How to trust yourself after narcissistic abuse - 3 Tips
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 25 июл 2024
- How to trust yourself after narcissistic abuse - 3 Tips
In this video we cover: NPD, narcissist, cluster b, malignant, covert, fleas, fawn, abandonment, toxic parents, parenting, gaslighting, gaslight, child development, triggers, tools, therapy tools, conflict, self-regulation, toxic, toxic family systems, boundaries, truth, childhood trauma, inner child, inner child work, c-ptsd, ptsd, narcissistic abuse, healing, abusive parents, emotional abuse, childhood ptsd, repressed memories, hypervigilance, narcissistic parents, emotionally abusive parents, child abuse, narcissistic father, childhood emotional neglect, abuse, narcissistic mother, alcoholism, scapegoat, genogram, siblings, dissociation, trauma, scapegoat
SAMPLE LETTER FOR ABUSIVE PARENT ACCOUNTABILITY
www.patrickteahantherapy.com/...
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
1:04 Connect With Me
4:10 How Abuse Contributes
4:22 How Abuse Contributes: #1 Unseen/Without Validation
4:45 How Abuse Contributes: #2 Shamed For the Truth
5:10 How Abuse Contributes: #3 Abusers Not Held Accountable
5:27 How to Heal
5:41 How to Heal: #1 Have a Safe Person
8:42 How to Heal: #2 Do a Vulnerability Inventory
9:53 How to Heal: #2 Do a Vulnerability Inventory - 12 Step Inventory
12:54 How to Heal: #2 Do a Vulnerability Inventory - Narcissist - Resentment Inventory
18:44 How to Heal: #3 Work on How You Were Set Up
21:38 How to Heal: #3 Work on How You Were Set Up - Write a Letter
23:41 Final Thoughts
24:49 Outro
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
MUSIC IS BY - Chris Haugen - Ibiza Dream
• Chris Haugen - Ibiza D...
Editing service
www.jamesrara.com/
⚠️ Disclaimer
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255
I've just understood, literally upon waking this morning, that all the toxic relationships i've had helped me accept that my childhood was, for real, toxic and abusive right to the core. I am grateful ♡ (still hurts sooo bad, but grateful for the truth)
@Wendy thank you for this ♡
I feel the same.
I feel the same way! I have this saying on phone wallpaper “Learning the truth never harmed me: the only evil is to remain ignorant. Marcus Aurelius “
it's good to just KNOW.
“The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off”
Gloria Steinem (I think)
I get this. My mom would tell me that I was the cause of all her problems and unhappiness. At age 18, I dedicated one year to not arguing w her, following her instructions to the letter, etc. At the end of that year I stepped back to see how she was doing. The same. In this I realized there was nothing I could do to make her happy, and that reality set me free.
You have a lot of self control
Brilliant!
I laughed so hard when you say “The same.”
Thats a very clever little experiment
I dedicated 15 years to see if she finally was minimally happy. Same results. It's not us, it's them.
Patrick, you are providing an invaluable service to childhood trauma survivors. Thank you.
Truly.
lifesaving!
I completely agree - this will be so great for helping those survivors work on the healing process!
@Patrickswtherapy
This is the sweet reward, blessing of doing the hard work to heal from chilhdood trauma...
You can discern an unhealthy dynamic when it presents itself and because you honor yourself and you choose to trust yourself, your gut, you can graciously remove yourself from someone's presence and just leave! No explanation is needed because you are wiser now and will not allow yourself to get sucked into their unhealthy, toxic patterns of relating. I had a moment like that today. Though feeling a little anxious, I did what was right for me and my peace returned.
I know now not to ever give my personal power over to anyone. I am not in survival mode anymore. I am an adult who is protecting the sweet, innocent child in me.
🩷 🤍 ❤️
God bless Mr Patrick!
As an old lady who is just starting to understand why I am the way I am, often thanks to your informative videos, I am so impressed that a younger person like yourself is able to have the kind of insight and wisdom that you have.
I'll be 65 in a couple weeks. Had a horrible life with a narcissistic mother. Was always told I was crazy and I believed it. Dropped out of school and lost jobs due to doubting my own mind. Didn't even know I had CPTSD until about 6 years ago due to an amazing counselor! Feel robbed of a life that should have been somewhat enjoyable! Anyway, it's never too late for us to heal is it! 💗
Patrick has a video where he described a childhood experience, he was struggling with his immediate family and a friend's mom told him he "chose" his parents before birth. I know when we experience less than good enough families, it definitely doesn't help to blame ourselves. But I wanted to tell Patrick, this is why. We do choose, but it doesn't mean we have to stay in the abuse. We often can't see purpose while we are in it. His own experience led him to this, to being able to help people globally recognize their wounds and start to heal. Patrick, it wasn't for nothing; abuse isn't deserved and you could have justified closing up and going the opposite way, but instead you became a light for thousands in the dark. Be proud!
What caught my eye about your comment first was "as an old lady". I too am an old lady 72. I've been digging for answers since 1966. NOTHING about my childhood 'added up'. Over 40 years of once a week therapist sessions. Take a peek at Dr. Nadine Burke Harris's 15 minute Ted Talk. It's from 2015 and my first exposure to exactly 'what' the dang problem just might be! From there I found Patrick, the crappy childhood fairy, and Támara Hill and am gobbling the information and tips and tricks. We still have neuroplasticity ~~ that's good 👍🏼 news for us old timers. There seems to be so very few OLD folks represented in this recovery work. Or, I'm just not looking in the right places. Hugs
Isn't he amazing? He's a true blessing! And so are you. I'm up there in years as well and have often had bouts of depression and worthlessness. It's painful to discover why I'm such a mess. I just want some joy to be left in my chaotic life. There has to be something to all this. Bless you too, lovely lady. ❤
@@lynnmoore5649 Same! I think a lot of us could bond.
“Not being in your body enough to realize the full impact … being in a relationship with someone like that has on you”
We don't wake up one day from our single life and say "I'm going to start dating a total disaster". Total gold, Patrick. LOL
I hope everyone is well and safe. 💛
No im not . What about you ?
I'm not but Thanks
I'm not good
@@Francesca-bo3ou Still struggling but better than I was
@@freq500 Well little by little im sure you'll get more and more better
About 2 years ago I started waking up to how suffocating the codependent shit I grew up with had been, and I started dropping all of the chaotic, dramatic people in my life, and setting really firm boundaries with the people I wanted to keep who engaged in stressful, unproductive behaviors. I started taking better care of myself and emotionally regulating like I was training for the Olympics. It was so hard! I was so lonely! I broke my addiction to stress and excitement. It finally feels like things are clicking, and that's motivation to continue growing. Peace is real!
Thanks for acknowledging how hard and lonely it can be when you start, it is an ongoing struggle for me and this gives me motivation to keep going.
@@roxanneconner7185 you got this, Roxanne! Keep giving yourself calm moments whenever you can, all the great stuff starts piecing itself in. *hugz*
Thank you so much for your comment, it really inspires me to keep going. I am determined to heal but struggle against pointlessness and trusting that it is even possible. Thanks for proving that peace is obtainable! I won't give up!
Oh, Susan, yes to all of this: Olympian-level training that is both bone-chilling and rewarding; it’s the awareness that (1) I was begrudgingly addicted to the stress of drama and (2) I no longer am; which translates as literally taking fuller inhales and exhales with random smiles just because 😊 Someone I follow on IG recently said, “At some point, you have to make the life-altering decision to stop requiring a crisis before you finally choose radical change.” 😭🤗
so proud of you wow!!! 🎉
I was blamed for choosing a toxic partner and my mom said I don't love myself which felt hurtful. Mom thinks I choose friends over family. Growing up my dad was made out as the bad guy. Now as an adult I see my mother has a very toxic side too she is a codependent
I just realized a big reason I have a hard time with compulsive lying is because my mother would tell me to make up stuff and lie about what's going on at home. I went to school everyday looking and feeling horrible, people would ask if things were OK at home but I had to keep the peace and keep quiet.
damn. this comment made me realize something too. My mom used to make me like too 😕
@@the1betterpodcast84
My same word, exactly. Damn!
Same
Sorry that happened
Waking up. That's how this all feels. As a child I knew my mom didn't care for me. Always at odds with who I was, even some of my earliest memories were of her frustrated with me. I wasn't allowed to be.
Now that I understand myself and my childhood, I am finding narcissism everywhere and I can't tell if it's really narcissism or if I'm just being over vigilant.
I've been estranged from my family of origin for nearly 7 years now with zero intent on returning.
I've been married almost 30 years. My in-laws all have substance abuse issues, alcoholism mainly. I don't drink, as alcoholism has gone back at least 4 generations in my own family.
None of my inlaws have ever taken any interest in getting to know me or my kids.
What's real and what's paranoia about being in other abusive relationships? I'd rather be entirely alone than continue to be abused by anyone.
It seems like almost, everywhere I turn, the people around me are very self centered, liars, manipulative, neglected their own kids for substance abuse.
Red flags! Red flags everywhere I turn.
I just started therapy. I hoping for clarity as therapy goes on. Right now, I'm confused, lost and alone, again.
If i could hug you through the screen I would ♡
You are doing so great! I'm rooting for you! There are safe people out there and you are worthy of connecting with them and you won't have to be alone. Keep going! You are strong! ❤
The most important is finding the right therapist. Not any therapist. Use Patrics guidelines. Then do therapy all the time, sometimes stopping and starting again. Wish you strength!
It's an epidemic. Who knew that people were barely holding it together all those years? It's also getting worse as people are increasingly unwilling to allow themselves to be drained and manipulated. ❤️
Look in a different place to where you are looking now to find real genuine people. They exist.
This video is a gold mine for
de-tangling our family system’s crazy
trap. It is like 2 years worth of therapy in 23 minutes. Wow!
When you asked what would my parents say? That rocked me. My mother told me to go and appologise to my abuser.
My mom said she didn't care that I was sexualy abused because it's better me than her....I was 7.....
She always said she wished abortion had been legal because she would have had me murdered. Wonder why I picked bad relationships...
Me too
WTF?? She was wrong.
Me three
same:(
The main relationship my parents set me up to fail with was work. It's a weird paradox, because they (at least one of them) always told me to never tolerate a partner who manipulated or physically abused me, or to completely give my entire being to them. On the flip side though, they pretty much taught me to not only accept, but to embrace that same kind of treatment from jobs/bosses! My boss was one who signed my paychecks, so I had to do everything for them, no matter what. If I was stressed, hurt, or sick, it didn't matter, work came before all else. The implied "you can't get anything better" was always there. I still struggle with this to this day.
I never felt able to take my earned PTO. Ended up being laid off and losing well over 80hrs. I stressed myself about working when my own wellbeing was crumbling. My mom has over 300 PTO days saved up, she calls it her cancer fund. :/
I completely understand! When I was a teen my highest goal as an adult was to work in service industry like waitresses and housekeeping. I grew up at a mountain fishing resort and the resort ruled most aspects of our lives. Took a lot to learn I could do almost any industry I wanted.
I think with neglectful parents an issue with the empty chair is it is almost exactly like living with them - you'd be talking to no one and if you imagine their responce it'd be nothing or they'd flee the chair.
Mention of the 'Blame Game' reminds me of what my counselor told me to do: change the names. So, instead of "Well if it hadn't been for Dad's narcissism and Mom's codependency I would've had a good life," to "Well if it hadn't been for Leonardo Da Vinci's narcissism and Mona Lisa's codependency..." This will snap you out of the pattern, as well as elicit a laugh response if you are creative about it (Examples: "If it weren't for Attila the Hun and Little Debbie..." or "If Johnny Rotten and Sissy Spacek hadn't..." etc. I've made myself laugh out loud doing this-it can be great fun!), so that your energy is no longer going towards people that shouldn't have influence over you (if you've gotten out of the relationship. My parents are both deceased, so I'm no longer interacting with them). Also, this makes you realize that blaming is really just an empty exercise that produces nothing but added resentment. Your energies are better spent elsewhere.
Patrick always misses the location of the link at the beginning of all his videos. I’m beginning to find it hilariously endearing. Because, he otherwise smashes these videos, 10/10 times. I have never in my life seen someone possess better insight into these issues, and maybe even more important, I have never seen anyone communicate that insight this effectively.
You have kept me breathing on some bad days. Thank you. ❤
Yes please tell us the secret of being okay with ourselves when we feel disapproval for others, whether imagined or real. How to honour our choices, preferences and the way we do life.
I'm keeping a picture of myself when I was a baby and with 6 years old handy. It helps me to be compassionate with her since she looks so sad 😢 it brings lots of tenderness for the little, vulnerable and isolated child I was. I try to give her what she needed but no one cared to provide her no matter how much effort and obedience she showed.
I own her.
Your videos are literally saving my life. I just started Al-Anon yesterday and I can feel myself healing from the work I've been doing with my trauma therapist over the last couple of months. I couldn't have gone to that therapist if I hadn't started with you. Thank you so much. ❤️ I noticed sometimes you end your videos where you say that you hope it made sense... But I can assure you that for trauma survivors it always makes sense
I was always told I was selfish and greedy for asking for even basic things like a hair brush, tooth brush, shampoo or bath soap....even those very basic items I was NOT worthy. I always thought absolutely everyone was more deserving and better than me. My sister got her needs and was never assaulted for them...I was the youngest and least wanted...my mother didn't want her youngest 2 children and we got little while the "wanted kids" were doted on......we knew from birth we weren't wanted. The ONLY person I ever felt safe with was my 3rd and wonderful husband, he passed away Christmas Eve 2017 and left me on my own.....
Thankyou everyone sees me as this perfect loving person. But i cant see any bad in anyone. And then end up being hurt all over again because i cant see toxic people.
This is my tendency also. I’m breaking through the veil and starting to see people for who they are. The sad thing is there are more bad/toxic ones out there than we realize😮
Thank YOU, Patrick for doing your own healing so you can help so many of us with ours. I’m 46 and I’ve been working with a wonderful therapist on inner child work. I recently had an awakening and realized my stepmom of 30 plus years is a sociopath and my dad is codependent. All the unraveling of realizing my HSP traits is directly related to the traumatic filled childhood has been painful but also feeling the release. Working with an energy healer also to help move out trapped emotions/ trauma. It’s a process and it takes time and being gentle on ourselves. I’m crying reading everyone else’s comments. I’m sending love and healing prayers to everyone going through recovery ❤
I think it's important to reiterate, especially if you are early in trauma recovery, having that safe person to do this inventory with, because before you make your lists, this might not seem "so bad", but when you're in the depths of it, it can be severely triggering.
@@lookupyourredemptiondrawsn7285
My heart goes out to you!
🥴🥴🥴#1 is really hard for me. Never really had a friend, every therapist I get either doesn’t understand or sets my threat radar off real bad. I feel like that’s most of the reason I get locked up with toxic/abusive people…. It’s only ever me seeing it. Makes you feel real crazy.
I love the part where you say how parents set you up to be with narcissist as a result of how u were treated. My father did 4 sure but I called it out in both people. I gave it 10 weeks and went no contact. 🙏😛💯☀️
Thank u. Happy days.☀️😇
Back in the day I was the children's advocate for a domestic violence shelter. I was good at it too because of my childhood issues. I wish I had this information back then. You are very insightful and make things simple and understandable.
I had a teen mom in the 50s and the Family project their shame on me. The rest of the family/kids were a happy, "normal" group who bonded by scapegoating me. When I was 32 it was revealed I had an older brother. He was warmly welcomed and I was kicked to the curb...which actually was a good thing. I live a very happy and independent life now.
The brother, BTW, was adopted by the Family that ran Sears. I think that had a lot to do with his appeal. He is very wealthy and I am not. LOL
This is just too cruel, my heart is broken just reading this 💔💔💔 I am so sorry 💔💔💔
@@annak29 .I appreciate that. I have a wonderful life now ...living the Dream in Santa Fe. God has had his hand at every turn. Hugs Anna
My first thought watching this was, where was this 10 years ago when I left my abusive ex. 😂 Now I see why I gravitated towards him. Emotional neglect lead to attaching myself to the first guy who gave me that kind of attention. But at the time I thought he was perfect. Ooof that didn’t last long. I’ve done a lot of work since then. Still appreciated your content. Thank you 🙏🏻
Yes the covert abusive mother in my system was never called out, and I was shamed for trying to tell others about how I was treated. By contrast I was shamed for not “forgiving her” and for causing her alcoholism and depression. Now I see all the patterns but this took me years to figure out.
me too
My abusive mother finally apologized to me recently and acknowledged her part in creating my patterns of narcissistic abuse. The impulse was to let her off the hook... I'm so glad I saw this now so I can take the opportunity to address this in the proper way and hold her accountable instead of just letting it go. If anyone has any more advice, I know this is a delicate situation...
My mom apologized around a year ago and she said all of the things that seem right. It was not even a month after this that she was back to calling me a liar and saying none of the abuse I’ve accused her of is true. It seriously shocked me. My advice is to just be wary of apologies. Even when it seems sincere and heartfelt, their actions and effort they put into change is what really matters in the end
I can’t imagine my mother every apologising ,she never said sorry about anything in rearing children
I would take that apology and run with it. (Ie don’t expect more from her). I think we have this yearning to feel fully healed and for the hurt of childhood to go. We want those who caused the damage yo atone for their sins. But it happened and it can’t be undone and even apologies from those who caused it won’t erase the damage or repair trust. Its an acknowledgment and that’s probably as good as it will get. There is only so much they can say. At the end of the day we have to decide what type of relationship we want with those who hurt us in the past and only we can fix ourselves and it’s probably a lifelong process.
Did she show sincerity, insight into how her behavior negatively effected you, and willingness to respect boundaries? Or she did say what she said so you'll shut up about and you can go back to giving her what she wants?
@@alonzomosley7 same here, she is still denying heavy things, I suppose she cant handle much
I never realized how much I've been through until I could get to a place in my life where I could write a list spanning over two decades.
I don't know why but, I'm like a magnet for this stuff- to the point of abuse and neglect where I'm almost constantly agitated and simultaneously blindsighted.
I guess I’m way more messed up than I thought. I have NO interpersonal relationships. I trust no one. I’ve done EMDR. I guess it wasn’t enough😢
I feel “ safest” around animals and find comfort and nurturing from them. My mom was beyond narcissistic. It wasn’t until the past couple years that I understood what I experienced was abuse. Thanks for ruining my life mom😡
I hope you will keep working on EMDR and lots of journaling. There is hope in the therapy work and it’s work and it’s hard and feeling the feelings sucks sometimes but it does work and as I face the truth about it all I see that there are so many people who are not like that but I had to heal first to understand who was good and who was not. I know I will likely be working on it the rest of my life. I’m glad you have your pets also. They are so awesome!
This is exactly where I’m at. Thank you for throwing the live preserver into the darkness, Patrick. Sometimes I think maybe only those who have floundered in the void realize that it exists, none the less what it’s like. I hope you know how empowering your mentorship is.
Curious you used the word floundered...I relate to being adrift in a huge ocean.
Great comment.
The end of this video hit home so much. We can’t heal & do better until we own & deal with the parent part. I feel like I get so stuck trying to own it.
I think I’m growing so much (and I am!) but then I get triggered & it FEELS like I lost all of my momentum. I get weepy, withdraw & generally give up on ever being able to have a healthy relationship or truly heal….
I get so excited when you post new videos. I’m 21 years old and only discovered recently about trauma and it’s devastating impact of my life unknowingly. I’m taking the right steps to heal and your videos are just one of those pieces of the puzzle that uplift me and help me move forward. Thank you so much for your videos
Keep at it and good luck
I’m so excited for you in doing this so young. It’s never too late for those of us beyond 40, but I love seeing that young people are getting this awakening earlier than those of us that didn’t have this knowledge available so readily.
To your healing!
@Cam....awesome for you...I wish YT and this information was available when I was young...I've wasted half a century NOT knowing...
Wow I wish I'd discovered it that young! I didn't figure it out until I was 41, but hey, better late than never. I hope you're able to heal and make your life your own! Things get really great when we dump the toxic people lol
Everyone is rooting for you, friendo
Thought I was okay today. Found out I'm really not. Trying to figure out where things flipped in me. Thanks for being here. Being alone is terrifying.
You aren't alone. I'm tired of pretending I'm okay myself. Wanna chat?
The kid whose neglected someone older who is sketchy and no one’s cares to know about it..with all the 12 step ACA and therapy hadn’t heard that one - so spot on. You are truly helping people - and yeah they set me up but never again.
This has been especially helpful - I hadn't come up with a way to describe how I was affected by the neglect of both of my parents. These letters will be cathartic. I have had so many antagonistic relationships with managers and bosses because I was always projecting the struggles with my dad onto them. It always gets to a point where I'm so exhausted, as you mentioned "trying to get them to be sane for your benefit", that I blow up MUCH to the detriment of my own life and health.
That is exactly what happened between me and my dad. I snapped (for a very miniscule reason, the straw that broke the camels back so to speak) and started destroying the kitchen in my parents house. It took all of 5 seconds for my dad to get up from what he was doing, grab my wrists and shove me up against the counter yelling and telling me he was tired of MY shit. Then he kicked me out of the house.
In the end, it was for the best. That relationship was irreparable. But what aggravates me is how it still hurts SO MUCH.
“It aggravates me how it still hurst so much “. ….it still tortures and angers me me why it still hurts so much. Once I finally realized and accepted I hoped the anger would leave me. It doesn’t 😢
I need help with this.
I have found the more self acceptance I gain through healing the less such memories hurt me. ❤️
I left my narcissistic ex on January 1st and never looked back. Therapy helped me work through everything so flashbacks and panic attacks lessened and now I'm almost feeling like a new person. I'm more calm, get triggered less and when I get triggered, I manage to take a step back, reflect and concentrate on the actual situation rather than giving in to reactions based on my immediate interpretation through an emotional filter.
Therapy has changed my life and I am forever grateful and thankful for your work and how your content has impacted me and helped me navigate my mental health journey thus far.
I think what's unfortunate is that so many people struggle to find safe people because the abuse can be isolating, even after leaving the setting and relationships where it's most perpetuated. Even if seeking a therapist, it can be a challenge due to lack of resources or services available. But support systems are so crucial!!
My mother has some symptoms that are Borderline-like and I continually get involved with people with Borderline Personality Disorder (diagnosed or strongly suspected) and they seem to swing from empathy to narcissism which is confusing.
Thank you so much for this exercise Patrick, it couldn't have come at a better time. Just yesterday my dad told me, right to my face, that I was the scapegoat. My mother's "foil". And he would like me to keep being that in order to keep the peace, thank you very much. A prompt like this is just what I needed today 🖤
Oh my! That’s harsh, I hope you are able to go no contact. It’s not your job to keep the peace. I was the scapegoat too
@Dark Creature: Get out!
Save yourself! Wow, to tell it to your face. Glad you’re here for the support.
Hoping you can start healing, discovering yourself, and learning how to nurture and parent yourself, be your own best friend while you develop new strengths and capabilities ❤️. I am so sorry you were subjected to this sickness as a child and it's continuation. No matter what, stay on the healing path.
As an only child, I didn't get to be the scapegoat until I had given them two grandchildren. 😳
It was three screwed up females for the price of one!
Seven divorces 🤔 so far.
@@ursamagickmt672 Oh, my word!
No disrespect, but that was funny. May you continue to heal.
You were talking about writing a letter to the abusive parent, and it really hit home. I didn't write a letter, I wrote a song called "Symbiotic Psychosis." It's too long for the comment section, but it was that catharsis.
Do you care to share the song ??
@Mavalee Taylor just the lyrics, or something? I feel it would be far too long to put in the comments section. But, if others are interested, I suppose I could.
Wow I was in my first emotionally abusive relationship in 2020. A few things I identified with in your video:
He made me feel SO safe. Of course he was 15 years older than me. That word advocate. He use advocate for me so much and really encouraged me to do the same for myself. It felt so good. Like someone had my back. I walked with a high level of confidence in the beginning of that relationship.
The next is me feeling like I could reason with him by becoming as subservient and “respectful” as possible. Like maybe if I said it this way instead of that way he won’t get mad and flip my words into something else. At one point it was so intense I told myself I could take it. I could handle it all. Whatever he came at me with I decided that I was going to take it all because I thought I needed him.
I was always trying to get better so I could deal with toxic behavior. It doesn't work that way. I am finally in a good place. Those dark days are in my past but I learned so much. Thank you so much. 💓
Wow! Some of your descriptions were like you had been on my shoulder when I was a child. Spooky! All the more reason to honor myself enough to work on this so I can have some physical, mental and emotional peace. I would love to be able to Not have to be vigilant, and feel safe for a change. Tired of so much turbulance.
Thank you Patrick for having an uncanny ability to verbalize so many situations and subsequent emotions and survival behaviors.
May this process allow me to go from being a pack of Ramen noodles (constantly uptight), to being more Spagetti (relaxed and chill) 😉
Lol, must be time for dinner.
After another emotionally yo-yo day at work I'm realizing that either a) I work in a toxic environment or b) I'm stuck in some developmentally-delayed part of my brain. Having grown up in narc hell, I'm siding with (b.)
Or c) all of the above. You could very well be in a toxic work environment as well as suffering a skewed perception of it due to symptoms of developmental trauma that keep you stuck, not perceptually accurate in your threat assessment and without proper tools for healthily handling the actual level of threat (or trouble) with which you are faced. Beware of the all or nothing - black/white thinking. Also, you are not always the problem. You may be contributing to a problem from time to time, but please don’t scapegoat yourself.
Sometimes it is both 😌.
Anyway, insight is the first step... good luck ✌️ 😘.
So so relevant after my years of solitude. In & out of childhood, marriage, widowhood. Thank you, Patrick for laying it on the line and making it accessible without making it into a game that requires more presence of mind than the problem leaves you with!
You said it so well about the "more presence of mind" than the probllem leaves you with! I am so very much there with you!!! thank you 4beats... I get you!!!
I'm in the middle of an abusive period with my family of origin and I keep coming back to these videos to cope while I find my escape. That little jingle at the beginning of these videos is an instant source of comfort for me lol, lulls me right into a state of calmness.
It's typically about someone faking being afriend, taking advantage of my skills in some way, or using me for something / stringing me along but not really giving back. Making me feel "not enough" or left out. Maybe withholding beneficial things from me. Feelings of powerlessness on my part, or emasculation. Childhood feelings are pretty evident in that I did not feel respected or validated, I feel I went above and beyond creatively and intellectually but wasn't given enough credit, and instead was made to feel like a problem and "cast out" by peers and alienated by teachers bc of my neurodivergent ways. So yeah... echoes in adulthood are usually lousy friendships where I over-extend and am either stabbed in the back, insulted, humiliated, or neglected by them. If I assert myself, they'll spin it to look like I'm a bag guy and they "did nothing wrong". :/
I can relate.
Thank you so much for covering narcissistic abuse from this angle. I’ve watched so many videos on what the narcissist does, but this is the help I was looking for all along.
Fully waking up from my childhood trauma at 46 was the most eye opening experience I've had.
And it was thanks to you good sir. 🙂
The , to my face, I allowed things to be said to me!!! It's training yourself to stick up for yourself. It's abnormal. But WE keep moving forward. Thank you for your messages !!
Thank you so much for these videos, Patrick ❤️ I feel so alone right now I'm working through my trauma and learning more about toxic family systems. Having these resources are so valuable, especially since I've struggled to find a therapist for a couple of years now. And seeing all these comments is so reassuring.
Dear Patrick, thank you so much for the precision with which you explain the myriad of insidious and unconscious ways in which we try to square putting up certain behaviours and the frank kindness with which you explain that working on ourselves is the key. This video is a mine of information clarified and made digestible. You make such a difference to my life!
Good stuff. I like the homework. Makes you realize just how on your own you really were.
I love this approach of building a basis for a healthy gut reaction instead of trying to solve interpersonal relation risks by applying formulas (sweaty upper lip tests 😂) Any strategy that depends on my intellect is doomed because my amygdala-based reaction is going to bypass or sabotage my attempts at puzzling out who is safe.
I hear you - so many of the helps out there are cognitive-based, which are no help at all when hijacked by amygdala and only the limbic system is operational when triggered/emotional cascades/threat present. That whole executive functioning part of my conscious has been tied up and gagged in the dark back room of my brain like a prisoner while the program of the fear/trauma system rages through its script start to finish. My conscious self isnt even present to bring up any rational thought-based intervention whatsoever. Something visceral has to be adjusted so our gut reactions are based on a proper assessment of what is presently before us and a healthier response is reconditioned like second nature.
How astute! Mistrusting my own perceptions was the all-natural consequence of gaslighting. One reward of longtime recovery: noticing how reenactments start
I am excited for the new video. Thank you for your time! Your videos were the turning point in my own recovery almost a year ago ❤️
I grew up in an physically and mentally abusive family. My grandmother saved me from being worse. I remember my mom telling me no one will ever love me because of this or that. My dad recently told me that maybe I should go to therapy and find out what was wrong “with me” Because my relationships didn’t work, now I know they set me up for failure in every aspect of my life and I thank god for my grandma who was the only one always encouraging me, loving me and educating me throughout my childhood. She saved me but I never knew how much trauma I actually still carry with me and how at 39 it still affects me. Thank you for your videos ❤
As always thank you Patrick! You are speaking the truth of my life and the effect it has had on me. Thank you for the helpful tools. I’ve been in Al-Anon for over a decade and I have never seen the AA inventory presented in that way.
As so often, Patrick, this video is BINGO for me. Doing the work to heal is bumpy, sometimes scary. For me, not taking steps to recover is much scarier and requires alot of denial to see it as less painful.
Great timing ! Needed to hear this, Was just thinking when I come to a fork in the road both choices seem wrong because I need external validation without an internal compass. OMG I totally due that ego fantasy thing as well. Was just thinking to myself, why do I seek out these ppl & not stand up for myself? Its partially a shame thing,believing I dont deserve better but a large part trying to be the hero/ martyr. Think my identity became wrapped up in it.
Wow thank you again for another awesome video. I think the part about the abuser being not held accountable really speaks to me. The loudest, most manipulative, and rageful person with all the power - my dad - not being held accountable definitely made me develop chronic depression and feeling of powerlessness. And it gets easily triggered by simple people at work, or dictators like Putin 💀. I hope the Inner Child reparenting can help me heal that sense of powerlessness overtime. Thanks again for the video.
You are giving people the chance to heal, without having to talk to someone who may not understand or have the tools to help. These videos really are giving ppl NEW AGE tools. By letting ppl listen to HOW to heal, we can internally work thru our stuff.
Thank you for making it all better. For being a change agent to the new way of doing anything.
I learned a lot from my counsellor. She was great. Kind. Helpful. Real. She would write on a white board so I could visually see how to take steps to heal. At that time I wanted to talk everything out. Currently my alcoholic step brother doesn’t want to talk things out. He talks to me. But won’t talk to a therapist. I’ve sent him your videos HOPING & believing he will get the help he deserves & needs. It will take him some time. But if ur videos help him get to a place of wanting to talk it out one day, to speak the trauma. & truly work thru it. That would be wonderful❤️🔥
Thank you Patrick. For turning ur trauma into healing & truth. You’re very unique
Man, this kind of support means the world to me.
Inventories can be super helpful! I've never thought of a vulnerability Inventory.
Thank you! This one of my favorite videos by you (there are many). It explains so much & helps to know someone understands, even if it's not my family. Am thankful for discovering more about NPD & otherwise dysfunctional family dynamics & that it wasn't just ME. Such a crime & so tragic that people f up their children & never take accountability for their abuse or mistakes; then will even fault their kids for the same problems they caused! It's like spanking a young child for crying. Ridiculous, unnecessary & cruel.
I would have broken the cycle & made a good mother, yet have never married & will likely never have children. Most of my friends have been divorced. Some married/divorced 3-4x regardless of kids involved. Does anybody ever wait to really know someone anymore!? Losing hope with this world~
This has really helped. Was in a lot of pain for a while after trying to consult with my mother for the first time since childhood. She always creates codependency if I open up to her about myself by putting her trauma on the table to make it more important. Then she also tries to bring up parts of my past failures to change the subject from the present to past mistakes to make me feel like I'm a failure and must regret my entire life since that point. She has no adult skills for a healthy relationship with her children. It's like watching a child that has no idea how to be a parent. I've always sensed this about her though. I'm not qualified to call her a narcissistic parent, but the codependent pattern she creates makes me wonder. The trauma bond bullshit, with lack of insight for problem solving.
I found your channel for tonight and I am just interested in healing. I am glad one of your videos mentioned some family members aren't interested in changing.
By the time you wake up it’s too late to try and have a relationship. You end up by yourself .
Omg I totally resonante with what you say about imagining if i could talk to a parent in high school about a date and how I felt and wondering if I would want to go on a second. I never had that in fact dating wasn't allowed. Which is fair but I wish my parents would have been more receptive to my needs and left that door open for conversation. I feel like it would have saved me a lot of heart ache..I hope I can do better with my kids when they hit the really hard pre teen and teen years.
You totally made sense. I guess my scientific/analytical mind needs the backdrop, the explanations, and hypothetical examples. For example, when you said "Did anybody happen to mention that the raging, alcoholic, narcissist you dated for 3 years probably wasn't a good idea, But of course he was life of the party! Sure my mother said, " I like him but he's not for you" But she said that to everyone I dated but because she wanted me for herself. When he finally did the discard, She said exactly word for word what you said, " I knew it but I didn't want to upset you." Not the first time she said that either. Like you said. I was set up. I have always been. Now I have to do the work to discover what is the truth. It really does feel like that movie, "A beautiful mind," You do have to ask a trusted friend or therapist, If you were overacting in situations, or underreacting. It's almost like people don't understand me.
On how a parent would react to getting out of an abusive relationship, my mother told me, "we are all on our own journeys through life." As if that abuse was necessary, and as if she isn't allowed to help or give any tips and tricks?? I feel like she is getting enjoyment watching me stumble along through life, from one mistake to the next.
Your videos seem to literally coincide with my therapy and group therapy appointments 🙏🏽💜✨ thank you for covering this!
My mother was a total narcissist and amazingly I married one .I still can’t believe my partner never called out my mothers outrageous behaviour .But being a narc she didn’t care and actually worked with my mother against me .As usual it took me years to figure it out .
I’m in my fifties. It took forever to understand that I was the family scapegoat.
I have a similar situation. Both parents and sibling are Cluster Bs and it's interesting to see how my brother is not speaking to my mom. Neither of them are upset and I thought it was odd, but they are both using the same playbook and they are so busy getting their needs met through manipulation that they don't care that the other isn't speaking to them.
I was shamed for telling the truth.. A LOT of sweeping of things under the rug. A lot of me being forced to “confess” things I didn’t even do.
(minute 21:00) When my fiance' and I broke up, the first thing out of my father's mouth?: "You really blew that one!" I'm laughing ironically right now, 😭because I was only 19; and I made a needy mistake, lol...that set the course for even MORE stupid, needy mistakes. 63 now. Glad you're here, Patrick. Finally ready to take that [unsettling, vulnerable, I'm already triggered😁🙄] inventory. The problem with the "trigger" is it's an image of an abuser from my childhood. Like a gnat that I can't swat away. My stressors have me on high alert. And yes, I also just realized how I made my life an "open book" to co-workers who "seemed" to be so caring (cringeing); only for that to backfire. Discernment has never been my strong suit. Where IS that Damned Kryptonite!
Patrick, its pure relief to hear you say verbatim the words said by my mom and dad. Brother too. All were - are toxic narcs. I thought I was good just for surviving but I hear you saying you break our tolerance for such systems and their abuse. Time for a healing change, this rut needs the light shined on it for it to not be my kryptonite. I want to stop "waiting" for "someday" when its finally my turn in this world, when mom is all good, and my brother so they won't see my real power and try to destroy it. I literally told myself, if I wait to not hurt my mom's feelings to get the life I want, she isn't going to thank me by giving my 30 sacrificed years back, but I still have. Went NC with family 4 years ago so its a first step. You are so accurate and leave no co-dep stone unturned, its like a nice rain cleanse for all the pollution in my mind and heart. Still the pattern is ingrained, needs to be dremmeled out which is the work that you guide us and help the incremental changes stay for good. Its a new day, above ground and never a better time to get healthier inside and out. Thanks - wordy wordsmith here, but that will improve too! Thank you from my heart!
Your breakdowns of things helps me so much to understand why I suffered so many long years and also why I only started healing when I essentially cut off my family from me in all the ways that matter.
I found the video you made with the pictures of you growing up and what it was like for you as a child/teen. It gave me a glimpse of what you went through and really gives me hope
I never had that safe person, so I let people hurt me again and again and even found excuses for them until they managed to ruin my life. They not just defend my abusers but help anyone to hurt me. People made an entertainment of provoking my triggers, they are completely nuts. And they are so proud of it, it amazes me.
This video has been very helpful to me in my healing process
Patrick, thank you for all the work you do for we survivors. I had two deeply narcissistic parents and then two bullying narcissistic older sisters with dark triads. They have done alternate things to me in terms of abandoning and now I have a brother also who abandoned me because he functions as a child and listens to one of those older sisters. I’m working on my codependency all the time but I truly truly wish I had a gifted therapist as you did. My therapists were just winging it and letting it happen even though I spoke constantly about my Family abuse. I’m much older adult in the last quarter of my life and really do wish I had better therapy because I still suffer emotionally and physically although I have much better boundaries. codependence due to being raised by narcissists is just endless work and I have suffered in relationships because of it. thank you for your videos, they are very helpful.
Awe Patrick youre the BEST! I am over the giving a darn about learning about narcissists. I have been studying them since about 2010 when pretty much Sam Vaknin was my main source of information. I still keep getting tangled up with these people though. I am always worried I am reading people wrong, but it's all I know. My whole family that I cut off was made up of them. Nowadays I end up trying to be friends with narcissists because I see that they are trauma survivors too, and it's hard to think I am leaving them on the battle field wounded or something? I don't need anything from anyone, but I just cant tell if I am over reacting and lumping things into one kind of scenario...so either way I doubt myself. I want to be able to let the good people love me, but I don't even know how to be loved
Finding the balance between knowing what to share and when (particularly medically) is hard, as is feeling like I beling anywhere. I struggle to feel like I have friendships, despite knowing very well I have a number of people who consider me a close friend and say it to my face. I was segregated from my siblings emotionally, and isolated physically for medical reasons (no team sports, only X type of activities etc). Plus the ACTUAL issues I have. I'm one cofused puppy, but I'm trying. Thanks for reminding me this isn't my fault.
Thank you for this jewel of a video Patrick! You are the reason I cut contact with my abusive family & am in recovery!
Wow this all hits so close to home. Hard truths. Thank you for this. Will save and listen to again and again to learn as I work on becoming the best lawyer and safe person for myself. 😊👍
My childhood trauma hit so hard I only hear Patrick in one ear
So right … victims of narcissistic parents artificially create happiness, validation and distraction from their sad and cruel situation of feeling not loved or seen with excessive work, sport, shopping or drugs…until they get so sick or depressed. If they figure this out it’s the first step to health and healing. But it is a painful path to see the truth….and there are so many people in the way to distracting, holding you back and gaslighting you, you might be stuck forever in depression and never understanding the real truth….needed for recovery.
💯💯❤️ need this a lot
Woah, that’s nuts. I can’t believe there’s another human out there that had the same things their parents said to them.
Thank you for this video. I love how concrete it is, and how much "safer" the trauma version of step four feels---because it's not implying that we should have known better, only that there is more hope for the future.
I was in a toxic, abusive relationship with a narcissist for years and didn’t realize it was that bad until it was a couple years after it started happening. Then a few months after we broke up, I started a new job. My boss was just like how my ex was and I didn’t realize what he was doing was sexual harassment until months after it happened, and it was continuing to happen. Once it got to a point where it was kind of weird for me, my own therapist who I told said, “look it’s not ‘just a little’ or ‘maybe’ or ‘might be’, no, IT IS sexual harassment,” and it was so helpful to hear that I was correct about my situation. I quit my job a few days ago and I’m so glad I did. I didn’t tell them that it was because of sexual harassment, but I did tell them that I was extremely uncomfortable and it was unprofessional what was going on. Honestly, I’m too scared/paranoid to tell them what really happened because the person who did that knows my home address…so I’d rather not.
I feel like I trust no one in the world and hate everyone for what they’ve done and they’ll never get why I feel this way
Ha! Not only could I not discuss 'dates' with my parents, I was so shamed I didn't even go out on dates. Still don't.
Another incredible video Patrick!! I’ve been on step 4 for the last two months in my 12 step program because I have found it really triggering!! The tweaked step 4 sounds amazing and I’ll definitely give it a try! I love how you give such practical and tangible ways to heal and grow!!! Thank you 🙏🏿!! May you never lack anything good in your life 🙏🏿
I said it before and I will say it again, this channel is Gold.
Wow! That was a lot for me to deal with after a another sleepless night. Gonna try again later because it’s highly relevant - even if super scary . Thank you.
Thank you so much Patrick. Thanks for shining the light in.
I so appreciate this help!! So refreshing to have actual how to advice.
Thank you so much for this Patrick!!!