty sure the same goes for many. I hope that you're doing better now.
As a fellow child of neglect who was also bullied for poor hygiene, I feel for OP in that second story. It’s not anyone else’s business and if this due to genuine concern for the OP, the teacher should have pulled them aside and addressed it one on one. I still only wash my hair once a week, you can train your hair (I guess depending on the person) to not get so oily as quickly. Gahhh, why do people have to suck.
Same. I did kind of stink from sweating at times but I was also neglected, would get headaches from the scents of deodorants, and was fairly confident I was allergic to the aluminum in deodorant. This was before they had good aluminum free options and ones that don't have atrociously strong scents which I now use. It's sad how many people suffer in silence while getting bullied for such inconsequential things.
same, I still really struggle with hygiene to the point it is sometimes a problem (showering is really tough for me so I don't always manage more than once a week and just use wet wipes between). But bullying someone publicly isn't going to help that. The professor could have pulled them aside and even given them hair advice or asked if they could support them. But bullying isn't the solution
my boyfriend makes the same jokes as the last guy, but when i say its gone too far he apologizes and doesnt do it again... there's no excusing that last guy lol
I swear to the goddess every single post like these about romantic relationships is a woman saying "my bf is absolutely great and I love him except when he [insert overwhelmingly awful red flag here], AIO for wanting to leave him???" GIRL GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE IF YOU CAN DO IT SAFELY
@@solus8685 True, left my ex cause one month into the relationship he kept saying, "So many women are after me but i chose you" in different ways and once even verbatim. And then called me dramatic and sensitive when i broke up over this. Messed me up for quite a while thinking I was overreacting, but looking back it was the right move.
Like if anything, he should be more able to cook because he has more experience. He's been an adult longer than she has. Forcing someone who is in pain or has an ED to cook just because you didn't bother to teach yourself to cook or even make pizza rolls, you are the worst.
And honestly, even someone who can't cook at all. We have THE INTERNET. There's a million resources to get detailed information on how to make easy meals.
@@DahlilyThere are quite literally no excuses! Go online and search for a recipe you have ingredients for, there are even sites you can input the ingredients you do have and it will show you what you can make with them! I'm no Michelin star chef and neither is my hubby but we can both follow instructions and make a healthy, well rounded meal to feed ourselves.
I have to assume if you can't even figure out how to microwave a cup of ramen you're doing it on purpose. You can teach a goldfish more complicated tricks than that.
And also, does he not have the drive or desire to learn? I thought guys despise feeling useless? He could start by shadowing his wife in the kitchen, learn from her, and gain those skills while also bonding in the kitchen AND helping her. It seems so simple!
Fr even if you have routines or agreed upon tasks, sometimes you need to "fill in" for your partner who is stressed, sick, in pain, busier than usual etc. It's called being considerate.
The 2nd one genuinely pisses me off, I'm Hispanic and have textured hair, and I get similar reactions as OP does when people find out I only wash my hair twice a week. It's not like I'm dirty, I shower every night, and I can't wash my hair every day or else it gets super dry and falls out like crazy. I am also a child of neglect so I understand them not knowing how to take care of themselves, hell I learned at 15 how to properly brush and floss my teeth. They are not overreacting in the slightest, everyone is different and everyone's story is different, just because they haven't figured it all out at 22 doesn't make them any less human.
I'm Latina and I used to wash my hair every other day. I stopped when I dyed my hair to make the color last long and that's when I found out that my hair prefers to be washed 1-2 times a week like you. Before then, my hair used to be oily and get dandruff. Now I'm able to use normal shampoos and my hair doesn't become oily until the 4 day mark.
Often when people say "I can't cook" they seem to think every meal has to be some elaborate dish like you see on TV. Or maybe they think there is some serious skill behind tossing a few burgers in a pan, baking some potatoes and cut some veggies for a salad.
you can also simplify most recipies. my mom started cooking bacon and hamburgers in the oven instead of on a pan and last time she made meatballs she but the mixture into a mote and into the oven instead of wasting time making individual balls. you can even buy pre cut or shredded veggies and pre boiled potatoes to make things even easier
My one friend's ex is a chef, and she would always make very complex dishes while he lacked the same skills as someone who didn't go to culinary school. She would still get so upset that she would put so much effort and energy into making meals while he would make simple dishes that only took half an hour to cook. She demanded that he put more work into cooking because she felt that she was putting more into the relationship in regards to her elaborate meals.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. We don’t live together yet but when we first got together he ate like shit and barely cooked anything he couldn’t microwave. Literally I blew the guys mind when I told him we could sauté chickpeas. Instead of just saying he “can’t cook” he asked me if I could show him how to make some basic things and I did. Ever since then it’s been a whole new world for him. He’s started looking up recipes for things he wants to make, watches videos and still asks for my input or help sometimes. The point is, he asked for help, learned something and has ran with it. I’m still the better cook and I still prefer to do more cooking for us, but I like that he’ll offer and make dinner sometimes when we’re together too.
That's how I know when something is leaned helplessness or weaponized incompetence. If I offer for us to figure it out together, work as a team or experiment to learn what works for us and he stonewalls me then it's a symptom of the above. Therapy and communication sessions help a lot. Sometimes we have to work through big feelings. We get through it. We help one another heal. It's really tough sometimes. I also have a chronic illness. In the beginning I would handle most of the domestic stuff. As my MS got worse those codependent patterns were challenged. Thanks you for listening. I got a lot of value from your comment. I feel like I can relate in many ways. We've been married for 16 years. The willingness for us to work through issues, love and support one another has gotten us through. I wish you the best in your life and relationships. Sounds like y'all are on the right track.
The Last story was kinda triggering to me. My ex also used to "jokingly" mock me all the time, like take bad photos, but I wasn't allowed to take same kind of photos of him, commenting my appearance or even getting physically ab**ive as a "game". And if I asked him to stop he would mock me for that or give an empty promise to stop. Either this couple had different senses of humour or she dodged a bullet.
I have the same sense of humour as the guy from the last story except my partners actually enjoy it. The fact your ex wasn’t allowing you to take ugly pictures of him just shows it wasn’t a joke, it wasn’t meant to be funny for you, it was abuse and I’m sorry this happened to you. The way this type of humour can work is by respecting your partner’s limits, mocking yourself, allowing the other to participate and making absolutely sure your partner knows what it is you love about them. Do I have ugly pictures of my partner, yes. Do I also have two framed stunning photos of him in my bedroom, yes. Are there a thousand of ugly pictures of myself too, yes. There is no doubt I think he’s gorgeous, so there’s no harm in these ridiculous pictures because I make sure he knows this isn’t how I actually see him, those are just dumb meaningless pictures we can both laugh at.
RE the first one: I'm autistic (and 17) so I struggle with things especially using the oven, but right now (still learning) I can still cook basic things like scrambled eggs and pasta, I know its not much but its more than that grown adult who (I think if there was a good reason they would have mentioned it) should be able to cook!
Also autistic and late diagnosed ADHD. I didn't learn to cook untilI my ADHD was being treated because I was terrified of starting a fire because it was that hard to focus. If there were reasons, it's possible he didn't mention them because he doesn't talk about stuff (this can be a problem people have) BUT he's a grown ass adult whose responsible for his own communication and wellbeing regardless. tldr; Whatever his problem is, it's his responsibility to deal with instead of expecting his SO to carry for him while he refuses to acknowledge it as a problem.
It’s not that he never thought to try to learn to cook like an adult. It’s that he believes he should never have to learn because someone else will be there to take care of that for him.
I think each partner in a relationship is entitled to 1 chore that they absolutely will not do. For me its the dishes. I have mild germophobia and i cant stand washing dishes. If i do have to i MUST use a brand new sponge, wear gloves and bleach the entire sink before starting. I know im weird. But i think cooking is the one exception. Its something everyone should know how to do. No excuses. You wouldnt ask your partner to brush your teeth for you everyday or put gas in your car for you. Its something that you have to do for your self as an adult. Even if you only cook once a month thats fine but you need to do it sometimes.
I think the "aggression as humor" that a lot of guys are raised into can make it difficult to understand where the line is. Like, you know how some people will get so deep in irony that they can't tell how they really feel? That, but with shock-jock style crudeness. I genuinely believe that he doesn't conciously mean anything by it, but he still needs to learn how easily that sort of joke can be hurtful, regardless of intent.
I have a similar sense of humor. Basically the humor of a boy in middle school but without all the racism, sexism, and just straight up harassment that tends to come with it. So I definitely understand why he would have thought that would've been funny, but like, with your partner?? That early in a relationship just out of nowhere??? That's something I'll do with friends, and I agree he probably didn't mean anything by it. But not only should he learn that jokes can be hurtful, he probably shouldn't use that type of humor in a relationship in general? Maybe he'll find a girl who's okay with that, but it just feels really uncalled for and rude regardless to say towards your partner of all people.
Holy shit. Imagine being in college- nevermind a college PROFESSOR- and still thinking you need to wash your hair every day. I GARUNTEE you half of those students don't wash their hair every time either.
That is what makes the story shocking. Like, where did this happen? I don’t know a single girl who think you have to shampoo (or even wash) your hair everyday. Especially a college-aged girl. And I really doubt that even the boys feel that way. So, the students who joined in on calling it disgusting were likely just bullying for the sake of bullying.
@@YellaBellaReno But put yourself in the context of a vulnerable student who has to either pretend the professor is right, or get singled out in front of the class as well.
it BAFFLES ME the amount of bullshit women will put up with for the sake of being in a relationship. like... you cannot convince me these women are actually happy, they just don't want to be alone. but the peace that comes with singlehood is worth so much more than the scraps these dudes are bringing to the table. love yourself; dump him.
My take is many women are unhappy. I know very little couples in real life who have a good dynamics where they seem like they understand and respect each other. I’m in the camp that people want to be in relationship so badly that they sacrifice themselves.
the first example is a prime reason on why people shouldn’t rush in their lives and shouldn’t get married so early. hopefully she left the relationship…
For the “is my boyfriend a narcissist” one… girl… wym should I stay with him??? He doesn’t like you!!! That’s wild and depressing that someone would endure that and wonder if that bully of a boyfriend is into them. Idk if he’s a narcissist, I’ll leave that to the professionals, but he’s definitely more into himself than you! Stand UP!!!
Hot take?: you do not have to shower EVERY day? I have eczema so basically the problem you have with your hair, i have with my skin, even when i use lotion after every shower, so my default is showering every other day, unless i am sweating a lot or getting dirty or eating too much greasy food lol etc. I also have adhd and depression that causes me struggle with the motivation to self care sometimes, but i can't stand smelling bad so if it gets to that point it will push me to shower as soon as i notice. I've never understood why ppl push showering every day as a necessity. Like if i haven't done much and didn't work up a sweat and also don't feel greasy then i see no problem with skipping a day every so often at least. Some people act like they've literally never gone a day in their life without showering and clutch their pearls at the thought of it, but here in reality stuff happens and sometimes you run out of time in the day, or don't feel the need or want to, or for some reason don't have easy access to a shower.
exactly man the concept of washing yourself absolutely every day is so strange to me because where i'm from or at least in my family nobody even suggests that? even now i do shower every day usually because i personally need to and every now and again my mom is like hey didn't you shower yesterday? were you exercising or something?
I just found out I have a running gene trait in my family that means I sweat less than the average person, or it's harder for me to sweat. I heard it from my grandma when it was hot outside and I said "nah I like this weather, it's nice, not too hot just yet". My grandma said she is the same and that it's a family trait. My dad was sweating buckets so he did not get that trait. I can stand heat up to about 30 C, that's when I start to sweat. But both my dad and mom was complaining about how hot it was at 25 C.
Right??? I feel like climate plays a huge factor too! I live in sweden and during winters I can shower my body every three days no problem unless I work out, in summers its every other day and if I travel to spain or something it’s so warm I have to shower at least once per day, sometimes twice
this!!!! narcissism is an actual personality disorder and should be treated as such. not all narcissists are abusers and definitely not all abusers are narcissists
my biggest pet peeve as a psych student is unfiltered therapy speak like this. like narcissistic personality disorder is a real thing!! just because someone has NPD, it doesn’t mean they’re going to be an abuser.
@@katemartin113 I have covert npd lol. I won't lie and say I haven't been a shitty person, or that I never have relapses into seriously toxic behaviors, but like. I'm a specific kind of mentally ill abuse victim. It takes time to not even relearn, straight up LEARN the safe and kind behaviors and coping mechanisms, when it was the toxic ones that got me through life from first coherence til getting to relative safety. Many were TAUGHT to me. It's unfair to ask me to flip a switch and be like everybody else. That will never happen and we have a lot of different abusers to thank for that. Maybe we should start putting the "blame"(if we have to place any) for REAL narcissism on the people who created it: the victims abusers. More psych students like you, please. There's too many ableist psychs out there right now who dont believe in some disorders or treat others horribly and buy into popular bigotries about others. Keep going. We need you.
@@katemartin113Narcissist is a broader term than just NPD. When I say narcissist I mean a person who's narcissistic, I couldn't care less what their diagnosis is. I learned to recognize narcissistic people because they're innately more likely to reply trauma and abuse me. Someone asking if someone is a narcissist isn't saying every narcissist is a person with NPD and abusive, they're asking if they're correct in seeing the signs of narcissistic abuse. It's a specific situation to be found in and having the words to describe it is important. Yes, the terms are overused. But someone literally asking is trying to figure out if the term is appropriate anyways so it's kind of confusing to make that an issue here.
@@katemartin113I think it’s because sometimes people have behaviors that don’t feel comfortable enough to term as “abuse” it feels like too harsh a word. I had a former friend who sexually harrassed me, practiced triangulation against their exes, stalked people, and gaslit me when I spoke out. I didn’t feel “they’re an abuser/they abused me” quite fit right, and seemed like overreacting. So to explain that they had narcissistic manipulative behavior was the only way I felt I could explain it. Abuse feels too strong and you fear being told you’re overreacting or shadowing real victims, but we need a word to use to easily explain what’s happening without having to explain the whole complicated story. But I agree with your point.
Shampoo is for removing hair oils and product. Brushes and combs are for dealing dirt, debris, and knots. Water, fine tooth wooden combs, bristle brushes, and hair powder(both modern and historical) are all methods outside of shampoo that can remove/better distribute hair oil. Shampoo is not essential to hygiene, it's not essential to nice smelling hair either. You can use conditioners and hair oils for specific smells. If you have a lot of dandruff, I'd recommend a fine tooth comb and/or maybe a bristle brush. If you have a lot of grease at the top but dryer ends, I'd recommend a wooden comb(preferably finer tooth) and/or a bristle brush(especially boar bristle). If you get greasy quickly, especially when you're at the point you need to shampoo daily, try washing your hair brush from time to time as hair oil can build up on it, and can get added back in. A bit of shampoo and warm water can both lint and oil off of your brush.
I would be reporting that teacher. I'm not going thousands upon thousands of dollars into debt to get bullied by you, I would've called that teacher out so hard. Dude, god does not put me in these situations for a reason holy shit
Obviously it is none of the lecturer's business, but I bet the college would want to know so they can get them some HR training now, before they get the university sued . I feel it is pretty well known by now that different types of hair require different care, and also that 'unbiased rules on hair' has been historically used for racism.
Fun fact: you’re actually not supposed to shower every day! It’s bad for your skin, as our skin has natural oils that’s part of the protective barrier that most soap strips away. 3-4 times a week is usually fine.
@@sashalynn6087 that sucks and i'm glad the showering helps. wondering if you might have an allergic reaction to clothing detergents that makes it worse? just a suggestion if you haven't considered that.
@GodheadNee It's weird, it only shows up after the end of the next day if I don't shower daily. I should probably talk to a dermatologist about it. Just gotta remember to call, damn AHDH brain.
The last guy really feels like the guy is reading some "negging" posts, or whatever the current equivalent is, "make your girl feel insecure so she'll never leave you!"
Im a pyrophobic and have an anxiety disorder. One time I almost set my house on fire while cooking a grilled cheese. I didn't cook for MONTHS but I realized that other people in my household aren't physically able to cook and so I had to bite the bullet and try to cook again. I still don't like it but I realized that its not as bad as I though it was and that i could find things that were easier and less scary to cook. It always feels better to have faced your fears instead of letting them ruin your life and relationships. That guy is just making excuses, even if he does have a genuine fear.
20:08 I think I love this. Lobster ravioli without the ravioli. What's next? Soup without the bowl? Pie without the crust? The ravioli is the container for the meat. If you want lobster just ask for lobster.
Story about the pregnant woman and the food karen family, I understand wanting/needing things to be a certain way with your food, I've got a touch of the tism and I CONSTANTLY apologize for me asking for whatever but changing your order 20 mins after you already ordered something? And a lot of places these days now refuse to do customizations to their dishes barring an allergy bc of the karen mom
Its also kinda privileged to assume someone can have a shower every single day. My shower didn't work for a long time and i had to go to my moms house. It wasnt even that far, but it still kept me from bathing as much as i would have wanted to. I can only imagine living in your car or an old house or something
I have curly hair that tends to be super dry, so I only shampoo it once a week or once every week and a half. I’ve gotten off handed comments from people I’ve mentioned it to before. Everyone’s hair needs are different, so I’ve never understood the judgement. If it works for your hair and you’re being hygienic, then I don’t see the issue
Same, I have hip-length curly hair. My hair washing routine takes like 45 minutes at least, and it takes at least 4 hours to completely air dry. I only do it once a week. If I washed my hair every day, it would get so dry and brittle, there’s no way it would have gotten as long as it has.
@@violetsnotroses3640 I’ve been sick for a couple weeks now, so I washed my hair for the first time yesterday in a little over 2 weeks. Even with a heavy conditioner, my hair was so dry that I had to add oil to the ends. People can say what they want, but I will never wash my hair daily or even every other day. That’s basically just asking for my hair to break off.
girl let that man eat cereal for every single meal forever, he deserves nothing more ETA: he can buy takeout to feed you if he refuses to cook the food himself. he can provide you a meal sometimes, it's supposed to be give/take
Hey, respectfully, I think you might have put the wrong one in your comment by mistake. You probably meant to put NTA [not the asshole]. But instead, you put ETA, which means everyone in the situation is the/an asshole.
@@Shingo-ok1lz the proper acronym used in AITA when everyone is indeed an asshole is “ESH” which means “everyone sucks here”. ETA means a couple of things depending on the situation, and in this one means “edited to add”.
13:12 I’ve read in multiple places that it can be detrimental to shower every day with certain skin types. I don’t know the truth to it, but I’ve definitely met people who don’t smell until several days have gone by
it can be detrimental to use soap every day in the shower for certain skin types, yes. but everyone should be washing their armpits, gooch, and asshole every single day with soap.
Yes. A certain percentage of humans don't sweat or only sweat in extremes (high heat, stress, etc.), which means their skin starts out dry and doesn't recover from having oil stripped from it easily. I'm one of those people. If I showered every day, I'd have scaly lizard skin. I already have to carefully lotion my hands every day to keep them from drying out from normal handwashing.
Even if you start to smell, I've read from skin doctors you can shower every day if you need to and only use soap in your pits, crotch and crack, basically whatever folds you have. Of course you’re free to soap up head to toe like every other day or whatever.
Cooking is absolutely a life skill instead of womans work, saying you're bad at a life skill is the worst excuse, thats why you practice and learn. I am like a food driven puppy so i always message my partner with supper ideas and thats the deal "here's what i am willing to make" and he can either agree, or offer to make something he wants.
The hair washing story made me think about Shanespear’s video on neohygiene. We conflate things looking orderly, a lack of body hair, or smelling nice with being clean. How often someone might bathe might be influenced by how they live, and what their needs are. When I worked at a job where I sweat often, and got covered in dirt, I showered more. At the same time I don’t like to wash my body more than necessary, because of my eczema. The process of washing my skin can be irritating, drying, and leading to painful rashes. I’m not unclean for not showering every single day, especially when I haven’t been sweating or spending time in the dirt.
The first guy probably was brought up being told that cooking and doing the dishes were “girl chores”. My dad wouldn’t even let me sweep and mop because I had sisters he’d rather make do it. Toxic masculinity is real, and some guys are still held back by it.
I appreciate you adding the it’s different when your not able bodied or minded, like actually, I hate being lumped into these conversations bc someone doesn’t think about ppl with disabilities
Oof. That second story brought stuff back. I also had neglectful parents who decided that no further instruction was needed once they were sure I wouldn't drown in the bathtub, and that was it. It took me ages, even as an adult, to fully realize that I wasn't just an innately disgusting person. What made me different from other kids was that their parents bought them deodorant, and explained to them about body hair, and took them to the dentist, etc. In hindsight, it's crazy the things you can think are normal when you're a kid.
My first ex started to do the same stuff as the guy in the last story instead of expressing when he felt hurt/annoyed/etc. Especially when your partner has asked you to stop, it's not a good sign when you keep going with the insults.
even showering every day isn't always something u have to do. I guess most ppl in their teens or 20s do need to shower daily (excluding the hair) but some ppl sweat more than others. some barely sweat at all. and some are disabled and literally can't do that due to being too ill to do it especially if u don't have someone to help out. so I hate this whole hygeine thing. one of the worst things about being disabled and bedridden is that I can no longer be as clean as I want to be no matter how much I wish that wasn't the case. it's so humiliating
With the shampoo, all hair needs different things, same with every skin type. Not everyone even needs to shower every single day, if you don't work out or sweat/smell. A lot of doctors even recommend showering 2/3x a week, since it is better for your skin. Hairtypes are so different, my hair needs 2x a week and looks great with it, otherwise it will get to dry and frizzy. As long as you smell and look okay, there is no real reason to be called unclean. Like I said, everyone is different and you should be able to do what works for you with no shame.
As someone with thin straight oily hair - were also not supposed to wash it everyday either. Over washing is one of the reasons it gets oily. Also it’s not good to shower in general every day for your hair or skin. Unless you’re getting super dirty or sweating a lot, it’s actually better if you don’t do it everyday.
Learned helplessness is also formed from parents that overly smother their kids by always cooking for them and doing everything for them. They may have even been bullied or yelled at for anything they attempted to do for themselves, creating an anxious response and fear of messing up everything they do for themselves.
My ex husband used to make me cook no matter what was going on in my life, I was working 12-24hr shifts at a hard hit hospital in 2020, he was working from home. He would pull me out of bed to cook for him if I tried to sleep without food or cooking. It’s traumatized me so bad I haven’t been able to cook a meal since and I left him 2 years ago 😅
For the last post I definitely don’t think op is overreacting, I think she’s pretty spot on that they probably just weren’t comparable. I think they just had different senses of humor and he was having a hard time finding what the boundaries were. My boyfriend and I joke like this and we’ve both hurt each others feelings numerous times and had to make up. We’ve been together for over a year and a half and we still are figuring out each others boundaries ever day (and sometimes it just depends on the mood we’re in as to what jokes we can handle)
My partner is not exactly a stellar cook but when I don’t feel like cooking, he either orders something for us, heats up some baked beans and toast, or chucks some frozen stuff in the oven and microwaves veggies! It’s not rocket science, and there’s a big difference between making a 3 course meal and putting some tofu in a packet of ramen lmao Learned helplessness 100%
I’ve never been so early to one of her videos. Anyway hello, online strangers. Have a nice day and make sure you eat and stay hydrated. Also, happy pride month 🎉🏳️🌈. ACE GANG REPRESENT! Edit: I’m going to my first pride parade tomorrow. Kinda scared ngl but I’ll be going with my sister who is also queer.
Shampoo usage heavily depends on the type of shampoo youre using and what kind of hair texture you have. Over usage of most shampoos (shampoos meant for straight hair types and not for daily use) can cause dandruff or cause excessive sebum (oil) production to help balance the scalp's acid mantle pH (because the sebum protects the scalp and hair). If your hair gets dry or frizzy easily (people who live in warmer climates, use a lot of heated appliances, use a lot of chemcial products, and people with med-super curled hair), it's recommended to seek a stylist who specializes in shampoo to help decide what works for your hair and what doesn't or look to communities that have similar hair types for personal experience. Wash days depend so heavily on the person and what kind of lifestyles they have, so absolutely never feel as though you have to wash everyday if it doesnt suit your hair -hairstylist
Also, the one with the guy who called her a beeping beep.....he's manipulating her so she overlooks the awful things he does, and he is abusive. The good things she then lists off sound more like strategic "checklist" tasks. If you find yourself in a similar situation....GET OUT NOW
I wish the first woman would just STOP. COOKING. If he doesn’t want to cook, he doesn’t have to eat. Simple. If you’re too sick or in pain to stand up, DONT COOK!!
i felt a bit bad with the first because i was afraid that i was being like the guy.. then i remembered that i don't cook because i lack energy to even actually eat.... ugh but either way i'm still gonna make some effort to cook and eat when i know i need to cook and eat for the second one, depends, some professionals say that washing your hair everyday isn't harmful, while some people even wash their hair once a week which is most probably also harmless i assume. I have curly hair and wash my hair multiple times a week so i don't know, i'm just quoting other people.
If you’re able to access medical care you might consider seeing a dietitian! I just say this bc I had disabling inability to eat for years and it was due to many factors combined, really needed doctor’s help to figure out what all was going on and what I could cook easily. It made the whole thing so much more doable. After years of being unable to eat and function I can eat again and the never ending nausea is gone. I’m sorry for unsolicited advice, I just think a lot of people don’t know this is an option! And also a lot of people don’t know how awful it is to have shit appetite! Good luck to you friend. You’re not the same as that dude at all
I think it depends on your lifestyle and individual body. I have curly hair as well and a huge part in keeping curly hair nice and healthy is keeping it moisturized. Curly hair in general usually suffers from dryness which a part of why curly products are different from straight hair products. Taking too many showers can actually be bad because it dries out your hair and skin for some people. Taking a shower everyday is not needed for alot of people. If I took a shower every single day my skin would be cracked and bleeding and my hair would need products every single day. That would be a pain in my ass and wallet.
It's weird to me that psychological terms that have been in use and have a specific meaning for decades if not centuries are suddenly redefined and used for something completely different? Learned helplessness is a term that specifically means when someone, whether it's a person or an animal, is in an intensely abusive situation and eventually learns that there's nothing that they can do to get out of it so they go into a low passive state. They learn that no one is going to save them and there's no way to save themselves. So they stop resisting and stop trying to get away or defend themselves. They slip into a state of helplessness and depression in the face of an impossible situation. That is what learned helplessness means. I can understand that just hearing the term might bring to mind something more like what is being described in this video. But we already have a lot of words for what is being described in this video. Low self esteem, low motivation, weaponized incompetence, etc. We don't have to take terms that already have a meaning and give it an entirely new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I think youre right, but I also suspect he's after a more blunt-force emotional trauma than that: he wants to hurt and humiliate her. His behaviour and the way he goes about it strikes me as someone who has a lot of deep-seated resentment or anger for his partner, and tbh I get the _strong_ vibes it's for women in general ... and it's like he's letting his rage fester until it pours out of him sometimes. Why I think so: 1. His insults seem to be almost gender-flavoured in their variety: use of the female-specific sexually degrading terms wh0r3 and b!tch; taking manipulative photos of her not looking good to target self-esteem in appearance. The horrible nickname was the only one that was personal. It all reads like standard stuff any slightly misogynistic man will hurl at a woman on the street or in a rage-fuelled internet screed. 2. Unlike most abusers, the insults and semi-sadistic acts which while still giving off toxic manosphere/negging to the extreme, don't seem to be followed up with any demands or requests on his part or changes in behaviour on hers. Like, when you really come to study it, most abusers' actions - as well as for their own entertainment - are highly geared towards control. So think like psychotically accusing you of cheating you both know its impossible to have happened, but the end goal of that is to isolate the victim away from the opposite gender all the way up to people in general. Or going after someone's appearance constantly until the victim changes their clothes, fashion or general style. This guy seemed to have part 1 of the abuse operations down: randomly and consistently grind your partner down, but I kept waiting for part 2 to drop. This _felt_ more ... I dunno ... like the highschool bully who didn't necessarily control your actions but took ownership of making you feel hated and angry? Pure punishment for punishments' sake vibes. So all in all, I'm gonna take a strong guess that her bf has been - either way in the past or recently - been consuming some of the most toxic misogynistic content online (the ones that're like "women are incapable of feelings, they can only use people for validation or money, they are all secret humiliatrices who love depriving men of dignity, sex & affection") ... And that shit has deeply festered within him so much that it's escaping in deliberate rage-bullets to his gf. He may one day graduate to a more "traditional" abuser looking to exert power and control if left unchecked, but currently I think that's where he's at.
YIKES that hair washing one hit really close to home. in high school i was dealing with super bad depression and was having trouble motivating myself to get out of bed and brush my teeth most days so something like laundry or washing my hair was happening once a week and my hair would definitely start looking greasy between washes. i wore hats a lot and for the most part people didn’t say much to my face about it but i always felt really judged. around prom time they did class superlatives and i got labeled “best hair” and when i had to go up on the stage in front of everyone to receive my “prize” everyone including teachers were laughing like it was the funniest thing they’d ever seen and the “prize” they gave me was a huge bottle of shampoo. i’m sure they didn’t even realize how much that would hurt but i’m almost 30 and i still think about standing on a stage in my prom dress having the whole school laugh at me every time i walk down the shampoo isle or wash my hair
Washing your hair with shampoo every day is wild to me- it’s really bad for some peoples hair. I can only wash my hair every other day or it gets super fragile.
i have the oiliest hair known to man and i usually have to wash it everyday, i know some people say that washing it too often makes it even oilier but having dirty hair is so uncomfortable i'd rather just do it every day 😭 fortunately my hair is pretty short so i can do it quickly
I also was physically neglected at times as a child and I often didn't have clean clothes and had to wear the same socks and underwear multiple days in a row. I was always self-conscious about the way I smelled even though I would wash myself as often as I could (even though I often didn't have towels and I had a fear of showering in a certain house I lived in.) As an adult, I've had to relearn how to keep myself clean and I've learned a lot of things I was never taught as a kid. (Especially about my very very curly hair). Still self conscious about my scent.
As a child of neglect I only started to learn basic stuff like how to shower as properly as I can when I moved in with my grandmother in SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL. I am still trying to get my life on track at 22.
5:35 not only is a basic life skill, but saying "I can't cook" is the equivalent of saying "I jave never attempted to learn to cook" because EVERYONE sucks at cooking until they learn a little and most people follow recipes...so it's not like ppl are asking you to wing an entire meal
"Narcissist" being synonymous with "egotistical and cruel" when Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an actual mental disorder that affects real actual people is so frustrating. armchair diagnosing based on stereotype is not a good look for anyone.
fr tho, for the same reason i get really frustrated whenever people use the words psychopath or sociopath to describe someone being cruel or worse. like, idk, use different words instead of using ones that are also associated with one of the most stigmatized mental disorders...
Worked at a finer dining restaurant in college and when I got people like that mom, I would create simple menu items with them based on what they like then upcharge em on everything to make sure it’s worth it and usually the kitchen was cool with it as long as we weren’t too busy
That hair wash story is horrible. Especially cause there’s some racial history with black and Jewish people being called dirty for following hair care routines for curly hair… like if any of those students in that class have experienced that before the teachers inappropriate comments are compounded.
The leg washing debate is so weird to me. Why is it that so many understand that everyone’s hair and scalp are different, but we don’t extend that understanding to legs? Overwashing your skin breaks down the acid mantle, a barrier of oils that helps protect you from harmful bacteria. Everyone is different and “overwashing” means different things for different skin. If anyone is even reading this: you know your body and unless a doctor has told you that you need to change your hygiene practices, you’re doing okay.
The hair one kinda messes with me because i have some massive curly hair, so i only wash my hair wonce a week or so because its too time consuming for me to do everyday and too big for it to dry quickly
same. most hair dressers wash their hair ab once or twice a week. not washing your hair every day itls pretty normal and i would bet money the people in that class that said it was disgusting dont wash their hair every day
5:31 ok so what baffles me is like, my mom SUCKED at cooking for the first IDK 10-15 years of my parents marriage (she was and still is a great baker). However because she was a stay at home mom for the first 10 years or so and my dad was the breadwinner she handled the cooking and made a great effort to learn. We all ate many burnt meals and dealt with 2 cases of food poisoning but she tried. She made sure we were fed and that my dad didn’t have to worry about cooking after a 10-12 hour shift. Conversely on weekends or special occasions he’d cook to let her rest since cooking made her so stressed. It all worked out and now almost 25 years in she’s good at cooking, both my parents taught my siblings and I how to cook so we could care for ourselves (and so she can have us do it if she’s not feeling well and my father is working.) You adapt in marriages to help each other, the man in this post should be able to at least make frozen pizzas, pasta and pancakes. These are all quick and (mostly) fail proof meals that can be handled by 10-11 year olds. It’s fine if they split the chores evenly and he draws a line saying unless you are sick or in need I will not be cooking as long as he’s willing to do it when his wife needs the help. My ocd makes dish washing hell so I prefer to not have it be my responsibility (I’ll clean toilets, and sweep instead )but if someone needs me to do it for them I can (very slowly and with breaks) do it and I do it right.
If anyone's response to, "hey, I'm struggling with something," is, "ew, you're gross," and not, "I'm sorry," or, "hey, would you like some help?" then NO, you are NOT overreacting if it makes you cry!! 😱
13:31 The biggest piece of advice I got about hair washing was shampoo is for your scalp, conditioner is for your hair. Shampoo can go in your hair, but conditioner should never touch your scalp. I was 23 when I learnt this after using 2-in-1 hair wash my entire life
As someone with straight, oily hair, I have to wash my hair every day, and even I know that it's normal for some people to not wash their hair every day. I've even gotten judged for washing my hair every day before, but I literally have to. One day I was really tired the morning I was taking a shower and forgot to wash my hair. For the rest of the day I had a lot of people commenting on how gross my hair was and how I should take a shower, even though I literally had that same day. Anyway, my point is that I forgot that it wasn't common knowledge that everyone's hair is different.
As a newly minted 40 year old, let me spread some wisdom when it comes to relationships: There's a reason alot of older women who are single or not married are ....single or not married. They/we are tired of being a grown ass man's mother, punching bag, or prisoner (financially, emotionally, physically, etc). Being single is always infinitely better than being in situations that don't serve you. You get more confident and convicted in who you are as you age, lean into it and don't be afraid to use your voice.
Forget it. I bathe once or twice a week and I know I'm not disgusting. I get that many body types require more bathing in order to feel or smell clean, but not all bodies. I think America in particular is obsessed with the idea of daily showers. Would never knock someone who needs to, or who feels gross if they don't, but it is completely optional. And as sometime who had a hairdresser as a mom, I can confirm that washing your hair every day is bad for it. Washing with water is completely acceptable and does the job of cleaning out grime. One shouldn't only ever wash with water, shampoo is great, but unless it stinks or itches, you are not causing anyone problems. I hate that smug superiority people like that think they have.
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yumi
i love how youre just talking and youll be like dont piss me AWF, this SAUWCE is so good
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I dumped him a few weeks ago! Thanks for the support though.
A good chunk of aita stories on reddit seem to be from put upon women wondering if they're bad partners for not letting their bfs/husbands treat them like dog sh*t.
When I see so many posts like this, it’s absurdly depressing until I think about how many people are being empowered by the information and community online to leave these relationships. Hopefully people will be much better off after years or decades of that influence. In the past people in these relationships probably had so much less support available without the internet
Way back when I was still in the sauce I would absolutely post on Reddit looking to see if I was the bad one. It’s not put upon women. It’s women who are in abusive toxic relationships that have been so beaten down and confused that they no longer realize their own reality anymore. It’s a terrible and scary place to be. When everyone around you is telling you that you are the problem you seek outside perspective. Some people are surrounded by sharks who want nothing more than to eat away at the one they can sink their teeth into.
But I’m definitely projecting right now 😂😂😂
@@dontjudgemycuriosityexactly. Honestly it was social media and RUclips specifically that opened my eyes and made me see what was real. I have been in a terrribly abusive relationship for the last 12 years. Still trying to get out. But because he stopped hitting I thought it was ok. I also came from a horribly abusive background. So basically I’ve never experienced true intimacy or love that wasn’t couched in violence and misery. I thought they went together. It wasn’t until I started watching videos online that I could see it was a pattern of behavior. RUclips saved my life for real.
I do wonder what the percentage of fake stories is, some just sound too unbelievable at times. So shocking some of em
That's so sad and frustrating at the same time, and I am sure many of them "just so happen to be" isolated from friendships they could trust. So they have to rely on reddit of all places to find comfort or fully grasp the harm their partner caused.
Unless there is an odor problem in the classroom, the hygiene of the students is none of the professor's goddamn business. The students are adults and can take care of themselves. Stay in your lane.
Exactly this. I once had a teacher say it was gross that I hadn't showered that morning before coming to class. I do a lot of physical, outdoor work, so I shower in the evening in order not to track all that dirt, sweat, and allergens into my bed -- but also, _Sir!_ If you couldn't tell I hadn't showered that morning until it came up in conversation, then how can you act like I'm tangibly dirty now? _You literally couldn't tell!_
Exactly the student hygiene is none their business unless it disrupts class an even if it does the correct way would be to talk with the student privately, not in front of all the fucking class
I can't even believe that shit is real.
Fr. I showered 4 times a day growing up and obsessively used good smelly stuff, washed my hands constantly but of course- fat kid reading WoW book.
Yep. I know showering every day isn't an issue for everyone, and even those that do don't have to wash their hair every day. The only time a teacher stepped in was when one person in class was wearing his boots that he worked on a pig farm in to school all the time, and that teacher waited for weeks before he said something. It was honestly so awful being in class with that guy but I didn't want to say anything initially since sometimes you can't help if you smell now and then.
Girlie was sick and he made her cook? Couldn't even door dash her a bowl of chicken noodle? Order a pizza? Sir.
This is what gets me, he didn’t even necessarily have to cook, just sort out food. And he couldn’t even do that -_-
i compared this story to my own life, where my mom is usually the only one cooking by her own choice. on days when shes sick, my dad always picks up food for her. OP’s husband can’t even pick up food for her? that’s stupidity.
@@ssn0wfallxlike seriously it’s not hard to pick up food or make pasta/pancakes
THE MICROWAVE HE COULDNT.EVEN.USE.A.
MICROWAVE.
Literally microwave a can of soup even like WTF
About household chores like cooking: I moved in with my (single) dad when I was 12, and he wouldn't cook either. I had to learn everything by myself, or eat TV dinners every single day. Sometimes I would be so tired I would just starve myself. He only started cooking last year, 17 years later, because I went back to uni and didn't have time to cook for us anymore. He would say the same thing as the first guy "I can't cook, I'm bad at it, nobody likes my food" and so on. Well, it turns out that once he was forced to cook, he found he actually enjoys it. He started watching cooking shows, buying all sorts of spices, trying new things. So when able-bodied adults say they "can't cook", what I hear is "I've never been in a situation where I could either cook or starve".
On the other hand, I’ve tried cooking for my partner as a suprise and have given him raw chicken twice. (Bless him for letting me try again when I thought I got it) but I also meal plan so he knows what to cook and how much we need (in case leftovers are needed or what not)
I know. It sounds both like weaponized incompetence and fear?
my 87yo father thinks that cooking is only for women, and he's about to starve to death about it 😥
@@demoncorejuniorBut I bet if you ask him to picture a professional chef, he'll probably imagine a man.
God I hate the patriarchy so fucking much. The way men behave is seriously ridiculous
As someone who physically can't stand up to cook, I cook sitting down and take a lot of shortcuts/make easy recipes. This guy has ZERO excuse.
He didn't even use *the microwave* smh
about the hair thing; not only do people's hair types have different needs, but you also never know what someone's health situation is. when i was in college i was on a dance team, and i showered every day because i spent hours sweating in the gym learning dances. after i left university, my chronic illness got worse, and now standing in the shower can be really difficult if i'm in a flare up. sometimes i can't brush my hair or teeth. as an outsider you should always choose kindness, you never know what's going on in the lives of others
was looking for a comment like this. a teacher should never single out a student in front of the class like that, even with just a stare. something similar happened to me in elementary about food. its been like 15 years and i will never forget that. like you said, you have no idea what someone is going through. also, some people dont need to wash their hair every day!
edit: holy shit this story happened when this person was in college??? ive never met a professor who gives that much of a damn
Yeah same for me! I don't shower every day, if I do, I have a shower stool to sit on and honestly some days showering is all I have energy for. It is totally normal to not shower every day. A lot of doctors even recommend 2/3x a week if you are not working out or sweating, since it is better for your skin.
@@bre4820 This 100%
I have a shower stool and it is a lifesaver. Before it I would struggle to get myself to shower monthly. Physical health + depression made it really hard as when I was mentally up to it I wasn't always physically up to it and vice versa. Now that I have one, even though my physical health has declined further, I am capable of showering at least weekly. Additionally, before I had to keep my glasses on while I showered because they aided my balance. This not only got me criticized, but sometimes meant I damaged them because it increased the likelihood of rusting and I had to clean the lenses more often. Now I don't because I am firmly planted.
*To anyone interested in a shower stool,* if you get a plastic one a lot of people, including myself, recommend putting a towel down on it before showering as the texture can be rough and grip the grip poor, but a towel seems to solve both these. I personally have a teak shower stool now and love it, but it was more expensive.
If you decide to go for any non-plastic one just make sure to research it, but here is a brief overview of what I remember from when I researched it. Bamboo can mold, but is more budget friendly. Teak needs teak oil to maintain about yearly. Built in ones have unique problems depending on material, but the overall issues are they can be more uncomfortable, are more expensive, and causes water to pool. My personal grief with built in ones it that they cannot be moved, obviously, meaning you can't take it with you if you move or go on a road trip.
Edit: Spelling and markdown error
The whole "white ppl are disgusting" hygiene olympics on social media made me feel awful. I am disabled. Having a shower is so difficult for me. I have only recently been able to develop a technique that works for me to cleanse everyday. Before that I was cleansing every day, but it was a bed-bath so not as much.
But even then I have to sit on my stool and I have a big bowl of soapy water and a bowl of clear water and I sit and use a sponge and soap my arms and body. Then I use the clear bowl to rinse myself off.
It is hard, and all these "I'm so much cleaner than you" competitions just end up making me feel so much less than.
Literally thought: “if you’re ignorant with no emotional intelligence, just say that!” It’s gross that someone in this position would think “let me make this a lecture for the entirety of the class” rather than “let me find an opportunity to speak to this student individually and find out if they are ok”. Why is it your first thought to be self righteous and say “you’re gross”??? On what planet was that meant to be effective?! Even if the student had none of that going on and just decided to not shower or wash their hair everyday just cause - ON WHAT PLANET WOULD THAT APPROACH MAKE THEM WANT TO CHANGE THAT?!?
RE “teacher called me disgusting”
this is wrong if it was just a person to person thing, but especially coming from an adult that’s supposed to be an educator, it’s awful. i used to work at a group home for teens and my supervisor one time shamed this one girl in front of everyone for not showering everyday. she had a skin condition and her doctor told her to literally not shower every single day.
it’s just not really cool to make fun of people for their hygiene choices ever. you really have no clue what’s actually going on.
I agree. It was completely uncalled for! If I had an instructor treat me like that, I would immediately drop the class and report it. Instructors like that are just unreal, how do they justify being nasty when people are paying to be there?! The only disgusting thing is the person humiliating a student in front of the whole class like that. I would lose it on them omg
Also like, disgusting??? For not washing their hair with soap?? That's just silly. If they couldn't tell anything until she said something they should shut the fuck up about it. If you're not a friend coming in with concern you shouldn't be saying anything in the first place
That's so cruel! And it's really not actually good to shower every day, and especially not use soap on your hair every day. Everyone's hair is different. I actually have a friend whose hair is so dry and frizzy that she legitimately only washes it once monthly. But she doesn't suffer from any hygiene issues! You wouldn't even notice if she didn't tell you. People really don't get a say in how others manage their hygiene. You can make gentle suggestions but what this teacher and class did is unacceptable.
I agree 100%. I can't shower everyday thanks to my skin condition. I shower every other day and clean the "smelly" parts with a wash cloth the days I don't. My hair is fine with not being washed everyday either. It doesn't get greasy that quickly.
This is so true. Also, if you are worried someone smells say something in privacy and I would only bother to do that if it was someone I’m close friends with. A nurse I worked with was complaining about one of the medical residents having BO and I was like yeah I’ve noticed but other people have told her about it. Who knows what she has going on. I told the nurse that I would be really mad at her if she says something. She ended up not saying anything but I’m like, it’s been addressed so don’t push it any further.
The first Reddit poster should just cook for themselves. Never cook enough for the husband to have a single bite. See how long it takes him to cook for himself
or until he gets a vitamin deficiency from eating cereal for every meal
This is what I was saying. I would only cook my portion and that mf could smell how good the food is but never get a bite lol. Eventually, something will change
It shouldn't have to come down to that. They need to talk, and she needs to communicate that him contributing more to the household is as much his responsibility as it is also an act of love. If he isn't willing to do that, then she just needs to leave (because not helping is him communicating that he really doesn't love her all that much). Her refusing to cook for him would be a form of punishment and that quickly turns into tit for tat punishments from both sides, as well as growing resentment.
@@arianam6430seriously, if you are already considering playing passive aggressive games, it's not a battle worth fighting. They care about your feelings or they don't.
@@arianam6430i agree with the communication thing bc if thats not enough to get him to start then hes not worth being with however i dont think cooking for herself is punishment. its not like shes starving him. ge could easily eat cereal or go buy ready to eat food. if she was his mother or something and he didnt have the money to buy food id agree but yea.
as a licensed cosmetologist (over 6 years), the reason you’re not meant to wash your hair every day is because of the natural oils from your scalp. your hair does need the oil to coat the entire strand to maintain the health and strength of the strand. if you wash your hair every day, you’re stripping the oils too quickly and it can leave the hair brittle and more prone to breakage. while im on my soapbox, you shouldn’t use 2 in 1 because shampoo and conditioner do two separate jobs that really shouldn’t be combined. shampoo opens the hair strand and strips the oils off while conditioner closes the strand and smooths and softens it. it’s not really a job that can be combined when they don’t do the same thing. OP in the second story is right in not washing their hair everyday ! as a curly hair dude, i don’t either, especially when the structure of curly hair makes it weaker compared to that of wavy or straight. if my curls are looking bad, i use water to try and fix them. op could also be using dry shampoo in between washes, which is what we recommend for people to do in between washes if they get too oily. every head of hair is different so needs of the hair (wet products, frequency of washing, etc.) differs from person to person.
I was just about to go on a tangent about this lol
do you know if washing your hair too often will lead to split ends? idk if they’re correlated😢
How good is dry shampoo for hair? I've always been told it would dry it out/damage it terribly, but it's possible this information was outdated (or people might just not know what they're talking about, lol).
@@eyesofthecervino3366I’m pretty sure it’s not the best thing in the world to use. From what I understand it can mess with your scap since it leaves a residue. And if you doo it too long and too often it can cause irritation. I was told to always use powder. Avoiding washing your hair and using a powder or braids it’s really good. So I feel it would be the same thing. But I was told not to use it because it makes your hair hard to brush through and that can cause breakage and dandruff. So I guess maybe brush hair before dry shampoo and not use it too often?
I'm not a professional but I'm really into hair care and i believe yes it will and also using very hot water for hair leads to split end lasty brushing wet hair and brushing ur hair too harshly also leads to split ends hope this helps @@cerippopy
Why is it that whenever a wife on reddit says her husband does chores, the chores are always just taking out the trash and mowing the lawn? It's always those 2. And seriously how often do they need doing? Once a week?
Also as a picky eater, it's my responsibility to deal with it, not the restaurant. Will I ask for changes? Sometimes but I always make sure to consider how easy it would be to make the change. Like leaving coleslaw or a garnish off is fine but asking for a sauce without an ingredient is not. I also don't like certain types of potatoes so I regularly ask for fries instead but ONLY if I have already checked and know they serve them as a side. I don't want to be a bother to anyone other than myself. Picky people like in these stories only make things worse for people like me
If it helps, I am on Reddit and my partner does the cooking (I’ve accidentally given him raw chicken twice😅) gets the cat litter, and does the luandry all while working. I do most of the picking up but he takes the tasks I HATE the most. When I complained about the dishes, he got me a countertop one (we don’t have room for a large one) and I think he likes it more than I ever will. He also kills any and all bugs and helps if I ask for ANYTHING. In trade, I let him play video games for hours everyday
This is such a classic chore distribution in these couples, right? Taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and feeding the cat probably takes the same amount of time per week as cooking a full meal and doing the dishes for 1-2 nights. And I’m sure she does other chores too.
i'm picky (partially due to a history of some food sensitivities, partially just autism) and most of us are really not that bad. it's insane how many people in stories like these don't just have some fallback orders for restaurants. every picky person i know (myself included) just checks first to make sure the place we're going has chicken tenders, grilled cheese, burgers, whatever safe food we wanna order, or we check if there's something we can make a few small customizations to (no tomato on the sandwich, guac on the side, swap mashed potatoes for fries or chips, etc.) it's usually no big deal. it's baffling to me how many people can't manage to do that when so many neurodivergent kids and kids w allergies have been doing this for decades w little to no issues.
This is exactly how I am going out to eat as a picky eater. I have my safe foods that I try to look for at every restaurant (usually pasta or chicken) and try to pick something where I need to ask for little to none removals/substitutions. I don't want to be an annoying customer 😂
@@jk-jl2lo Yeah, it is insane. The fact I can do it with memory issues, anxiety problems, and a disorder that makes it so I can't always speak, but they can't makes me realize just how ridiculous it is.
The only thing I can think of is maybe those of us with a disorder are used to needing to accommodate ourselves, so we just go out of our way to make sure that there won't be issues. If that isn't it then I don't know what is. Then again there are plenty of picky people without any health issues and they are fine, so maybe this person is just weird.
I actually had a P.E. Teacher single me out for the B.M.I./Obesity chapter. We had to sit together and the teacher was explaining what B.M.I. Is and what stages of overweight/obesity and she looked at me the entire time she spoke about obesity. I started getting looks from other classmates it was so noticeable. Then we had to run a mile for the rest of the class, and I was so depressed over it that I walked it for the first time ever. I remember this beautiful “popular” girl felt so bad about it that she actually walked with me the entire way and ignored the teacher yelling at us to run and “pick up your feet girls!”. The teacher pulled me aside when we finished and she looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I want to help you get in shape”. If you wanted to help you shouldn’t have ostracized me in front of my peers. 😂 I’m no longer obese and I am “In shape” now, but I definitely didn’t lose weight the healthy way - after years of bullying, the teacher was the cherry on top. Really fucked me up for a while. What’s wild is I did sooo many sports and had no issue with physical activity. I was just always a plump kid. She just assumed I was fat and lazy because of my size.
I’ve also had a teacher yell at me for bringing a donut and chocolate milk for snack time without “bringing enough for everyone”. But it was frequent that others would have Starbucks, McDonald’s, and other special things brought in for snack and lunch only for themselves. This teacher was always “hard on me” for no reason and she felt so bad that at the end of the year party she brought me in front of the parents and class and gave me a public apology. Tears and everything. I remember her speech. “I was always so hard on this little girl because I see so much potential in her.” Is that not always the excuse?
If I had a teacher call me disgusting in front of everyone, undoubtedly I would feel so hurt. Why are teachers like this? Watch what you say to kids! Your words are so impactful.
it doesnt really help that the bmi is a very shitty way to determine if you're healthy or not, since fat distribution can look different. also it doesnt differentiate between muscle or fat. i tried doing it on the rock and it says hes obese when hes like mostly muscle.
@@pasteluluu4089 Yess! I had to unlearn and relearn so much. Healthy looks different for everyone!
I've always been thick thighed, and I was bullied, so bad at school for not being stick thin. I looked back at photos recently from that time when I believed I was horribly overweight and realised I was healthy, but people made me believe that I was not a healthy weight. Even now I really struggle with perception around my body.
@@vainpiers So sorry to hear that. Kids are so cruel.
It might be a stretch, but I really hope these types of discussions help the younger generations to be kinder and more thoughtful. It will make such a difference.
I had the reverse situation almost. I was underweight for my high school years, and every gym teacher I had assumed that because I was thin and they could see the muscle I had, that my being poor at sports was because I didn't put in effort.
I've found out in the years since that I have several issues that make sports harder for me - my balance is off, hyper flexibility of the spine, issues with oxygen circulation - and even though I talked about these things, because I was thin, people assumed I was healthy, lazy and overdramatic.
It really sucks that people make assumptions based off of weight - I know my life would have been much improved if those assumptions had not been made, and I'm pretty sure the same goes for many.
I hope that you're doing better now.
As a fellow child of neglect who was also bullied for poor hygiene, I feel for OP in that second story. It’s not anyone else’s business and if this due to genuine concern for the OP, the teacher should have pulled them aside and addressed it one on one. I still only wash my hair once a week, you can train your hair (I guess depending on the person) to not get so oily as quickly. Gahhh, why do people have to suck.
Same. I did kind of stink from sweating at times but I was also neglected, would get headaches from the scents of deodorants, and was fairly confident I was allergic to the aluminum in deodorant. This was before they had good aluminum free options and ones that don't have atrociously strong scents which I now use. It's sad how many people suffer in silence while getting bullied for such inconsequential things.
same, I still really struggle with hygiene to the point it is sometimes a problem (showering is really tough for me so I don't always manage more than once a week and just use wet wipes between). But bullying someone publicly isn't going to help that. The professor could have pulled them aside and even given them hair advice or asked if they could support them. But bullying isn't the solution
my boyfriend makes the same jokes as the last guy, but when i say its gone too far he apologizes and doesnt do it again... there's no excusing that last guy lol
How did you post this 19 hours ago.. this was posted 11 minutes ago
Wha- what?? How??? Also I’m glad your boyfriend listens 👏🏽🥺
yeah bro 19hrs is kinda crazy. mans watched everything before it came out
Bro preordered the video??💀
@@Soggycheeseee I HAVE NO IDEA LMFAOO
coming back after dropping an absolutely BOMBSHELL of a video with a subreddit video is such a annamarie way to come back
I have to stick to my roots somehow!
God shes a legend
I swear to the goddess every single post like these about romantic relationships is a woman saying "my bf is absolutely great and I love him except when he [insert overwhelmingly awful red flag here], AIO for wanting to leave him???"
GIRL GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE IF YOU CAN DO IT SAFELY
it makes me really sad to see they don't even realise
It's because women get called over dramatic or sensitive all the time
@@solus8685 True, left my ex cause one month into the relationship he kept saying, "So many women are after me but i chose you" in different ways and once even verbatim. And then called me dramatic and sensitive when i broke up over this. Messed me up for quite a while thinking I was overreacting, but looking back it was the right move.
Like if anything, he should be more able to cook because he has more experience. He's been an adult longer than she has. Forcing someone who is in pain or has an ED to cook just because you didn't bother to teach yourself to cook or even make pizza rolls, you are the worst.
And honestly, even someone who can't cook at all. We have THE INTERNET. There's a million resources to get detailed information on how to make easy meals.
@@DahlilyThere are quite literally no excuses! Go online and search for a recipe you have ingredients for, there are even sites you can input the ingredients you do have and it will show you what you can make with them! I'm no Michelin star chef and neither is my hubby but we can both follow instructions and make a healthy, well rounded meal to feed ourselves.
I have to assume if you can't even figure out how to microwave a cup of ramen you're doing it on purpose. You can teach a goldfish more complicated tricks than that.
And also, does he not have the drive or desire to learn? I thought guys despise feeling useless? He could start by shadowing his wife in the kitchen, learn from her, and gain those skills while also bonding in the kitchen AND helping her. It seems so simple!
Fr even if you have routines or agreed upon tasks, sometimes you need to "fill in" for your partner who is stressed, sick, in pain, busier than usual etc. It's called being considerate.
The 2nd one genuinely pisses me off, I'm Hispanic and have textured hair, and I get similar reactions as OP does when people find out I only wash my hair twice a week. It's not like I'm dirty, I shower every night, and I can't wash my hair every day or else it gets super dry and falls out like crazy. I am also a child of neglect so I understand them not knowing how to take care of themselves, hell I learned at 15 how to properly brush and floss my teeth. They are not overreacting in the slightest, everyone is different and everyone's story is different, just because they haven't figured it all out at 22 doesn't make them any less human.
I don't have textured hair at all, and even I wash it like twice a week. Three times if the occasion calls for it.
Since when washing twice a week is too little? Lolll wtf
I feel you, I don't have textured hair, but if I wash it more than two times a week it dries and breaks, it's so fustrating!
my hair is curly-ish wavy, but I have extremely dry scalp - I was told by a damn dermatologist to only wash my hair 1 time a week, 2 at MOST
I'm Latina and I used to wash my hair every other day. I stopped when I dyed my hair to make the color last long and that's when I found out that my hair prefers to be washed 1-2 times a week like you. Before then, my hair used to be oily and get dandruff. Now I'm able to use normal shampoos and my hair doesn't become oily until the 4 day mark.
Often when people say "I can't cook" they seem to think every meal has to be some elaborate dish like you see on TV. Or maybe they think there is some serious skill behind tossing a few burgers in a pan, baking some potatoes and cut some veggies for a salad.
you can also simplify most recipies. my mom started cooking bacon and hamburgers in the oven instead of on a pan and last time she made meatballs she but the mixture into a mote and into the oven instead of wasting time making individual balls. you can even buy pre cut or shredded veggies and pre boiled potatoes to make things even easier
My one friend's ex is a chef, and she would always make very complex dishes while he lacked the same skills as someone who didn't go to culinary school. She would still get so upset that she would put so much effort and energy into making meals while he would make simple dishes that only took half an hour to cook. She demanded that he put more work into cooking because she felt that she was putting more into the relationship in regards to her elaborate meals.
@@hoathanatos6179 that's so sad, I'd be happy even if I were just given a microwave meal
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. We don’t live together yet but when we first got together he ate like shit and barely cooked anything he couldn’t microwave. Literally I blew the guys mind when I told him we could sauté chickpeas.
Instead of just saying he “can’t cook” he asked me if I could show him how to make some basic things and I did. Ever since then it’s been a whole new world for him. He’s started looking up recipes for things he wants to make, watches videos and still asks for my input or help sometimes.
The point is, he asked for help, learned something and has ran with it. I’m still the better cook and I still prefer to do more cooking for us, but I like that he’ll offer and make dinner sometimes when we’re together too.
That's how I know when something is leaned helplessness or weaponized incompetence. If I offer for us to figure it out together, work as a team or experiment to learn what works for us and he stonewalls me then it's a symptom of the above. Therapy and communication sessions help a lot. Sometimes we have to work through big feelings. We get through it. We help one another heal. It's really tough sometimes. I also have a chronic illness. In the beginning I would handle most of the domestic stuff. As my MS got worse those codependent patterns were challenged. Thanks you for listening. I got a lot of value from your comment. I feel like I can relate in many ways. We've been married for 16 years. The willingness for us to work through issues, love and support one another has gotten us through.
I wish you the best in your life and relationships. Sounds like y'all are on the right track.
The Last story was kinda triggering to me. My ex also used to "jokingly" mock me all the time, like take bad photos, but I wasn't allowed to take same kind of photos of him, commenting my appearance or even getting physically ab**ive as a "game". And if I asked him to stop he would mock me for that or give an empty promise to stop.
Either this couple had different senses of humour or she dodged a bullet.
I’m glad he is your ex now. Wishing you all the best 🫶🏻
@@AnnamarieForcino I really appreciate this ❤️ you too
god same my ex would post horrible pictures of me knowing my body / appearance issues, and then act sad when I told him I wanted them taken down
@@einin9758 same. If I tried to set boundaries, I was "ruining all the fun we have together"
I have the same sense of humour as the guy from the last story except my partners actually enjoy it. The fact your ex wasn’t allowing you to take ugly pictures of him just shows it wasn’t a joke, it wasn’t meant to be funny for you, it was abuse and I’m sorry this happened to you. The way this type of humour can work is by respecting your partner’s limits, mocking yourself, allowing the other to participate and making absolutely sure your partner knows what it is you love about them.
Do I have ugly pictures of my partner, yes. Do I also have two framed stunning photos of him in my bedroom, yes. Are there a thousand of ugly pictures of myself too, yes. There is no doubt I think he’s gorgeous, so there’s no harm in these ridiculous pictures because I make sure he knows this isn’t how I actually see him, those are just dumb meaningless pictures we can both laugh at.
RE the first one:
I'm autistic (and 17) so I struggle with things especially using the oven, but right now (still learning) I can still cook basic things like scrambled eggs and pasta, I know its not much but its more than that grown adult who (I think if there was a good reason they would have mentioned it) should be able to cook!
also autistic and +10 years and im still learning how to cook lol, nothing fancy but getting there with it :p
scrambled eggs are my life saver every time i need to cook some protein 💕
Us❤
I'm not autistic (not diagnosed anyway) but I feel this :)
Also autistic and late diagnosed ADHD. I didn't learn to cook untilI my ADHD was being treated because I was terrified of starting a fire because it was that hard to focus.
If there were reasons, it's possible he didn't mention them because he doesn't talk about stuff (this can be a problem people have) BUT he's a grown ass adult whose responsible for his own communication and wellbeing regardless.
tldr; Whatever his problem is, it's his responsibility to deal with instead of expecting his SO to carry for him while he refuses to acknowledge it as a problem.
It’s not that he never thought to try to learn to cook like an adult. It’s that he believes he should never have to learn because someone else will be there to take care of that for him.
I think each partner in a relationship is entitled to 1 chore that they absolutely will not do. For me its the dishes. I have mild germophobia and i cant stand washing dishes. If i do have to i MUST use a brand new sponge, wear gloves and bleach the entire sink before starting. I know im weird. But i think cooking is the one exception. Its something everyone should know how to do. No excuses. You wouldnt ask your partner to brush your teeth for you everyday or put gas in your car for you. Its something that you have to do for your self as an adult. Even if you only cook once a month thats fine but you need to do it sometimes.
I think the "aggression as humor" that a lot of guys are raised into can make it difficult to understand where the line is. Like, you know how some people will get so deep in irony that they can't tell how they really feel? That, but with shock-jock style crudeness. I genuinely believe that he doesn't conciously mean anything by it, but he still needs to learn how easily that sort of joke can be hurtful, regardless of intent.
I have a similar sense of humor. Basically the humor of a boy in middle school but without all the racism, sexism, and just straight up harassment that tends to come with it. So I definitely understand why he would have thought that would've been funny, but like, with your partner?? That early in a relationship just out of nowhere??? That's something I'll do with friends, and I agree he probably didn't mean anything by it. But not only should he learn that jokes can be hurtful, he probably shouldn't use that type of humor in a relationship in general? Maybe he'll find a girl who's okay with that, but it just feels really uncalled for and rude regardless to say towards your partner of all people.
Holy shit. Imagine being in college- nevermind a college PROFESSOR- and still thinking you need to wash your hair every day. I GARUNTEE you half of those students don't wash their hair every time either.
That is what makes the story shocking. Like, where did this happen? I don’t know a single girl who think you have to shampoo (or even wash) your hair everyday. Especially a college-aged girl. And I really doubt that even the boys feel that way. So, the students who joined in on calling it disgusting were likely just bullying for the sake of bullying.
@@YellaBellaReno But put yourself in the context of a vulnerable student who has to either pretend the professor is right, or get singled out in front of the class as well.
@@derp195 if that was me i would just stay silent, no reason to insert urself in the situation
it BAFFLES ME the amount of bullshit women will put up with for the sake of being in a relationship. like... you cannot convince me these women are actually happy, they just don't want to be alone. but the peace that comes with singlehood is worth so much more than the scraps these dudes are bringing to the table. love yourself; dump him.
✨️✨️patriarchy✨️✨️ we grow up learning how to be pick mes.
Ikr, I never got that. But tbf I also have an avoidant attachment style so it's not like I ever would lmao
I had to learn to be content spending time with myself before I could be in a healthy relationship for exactly this reason
My take is many women are unhappy. I know very little couples in real life who have a good dynamics where they seem like they understand and respect each other. I’m in the camp that people want to be in relationship so badly that they sacrifice themselves.
the first example is a prime reason on why people shouldn’t rush in their lives and shouldn’t get married so early. hopefully she left the relationship…
For the “is my boyfriend a narcissist” one… girl… wym should I stay with him??? He doesn’t like you!!! That’s wild and depressing that someone would endure that and wonder if that bully of a boyfriend is into them. Idk if he’s a narcissist, I’ll leave that to the professionals, but he’s definitely more into himself than you! Stand UP!!!
Hot take?: you do not have to shower EVERY day? I have eczema so basically the problem you have with your hair, i have with my skin, even when i use lotion after every shower, so my default is showering every other day, unless i am sweating a lot or getting dirty or eating too much greasy food lol etc. I also have adhd and depression that causes me struggle with the motivation to self care sometimes, but i can't stand smelling bad so if it gets to that point it will push me to shower as soon as i notice. I've never understood why ppl push showering every day as a necessity. Like if i haven't done much and didn't work up a sweat and also don't feel greasy then i see no problem with skipping a day every so often at least.
Some people act like they've literally never gone a day in their life without showering and clutch their pearls at the thought of it, but here in reality stuff happens and sometimes you run out of time in the day, or don't feel the need or want to, or for some reason don't have easy access to a shower.
So true bestie this is so valid
exactly man the concept of washing yourself absolutely every day is so strange to me because where i'm from or at least in my family nobody even suggests that? even now i do shower every day usually because i personally need to and every now and again my mom is like hey didn't you shower yesterday? were you exercising or something?
I just found out I have a running gene trait in my family that means I sweat less than the average person, or it's harder for me to sweat. I heard it from my grandma when it was hot outside and I said "nah I like this weather, it's nice, not too hot just yet". My grandma said she is the same and that it's a family trait. My dad was sweating buckets so he did not get that trait. I can stand heat up to about 30 C, that's when I start to sweat. But both my dad and mom was complaining about how hot it was at 25 C.
Right??? I feel like climate plays a huge factor too! I live in sweden and during winters I can shower my body every three days no problem unless I work out, in summers its every other day and if I travel to spain or something it’s so warm I have to shower at least once per day, sometimes twice
Narcissist is not a synonym for abuser. Nor should it ever have become one.
this!!!! narcissism is an actual personality disorder and should be treated as such. not all narcissists are abusers and definitely not all abusers are narcissists
my biggest pet peeve as a psych student is unfiltered therapy speak like this. like narcissistic personality disorder is a real thing!! just because someone has NPD, it doesn’t mean they’re going to be an abuser.
@@katemartin113 I have covert npd lol. I won't lie and say I haven't been a shitty person, or that I never have relapses into seriously toxic behaviors, but like. I'm a specific kind of mentally ill abuse victim. It takes time to not even relearn, straight up LEARN the safe and kind behaviors and coping mechanisms, when it was the toxic ones that got me through life from first coherence til getting to relative safety. Many were TAUGHT to me. It's unfair to ask me to flip a switch and be like everybody else. That will never happen and we have a lot of different abusers to thank for that. Maybe we should start putting the "blame"(if we have to place any) for REAL narcissism on the people who created it: the victims abusers.
More psych students like you, please. There's too many ableist psychs out there right now who dont believe in some disorders or treat others horribly and buy into popular bigotries about others. Keep going. We need you.
@@katemartin113Narcissist is a broader term than just NPD. When I say narcissist I mean a person who's narcissistic, I couldn't care less what their diagnosis is. I learned to recognize narcissistic people because they're innately more likely to reply trauma and abuse me.
Someone asking if someone is a narcissist isn't saying every narcissist is a person with NPD and abusive, they're asking if they're correct in seeing the signs of narcissistic abuse. It's a specific situation to be found in and having the words to describe it is important.
Yes, the terms are overused. But someone literally asking is trying to figure out if the term is appropriate anyways so it's kind of confusing to make that an issue here.
@@katemartin113I think it’s because sometimes people have behaviors that don’t feel comfortable enough to term as “abuse” it feels like too harsh a word. I had a former friend who sexually harrassed me, practiced triangulation against their exes, stalked people, and gaslit me when I spoke out. I didn’t feel “they’re an abuser/they abused me” quite fit right, and seemed like overreacting. So to explain that they had narcissistic manipulative behavior was the only way I felt I could explain it. Abuse feels too strong and you fear being told you’re overreacting or shadowing real victims, but we need a word to use to easily explain what’s happening without having to explain the whole complicated story. But I agree with your point.
I feel like for this subreddit, the stories are so crazy and the answer is always hell no you aren't overreacting
Shampoo is for removing hair oils and product. Brushes and combs are for dealing dirt, debris, and knots.
Water, fine tooth wooden combs, bristle brushes, and hair powder(both modern and historical) are all methods outside of shampoo that can remove/better distribute hair oil. Shampoo is not essential to hygiene, it's not essential to nice smelling hair either. You can use conditioners and hair oils for specific smells.
If you have a lot of dandruff, I'd recommend a fine tooth comb and/or maybe a bristle brush.
If you have a lot of grease at the top but dryer ends, I'd recommend a wooden comb(preferably finer tooth) and/or a bristle brush(especially boar bristle).
If you get greasy quickly, especially when you're at the point you need to shampoo daily, try washing your hair brush from time to time as hair oil can build up on it, and can get added back in. A bit of shampoo and warm water can both lint and oil off of your brush.
thank you for saying this here! it's super helpful, i had no idea about the hair powder thing!
I would be reporting that teacher. I'm not going thousands upon thousands of dollars into debt to get bullied by you, I would've called that teacher out so hard. Dude, god does not put me in these situations for a reason holy shit
Couldve been bunked with a simple google search.
Obviously it is none of the lecturer's business, but I bet the college would want to know so they can get them some HR training now, before they get the university sued . I feel it is pretty well known by now that different types of hair require different care, and also that 'unbiased rules on hair' has been historically used for racism.
In the great words of Miss Chappel Roan, “I don’t understand, why can’t any man..?”
Fun fact: you’re actually not supposed to shower every day! It’s bad for your skin, as our skin has natural oils that’s part of the protective barrier that most soap strips away. 3-4 times a week is usually fine.
If I don't shower daily, I break out in ache and develop scales on my skin. I'm not joking.
@@sashalynn6087 then this post isn’t about you.
@@sashalynn6087good for you, you’re an outlier.
@@sashalynn6087 that sucks and i'm glad the showering helps. wondering if you might have an allergic reaction to clothing detergents that makes it worse? just a suggestion if you haven't considered that.
@GodheadNee It's weird, it only shows up after the end of the next day if I don't shower daily. I should probably talk to a dermatologist about it. Just gotta remember to call, damn AHDH brain.
The last guy really feels like the guy is reading some "negging" posts, or whatever the current equivalent is, "make your girl feel insecure so she'll never leave you!"
That's EXACTLY what I thought of. He's purposefully mocking her to see what he can get away with....it's an abuser tactic.
Im a pyrophobic and have an anxiety disorder. One time I almost set my house on fire while cooking a grilled cheese. I didn't cook for MONTHS but I realized that other people in my household aren't physically able to cook and so I had to bite the bullet and try to cook again. I still don't like it but I realized that its not as bad as I though it was and that i could find things that were easier and less scary to cook. It always feels better to have faced your fears instead of letting them ruin your life and relationships. That guy is just making excuses, even if he does have a genuine fear.
20:08 I think I love this. Lobster ravioli without the ravioli. What's next? Soup without the bowl? Pie without the crust? The ravioli is the container for the meat. If you want lobster just ask for lobster.
Mmm, edible meat container.
Story about the pregnant woman and the food karen family, I understand wanting/needing things to be a certain way with your food, I've got a touch of the tism and I CONSTANTLY apologize for me asking for whatever but changing your order 20 mins after you already ordered something? And a lot of places these days now refuse to do customizations to their dishes barring an allergy bc of the karen mom
Its also kinda privileged to assume someone can have a shower every single day. My shower didn't work for a long time and i had to go to my moms house. It wasnt even that far, but it still kept me from bathing as much as i would have wanted to. I can only imagine living in your car or an old house or something
I lost hot water at my house..
. For 6 months
Yeah, i can't shower every single day because some days showering is the only thing i have energy for.
I have curly hair that tends to be super dry, so I only shampoo it once a week or once every week and a half. I’ve gotten off handed comments from people I’ve mentioned it to before. Everyone’s hair needs are different, so I’ve never understood the judgement. If it works for your hair and you’re being hygienic, then I don’t see the issue
me too, it takes a couple days for my curls to "reform" because washing my hair makes it frizzy and uncontrolable
Same, I have hip-length curly hair. My hair washing routine takes like 45 minutes at least, and it takes at least 4 hours to completely air dry. I only do it once a week. If I washed my hair every day, it would get so dry and brittle, there’s no way it would have gotten as long as it has.
@@violetsnotroses3640 I’ve been sick for a couple weeks now, so I washed my hair for the first time yesterday in a little over 2 weeks. Even with a heavy conditioner, my hair was so dry that I had to add oil to the ends. People can say what they want, but I will never wash my hair daily or even every other day. That’s basically just asking for my hair to break off.
girl let that man eat cereal for every single meal forever, he deserves nothing more
ETA: he can buy takeout to feed you if he refuses to cook the food himself. he can provide you a meal sometimes, it's supposed to be give/take
Hey, respectfully, I think you might have put the wrong one in your comment by mistake. You probably meant to put NTA [not the asshole]. But instead, you put ETA, which means everyone in the situation is the/an asshole.
@@Shingo-ok1lz the proper acronym used in AITA when everyone is indeed an asshole is “ESH” which means “everyone sucks here”. ETA means a couple of things depending on the situation, and in this one means “edited to add”.
@@anishinaabae Oh my bad dude! Thanks for explaining!
eta is edited to add, stay golden folks ❤️
13:12 I’ve read in multiple places that it can be detrimental to shower every day with certain skin types. I don’t know the truth to it, but I’ve definitely met people who don’t smell until several days have gone by
it can be detrimental to use soap every day in the shower for certain skin types, yes. but everyone should be washing their armpits, gooch, and asshole every single day with soap.
Yes. A certain percentage of humans don't sweat or only sweat in extremes (high heat, stress, etc.), which means their skin starts out dry and doesn't recover from having oil stripped from it easily. I'm one of those people. If I showered every day, I'd have scaly lizard skin. I already have to carefully lotion my hands every day to keep them from drying out from normal handwashing.
Even if you start to smell, I've read from skin doctors you can shower every day if you need to and only use soap in your pits, crotch and crack, basically whatever folds you have. Of course you’re free to soap up head to toe like every other day or whatever.
Cooking is absolutely a life skill instead of womans work, saying you're bad at a life skill is the worst excuse, thats why you practice and learn. I am like a food driven puppy so i always message my partner with supper ideas and thats the deal "here's what i am willing to make" and he can either agree, or offer to make something he wants.
The hair washing story made me think about Shanespear’s video on neohygiene. We conflate things looking orderly, a lack of body hair, or smelling nice with being clean. How often someone might bathe might be influenced by how they live, and what their needs are. When I worked at a job where I sweat often, and got covered in dirt, I showered more. At the same time I don’t like to wash my body more than necessary, because of my eczema. The process of washing my skin can be irritating, drying, and leading to painful rashes. I’m not unclean for not showering every single day, especially when I haven’t been sweating or spending time in the dirt.
"his ex treated him so badly that he doesnt show affection, gives gifts or cooks/tries to learn to cook"...oh honey, bless your soul...
That student in the second one should report that professor to the dean.
As someone who once consulted Reddit about my relationship problems, something DEFINITELY wasn’t right 💀
As someone who thought about doing it you are absolutely correct
The first guy probably was brought up being told that cooking and doing the dishes were “girl chores”. My dad wouldn’t even let me sweep and mop because I had sisters he’d rather make do it. Toxic masculinity is real, and some guys are still held back by it.
My dad wouldn't let me or my sister do chores because MY MOM had to do it
I appreciate you adding the it’s different when your not able bodied or minded, like actually, I hate being lumped into these conversations bc someone doesn’t think about ppl with disabilities
THE SILLY HAS UPLOADED I CAN FINALLY HE HAPPY AGAIN 🫶🫶
REAL❗❗
Oof. That second story brought stuff back. I also had neglectful parents who decided that no further instruction was needed once they were sure I wouldn't drown in the bathtub, and that was it. It took me ages, even as an adult, to fully realize that I wasn't just an innately disgusting person. What made me different from other kids was that their parents bought them deodorant, and explained to them about body hair, and took them to the dentist, etc. In hindsight, it's crazy the things you can think are normal when you're a kid.
My first ex started to do the same stuff as the guy in the last story instead of expressing when he felt hurt/annoyed/etc. Especially when your partner has asked you to stop, it's not a good sign when you keep going with the insults.
even showering every day isn't always something u have to do. I guess most ppl in their teens or 20s do need to shower daily (excluding the hair) but some ppl sweat more than others. some barely sweat at all. and some are disabled and literally can't do that due to being too ill to do it especially if u don't have someone to help out. so I hate this whole hygeine thing. one of the worst things about being disabled and bedridden is that I can no longer be as clean as I want to be no matter how much I wish that wasn't the case. it's so humiliating
With the shampoo, all hair needs different things, same with every skin type. Not everyone even needs to shower every single day, if you don't work out or sweat/smell. A lot of doctors even recommend showering 2/3x a week, since it is better for your skin. Hairtypes are so different, my hair needs 2x a week and looks great with it, otherwise it will get to dry and frizzy. As long as you smell and look okay, there is no real reason to be called unclean. Like I said, everyone is different and you should be able to do what works for you with no shame.
As someone with thin straight oily hair - were also not supposed to wash it everyday either. Over washing is one of the reasons it gets oily. Also it’s not good to shower in general every day for your hair or skin. Unless you’re getting super dirty or sweating a lot, it’s actually better if you don’t do it everyday.
Annamarie Forcino in their Video Essay Era? We need more of it honestly 👏🏽
Learned helplessness is also formed from parents that overly smother their kids by always cooking for them and doing everything for them. They may have even been bullied or yelled at for anything they attempted to do for themselves, creating an anxious response and fear of messing up everything they do for themselves.
My ex husband used to make me cook no matter what was going on in my life, I was working 12-24hr shifts at a hard hit hospital in 2020, he was working from home. He would pull me out of bed to cook for him if I tried to sleep without food or cooking. It’s traumatized me so bad I haven’t been able to cook a meal since and I left him 2 years ago 😅
For the last post I definitely don’t think op is overreacting, I think she’s pretty spot on that they probably just weren’t comparable. I think they just had different senses of humor and he was having a hard time finding what the boundaries were. My boyfriend and I joke like this and we’ve both hurt each others feelings numerous times and had to make up. We’ve been together for over a year and a half and we still are figuring out each others boundaries ever day (and sometimes it just depends on the mood we’re in as to what jokes we can handle)
My partner is not exactly a stellar cook but when I don’t feel like cooking, he either orders something for us, heats up some baked beans and toast, or chucks some frozen stuff in the oven and microwaves veggies!
It’s not rocket science, and there’s a big difference between making a 3 course meal and putting some tofu in a packet of ramen lmao
Learned helplessness 100%
I’ve never been so early to one of her videos. Anyway hello, online strangers. Have a nice day and make sure you eat and stay hydrated. Also, happy pride month 🎉🏳️🌈. ACE GANG REPRESENT!
Edit: I’m going to my first pride parade tomorrow. Kinda scared ngl but I’ll be going with my sister who is also queer.
A mood 😂
WOOOO!! ACE GANG!!
ACE GANG!
I like being part of the ace gang :)
my guilty pleasure is constantly falling down rabbit holes of these even though I know 80% of the popular ones are basically creative writing pieces
Happy Pride! Have a wonderful day and I’m proud of you!!
26:45 recently got out of an eight-month situationship and I spit my water SO HARD to that, i love Anna sm
Shampoo usage heavily depends on the type of shampoo youre using and what kind of hair texture you have. Over usage of most shampoos (shampoos meant for straight hair types and not for daily use) can cause dandruff or cause excessive sebum (oil) production to help balance the scalp's acid mantle pH (because the sebum protects the scalp and hair). If your hair gets dry or frizzy easily (people who live in warmer climates, use a lot of heated appliances, use a lot of chemcial products, and people with med-super curled hair), it's recommended to seek a stylist who specializes in shampoo to help decide what works for your hair and what doesn't or look to communities that have similar hair types for personal experience. Wash days depend so heavily on the person and what kind of lifestyles they have, so absolutely never feel as though you have to wash everyday if it doesnt suit your hair
-hairstylist
Also, the one with the guy who called her a beeping beep.....he's manipulating her so she overlooks the awful things he does, and he is abusive. The good things she then lists off sound more like strategic "checklist" tasks. If you find yourself in a similar situation....GET OUT NOW
I wish the first woman would just STOP. COOKING. If he doesn’t want to cook, he doesn’t have to eat. Simple. If you’re too sick or in pain to stand up, DONT COOK!!
So if she’s sick she’s suppose to starve to make a point? Doesn’t make sense.
i felt a bit bad with the first because i was afraid that i was being like the guy.. then i remembered that i don't cook because i lack energy to even actually eat.... ugh
but either way i'm still gonna make some effort to cook and eat when i know i need to cook and eat
for the second one, depends, some professionals say that washing your hair everyday isn't harmful, while some people even wash their hair once a week which is most probably also harmless i assume. I have curly hair and wash my hair multiple times a week so i don't know, i'm just quoting other people.
If you’re able to access medical care you might consider seeing a dietitian! I just say this bc I had disabling inability to eat for years and it was due to many factors combined, really needed doctor’s help to figure out what all was going on and what I could cook easily. It made the whole thing so much more doable. After years of being unable to eat and function I can eat again and the never ending nausea is gone. I’m sorry for unsolicited advice, I just think a lot of people don’t know this is an option! And also a lot of people don’t know how awful it is to have shit appetite! Good luck to you friend. You’re not the same as that dude at all
I think it depends on your lifestyle and individual body. I have curly hair as well and a huge part in keeping curly hair nice and healthy is keeping it moisturized. Curly hair in general usually suffers from dryness which a part of why curly products are different from straight hair products. Taking too many showers can actually be bad because it dries out your hair and skin for some people.
Taking a shower everyday is not needed for alot of people. If I took a shower every single day my skin would be cracked and bleeding and my hair would need products every single day. That would be a pain in my ass and wallet.
The Jojo Siwa essay was perfection 🔥 The most exhaustive and entertaining video I've seen on the topic.
It's weird to me that psychological terms that have been in use and have a specific meaning for decades if not centuries are suddenly redefined and used for something completely different?
Learned helplessness is a term that specifically means when someone, whether it's a person or an animal, is in an intensely abusive situation and eventually learns that there's nothing that they can do to get out of it so they go into a low passive state. They learn that no one is going to save them and there's no way to save themselves. So they stop resisting and stop trying to get away or defend themselves. They slip into a state of helplessness and depression in the face of an impossible situation. That is what learned helplessness means.
I can understand that just hearing the term might bring to mind something more like what is being described in this video.
But we already have a lot of words for what is being described in this video. Low self esteem, low motivation, weaponized incompetence, etc. We don't have to take terms that already have a meaning and give it an entirely new one. 🤷🏼♀️
He's not joking around. He is trying to tear down her confidence.
I think youre right, but I also suspect he's after a more blunt-force emotional trauma than that: he wants to hurt and humiliate her. His behaviour and the way he goes about it strikes me as someone who has a lot of deep-seated resentment or anger for his partner, and tbh I get the _strong_ vibes it's for women in general ... and it's like he's letting his rage fester until it pours out of him sometimes.
Why I think so:
1. His insults seem to be almost gender-flavoured in their variety: use of the female-specific sexually degrading terms wh0r3 and b!tch; taking manipulative photos of her not looking good to target self-esteem in appearance. The horrible nickname was the only one that was personal. It all reads like standard stuff any slightly misogynistic man will hurl at a woman on the street or in a rage-fuelled internet screed.
2. Unlike most abusers, the insults and semi-sadistic acts which while still giving off toxic manosphere/negging to the extreme, don't seem to be followed up with any demands or requests on his part or changes in behaviour on hers. Like, when you really come to study it, most abusers' actions - as well as for their own entertainment - are highly geared towards control. So think like psychotically accusing you of cheating you both know its impossible to have happened, but the end goal of that is to isolate the victim away from the opposite gender all the way up to people in general. Or going after someone's appearance constantly until the victim changes their clothes, fashion or general style.
This guy seemed to have part 1 of the abuse operations down: randomly and consistently grind your partner down, but I kept waiting for part 2 to drop. This _felt_ more ... I dunno ... like the highschool bully who didn't necessarily control your actions but took ownership of making you feel hated and angry? Pure punishment for punishments' sake vibes.
So all in all, I'm gonna take a strong guess that her bf has been - either way in the past or recently - been consuming some of the most toxic misogynistic content online (the ones that're like "women are incapable of feelings, they can only use people for validation or money, they are all secret humiliatrices who love depriving men of dignity, sex & affection") ...
And that shit has deeply festered within him so much that it's escaping in deliberate rage-bullets to his gf.
He may one day graduate to a more "traditional" abuser looking to exert power and control if left unchecked, but currently I think that's where he's at.
YIKES that hair washing one hit really close to home. in high school i was dealing with super bad depression and was having trouble motivating myself to get out of bed and brush my teeth most days so something like laundry or washing my hair was happening once a week and my hair would definitely start looking greasy between washes. i wore hats a lot and for the most part people didn’t say much to my face about it but i always felt really judged. around prom time they did class superlatives and i got labeled “best hair” and when i had to go up on the stage in front of everyone to receive my “prize” everyone including teachers were laughing like it was the funniest thing they’d ever seen and the “prize” they gave me was a huge bottle of shampoo. i’m sure they didn’t even realize how much that would hurt but i’m almost 30 and i still think about standing on a stage in my prom dress having the whole school laugh at me every time i walk down the shampoo isle or wash my hair
Washing your hair with shampoo every day is wild to me- it’s really bad for some peoples hair. I can only wash my hair every other day or it gets super fragile.
i have the oiliest hair known to man and i usually have to wash it everyday, i know some people say that washing it too often makes it even oilier but having dirty hair is so uncomfortable i'd rather just do it every day 😭 fortunately my hair is pretty short so i can do it quickly
I also was physically neglected at times as a child and I often didn't have clean clothes and had to wear the same socks and underwear multiple days in a row. I was always self-conscious about the way I smelled even though I would wash myself as often as I could (even though I often didn't have towels and I had a fear of showering in a certain house I lived in.) As an adult, I've had to relearn how to keep myself clean and I've learned a lot of things I was never taught as a kid. (Especially about my very very curly hair). Still self conscious about my scent.
The video essay was so good girl, I need moree!
As a child of neglect I only started to learn basic stuff like how to shower as properly as I can when I moved in with my grandmother in SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL. I am still trying to get my life on track at 22.
"Bad at cooking" is a crap excuse. That just means he needs to learn. How does he think people get good at cooking?
Weaponized incompetence
5:35 not only is a basic life skill, but saying "I can't cook" is the equivalent of saying "I jave never attempted to learn to cook" because EVERYONE sucks at cooking until they learn a little and most people follow recipes...so it's not like ppl are asking you to wing an entire meal
I HATE washing my hair. I only wash when my curly hair gets frizzy (every 3-4 days)
22:45 i just glanced and your mic arm looked like a gun 😂 gave that lil scene all the more ‘murica vibes!!
"Narcissist" being synonymous with "egotistical and cruel" when Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an actual mental disorder that affects real actual people is so frustrating. armchair diagnosing based on stereotype is not a good look for anyone.
Narcissism is its own character trait, not just a personality disorder though. The trait predates the diagnosis
trying to diagnose someone with npd would be massively uncool, but there are many people who are narcissistic without having the disorder.
fr tho, for the same reason i get really frustrated whenever people use the words psychopath or sociopath to describe someone being cruel or worse. like, idk, use different words instead of using ones that are also associated with one of the most stigmatized mental disorders...
5:32 bruh, you didn't have to drag me that much 💀
imagine lecturing your adult students out of nowhere on proper hygiene. that's none of your goddamn business, who does that??
Worked at a finer dining restaurant in college and when I got people like that mom, I would create simple menu items with them based on what they like then upcharge em on everything to make sure it’s worth it and usually the kitchen was cool with it as long as we weren’t too busy
That hair wash story is horrible. Especially cause there’s some racial history with black and Jewish people being called dirty for following hair care routines for curly hair… like if any of those students in that class have experienced that before the teachers inappropriate comments are compounded.
I was listening to the hair washing post as I was in the shower with absolutely no intention of shampoo my hair for at least another week 😂
The leg washing debate is so weird to me. Why is it that so many understand that everyone’s hair and scalp are different, but we don’t extend that understanding to legs? Overwashing your skin breaks down the acid mantle, a barrier of oils that helps protect you from harmful bacteria. Everyone is different and “overwashing” means different things for different skin.
If anyone is even reading this: you know your body and unless a doctor has told you that you need to change your hygiene practices, you’re doing okay.
i’m a sucker for the lil chapters in the video, they’re so cool and helpful! thanks for putting them in! :)
The hair one kinda messes with me because i have some massive curly hair, so i only wash my hair wonce a week or so because its too time consuming for me to do everyday and too big for it to dry quickly
same. most hair dressers wash their hair ab once or twice a week. not washing your hair every day itls pretty normal and i would bet money the people in that class that said it was disgusting dont wash their hair every day
5:31 ok so what baffles me is like, my mom SUCKED at cooking for the first IDK 10-15 years of my parents marriage (she was and still is a great baker). However because she was a stay at home mom for the first 10 years or so and my dad was the breadwinner she handled the cooking and made a great effort to learn. We all ate many burnt meals and dealt with 2 cases of food poisoning but she tried. She made sure we were fed and that my dad didn’t have to worry about cooking after a 10-12 hour shift. Conversely on weekends or special occasions he’d cook to let her rest since cooking made her so stressed. It all worked out and now almost 25 years in she’s good at cooking, both my parents taught my siblings and I how to cook so we could care for ourselves (and so she can have us do it if she’s not feeling well and my father is working.) You adapt in marriages to help each other, the man in this post should be able to at least make frozen pizzas, pasta and pancakes. These are all quick and (mostly) fail proof meals that can be handled by 10-11 year olds. It’s fine if they split the chores evenly and he draws a line saying unless you are sick or in need I will not be cooking as long as he’s willing to do it when his wife needs the help. My ocd makes dish washing hell so I prefer to not have it be my responsibility (I’ll clean toilets, and sweep instead )but if someone needs me to do it for them I can (very slowly and with breaks) do it and I do it right.
If anyone's response to, "hey, I'm struggling with something," is, "ew, you're gross," and not, "I'm sorry," or, "hey, would you like some help?" then NO, you are NOT overreacting if it makes you cry!! 😱
13:31 The biggest piece of advice I got about hair washing was shampoo is for your scalp, conditioner is for your hair. Shampoo can go in your hair, but conditioner should never touch your scalp. I was 23 when I learnt this after using 2-in-1 hair wash my entire life
Oh he mows the lawn. I doubt he is mowing it multiple times a day. That man is useless.
As someone with straight, oily hair, I have to wash my hair every day, and even I know that it's normal for some people to not wash their hair every day. I've even gotten judged for washing my hair every day before, but I literally have to. One day I was really tired the morning I was taking a shower and forgot to wash my hair. For the rest of the day I had a lot of people commenting on how gross my hair was and how I should take a shower, even though I literally had that same day.
Anyway, my point is that I forgot that it wasn't common knowledge that everyone's hair is different.
right? and if i just wash my hair with water, it will also end up looking gross either way
As a newly minted 40 year old, let me spread some wisdom when it comes to relationships:
There's a reason alot of older women who are single or not married are ....single or not married. They/we are tired of being a grown ass man's mother, punching bag, or prisoner (financially, emotionally, physically, etc).
Being single is always infinitely better than being in situations that don't serve you. You get more confident and convicted in who you are as you age, lean into it and don't be afraid to use your voice.
im so obsessed w bingewatching u so im glad youre making longer videos!!! :D
Forget it. I bathe once or twice a week and I know I'm not disgusting. I get that many body types require more bathing in order to feel or smell clean, but not all bodies. I think America in particular is obsessed with the idea of daily showers. Would never knock someone who needs to, or who feels gross if they don't, but it is completely optional. And as sometime who had a hairdresser as a mom, I can confirm that washing your hair every day is bad for it. Washing with water is completely acceptable and does the job of cleaning out grime. One shouldn't only ever wash with water, shampoo is great, but unless it stinks or itches, you are not causing anyone problems. I hate that smug superiority people like that think they have.
I love these types of videos! Going through Reddit and breaking down different topics together. Is strangely calming. Thank you for posting ❤