As a half-human half-alien, you need to accept that some (maybe most) people aren't worth becoming acquainted with. Mediocrity abounds, and nobody is much of an exception. Practice being cool with estrangement. Work hard, save money, build character, find principles that speak strongly to you, recognize those principles in other people and admire them from a respectful distance. Analyze everything... break ideas apart in your mind, tinker with the pieces and put them back together in 100 different ways. Become sincere, curious, rational, and you will be able to gaze deeply and widely, constantly (nearly subconsciously) developing new perspective. It's exhausting but it will strengthen your mind and spirit. Remember, don't forget: our minds are both tool and weapon; both clay and fire.
You ever listen to someone's story and gradually start crying as you realize that you're not just listening to another person but to a voice that could've been yours
100%. Listening to Savannah feels like discovering a kindred spirit, someone who understands you to your core, your soul and finding comfort that someone else understands. 19:23 19:24
The line about one's darkest secrets turning out to be well-known diagnostic criteria absolutely killed me. The lightening of the overwhelming shame for those characteristics that I have carried with me for years is the highlight of my adult existence.
"Putting on a play for 8 hours a day" is so damn relatable. It's so wild to me that people get to go through life without having to struggle to *act normal* all the time. Like you said, it's exhausting. Merely just existing.
Wait you mean to tell me there are people who don't struggle to act normal, how did you manage to see them without their mask in order to know, especially if they wear it while they sleep. By what she described there are no people who don't have autism, even the school musical lookalikes struggle to fit in, get bullied, or get to be lost in thought. But just like drinking, you get thought by your peers how to like being fake extrovert. The worst part is society shaming people for being normal, conscious little beings at an earlier age, i need to applaud her for being normal while not near "normal people" (i've seen worse from "normal" people it's just that the norm is not normal, no one is perfectly normal)
Yeah I remember the feeling of “acting” in high school and I distinctly remember how tired I’d feel every day after I got home. Then I entered the work force and it was even harder to act as sometimes it was 10 hours a day . I mask constantly when around others. Not fun
I'll take that as a spoiler. I recently started trying to socialize, and I don't know what to call masking because I feel like I'm trying something I haven't tried before. I was raised by proud nerds, and there was no pressure for me to socialize at all. I want to hope I'll be able to socialize properly a good 6 hours a day 4 days a week as time goes on.
i literally don't even realize i'm doing it anymore. my mask has become permanently fused to my face lmao. only really comes off when i am completely and entirely alone.
I could never be another brick on the wall. At the beginning I felt excluded from the wall, then I realized that being outside allows me to see the whold picture of the wall.
"Sometimes one's darkest secrets are just common, well-documented symptoms." This was the same experience I had when I realized as an adult that I was autistic. My whole life I was confused by what made me "weird," (because I made sense to myself) but once I learned about autism it cleared things up.
@@theodorealenas3171 A problem well stated is a problem half solved. At the point that one learns that they are not, in fact, the only person on the planet to experience these things, some new opportunities open up, armed with that awareness: 1. Now that one knows that they are not alone in their experiences, they can seek connection with others who are harboring these "dark secrets". 2. Through either those connections, or through documentation, one can seek answers/solve their own problems through the learned experiences of others, rather than having to rediscover all of the answers themselves. Oftentimes, if there's a pattern to the problem, there is a pattern to the solution. Everyone is different so this is a bit of a generalization, but understanding this can be very empowering.
@@theodorealenas3171 I think a lot of social norms are still conscious thoughts by neurotypical people. I feel like if it was completely subconscious they wouldn't get so offended when an autistic person behaves abnormally. I think about how most of the time when you have a cringe reaction it's because you see a piece of yourself in whatever the cringe is, so I would assume it is the same reaction when a neurotypical person gets offended at an autistic person for stimmin' and shit.
I'm "bipolar", "ADHD", and possibly "BPD". No matter what meds I take, or therapy I try, I'll probably always "feel things" more or "differently" than most "people"... I've always felt like either "I don't get it" or "they don't get it"... Thank you All who are bold & brave enough to share your best & true self with the rest of us
Phycyatry is actually concidering bpd may actually just be unregulated trumatized autisum i was misdignosed bpd when i was dignosed adhd at 8 by 18 i had bpd put on me over medcated with phyc meds all my 20s in sensory oveload and burnout faught with drs now there agreeing its not bpd i was an unregulated autistic with the adhd and the unregulate autisum looked like what they thought was bpd this is whats confuseing Phycyatry
Maybe being normal is wrong. I mean, my Former friend who pretended to be Jesus and didnt give a Damm about anything lived happy life. He even dressed up as him and read the Bibel. My Stearn faced english teacher laughed, and while she was fair, she usually was very serious
I told my friends once that my least favorite part of autism by far is how I have to think and feel everything so damn hard, all the time. Like, I'm not able to have moderate levels of thoughts and emotions, everything is amplified whether I like it or not, and it's exhausting! I also think that's a big factor in why a lot of us have drug problems, because for me at least, a mental break from everything being too much is the best feeling ever.
My son is in the spectrum with intellectual disability. He is 18. Last year he confessed that he thinks everyone wants him to go away because they hate him. The social rejection and isolation are painful. I am sorry you had that too.
People are intolerant and fearful of whatever different from them. Also they often take weird facial expressions as an insult or being mocked at. When you just can't control them.
Super validating! When I was a young kid I literally would say to myself “there’s something wrong with me. I’m not supposed to be here” I felt there was an invisible social barrier my mind couldn’t process
I know how that feels! I’ve always felt like that and I still do sometimes and I’m 25.. is it a symptom or something? idk just I’ve always been asking myself “what’s my purpose” “why am I here” “what’s wrong with me” ect I think I was 5 or 6 when I first started thinking Like that
I always felt that there was a class I missed that everyone else had taken to learn how to do normal people things, and also remember convincing myself that before I was born everyone got together to plan how to make me sad as much as possible. Nice to know that’s not the case!
@@InfiniteCookie3-jo2bbI had it pretty strongly at times in my life. In my late teens and early 20s I’d get strong doses of it .. I’ve never felt like a normally Motivated and enthusiastic person . I just always checked it off to “depression” but I knew there was something else going on . I didn’t come to realize it was autism Until my late 30s. All of my relationships are a result of “masking”..
@@brianmeen2158 yeah that’s how I’ve felt.. the bullying at school didn’t help either it gave me unreal amounts of anxiety and made me wanna stay home and be in my comfort zone with my mum.. the doctors said I have anxiety and depression. but my mum did try to get help when I was about that age having those thoughts because I was also hyperactive asf but shy and timid and she thought I had adhd maybe but they said I was just being a normal kid so I have no idea at this point 😅 still questioning myself with the same thoughts till this day if I’m honest
"It's like the population of a small country have been trying to contort themselves into a shape that they never could have possibly made, and they're doing it quietly, so as not to to inconvenience anyone with their suffering. Certain it's their fault for not understanding. Feeling like there's some distinct lack in them that could be repaired if only they tried harder." this really sort of sums it up perfectly. Thank you for sharing your journey.
yeah, it made me think about how apparently ~20% of the population have a neurodivergence diagnosis, in spite of the fact loads of people can't access diagnosis and loads more don't want a diagnosis. if you add us all together we might make up a majority of people but we all feel like freaks because neurotypical people all think alike. Those with a consensus on how a mind 'should' work and what sensory experience 'should' be like are the ones who shape societal structures. Then those of us with a wide variety of minds and sensory experiences are pathologized for not coping.
Makes you question,how many more people are made to fit in a mold rhey arent, they just are easier to mold in? Honestly the woeld should ve for people in general not the other way round. Setiouslyalotofpeople,j6st have a higher tolerance. I mean everyone would profit from being more inclusive andnot rigid. I get the diagnosis thing thou,if you function somehow okish,its a stigma too. And hard to acess usually.
@@LordVader1094 the National Institute of Health: dceg.cancer.gov/about/diversity-inclusion/inclusivity-minute/2022/neurodiversity. this referenced neurodiversity resource by and for ND folk:www.neurodiversity.guru/what-percentage-is-neurodiverse
I can't even begin to formulate the depth to which I relate to your story. I was born in the USSR in the 80's, a place and time where there was no "you're different" but rather "you're a problem". no "you're struggling" but rather "you're lazy". no "you're unable to" but rather "you choose not to". And even though I moved to a different country in the 90's my parents still had this soviet mindset that made me feel like a monster. I had no friends, so they told me that I'm just not putting enough effort. I had a hard time in school, so they told me that I'm just not putting enough effort. Basically no matter what was the problem there was only one explanation - me being bad. I never could maintain eye contact with people I talked to, this was interpreted as me refusing to show respect. Finally, a week ago, I decided to get diagnosed for ASD (I'll be 40 next year). It's still in the process so I have no conclusion yet but just like you, I'm pretty sure I know what the result will be. I just hope it will be possible to perform the diagnosis without contacting my parents. I haven't talked to my mom for about 11 years now because I couldn't take her abuse anymore. I do talk to my dad once in several months but he doesn't really know who I am. One time, about 9 years ago, I told him I'm having suicidal thoughts and getting a treatment and it made him laugh. He said "psychology is a scam. suck it up, life is hard for everyone" so from that day I never talked to him anymore about my struggles, I don't even want to imagine what he might say in an interview with the psychologist that works on my diagnosis. Thank you for this video from the very depths of my shriveled dead heart. You gave me hope ❤
Good luck friend, truly good luck ❤️ If it helps, you can start giving yourself treatment/learning now, since you *do* have these symptoms and experiences even though not yet an official ASD label. Sure you know that though :)
I'm really sure that what he'd say would be revealing to the psychologist. He'd reveal a lot about himself. The things the psychologists actually wants to know, they'll have to extract by asking specific questions, because the interviewed person will always tend to tell their point of view, want to convince the person they are talking to of their p.o.v., but of course that's not what the person looking for signs of autism is interested in. Hope I made some sense
A lot of us autistic people are very introspective and into philosophy. It feels really great to know I can relate to her so much, however it's true that autism comes with struggles. Being mindful and learning how to better control emotions can be difficult and something I'm still struggling with to some extent as an adult.
@@kaeji_namitsua no. neurotypical people just have emotions, and they can supress them to some extent. only severe events trigger severe emotions in NTs. NDs have extreme emotional states arise from non extreme events.
@@kaeji_namitsua you’re right about that but we often have extra trouble with negative sensory output, like loud sounds for example. Some of us are also very bad at emotionally navigating through unfamiliar situations.
Never say you were bullied. It is self-talk telling yourself you are helpless and preventing you from noticing the tools you have to overcome your adversaries.
@Ian_Gabriel What is the problem with using the legal terms such as "assaulted" or "harassed"? Why should those who are assaulted and harassed by made to feel helpless and weak?
@@GafafsgI agree. It comes across very invalidating of those horrific experiences we went thru. And never saying your truth is what has caused me to have autoimmune diseases. From holding in everything in order to not set someone else off.
Thank you for sharing. As someone with a 7 yr old "high functioning" autistic son I'm listening hard to catch little hints I can use to help prepare him for the world. I suspect I'll never be able to pave the way smoothly enough to prevent some type of trauma, but it gives me encouragement when I hear your story about how self-acceptance can lead you to living a life which still has love, laughter and contentment, despite the struggle. The hardest thing right now is treading the line between helping him be socially competent through exposing him to diverse situations so he can learn to mask and helping him develop an awareness of other's internal worlds, but at the same time letting him know that he's loved just how he is and it's ok that not everyone will understand.
Same here. Was homeschooled. My elder sister is definitely autistic. My dad absolutely has to be autistic. And my younger brother probably is. Me though? I'm just really smart and really lazy. Doing the crap humans do? It's a waste of time and energy and I just outright refuse to do it. Like sportsball, or social shit. The double speak used in social pair bonding. People's insistence on using credit when they ought not purchase things for which they cannot pay. How people cannot understand the electoral college and how it negates the voting power of every American. How farmers can't understand the fact that most of them don't actually grow food, but instead, cash crops, which, again, is not food. I dunno. I'm just not human I think.
Same. Hence my channel's name lol. I have the reversed story, internalizing ableism over an inaccurate diagnosis of Autism+ADHD then disowning the labels later on because I'm just.... HSP and I may have even a hypothetical neurophenotype that doesn't even have a name or recognition yet which I "rediscovered". Strange but mutually common things can happen if you just have a "byronic personality".
To have one's lived experience be defined by some imperceivable "Otherness" and have it recontextualized with a diagnosis is a very confusing yet cathartic process and you captured it wonderfully Sav!
I've been diagnosed with ADHD since I was a child, never been tested for autism but so much of what you said rang true to exactly how I coped with my lack of sociability. The masking, copy/pasting personality traits that I like, the idea that i'm mentally fucking up by not pushing myself harder to have large friend groups and some sort of lifestyle that I decided was "normal". I just turned 26 in September, and a lot of my adult life has been chasing the idea of "I will fix myself before i'm 30". I'm beginning to realize that I was trying to become someone else because the world had made me feel as if I was unfit to exist as myself. Unlearning that takes a lot of self-care and thought. I can't put my feelings into words the way you can, which is why I write music. It's the one thing that ppl have been able to understand me through. I appreciate your videos, and others like them. It's so liberating to hear words you've been trying to say your whole life, come out of someone else's mind via their unique experiences.
Your videos have continuously resonated with me in ways I don't think any other artwork on this platform has. There's something so cathartic watching someone throw back your own indescribable feelings and experiences at you. To know that there's someone who really gets it. Speaking from one 'alien' to another, thank you.
"I later learned it was because I was making then unconfutable. they felt unconfutable because of my personality." That one hit WAY to close to home for me 😢
That resurfaced a particularly confusing and painful memory of the exact moment I realized this and learned to change my mask for those social group situations
Same... this has been a source of confusion and pain for me my whole life. If I didn't have my wife, who is also asd, I would be utterly alone in my experience of life.
"there's some kind of deficiency in me that can be fixed with mental effort, and once it's fixed then I can join them" honestly, that spoke directly to my soul and i genuinely almost cried. which is cool cause i've been physically incapable of crying for the past few months, i have no idea why and i'm genuinely scared of trying to find the answer
That's an interesting symptom to que in on. I'm guessing you're a female? I think not crying for months on end is very typical for men and we don't even think about it. We just end up crying once or thrice a year and it's usually very cathartic but then we don't think about it again. When I had a struggle with mental health years back, in retrospect one of the earliest symptoms is that I had like a week or two where I could cry about anything. I could just think the word "mom" and start crying, and my mom was alive and well.
I've been thinking that I am autistic (female) and I also have been feeling a lack of deep emotion lately and reminisce on the childhood like wonder and excitement I had before I think I started masking. Is this common? I feel like I have been losing myself and I don't know how to get back to who I was.
@candyqueen3024 I'm not diagnosing you either way, and neither should you, but just FYI what you're describing is totally normal as you age. And most of us miss it and can get sad and nostalgic as we think about it. And when you're 30, you'll feel even more than way about your twenties are realize you still had some. And the same again a decade later. It's normal. There's things you can do to try to keep it alive and re-expierience it and honestly I think that's what a lot of adults ruin or waste their lives trying to do when they take it to an extreme. No, I think you just have to try to enjoy the moments of childlike wonder you still get and be thankful for it. It usually happens alone anyway and why are you "masking" when you're alone? I am a special education teacher and have taught hundreds of kids with autism and have never meet one who chose to mask at home or alone. That's why they all love their house and their moms and just want to go home most of the school day because they have total freedom to stim without task demands at home.
That sentence summarizes high school experience for many of us I'd say. But I guess eventually you realize that the mental effort wasn't worth it and you stop trying to be part of anything
As someone with ADHD who has always been called slow, never can make a decision, always forgets, and not as stoic as most of the guys that are 23 I can tell you I completely understand. I finally can say I’m different for a reason and there’s more like me, I’m not alone.
@@ludwigderludeI could say the same about your half assed attempt at criticism while covering yourself with a tired ‚geh‘. That’s not very stoic of you. *Shame*
I'm 21 and I'm 99% convinced I have some form of undiagnosed autism. Hearing Savannah share her childhood stories immediately called to mind a dozen others from my own that were so similar. I was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Dysfunction as a kid (Now known as Sensory Processing Disorder, or SPD), and (from my knowledge) was falsely diagnosed with ADD as well. Whatever it is, I'm definitely not normal, due to stories that I, unlike Savannah, am not brave enough to share publicly.
same. I've always cried easily. My dad used to make fun of me for being a boy and cryng at everything and I remember not wanting to be alive as young as maybe 6. I've never heard anyone else say they felt that, even other people with severe depression. I'm not diagnosed, but I keep hearing symptoms of experiences of people with autism and it just sounds like mine so damn much.
Non Autistic people don't feel like this. I promise. You're no more or less Autistic pre-diagnosis yknow? The assessment can be validating but it's not accessible for everyone and if Autistic coping strategies work for you and you can relate to Autistic people, do it. You deserve to feel seen and accepted, especially here with all of us Autistic/ ND folks too. Dont let anyone shame you for not being formally diagnosed but still relating. That opinion comes from sheer ignorance. I'm in the UK where it's a 3 year waiting list or you can pay over 3k to be seen privately. Autistic specialists, charities, therapists etc know this and so do most autistic people. If you relate, start accommodating using Autistic strategies and see if it helps. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. A diagnosis is there so that one can access the correct support, ❤
i love all of the "video art" stuff you've made over the past few years, but this feels like the most authentic one, where the others felt like more of a designed performance of your ideas. as a fellow autist, i know every time we talk to a camera or mask at all it's a performance, but it's nice anyway to peel a few layers back. this is also really nicely framed, filmed, edited, graded etc. i always feel inspired when you post these but in a different way this time. cheers
This channel of hers really feels like a manifestation of her life as she goes through it, introspecting along the way that just so happens to be on video. I greatly treasure this video and cried when I was reminded I wasn't alone in the things I felt or experienced in my life so far.
I agree 🥰 the videography was beautiful in this and it felt very authentic. I liked how you were speaking kindly to your little self. It's nice to see you in a more forgiving and optimistic headspace. I also loved your cosy home alone- I've been feeling like I want to try living alone too and this made it look so enticing. 💜
I have never related to a video so much in my life. 😂 I got my diagnosis earlier this year -- took the assessment the day after I turned 33, and my diagnosis the week after. "So liberating it breaks my heart" is *so* perfect. Everything, the shame, the social rejection, the unkindness toward the self, the pasting of collected personality traits, the not wanting to be alive, the relief and peace surrounding it -- I'm so glad that you've found this, that I've found this, that so many of us have been given this. That it's possible to figure out what shapes we're meant to be instead of the shapes we forced ourselves into. Thank you for being vulnerable and putting it into words and posting it for all of us to see and feel a little less alone. ❤
I’ve never been officially diagnosed but you’re describing a lot of my experiences. I’m 26 and I also struggle with maintaining longterm friendships and relationships, and feel like I’m only really able to sustain a close connection with like one or two people at a time and sometimes I feel kind of lonely and don’t have that person or two to talk with. It’s like I care so deeply but simultaneously have such a limited capacity of what I can give and who I can give it to. The things that make me happy make me so euphoric and when I find a person who is like me with similar interests, there’s nothing like it and I miss the friends that I used to have at very specific times throughout my life. I don’t know life is just wild and being autistic is a lot sometimes but it’s my reality and it’s like here we are I guess. Super relatable video though
i’m also on the spectrum and honestly if u miss someone, hit them up! try not to overthink it! it’s really helped me a lot and usually it’s fine and i meet up or at least talk to that person! no one’s ever been like “oh ew ur talking to me after so long?” lol! just something to consider :)
Ive been in the same boat most of my life (22). I feel like ive always cared so deeply about those close to me but have the hardest time maintaining those in the long term. Just know youre not alone
“it’s like I care so deeply but simultaneously have such a limited capacity of what I can give and who I can give it to” holy fuck I’m crying. I love you so much for writing that thank you.
Normally seeing videos that seem eerily similar to my own reality bring a great deal of discomfort, but this video actually brought me comfort. Seeing someone formally verbalize such seemingly individual hardships like chronic social idiosyncrasies, having impulses not common with other people, constantly putting on a fully choreographed "performance" to fit in, and feeling like your life never seems to reach a socially acceptable level of normalcy without constant efforts, felt like someone spilled out the contents of my spirit out for all to see. Everything telt like a mirror reflection of my own childhood. Like you I had always considered the possibility of being autistic, but I wrote all the symptoms off as being rebellious, emotional yet disconnected, and introverted. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for telling such a personal story.
I'm not sure I'm autistic, but "being an adult who throws tantrums" is definitely humiliating once people started pointing it out to me, and it actually still takes some time to feel that. Like a year of time. It's like my emotions are fast and slow. Sometimes I'll be put in a rage over a small amount of stuff, and sometimes I'll be able to absorb a huge amount of stress and punishment that I'll relive over and over and cringe at until it's tolerable. Sometimes the memories are so painful that it sends a jolt through my body, or maybe that 's a way to physically manifest the emotional pain and help me come back to the present. It's not terribly difficult for people to screw with me to the point that I'm unable to socialize in any kind of normal adult way. I can also tolerate a lot of mental distress, but I've started learning I shouldn't have to be put through that. Thank you for talking about this, so I can treat the comments section like a mini solo therapy session
Something about your editing style is profoundly comforting and disturbing at the same time. It perfectly encapsulates autism. Autism is a disability, but it can also be a blessing. When we all find each other, and we realize that we are aliens (but we’re aliens together), that otherness melts away. Suddenly, the outside world gets to be the one who’s called weird for once, because we all finally have a home with each other.
I got diagnosed with ADHD at 19 after years of torment and self hatred. I was “annoying”, “weird”, “lazy”. So I accepted it as my identity and often felt I’d be better off un-aliving myself. The diagnosis and treatment helped me learn to appreciate myself more. The idea of mourning a childhood that could have been had I known what was going on resonates with me, thank you❤.
I got diagnosed at 5, but only now as a 21 year old man am I learning just how much my ADHD affect my life, beyond the stereotypes of what people think ADHD is. Something I've found helpful is to read the experiences of others who also have it. It's hysterical, but also kind of spooky how many similarities there are between my life and other ADHD people out there. ADHD is not something that will go away, but all we can do is make do with what we got and to be content with that. Wish you all the best.
Why can't anyone say "kill yourself" anymore 😅 anyway I appreciate your struggle and feel your pain. I myself have tried to commit SUICIDE many times. stay strong 💪
Hi Savannah! I’m a non-autistic person and I’ve always thought that you have an incredibly beautiful mind, an eloquent expression of said mind, and your videos have felt comforting to me on a human level. I will say the contents of this video also didn’t come as a surprise to me, but partly because you seem very aware of social circumstances in a way others might not be. You’ve always come across very emotionally intelligent, and that’s why I tune in. Thanks for every video you’ve made, I’ve enjoyed them immensely. ❤
I identify with many aspects of your experience. I too interpreted how I was feeling my entire life as ME being wrong, a mistake, a misfit, shameful. I haven't ever felt comfortable anywhere (except when I'm alone) . Thank you for sharing your story. It's uncanny that your video came up on my feed, especially now, and how much I identify with your story.
when I was a kid I genuinely wondered if I was in some kind of matrix/simulation thing because I so often felt like everyone around me had this preprogrammed set of behavior & understandings that all meshed together, but I couldn't figure it out. It's a weird feeling to describe because I never felt like I was stuck on the outside of something, I felt stuck on the inside of something. I didn't feel on the outskirts, I felt like the animals behind the glass in zoos, everyone moving around them & coming to see and wave, but not really interacting. I thought I was just broken, and I couldn't figure out why I had such a hard time just trying to be a person I haven't been diagnosed & I don't have the money for an evaluation atm, but honestly my internal experience of life lines up so exactly with so many autistic people's experience in a way I've never had before. The more I learned about it the more I just felt like I was being described by other people's experiences. & just knowing that that's what it probably is has helped me reorganize my life so it's actually suited to *me* & not the default "normal" person I was trying to force myself into being. Thanks for this video, I'm glad you've been able to get a sense of closure & self acceptance
Self awareness. "I Am". Is this all some sort of illusion? A dream? Am I, perhaps, floating off in a space ship somewhere, and all this is a simulation? ...A brain in a jar? ...Though it happened to me in my mid 20's (the fact that you experienced this thought during childhood, to me, is incredible). Perhaps you should look to see if you're an Enneagram 4. This is coming from a 3, however... but no doubt, in my past, I was a heavy 3w4. Due to some "smack you in the face" life-changing events and maturation, the W pendulum swung into my 2; now, more or less, I'm a 3w2, in my early 30s. That said, this is only speculation from a 3 (who's familiar with the Enneagram); that it _sounds_ like, what your discussing here, is in the 4 Enneagram realm. ...Savannah herself, I'd say, is a dead-ringer 4............ 4w5.
“Relearning how to be alive” is so valid 😂😂. Thank you so much for this, I’ve cried so much through this because I now know there’s nothing just “wrong” with me like everyone has made me feel.
as someone awaiting a diagnosis after years of wondering, this is very validating seeing the people I gravitate towards are experiencing the same things
It's official, this is now one of my comfort videos. Your experience resonated so deeply with me that I've started questioning the things I thought I knew about myself. I find myself watching this whenever I'm stressed about my perceived inability to communicate with others, knowing that I am not alone, I'm not the only one with these experiences or feelings. I'm hopefully getting a diagnosis soon :)
"and in that gap between what you actually want and what you think you want is so much straining and shame and unhappiness." I'm not autistic, but I can relate to this so hard as someone who isn't "normal"
Thank you for sharing your journey with such honesty and vulnerability. Your story is incredibly relatable and your bravery in discussing your experiences with autism is truly commendable. Your openness will undoubtedly help others feel less alone and more understood. Wishing you continued growth and peace on your journey.
trying to channel your inner child, their gentleness and carefreeness, before they tucked themselves away hidden out of sight to everyone including themselves is such a difficult but worthwhile endeavor. I'm still early into the journey of reconnecting with her so I'm wishing both you and myself luck on this journey.
as someone who is autistic and has decribed their feelings as "i dont think im autistic i just think im literally not a human being. like im an alien" this is so extremely exciting. love u
Im so fucking happy seeing other people I grew up watching get diagnosed. It genuinely makes me tear up knowing others have experienced what Ive experienced and can relate.
i was diagnosed as a young boy, and definitely being diagnosed young did not make things better, i felt more alienated and weird and i wanted to be normal to the point of trying to deny the problem but had no idea how. i still struggle to admit that i am autistic, and i usually dont tell people ever. even posting this makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.
Same, being told there is something wrong or just different about you compared to most of your peers at a young age is a hell of a thing, especially when you don't have agency over whether they know in advance or not. I think there is a lot of shared sadness and confusion on either side of the "when you got diagnosed" coin, I'm honestly not sure if I'm comforted or deeply saddened that so many have experienced the same things to the point that I just see myself in most of the video and comments. I learnt to play the game, do well and be liked. I got independent, got married and got a house. I'm also three years into therapy because my hypervigilence, near constant masking and drive to overcome burned me out and contributed to my degredation in health following nearly dying in 2020 to Pneumonia. In the last year I've learned to accept that my Autism isn't my fault or something to overcome, it's just how I get to experience the world whether I like it or not. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to embrace it and talk about it frankly to people.
I also was diagnosed in my childhood. As you can imagine, I also felt diferent, alienated, as you said. I remember wondering why was I weird. I don't know when or how, but slowly I started to change my point of view about that "weirdness". I started to learn more about myself and I realized that, while I had problems that anyone else had, I also had good qualities that other people didn't. Being diferent is not being worse. It's just being yourself. If you don't like something about you you can try to change it, not because others don't like you but because you have the power to become better, always being yourself. Actually I'm starting to tell people that I'm authistic. A few months ago I didn't felt confortable, because I thought they could think things that are not true about me. But... I'm like I am. To people who really know me it will not change amything, because they already know me. And to people who are starting to know me, maybe being honest with them makes them feel good because I trust them. Nevertheless, you have the right to choose what want to tell others. I don't think its actually important to tell someone that you're authistic. It's just a thing you can do if makes you feel better. The heart of the matter is that you feel confortable with your self. You are weird? Fine, so weirdness is cool because you're cool. That's it.
this was beautiful, I got diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago, and that feeling of closure is genuinely the best. For so long I thought I was the issue but now I realise I just have an issue.
01:28 🧩 Savannah Brown was diagnosed with autism at age 26, which brought a mix of emotions including sadness, closure, and a sense of moving on from longstanding challenges. 03:19 🦕 As a child, Savannah exhibited signs of autism, such as sensitivity, emotional tendencies, food pickiness, and a preference for solitary activities. These traits were often misunderstood by peers and adults. 06:23 ⛪️ Savannah's family and social environment attributed her autistic traits to bad behavior, which, combined with a sense of social rejection, led to a belief that she needed to suppress her true self to fit in. 09:50 🌟 Savannah finds relief in her autism diagnosis, as it explains past experiences and provides a sense of belonging. She acknowledges the complexities of early diagnosis and support systems. 13:14 😔 Savannah experiences meltdowns triggered by high-intensity emotional situations, a common phenomenon for autistic individuals. Acceptance and understanding of this aspect of herself have been important for her well-being. 16:20 📚 Being alone has allowed Savannah to reflect on her unique experiences and embrace activities that bring her joy. She's learning to remove shame from sensory activities and use them as self-regulatory tools. 20:11 ❤️ Savannah's diagnosis has helped those around her better understand her, fostering deeper connections. She expresses gratitude for the positive impact it's had on her life. 21:36 🌧️ Savannah empathizes with others who may have struggled similarly due to undiagnosed autism. She hopes that sharing her experience brings comfort and understanding to those who may relate.
what you said about going to school and performing, then doing a different performance at home really dug deep. i did a lot of theatre as a kid and i described why i liked it as "they finally handed me a script." the amount of relief i felt being told exactly what to say was addicting. i found myself constantly looking for a script. i had this idea as a kid that everyone around me had a script at all times and just refused to show me. at all times i was either trying to get someone to go off script or i tried to play my role without anyone noticing. i found acting easy because i was always doing it, always trying to find the script so when i was handed one it took boulders off my shoulder. eventually, i realized this relationship was not healthy and i stopped acting. i now know a lot of people who had this similar experience and know that a lot of people have that same fear that they will be outed as someone without a script. i found that letting go of that anxiety is challenging but rewarding. i've always gotten this warm feeling from your videos. your anxiety-ridden ramblings felt like someone was finally saying what i've been thinking the whole time. it is a similar feeling i get when i watch bo burnham or midnight gospel. it is a pleasant break from the usual noise of the internet that is often associated with the anxiety that comes from that same noise.
When I read your sentence "they finally handed me a script.", I had immediate body reaction like this truly resonates with me because a few years ago, I started performing as a drag artist, and I remember loving it so much at first because of the same thing. This "scrip" idea. I remember telling someone "Well, you see in life situations get trown at you and you can never rehearse. But here, I can plan everything, and I know eveyone will look at me at a precise time, and precise place for about 6 minutes! It's like you have all this time to prepare your moment!"... :')
the "problem" wasnt that you cant fit in with others but that you think you should fit in.. its easy to guess who made u think that..from it, it all stems
Always had a similar feeling, that everyone else had gotten "the script" to conversations and I was stuck trying to do shitty improv to keep up or try to predict conversations I knew I would have before they happened, exploring conversations and where they could go so I could plan out responses to different reactions. I ended up in theatre for a while too and felt that comfort in feeling like I finally knew what to say. I can remember one specific memory where someone during a rehearsal made the casual remark that I sounded like I always was speaking from a script, and felt seen in a way that made me want to hide. I still work on letting go of that anxiety, but I feel that progress growing, and appreciate seeing that experience shared by someone else.
I have always been crazy obsessed with finding the "reality" of people, believing, perhaps falsely, that everyone wears a mask to some degree, and so you saying that you always found yourself trying to make people go off-script shook me in a way that earthquakes could never.
when you described the experience of your childhood I felt chills down my spine. everything you said resonates so deeply with me, all your art has resonated so deeply with me that now it seems like me being autistic is something staring me in the eye and there is no looking away now. I've been pushing this idea away as I'm fairly well adapted and "high-functioning" but I guess maybe now is the time to look into a diagnosis...sending you lots of love
the way you express how deeply you experience things is so relatable and you put it into words in ways i struggle to. so beautiful thank you for sharing yourself and your perspective 🫶
I just wanted to say that this is a work of art. For many reasons. The time and effort that must have gone into this are not lost on me. The lighting and music really drive the tone home. I really felt this. In not sure what else to say but, thank you.
I relate to this video on a cosmic level "Contourting yourself into a shape you could have never possibly fit and doing it in silence as to not inconveniance others with our suffering." Listening to that was powerful. Anyway, you've inspired me to finally get diagnosed, eventually
Almost everything here is so relatable. I basically wear a mask 90% of the time, the only one I am truly myself to is my boyfriend who is most likely autistic too. It is all just exhausting, and I am glad you are able to talk about it in this way
I also mask when around others. You are lucky to be able to maintain a serious relationship as I’ve never been able to do that. Not sure if it’s due to lack of desire or lack of energy
16:11 is such a profound vibe, Savannah. I relate to it a lot as someone diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I too am moved to tears by the incredible miracle that is simply being here, experiencing life. It filled me with joy to see that you are doing very well. I hope you still are!
i resonate with this a lot, i was diagnosed at 17, really glad the diagnosis is helping you. it feels like for the rest of my life little things will pop up and im like "oh shit yeah thats the autism" , it doesnt really stop so thats fun
This had me laughing, crying, feeling SEEN. Crazy that our community struggles with feeling alone or like aliens but there’s millions of us that understand and share similar stories, pros, and cons! 💜 Please be my friend. 😅
I've re-watched this video countless times because while our lives have been very different and we are two entirely different people who will never meet, hearing your story gave me closure with mine. If I could show one youtube video to myself from 5 years back it'd be this one. Turns out I'm not an alien either.
Hey, me too! Looking forward to this one. I didn’t know I was autistic until I was just shy of 20 years old. Despite the fact that I was diagnosed when I was 4 and was just, like, never told. That feeling of “I don’t belong and I don’t know why” crushed me for so long.
I knew it when i was 45 ... What a waste of time seriously. Fortunately , i managed myself to cure it , and now as i am 53 , i'm fine ! But what a waste of time , no real life , no relationships with women , nothing ... A waste of time i said... :/ But now i' m a alien , this is cool and i'm proud of it ! :) ^^
@@netshaman9918 I'm so glad to hear you are proud and feeling better about yourself. But pls don't say u were 'cured' bc being autistic can't b cured! You can obviously learn more about your autism and the coping mechanisms and support systems that can help you immensely, but autism will always be an aspect of you/of us autistic people edit: minor typo
@docdapper Omg, that must’ve been a different additional kind of mourning you went through, having the diagnosis actively withheld from you :( Glad you’re here now, and (knowingly) diagnosed :)
My father told the doctor, to quote what my mom said he said " MY SON AIN'T NO RETARD" and then he proceeded to call me one and yell whenever I messed up. He knew for 12 years that I was autistic, yet still proceeded to hurt me because of that. My parents divorced when I was young, so my mom had no medical rights for her to help me. The only way I was able to avoid a little bit of what she felt was because of my mom making sure I knew. Looking back on it, I would say my dad tends to abuse people in his households, he just was able to find someone who would fight back and put up with his shit. If I could go back in time, I would make sure that I would of ended up living with my mom.
Savannah, this video touched me deeply. Your story is incredibly similar to mine. It made me cry, which doesn't happen often. It is relieving in a sense to know that other people also carry this weight of living most of their young life completely in shadow, bewildered and confused. Luckily enough for us, as soon as light is shed upon our inner workings, our lives become increasingly filled with more joy and we finally get our fair shot at becoming happy. It took me six years to process all the layers of my undiagnosed childhood, but now I'm finally home within myself. I am happy and fulfilled. I wish for you the same. And I hope you will find out sometime soon that this connection that you have been missing all this time, can be found, with other neurodivergent individuals. Just in the same way as you feel joyful things so deeply and vividly, connection between neurodivergent people is deeper and more profound than anything I have ever encountered. It feels spiritual, even. Thank you Savannah, I'm sending all my love to you.
5:00 I had my non autistic friend who I would watch interact with the females at my job. One girl he would make fun of her and she was a train wreck so it was so easy. She would laugh and laugh and laugh and so one day I tried the same tactic and she snapped. next thing you know I was in the managers office signing letter 2 where its a 3 strikes and your OUT deal!
Hi Savannah, I got diagnosed with autism at 26, the same as you. I loved this video. My mother told me not to tell everyone when I got my diagnosis. But I told everyone and made it public because I realised it’s part of who I am. It’s amazing to see you doing that too and being open about it. It’s been almost two years since my diagnosis and I’ve discovered a lot of ways to help myself including headphones, extra rest, immersing myself in my special interests, not feeling guilty about safe foods ect, I hope you find more things that help you feel comfortable, best of luck to you (your cat is adorable btw) x
Worst thing for me is trouble getting friends or getting a girlfriend. Feeling isolated and extremely lonely is the worst kind of pain. Living in constant emotional pain is almost unbearable. Funny thing is that i didn't start having problems until my mid teens, when i got completely depressed because too many bad things happened that i couldn't deal with. Always cherish your friends and current/past relationships.
i suggest reading into autistic burnout, which is different from regular burnout. its usually often in tandem with depression (or has similar symptoms) and is often us not being able to fufill our needs appropriately and thus. well. burning out.
Or you get to a point where you kinda just accept that you will die alone, because I have come to peace with it. This world ain't for me, and that is ok. I got my friend group. They are only a handful, but I trust them. Sadly adult life have made it harder for us to meet I got my hobbies to put time into. People and the big social game burn me out real quick most of the time, so I mostly do not bother. Oh, also try to find social groups for people with Autism. I know some organisations organise social groups for people with Autism and I am in one myself. Being able to chat with people you can share experiences with and discuss helps a lot. To me, something just clicks, almost as if we are born with a different set of social cues.
Have you taken steps to make yourself desirable to women or are you one of the ones who hangs out with other dudes in the same position online who just complain and blame women for not liking them? It's never been easier haha. A few months ago in a restaurant I watched a guy go from complete loser who everyone disliked to having these waitresses talking about how hot he was LITERALLY because they saw him do 30 push ups. Listen to me. You can figure it out with some effort in yourself.
I recently got diagnosed as well, and I found myself just nodding along to this whole video like I was at a rock concert. From the sense of relief and closure, to the sadness and regret over the life I "could" have had. But, under it all, for me, there's also been this real sense of finding a new friend; realizing this core part of myself that's been there with me forever, but who I've only just now gotten a chance to get to know. Thanks for this video, I found it really cathartic, warm, and comfy
As a fellow alien, this is just so good. I don’t relate to everything in this video, not every alien is the same, but I feel like this is just so endlessly relatable. Keep on being you, so the rest of us aliens can see you and keep on being us.
It’s very interesting to me the parallels of similar experiences we have. I used to watch your poetry videos in highschool and connected with you about the experiences you shared about your past eating disorder, anxiety, depression, etc. Now, damn near a decade later, you are sharing the road to your autism diagnosis and the things you struggled with undiagnosed, and similarly over the last couple years I’ve discovered I’m neurodivergent and reframed a large portion of my childhood, habits, and behaviors I tend to exhibit. I’ve also been considering getting a formal diagnosis. Just wanted to share that even though I’ve never met you, and that this video is about a year old, I have connected with the things you’ve shared over the years 💖
What's crazy to me is that these autistic traits are so visible from the outsider's perspective, so I'm impressed that we scoot on by without being plucked out. I guess it's played off as a child being a child but as we become more and more aware of these "oddities" that they become more and more obvious. What's most interesting that develops from this is the isolation and us becoming more self-sustaining because of our very obvious differences from others. I've noticed that a lot from late diagnosed "high functioning" autistics. Off-topic but something that annoys me is when parents hide the fact that their child is autistic and expect them to overcome it on their own, I've also seen that happen quite a lot.
All the people I've followed for years are getting diagnosed with a case of the 'tism. Feels like we've all found each other on some niche part of the internet and used each other as comfort and reasurance... I think it's nice to realize that
21:14 that part..... made me cry. doing it quietly to not inconvenience anyone with their suffering. i really do relate to basically every thing in this video...
it is so healing to know why you are the way you are. i got diagnosed at 16, it was a very hard couple of years but im slowly starting to learn theres nothing to be ashamed of :)) I wish you the best, this video really hit home.
While we don't align on every symptom, the *experience* of growing up autistic is similar despite, and you do an amazing job of describing it. The sense of difference and the disconnect that forms because of that, the loneliness, the pain and depression, the nightmare that school was. I just wish that learning and better understanding who and what I am had allowed me to find relief and happiness the way it has for you. I wish I wasn't still haunted by the conditioned sense of being bad/wrong for being weird, and the continual pressure of feeling like you're always the one to blame for not somehow trying harder. I wish I wasn't still trapped in the depression I've carried with me since that childhood. I wish that, those times I refer to myself as a freak, that I *wasn't* using it in the negative context. But I'm glad that there are some of us who society didn't manage to beat down, who were able to find happiness at the end of it all. I hope you're able to continue finding that happiness, and that maybe there will be others who will see that and be able to do the same.
I hear you. Growing up I felt that sense of strangeness and I was able to learn early how to mask. Plus I was athletic and hood at sports(and girls liked me) but even with these positives I still felt that strong sense of detachment and weirdness. I never understood why socializing and being around others was so exhausting or why I never enjoyed it like others. I also realized dating and serious relationships were just not In the cards either but I just didn’t know why or what was causing the dysfunction. Over the years I’ve developed a sense of who I am but this has me almost more confused at times .
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE DIAGNOSIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am a stranger on the internet as we all are but I just got diagnosed last winter at 20yo. It is so big and emotional and beautiful to be able to see myself as a person who is a freaky little autistic weirdo instead of an alien :,) . Thank you for putting your thoughts and experiences out into the world. I related to so so so much of this video as I'm sure so many other people did. sending virtual love and peace
@@savbrown Why are yall congatulating each other on the diagnosis of your mental disability? It's not a special power nor an achievement. It's a disability. No hate, it's just weird to do this. You wouldn't congratulate a person on their diagnosis with OCD or ADHD either.
It’s not about congratulating on having a mental illness, it’s about congratulating on feeling courageously as a proper ability, wondering and seeking to find their own truth and comfort. The congratulations are meant to transfer the energy of a hug at the beginning of a long self discovery road.
@@totaempeople like us have lived our entire lives knowing something is different about us but never had a name for it. many of us have been ridiculed & bullied & treated as though we’re monsters to the point that we internalize these thoughts. to finally have a name for it, to finally know that there’s nothing wrong with us, that our brains are simply wired differently, is absolutely something to celebrate. we were already “disabled” ( it’s a debate in autistic communities whether asd is a disability on its own) now we simply have a name for it and that is a beautiful, cathartic experience.
Thanks for this amazing dive into your mind, Savannah. I think I am a 22 year old with the -ism, and really resonated with your childhood experiences. It really shows me that there are many people who go through the same struggles that I went through and warms my heart. P.S. I too was a guy who took it upon himself to copy others, even down to how they walked. I thought of myself as a robot trying so hard to be what I thought was human. Not anymore!
Man, I'm thankful for going to a school where everyone had autism or related diagnoses. (it was pretty decent special ed, I had a lot of access to books, which I completely destroyed). I've always felt normal people were the aliens. Like, super-unaware of their surroundings, their own feelings, not able to face their own emotions, that somehow being my fault for noticing and point that out (which made me shy for a very long time). Meanwhile I basically went through feelings-bootcamp since I was 7. Watching a kid going through a complete meltdown in your class pick up chairs and tables and launching them through windows really changes your perspective on life (Also, everyone in my class thought that was kinda awesome because he basically stood up to not being taken seriously by a teacher, which is also something that happened to me. So good on that guy. I've heard he's a peach these days). Little side note: There was a teacher in that school that mentally and physically abused kids, then basically blame it on the kids. It happened to me too. It took WAY too long until he was found and I'm not sure if he ever faced punishment. The thing is that something like this also happened at a completely different regular school to at least two of my brothers.
I got an ASD diagnosis last year at 25. I remember watching your videos in high school and feeling this strange kinship I couldn't explain. When I saw your video "forming real human connections" I remember thinking, "finally someone who gets it!" I also went into my ASD assessment thinking it was obvious and then I had a breakdown with i got the diagnosis lol. However, so much more makes sense. Best wishes!
I can very much relate to the feeling of relief when I got diagnosed at 24 (for ADHD) as it's good to feel acknowledged that you actually have a problem. I also know the feeling of sadness if you think "how much better could things have been if I had been diagnosed earlier". Innuendo Studios did a podcast with Magdalena Rose talking about ADHD, and one of the most poignant things they pointed out there is that you'd also have to mourn this imagined "normal" version of yourself, which never really existed and I'd never grow into.
As someone who grew up with autism, I can fully relate. Growing up with autism sucked, school sucked for me the most. But I always wanted to go to college for some reason, and started to go to trade school. Ended up finding something I'm really good at, and honestly really enjoy.
I did really well in school too. My parents kept my report cards from my younger years; straight A's for years, from one class to the next. I was really hyper-fixated on proving myself worthy. I really believed that if I did my best, I would be accepted and to extent, I was but it still wasn't what I really needed.
When I was young I would always get left behind, I didn’t understand why my brothers and sisters always went off without me. I remember being profoundly lonely and not really understanding what was going on or what I was doing wrong. Your story resonates so deeply with me. 😢🙏🏽
Having aspergers myself this is so relateable honestly, Glad you got diagnosed so you know it isnt just you being goofy or whatever. I remeber when i got diagnosed i got the feeling i finaly knew why i am the way i am. anyways thank you for sharing your stories, i really enjoy listening to them!
This makes me understand why I resonated with you so much growing up, I’ve watched you for years and wasn’t diagnosed with autism until I was 20, I think there’s something beautiful about how autistic people find each other without even knowing the other person is also autistic ❤
the point of shamata (perfect concentration) is to rapidly go beyond being human its nothing special or new, except you get to be immune to anxiety etc once you reach it.
i think it’s so interesting how autistic people are naturally drawn together. similar to you, i was raised catholic in the midwest without a diagnosis and spent my whole life feeling like an alien. your channel was always a place i found refuge. when i first started watching your videos years and years ago, it was because i loved poetry. now knowing we’re both autistic, it’s funny to look back and think that perhaps there was a reason your poems always stuck out to me!
As a person with ADHD who was diagnosed as a child but never told, your videos over the years have always offered me a unique sense of comfort. Thank you so much for sharing this, it resonated deeply with me.
Hearing you talk about your childhood and how you felt you had to suppress your behaviors and feelings to be considered a “good kid” reminded me of my little brother. I don’t know if he has some kind of neurodivergence or if he just has a hard time regulating his emotions and behavior (which is honestly typical for any young person, being alive is hard), but he’s voiced the same sentiment of feeling like he’s fundamentally a bad child. He and I are part of a large family with a lot of children, so any disruption or unpredictability can be met with frustration. Our family is not abusive by any means, it’s just that raising a lot of children can be really stressful and a child that misbehaves often or causes commotion can catch a lot of flack. Regardless of what’s going on with my brother, I can be there for him and ensure that he feels loved and accepted for who he is. Thank you so much for making this video. I’m not sure if I’m neurodivergent myself (currently leaning towards no), but I think you have improved the lives of neurodivergent people everywhere just by bringing this video into existence. Your account of your experiences is deeply moving and watching it has brought me closer to tears than anything else for the past several weeks. Please continue living and enjoying your life 💛💛💛
what you were saying about allowing your autistic accommodations without feeling shame really hits home for me- I like to have my curtains closed during the day because the Light is Too Bright and before I used to think “ugh this is so lazy and bad and hermity” but now I do it and I think “the Light is Too Bright and my brain doesn’t like it so let’s make my brain happy instead of doing what I think I should!!” genuinely this kind of reframing my habits as accommodations instead of personal shortfalls is probably the most helpful thing I got from my diagnosis and I’m so happy you feel similar!! also this video was absolutely stunning and I wanted to compliment the obvious amount of time and effort that went into it because it’s so beautiful 💖
Long Comment: I stumbled upon your video completely by accident, but must tell you that I found it very moving. It was both sincere and openly human. I'm so happy to hear that you're living happily and that this diagnosis has given you a firmer sense of control over your life. But the important thing to remember is that you are not a person who has "something" (call it a disability or a disorder or what-have-you), you simply are a person who is a certain way, free to live your life however you prefer. And I'm not talking out of my ass here, I'm a little older than you and lived my whole life without knowing I was autistic. And although I never comment on youtube videos, and certainly never hazard to offer advice where it is not asked for, I would like to share a few things with you in the off chance they're helpful. First thing, if you learn how to relax your body, it will greatly relax your mind, espeically if you're feeling overstimulated. A great way to do this at home is simply lie on the floor with your arms out and focus on relaxing your all muscles, most importantly your face. If your learn to relax your face, everything else will pretty much follow suit. It doesn't matter what thoughts run through you mind, let them be there, let them pass. Thoughts aren't real, they don't matter, so there's no need to suffer them, even if you feel you should. If you chase one, that's fine. Just bring your attention back to your face and your body. It should feel like your face and body are melting into the floor. Do this for about twenty minutes, and you'll be amazed how refreshed you feel. Use noise-cancleing headphones if it helps. If you learn to relax your body in social situations, it goes a long way in preventing exhaustion later on. Next thing; diet. Now this is a confusing one for most Americans, who tend to look at foods as either good or bad. But this isn't how it is. All foods (and when I say foods, I mean natural foods) have specific propeties that are going to affect your body, your energy levels, your mind and your emotions. Obviously, stimulants and depresents like caffine, processed sugar and alchohol are going to take a greater toll on people like us, so keep that in mind. Outside of that, I recomend you look into Ayurveda. Just google/youtube it. Being an eastern perspective on health (Ayurveda literally translates to "Life Science"), it may seem a little confusing at first glance, but trust me, its actually quite a simple and extremely comprehensive guide to finding balance. Not a one-size-fits-all approach, but a what-are-the-needs-of-the-indvidual approach. If you're anything like me, you'll fixate on it for a few weeks and learn everything you need to know. Relationships; and this goes for all relationships (platonic, familial, romantic, etc). And this is obvious, but it is worth saying. On the whole, relationships should benefit our lives, not burden them. It's okay to let them go if you don't like them. There's no rule that says you have to have them. That being said, relationships should always be symbiotic, a give and take. It's not about you serving someone, or someone serving you. So don't be afraid to be clear about your needs and your nature, so long as you're accepting of the other person's. If this arrangement is mutually beneficial, great. If not, no hard feelings, let it go. Honesty and openess are the key. You shouldn't have to mask for your freinds. Don't pertend your not weird. We're all weird. Life is about imperfect people loving eachother. If they're cool with you the way you are and you're cool with them, they're the freinds for you. If not, who needs them. But if you're up front about how much social stuff you can comfortably do, most people are cool with that and won't hold it against you. So there's no need to pretend that you aren't the way you are. Also, remember, everyone's dealing with their own private struggles. It's not just you. It's all of us. Recognize that and you'll be easier on yourself. Last few things. You're coming into your late twenties, which is a time when your body changes a bit and your lifestyle catches up with you. You may experience some extreme feelings like depression or anxiety or something like that, but don't worry about it. Focus on your physical health, and you'll be fine. It may be especially hard for you, given your sensitive nature, but don't fall prey to it. Remember, your mind and your body aren’t you. They are things that you have. Just because they don’t always work the way you want them to doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Like everything else in this cosmos, you're a brilliant piece of life, no higher or lower than any other. But the one thing that makes us different from all other life on this planet, is we can choose how we live, and no one way is the correct way for all. So live how you want. Whatever your kinks are, whatever comforts are, so long as you're not hurting others, it's cool. Don't sweat it. And if you ever have trouble accepting yourself, here's the trick, focus on accepting others as they are, and all your stuff will just kind of evaporate on its own. Or you can actively change to be the way you want. Whatever works for you. Either way, I truly wish you well. I know you'll find your way. Take care of yourself. -Edward William Polley
"It was just me and this difference for which I had no name. That's pretty heavy for a child." God damnit, Savannah. Get out of my head. Actually. Don't. I've spent too long thinking I'm alone lol. I wonder if anyone else can relate to this: I also realize, now three years sober from alcohol, that I drank to feel socially accepted while out with others because of autism. To get past that invisible forcefield and feel FINE for once around others. Like I could operate like a real human. Not constantly be judging myself for how I'm coming across or moving or what face I'm making or being too afraid to talk . So I could not constantly hear the horrible narration in my head. So I could just shut it all off and seem ..normal. Anyone? lol
Yeah I used to drink at parties just to be able to talk to others especially women. The moment I got in my current long term relationship I pretty much stopped drinking. The thing that ruined it for me was when my jock coworker invited me to a party with bunch of frat guys and sorority girls. I am a super awkward nerd. I felt so out of place that I drank until I blacked out and felt uncomfortable drinking ever since and then I met my gf. I feel no need to drink now and neither does she. I also really identify with Savannah saying she just didn't want to be alive as a kid. I've never heard anyone else say that before. I remember that feeling and my parents have said I said that to them several times and I cried super easily, which was extra hard as a boy with a toxic male dad.
@@Zectifin I'm so happy to hear that the hunger for the drink is no longer there, and that you're in a healthy relationship! you deserve that peace. thank you for sharing this with me! and yes, my parents just thought I was super emotional/sensitive/a worrier. I felt so othered, I would have rather not existed. I remember begging to be homeschooled because I could not take the social aspect of school. I hope that you know that it's okay to cry and that you have a safe space to unload! Wishing you continued recovery and happiness.
HUGELY relate, my god. i still find it so hard to be in any social situation without alcohol tbh. it’s become an unhealthy crutch/coping mechanism for sure.
Yep, as soon as I accepted myself for what I am. I stopped drinking to make others feel better about me. It's crazy that you're putting alcohol in your own body to effect the moods of others around you.
I absolutely love this video, the opening, the music, the whimsical/dreamy look to all of it, top tier. paired with a script that made me tear up (not easy), not even 5 minutes in, and I know I've found someone that I would like to follow. I hope the best for you. whatever you choose to put out, I'll be happy to watch.
Similarly to you, I grew up in a hyper-religious, conservative environment alongside an autistic brother more severely impacted by autism. I was diagnosed at 25 and felt all of the emotions parallel to what you described. Since I've been more vocal about it, my friends embrace it as part of what makes me who I am. There's nothing "wrong" with me, and at times comes with its advantages! Thank you so much for sharing your experience!!
Your videos have this intimate sitting after midnight kind of vibe I like a lot. I am living in constant rush but whenever I watch your videos, time suddenly slows down. It is like having a 20-minutes of weekend in the middle of the week.
Thank you for your testimonial. In almost every instance, hearing your account was like going over mine own youth. I was only diagnosed with asperger's on my 40th birthday and, although a bit late in life, it did help make sense of the world. Thank you for helping me feel a little less alone.
You worded this phenomenon of structuring life based on what you’ve learned is “supposed to be” and feeling so incredibly out of tune to everyone else beautifully. Thank you for helping me feel less alone as a recently diagnosed 20 something as well :)
As an alien, the feeling of estrangement I have around humans crushes me to no end.
I understand your feelings. As a human i am also usually confused by my own species. Do you have any questions or suggestions for us??
@@tehr6809 Innumerous
As a half-human half-alien, you need to accept that some (maybe most) people aren't worth becoming acquainted with. Mediocrity abounds, and nobody is much of an exception. Practice being cool with estrangement. Work hard, save money, build character, find principles that speak strongly to you, recognize those principles in other people and admire them from a respectful distance. Analyze everything... break ideas apart in your mind, tinker with the pieces and put them back together in 100 different ways. Become sincere, curious, rational, and you will be able to gaze deeply and widely, constantly (nearly subconsciously) developing new perspective. It's exhausting but it will strengthen your mind and spirit. Remember, don't forget: our minds are both tool and weapon; both clay and fire.
@@ShadowFireXX Elaboration, please
its just called being human. If more humans pushed towards embracing their uniqueness; you'd see everyone is an "alien"
You ever listen to someone's story and gradually start crying as you realize that you're not just listening to another person but to a voice that could've been yours
yeah, me too
100%. Listening to Savannah feels like discovering a kindred spirit, someone who understands you to your core, your soul and finding comfort that someone else understands. 19:23 19:24
Yup. I'm late diagnosed (40 now, only diagnosed about 5 years ago) and I feel like I'm listening to my life story
💯💯💯
@I_Love_My_Little_Willy edgy
The line about one's darkest secrets turning out to be well-known diagnostic criteria absolutely killed me. The lightening of the overwhelming shame for those characteristics that I have carried with me for years is the highlight of my adult existence.
"Putting on a play for 8 hours a day" is so damn relatable. It's so wild to me that people get to go through life without having to struggle to *act normal* all the time. Like you said, it's exhausting. Merely just existing.
Wait you mean to tell me there are people who don't struggle to act normal, how did you manage to see them without their mask in order to know, especially if they wear it while they sleep. By what she described there are no people who don't have autism, even the school musical lookalikes struggle to fit in, get bullied, or get to be lost in thought. But just like drinking, you get thought by your peers how to like being fake extrovert. The worst part is society shaming people for being normal, conscious little beings at an earlier age, i need to applaud her for being normal while not near "normal people" (i've seen worse from "normal" people it's just that the norm is not normal, no one is perfectly normal)
Yeah I remember the feeling of “acting” in high school and I distinctly remember how tired I’d feel every day after I got home. Then I entered the work force and it was even harder to act as sometimes it was 10 hours a day . I mask constantly when around others. Not fun
I'll take that as a spoiler. I recently started trying to socialize, and I don't know what to call masking because I feel like I'm trying something I haven't tried before. I was raised by proud nerds, and there was no pressure for me to socialize at all. I want to hope I'll be able to socialize properly a good 6 hours a day 4 days a week as time goes on.
i literally don't even realize i'm doing it anymore. my mask has become permanently fused to my face lmao. only really comes off when i am completely and entirely alone.
I could never be another brick on the wall. At the beginning I felt excluded from the wall, then I realized that being outside allows me to see the whold picture of the wall.
"Sometimes one's darkest secrets are just common, well-documented symptoms." This was the same experience I had when I realized as an adult that I was autistic. My whole life I was confused by what made me "weird," (because I made sense to myself) but once I learned about autism it cleared things up.
Isn't that scary by the way? As in, how's that any better. There has to be an explanation. I feel the same way by the way
it helps connect with like-minded
@@theodorealenas3171 A problem well stated is a problem half solved. At the point that one learns that they are not, in fact, the only person on the planet to experience these things, some new opportunities open up, armed with that awareness:
1. Now that one knows that they are not alone in their experiences, they can seek connection with others who are harboring these "dark secrets".
2. Through either those connections, or through documentation, one can seek answers/solve their own problems through the learned experiences of others, rather than having to rediscover all of the answers themselves. Oftentimes, if there's a pattern to the problem, there is a pattern to the solution.
Everyone is different so this is a bit of a generalization, but understanding this can be very empowering.
@@theodorealenas3171 I think a lot of social norms are still conscious thoughts by neurotypical people. I feel like if it was completely subconscious they wouldn't get so offended when an autistic person behaves abnormally. I think about how most of the time when you have a cringe reaction it's because you see a piece of yourself in whatever the cringe is, so I would assume it is the same reaction when a neurotypical person gets offended at an autistic person for stimmin' and shit.
I'm "bipolar", "ADHD", and possibly "BPD". No matter what meds I take, or therapy I try, I'll probably always "feel things" more or "differently" than most "people"... I've always felt like either "I don't get it" or "they don't get it"... Thank you All who are bold & brave enough to share your best & true self with the rest of us
the difference will never be the issue. it's their reaction that is
Phycyatry is actually concidering bpd may actually just be unregulated trumatized autisum i was misdignosed bpd when i was dignosed adhd at 8 by 18 i had bpd put on me over medcated with phyc meds all my 20s in sensory oveload and burnout faught with drs now there agreeing its not bpd i was an unregulated autistic with the adhd and the unregulate autisum looked like what they thought was bpd this is whats confuseing Phycyatry
Maybe being normal is wrong. I mean, my Former friend who pretended to be Jesus and didnt give a Damm about anything lived happy life. He even dressed up as him and read the Bibel. My Stearn faced english teacher laughed, and while she was fair, she usually was very serious
I told my friends once that my least favorite part of autism by far is how I have to think and feel everything so damn hard, all the time. Like, I'm not able to have moderate levels of thoughts and emotions, everything is amplified whether I like it or not, and it's exhausting! I also think that's a big factor in why a lot of us have drug problems, because for me at least, a mental break from everything being too much is the best feeling ever.
Thats what I thought I had before I found out it was Autism and ADHD, u should look into it.
My son is in the spectrum with intellectual disability. He is 18. Last year he confessed that he thinks everyone wants him to go away because they hate him. The social rejection and isolation are painful. I am sorry you had that too.
How many vaccines was he given as a child?
@Empathy4Animals411 literally nothing to do with vaccines
People are intolerant and fearful of whatever different from them. Also they often take weird facial expressions as an insult or being mocked at. When you just can't control them.
Vaccines don't cause autism. It appeared in children far before vaccines were a thing.@@Empathy4Animals411
@@Empathy4Animals411 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡
Super validating! When I was a young kid I literally would say to myself “there’s something wrong with me. I’m not supposed to be here” I felt there was an invisible social barrier my mind couldn’t process
I know how that feels! I’ve always felt like that and I still do sometimes and I’m 25.. is it a symptom or something? idk just I’ve always been asking myself “what’s my purpose” “why am I here” “what’s wrong with me” ect I think I was 5 or 6 when I first started thinking Like that
I always felt that there was a class I missed that everyone else had taken to learn how to do normal people things, and also remember convincing myself that before I was born everyone got together to plan how to make me sad as much as possible. Nice to know that’s not the case!
@@InfiniteCookie3-jo2bbI had it pretty strongly at times in my life. In my late teens and early 20s I’d get strong doses of it .. I’ve never felt like a normally
Motivated and enthusiastic person . I just always checked it off to “depression” but I knew there was something else going on . I didn’t come to realize it was autism
Until my late 30s. All of my relationships are a result of “masking”..
@@brianmeen2158 yeah that’s how I’ve felt.. the bullying at school didn’t help either it gave me unreal amounts of anxiety and made me wanna stay home and be in my comfort zone with my mum.. the doctors said I have anxiety and depression. but my mum did try to get help when I was about that age having those thoughts because I was also hyperactive asf but shy and timid and she thought I had adhd maybe but they said I was just being a normal kid so I have no idea at this point 😅 still questioning myself with the same thoughts till this day if I’m honest
You’re totally normal. And so is she.
"I couldn't find the right words to endear myself to people." 😢 That hit me a little too hard... Thank you for stating that so perfectly.
"It's like the population of a small country have been trying to contort themselves into a shape that they never could have possibly made, and they're doing it quietly, so as not to to inconvenience anyone with their suffering. Certain it's their fault for not understanding. Feeling like there's some distinct lack in them that could be repaired if only they tried harder."
this really sort of sums it up perfectly. Thank you for sharing your journey.
yeah, it made me think about how apparently ~20% of the population have a neurodivergence diagnosis, in spite of the fact loads of people can't access diagnosis and loads more don't want a diagnosis.
if you add us all together we might make up a majority of people but we all feel like freaks because neurotypical people all think alike. Those with a consensus on how a mind 'should' work and what sensory experience 'should' be like are the ones who shape societal structures.
Then those of us with a wide variety of minds and sensory experiences are pathologized for not coping.
Makes you question,how many more people are made to fit in a mold rhey arent, they just are easier to mold in?
Honestly the woeld should ve for people in general not the other way round.
Setiouslyalotofpeople,j6st have a higher tolerance.
I mean everyone would profit from being more inclusive andnot rigid.
I get the diagnosis thing thou,if you function somehow okish,its a stigma too. And hard to acess usually.
@@marocat4749holy shit I’ve never related to a quote more in my life.
that part honestly gave me chills. I would never un a million years could find better words to describe it
@@LordVader1094 the National Institute of Health: dceg.cancer.gov/about/diversity-inclusion/inclusivity-minute/2022/neurodiversity. this referenced neurodiversity resource by and for ND folk:www.neurodiversity.guru/what-percentage-is-neurodiverse
"Turns out it was Autism" should be on a t-shirt
this is the comment of all time
Oooh yeah, I'd wear that for sure
Someone without ADHD please go and make it and post a link. I just can't, let's be real.
Yess😂
I'd buy
I can't even begin to formulate the depth to which I relate to your story. I was born in the USSR in the 80's, a place and time where there was no "you're different" but rather "you're a problem". no "you're struggling" but rather "you're lazy". no "you're unable to" but rather "you choose not to". And even though I moved to a different country in the 90's my parents still had this soviet mindset that made me feel like a monster. I had no friends, so they told me that I'm just not putting enough effort. I had a hard time in school, so they told me that I'm just not putting enough effort. Basically no matter what was the problem there was only one explanation - me being bad. I never could maintain eye contact with people I talked to, this was interpreted as me refusing to show respect.
Finally, a week ago, I decided to get diagnosed for ASD (I'll be 40 next year). It's still in the process so I have no conclusion yet but just like you, I'm pretty sure I know what the result will be. I just hope it will be possible to perform the diagnosis without contacting my parents. I haven't talked to my mom for about 11 years now because I couldn't take her abuse anymore. I do talk to my dad once in several months but he doesn't really know who I am. One time, about 9 years ago, I told him I'm having suicidal thoughts and getting a treatment and it made him laugh. He said "psychology is a scam. suck it up, life is hard for everyone" so from that day I never talked to him anymore about my struggles, I don't even want to imagine what he might say in an interview with the psychologist that works on my diagnosis.
Thank you for this video from the very depths of my shriveled dead heart.
You gave me hope ❤
Good luck friend, truly good luck ❤️
If it helps, you can start giving yourself treatment/learning now, since you *do* have these symptoms and experiences even though not yet an official ASD label. Sure you know that though :)
I'm really sure that what he'd say would be revealing to the psychologist.
He'd reveal a lot about himself.
The things the psychologists actually wants to know, they'll have to extract by asking specific questions, because the interviewed person will always tend to tell their point of view, want to convince the person they are talking to of their p.o.v., but of course that's not what the person looking for signs of autism is interested in.
Hope I made some sense
My parents are your age, also born in the USSR and display SO MANY autistic, ADHD and PTSD traits 😂😂😂 ofc only my brothers are diagnosed
So did you get diagnosed?
I am really sorry you went through all that, by the way. It sucks when people are so unsupportive like that.
you are a beautiful human and i love you!!!!!
A lot of us autistic people are very introspective and into philosophy. It feels really great to know I can relate to her so much, however it's true that autism comes with struggles. Being mindful and learning how to better control emotions can be difficult and something I'm still struggling with to some extent as an adult.
Dont all humans struggle with emotions all their lives?
Isnt it what makes us humans?
@@kaeji_namitsua no. neurotypical people just have emotions, and they can supress them to some extent. only severe events trigger severe emotions in NTs. NDs have extreme emotional states arise from non extreme events.
@@kaeji_namitsua you’re right about that but we often have extra trouble with negative sensory output, like loud sounds for example. Some of us are also very bad at emotionally navigating through unfamiliar situations.
@@foxxie1702 Yeah makes sense. Im scared of traveling sometimes.
You fucker I love Chinese Philosophy... God damn it I knew I was out of this world- XD
as a person who got bullied and only found out I was autistic after masking my personality and emotions, this hits home
Never say you were bullied. It is self-talk telling yourself you are helpless and preventing you from noticing the tools you have to overcome your adversaries.
@@theironfox2756nah. Sttaight up bullying does exist. People can overcome a lot but you dont need to minimize whay they went through.
@@theironfox2756That is maybe one of the worst things you could say to someone who has been bullied
@Ian_Gabriel What is the problem with using the legal terms such as "assaulted" or "harassed"? Why should those who are assaulted and harassed by made to feel helpless and weak?
@@GafafsgI agree. It comes across very invalidating of those horrific experiences we went thru. And never saying your truth is what has caused me to have autoimmune diseases. From holding in everything in order to not set someone else off.
Thank you for sharing. As someone with a 7 yr old "high functioning" autistic son I'm listening hard to catch little hints I can use to help prepare him for the world. I suspect I'll never be able to pave the way smoothly enough to prevent some type of trauma, but it gives me encouragement when I hear your story about how self-acceptance can lead you to living a life which still has love, laughter and contentment, despite the struggle.
The hardest thing right now is treading the line between helping him be socially competent through exposing him to diverse situations so he can learn to mask and helping him develop an awareness of other's internal worlds, but at the same time letting him know that he's loved just how he is and it's ok that not everyone will understand.
im not autistic im just an alien ( please be discreet )
Same. There’s many things that come naturally to the average person. Meanwhile I’m out here watching tutorials on how to do basic human behaviour
Ayo, this niggas an alien!
Same here.
Was homeschooled.
My elder sister is definitely autistic.
My dad absolutely has to be autistic.
And my younger brother probably is.
Me though? I'm just really smart and really lazy. Doing the crap humans do? It's a waste of time and energy and I just outright refuse to do it.
Like sportsball, or social shit. The double speak used in social pair bonding. People's insistence on using credit when they ought not purchase things for which they cannot pay. How people cannot understand the electoral college and how it negates the voting power of every American. How farmers can't understand the fact that most of them don't actually grow food, but instead, cash crops, which, again, is not food.
I dunno. I'm just not human I think.
Same. Hence my channel's name lol. I have the reversed story, internalizing ableism over an inaccurate diagnosis of Autism+ADHD then disowning the labels later on because I'm just.... HSP and I may have even a hypothetical neurophenotype that doesn't even have a name or recognition yet which I "rediscovered". Strange but mutually common things can happen if you just have a "byronic personality".
To have one's lived experience be defined by some imperceivable "Otherness" and have it recontextualized with a diagnosis is a very confusing yet cathartic process and you captured it wonderfully Sav!
the dear hunter!
👀
I've been diagnosed with ADHD since I was a child, never been tested for autism but so much of what you said rang true to exactly how I coped with my lack of sociability. The masking, copy/pasting personality traits that I like, the idea that i'm mentally fucking up by not pushing myself harder to have large friend groups and some sort of lifestyle that I decided was "normal". I just turned 26 in September, and a lot of my adult life has been chasing the idea of "I will fix myself before i'm 30". I'm beginning to realize that I was trying to become someone else because the world had made me feel as if I was unfit to exist as myself. Unlearning that takes a lot of self-care and thought. I can't put my feelings into words the way you can, which is why I write music. It's the one thing that ppl have been able to understand me through. I appreciate your videos, and others like them. It's so liberating to hear words you've been trying to say your whole life, come out of someone else's mind via their unique experiences.
Your videos have continuously resonated with me in ways I don't think any other artwork on this platform has. There's something so cathartic watching someone throw back your own indescribable feelings and experiences at you. To know that there's someone who really gets it. Speaking from one 'alien' to another, thank you.
hey that rocks. thanks very much
Catharsis! That's one of my 'burning flames' ❤💓💗💞❤❤❤
I could not agree more, I didn’t think this kind of thing was possible, but proof has been given and it is decided. We are not alone!!!!!
I feel the same as Jellyfish, just can't type it so nicely
+10000000
"I later learned it was because I was making then unconfutable. they felt unconfutable because of my personality."
That one hit WAY to close to home for me 😢
literally...
That resurfaced a particularly confusing and painful memory of the exact moment I realized this and learned to change my mask for those social group situations
Same... this has been a source of confusion and pain for me my whole life. If I didn't have my wife, who is also asd, I would be utterly alone in my experience of life.
Me core
its kind of insane hearing you talk about my childhood in your own words. I can't believe we all felt like this and somehow were still so isolated
"there's some kind of deficiency in me that can be fixed with mental effort, and once it's fixed then I can join them"
honestly, that spoke directly to my soul and i genuinely almost cried. which is cool cause i've been physically incapable of crying for the past few months, i have no idea why and i'm genuinely scared of trying to find the answer
That's an interesting symptom to que in on.
I'm guessing you're a female?
I think not crying for months on end is very typical for men and we don't even think about it. We just end up crying once or thrice a year and it's usually very cathartic but then we don't think about it again.
When I had a struggle with mental health years back, in retrospect one of the earliest symptoms is that I had like a week or two where I could cry about anything. I could just think the word "mom" and start crying, and my mom was alive and well.
I've been thinking that I am autistic (female) and I also have been feeling a lack of deep emotion lately and reminisce on the childhood like wonder and excitement I had before I think I started masking. Is this common? I feel like I have been losing myself and I don't know how to get back to who I was.
@candyqueen3024 I'm not diagnosing you either way, and neither should you, but just FYI what you're describing is totally normal as you age.
And most of us miss it and can get sad and nostalgic as we think about it.
And when you're 30, you'll feel even more than way about your twenties are realize you still had some.
And the same again a decade later.
It's normal.
There's things you can do to try to keep it alive and re-expierience it and honestly I think that's what a lot of adults ruin or waste their lives trying to do when they take it to an extreme.
No, I think you just have to try to enjoy the moments of childlike wonder you still get and be thankful for it. It usually happens alone anyway and why are you "masking" when you're alone?
I am a special education teacher and have taught hundreds of kids with autism and have never meet one who chose to mask at home or alone. That's why they all love their house and their moms and just want to go home most of the school day because they have total freedom to stim without task demands at home.
Look up the words "anhedonia" and "alexithymia." I hope this can help point you in some better direction
That sentence summarizes high school experience for many of us I'd say. But I guess eventually you realize that the mental effort wasn't worth it and you stop trying to be part of anything
As someone with ADHD who has always been called slow, never can make a decision, always forgets, and not as stoic as most of the guys that are 23 I can tell you I completely understand. I finally can say I’m different for a reason and there’s more like me, I’m not alone.
turned 24 basically the same man, thought i was alone the whole time and only got diagnosed in my 20s and everything just clicked
Being not-stoic is supergeh tho
@@ludwigderludeI could say the same about your half assed attempt at criticism while covering yourself with a tired ‚geh‘. That’s not very stoic of you. *Shame*
As someone with adhd and autism it’s nice to know I’m not the only one like that. Still, it’s so difficult to do so many things
I'm 21 and I'm 99% convinced I have some form of undiagnosed autism. Hearing Savannah share her childhood stories immediately called to mind a dozen others from my own that were so similar. I was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Dysfunction as a kid (Now known as Sensory Processing Disorder, or SPD), and (from my knowledge) was falsely diagnosed with ADD as well. Whatever it is, I'm definitely not normal, due to stories that I, unlike Savannah, am not brave enough to share publicly.
One of my alien tribe. Such a beautiful expression of seeing oneself finally and clearly. Thank you for making this.
This made me cry. In a very good way. Haven’t been formally diagnosed so I feel like I can’t say too much. But it’s so poignant.
Ditto ditto.
SOLIDARITY, comrades
Literally had to skip the intro bc everything was making me think too much about life and death and all my memories lol. Got too sad and said 🚶🏿♂️...
same. I've always cried easily. My dad used to make fun of me for being a boy and cryng at everything and I remember not wanting to be alive as young as maybe 6. I've never heard anyone else say they felt that, even other people with severe depression. I'm not diagnosed, but I keep hearing symptoms of experiences of people with autism and it just sounds like mine so damn much.
Non Autistic people don't feel like this. I promise.
You're no more or less Autistic pre-diagnosis yknow? The assessment can be validating but it's not accessible for everyone and if Autistic coping strategies work for you and you can relate to Autistic people, do it. You deserve to feel seen and accepted, especially here with all of us Autistic/ ND folks too.
Dont let anyone shame you for not being formally diagnosed but still relating. That opinion comes from sheer ignorance.
I'm in the UK where it's a 3 year waiting list or you can pay over 3k to be seen privately. Autistic specialists, charities, therapists etc know this and so do most autistic people.
If you relate, start accommodating using Autistic strategies and see if it helps. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. A diagnosis is there so that one can access the correct support, ❤
@@ciaraskeleton Thank you SOO much for saying this.
i love all of the "video art" stuff you've made over the past few years, but this feels like the most authentic one, where the others felt like more of a designed performance of your ideas. as a fellow autist, i know every time we talk to a camera or mask at all it's a performance, but it's nice anyway to peel a few layers back. this is also really nicely framed, filmed, edited, graded etc. i always feel inspired when you post these but in a different way this time. cheers
!! can't tell you how much this means. thanks for taking the time to say so
This channel of hers really feels like a manifestation of her life as she goes through it, introspecting along the way that just so happens to be on video. I greatly treasure this video and cried when I was reminded I wasn't alone in the things I felt or experienced in my life so far.
I agree 🥰 the videography was beautiful in this and it felt very authentic. I liked how you were speaking kindly to your little self. It's nice to see you in a more forgiving and optimistic headspace. I also loved your cosy home alone- I've been feeling like I want to try living alone too and this made it look so enticing. 💜
I have never related to a video so much in my life. 😂 I got my diagnosis earlier this year -- took the assessment the day after I turned 33, and my diagnosis the week after. "So liberating it breaks my heart" is *so* perfect. Everything, the shame, the social rejection, the unkindness toward the self, the pasting of collected personality traits, the not wanting to be alive, the relief and peace surrounding it -- I'm so glad that you've found this, that I've found this, that so many of us have been given this. That it's possible to figure out what shapes we're meant to be instead of the shapes we forced ourselves into. Thank you for being vulnerable and putting it into words and posting it for all of us to see and feel a little less alone. ❤
I’ve never been officially diagnosed but you’re describing a lot of my experiences. I’m 26 and I also struggle with maintaining longterm friendships and relationships, and feel like I’m only really able to sustain a close connection with like one or two people at a time and sometimes I feel kind of lonely and don’t have that person or two to talk with. It’s like I care so deeply but simultaneously have such a limited capacity of what I can give and who I can give it to. The things that make me happy make me so euphoric and when I find a person who is like me with similar interests, there’s nothing like it and I miss the friends that I used to have at very specific times throughout my life. I don’t know life is just wild and being autistic is a lot sometimes but it’s my reality and it’s like here we are I guess. Super relatable video though
i’m also on the spectrum and honestly if u miss someone, hit them up! try not to overthink it! it’s really helped me a lot and usually it’s fine and i meet up or at least talk to that person! no one’s ever been like “oh ew ur talking to me after so long?” lol! just something to consider :)
Ive been in the same boat most of my life (22). I feel like ive always cared so deeply about those close to me but have the hardest time maintaining those in the long term. Just know youre not alone
“it’s like I care so deeply but simultaneously have such a limited capacity of what I can give and who I can give it to” holy fuck I’m crying. I love you so much for writing that thank you.
Also 26 here! Self-diagnosed, a handfulf of close friends, feel the limited capacity thing so much. Hi five of encouragement over the internet ;u;/
thanks for describing my life
Normally seeing videos that seem eerily similar to my own reality bring a great deal of discomfort, but this video actually brought me comfort. Seeing someone formally verbalize such seemingly individual hardships like chronic social idiosyncrasies, having impulses not common with other people, constantly putting on a fully choreographed "performance" to fit in, and feeling like your life never seems to reach a socially acceptable level of normalcy without constant efforts, felt like someone spilled out the contents of my spirit out for all to see. Everything telt like a mirror reflection of my own childhood. Like you I had always considered the possibility of being autistic, but I wrote all the symptoms off as being rebellious, emotional yet disconnected, and introverted. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for telling such a personal story.
thanks very much for watching. all the best to u ✿
This rings so true. It gives me more confidence that a diagnosis might be worth it.
I'm not sure I'm autistic, but "being an adult who throws tantrums" is definitely humiliating once people started pointing it out to me, and it actually still takes some time to feel that. Like a year of time. It's like my emotions are fast and slow. Sometimes I'll be put in a rage over a small amount of stuff, and sometimes I'll be able to absorb a huge amount of stress and punishment that I'll relive over and over and cringe at until it's tolerable. Sometimes the memories are so painful that it sends a jolt through my body, or maybe that 's a way to physically manifest the emotional pain and help me come back to the present. It's not terribly difficult for people to screw with me to the point that I'm unable to socialize in any kind of normal adult way. I can also tolerate a lot of mental distress, but I've started learning I shouldn't have to be put through that. Thank you for talking about this, so I can treat the comments section like a mini solo therapy session
Something about your editing style is profoundly comforting and disturbing at the same time. It perfectly encapsulates autism. Autism is a disability, but it can also be a blessing. When we all find each other, and we realize that we are aliens (but we’re aliens together), that otherness melts away. Suddenly, the outside world gets to be the one who’s called weird for once, because we all finally have a home with each other.
I got diagnosed with ADHD at 19 after years of torment and self hatred. I was “annoying”, “weird”, “lazy”. So I accepted it as my identity and often felt I’d be better off un-aliving myself. The diagnosis and treatment helped me learn to appreciate myself more. The idea of mourning a childhood that could have been had I known what was going on resonates with me, thank you❤.
Same.
Same, except at 31. Congrats on your diagnosis!! I think your 20s are a magical time to have that information about yourself.
I got diagnosed at 5, but only now as a 21 year old man am I learning just how much my ADHD affect my life, beyond the stereotypes of what people think ADHD is. Something I've found helpful is to read the experiences of others who also have it. It's hysterical, but also kind of spooky how many similarities there are between my life and other ADHD people out there. ADHD is not something that will go away, but all we can do is make do with what we got and to be content with that. Wish you all the best.
fucking felt...
Why can't anyone say "kill yourself" anymore 😅 anyway I appreciate your struggle and feel your pain. I myself have tried to commit SUICIDE many times. stay strong 💪
Hi Savannah! I’m a non-autistic person and I’ve always thought that you have an incredibly beautiful mind, an eloquent expression of said mind, and your videos have felt comforting to me on a human level. I will say the contents of this video also didn’t come as a surprise to me, but partly because you seem very aware of social circumstances in a way others might not be. You’ve always come across very emotionally intelligent, and that’s why I tune in. Thanks for every video you’ve made, I’ve enjoyed them immensely. ❤
Thanks for writing my comment for me.
I identify with many aspects of your experience. I too interpreted how I was feeling my entire life as ME being wrong, a mistake, a misfit, shameful. I haven't ever felt comfortable anywhere (except when I'm alone) . Thank you for sharing your story. It's uncanny that your video came up on my feed, especially now, and how much I identify with your story.
when I was a kid I genuinely wondered if I was in some kind of matrix/simulation thing because I so often felt like everyone around me had this preprogrammed set of behavior & understandings that all meshed together, but I couldn't figure it out. It's a weird feeling to describe because I never felt like I was stuck on the outside of something, I felt stuck on the inside of something. I didn't feel on the outskirts, I felt like the animals behind the glass in zoos, everyone moving around them & coming to see and wave, but not really interacting. I thought I was just broken, and I couldn't figure out why I had such a hard time just trying to be a person
I haven't been diagnosed & I don't have the money for an evaluation atm, but honestly my internal experience of life lines up so exactly with so many autistic people's experience in a way I've never had before. The more I learned about it the more I just felt like I was being described by other people's experiences. & just knowing that that's what it probably is has helped me reorganize my life so it's actually suited to *me* & not the default "normal" person I was trying to force myself into being.
Thanks for this video, I'm glad you've been able to get a sense of closure & self acceptance
You way you described your childhood experiences really resonated with how I felt as a kid ❤️ glad you're doing better now x 💕💕
growing up, I thought everyone else was a robot and I was the only real person.
Holy shit we had the exact same experience down to a t. Thanks for sharing
Self awareness.
"I Am".
Is this all some sort of illusion? A dream?
Am I, perhaps, floating off in a space ship somewhere, and all this is a simulation?
...A brain in a jar?
...Though it happened to me in my mid 20's (the fact that you experienced this thought during childhood, to me, is incredible).
Perhaps you should look to see if you're an Enneagram 4.
This is coming from a 3, however... but no doubt, in my past, I was a heavy 3w4.
Due to some "smack you in the face" life-changing events and maturation, the W pendulum swung into my 2; now, more or less, I'm a 3w2, in my early 30s.
That said, this is only speculation from a 3 (who's familiar with the Enneagram); that it _sounds_ like, what your discussing here, is in the 4 Enneagram realm.
...Savannah herself, I'd say, is a dead-ringer 4............ 4w5.
“Relearning how to be alive” is so valid 😂😂. Thank you so much for this, I’ve cried so much through this because I now know there’s nothing just “wrong” with me like everyone has made me feel.
as someone awaiting a diagnosis after years of wondering, this is very validating seeing the people I gravitate towards are experiencing the same things
Its so difficult to hold back tears when i watch familiar snippets of someones life as they grow up
i wish i didn't delete some of these times from memory
it's because it's called growing up
It's official, this is now one of my comfort videos. Your experience resonated so deeply with me that I've started questioning the things I thought I knew about myself. I find myself watching this whenever I'm stressed about my perceived inability to communicate with others, knowing that I am not alone, I'm not the only one with these experiences or feelings. I'm hopefully getting a diagnosis soon :)
god, i always felt like a weird nonhuman alien entity all my life just trying to fit in, thank you for this video, we all apreciate it.
"and in that gap between what you actually want and what you think you want is so much straining and shame and unhappiness."
I'm not autistic, but I can relate to this so hard as someone who isn't "normal"
Maybe you are just a transgender
Thank you for sharing your journey with such honesty and vulnerability. Your story is incredibly relatable and your bravery in discussing your experiences with autism is truly commendable. Your openness will undoubtedly help others feel less alone and more understood. Wishing you continued growth and peace on your journey.
trying to channel your inner child, their gentleness and carefreeness, before they tucked themselves away hidden out of sight to everyone including themselves is such a difficult but worthwhile endeavor. I'm still early into the journey of reconnecting with her so I'm wishing both you and myself luck on this journey.
as someone who is autistic and has decribed their feelings as "i dont think im autistic i just think im literally not a human being. like im an alien" this is so extremely exciting. love u
Im so fucking happy seeing other people I grew up watching get diagnosed. It genuinely makes me tear up knowing others have experienced what Ive experienced and can relate.
i was diagnosed as a young boy, and definitely being diagnosed young did not make things better, i felt more alienated and weird and i wanted to be normal to the point of trying to deny the problem but had no idea how. i still struggle to admit that i am autistic, and i usually dont tell people ever. even posting this makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.
Same, being told there is something wrong or just different about you compared to most of your peers at a young age is a hell of a thing, especially when you don't have agency over whether they know in advance or not.
I think there is a lot of shared sadness and confusion on either side of the "when you got diagnosed" coin, I'm honestly not sure if I'm comforted or deeply saddened that so many have experienced the same things to the point that I just see myself in most of the video and comments.
I learnt to play the game, do well and be liked. I got independent, got married and got a house. I'm also three years into therapy because my hypervigilence, near constant masking and drive to overcome burned me out and contributed to my degredation in health following nearly dying in 2020 to Pneumonia.
In the last year I've learned to accept that my Autism isn't my fault or something to overcome, it's just how I get to experience the world whether I like it or not. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to embrace it and talk about it frankly to people.
I also was diagnosed in my childhood. As you can imagine, I also felt diferent, alienated, as you said. I remember wondering why was I weird. I don't know when or how, but slowly I started to change my point of view about that "weirdness". I started to learn more about myself and I realized that, while I had problems that anyone else had, I also had good qualities that other people didn't. Being diferent is not being worse. It's just being yourself. If you don't like something about you you can try to change it, not because others don't like you but because you have the power to become better, always being yourself.
Actually I'm starting to tell people that I'm authistic. A few months ago I didn't felt confortable, because I thought they could think things that are not true about me. But... I'm like I am. To people who really know me it will not change amything, because they already know me. And to people who are starting to know me, maybe being honest with them makes them feel good because I trust them.
Nevertheless, you have the right to choose what want to tell others. I don't think its actually important to tell someone that you're authistic. It's just a thing you can do if makes you feel better. The heart of the matter is that you feel confortable with your self. You are weird? Fine, so weirdness is cool because you're cool. That's it.
this was beautiful, I got diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago, and that feeling of closure is genuinely the best. For so long I thought I was the issue but now I realise I just have an issue.
01:28 🧩 Savannah Brown was diagnosed with autism at age 26, which brought a mix of emotions including sadness, closure, and a sense of moving on from longstanding challenges.
03:19 🦕 As a child, Savannah exhibited signs of autism, such as sensitivity, emotional tendencies, food pickiness, and a preference for solitary activities. These traits were often misunderstood by peers and adults.
06:23 ⛪️ Savannah's family and social environment attributed her autistic traits to bad behavior, which, combined with a sense of social rejection, led to a belief that she needed to suppress her true self to fit in.
09:50 🌟 Savannah finds relief in her autism diagnosis, as it explains past experiences and provides a sense of belonging. She acknowledges the complexities of early diagnosis and support systems.
13:14 😔 Savannah experiences meltdowns triggered by high-intensity emotional situations, a common phenomenon for autistic individuals. Acceptance and understanding of this aspect of herself have been important for her well-being.
16:20 📚 Being alone has allowed Savannah to reflect on her unique experiences and embrace activities that bring her joy. She's learning to remove shame from sensory activities and use them as self-regulatory tools.
20:11 ❤️ Savannah's diagnosis has helped those around her better understand her, fostering deeper connections. She expresses gratitude for the positive impact it's had on her life.
21:36 🌧️ Savannah empathizes with others who may have struggled similarly due to undiagnosed autism. She hopes that sharing her experience brings comfort and understanding to those who may relate.
Haha thats nice! I enjoyed reading bullet proof typa resume of the video.
Unironically thank you for this comment, it's difficult for me to follow big long videos like this sometimes without bullet points lol
@@Chickau Glad I could help.
You're awesome ❤
I get overwhelmed with these topics and this type of comment really helps me navigate the video thank you so much
what you said about going to school and performing, then doing a different performance at home really dug deep. i did a lot of theatre as a kid and i described why i liked it as "they finally handed me a script." the amount of relief i felt being told exactly what to say was addicting. i found myself constantly looking for a script. i had this idea as a kid that everyone around me had a script at all times and just refused to show me. at all times i was either trying to get someone to go off script or i tried to play my role without anyone noticing. i found acting easy because i was always doing it, always trying to find the script so when i was handed one it took boulders off my shoulder. eventually, i realized this relationship was not healthy and i stopped acting. i now know a lot of people who had this similar experience and know that a lot of people have that same fear that they will be outed as someone without a script. i found that letting go of that anxiety is challenging but rewarding. i've always gotten this warm feeling from your videos. your anxiety-ridden ramblings felt like someone was finally saying what i've been thinking the whole time. it is a similar feeling i get when i watch bo burnham or midnight gospel. it is a pleasant break from the usual noise of the internet that is often associated with the anxiety that comes from that same noise.
When I read your sentence "they finally handed me a script.", I had immediate body reaction like this truly resonates with me because a few years ago, I started performing as a drag artist, and I remember loving it so much at first because of the same thing. This "scrip" idea. I remember telling someone "Well, you see in life situations get trown at you and you can never rehearse. But here, I can plan everything, and I know eveyone will look at me at a precise time, and precise place for about 6 minutes! It's like you have all this time to prepare your moment!"... :')
the "problem" wasnt that you cant fit in with others but that you think you should fit in.. its easy to guess who made u think that..from it, it all stems
Always had a similar feeling, that everyone else had gotten "the script" to conversations and I was stuck trying to do shitty improv to keep up or try to predict conversations I knew I would have before they happened, exploring conversations and where they could go so I could plan out responses to different reactions. I ended up in theatre for a while too and felt that comfort in feeling like I finally knew what to say. I can remember one specific memory where someone during a rehearsal made the casual remark that I sounded like I always was speaking from a script, and felt seen in a way that made me want to hide. I still work on letting go of that anxiety, but I feel that progress growing, and appreciate seeing that experience shared by someone else.
I have always been crazy obsessed with finding the "reality" of people, believing, perhaps falsely, that everyone wears a mask to some degree, and so you saying that you always found yourself trying to make people go off-script shook me in a way that earthquakes could never.
when you described the experience of your childhood I felt chills down my spine. everything you said resonates so deeply with me, all your art has resonated so deeply with me that now it seems like me being autistic is something staring me in the eye and there is no looking away now. I've been pushing this idea away as I'm fairly well adapted and "high-functioning" but I guess maybe now is the time to look into a diagnosis...sending you lots of love
all the best to u!
the way you express how deeply you experience things is so relatable and you put it into words in ways i struggle to. so beautiful thank you for sharing yourself and your perspective 🫶
I just wanted to say that this is a work of art. For many reasons. The time and effort that must have gone into this are not lost on me. The lighting and music really drive the tone home.
I really felt this. In not sure what else to say but, thank you.
I relate to this video on a cosmic level "Contourting yourself into a shape you could have never possibly fit and doing it in silence as to not inconveniance others with our suffering." Listening to that was powerful. Anyway, you've inspired me to finally get diagnosed, eventually
I was diagnosed at 49. It explains so much. I’m glad you were able to get diagnosed and understand yourself better. To me it was extremely freeing.
Almost everything here is so relatable. I basically wear a mask 90% of the time, the only one I am truly myself to is my boyfriend who is most likely autistic too. It is all just exhausting, and I am glad you are able to talk about it in this way
I also mask when around others. You are lucky to be able to maintain a serious relationship as I’ve never been able to do that. Not sure if it’s due to lack of desire or lack of energy
As long as you aren't wearing a mask to "stop the spread" it's not annoying
Thanks for sharing and hearing that autistic individuals can meet and forge relationships together! All the best to your partner in crime.
@@bobanmilisavljevic7857why did you use this opportunity to preach COVID conspiracy theories lmao
@@bobanmilisavljevic7857lmao bruv issa metaphor
Tired of feeling tired. Thank you so much for this Sav.
hell yeah! thanks for watching x
16:11 is such a profound vibe, Savannah. I relate to it a lot as someone diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I too am moved to tears by the incredible miracle that is simply being here, experiencing life. It filled me with joy to see that you are doing very well. I hope you still are!
i resonate with this a lot, i was diagnosed at 17, really glad the diagnosis is helping you. it feels like for the rest of my life little things will pop up and im like "oh shit yeah thats the autism" , it doesnt really stop so thats fun
This had me laughing, crying, feeling SEEN. Crazy that our community struggles with feeling alone or like aliens but there’s millions of us that understand and share similar stories, pros, and cons! 💜
Please be my friend. 😅
I've re-watched this video countless times because while our lives have been very different and we are two entirely different people who will never meet, hearing your story gave me closure with mine. If I could show one youtube video to myself from 5 years back it'd be this one. Turns out I'm not an alien either.
Hey, me too!
Looking forward to this one. I didn’t know I was autistic until I was just shy of 20 years old. Despite the fact that I was diagnosed when I was 4 and was just, like, never told. That feeling of “I don’t belong and I don’t know why” crushed me for so long.
I knew it when i was 45 ...
What a waste of time seriously.
Fortunately , i managed myself to cure it , and now as i am 53 , i'm fine !
But what a waste of time , no real life , no relationships with women , nothing ...
A waste of time i said... :/
But now i' m a alien , this is cool and i'm proud of it ! :) ^^
@@netshaman9918 I'm so glad to hear you are proud and feeling better about yourself. But pls don't say u were 'cured' bc being autistic can't b cured! You can obviously learn more about your autism and the coping mechanisms and support systems that can help you immensely, but autism will always be an aspect of you/of us autistic people
edit: minor typo
@docdapper Omg, that must’ve been a different additional kind of mourning you went through, having the diagnosis actively withheld from you :( Glad you’re here now, and (knowingly) diagnosed :)
My father told the doctor, to quote what my mom said he said " MY SON AIN'T NO RETARD" and then he proceeded to call me one and yell whenever I messed up. He knew for 12 years that I was autistic, yet still proceeded to hurt me because of that. My parents divorced when I was young, so my mom had no medical rights for her to help me. The only way I was able to avoid a little bit of what she felt was because of my mom making sure I knew. Looking back on it, I would say my dad tends to abuse people in his households, he just was able to find someone who would fight back and put up with his shit. If I could go back in time, I would make sure that I would of ended up living with my mom.
Savannah, this video touched me deeply. Your story is incredibly similar to mine. It made me cry, which doesn't happen often. It is relieving in a sense to know that other people also carry this weight of living most of their young life completely in shadow, bewildered and confused. Luckily enough for us, as soon as light is shed upon our inner workings, our lives become increasingly filled with more joy and we finally get our fair shot at becoming happy. It took me six years to process all the layers of my undiagnosed childhood, but now I'm finally home within myself. I am happy and fulfilled. I wish for you the same. And I hope you will find out sometime soon that this connection that you have been missing all this time, can be found, with other neurodivergent individuals. Just in the same way as you feel joyful things so deeply and vividly, connection between neurodivergent people is deeper and more profound than anything I have ever encountered. It feels spiritual, even. Thank you Savannah, I'm sending all my love to you.
5:00 I had my non autistic friend who I would watch interact with the females at my job. One girl he would make fun of her and she was a train wreck so it was so easy. She would laugh and laugh and laugh and so one day I tried the same tactic and she snapped. next thing you know I was in the managers office signing letter 2 where its a 3 strikes and your OUT deal!
Hi Savannah, I got diagnosed with autism at 26, the same as you. I loved this video. My mother told me not to tell everyone when I got my diagnosis. But I told everyone and made it public because I realised it’s part of who I am. It’s amazing to see you doing that too and being open about it. It’s been almost two years since my diagnosis and I’ve discovered a lot of ways to help myself including headphones, extra rest, immersing myself in my special interests, not feeling guilty about safe foods ect, I hope you find more things that help you feel comfortable, best of luck to you (your cat is adorable btw) x
Worst thing for me is trouble getting friends or getting a girlfriend. Feeling isolated and extremely lonely is the worst kind of pain. Living in constant emotional pain is almost unbearable. Funny thing is that i didn't start having problems until my mid teens, when i got completely depressed because too many bad things happened that i couldn't deal with. Always cherish your friends and current/past relationships.
i suggest reading into autistic burnout, which is different from regular burnout. its usually often in tandem with depression (or has similar symptoms) and is often us not being able to fufill our needs appropriately and thus. well. burning out.
"Living in constant emotional pain is almost unbearable"...that resonates.
Or you get to a point where you kinda just accept that you will die alone, because I have come to peace with it. This world ain't for me, and that is ok.
I got my friend group. They are only a handful, but I trust them. Sadly adult life have made it harder for us to meet
I got my hobbies to put time into.
People and the big social game burn me out real quick most of the time, so I mostly do not bother.
Oh, also try to find social groups for people with Autism. I know some organisations organise social groups for people with Autism and I am in one myself. Being able to chat with people you can share experiences with and discuss helps a lot. To me, something just clicks, almost as if we are born with a different set of social cues.
Have you taken steps to make yourself desirable to women or are you one of the ones who hangs out with other dudes in the same position online who just complain and blame women for not liking them? It's never been easier haha. A few months ago in a restaurant I watched a guy go from complete loser who everyone disliked to having these waitresses talking about how hot he was LITERALLY because they saw him do 30 push ups. Listen to me. You can figure it out with some effort in yourself.
@@MD-zm6sn You should take steps to stop being judgemental. Instantly assuming a bunch of things about someone you don't know is not very nice.
The most relateable 22 mins I've ever listened to. Bless you, you beautiful soul. Glad you got there.
I recently got diagnosed as well, and I found myself just nodding along to this whole video like I was at a rock concert. From the sense of relief and closure, to the sadness and regret over the life I "could" have had. But, under it all, for me, there's also been this real sense of finding a new friend; realizing this core part of myself that's been there with me forever, but who I've only just now gotten a chance to get to know. Thanks for this video, I found it really cathartic, warm, and comfy
As a fellow alien, this is just so good. I don’t relate to everything in this video, not every alien is the same, but I feel like this is just so endlessly relatable. Keep on being you, so the rest of us aliens can see you and keep on being us.
It’s very interesting to me the parallels of similar experiences we have. I used to watch your poetry videos in highschool and connected with you about the experiences you shared about your past eating disorder, anxiety, depression, etc.
Now, damn near a decade later, you are sharing the road to your autism diagnosis and the things you struggled with undiagnosed, and similarly over the last couple years I’ve discovered I’m neurodivergent and reframed a large portion of my childhood, habits, and behaviors I tend to exhibit. I’ve also been considering getting a formal diagnosis.
Just wanted to share that even though I’ve never met you, and that this video is about a year old, I have connected with the things you’ve shared over the years 💖
What's crazy to me is that these autistic traits are so visible from the outsider's perspective, so I'm impressed that we scoot on by without being plucked out. I guess it's played off as a child being a child but as we become more and more aware of these "oddities" that they become more and more obvious. What's most interesting that develops from this is the isolation and us becoming more self-sustaining because of our very obvious differences from others. I've noticed that a lot from late diagnosed "high functioning" autistics. Off-topic but something that annoys me is when parents hide the fact that their child is autistic and expect them to overcome it on their own, I've also seen that happen quite a lot.
All the people I've followed for years are getting diagnosed with a case of the 'tism. Feels like we've all found each other on some niche part of the internet and used each other as comfort and reasurance... I think it's nice to realize that
21:14
that part..... made me cry.
doing it quietly to not inconvenience anyone with their suffering.
i really do relate to basically every thing in this video...
it is so healing to know why you are the way you are. i got diagnosed at 16, it was a very hard couple of years but im slowly starting to learn theres nothing to be ashamed of :))
I wish you the best, this video really hit home.
While we don't align on every symptom, the *experience* of growing up autistic is similar despite, and you do an amazing job of describing it. The sense of difference and the disconnect that forms because of that, the loneliness, the pain and depression, the nightmare that school was. I just wish that learning and better understanding who and what I am had allowed me to find relief and happiness the way it has for you. I wish I wasn't still haunted by the conditioned sense of being bad/wrong for being weird, and the continual pressure of feeling like you're always the one to blame for not somehow trying harder. I wish I wasn't still trapped in the depression I've carried with me since that childhood. I wish that, those times I refer to myself as a freak, that I *wasn't* using it in the negative context. But I'm glad that there are some of us who society didn't manage to beat down, who were able to find happiness at the end of it all. I hope you're able to continue finding that happiness, and that maybe there will be others who will see that and be able to do the same.
I hear you. Growing up I felt that sense of strangeness and I was able to learn early how to mask. Plus I was athletic and hood at sports(and girls liked me) but even with these positives I still felt that strong sense of detachment and weirdness. I never understood why socializing and being around others was so exhausting or why I never enjoyed it like others. I also realized dating and serious relationships were just not
In the cards either but I just didn’t know why or what was causing the dysfunction. Over the years I’ve developed a sense of who I am but this has me almost more confused at times .
The two times burn baby burn appeared hit me so fucking hard a mix of sweetness and pain thanks for this
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE DIAGNOSIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am a stranger on the internet as we all are but I just got diagnosed last winter at 20yo. It is so big and emotional and beautiful to be able to see myself as a person who is a freaky little autistic weirdo instead of an alien :,) . Thank you for putting your thoughts and experiences out into the world. I related to so so so much of this video as I'm sure so many other people did. sending virtual love and peace
thank you!!!!!!!! congrats to you too!!
@@savbrown Why are yall congatulating each other on the diagnosis of your mental disability? It's not a special power nor an achievement. It's a disability. No hate, it's just weird to do this. You wouldn't congratulate a person on their diagnosis with OCD or ADHD either.
It’s not about congratulating on having a mental illness, it’s about congratulating on feeling courageously as a proper ability, wondering and seeking to find their own truth and comfort. The congratulations are meant to transfer the energy of a hug at the beginning of a long self discovery road.
@@totaempeople like us have lived our entire lives knowing something is different about us but never had a name for it. many of us have been ridiculed & bullied & treated as though we’re monsters to the point that we internalize these thoughts. to finally have a name for it, to finally know that there’s nothing wrong with us, that our brains are simply wired differently, is absolutely something to celebrate.
we were already “disabled” ( it’s a debate in autistic communities whether asd is a disability on its own) now we simply have a name for it and that is a beautiful, cathartic experience.
@@totaemWhat a bizarre take.
Thanks for this amazing dive into your mind, Savannah. I think I am a 22 year old with the -ism, and really resonated with your childhood experiences. It really shows me that there are many people who go through the same struggles that I went through and warms my heart.
P.S. I too was a guy who took it upon himself to copy others, even down to how they walked. I thought of myself as a robot trying so hard to be what I thought was human. Not anymore!
Man, I'm thankful for going to a school where everyone had autism or related diagnoses. (it was pretty decent special ed, I had a lot of access to books, which I completely destroyed). I've always felt normal people were the aliens. Like, super-unaware of their surroundings, their own feelings, not able to face their own emotions, that somehow being my fault for noticing and point that out (which made me shy for a very long time). Meanwhile I basically went through feelings-bootcamp since I was 7. Watching a kid going through a complete meltdown in your class pick up chairs and tables and launching them through windows really changes your perspective on life (Also, everyone in my class thought that was kinda awesome because he basically stood up to not being taken seriously by a teacher, which is also something that happened to me. So good on that guy. I've heard he's a peach these days).
Little side note: There was a teacher in that school that mentally and physically abused kids, then basically blame it on the kids. It happened to me too. It took WAY too long until he was found and I'm not sure if he ever faced punishment. The thing is that something like this also happened at a completely different regular school to at least two of my brothers.
School pretends to be about education, when in fact it is about bullying and abuse and if your from an ethnic minority, racism.
I got an ASD diagnosis last year at 25. I remember watching your videos in high school and feeling this strange kinship I couldn't explain. When I saw your video "forming real human connections" I remember thinking, "finally someone who gets it!" I also went into my ASD assessment thinking it was obvious and then I had a breakdown with i got the diagnosis lol. However, so much more makes sense. Best wishes!
I can very much relate to the feeling of relief when I got diagnosed at 24 (for ADHD) as it's good to feel acknowledged that you actually have a problem.
I also know the feeling of sadness if you think "how much better could things have been if I had been diagnosed earlier".
Innuendo Studios did a podcast with Magdalena Rose talking about ADHD, and one of the most poignant things they pointed out there is that you'd also have to mourn this imagined "normal" version of yourself, which never really existed and I'd never grow into.
Wow, what a courageous video. You express what you’re describing so beautifully. Kudos.
As someone who grew up with autism, I can fully relate. Growing up with autism sucked, school sucked for me the most. But I always wanted to go to college for some reason, and started to go to trade school. Ended up finding something I'm really good at, and honestly really enjoy.
I did really well in school too. My parents kept my report cards from my younger years; straight A's for years, from one class to the next. I was really hyper-fixated on proving myself worthy. I really believed that if I did my best, I would be accepted and to extent, I was but it still wasn't what I really needed.
When I was young I would always get left behind, I didn’t understand why my brothers and sisters always went off without me. I remember being profoundly lonely and not really understanding what was going on or what I was doing wrong. Your story resonates so deeply with me. 😢🙏🏽
Having aspergers myself this is so relateable honestly, Glad you got diagnosed so you know it isnt just you being goofy or whatever. I remeber when i got diagnosed i got the feeling i finaly knew why i am the way i am. anyways thank you for sharing your stories, i really enjoy listening to them!
This makes me understand why I resonated with you so much growing up, I’ve watched you for years and wasn’t diagnosed with autism until I was 20, I think there’s something beautiful about how autistic people find each other without even knowing the other person is also autistic ❤
It’s so true ❤
Sav never fails to be autistic ❤
o m g she does
the point of shamata (perfect concentration) is to rapidly go beyond being human
its nothing special or new, except you get to be immune to anxiety etc once you reach it.
you are not autistic, you just want attention (gross)
😂❤💯
@@5pilesI have experienced this more than 5 times, less than 10 times in my life. Another name for this is jhana.
8:30 - Autism, on top of the rest of my issues, definitely leaves me with that same exhausted feeling.
i think it’s so interesting how autistic people are naturally drawn together. similar to you, i was raised catholic in the midwest without a diagnosis and spent my whole life feeling like an alien. your channel was always a place i found refuge. when i first started watching your videos years and years ago, it was because i loved poetry. now knowing we’re both autistic, it’s funny to look back and think that perhaps there was a reason your poems always stuck out to me!
Genetically similar people are always drawn together, that's how and why tribalism exists.
As a person with ADHD who was diagnosed as a child but never told, your videos over the years have always offered me a unique sense of comfort. Thank you so much for sharing this, it resonated deeply with me.
Hearing you talk about your childhood and how you felt you had to suppress your behaviors and feelings to be considered a “good kid” reminded me of my little brother. I don’t know if he has some kind of neurodivergence or if he just has a hard time regulating his emotions and behavior (which is honestly typical for any young person, being alive is hard), but he’s voiced the same sentiment of feeling like he’s fundamentally a bad child. He and I are part of a large family with a lot of children, so any disruption or unpredictability can be met with frustration. Our family is not abusive by any means, it’s just that raising a lot of children can be really stressful and a child that misbehaves often or causes commotion can catch a lot of flack. Regardless of what’s going on with my brother, I can be there for him and ensure that he feels loved and accepted for who he is.
Thank you so much for making this video. I’m not sure if I’m neurodivergent myself (currently leaning towards no), but I think you have improved the lives of neurodivergent people everywhere just by bringing this video into existence. Your account of your experiences is deeply moving and watching it has brought me closer to tears than anything else for the past several weeks. Please continue living and enjoying your life 💛💛💛
what you were saying about allowing your autistic accommodations without feeling shame really hits home for me- I like to have my curtains closed during the day because the Light is Too Bright and before I used to think “ugh this is so lazy and bad and hermity” but now I do it and I think “the Light is Too Bright and my brain doesn’t like it so let’s make my brain happy instead of doing what I think I should!!” genuinely this kind of reframing my habits as accommodations instead of personal shortfalls is probably the most helpful thing I got from my diagnosis and I’m so happy you feel similar!! also this video was absolutely stunning and I wanted to compliment the obvious amount of time and effort that went into it because it’s so beautiful 💖
Long Comment:
I stumbled upon your video completely by accident, but must tell you that I found it very moving. It was both sincere and openly human. I'm so happy to hear that you're living happily and that this diagnosis has given you a firmer sense of control over your life. But the important thing to remember is that you are not a person who has "something" (call it a disability or a disorder or what-have-you), you simply are a person who is a certain way, free to live your life however you prefer. And I'm not talking out of my ass here, I'm a little older than you and lived my whole life without knowing I was autistic. And although I never comment on youtube videos, and certainly never hazard to offer advice where it is not asked for, I would like to share a few things with you in the off chance they're helpful.
First thing, if you learn how to relax your body, it will greatly relax your mind, espeically if you're feeling overstimulated. A great way to do this at home is simply lie on the floor with your arms out and focus on relaxing your all muscles, most importantly your face. If your learn to relax your face, everything else will pretty much follow suit. It doesn't matter what thoughts run through you mind, let them be there, let them pass. Thoughts aren't real, they don't matter, so there's no need to suffer them, even if you feel you should. If you chase one, that's fine. Just bring your attention back to your face and your body. It should feel like your face and body are melting into the floor. Do this for about twenty minutes, and you'll be amazed how refreshed you feel. Use noise-cancleing headphones if it helps. If you learn to relax your body in social situations, it goes a long way in preventing exhaustion later on.
Next thing; diet. Now this is a confusing one for most Americans, who tend to look at foods as either good or bad. But this isn't how it is. All foods (and when I say foods, I mean natural foods) have specific propeties that are going to affect your body, your energy levels, your mind and your emotions. Obviously, stimulants and depresents like caffine, processed sugar and alchohol are going to take a greater toll on people like us, so keep that in mind. Outside of that, I recomend you look into Ayurveda. Just google/youtube it. Being an eastern perspective on health (Ayurveda literally translates to "Life Science"), it may seem a little confusing at first glance, but trust me, its actually quite a simple and extremely comprehensive guide to finding balance. Not a one-size-fits-all approach, but a what-are-the-needs-of-the-indvidual approach. If you're anything like me, you'll fixate on it for a few weeks and learn everything you need to know.
Relationships; and this goes for all relationships (platonic, familial, romantic, etc). And this is obvious, but it is worth saying. On the whole, relationships should benefit our lives, not burden them. It's okay to let them go if you don't like them. There's no rule that says you have to have them. That being said, relationships should always be symbiotic, a give and take. It's not about you serving someone, or someone serving you. So don't be afraid to be clear about your needs and your nature, so long as you're accepting of the other person's. If this arrangement is mutually beneficial, great. If not, no hard feelings, let it go. Honesty and openess are the key. You shouldn't have to mask for your freinds. Don't pertend your not weird. We're all weird. Life is about imperfect people loving eachother. If they're cool with you the way you are and you're cool with them, they're the freinds for you. If not, who needs them. But if you're up front about how much social stuff you can comfortably do, most people are cool with that and won't hold it against you. So there's no need to pretend that you aren't the way you are. Also, remember, everyone's dealing with their own private struggles. It's not just you. It's all of us. Recognize that and you'll be easier on yourself.
Last few things. You're coming into your late twenties, which is a time when your body changes a bit and your lifestyle catches up with you. You may experience some extreme feelings like depression or anxiety or something like that, but don't worry about it. Focus on your physical health, and you'll be fine. It may be especially hard for you, given your sensitive nature, but don't fall prey to it. Remember, your mind and your body aren’t you. They are things that you have. Just because they don’t always work the way you want them to doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.
Like everything else in this cosmos, you're a brilliant piece of life, no higher or lower than any other. But the one thing that makes us different from all other life on this planet, is we can choose how we live, and no one way is the correct way for all. So live how you want. Whatever your kinks are, whatever comforts are, so long as you're not hurting others, it's cool. Don't sweat it. And if you ever have trouble accepting yourself, here's the trick, focus on accepting others as they are, and all your stuff will just kind of evaporate on its own. Or you can actively change to be the way you want. Whatever works for you. Either way, I truly wish you well. I know you'll find your way.
Take care of yourself.
-Edward William Polley
Might be the most thought-out RUclips comment I've ever seen.
i reasonated with so much of this. you put it so eloquently. thank you.
This was such a weighted blanket of a video to watch. Relief, validation, comfort. thanks, sav
"It was just me and this difference for which I had no name. That's pretty heavy for a child." God damnit, Savannah. Get out of my head. Actually. Don't. I've spent too long thinking I'm alone lol.
I wonder if anyone else can relate to this: I also realize, now three years sober from alcohol, that I drank to feel socially accepted while out with others because of autism. To get past that invisible forcefield and feel FINE for once around others. Like I could operate like a real human. Not constantly be judging myself for how I'm coming across or moving or what face I'm making or being too afraid to talk . So I could not constantly hear the horrible narration in my head. So I could just shut it all off and seem ..normal. Anyone? lol
Yeah I used to drink at parties just to be able to talk to others especially women. The moment I got in my current long term relationship I pretty much stopped drinking. The thing that ruined it for me was when my jock coworker invited me to a party with bunch of frat guys and sorority girls. I am a super awkward nerd. I felt so out of place that I drank until I blacked out and felt uncomfortable drinking ever since and then I met my gf. I feel no need to drink now and neither does she.
I also really identify with Savannah saying she just didn't want to be alive as a kid. I've never heard anyone else say that before. I remember that feeling and my parents have said I said that to them several times and I cried super easily, which was extra hard as a boy with a toxic male dad.
@@Zectifin I'm so happy to hear that the hunger for the drink is no longer there, and that you're in a healthy relationship! you deserve that peace. thank you for sharing this with me!
and yes, my parents just thought I was super emotional/sensitive/a worrier. I felt so othered, I would have rather not existed. I remember begging to be homeschooled because I could not take the social aspect of school. I hope that you know that it's okay to cry and that you have a safe space to unload! Wishing you continued recovery and happiness.
HUGELY relate, my god. i still find it so hard to be in any social situation without alcohol tbh. it’s become an unhealthy crutch/coping mechanism for sure.
Yep, as soon as I accepted myself for what I am. I stopped drinking to make others feel better about me. It's crazy that you're putting alcohol in your own body to effect the moods of others around you.
I absolutely love this video, the opening, the music, the whimsical/dreamy look to all of it, top tier. paired with a script that made me tear up (not easy), not even 5 minutes in, and I know I've found someone that I would like to follow. I hope the best for you. whatever you choose to put out, I'll be happy to watch.
Similarly to you, I grew up in a hyper-religious, conservative environment alongside an autistic brother more severely impacted by autism.
I was diagnosed at 25 and felt all of the emotions parallel to what you described. Since I've been more vocal about it, my friends embrace it as part of what makes me who I am.
There's nothing "wrong" with me, and at times comes with its advantages! Thank you so much for sharing your experience!!
Your videos have this intimate sitting after midnight kind of vibe I like a lot. I am living in constant rush but whenever I watch your videos, time suddenly slows down. It is like having a 20-minutes of weekend in the middle of the week.
Thank you for your testimonial. In almost every instance, hearing your account was like going over mine own youth. I was only diagnosed with asperger's on my 40th birthday and, although a bit late in life, it did help make sense of the world.
Thank you for helping me feel a little less alone.
You worded this phenomenon of structuring life based on what you’ve learned is “supposed to be” and feeling so incredibly out of tune to everyone else beautifully. Thank you for helping me feel less alone as a recently diagnosed 20 something as well :)