@@ProudlyAutistictripping over words and saying the contradiction to what you mean is also an autistic trait, usually apparent when dealing with narcissistic environment.. those that relate understand.. again, thank you for posting! 🥰
I'm diagnosed with what used to be called Asperger Syndrome - on the autism spectrum. I feel your pain in posting this comment! I'm constantly screwing up with emails -and ending up having to send second ones correcting my mistakes. It's incredibly humiliating. When you're on the spectrum you try SO HARD not to stick out as limited or handicapped. But in my case, I almost inevitably fail. Over and over again.
My mother was a dangerous, malevolent malignant narcissist. I am on the autistic spectrum. She beat me unconscious repeatedly. She was also a primary school teacher. She was also violent at work. When I was in senior school, older brothers & sisters of children in her class, often approached me to complain about my mother. Eventually parents of a girl she beat up took her to court. The school was so desperate to get rid of her that they let her retire early on a full pension.
@@sarahstrong7174I'm so sorry you went through this. I thought that I was part of a very reduced group of autistic people being raised by a narcissistic mother and an emotionally unavailable, sometimes abusive, 'almost narcissistic' father. It seems to be, there are more than I thought of us. I don't know if I should feel relieved that I'm not alone on this, or to feel saddened that this is happening to others as well. It's horrible, this is one of the worst nightmares that anyone could live. I could've handled abuse from someone else while having the love and support of my mother by my side, I would have healed as well, but because it is my mother who's my @bu$er (I don't wanna get censored ) it is tremendously worse and hurtful, and difficult to let go of the pain and heal. So far, by researching, I've self diagnosed with: HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), CPTSD, Autism, Audhd... And I'm very sure of these diagnosis cause I check almost all the marks, which is very sad and alarming that I've survived a narcissistic mother with all of these traits and conditions. Without mentioning being diagnosed with chronic depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder (which is a wrong diagnose for a very traumatized mind while being autistic and with a narcissistic mother). But I have God now, he's my only hope.
@@yamiletsoler3464 I am very sorry to hear that you have also suffered this. For me the extreme violence lead to me being somewhat mentally handicapped. You can probably guess that has lead to further a buse from others, including more people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Not people who I have been in relationship with as I have not succeeded in making relationships, but adult ed' teachers, neighbours & a so called support worker. Unfortunately narcissists choose to take roles which give them access to vulnerable people. Thankyou for responding to me. It sounds to me very likely that you also have Narcissistic Abuse Victim Syndrome. I hope you will be able to get some good help with this. All the best.
Yes, yes, yes!!! Narcissistic dad and (possibly autistic?) mom here. I wasn’t going to get married as I noticed the men I was attracted to were like my dad and I knew that was a recipe for disaster. Finally a friend suggested I look for the opposite traits of my dad and also his good traits. I found a really great partner and have been in a good marriage for almost 25 years. ❤
Wow, I'm so glad you found a good one! I looked for the opposite too. Turned out he was intentionally hiding bad behavior. I had trauma dumped early so he knew my triggers and what to avoid in order to fool me. Once things started to deteriorate all those bad behaviors surfaced since he already "got me." Even though he hid the controlling behavior at first, there were so many red flags I was blind to. I'm so happy you found the right person early on 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic yeah I have been the victim of a mate crime more recently. Finding out I’m autistic has been very empowering. I check in with trusted “seeing eye” NT friends now if I think I’m seeing red flags with someone.
@@coreycox2345 that's not a red flag for me. Red flags for me, as an abuse survivor, pertain to their character and how they treat others. Are they genuinely kind or are they manipulative? How do they handle criticism and disappointment? Do they talk it through and accept accountability or do they deflect? Stuff like that.
Narcissistic grandfather, narcissistic dad, autistic mom, i have autism, i have an autistic child, I accidentally married a narcissist while actively trying so hard not to marry someone like my dad….it really is a common problem and a very dangerous one that is not addressed enough or given enough awareness. Thanks for talking about this and making me feel less alone. It happens to the best of us who are trying our best
@@randomaccessmemories8912 I'm sorry you're in that situation. I hope you have the ability to get out, if you haven't already. It's definitely hard when you also have a narcissistic parent as they might not offer you support like a healthy parent would (at least not without making a huge deal about what they're doing for you). Please take care of yourself. I can only say so much here, but I know it's hard 💛
I’m going through exactly what you wrote. That’s an eerie feeling. I’m glad I’m not alone but wish it wasn’t so common. At least I know what’s going on now.
@@RhymeandRamblings I am really surprised at how common this exact situation is! It makes me feel like a variant in an autism multiverse…how many of us must play out this same scenario in alternate realities!? Jk but it is strangely coincidental, someone needs to study us..
@@randomaccessmemories8912 I feel bad for my kids and really hope they don’t repeat this pattern. I’m glad more people are talking about narcissists and how to avoid them.
I also have 4 generations of autism on my mother's side and a narcissistic father. I went no-contact with my father 2 years ago and told him I did not want any inheritance from him either. Best decision I ever made about him. My 21-year old daughter is also autistic and so is my uncle. Trying to be brave and accept that being single forever after 3 failed marriages is the best decision for me and frees me to help others and better serve God. Being single does not mean being "alone" and staying connected to groups of people is very important.
All members from each generation have been diagnosed with autism? Or are you making assumptions? I find this tends to happen, since my narcissistic wife blamed me and my family as all having autism when our son was diagnosed. Of course, I blame her narcissism on her BPD.
Beautiful. I had a narcissistic father who had two autistic children before me. This was in the 50s so no diagnosis. I have more traumatic memories about the abuse of my sisters than I have of my own . You get stronger when it’s done to you , but watching some one else’s pain in your family makes you feel helpless.
@@Kryonsmommyi agree so much with your comment!! Watching your narcissistic parent abuse your siblings hurts so much and when you're a child you have to witness that and can't do nothing... that's very traumatic in itself.
So true. I married a narc. I thought I had found someone who actually accepted me. How wrong I was. My (likely autistic) mother became his most vociferous flying monkey. I really hope my kids make better decisions than I did. The fact that we are the natural prey of narcs makes achieving (self) diagnosis/recognition really important - at any age.
I'm so sorry your mother didn't support you. When I left my narcissist, my parents had more of a "told you so" attitude.. I was very alone. My autistic parent was a flying monkey too as it relates to my narcissistic parent. They could do no wrong. I knew it was time to go no contact when they said I was misremembering the past and that things that very clearly happened did not. It's sad. Hard to say with kids. It probably largely depends on their relationship with their dad and if they recognize his behavior as npd (as opposed to a temper). I was just looking for someone who didn't yell, so I didn't realize what I actually needed to avoid. I think the best thing you can do for your kids is to make sure they know you love them, you're there for them (especially if they're struggling in a relationship), and be transparent, as appropriate, about your past mistakes (without bashing their dad). It's tricky 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic So sorry you've gone through two close relationships with narcs. It's a really difficult situation to extricate from. My youngest was the first to put the right name to what their father was. By then, I had come to understand what things were wrong but didn't have the knowledge or vocabulary to name it. Both kids are in relationships that look good from the outside but, as you and I both know, all sorts of things go on behind closed doors. I know not everyone will agree - a lot of GPs certainly don't - but I feel very strongly that this is why even late identification of autism is important. If there's even a small chance of saving yourself from a narc's clutches, it's worthwhile.
Oh, I'm glad they put a name to it. That hopefully means they're invested in not repeating the cycle. I would just do your best to let them know you're always there, no judgement. That was my challenge....when I saw red flags, I had nowhere to turn. So I ignored them. I agree about the importance of diagnosis, even if it's late. Lack of diagnosis can significantly impact career and relationship outcomes.
Same…my mother and spouse were two peas in a pod. hell bent on causing me harm for some reason that had nothing to do with love. Stopping there ❤somehow I have managed to salvage the love in my heart I was born with.
Same goes for people with ADHD I guess...I can completely relate to this! Although I would extend this to people with a narcissistic personality style, not just NPD: in my experience, narcissists generally don't think there is anything wrong with them and certainly won't go to a psychiatrist, so will never get diagnosed with NPD. Instead, they will point the finger at you, which is that much easier if you are diagnosed with autism or ADHD, because clearly YOU are the crazy one and thus the problem. They might even seek praise from other people, wanting to look like a hero, for putting up with someone with such a difficult disorder.....they will try anything to prevent people seeing what they are really like!
This makes so much sense! I recently got an autism diagnosis at 32 and feel confident that those traits came from my mother's side. My dad isn't diagnosed (he's an elderly Jamaican man, so no chance of that happening) but from what I understand about NPD, he seems to check a lot of boxes and I wouldn't be surprised if that was what he was struggling with. I never understood what drew my Mom to my Dad, he was always super abusive and would never take responsibility for his addiction and how he messed up our lives, but my mom has low self esteem and is always blaming herself when things get bad and saying she deserves it. Anyways, the godsend is that I think both my grandparents might have been on the spectrum and my grandpa worshipped the ground my grandmother walked on. My mom didn't care about herself, but she sure cared about me, so when my dad got physically abusive, she left. I was only two at the time, and thank God my mom was always super close with my grandparents and just moved in with them. I didn't have to grow up with abuse being normalized, truly leaving my dad was the greatest gift my mother gave me and herself. Without knowing it, I've probably avoided narcissistic people like the plague. Anyone who reminded me of my Dad even a little, was a no-go.
Taking the narcissistic modeling out of me has taken me sooooooooo much time and energy, but it was super worth it, my life is so much better, and I even am able to detect narcissists and walk away from them before golden handcuffs (marriage, pregnancy, cohabitation) are put on me and then I’m turned into a resource/service provider! I made a self healing playlist in my account for anyone curious!!!! You can get it out of you, you can break the cycle, you can be free, you can be surrounded by people who respect and value you for who you are
@@kuibeiguahua thank you for this wonderful comment. I've never heard of narcissistic modeling before but several people have used the term as a response to this video. I assume you mean when you pick up narcissistic traits due to the proximity/it being normalized? If so, that definitely happened to me. It took some serious life events to make me realize I needed to change. But that's the difference between me and my parent. I was willing to change. Thank you again 💛
I’m in my 40s and still learning to give and accept compliments. I never got them and if I did they were usually backhanded or with a catch. So I always felt awkward encouraging or complimenting people. That being said, I liked your post, you will keep getting better!
Good for you!! If only yoi can convince other narcissists that being honest and getting help will be the best for them and those in their lives...they usually self destruct and refuse to get help cause they are "perfect"...sigh.
Wow! That was close! I had just about decided to disclose my autism at work. How could I do that?! Two of the three men I work with are narcs! Didn’t I learn anything growing up? Did I forget so soon after the other two narcs retired?! I’ll have to advocate for myself and let my needs be known without explanation. Too bad. Amazing video!
Good save. I did it, didn’t end well. I’m in AZ where they don’t like intellectual women in power. Won EEOC case for gender and ability discrimination ✅ but blacklisted and on disability now.
This is definitely an important topic, and probably a pretty painful one too. A thought that hasn't left my mind for months is how important it would be to provide information about this as early as possible in order to break the seemingly endless cycle when those affected are not sufficiently informed or interested.
I agree it's important, but I guess the question is where could we have learned about it earlier? It's not something that works easily into casual conversation. I suppose parents or mentors growing up could do it. However, that's highly contingent on having a healthy support network (and non-narcissistic parents). For many of us, we find out after the fact, with a therapist. For me, I first stumbled upon the term when my narc parent, desperate to keep me under control, started to accused me of being one. I was done. That was the last straw. In regards to guidance on autistic relationship dynamics, I think the challenge is that the people providing guidance don't have the lived experience as an autistic person. That's why videos are like this are important. It's important to start to generate content about very real issues that only an autistic person would think to address.
@@ProudlyAutistic Now my approach is relatively simple: Basic psychological knowledge belongs in school so that affected children can at least not only get an idea that something is actually different, but that they can name it in basic terms, even if they do not have a healthy environment. The second step then takes place with hopefully well-trained professionals.
Did you struggle initially? I have a hard time at times not having a family. It can be hard seeing the tight bonds others have and knowing I will never have that with my parents. My children will. But I'll always have a void. It has gotten much easier and going no contact was/is in my best interest. It's still difficult to wrap my head around though.
@@ProudlyAutistic it’s a grief process. You lose all the flying monkeys, not just the narcissist. Look at it this way on you build from a strong foundation from here on in.
Super helpful! It's generational in my family as well, and I know others who struggle with this. I'm glad someone has finally talked about this pattern.
THIS! Thank you Karen! This was perfect timing because I am currently navigating life and reparenting my 'inner child', after going no contact with my narcissistic family. Everything you just shared is almost exactly what I experienced with my family as well. I needed to hear this today so thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Your message conveyed a light. ❤😊
Thank you so much for highlighting this pattern. It is extraordinary that it is only recently that we have begun to talk about this vulnerability and it is vital that we push the topic right into the middle of the overton window to ensure that the young womeen and men of this generation have a chance to interrupt the cycle. warmest regards (another:) Karen
Thank you. Yes, this is an extremely important topic for our community. Whether they're narcissists or not, we must understand our vulnerabilities to bad actors.
It was, but I didn't know it was abnormal until my 20s and I learned more about my friends' upbringings. It's still hard for me to wrap my head around people having a stable childhood with normal parents. For so long, I didn't think dynamics like that even existed. I don't mind talking about this. I'm so numb to it. Part disassociation, part extensive therapy ...
Wow! My Dad was narcisstic and my mum was possibly autistic and even though I really didn't want a relationship like theirs I ended up marrying a covert narcissist. I have only recently realised that I am autistic. Like you and others here, I am super trusting and believed him when he told me he loved me. Fast forward 20+ years, a lot of those spent in survival mode due to him neglecting/blaming/gaslighting me and I am now thankfully recovering well. Thank you for sharing and highlighting this real and important danger to other autistics like us. I would love to be able to help prevent others going through the same ordeal.
The generational aspect of this what prompted me to finally forgive my narc family. To see the potential world through their undiagnosed lens and how high subconscious masking turns into normalized abuse.
Bingo. This is my life. There’s so much I could say about this, but I’m just glad someone is connecting the dots. I could relate to everything people talk about in the autism community and I was recently diagnosed in my 50s. My last relationship was with a textbook narcissist/psychopath. Spent the last five years strategically, removing myself from both him and my dysfunctional codependent family. My children and I are proudly and safely Healing and learning to embrace our autism and grow in a healthy way, together :-)
Thank you for helping me feel less alone. I grew up with a bipolar mom and narcissistic father. I'm 45 and still trying to make sense of all of the abuse I endured over the years. I find it safest to be alone. But this gives me hope that maybe one day I will also find a kind and respectful partner to share my life with.
Join meetup group, focus on hobbies, and be open to new things. Not necessarily to meet someone, but for your own personal decelopment. This confidence and dedication to self-growth will eventually attract someone good. Just make sure to stay firm to your boundaries. Good luck, good people are out there but I know it can feel treacherous 💛
Thank you ❤ Im 56 and trying to set myself free and love myself and be able to enjoy and take care. In Sweden its so hard to be understood in these fields of struggle. Generational trauma is a fact. Im no contact with all my siblings n families, mom is 87 soon, trying to cope. Its hard. Im happy you showed up in my feed, I need to learn more. @@ProudlyAutistic
I ended up exclaiming "Wow!" as I watched the parts of this video describing the narcisist / autistic relationship pattern in families. It was like someone I've never met was describing my family history!
❤ You are a Devine being shining your brilliantly bright light on this perpetual cycle of suffering with incredible clarity and bravery.This is the truth that sets up free and breaks the chain. Bravo 🙌
Thanks for saying ''Our community' because we really arent alone. As differently as autism presents, it really is a similar experience we recieve socially from neurotypicals.There really isnt a struggle for community once an Autistic person has dealt with enough strife from neurotypicals and narcissists, its just about finding other autistics or people who dont just tolerate you.
Thank you for this. Karen you have been such an important part of my self-discovery and now your information has validated a lifetime of narcissistic family and marital abuse. ❤❤❤
I wish to humbly suggest that narcissism and autism are not mutually exclusive. No, not all autistic people are narcissists. But some, like my late father are. Also ADHD is now seen to be co-occurring with both autism and NPD. My mom was dysregulated AuDHD and likely BPD. She could not cope with him. (Neither could I ). Im a very codependent fawning AuDHD in recovery who has also fallen for narcs my whole life. I frankly see autism as lending to folks doubling down on whatever personality traits they may have. I am still healing from these wounds in my fifties. Finally seeing clearly for the first time. It is not either/ or though. This is a dangerous binary that set me up for my current abusive relationship five years ago. Not all narcissists are grandiose. The covert vulnerable ones can do just as much damage while masquerading as helpless childlike people who care. Beware.
My ex has narcissistic personality disorder and ADHD. He and his family also carry the gene for autism. Our son has mild autism and his half brother has mild autism and ADHD. 2 out of 4 nephews have mild autism & ADHD as well. That whole family has problems related to their mental health or were born with disorders. My ex being his narc self denied that his son was autistic and I only found out when I was pregnant with his 3rd son
This is an amazing topic, I am fascinated by narcs! I think because I have had them in my family I’ve done so much work on trying to understand them and try to still find a way to love them despite their issues. Taking the time to figure out your own limits and boundaries is really important. I agree though for some the damage and lack of accountability is too extreme so no contact is definitely what is best. I hope you do more videos on this topic!!
I've been in a similar situation, trying to love them through it. I really didn't want to go no contact. However, they refused to take accountability. Even under the threat of losing a relationship with me and their grandchildren, they just couldn't acknowledge the validity of my feelings. I hope you have a better outcome. Thank you for commenting, I will do more on this topic 💛
Narcissists breed narcissists but keep in mind that autism breeds narcissism too. Autistic parents can raise children who become narcissists. There is a close connection in many ways.
@@anja4755 If I were to make an assumption, an abused autist would teach their children to be the dominant force instead of the submissive one, because they wouldn't want them to go through the same things they did without a warning of them happening. So, they accidentally create a narcissist, because the autist overly explains how people work, and rather than use this information as a defensive asset, they use it for offense. But it could be just as well that this person is trying to gaslight.
As a high masking daughter of a cluster b mother who has cptsd and didn’t know that I am not allistic until my late forties, I can see this dynamic so clearly now. I also believe my adoptive father is neurodivergent.
You are very brave. Thank you for shining a light on this dynamic. I hadn’t put it together before but it does make a lot of sense. My dad is narcissistic and mom is likely autistic. She let him blackmail her into letting him have custody. In our 30’s both my brother and I have gone no contact with our dad. We both have autistic traits as well. It was very painful and still is. Our dad did a lot for us but at the same time heaped on shame and guilt.
Autistic women married to a narcissist man for 15 years. Me being autistic also gives my husband a upper hands in our relationship. He often uses my lack of emotional control, and difficult reading others to shup me up in conversations or gaslight me into believing his version of the story. " You know how difficult to live with someone like you" "You know you often mispercept others intentions."" Who is the one that works hard and keeps our family together" ......ive heard way too many of these types of comments throughout my marriage. 😢
I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for your insight. Both me and my autistic parent dealt with similar comments. I hope you have the ability to leave at some point. It's scary, but so much better on the other side 💛
I just found this video, and I'm in tears of how grateful I feel about finding this. I'm autistic and I have started to question my childhood and people around me back then, and now who has these traits of negative and harmful behavior, not to mention even gaslightning and manipulation. I have gone in therapy a long time in many years to find out what's wrong with me and what am I doing to people that makes them treat me like this and how do I change myself so they will respect and like me. But then, later in life , I found information about narcissism and other harmful things people are doing, and also, I got my autism diagnosis. All this in combination I learning that wait maybe it isn't me that is all wrong. Maybe something else has been going on, and I know acknowledge that. Not to say I'm perfect. I am working on myself to be a better person. But I also need to break this cycle other people are doing to me. It goes deep. I'm still learning about this and these videos, and I will check others' videos of yours to get more information about this.😊 I feel that if I'm going to be a better person and grow as a person, I need to put boundaries to this kind of person. Because other people do impact ones and can either help you grow or make an obstacle to you growing as a person because they wanna control you and want you to be like they benefit from. Thank you for putting out this information that is going to help me for sure! It means a lot. ❤
Karen. I just want to thank you for your videos. I think I have watched them all. You are very authentic and genuine in your autistic journey. I have learned alot. Thank you.
I am autistic and my father was an psychopath dark triad. I was abused by my father, my sisters than I married a very narcissistic lady that made my life a hell, I had 3 kids and after a divorce my kids was alienated and helped my ex to abuse me even more. I decided to cut all of them form my life. After the divorce I decided to find a woman with better values, it took me more than a year but I got her, we’ve been married since 2013 and I feel respect today, I’m very very happy with my wife and it helps to coping when I miss my kids.
this is a pattern that I have recognized in my own practice, and I am grateful to see this recognized from someone who identifies as autistic. It makes sense and is very helpful.
I’m not diagnosed with autism but I have got autistic and adhd traits. My daughter is diagnosed autistic and my other daughter also has autistic traits. The typical target you describe for narcissistic abuse was exactly me! I didn’t even realise I was in a narcissistic relationship until we broke up (my doing after finally realising I was worth more than I was receiving in this relationship) after 25 years. I looked up covert narcissism and it exactly described our relationship. It was confusing because he could be kind for extended periods of time but he ticks so many of the boxes, especially the gaslighting, and his needs always came first. I’m so grateful to be out of this relationship and it’s so heartening to hear you that someone that you deserve and respects you❤️
OMGoodness, are you my long lost twin? I too am 3rd/4 generations of this exact thing! I felt like you were describing my life as you shared your family story, from the parents and grandparents to me finding a fantastic 2nd hubby, and even my children. Thank you SO very much for putting this out there shedding a light on the problem.
My mother seems to have vulnerable NPD and my father is likely AuDHD. I unfortunately was so used to abusive relational patterns that I married a man with ASD and likely vulnerable NPD but it wasn't recognised by his health providers - they just saw panic disorder, ASD, and MDD. I tried for 14 years to get him to seek more help but he refused and I finally had to leave for my own safety as I as passively suicidal every day and was being retraumatised by him - I have ASD and C-PTSD.
I feel this. My mom shows some autistic traits (an argument could also be made for OCD, or both,) as well as CPTSD. She is also a vulnerable narcissist and has allowed her own traumatic childhood to act as an excuse to make mine and my brother's HELL. Dad is certainly ADHD, if not AuDHD, and has depression and CPTSD. Not that either have diagnoses; they're baby boomers, and of a generation where these issues weren't even really known about, much less treated as anything more than a weakness. Plus, Mom would tell you all of the suffering in her life is caused TO her, and she's entirely innocent and correct in every regard. A narc doesn't TRULY believe that, but they externalize and project, having temper tantrums until someone feeds their supply. Dad withdrew, enabling her, and she taught me that love is conditional, that I'm lazy and defiant for my SEVERE ADHD (with a splash of 'tism) when I couldn't sit and do homework right after school, took too long to get ready in the morning, or got distracted while trying to clean my room. I'm 30 now, and had to move back with them since COVID triggered several disabling physical health issues and executive function problems. My autism was suspected at one point, but misdiagnosed; I misread social cues, but it was misdiagnosed as Nonverbal Learning Disorder (the main issue there was actually CPTSD and a tendency to see faces as unhappy or angry on first glance tbh.) My ADHD was missed entirely. I was socialized as a girl. I began my transition to live as a man at the end of my freshman year in college. While I knew I was a boy at an early age, this just became another thing I learned to mask. Despite having a rough time in K-12, I graduated with a 3.7GPA, 2 majors, and a minor. Tons of extracurriculars (theatre, MTG club, president of the GSA,) teacher's pet in many classes.. Being away from my folks meant I could learn who I was, and I could throw myself into hyperfocus with subjects I actually liked. College gave me a chance to leave an abusive partner, and meet new friends and a guy who's no longer my boyfriend, but still my best friend. After college, I had a few years of success managing a head shop and their chain's social media. I started going to clubs and concerts, discovering I was actually an extrovert (as well as an appreciation for LSD.. lol.) I met amazing people, and felt proud of myself. Until COVID. I also found myself dating a girl with BPD, and our trauma and reactions to it became a slow-motion trainwreck, one which took 2.5yrs to end. We got COVID right after moving in together in March of 2020, and it wound up disabling me (and triggering bipolar on top of everything else.) Last year, my financial situation tanked enough that I had to move back with my folks. Thankfully, since then, I've had years of trauma therapy, and many psychedelic experiences, all of which helped me bring these patterns into perspective. My practice developing mindfulness skills, along with my psychology degree, give me words to put to my experiences and help me process my pain and have more compassion for both those who have hurt me, and for myself.
I've had a similar experience in my life and I'm glad to see this topic presented so personally. In addition, I'd like to emphasize that this dynamic is not exclusive to autistic women and narcissistic men. Autistic males are also vulnerable to being targeted by narcissists and family dynamics certainly contributes to that tendency. It's not just romantic partners but all types of relationships that are affected. I'm currently in my 60s and only came to recognize my autism and related challenges in my mid 50s. I've spent the vast majority of my life under the thumb of one narcissist after another without a clear understanding of why or that it wasn't normal. I have a child, likely also ND. They've recently married and they seem to have made better choices, perhaps as a result of recognizing a pattern with me they did not want to repeat. At my age I've found peace (more or less) in solitary pursuits. I've not given up entirely on the possibility of a relationship, but in the time I have remaining I want first to establish a healthy relationship with myself. Right now I know that if I let my guard down the pattern will repeat itself.
This is such a vitally important video. I've been looking for content like this, so I'm incredibly grateful you stepped up to share it. Very well-presented.
I cut my narcissistic sister off about a year now. It's so nice to not be told and showed how inferior I am and how superior she is with every single interaction. I'm proud of you for cutting them off and then making a video educating us and being vulnerable in it. It takes a lot of courage and confidence in yourself to do so, and by even just telling all of us that there is hope, you're sharing your courage and confidence so that others can escape too. If narcissists could understand that, they'd be so envious rn, but who cares what they would be?! lol This is about us. Thank you ❤
I have a theory that many people now being dx’d with ASD actually have severe C-PTSD, since the same area of the brain is impacted for NPD, C-PTSD and ASD.
I think many of us are both ASD and cPTSD. Growing up autistic without diagnosis is incredibly traumatic. However, any traits we might have that seem to mirror NPD generally have different motivators. It's all about intent...
@che4840 if there were some drug that could be prescribed as a result of the findings of such a test, there might be a financial incentive on the part of the medical-industrial complex to approve such a test. As it is, no one can make any money off of an accurate diagnosis, and so there is no will to help such people. At all.
Such a helpful video. And btw your eyes are GORGEOUS. ❤. Literally golden! I couldn’t stop staring at them! Anyway, Thank you for this amazing resource 🙏 My husband is a narc and I’m struggling quite a bit with what to do next as I am healed or very close to it ( I know it’s ongoing but I just mean my healing is reaching a fuller expression)
If you have a close friend or family member, I'd try to get emotional support there. Or a therapist. DV shelters and resources can also provide you with safe exit options if that's a concern. Good luck 💛
I see a lot of conflation between narcissism, autism, and "borderline personality disorder" (which honestly feels like the modern-day "female hysteria" diagnosis with the way it gets applied). In many cases, I think C-PTSD is a better fit for the symptomology that gets covered with the BPD label. It's nice to see your angle of the conversation. I also was trained in the same way, that my value hinged on what I could provide for others, what roles I could fill for them, and that none of my needs mattered more than the Wants of others. It's a helluva thing to de-program. And I hate seeing the behaviors/thought patterns I inherited from my narcissistic father & C-PTSD "martyr-mom" show up in myself, but at least I can identify & challenge them from the perspective I have now that I'm creating distance from the situation & healing. I feel bad for both of my parents in their own ways, and definitely built compassion for them before I was allowed to build compassion for myself. But they're not people I can keep in contact with while also maintaining any progress I've made in healing the impacts of trauma on my mental health. If that makes me "weak" or prompts a smear campaign against me, so be it, for that is beyond my control. And to quote the band Wallows: "okay, I'm a [f--in'] loser who doesn't wanna talk to you !" X
I really relate to this. Yeah, I'd love to be able to have a relationship with them, but not at risk to my mental health. They have not taken any accountability and unfortunately pitted some family against me. It's difficult, I'm sorry you know the situation well 💛
Thanks for explaining this. Just like you mention I was so so so naive and the narcissist took advantage of me. I had so longed to have a relationship different then my parents!
Thanks for this. Very succinct. This gybes with my lived experience as an autistic man. I was undiagnosed for the first 57 years of my life. I went no contact with my mother for a decade before she died. She was a malignant narcissist - psychopathic, sadistic, manipulative, exploitive and abusive. It’s impossible to put such malevolence into words - especially when it’s your own mother. The thing is, she may have been autistic as well. I’ve come to view autism as something akin to left handedness. It has nothing to do with the character of a person per se. Yes, the adversity it brings might influence the way a child’s personality develops, but me and my sibling experienced horrific abuse, are both autistic, and yet did not develop malignant narcissistic personalities as a result. If autism is genetic, perhaps narcissism is as well. This would make sense given the affinity narcissists have for sensitive, vulnerable people. Perhaps both sets of traits tend to run in families and are perpetuated by nature because they are adaptive in some way. The prevalence is certainly high enough to suggest as much. In the end, the most difficult part of having such a toxic mother (father was probably autistic as well, and equally abusive, though not a malignant narcissist) was realizing that she was part of me, and so was was my father. That I too have the devil inside me, and that I had no choice in the matter. The difference is that I recognized this, and sought to reckon with that darkness rather than deny its existence and then project it onto those around me. Jung called this “The Shadow Self” and theorized that integrating our darkest impulses, thoughts and desires into our personality is the most thing we can do to reach our full potential, and to avoid becoming the monsters my parents became. I don’t know if that’s the case, but it’s been a useful way for me to make sense out of my neurological condition, personality, and the fact I’m a child of for want of a better word - Almost pure evil. I say almost, because as bad as those two were, they each had some redeeming qualities, and some humanity. Which makes it worse if you really think about it. Heavy stuff indeed. Subscribed. Thanks again.
@TheWilliamHoganExperience What were your grandparents like if you don't mind sharing? I had a nearly similar upbringing, although it's my dad who is the scariest of the two. My paternal grandma lived with me growing up and she was so sweet to everyone. I know she was (undiagnosed) autistic, but I don't understand how someone she raised could have grown into a monster. My brother and I grew up with empathy and don't hurt others. I have three (autistic ) girls ages 24, 14 and 11 - and they're wonderful humans.
Excellent explanation, thank you so much. So sorry for your painful childhood. 😢 I didn’t know any of those things either and suffered so much, like you. So sad to think of my own child this way. His dad being narc and he being (I think) Asperger’s, it was a perfect storm. He hasn’t spoken to me for about 3 yrs and is friends with other narc family members and I’ve had to accept it. I’m hoping that he will wake up one day.
- The video discusses the connection between autism and narcissism, focusing on the vulnerability of autistic individuals to narcissistic abuse. - Autistic people often attract narcissists due to qualities like a lack of firm boundaries, low self-esteem, and a strong desire for acceptance and love. - Narcissists seek out partners who are easy to control, often targeting those with limited support networks and who are overly trusting. - The video highlights the heritability of autism and the tendency for patterns of narcissistic abuse to repeat across generations. - The speaker shares their personal experience, being raised by a narcissistic parent and later entering similar relationships as an adult. - The importance of setting healthy boundaries is emphasized to prevent the cycle of abuse from continuing in multi-generational autistic families. - The main connection between autism and narcissism is not shared traits but the susceptibility of autistic individuals to narcissistic abuse. - The speaker encourages viewers who are in abusive situations to believe in their worth and seek healthier relationships. - The video ends with a message of hope, affirming that breaking the cycle of abuse is possible.
1:57-2:15 You are describing me exactly. 😂 There were two people attracted to me that seem to have all the hallmarks of narcissism. But I won't say that they are. Either way it is incredibly difficult managing a relationship with someone who utilizes gaslighting and passive-agressive tactics. Even someone who screams at you for nearly every petty thing that irritates them. 😮😢
Thank you for this. I’m currently attempting to navigate my way through very similar painful truths. I feel I’m at a crossroad I’ve been at before, but keep defaulting back to what I’ve always known- old habits, complying with what’s expected of me because it feels easier than forging my own path and letting go. I’ve gotten physically sick in doing so, not to mention mentally and energetically. My life is so limited and small compared to what I get glimpses of it could be. I’m also seeing the intergenerational trauma for what it is and wondering if I can maintain contact with family, but with strong boundaries. I know I need to put myself first for a change. I’ve just recently realized that I am likely autistic with adhd and have endured abuse since I was an infant at the hands of my cluster-B mother, and later in life with unhealthy parters. I truly want better for myself. It feels like the battle of a lifetime, disengaging from old, unhealthy ways of thinking about myself and relating with others and instead stepping into the new…
I like how you raise a point that this can be expanded out to Cluster B personality types. I am the first autist generationally in my family. Since a young age, I have always tended to befriend, date, or be attracted to people with Cluster B disorders. I still can't figure out why. I think it is because Cluster B people tend to have exaggerated expressivity and emotionality, which makes them easier to read for me. I have low empathy, so I don't feel a sense of danger or disorder from the Cluster Bs which I have heard NTs DO experience as a warning before the manipulation. I also think the intensity of attention and lovebombing that comes from the early stage of manipulation from Cluster B types satisfies the amount I need from another person in order to feel seen. I've been in so many toxic relationships and pretty much destroyed by this type of person, so I swore them off. I can see them coming and walk away. I've been in therapy for years. I decided to stay away from this type of person and refocus on other types. I've stuck to my guns and boundaries: Cluster B, leave them be. As a result, I've felt no real attraction or desire for anyone for half a decade. I wonder if I've been completely ruined from earlier encounters, or maybe that *is* my type based on autistic inflexibility and preferences formed early in life.
I doubt you're "ruined" rather cautious and selective. It makes sense. It took me a year to enter into a relationship after leaving an abusive one. And I spent years being skeptical of everything, trying to think of any reason to leave. Thankfully he loved me through it and we've been together for 7 years. However, it can be extremely difficult to trust again. That's reasonable and understandable. I'm sure a great person is out there for you, one who is willing to be patient. However , I absolutely understand never wanting to date again. As it relates to why we're attracted to them. I think it can be a number of reasons. For me though, it was the sense of belonging. Suddenly I found someone who wanted me around. Granted, it was so that they had an audience, but it was just nice to not be lonely. They also took the pressure off to be social. They always seemed to have the right answer. They could always keep a conversation going. They were also charismatic and the life of the party. They gave me access to a life I had never experienced and that was attractive.
@@ProudlyAutistic Thank you for the kind words, and I am glad you found happiness after your own bad situation. People need to understand it really takes us longer to heal tham even a normal person-- physically, emotionally-- I think it's about how deeply things can get internalized in us as opposed to NTs I have met. In my own healing journey, I think I've moved from "being afraid" to just "not wanting it enough," which might be a step in the right direction. Instead of fight or flight, I may be frozen in place. Also, yes, absolutely to that point about the Cluster Bs having the superficial charm. I think their ease navigating social situations even superficially made me feel socially safer (because I am socially blind), plus the charisma/social skills seemed like "magic" to me and was so attractive. Thank you for posting this!
Thank you for this video today. I'm pretty sure my mom has npd real bad so now I'm able to recognize some things more and idk possibly helping her by understanding and then better guarding myself as well
If she truly has NPD, it's best not to negotiate with her or try to "enlighten" her. They will not change. They will use your feedback as weaknesses to exploit later. If you suspect NPD, I would read up on it and if at all possible, discuss it with a therapist that understands it. True narcissists are master manipulators, so you may need support. Good luck 💛
I just discovered you by watching this video. I am Autistic, and at 40 years have gone no-contact with my narcissistic mother this Summer. Thank you for sharing
I’m SO GLAD you made this video because my father was never diagnosed but he showed so many autistic traits that I’m sure he was on the spectrum and my mom, I’m not sure, but she may have narcissistic traits. I ended up with a covert narcissistic husband and after 40 years together and 4 children he’s final discarded me. He’s a textbook covert narcissist to the point where I can predict his actions based on the criteria. My therapist said he can’t diagnose autism in me yet because trauma from narcissistic abuse crosses with autism so I would have to heal the trauma first to be diagnosed. I believe my sister is further on the spectrum than me because she shows stronger traits than me, as well as one of her children. Of course none of us are diagnosed so this is an armchair diagnosis. My sister was married to a grandiose narcissist, I’m 100% sure of that as well. I’m still trying to figure it all out. But thank you for addressing this issue ❤ it makes so much sense!
That's interesting that they won't diagnose. I can appreciate that they are trying to be responsible but it seems like they should still be able to. They should be looking at lifelong behaviors, not just where you are now. Checkout the Embrace Autism website. They have some great resources that might be helpful. I'm sorry you went through everything that you did. Good luck on your healing journey 💛
Yes, although there is more awareness around the issue. Id recommend finding someone who specializes in diagnosing autism in adult women. They should also specialize in cPTSD. That should ensure they know what they're seeing. Good luck!
Wow, I reconstructed this myself, seeing my life and past, my autistic traits, and my unfortunate entanglements with narcissists (25 years with a npd, and before that a narcissistic parent and a parent exhibiting autistic traits). But your video summarizes it so well!
People don't seem to recognize the connections between autism and narcissism. But they are in fact highly correlated and especially anti-correlated, i.e. the traits are in the same domains but complimentary opposites. e.g. easily manipulated vs highly manipulative, rigid adherence to rules vs feels rules are for others/bends rules, blunt honesty even self-detrimentally vs manicuring personas for perceived benefit, light/irregular eye contact vs bold eye contact, rejection of social hierarchy & desire for equality vs creation of social hierarchy to elevate the self, difficulty with self-promotion vs excessive self-promotion, imposter syndrome vs undeserved self-confidence. People don't realize it it, but being raised with narcissistic abuse, and the c-ptsd it produces, is sufficient to create all of the traits of autism. For instance, narcissistic parents "groom" their children to expect narcissistic abuse as is described in this video, not just in that they won't notice it due to the normalization but also that it causes one to only feel "at home" when being abused and they will therefore actively seek it out. They teach the child to believe them without question, as if a god, before the child can even speak, but soon the child sees differences between the reality of their experience and the "truth" their god enforces upon them, by violence if necessary creating an incredible internal cognitive dissonance. Narcissists also use "coded language" similar to cults, that results in communication difficulties with others who don't speak the child's "native" language but one so close as to be indistinguishable to those who don't know the difference, which causes missed social cues. Narcissistic parents invalidate their children's needs, even physical ones like hunger, thirst, need to use the bathroom, etc resulting in both missed interoceptive signals as well as a failure to seek help meeting needs later in life. Narcissistic parents use resources as a weapon to discourage undesired behavior and encourage desired behavior, which can result in a unique "spiky profile" of interests and abilities. The list goes on and on. And people assume "genetic" when they hear "hereditable", but "mimetic" is also another possibility: essentially that it is passed down as socio-cultural teachings rather than through DNA, like how "religion" is highly hereditable. And this being the case, not only could autism result as an opposite "co-narcissistic" response, it's not controversial that children learn from their parents by example. So autistic parents are just as likely to teach their children to be autistic because of the narcissistic rules they suffered under which they believe society says are necessary and so of course they teach their children that as that is the exact category of thing that is expected to be taught to children. So once narcissistic abuse starts in a family line, it could continue until an autistic child, which could continue again, until a child which finally figures it out before repeating it onto the next generation. And historically, this being the case, it wouldn't be surprising to see autistic children born in Germany in the 1930s, or in the US in the 1940s or 1980s and 90s considering the dominant cultures in those places at the time. And the narcissistic abuse at those times also wouldn't be surprising considering the timing of the "lead-crime hypothesis" as well.
And corollaries to this are the so-called 'vaccine theory' which of course narcissistic parents would espouse as a victimization, as well as the popularity of ABA as it is easier to sell narcissistic parents on institutionalized narcissistic abuse than that the problem is that they are abusing their children.
I feel sad for these cut family bonds. I understand these decisions very well and they are ours to make, but man... it's deep and harsh, heartbreaking. Good that you are on your feet. Autism awareness very important. Narc abuse not so fun.
As an autistic person, I learned in grade school to avoid others. That has shielded me from getting into a situation of being stuck with abusive people. Unfortunately, I weed out good people at the same time in order to play it safe. As someone who needs to control my environment, so that it is predictable and manageable, I tend to be the difficult one. It's not intentional, but it can seem abusive sometimes. This is due to frustration over other people not understanding that certain things need to be a certain way and that it is very important. A good example is my wife using the ice dispenser without warning me to cover my ears. It is one of the loudest most obnoxious noises ever devised by the human race. It sends me through the ceiling. It makes me very angry, and then I look like a jerk for yelling about it.
Your wife is not required to accomodate you. You need to learn how to cope with loud noises that scare or bother you in better ways. Yelling at your spouse for using a basic household item is damaging to the relationship. Practice self-soothing exercises and use calming tools. Autism is not an excuse to have angry outbursts.
I'm going both ways on this. Routine and sensory challenges are legitimate concerns. I get unpredictability can be overwhelming. In regards to sounds, I have an autistic child who can also be set off by the ice maker. When I remember, I make sure to give her a verbal heads up before I use it. That said, if she EVER yelled at me....just no. Not acceptable. Yelling is not acceptable. Use your words. I say that not as a criticism, but a gentle nudge in the right direction. To the best that we can, we need to find ways to cope and not make people responsible for our feelings and needs.
@@ProudlyAutistic I don't have control over it whenever it happens, and it's not as bad as I'm making it sound. There are good days and bad days and I try to prevent it from happening in the first place.
@@julietteferrars3097 Like I said below, it's not as bad as I'm making it sound. It was more of an example of why and how it occurs. I'm not looking for excuses, and think it does provide an explanation that can be used as a way to figure out how to avoid these situations and mitigate them.
@@julietteferrars3097? Sorry no he does NOT need to “tolerate” noise/pain from a household item when any empathetic compassionate partner who cares about ‘his’ needs can simply say “ I’m going to turn on…..do you want to grab your ear protection or leave the room? You sound self centred and ableist. If you had Hyperacusis or even understood it you would understand how ridiculous your comment is.
super important, thank you for this video. My narcissistic mother still is alive, whereas my autistic dad passed away due to an autoimmune disorder called ulcerative colitis, which developed when he got bullied by his classmates when he was very young. There is a link between autoimmune disorders and autism/ fight or flight mode, impact on the gut and cortisol spikes .
Yes, a few years ago when I learned that I'm autistic and explored conditions like narcissism, I realised that it must be the pattern that you see in your childhood. Me and my granddad were two peas of a pod. And then my grandma was narcissist. And my first husband was narcissist and I lived that life for 15 years. In first couple years I tried to convince myself that this is only that I can get as a husband and it will become better by the time. Three years on I realised that it never will be better but I felt helpless and clueless what else I can do with my life. And I kept floating down that stream, trying to keep my children to the best I can think of. And when I finally realised that I can do more than I believe myself I tried to say what I really think of that marriage being a failure. I quit it and never ever had any regrets. If only - why didn't I have earlier that power to say out loud my actual thoughts.
I'm super passionate about this topic and truly enjoyed your video/discussion touching on important points that need to be shared. I wish I could shout this from the rooftops but the internet will have to do. Thank you!
My parents are both different types of Narcissists, my mother's type, the covert one, was litterally hell for me. My siblings turned out Narcs and my partners were, apart from one autistic man, all Narcissists. I began healing from CPTSD about three years ago, when meeting my husband who is the healthiest person I've ever had in my life and I've only realised I'm autistic about three months ago, although I kinda knew about 15 years ago, but dismissed all the signs. About three weeks ago I was also diagnosed highly intelligent ADHD
@@i.ehrenfest349 I wouldn't do a test, to make it clear and I hate the highly intelligent thing. but it explains a lot of my additional problems because I've never been supported by my abusive parents. Someone I know has highly intelligent boys and the older one did tests and they even keep it a secret due to reactions like yours. But for the boy it was a life-changing diagnosis because he suffered tremendously in our school system. For me, it doesn't help me, I'm 52 and I clean houses for 20 years
Took me a few years after diagnosis to get to this realization. Family refuses to accept or acknowledge that genetic stuff rolls downhill. Initially I mistook this as religious fundamentalism and ignorance but I also just now realized how politics underpin all my family’s belief systems. Now it suddenly all makes sense and I can quietly keep backing away and maintaining boundaries. 💓
My mom is both autistic and a covert narcissist, and my dad was a raging narcissist, all undiagnosed but very obvious to any of us who can recognize the behaviors and effects from a lot of experience and study. I’m on the spectrum, used to have narcissistic traits before I started healing, and have also had various issues with anxiety and depression. I most closely identify with BPD characteristics (lived decades disassociated before learning what it meant to be “here” and at nearly 40 still struggle to be in my body for more than seconds at a time before zoning out and being somewhere else mentally) but likewise not officially diagnosed. Anyway, I’ve had a lot of relationships as an adult and now realize I seem to only meet people who are moderately-strongly autistic and/or narcissists. Maybe it’s just who’s left in the dating pool after all the healthy people got in and stayed in relationships, considering my age, but I feel like the only people available are those who others can’t handle, and so people only come around because they’re essentially strays who have no one “better” (healthier/more “normal”) than me to share time with since everyone else keeps them at arm’s length. After healing so much and becoming so self aware when it comes to my traits and how I’m perceived, it’s strange to me that I seemingly used to meet and hang out with plenty of healthy and/or relatively neurotypical people when I was living in a shadow, unaware and unempathetic. It sounds like your husband isn’t a narcissist, but is on the spectrum or were you able to attract and make it work with a neurotypical? Would you cover topics around how to find and connect with people who are good for us? This is the first video I’ve watched of yours but in looking through others you have there are already several I plan to watch next. Thank you for talking about autistic life and related mental health topics and sharing your personal story. It’s heartwarming to know you found your way out of the trauma and into a loving relationship with someone kind. I hope for the same in my future. ❤
Yes; we seek that which is familiar. Actions speak louder than words, observe their behavior! I was raised by a covert & overt narcissist; the cruelty was horrific. After 2 failed marriages metaphorically the first to my dad & the second to my mom… found a wonderful human being who happens to be on the autistic spectrum (as was his mother). We’ve been married 41+ years and still LOVE each other. (Yes, I am OLD.)
I did not get diagnosed until age 55. If I had been diagnosed as a child, and there were MANY signs, I would have been on the lookout for these dynamics, and I would've never married the Narcissist who I was trapped with for 18 years. Hindsight is 20/20 of course.
My ex gf I firmly believe is a narcissist but her really good friends both of which are autistic, she used to babysit them years back but now older still hung out and basically best friends. I always thought it was a kind of weird type of relationship or weird dynamic because I met them, it kind of felt predatory on her part, they are adults and there folks were okay with her. Her friends were unbelievably nice and cool, but they were always trusting, somewhat naive, not too many friends, and gave her an ego boost, gave her whatever she wanted, had no boundaries, etc, Thank you for connecting the dots.
thank you for sharing your story to benefit our community. I have experience with narc parents. it's hard to come to terms with the fact that you have been emotionally abused by people who were supposed to protect and care for you.
I think what has been hardest for me is lack of accountability. I can forgive them for having a bad foundation and making mistakes in my childhood. However, I can't forgive them for choosing not to grow from their adversity, choosing to gaslight me at every opportunity rather than recognize their mistakes when confronted.
@@ProudlyAutistic yes, not growing or holding themselves accountable is a narcissistic trait. they don't have the ability to be self reflective or understand how their behavior effects others. sucks for us.
Thank you. Same happened to me. No contact since 13 years. Until 30 further abuse - interchanged love, care with abuse. Met my autistic father with 30 years the first time. 5 years before his death. Unfortunately she, my biological mother, manipulated him to give me free for adoption (for her and her new lover that also had no love for children). So he gave up his father rights although he was capable of loving and caring for a child - the most important trait I wished for as a child: feeling safe, welcome. I'm still trying to heal suppressed emotions. Every other adult child of narcissistic abuse I met feels anger or even hate for the perpetrator/s. Am I not capable to feel this emotion in regards to her deeds (towards others like my last therapist that disrespected me, I was able to feel anger) or is it really just deep seemingly endless SADNESS that I can feel? Trying to heal chronic pains and I think suppressed emotions can be expressed like unexplainable pains. Compassion immediately kicks in when I dare to think an angry thought just to provoke this feeling.
I am so incredibly sorry that happened to you. I don't feel anger towards my narcissistic parent. Just disappointment and maybe disgust. They've let their pride get in the way of having a relationship with me and their grandchildren and it's just so incredibly sad. I've lost my other parent and sibling in the process. All they need to do is take accountability for the past and respect my autonomy as a grown woman. They have repeatedly declined to do that. In regards to your pains, I deal with something similar. I have a functional neurological disorder due to severe cPTSD.
@@ProudlyAutistic Thank you so much for sharing. Yes, me too. Disappointment and disgust when I think back what I endured with them especially her. Pride, interesting, this could have been the crux with my mother too. She so often belittled my real father, called him bad names and said so often to me how she felt shame when others see me with her UNLESS I played with her the doll/princess game (looking like a model so she could say "Yes, we could be sisters. Oh you're so pretty. My genes.") AND didn't say a word unless she asked me to say something. Truth teller. Wasn't working. We were living on different consciousness level planets. The worst thing she said to me once was (I was maybe 13 but feeling much younger): "I can understand the bullies in your school. I can't stand you too. You make it impossible for me or anybody else to like you.". One can say bad things and apologize after and I will get over it when it doesn't happen again. But with her it was standard to never hear "I told you crap, am frustrated with my life, it wasn't your fault, not your responsibility to make me happy." but "It's all your fault!". I know it's not true but it's ingrained subconsciously and narcs have a radar for someone who is able to feel toxic shame and guilt and therefore can be manipulated easily. May I ask what functional neurological disorder due to severe cPTSD you have? I feel that I have that too but it hasn't a name yet. The ADHD diagnosis and clinical Autism suspicion I only have because I care for my wellbeing and searched online for good diagnostics. Got dismissed by standard doctors so often like by my parents. They have no time, only wanna prescribe pills and bye. Some think having health insurance is a good thing (in Germany the payment is mandatory I tried to cancel contract but got ignored). Real caring doctors are so rare and almost always in private practice, so not reachable via standard health insurance. I have to pay private when I want real good helpful not more damaging health care.
Both my parents are diagnosed cluster B. I've been no contact with my father for 23 years. I am preparing to go no contact with my mother...again...for the umpteenth time. I've had a multiple abusive relationships with narcissists, only one landed me in the hospital. I finally learned how to keep myself safe 5 years ago. I dont have IRL friends, I don't socialize with any family, and I don't date. Ever. I'm never lonely and I'm never bored. Thank you Autism ❤
My situation is similar. No contact with one parent, other is very strained...essentially no contact. My relationship was abusive, but I can't speak to it much here. I'm lucky I got out when I did. Shame I stayed so long. I'm still feeling the devastating consequences years later. Glad you're in a better place now 💛
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Ugh! 05:19 inherent AUTISTIC traits. Sigh...I was tired. Sorry about that! 😆🤦♀️
caught that and knew what you were talking about!
They sound too similar. A bit of a tongue twister when filming late at night. I edited it out, hopefully it will update soon.
@@ProudlyAutistic Thank you for covering this topic 💕
@@ProudlyAutistictripping over words and saying the contradiction to what you mean is also an autistic trait, usually apparent when dealing with narcissistic environment.. those that relate understand.. again, thank you for posting! 🥰
I'm diagnosed with what used to be called Asperger Syndrome - on the autism spectrum. I feel your pain in posting this comment! I'm constantly screwing up with emails -and ending up having to send second ones correcting my mistakes. It's incredibly humiliating. When you're on the spectrum you try SO HARD not to stick out as limited or handicapped. But in my case, I almost inevitably fail. Over and over again.
Narcissists delibererately seek out vulnerable people & often do jobs & take on roles that give them access to vulnerable people.
My mother was a dangerous, malevolent malignant narcissist. I am on the autistic spectrum. She beat me unconscious repeatedly. She was also a primary school teacher. She was also violent at work. When I was in senior school, older brothers & sisters of children in her class, often approached me to complain about my mother. Eventually parents of a girl she beat up took her to court. The school was so desperate to get rid of her that they let her retire early on a full pension.
@@sarahstrong7174 Jesus loves you dearly!💜✝️
I am so, so sorry for what you have had to endure. I hope you have found peace and healing with time 💛
@@sarahstrong7174I'm so sorry you went through this. I thought that I was part of a very reduced group of autistic people being raised by a narcissistic mother and an emotionally unavailable, sometimes abusive, 'almost narcissistic' father. It seems to be, there are more than I thought of us. I don't know if I should feel relieved that I'm not alone on this, or to feel saddened that this is happening to others as well. It's horrible, this is one of the worst nightmares that anyone could live. I could've handled abuse from someone else while having the love and support of my mother by my side, I would have healed as well, but because it is my mother who's my @bu$er (I don't wanna get censored ) it is tremendously worse and hurtful, and difficult to let go of the pain and heal. So far, by researching, I've self diagnosed with: HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), CPTSD, Autism, Audhd...
And I'm very sure of these diagnosis cause I check almost all the marks, which is very sad and alarming that I've survived a narcissistic mother with all of these traits and conditions.
Without mentioning being diagnosed with chronic depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder (which is a wrong diagnose for a very traumatized mind while being autistic and with a narcissistic mother).
But I have God now, he's my only hope.
@@yamiletsoler3464 I am very sorry to hear that you have also suffered this. For me the extreme violence lead to me being somewhat mentally handicapped. You can probably guess that has lead to further a buse from others, including more people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Not people who I have been in relationship with as I have not succeeded in making relationships, but adult ed' teachers, neighbours & a so called support worker. Unfortunately narcissists choose to take roles which give them access to vulnerable people.
Thankyou for responding to me. It sounds to me very likely that you also have Narcissistic Abuse Victim Syndrome. I hope you will be able to get some good help with this. All the best.
Yes, yes, yes!!! Narcissistic dad and (possibly autistic?) mom here. I wasn’t going to get married as I noticed the men I was attracted to were like my dad and I knew that was a recipe for disaster. Finally a friend suggested I look for the opposite traits of my dad and also his good traits. I found a really great partner and have been in a good marriage for almost 25 years. ❤
Wow, I'm so glad you found a good one! I looked for the opposite too. Turned out he was intentionally hiding bad behavior. I had trauma dumped early so he knew my triggers and what to avoid in order to fool me. Once things started to deteriorate all those bad behaviors surfaced since he already "got me." Even though he hid the controlling behavior at first, there were so many red flags I was blind to. I'm so happy you found the right person early on 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic yeah I have been the victim of a mate crime more recently. Finding out I’m autistic has been very empowering. I check in with trusted “seeing eye” NT friends now if I think I’m seeing red flags with someone.
@@CATISTIC70 Wouldn't they see different things as red flags, like not liking chit-chat?
@@coreycox2345 that's not a red flag for me. Red flags for me, as an abuse survivor, pertain to their character and how they treat others. Are they genuinely kind or are they manipulative? How do they handle criticism and disappointment? Do they talk it through and accept accountability or do they deflect? Stuff like that.
@@ProudlyAutistic, I agree. I was pointing out that neurotypical people might see things differently, but it is minor compared to your point.
Narcissistic grandfather, narcissistic dad, autistic mom, i have autism, i have an autistic child, I accidentally married a narcissist while actively trying so hard not to marry someone like my dad….it really is a common problem and a very dangerous one that is not addressed enough or given enough awareness. Thanks for talking about this and making me feel less alone. It happens to the best of us who are trying our best
@@randomaccessmemories8912 I'm sorry you're in that situation. I hope you have the ability to get out, if you haven't already. It's definitely hard when you also have a narcissistic parent as they might not offer you support like a healthy parent would (at least not without making a huge deal about what they're doing for you). Please take care of yourself. I can only say so much here, but I know it's hard 💛
Covet are most difficult and slik of the NPD because they hid in plan sight, getting them caught in is next to nothing.
I’m going through exactly what you wrote. That’s an eerie feeling. I’m glad I’m not alone but wish it wasn’t so common. At least I know what’s going on now.
@@RhymeandRamblings I am really surprised at how common this exact situation is! It makes me feel like a variant in an autism multiverse…how many of us must play out this same scenario in alternate realities!? Jk but it is strangely coincidental, someone needs to study us..
@@randomaccessmemories8912 I feel bad for my kids and really hope they don’t repeat this pattern. I’m glad more people are talking about narcissists and how to avoid them.
I also have 4 generations of autism on my mother's side and a narcissistic father. I went no-contact with my father 2 years ago and told him I did not want any inheritance from him either. Best decision I ever made about him. My 21-year old daughter is also autistic and so is my uncle. Trying to be brave and accept that being single forever after 3 failed marriages is the best decision for me and frees me to help others and better serve God. Being single does not mean being "alone" and staying connected to groups of people is very important.
It sounds like you have a good plan. And I love "being single does not mean being alone." You're absolutely right.
All members from each generation have been diagnosed with autism? Or are you making assumptions? I find this tends to happen, since my narcissistic wife blamed me and my family as all having autism when our son was diagnosed. Of course, I blame her narcissism on her BPD.
Beautiful. I had a narcissistic father who had two autistic children before me. This was in the 50s so no diagnosis. I have more traumatic memories about the abuse of my sisters than I have of my own . You get stronger when it’s done to you , but watching some one else’s pain in your family makes you feel helpless.
2 failed marriages here and I am getting more comfortable with the idea of being alone forever. ❤
@@Kryonsmommyi agree so much with your comment!! Watching your narcissistic parent abuse your siblings hurts so much and when you're a child you have to witness that and can't do nothing...
that's very traumatic in itself.
And SOMETIMES someone can be both, but these two things are not synonymous. Thank you for posting this.
This!☝️☝️☝️
Yes! 😢
Both is definitely a thing
YES!
Yuuuuuuuup my family is chock full of them
So true. I married a narc. I thought I had found someone who actually accepted me. How wrong I was. My (likely autistic) mother became his most vociferous flying monkey. I really hope my kids make better decisions than I did. The fact that we are the natural prey of narcs makes achieving (self) diagnosis/recognition really important - at any age.
I'm so sorry your mother didn't support you. When I left my narcissist, my parents had more of a "told you so" attitude.. I was very alone. My autistic parent was a flying monkey too as it relates to my narcissistic parent. They could do no wrong. I knew it was time to go no contact when they said I was misremembering the past and that things that very clearly happened did not. It's sad.
Hard to say with kids. It probably largely depends on their relationship with their dad and if they recognize his behavior as npd (as opposed to a temper). I was just looking for someone who didn't yell, so I didn't realize what I actually needed to avoid.
I think the best thing you can do for your kids is to make sure they know you love them, you're there for them (especially if they're struggling in a relationship), and be transparent, as appropriate, about your past mistakes (without bashing their dad). It's tricky 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic So sorry you've gone through two close relationships with narcs. It's a really difficult situation to extricate from.
My youngest was the first to put the right name to what their father was. By then, I had come to understand what things were wrong but didn't have the knowledge or vocabulary to name it. Both kids are in relationships that look good from the outside but, as you and I both know, all sorts of things go on behind closed doors.
I know not everyone will agree - a lot of GPs certainly don't - but I feel very strongly that this is why even late identification of autism is important. If there's even a small chance of saving yourself from a narc's clutches, it's worthwhile.
Oh, I'm glad they put a name to it. That hopefully means they're invested in not repeating the cycle. I would just do your best to let them know you're always there, no judgement. That was my challenge....when I saw red flags, I had nowhere to turn. So I ignored them.
I agree about the importance of diagnosis, even if it's late. Lack of diagnosis can significantly impact career and relationship outcomes.
Same…my mother and spouse were two peas in a pod. hell bent on causing me harm for some reason that had nothing to do with love. Stopping there ❤somehow I have managed to salvage the love in my heart I was born with.
@@Privatenospying Hope it only gets better from here on.
Same goes for people with ADHD I guess...I can completely relate to this! Although I would extend this to people with a narcissistic personality style, not just NPD: in my experience, narcissists generally don't think there is anything wrong with them and certainly won't go to a psychiatrist, so will never get diagnosed with NPD. Instead, they will point the finger at you, which is that much easier if you are diagnosed with autism or ADHD, because clearly YOU are the crazy one and thus the problem. They might even seek praise from other people, wanting to look like a hero, for putting up with someone with such a difficult disorder.....they will try anything to prevent people seeing what they are really like!
This makes so much sense! I recently got an autism diagnosis at 32 and feel confident that those traits came from my mother's side. My dad isn't diagnosed (he's an elderly Jamaican man, so no chance of that happening) but from what I understand about NPD, he seems to check a lot of boxes and I wouldn't be surprised if that was what he was struggling with. I never understood what drew my Mom to my Dad, he was always super abusive and would never take responsibility for his addiction and how he messed up our lives, but my mom has low self esteem and is always blaming herself when things get bad and saying she deserves it. Anyways, the godsend is that I think both my grandparents might have been on the spectrum and my grandpa worshipped the ground my grandmother walked on. My mom didn't care about herself, but she sure cared about me, so when my dad got physically abusive, she left. I was only two at the time, and thank God my mom was always super close with my grandparents and just moved in with them.
I didn't have to grow up with abuse being normalized, truly leaving my dad was the greatest gift my mother gave me and herself. Without knowing it, I've probably avoided narcissistic people like the plague. Anyone who reminded me of my Dad even a little, was a no-go.
Taking the narcissistic modeling out of me has taken me sooooooooo much time and energy, but it was super worth it, my life is so much better, and I even am able to detect narcissists and walk away from them before golden handcuffs (marriage, pregnancy, cohabitation) are put on me and then I’m turned into a resource/service provider!
I made a self healing playlist in my account for anyone curious!!!!
You can get it out of you, you can break the cycle, you can be free, you can be surrounded by people who respect and value you for who you are
@@kuibeiguahua thank you for this wonderful comment. I've never heard of narcissistic modeling before but several people have used the term as a response to this video. I assume you mean when you pick up narcissistic traits due to the proximity/it being normalized? If so, that definitely happened to me. It took some serious life events to make me realize I needed to change. But that's the difference between me and my parent. I was willing to change. Thank you again 💛
I’m in my 40s and still learning to give and accept compliments. I never got them and if I did they were usually backhanded or with a catch. So I always felt awkward encouraging or complimenting people. That being said, I liked your post, you will keep getting better!
Good for you!! If only yoi can convince other narcissists that being honest and getting help will be the best for them and those in their lives...they usually self destruct and refuse to get help cause they are "perfect"...sigh.
Wow! That was close! I had just about decided to disclose my autism at work. How could I do that?! Two of the three men I work with are narcs! Didn’t I learn anything growing up? Did I forget so soon after the other two narcs retired?!
I’ll have to advocate for myself and let my needs be known without explanation. Too bad.
Amazing video!
No! Don't do it! lol....yeah, narcs have a way of reeling us in and getting us to overshare. It backfires every time. I'm glad you caught yourself!
Good save. I did it, didn’t end well. I’m in AZ where they don’t like intellectual women in power. Won EEOC case for gender and ability discrimination ✅ but blacklisted and on disability now.
You were describing my life! Wow, thank you for being so brave and share this, you’re giving me hope. Thank you ❤
This is definitely an important topic, and probably a pretty painful one too.
A thought that hasn't left my mind for months is how important it would be to provide information about this as early as possible in order to break the seemingly endless cycle when those affected are not sufficiently informed or interested.
I agree it's important, but I guess the question is where could we have learned about it earlier? It's not something that works easily into casual conversation. I suppose parents or mentors growing up could do it. However, that's highly contingent on having a healthy support network (and non-narcissistic parents). For many of us, we find out after the fact, with a therapist. For me, I first stumbled upon the term when my narc parent, desperate to keep me under control, started to accused me of being one. I was done. That was the last straw.
In regards to guidance on autistic relationship dynamics, I think the challenge is that the people providing guidance don't have the lived experience as an autistic person. That's why videos are like this are important. It's important to start to generate content about very real issues that only an autistic person would think to address.
@@ProudlyAutistic
Now my approach is relatively simple: Basic psychological knowledge belongs in school so that affected children can at least not only get an idea that something is actually different, but that they can name it in basic terms, even if they do not have a healthy environment.
The second step then takes place with hopefully well-trained professionals.
Same, I went no contact 14 years ago. My health had never been better.
Did you struggle initially? I have a hard time at times not having a family. It can be hard seeing the tight bonds others have and knowing I will never have that with my parents. My children will. But I'll always have a void. It has gotten much easier and going no contact was/is in my best interest. It's still difficult to wrap my head around though.
@@ProudlyAutistic it’s a grief process. You lose all the flying monkeys, not just the narcissist. Look at it this way on you build from a strong foundation from here on in.
Super helpful! It's generational in my family as well, and I know others who struggle with this. I'm glad someone has finally talked about this pattern.
Thank you 💛
THIS! Thank you Karen! This was perfect timing because I am currently navigating life and reparenting my 'inner child', after going no contact with my narcissistic family. Everything you just shared is almost exactly what I experienced with my family as well. I needed to hear this today so thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Your message conveyed a light. ❤😊
I'm sorry it resonates, but I'm so happy it helped! Good luck on your journey 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic thanks! 🤗
Very underreported topic. Glad that you highlighted this issue and give testimony
Thank you so much for highlighting this pattern.
It is extraordinary that it is only recently that we have begun to talk about this vulnerability and it is vital that we push the topic right into the middle of the overton window
to ensure that the young womeen and men of this generation have a chance to interrupt the cycle.
warmest regards
(another:) Karen
Thank you. Yes, this is an extremely important topic for our community. Whether they're narcissists or not, we must understand our vulnerabilities to bad actors.
Thank you for opening up for this video - it must have been difficult for you growing up. 💚
It was, but I didn't know it was abnormal until my 20s and I learned more about my friends' upbringings. It's still hard for me to wrap my head around people having a stable childhood with normal parents. For so long, I didn't think dynamics like that even existed. I don't mind talking about this. I'm so numb to it. Part disassociation, part extensive therapy ...
Wow! My Dad was narcisstic and my mum was possibly autistic and even though I really didn't want a relationship like theirs I ended up marrying a covert narcissist. I have only recently realised that I am autistic. Like you and others here, I am super trusting and believed him when he told me he loved me. Fast forward 20+ years, a lot of those spent in survival mode due to him neglecting/blaming/gaslighting me and I am now thankfully recovering well. Thank you for sharing and highlighting this real and important danger to other autistics like us. I would love to be able to help prevent others going through the same ordeal.
I am so happy you're on the other side of it now. It's such a hard pill to swallow. Best wishes for a brighter, happier future 💛
The generational aspect of this what prompted me to finally forgive my narc family. To see the potential world through their undiagnosed lens and how high subconscious masking turns into normalized abuse.
well done my friend
Bingo. This is my life. There’s so much I could say about this, but I’m just glad someone is connecting the dots. I could relate to everything people talk about in the autism community and I was recently diagnosed in my 50s. My last relationship was with a textbook narcissist/psychopath. Spent the last five years strategically, removing myself from both him and my dysfunctional codependent family. My children and I are proudly and safely Healing and learning to embrace our autism and grow in a healthy way, together :-)
Very needed this discussion
Thank you for helping me feel less alone. I grew up with a bipolar mom and narcissistic father. I'm 45 and still trying to make sense of all of the abuse I endured over the years. I find it safest to be alone. But this gives me hope that maybe one day I will also find a kind and respectful partner to share my life with.
I hope I'm as lucky as you at 45 after all my life of being controlled.
Join meetup group, focus on hobbies, and be open to new things. Not necessarily to meet someone, but for your own personal decelopment. This confidence and dedication to self-growth will eventually attract someone good. Just make sure to stay firm to your boundaries. Good luck, good people are out there but I know it can feel treacherous 💛
Thank you ❤ Im 56 and trying to set myself free and love myself and be able to enjoy and take care. In Sweden its so hard to be understood in these fields of struggle. Generational trauma is a fact. Im no contact with all my siblings n families, mom is 87 soon, trying to cope. Its hard. Im happy you showed up in my feed, I need to learn more. @@ProudlyAutistic
I ended up exclaiming "Wow!" as I watched the parts of this video describing the narcisist / autistic relationship pattern in families. It was like someone I've never met was describing my family history!
weirdest thing, right? When i read about "aperger's syndrome"(what ASD used to be called) i was freaked the F out! SO WEIRD!
❤ You are a Devine being shining your brilliantly bright light on this perpetual cycle of suffering with incredible clarity and bravery.This is the truth that sets up free and breaks the chain. Bravo 🙌
Thank you 💛
OMG, thank you so much for this video. So glad you found happiness and a genuine loving partner. Lots of love and healing to you.
Thanks for saying ''Our community' because we really arent alone. As differently as autism presents, it really is a similar experience we recieve socially from neurotypicals.There really isnt a struggle for community once an Autistic person has dealt with enough strife from neurotypicals and narcissists, its just about finding other autistics or people who dont just tolerate you.
Thank you for this. Karen you have been such an important part of my self-discovery and now your information has validated a lifetime of narcissistic family and marital abuse. ❤❤❤
I'm so sorry you lived through it, but I'm happy I can be of some comfort. It's a difficult road.
i know a predator narcissist who has a tattoo saying "I love lonely girls" scary
yikes!
yikes..self aware and he dont care! hm rhyme time.
Truth in advertising.
Thank you! 💪💜 Your videos are so informative and helpful
I wish to humbly suggest that narcissism and autism are not mutually exclusive. No, not all autistic people are narcissists. But some, like my late father are. Also ADHD is now seen to be co-occurring with both autism and NPD. My mom was dysregulated AuDHD and likely BPD. She could not cope with him. (Neither could I ). Im a very codependent fawning AuDHD in recovery who has also fallen for narcs my whole life.
I frankly see autism as lending to folks doubling down on whatever personality traits they may have.
I am still healing from these wounds in my fifties. Finally seeing clearly for the first time. It is not either/ or though. This is a dangerous binary that set me up for my current abusive relationship five years ago. Not all narcissists are grandiose. The covert vulnerable ones can do just as much damage while masquerading as helpless childlike people who care. Beware.
My ex has narcissistic personality disorder and ADHD. He and his family also carry the gene for autism. Our son has mild autism and his half brother has mild autism and ADHD. 2 out of 4 nephews have mild autism & ADHD as well. That whole family has problems related to their mental health or were born with disorders.
My ex being his narc self denied that his son was autistic and I only found out when I was pregnant with his 3rd son
My ex also had adhd and NPD it blew my mind that both things could co exist in one person. So hard.
I agree and think this is a very astute observation! Listen up people
Yep. We often get stuck with really terrible people in general tbh. Thanks for making wonderful videos.
This is an amazing topic, I am fascinated by narcs! I think because I have had them in my family I’ve done so much work on trying to understand them and try to still find a way to love them despite their issues. Taking the time to figure out your own limits and boundaries is really important. I agree though for some the damage and lack of accountability is too extreme so no contact is definitely what is best. I hope you do more videos on this topic!!
In my opinion, if you can get a narcissist to do shadow work, there's a chance at healing.
I've been in a similar situation, trying to love them through it. I really didn't want to go no contact. However, they refused to take accountability. Even under the threat of losing a relationship with me and their grandchildren, they just couldn't acknowledge the validity of my feelings. I hope you have a better outcome. Thank you for commenting, I will do more on this topic 💛
Narcissists breed narcissists but keep in mind that autism breeds narcissism too. Autistic parents can raise children who become narcissists. There is a close connection in many ways.
Could you explain a bit?
@@anja4755 If I were to make an assumption, an abused autist would teach their children to be the dominant force instead of the submissive one, because they wouldn't want them to go through the same things they did without a warning of them happening. So, they accidentally create a narcissist, because the autist overly explains how people work, and rather than use this information as a defensive asset, they use it for offense.
But it could be just as well that this person is trying to gaslight.
Vague anecdotes aren't evidence.
@@anja4755 Different intentions, same neurological paths.
Thank you for covering this topic! I went through this too and feel so relieved that I’m not “too sensitive “ or “broken” any more.
Not broken! Good luck on your healing journey 💛
As a high masking daughter of a cluster b mother who has cptsd and didn’t know that I am not allistic until my late forties, I can see this dynamic so clearly now. I also believe my adoptive father is neurodivergent.
You are very brave. Thank you for shining a light on this dynamic. I hadn’t put it together before but it does make a lot of sense. My dad is narcissistic and mom is likely autistic. She let him blackmail her into letting him have custody. In our 30’s both my brother and I have gone no contact with our dad. We both have autistic traits as well. It was very painful and still is. Our dad did a lot for us but at the same time heaped on shame and guilt.
Autistic women married to a narcissist man for 15 years. Me being autistic also gives my husband a upper hands in our relationship. He often uses my lack of emotional control, and difficult reading others to shup me up in conversations or gaslight me into believing his version of the story. " You know how difficult to live with someone like you" "You know you often mispercept others intentions."" Who is the one that works hard and keeps our family together" ......ive heard way too many of these types of comments throughout my marriage. 😢
I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for your insight. Both me and my autistic parent dealt with similar comments. I hope you have the ability to leave at some point. It's scary, but so much better on the other side 💛
I just found this video, and I'm in tears of how grateful I feel about finding this. I'm autistic and I have started to question my childhood and people around me back then, and now who has these traits of negative and harmful behavior, not to mention even gaslightning and manipulation.
I have gone in therapy a long time in many years to find out what's wrong with me and what am I doing to people that makes them treat me like this and how do I change myself so they will respect and like me. But then, later in life , I found information about narcissism and other harmful things people are doing, and also, I got my autism diagnosis. All this in combination I learning that wait maybe it isn't me that is all wrong. Maybe something else has been going on, and I know acknowledge that. Not to say I'm perfect. I am working on myself to be a better person. But I also need to break this cycle other people are doing to me. It goes deep.
I'm still learning about this and these videos, and I will check others' videos of yours to get more information about this.😊
I feel that if I'm going to be a better person and grow as a person, I need to put boundaries to this kind of person. Because other people do impact ones and can either help you grow or make an obstacle to you growing as a person because they wanna control you and want you to be like they benefit from.
Thank you for putting out this information that is going to help me for sure! It means a lot. ❤
Thank you for sharing. ❤So happy for you having met a kind and amazing man. It indeed is possible 👌🙂
same here! autistic (then modeled NPD) ma and NPD pa. i married a narc. was awful. im happy now alone.
THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS!
Karen. I just want to thank you for your videos. I think I have watched them all. You are very authentic and genuine in your autistic journey. I have learned alot. Thank you.
Thank you for your kind words 💛 I'm glad this channel has been helpful.
I am autistic and my father was an psychopath dark triad. I was abused by my father, my sisters than I married a very narcissistic lady that made my life a hell, I had 3 kids and after a divorce my kids was alienated and helped my ex to abuse me even more.
I decided to cut all of them form my life. After the divorce I decided to find a woman with better values, it took me more than a year but I got her, we’ve been married since 2013 and I feel respect today, I’m very very happy with my wife and it helps to coping when I miss my kids.
I'm so happy that you found a good partner. I'm so sorry about your children 💛
this is a pattern that I have recognized in my own practice, and I am grateful to see this recognized from someone who identifies as autistic. It makes sense and is very helpful.
This is amazing. You have literally explained my life!!! Thank you!!
Thanks so much for sharing 💜
The Accuracy and the Truth 🩵
I’m not diagnosed with autism but I have got autistic and adhd traits. My daughter is diagnosed autistic and my other daughter also has autistic traits. The typical target you describe for narcissistic abuse was exactly me! I didn’t even realise I was in a narcissistic relationship until we broke up (my doing after finally realising I was worth more than I was receiving in this relationship) after 25 years. I looked up covert narcissism and it exactly described our relationship. It was confusing because he could be kind for extended periods of time but he ticks so many of the boxes, especially the gaslighting, and his needs always came first. I’m so grateful to be out of this relationship and it’s so heartening to hear you that someone that you deserve and respects you❤️
OMGoodness, are you my long lost twin? I too am 3rd/4 generations of this exact thing! I felt like you were describing my life as you shared your family story, from the parents and grandparents to me finding a fantastic 2nd hubby, and even my children. Thank you SO very much for putting this out there shedding a light on the problem.
So glad you found a good one 💛
My mother seems to have vulnerable NPD and my father is likely AuDHD. I unfortunately was so used to abusive relational patterns that I married a man with ASD and likely vulnerable NPD but it wasn't recognised by his health providers - they just saw panic disorder, ASD, and MDD. I tried for 14 years to get him to seek more help but he refused and I finally had to leave for my own safety as I as passively suicidal every day and was being retraumatised by him - I have ASD and C-PTSD.
I feel this.
My mom shows some autistic traits (an argument could also be made for OCD, or both,) as well as CPTSD. She is also a vulnerable narcissist and has allowed her own traumatic childhood to act as an excuse to make mine and my brother's HELL.
Dad is certainly ADHD, if not AuDHD, and has depression and CPTSD.
Not that either have diagnoses; they're baby boomers, and of a generation where these issues weren't even really known about, much less treated as anything more than a weakness.
Plus, Mom would tell you all of the suffering in her life is caused TO her, and she's entirely innocent and correct in every regard. A narc doesn't TRULY believe that, but they externalize and project, having temper tantrums until someone feeds their supply.
Dad withdrew, enabling her, and she taught me that love is conditional, that I'm lazy and defiant for my SEVERE ADHD (with a splash of 'tism) when I couldn't sit and do homework right after school, took too long to get ready in the morning, or got distracted while trying to clean my room.
I'm 30 now, and had to move back with them since COVID triggered several disabling physical health issues and executive function problems. My autism was suspected at one point, but misdiagnosed; I misread social cues, but it was misdiagnosed as Nonverbal Learning Disorder (the main issue there was actually CPTSD and a tendency to see faces as unhappy or angry on first glance tbh.) My ADHD was missed entirely.
I was socialized as a girl. I began my transition to live as a man at the end of my freshman year in college. While I knew I was a boy at an early age, this just became another thing I learned to mask.
Despite having a rough time in K-12, I graduated with a 3.7GPA, 2 majors, and a minor. Tons of extracurriculars (theatre, MTG club, president of the GSA,) teacher's pet in many classes.. Being away from my folks meant I could learn who I was, and I could throw myself into hyperfocus with subjects I actually liked.
College gave me a chance to leave an abusive partner, and meet new friends and a guy who's no longer my boyfriend, but still my best friend.
After college, I had a few years of success managing a head shop and their chain's social media. I started going to clubs and concerts, discovering I was actually an extrovert (as well as an appreciation for LSD.. lol.) I met amazing people, and felt proud of myself.
Until COVID. I also found myself dating a girl with BPD, and our trauma and reactions to it became a slow-motion trainwreck, one which took 2.5yrs to end. We got COVID right after moving in together in March of 2020, and it wound up disabling me (and triggering bipolar on top of everything else.)
Last year, my financial situation tanked enough that I had to move back with my folks.
Thankfully, since then, I've had years of trauma therapy, and many psychedelic experiences, all of which helped me bring these patterns into perspective. My practice developing mindfulness skills, along with my psychology degree, give me words to put to my experiences and help me process my pain and have more compassion for both those who have hurt me, and for myself.
Awsome video! This has definitely been my life
Thank you for sharing, I wish you a continued happy future.
I've had a similar experience in my life and I'm glad to see this topic presented so personally. In addition, I'd like to emphasize that this dynamic is not exclusive to autistic women and narcissistic men. Autistic males are also vulnerable to being targeted by narcissists and family dynamics certainly contributes to that tendency. It's not just romantic partners but all types of relationships that are affected. I'm currently in my 60s and only came to recognize my autism and related challenges in my mid 50s. I've spent the vast majority of my life under the thumb of one narcissist after another without a clear understanding of why or that it wasn't normal. I have a child, likely also ND. They've recently married and they seem to have made better choices, perhaps as a result of recognizing a pattern with me they did not want to repeat. At my age I've found peace (more or less) in solitary pursuits. I've not given up entirely on the possibility of a relationship, but in the time I have remaining I want first to establish a healthy relationship with myself. Right now I know that if I let my guard down the pattern will repeat itself.
This is such a vitally important video. I've been looking for content like this, so I'm incredibly grateful you stepped up to share it. Very well-presented.
I cut my narcissistic sister off about a year now. It's so nice to not be told and showed how inferior I am and how superior she is with every single interaction. I'm proud of you for cutting them off and then making a video educating us and being vulnerable in it. It takes a lot of courage and confidence in yourself to do so, and by even just telling all of us that there is hope, you're sharing your courage and confidence so that others can escape too. If narcissists could understand that, they'd be so envious rn, but who cares what they would be?! lol This is about us. Thank you ❤
Thank you for sharing this content with us, it makes so much and yes, we have to break this abusive cycles! ❤
I have a theory that many people now being dx’d with ASD actually have severe C-PTSD, since the same area of the brain is impacted for NPD, C-PTSD and ASD.
I think many of us are both ASD and cPTSD. Growing up autistic without diagnosis is incredibly traumatic. However, any traits we might have that seem to mirror NPD generally have different motivators. It's all about intent...
indeed, its not like they would use brain scans for diagnosing people more accurately.
@che4840 if there were some drug that could be prescribed as a result of the findings of such a test, there might be a financial incentive on the part of the medical-industrial complex to approve such a test. As it is, no one can make any money off of an accurate diagnosis, and so there is no will to help such people. At all.
@@ProudlyAutistic so true. different intention, same neurological path...
Such a helpful video. And btw your eyes are GORGEOUS. ❤. Literally golden! I couldn’t stop staring at them!
Anyway, Thank you for this amazing resource 🙏 My husband is a narc and I’m struggling quite a bit with what to do next as I am healed or very close to it ( I know it’s ongoing but I just mean my healing is reaching a fuller expression)
If you have a close friend or family member, I'd try to get emotional support there. Or a therapist. DV shelters and resources can also provide you with safe exit options if that's a concern. Good luck 💛
This needs more foot traffic. Excellent information. Thank you! ❤
Glad you liked it!
I see a lot of conflation between narcissism, autism, and "borderline personality disorder" (which honestly feels like the modern-day "female hysteria" diagnosis with the way it gets applied). In many cases, I think C-PTSD is a better fit for the symptomology that gets covered with the BPD label. It's nice to see your angle of the conversation. I also was trained in the same way, that my value hinged on what I could provide for others, what roles I could fill for them, and that none of my needs mattered more than the Wants of others. It's a helluva thing to de-program. And I hate seeing the behaviors/thought patterns I inherited from my narcissistic father & C-PTSD "martyr-mom" show up in myself, but at least I can identify & challenge them from the perspective I have now that I'm creating distance from the situation & healing. I feel bad for both of my parents in their own ways, and definitely built compassion for them before I was allowed to build compassion for myself. But they're not people I can keep in contact with while also maintaining any progress I've made in healing the impacts of trauma on my mental health. If that makes me "weak" or prompts a smear campaign against me, so be it, for that is beyond my control. And to quote the band Wallows: "okay, I'm a [f--in'] loser who doesn't wanna talk to you !" X
I really relate to this. Yeah, I'd love to be able to have a relationship with them, but not at risk to my mental health. They have not taken any accountability and unfortunately pitted some family against me. It's difficult, I'm sorry you know the situation well 💛
You have described my childhood and every relationship I've ever had.
i know this cicle all too well! Thanks for the video! Love from Portugal! All the best to you!
Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate your support 💛
Thanks for explaining this. Just like you mention I was so so so naive and the narcissist took advantage of me. I had so longed to have a relationship different then my parents!
I'm so sorry. I hope you are on the path towards healing 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic Thanks!
So happy to hear that you found a respectful and caring partner!! Thank you for this video..very helpful.
Thanks for this. Very succinct. This gybes with my lived experience as an autistic man. I was undiagnosed for the first 57 years of my life. I went no contact with my mother for a decade before she died. She was a malignant narcissist - psychopathic, sadistic, manipulative, exploitive and abusive. It’s impossible to put such malevolence into words - especially when it’s your own mother.
The thing is, she may have been autistic as well. I’ve come to view autism as something akin to left handedness. It has nothing to do with the character of a person per se. Yes, the adversity it brings might influence the way a child’s personality develops, but me and my sibling experienced horrific abuse, are both autistic, and yet did not develop malignant narcissistic personalities as a result. If autism is genetic, perhaps narcissism is as well. This would make sense given the affinity narcissists have for sensitive, vulnerable people. Perhaps both sets of traits tend to run in families and are perpetuated by nature because they are adaptive in some way. The prevalence is certainly high enough to suggest as much.
In the end, the most difficult part of having such a toxic mother (father was probably autistic as well, and equally abusive, though not a malignant narcissist) was realizing that she was part of me, and so was was my father. That I too have the devil inside me, and that I had no choice in the matter. The difference is that I recognized this, and sought to reckon with that darkness rather than deny its existence and then project it onto those around me. Jung called this “The Shadow Self” and theorized that integrating our darkest impulses, thoughts and desires into our personality is the most thing we can do to reach our full potential, and to avoid becoming the monsters my parents became.
I don’t know if that’s the case, but it’s been a useful way for me to make sense out of my neurological condition, personality, and the fact I’m a child of for want of a better word - Almost pure evil.
I say almost, because as bad as those two were, they each had some redeeming qualities, and some humanity.
Which makes it worse if you really think about it.
Heavy stuff indeed. Subscribed. Thanks again.
@TheWilliamHoganExperience What were your grandparents like if you don't mind sharing? I had a nearly similar upbringing, although it's my dad who is the scariest of the two. My paternal grandma lived with me growing up and she was so sweet to everyone. I know she was (undiagnosed) autistic, but I don't understand how someone she raised could have grown into a monster. My brother and I grew up with empathy and don't hurt others. I have three (autistic ) girls ages 24, 14 and 11 - and they're wonderful humans.
Thank you for sharing this and being vulnerable. I so appreciate it.
Thank you! You're describing me! I suspected it but am very grateful to see the confirmation! 🙏
Excellent explanation, thank you so much.
So sorry for your painful childhood. 😢
I didn’t know any of those things either and suffered so much, like you.
So sad to think of my own child this way. His dad being narc and he being (I think) Asperger’s, it was a perfect storm. He hasn’t spoken to me for about 3 yrs and is friends with other narc family members and I’ve had to accept it. I’m hoping that he will wake up one day.
- The video discusses the connection between autism and narcissism, focusing on the vulnerability of autistic individuals to narcissistic abuse.
- Autistic people often attract narcissists due to qualities like a lack of firm boundaries, low self-esteem, and a strong desire for acceptance and love.
- Narcissists seek out partners who are easy to control, often targeting those with limited support networks and who are overly trusting.
- The video highlights the heritability of autism and the tendency for patterns of narcissistic abuse to repeat across generations.
- The speaker shares their personal experience, being raised by a narcissistic parent and later entering similar relationships as an adult.
- The importance of setting healthy boundaries is emphasized to prevent the cycle of abuse from continuing in multi-generational autistic families.
- The main connection between autism and narcissism is not shared traits but the susceptibility of autistic individuals to narcissistic abuse.
- The speaker encourages viewers who are in abusive situations to believe in their worth and seek healthier relationships.
- The video ends with a message of hope, affirming that breaking the cycle of abuse is possible.
1:57-2:15 You are describing me exactly. 😂 There were two people attracted to me that seem to have all the hallmarks of narcissism. But I won't say that they are. Either way it is incredibly difficult managing a relationship with someone who utilizes gaslighting and passive-agressive tactics. Even someone who screams at you for nearly every petty thing that irritates them. 😮😢
Good video. I think this also plays out in the workplace. If you have ASD, be careful you’re not manipulated at work by narcissists…
Yes!
Thank you for this. I’m currently attempting to navigate my way through very similar painful truths. I feel I’m at a crossroad I’ve been at before, but keep defaulting back to what I’ve always known- old habits, complying with what’s expected of me because it feels easier than forging my own path and letting go. I’ve gotten physically sick in doing so, not to mention mentally and energetically. My life is so limited and small compared to what I get glimpses of it could be. I’m also seeing the intergenerational trauma for what it is and wondering if I can maintain contact with family, but with strong boundaries. I know I need to put myself first for a change. I’ve just recently realized that I am likely autistic with adhd and have endured abuse since I was an infant at the hands of my cluster-B mother, and later in life with unhealthy parters. I truly want better for myself. It feels like the battle of a lifetime, disengaging from old, unhealthy ways of thinking about myself and relating with others and instead stepping into the new…
I like how you raise a point that this can be expanded out to Cluster B personality types.
I am the first autist generationally in my family. Since a young age, I have always tended to befriend, date, or be attracted to people with Cluster B disorders. I still can't figure out why. I think it is because Cluster B people tend to have exaggerated expressivity and emotionality, which makes them easier to read for me.
I have low empathy, so I don't feel a sense of danger or disorder from the Cluster Bs which I have heard NTs DO experience as a warning before the manipulation.
I also think the intensity of attention and lovebombing that comes from the early stage of manipulation from Cluster B types satisfies the amount I need from another person in order to feel seen.
I've been in so many toxic relationships and pretty much destroyed by this type of person, so I swore them off. I can see them coming and walk away. I've been in therapy for years. I decided to stay away from this type of person and refocus on other types.
I've stuck to my guns and boundaries: Cluster B, leave them be. As a result, I've felt no real attraction or desire for anyone for half a decade. I wonder if I've been completely ruined from earlier encounters, or maybe that *is* my type based on autistic inflexibility and preferences formed early in life.
I doubt you're "ruined" rather cautious and selective. It makes sense. It took me a year to enter into a relationship after leaving an abusive one. And I spent years being skeptical of everything, trying to think of any reason to leave. Thankfully he loved me through it and we've been together for 7 years. However, it can be extremely difficult to trust again. That's reasonable and understandable. I'm sure a great person is out there for you, one who is willing to be patient. However , I absolutely understand never wanting to date again.
As it relates to why we're attracted to them. I think it can be a number of reasons. For me though, it was the sense of belonging. Suddenly I found someone who wanted me around. Granted, it was so that they had an audience, but it was just nice to not be lonely. They also took the pressure off to be social. They always seemed to have the right answer. They could always keep a conversation going. They were also charismatic and the life of the party. They gave me access to a life I had never experienced and that was attractive.
@@ProudlyAutistic Thank you for the kind words, and I am glad you found happiness after your own bad situation. People need to understand it really takes us longer to heal tham even a normal person-- physically, emotionally-- I think it's about how deeply things can get internalized in us as opposed to NTs I have met.
In my own healing journey, I think I've moved from "being afraid" to just "not wanting it enough," which might be a step in the right direction. Instead of fight or flight, I may be frozen in place.
Also, yes, absolutely to that point about the Cluster Bs having the superficial charm. I think their ease navigating social situations even superficially made me feel socially safer (because I am socially blind), plus the charisma/social skills seemed like "magic" to me and was so attractive.
Thank you for posting this!
Thank you for this video today. I'm pretty sure my mom has npd real bad so now I'm able to recognize some things more and idk possibly helping her by understanding and then better guarding myself as well
If she truly has NPD, it's best not to negotiate with her or try to "enlighten" her. They will not change. They will use your feedback as weaknesses to exploit later. If you suspect NPD, I would read up on it and if at all possible, discuss it with a therapist that understands it. True narcissists are master manipulators, so you may need support. Good luck 💛
I just discovered you by watching this video. I am Autistic, and at 40 years have gone no-contact with my narcissistic mother this Summer. Thank you for sharing
Thank you for watching! Good luck on your healing journey 💛
I’m SO GLAD you made this video because my father was never diagnosed but he showed so many autistic traits that I’m sure he was on the spectrum and my mom, I’m not sure, but she may have narcissistic traits. I ended up with a covert narcissistic husband and after 40 years together and 4 children he’s final discarded me. He’s a textbook covert narcissist to the point where I can predict his actions based on the criteria. My therapist said he can’t diagnose autism in me yet because trauma from narcissistic abuse crosses with autism so I would have to heal the trauma first to be diagnosed. I believe my sister is further on the spectrum than me because she shows stronger traits than me, as well as one of her children. Of course none of us are diagnosed so this is an armchair diagnosis. My sister was married to a grandiose narcissist, I’m 100% sure of that as well. I’m still trying to figure it all out. But thank you for addressing this issue ❤ it makes so much sense!
That's interesting that they won't diagnose. I can appreciate that they are trying to be responsible but it seems like they should still be able to. They should be looking at lifelong behaviors, not just where you are now. Checkout the Embrace Autism website. They have some great resources that might be helpful. I'm sorry you went through everything that you did. Good luck on your healing journey 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic Is it difficult to diagnose females with their adaptations because all the tests are geared for males?
Yes, although there is more awareness around the issue. Id recommend finding someone who specializes in diagnosing autism in adult women. They should also specialize in cPTSD. That should ensure they know what they're seeing. Good luck!
@@ProudlyAutistic I took the tests and I scored neurodivergent on all of them 😕. I’m going to get tested officially, somewhere.
Wow, I reconstructed this myself, seeing my life and past, my autistic traits, and my unfortunate entanglements with narcissists (25 years with a npd, and before that a narcissistic parent and a parent exhibiting autistic traits). But your video summarizes it so well!
People don't seem to recognize the connections between autism and narcissism.
But they are in fact highly correlated and especially anti-correlated, i.e. the traits are in the same domains but complimentary opposites.
e.g. easily manipulated vs highly manipulative, rigid adherence to rules vs feels rules are for others/bends rules, blunt honesty even self-detrimentally vs manicuring personas for perceived benefit, light/irregular eye contact vs bold eye contact, rejection of social hierarchy & desire for equality vs creation of social hierarchy to elevate the self, difficulty with self-promotion vs excessive self-promotion, imposter syndrome vs undeserved self-confidence.
People don't realize it it, but being raised with narcissistic abuse, and the c-ptsd it produces, is sufficient to create all of the traits of autism.
For instance, narcissistic parents "groom" their children to expect narcissistic abuse as is described in this video, not just in that they won't notice it due to the normalization but also that it causes one to only feel "at home" when being abused and they will therefore actively seek it out.
They teach the child to believe them without question, as if a god, before the child can even speak, but soon the child sees differences between the reality of their experience and the "truth" their god enforces upon them, by violence if necessary creating an incredible internal cognitive dissonance.
Narcissists also use "coded language" similar to cults, that results in communication difficulties with others who don't speak the child's "native" language but one so close as to be indistinguishable to those who don't know the difference, which causes missed social cues.
Narcissistic parents invalidate their children's needs, even physical ones like hunger, thirst, need to use the bathroom, etc resulting in both missed interoceptive signals as well as a failure to seek help meeting needs later in life.
Narcissistic parents use resources as a weapon to discourage undesired behavior and encourage desired behavior, which can result in a unique "spiky profile" of interests and abilities.
The list goes on and on.
And people assume "genetic" when they hear "hereditable", but "mimetic" is also another possibility: essentially that it is passed down as socio-cultural teachings rather than through DNA, like how "religion" is highly hereditable.
And this being the case, not only could autism result as an opposite "co-narcissistic" response, it's not controversial that children learn from their parents by example.
So autistic parents are just as likely to teach their children to be autistic because of the narcissistic rules they suffered under which they believe society says are necessary and so of course they teach their children that as that is the exact category of thing that is expected to be taught to children.
So once narcissistic abuse starts in a family line, it could continue until an autistic child, which could continue again, until a child which finally figures it out before repeating it onto the next generation.
And historically, this being the case, it wouldn't be surprising to see autistic children born in Germany in the 1930s, or in the US in the 1940s or 1980s and 90s considering the dominant cultures in those places at the time.
And the narcissistic abuse at those times also wouldn't be surprising considering the timing of the "lead-crime hypothesis" as well.
And corollaries to this are the so-called 'vaccine theory' which of course narcissistic parents would espouse as a victimization, as well as the popularity of ABA as it is easier to sell narcissistic parents on institutionalized narcissistic abuse than that the problem is that they are abusing their children.
Thank you.Good to know I am not alone
I feel sad for these cut family bonds. I understand these decisions very well and they are ours to make, but man... it's deep and harsh, heartbreaking. Good that you are on your feet. Autism awareness very important. Narc abuse not so fun.
As an autistic person, I learned in grade school to avoid others. That has shielded me from getting into a situation of being stuck with abusive people. Unfortunately, I weed out good people at the same time in order to play it safe. As someone who needs to control my environment, so that it is predictable and manageable, I tend to be the difficult one. It's not intentional, but it can seem abusive sometimes. This is due to frustration over other people not understanding that certain things need to be a certain way and that it is very important. A good example is my wife using the ice dispenser without warning me to cover my ears. It is one of the loudest most obnoxious noises ever devised by the human race. It sends me through the ceiling. It makes me very angry, and then I look like a jerk for yelling about it.
Your wife is not required to accomodate you. You need to learn how to cope with loud noises that scare or bother you in better ways. Yelling at your spouse for using a basic household item is damaging to the relationship. Practice self-soothing exercises and use calming tools. Autism is not an excuse to have angry outbursts.
I'm going both ways on this. Routine and sensory challenges are legitimate concerns. I get unpredictability can be overwhelming. In regards to sounds, I have an autistic child who can also be set off by the ice maker. When I remember, I make sure to give her a verbal heads up before I use it. That said, if she EVER yelled at me....just no. Not acceptable. Yelling is not acceptable. Use your words. I say that not as a criticism, but a gentle nudge in the right direction. To the best that we can, we need to find ways to cope and not make people responsible for our feelings and needs.
@@ProudlyAutistic I don't have control over it whenever it happens, and it's not as bad as I'm making it sound. There are good days and bad days and I try to prevent it from happening in the first place.
@@julietteferrars3097 Like I said below, it's not as bad as I'm making it sound. It was more of an example of why and how it occurs. I'm not looking for excuses, and think it does provide an explanation that can be used as a way to figure out how to avoid these situations and mitigate them.
@@julietteferrars3097? Sorry no he does NOT need to “tolerate” noise/pain from a household item when any empathetic compassionate partner who cares about ‘his’ needs can simply say “ I’m going to turn on…..do you want to grab your ear protection or leave the room? You sound self centred and ableist. If you had Hyperacusis or even understood it you would understand how ridiculous your comment is.
This is excellent Karen, thank you!
super important, thank you for this video. My narcissistic mother still is alive, whereas my autistic dad passed away due to an autoimmune disorder called ulcerative colitis, which developed when he got bullied by his classmates when he was very young. There is a link between autoimmune disorders and autism/ fight or flight mode, impact on the gut and cortisol spikes .
Wow This is so deep 🙏🏾
nicely put, thank you!
Yes, a few years ago when I learned that I'm autistic and explored conditions like narcissism, I realised that it must be the pattern that you see in your childhood. Me and my granddad were two peas of a pod. And then my grandma was narcissist. And my first husband was narcissist and I lived that life for 15 years. In first couple years I tried to convince myself that this is only that I can get as a husband and it will become better by the time. Three years on I realised that it never will be better but I felt helpless and clueless what else I can do with my life. And I kept floating down that stream, trying to keep my children to the best I can think of. And when I finally realised that I can do more than I believe myself I tried to say what I really think of that marriage being a failure. I quit it and never ever had any regrets. If only - why didn't I have earlier that power to say out loud my actual thoughts.
Thanks for sharing what is obviously helpful but obviously painful
I'm super passionate about this topic and truly enjoyed your video/discussion touching on important points that need to be shared. I wish I could shout this from the rooftops but the internet will have to do. Thank you!
Thank you!
Very informative, thank you.
My parents are both different types of Narcissists, my mother's type, the covert one, was litterally hell for me. My siblings turned out Narcs and my partners were, apart from one autistic man, all Narcissists. I began healing from CPTSD about three years ago, when meeting my husband who is the healthiest person I've ever had in my life and I've only realised I'm autistic about three months ago, although I kinda knew about 15 years ago, but dismissed all the signs. About three weeks ago I was also diagnosed highly intelligent ADHD
Damn. I was diagnosed deeply stupid ADHD…
Wow, I'm glad you found the right one, and especially being diagnosed is such a big milestone. 🙌👏
@@i.ehrenfest349 I wouldn't do a test, to make it clear and I hate the highly intelligent thing. but it explains a lot of my additional problems because I've never been supported by my abusive parents. Someone I know has highly intelligent boys and the older one did tests and they even keep it a secret due to reactions like yours. But for the boy it was a life-changing diagnosis because he suffered tremendously in our school system. For me, it doesn't help me, I'm 52 and I clean houses for 20 years
Can relate as well, npd mother. Autistic myself and autistic child. Not easy, thought i "only" had CPTSD before i was diagnosed with autism.
Took me a few years after diagnosis to get to this realization. Family refuses to accept or acknowledge that genetic stuff rolls downhill. Initially I mistook this as religious fundamentalism and ignorance but I also just now realized how politics underpin all my family’s belief systems. Now it suddenly all makes sense and I can quietly keep backing away and maintaining boundaries. 💓
Thank you for this video. You and others matter ❤
My mom is both autistic and a covert narcissist, and my dad was a raging narcissist, all undiagnosed but very obvious to any of us who can recognize the behaviors and effects from a lot of experience and study. I’m on the spectrum, used to have narcissistic traits before I started healing, and have also had various issues with anxiety and depression. I most closely identify with BPD characteristics (lived decades disassociated before learning what it meant to be “here” and at nearly 40 still struggle to be in my body for more than seconds at a time before zoning out and being somewhere else mentally) but likewise not officially diagnosed.
Anyway, I’ve had a lot of relationships as an adult and now realize I seem to only meet people who are moderately-strongly autistic and/or narcissists. Maybe it’s just who’s left in the dating pool after all the healthy people got in and stayed in relationships, considering my age, but I feel like the only people available are those who others can’t handle, and so people only come around because they’re essentially strays who have no one “better” (healthier/more “normal”) than me to share time with since everyone else keeps them at arm’s length. After healing so much and becoming so self aware when it comes to my traits and how I’m perceived, it’s strange to me that I seemingly used to meet and hang out with plenty of healthy and/or relatively neurotypical people when I was living in a shadow, unaware and unempathetic. It sounds like your husband isn’t a narcissist, but is on the spectrum or were you able to attract and make it work with a neurotypical? Would you cover topics around how to find and connect with people who are good for us?
This is the first video I’ve watched of yours but in looking through others you have there are already several I plan to watch next. Thank you for talking about autistic life and related mental health topics and sharing your personal story. It’s heartwarming to know you found your way out of the trauma and into a loving relationship with someone kind. I hope for the same in my future. ❤
Yes; we seek that which is familiar. Actions speak louder than words, observe their behavior! I was raised by a covert & overt narcissist; the cruelty was horrific. After 2 failed marriages metaphorically the first to my dad & the second to my mom… found a wonderful human being who happens to be on the autistic spectrum (as was his mother). We’ve been married 41+ years and still LOVE each other. (Yes, I am OLD.)
So glad you found love! Fyi my partner is also autistic. Best relationship I've ever had 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic - EXCELLENT!
I did not get diagnosed until age 55.
If I had been diagnosed as a child, and there were MANY signs, I would have been on the lookout for these dynamics, and I would've never married the Narcissist who I was trapped with for 18 years.
Hindsight is 20/20 of course.
Same
My ex gf I firmly believe is a narcissist but her really good friends both of which are autistic, she used to babysit them years back but now older still hung out and basically best friends. I always thought it was a kind of weird type of relationship or weird dynamic because I met them, it kind of felt predatory on her part, they are adults and there folks were okay with her. Her friends were unbelievably nice and cool, but they were always trusting, somewhat naive, not too many friends, and gave her an ego boost, gave her whatever she wanted, had no boundaries, etc, Thank you for connecting the dots.
thank you for sharing your story to benefit our community. I have experience with narc parents. it's hard to come to terms with the fact that you have been emotionally abused by people who were supposed to protect and care for you.
I think what has been hardest for me is lack of accountability. I can forgive them for having a bad foundation and making mistakes in my childhood. However, I can't forgive them for choosing not to grow from their adversity, choosing to gaslight me at every opportunity rather than recognize their mistakes when confronted.
@@ProudlyAutistic yes, not growing or holding themselves accountable is a narcissistic trait. they don't have the ability to be self reflective or understand how their behavior effects others. sucks for us.
@@ProudlyAutistic I agree
Thank you. Same happened to me. No contact since 13 years. Until 30 further abuse - interchanged love, care with abuse. Met my autistic father with 30 years the first time. 5 years before his death. Unfortunately she, my biological mother, manipulated him to give me free for adoption (for her and her new lover that also had no love for children). So he gave up his father rights although he was capable of loving and caring for a child - the most important trait I wished for as a child: feeling safe, welcome.
I'm still trying to heal suppressed emotions. Every other adult child of narcissistic abuse I met feels anger or even hate for the perpetrator/s. Am I not capable to feel this emotion in regards to her deeds (towards others like my last therapist that disrespected me, I was able to feel anger) or is it really just deep seemingly endless SADNESS that I can feel? Trying to heal chronic pains and I think suppressed emotions can be expressed like unexplainable pains.
Compassion immediately kicks in when I dare to think an angry thought just to provoke this feeling.
I am so incredibly sorry that happened to you. I don't feel anger towards my narcissistic parent. Just disappointment and maybe disgust. They've let their pride get in the way of having a relationship with me and their grandchildren and it's just so incredibly sad. I've lost my other parent and sibling in the process. All they need to do is take accountability for the past and respect my autonomy as a grown woman. They have repeatedly declined to do that. In regards to your pains, I deal with something similar. I have a functional neurological disorder due to severe cPTSD.
@@ProudlyAutistic Thank you so much for sharing. Yes, me too. Disappointment and disgust when I think back what I endured with them especially her. Pride, interesting, this could have been the crux with my mother too. She so often belittled my real father, called him bad names and said so often to me how she felt shame when others see me with her UNLESS I played with her the doll/princess game (looking like a model so she could say "Yes, we could be sisters. Oh you're so pretty. My genes.") AND didn't say a word unless she asked me to say something. Truth teller. Wasn't working. We were living on different consciousness level planets.
The worst thing she said to me once was (I was maybe 13 but feeling much younger): "I can understand the bullies in your school. I can't stand you too. You make it impossible for me or anybody else to like you.". One can say bad things and apologize after and I will get over it when it doesn't happen again. But with her it was standard to never hear "I told you crap, am frustrated with my life, it wasn't your fault, not your responsibility to make me happy." but "It's all your fault!". I know it's not true but it's ingrained subconsciously and narcs have a radar for someone who is able to feel toxic shame and guilt and therefore can be manipulated easily.
May I ask what functional neurological disorder due to severe cPTSD you have? I feel that I have that too but it hasn't a name yet.
The ADHD diagnosis and clinical Autism suspicion I only have because I care for my wellbeing and searched online for good diagnostics. Got dismissed by standard doctors so often like by my parents. They have no time, only wanna prescribe pills and bye. Some think having health insurance is a good thing (in Germany the payment is mandatory I tried to cancel contract but got ignored). Real caring doctors are so rare and almost always in private practice, so not reachable via standard health insurance. I have to pay private when I want real good helpful not more damaging health care.
Both my parents are diagnosed cluster B. I've been no contact with my father for 23 years. I am preparing to go no contact with my mother...again...for the umpteenth time. I've had a multiple abusive relationships with narcissists, only one landed me in the hospital. I finally learned how to keep myself safe 5 years ago. I dont have IRL friends, I don't socialize with any family, and I don't date. Ever. I'm never lonely and I'm never bored. Thank you Autism ❤
My situation is similar. No contact with one parent, other is very strained...essentially no contact. My relationship was abusive, but I can't speak to it much here. I'm lucky I got out when I did. Shame I stayed so long. I'm still feeling the devastating consequences years later. Glad you're in a better place now 💛