We don’t want them to come back we want them to GROW. From someone who was DA/FA, if I could do it, they can do it. The world is increasingly built around avoidance; video games, social media, VR, and every pre-existing technology and activity are all ways to escape and avoid. They need to do the work and sit with themselves. They need to do hemispheric lateralization journaling and reconnnect the hemispheres of their mind. They need to learn that emotions are not bad, and that they are useful messages your body and mind are sending you.
Two months later, I have begun letting go so much…that I might actually have almost let go. Unless she calls me this weekend and says she’s in therapy and wants me back…I’m pretty much 90% out the door for good. I’m actually planning on moving to another state next month so unless she comes running after me at the airport I think this is going to be a life lesson for both of us, and that’s it. No rekindling this toxic dynamic, no restarting the flame. I deserve better.
Yes you do deserve better. if you are thinking that her running after you in the airport will change anything think again and watch also Coach Ryan. Avoidants repeat cycles over and over again until they seek professional help and actually do the work. It's a viscous cycle and very damaging for mental health by being on receiving end.
@@anthonyc5039 you don't need to relocate. Just write and pin on the wall the bad things they did to you in particular how they kept distance when you needed them. Be angry enough and you won't want them anymore. I live with my ex avoidant in the same residential area . It no longer affects me. We just say hi from a distance
I have already let go since early October. I am very happy and more concious of different attachments. Whoever is hurting , may you recover soon. It is better to let go than be breadcrumbled . You will surely heal and ecover.
Just move on and leave them in the dust. Mine came back to me several times and kept leaving me after several months or sooner. I am over it. I don’t know why we have videos telling people how to get their avoidant ex back. It’s kind of ridiculous. They don’t deserve you. Let them be miserable and alone. Seriously.
Took me over a year of chasing trying to win her back before I realized....what am I doing? I found a waaay better woman who WANTS and DESIRES to be with me and be close to me and now laugh at my old pathetic self. Oh and the best part? My DA ex is MISERABLE now realizing she lost a good thing with a man that truly loved her. Yeah...ya messed up, im out and now you're stuck with your decisions. Bye 🎉❤😂
I’ve done this for years. He always comes back. He always will but it doesn’t matter because he will never stay. It’s been a great learning experience. I know I will never have the relationship I want with an avoidant. I wish him healing and let go of all hope. What a relief it is.
I got out of a long term relationship with an avoidant, who keeps coming back and making fake promises, just to pull away every time. I hate that they have this much power over me, knowing I still love someone who hurt me. What makes it hard is that we have a kid together, and I want to so badly break this cycle yet someone I can’t.
I have been mirroring my avoidant husband's behaviors for the past 3 years and it has really worked, he treats me much better, but now I avoid him like the plague. My entire personality has changed. Thanks to videos like this I figured out what is going on. Getting a divorce.
As an avoidant, I say fk avoidants. We are like feral cats. You can try to love us, try to care for us but ppl like me will never fully trust, no matter how solid you are. One imaginary “false move” and we’re gone, one foot always out the door. I’m in pain and I wish I could change but this is like an inescapable matrix that you, if secure and just wanting to build something with someone, don’t deserve.
Heyhey, i agree that it mostly makes no sense to date an unhealed avoidant. i'm sorry you are in pain. in case you want to heal, adam lane smith seems an experienced therapist & coach. Virtual hug, i've been through a lot too.
@@ToniChavis_1969 I do. ..and I've been working on it for many years. I was listening to this earlier and just got really angry and defensive for everyone coming here bc they love someone like me. I feel both sides of it and I'm just so sorry.
Your self-awareness is refreshing . . . and tragic. I'm sorry for you. I wish you the very best in trying to figure it out. I don't know you, but I feel pretty dang confident you can. Chin up and keep working.
I did that. She came back, fascinated. The spark was there again. And then she was gone, again. Nothing works, if avoidants don't want to work on their trauma.
This is the most true statement. I'm avoidant dismissive. And I'm at a point I really want to change that. I've been in therapy for a while now and god DAMN this shit is painful as fuck. But in with a guy now I really really want it to work. So I'm making myself go through this pain because he deserves better from me and I want to be better. So I'd agree, until the avoidant wants to do the work themselves it's a lost cause.
Maybe they don't want to work on their trauma because they know it will only result in further abuse. They are also aware that even when they try their hardest to fix their issues the end result will be that once again they are abandoned.
@@kristeneichhorn6913 sure there are cases like that. In my case, I never abused her in any way. And I would never abandon her. I truly love her and want to stick with her. But leaving a conversation half way and disappearing for weaks without an explanation is more than I am ready to handle. There must be responsability on both sides.
pretty much once they discard - it really is time to let go. No matter what you do they will just leave anyway and you can't change them. In the end it was probably not love for them anyway. We are just people that serve a purpose in the moment when they crave connection for a short lived time.
It’s so cruel. You think every time they come back, that they still love you and care, but it’s selfish. They know that you will give in. It sucks knowing I’m not strong enough to let go and yet I know that’s the only way for this cycle to end. It’s weird how confident I was before my ltr ended and now I have never felt so low in self worth from all the lies and fake promises.
I know exactly how you feel. Being an empath you forgive over and over and over again only to be left time and time again. Sometimes you need to choose yourself over the love you have for them. If you want the cycle to end, blocking all communication is the only answer. Stay strong !!
Do nothing ! Let them go ! It’s the only way. The way you feel about a person is different than 1)how THEY make you feel or 2) how THEY feel about you . The way they make you feel is the only reality of this relationship. If they make you feel anxious and sad- this is what the relationship is all about . When you realise that , a lot will make sense in your life .
I love this concept. I first heard it from Matthew Hussey, who explained it beautifully. And it is so true. We have to anchor ourselves in our reality--and let the avoidants go. They need to heal and to the work; no tricks or tactics are worth any avoidant.
This is a good video on the subject. Sometimes letting go has the paradoxical effect of the person returning, sometimes it has the effect of helping us to handle (learn how to manage) our neediness and redirect our energy towards those who truly appreciate us
I also don't think you shoudl be giving out dating advice because if you're with an avoidant who is upsetting you, why should you pray they pull away and leave? Don't you have that power yourself? Avoidant people aren't gonna stick around where they're not wanted. Speaking of a fool. Neaderthal Natty indeed. "When people tell you who they are, listen."
@CovetAmory the problem is she didn't even know she was an avoidant and I didn't either. I figured it out later and if I ever meet another avoidant I'm gone as soon as I realize it.
In October we broke up. We had minor contact after the break up because she had some of my things. When I got my stuff back we talked and didn’t get back together. I didn’t beg or bother her much after the break up. I only asked for my things. I did ask for her back once we saw each other again to get my things back. She said no. When I saw she had no emotion until we hugged then she cracked and broke down. When we hugged I could tell she was smelling me and began to sob. She said she was ok with the decision. I’m hurting pretty bad. She said she won’t block me but she also said it was nice to see me on last time. I want to reach out so bad but I know that it’s just over. I have hope because she won’t block me and said that she liked the idea of still having a way to contact(phone number, social, etc.) this gave me false hope that maybe one day we’ll talk again. I can feel it in my instincts that it’s just not going to happen again. I hate myself for falling for her knowing it was all going to end so badly.
Do not...DO NOT break no contact. Save yourself now before you become a shell if a man Yes, you are hurting so bad...I left my husband after 37 years. I felt like my flesh us splitting in 2. People take it 1 day at the time, I used to survive 1 breath at the time. But slowly you will recover....IF YOU FORGIVE YOURSELF AND WORK ON YOU as to why are you attracted to a person who is not emotionally available. Please understand, is not you. Is her. If those tears were real,she would gave been in your arms right now Take care of you
I had the most beautiful closure with my DA ex last weekend. I was able to get all of my stuff back (except for some pillow he kept because it smelled like me, like whatever,) and I was able to actually get a couple of apologies and a number of admissions. He wants to be friends, but I can't let that push and pull continue anymore. This time, no contact means just not responding to his messages anymore.
If an avoidant (male or female) habitually leans into monkey branching, they aren't ever going 'backwards'. This is especially the case if the avoidant is very attractive. They have an endless supply of options to focus on as they leave an ex behind (and also conveniently avoid having to face the pain they have caused to the ex).
I wonder if this happened when I dated someone who self-identified as fearful avoidant this fall. Side note: I kept seeing her because she said she was in therapy. Unfortunately, it didn't even last two months (and two of the weeks she breadcrumbed me). She didn't even respond to my brief Happy Thanksgiving text. I feel used and discarded. It's horrible.
Although eventually and overtime that supply lessens, even the best ones get older and women see it miles off much quicker. I have a ‘friend’ like this, most handsome guy he was the ‘player’ in the day! Now he’s alone and told me he prefers speaking to strangers than ever letting anyone in, how totally sad but he ain’t willing to heal!
Folks, there is no medicine, no trick, no miracle. I am a fearful avoidant, i am emotionally detached. When i pull away, i dont care. I need my cave time. If you deal with someone with this attachment. Get another. Move on. Forget about it.
I am not sure if mine is dismissive or fearful, she shuts down after opening up each time, in person, she is totally the opposite of when she's on the phone. I called her out and told her that her behaviours hurt me, she dismissed how I felt, called me emotional and has since then totally shut down and avoided me.
@@andreamagyar5541 am I doing right by just letting her be? I did attempt to reach out to ask if she would like to talk things out and I even apologized. It was ignored.
Do tell... I was anxious to begin with and I'm worse now... a year later. I have to act aloof when all I want is show him how much I love him.... spend time with him. . :-(
@cramnergotti5517 I know :-( Just... can't bring music to doing it.. We broke up 2.5 months ago... thought it was done... 3 weeks later, he texted asking me meet him for dinner.. told me he didn't want to lose me.. we got back together... Then a month later he made a comment about how exclusivity is not something he thinks he wants... Main reason we broke up was because I caught him cheating... twice... :-( I know... I lowered my standards and broke my own boundaries one too many times.
The problem is when you learn to let go and move on and they feel safe, they then experience even greater emotional intimacy and then deactivate and run away for good. The first step should always be assessing whether they will commit to doing the hard, grinding work to heal and become secure. If they won't, all the mirroring, twists, letting go and moving on will just lead to even more heartache.
Yeah I am slowly doing exactly this. But the less I am emotionally attached the more I don't want to deal with Dismissive Avoidant attachment. It feels like once I am not emotionally invested, the scale will be tipped in favour of never getting back together. So yeah very relevant conclusion.
There's a philosophy to life that has yet to fail me in any way and it is this- the more you focus on an outcome the less likely that outcome will come to eventuality. Yes, you can occasionally force your will apon the world and sometimes create change. However- the universe ALWAYS rewards flowing with the current. Resistance against the current to force an outcome never has the desired effect
I think DA’s go for anxious attachments intentionally. Maybe not consciously, but it’s intentional by their subconscious. It’s almost like a parasitic relationship. The DA can feed on the anxious person because they know they are willing to stick around for crumbs. They know the anxious will hold on to any shred of hope and tolerate being put in limbo indefinitely. The only way the cycle ever really ends is when one of them breaks from the inevitable toxicity. Usually it’s the DA. We anxious can definitely take a beating. It really is a sick and twisted dynamic
So it is basically the more advanced version of NC... There are two main types of advice on youtube - the plain manipulative NC which focuses only on the mirroring (for 30 days etc') part, But the advanced version nowadays also includes the "do not do NC as a menipulation tactic, truly work on yourself and focus on self growth", which is indeed the healthier version of advice, and when you actually focus on you and living your life, sometimes the wish to get them back does fade away, you meet kinder healthier people, you heal, and gradually you do not see the point in getting back to the troubled ex partner - This is true healing, and some avoidant exes will eat their heart out when it happens, which they deserve, to lose someone who cared so much, whom they devalued, to a point where even the most loving partner gives up and throw in the towel due to avoidant nasty behaviour and priviliged approach, they think it is so easy to find someone who wants to fight for them? Good luck with that...
You described it perfectly 🙏 like my experience with avoidant ex which by the way I didn't know there are attachment styles, when I started healing everything started flowing into my life. Thank God and1 my eyes are wide open now and my wish to be with that person faded. Never again.
You are so correct.. I'm dealing with one too. He is distant again. I'm so ok if he won't comeback. I got so much of patience and understanding but if the cycle keeps on happening repeating how can they be happy. I'm don't think so.. I pity avoidant who's battling lot of things inside them.. fears rejection etc.. I'll move on and heal and find a healthy stable man like me and him I don't know..
How to have an avoidant never pull away again: Educate yourself deeply so you can clock them form 100 clicks and refuse to deal with them in any capacity. They want their independence and aloneness so much. Give it to them indefinitely in spades. Don't let them screw with any more people or especially any kids. These people screw up kids so deeply. This advice is not sustainable, and it's mental game playing.
Not only that, but it's training your brain to detach from people, which is avoidance. Strategies like this create more avoidants and don't foster healing.
12:22 From what I have observed this internal emotional chaos becomes that much more tragically destructive in abusive situationships. When the avoidant is being abused and escapes, their potential susceptibility to “hoovering” is much more pronounced because of the void eventually felt after time apart from their abusers. Ironically the abuse suffered tends to reinforce their avoidant behavior making it harder for avoidants to accept any attachments with healthy, more secure partners.
If someone played games, I'm not chasing her. I've met lot of hot chicks like that. Yeah sex was great. Some I didn't even touch cos of their attitude. For me efforts and loyalty matrers the most. Not someone disrespect my time I've spent with them. That's why I never gave any chicks second chances. If she treat you like an option, then make her your history. You have lot of people in this world whow would appreciate your efforts.
What a fantastic video! My fa keeps doing the pulling away then comes back. I don’t think he knows that he’s an avoidant. I am at the last point you made…letting go to let go not “get my ex” back. It’s been 3 days no texts nothing and hey man I’m not here to convince anyone to stay in my life…you wanna go, then go ❤
Life is too short and filled with other beautiful experiences to vest this much positive energy, love and pain into someone who’s just simply not going to give it back. Not minimizing anyone’s pain right now. I’ve been on the receiving end of it. Wishing everyone the best and let’s start the New year stronger and wiser❤
Amazing video A month ago, my partnership of five years came to an end. The choice to break up with the person I love is something that really gets to me. Even though it's all for nothing, I've done everything I can to get him back, and I couldn't imagine my existence without him. I've tried everything to stop thinking about him, but I still can't help but miss him and think about him often. I don't know why I am saying this here.
Saying goodbye to someone you love is difficult; I know this from my 12-year relationship ending. But I was unable to simply let him go, so I made every effort to get him back. I eventually sought aid from a spiritual counselor, who was able to help me regain his affection.
I just sought him up online thanks to your helpful information. remarkable I just checked Father Obah Eze online, and he's really genuine. Thank you again ❤
I just sought him up online thanks to your helpful information. remarkable I just checked Father Obah Eze online, and he's really genuine. Thank you again ❤
Found out he was an avoidant after 2 years. We were so perfect (in ldr but seeing each other every few weeks).. I had an anxious attachment and after our fight he pretty much has been avoiding me for nearly 2 months.. telling he misses me and only loves me and I’m the only person he has ever loved but that love is not everything. Right now I guess I’m secure attached because what lead to his behaviour was my behaviour.. but still he doesn’t want break up and told me he will visit this month.. I see no reason. I have no hope but love him so much. Therefore I am trying to get used to the disappointment before leaving forever Edit: he also had many life problems at that time and put me away like a chore..
Yep. Like a once favorite toy forgotten on the bottom shelf in the dark closet...until he gets bored and decides he may have time to play just a little bit until he's satisfied again, pulls away, and maybe even forgets all about the abandoned toy because he never knew how to care. How can one remember something one has never had the chance to know????
your experience sounds very similar to my bf of 2 years as well. I am secure and he is actually changing and being better, but it's draining the hell out of me. I love him dearly but I don't know how long I can still keep this up and have been contemplating a breakup especially since he'll be moving 8 hrs away from me for his new job
thank you! I appreciate your honesty and not saying we need to bend to them. Unless there's a debilitating mental illness, they need to fix themselves.
If they don’t follow you anywhere, everything is private and you don’t have similar friends. They’ll never know and will never come back. 6,5 months now and done with thinking about her. No responses, nothing. Even focused on my own life which is amazing again.
Going through this right now, we had an amazing 3 dates, we both wanted a relationship. We hugged, held hands and kissed but she told me things felt too much but wants to work on feeling the same way and to give her time. After the 3rd date, she did the slow fade and ghosted me after 1 week of slow fade. I did send her a last message saying "Hope all is well with you". Luckily I have a great support system to fall back to, I will continue focusing on myself and continue dating to find someone who can return the same effort I put in. If you are going through this, get out and do shit. Get into a new hobby or find a cool group to learn something new.
Three. Dates. ...? She's not an avoidant, she's just avoiding getting involved with you. You need to tread on your own tail, you probably scared the crap out of her
@@harry-james-books it depends, 3 dates in 2 weeks and I agree - some avoidants will do 3 dates over the first 2 months lol - however, at the end of the day - I still agree. no matter what it was, 3 dates isnt enough for it to be anything.
3 dates is way too short to call or think about someone as an avoidant. After 3 dates u barely know each other. Pretty safe to say she wasn't just that into you A kiss or holding hands doesnt mean love. Those are like a picture, it's a moment. I get it that it sucks and hurts if you were really into her but you have to be a bit realistic here.. After all, just be happy she did this after 3 dates instead of after dating for 3 years :)
Mine has totally pulled back and shut down from me. She now so called "runs away" if she even encounters me. I don't know what else to do, but to give her the space and leave her alone.
My avoidant bf is daydreaming about me so hard, haha! I truly let him go awhile back, set my boundaries kindly, and really got working on my own life success. I don't know if he will ever be a decent life companion, and I get to choose how much I want of him, but he sure is chasing me once again.
As an avoidant leaning woman, ALL of us women have to value ourselves and not take someone chasing us as a compliment. It's actions for me. Words mean nothing without actions to back them up. Anyone can chase at the beginning. It's how they show up 6 months down the line that matters. 💕
Why on Earth would I waste my precious Life energy to play games with someone who never wants to build anything? I’d rather give my love, time and effort to those who deserve it, with me at no.1. They can play their games omto their heart’s content, but not with me.
Am literally in the letting go process but what’s hard is he wants to keep me as a friend. The last pull away was him blocking me but he didn’t want to block me this time because last time I got married. Each week he flirts with me but then pulls back again. I know he monitors my social media but now I’m starting to focus on letting go completely and heal my anxious attachment that his avoidance pulled me out of secure attachment into. I’ve been mirroring him not because anyone told me - it became a natural thing that occurred. I felt like I didn’t want to stand here doing nothing - I had enough and so even tho it was painful - after his last message I didn’t reply for 4 days. I could see him reacting in his social media - following and unfollowing people - changing his profile photo and being online more.
So you’re advocating for head games to keep someone who’s already playing head games with your heart. Brilliant; that’s got long term success written all over it.
Just focus on making your life better. You will move on better the more you self center. The ex will matter less the more time you go on like this. This ain't a mind game this is your life
No, it never works if it's cheap games. I believe it's a harder but more lasting change if you actually put the time, value, and energy in to your self and new activities that bring you joy. Avoidants are some times attracted to independence because it's less overwhelming for us.
No, you are not understanding what he is saying in the video. What he advocates (though he qualifies it as not a solution in all cases) is that the most pragmatic course of action is to employ mirroring in the sense you don't want to smother your partner if they are a dismissive avoidant. It is not a "head game" but a natural and pragmatic response to focus on one's self. Your sarcastic tone does not build on the conversation. Rather, it is better to lay out your reasoning and offer a more sensible response.
Man I wish I knew this stuff before my relationship with my DA ex gf ended. These games would have been pretty interesting, at least compared to the brutal rug pull I went through two months ago. I’m honestly cooked. I feel like all these pulling away games would have actually led Me to leave or even cheat. I do pretty well in the dating world myself so enough distance plus a new woman who was interested would be a recipe for disaster. Interesting thought experiment!
My DA guy was on one of the many breaks with his 7 yr avoidant girlfriend, I didn’t know about any of that at the time I started seeing him. I was super into him after a year of friendship where he was definitely into me but I was cool. He gave me the impression he was broken up but that turned out to be a LIE they were on break. He got back with her, I shrugged and said I don’t care. So then he was seeing both of us. Messed me up for a while but then she dumped him because he didn’t want to marry her after all, and honestly neither men of them are marriage material. So now I have him and we are both fairly pleased with our mutually avoidant but much more happy relationship that will never go anywhere. If you are with an avoidant person, don’t expect them to change too much. I’m a DA leaning fearful, which is the only reason I survived the cyclical push pull. If he ever tried to actually pull closer I would run away. BUT if you are a normal person, leave and spare yourself a world of pain. Both of us come from a trauma background so trust issues became MOOT because we trust nobody and you can’t convince us otherwise. But I am driving this bus because of knowledge gained from channels such as this. I don’t WANT a full relationship with this guy. He is an alcoholic.
Ok, how would Bob know that she is becoming better? And don't avoidants not reach out for any reason like 70% of the time? Just move on, and seriously.
I am an avoidant dating another avoidant we avoidant love to have space from our partner time to time and we love the one who can give us that but we get attracted to the one most who can live there life without being clingy to us so people who are dating avoidant let go(give space needed or asked for) and live your life then the one you care about will care for you the most if its genuine and chris keep up the great work your vid and advice are practical and work i follow your magnus oppous and slowly boiling the frog advice by heart it helps now this will be third one i follow by heart on her and on myself
This is what i am doing now. I love my life at the time being, it is finnally going where i want to. At the time its great to be single! Dont need someone at the time. Its me time ❤
These comments are all saying the same thing…some derivative of “they left but came back but will never stay and I don’t care anymore anyway” etc etc coupled with “don’t bother trying they are not worth the effort”. Because it’s all true. Mine I spent years letting go to try to get them to love me the way I needed to be except of course the inevitable happens and I, like all the rest, ended up genuinely letting go because I finally saw the light and healed from needing/ wanting them and now I don’t anymore. Want them. So now they’re back alone and still an avoidant and I have healed so many of my inner wounds related to love and lovability. 🤷♀️
I made the mistake of staying friends with my ex who is an avoidant. I stopped reaching out, she didn’t either. I avoided her when we were in same place (mutual activities). And then eventually unfriended her. She blocked me after that. Not reaching out. 🙄
I gave my 2 year gf plenty of space during the relationship and I was staying busy and doing quite well. She initiated most of the contact, I bought my first house, new car, got a raise, got in great shape etc all within a couple months. I made a passing comment about her previous judgement in men during our last meet and all of a sudden she says she doesn't feel good enough for me and has essentially ghosted me. She has shown some avoidant tendencies and her history with her father abandoning the family gels with that assertion. I don't see the path forward. I can't do less chasing than I have been. Just a lost cause?
My ex DA is very insecure and has low self worth. Despite having a huge ego (mask) I've been gently pursuing him, to show him I am still interested because I know with his self esteem and shame, he will never come back. He tells me he's broken, failing at life, and I deserve better. I'm afraid if I let go. It will confirm that he's all the above and that I am happier and better off without him. Which couldn't be further from the truth. Any advice? I should add, he has NOT responded or pursued me at all in anyway. I am left on read. I have sent him a gift on his bday andeverything, not even a thank you.
He doesn't seriously want you. He keeps telling you that by word & deed. Even when a guy tells you he's not good enough for you, no way will he hurt or keep away from you IF he wants you in his life. No matter what YOU do it won't increase his self worth. But, hurtfully, shatteringly💔 to our own hearts his self esteem will be just dandy in another woman's arms.
@LoveFaithLive I understand this, but my heart doesn't. I hope this makes sense. No need to be cold about it. We were together for many, many years. And it was great until he started having an episode of depression and break downs. Up until that everything was great. I'm not sure what caused the break down or how his mental health is currently. You'd tell me not to care, but I guess empaths just feel and see things differently even if not for the best.
This kind of thinking has kept me stuck before, because you're right: If you leave, you reinforce his belief that he doesn't deserve love. If you stay, you reinforce his belief that he doesn't deserve love. At the end of the day, you're going to trigger a core wound and a faulty belief system, because their entire life is structured to reinforce these beliefs. And you have to honestly ask yourself if it's worth this level of nonsense.
This is completely heartbreaking.. the emotional chaos and volatility makes me feel like there is very little hope of ever having a loving and lasting relationship with my Avoidant.. I am not willing to break up with him just on the 50/50 chance that he might come back to me and want to stay... that feels like playing Russian roulette.. surely there HAS to be another, healthier way....
We really loved the version of them initially when the relationship wasn't real yet. Emotionally available, expressive, loving, disguised as a secure attacher. That was them with the mask on, and once it falls off, it is never coming back, almost all the time. Not with avoidants anyway. If they behaved like what they were as they deactivated, you wouldn't be attracted to them at all. We yearn for that person we think "its still somewhere in there" and we try to make it come back. The healing will never be on your terms, all your love, patience, care will mean absolutely zero until they pluck up the courage to face their fears. Leave and just take it that for 2-3 months they gave you the best time you ever had with a partner, it will be never be anything more than a memory.
Fellow APs, can we please just stop working so hard to try to get people who do not want to love us like we need to to love us? For once!...but we are die hards when it comes to love and maybe we can't help ourselves but this is worth considering, really.
As an Anxious I have come to the same conclusion, though it's hard to do the pullback fully. The changing the dynamic is also definitely true - why does it work? Likely it triggers a bit of self-reflection on the Avoidant's side
Detatch from every thought of them. They're perpetually in love with ANYTHING that's UNREACHABLE. So move on. Become permanently unavailable. It's the healthiest, most respectful thing for everyone.
Let's take wagers: I got closure with my dismissive avoidant a week ago. He wants to be friends, but I wouldn't make any promises. (But at least I got my stuff back and two apologies!) Now, I know I can't be friends. He's just too good at the push/pull back-and-forth game. He's texting - of course (3 so far) and I'm simply not responding. The wager: How many texts before he: a) pointedly asks me if I'm ignoring him, (b) tries to track me down in person, or (c) gives up (Note: We are now in the same country for a few weeks, so there is a "window" of time.)
2:53 "Miranda subtly starts to signal her own independence..." Come on now, let's call it what it is. She's figuring out she can't rely on this guy to meet her needs and is seeking for them to be met elsewhere. What avoidants need to understand is that if someone is actually mirroring your lack of interest, THEY'RE LOSING INTEREST. If they're reallocating their energies, they're learning they can't rely on you. Is that really the message you want to send them?
No point trying to dance around someone else's dysfunctions, you cannot make up for anyone's limitations, it's for them to heal and make the effort to be in a relationship. Mirror them and carry on enjoying your life, nobody can carry a relationship on their own, against an avoidant's will. Once they showed you who they are, taking them back means you subscribe putting up with their issues over and over again as they will carry on being dysfunctional even if they try to heal. Think yourself lucky if the avoidant doesn't come back, you dodged a bullet. Bye, next.
I as an anxious avoidant who is in therapy and healing, have now so much selfesteem, that I just want to leave them, they run away let them run away. I just don't care.
Can you actually have a lasting relationship with an avoidant ? My girl , seems to look for flaws to create something that isn't real,causes disagreements then says she's hurt and detaches. I love her and care but the inconsistency drives me nuts sometimes 🤦
i disagree. it still would be too much effort to not show your needs when all you want is reliable love. no no. walk away and let the avoidants heal, and if they don't do the work, walk away. master the disaster 😁
Update: that day, he came back and asked me if I was waiting for him…. He told me he is seeing someone but being with them is not the same. He wanted to maintain friendship and FWB…. WTF bro? I am going away tomorrow and looking at moving interstate. Today he messaged and said ‘you should take the job it’s cheaper there and you can grow and make more money’… huh? But I know that as soon as I go, he will want me to come back again…. But i won’t be able to.
He broke things off, I tried to ask how’s things and if he wants to meet and chat like friends. Didn’t want to loose contact entirely. He was angry at me and asked for space. Gave some and offering to let me know if he wishes to hang out as I hold no bad feelings. Blocked me. It was all 6 months ago. Not sure if there are any chances left, but I genuinely wish that we could keep some sort of contact after all ended for some important reasons. If you have any advices or comments, I’d like to hear them out.. peace 🙏🏻
i quote @Mudpuppyjunior who also posted here: "The problem is when you learn to let go and move on and they feel safe, they then experience even greater emotional intimacy and then deactivate and run away for good. The first step should always be assessing whether they will commit to doing the hard, grinding work to heal and become secure. If they won't, all the mirroring, twists, letting go and moving on will just lead to even more heartache." This is correct in my opinion and experience. Best wishes 💛
Okay, I'm seven minutes in and I've got to ask, if you're mirroring the avoidants behavior in terms of distancing, then how does the avoidant even know that you've reconnected with your hobbies, other friends, getting better in touch with your boundaries. How does he or she know this if they're not contacting you (getting this 'space' he claims to need) to know WHAT you're doing, and you're not contacting them because you're 'mirroring' them? Do you randomly park your car in front of the restaurant he passes by on his way home from work so he'll see it and maybe drop by just in time to see you sitting with a table full of friends and folk?
@@barbarawiacek6557 Oh, PSYCHIC ENERGY!!! LOL It's possible, though since it's my belief that avoidants don't dislike the person they're running from. They're afraid of that person's ENERGY. The power they could have over the avoidant. Sounds like avoidants aren't overwhelmed by just some random chick or dude. They're overwhelmed and distressed by what they're afraid to feel for folks they actually have feelings for.
@sherrymshephard-massat5929 yes, if they have no feelings for you, then they're just not that into you (in that sense anyone can be labelled avoidant). The avoidant attachment is when there are feelings involved but the person chooses to repress them.
If people are married, sisters or brothers ..this video would be valuable. (will still be there at least =won't escape😊 = learn the appropriate distance for successful marriage ).. but if no marriage is there the only solution is never to accept the relationship again because it will destruct you 100% .Anyone who insist to Chace the avoidant is like that chasing the horizon.. he will be kept avoidant = come & goes & breaks you several times till destroys you. .
The Avoidant wants Tobe secure deep.. hence attract to Secure. If secre changes the Avoidant s attraction is lost. It the Secure OK independent draws the Avoidant. This can lead to an Avoidant becoming secure to some level.
@@cramnergotti5517 there is nothing you can do or say when they ar deactivated is like speacking to a wall But there is a hope show patience understanding giving them space to heal and if you're still in contact like in my case show emphaty
"It was very cinematic and symbolic that while this beautiful woman was unlocking the door to her home to let us in, she said, "I'm avoidant." I ran up to the doorstep from the garden in the nightfall to join her and I said, "Me too," and she let me in. When she visited me, I told her the door was unlocked and she could come right in. She did, and was greeted warmly. I miss her." -- C.C. Brewer
It makes sense of Part 2 showing she is going on without him sounds like she is posting on FB of what she is doing & he see's that so you can say he is Jealous that's all there is to it is she with another guy or women friends? Now if she posted with male & women friends oh,yeah that will make him think.
Via social media, or shared friends, seeing her out and about, bumping into her while she's with a new guy and so forth... it's easier to "show" you have moved on and living la vida loca nowadays...
So what do I do? I have push my avoidant to the point where I haven’t heard from her in over a year now! I still think about her every day. I have been leaving her alone and allowing her to open up in her own way.
Happened with me got few problems in my life noticed her pulling away I resisted for 1 month and a half before asking what's rong and 2 weeks later she discarded me and fell instant anxiety 😅😅
If an avoidant wants to " pull away" let them. They are doing you a huge favor... You'll realize that you saved yourself from alot of heartbreak and trauma.. They are not worth it period....❤
If an avoidant so be it, they come back the same way - an avoidant. I doubt they'll stay faithful. I'd rather have faithful. Sure they may marry someone else, but they tend to come back to & for your body. If that's enough for you, so be it.
The problem is, it does NOT work with avoidant women. If they detach, women just do not care what the men just do at all. They just do not look back at all. I did it all. I reacted cool and started to live my own life. I started to make art again and bought a yacht with another woman. And my avoidant ex just moved on and find another man fast. She was very proud of it and sent nasty messages to me.
@@cramnergotti5517 I did not block her. I do not block anybody. Anyway, she just wrote me that she has a new boyfriend and he is very nice man and a way better than me. PS. We did not have any problems with each other before she dumped me out of the blue.
So to sum up this video... they will only start to miss you when you have moved on (alone or with someone else), what is in it for us, then? I do not care if he starts daydreaming about our relationship after I have moved on? I want him to realise things now and take therapy and work towards a healthy relationship. We have broken up a month ago and I would still be willing to rekindle the relationship if I see that he is willing to put in the work.
![BLACK BAG - Official Trailer [HD] - Only in Theaters March 14](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Du0Xp8WX_7I/mqdefault.jpg)
We don’t want them to come back we want them to GROW.
From someone who was DA/FA, if I could do it, they can do it.
The world is increasingly built around avoidance; video games, social media, VR, and every pre-existing technology and activity are all ways to escape and avoid.
They need to do the work and sit with themselves.
They need to do hemispheric lateralization journaling and reconnnect the hemispheres of their mind.
They need to learn that emotions are not bad, and that they are useful messages your body and mind are sending you.
Yes and they need to learn all of that without you in their life.
💜💜💜
you are so damned right I'm an FA but in therapy and healing.
Two months later, I have begun letting go so much…that I might actually have almost let go. Unless she calls me this weekend and says she’s in therapy and wants me back…I’m pretty much 90% out the door for good. I’m actually planning on moving to another state next month so unless she comes running after me at the airport I think this is going to be a life lesson for both of us, and that’s it. No rekindling this toxic dynamic, no restarting the flame.
I deserve better.
That’s AWESOME!!!! You are one of the lucky ones that see their worth and move on!! I applaud you. That’s very healthy. 😊🎉
Yes you do deserve better. if you are thinking that her running after you in the airport will change anything think again and watch also Coach Ryan. Avoidants repeat cycles over and over again until they seek professional help and actually do the work. It's a viscous cycle and very damaging for mental health by being on receiving end.
Well done, Anthony. Follow through, my friend.
they only care about themselves sadly
@@anthonyc5039 you don't need to relocate.
Just write and pin on the wall the bad things they did to you in particular how they kept distance when you needed them. Be angry enough and you won't want them anymore.
I live with my ex avoidant in the same residential area . It no longer affects me.
We just say hi from a distance
I have already let go since early October.
I am very happy and more concious of different attachments.
Whoever is hurting , may you recover soon.
It is better to let go than be breadcrumbled .
You will surely heal and ecover.
Just move on and leave them in the dust. Mine came back to me several times and kept leaving me after several months or sooner. I am over it. I don’t know why we have videos telling people how to get their avoidant ex back. It’s kind of ridiculous. They don’t deserve you. Let them be miserable and alone. Seriously.
👏Well said unfortunately
👍💯👏
Sooooooo serious
Took me over a year of chasing trying to win her back before I realized....what am I doing? I found a waaay better woman who WANTS and DESIRES to be with me and be close to me and now laugh at my old pathetic self. Oh and the best part? My DA ex is MISERABLE now realizing she lost a good thing with a man that truly loved her. Yeah...ya messed up, im out and now you're stuck with your decisions. Bye 🎉❤😂
I want to know, do they said this time they Won't come back & still came back?
And did it happen more than once with any of u?
I’ve done this for years. He always comes back. He always will but it doesn’t matter because he will never stay. It’s been a great learning experience. I know I will never have the relationship I want with an avoidant. I wish him healing and let go of all hope. What a relief it is.
How many years? Just curious that's all. I'm in the same boat
I got out of a long term relationship with an avoidant, who keeps coming back and making fake promises, just to pull away every time. I hate that they have this much power over me, knowing I still love someone who hurt me. What makes it hard is that we have a kid together, and I want to so badly break this cycle yet someone I can’t.
How many years
exactly getting them back is not really hard.. they always come… but they never change so whats the point?!
🎉🎉🎉
I have been mirroring my avoidant husband's behaviors for the past 3 years and it has really worked, he treats me much better, but now I avoid him like the plague. My entire personality has changed. Thanks to videos like this I figured out what is going on. Getting a divorce.
Have you tried talking about it ???
Good on you.
so you became avoidant too ?😅
@@ci6516 Have you ever TRIED to talk to an avoidant??? All they do is AVOID RESPONSIBILITY
Congratulations on your growth and I deeply wish you the best. Wishing your next love is a SECURE one❤
As an avoidant, I say fk avoidants. We are like feral cats. You can try to love us, try to care for us but ppl like me will never fully trust, no matter how solid you are. One imaginary “false move” and we’re gone, one foot always out the door. I’m in pain and I wish I could change but this is like an inescapable matrix that you, if secure and just wanting to build something with someone, don’t deserve.
Heyhey,
i agree that it mostly makes no sense to date an unhealed avoidant.
i'm sorry you are in pain. in case you want to heal, adam lane smith seems an experienced therapist & coach.
Virtual hug, i've been through a lot too.
Question.. do you want to change?
@@ToniChavis_1969 I do. ..and I've been working on it for many years. I was listening to this earlier and just got really angry and defensive for everyone coming here bc they love someone like me. I feel both sides of it and I'm just so sorry.
@@CeciledeLuire Yes, He's phenomenal, thank you, working on it day by day.
Your self-awareness is refreshing . . . and tragic. I'm sorry for you. I wish you the very best in trying to figure it out. I don't know you, but I feel pretty dang confident you can. Chin up and keep working.
I did that. She came back, fascinated. The spark was there again. And then she was gone, again. Nothing works, if avoidants don't want to work on their trauma.
This is the most true statement. I'm avoidant dismissive. And I'm at a point I really want to change that. I've been in therapy for a while now and god DAMN this shit is painful as fuck. But in with a guy now I really really want it to work. So I'm making myself go through this pain because he deserves better from me and I want to be better. So I'd agree, until the avoidant wants to do the work themselves it's a lost cause.
Maybe they don't want to work on their trauma because they know it will only result in further abuse. They are also aware that even when they try their hardest to fix their issues the end result will be that once again they are abandoned.
@@kristeneichhorn6913 sure there are cases like that. In my case, I never abused her in any way. And I would never abandon her. I truly love her and want to stick with her. But leaving a conversation half way and disappearing for weaks without an explanation is more than I am ready to handle. There must be responsability on both sides.
This is 100% true
once she came you have to stay avoidant to keep them..🙃
pretty much once they discard - it really is time to let go. No matter what you do they will just leave anyway and you can't change them. In the end it was probably not love for them anyway. We are just people that serve a purpose in the moment when they crave connection for a short lived time.
I agree but what if it’s a 7 year relationship? Why stay with someone that long if you don’t love them?
@@derekazyan9942same question. That baffles me too. Because we put up with their crap that long? That’s all I can figure.
That sounds like a narcissist not an avoidant
your comment is too much a surface level analysis
@angeltrustlove maybe - but shouldn’t be over analysing either. It ends up ruining your mental health and your own security and happiness.
It’s so cruel. You think every time they come back, that they still love you and care, but it’s selfish. They know that you will give in. It sucks knowing I’m not strong enough to let go and yet I know that’s the only way for this cycle to end. It’s weird how confident I was before my ltr ended and now I have never felt so low in self worth from all the lies and fake promises.
I know exactly how you feel. Being an empath you forgive over and over and over again only to be left time and time again. Sometimes you need to choose yourself over the love you have for them. If you want the cycle to end, blocking all communication is the only answer. Stay strong !!
Do nothing ! Let them go ! It’s the only way. The way you feel about a person is different than 1)how THEY make you feel or 2) how THEY feel about you . The way they make you feel is the only reality of this relationship. If they make you feel anxious and sad- this is what the relationship is all about . When you realise that , a lot will make sense in your life .
I love this concept. I first heard it from Matthew Hussey, who explained it beautifully. And it is so true. We have to anchor ourselves in our reality--and let the avoidants go. They need to heal and to the work; no tricks or tactics are worth any avoidant.
This is a good video on the subject. Sometimes letting go has the paradoxical effect of the person returning, sometimes it has the effect of helping us to handle (learn how to manage) our neediness and redirect our energy towards those who truly appreciate us
Well said.
Well said.
If you're with an avoidant you should pray they pull away and leave you. It's a fools errand trying to connect with an avoidant.
1) then don't? 2) stop generalizing. 3) I wouldn't wanna talk to you since your mind's already made up to not even get to know someone.
I also don't think you shoudl be giving out dating advice because if you're with an avoidant who is upsetting you, why should you pray they pull away and leave? Don't you have that power yourself? Avoidant people aren't gonna stick around where they're not wanted. Speaking of a fool. Neaderthal Natty indeed. "When people tell you who they are, listen."
@CovetAmory the problem is she didn't even know she was an avoidant and I didn't either. I figured it out later and if I ever meet another avoidant I'm gone as soon as I realize it.
In October we broke up. We had minor contact after the break up because she had some of my things. When I got my stuff back we talked and didn’t get back together. I didn’t beg or bother her much after the break up. I only asked for my things. I did ask for her back once we saw each other again to get my things back. She said no. When I saw she had no emotion until we hugged then she cracked and broke down. When we hugged I could tell she was smelling me and began to sob. She said she was ok with the decision. I’m hurting pretty bad. She said she won’t block me but she also said it was nice to see me on last time. I want to reach out so bad but I know that it’s just over. I have hope because she won’t block me and said that she liked the idea of still having a way to contact(phone number, social, etc.) this gave me false hope that maybe one day we’ll talk again. I can feel it in my instincts that it’s just not going to happen again. I hate myself for falling for her knowing it was all going to end so badly.
I hope we both can let go some day soon.. stay strong, friend. ❤
Trust me it could have have ended worse
If you haven't stopped talking to her yet, do it NOW.
Why would you settle for being friendzoned?
And she 100% will be seeing other guys.
Do not...DO NOT break no contact.
Save yourself now before you become a shell if a man
Yes, you are hurting so bad...I left my husband after 37 years. I felt like my flesh us splitting in 2. People take it 1 day at the time, I used to survive 1 breath at the time.
But slowly you will recover....IF YOU FORGIVE YOURSELF AND WORK ON YOU as to why are you attracted to a person who is not emotionally available.
Please understand, is not you.
Is her. If those tears were real,she would gave been in your arms right now
Take care of you
@@TestimonyOfYeshuaso true. And 37 years wow that must feel really terrible
I had the most beautiful closure with my DA ex last weekend. I was able to get all of my stuff back (except for some pillow he kept because it smelled like me, like whatever,) and I was able to actually get a couple of apologies and a number of admissions. He wants to be friends, but I can't let that push and pull continue anymore. This time, no contact means just not responding to his messages anymore.
I think this is going to be my mover very soon. I am happy that you are putting yourself first. Kudos!
Not enough, block him. Or he will say something that you can't refuse. I would as one.
@@blood_n_guts_murphy I don't need to block him. I'm over it.
It’s hard to do because when you love someone you WANT them in your life.
That's how you know they don't love you. You're just convenient for them to use sometimes.
You don't want anyone who doesn't want you.
I stopped him from pulling away by sending him my divorce letter when he distanced himself lol!
Ugh, listening to this is so exhausting. Choose people who choose you. Period.
If an avoidant (male or female) habitually leans into monkey branching, they aren't ever going 'backwards'. This is especially the case if the avoidant is very attractive. They have an endless supply of options to focus on as they leave an ex behind (and also conveniently avoid having to face the pain they have caused to the ex).
I wonder if this happened when I dated someone who self-identified as fearful avoidant this fall. Side note: I kept seeing her because she said she was in therapy. Unfortunately, it didn't even last two months (and two of the weeks she breadcrumbed me). She didn't even respond to my brief Happy Thanksgiving text. I feel used and discarded. It's horrible.
Although eventually and overtime that supply lessens, even the best ones get older and women see it miles off much quicker. I have a ‘friend’ like this, most handsome guy he was the ‘player’ in the day! Now he’s alone and told me he prefers speaking to strangers than ever letting anyone in, how totally sad but he ain’t willing to heal!
Folks, there is no medicine, no trick, no miracle.
I am a fearful avoidant, i am emotionally detached.
When i pull away, i dont care.
I need my cave time.
If you deal with someone with this attachment.
Get another. Move on. Forget about it.
I am not sure if mine is dismissive or fearful, she shuts down after opening up each time, in person, she is totally the opposite of when she's on the phone. I called her out and told her that her behaviours hurt me, she dismissed how I felt, called me emotional and has since then totally shut down and avoided me.
I'm very sorry to hear that.
@@andreamagyar5541 am I doing right by just letting her be? I did attempt to reach out to ask if she would like to talk things out and I even apologized. It was ignored.
@@andreamagyar5541 Sorry to disturb, roughly how long does this period of pulling away last?
Q: what makes you start your relationships?
Avoid avoidants. You have much more interesting ways to waste your time
Best line in this entire thread!
I can’t tolerate that idiotic games of avoidants…so avoid I shall.
Do tell... I was anxious to begin with and I'm worse now... a year later.
I have to act aloof when all I want is show him how much I love him.... spend time with him. .
:-(
@@livbar If you have to be someone you're not, it's time to leave that "relationship".
@cramnergotti5517 I know :-(
Just... can't bring music to doing it..
We broke up 2.5 months ago... thought it was done... 3 weeks later, he texted asking me meet him for dinner.. told me he didn't want to lose me.. we got back together...
Then a month later he made a comment about how exclusivity is not something he thinks he wants...
Main reason we broke up was because I caught him cheating... twice...
:-(
I know... I lowered my standards and broke my own boundaries one too many times.
Don’t take them back. Truth is. They’ll do this to other people.
An authentic letting go vs an authentic mask , thank you Chris ❤
The problem is when you learn to let go and move on and they feel safe, they then experience even greater emotional intimacy and then deactivate and run away for good.
The first step should always be assessing whether they will commit to doing the hard, grinding work to heal and become secure.
If they won't, all the mirroring, twists, letting go and moving on will just lead to even more heartache.
fully agreed!
Yeah I am slowly doing exactly this. But the less I am emotionally attached the more I don't want to deal with Dismissive Avoidant attachment. It feels like once I am not emotionally invested, the scale will be tipped in favour of never getting back together. So yeah very relevant conclusion.
There's a philosophy to life that has yet to fail me in any way and it is this- the more you focus on an outcome the less likely that outcome will come to eventuality. Yes, you can occasionally force your will apon the world and sometimes create change. However- the universe ALWAYS rewards flowing with the current. Resistance against the current to force an outcome never has the desired effect
I think DA’s go for anxious attachments intentionally. Maybe not consciously, but it’s intentional by their subconscious. It’s almost like a parasitic relationship. The DA can feed on the anxious person because they know they are willing to stick around for crumbs. They know the anxious will hold on to any shred of hope and tolerate being put in limbo indefinitely. The only way the cycle ever really ends is when one of them breaks from the inevitable toxicity. Usually it’s the DA. We anxious can definitely take a beating. It really is a sick and twisted dynamic
So it is basically the more advanced version of NC...
There are two main types of advice on youtube - the plain manipulative NC which focuses only on the mirroring (for 30 days etc') part,
But the advanced version nowadays also includes the "do not do NC as a menipulation tactic, truly work on yourself and focus on self growth", which is indeed the healthier version of advice, and when you actually focus on you and living your life, sometimes the wish to get them back does fade away, you meet kinder healthier people, you heal, and gradually you do not see the point in getting back to the troubled ex partner -
This is true healing, and some avoidant exes will eat their heart out when it happens, which they deserve, to lose someone who cared so much, whom they devalued, to a point where even the most loving partner gives up and throw in the towel due to avoidant nasty behaviour and priviliged approach, they think it is so easy to find someone who wants to fight for them? Good luck with that...
You described it perfectly 🙏 like my experience with avoidant ex which by the way I didn't know there are attachment styles, when I started healing everything started flowing into my life. Thank God and1 my eyes are wide open now and my wish to be with that person faded. Never again.
You are so correct.. I'm dealing with one too. He is distant again. I'm so ok if he won't comeback. I got so much of patience and understanding but if the cycle keeps on happening repeating how can they be happy. I'm don't think so.. I pity avoidant who's battling lot of things inside them.. fears rejection etc.. I'll move on and heal and find a healthy stable man like me and him I don't know..
Can you make a video on how to not get them back but just get over it when there is codependency? It’s been a year I need to let this go
Time
You've basically answered yourself, stop seeking answers from the outside, they're within you
Coda
You are doing great
Mine asked if I cried when he pulled away I said no he looked so surprised 😂
Mine asked if he broke my heart 😂 after 5 months . What ??!!!!
@staceym4469 hopefully u said no
Bruh. These are such narcissistic questions to ask.
@@ericabaysinger6343I did lol !!!
Dang it’s like he hoped to hurt you…
I don’t give af about the person I was into anymore but I still love watching these 😂 if you guys ever made diffrent content I’m here for it!
How to have an avoidant never pull away again: Educate yourself deeply so you can clock them form 100 clicks and refuse to deal with them in any capacity.
They want their independence and aloneness so much. Give it to them indefinitely in spades. Don't let them screw with any more people or especially any kids. These people screw up kids so deeply.
This advice is not sustainable, and it's mental game playing.
Not only that, but it's training your brain to detach from people, which is avoidance. Strategies like this create more avoidants and don't foster healing.
One of the best explanations thus far
12:22 From what I have observed this internal emotional chaos becomes that much more tragically destructive in abusive situationships. When the avoidant is being abused and escapes, their potential susceptibility to “hoovering” is much more pronounced because of the void eventually felt after time apart from their abusers. Ironically the abuse suffered tends to reinforce their avoidant behavior making it harder for avoidants to accept any attachments with healthy, more secure partners.
If someone played games, I'm not chasing her. I've met lot of hot chicks like that. Yeah sex was great. Some I didn't even touch cos of their attitude. For me efforts and loyalty matrers the most. Not someone disrespect my time I've spent with them. That's why I never gave any chicks second chances. If she treat you like an option, then make her your history. You have lot of people in this world whow would appreciate your efforts.
healthy attitude, congrats.
What a fantastic video! My fa keeps doing the pulling away then comes back. I don’t think he knows that he’s an avoidant. I am at the last point you made…letting go to let go not “get my ex” back. It’s been 3 days no texts nothing and hey man I’m not here to convince anyone to stay in my life…you wanna go, then go ❤
Life is too short and filled with other beautiful experiences to vest this much positive energy, love and pain into someone who’s just simply not going to give it back. Not minimizing anyone’s pain right now. I’ve been on the receiving end of it. Wishing everyone the best and let’s start the New year stronger and wiser❤
Amazing video A month ago, my partnership of five years came to an end. The choice to break up with the person I love is something that really gets to me. Even though it's all for nothing, I've done everything I can to get him back, and I couldn't imagine my existence without him. I've tried everything to stop thinking about him, but I still can't help but miss him and think about him often. I don't know why I am saying this here.
Saying goodbye to someone you love is difficult; I know this from my 12-year relationship ending. But I was unable to simply let him go, so I made every effort to get him back. I eventually sought aid from a spiritual counselor, who was able to help me regain his affection.
It's interesting! How can I contact a spiritual counselor most efficiently, and how did you find one?
He can assist you; he is Father Obah Eze, and he possesses immense powers.
I just sought him up online thanks to your helpful information. remarkable
I just checked Father Obah Eze online, and he's really genuine. Thank you again ❤
I just sought him up online thanks to your helpful information. remarkable
I just checked Father Obah Eze online, and he's really genuine. Thank you again ❤
By walking away from the avoidant haha
Found out he was an avoidant after 2 years. We were so perfect (in ldr but seeing each other every few weeks).. I had an anxious attachment and after our fight he pretty much has been avoiding me for nearly 2 months.. telling he misses me and only loves me and I’m the only person he has ever loved but that love is not everything. Right now I guess I’m secure attached because what lead to his behaviour was my behaviour.. but still he doesn’t want break up and told me he will visit this month.. I see no reason. I have no hope but love him so much. Therefore I am trying to get used to the disappointment before leaving forever
Edit: he also had many life problems at that time and put me away like a chore..
Yep. Like a once favorite toy forgotten on the bottom shelf in the dark closet...until he gets bored and decides he may have time to play just a little bit until he's satisfied again, pulls away, and maybe even forgets all about the abandoned toy because he never knew how to care. How can one remember something one has never had the chance to know????
your experience sounds very similar to my bf of 2 years as well. I am secure and he is actually changing and being better, but it's draining the hell out of me. I love him dearly but I don't know how long I can still keep this up and have been contemplating a breakup especially since he'll be moving 8 hrs away from me for his new job
thank you! I appreciate your honesty and not saying we need to bend to them. Unless there's a debilitating mental illness, they need to fix themselves.
If they don’t follow you anywhere, everything is private and you don’t have similar friends. They’ll never know and will never come back. 6,5 months now and done with thinking about her. No responses, nothing. Even focused on my own life which is amazing again.
Going through this right now, we had an amazing 3 dates, we both wanted a relationship. We hugged, held hands and kissed but she told me things felt too much but wants to work on feeling the same way and to give her time. After the 3rd date, she did the slow fade and ghosted me after 1 week of slow fade. I did send her a last message saying "Hope all is well with you". Luckily I have a great support system to fall back to, I will continue focusing on myself and continue dating to find someone who can return the same effort I put in. If you are going through this, get out and do shit. Get into a new hobby or find a cool group to learn something new.
Three. Dates. ...? She's not an avoidant, she's just avoiding getting involved with you. You need to tread on your own tail, you probably scared the crap out of her
@@harry-james-books it depends, 3 dates in 2 weeks and I agree - some avoidants will do 3 dates over the first 2 months lol - however, at the end of the day - I still agree. no matter what it was, 3 dates isnt enough for it to be anything.
3 dates is way too short to call or think about someone as an avoidant.
After 3 dates u barely know each other.
Pretty safe to say she wasn't just that into you
A kiss or holding hands doesnt mean love. Those are like a picture, it's a moment.
I get it that it sucks and hurts if you were really into her but you have to be a bit realistic here..
After all, just be happy she did this after 3 dates instead of after dating for 3 years :)
You’re fenomenal with this content
Mine has totally pulled back and shut down from me. She now so called "runs away" if she even encounters me. I don't know what else to do, but to give her the space and leave her alone.
I told my avoidant to leave and to never contact me ever again. Felt so good. He needs help and used me for free counseling
My avoidant bf is daydreaming about me so hard, haha! I truly let him go awhile back, set my boundaries kindly, and really got working on my own life success. I don't know if he will ever be a decent life companion, and I get to choose how much I want of him, but he sure is chasing me once again.
As an avoidant leaning woman, ALL of us women have to value ourselves and not take someone chasing us as a compliment. It's actions for me. Words mean nothing without actions to back them up. Anyone can chase at the beginning. It's how they show up 6 months down the line that matters. 💕
❤ Oh man I love this channel 💪🏼😎👌🏼... Thankyou x
They have to cure themselves.
Why on Earth would I waste my precious Life energy to play games with someone who never wants to build anything? I’d rather give my love, time and effort to those who deserve it, with me at no.1. They can play their games omto their heart’s content, but not with me.
Am literally in the letting go process but what’s hard is he wants to keep me as a friend. The last pull away was him blocking me but he didn’t want to block me this time because last time I got married. Each week he flirts with me but then pulls back again. I know he monitors my social media but now I’m starting to focus on letting go completely and heal my anxious attachment that his avoidance pulled me out of secure attachment into. I’ve been mirroring him not because anyone told me - it became a natural thing that occurred. I felt like I didn’t want to stand here doing nothing - I had enough and so even tho it was painful - after his last message I didn’t reply for 4 days. I could see him reacting in his social media - following and unfollowing people - changing his profile photo and being online more.
So you’re advocating for head games to keep someone who’s already playing head games with your heart. Brilliant; that’s got long term success written all over it.
Just focus on making your life better. You will move on better the more you self center. The ex will matter less the more time you go on like this. This ain't a mind game this is your life
Ridiculously corruptly absolutely correct
Sadly lol
No, it never works if it's cheap games. I believe it's a harder but more lasting change if you actually put the time, value, and energy in to your self and new activities that bring you joy. Avoidants are some times attracted to independence because it's less overwhelming for us.
Getting on with your life after breakup even a temporary breakup is as far away from head games as East is to West❤
No, you are not understanding what he is saying in the video. What he advocates (though he qualifies it as not a solution in all cases) is that the most pragmatic course of action is to employ mirroring in the sense you don't want to smother your partner if they are a dismissive avoidant. It is not a "head game" but a natural and pragmatic response to focus on one's self. Your sarcastic tone does not build on the conversation. Rather, it is better to lay out your reasoning and offer a more sensible response.
Man I wish I knew this stuff before my relationship with my DA ex gf ended. These games would have been pretty interesting, at least compared to the brutal rug pull I went through two months ago. I’m honestly cooked.
I feel like all these pulling away games would have actually led Me to leave or even cheat. I do pretty well in the dating world myself so enough distance plus a new woman who was interested would be a recipe for disaster.
Interesting thought experiment!
My DA guy was on one of the many breaks with his 7 yr avoidant girlfriend, I didn’t know about any of that at the time I started seeing him. I was super into him after a year of friendship where he was definitely into me but I was cool. He gave me the impression he was broken up but that turned out to be a LIE they were on break. He got back with her, I shrugged and said I don’t care. So then he was seeing both of us. Messed me up for a while but then she dumped him because he didn’t want to marry her after all, and honestly neither men of them are marriage material. So now I have him and we are both fairly pleased with our mutually avoidant but much more happy relationship that will never go anywhere. If you are with an avoidant person, don’t expect them to change too much. I’m a DA leaning fearful, which is the only reason I survived the cyclical push pull. If he ever tried to actually pull closer I would run away. BUT if you are a normal person, leave and spare yourself a world of pain. Both of us come from a trauma background so trust issues became MOOT because we trust nobody and you can’t convince us otherwise. But I am driving this bus because of knowledge gained from channels such as this. I don’t WANT a full relationship with this guy. He is an alcoholic.
Ok, how would Bob know that she is becoming better? And don't avoidants not reach out for any reason like 70% of the time? Just move on, and seriously.
Exactly. Especially in my case which was a ldr, lol.
They won't know. They move on figuring you have too and don't contact you.
I am an avoidant dating another avoidant we avoidant love to have space from our partner time to time and we love the one who can give us that but we get attracted to the one most who can live there life without being clingy to us so people who are dating avoidant let go(give space needed or asked for) and live your life then the one you care about will care for you the most if its genuine and chris keep up the great work your vid and advice are practical and work i follow your magnus oppous and slowly boiling the frog advice by heart it helps now this will be third one i follow by heart on her and on myself
@@nazgames1524 what da fudge, man i think you live on an avoidant island.🤣🤣🤣 Get REALLLLLLLL bro !!!!!
This is what i am doing now. I love my life at the time being, it is finnally going where i want to. At the time its great to be single! Dont need someone at the time. Its me time ❤
My sister started to started to live her own life and ended up divorcing her
husband. It's depended on personality of each person.
These comments are all saying the same thing…some derivative of “they left but came back but will never stay and I don’t care anymore anyway” etc etc coupled with “don’t bother trying they are not worth the effort”. Because it’s all true. Mine I spent years letting go to try to get them to love me the way I needed to be except of course the inevitable happens and I, like all the rest, ended up genuinely letting go because I finally saw the light and healed from needing/ wanting them and now I don’t anymore. Want them. So now they’re back alone and still an avoidant and I have healed so many of my inner wounds related to love and lovability. 🤷♀️
I made the mistake of staying friends with my ex who is an avoidant. I stopped reaching out, she didn’t either. I avoided her when we were in same place (mutual activities). And then eventually unfriended her. She blocked me after that. Not reaching out. 🙄
I gave my 2 year gf plenty of space during the relationship and I was staying busy and doing quite well. She initiated most of the contact, I bought my first house, new car, got a raise, got in great shape etc all within a couple months. I made a passing comment about her previous judgement in men during our last meet and all of a sudden she says she doesn't feel good enough for me and has essentially ghosted me. She has shown some avoidant tendencies and her history with her father abandoning the family gels with that assertion. I don't see the path forward. I can't do less chasing than I have been. Just a lost cause?
My ex DA is very insecure and has low self worth. Despite having a huge ego (mask) I've been gently pursuing him, to show him I am still interested because I know with his self esteem and shame, he will never come back. He tells me he's broken, failing at life, and I deserve better. I'm afraid if I let go. It will confirm that he's all the above and that I am happier and better off without him. Which couldn't be further from the truth. Any advice? I should add, he has NOT responded or pursued me at all in anyway. I am left on read. I have sent him a gift on his bday andeverything, not even a thank you.
He doesn't seriously want you. He keeps telling you that by word & deed. Even when a guy tells you he's not good enough for you, no way will he hurt or keep away from you IF he wants you in his life. No matter what YOU do it won't increase his self worth. But, hurtfully, shatteringly💔 to our own hearts his self esteem will be just dandy in another woman's arms.
@LoveFaithLive I understand this, but my heart doesn't. I hope this makes sense. No need to be cold about it. We were together for many, many years. And it was great until he started having an episode of depression and break downs. Up until that everything was great. I'm not sure what caused the break down or how his mental health is currently. You'd tell me not to care, but I guess empaths just feel and see things differently even if not for the best.
@@WeGotTurboGaminghe’s with someone else- a very very common tactic “avoid ants” use to distance is replacement .. sorry but true.
@@sourcehauntings8851 Maybe someone online but physically not with anyone. Just work and home.
This kind of thinking has kept me stuck before, because you're right: If you leave, you reinforce his belief that he doesn't deserve love. If you stay, you reinforce his belief that he doesn't deserve love.
At the end of the day, you're going to trigger a core wound and a faulty belief system, because their entire life is structured to reinforce these beliefs. And you have to honestly ask yourself if it's worth this level of nonsense.
Good video as always!
This is completely heartbreaking.. the emotional chaos and volatility makes me feel like there is very little hope of ever having a loving and lasting relationship with my Avoidant.. I am not willing to break up with him just on the 50/50 chance that he might come back to me and want to stay... that feels like playing Russian roulette.. surely there HAS to be another, healthier way....
The only healthy way is if they decided to heal for themselves, no partner can fix that or push that. We only have the power to change ourselves
Moth and flame is spot on
Sometimes we don’t want the avoidant back. Let them go and regain your peace.
We really loved the version of them initially when the relationship wasn't real yet. Emotionally available, expressive, loving, disguised as a secure attacher. That was them with the mask on, and once it falls off, it is never coming back, almost all the time. Not with avoidants anyway.
If they behaved like what they were as they deactivated, you wouldn't be attracted to them at all. We yearn for that person we think "its still somewhere in there" and we try to make it come back. The healing will never be on your terms, all your love, patience, care will mean absolutely zero until they pluck up the courage to face their fears.
Leave and just take it that for 2-3 months they gave you the best time you ever had with a partner, it will be never be anything more than a memory.
When they slowly pull a way you help them with a big fast push! When DAs draining instand your hand give them on other big push! Just saying!
Fellow APs, can we please just stop working so hard to try to get people who do not want to love us like we need to to love us? For once!...but we are die hards when it comes to love and maybe we can't help ourselves but this is worth considering, really.
That's a secure move and bravo for saying this. 👏💕
You absolutely have to love yourself enough to choose people who choose you.
As an Anxious I have come to the same conclusion, though it's hard to do the pullback fully. The changing the dynamic is also definitely true - why does it work? Likely it triggers a bit of self-reflection on the Avoidant's side
this is so helpful t hank you
Detatch from every thought of them. They're perpetually in love with ANYTHING that's UNREACHABLE. So move on. Become permanently unavailable. It's the healthiest, most respectful thing for everyone.
Let's take wagers:
I got closure with my dismissive avoidant a week ago. He wants to be friends, but I wouldn't make any promises. (But at least I got my stuff back and two apologies!) Now, I know I can't be friends. He's just too good at the push/pull back-and-forth game.
He's texting - of course (3 so far) and I'm simply not responding. The wager: How many texts before he:
a) pointedly asks me if I'm ignoring him,
(b) tries to track me down in person, or
(c) gives up
(Note: We are now in the same country for a few weeks, so there is a "window" of time.)
💯 been there done that.
2:53 "Miranda subtly starts to signal her own independence..." Come on now, let's call it what it is. She's figuring out she can't rely on this guy to meet her needs and is seeking for them to be met elsewhere. What avoidants need to understand is that if someone is actually mirroring your lack of interest, THEY'RE LOSING INTEREST. If they're reallocating their energies, they're learning they can't rely on you. Is that really the message you want to send them?
No point trying to dance around someone else's dysfunctions, you cannot make up for anyone's limitations, it's for them to heal and make the effort to be in a relationship. Mirror them and carry on enjoying your life, nobody can carry a relationship on their own, against an avoidant's will. Once they showed you who they are, taking them back means you subscribe putting up with their issues over and over again as they will carry on being dysfunctional even if they try to heal. Think yourself lucky if the avoidant doesn't come back, you dodged a bullet. Bye, next.
This is my favorite video of yours
I as an anxious avoidant who is in therapy and healing, have now so much selfesteem, that I just want to leave them, they run away let them run away. I just don't care.
Hi , I recently ended things with an avoidant , he’s keeping my items with him hostage and ignores my calls and messages.
It’s really frustrating
If they’re avoidant, avoid them. Its up to them to take up therapy, or it’ll be you.
Can you actually have a lasting relationship with an avoidant ? My girl , seems to look for flaws to create something that isn't real,causes disagreements then says she's hurt and detaches. I love her and care but the inconsistency drives me nuts sometimes 🤦
i disagree. it still would be too much effort to not show your needs when all you want is reliable love.
no no. walk away and let the avoidants heal, and if they don't do the work, walk away. master the disaster 😁
Update: that day, he came back and asked me if I was waiting for him…. He told me he is seeing someone but being with them is not the same. He wanted to maintain friendship and FWB…. WTF bro? I am going away tomorrow and looking at moving interstate. Today he messaged and said ‘you should take the job it’s cheaper there and you can grow and make more money’… huh? But I know that as soon as I go, he will want me to come back again…. But i won’t be able to.
He broke things off, I tried to ask how’s things and if he wants to meet and chat like friends. Didn’t want to loose contact entirely. He was angry at me and asked for space. Gave some and offering to let me know if he wishes to hang out as I hold no bad feelings. Blocked me. It was all 6 months ago. Not sure if there are any chances left, but I genuinely wish that we could keep some sort of contact after all ended for some important reasons. If you have any advices or comments, I’d like to hear them out.. peace 🙏🏻
Dangit.... kinda hard to do when you're already living together. Ugh. Gotta do what I gotta do I guess :/
i quote @Mudpuppyjunior who also posted here:
"The problem is when you learn to let go and move on and they feel safe, they then experience even greater emotional intimacy and then deactivate and run away for good.
The first step should always be assessing whether they will commit to doing the hard, grinding work to heal and become secure.
If they won't, all the mirroring, twists, letting go and moving on will just lead to even more heartache."
This is correct in my opinion and experience.
Best wishes 💛
Okay, I'm seven minutes in and I've got to ask, if you're mirroring the avoidants behavior in terms of distancing, then how does the avoidant even know that you've reconnected with your hobbies, other friends, getting better in touch with your boundaries. How does he or she know this if they're not contacting you (getting this 'space' he claims to need) to know WHAT you're doing, and you're not contacting them because you're 'mirroring' them? Do you randomly park your car in front of the restaurant he passes by on his way home from work so he'll see it and maybe drop by just in time to see you sitting with a table full of friends and folk?
Probably by means of mutual friends
It might be that they will feel it on an energetic level.
@@barbarawiacek6557 Oh, PSYCHIC ENERGY!!! LOL It's possible, though since it's my belief that avoidants don't dislike the person they're running from. They're afraid of that person's ENERGY. The power they could have over the avoidant. Sounds like avoidants aren't overwhelmed by just some random chick or dude. They're overwhelmed and distressed by what they're afraid to feel for folks they actually have feelings for.
@sherrymshephard-massat5929 yes, if they have no feelings for you, then they're just not that into you (in that sense anyone can be labelled avoidant). The avoidant attachment is when there are feelings involved but the person chooses to repress them.
@@barbarawiacek6557 Yeah, and what a waste. Just think of all the fun they're missing NOT hangin' out with somebody they really do like.
If people are married, sisters or brothers ..this video would be valuable. (will still be there at least =won't escape😊 = learn the appropriate distance for successful marriage ).. but if no marriage is there the only solution is never to accept the relationship again because it will destruct you 100% .Anyone who insist to Chace the avoidant is like that chasing the horizon.. he will be kept avoidant = come & goes & breaks you several times till destroys you. .
The Avoidant wants Tobe secure deep.. hence attract to Secure. If secre changes the Avoidant s attraction is lost. It the Secure OK independent draws the Avoidant. This can lead to an Avoidant becoming secure to some level.
Happened to me still got discarded
When I saw her pulling away I went chill from two months but my anxiety started and she ended things😅😅😅
Can you repeat that in proper sentences? Hard to follow what you are saying.
@@cramnergotti5517 there is nothing you can do or say when they ar deactivated is like speacking to a wall
But there is a hope show patience understanding giving them space to heal and if you're still in contact like in my case show emphaty
"It was very cinematic and symbolic that while this beautiful woman was unlocking the door to her home to let us in, she said, "I'm avoidant." I ran up to the doorstep from the garden in the nightfall to join her and I said, "Me too," and she let me in. When she visited me, I told her the door was unlocked and she could come right in. She did, and was greeted warmly. I miss her." -- C.C. Brewer
It makes sense of Part 2 showing she is going on without him sounds like she is posting on FB of what she is doing & he see's that so you can say he is Jealous that's all there is to it is she with another guy or women friends? Now if she posted with male & women friends oh,yeah that will make him think.
How would Bob know what Miranda was doing if he left her? It doesn't make sense?
Via social media, or shared friends, seeing her out and about, bumping into her while she's with a new guy and so forth... it's easier to "show" you have moved on and living la vida loca nowadays...
@AABTBS that won't be necessarily happen if none of those things are in place.
Can they energetically sense when someone is just mirroring their distance and when someone has truly let them go ?
I know if i leave, he won't try.. thats the hurt that keeps me from leaving😢
So what do I do? I have push my avoidant to the point where I haven’t heard from her in over a year now! I still think about her every day. I have been leaving her alone and allowing her to open up in her own way.
Abundance mentality needed. There are tons of women out there. You should have another one by now.
Don't be thinking about an ex a year after you split! Go out and live your life. Move forwards, never backwards!
I’m not even sure my last ex would believe I’m over her, even though it’s been 20 years. Let alone my wife 😂
It fails when Secure acts becomes no.longer Secure.
Happened with me got few problems in my life noticed her pulling away I resisted for 1 month and a half before asking what's rong and 2 weeks later she discarded me and fell instant anxiety 😅😅
If an avoidant wants to " pull away" let them. They are doing you a huge favor... You'll realize that you saved yourself from alot of heartbreak and trauma.. They are not worth it period....❤
If an avoidant so be it, they come back the same way - an avoidant. I doubt they'll stay faithful. I'd rather have faithful. Sure they may marry someone else, but they tend to come back to & for your body. If that's enough for you, so be it.
I was gonna bring your food over when I called but I'm about to be snoozin. How was the movie?
The problem is, it does NOT work with avoidant women. If they detach, women just do not care what the men just do at all. They just do not look back at all.
I did it all. I reacted cool and started to live my own life. I started to make art again and bought a yacht with another woman. And my avoidant ex just moved on and find another man fast. She was very proud of it and sent nasty messages to me.
Sent nasty messages during no contact? What did she say?
@@cramnergotti5517 I did not block her. I do not block anybody. Anyway, she just wrote me that she has a new boyfriend and he is very nice man and a way better than me.
PS. We did not have any problems with each other before she dumped me out of the blue.
Sending messages sounds like she cared! In a twisted way though!
So to sum up this video... they will only start to miss you when you have moved on (alone or with someone else), what is in it for us, then? I do not care if he starts daydreaming about our relationship after I have moved on? I want him to realise things now and take therapy and work towards a healthy relationship. We have broken up a month ago and I would still be willing to rekindle the relationship if I see that he is willing to put in the work.