Oh yeah, (Hey Paige! Visual spatial puzzles have been my jam forever!) Didn't know it was free... If you don't see me for a few days ( or months), blame June!😊
Yup! Called it I'm addicted. (Thanks?) One issue which I hope you can pass on to the creators. In scene 4 (gate), what they refer to as crystal carafe is actually a crystal decanter ( they are completely different things. Old people know what I'm talking about.
The fact that the mother called you to tell you how bad she abused him and how she made him an awful abuser, and to run away from the monster is just next-level insane. That's not even true-crime level. It's horror-movie level.
Watched this thinking “nah, don’t relate” (Autistic, ADHD) because this isn’t my marriage. Took a full 48 hours and it smacked me in the memory face: I totally repressed the abusive relationship I had at 16 when a 21-yr-old pursued, love bombed, groomed, isolated, broke, and left me. “But he’s a nice church boy!” Please.
Narcissist church boys are the worst because they perfected the art of being hypocrites. And how come your church let a 21 year old go out with you without minimum scrutiny?
Cut off my narcissistic mother late September last year. I never even noticed how much she was draining me until I was free. I’m still struggling to heal and to stop being a people pleaser, but that was such a relieving step to take. I wish the best for anyone else who was/is struggling from narcissistic abuse, we’re in this together!
Me too! I spent time alone in my family's house this summer when my family was away. Having time away from my mother made me realize how great it is. I'm so much better at managing my life.
The problem with narcissistics is they can give you the most beautiful love and acceptance as soon as you play by their rules and as soon as you start to rebel they will take it all away.
Luckily the narcissism pattern is easy to spot even when they are being charismatic, it'll be obvious they are trying too hard because they're too charismatic, too charming, it'll be clear they care more about what the opinions of them in the eyes of other people as well as actively trying to prevent any flaws or blemishes no matter how minor, from being seen, its clear the image they want the world to see is one thats perfect and infallible. They're slaves shackled to keeping up appearances, and one single proven truth can destroy an empire of lies, so a single truth is all it takes to destroy the narc's projection. But one thing I am curious about and want to see someday is if a narcissist can learn to deviate from their pattern to embrace who they are rather than deceive themselves and seeking constant proof to validate the self-deception that they are perfect. Could a narcissist embrace imperfection, accept they are fallible and flawed, and as such can always have room for invention, self-innovation, expanding on ability, or improving upon flaws without the need to lie to themselves or devote so much energy into making the world believe the lie? I hope one day to be in a position to test that theory, and maybe set a narc free from their pattern. Edit: I have never met a narcissist before, so for all I know I might be asking for the impossible possibility of 'curing a narcissist', I know friends, family, even spouses cant change a narcissist's ways, but what if it were attempted by an outsider who knows the narc's nature and weakness; a proven truth that can easily shatter the projection. But then present a way to render the weakpoint null and void by overcoming the desire to forcefully seek validation for a fake image of themselves, embrace their true self, cease caring what others think, and just let their actions speak for them instead.
And that’s why us autistics can fall for them because of OUR routines and rigidity we assume that their need for control is like our need for routine but with time we understand that it’s just them wanting a puppet to constantly have admiration/someone’s emotions to feed off of whether negative or positive emotions! When we place boundaries they see it as a game and test how long it takes for you to ease up on them and just allow them to walk all over you. It’s disgusting.
Your details are different but my story is the same. I didn't want to spend all my time with her but she demanded all of it. And somehow that made me feel loved because why would she want all her time with me unless I was special? We were polyamorous and she started dating someone TEN YEARS younger than me. And of course that person ended up being more compliant, less difficult, less likely to complain (because after three years of being compressed into this little box of who she wanted me to be, I got a little grumpy). And now they're together and I'm gone. And the whole time I was thinking, no one would ever understand this. But GUESS WHAT. There are TONS of us going through the same thing. Except our narcs coerce us into silence.
Something important you brought up in this video: CHILDREN AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE DIAGNOSED WITH BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER!!!!! I have seen so many people who were obviously autistic, but got a borderline diagnosis as a teenager and think that is the source of all their problems. BPD symptoms can often be standard teenage behaviors. The problem arises when these traits become integrated into your personality. You cannot use a fucking teenager's actions as a diagnosis for ANY personality disorder. Even the DSM specifies PD's should only be diagnosed as an adult.
The call from his mother really reminds me of my childhood. My dad has NPD & had 10+ wives & girlfriends (at separate times) during my entire childhood. My siblings and I tried everything we could to get the girlfriends to run, we knew how much of a negative impact our dad had on them. But my dad had such a hold on these broken naive women that they would literally ignore our cries to them. 1-6 years later they’d finally leave for good completely broken and depressed, not even knowing who they are anymore. It’s an extremely vicious cycle, I’m not religious but god help any women that are with my dad & your ex boyfriend right now.
Its funny how people who have achieved the least, contributed the least, and look the most plain or unattractive have the biggest egos. I'm appalled at people with high body counts...I had an older man who stalked me complain about his mistress cheating on him and the complete ignorance of someone like that to not even care how their wife might have felt about the whole thing is eye opening. I hope we can raise new generations of boys who treat girls and women with respect and have a new egalitarian approach to relationships that dont involve using people.
@@PaulyShore898Dont hold your breath. You kind of have to protect yourself really. Personal responsibility, bravery are called for: or else the Monsters will never be vanquished
@@PaulyShore898 I don't think there's any harm in "shopping around", especially when you're young, if you're respectful, considerate and honest. A revolving door can be a fun time, a meatgrinder usually isn't though. These people have a way of finding their way to the vulnerable, insecure people pleasers somehow. In a lot of victims there's a pattern of dating abusive people, and they're often bad at clocking the warning signs regardless of if they're on the autism spectrum or not. I've had a handful of women thank me for just kind of modeling a different way of viewing the actions of men, standing up for myself, and knowing my worth. I think it's important to have a support system, to break the cycle. I also don't think we should make the mistake of blaming mothers for their bad sons. Men are responsible for their own bullshit. If you're going to blame a parent, you should be blaming the one that would actually potentially model how to be a man around women.
Props to that dude's mom for actually owning up to her mistakes and trying to do something about it. Recognizing that cycle is EXCRUCIATING, especially when you've abused someone else. I relate to this so much all around.
As a late-diagnosed autistic person I find your content very comforting, Paige - you speak so clearly about your struggles and they are so relatable. It's nice to know that someone else understands it. Thank you. Wishing you well.
“He asked me to come over just to sit on his bed” yeah very common with narcissists-even female friends who were narcissists did this to me. I used to think it was their love language of ‘quality time’ when in reality-it’s them being a vampire and sucking the life out of us so they can do whatever they wanna do without putting in any work of connection or putting another’s needs above your own. It’s not ‘quality time’ it’s ’sit in the same room as me so I can siphon off your bubbly energy and turn it into burnout for you and then blame you for not being fun for me anymore!’
I still have such a hard time thinking of my abuser as my abuser because she was my best friend before we got together. it was a 4 year relationship of me being cheated on over and over again, her being an addict which was heartbreaking in itself, witnessing her OD, multiple suicide attempts on both parts, deaths, lots more. It’s been 4 years since we’ve talked
It's hard when it's something like an addiction turning them into almost a different person. You might want to both hate them for how manipulative and cruel they are, and at the same time feel sorry for them when they're obviously not well and you love them. I think you have every right to do either, neither or both, but rest assured that you did the right thing for both of you by choosing not to be part of enabling that anymore(because as a partner, it's almost impossible not to). Cutting them off is often the most loving thing you can do for both of you in the long run.
Is true, people just say what’s in their own head, can be pretty funny when somebody gets trigged and they just splat out all their insecurities Of course I also do this, which is what I just did by pointing it out in this comment 🤦♂️ Also I have comedy skits on my channel about the inconsistency’s of my ego that you might like too 👍💪😈🔥☄️
US Neurodivergent folk, tend to attract toxic people in our lives sadly. I've definitely experienced this lots. Im one of the 10. Happy Thursday Paige.
You can learn to attract healthier people. Work on your issues in therapy if you can. I was abused but I learned what signs to look for and worked on my self esteem so I didn't feel like I deserved abuse.
@@Catlily5 This is true. Even if you don't intuitively notice the signs, you can learn what is usually said and done. An even more important part is deprogramming yourself. A lot of people with a track record of abusive partners have a hard time feeling loved if a partner respects their boundaries and trusts them instead of being insanely jealous and possessive. Learning what a good dynamic usually looks like is just as important as learning what a not so great one looks like!
I can relate a lot. I think it is very hard for non-autistic people to understand the actual meaning behind certain messages or body language of autistic people. And so it leads to people crudely trying to attack or remove parts of who we are. I dont know about you but I'm not gonna change me, or silence myself.. (lost in translation, autistic version)
I have both changed and silenced myself many times over the years and I am struggling to stop doing so and get back to when I was more like my true self. Definitely keep to that! Do not bow to the whims of anyone who tries to change who you are at the core. Someone should not be trying to change your personality, interests, or cares.
Ugh I can only unmask when I’m in burnout and physically CANT mask otherwise I crash and burn completely if I try to…I’m trying to find the strength/ability to unmask and not care about the repercussions.
Haha oh girl, I really felt the joke about bpd... I was actually diagnosed with bpd when I was a teenager only to find out 10 years later that I just have autism, adhd and comlex/childhood ptsd🤡
Hey, I have those problems too. People say u are just looking for excuses. The "its your fault" mentality if the narc is useless to argue with because they refuse to try to understand you...
You're right, my psychiatrist couldn't diagnose me until I was an adult and still showed symptoms prolonging into adulthood. Moody teenage girls show a lot of bpd symptoms!!
@@silverkitty2503its becoming more and more accepted to diagnose 16-25yrolds and watch the majority of them find out a few years in the future that they actually just had trauma and asd/adhd/any number of other disorders that dont cause bpd symptoms by themselves, but can if someones life is unstable or traumatic etc
Dude! Exactly! I was diagnosed with BPD by an AWFUL old lady because the FIRST time I saw her (mandated by my GP) I hadn't slept due to medication side effects and essentially had a meltdown in her office, she was like "yep bpd & we're taking you off all ur meds with no tapering or warning" That of course made me cry even more. Luckily I found a new psychiatrist, but that was honestly traumatizing. I was 16 at the time & I now no longer fit the description of BPD at all. Like literally not at all, mainly due to a lot of self-healing and immense effort to work through my trauma, but still. That was so awful to experience as an emotional teen with no friends and a potentially narcissistic father. 😢
Thank you for having the courage to talk about this and for being vulnerable enough to talk about this so it can help people out - there’s so much value in just opening up about our experiences in this way ❤
This happened to me too. I am diagnosed autistic and ADHD with a shitty family. We met in our last semester of college and he seemed great at first (if you ignored all of the red flags). He left me poems on my car windshield and would send me audio recordings of him singing. Our first date was perfect until I let him drive my car on the way home, and he decided to got 20+ mph over the speed limit past a state trooper with an expired license and got us pulled over. What a stupid little fool I was. Our relationship should have ended right then and there, but it didn't. I forgave him because he begged me and made ME feel bad for HIM. We trauma bonded, and I thought it was love. He criticized all of his exes and told me they were crazy, and I believed him. His mask really slipped on New Years Eve though (this was a few months into our relationship), when I told him "no" for the first time (I didn't want to go to a grave yard at near-midnight in the freezing cold). He screamed at me and made me cry, then he dragged me back to the car and tried to make me feel bad for him. I tried to call him out on it, and he wouldn't take accountability. Our relationship was full of fighting, and I knew it was wrong, and I'd call him out for it, and towards the end I identified what he was and called him a narcissist to his face, but he would just call me overly sensitive. He messed with my head... I would catch him messaging other girls and he would say that I'm the bad person for spying on him. The worst incident happened when I confronted him about his cheating, I threw a pillow at him. I was so frustrated because he was ignoring me, it ended up with him picking me up, slamming me on the ground (knocking the breath out of me), and then kneeling on my chest so that I couldn't breathe, and screaming in my face. He nearly killed me, but he said that he'd call the cops on ME because I was the crazy b***h. I was scared, because he had bruises on him but the only bruises on me were on the palms of my hands because I was hitting him to try to make him get off of me. That night, I was the one that slept on the couch. But I still didn't leave. A few months later, he killed my dog when I went to work one morning. He said it was an accident, and faked a suicide note a day or 2 later. His sister begged me on Facebook to forgive him and asked when we'd have children. I told her "sure" and "not yet". My mom said "what if you did have children and he did that to them?" My unhelpful coworker was criticizing me for coming back to work the next day, but I couldn't afford not to work, since I was the only one paying our bills. I was so numb and beaten down, I couldn't do anything. So I stayed with him. 2 weeks, after my dog was murdered, my mom rushed out to be with me. She kept pushing me to think, to leave, but it was like I stopped functioning. I was barely surviving, I hadn't even grieved yet, I couldn't confront him about it or think any thoughts. I was broken. One day, while I was at work, I came home and he was gone. I tried to contact him but he had left his phone. It was valentine's day. My mom told me that they had fought and he had run off. I was so mad at her, because I felt like she was just adding more and more to my already overloaded plate. She helped me track him down, he had gone to work, but he still didn't call. I contacted his mom the next day to see if she had heard from him, and she screamed at me asking me why I hadn't told her until then. A few days later, I went to his job, and finally found him, I asked him if he was coming back. He looked down at me with a condescending grin, and I snapped at that moment and broke up with him and asked him to grab all of his stuff from the apartment and to give me his keys. He had the nerve to ask me for our other dog. It made me seethe. My mom and I ate ice cream and watched movies that night while I cried with rage. I wasn't even sad, just angry. I still kept in contact with him though, until I moved away from that place a few months later. And then one night he called me at like 2 am, and I got so mad, I finally let loose everything I wished I had said our whole 1 year relationship. I told him to lose my number, and I never heard from him again. That man was a part of my life for such a short period of time, but he did a ridiculous amount of damage. I didn't date anyone again for 4 years after that, not just because I didn't want to, but because at any hint of a red flag, I ran (so most guys didn't make it past the messaging phase of a dating app). I'm still dealing with the trauma of that relationship nearly 7 years later, but I'm engaged to a good guy now. My advice to young girls: trust your gut, you can't change them and you deserve better. Don't wait as long as I did and lose as much as I did (or more).
This hit so close to home. I am still in a relationship with a narcissist/sociopath. The problem is I've noticed his manipulative behaviours/habits since the very beginning, but chose to ignore them. These people are such powerful manipulators andcan be so charming, which makes you doubt yourself and your judgement. I've had so many empty conversations with him, where he dances arou d the question, never giving any real answers. Somehow I always end up being guilty and having to apologise.
Isn't it crazy how as an autistic person you realize how many times you reach out to be interested in another person's things so you can bond with them? Then some of it actually rubs off into your own interests. Yet, it feels like pulling teeth to get someone interested in anything you are interested in? I'm a poor salesman. That sucks, but it also makes us people with diverse interests that we are deeply passionate about... secretly of course. lol
It’s not crazy it’s maddening lol!! No but in an autism in women reddit thread they talked about this and how frustrating it is that we can mask and listen to others’ hobbies even when it’s excruciating for us-yet NTs can’t pretend to be for the life of them! It makes you wonder who is ‘typical’ and who isn’t lol.
I’m 3 minutes in and it already hurts because it hits so close to home. On my 17th birthday I met my ex who was 22 at the time. I turned 22 last year and it really hit me just how gross it was. I had the exact same reaction as she did to seeing high schoolers now. They’re children! Actual children. But he called me mature and I believed it. It’s hard to think about now. Thank you for making this video.
JUST SITTING THERE WHILE THEY DO OTHER STUFF?? Lol sir I could be doing a little craft or nap right now, but instead I'm holding your couch down?? Noooo! Girl this is so relatable so far, I'm so happy to hear you describe relationships bc this is where I stress myself out the most & where my biggest "I'm not a standard brain!!" flags pop up
I spent the best part of 20 years with a narcissist... I've only just broken up with him, and uncovering all the damage he's done to both me and my son... I'm so ashamed 😔 to any of you that identity with anything Paige says here, it never gets any better, you just become less and less until you don't even know who you are anymore. I stayed so long I became nothing, twice (yep, I went back too), and I'm rebuilding myself from the ground up at 43. Ironically I think my recent autism diagnosis was what saved me, not only did I start trying to recover myself with the new information I had, which explained SO much, but he didn't like it and his reaction to both my diagnosis, and the growth and change it resulted in, showed me who he really was.
I relate to this. I got diagnosed with adhd recently and now probable asd. I feel like I am finally starting to love myself as I am and my energy is pushing those with negative energy away. I believe all my relationships including currently have been with men with narcissistic tendencies (at the least). I need to find a way to change things.
I'm also an escapee, 20 years in, started again at 43. While I'm sure you would not trade your child for anything, I thank powers that I have no links to that person. I hope this time passed for you has been healing ❤
I have been on the other part of a relationship with similar dynamics that you describe before, a NPD/BPD/autistic bf. I'm sorry you (and others) went through this. It's not good for anyone involved. NPD in my experience can often happen out of this inner urge to have control, over themselve, situations, people, things. Probably arising out of never having control with their parents. People doing stuff to them instead of with them. So they learned, "hey I need to do the same". So whenever there is a fight, they want to keep the narrative straight on their worldview. Leading to a complete inability to do any perspective taking at all. (EDIT: thinking about it again, any adverse childhood experiences could be the cause. Where you feel out of control and the important indicator is, you try to seek control any way possible.) Oh and "being in love with the idea of you" is a perfect description of that phenomenon of being crazily in love. Since NPD parents can cause BPD children, BPD is in my experience kind of the perfect counterpart to NPD. The same thing can happen to the victim. It's just that love for the ideal version of a person. And that keeps us inside of that cycle. For him (NPD) something like a RO-DBT therapy would probably work the best. It's for people who can't let go of control. While normal DBT, is more about volatile emotionality with too little control of them (BPD).
Oh I’ll have to look up that type of DBT. I have BPD and am autistic (yes, I probably have NPD in my family) People with NPD feel so inadequate and many hate themselves too…just like those of us with BPD…but express those feelings by harming people around them to build themselves up. It’s part of their survival mechanism.
@@ReineDeLaSeine14 for sure! you are right about the NPD people feeling very insecure under the surface. Their behaviour patterns are also very simple, reacting situationally by controlling for survival. You are right, I also came to see NPD as very similar to BPD. There are a couple of statistics out there that don't exclude both from cooccurring. 👉IF you are interested in RO-DBT, I can recommend a youtube playlist by "Jennifer May, Ph.D." about RO-DBT. It's like a full on course where you can understand it and how to use it. She explains it very nicely.👈 I always described my experience with BPD in the past like "very socially dysfunctional way to try to control situations" 😄 With NPD on top of everything, you just shut down or selectively use the empathy for other people. So it's easier to not feel immediately guilty until something scratches on the surface like criticism, then it's "" or "" mode.
PROJECTIONS ARE CONFESSIONS. Narcissists will tell you exactly what theyre doing through accusations. Nondisordered people often do this subconsciously too. what they say their ex did is usually exactly what they did to the ex. If they speak badly about the ex, its to discount them. If the ex reaches out to you, believe her. The way a man speaks of his mother and their relationship will tell you a lot. There is a big difference between soeaking badly of someone and speaking honestly. Guys date much younger when theyre unable to date their own age group. Be insulted not flattered.
I had a relationship like this about a year ago and lasted about three months and I'm so lucky that it was long-distance because not having physical affection and not having him physically give me food to eat or a place to stay is probably what saved me from getting in so deep that I couldn't get out. I did have someone come to me and say that he had been manipulative to them, but he had already built up the "she's crazy" story and he used his own autism to say that people "just don't understand" him, so I didn't believe. And then one day he threatened to kill himself if I broke up with him, totally out of the blue I wasn't even talking about being unhappy in the relationship, and I already knew that this behavior specifically was very manipulative, and that was the last straw, I knew I had to get out specifically because I could see that he was using tactics to keep me in the relationship. I don't know if being autistic made me more vulnerable, I haven't really thought about it before, but I know that my loneliness and depression made me a huge target.
On the advice or my therapist, psychiatrist and close friends I cut off my mother five years ago and recently my only sister (who unfortunately behaves just like our mother). My mother was physically abusive when I was a child (as well as emotionally, but more so after I became a teenager) but that ended once I physically stood up to her at age 15. (Scared her something fierce). My sister (who is 13 years younger than me, the result of an affair my mother had) was mostly raised by me, an Autistric male with anger issues. I physically abused her like my mother had me until I realized she was afraid of me (I had an epiphany that I had become the person I most despised) and so I vowed to be her supporter, her friend against a common enemy and to never lay a hand on her ever again. That was a promise I have kept since, some 38 years later. Unfortunately my sister was diagnosed with ADD (this was in the 80's by the way) and put on Ritalin at age six. It helped her but she became addicted. At age 17 her doctor took her off the drug without weaning her first, he simply stopped issuing her refills because everybody knows Ritalin isn't habit forming (it's as addictive as heroin). My sister started to self-medicate. This behavior was supported by our thrice divorced mother. My beautiful sister became an addict. She became pregnant, lost her child due to her drug use. Got married to another addict, sold her body for drug money (with her husband's approval). Got pregnant again, lost her child and her freedom due to drug use. Spent two 1/2 years in a women's prison. Got out and immediately started using again, despite overtures of "I've changed, God saved me, etc." All through this time she sought the approval of her father (who remarried and who seemed to care more for her step daughter than his biological one). His new wife didn't want him having contact with his daughter and I wasn't even a concern since I wasn't his biologically anyway. I was told to my face "I'm not your Father and I will never be your Father." Harsh words said to a 13 year old kid. My sister tried to have a relationship with the only parent she had left (her Dad passed away from throat cancer) but our mom only dealt with her so long as my sister had custody of her kids, when she lost that, she lost our mother's "approval." Thankfully others have seen through our mother's narcissism as she lives her life in solitude, waiting to die (which can't come soon enough for me). As for my sister and myself. She is still an addict though weed is her drug of choice instead of all the narcotics she used to do. The drugs have ravaged her body, she looks older than me (I'm 53) and is just as mentally abusive towards me as my mother ever was. I thought she might change. I would buy her gifts for her birthday (only to discover later that she had sold them to buy drugs). I never became close to her husband, it's my opinion that he thinks she's the best he can get and since she's not held down a legitimate job since she was 15 (prostitution doesn't count) she would be on the street if it wasn't for him. She started to treat me as an ATM and someone to vent to but heaven help me if I disagreed with her. I realized that the little girl I had taken care of and grown up with was gone and there was this vampire in her place who kinda resembled my sister but wasn't her. I realized I didn't know her at all and for my own self protection I had to cut her off as well. This is the second attempt as I felt bad for cutting her out of my life, only to have her reinforce ny original opinion of her by her resorting to defamation when I refused to pander to her playing the victim. Due to my own shortcomings I have never sustained a long term relationship and the few times I was in one, I invariably sought out narcisstic women. Codependency. I have never been married, no kids and I'm just kiving day to day. I havew given up the dream of being married because I realized I'm too old, have nothing to offer anyone and honestly I just don't trust women all that much.
Trust is definitely hard to build especially with a lifetime of trauma but believe me when I say you are not too old. As a human being, there is no way you don't have anything to offer
Paige, your ex sounds a lot like mine and I had the unfortunate idea to link myself to him forever by having a child with him... And I also dated him twice, he used the same excuse (you f*me blah blah), charmed me again and we got back together for 3 years this time. Same thing of talking at me for what seemed hours about himself, his project, ideas and never caring about me... He also had mommy issues and she also warned me about him, but he had told me so many horrible things about her, that I dismissed it. And I had no idea I was AuDHD (but now that I know, it explains so much and why he targeted me, he pursued me for months before I accepted to go out with him). It took me years to sort through that relationship and I am still debunking all that, he was lying and gaslighting me all the time I really thought I was losing my mind... Oh and also, if your person has nothing nice to say about any of his exes and it always their fault because they're crazy: red flag, run! Anyway, thanks for sharing your story and I can't wait to read your book.
I'm the only autistic person in my family and for some reason my mum's narcissism always went unnoticed by my siblings. To the point where my sister was lowkey yelling at me that my mum isn't a narcissist lol. Anyways, I suffered for ages and was a people pleaser, I cutoff my mum from my life at 21 and have felt so much better since. Never realised how drained I felt bcuz of it. I'm still recovering and trying to piece together who I truly am but I urge anyone who has a relationship like that in their life to do their best to escape it.
thank you for sharing this content. i was 18 and he was 25 when we met. got diagnosed recently (audhd) & still can feel his power over me. the grief of having to re process all of that trauma now knowing why i was feeling the way i was at the time. confusing mix of emotions, validating and also very painful. the damage of narcissism is borderline demonic….. also yes people tell on themselves. they do the work for you once you’re perceptive.
I'll never forget when i turned 20, I looking at the 16yos thinking I could never... they're just babies!! My ex was 20 and I was 16, I literally cannot fathom what went through his head. "so mature for your age" sir, I believe it was the other way round...
My last encounter with a narcissist nearly ended with the narcissist getting shanked. They were an absolute nightmare to deal with, constantly bullying me eventually ending with me getting fired.
I've been learning about autism from time to time so I can know more about my son who is 10 now and to be better equipped to deal with the judgement and misunderstanding from the rest of the family. I stumble on to your videos! Thanks for putting yourself out there. I'm getting alot from a good mix serious psychology videos and real personal videos like yours. I'm feeling better equipped to defend him when he has his bad days which has been increasing over the years. Now on your topic about your past boyfriend, I can relate to that. It's difficult to live with someone that is blaming, pointing their finger, and treating you like shit. I'm grateful that you got out while you could and that he showed his true self early. I can see that your reflection on that part of your life has made you stronger. You're so much farther ahead at 23 than most people your age or older. I'm very proud of you. 🦉
I’m auhdhd, grew up with a covert narcissistic father, then had a bunch of relationships with invalidating people until it culminated in a relationship with another narcissist.
I'm a 35 year old woman from Brazil, who was raised by a emotionally imature mother (who talked shit about every single soul alive or dead, and everything was always a joke) and an undiagnosed autistic father (who never opened up to me but AT LEAST we spent time together hiking in national parks). Growing up the way I did, lonely, bullied at school and at home, I was desperate to feel validated, but I only understand that now of course. I couldn't fucking understand the concept of self worth. And what you said about older strangers picking up that nobody cares enough about me. Attention was the purest love. Worth was something other people gave me. I was 13 with a 35 yr old, 15 with a 23yr old and 17 with a 24yr old. I don't want to leave to imagination but I won't get specific about SA. I spent my 20's in denial about it. Thankfully I had a few years of a healthy-ish relationship with a guy my age, who also studied graphic design and liked anime and games, like me. He was extroverted, and I tagged along where he went. I was nicknamed Hinata from Naruto, because she was a quiet, shy character, and my ex was loud and obnoxious like Naruto. I enjoyed socializing then because we built an online forum to talk about our interests, named it The Nerd Empire. (Just wanted to add this because those years were very nice and I want to end this comment on a more positive note). I hope you're doing great! Thanks for sharing your experiences. Adding your book to my reading list!
Honestly, I do not listen to other people about anything , EXCEPT men. If I date a man and anyone says anything bad about them I'll believe it and walk away. Has saved me from tons of horrible situations.
I’m glad you’ve stayed safe, but remember a big part of safety is a healthy connection with someone you love and feel safe with! I hope you find that healthy man and can stay away from manipulators
I have a covert narcissistic mother (one example: when she apologized for abandoning me and my sister when we were kids, it was all about her. The amount of thought she'd put into me and my sister was "I know it must have been hard for you too, but.." and then a bunch of reasons on why it was hard for her to leave her kids and she's so sad and depressed about it, we just can't understand how hard life is for her) and I ended up marrying a malignant narcissist. I was definitely a mark, a target, a person she knew she could exploit. I got love bombed and believed this person thinks I'm the most amazing guy. It was such a stark contrast to the neverending passive-aggressive criticism of my mother. The malignant narcissist knew I had a very small social circle and that I struggled a lot with just being social in general, and I was more than happy to let this woman who thinks I'm so amazing to handle any social dealings of mine that she could. When I started calling out her various abuses 6 years later, she used my reliance on her as a tool to attack me. Turned family members against me behind my back. No one told me about this growing opinion that I'm a terrible husband, and she spent months convincing everyone who cared about me that I was abusive towards her. I hated making phone calls, still do, and she used that to manipulate me into not looking at our bill payments for a few months, so she could not pay anything that was in my name and save the money for moving out. I was entirely clueless while all this was going on, so it was a shock when she suddenly didn't want to work on our marriage anymore, had a new guy to date literally the same day she told me she didn't want to work on our marriage anymore, and then she just took our kids and left me with the home I couldn't afford on my own, no furniture, and a pile of bills that hadn't been paid for months. And people agreed with her! It was all lies, but because I let her in the position of handling a lot of my social dealings, she was able to convince people, including my family, an entirely different fantasy novel worth of bad things about me
So much of this is really painfully relatable and I wish I’d been able to see it when I was 16/17, thanks for posting. I’m sure it will really help someone.
"Uxor" is the most prevalent Latin term for "wife". Following the prevailing pattern of Latinate murder terms, your lacuna at 1:33 would probably be something like "uxoricide" ("mariticide" for the case of husband's demise) . Neither of these have a red underline as I am typing; so, I assume these are the correct terms. Unfortunately, I have only ever encountered the far more boring "spousal homicide" in usage.
What hit me the most is when in your story, you realized your ex'ts toxicity by connecting it to your father's behavior. I'm autistic too and I'm like 99.99% sure my dad has NPD and I have the trauma to prove it. It really sucks how common it is for us autistics to be in relationships with narcissists even if it wasn't romantic/a family member.
Poor Paige ! I hope she got through this ! Praying for her ! I’m an extrovert but I understand her so well and have tons of empathy and compassion for her even though she’s an introvert! :)
Dude. Allllllll of this. My bio mom and my ex husband are both extremely narcissistic and you described so much of how those relationships were and how they made me feel. Also me processing things differently was always an issue. Like I’d get yelled at about being autistic because I didn’t have the outward emotional reaction they expected me to have.
00:13 🧠 The speaker discusses a difficult period after her autism diagnosis and a breakup, focusing on a past relationship. 00:40 🎭 She explores how certain traits in autistic individuals might align with the desires of narcissistic partners. 03:05 👶 She reflects on how her perception of high schoolers has changed over time, emphasizing the importance of being in a relationship with equals. 04:57 🗣️ The speaker points out how her ex-boyfriend's description of her changed dramatically over time, revealing manipulative behavior. 07:26 🚫 She shares her discomfort with being pushed into social situations she didn't want, highlighting a lack of consideration for her preferences. 08:50 😡 The speaker recalls instances where her ex-boyfriend would blame her for their arguments, showcasing a lack of accountability on his part. 11:18 💔 She expresses how the relationship affected her self-esteem and how the ex-boyfriend's attention made her feel valued. 14:43 🤯 The speaker describes how her ex-boyfriend excelled at manipulation, using emotional tactics to justify his behavior. 17:06 📱 The speaker addresses accusations of infidelity from her ex-boyfriend, revealing his lack of trust and control issues. 20:57 🤔 The speaker discusses a conversation with her ex-boyfriend's mother, who confessed to her own problematic behavior and urged the speaker to leave him. 21:37 🚩 Be cautious about seeking advice from exes, especially if they label someone as "crazy." It can be a manipulation tactic. 22:06 🚩 Pay attention to how someone talks about their exes. Negative and derogatory comments may indicate unresolved issues. 23:16 🚩 Be wary if someone constantly boosts your appearance but doesn't appreciate you for who you are. 23:56 🚩 If a breakup leads to severe emotional distress or suicidal thoughts, seek immediate support from friends, family, or professionals. 24:22 🚩 Recognize red flags and patterns, like quickly finding a new partner, especially if they're significantly younger. 25:51 🚩 If you feel pressured to conform to someone's image of you, realize that it may not be genuine love, but rather an idealized version.
I thought narcissists were repelled by us coz we question everything which they don’t like, we have short attention spans, thus disempowering them and we won’t be told what to do
Well, we're not a monolith, and neither are they. But while we may be prone to questioning what doesn't make sense, we also have a long history of accepting things that don't make sense in order to get along. In a romantic relationship, that can mean accepting abuse because the person says they love us even if they don't act like it. When we object, they act like they're the victim, and because of our inclination to support the underdog, suddenly we're taking their side against our own and it's all downhill from there.
@@juniperdoes for me if the logic isn’t logicing, I can’t empathise, hence I can’t do people, but at least it protects me from narcissists! Lol I fantasise about being with one and torturing them just from being myself! Lol it would make a great comedy movie. My biological dad is one and he doesn’t know how to deal with me! 😂
@@jgoodwin977it can happen to anyone. especially autistic people. i’m glad you feel like you can protect yourself, but trust me, it may sneak up on you. nobody is immune to an abusive relationship, even if you think you know all the signs/think you would immediately stand up for yourself. i say this from experience.
Autistic people and other neurodivergent people generally make easy targets for narcissists we tend to miss red flags and let out the most sensitive part about are selves which can be used as criptonigh aginst us. Narcissists and sociopath love people who have are qualities loving, niave and non judgmental. Have a good childhood and being raised by loving parental figure can help give someone armour but it doesn't makes us entirely bullet proof. Unfortunately only though experience can we prevent allowing people like this into our ever again lives.
This is the first video I’ve ever seen of yours. I cried at the end. I’m going through divorce right now, and you said it so perfectly… he didn’t love me, he had an image of me that he thought he loved. I would physically hold my breath when he would enter the room. I wanted to make it work but I would not chisel myself to fit the mold he had made for me, so it quickly fell apart.. I’m terrified of What Come Next. But I’m ready to be free. Glad I stumbled upon your channel. Love finding new creators to enjoy and gosh it’s rare to get one with so many commonalities. Looking forward to your book ❤
I was groomed by a 22 year old at 15 and we dated from the time I was 16 to 19. He was a textbook narcissist. Looking back, all 3 of us younger women he dated and abused back then (idk what he’s doing now) were clearly neurodivergent. ☹️
I've been wondering if us ASDrs stay in bad relationships longer due to not getting social cues and RSD. Finally got out of a very abusive sit. with a diagnosed sociopath (I didn't know until he took everything else away from me) after getting a brain injury. I tell people -don't wait like I did.
Oh my god yes this. I been a teenager in a similar situation and now that im 28 like .... WHAT THE HELL I even find 20year olds and 23y olds to be children. Teenagers are babies. I dont see how anyone in their sane mind could have perceived my teenage immature, chaotic and autistically messed up self, as an equal and adequate longterm romantic partner. And yea same story here, been sad and vulnerable, with no support system. And he was the only one listening, helping and being around. He took advantage of that. I did date someone 2 years older as a teenager, and that did work out because we were on the same page. But all the others that showed interest in me like sheesh. Dodged a bullet for sure there
The best is when the narcissist upsets you and then when you express that in any way toward them, no matter how healthy or constructive, they accuse you of not being able to control your reactions and it's all your fault you feel that way. I had an ex who wanted me to miserable but to grateful and happy about it.
My first relationship I reckon he was a Narcissistic. A common trait of such people is what I term the DBJs. Short for Deny, Blame and Justify. They deny the bad things they did. "It wasn't that bad" or "you remeber it wrong" and sometimes "that never happened." They blame others. "If you had just done this tiny insignificant thing then all this bad wouldn't have happened" or "It's your fault, you made me do it." Or they have some convoluted reason that "justifies" their bad behaviour. Coupled with a lack of respecting boundaries. If you say no thanks, need space, or some other boundary they keep pushing, pressuring or throw a tantrum to get their way. Those are red flags to avoid. Peope who do this don't take responsibility, don't take accountability and don't respect others. But one thing that really stuck out was my ex did not want a relationship with me, he wanted a relationship with with someone else and wanted me to fit that. Rather than accept me or break up abuse me to force what he wanted me to be. AND because he was so far down the DBJs tunnle he could not comprehend when things were actually his fault or not ok. To him everyone else was the problem therefore he had no reason to change. And it dawned on me, things were never going to get better because his problematic behaviour was not going to change. I learnt a lesson. I left. And I will never repeate that again. I figured out I'm incompatible with such person so I walk away from the red flags. No giving understanding. No being patient. No benefits of the doubt. I walk. Basically I'm allergic to such people now. Any boundary pushed, no matter how small, or DBJ expressed when they do wrong, nope I'm out. And doing this I've instead found my now fiance who is wonderful. He is kind, caring, respectful. We are happy. No DBJs, just a guy who takes accountability and is a kind caring person. It sucks some of us have to go through this. I'm greatful for videos like this as they highlight that some people are problematic and relationships like in the video aren't normal and aren't ok and that's it better to leave. Perhaps others will avoid these mistakes.
This is so freaking real! Almost every relationship (familial, platonic, romantic) I've been in have been either npd or toxic bpd, which makes sense since my mom has both of those, so they feel normal. I'm currently working on a book of poetry about my last relationship and another about my mom/childhood. I've been reading SO MANY books about recovering from narcissistic abuse because what they say is trapped in my head.
Your story matched mine nearly perfectly but the age gap was just a little bit bigger. He was 21 and I was 16. Preordering your book now! Thanks for sharing your story Paige
Father is a first male role model to every child's live. If you as a female had a narcissistic (absent, emotionally unavailable, in any form abusive, who broke child's boundaries) father, you'll be attracted to and be a magnet for the same type of people in adulthood for one simple reason - it feels like home.
This all pretty much happened to me when I was 20. My ex was 38 at the time. Even if you're a consenting adult, when you're that young it's STILL fucked up for someone that much older to zero in on you. Maybe not when you're in your 30s or 40s and you've had time to live and understand the world and develop as a person. But as a 20-year-old, autistic, DEEPLY starved for love and attention, very anxious young adult, it was so inappropriate and predatory for a 38-year-old man to pursue me. He groomed me and molded my perception of the world to his liking and everything was wonderful until I started to develop some self-worth and didn't want to be sexually available to him 24/7. He would say that saying no was always okay, but he would get upset if I ever did. He even said that people not finding him attractive or wanting to sleep with him was triggering. I don't know how much therapy I'm going to need to heal from the 3 and a half years I spent with him. These kinds of things happen when you don't have a healthy and loving support network to uplift you. The best defense you can have against falling into relationships like this is surrounding yourself with people who respect you and care about what you think and feel and want.
I love the way you try on words. ❤ I am autistic too and I dated one and his reactions for the situation were so over the top or none at all. All about control not love. We with autism see the screaming child and it often saves us from continuing for too long because they don't make sense.
Honestly I relate to this too much. Im not diagnosed with anything but I dated someone almost identical to your ex, from the going over to his house to just sit next to him and do nothing while he plays video games, like this grown 20 yr old would invite me over when i was 16 on a school night and then hed put on his headset and talk to other people while i just sat there until past midnight and get mad if i wanted to go home. All his exes were "crazy" and his mom was also so toxic and he'd always bitch about her. And he HATED so many things about me, he would constantly tell me how to act and what to like and it would cause arguments if i did something innocent he didn't like. He'd SA me constantly because i was so young i didnt have experience with a health s*x life. And then he'd cheat on me with girls younger than me which was tbe biggest red flag. Anyway this year he finally got arrested for cp and he's facing four life sentences and his trial is this month so karma really did its thing. Im in lots of therapy, 20 years old and raising my daughter with my beautiful girlfriend, and just started college this year. Healing takes a lot of work but its definitely possible :)
yes. I have a lot of thoughts about this video, but the first time they say anything like "My ex was crazy" Its time to run for the hills. and Legit its so hard not to try to "save" the next girl they pull in if youre witness to it, but you just know they probably wont listen cause youve already been made to be the villain, or the "It wont happen to me" mentality I think most of us have. I def think us asd ppl get fooled easier by narcs because a lot of us assume the best of people (likely partially because weve been misunderstood in the past). I wish there was some sort of database we could make to warn ppl but thatd just be abused by the abusers if everything wasnt vetted thoroughly.
On the spectrum here, and let me tell you, I seem to attract the narcissistic man. Nearly every relationship I had was with a narcissist. And every time I was so caught up in the moment, I didn't see the red flags. It's the love bombing part that gets me every time. And before I know it, I'm knee deep in psychological trauma. Sadly, one of them is my daughter's father so I'm stuck dealing with him for eternity. The only way to rid yourself of a narcissist is to go no contact, but sadly, I'm court ordered to have contact with him, so kind of puts me in a pickle. My therapist is making a small fortune off of this set up honestly.
I'm in the same situation with my son and his father. Good news is that as our children grow, the less contact we have with the other parent. I can't go no contact too, but I avoid the abuse being far away from him as I can. Minimum contact, a lot of exhausting masking and keeping quiet if I have to see him, but It's the only thing that can keep me safe!
@@panasado7886 I wish I could move far away, sadly because of the custody ruling, I am forced to stay within a 45 minute from his house. *sigh. And now with his GF about to likely pass on, I am going to have to deal with him directly more often, which is likely going to kill me with the amount of stress that brings to my life.
@@randomreactions16 I'm sorry you have to deal with him like that. It might help to cut emotional ties, but It's difficult and it doesn't stop the arguments. I'm still working on it, but In my case, I'm learning to just "Not care" even if what he says hurts and stresses me out. I don't deserve his abuse, therefore I won't engage. Something that motivates me in my situation is my son. I know is messed up to be near an abusive person and having to just "suck it up", but I feel like I need to be there for him. I want to take care of him and make sure that he's in good hands
Thank you for sharing. Very similar thing happened to me as well. He and I had started talking when I was 15 and we got together shortly after I turned 16 and he was turning 20. He was super emotionally and mentally manipulative /abusive and it took years of us on and off for me to move on from him. Years after everything, he apologized to me for how he treated me. By then I had already moved on and forgiven him, even though a lot of the emotional/mental trauma he put me through affected how I perceived my relationships for years to come. Im 35 now, I don't really think about it anymore but from time to time he still apologizes to me and he will even cry because he was that awful to me. I think it's probably rare for people like this to change but at least there is one less a**hole running around in the world. Oh, I forgot to mention, I am also autistic. Diagnosed this year. It's true that (at least in my experience) people like this tend to look for autistic folk. I hate that even after all my years of experience, I am still naive and hopeful and give people too many benefits of the doubt... but I'm slowly trying to learn who is good to have in my life and who isn't. Again, thanks for always sharing, Paige.
Wow, Paige, i am so proud of you. I know it wasnt at all easy for you to leave this guy, but you finally fucking did it! And thank you for this info. This is something everyone can relate to autistic, or neurotypical
I'm currently having the opposite version of your relationship. I'm a male autist (maybe ADHD?) married to a female narcissist. I grew up with two narcissistic parents and absolutely turned into a people pleaser. Anywho, she asked me to marry her when I was alone and vulnerable and I stupidly took the bait, even though I broke up with her several times during the year we dated. But I figured "fake it til you make it, right?" Well, two kids later and we are still having the same old fights over the same old fundamental issue: I can't talk to her about anything. And not only that, she has no interests other than traveling, and no matter how much I tried to encourage her to get back into her hobbies, get me involved in them, get involved in my hobbies, or anything, but she wouldn't. She also wouldn't get a job, then she'd complain about how bored she is. Every friend she made since we have been married has been a result of me forcing her to try having a friend. And now I'm just too tired of the constant fighting and total lack of connection. It wears me down until I am totally numb.
Im so sorry you went through this. So many autistic people go through abuse from partners. It makes me so sad to think of all the teenagers who are treated this way by adults. Its aweful.
Haven't watched some Paige in a while. I started a channel coz of you and felt empowered about my autism for the first time coz of you. Love your work Paige!!! huge fan!! i am late diagnosed at 56 and cptsd. H=Greetings from Western Australia!!
I have AuDHD, Combination for the ADHD. Then they tossed in OCD in to the mix of my diagnosis. I am cutting off my Sister-in-Law for being narcissistic. Maybe my biological father was one, but he was mostly out of my life growing up. You remind me of Amanda Siegfried. These men, are mostly grooming younger women that they know they control. One of the best things I learned in health class was how to spot an abusive relationship. My mother as a kid got me out of a grooming situation. I subscribed today. Thanks or describing what I felt around my SIL, the fawn, fight or flight. I am now in the flight stage where she thinks she has removed me from her life, but for my mental health I have decided she is not worth it and just want to ignore her as much as possible.
Thank you for sharing your story! I went through something almost the exact same, it’s actually crazy. My guy was also 18 turning 19 when I was 16. This made me feel less alone, less bad about the affect he has on me to this day (im 20 now). I haven’t been diagnosed with autism, but it has always been a floating thought. I’m just so glad to know I wasn’t alone in that, and that the things that happened to me aren’t because I deserve it, and simply because some people are just not good people.
Thank you so much for making this video. I haven’t been diagnosed but have had suspicions for a while now and god I relate to this so much. I didn’t have good parents or support with family and fell into bad relationships, my first was when I was 14 and he was around 20. They continued occasionally from there and I swear they always loved my kindness but not me and by the end I felt so alone and like I was not lovable. It’s literally killed positive parts of myself because it felt like it was my fault but this information is helping me realize that I’m not alone and I’m not crazy or stupid for what I went through so thank you❤
When I was 20 I dated a 29 year old because I thought he was cute. It was a nightmare, I had bright blue hair and a tattoo and he tried so hard to convince me to dye my hair back to brown and I said no you can't control me. Then he broke up with me once because I wanted to spend time with my dad instead of hanging out with him. Then I was stupid enough to invite him to my 21st birthday because I knew he wanted to get back together. Flash forward to a couple weeks later we went bowling and he drank promised me he was sober and then took me home now that I'm 28 I know he was for sure plastered. We broke up again because I decided to go to Chinese with a friend of mine to nurse a hang over and he was frustrated that I didn't go to hang with him the moment he said jump. He ended up getting his license taken away for drunk driving with his toddler. I'm so lucky I got away when I did
The wordsalad thing, it's so hard to argue when they don't play by normal peoples rules of communication. And they need to argue so often it exhausts you beyond and forces you to stoop as low as he does with the screaming and namecalling and all that toxic shit. Cause what else can you do when they don't listen to calm sensible speech and won't leave you alone. They love the drama. He confessed that to me. I'm a very patient person and he loved it when he was finally able to trigger me enough that I would snap and go crazy bc of him.
I have an iriley similar story but it's a lot darker. I'm glad we both got out. I'm noticing this might be a thing. I think I'm picking up on a pattern here as far as young impressionable autisitic person being romantically involved with an older narcissistic partner. It's really devastating. Anyone going through this please know that you do not deserve how you're being treated. Get out and build a healthy relationship with YOU. ❤
![Digital Circus Episode 4 [TRAILER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/abZtsmMUbJo/mqdefault.jpg)
🔎👒 Download June's Journey for free here: woo.ga/g0xv2a
Thanks to June's Journey for sponsoring this video
hey page names chris. I really love the work you do for autism. i have it to mildly. i loved your vid on mark rober.
Oh yeah, (Hey Paige! Visual spatial puzzles have been my jam forever!) Didn't know it was free... If you don't see me for a few days ( or months), blame June!😊
Yup! Called it I'm addicted. (Thanks?) One issue which I hope you can pass on to the creators. In scene 4 (gate), what they refer to as crystal carafe is actually a crystal decanter ( they are completely different things. Old people know what I'm talking about.
Paige Layla , always love your vids and are a great inspiration! I’m starting my channel soon ! We need to collab ! Lol my name is June !
Watching from the UK 🇬🇧 ❤
“People tell on themselves, you just gotta listen.” 😊
The fact that the mother called you to tell you how bad she abused him and how she made him an awful abuser, and to run away from the monster is just next-level insane. That's not even true-crime level. It's horror-movie level.
A self fulfiling prophet.
Better look for more pleasant company with less mind games :D.
Watched this thinking “nah, don’t relate” (Autistic, ADHD) because this isn’t my marriage. Took a full 48 hours and it smacked me in the memory face: I totally repressed the abusive relationship I had at 16 when a 21-yr-old pursued, love bombed, groomed, isolated, broke, and left me. “But he’s a nice church boy!” Please.
YIIIIKESSS
HOPING YOU'RE HEALING AND HAPPYY NOW
Narcissist church boys are the worst because they perfected the art of being hypocrites. And how come your church let a 21 year old go out with you without minimum scrutiny?
You sound insane no wonder he left you lol
Oh no, im sorry!!
Going to church doesn’t make you Christ like the same way going to therapy doesn’t heal you!
Cut off my narcissistic mother late September last year. I never even noticed how much she was draining me until I was free. I’m still struggling to heal and to stop being a people pleaser, but that was such a relieving step to take. I wish the best for anyone else who was/is struggling from narcissistic abuse, we’re in this together!
Happy cutoffversary!
Good for you! It's not easy, but it's one of the best, safest, & most freeing thing you can do for yourself.
Me too! I spent time alone in my family's house this summer when my family was away. Having time away from my mother made me realize how great it is. I'm so much better at managing my life.
My abusers finally all died. Don't wait. I regret that I did.
Hugs if they're your thing. I am working on doing the same... I'm going to be a mom any day now so it's especially difficult feeling
Paige, thank you for not blaming anyone. That takes courage and kindness. Salute!
The problem with narcissistics is they can give you the most beautiful love and acceptance as soon as you play by their rules and as soon as you start to rebel they will take it all away.
Luckily the narcissism pattern is easy to spot even when they are being charismatic, it'll be obvious they are trying too hard because they're too charismatic, too charming, it'll be clear they care more about what the opinions of them in the eyes of other people as well as actively trying to prevent any flaws or blemishes no matter how minor, from being seen, its clear the image they want the world to see is one thats perfect and infallible. They're slaves shackled to keeping up appearances, and one single proven truth can destroy an empire of lies, so a single truth is all it takes to destroy the narc's projection.
But one thing I am curious about and want to see someday is if a narcissist can learn to deviate from their pattern to embrace who they are rather than deceive themselves and seeking constant proof to validate the self-deception that they are perfect. Could a narcissist embrace imperfection, accept they are fallible and flawed, and as such can always have room for invention, self-innovation, expanding on ability, or improving upon flaws without the need to lie to themselves or devote so much energy into making the world believe the lie? I hope one day to be in a position to test that theory, and maybe set a narc free from their pattern.
Edit: I have never met a narcissist before, so for all I know I might be asking for the impossible possibility of 'curing a narcissist', I know friends, family, even spouses cant change a narcissist's ways, but what if it were attempted by an outsider who knows the narc's nature and weakness; a proven truth that can easily shatter the projection. But then present a way to render the weakpoint null and void by overcoming the desire to forcefully seek validation for a fake image of themselves, embrace their true self, cease caring what others think, and just let their actions speak for them instead.
And that’s why us autistics can fall for them because of OUR routines and rigidity we assume that their need for control is like our need for routine but with time we understand that it’s just them wanting a puppet to constantly have admiration/someone’s emotions to feed off of whether negative or positive emotions! When we place boundaries they see it as a game and test how long it takes for you to ease up on them and just allow them to walk all over you. It’s disgusting.
I've never clicked on a notification so fast. This is me and I just escaped this relationship. Can't wait to hear this story.
Same here
Your details are different but my story is the same. I didn't want to spend all my time with her but she demanded all of it. And somehow that made me feel loved because why would she want all her time with me unless I was special? We were polyamorous and she started dating someone TEN YEARS younger than me. And of course that person ended up being more compliant, less difficult, less likely to complain (because after three years of being compressed into this little box of who she wanted me to be, I got a little grumpy). And now they're together and I'm gone.
And the whole time I was thinking, no one would ever understand this. But GUESS WHAT. There are TONS of us going through the same thing. Except our narcs coerce us into silence.
Something important you brought up in this video: CHILDREN AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE DIAGNOSED WITH BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER!!!!! I have seen so many people who were obviously autistic, but got a borderline diagnosis as a teenager and think that is the source of all their problems. BPD symptoms can often be standard teenage behaviors. The problem arises when these traits become integrated into your personality. You cannot use a fucking teenager's actions as a diagnosis for ANY personality disorder. Even the DSM specifies PD's should only be diagnosed as an adult.
The call from his mother really reminds me of my childhood. My dad has NPD & had 10+ wives & girlfriends (at separate times) during my entire childhood. My siblings and I tried everything we could to get the girlfriends to run, we knew how much of a negative impact our dad had on them. But my dad had such a hold on these broken naive women that they would literally ignore our cries to them. 1-6 years later they’d finally leave for good completely broken and depressed, not even knowing who they are anymore. It’s an extremely vicious cycle, I’m not religious but god help any women that are with my dad & your ex boyfriend right now.
Its funny how people who have achieved the least, contributed the least, and look the most plain or unattractive have the biggest egos. I'm appalled at people with high body counts...I had an older man who stalked me complain about his mistress cheating on him and the complete ignorance of someone like that to not even care how their wife might have felt about the whole thing is eye opening. I hope we can raise new generations of boys who treat girls and women with respect and have a new egalitarian approach to relationships that dont involve using people.
@@PaulyShore898Dont hold your breath. You kind of have to protect yourself really. Personal responsibility, bravery are called for: or else the Monsters will never be vanquished
@@PaulyShore898 I don't think there's any harm in "shopping around", especially when you're young, if you're respectful, considerate and honest. A revolving door can be a fun time, a meatgrinder usually isn't though.
These people have a way of finding their way to the vulnerable, insecure people pleasers somehow. In a lot of victims there's a pattern of dating abusive people, and they're often bad at clocking the warning signs regardless of if they're on the autism spectrum or not.
I've had a handful of women thank me for just kind of modeling a different way of viewing the actions of men, standing up for myself, and knowing my worth. I think it's important to have a support system, to break the cycle.
I also don't think we should make the mistake of blaming mothers for their bad sons. Men are responsible for their own bullshit. If you're going to blame a parent, you should be blaming the one that would actually potentially model how to be a man around women.
Props to that dude's mom for actually owning up to her mistakes and trying to do something about it. Recognizing that cycle is EXCRUCIATING, especially when you've abused someone else. I relate to this so much all around.
As a late-diagnosed autistic person I find your content very comforting, Paige - you speak so clearly about your struggles and they are so relatable. It's nice to know that someone else understands it. Thank you. Wishing you well.
How are you so frickin wise!? 💪🏽👍🏽🙏🏾
Love, a 57-year old, smart autistic and ADHD woman who is only JUST figuring this shit out
“He asked me to come over just to sit on his bed” yeah very common with narcissists-even female friends who were narcissists did this to me. I used to think it was their love language of ‘quality time’ when in reality-it’s them being a vampire and sucking the life out of us so they can do whatever they wanna do without putting in any work of connection or putting another’s needs above your own. It’s not ‘quality time’ it’s ’sit in the same room as me so I can siphon off your bubbly energy and turn it into burnout for you and then blame you for not being fun for me anymore!’
I still have such a hard time thinking of my abuser as my abuser because she was my best friend before we got together. it was a 4 year relationship of me being cheated on over and over again, her being an addict which was heartbreaking in itself, witnessing her OD, multiple suicide attempts on both parts, deaths, lots more. It’s been 4 years since we’ve talked
It's hard when it's something like an addiction turning them into almost a different person. You might want to both hate them for how manipulative and cruel they are, and at the same time feel sorry for them when they're obviously not well and you love them. I think you have every right to do either, neither or both, but rest assured that you did the right thing for both of you by choosing not to be part of enabling that anymore(because as a partner, it's almost impossible not to). Cutting them off is often the most loving thing you can do for both of you in the long run.
she 🚮 glad u got away
Is true, people just say what’s in their own head, can be pretty funny when somebody gets trigged and they just splat out all their insecurities
Of course I also do this, which is what I just did by pointing it out in this comment 🤦♂️
Also I have comedy skits on my channel about the inconsistency’s of my ego that you might like too
👍💪😈🔥☄️
US Neurodivergent folk, tend to attract toxic people in our lives sadly.
I've definitely experienced this lots.
Im one of the 10. Happy Thursday Paige.
You can learn to attract healthier people. Work on your issues in therapy if you can. I was abused but I learned what signs to look for and worked on my self esteem so I didn't feel like I deserved abuse.
@@Catlily5 This is true. Even if you don't intuitively notice the signs, you can learn what is usually said and done. An even more important part is deprogramming yourself. A lot of people with a track record of abusive partners have a hard time feeling loved if a partner respects their boundaries and trusts them instead of being insanely jealous and possessive. Learning what a good dynamic usually looks like is just as important as learning what a not so great one looks like!
@@KattReen True, it is good to learn what to avoid AND what to look for!
At this point i dont think i can involve in another one, i just want to rest
@@Yaelah-ws9rq Rest is good in between relationships.
I can relate a lot. I think it is very hard for non-autistic people to understand the actual meaning behind certain messages or body language of autistic people. And so it leads to people crudely trying to attack or remove parts of who we are. I dont know about you but I'm not gonna change me, or silence myself.. (lost in translation, autistic version)
I have both changed and silenced myself many times over the years and I am struggling to stop doing so and get back to when I was more like my true self.
Definitely keep to that! Do not bow to the whims of anyone who tries to change who you are at the core. Someone should not be trying to change your personality, interests, or cares.
No i think they are low iqs who dont understand anything at all
Ugh I can only unmask when I’m in burnout and physically CANT mask otherwise I crash and burn completely if I try to…I’m trying to find the strength/ability to unmask and not care about the repercussions.
Haha oh girl, I really felt the joke about bpd... I was actually diagnosed with bpd when I was a teenager only to find out 10 years later that I just have autism, adhd and comlex/childhood ptsd🤡
Yo….that shit makes us HILARIOUS!!!! (Seriously)
Hey, I have those problems too. People say u are just looking for excuses. The "its your fault" mentality if the narc is useless to argue with because they refuse to try to understand you...
Same here bpd now autism and adhd
@@gsteas1080 💎
One of the 10 here, thank you for speaking to us. Raised to be a people pleaser and regularly thought it's fine.
Yep
Paige, teens really shouldn’t be diagnosed with BPD for that very reason. Teens are all over the place emotionally.
You're right, my psychiatrist couldn't diagnose me until I was an adult and still showed symptoms prolonging into adulthood. Moody teenage girls show a lot of bpd symptoms!!
@@drugstore999cowgrlgirl my bpd isnt just being “moody”
Most professionals wont diagnose someone with BPD until their late twenties maybe even thirties for this reason.
@@silverkitty2503its becoming more and more accepted to diagnose 16-25yrolds and watch the majority of them find out a few years in the future that they actually just had trauma and asd/adhd/any number of other disorders that dont cause bpd symptoms by themselves, but can if someones life is unstable or traumatic etc
Dude! Exactly! I was diagnosed with BPD by an AWFUL old lady because the FIRST time I saw her (mandated by my GP) I hadn't slept due to medication side effects and essentially had a meltdown in her office, she was like "yep bpd & we're taking you off all ur meds with no tapering or warning"
That of course made me cry even more. Luckily I found a new psychiatrist, but that was honestly traumatizing. I was 16 at the time & I now no longer fit the description of BPD at all. Like literally not at all, mainly due to a lot of self-healing and immense effort to work through my trauma, but still. That was so awful to experience as an emotional teen with no friends and a potentially narcissistic father. 😢
Thank you for having the courage to talk about this and for being vulnerable enough to talk about this so it can help people out - there’s so much value in just opening up about our experiences in this way ❤
This happened to me too. I am diagnosed autistic and ADHD with a shitty family.
We met in our last semester of college and he seemed great at first (if you ignored all of the red flags). He left me poems on my car windshield and would send me audio recordings of him singing. Our first date was perfect until I let him drive my car on the way home, and he decided to got 20+ mph over the speed limit past a state trooper with an expired license and got us pulled over. What a stupid little fool I was. Our relationship should have ended right then and there, but it didn't. I forgave him because he begged me and made ME feel bad for HIM.
We trauma bonded, and I thought it was love. He criticized all of his exes and told me they were crazy, and I believed him. His mask really slipped on New Years Eve though (this was a few months into our relationship), when I told him "no" for the first time (I didn't want to go to a grave yard at near-midnight in the freezing cold). He screamed at me and made me cry, then he dragged me back to the car and tried to make me feel bad for him. I tried to call him out on it, and he wouldn't take accountability.
Our relationship was full of fighting, and I knew it was wrong, and I'd call him out for it, and towards the end I identified what he was and called him a narcissist to his face, but he would just call me overly sensitive. He messed with my head... I would catch him messaging other girls and he would say that I'm the bad person for spying on him.
The worst incident happened when I confronted him about his cheating, I threw a pillow at him. I was so frustrated because he was ignoring me, it ended up with him picking me up, slamming me on the ground (knocking the breath out of me), and then kneeling on my chest so that I couldn't breathe, and screaming in my face. He nearly killed me, but he said that he'd call the cops on ME because I was the crazy b***h. I was scared, because he had bruises on him but the only bruises on me were on the palms of my hands because I was hitting him to try to make him get off of me. That night, I was the one that slept on the couch. But I still didn't leave.
A few months later, he killed my dog when I went to work one morning. He said it was an accident, and faked a suicide note a day or 2 later. His sister begged me on Facebook to forgive him and asked when we'd have children. I told her "sure" and "not yet". My mom said "what if you did have children and he did that to them?" My unhelpful coworker was criticizing me for coming back to work the next day, but I couldn't afford not to work, since I was the only one paying our bills. I was so numb and beaten down, I couldn't do anything. So I stayed with him.
2 weeks, after my dog was murdered, my mom rushed out to be with me. She kept pushing me to think, to leave, but it was like I stopped functioning. I was barely surviving, I hadn't even grieved yet, I couldn't confront him about it or think any thoughts. I was broken. One day, while I was at work, I came home and he was gone. I tried to contact him but he had left his phone. It was valentine's day. My mom told me that they had fought and he had run off. I was so mad at her, because I felt like she was just adding more and more to my already overloaded plate. She helped me track him down, he had gone to work, but he still didn't call. I contacted his mom the next day to see if she had heard from him, and she screamed at me asking me why I hadn't told her until then. A few days later, I went to his job, and finally found him, I asked him if he was coming back. He looked down at me with a condescending grin, and I snapped at that moment and broke up with him and asked him to grab all of his stuff from the apartment and to give me his keys. He had the nerve to ask me for our other dog. It made me seethe. My mom and I ate ice cream and watched movies that night while I cried with rage. I wasn't even sad, just angry.
I still kept in contact with him though, until I moved away from that place a few months later. And then one night he called me at like 2 am, and I got so mad, I finally let loose everything I wished I had said our whole 1 year relationship. I told him to lose my number, and I never heard from him again.
That man was a part of my life for such a short period of time, but he did a ridiculous amount of damage. I didn't date anyone again for 4 years after that, not just because I didn't want to, but because at any hint of a red flag, I ran (so most guys didn't make it past the messaging phase of a dating app). I'm still dealing with the trauma of that relationship nearly 7 years later, but I'm engaged to a good guy now.
My advice to young girls: trust your gut, you can't change them and you deserve better. Don't wait as long as I did and lose as much as I did (or more).
If they kill your animal then you could be next. I am glad you got away from him.
This hit so close to home. I am still in a relationship with a narcissist/sociopath. The problem is I've noticed his manipulative behaviours/habits since the very beginning, but chose to ignore them. These people are such powerful manipulators andcan be so charming, which makes you doubt yourself and your judgement. I've had so many empty conversations with him, where he dances arou d the question, never giving any real answers. Somehow I always end up being guilty and having to apologise.
Sociopath is outdated, please be careful of your language
I hope you’re able to get out of the relationship soon
Girl, you gotta breakup
I know it’s so hard. Try to build a community of people around you who support you before you do it. All the love ❤remember, you’re worth it.
And you’re worth it because you are. No justification. You just are.
That roll into the ad was so casual lmao. Well done
Isn't it crazy how as an autistic person you realize how many times you reach out to be interested in another person's things so you can bond with them? Then some of it actually rubs off into your own interests. Yet, it feels like pulling teeth to get someone interested in anything you are interested in? I'm a poor salesman. That sucks, but it also makes us people with diverse interests that we are deeply passionate about... secretly of course. lol
I'm not autistic and I've had the exact same issue.
@@aperta7525 We certainly don't have a monopoly on being outcasts!
It’s not crazy it’s maddening lol!! No but in an autism in women reddit thread they talked about this and how frustrating it is that we can mask and listen to others’ hobbies even when it’s excruciating for us-yet NTs can’t pretend to be for the life of them! It makes you wonder who is ‘typical’ and who isn’t lol.
When I was like 8 years old, I liked a girl. Now I still cannot let loose, whilst I even live in another country by now.
I’m 3 minutes in and it already hurts because it hits so close to home.
On my 17th birthday I met my ex who was 22 at the time. I turned 22 last year and it really hit me just how gross it was. I had the exact same reaction as she did to seeing high schoolers now. They’re children! Actual children.
But he called me mature and I believed it. It’s hard to think about now. Thank you for making this video.
JUST SITTING THERE WHILE THEY DO OTHER STUFF?? Lol sir I could be doing a little craft or nap right now, but instead I'm holding your couch down?? Noooo! Girl this is so relatable so far, I'm so happy to hear you describe relationships bc this is where I stress myself out the most & where my biggest "I'm not a standard brain!!" flags pop up
I actually had a Narcissist tell me my Autism was an excuse lol.
I had one telling me my genetic auto immune disease was lazyness. The gaslight is hard with narcs.
Emotionally immature people do that to people who struggle with ADHD too.
@@aperta7525They use your weaknesses to shame you. So many autistic people are targeted by narcissist because they have high empathy.
Defining you the way he did - in such general terms - is called snapshotting. You explain it perfectly.
I spent the best part of 20 years with a narcissist... I've only just broken up with him, and uncovering all the damage he's done to both me and my son... I'm so ashamed 😔 to any of you that identity with anything Paige says here, it never gets any better, you just become less and less until you don't even know who you are anymore. I stayed so long I became nothing, twice (yep, I went back too), and I'm rebuilding myself from the ground up at 43. Ironically I think my recent autism diagnosis was what saved me, not only did I start trying to recover myself with the new information I had, which explained SO much, but he didn't like it and his reaction to both my diagnosis, and the growth and change it resulted in, showed me who he really was.
I relate to this. I got diagnosed with adhd recently and now probable asd. I feel like I am finally starting to love myself as I am and my energy is pushing those with negative energy away. I believe all my relationships including currently have been with men with narcissistic tendencies (at the least). I need to find a way to change things.
😢😢😢😢
I'm also an escapee, 20 years in, started again at 43. While I'm sure you would not trade your child for anything, I thank powers that I have no links to that person. I hope this time passed for you has been healing ❤
I have been on the other part of a relationship with similar dynamics that you describe before, a NPD/BPD/autistic bf. I'm sorry you (and others) went through this. It's not good for anyone involved.
NPD in my experience can often happen out of this inner urge to have control, over themselve, situations, people, things. Probably arising out of never having control with their parents. People doing stuff to them instead of with them. So they learned, "hey I need to do the same". So whenever there is a fight, they want to keep the narrative straight on their worldview. Leading to a complete inability to do any perspective taking at all. (EDIT: thinking about it again, any adverse childhood experiences could be the cause. Where you feel out of control and the important indicator is, you try to seek control any way possible.)
Oh and "being in love with the idea of you" is a perfect description of that phenomenon of being crazily in love. Since NPD parents can cause BPD children, BPD is in my experience kind of the perfect counterpart to NPD. The same thing can happen to the victim. It's just that love for the ideal version of a person. And that keeps us inside of that cycle.
For him (NPD) something like a RO-DBT therapy would probably work the best. It's for people who can't let go of control. While normal DBT, is more about volatile emotionality with too little control of them (BPD).
Oh I’ll have to look up that type of DBT. I have BPD and am autistic (yes, I probably have NPD in my family) People with NPD feel so inadequate and many hate themselves too…just like those of us with BPD…but express those feelings by harming people around them to build themselves up. It’s part of their survival mechanism.
@@ReineDeLaSeine14 for sure! you are right about the NPD people feeling very insecure under the surface. Their behaviour patterns are also very simple, reacting situationally by controlling for survival. You are right, I also came to see NPD as very similar to BPD. There are a couple of statistics out there that don't exclude both from cooccurring. 👉IF you are interested in RO-DBT, I can recommend a youtube playlist by "Jennifer May, Ph.D." about RO-DBT. It's like a full on course where you can understand it and how to use it. She explains it very nicely.👈
I always described my experience with BPD in the past like "very socially dysfunctional way to try to control situations" 😄
With NPD on top of everything, you just shut down or selectively use the empathy for other people. So it's easier to not feel immediately guilty until something scratches on the surface like criticism, then it's "" or "" mode.
PROJECTIONS ARE CONFESSIONS.
Narcissists will tell you exactly what theyre doing through accusations. Nondisordered people often do this subconsciously too.
what they say their ex did is usually exactly what they did to the ex. If they speak badly about the ex, its to discount them. If the ex reaches out to you, believe her.
The way a man speaks of his mother and their relationship will tell you a lot. There is a big difference between soeaking badly of someone and speaking honestly.
Guys date much younger when theyre unable to date their own age group. Be insulted not flattered.
I had a relationship like this about a year ago and lasted about three months and I'm so lucky that it was long-distance because not having physical affection and not having him physically give me food to eat or a place to stay is probably what saved me from getting in so deep that I couldn't get out. I did have someone come to me and say that he had been manipulative to them, but he had already built up the "she's crazy" story and he used his own autism to say that people "just don't understand" him, so I didn't believe. And then one day he threatened to kill himself if I broke up with him, totally out of the blue I wasn't even talking about being unhappy in the relationship, and I already knew that this behavior specifically was very manipulative, and that was the last straw, I knew I had to get out specifically because I could see that he was using tactics to keep me in the relationship.
I don't know if being autistic made me more vulnerable, I haven't really thought about it before, but I know that my loneliness and depression made me a huge target.
Always had narcissistic partners until i met my current one. Going strong after 17 years and we’re both weird and we both know it 😂
So happy for you. I'm waiting for my non narcissistic partner I think I deserve it
@@sysyeof course you do, hope you find them
So happy for you
On the advice or my therapist, psychiatrist and close friends I cut off my mother five years ago and recently my only sister (who unfortunately behaves just like our mother). My mother was physically abusive when I was a child (as well as emotionally, but more so after I became a teenager) but that ended once I physically stood up to her at age 15. (Scared her something fierce). My sister (who is 13 years younger than me, the result of an affair my mother had) was mostly raised by me, an Autistric male with anger issues. I physically abused her like my mother had me until I realized she was afraid of me (I had an epiphany that I had become the person I most despised) and so I vowed to be her supporter, her friend against a common enemy and to never lay a hand on her ever again. That was a promise I have kept since, some 38 years later.
Unfortunately my sister was diagnosed with ADD (this was in the 80's by the way) and put on Ritalin at age six. It helped her but she became addicted. At age 17 her doctor took her off the drug without weaning her first, he simply stopped issuing her refills because everybody knows Ritalin isn't habit forming (it's as addictive as heroin). My sister started to self-medicate. This behavior was supported by our thrice divorced mother. My beautiful sister became an addict. She became pregnant, lost her child due to her drug use. Got married to another addict, sold her body for drug money (with her husband's approval). Got pregnant again, lost her child and her freedom due to drug use. Spent two 1/2 years in a women's prison. Got out and immediately started using again, despite overtures of "I've changed, God saved me, etc."
All through this time she sought the approval of her father (who remarried and who seemed to care more for her step daughter than his biological one). His new wife didn't want him having contact with his daughter and I wasn't even a concern since I wasn't his biologically anyway. I was told to my face "I'm not your Father and I will never be your Father." Harsh words said to a 13 year old kid.
My sister tried to have a relationship with the only parent she had left (her Dad passed away from throat cancer) but our mom only dealt with her so long as my sister had custody of her kids, when she lost that, she lost our mother's "approval."
Thankfully others have seen through our mother's narcissism as she lives her life in solitude, waiting to die (which can't come soon enough for me).
As for my sister and myself. She is still an addict though weed is her drug of choice instead of all the narcotics she used to do. The drugs have ravaged her body, she looks older than me (I'm 53) and is just as mentally abusive towards me as my mother ever was. I thought she might change. I would buy her gifts for her birthday (only to discover later that she had sold them to buy drugs). I never became close to her husband, it's my opinion that he thinks she's the best he can get and since she's not held down a legitimate job since she was 15 (prostitution doesn't count) she would be on the street if it wasn't for him.
She started to treat me as an ATM and someone to vent to but heaven help me if I disagreed with her. I realized that the little girl I had taken care of and grown up with was gone and there was this vampire in her place who kinda resembled my sister but wasn't her. I realized I didn't know her at all and for my own self protection I had to cut her off as well. This is the second attempt as I felt bad for cutting her out of my life, only to have her reinforce ny original opinion of her by her resorting to defamation when I refused to pander to her playing the victim.
Due to my own shortcomings I have never sustained a long term relationship and the few times I was in one, I invariably sought out narcisstic women. Codependency. I have never been married, no kids and I'm just kiving day to day. I havew given up the dream of being married because I realized I'm too old, have nothing to offer anyone and honestly I just don't trust women all that much.
Trust is definitely hard to build especially with a lifetime of trauma but believe me when I say you are not too old. As a human being, there is no way you don't have anything to offer
Paige, your ex sounds a lot like mine and I had the unfortunate idea to link myself to him forever by having a child with him... And I also dated him twice, he used the same excuse (you f*me blah blah), charmed me again and we got back together for 3 years this time. Same thing of talking at me for what seemed hours about himself, his project, ideas and never caring about me... He also had mommy issues and she also warned me about him, but he had told me so many horrible things about her, that I dismissed it. And I had no idea I was AuDHD (but now that I know, it explains so much and why he targeted me, he pursued me for months before I accepted to go out with him). It took me years to sort through that relationship and I am still debunking all that, he was lying and gaslighting me all the time I really thought I was losing my mind... Oh and also, if your person has nothing nice to say about any of his exes and it always their fault because they're crazy: red flag, run! Anyway, thanks for sharing your story and I can't wait to read your book.
I'm the only autistic person in my family and for some reason my mum's narcissism always went unnoticed by my siblings. To the point where my sister was lowkey yelling at me that my mum isn't a narcissist lol. Anyways, I suffered for ages and was a people pleaser, I cutoff my mum from my life at 21 and have felt so much better since. Never realised how drained I felt bcuz of it. I'm still recovering and trying to piece together who I truly am but I urge anyone who has a relationship like that in their life to do their best to escape it.
Smoothest ad transition of all time
thank you for sharing this content. i was 18 and he was 25 when we met. got diagnosed recently (audhd) & still can feel his power over me. the grief of having to re process all of that trauma now knowing why i was feeling the way i was at the time. confusing mix of emotions, validating and also very painful. the damage of narcissism is borderline demonic…..
also yes people tell on themselves. they do the work for you once you’re perceptive.
This was painfully relatable. Can’t wait to read your book!!
I'll never forget when i turned 20, I looking at the 16yos thinking I could never... they're just babies!! My ex was 20 and I was 16, I literally cannot fathom what went through his head. "so mature for your age" sir, I believe it was the other way round...
My last encounter with a narcissist nearly ended with the narcissist getting shanked. They were an absolute nightmare to deal with, constantly bullying me eventually ending with me getting fired.
I've been learning about autism from time to time so I can know more about my son who is 10 now and to be better equipped to deal with the judgement and misunderstanding from the rest of the family. I stumble on to your videos! Thanks for putting yourself out there. I'm getting alot from a good mix serious psychology videos and real personal videos like yours. I'm feeling better equipped to defend him when he has his bad days which has been increasing over the years. Now on your topic about your past boyfriend, I can relate to that. It's difficult to live with someone that is blaming, pointing their finger, and treating you like shit. I'm grateful that you got out while you could and that he showed his true self early. I can see that your reflection on that part of your life has made you stronger. You're so much farther ahead at 23 than most people your age or older. I'm very proud of you. 🦉
I’m auhdhd, grew up with a covert narcissistic father, then had a bunch of relationships with invalidating people until it culminated in a relationship with another narcissist.
I'm a 35 year old woman from Brazil, who was raised by a emotionally imature mother (who talked shit about every single soul alive or dead, and everything was always a joke) and an undiagnosed autistic father (who never opened up to me but AT LEAST we spent time together hiking in national parks). Growing up the way I did, lonely, bullied at school and at home, I was desperate to feel validated, but I only understand that now of course. I couldn't fucking understand the concept of self worth. And what you said about older strangers picking up that nobody cares enough about me. Attention was the purest love.
Worth was something other people gave me. I was 13 with a 35 yr old, 15 with a 23yr old and 17 with a 24yr old.
I don't want to leave to imagination but I won't get specific about SA. I spent my 20's in denial about it.
Thankfully I had a few years of a healthy-ish relationship with a guy my age, who also studied graphic design and liked anime and games, like me. He was extroverted, and I tagged along where he went. I was nicknamed Hinata from Naruto, because she was a quiet, shy character, and my ex was loud and obnoxious like Naruto. I enjoyed socializing then because we built an online forum to talk about our interests, named it The Nerd Empire. (Just wanted to add this because those years were very nice and I want to end this comment on a more positive note).
I hope you're doing great! Thanks for sharing your experiences. Adding your book to my reading list!
Honestly, I do not listen to other people about anything , EXCEPT men. If I date a man and anyone says anything bad about them I'll believe it and walk away. Has saved me from tons of horrible situations.
I’m glad you’ve stayed safe, but remember a big part of safety is a healthy connection with someone you love and feel safe with! I hope you find that healthy man and can stay away from manipulators
I have a covert narcissistic mother (one example: when she apologized for abandoning me and my sister when we were kids, it was all about her. The amount of thought she'd put into me and my sister was "I know it must have been hard for you too, but.." and then a bunch of reasons on why it was hard for her to leave her kids and she's so sad and depressed about it, we just can't understand how hard life is for her) and I ended up marrying a malignant narcissist.
I was definitely a mark, a target, a person she knew she could exploit. I got love bombed and believed this person thinks I'm the most amazing guy. It was such a stark contrast to the neverending passive-aggressive criticism of my mother.
The malignant narcissist knew I had a very small social circle and that I struggled a lot with just being social in general, and I was more than happy to let this woman who thinks I'm so amazing to handle any social dealings of mine that she could.
When I started calling out her various abuses 6 years later, she used my reliance on her as a tool to attack me. Turned family members against me behind my back. No one told me about this growing opinion that I'm a terrible husband, and she spent months convincing everyone who cared about me that I was abusive towards her. I hated making phone calls, still do, and she used that to manipulate me into not looking at our bill payments for a few months, so she could not pay anything that was in my name and save the money for moving out. I was entirely clueless while all this was going on, so it was a shock when she suddenly didn't want to work on our marriage anymore, had a new guy to date literally the same day she told me she didn't want to work on our marriage anymore, and then she just took our kids and left me with the home I couldn't afford on my own, no furniture, and a pile of bills that hadn't been paid for months. And people agreed with her! It was all lies, but because I let her in the position of handling a lot of my social dealings, she was able to convince people, including my family, an entirely different fantasy novel worth of bad things about me
So much of this is really painfully relatable and I wish I’d been able to see it when I was 16/17, thanks for posting. I’m sure it will really help someone.
"Uxor" is the most prevalent Latin term for "wife". Following the prevailing pattern of Latinate murder terms, your lacuna at 1:33 would probably be something like "uxoricide" ("mariticide" for the case of husband's demise) .
Neither of these have a red underline as I am typing; so, I assume these are the correct terms. Unfortunately, I have only ever encountered the far more boring "spousal homicide" in usage.
Do you have any idea Paige… How mindblowing you are to people like us who went thru these things with no one there to talk to about it ? Thank YOU
it‘s truly incredible how clearly you can now see and explain it. youre so self reflected, it‘ s amazing! i hope you‘re doing good 💓
Girl I have never seen someone more like myself in the way you talk and think and experience and everything!! 😮
What hit me the most is when in your story, you realized your ex'ts toxicity by connecting it to your father's behavior. I'm autistic too and I'm like 99.99% sure my dad has NPD and I have the trauma to prove it. It really sucks how common it is for us autistics to be in relationships with narcissists even if it wasn't romantic/a family member.
Poor Paige ! I hope she got through this ! Praying for her ! I’m an extrovert but I understand her so well and have tons of empathy and compassion for her even though she’s an introvert! :)
Dude. Allllllll of this.
My bio mom and my ex husband are both extremely narcissistic and you described so much of how those relationships were and how they made me feel.
Also me processing things differently was always an issue. Like I’d get yelled at about being autistic because I didn’t have the outward emotional reaction they expected me to have.
00:13 🧠 The speaker discusses a difficult period after her autism diagnosis and a breakup, focusing on a past relationship.
00:40 🎭 She explores how certain traits in autistic individuals might align with the desires of narcissistic partners.
03:05 👶 She reflects on how her perception of high schoolers has changed over time, emphasizing the importance of being in a relationship with equals.
04:57 🗣️ The speaker points out how her ex-boyfriend's description of her changed dramatically over time, revealing manipulative behavior.
07:26 🚫 She shares her discomfort with being pushed into social situations she didn't want, highlighting a lack of consideration for her preferences.
08:50 😡 The speaker recalls instances where her ex-boyfriend would blame her for their arguments, showcasing a lack of accountability on his part.
11:18 💔 She expresses how the relationship affected her self-esteem and how the ex-boyfriend's attention made her feel valued.
14:43 🤯 The speaker describes how her ex-boyfriend excelled at manipulation, using emotional tactics to justify his behavior.
17:06 📱 The speaker addresses accusations of infidelity from her ex-boyfriend, revealing his lack of trust and control issues.
20:57 🤔 The speaker discusses a conversation with her ex-boyfriend's mother, who confessed to her own problematic behavior and urged the speaker to leave him.
21:37 🚩 Be cautious about seeking advice from exes, especially if they label someone as "crazy." It can be a manipulation tactic.
22:06 🚩 Pay attention to how someone talks about their exes. Negative and derogatory comments may indicate unresolved issues.
23:16 🚩 Be wary if someone constantly boosts your appearance but doesn't appreciate you for who you are.
23:56 🚩 If a breakup leads to severe emotional distress or suicidal thoughts, seek immediate support from friends, family, or professionals.
24:22 🚩 Recognize red flags and patterns, like quickly finding a new partner, especially if they're significantly younger.
25:51 🚩 If you feel pressured to conform to someone's image of you, realize that it may not be genuine love, but rather an idealized version.
I thought narcissists were repelled by us coz we question everything which they don’t like, we have short attention spans, thus disempowering them and we won’t be told what to do
In part yes but it depends.
Well, we're not a monolith, and neither are they. But while we may be prone to questioning what doesn't make sense, we also have a long history of accepting things that don't make sense in order to get along. In a romantic relationship, that can mean accepting abuse because the person says they love us even if they don't act like it. When we object, they act like they're the victim, and because of our inclination to support the underdog, suddenly we're taking their side against our own and it's all downhill from there.
@@juniperdoes for me if the logic isn’t logicing, I can’t empathise, hence I can’t do people, but at least it protects me from narcissists! Lol I fantasise about being with one and torturing them just from being myself! Lol it would make a great comedy movie. My biological dad is one and he doesn’t know how to deal with me! 😂
@@jgoodwin977it can happen to anyone. especially autistic people. i’m glad you feel like you can protect yourself, but trust me, it may sneak up on you. nobody is immune to an abusive relationship, even if you think you know all the signs/think you would immediately stand up for yourself. i say this from experience.
Autistic people and other neurodivergent people generally make easy targets for narcissists we tend to miss red flags and let out the most sensitive part about are selves which can be used as criptonigh aginst us. Narcissists and sociopath love people who have are qualities loving, niave and non judgmental. Have a good childhood and being raised by loving parental figure can help give someone armour but it doesn't makes us entirely bullet proof. Unfortunately only though experience can we prevent allowing people like this into our ever again lives.
This is the first video I’ve ever seen of yours. I cried at the end. I’m going through divorce right now, and you said it so perfectly… he didn’t love me, he had an image of me that he thought he loved. I would physically hold my breath when he would enter the room. I wanted to make it work but I would not chisel myself to fit the mold he had made for me, so it quickly fell apart.. I’m terrified of What Come Next. But I’m ready to be free.
Glad I stumbled upon your channel. Love finding new creators to enjoy and gosh it’s rare to get one with so many commonalities. Looking forward to your book ❤
Being aspie myself, I am always hugely supprised, when someone as pretty as you can be autistic.
There's a lot of conventionally good looking autistic people. Their appearance is just a part of their mask by default.
Was with a narcissist for 11 years... there was a lot of damage done. Thanks for talking about it.
I was groomed by a 22 year old at 15 and we dated from the time I was 16 to 19. He was a textbook narcissist. Looking back, all 3 of us younger women he dated and abused back then (idk what he’s doing now) were clearly neurodivergent. ☹️
"Shiny pretty rock." Quote of the day.
I've been wondering if us ASDrs stay in bad relationships longer due to not getting social cues and RSD. Finally got out of a very abusive sit. with a diagnosed sociopath (I didn't know until he took everything else away from me) after getting a brain injury. I tell people -don't wait like I did.
That sounds about right.
Yup
😢😢😢
Oh my god yes this.
I been a teenager in a similar situation and now that im 28 like .... WHAT THE HELL
I even find 20year olds and 23y olds to be children. Teenagers are babies. I dont see how anyone in their sane mind could have perceived my teenage immature, chaotic and autistically messed up self, as an equal and adequate longterm romantic partner.
And yea same story here, been sad and vulnerable, with no support system. And he was the only one listening, helping and being around. He took advantage of that.
I did date someone 2 years older as a teenager, and that did work out because we were on the same page. But all the others that showed interest in me like sheesh. Dodged a bullet for sure there
I ain’t even watch this video yet and I feel you girl
The best is when the narcissist upsets you and then when you express that in any way toward them, no matter how healthy or constructive, they accuse you of not being able to control your reactions and it's all your fault you feel that way. I had an ex who wanted me to miserable but to grateful and happy about it.
My first relationship I reckon he was a Narcissistic.
A common trait of such people is what I term the DBJs. Short for Deny, Blame and Justify.
They deny the bad things they did. "It wasn't that bad" or "you remeber it wrong" and sometimes "that never happened."
They blame others. "If you had just done this tiny insignificant thing then all this bad wouldn't have happened" or "It's your fault, you made me do it."
Or they have some convoluted reason that "justifies" their bad behaviour.
Coupled with a lack of respecting boundaries. If you say no thanks, need space, or some other boundary they keep pushing, pressuring or throw a tantrum to get their way.
Those are red flags to avoid. Peope who do this don't take responsibility, don't take accountability and don't respect others.
But one thing that really stuck out was my ex did not want a relationship with me, he wanted a relationship with with someone else and wanted me to fit that. Rather than accept me or break up abuse me to force what he wanted me to be.
AND because he was so far down the DBJs tunnle he could not comprehend when things were actually his fault or not ok. To him everyone else was the problem therefore he had no reason to change. And it dawned on me, things were never going to get better because his problematic behaviour was not going to change.
I learnt a lesson. I left. And I will never repeate that again. I figured out I'm incompatible with such person so I walk away from the red flags. No giving understanding. No being patient. No benefits of the doubt. I walk. Basically I'm allergic to such people now. Any boundary pushed, no matter how small, or DBJ expressed when they do wrong, nope I'm out.
And doing this I've instead found my now fiance who is wonderful. He is kind, caring, respectful. We are happy. No DBJs, just a guy who takes accountability and is a kind caring person.
It sucks some of us have to go through this. I'm greatful for videos like this as they highlight that some people are problematic and relationships like in the video aren't normal and aren't ok and that's it better to leave. Perhaps others will avoid these mistakes.
This is so freaking real! Almost every relationship (familial, platonic, romantic) I've been in have been either npd or toxic bpd, which makes sense since my mom has both of those, so they feel normal. I'm currently working on a book of poetry about my last relationship and another about my mom/childhood. I've been reading SO MANY books about recovering from narcissistic abuse because what they say is trapped in my head.
Beautiful smart girl you look like an older version of one of my daughters like a pixie fairy so emotionally intelligent kudos to you 💕
Your story matched mine nearly perfectly but the age gap was just a little bit bigger. He was 21 and I was 16. Preordering your book now! Thanks for sharing your story Paige
Father is a first male role model to every child's live. If you as a female had a narcissistic (absent, emotionally unavailable, in any form abusive, who broke child's boundaries) father, you'll be attracted to and be a magnet for the same type of people in adulthood for one simple reason - it feels like home.
This all pretty much happened to me when I was 20. My ex was 38 at the time. Even if you're a consenting adult, when you're that young it's STILL fucked up for someone that much older to zero in on you. Maybe not when you're in your 30s or 40s and you've had time to live and understand the world and develop as a person. But as a 20-year-old, autistic, DEEPLY starved for love and attention, very anxious young adult, it was so inappropriate and predatory for a 38-year-old man to pursue me. He groomed me and molded my perception of the world to his liking and everything was wonderful until I started to develop some self-worth and didn't want to be sexually available to him 24/7. He would say that saying no was always okay, but he would get upset if I ever did. He even said that people not finding him attractive or wanting to sleep with him was triggering. I don't know how much therapy I'm going to need to heal from the 3 and a half years I spent with him. These kinds of things happen when you don't have a healthy and loving support network to uplift you. The best defense you can have against falling into relationships like this is surrounding yourself with people who respect you and care about what you think and feel and want.
I love the way you try on words. ❤ I am autistic too and I dated one and his reactions for the situation were so over the top or none at all. All about control not love. We with autism see the screaming child and it often saves us from continuing for too long because they don't make sense.
Honestly I relate to this too much. Im not diagnosed with anything but I dated someone almost identical to your ex, from the going over to his house to just sit next to him and do nothing while he plays video games, like this grown 20 yr old would invite me over when i was 16 on a school night and then hed put on his headset and talk to other people while i just sat there until past midnight and get mad if i wanted to go home. All his exes were "crazy" and his mom was also so toxic and he'd always bitch about her. And he HATED so many things about me, he would constantly tell me how to act and what to like and it would cause arguments if i did something innocent he didn't like. He'd SA me constantly because i was so young i didnt have experience with a health s*x life. And then he'd cheat on me with girls younger than me which was tbe biggest red flag. Anyway this year he finally got arrested for cp and he's facing four life sentences and his trial is this month so karma really did its thing. Im in lots of therapy, 20 years old and raising my daughter with my beautiful girlfriend, and just started college this year. Healing takes a lot of work but its definitely possible :)
This feels a little like one of those situations where the actual narcissist thinks sometime else is
This is the healing content I am so excited to hear from you !
This video needs way more interaction.
I think more people should hear this message fr.
Its shocking how narcissists always find themselves in relationships
Ironically, they’re the type of people that are the most desperate to be in relationships.
Usually, they end up in less and less relationships over time, to the point where they are completely alone by the age of 50.
yes. I have a lot of thoughts about this video, but the first time they say anything like "My ex was crazy" Its time to run for the hills. and Legit its so hard not to try to "save" the next girl they pull in if youre witness to it, but you just know they probably wont listen cause youve already been made to be the villain, or the "It wont happen to me" mentality I think most of us have. I def think us asd ppl get fooled easier by narcs because a lot of us assume the best of people (likely partially because weve been misunderstood in the past). I wish there was some sort of database we could make to warn ppl but thatd just be abused by the abusers if everything wasnt vetted thoroughly.
On the spectrum here, and let me tell you, I seem to attract the narcissistic man. Nearly every relationship I had was with a narcissist. And every time I was so caught up in the moment, I didn't see the red flags. It's the love bombing part that gets me every time. And before I know it, I'm knee deep in psychological trauma. Sadly, one of them is my daughter's father so I'm stuck dealing with him for eternity. The only way to rid yourself of a narcissist is to go no contact, but sadly, I'm court ordered to have contact with him, so kind of puts me in a pickle. My therapist is making a small fortune off of this set up honestly.
I'm in the same situation with my son and his father. Good news is that as our children grow, the less contact we have with the other parent.
I can't go no contact too, but I avoid the abuse being far away from him as I can. Minimum contact, a lot of exhausting masking and keeping quiet if I have to see him, but It's the only thing that can keep me safe!
@@panasado7886 I wish I could move far away, sadly because of the custody ruling, I am forced to stay within a 45 minute from his house. *sigh. And now with his GF about to likely pass on, I am going to have to deal with him directly more often, which is likely going to kill me with the amount of stress that brings to my life.
@@randomreactions16 I'm sorry you have to deal with him like that. It might help to cut emotional ties, but It's difficult and it doesn't stop the arguments. I'm still working on it, but In my case, I'm learning to just "Not care" even if what he says hurts and stresses me out. I don't deserve his abuse, therefore I won't engage.
Something that motivates me in my situation is my son. I know is messed up to be near an abusive person and having to just "suck it up", but I feel like I need to be there for him. I want to take care of him and make sure that he's in good hands
Thank you for sharing. Very similar thing happened to me as well. He and I had started talking when I was 15 and we got together shortly after I turned 16 and he was turning 20. He was super emotionally and mentally manipulative /abusive and it took years of us on and off for me to move on from him. Years after everything, he apologized to me for how he treated me. By then I had already moved on and forgiven him, even though a lot of the emotional/mental trauma he put me through affected how I perceived my relationships for years to come. Im 35 now, I don't really think about it anymore but from time to time he still apologizes to me and he will even cry because he was that awful to me. I think it's probably rare for people like this to change but at least there is one less a**hole running around in the world. Oh, I forgot to mention, I am also autistic. Diagnosed this year. It's true that (at least in my experience) people like this tend to look for autistic folk. I hate that even after all my years of experience, I am still naive and hopeful and give people too many benefits of the doubt... but I'm slowly trying to learn who is good to have in my life and who isn't. Again, thanks for always sharing, Paige.
Wow, Paige, i am so proud of you. I know it wasnt at all easy for you to leave this guy, but you finally fucking did it! And thank you for this info. This is something everyone can relate to autistic, or neurotypical
I would have really needed this video a year ago. At least it’s cathartic to hear. I hope this video helps others.
I'm currently having the opposite version of your relationship. I'm a male autist (maybe ADHD?) married to a female narcissist. I grew up with two narcissistic parents and absolutely turned into a people pleaser. Anywho, she asked me to marry her when I was alone and vulnerable and I stupidly took the bait, even though I broke up with her several times during the year we dated. But I figured "fake it til you make it, right?" Well, two kids later and we are still having the same old fights over the same old fundamental issue: I can't talk to her about anything. And not only that, she has no interests other than traveling, and no matter how much I tried to encourage her to get back into her hobbies, get me involved in them, get involved in my hobbies, or anything, but she wouldn't. She also wouldn't get a job, then she'd complain about how bored she is. Every friend she made since we have been married has been a result of me forcing her to try having a friend. And now I'm just too tired of the constant fighting and total lack of connection. It wears me down until I am totally numb.
Im so sorry you went through this. So many autistic people go through abuse from partners. It makes me so sad to think of all the teenagers who are treated this way by adults. Its aweful.
Paige, I love how animated you are when telling stories, it's so engaging and funny
Haven't watched some Paige in a while. I started a channel coz of you and felt empowered about my autism for the first time coz of you. Love your work Paige!!! huge fan!! i am late diagnosed at 56 and cptsd. H=Greetings from Western Australia!!
Girrl you are STUNNING! Just somehow your soul speaks through and you shine physically.
I have AuDHD, Combination for the ADHD. Then they tossed in OCD in to the mix of my diagnosis. I am cutting off my Sister-in-Law for being narcissistic. Maybe my biological father was one, but he was mostly out of my life growing up. You remind me of Amanda Siegfried. These men, are mostly grooming younger women that they know they control. One of the best things I learned in health class was how to spot an abusive relationship. My mother as a kid got me out of a grooming situation. I subscribed today.
Thanks or describing what I felt around my SIL, the fawn, fight or flight. I am now in the flight stage where she thinks she has removed me from her life, but for my mental health I have decided she is not worth it and just want to ignore her as much as possible.
Thank you for sharing your story! I went through something almost the exact same, it’s actually crazy. My guy was also 18 turning 19 when I was 16. This made me feel less alone, less bad about the affect he has on me to this day (im 20 now). I haven’t been diagnosed with autism, but it has always been a floating thought. I’m just so glad to know I wasn’t alone in that, and that the things that happened to me aren’t because I deserve it, and simply because some people are just not good people.
Thank you so much for making these videos!! You’d have no idea how much this helps people❤
Thank you so much for making this video. I haven’t been diagnosed but have had suspicions for a while now and god I relate to this so much. I didn’t have good parents or support with family and fell into bad relationships, my first was when I was 14 and he was around 20. They continued occasionally from there and I swear they always loved my kindness but not me and by the end I felt so alone and like I was not lovable. It’s literally killed positive parts of myself because it felt like it was my fault but this information is helping me realize that I’m not alone and I’m not crazy or stupid for what I went through so thank you❤
Listened to you for 39 seconds and loved your energy, so I subscribed. 👽
When I was 20 I dated a 29 year old because I thought he was cute. It was a nightmare, I had bright blue hair and a tattoo and he tried so hard to convince me to dye my hair back to brown and I said no you can't control me. Then he broke up with me once because I wanted to spend time with my dad instead of hanging out with him. Then I was stupid enough to invite him to my 21st birthday because I knew he wanted to get back together. Flash forward to a couple weeks later we went bowling and he drank promised me he was sober and then took me home now that I'm 28 I know he was for sure plastered. We broke up again because I decided to go to Chinese with a friend of mine to nurse a hang over and he was frustrated that I didn't go to hang with him the moment he said jump. He ended up getting his license taken away for drunk driving with his toddler. I'm so lucky I got away when I did
The wordsalad thing, it's so hard to argue when they don't play by normal peoples rules of communication. And they need to argue so often it exhausts you beyond and forces you to stoop as low as he does with the screaming and namecalling and all that toxic shit. Cause what else can you do when they don't listen to calm sensible speech and won't leave you alone. They love the drama. He confessed that to me. I'm a very patient person and he loved it when he was finally able to trigger me enough that I would snap and go crazy bc of him.
Could he have blocked you on social media to prevent you from learning about his social circle or perhaps some other part of his life?
maybe to also prevent her talking to someone in his life and altering the social image he has crafted.
This explains
I have an iriley similar story but it's a lot darker. I'm glad we both got out. I'm noticing this might be a thing. I think I'm picking up on a pattern here as far as young impressionable autisitic person being romantically involved with an older narcissistic partner. It's really devastating. Anyone going through this please know that you do not deserve how you're being treated. Get out and build a healthy relationship with YOU. ❤
Me too. I was another one!
The way you spelled eerily is unlikely anything I've ever seen before. Well done
Not even ready to watch this one. I hate that narcissist seek out vulnerable people and see genuine people like us as vulnerable.
You are such a vivid storyteller, thank you for sharing.