Secure = don’t rely on external validation and they are comfortable being alone. Secure people want intimate relationships; they don’t *need* them in order to feel complete.
Thank you. I have a man who is consistently calling and texting but I do not consistently answer. (So thankful he has interesting things to say instead of" how are you" or" what are you doing") He's tried to get a little pissy" about it but I don't feel I need to!... weclived 40+ yrs wo each other, we have lives beyond this phone, don't have time or will to talk or text like a teenager for hrs and there's a few things I'm leery about him. I don't want to lead him on or accidentally drop another breadcrumb thats too large !!! Ha Thx
@moo1388 Maybe you meant that his calls and texts are incessant. As a secure person, I certainly value consistency. I want a person who will do what they say they will when they will and to communicate when they can't or won't. I certainly don't appreciate the teenage stuff either
Honestly I’m grateful for my experience with an avoidant partner. It caused me a lot of anxiety especially when I was first discarded and ghosted by them, but over time and upon reflection I worked on my insecurities that made me feel anxious when they ghosted me. Now months later, I feel very secure and would never take my avoidant back or allow myself to be breadcrumbed by an avoidant again.
If you stay after the first avoidance let it be for the hell of it & use them back, then when they realize you’re dominant not passive they will walk away. Or just walk away. Take charge… stop being reactive.
I just walk away because my time is valuable and time is something you can never get back. Like why prolong it? They are clearly not that interested or respect you enough to be consistent. So yes, walk away, sooner rather than later. Or you just waste your time staying.
As a secure person who knows how to handle DA (dismissive avoidants), the best way to deal with these type of males is to mirror their energy and give them little to no effort. They all become anxious and start to want to pursue. These people have already revealed to me who they are so I don’t care too much about them. They are placed in the acquaintance zone. They are not in the friendship zone and definitely not a potential romantic partner. Secure people qualify people that we allow into our lives. Not everyone has access to us. Access is given first to see who you are, then it is denied once we see your inconsistent behavior.
Your statement is fairly aggressive and very clearly states the perspective you hold. Your last 1/2 sentence: 'then it is denied once we see your inconsistent behavior.' should rather be: 'then it is denied IF we see your inconsistent behavior.' - Your words say that you're looking for it and waiting for it because you are expecting it. You get what you look for, so you'll never be fully satisfied, and you'll project that as the fault of the other.
@ There’s nothing aggressive with what was written. It’s straightforward and clear. Why would you assume that I am “looking” for it? Is that your assumption? I think you’re assuming too much.
@@rbloch66this was entirely unneeded, you just projected your own feelings onto her totally innocuous and objective comment. No one else is seeing anything remotely aggressive.
That bit about returning the same energy is pretty much the key. I’ve applied it to all my relationships, it’s also a good way to know definitively when I myself have not been measuring up to the energy extended towards me from the people in my life.
every time i see comments about "avoidants will make a secure into an anxious" i think "define "secure"". in any product quality control, is it secure before it is tested or after? 🤔
Nope. If you can understand what has made them who they are, and act the way they do. Then it reinforces the truely secure, in their security and it becomes a cute mannerism of someone worth loving, who has part of themselves stuck in neotinized infancy. And needs some help to grow that part of themselves up. Do you get Anxious when a toddler acts badly or refuses to eat their dinner? Screams "you don't love me!" and trys to run away when you won't buy the brightly coloured candy the want in the supermarket. Part of you, I think is anxious that others might spot you are hiding who you are. Even from yourself.
@Jess-T Yes and no. Insecure anxious avoidants can habitualise this to become full blown narcissists, and covert narcissists can look a lot like insecure avoidants. If they truely are narcissists then not allowing yourself to be demoralised or giving them the rise of anger, fear, etc that feeds their narcissistic supply will cause them to vanish and find new prey.
Not true at all. When you have strong self love and sekf validaton this is exactly how you react! It’s how I did. I also am not swept up in a honeymoon phase with someone I don’t know well. That’s escapism.
I’m secure and if I perceive a person to be breadcrumbing me, I confront it, state my expectation, and enforce my boundary. I don’t breadcrumb them back.
at no point does this video describe "breadcrumbing back". people are so bitter about this stuff, i get it, but not everyone thinks the same as you and it doesn't automatically make them dishonest
A secure person doesn’t do anything because they don’t have this “expectation” of the other person. They simply observe and decide whether something is right for them or not. This is how I operate. I don’t get angry and “confront” anything because it doesn’t affect me! If a person shows they only have time for one text a day and I prefer more then I simply move on the next person. I can’t expect someone else to be something they’re not and I certainly don’t beg for anyone’s attention. If they step up naturally because they start feeling my disinterest then cold, if not, that’s cool too.
@@fembot521 ya i get and feel that - with people i barely know. BUT have you never fallen for someone and been a little more attached already when sth less cool came from this person? And do you then never confront but always walk away immediately?
In all of the analogies with the bowl, you are looking to someone else to fill YOUR bowl. You are giving away your power to choose peace. Secure people fill their own bowl.
and with the person that doesnt breadcrumb, helps ones bowl to overflow and the thrive. If it has a moment of getting a little low, the other person is there to top it up and it goes back and forth. It's a love bowl or cup maybe. yeah, the secure person realizing they are getting breadcrumbs begins to notice and steps back or mirrors the crumber because they naturally have to fill their own bowl up more with his person. The breadcrumber actually notices and thinks it games but they notice cause their bowl is suddenly empty and they are confused. They arent filling their own bowl nor are they adequately in a place to be topping yours up. it's interesting...
I am actually grateful for the experience with an avoidant. I realized I am secure, wise and have self-respect, and although I tolerated their behavior for a couple of months, it taught me to recognize the patterns and signs so I can AVOID these types of people in the future.
I wouldn't call someone secure if they let a message sit for days without an answer because they have other engagements. A secure person would let the other person know that they are busy.
A secure person wouldn't care and wouldn't judge, because they have found Jesus Christ is the Only person that can set you them free and give them security, by just believing the Gospel of Salvation and believing in God the son Jesus Christ Whom God the Father has sent.
Even the most secure person can become addicted to intermittent reinforcement. Secure people are less likely to. But it is very easy to a slip into. But letting go and letting things fall where they may and being observant makes for the best clarity to act in your best interest and advocate for yourself and your boundaries. And instead on gettin stuck on why someone is they way they are, accepting them for who they show you they are. Balls in your court.
Such an insightful dive into how secure individuals approach breadcrumbing. The idea of using it as a mirror rather than an emotional trigger is both empowering and refreshing. Here's an added thought: secure people seem to embody a principle akin to 'emotional minimalism.' They prioritize clarity over closure, conserving their emotional energy and ensuring that their self-worth isn't dictated by someone else's inconsistency. It’s a quiet yet profound strength, and it reinforces the idea that the most valuable relationships are those where both parties consistently show up-not just when it's convenient.
As long as you remain safe, and have not given that person access to your home, or any way they can abuse you, whatever someone else does has nothing to do with you. This new concept that victims are to blame actually creates victims to blame. If someone treats me disrespectfully, that is 100% on them and has absolutely nothing to do with my value or self-worth or how others see me. In fact, it’s a great purifier. Anyone in your social circle who looks down upon you because someone else disrespected you and poles on or agrees, or treats you differently… Look at it as if you just pruned your garden of friends & got rid of the toxic weeds. But my real advice is stop overthinking everything because you’re ruining your life experience that way. Be your own best friend, value yourself, create boundaries, and stick to them rigidly. Then, whatever someone does will not touch you because you’re beyond lower people and it will just be a minor annoyance like a fly you shoo away. An advanced person doesn’t care who’s following them. They will never turn around and look back and do a headcount of how many people are on their side or following them. They will walk the same path whether there’s anyone with them or not because you are the only person you need to impress. That is absolutely not narcissistic because I didn’t say to exclude others. To impress oneself you would have to be kind and generous, and good hearted and charitable. If you’re actually a good person, you understand that serving others is a key part of being a superior person. But you don’t turn around and look at who is patting you on the back or who’s going to give you the thumbs up that you’re doing a great job. A superior person doesn’t need that. They actually do superior things just for the sake of doing them because they know it’s the best way to live life and there’s richness and depth of experience just in the doing of these things for the sake of doing them not for the rewards. In fact, if you’re worried about breadcrumbing, then you’re worried about what’s in it for you and there’s your problem right there… you’re going into relationships with the wrong energy.
@@chelsea_1961idk, for me it doesn't work if someone breadcrums me because I do not wanna spend my energy on people who are playing games with me and only contact me when their ego needs a boost. I do not wanna allow myself to be used like that.
I don't believe anyone should tolerate this behaviour. Realizing that you deserve better and setting boundries is a form of self respect that is often underlooked.
@@Awarness77 I think this guy does not understand narcissistic personality disorder because when he talks about avoidant personality disorder it off often mirrors, or at least intersect with a lot of narcissistic traits if not the disorder itself
It’s cool being affirmed in my secure attachment. But what it took to get here….lol…if anyone in the comments feels like they’re always going to be stuck in anxious mode, if I could become secure after being both extremely anxious AND avoidant, you can too. But yeah ngl it’s a painful process…but it’s painful no matter what, might as well choose the healing path.
This. I am in the pathway of healing but man if its hurting. I have both anxious-avoidant style. Still making mistakes.. thanks for your statement and reassurance
Great video! I am an avoidant and you nailed it. After being hurt, used, and abused so many times, I'm recluctant to completely open up to someone new. Especially if i feel like Im being love bombed. The pain of falling in love with someone in a cluster b personality style and going 'all in' then being discarded unexpectedly is the kind of pain no one should ever bear. The holding back, and testing a partners patterns and words vs actions strategically can save your life. It is not an effort of hurting someone or misleading them, its an equal response to the breadcrumbing. When someone gives you breadcrumbs, dont fall at their feet. Treat them the same way and their reaction will reveal their true intentions. Be careful out there! Its a dangerous place in todays dating world
I love the distinction that you make here between two forms of walking away ❤ - First walking away is hurt, reactive, sometimes vengeful, While the secure walking away is patient, observing, self-focused, and at the end might be final, but for the healthy reason of seeing that there is truly no hope for this partner, nothing to give to you, you check it deeply and only after that decide with calm and clarity, stable in your own conclusion. That is actually beautiful and I think I am at that point myself with this avoidant guy, I was quitely present, but he is to chaotic and unstable, I took time to watch it play in front of me... it's like being a shore while he makes all the waves in the water, I just watched him... Ngl, it is painful and dissapointing, but, I did not act from this hurt, and that is the huge difference. He lost me, I feel sorry for him, I am truly awesome, He might never find a woman like me.
That is sad. I worry too, but like a therapist told me years ago. It's like walking over a log/bridge. You're trying to pull them up, roped around your waist. Instead of pulling themselves up, they hang there, and both will fall
Good video. This is essentially me. Being the empathic type of secure person i always hope(d) there is (was) some hidden wonderfulness underneath all the manipulation. Usually there is not. And if there is , there is too much emotional investment and turmoil involved. Better to move on.
This. I had to move on for my own sake; if I put up with it much longer I think I would have been hollowed out completely and a very bitter person. As it is I feel sad that he chooses to be this way (and it IS a choice) but I have no sympathy left for him at all after the way he treated me. I just need to forgive myself for wasting so many years on him now 😢
Well then, gone are the days of flirting. How do you cultivate a relationship when the first thing you require is a total data dump and then there’s nothing left to learn about the person? Maybe overthinking every little thing and making a relationship transactional is a recipe that both parties deserve each other in such a situation.
@@chelsea_1961 That's not what we're talking about here. It's about all the dysfunctional behavior and emotional manipulation this type of person displays while getting to know each other.
He has no need to wait for an avoidant to go through some process with no assurance whatsoever that the process in question is final. You are, yet again, Chris, advocating for a secure to fix an avoidant. No. The avoidant needs to fix herself. Period. For my part, I see the game-playing of an avoidant, I walk away without looking back. Avoidants may be great people who just have some work to do. That's fine. It's not my role to do that work for them or "play" them into doing it.
This is the exact comment I was looking for. So much misguided advice similar to this exists out there, and it’s ridiculous. Why does everyone (either secure or anxious) get advised to bend over backwards to accommodate what the avoidant needs? These people need to find healing by themselves like the rest of us have to. I’m so sick of this narrative being touted to people. Don’t bother wasting your time because 9 times out of 10, that’s what it ends up being: a huge waste of your time.
I think it's not so much about "fixing" them, but: holding space. You offer space and see if they are willing to step up. It's basically an invitation. Refusing, half-assing or nailing "the assignment"/invitation, reveals how they deal with adversary, self regulation, "teamwork" as a feature partner etc. in time the other person has more experience and can be "cured"by his/himself. Only if they do 'the work', I'm giving them more space:)
Excellent video. I was in an open relationship with a breadcrumber. Came to realize I was as commitment avoidant as he was. I'd chase until he retreated then everything would be fine for awhile. When I started feeling the relationship getting too cozy, I'd chase again and back him off. At a certain point I got my shit together emotionally and stopped chasing. I stopped reacting. I observed, as you talked about. I centered in myself and released the emotional claim on him, the neediness. The wanting. The validation seeking. He stopped running. The other women disappeared entirely, including his ex wife. Now we've been like an old married couple for four years and I can't remember the last argument we had.
Ahh this is such an empowering way to break this down, thank you. I found myself in a situation recently where even though I sensed potential breadcrumbing and wanted to protect myself, I felt so, so compelled to give the person a chance. And it wasn't just because I had feelings for them, but because I wanted clarity and to sort out what was happening on my own terms... I feel like when we learn about boundaries later in life, it can be easy to believe shutting doors/walking away immediately is the healthiest thing to do in the face of emotional unavailability, ambiguity, etc.! And sometimes it is. But in the situation I noted above, I learned so much through letting it play out. I felt really proud of myself for giving it space to breathe while also being direct and not letting it go on for too long. Though it still hurt when my feelings were not reciprocated in the end, I bounced back super quickly because I knew I'd given them a real chance... buuut also I knew that they were not someone I really respected or admired anymore because of how they treated me. So it was for the best, and was resolved without things needing to get dramatic or out of hand.
After being back and forth with my anxious - avoidant partner since 2021, he promised heaven and earth about changing! We've been back for 8 months, and he just told me that he doesn't feel like he wants to marry me, and he doesn't want to go to the couple's therapy. He's afraid the couple's therapy might work, and we might end up together! Say no more! I just said goodbye and ended it! Then, he's all crying and not ready to end things! What is wrong with anxious-avoidant partners? What a roller-coaster coaster! I will not compromise my value for anyone! I'm too loving and kind to be devalued by anyone!
Thank you for validating me. I am secure and this is exactly how I am… wait to see if there is a pattern and if so provide them an opportunity to fix it, and if they choose not to after clearly communicating, then I walk away.
This is good, real good! This speaks truth to my veins. Secure people are exactly just that, secure. Cowards fear what they don’t understand, “secure people seek to understand” I like that! Only the brave & secure seek the truth and speak their truth and honor self-love rather than settling for less or picking off the trail of breadcrumbs. Know your worth and honor thyself, you’re worth the love you seek ❤
Absolutely. Clarity is so fine. Patterns are so easy to see. Breadcrumbing is a limitation in the breadcrumber. Imagine being so emotionally limited? Aim for clarity. Always believe what the other person does.
A secure person is the dog that can feed themselves. That food from others takes them from satiated to full. Being satiated every day is a perfectly fine life but being full after every meal is a great feeling, which is what it feels like when someone loves us. It's always enough to love ourselves but it's even more fulfilling when someone else chooses to love us as well.
folks breadcrumb because they don't have a loaf to share... (enough kindness, dignity, honor, or resources) They don't have the emotional empathy or integrity to be honest and vulnerable. Some learn that the less they give, the more you try to earn or be worthy of more from them.
Some people are not able to form long term satisfactory relationships. Learning to vet or have boundaries would be important. Do not try to fix a broken person. Walk away. Screen out those people. Have a mission and purpose in life more important than a relationship
Avoidants won’t put that much effort into asking for their needs to be met. They don’t feel worthy of attention and love and also don’t really know how to give the love and attention others deserve., but they’re not intentionally manipulating the person. The impact of breadcrumbs sucks but there’s a difference between throwing crumbs when you have a loaf to give and not having the bread to share. I am anxious/disorganized attachment, and I’m in a long term relationship with an avoidant. I’ve also dated someone I felt could have had NPD. The motive is different. My ex enjoyed seeing the impact of breadcrumbing. My partner is distressed by the idea of how he affects me and hates not being able to meet those needs., my ex enjoyed seeing me scramble for attention and put myself down
Yup. It’s a cycle of them pushing you away because they’re afraid that you’ll leave, but when you leave to try to remain sane they tell you what you’ve been waiting weeks to hear. It’s so toxic. Whether or not they mean to do this doesn’t change the fact that you deserve better. If I can heal my anxious attachment, they can heal their fearful avoidant attachment
I did all of that. I gave her space. I listened. I let her go on her girls trips. I let her feel disconnected. I was patient. It just grew worse. The lies, the devaluation, the abuse.. Being secure doesn't "fix" an avoidant. They just leave earlier.
This. Thank you. I like the author’s videos, but this one seems disturbing for me feeling like talking people into getting less for expecting an avoidant to see their value. Why an avoidant should be a prize for someone. especially secure one. Isn’t secure one worth reciprocation by default (like any other person)? I think we should start normalizing healthy shared relationships instead of playing games with troubled people.
Good!!!! You save yourself years of heartache and agony if you would have proceeded with this Avoidant. Know your worth and let them soak in their own agony.
Great video; this was my Springtime…usually Secure, I veered into Anxious territory due to my partner’s increasing avoidance, detachment, then discard. It was on me, to have veered away from my usually secure self, and reflecting on that over the Summer allowed me to remain secure nowadays. Upon her inevitable return, I had to set hard boundaries, especially as I felt the same avoidant patterns re-emerging, and seeing the breadcrumbs begin to fall. It’s better this way; I can’t condemn avoidants (nor the anxious), but the “seeing breadcrumbs as a mirror” comment & the dog-food analogy is apt, and the most realistic response. I value closure, but realized I was focused on the potential, and not the reality :-/ Ultimately, the pattern of inconsistency and lack of openness in those times didn’t work for me. It’ll take a little time to get past it (we were together for 4.5 years) but again: it’s better this way 🤷🏽♂️
I like your comment. “Focussed on the potential and not the reality. “ and “pattern of inconsistency and a lack of openness” these phrases really resonate with me. It’s what I’m experiencing. Thanks for summing that up into words.
This is a rare example. Ladies, if he’s bread crumbing you then walk away like the queen you are. No need for anger or anything like that. Just put your coat on and leave.
I agree with what you're saying here. The (typical) outcome of a Secure Person giving The Avoidant space (typically) results in The Avoidant testing The Secure person to the nth. And (typically) The Secure person gets worn out. See, the Secure person doesn't need the bread-crumbing, at least not in the beginning, but as the relationship progresses The Secure person (typically) desires reciprocation of emotions from The Avoidant. The Avoidant then Cycles repeatedly (typically) and The Secure gets tired of the game (always).
I am so glad this came up today. I know it was brought to me on purpose of course. I'm good friends with someone who is semi-famous. In other words, millions of people know who he is, and millions of people have never heard of him. I did a tremendous amount of work for him in the late nineties, unpaid. Even then, I got tidbits of acknowledgment and recognition. And now, 25 years later, it is still happening. I finally got to the point where I just said I'm done waiting for you to see me. This video has helped me get clarity I needed it for a long time. Thank you so much!
Another great video. Yes secure people are secure with lots of self love and self respect. They use rejection as a mirror and seek clarity without the pressure, in doing so, the power dynamic is flipped. The breadcrumber realises they never mattered enough and that is an even powerful rejection for those with malicious intent. The innocent ones however are forced to look within and work on themselves.
I agree with what you say. However, playing the long game, quietly evaluating & observing overtime is essentially a WASTE of your valuable time. We have instincts for a reason. I'm not saying to jump ship the moment you sense something is off. But, if you see a pattern starting, whereby you do not feel valued, listen to your higher self, respect yourself & leave. I believe a secure attachment style means getting turned off immediately after you feel devalued, instead of intrigued and insecure.
This is valid. Though security can be a privilege sometimes. People who had emotionally immature/abusive parents or unstable upbringings tend to fall right into breadcrumbs because they’re constantly seeking the love and affection they barely/ever got growing up. You don’t grow out of that, it usually gets transferred to adult relationships. People doing the breadcrumbing usually bank on that
It works, I just let people talk and when they say something bullshit I take a mental note, but don’t let them know I noticed it. It comes out pretty fast for example when their confidence is not real, there is always a comment that reveals the real form of the person. It’s kind of just sitting back and watch them undo their own mask. Once I’m 100% sure about their real personality/intentions I say goodbye and wish them well. (I’m not on the dating market so this applies to new friendships, because people act the same way)
This video makes me feel seen. I’m glad you mentioned it’s not “playing games”, but just giving them the opportunity to expose themselves. Maya Angelou’s quote is perfect for this.
Amazing video A month ago, my partnership of five years came to an end. The choice to break up with the person I love is something that really gets to me. Even though it's all for nothing, I've done everything I can to get him back, and I couldn't imagine my existence without him. I've tried everything to stop thinking about him, but I still can't help but miss him and think about him often. I don't know why I am saying this here.
Saying goodbye to someone you love is difficult; I know this from my 12-year relationship ending. But I was unable to simply let him go, so I made every effort to get him back. I eventually sought aid from a spiritual counselor, who was able to help me regain his affection.
I just sought him up online thanks to your helpful information. remarkable I just checked Father Obah Eze online, and he's really genuine. Thank you again ❤
True love is not easy, if both love each other they will find a way to make it last for a long time. Humans are so complicated, and people make bad decisions all the time from stress or depression. You can only dwell on the past for so long and it's time to just move on with life. Patience is the key to many things in life🙏 yet it is very hard to have patience when you are wanting something so bad.
Secure, self loving, confident people aren’t needy. All of the validation they need is from themselves & abundant life they’ve created. 💖 In other words: To be loved we have to contain love for ourselves so we’re able to receive & understand what it actually is.
Spot on. Play the long game, enjoy the process and don't get attached to any outcome. I'm happy being a relationship, happy being just friends, happy being on my own. I'm just a happy person with no 'issues'. If you want to be part of my life, great; if you don't, also great.
But...dopamine levels really do go up when I have someone to talk to and confide in. And they really do go down when I feel lonely. That is HUMAN, not necessarily insecure. Let's not beat ourselves up!
I asked him why he was ignoring me. He ignored THAT! So I calmly told him I wasn’t interested in continuing the relationship. He asked what he could do, my requirements to continue. We met in a restaurant and I gave him a list (reasonable boundaries). We’re 3 years in, happily.
Aggre agree agree! I can say that I finally became a secure person like 2 years ago (after being a very insecure person all my life). It feels liberating. I can connect with so many people because I watch and gauge and stop myself (in a kind way, not aggressive) and adjust what happened inside. "They're hot. Why do I like them? Is it because they're hot? OK. That's it. Let me see how they react to problems in their life. Hmm... that's not very good. I refuse to babysit them. Okay, we're friends now. We work better as a friend. Nice." and so on and so forth. I found myself not thinking about that person and move on with my life, my hobbies, friends, achievements." Like I said, it was SO liberating. I flew high, and I'm sorry they can't fly as high, but that's their problem. Good luck.
I really like your content. It's extremely thoughtful & goes beyond many reactive interpersonal exchanges. I genuinely believe that the point, the "why", is because you genuinely care about & for the other person. It also informs us about ourselves. It IS difficult but important.
OR they leave and get with people who fulfill those needs. yes internal happiness is crucial but we all have needs we want another person to fulfill otherwise why even bother with a relationship?
I think another important question is “where did you first learn to accept bread-crumbing”? For a lot of us, when we start to unpack that we can start healing a lot of our core attachment wounds.
Make sure to be fair; *ASK QUESTIONS* before judging health issues, neurological conditions, rare personality type behaviours or unexpected life issues and the following stressful new responsibilities *as abuse tactics.*
No one is "busy for days". Either you care enough to give a reply at some point because the interaction with the other person also brings you joy, or you simply don't care enough. Being "busy for days" is bs.
I have many friends that struggle with depression and anxiety, it can quite often result in them not replying for days. I've learned not to take it personally anymore, they've proved again and again that they love me.
@@im3phirebird81 me and my autistic friends have done some relationship anarchy and the lines between a friend and a lover are rather blurry. But that is rather unique and I get that it probably wouldn't work for a lot of people.
@@MyDarkMuffinYeah, for us on the spectrum and considered to be “functional”, half the time we’re overwhelmed just trying to survive. I struggle to even respond to my sister sometimes as I just don’t have the words yet. I’ve told her to not take it personally or that I am trying to avoid her or be passive aggressive, I am just without words or the right space to think about something else/respsond to it.
I have experienced this with both men and women. Women seem to do it better and more often in my experience. Don't be desperate! If you are desperate, they will know! Let them see your self-confidence no matter what! Empower yourself with self confidence!
Thank you for explaining this phenomenon. I been doing that just as described, I like to have fun but I am an observer & confidant. I pay attention to everything. And I walk away when I get what’s going on.
Thanks for the video. I had never heard that behavior called “breadcrumbing”. Labeling it as such will allow people to see it for what it is. It happens in friendships as well or even in the office.
When you love an avoidant and you reclaim your secure attachment (he got me off guard 😂) I learned why avoidants behave that way. Your videos have given both of us a win-win journey 💕
hey i was with a fearfulavoidant (disorginized) alot of mixed signals, in the end she left me. i asked her what all of this was about, she apologized and told me she realized she never loved me ( she told me she loves me months earlier when i was about to leave her) it was all a facade wich started to crumble bit by bit she couldnt hold it togheter she was scared that i will leave her when i see her true self and she allways tryed to satisfy me so i wouldnt go, that she lied to say "i love you" so i wouldnt go, often it felt tensed up and her actions robotic, it felt like a emotional mixer i cant realy understand i felt loved but then i didnt. i told her 3 times if she dosent want to be togheter with me it is ok and we can cut it before it hurts even more, but she wanted to stay. now im in this anxious cycle you explained in the end. ive never felt so understood and (safe in the beginning) in my life. it is so weird to feel loved and dont at the same time i remember that she was crying of joy to be togheter with me,that no one was so gentle to her as i was, its messed up. now she is scared to see me and is ashamed of herself what she has done to me. she was always scared to hurt me and would push me away if i did felt hurt, she told me that she went all in for me that she allways has one foot outside the door but for me got the second one in too, wich is contradictory right?! how do i stop this anxious cycle and overthinking?
Hey, actualy something similar happend to me , she broke up with me in august. She also said i was all in, then when she felt like im sad and i could actually leave relationship she just broke up with me. Then told me i cant be with someone just because i love him. Week later she told me she realized that she never loved me and it was just an infatuation. I was pretty secure , but this bs just made me anxious, destroyed my self esteem. I was grieving daily. Couldnt stand this. Hot cold. In october i decided to completly rebuild my confidance and self esteem. Its getting better, im feeling better, hitting gym daily, trying to talk to girls but not like im looking for someone, i just wanna practice conversations. I still miss her, but working to get over her. I think thats only possible way to break this cycle. I set some goals and hard working on them, so my mind is focused somewhere else. And those endorphines and domapines hitting nicely. Good sleep, healthy diet, and gym and running. Educating about attachment styles, relationships dynamics, all of these helped a lot and i keep going. Stay strong mate.
To both you guys; they were telling you the truth when they said they loved you. They were lying later when they said they didn't. They left because they loved you and that isctheir great fear. So they deactivate and tell themselves they never loved you to make leaving easier on themselves. Earlier they were regulated. When they leave they are triggered and deactivating.
@@MudpuppyjuniorNope, opposite is true. They were lying when they used “I love you” earlier in the relational cycle to entrap and prevent their victims from leaving. After the inevitable dissolution, when their victims started to address the their inconstancies, then they told the TRUTH…it was NEVER LOVE.
I dig you. It sounds like you're capable of loving, so that's a good thing and I wish you good luck! (apart from maybe getting advise from somebody and trying to clear up matters, I think it's better to not spend too much time on it, not if it means you're thinking in circles. If you can be constructive about it, yes, but apart from that, remember other things to do, other projects or people you care about, for the time being. )
This is the greater majority of people on social media! They say such desperate and dysfunctional things all in an unhealthy attempt to seek admiration and Pat's on the back! If your happiness depends on factors outside of yourself? YOUR NEVER GONNA BE HAPPY! The end.
Thnx a lot mister, finnally a video which is above my understanding about Human, i always see people telling how and what anxious or avoident person is, But literary nobody tell how a secure person behaves, it really showed me my mistakes in my past relationship experience, and yeah i gave her space and process her emotions and it was fake 🙂, And i am saying it after 1.5 year together so yeah 😅 i never walked away instantly i gave enough time, the problem is not "she not being with me" the real problem is "she not respecting me" she uses abusive language and that's what i can't tolerate so i left.
Thank you for the video talking about this and shining the light on the problems. I'd like to think that I was breadcrumbed by a person that said that they cared and loved me. And I did what you stated. To simply watch and observe very closely to look for the consistencies in the persons behaviour. If they valued me, they would do things to confirm that they value me, right? And lo and behold, they did not. It was a rough pill to swallow of how there seemed to be a reoccurrence of people not valueing me. Which makes sense cus my 2023 was full of the belief that "I am not worthy", and my world around me matched that vibration. Now through 2024 it has significantly sky-rocketed, but still I have to sometimes catch myself when I realize that I am about to sell myself short again. My needs and wants are allowed to be met, and now I am watching very closely for a person that matches me and able to provide what I need and want, and of course, for me to share that in turn. There is a greater calmness and gentleness with those I have around me and not expecting too much or rushing or demanding things even. Which feels great for me and that I have found much more emotional security. It is not always the case however, as I got my moments of emotional distress and where I need reassurance, and I do find it. The network I have currently is wonderful.
Trauma bonds hard to break, serial cyclical narcisstic players leave women broken. The breadcrumbing in this case is done to many as the pain inflicted is a form of misogyny, an ego boost. Single mothers, unhappily married women, young naive women all prey.
Ive always called it "I'll figure it out". Ive never had the term "breadcrumbing" to explain why i CHOOSE to stsy in yome situations, sometimes i just wanna see. I know im honest, i also know most people think im not, so i always feel like I'm calling others bluffs. It makes for an interesting life thats for sure. Fantastic vodeo much love!!!
We validate ourselves and don't feel the negative patterns of others are not a reflection of who we are... We can also " "breadcrumb the breadcrumber" before we decide to just walk away as the " gamey" immature connection is just not worth it..
As I have gotten older, my tolerance, appetite and willingness to experience BCing, nonsense, drama. BS, victimhood, jealousy, etc., is virtually non existent. We don’t attractive who we want, we attract who we are. I started dating myself a few years ago, and then we fell in love. That has had a significant impact on my life. We teach people how to treat ourselves, and it’s not possible to give something away you don’t have. This is an interesting video, however, NGL, the punchline MUST BE to fall in love with yourself FIRST. Because time is short and if you don’t love yourself first, and I mean, really AND truly, unconditionally love yourself. It’s literally impossible for anyone else to love you in a healthy, like-minded capacity- breadcrumbing or otherwise :-) YOU MUST fall in love with yourself. This is a game changer. XOXO
I once met a breadcrumber and made it clear that I didn’t appreciate that kind of behavior because it felt unkind and disrespectful. To his credit, he understood and changed his approach. That said, I never considered him a potential partner. If someone is going to take my time and attention, there’s a minimum standard of effort and respect I expect. Without that, I see no point in engaging. I’d rather not reply and move on with my life than waste time analyzing a breadcrumber in silence.
Requiring consistency and communication isn’t being “clingy” or “insecure”. It’s a relationship need that many have. I don’t need to be in a relationship. But if I’m going to be in a relationship with you, then you’re going to be consistent and have good communication skills. That’s all. That’s the bar. Once you start breadcrumbing, that is both my clarity AND my closure. Just like the quote you reference, they are showing you who they are. And that person simply isn’t for me. The man you describe isn’t a secure attachment style. You’re describing a guy who uses stoicism to play the game in order to silently manipulate women into reversing the Tom and Jerry chase. It’s a classic red pill tactic. Effective, but tactical nonetheless. I would be interested to hear what his personal needs are, and whether they are actually being met in his marriage to this “reformed avoidant”.
This was amazing! Thank you 😊 I'm working to be more secure and know my worth. Every time I get into a relationship I'm a nervous wreck until I find myself again. It feels wonderful to be secure
for those of us learning to be more Secure, how do you know when that "point" is where you've waited long enough to get clarity? If the answer is not to simply walk away immediately when someone starts bread crumbing, how do you know what an appropriate trial period is?
As unhelpful as it is, the answer is that it's whatever your personal timeline is, and that timeline often gets shorter the more healed you are. I'm mostly healed, so my personal timeline is 4 weeks. I will mention that I notice a difference and state my needs while also saying I want to discuss what's wrong so we can work through it, and if I don't see any difference in 4 weeks, I leave.
This is so personal for everyone. For me it took almost 4 years to come to that clarity point... And no I don't see it as wasted time. This connection learned me to become secure.
I started seeing someone who I had been friendly with thru my job for about 3 years. So we had already know each other. He pursued me first and I eventually became available to reciprocate. He started doing the push pull mixed signals thing after the 3rd week in after we had a great weekend and he let his walls down a bit and we definitely got closer. I sat back and observed even tho he was turning me a little anxious. By the 6th week in that’s when I decided I waited long enough to get clarity and simply asked him how he was feeling about me/things and what his intentions were. He ran a week a later. It may be different for everyone, but if I’m almost 2 months into seeing someone consistently and talking to them daily and I have no idea where I stand by then, time to have a conversation.
@@cornwallismorgan874I agree with this. My timeframe has shortened tremendously the more I healed. I had one last less than 2 weeks because *NO, JUST NO*
"Knowing your value and walking away when the other person can't see it for what it is" but first you need to know your value, that brings about certainty, confidence, and self esteem too. It makes you so others can't break you and then voila.
While breadcrumbing is a mirror to the one doing it, it's like a window to the observer. A mirror reflects the initiating image, whereas a window allows the onlooker to see through it for clarity.
Secure people look for validation from within not outwards. We learned that we have to be secure with ourselves before we can be secure with others. It's about waiting to see if their actions match their words. To see patterns takes time and patience. Also learning people perceive from what they know. Not everyone is going to have the same morals and values. So don't take others actions personally it's a reflection of them not you. How you respond is your responsibility. So if you're secure with yourself others actions won't affect you.
The key to this story is the dog. If the dog gets a lot of food, it enjoys it, when the dog gets a little food, it enjoys it. But it doesn't peg it's whole existence on the food it gets from that one person. Apart from that one person, the dog has its own life to live, other things to enjoy. Don't expect anything, but appreciate what is there.
What a fabulous analogy! These breadcrumbers treat us like dogs!! So often I’ve had people ask, “when/why are you going to end this?” Answer: once it’s irrevocably irreparable. Then, even the breadcrumber comprehends the utter futility of attempting to reconnect. Honestly, I get a little enjoyment watching their bereft befuddlement…they walk around simultaneously confused and morose. When it’s done, it’s done.
there is one misconception in relationship advices: everyone expect some starved person to pretend it is not - but in reality, this person needs a specific therapy to get in to "secure" position. Secure people dont have that issues, because they deal with it as they actually are secure - and they dont search for such advices
I tried this with a DA and he did start improving. He even agreed to go to therapy... but the challenge is holding space while they heal but you also needing someone to hold space while you heal. The times I needed reassurance, support, I couldn't reach out. I always had to be the bigger person and let him slowly get comfortable and close to me. It became too much to behave this steady/patient. Sometimes It feels like there are not enough secure people to go around. I'm glad the guy in the video was able to tolerate his wife but I don't think I have the capacity.
Thank you, excellent video. A good reminder to show up for yourself consistently and show up for other with confidence. And patience!! always be patient, there's time. My analogy is always surfing :D, a beginner tries to surf every wave and gets exhausted, better surfers know where to be and how to read the waves so they get the most out of it. Dont try and attach to every small emotion, let the real person reveal themselves!
I watch people like a cat will intently observe something curious. And I met a person who came from Iceland who had an interesting way of scoring people. Everyone started at minus 200 and has the potential to reach toward a Zero score. I absolutely agree. Pattern assessment and no expectations is really interesting.
You wouldn't want to be a God. To be treated as a God is for your partner to constantly make mistakes and you forgiving them over and over again because you love them. They constantly tell you they are going to do better but always fail as they are human. They have a expectation for you to be perfect and the moment you mess up (you will because you're human) they lose all their trust in you even after you responded to their mistakes with forgiveness.
It's actually possible to be secure, once one stops running from oneself. What I will say is that it makes the dating pool look more and more repulsive as I become less and less tolerant of BS. I'd rather be alone than waste my time that I could easily reinvest more meaningfully in another area of my life
This analysis is spot. It's someone who just isn't sure what they want. Used to bother me and cause me to act out in frustration. Now it doesn't. I'm still the dog, sure. But this dog is smarter. If you want to bring me a bowl of food I'll eat but I'm not going to come looking for it. I do reply to messages fairly promptly, thats just how i am with everyone. But I don't initiate contact anymore if the other half exhibits unstable patterns. But I can wait for contact, observe the patterns from an emotional and physical distance, occasionally enjoy some attention and if they disappear for weeks or months then reappear great, whatever. Now, I don't know why I only ever attract women with emotional issues from past trauma, if anyone ever can figure that one out well shit please let me know😂
I used to wonder why I attracted people with attachment issues. Turns out I had some issues of my own that I wasn't recognizing because I had built up a false sense of security. Still working on it, but I am attracting healthier people.
Everything you said was my exact experience with breadcrumbing. It’s wild , I thought how I reacted was simply unique to who I was. I actually found it really interesting when I was breadcrumbed. Maybe because I had years of self love under my belt before it occured. Codependency anonymous is amazing.
The problem is sometimes it's not even worth engaging certain people who play games, even if you learn a lot from it, you get immersed in their game by allowing them. Don't underestimate people's ability to charm you, even if you think you are strong in the beginning and playing back their games watchign them react. I done this in a social circle because, well, I been alone for a long time and really needed to socialise, until I no longer wanted to, until I learned the people were fake and the charmer was absolutely selfish, vain and cold. Even if I not slept with anyone, I feel debased that they thought of me that low. It makes for bad memories and feelings of worthlessness.
Agree to disagree. I’am secure if someone has these issues or plays games - I don’t observe. I just check out. It stands as a 🚩🚩🚩 they can heal on their own timeline.
Good advice. Here's my addition to the conversation , and you can quote me; "In relationships, instead of being a "day-trader", invest in "mutual funds"!
This is a truly wisdom in these comments...so focused and on the mark....great to find this advice...thank you Chris....your insights for such a young man....hmmm?
I have a narcissistic mother i had been no contact with for several years due to her toxicity. Couldn't breadcrumbing also refer to when she "offers" to leave me the family silver when she dies in order to rope me back in to her manipulations? (I was the "scapegoat" child) She has burned her bridges with everyone else and I'm the only family she has left (she's 91 I'm 70) and she alternately hints at leaving me family items and then when I don't respond, mention she may give said items to an acquaintance. Isn't that also a form of breadcrumbing? I mean, it could be a lure of sorts were i not aware of what's really going on.
@yayinternets at the risk of sounding petty, I'm feeling some satisfaction that she gets to stew in her own juices! I had been trying to look after her due to her age but I'm dealing with my own terminal illness (that she is completely indifferent to) so I have gone NC and feeling intense relief as a result. Thank you for your response and have a wonderful new year!👍🎆🥂😊
@ Naw, not petty. After a lifetime of these people being so detrimental in our lives, there is some relief in seeing them finally get some consequences of their own actions. Good luck with everything and Happy New Year to you as well!
Secure = don’t rely on external validation and they are comfortable being alone. Secure people want intimate relationships; they don’t *need* them in order to feel complete.
THIS!
Thank you. I have a man who is consistently calling and texting but I do not consistently answer.
(So thankful he has interesting things to say instead of" how are you" or" what are you doing") He's tried to get a little pissy" about it but
I don't feel I need to!... weclived 40+ yrs wo each other, we have lives beyond this phone, don't have time or will to talk or text like a teenager for hrs and there's a few things I'm leery about him.
I don't want to lead him on or accidentally drop another breadcrumb thats too large !!! Ha
Thx
@moo1388 Maybe you meant that his calls and texts are incessant. As a secure person, I certainly value consistency. I want a person who will do what they say they will when they will and to communicate when they can't or won't. I certainly don't appreciate the teenage stuff either
This!!
@@moo1388 you sound like you may be avoidant here though. If you’re anxious and not responding. …. And leery but not calling it out. ..?
It’s not about their potential. It’s about your value!💯
Narcissism 101
Approaching interactions & potential relationships as a transaction. No bueno.
Honestly I’m grateful for my experience with an avoidant partner. It caused me a lot of anxiety especially when I was first discarded and ghosted by them, but over time and upon reflection I worked on my insecurities that made me feel anxious when they ghosted me. Now months later, I feel very secure and would never take my avoidant back or allow myself to be breadcrumbed by an avoidant again.
Yes. Experience is a great teacher.
If you stay after the first avoidance let it be for the hell of it & use them back, then when they realize you’re dominant not passive they will walk away. Or just walk away. Take charge… stop being reactive.
Very good for you
No one should have to go through it. We are all works in progress
Congrats!! That is tough!
I just walk away because my time is valuable and time is something you can never get back. Like why prolong it? They are clearly not that interested or respect you enough to be consistent. So yes, walk away, sooner rather than later. Or you just waste your time staying.
I’m going to read this often! Well said!
That right there is the best advice. 😊
THIS is better advice than the video imho
And it will just get worse.
It's a red flag, that the person has no self worth, therefore is likely to continue to sabotage the relationship.
As a secure person who knows how to handle DA (dismissive avoidants), the best way to deal with these type of males is to mirror their energy and give them little to no effort. They all become anxious and start to want to pursue. These people have already revealed to me who they are so I don’t care too much about them. They are placed in the acquaintance zone. They are not in the friendship zone and definitely not a potential romantic partner. Secure people qualify people that we allow into our lives. Not everyone has access to us. Access is given first to see who you are, then it is denied once we see your inconsistent behavior.
Your statement is fairly aggressive and very clearly states the perspective you hold. Your last 1/2 sentence: 'then it is denied once we see your inconsistent behavior.' should rather be: 'then it is denied IF we see your inconsistent behavior.' - Your words say that you're looking for it and waiting for it because you are expecting it. You get what you look for, so you'll never be fully satisfied, and you'll project that as the fault of the other.
@ There’s nothing aggressive with what was written. It’s straightforward and clear. Why would you assume that I am “looking” for it? Is that your assumption? I think you’re assuming too much.
great comment. screenshotting!
@@rbloch66this was entirely unneeded, you just projected your own feelings onto her totally innocuous and objective comment. No one else is seeing anything remotely aggressive.
That bit about returning the same energy is pretty much the key. I’ve applied it to all my relationships, it’s also a good way to know definitively when I myself have not been measuring up to the energy extended towards me from the people in my life.
Trust me people, they can make anyone anxious from secure just by switching on from the honeymoon phase to devaluation phase
every time i see comments about "avoidants will make a secure into an anxious" i think "define "secure"". in any product quality control, is it secure before it is tested or after? 🤔
Nope. If you can understand what has made them who they are, and act the way they do.
Then it reinforces the truely secure, in their security and it becomes a cute mannerism of someone worth loving, who has part of themselves stuck in neotinized infancy.
And needs some help to grow that part of themselves up.
Do you get Anxious when a toddler acts badly or refuses to eat their dinner?
Screams "you don't love me!" and trys to run away when you won't buy the brightly coloured candy the want in the supermarket.
Part of you, I think is anxious that others might spot you are hiding who you are.
Even from yourself.
@Jess-T Yes and no. Insecure anxious avoidants can habitualise this to become full blown narcissists, and covert narcissists can look a lot like insecure avoidants.
If they truely are narcissists then not allowing yourself to be demoralised or giving them the rise of anger, fear, etc that feeds their narcissistic supply will cause them to vanish and find new prey.
Not true at all.
When you have strong self love and sekf validaton this is exactly how you react!
It’s how I did.
I also am not swept up in a honeymoon phase with someone I don’t know well.
That’s escapism.
@@aaronfranklin324 You don't even know how a narc is created, so don't comment about it.
I’m secure and if I perceive a person to be breadcrumbing me, I confront it, state my expectation, and enforce my boundary. I don’t breadcrumb them back.
this.
This completely.
at no point does this video describe "breadcrumbing back". people are so bitter about this stuff, i get it, but not everyone thinks the same as you and it doesn't automatically make them dishonest
A secure person doesn’t do anything because they don’t have this “expectation” of the other person. They simply observe and decide whether something is right for them or not. This is how I operate. I don’t get angry and “confront” anything because it doesn’t affect me! If a person shows they only have time for one text a day and I prefer more then I simply move on the next person. I can’t expect someone else to be something they’re not and I certainly don’t beg for anyone’s attention. If they step up naturally because they start feeling my disinterest then cold, if not, that’s cool too.
@@fembot521 ya i get and feel that - with people i barely know. BUT have you never fallen for someone and been a little more attached already when sth less cool came from this person? And do you then never confront but always walk away immediately?
In all of the analogies with the bowl, you are looking to someone else to fill YOUR bowl. You are giving away your power to choose peace. Secure people fill their own bowl.
This is perfect! I would actually take it further and... say it's like a picnic.., you show up with a hamper of >>your
and with the person that doesnt breadcrumb, helps ones bowl to overflow and the thrive. If it has a moment of getting a little low, the other person is there to top it up and it goes back and forth. It's a love bowl or cup maybe. yeah, the secure person realizing they are getting breadcrumbs begins to notice and steps back or mirrors the crumber because they naturally have to fill their own bowl up more with his person. The breadcrumber actually notices and thinks it games but they notice cause their bowl is suddenly empty and they are confused. They arent filling their own bowl nor are they adequately in a place to be topping yours up. it's interesting...
I am actually grateful for the experience with an avoidant. I realized I am secure, wise and have self-respect, and although I tolerated their behavior for a couple of months, it taught me to recognize the patterns and signs so I can AVOID these types of people in the future.
What were the patterns, can you elaborate on what happened?
I wouldn't call someone secure if they let a message sit for days without an answer because they have other engagements. A secure person would let the other person know that they are busy.
I agree. Acknowledgement and assurance are very important in relationships.
Yea exactly. That sounds more like revenge.
Thank You!
A secure person wouldn't care and wouldn't judge, because they have found Jesus Christ is the Only person that can set you them free and give them security, by just believing the Gospel of Salvation and believing in God the son Jesus Christ Whom God the Father has sent.
@@agrotta1650 Christianity and Secure attachment are mutually exclusive.
Even the most secure person can become addicted to intermittent reinforcement. Secure people are less likely to. But it is very easy to a slip into. But letting go and letting things fall where they may and being observant makes for the best clarity to act in your best interest and advocate for yourself and your boundaries. And instead on gettin stuck on why someone is they way they are, accepting them for who they show you they are. Balls in your court.
You said it better than Chris did👍🧡
Such an insightful dive into how secure individuals approach breadcrumbing. The idea of using it as a mirror rather than an emotional trigger is both empowering and refreshing. Here's an added thought: secure people seem to embody a principle akin to 'emotional minimalism.' They prioritize clarity over closure, conserving their emotional energy and ensuring that their self-worth isn't dictated by someone else's inconsistency. It’s a quiet yet profound strength, and it reinforces the idea that the most valuable relationships are those where both parties consistently show up-not just when it's convenient.
As long as you remain safe, and have not given that person access to your home, or any way they can abuse you, whatever someone else does has nothing to do with you. This new concept that victims are to blame actually creates victims to blame. If someone treats me disrespectfully, that is 100% on them and has absolutely nothing to do with my value or self-worth or how others see me. In fact, it’s a great purifier. Anyone in your social circle who looks down upon you because someone else disrespected you and poles on or agrees, or treats you differently… Look at it as if you just pruned your garden of friends & got rid of the toxic weeds. But my real advice is stop overthinking everything because you’re ruining your life experience that way. Be your own best friend, value yourself, create boundaries, and stick to them rigidly. Then, whatever someone does will not touch you because you’re beyond lower people and it will just be a minor annoyance like a fly you shoo away. An advanced person doesn’t care who’s following them. They will never turn around and look back and do a headcount of how many people are on their side or following them. They will walk the same path whether there’s anyone with them or not because you are the only person you need to impress. That is absolutely not narcissistic because I didn’t say to exclude others. To impress oneself you would have to be kind and generous, and good hearted and charitable. If you’re actually a good person, you understand that serving others is a key part of being a superior person. But you don’t turn around and look at who is patting you on the back or who’s going to give you the thumbs up that you’re doing a great job. A superior person doesn’t need that. They actually do superior things just for the sake of doing them because they know it’s the best way to live life and there’s richness and depth of experience just in the doing of these things for the sake of doing them not for the rewards. In fact, if you’re worried about breadcrumbing, then you’re worried about what’s in it for you and there’s your problem right there… you’re going into relationships with the wrong energy.
@@chelsea_1961idk, for me it doesn't work if someone breadcrums me because I do not wanna spend my energy on people who are playing games with me and only contact me when their ego needs a boost. I do not wanna allow myself to be used like that.
I don't believe anyone should tolerate this behaviour. Realizing that you deserve better and setting boundries is a form of self respect that is often underlooked.
totally right. This video is a trash
@@Awarness77 I think this guy does not understand narcissistic personality disorder because when he talks about avoidant personality disorder it off often mirrors, or at least intersect with a lot of narcissistic traits if not the disorder itself
It’s cool being affirmed in my secure attachment. But what it took to get here….lol…if anyone in the comments feels like they’re always going to be stuck in anxious mode, if I could become secure after being both extremely anxious AND avoidant, you can too. But yeah ngl it’s a painful process…but it’s painful no matter what, might as well choose the healing path.
But how the heck did you do it? If I could live securely vs. anxiously, I’d feel like I won the lottery.
I know. Change is tough. And also know that it will take time.
Exactly❤
This. I am in the pathway of healing but man if its hurting. I have both anxious-avoidant style. Still making mistakes.. thanks for your statement and reassurance
How? What helped u most??
Great video! I am an avoidant and you nailed it. After being hurt, used, and abused so many times, I'm recluctant to completely open up to someone new. Especially if i feel like Im being love bombed. The pain of falling in love with someone in a cluster b personality style and going 'all in' then being discarded unexpectedly is the kind of pain no one should ever bear. The holding back, and testing a partners patterns and words vs actions strategically can save your life. It is not an effort of hurting someone or misleading them, its an equal response to the breadcrumbing. When someone gives you breadcrumbs, dont fall at their feet. Treat them the same way and their reaction will reveal their true intentions. Be careful out there! Its a dangerous place in todays dating world
I love the distinction that you make here between two forms of walking away ❤ -
First walking away is hurt, reactive, sometimes vengeful,
While the secure walking away is patient, observing, self-focused, and at the end might be final, but for the healthy reason of seeing that there is truly no hope for this partner, nothing to give to you, you check it deeply and only after that decide with calm and clarity, stable in your own conclusion.
That is actually beautiful and I think I am at that point myself with this avoidant guy, I was quitely present, but he is to chaotic and unstable, I took time to watch it play in front of me... it's like being a shore while he makes all the waves in the water, I just watched him...
Ngl, it is painful and dissapointing, but, I did not act from this hurt, and that is the huge difference.
He lost me, I feel sorry for him, I am truly awesome, He might never find a woman like me.
That is sad. I worry too, but like a therapist told me years ago. It's like walking over a log/bridge. You're trying to pull them up, roped around your waist. Instead of pulling themselves up, they hang there, and both will fall
This is the most important and best take away from the video.
I concur. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
Feel that
Good video. This is essentially me. Being the empathic type of secure person i always hope(d) there is (was) some hidden wonderfulness underneath all the manipulation. Usually there is not. And if there is , there is too much emotional investment and turmoil involved. Better to move on.
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!
This. I had to move on for my own sake; if I put up with it much longer I think I would have been hollowed out completely and a very bitter person. As it is I feel sad that he chooses to be this way (and it IS a choice) but I have no sympathy left for him at all after the way he treated me. I just need to forgive myself for wasting so many years on him now 😢
Well then, gone are the days of flirting. How do you cultivate a relationship when the first thing you require is a total data dump and then there’s nothing left to learn about the person? Maybe overthinking every little thing and making a relationship transactional is a recipe that both parties deserve each other in such a situation.
@@chelsea_1961 That's not what we're talking about here. It's about all the dysfunctional behavior and emotional manipulation this type of person displays while getting to know each other.
@ so you’re entering every relationship as a psychoanalyst plus making it a transaction… Even better. What could possibly go wrong?
He has no need to wait for an avoidant to go through some process with no assurance whatsoever that the process in question is final. You are, yet again, Chris, advocating for a secure to fix an avoidant. No. The avoidant needs to fix herself. Period. For my part, I see the game-playing of an avoidant, I walk away without looking back. Avoidants may be great people who just have some work to do. That's fine. It's not my role to do that work for them or "play" them into doing it.
This is the exact comment I was looking for. So much misguided advice similar to this exists out there, and it’s ridiculous. Why does everyone (either secure or anxious) get advised to bend over backwards to accommodate what the avoidant needs? These people need to find healing by themselves like the rest of us have to. I’m so sick of this narrative being touted to people. Don’t bother wasting your time because 9 times out of 10, that’s what it ends up being: a huge waste of your time.
I think it's not so much about "fixing" them, but: holding space.
You offer space and see if they are willing to step up. It's basically an invitation. Refusing, half-assing or nailing "the assignment"/invitation, reveals how they deal with adversary, self regulation, "teamwork" as a feature partner etc. in time the other person has more experience and can be "cured"by his/himself. Only if they do 'the work', I'm giving them more space:)
Excellent video. I was in an open relationship with a breadcrumber. Came to realize I was as commitment avoidant as he was. I'd chase until he retreated then everything would be fine for awhile. When I started feeling the relationship getting too cozy, I'd chase again and back him off. At a certain point I got my shit together emotionally and stopped chasing. I stopped reacting. I observed, as you talked about. I centered in myself and released the emotional claim on him, the neediness. The wanting. The validation seeking. He stopped running. The other women disappeared entirely, including his ex wife. Now we've been like an old married couple for four years and I can't remember the last argument we had.
Ahh this is such an empowering way to break this down, thank you. I found myself in a situation recently where even though I sensed potential breadcrumbing and wanted to protect myself, I felt so, so compelled to give the person a chance. And it wasn't just because I had feelings for them, but because I wanted clarity and to sort out what was happening on my own terms...
I feel like when we learn about boundaries later in life, it can be easy to believe shutting doors/walking away immediately is the healthiest thing to do in the face of emotional unavailability, ambiguity, etc.! And sometimes it is. But in the situation I noted above, I learned so much through letting it play out. I felt really proud of myself for giving it space to breathe while also being direct and not letting it go on for too long. Though it still hurt when my feelings were not reciprocated in the end, I bounced back super quickly because I knew I'd given them a real chance... buuut also I knew that they were not someone I really respected or admired anymore because of how they treated me. So it was for the best, and was resolved without things needing to get dramatic or out of hand.
How were you direct about it?
After being back and forth with my anxious - avoidant partner since 2021, he promised heaven and earth about changing! We've been back for 8 months, and he just told me that he doesn't feel like he wants to marry me, and he doesn't want to go to the couple's therapy. He's afraid the couple's therapy might work, and we might end up together!
Say no more! I just said goodbye and ended it! Then, he's all crying and not ready to end things! What is wrong with anxious-avoidant partners? What a roller-coaster coaster! I will not compromise my value for anyone! I'm too loving and kind to be devalued by anyone!
Thank you for validating me. I am secure and this is exactly how I am… wait to see if there is a pattern and if so provide them an opportunity to fix it, and if they choose not to after clearly communicating, then I walk away.
This is good, real good! This speaks truth to my veins. Secure people are exactly just that, secure. Cowards fear what they don’t understand, “secure people seek to understand” I like that! Only the brave & secure seek the truth and speak their truth and honor self-love rather than settling for less or picking off the trail of breadcrumbs. Know your worth and honor thyself, you’re worth the love you seek ❤
Absolutely. Clarity is so fine. Patterns are so easy to see. Breadcrumbing is a limitation in the breadcrumber. Imagine being so emotionally limited? Aim for clarity. Always believe what the other person does.
A secure person is the dog that can feed themselves. That food from others takes them from satiated to full. Being satiated every day is a perfectly fine life but being full after every meal is a great feeling, which is what it feels like when someone loves us. It's always enough to love ourselves but it's even more fulfilling when someone else chooses to love us as well.
folks breadcrumb because they don't have a loaf to share... (enough kindness, dignity, honor, or resources)
They don't have the emotional empathy or integrity to be honest and vulnerable.
Some learn that the less they give, the more you try to earn or be worthy of more from them.
@stars-are... Your last sentence sums it up and puts into words what I've been trying to put a label on for the last 3 years. Thanks!
@L.Fontein7 break free. you can love them in spirit but pull up the doormat and put yourself first.
Some people are not able to form long term satisfactory relationships. Learning to vet or have boundaries would be important. Do not try to fix a broken person. Walk away. Screen out those people. Have a mission and purpose in life more important than a relationship
Avoidants and narcs adore breadcrumbing in 10%/90% ratio (giving/wanting). Reject them.
And borderline
Not true . Avoidants give little and also expect little
@@orianam9835 I have rich experience with 4 DAs and 2 narcs talking by my own experience.
Avoidants won’t put that much effort into asking for their needs to be met. They don’t feel worthy of attention and love and also don’t really know how to give the love and attention others deserve., but they’re not intentionally manipulating the person. The impact of breadcrumbs sucks but there’s a difference between throwing crumbs when you have a loaf to give and not having the bread to share.
I am anxious/disorganized attachment, and I’m in a long term relationship with an avoidant. I’ve also dated someone I felt could have had NPD. The motive is different. My ex enjoyed seeing the impact of breadcrumbing. My partner is distressed by the idea of how he affects me and hates not being able to meet those needs., my ex enjoyed seeing me scramble for attention and put myself down
Borderline isn’t the same either. They can have any attachment style
Yup. It’s a cycle of them pushing you away because they’re afraid that you’ll leave, but when you leave to try to remain sane they tell you what you’ve been waiting weeks to hear. It’s so toxic. Whether or not they mean to do this doesn’t change the fact that you deserve better. If I can heal my anxious attachment, they can heal their fearful avoidant attachment
I did all of that. I gave her space. I listened. I let her go on her girls trips. I let her feel disconnected. I was patient.
It just grew worse. The lies, the devaluation, the abuse..
Being secure doesn't "fix" an avoidant. They just leave earlier.
This. Thank you. I like the author’s videos, but this one seems disturbing for me feeling like talking people into getting less for expecting an avoidant to see their value. Why an avoidant should be a prize for someone. especially secure one. Isn’t secure one worth reciprocation by default (like any other person)?
I think we should start normalizing healthy shared relationships instead of playing games with troubled people.
Good!!!! You save yourself years of heartache and agony if you would have proceeded with this Avoidant. Know your worth and let them soak in their own agony.
Exactly. The strategy of staying is simply gonna hurt you in the long run.
This seems like, quite Bpd & covert Narcissists
An avoidant fixes themselves, or they don't. Better to meet them in their post-avoidant phase in life.
Great video; this was my Springtime…usually Secure, I veered into Anxious territory due to my partner’s increasing avoidance, detachment, then discard.
It was on me, to have veered away from my usually secure self, and reflecting on that over the Summer allowed me to remain secure nowadays.
Upon her inevitable return, I had to set hard boundaries, especially as I felt the same avoidant patterns re-emerging, and seeing the breadcrumbs begin to fall.
It’s better this way; I can’t condemn avoidants (nor the anxious), but the “seeing breadcrumbs as a mirror” comment & the dog-food analogy is apt, and the most realistic response.
I value closure, but realized I was focused on the potential, and not the reality :-/
Ultimately, the pattern of inconsistency and lack of openness in those times didn’t work for me. It’ll take a little time to get past it (we were together for 4.5 years) but again: it’s better this way 🤷🏽♂️
I like your comment.
“Focussed on the potential and not the reality. “ and “pattern of inconsistency and a lack of openness” these phrases really resonate with me. It’s what I’m experiencing. Thanks for summing that up into words.
This is a rare example. Ladies, if he’s bread crumbing you then walk away like the queen you are. No need for anger or anything like that. Just put your coat on and leave.
Be sure to tell her "You slaaaaaay, queeen!"
Works both ways!
Coat and crown🫶🏽🫶🏽
@williamsaltsman6537 not everything is about you.
I agree with what you're saying here. The (typical) outcome of a Secure Person giving The Avoidant space (typically) results in The Avoidant testing The Secure person to the nth. And (typically) The Secure person gets worn out. See, the Secure person doesn't need the bread-crumbing, at least not in the beginning, but as the relationship progresses The Secure person (typically) desires reciprocation of emotions from The Avoidant. The Avoidant then Cycles repeatedly (typically) and The Secure gets tired of the game (always).
Please do more videos like these.....secure people. Thanks!
Except a secure person doesn’t need constant reinforcement
@@chelsea_1961 what a secure comment from such a secure person ❤ I hope I have 5 kids and a dog just like you!
I am so glad this came up today. I know it was brought to me on purpose of course. I'm good friends with someone who is semi-famous. In other words, millions of people know who he is, and millions of people have never heard of him. I did a tremendous amount of work for him in the late nineties, unpaid. Even then, I got tidbits of acknowledgment and recognition. And now, 25 years later, it is still happening. I finally got to the point where I just said I'm done waiting for you to see me. This video has helped me get clarity I needed it for a long time. Thank you so much!
Another great video. Yes secure people are secure with lots of self love and self respect. They use rejection as a mirror and seek clarity without the pressure, in doing so, the power dynamic is flipped.
The breadcrumber realises they never mattered enough and that is an even powerful rejection for those with malicious intent. The innocent ones however are forced to look within and work on themselves.
I agree with what you say. However, playing the long game, quietly evaluating & observing overtime is essentially a WASTE of your valuable time. We have instincts for a reason. I'm not saying to jump ship the moment you sense something is off. But, if you see a pattern starting, whereby you do not feel valued, listen to your higher self, respect yourself & leave. I believe a secure attachment style means getting turned off immediately after you feel devalued, instead of intrigued and insecure.
It does hurt for awhile, tho, and sometimes badly. That's okay too. Love yourself through it❤️
This is valid. Though security can be a privilege sometimes. People who had emotionally immature/abusive parents or unstable upbringings tend to fall right into breadcrumbs because they’re constantly seeking the love and affection they barely/ever got growing up. You don’t grow out of that, it usually gets transferred to adult relationships. People doing the breadcrumbing usually bank on that
It works, I just let people talk and when they say something bullshit I take a mental note, but don’t let them know I noticed it. It comes out pretty fast for example when their confidence is not real, there is always a comment that reveals the real form of the person. It’s kind of just sitting back and watch them undo their own mask. Once I’m 100% sure about their real personality/intentions I say goodbye and wish them well. (I’m not on the dating market so this applies to new friendships, because people act the same way)
We are also willing to walk away for good
we deserve and must walk away
This video makes me feel seen. I’m glad you mentioned it’s not “playing games”, but just giving them the opportunity to expose themselves. Maya Angelou’s quote is perfect for this.
Amazing video A month ago, my partnership of five years came to an end. The choice to break up with the person I love is something that really gets to me. Even though it's all for nothing, I've done everything I can to get him back, and I couldn't imagine my existence without him. I've tried everything to stop thinking about him, but I still can't help but miss him and think about him often. I don't know why I am saying this here.
Saying goodbye to someone you love is difficult; I know this from my 12-year relationship ending. But I was unable to simply let him go, so I made every effort to get him back. I eventually sought aid from a spiritual counselor, who was able to help me regain his affection.
It's interesting! How can I contact a spiritual counselor most efficiently, and how did you find one?
He can assist you; he is Father Obah Eze, and he possesses immense powers.
I just sought him up online thanks to your helpful information. remarkable
I just checked Father Obah Eze online, and he's really genuine. Thank you again ❤
True love is not easy, if both love each other they will find a way to make it last for a long time.
Humans are so complicated, and people make bad decisions all the time from stress or depression.
You can only dwell on the past for so long and it's time to just move on with life.
Patience is the key to many things in life🙏 yet it is very hard to have patience when you are wanting something so bad.
Thanks for uploading more frequently now. I look forward to your videos every week.
Secure, self loving, confident people aren’t needy. All of the validation they need is from themselves & abundant life they’ve created. 💖 In other words: To be loved we have to contain love for ourselves so we’re able to receive & understand what it actually is.
Spot on. Play the long game, enjoy the process and don't get attached to any outcome. I'm happy being a relationship, happy being just friends, happy being on my own. I'm just a happy person with no 'issues'. If you want to be part of my life, great; if you don't, also great.
Hand them a shovel when you meet. See if they dig themselves a hole
This is valuable and priceless. Also love your graphics and the painting on the wall of peaks and troughs
But...dopamine levels really do go up when I have someone to talk to and confide in. And they really do go down when I feel lonely. That is HUMAN, not necessarily insecure. Let's not beat ourselves up!
I asked him why he was ignoring me. He ignored THAT! So I calmly told him I wasn’t interested in continuing the relationship. He asked what he could do, my requirements to continue. We met in a restaurant and I gave him a list (reasonable boundaries). We’re 3 years in, happily.
Aggre agree agree! I can say that I finally became a secure person like 2 years ago (after being a very insecure person all my life). It feels liberating. I can connect with so many people because I watch and gauge and stop myself (in a kind way, not aggressive) and adjust what happened inside. "They're hot. Why do I like them? Is it because they're hot? OK. That's it. Let me see how they react to problems in their life. Hmm... that's not very good. I refuse to babysit them. Okay, we're friends now. We work better as a friend. Nice." and so on and so forth. I found myself not thinking about that person and move on with my life, my hobbies, friends, achievements." Like I said, it was SO liberating. I flew high, and I'm sorry they can't fly as high, but that's their problem. Good luck.
I really like your content. It's extremely thoughtful & goes beyond many reactive interpersonal exchanges. I genuinely believe that the point, the "why", is because you genuinely care about & for the other person. It also informs us about ourselves. It IS difficult but important.
Secure people get happiness from inside. They see thre the breadcrummer and meet their own needs.
OR they leave and get with people who fulfill those needs. yes internal happiness is crucial but we all have needs we want another person to fulfill otherwise why even bother with a relationship?
I think another important question is “where did you first learn to accept bread-crumbing”? For a lot of us, when we start to unpack that we can start healing a lot of our core attachment wounds.
Make sure to be fair; *ASK QUESTIONS* before judging health issues, neurological conditions, rare personality type behaviours or unexpected life issues and the following stressful new responsibilities *as abuse tactics.*
No one is "busy for days". Either you care enough to give a reply at some point because the interaction with the other person also brings you joy, or you simply don't care enough. Being "busy for days" is bs.
I have many friends that struggle with depression and anxiety, it can quite often result in them not replying for days. I've learned not to take it personally anymore, they've proved again and again that they love me.
@@MyDarkMuffin Hey I get that. But friendships are something else.... or are they not?
@@im3phirebird81 me and my autistic friends have done some relationship anarchy and the lines between a friend and a lover are rather blurry. But that is rather unique and I get that it probably wouldn't work for a lot of people.
@@MyDarkMuffinYeah, for us on the spectrum and considered to be “functional”, half the time we’re overwhelmed just trying to survive. I struggle to even respond to my sister sometimes as I just don’t have the words yet.
I’ve told her to not take it personally or that I am trying to avoid her or be passive aggressive, I am just without words or the right space to think about something else/respsond to it.
I have experienced this with both men and women. Women seem to do it better and more often in my experience. Don't be desperate! If you are desperate, they will know! Let them see your self-confidence no matter what! Empower yourself with self confidence!
Thank you for explaining this phenomenon. I been doing that just as described, I like to have fun but I am an observer & confidant. I pay attention to everything. And I walk away when I get what’s going on.
Thanks for the video. I had never heard that behavior called “breadcrumbing”. Labeling it as such will allow people to see it for what it is.
It happens in friendships as well or even in the office.
When you love an avoidant and you reclaim your secure attachment (he got me off guard 😂) I learned why avoidants behave that way. Your videos have given both of us a win-win journey 💕
hey i was with a fearfulavoidant (disorginized) alot of mixed signals, in the end she left me. i asked her what all of this was about, she apologized and told me she realized she never loved me ( she told me she loves me months earlier when i was about to leave her) it was all a facade wich started to crumble bit by bit she couldnt hold it togheter she was scared that i will leave her when i see her true self and she allways tryed to satisfy me so i wouldnt go, that she lied to say "i love you" so i wouldnt go, often it felt tensed up and her actions robotic, it felt like a emotional mixer i cant realy understand i felt loved but then i didnt. i told her 3 times if she dosent want to be togheter with me it is ok and we can cut it before it hurts even more, but she wanted to stay.
now im in this anxious cycle you explained in the end. ive never felt so understood and (safe in the beginning) in my life. it is so weird to feel loved and dont at the same time i remember that she was crying of joy to be togheter with me,that no one was so gentle to her as i was, its messed up. now she is scared to see me and is ashamed of herself what she has done to me. she was always scared to hurt me and would push me away if i did felt hurt, she told me that she went all in for me that she allways has one foot outside the door but for me got the second one in too, wich is contradictory right?!
how do i stop this anxious cycle and overthinking?
Hey, actualy something similar happend to me , she broke up with me in august. She also said i was all in, then when she felt like im sad and i could actually leave relationship she just broke up with me. Then told me i cant be with someone just because i love him. Week later she told me she realized that she never loved me and it was just an infatuation. I was pretty secure , but this bs just made me anxious, destroyed my self esteem. I was grieving daily. Couldnt stand this. Hot cold. In october i decided to completly rebuild my confidance and self esteem. Its getting better, im feeling better, hitting gym daily, trying to talk to girls but not like im looking for someone, i just wanna practice conversations. I still miss her, but working to get over her. I think thats only possible way to break this cycle. I set some goals and hard working on them, so my mind is focused somewhere else. And those endorphines and domapines hitting nicely. Good sleep, healthy diet, and gym and running. Educating about attachment styles, relationships dynamics, all of these helped a lot and i keep going. Stay strong mate.
To both you guys; they were telling you the truth when they said they loved you.
They were lying later when they said they didn't.
They left because they loved you and that isctheir great fear. So they deactivate and tell themselves they never loved you to make leaving easier on themselves.
Earlier they were regulated. When they leave they are triggered and deactivating.
@@MudpuppyjuniorNope, opposite is true. They were lying when they used “I love you” earlier in the relational cycle to entrap and prevent their victims from leaving. After the inevitable dissolution, when their victims started to address the their inconstancies, then they told the TRUTH…it was NEVER LOVE.
I dig you. It sounds like you're capable of loving, so that's a good thing and I wish you good luck!
(apart from maybe getting advise from somebody and trying to clear up matters, I think it's better to not spend too much time on it, not if it means you're thinking in circles. If you can be constructive about it, yes, but apart from that, remember other things to do, other projects or people you care about, for the time being. )
This channel has my favourite content about attachment styles. I've had the chance to learn so much. Thanks Chris
This is the greater majority of people on social media! They say such desperate and dysfunctional things all in an unhealthy attempt to seek admiration and Pat's on the back! If your happiness depends on factors outside of yourself? YOUR NEVER GONNA BE HAPPY! The end.
You shouldn't get any likes. They'd not make you happy anyway.
Thnx a lot mister, finnally a video which is above my understanding about Human, i always see people telling how and what anxious or avoident person is,
But literary nobody tell how a secure person behaves, it really showed me my mistakes in my past relationship experience, and yeah i gave her space and process her emotions and it was fake 🙂,
And i am saying it after 1.5 year together so yeah 😅 i never walked away instantly i gave enough time, the problem is not "she not being with me" the real problem is "she not respecting me" she uses abusive language and that's what i can't tolerate so i left.
Thank you for the video talking about this and shining the light on the problems.
I'd like to think that I was breadcrumbed by a person that said that they cared and loved me. And I did what you stated. To simply watch and observe very closely to look for the consistencies in the persons behaviour. If they valued me, they would do things to confirm that they value me, right? And lo and behold, they did not. It was a rough pill to swallow of how there seemed to be a reoccurrence of people not valueing me.
Which makes sense cus my 2023 was full of the belief that "I am not worthy", and my world around me matched that vibration. Now through 2024 it has significantly sky-rocketed, but still I have to sometimes catch myself when I realize that I am about to sell myself short again.
My needs and wants are allowed to be met, and now I am watching very closely for a person that matches me and able to provide what I need and want, and of course, for me to share that in turn.
There is a greater calmness and gentleness with those I have around me and not expecting too much or rushing or demanding things even. Which feels great for me and that I have found much more emotional security. It is not always the case however, as I got my moments of emotional distress and where I need reassurance, and I do find it. The network I have currently is wonderful.
Trauma bonds hard to break, serial cyclical narcisstic players leave women broken. The breadcrumbing in this case is done to many as the pain inflicted is a form of misogyny, an ego boost. Single mothers, unhappily married women, young naive women all prey.
awesome video, my man. ex-anxious here. took me 14 months of therapy to be extremely secure. life is good.
This is one of my favorite videos of yours that I’ve heard. This was just what I needed. Thank you!
I love your videos about secure behaviour because it's exactly what I am doing 😅
If she says I'm not interested anymore, I'd let her go and don't come back, 😂
Ive always called it "I'll figure it out". Ive never had the term "breadcrumbing" to explain why i CHOOSE to stsy in yome situations, sometimes i just wanna see. I know im honest, i also know most people think im not, so i always feel like I'm calling others bluffs. It makes for an interesting life thats for sure. Fantastic vodeo much love!!!
This deserves millions of views 🙌
We validate ourselves and don't feel the negative patterns of others are not a reflection of who we are... We can also " "breadcrumb the breadcrumber" before we decide to just walk away as the " gamey" immature connection is just not worth it..
As I have gotten older, my tolerance, appetite and willingness to experience BCing, nonsense, drama. BS, victimhood, jealousy, etc., is virtually non existent. We don’t attractive who we want, we attract who we are. I started dating myself a few years ago, and then we fell in love. That has had a significant impact on my life. We teach people how to treat ourselves, and it’s not possible to give something away you don’t have. This is an interesting video, however, NGL, the punchline MUST BE to fall in love with yourself FIRST. Because time is short and if you don’t love yourself first, and I mean, really AND truly, unconditionally love yourself. It’s literally impossible for anyone else to love you in a healthy, like-minded capacity- breadcrumbing or otherwise :-) YOU MUST fall in love with yourself. This is a game changer. XOXO
I once met a breadcrumber and made it clear that I didn’t appreciate that kind of behavior because it felt unkind and disrespectful. To his credit, he understood and changed his approach. That said, I never considered him a potential partner. If someone is going to take my time and attention, there’s a minimum standard of effort and respect I expect. Without that, I see no point in engaging. I’d rather not reply and move on with my life than waste time analyzing a breadcrumber in silence.
Requiring consistency and communication isn’t being “clingy” or “insecure”. It’s a relationship need that many have. I don’t need to be in a relationship. But if I’m going to be in a relationship with you, then you’re going to be consistent and have good communication skills. That’s all. That’s the bar. Once you start breadcrumbing, that is both my clarity AND my closure. Just like the quote you reference, they are showing you who they are. And that person simply isn’t for me.
The man you describe isn’t a secure attachment style. You’re describing a guy who uses stoicism to play the game in order to silently manipulate women into reversing the Tom and Jerry chase. It’s a classic red pill tactic. Effective, but tactical nonetheless. I would be interested to hear what his personal needs are, and whether they are actually being met in his marriage to this “reformed avoidant”.
This was amazing! Thank you 😊
I'm working to be more secure and know my worth. Every time I get into a relationship I'm a nervous wreck until I find myself again. It feels wonderful to be secure
for those of us learning to be more Secure, how do you know when that "point" is where you've waited long enough to get clarity? If the answer is not to simply walk away immediately when someone starts bread crumbing, how do you know what an appropriate trial period is?
As unhelpful as it is, the answer is that it's whatever your personal timeline is, and that timeline often gets shorter the more healed you are. I'm mostly healed, so my personal timeline is 4 weeks. I will mention that I notice a difference and state my needs while also saying I want to discuss what's wrong so we can work through it, and if I don't see any difference in 4 weeks, I leave.
This is so personal for everyone. For me it took almost 4 years to come to that clarity point... And no I don't see it as wasted time. This connection learned me to become secure.
I started seeing someone who I had been friendly with thru my job for about 3 years. So we had already know each other. He pursued me first and I eventually became available to reciprocate. He started doing the push pull mixed signals thing after the 3rd week in after we had a great weekend and he let his walls down a bit and we definitely got closer. I sat back and observed even tho he was turning me a little anxious. By the 6th week in that’s when I decided I waited long enough to get clarity and simply asked him how he was feeling about me/things and what his intentions were. He ran a week a later. It may be different for everyone, but if I’m almost 2 months into seeing someone consistently and talking to them daily and I have no idea where I stand by then, time to have a conversation.
There's no actual calendar timeframe. When the time comes, you will know it and you won't second-guess anything. It will be clear and final
@@cornwallismorgan874I agree with this. My timeframe has shortened tremendously the more I healed. I had one last less than 2 weeks because *NO, JUST NO*
Most powerful video I have ever seen! Thank you ❤
"Knowing your value and walking away when the other person can't see it for what it is"
but first you need to know your value, that brings about certainty, confidence, and self esteem too. It makes you so others can't break you and then voila.
While breadcrumbing is a mirror to the one doing it, it's like a window to the observer. A mirror reflects the initiating image, whereas a window allows the onlooker to see through it for clarity.
I couldn’t have said it better about secure people. You are absolutely spot on.
Secure people look for validation from within not outwards. We learned that we have to be secure with ourselves before we can be secure with others. It's about waiting to see if their actions match their words. To see patterns takes time and patience. Also learning people perceive from what they know. Not everyone is going to have the same morals and values. So don't take others actions personally it's a reflection of them not you. How you respond is your responsibility. So if you're secure with yourself others actions won't affect you.
The key to this story is the dog. If the dog gets a lot of food, it enjoys it, when the dog gets a little food, it enjoys it. But it doesn't peg it's whole existence on the food it gets from that one person. Apart from that one person, the dog has its own life to live, other things to enjoy. Don't expect anything, but appreciate what is there.
We’re not dogs tho! 🤦🏽♀️
What a fabulous analogy! These breadcrumbers treat us like dogs!!
So often I’ve had people ask, “when/why are you going to end this?” Answer: once it’s irrevocably irreparable. Then, even the breadcrumber comprehends the utter futility of attempting to reconnect. Honestly, I get a little enjoyment watching their bereft befuddlement…they walk around simultaneously confused and morose. When it’s done, it’s done.
there is one misconception in relationship advices: everyone expect some starved person to pretend it is not - but in reality, this person needs a specific therapy to get in to "secure" position. Secure people dont have that issues, because they deal with it as they actually are secure - and they dont search for such advices
It’s about knowing your value, and walking away when they can’t see it. ✌🏻
I tried this with a DA and he did start improving. He even agreed to go to therapy... but the challenge is holding space while they heal but you also needing someone to hold space while you heal. The times I needed reassurance, support, I couldn't reach out. I always had to be the bigger person and let him slowly get comfortable and close to me. It became too much to behave this steady/patient. Sometimes It feels like there are not enough secure people to go around. I'm glad the guy in the video was able to tolerate his wife but I don't think I have the capacity.
It's more like a book. Let each chapter reveal their character. You are simply the reader
Thank you, excellent video. A good reminder to show up for yourself consistently and show up for other with confidence. And patience!! always be patient, there's time. My analogy is always surfing :D, a beginner tries to surf every wave and gets exhausted, better surfers know where to be and how to read the waves so they get the most out of it. Dont try and attach to every small emotion, let the real person reveal themselves!
I watch people like a cat will intently observe something curious.
And I met a person who came from Iceland who had an interesting way of scoring people. Everyone started at minus 200 and has the potential to reach toward a Zero score. I absolutely agree.
Pattern assessment and no expectations is really interesting.
At this point secure people feel godlike. Will i ever be like that
I don't feel like a god at all. I feel like I'll never find a partner, actually.
You wouldn't want to be a God. To be treated as a God is for your partner to constantly make mistakes and you forgiving them over and over again because you love them. They constantly tell you they are going to do better but always fail as they are human. They have a expectation for you to be perfect and the moment you mess up (you will because you're human) they lose all their trust in you even after you responded to their mistakes with forgiveness.
@@cornwallismorgan874This is the honest truth.
It's actually possible to be secure, once one stops running from oneself. What I will say is that it makes the dating pool look more and more repulsive as I become less and less tolerant of BS. I'd rather be alone than waste my time that I could easily reinvest more meaningfully in another area of my life
I've become more and more secure over the years, and I can finally say I am secure
This analysis is spot. It's someone who just isn't sure what they want. Used to bother me and cause me to act out in frustration. Now it doesn't. I'm still the dog, sure. But this dog is smarter. If you want to bring me a bowl of food I'll eat but I'm not going to come looking for it. I do reply to messages fairly promptly, thats just how i am with everyone. But I don't initiate contact anymore if the other half exhibits unstable patterns. But I can wait for contact, observe the patterns from an emotional and physical distance, occasionally enjoy some attention and if they disappear for weeks or months then reappear great, whatever. Now, I don't know why I only ever attract women with emotional issues from past trauma, if anyone ever can figure that one out well shit please let me know😂
Because 99% of all people have emotional issues, so the chance is pretty big you attract one of them 😆🙏
I used to wonder why I attracted people with attachment issues. Turns out I had some issues of my own that I wasn't recognizing because I had built up a false sense of security. Still working on it, but I am attracting healthier people.
Sounds extremely exhausting to be there waiting for them to come back…
Everything you said was my exact experience with breadcrumbing. It’s wild , I thought how I reacted was simply unique to who I was.
I actually found it really interesting when I was breadcrumbed.
Maybe because I had years of self love under my belt before it occured.
Codependency anonymous is amazing.
The problem is sometimes it's not even worth engaging certain people who play games, even if you learn a lot from it, you get immersed in their game by allowing them. Don't underestimate people's ability to charm you, even if you think you are strong in the beginning and playing back their games watchign them react. I done this in a social circle because, well, I been alone for a long time and really needed to socialise, until I no longer wanted to, until I learned the people were fake and the charmer was absolutely selfish, vain and cold. Even if I not slept with anyone, I feel debased that they thought of me that low. It makes for bad memories and feelings of worthlessness.
Agree to disagree. I’am secure if someone has these issues or plays games - I don’t observe. I just check out. It stands as a 🚩🚩🚩 they can heal on their own timeline.
Good advice. Here's my addition to the conversation , and you can quote me; "In relationships, instead of being a "day-trader", invest in "mutual funds"!
This is a truly wisdom in these comments...so focused and on the mark....great to find this advice...thank you Chris....your insights for such a young man....hmmm?
I have a narcissistic mother i had been no contact with for several years due to her toxicity. Couldn't breadcrumbing also refer to when she "offers" to leave me the family silver when she dies in order to rope me back in to her manipulations? (I was the "scapegoat" child) She has burned her bridges with everyone else and I'm the only family she has left (she's 91 I'm 70) and she alternately hints at leaving me family items and then when I don't respond, mention she may give said items to an acquaintance. Isn't that also a form of breadcrumbing? I mean, it could be a lure of sorts were i not aware of what's really going on.
Yes, it totally is breadcrumbing. Narcs absolutely hate it when people go silent and don’t listen to them any longer.
@yayinternets at the risk of sounding petty, I'm feeling some satisfaction that she gets to stew in her own juices! I had been trying to look after her due to her age but I'm dealing with my own terminal illness (that she is completely indifferent to) so I have gone NC and feeling intense relief as a result. Thank you for your response and have a wonderful new year!👍🎆🥂😊
@ Naw, not petty. After a lifetime of these people being so detrimental in our lives, there is some relief in seeing them finally get some consequences of their own actions. Good luck with everything and Happy New Year to you as well!
The last sentence sums it all up perfectly!!
Love all your podcasts, Chris. Useful information that makes sense. Amazing.