The irony is that they will put you through all sorts of tests, but they don't realize that they themselves are the untrustworthy ones because of their inconsistent hot and cold crap.
Yes this is so true I attracted dismisive avoidants, I'm anxious avoidant . They dismisive avoidants drive me crazy. I become more anxious and the fact that they are not save makes me to pull back. Because I don't trust them . I'm anxious avoidant due to a very traumatic childhood. I'm working on it I'm in therapy, it's hard it's crying because I'm faced to what I 've been going through.
Well, they can't trust themselves because they were probably deeply harmed by a parent, so they internalize that distrust and then project it onto others, because to resolve it would require them to introspect and self-reflect. And we can't have that.
I’m avoidant and reading this from both sides is very true. You don’t realise you were avoidant till you read something like this and understand what avoidant actually is, And it sad But i’ve had to break my own cycle of this silly pattern I hurt my self and everyone else, I can’t bring my past in to my future, I’ve learned to break my own cycle and allow love in, This is to all avoidant there’s a big ocean out there, dive in and have a go If you smack your head on the bottom you will eventually come back up Thats life 😊 Love is more important than loneliness Without change there is no improvement in your life 😊
I recently broke up with my avoidant partner. It's a terrible relationship! If you are a secure attached style person, you still will become so anxious as you've never been! And he sucks all the energy out of you! You're like dumping your love into a black hole, and nothing gets out to you. You're like being in a cold desert, staying alone and crying! And he just pretends he doesn't understand what's going on... Thanks God I am out!
How long did you put up with the behavior and what made you decide it was enough? I’m working through the heartbreak of it now. I want to say good riddance in my head and I guess I have but my heart is just wrecked by this.
@@LifeEnchanted.Thank God it didn't take long. I spent only 3.5 months on everything. After he started ghosting me for 5 days, I realized that something was wrong in this relationship. I decided to use the diary method. Everything I felt, I just wrote to him, like a diary. Yes, it was like spinning a flywheel - the more I wrote to him, the more anxious I became. But after some time, the opposite effect began, and the feelings began to let go. I saw his cold indifference and complete lack of empathy - he just watched me writhe in suffering. This behavior of his is simply disgusting! I was shaking every time he answered me - dry, cold answers! The funniest thing is that he thought I was so attached to him, completely in his power, but I just dumped emotions, like into a pit, to get rid of all this. And disgust took over. And I already broke up with him without any regret. Yes, it still hurts. But I didn't break him, and it's not up to me to fix him! I need to save myself from something like this!
@@LifeEnchanted. Thank God it didn't take long. I spent only 3.5 months on everything. After he started ghosting me for 5 days, I realized that something was wrong in this relationship. I decided to use the diary method. Everything I felt, I just wrote to him, like a diary. Yes, it was like spinning a flywheel - the more I wrote to him, the more anxious I became. But after some time, the opposite effect began, and the feelings began to let go. I saw his cold indifference and complete lack of empathy - he just watched me writhe in suffering. This behavior of his is simply disgusting! I was shaking every time he answered me - dry, cold answers! The funniest thing is that he thought I was so attached to him, completely in his power, but I just dumped emotions, like into a pit, to get rid of all this. And disgust took over. And I already broke up with him without any regret. Yes, it still hurts. But I didn't break him, and it's not up to me to fix him! I need to save myself from something like this!
@LifeEnchanted Thank God it didn't take long. I spent only 3.5 months on everything. After he started ghosting me for 5 days, I realized that something was wrong in this relationship. I decided to use the diary method. Everything I felt, I just wrote to him, like a diary. Yes, it was like spinning a flywheel - the more I wrote to him, the more anxious I became. But after some time, the opposite effect began, and the feelings began to let go. I saw his cold indifference and complete lack of empathy - he just watched me writhe in suffering. This behavior of his is simply disgusting! I was shaking every time he answered me - dry, cold answers! The funniest thing is that he thought I was so attached to him, completely in his power, but I just dumped emotions, like into a pit, to get rid of all this. And disgust took over. And I already broke up with him without any regret. Yes, it still hurts. But I didn't break him, and it's not up to me to fix him! I need to save myself from something like this!
They abandon the person first and get upset when the person stay gone… that’s absolutely insane. My Avoidant is finding out right now that if you play the abandon and slow fade game with me, I’m gone and will not come back. According to a mutual friend, he’s claiming to not know why I stopped talking to him and I guess he’ll never know because reason one, day by day I’m becoming more detached and finally starting to feel like myself and reason two I will NEVER give him the chance to blindside me like that again. I simply can’t bring myself to reach out to him and I honestly don’t want to.
It’s like they want you to fuck off because your existence is annoying them, but when you fuck off, they get shitty that you’re not there for their entertainment. 💩
@@karisma2482yeah stay away. Im on the same boat. Known him 1 year. Were officially for 1 month. Im so done. Started going to the gym feeling myself more than ever now lol
It's a no-win situation. If you don't stand for the behaviour and you withdraw, then they feel they're proved right - you will leave them. If you stick around and work to rebuild the connection again, then they know they can continue to treat you badly - pull away, be inconsistent, mess you around etc.
@jameslucas5590 ah but that's also what they do in those circumstances - that's part of distancing you. A friend is far less 'threatening', than a lover.
When a healthier person walks away, they FREE themselves to experience Respect and Joy and Love elsewhere - not this endless blackhole of useless nonsense. It's a no-win for the avoidant who, without the professional help they require, will continue to cause an unnecessary cycle of pain and failure. It's rather sad. For all concerned. Especially for them.
If you’re watching this video, you’ve probably been recently abandoned by a person with some type of avoidant attachment style. I know it’s comforting to want them back. Their hot-cold behavior got you psychologically addicted. I understand the pain - being abandoned suddenly when everything was perfect is horrible. You’re better than that. Even if you do perfect no contact, adjust your behavior and walk on eggshells to avoid triggering them - they’ll find a way to leave you anyway. And it hurts worse the second time. you’re better than that. You deserve someone that cares about your feelings. I’ve been broken for almost 9 months now. Pretending she was coming back got me through a lot of it. It gets better. I love you and I’m sorry this happened to you. You’ll be stronger on the other side but you didn’t deserve this.
We're in this together - healing for almost 7 months. And I see that she had tested me as mentioned in the video. And I failed. I wish for her to heal too - I'm afraid I'm becoming her phantom...
Needed to hear this. It's about to be 5 months and I've done perfect no contact. I curse myself for still wanting her, but I also realize that it just was not an emotionally fulfilling relationship and still wouldn't be either if she came back.
@Kavillion Greetings from San Francisco 🌁🌁🌁 thank you for your tip and comment...... I feel exactly the same although I am a middle aged female.....in no contact going on 5 months and honestly.....it's bs especially that I was so endearing to him I even thought I finally met someone my age who had never been married or had any kids which I thought was a little weird...but I thought better for me .....I only had my only child son who is now a young adult...... People fight to have my company but when it comes to picking a partner I get attracted to avoidants dismissive ethical and fearful......I am throwing the towel in.....I am tired of these avoidants.....thanks again sweetie for your tips......🌁🌁🍩☕🌱🌻🌿 🌎💙⛵🌺🌺🌺🌺😊
Avoidants should seek therapy rather than a relationship. Inflicting abuse on a partner can never be justified just because someone has "issues." Great video, very informative on what to look out for with patterns of behavior.
The truth is they don't put you through these ordeals until they're sure you're too deep in to interpret them as red flags and save yourself. They'll always hit you when you least expect it, and they'll always hit you when you need them the most.
Speaking as an avoidant I can honestly say, don't waste your time with us. I have been in enough relationships and my patterns never change. The more the relationship takes on permanent characteristics, this is a threat to independence as well as very stressful. Then the sabotaging begins in order to take back the inner world of independence and aloneness.
So heal yourself. It’s a wound brought on by how you were parented. Don’t sound so hopeless. This is totally fixable for anyone who wants to change and do the hard work. 0:25
He says in this video that their behavior is “borderline” abusive. No….its very much emotional abuse. It’s toxic AF and no one should continue to enable them by putting up with it. Until they get serious therapy for their trauma of childhood and past wounds or their common BPD so many of them seem to have, they WILL repeat these same patterns! Ask me how I know….unfortunately. Healing now and moving forward. Never again will I date an avoidant.
I put up with 1 year of this abuse. I finally walked away and honestly don’t care if that person now “proved “ that “we all walk away” I was left empty and broken. He pushed me to a limit I almost could not come back
I feel the same. Been the worst 8 months of my life. Im not even mad i lost her. Im just mad at her for leaving me with so much trauma that isnt my fucking fault. Im mad at myself for not walking away much sooner. Im mad that she moved on a few days after while i wasn't able to sleep without nightmares for 2 months now. Im mad that she destroyed 10 months of my life so far for a lousy few weeks of happiness. Im mad at myself for thinking that my understanding, empathy and space i gave her would lead to change. Im mad at falling in love while she kept chasing fuckboys that literally raped, hurt and degraded her and she loved them more than she loved me. Im mad at her for destroying my sense of confidence and self worth i used to have. Fuck avoidants. There should be a way to take these broken people out of circulation. They will keep destroying lifes for decades..
@ that’s horrible stuff. WOW. My relationship lasted two years but was off and on about every 2 to 3 months. I was drained and exhausted. My mental health was so bad. I gave her unconditional support and love that she’d never had before. She wasn’t cheating but when her avoidant triggers would come, the hot and cold, intimate then pull away stuff, would rear its head each time. It really was a roller coaster ride, emotionally. I know her story. I know her childhood. I understand and empathize with her trauma. But I didn’t deserve the emotional abuse. I gave everything and got so little in return. It’s been extremely difficult and painful to heal. I got addicted to her intermittent love reinforcement and my brain has been basically “detoxing” from her. I miss her sometimes. I really do. We had so many great memories together. But in between those, the anxiety and depression and walking on eggshells was just so exhausting and unfair. I had to look at my own anxious attachment and start healing from there. I allowed this. But I fell in love with who she showed me she was in the first 6 months. She wasn’t cheating amazing and was everything I ever wanted in a partner. But by the time I saw the red flags, I was already hooked and in love. So I just kept giving her the benefit of the doubt and kept trying and trying and hoping, that the old version of her would come back. She’s had zero therapy for her trauma and until she gets healing, she’s bound to repeat these same patterns over and over. Every time we’d get back together I thought, this time will be different. We’ve both learned from the past etc. But no….eventually she’d get scared of the intimacy and vulnerability and losing her independence and autonomy and she’d run away again and break me in a million pieces all over again. I told her this last time, if you run again, I won’t chase you. And she ran..and I didn’t chase anymore. I set boundaries and wished her well and blocked her on everything. I have to heal and let go. It’s so hard. I still love her so much. But I deserve someone who chooses me too, who offers consistency and who is emotionally available. Best wishes to you and anyone going through this hellish healing. It takes time.
Had 2x relationships with avoidants, each several years. Almost ended up there again. Thing is, they are not honest. They lure you in. They say what you want to hear. You can't overcome this. The solution is instead to have decided beforehand to leave as soon as it becomes apparent. Either that or mention these things to your new date, on the first date, and see how she reacts. If she turns quiet, you know.
Thank you Chris. No matter what stage of relationship you are, if the relationship isn't easy and if you can't be yourself, then its just not worth it. Self care means you recognize these red flags and walk away to protect yourself. Avoidants can choose to be in this death wheel and keep recreating the nightmare for themselves. The victims once they become aware, should just slam the door shut and leave forever. It's okay to accept that some people just can't be helped until they are ready to help themselves.
On behalf of all avoidants, so sorry to anyone who has dealt with us avoidants. I can see how and why we hurt you. I honestly never meant to hurt anyone. I grew up with two narc parents and knew nothing better. It hurts us too.
I grew up with narcissistic parents as well, but I managed to change dramatically in my adult years. If your behavior doesn't let you enjoy your life and build healthy relationship, it's important to seek help, it's possible to become better, for your own sake first of all.
I’ve decided to not apologize, but to change my behavior so that I don’t hurt anyone ever again (including myself-I’m an anxious-avoidant, so I both do this and am attracted to it).😢
@@bumblebee_ms *all* hurt others, especially insecure attachment styles! avoidants get *far* too much blame & not *near* enough empathy but *please* don't take the animosity many aim at you to heart as you're just as worthy of consideration as they are! i'm confused, your only other comment here is "i thought all avoidants were narcs too so i agree" just days before this apology... 🤨 are you saying you're a narcissist like your parents? or you didn't realize until a couple of days ago you're an avoidant?
I tried for ten years, I have no idea what more I could even do. I certainly have not been perfect either, no one is. But the hot and cold, and all the tests... It just weighs on you more and more with time. I just don’t want to do it anymore. I’ve tried talking to her, I’ve given her space, anything and everything. I love her with all my heart, but if I haven’t proven myself to her by now, then I never will. I can’t give another decade of my life to this.
9 years for me and I am taking the out unless I see change, she doesn't see her undiagnosed issues with her avoidant personality being the problem and will constantly put all blame on me. If they don't change, nothing will change and you can't make it better. Plan your exit while keeping an open mind of her changing "😂", stop being honest it will be used against you, stop waiting for her and do something that you want. They will use our happiness to destroy their own, until they get what their broken minds are expecting. Life is short, they don't know that.
Really appreciate Chris calling out the media for perpetuating the cycle of anxious over thinking about avoidance. Secure people just walk away. Chris's previous video about how secure people can see the patterns in someone's behaviour doesn't contradict that, secure people don't get anxious as much when someone pulls away but once they see the pattern that its because of emotional immaturity and an inability to introspect, they walk away
Thank you. You talk a lot about the Phantom Ex, but I noticed to me it's more like "Phantom "the One" from the furure" (who is also an idealized frankinstein of my ex's best qualities and qualities that correspond to my ideals & current emotional needs). And in the beginning of the relationship it always feels like "Bingo!", but then suspicions creep in and the realization of "oh no, I took you for somebody else who only exists in my fantasies, nvm"... That's on the surface, but underneath lies a defence mechanism of a game called "let me grow disappointed in you FIRST before you realize how horrible I am and grow disappointed in me and leave". (I'm most likely FA)
Not "borderline abusive" ......this crazy behaviour IS abusive. Three years of "testing" .....apparently the testing never ends no matter how much you "pass."
I made an ex go through that... for FOUR FKING YEARS. The next ex-partner also suffered from this, but as soon as I realized I was making the same mistakes and behaving the same way I stopped and just let her go before making her go through hell too. I'm both so sorry and deeply disgusted by this behaviour.
What you describe is the narcissist's tests for empaths that they can take advantage of, abuse, and keep in a constant push / pull trauma bond. Everyone tests others, but if they persist then there is something very wrong with that person testing you all the time. RUN!
i've been saying this sounds far more like narcissism! i'm an FA because of dealing with them & generally get along well with DAs who, like *all* insecure attachment styles, have negative reactionary behaviors that they aren't *consciously* doing but can become more securely attached unlike narcissists
@@r_and_a as someone who has done this, it's not narcissism. We do this because we feel deeply unworthy of love and "test" the other person until we break them "to prove" how "unlovable" we really are. Narcissists want to control and keep you close to use you. Avoidants want you close too, but only initially, and after the honeymoon phase, the fear starts to creep in (in my case in the form of "feeling insufficent" or "boring") and then the avoidance behavior starts until the other person gets tired and leave. Avoidants, unlike narcissists, want to feel loved but they very deeply don't believe they are worth loving and end up sabotaging an almost perfect relationship.
The MAJOR problem with us, AP, is that our "prize" is them opening up to us a tiny bit, that is so very sad that our standarts for human disancy is at levelrock bottom, we are so desperate to get something... anything... emotionally starved, that them opening us gives the biggest surge of feel good hormones we do not get elsewhere, that we are willing to be their doormats. That is so so sad 😢
I don’t know why we stay. We think we can fix them and it’ll be different this time we just endure enough we’ll get past it. Why are we doing this to ourselves?
Keep believing, forgiving, loving and trusting. The best rewards are from giving... not receiving. It's cliche... but Jesus will always love you and never let you down.
I am writing this with a freshly broken heart 💔 - Seriously, eff them. I have deepest compassion and a very nurturing, enduring, patient type of nature to me, I worked my bum to become secure. But I cannot consume my soul in the burning loops and tests of it, I have my traumas and losses too, Is he here for me too? No, he is not. His trauma takes all the air and space, deeply self centered, and I am done being his free therapist, it has traumatized me beyond measure and left me alone like never before. He is a stunning man but damaged and damaging, the hurt of wanting to love him and be loved is excruitiating. I cannot anymore.
I was with this type of person for five years, on and off. It was heartbreaking but I finally walked away for good. I may never go out with anyone again, but if I do it will not be an avoidant narc. I want joy, warmth, kindness and will settle for nothing less.
I'm impressed you were able to be his therapist. With emotional talk avoidants' are about as tight-lipped as they come. How did you manage to get him to open up? Asking for a friend lol
These are the stories that worry me most; I always felt this instinctively about my ex, as I rushed to his side when he had any challenges… but knew somehow he didn’t have that capacity for me. So glad to be free and healing, moving through the grieving process. I certainly hope you’re in full recovery and that we’re here learning new patterns of relating that will stick. 💜
@azoz158 That is horrible and I'm so sorry you were treated cruelly like that!!! Try to think of it as you dodged a bullet and escaped the further hurt and pain she would have given you. Sending up a prayer for your healing, God bless you!
The difference between narcissists and avoidants is that avoidants don't do it to manipulate you. They try to get you to leave before they like you "too much" and "need you", because they think you are going to leave no matter what and they don't want to get their hopes up.
In case of avoidants they do it subcounscoiusly, it's a survival mechanism, a knee-jerk reaction (bc if it's going too well - means something bad's gonna happen soon and they need to run, like when it becomes too silent in the jungle, idk). Whith narcissists they know perfectly what they are doing an their actions are intentional and calculated. Another difference - narcisissts enjoy seeing you suffer, while avoidant suffer themselves and are not having fun.
In a perfect world, yes. But most of us are operating unconsciously through a childhood wound. This is honestly the purpose of relationships. Without the mirror of the other we would never see this and evolve past it. It's beautiful in a way. People who find each other in this circumstance have the opportunity to expand and heal through the wounds being brought into the light. Bringing the subconscious to the fore front to be integrated into the personality. Growth is messy and it's painful in a lot of cases. It's not fun. But it's necessary to become more whole as human beings. This goes both ways. It's like a key and a lock. These two people both find each other because of the wounds they suppress. You both trigger what needs to heal in each other. The more that we consciously participate in the process of healing and letting go....having compassion for the wounds that we all carry to some degree is the truest Expression of Love itself. Compassion with healthy boundaries is needed.
@@ArielManxx No avoidance can do a consciously, but the aim is not to hurt somebody’s just to protect themselves and they can be aware of that and also at the same time. Hope that something just happens where things are OK there’s like a constant hope but it’s not strong enough to overpower the self sabotaging and the self sabotaging that also harm other people . You can be conscious of what you’re doing without doing an intentionally to hurt people Although I don’t think wants to avoid a nose, their tendency, they should stop dating until they are able to sort themselves out If they don’t stop then, yeah that can become narcissistic I think it really depends on how much accountability there is I’m avoiding and I’ve pushed people away early on because it was comfortable and I didn’t like feeling like I was being controlled by emotions which for me meant having any kind of feeling whatsoever for anyone But after the first time I did it, I recognized what I did and I didn’t get involved with anybody, knowing that I would not be able to form a close connection And I did try to reach out and apologize to the person that I hurt And I do warn people who are interested in getting into a relationship with me that I can’t go there And I don’t say I can’t and then get involved anyways I stand my ground And I don’t know if this is something that I’ll be able to solve because I really do like the feeling of independence and I don’t like the idea of falling in love and then obviously it’s a risk. It’s a risk every single day. I would just find it really humiliating more than anything so I don’t know. But I don’t get off on hurting people and I’m not interested in lying to anybody and I don’t test people. I just stay on my own. When I did first hurt people it’s because I knew how I was. I knew that I avoided closeness but when I first fell in love, I thought maybe this is something I could slow slowly be OK with in small doses I just couldn’t do it. . And I’m sure how I acted would’ve looked like a test to someone it did look like a test, but it wasn’t a test. It was me having an internal struggle and the outcome was autonomy won.
@@ArielManxxavoidants are not trustworthy. I don't believe this discourse, I don't believe that people that want to love will behave the way avoidants do.
What's also funny is that often, these tests don't make any sense. For example, they'll say that they need to be independent and alone, but they subconsciously want you to give them a lifetime commitment. I had an exact example of this this just last night with a DA ex. I offered him an opportunity but gave him a parameter that he had to fulfill, and he did not like having a rule, so he pushed back and tried to treat me like he never wanted to see me again. I wrote back, "Thank you for your honesty and clarity. " And then waited for the countdown for him to return. I thought it would take a few days, but it only took about 2 hours. As soon as you can detach and watch how they respond while you eat the popcorn, it is actually really entertaining. Your videos are so so helpful. Thank you, thank you, thank you. In case anyone is wondering, the reason I'm still in this dynamic is because I'm still learning more and more about myself every day. And I'm one of those kind of people that until I've learned the lesson and passed the test either his or mine then I'll just repeat the pattern until I learn it somewhere else so I might as well learn it all now.
No pun intended but his habits are eroding you off your self esteem. Speak to a therapist instead. They’ll help you discover yourself faster and healthier
I understand your reasoning and I applaud you. Its the only way to learn. I'm very much like you, I have to figure it out so I stop making the and mistakes. My problem is thaf I have too much empathy and get sucked in to old bad patterns. I'm learning so much from these experiences too. I don't think a therapist can offer the same insight.
@@lc-fu6xy Yes! And if you look at it from a "spiritual" perspective everything makes even more sense. (I even wrote a series of stories about it - changed my life in so many beautiful ways!)
The truth is that this builds deep trauma in us. I fully understand that I risk incorporating some dismissive avoidant traits myself as a consequence of my relationships with such people. Hopefully I've had my last DA.
@theknivjocke For me, it's been one of the biggest self-growth lessons of my entire life. I will forever be grateful for the experience, no matter what happens. Plus, I wrote a story about us that's getting a lot of interest and great reviews. All good stuff!
Oooooh yes! I've been in this for about 10 months now. Getting nothing but breadcrumbs. Trying to analyze, thinking, I can manage, thinking he will eventually realize that there is a woman who is there for him no matter what. In the end, he just dumped me because I was not able to read his mind and obviously failed one of his 'tests'. He refused to talk to me and so I cornered him and demanded clarification. It went the way I expected. He panicked and and refused, telling me, I'd just want to hurt him and he'd already told me everything quite clearly (well... he didn't) so I reacted the only way left for me to react. I told him, I loved him but as he obviously doesn't want me, I'm gonna get over it. And it wasn't just a statement. The last months have taken their toll and I did a lot of grieving on the way so as I took this final step, I was realy relieved! And now, 10 days later, I'm still better than on any day in the last ten months. I finally realized, I never before let a man treat me like that and that his condition led me to let him do that. NEVER again. Funnily enough I've gained a lot of confidence from this. I (in the end) wanted him to leave me (as not to enforce his narrative that every woman leaves him - I didn't want to cause any more damage) and I've learned a lot about myself. I'm strong - much stronger than he is. I'm a good person. I never ever would treat anyone like he treated me. I am perfect (yeah, nobody is ;) ) the way I am - the way I handle my feelings. I embrace my vulnerability, I'm honest (so honest it hurts sometimes) and I don't want it any other way! If someone can't handle that, I can pity them but I won't change it because deep inside I feel, that's the way it's supposed to be. And I'm proud of myself as I managed to write this without crying.
I have met one Avoidant, and that was enough for me. I would now recognize these characteristics early on. It’s a shame. Some of these people have a lot to offer. They just can’t. And won’t.
The best way to deal with an avoidant is to avoid them 🤷🏽♀️. I’m getting out of a two year situation with an avoidant and I am exhausted and will run at the first hint of another one.
This is so interesting & soooo true!! I’ve been through this it’s very hard work & it’s not fair on the empathic partner coz all you really get is bread crumbs so if ya wanna waste ya time coz that’s literally what the partner is doing with an avoidant & it’s also blocking you from finding someone that matches your own energy & or one that is on the same page as you 🙌✨🙌✨
Chris, it's like you explained my last relationship, just without using her name. Fascinating stuff and thanks so much for this insight. Learning slowly and the hard way, but levelling up to spot theses Red Flags with your guidance. Deep heartfelt thanks man.
'Progress in a relationship is about mutual effort, not endurance' - Thanks Chris. You're the best at explaining avoidants' behaviours with your explanations and backed them up with some solid stats. Now I don't want my avoidant dumper ex back anymore.
i'm so grateful my partner (DA) & i (FA) have ultimately been too stubborn to give up on each other as it's helped both of us become so much more securely attached as individuals & in our relationship 💜 hope your stubbornness has similar results!
@r_and_a it did and still does... but but but... It makes me feel less and less for the relationship and him. I am fearful as well, it made me more secure but at the same time he is my avoidant side kom out more, detaching more and more sadly. He said some nasty things that made me feel less and less... And when I told him he heard me with that he still thought he was in his right and doubled down on what hurt me. It kills most of my respect for him and thus the love.
They’re very guarded because they’ve been hurt before. They’re afraid that you’re just going to be the same as the last person who hurt them, or the same as their parent. This is why they test you.
If someone tests you over and over again (my case) and finally says you passed all my tests to then leave again, nope done. I let him back too many times. He’s 53! Apparently still a child
Yeah, we know all that because they probably shared some sob story about their difficult childhood. Well, we had one too so there's no excuse for their 💩 behaviour. Exit!
Test you by betraying you in a myriad of ways while you’ve treated them with utmost respect ; love and kindness and have tried to meet so many of their needs? Tests or trauma and an abuse? I’ve had several people hurt me including many of my family members. I don’t treat anyone like an avoidant treats me. Wouldn’t treat a stranger like that let alone someone else I love. Mine said he cheated because my kids weren’t great at doing dishes. Yet this guy didn’t lift a finger. This was an excuse; point the blame of what’s really going on inside him on someone else. There is deep serious issues with these people and it causes others extreme stress; pain and suffering. Trauma maybe the reason but it’s certainly no excuse.
Correct NarcS. Unfortunately, as codependents we attract abusive partners. Knowing the early signs of NPD BPD and testing the waters is important before allowing yourself to get hurt
It's common for relationships to encounter obstacles, but there is always a solution. My own marriage faced considerable issues, but with appropriate guidance, my husband and I worked through them and deepened our connection. Solutions are achievable if you're ready to work together. Stay hopeful-there's always a way forward.
Parting with someone you love is always a challenging process, but in my experience, I had the guidance of a spiritual guide who prevented my marriage from collapsing. His name is Father Akunna.
The problem is, most avoidants don't acknowledge they are part of the problem. In my case, he wouldn't even have a discussion about anything involving emotions. There was no way to ever resolve conflict because he was unwilling to try. Sadly, there was no solution for me except to leave.
Avoidants play their stupid mind games. I had a guy be totally awesome face to face but then crickets on text. I found myself feeling like I was begging for his attention so I had to move on.
Spot on!! Is excruciating for the Anxious!!!....who is the one that really has the fear of abandonment!.... but will show them security, love & that u arent going anywhere until u continuously go through this cycle/torcher & eventually after going crazy!....will walk away!!......Then the avoidant contacts again.....WTF!!!???
Kids with my ex wife, my new avoidant wife after 5 years together started referring to me by my first name when talking to my kids and instead of "your Dad said" it was "Name said".
Sounds toxic like she can’t bear to remind herself they’re your kids and not hers and that she will never have the label of “your mother” and will always come in third place to you and your children, not even second place, she will never be a priority. Im an avoidant who tried to date someone with kids and, I was on the fast track to becoming an evil step from the resentment of never being put first, so I abandoned the relationship after 11 months.
Someone said something recently that resonated with me. They said they don't value romantic committed relationships or monogamy. What shocked me is that I could relate to what she was saying, it made me consider if I am attracted to avoidant behaviour because it aligns with my own desire for freedom. It actually filled me with a new sense of peace.
@@carbonthoughtproject6037 I think we've been taught to value romantic relationships too much. It might be something the FA is trying to teach us, that there is value outside of "committed" relationships.
It is very simple. When you are the recipient of love bombing, as flattering as it is, get one foot out the door. Ask them about the relationship with their parents , and if the answer is a drama story, get the other foot out, walk away and never look back. It is not worth the small chance that you are not dealing with a toxic person, avoidant or another kind..
Very accurate. I kinda got to the point where all this is only turning me down in an instance. I found peace within myself and wont let that behaviour interfere with that. By now I just lose interest completely and let them know carefully. I'd rather stay alone than prove myself "trustworthy" and I think so does everyone with self respect.
Thank you, Chris. I had a lingering unanswered issue - two years after my avoidant relationship - about a specific type of experience. I expressed to them, towards what turned out to be near the end of it (he just discarded me in the end) in a moment of expressing my concerns, I said I feel like this is like a car always in first gear, and just when it seems like we're going somewhere it's stuck in first gear. Turns out my car and first gear metaphor was as you call - the cycle. I see now that I was being put through the testing as you describe in this video - I had past test one and test two (the phantom ex even) and instead of gaining his trust it just went on to test three - being run thru the cycle over and over again and again. Thank you! That was important information for me - to make sense of something that, given the oddness of the experience, I couldn't quite put a finger on. I'm so much better now and feel a major ick when I go back and revisit the experience.
I feel your pain. My 4 year relationship felt like the progression of maybe 1. He pumped the brakes, hesitated, resisted, and of course avoided every single even small step that resembled commitment or closeness in a relationship. It was incredibly painful to endure. I really regret not walking away sooner. It was like working constantly for two weeks straight, and come payday you had lost money instead of earning it!
@@kaylinnb I'm sorry you went through this. I did much less work, I was observing this as it was happening and the relationship was quite short - and it still was jarring!
Ever seen Charlie Brown try and kick the football? Lucy is your avoidant. There’s someone out there who WILL match your effort. Invest your time there.
The worst part of all this is that, later in life, we do realize we are doing this. I understand the anger towards avoidants, but I can assure you that none of us wishes to be like this. We also dream of having a perfect relationship that lasts forever, but we really do always screw it up. We always freak out when realize that we don’t ever want to be without that person. The thought of being happier with that person than we were before without that person just freaks us out, to a point that I don’t think someone who is not an avoidant is able to understand. To put it very plainly, it’s like an animal in a forest that would love to one day dive in a lake, sees other animals doing it and imagines how amazing it must be, but every time circumstances makes this animal “feel” that it will have to be done, fear takes over all its senses. Yes, fear, that is the feeling. It’s the most horrible thing, because this happens when you are most in love, and suddenly, simultaneously, we feel also the maximum fear we are capable of feeling. Love and fear at 100%, that’s when we run. I guess you have to have some familiarity with the lake since you are little to be able to swim in it, or at least, not be afraid of it. I understand no one wanting to be with us after all these trials, but we are not narcissists. If you recognize that the person you are with is an avoidant, you can say it or show a video and there won’t be any anger. An avoidant will either say “I know”, feeling embarrassed or, if that person doesn’t know, will recognize herself/himself in the patterns and cry, like all avoidants do when we realize it the first time. It’s when everything finally starts making sense to us about ourselves now and in the past. It’s like finally realizing that we don’t walk up straight like other people because one of our legs never grew to the size of the other, so we have one leg shorter than the other. I do think that once this is clear in a relationship, we feel understood, we trust more when the other already knows our defect. Trying not to sound cheesy here, but being alone and independent in the forest is amazing and it’s something no one can take it away from us, but we all want to dive in the lake when we see it.
@@Jules-vc1jv Hi Jules, I remember a few that I saw that enlisted our traits and that if your avoidant watches, it will click. I will find them and write to you again here. If it is of any help as well, although this video that we watched tells the truth, it does have a tone of “avoidants being mean” somehow. It’s actually very confused minds that we have and it all changes when we realize that we are avoidants. The reason I used to compare my boyfriend to my past relationships was to convince myself somehow that running away from him had a legitimate reason. All avoidants try to find a way out. We are afraid of the closeness and our happiness depending on being with someone else. We have mastered being happy alone (because no one cared how we felt when we were kids, even got dismissed if we manifested any emotional need) so this fierce attachment to being independent and not need others comes from there. We feel proud of it because “we survived”. In my case, it wasn’t even abuse, it was just 4 years (since I was 6 until I was 10 years old) when my parents weren’t well. I felt like just a furniture in the house. No cared how I felt about anything and if I manifested any emotional need the reply was exactly like the person that also commented here: “I don’t care what you think, grow up”. It’s like “deal with it yourself”. And that’s when avoidants are created. We are taught that what we feel doesn’t matter and that life is something that we have to deal with absolutely alone, no one will help. This is already something you can ask your avoidant, if at any stage of his childhood, he felt that he was on his own. In my case, my parents before and after that phase, have always been super loving and attentive parents. It’s amazing how fragile and dependent a child’s brain is. I can only imagine how those who were neglected and humiliated a lot more than me and for longer must struggle to be intimate with someone. Sorry, I tend to write a lot about this lately because my recovery is still recent and there are so many aspects to it that I am realizing only now. I’m sure your avoidant be relieved when realizes that he/she is one. I will find the best videos for you and will come back here as soon as possible in the next days.
HOW THE FUCK CAN I GET RID OF THAT SHIT? I'm so sick and tired of finding wonderful women that deeply love me and find me wonderful too but then having this need of "fleeing" the relationship or feeling "trapped" where fear of "commiting to the wrong person" starts to creep in slowly. Like if no woman would ever be enough. FCK DAMMIT!
It's so great that you are fully aware of your pattern, I think it's an amazing start. I would say that attachment oriented therapy can help, something relational... Maybe also, if you meet a wonderful woman who is patient, deep and understanding, who loves you, you can tell her that you have these tendencies to sabotage and fomo, but you want to fight for this connection, maybe this radical honesty can help you both overcome your urge to sever the connection... I was that "woman" who love an avoidant, talking about it openly helped. Strength to you and good for you for the awareness and the want to become better ❤.
It’s great that you have insight into your pattern and want to change. This is already a big deal since many avoidantly attached people never get there. Psychotherapy is the answer, especially for whatever trauma caused your avoidant attachment in the first place. Deep-seated feelings of unworthiness for love are usually due to childhood invalidation, abuse, and/or neglect. CBT is not the right kind of therapy since it’s too cerebral and focused on immediate problem solving, while attachment trauma goes pretty deep. I’d look into family systems therapy, ACT, DBT, exposure therapy, and somatic therapy for trauma.
In the book attached, it mentions that when you're partner is secure there is more likelihood you will because more secure too. I think it works better for anxious people and those with some avoidant tendencies not severe avoidants. Severe avoidants are absolutely unable and unwilling to stablish a healthy relationship. It's a wase of time remaining optimistic and hopeful for a real relationship. They are a good experience for friends with benefits or situationship stuff, if you want that, good luck go for them...
My ex had his phantom ex as his best friend 🙄 he was the nicest guy I've ever dated, and I've never left a relationship feeling so small and defeated. 😢
My DA came back to me after exactly 90 days of no contact. We had an amazing physical reunion for 2 days. I love her a ton but l'm remaining detached from her and to outcome to see if she has really changed after taking up therapy so she can be vulnerable towards me. Maintaining patience is a must and letting her reach out to me instead of chasing her down. Communication is up, however, it's sporadic. 5-10 messages thread then runs away for a few days. Seems like she’s running through these tests you are talking about. Keeping mindful, taking care of my own needs for the time being.
Im so sorry. 😞 Im an Avoidant and it feels so bad for me trying to be with someone when I deeply feel like I'm just causing more pain than anything else. The amount of shame & guilt I feel is excruciating. I just recently discovered that i was avoidant. I truly feel at a loss for myself & my relationship. I'm tired of this hamster wheel. I'm so dizzy & scared. How fast i go from so captivated by him to complete repulse. To me, this is ridiculous. But it's like... do I stay single? I guess. I mean, you know me. I don't mind. But the constant anxiety, overthinking, questioning/ suspicion/ untrust of ex, not wanting to be close & feeling literally disabled from showing intimacy & then having to hear about how much I'm hurting him is literal Hell & then feeling bad about that...😞 I just want to be happy. And I'm starting to feel the wear & tear of bearing the pain of awareness of my inability to overcome this & to show up as well as stuff from our past & then the constant need for reassurance. It's currently 2:13am. Im just at a literal loss. If you're watching this in regard to your Avoidant, I just want to say that we truly do not mean to be like this. I'm sure you've recognized instances where other individuals have interacted with your person and your person was such a delight. We're not asholes. We're not out to drain you or be in your way or hurt you. But clearly, this is deeper than I initially thought. To be honest, I'd rather be alone, thrive, heal in peace knowing I'm not hurting anyone & heal through platonic relationships where I'm being activated. The Dance of Distrustion is getting very old.
A very honest and open response there, that might not have been easy to pour your thoughts and feelings out like that. Thank you for sharing. The answer is no - you don't have to stay single. But if you want to break the cycle and make a relationship work, then it means doing a lot of work with yourself, probably with a therapist/counsellor, so you can move away from the avoidant tendencies and towards securely attached. And there is so much more to gain from an intimate loving relationship - than from purely a circle of platonic friendships.
Don't worry you will make it through. Therapy will work. Even people with borderline personality disorder improve with dbt. You got this, ignore people hating in avoidants, it's their resentment talking. They're immature
I too am avoidant (FA) but I did find my person and have quite successfully navigated a 13 year relationship. I still have my 'triggers', the idea of 'marriage' brings me out in hives but I am fully committed to this man, the love of my life and the father of my children. Has it always been easy? Absolutely not...but together through communication and fighting impulses we have found a balance and built a more secure attachment together, he is my best friend. I think what I'm trying to say is, as an avoidant you don't HAVE to be alone, you do, however, need to allow for the agonising discomfort (which will come and go like epic waves that will pass into a calming sea) and communicate, communicate, communicate!
@@FaithResurge i respect you so much for speaking openly about this since avoidants always get roasted and blamed a lot and there is obviously a lot of reason to it. But that is not the case if you show this awareness like you do here. The main issue & dealbreaker for me is that this type avoids the topic altogether aswell - lacking accountability and thus making it impossible to work through it. You seem to have the self awareness necessary to heal and if I'd met you and you told me this openly like here, I'd give you a chance to do so. Just by realizing this issue you already got to a point none of the avoidants i met have ever gotten to and thats honorable. I am sure you will heal your flaws and find what is for you
There are certain things you can only heal in a romantic relationship. Your oxytocin levels are low. The love and bonding hormone. As much as it may feel like you're dying, let them hug you for 20 seconds or more. Let them touch and massage your feet. If you feel anxious, ask them to rub the sides of your arms. Closeness and intimacy are nothing to be ashamed of. Own your mistakes and speak out your needs with grace and compassion. Be FAIR. Tell them all the things you appreciate about them. Tell them when you need space and WHEN you will return. You can break through this.
Thank you for explainig it so well and Clear.😊 Its strange, although, I went through a lot of Fun, joy,😮 pain and eventually deception in this relationship,. I now, during this reading of you, I can also feel a sort of humurous part in it. But mayby thats only because, I now can see and understand more clear what happend with me and with my partner during our relationship.
Anxious people should test partners before letting them in emotionally too. Like test them for avoidance. Avoidants have too many barriers up but anxious people dont have enough of them
Really annoying how Avoidants have all these underlying fears of trusting people, but then REFUSE TO GET HELP OR STAY OUT OF THE DATING POOL. No instead they just go and pass their issues onto the rest of us.
I’ve been in counseling off and on for years. If you think in this post pandemic climate someone’s taking avoidant personality type seriously, even as a professional you are sadly mistaken. You can barely get a proper diagnosis for a belly ache. Everything is depression and anxiety that’s the most you’ll get. As much as I’ve tried to stay out of the dating arena, some narc, another avoidant, or an anxious attachment person will always find a way to suck you back in. It’s a vicious cycle that I am deadly exhausted from.
My gf is avoidant. We were on-odd (best)friends for 7years befor becomming a cupple. I guess I went through the gountlet so many times, I’m just cold towards that behaviour now. one month into the relationship, she needed a break for 3weeks. She now is doing the phantom ex thing. I notice it, as she startet to complain about my height.
My avoidant ex; " i want you gone by next week " Me; "ok, I'll respect your wishes " Them; upset i gave up so easily. So confusing since they gave up first 😅
This video has come right on time!! I think I’m dealing with this now. The person I’ve been involved with just switched off completely after a good 2-3 weeks of what I felt was progress on his part. He’s reverted back to being distant and a bit insensitive. I am not happy with it so I’ve distanced myself from him a bit because it is definitely a bit hurtful. Today he pointed out that I was being dry. He is right- but I am not sure how to proceed. 🙆♀️
Went through the same thing, I ended up ghosting him because I’d distanced myself to the point it wasn’t even a relationship anymore and he didn’t seem phased lol we never had that “break up conversation “ but it’s evident that it’s over now
He's done this to me at least 6 times. I lost count quite awhile ago. I went no contact this last time. I've had enough. Haven't seen him for a month, and I never explained anything to him. If he gives a shit he can reach out, and he can apologize and change, or I don't need to see him ever again. Not going to fall for his tender, loving, attentive BS ever again. I know it won't last.
For someone you're beginning an intimate relationship with to be _testing you_ ... Ask yourself whether this is really what you want for a relationship. Would you stay with them if, on the third date, the punched you in the face, you know, as a "test"? Same thing with mind games like this. WTH has happened to the world that this has become a "thing"??
I dated an avoidant that I got along really well with. He wanted me to stay at his house every weekend. I asked him when he usually decided to make someone he's dating a girlfriend. He said around six months. We got to the six month mark and I asked him where we stood now. He basically admitted to me, without realising it, that he wanted me to be his ex fiancee, down to her job. I left the situationship, he was mad. Oh well.
That's in the past for me now , I feel loved by myself giving myself the love and care and have peace, happiness, success. I deserve everything as I work hard for everything
I like an avoidant man and I have a very anxious attachment style and it never gets anywhere except I’ve been on therapy for years - he’s never gone and won’t .
So what should us anxious people do? Become secure? That will give us access to only 1/3 of the population and even less because a lot of those people are already married. Should we play it cool and attract another anxious person with an unhealed parental wound or two? Should we find an avoidant who is conscious and willing to heal actively? Those are very rare. It seems like the odds are definitely against us.
There it is. What do we do in? This is why we stay though because we’re afraid, nobody wants to be alone. We’re looking for connection and honesty in a relationship. You fall in love with the avoidant because they don’t show these behaviors in the beginning and then you don’t wanna give up because you’re a good kind hearted person with your own wounds. Reading all the stuff makes you feel better that you can understand where it’s coming from and that it’s not you, but it doesn’t really heal your heart. We should run. It makes me so sad because I’m sitting here myself saying that it’s reached a point where I better off being alone than go through this. And that is a whole other level of sadness.
@nugget6635 Some of them aren't that avoidant, though because trauma (just like everything else) is on a spectrum. The real problem comes from finding somebody spiritually ascended (conscious and self-aware). Those people are rare. Those are the real ones, and it's usually the anxious and healed avoidants who are at a higher vibration.
oh sweet jesus, thats all four of my ex's including my ex husband... Dang it wish i knew all this way sooner lol but so important to be educated on very helpful :) Thank you.
They're broken to the core. And their abusive behavior is normalized even by family courts. Poor children of them... likely will be avoidant too, with a high probability to develop cluster-b personality disorder... as their mothers.
What can also happen, is the person that is forced to go through the gauntlet, eventually gets tired of it. That's about where I am at this point. I'm beginning to resent this person.
Speaking from experience prioritize respecting and loving yourself. If the resentment has already kicked in the end is near. Ask yourself how happy will you be after finally passing these test. In an attempt to prove that you are the right person for them they are unintentionally showing you they are the wrong person for you. My advice cut your loses and accept that you deserve better than someone who torments you the whole relationship.
Sounds like you’re describing the devaluation stage of a narcissist relationship. Devalue then Hoover you back when they realize you’re ready to move on. Don’t get caught in that loop.
As an avoidant who endured really traumatic things during childhood, I find this video really unempathetic. I’ve been in therapy for years working on my mistrust in relationships. Yes, I have avoidant tendencies, but this does not define me. I am also loving, caring, fun, adventurous, empathetic and a loyal friend. I resent being portrayed as a death wheel when I am consistently doing the work to change this attribute about myself (that I don’t like or want either). And yes, I do want to be loved just like anyone else.
My ex exhibited all the qualities you described during our 7 yr relationship....He was the love of my life, but whenever I tried to talk about feelings or if we had any conflict, no matter how small, he would turn on me. Sometimes viciously. I cannot describe the pain he caused me. I felt like he loved me and hated me, depending on the day. Broke my heart so badly because he just refused to discuss anything and kept me at arms length. People can change, but only if they want to and are willing to do the work. In my case, he wasn't willing to try.
"a loyal friend" yeah avoidants put their friends first, anything new? if you're incapable of being equal with your partner that doesn't make you any better than other avoidants. I think people like you should stay the fuck single until they fix their shit and stop ruining normal people's lives while they claim they're "doing fine". You're not doing fine. You have issues you're not rid of
Are we talking about dismissive avoidants or fearful avoidants or both? Cause I'm fearful avoidant and I'm not hyper independent but do need independence but also closeness.
One year and a half and it was unbearable. He had the guts to tell me in the face I needed to prove myself I was “deserving”. He didn’t give up with his tests not even when I got pregnant and had an abortion. Instead he pulled away even more. Literal abuse.
Chris, great analysis. I experienced all these tests...hurt, dissapointed, crying, isolated.. If I just go back 14 years ago, knew about all stages, I will leave as soon as possible... I think its even more complicated... bipolar avoidant?????
If I pulled away in silence and never told him why, should I call and tell him why I pulled away? I am feeling uneasy and anxious and feel like I should tell him why. It's been about a week and a half that I pulled away bc I couldn't take the breadcrumbs anymore, and I found some other woman's panties at his house and never told him. At first, he kept looking for me texts and calls. But now, he isn't.
The irony is that they will put you through all sorts of tests, but they don't realize that they themselves are the untrustworthy ones because of their inconsistent hot and cold crap.
Yes this is so true I attracted dismisive avoidants, I'm anxious avoidant . They dismisive avoidants drive me crazy. I become more anxious and the fact that they are not save makes me to pull back. Because I don't trust them . I'm anxious avoidant due to a very traumatic childhood. I'm working on it I'm in therapy, it's hard it's crying because I'm faced to what I 've been going through.
Well, they can't trust themselves because they were probably deeply harmed by a parent, so they internalize that distrust and then project it onto others, because to resolve it would require them to introspect and self-reflect. And we can't have that.
Yea every avoidance I've known was the problem in every relationship she's been a part of.
@purplebutterfly314 That is a VERY WISE STATEMENT, yes indeed, you nailed it!!!
Absolutely right I’ve just walked away from an avoidant schizoid person what a roller coaster ride - very painful and very cruel
"I like to test that my seat belt works by crashing my car into a tree."
Legit
That so accurate😭💔
And not just once....
And the car can never be fully restored after each subsequent repair. Degrading for each one. Who would have thought.
Uhm yeah.. how else would you know if your seatbelt actually works or not?
I’m avoidant and reading this from both sides is very true. You don’t realise you were avoidant till you read something like this and understand what avoidant actually is, And it sad
But i’ve had to break my own cycle of this silly pattern I hurt my self and everyone else, I can’t bring my past in to my future,
I’ve learned to break my own cycle and allow love in,
This is to all avoidant there’s a big ocean out there, dive in and have a go
If you smack your head on the bottom you will eventually come back up
Thats life 😊 Love is more important than loneliness
Without change there is no improvement in your life 😊
I recently broke up with my avoidant partner. It's a terrible relationship! If you are a secure attached style person, you still will become so anxious as you've never been! And he sucks all the energy out of you! You're like dumping your love into a black hole, and nothing gets out to you. You're like being in a cold desert, staying alone and crying! And he just pretends he doesn't understand what's going on... Thanks God I am out!
How long did you put up with the behavior and what made you decide it was enough? I’m working through the heartbreak of it now. I want to say good riddance in my head and I guess I have but my heart is just wrecked by this.
@@LifeEnchanted.Thank God it didn't take long. I spent only 3.5 months on everything. After he started ghosting me for 5 days, I realized that something was wrong in this relationship. I decided to use the diary method. Everything I felt, I just wrote to him, like a diary. Yes, it was like spinning a flywheel - the more I wrote to him, the more anxious I became. But after some time, the opposite effect began, and the feelings began to let go. I saw his cold indifference and complete lack of empathy - he just watched me writhe in suffering. This behavior of his is simply disgusting! I was shaking every time he answered me - dry, cold answers! The funniest thing is that he thought I was so attached to him, completely in his power, but I just dumped emotions, like into a pit, to get rid of all this. And disgust took over. And I already broke up with him without any regret. Yes, it still hurts. But I didn't break him, and it's not up to me to fix him! I need to save myself from something like this!
@@LifeEnchanted. Thank God it didn't take long. I spent only 3.5 months on everything. After he started ghosting me for 5 days, I realized that something was wrong in this relationship. I decided to use the diary method. Everything I felt, I just wrote to him, like a diary. Yes, it was like spinning a flywheel - the more I wrote to him, the more anxious I became. But after some time, the opposite effect began, and the feelings began to let go. I saw his cold indifference and complete lack of empathy - he just watched me writhe in suffering. This behavior of his is simply disgusting! I was shaking every time he answered me - dry, cold answers! The funniest thing is that he thought I was so attached to him, completely in his power, but I just dumped emotions, like into a pit, to get rid of all this. And disgust took over. And I already broke up with him without any regret. Yes, it still hurts. But I didn't break him, and it's not up to me to fix him! I need to save myself from something like this!
@LifeEnchanted Thank God it didn't take long. I spent only 3.5 months on everything. After he started ghosting me for 5 days, I realized that something was wrong in this relationship. I decided to use the diary method. Everything I felt, I just wrote to him, like a diary. Yes, it was like spinning a flywheel - the more I wrote to him, the more anxious I became. But after some time, the opposite effect began, and the feelings began to let go. I saw his cold indifference and complete lack of empathy - he just watched me writhe in suffering. This behavior of his is simply disgusting! I was shaking every time he answered me - dry, cold answers! The funniest thing is that he thought I was so attached to him, completely in his power, but I just dumped emotions, like into a pit, to get rid of all this. And disgust took over. And I already broke up with him without any regret. Yes, it still hurts. But I didn't break him, and it's not up to me to fix him! I need to save myself from something like this!
Good on you for getting out! You deserve somebody who is excited about you.
They abandon the person first and get upset when the person stay gone… that’s absolutely insane. My Avoidant is finding out right now that if you play the abandon and slow fade game with me, I’m gone and will not come back. According to a mutual friend, he’s claiming to not know why I stopped talking to him and I guess he’ll never know because reason one, day by day I’m becoming more detached and finally starting to feel like myself and reason two I will NEVER give him the chance to blindside me like that again. I simply can’t bring myself to reach out to him and I honestly don’t want to.
How long were u seeing him ?
@ around 6 months and been knowing him for a year.
It’s like they want you to fuck off because your existence is annoying them, but when you fuck off, they get shitty that you’re not there for their entertainment. 💩
Damned if you do damned if you don't.
@@karisma2482yeah stay away. Im on the same boat. Known him 1 year. Were officially for 1 month. Im so done. Started going to the gym feeling myself more than ever now lol
It's a no-win situation.
If you don't stand for the behaviour and you withdraw, then they feel they're proved right - you will leave them.
If you stick around and work to rebuild the connection again, then they know they can continue to treat you badly - pull away, be inconsistent, mess you around etc.
Ah YES, this is the irony of it!!! YOU JUST CANNOT WIN WITH THESE FOLKS!!! All you succeed in doing is continuing to HURT YOURSELF, worse and worse.
So you put them in the friend zone the second you realize this is the way they are.
@jameslucas5590 ah but that's also what they do in those circumstances - that's part of distancing you. A friend is far less 'threatening', than a lover.
When a healthier person walks away, they FREE themselves to experience Respect and Joy and Love elsewhere - not this endless blackhole of useless nonsense. It's a no-win for the avoidant who, without the professional help they require, will continue to cause an unnecessary cycle of pain and failure. It's rather sad. For all concerned. Especially for them.
@jameslucas5590 and then you miss out on any emotional and physical intimacy. I'm there now.
If you’re watching this video, you’ve probably been recently abandoned by a person with some type of avoidant attachment style.
I know it’s comforting to want them back. Their hot-cold behavior got you psychologically addicted. I understand the pain - being abandoned suddenly when everything was perfect is horrible.
You’re better than that. Even if you do perfect no contact, adjust your behavior and walk on eggshells to avoid triggering them - they’ll find a way to leave you anyway. And it hurts worse the second time. you’re better than that. You deserve someone that cares about your feelings.
I’ve been broken for almost 9 months now. Pretending she was coming back got me through a lot of it. It gets better. I love you and I’m sorry this happened to you. You’ll be stronger on the other side but you didn’t deserve this.
We're in this together - healing for almost 7 months. And I see that she had tested me as mentioned in the video. And I failed. I wish for her to heal too - I'm afraid I'm becoming her phantom...
Needed to hear this. It's about to be 5 months and I've done perfect no contact. I curse myself for still wanting her, but I also realize that it just was not an emotionally fulfilling relationship and still wouldn't be either if she came back.
It hurts less the 4th time…. Still miss her though. The highs were amazing and I was content.
Neither did you! Hope your next relationship is a healthier one:)
@Kavillion Greetings from San Francisco 🌁🌁🌁 thank you for your tip and comment...... I feel exactly the same although I am a middle aged female.....in no contact going on 5 months and honestly.....it's bs especially that I was so endearing to him I even thought I finally met someone my age who had never been married or had any kids which I thought was a little weird...but I thought better for me .....I only had my only child son who is now a young adult...... People fight to have my company but when it comes to picking a partner I get attracted to avoidants dismissive ethical and fearful......I am throwing the towel in.....I am tired of these avoidants.....thanks again sweetie for your tips......🌁🌁🍩☕🌱🌻🌿 🌎💙⛵🌺🌺🌺🌺😊
Avoidants should seek therapy rather than a relationship. Inflicting abuse on a partner can never be justified just because someone has "issues." Great video, very informative on what to look out for with patterns of behavior.
I think you're probably right, but most of us may not realize what issues we have until we're in a communal committed relationship.
I feel so sorry for the people who keep this no win cycle up. Run now.
The truth is they don't put you through these ordeals until they're sure you're too deep in to interpret them as red flags and save yourself. They'll always hit you when you least expect it, and they'll always hit you when you need them the most.
Of course. A pathological need for independence will be most severe when the partner needs the most.
Yep!!! Every time!!!
Mine ditched me the day of my Grandmothers funeral. She literally raised me, he knew this and did it anyway.
Speaking as an avoidant I can honestly say, don't waste your time with us. I have been in enough relationships and my patterns never change. The more the relationship takes on permanent characteristics, this is a threat to independence as well as very stressful. Then the sabotaging begins in order to take back the inner world of independence and aloneness.
bye Felecia!
That's my husband! I haven't abandoned the marriage, he has! We're both living alone and both lonely!
So heal yourself. It’s a wound brought on by how you were parented. Don’t sound so hopeless. This is totally fixable for anyone who wants to change and do the hard work.
0:25
WOW 😮😮
😭
He says in this video that their behavior is “borderline” abusive. No….its very much emotional abuse. It’s toxic AF and no one should continue to enable them by putting up with it. Until they get serious therapy for their trauma of childhood and past wounds or their common BPD so many of them seem to have, they WILL repeat these same patterns! Ask me how I know….unfortunately. Healing now and moving forward. Never again will I date an avoidant.
I put up with 1 year of this abuse. I finally walked away and honestly don’t care if that person now “proved “ that “we all walk away” I was left empty and broken. He pushed me to a limit I almost could not come back
I feel the same. Been the worst 8 months of my life. Im not even mad i lost her.
Im just mad at her for leaving me with so much trauma that isnt my fucking fault. Im mad at myself for not walking away much sooner. Im mad that she moved on a few days after while i wasn't able to sleep without nightmares for 2 months now. Im mad that she destroyed 10 months of my life so far for a lousy few weeks of happiness. Im mad at myself for thinking that my understanding, empathy and space i gave her would lead to change. Im mad at falling in love while she kept chasing fuckboys that literally raped, hurt and degraded her and she loved them more than she loved me. Im mad at her for destroying my sense of confidence and self worth i used to have.
Fuck avoidants. There should be a way to take these broken people out of circulation. They will keep destroying lifes for decades..
@ I’m really sorry that happened to you. My relationship was two years and I understand…my mental health was so bad near the end.
@ that’s horrible stuff. WOW. My relationship lasted two years but was off and on about every 2 to 3 months. I was drained and exhausted. My mental health was so bad. I gave her unconditional support and love that she’d never had before. She wasn’t cheating but when her avoidant triggers would come, the hot and cold, intimate then pull away stuff, would rear its head each time. It really was a roller coaster ride, emotionally. I know her story. I know her childhood. I understand and empathize with her trauma. But I didn’t deserve the emotional abuse. I gave everything and got so little in return. It’s been extremely difficult and painful to heal. I got addicted to her intermittent love reinforcement and my brain has been basically “detoxing” from her. I miss her sometimes. I really do. We had so many great memories together. But in between those, the anxiety and depression and walking on eggshells was just so exhausting and unfair. I had to look at my own anxious attachment and start healing from there. I allowed this. But I fell in love with who she showed me she was in the first 6 months. She wasn’t cheating amazing and was everything I ever wanted in a partner. But by the time I saw the red flags, I was already hooked and in love. So I just kept giving her the benefit of the doubt and kept trying and trying and hoping, that the old version of her would come back. She’s had zero therapy for her trauma and until she gets healing, she’s bound to repeat these same patterns over and over. Every time we’d get back together I thought, this time will be different. We’ve both learned from the past etc. But no….eventually she’d get scared of the intimacy and vulnerability and losing her independence and autonomy and she’d run away again and break me in a million pieces all over again. I told her this last time, if you run again, I won’t chase you. And she ran..and I didn’t chase anymore. I set boundaries and wished her well and blocked her on everything. I have to heal and let go. It’s so hard. I still love her so much. But I deserve someone who chooses me too, who offers consistency and who is emotionally available. Best wishes to you and anyone going through this hellish healing. It takes time.
Had 2x relationships with avoidants, each several years. Almost ended up there again. Thing is, they are not honest. They lure you in. They say what you want to hear. You can't overcome this. The solution is instead to have decided beforehand to leave as soon as it becomes apparent. Either that or mention these things to your new date, on the first date, and see how she reacts. If she turns quiet, you know.
Thank you Chris. No matter what stage of relationship you are, if the relationship isn't easy and if you can't be yourself, then its just not worth it. Self care means you recognize these red flags and walk away to protect yourself.
Avoidants can choose to be in this death wheel and keep recreating the nightmare for themselves. The victims once they become aware, should just slam the door shut and leave forever. It's okay to accept that some people just can't be helped until they are ready to help themselves.
On behalf of all avoidants, so sorry to anyone who has dealt with us avoidants. I can see how and why we hurt you.
I honestly never meant to hurt anyone. I grew up with two narc parents and knew nothing better. It hurts us too.
We all gon' be alright! 💁🏻♀️🙏🏽🪽
I grew up with narcissistic parents as well, but I managed to change dramatically in my adult years. If your behavior doesn't let you enjoy your life and build healthy relationship, it's important to seek help, it's possible to become better, for your own sake first of all.
I’ve decided to not apologize, but to change my behavior so that I don’t hurt anyone ever again (including myself-I’m an anxious-avoidant, so I both do this and am attracted to it).😢
so then dont punish us for their mistakes n 2 your depriving yourself of a good relationship due to your traumas
@@bumblebee_ms *all* hurt others, especially insecure attachment styles! avoidants get *far* too much blame & not *near* enough empathy but *please* don't take the animosity many aim at you to heart as you're just as worthy of consideration as they are!
i'm confused, your only other comment here is "i thought all avoidants were narcs too so i agree" just days before this apology... 🤨 are you saying you're a narcissist like your parents? or you didn't realize until a couple of days ago you're an avoidant?
I tried for ten years, I have no idea what more I could even do. I certainly have not been perfect either, no one is. But the hot and cold, and all the tests... It just weighs on you more and more with time. I just don’t want to do it anymore. I’ve tried talking to her, I’ve given her space, anything and everything. I love her with all my heart, but if I haven’t proven myself to her by now, then I never will. I can’t give another decade of my life to this.
9 years for me and I am taking the out unless I see change, she doesn't see her undiagnosed issues with her avoidant personality being the problem and will constantly put all blame on me.
If they don't change, nothing will change and you can't make it better.
Plan your exit while keeping an open mind of her changing "😂", stop being honest it will be used against you, stop waiting for her and do something that you want.
They will use our happiness to destroy their own, until they get what their broken minds are expecting.
Life is short, they don't know that.
Been doing this for twenty years. She hasn't allowed me to get any closer than day one. I'm only still here for the kids.
You're lucky you got kids. My husband doesn't even get that close.
Really appreciate Chris calling out the media for perpetuating the cycle of anxious over thinking about avoidance. Secure people just walk away. Chris's previous video about how secure people can see the patterns in someone's behaviour doesn't contradict that, secure people don't get anxious as much when someone pulls away but once they see the pattern that its because of emotional immaturity and an inability to introspect, they walk away
Wasted 7 years with an avoidant. Didn’t work. If they are not in therapy, walk away.
Therapy also depends on whether they will do the work.
Thank you. You talk a lot about the Phantom Ex, but I noticed to me it's more like "Phantom "the One" from the furure" (who is also an idealized frankinstein of my ex's best qualities and qualities that correspond to my ideals & current emotional needs). And in the beginning of the relationship it always feels like "Bingo!", but then suspicions creep in and the realization of "oh no, I took you for somebody else who only exists in my fantasies, nvm"... That's on the surface, but underneath lies a defence mechanism of a game called "let me grow disappointed in you FIRST before you realize how horrible I am and grow disappointed in me and leave". (I'm most likely FA)
Same!! Always get told by my husband about when he "meets the one, he'll let me know"
It would be nice if avoidants turned the critical eye onto themselves!
Not "borderline abusive" ......this crazy behaviour IS abusive.
Three years of "testing" .....apparently the testing never ends no matter how much you "pass."
Me too…almost 3 years. Can’t take it anymore.
I made an ex go through that... for FOUR FKING YEARS. The next ex-partner also suffered from this, but as soon as I realized I was making the same mistakes and behaving the same way I stopped and just let her go before making her go through hell too.
I'm both so sorry and deeply disgusted by this behaviour.
@JustGabe now that you understand yourself more, have you reconnected with any ex and talked things over? Do you still love them?
Exactly. They’re paying it forward.
What you describe is the narcissist's tests for empaths that they can take advantage of, abuse, and keep in a constant push / pull trauma bond. Everyone tests others, but if they persist then there is something very wrong with that person testing you all the time. RUN!
i've been saying this sounds far more like narcissism! i'm an FA because of dealing with them & generally get along well with DAs who, like *all* insecure attachment styles, have negative reactionary behaviors that they aren't *consciously* doing but can become more securely attached unlike narcissists
Im sick of it.
@@r_and_a as someone who has done this, it's not narcissism. We do this because we feel deeply unworthy of love and "test" the other person until we break them "to prove" how "unlovable" we really are.
Narcissists want to control and keep you close to use you. Avoidants want you close too, but only initially, and after the honeymoon phase, the fear starts to creep in (in my case in the form of "feeling insufficent" or "boring") and then the avoidance behavior starts until the other person gets tired and leave.
Avoidants, unlike narcissists, want to feel loved but they very deeply don't believe they are worth loving and end up sabotaging an almost perfect relationship.
Apparently avoidants are not per se narcissists, they have narcissistic traits. For me this does not really matter. RUN as fast and as far as you can!
The MAJOR problem with us, AP, is that our "prize" is them opening up to us a tiny bit, that is so very sad that our standarts for human disancy is at levelrock bottom, we are so desperate to get something... anything... emotionally starved, that them opening us gives the biggest surge of feel good hormones we do not get elsewhere, that we are willing to be their doormats. That is so so sad 😢
😔 watching the little girl’s light inside me who believes in happily ever after slowly dim to nothing with every heart break.
Yeah, disney sold us a lie
Happy endings are nothing more than unfinished stories. Every tale is a tragedy .
I don’t know why we stay. We think we can fix them and it’ll be different this time we just endure enough we’ll get past it. Why are we doing this to ourselves?
Keep believing, forgiving, loving and trusting. The best rewards are from giving... not receiving. It's cliche... but Jesus will always love you and never let you down.
Because things besides the love of a human man are supposed to light us up.
I am writing this with a freshly broken heart 💔 - Seriously, eff them.
I have deepest compassion and a very nurturing, enduring, patient type of nature to me, I worked my bum to become secure.
But I cannot consume my soul in the burning loops and tests of it, I have my traumas and losses too, Is he here for me too? No, he is not.
His trauma takes all the air and space, deeply self centered, and I am done being his free therapist, it has traumatized me beyond measure and left me alone like never before.
He is a stunning man but damaged and damaging, the hurt of wanting to love him and be loved is excruitiating. I cannot anymore.
I'm so sorry. I hear you. I've been there.
😭 I feel you
A kind heart suffers the most. My condolences.
I was with this type of person for five years, on and off. It was heartbreaking but I finally walked away for good. I may never go out with anyone again, but if I do it will not be an avoidant narc. I want joy, warmth, kindness and will settle for nothing less.
I'm impressed you were able to be his therapist. With emotional talk avoidants' are about as tight-lipped as they come. How did you manage to get him to open up? Asking for a friend lol
After 4 years of "testing", she left when I got cancer diagnosis. It's exhausting.
I am so sorry 😢 god will protect you.
@Freddy2Rumble ❤️❤️ he is the only one I am counting on rn
These are the stories that worry me most; I always felt this instinctively about my ex, as I rushed to his side when he had any challenges… but knew somehow he didn’t have that capacity for me. So glad to be free and healing, moving through the grieving process.
I certainly hope you’re in full recovery and that we’re here learning new patterns of relating that will stick. 💜
@azoz158 That is horrible and I'm so sorry you were treated cruelly like that!!! Try to think of it as you dodged a bullet and escaped the further hurt and pain she would have given you. Sending up a prayer for your healing, God bless you!
I know an avoidant who did the same!! After 6 years. OMG. Hope everything is getting sorted out ❤
To me, that sounds more like narcissistic behavior - manipulation. If someone really loves you, they won't put you down/ manipulate you.
The difference between narcissists and avoidants is that avoidants don't do it to manipulate you. They try to get you to leave before they like you "too much" and "need you", because they think you are going to leave no matter what and they don't want to get their hopes up.
In case of avoidants they do it subcounscoiusly, it's a survival mechanism, a knee-jerk reaction (bc if it's going too well - means something bad's gonna happen soon and they need to run, like when it becomes too silent in the jungle, idk). Whith narcissists they know perfectly what they are doing an their actions are intentional and calculated. Another difference - narcisissts enjoy seeing you suffer, while avoidant suffer themselves and are not having fun.
In a perfect world, yes. But most of us are operating unconsciously through a childhood wound. This is honestly the purpose of relationships. Without the mirror of the other we would never see this and evolve past it. It's beautiful in a way. People who find each other in this circumstance have the opportunity to expand and heal through the wounds being brought into the light. Bringing the subconscious to the fore front to be integrated into the personality. Growth is messy and it's painful in a lot of cases. It's not fun. But it's necessary to become more whole as human beings.
This goes both ways. It's like a key and a lock. These two people both find each other because of the wounds they suppress. You both trigger what needs to heal in each other. The more that we consciously participate in the process of healing and letting go....having compassion for the wounds that we all carry to some degree is the truest Expression of Love itself. Compassion with healthy boundaries is needed.
@@ArielManxx
No avoidance can do a consciously, but the aim is not to hurt somebody’s just to protect themselves and they can be aware of that and also at the same time. Hope that something just happens where things are OK there’s like a constant hope but it’s not strong enough to overpower the self sabotaging and the self sabotaging that also harm other people .
You can be conscious of what you’re doing without doing an intentionally to hurt people
Although I don’t think wants to avoid a nose, their tendency, they should stop dating until they are able to sort themselves out
If they don’t stop then, yeah that can become narcissistic
I think it really depends on how much accountability there is
I’m avoiding and I’ve pushed people away early on because it was comfortable and I didn’t like feeling like I was being controlled by emotions which for me meant having any kind of feeling whatsoever for anyone
But after the first time I did it, I recognized what I did and I didn’t get involved with anybody, knowing that I would not be able to form a close connection
And I did try to reach out and apologize to the person that I hurt
And I do warn people who are interested in getting into a relationship with me that I can’t go there
And I don’t say I can’t and then get involved anyways I stand my ground
And I don’t know if this is something that I’ll be able to solve because I really do like the feeling of independence and I don’t like the idea of falling in love and then obviously it’s a risk. It’s a risk every single day. I would just find it really humiliating more than anything so I don’t know.
But I don’t get off on hurting people and I’m not interested in lying to anybody and I don’t test people. I just stay on my own.
When I did first hurt people it’s because I knew how I was. I knew that I avoided closeness but when I first fell in love, I thought maybe this is something I could slow slowly be OK with in small doses I just couldn’t do it. .
And I’m sure how I acted would’ve looked like a test to someone it did look like a test, but it wasn’t a test. It was me having an internal struggle and the outcome was autonomy won.
@@ArielManxxavoidants are not trustworthy. I don't believe this discourse, I don't believe that people that want to love will behave the way avoidants do.
What's also funny is that often, these tests don't make any sense. For example, they'll say that they need to be independent and alone, but they subconsciously want you to give them a lifetime commitment.
I had an exact example of this this just last night with a DA ex. I offered him an opportunity but gave him a parameter that he had to fulfill, and he did not like having a rule, so he pushed back and tried to treat me like he never wanted to see me again. I wrote back, "Thank you for your honesty and clarity. "
And then waited for the countdown for him to return. I thought it would take a few days, but it only took about 2 hours.
As soon as you can detach and watch how they respond while you eat the popcorn, it is actually really entertaining.
Your videos are so so helpful. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
In case anyone is wondering, the reason I'm still in this dynamic is because I'm still learning more and more about myself every day. And I'm one of those kind of people that until I've learned the lesson and passed the test either his or mine then I'll just repeat the pattern until I learn it somewhere else so I might as well learn it all now.
No pun intended but his habits are eroding you off your self esteem. Speak to a therapist instead. They’ll help you discover yourself faster and healthier
I understand your reasoning and I applaud you. Its the only way to learn. I'm very much like you, I have to figure it out so I stop making the and mistakes. My problem is thaf I have too much empathy and get sucked in to old bad patterns. I'm learning so much from these experiences too. I don't think a therapist can offer the same insight.
@@lc-fu6xy Yes! And if you look at it from a "spiritual" perspective everything makes even more sense. (I even wrote a series of stories about it - changed my life in so many beautiful ways!)
The truth is that this builds deep trauma in us. I fully understand that I risk incorporating some dismissive avoidant traits myself as a consequence of my relationships with such people. Hopefully I've had my last DA.
@theknivjocke For me, it's been one of the biggest self-growth lessons of my entire life. I will forever be grateful for the experience, no matter what happens.
Plus, I wrote a story about us that's getting a lot of interest and great reviews. All good stuff!
I remember one time my avoidant ex said to me, “I’m afraid of the phase after the honeymoon.”
Now, everything makes sense to me …
Mines doing that pull away shit rn and she said the same shit bro
Oooooh yes! I've been in this for about 10 months now. Getting nothing but breadcrumbs. Trying to analyze, thinking, I can manage, thinking he will eventually realize that there is a woman who is there for him no matter what. In the end, he just dumped me because I was not able to read his mind and obviously failed one of his 'tests'. He refused to talk to me and so I cornered him and demanded clarification. It went the way I expected. He panicked and and refused, telling me, I'd just want to hurt him and he'd already told me everything quite clearly (well... he didn't) so I reacted the only way left for me to react. I told him, I loved him but as he obviously doesn't want me, I'm gonna get over it. And it wasn't just a statement. The last months have taken their toll and I did a lot of grieving on the way so as I took this final step, I was realy relieved! And now, 10 days later, I'm still better than on any day in the last ten months. I finally realized, I never before let a man treat me like that and that his condition led me to let him do that. NEVER again. Funnily enough I've gained a lot of confidence from this. I (in the end) wanted him to leave me (as not to enforce his narrative that every woman leaves him - I didn't want to cause any more damage) and I've learned a lot about myself. I'm strong - much stronger than he is. I'm a good person. I never ever would treat anyone like he treated me. I am perfect (yeah, nobody is ;) ) the way I am - the way I handle my feelings. I embrace my vulnerability, I'm honest (so honest it hurts sometimes) and I don't want it any other way! If someone can't handle that, I can pity them but I won't change it because deep inside I feel, that's the way it's supposed to be. And I'm proud of myself as I managed to write this without crying.
I am very proud of you!! And saving your comment so I can hopefully do the same
Don't let him come back, ever. He will waste your life and you deserve a worthy person.
If he blocks you, go celebrate because you dodged a bullet
AMEN AND AMENNN!!!!
I have met one Avoidant, and that was enough for me. I would now recognize these characteristics early on.
It’s a shame. Some of these people have a lot to offer. They just can’t. And won’t.
The best way to deal with an avoidant is to avoid them 🤷🏽♀️. I’m getting out of a two year situation with an avoidant and I am exhausted and will run at the first hint of another one.
The more I know, the more I feel it’s so brutal. Sad how things can be so complicated. Love should make us feel lighten up, this is so heavy.
Thing is, this behavior by avoidants is exactly what will make a secure leave. It destroys trust and intimacy.
true. i'm at the point to leave my own brother whom i love, but he is damaging me.
I almost feel sad for them... almost. They will never find and keep love or be happy with themselves.
Who does
This is so interesting & soooo true!! I’ve been through this it’s very hard work & it’s not fair on the empathic partner coz all you really get is bread crumbs so if ya wanna waste ya time coz that’s literally what the partner is doing with an avoidant & it’s also blocking you from finding someone that matches your own energy & or one that is on the same page as you 🙌✨🙌✨
Chris, it's like you explained my last relationship, just without using her name. Fascinating stuff and thanks so much for this insight. Learning slowly and the hard way, but levelling up to spot theses Red Flags with your guidance. Deep heartfelt thanks man.
Fuck avoidants. Nothing but heartbreak over and over again. I’m done and out!
That’s correct you’ll go get healing for yourself and move on from these emotional game players
'Progress in a relationship is about mutual effort, not endurance' - Thanks Chris. You're the best at explaining avoidants' behaviours with your explanations and backed them up with some solid stats. Now I don't want my avoidant dumper ex back anymore.
My partner told me " you are still here...you didn't go away so now i have to do something with that" 😁.
I just was too stubborn to leave 😅
i'm so grateful my partner (DA) & i (FA) have ultimately been too stubborn to give up on each other as it's helped both of us become so much more securely attached as individuals & in our relationship 💜 hope your stubbornness has similar results!
@r_and_a it did and still does... but but but... It makes me feel less and less for the relationship and him. I am fearful as well, it made me more secure but at the same time he is my avoidant side kom out more, detaching more and more sadly.
He said some nasty things that made me feel less and less... And when I told him he heard me with that he still thought he was in his right and doubled down on what hurt me.
It kills most of my respect for him and thus the love.
They’re very guarded because they’ve been hurt before. They’re afraid that you’re just going to be the same as the last person who hurt them, or the same as their parent. This is why they test you.
If someone tests you over and over again (my case) and finally says you passed all my tests to then leave again, nope done. I let him back too many times. He’s 53! Apparently still a child
Yeah, we know all that because they probably shared some sob story about their difficult childhood. Well, we had one too so there's no excuse for their 💩 behaviour. Exit!
Test you by betraying you in a myriad of ways while you’ve treated them with utmost respect ; love and kindness and have tried to meet so many of their needs? Tests or trauma and an abuse? I’ve had several people hurt me including many of my family members. I don’t treat anyone like an avoidant treats me. Wouldn’t treat a stranger like that let alone someone else I love. Mine said he cheated because my kids weren’t great at doing dishes. Yet this guy didn’t lift a finger. This was an excuse; point the blame of what’s really going on inside him on someone else. There is deep serious issues with these people and it causes others extreme stress; pain and suffering. Trauma maybe the reason but it’s certainly no excuse.
Correct NarcS. Unfortunately, as codependents we attract abusive partners. Knowing the early signs of NPD BPD and testing the waters is important before allowing yourself to get hurt
@@KD-hy3bi I understand. Sometimes people make mistakes. They just want to talk about things to have clear communication.
It's common for relationships to encounter obstacles, but there is always a solution. My own marriage faced considerable issues, but with appropriate guidance, my husband and I worked through them and deepened our connection. Solutions are achievable if you're ready to work together. Stay hopeful-there's always a way forward.
Parting with someone you love is always a challenging process, but in my experience, I had the guidance of a spiritual guide who prevented my marriage from collapsing. His name is Father Akunna.
The problem is, most avoidants don't acknowledge they are part of the problem. In my case, he wouldn't even have a discussion about anything involving emotions. There was no way to ever resolve conflict because he was unwilling to try. Sadly, there was no solution for me except to leave.
Avoidants play their stupid mind games. I had a guy be totally awesome face to face but then crickets on text. I found myself feeling like I was begging for his attention so I had to move on.
Oh Christ, I'll happily fail these tests and walk away. I have no time or energy for this nonsense
Me too. I am a very loyal person but having these tests are super heartbreaking, i would rather walk away.
Spot on!! Is excruciating for the Anxious!!!....who is the one that really has the fear of abandonment!.... but will show them security, love & that u arent going anywhere until u continuously go through this cycle/torcher & eventually after going crazy!....will walk away!!......Then the avoidant contacts again.....WTF!!!???
I’m pretty sure this is called emotional abuse. If you are “healthy” you will know how to discern what is good for you. This goes for both partners.
Thank you Seiter for saving us, masses could have been informed of this crazyness long ago, heartaches, lives could have been saved.
Kids with my ex wife, my new avoidant wife after 5 years together started referring to me by my first name when talking to my kids and instead of "your Dad said" it was "Name said".
Sounds toxic like she can’t bear to remind herself they’re your kids and not hers and that she will never have the label of “your mother” and will always come in third place to you and your children, not even second place, she will never be a priority.
Im an avoidant who tried to date someone with kids and, I was on the fast track to becoming an evil step from the resentment of never being put first, so I abandoned the relationship after 11 months.
One of the best videos I have come across for this dynamic.
Someone said something recently that resonated with me. They said they don't value romantic committed relationships or monogamy. What shocked me is that I could relate to what she was saying, it made me consider if I am attracted to avoidant behaviour because it aligns with my own desire for freedom. It actually filled me with a new sense of peace.
I kinda feel the exact same way my dear one is avoidant. I’m patient with her I do like the space tho I’ve dated clingy people and it’s just not it 😅
@@carbonthoughtproject6037 I think we've been taught to value romantic relationships too much. It might be something the FA is trying to teach us, that there is value outside of "committed" relationships.
It is very simple. When you are the recipient of love bombing, as flattering as it is, get one foot out the door. Ask them about the relationship with their parents , and if the answer is a drama story, get the other foot out, walk away and never look back. It is not worth the small chance that you are not dealing with a toxic person, avoidant or another kind..
So much me…. as the avoidant. Thank you- you earned my respect and subscription 🤗🧘♂️
Very accurate. I kinda got to the point where all this is only turning me down in an instance. I found peace within myself and wont let that behaviour interfere with that. By now I just lose interest completely and let them know carefully. I'd rather stay alone than prove myself "trustworthy" and I think so does everyone with self respect.
Thank you, Chris. I had a lingering unanswered issue - two years after my avoidant relationship - about a specific type of experience. I expressed to them, towards what turned out to be near the end of it (he just discarded me in the end) in a moment of expressing my concerns, I said I feel like this is like a car always in first gear, and just when it seems like we're going somewhere it's stuck in first gear. Turns out my car and first gear metaphor was as you call - the cycle. I see now that I was being put through the testing as you describe in this video - I had past test one and test two (the phantom ex even) and instead of gaining his trust it just went on to test three - being run thru the cycle over and over again and again. Thank you! That was important information for me - to make sense of something that, given the oddness of the experience, I couldn't quite put a finger on. I'm so much better now and feel a major ick when I go back and revisit the experience.
I feel your pain. My 4 year relationship felt like the progression of maybe 1. He pumped the brakes, hesitated, resisted, and of course avoided every single even small step that resembled commitment or closeness in a relationship. It was incredibly painful to endure. I really regret not walking away sooner. It was like working constantly for two weeks straight, and come payday you had lost money instead of earning it!
@@kaylinnb I'm sorry you went through this. I did much less work, I was observing this as it was happening and the relationship was quite short - and it still was jarring!
Ever seen Charlie Brown try and kick the football? Lucy is your avoidant. There’s someone out there who WILL match your effort. Invest your time there.
Avoid people like this. Deep down "the avoidant" knows.
The worst part of all this is that, later in life, we do realize we are doing this. I understand the anger towards avoidants, but I can assure you that none of us wishes to be like this. We also dream of having a perfect relationship that lasts forever, but we really do always screw it up. We always freak out when realize that we don’t ever want to be without that person. The thought of being happier with that person than we were before without that person just freaks us out, to a point that I don’t think someone who is not an avoidant is able to understand. To put it very plainly, it’s like an animal in a forest that would love to one day dive in a lake, sees other animals doing it and imagines how amazing it must be, but every time circumstances makes this animal “feel” that it will have to be done, fear takes over all its senses. Yes, fear, that is the feeling. It’s the most horrible thing, because this happens when you are most in love, and suddenly, simultaneously, we feel also the maximum fear we are capable of feeling. Love and fear at 100%, that’s when we run. I guess you have to have some familiarity with the lake since you are little to be able to swim in it, or at least, not be afraid of it. I understand no one wanting to be with us after all these trials, but we are not narcissists. If you recognize that the person you are with is an avoidant, you can say it or show a video and there won’t be any anger. An avoidant will either say “I know”, feeling embarrassed or, if that person doesn’t know, will recognize herself/himself in the patterns and cry, like all avoidants do when we realize it the first time. It’s when everything finally starts making sense to us about ourselves now and in the past. It’s like finally realizing that we don’t walk up straight like other people because one of our legs never grew to the size of the other, so we have one leg shorter than the other. I do think that once this is clear in a relationship, we feel understood, we trust more when the other already knows our defect. Trying not to sound cheesy here, but being alone and independent in the forest is amazing and it’s something no one can take it away from us, but we all want to dive in the lake when we see it.
Wat video can you recommend tht I can send to my Avoidant to listen to.
It doesn’t matter if „you are narcissistic“ or not. Grow up.
@@Jules-vc1jv Hi Jules, I remember a few that I saw that enlisted our traits and that if your avoidant watches, it will click. I will find them and write to you again here. If it is of any help as well, although this video that we watched tells the truth, it does have a tone of “avoidants being mean” somehow. It’s actually very confused minds that we have and it all changes when we realize that we are avoidants. The reason I used to compare my boyfriend to my past relationships was to convince myself somehow that running away from him had a legitimate reason. All avoidants try to find a way out. We are afraid of the closeness and our happiness depending on being with someone else. We have mastered being happy alone (because no one cared how we felt when we were kids, even got dismissed if we manifested any emotional need) so this fierce attachment to being independent and not need others comes from there. We feel proud of it because “we survived”. In my case, it wasn’t even abuse, it was just 4 years (since I was 6 until I was 10 years old) when my parents weren’t well. I felt like just a furniture in the house. No cared how I felt about anything and if I manifested any emotional need the reply was exactly like the person that also commented here: “I don’t care what you think, grow up”. It’s like “deal with it yourself”. And that’s when avoidants are created. We are taught that what we feel doesn’t matter and that life is something that we have to deal with absolutely alone, no one will help. This is already something you can ask your avoidant, if at any stage of his childhood, he felt that he was on his own. In my case, my parents before and after that phase, have always been super loving and attentive parents. It’s amazing how fragile and dependent a child’s brain is. I can only imagine how those who were neglected and humiliated a lot more than me and for longer must struggle to be intimate with someone. Sorry, I tend to write a lot about this lately because my recovery is still recent and there are so many aspects to it that I am realizing only now. I’m sure your avoidant be relieved when realizes that he/she is one. I will find the best videos for you and will come back here as soon as possible in the next days.
HOW THE FUCK CAN I GET RID OF THAT SHIT? I'm so sick and tired of finding wonderful women that deeply love me and find me wonderful too but then having this need of "fleeing" the relationship or feeling "trapped" where fear of "commiting to the wrong person" starts to creep in slowly. Like if no woman would ever be enough. FCK DAMMIT!
It's so great that you are fully aware of your pattern, I think it's an amazing start.
I would say that attachment oriented therapy can help, something relational...
Maybe also, if you meet a wonderful woman who is patient, deep and understanding, who loves you, you can tell her that you have these tendencies to sabotage and fomo, but you want to fight for this connection, maybe this radical honesty can help you both overcome your urge to sever the connection...
I was that "woman" who love an avoidant, talking about it openly helped. Strength to you and good for you for the awareness and the want to become better ❤.
seek help- *adam lane smith* seems an excellent choice.
you gotta face your intimacy phobia and trust issues.
It’s great that you have insight into your pattern and want to change. This is already a big deal since many avoidantly attached people never get there.
Psychotherapy is the answer, especially for whatever trauma caused your avoidant attachment in the first place. Deep-seated feelings of unworthiness for love are usually due to childhood invalidation, abuse, and/or neglect.
CBT is not the right kind of therapy since it’s too cerebral and focused on immediate problem solving, while attachment trauma goes pretty deep. I’d look into family systems therapy, ACT, DBT, exposure therapy, and somatic therapy for trauma.
In the book attached, it mentions that when you're partner is secure there is more likelihood you will because more secure too. I think it works better for anxious people and those with some avoidant tendencies not severe avoidants. Severe avoidants are absolutely unable and unwilling to stablish a healthy relationship. It's a wase of time remaining optimistic and hopeful for a real relationship. They are a good experience for friends with benefits or situationship stuff, if you want that, good luck go for them...
This is excellent and very well articulated Chris...
I am not a sucker for pain at all
He’s so blessed i love him
Thanks for the heads up
My ex had his phantom ex as his best friend 🙄 he was the nicest guy I've ever dated, and I've never left a relationship feeling so small and defeated. 😢
My DA came back to me after exactly 90 days of no contact. We had an amazing physical reunion for 2 days. I love her a ton but l'm remaining detached from her and to outcome to see if she has really changed after taking up therapy so she can be vulnerable towards me.
Maintaining patience is a must and letting her reach out to me instead of chasing her down.
Communication is up, however, it's sporadic. 5-10 messages thread then runs away for a few days. Seems like she’s running through these tests you are talking about. Keeping mindful, taking care of my own needs for the time being.
Im so sorry. 😞
Im an Avoidant and it feels so bad for me trying to be with someone when I deeply feel like I'm just causing more pain than anything else. The amount of shame & guilt I feel is excruciating. I just recently discovered that i was avoidant. I truly feel at a loss for myself & my relationship. I'm tired of this hamster wheel. I'm so dizzy & scared. How fast i go from so captivated by him to complete repulse. To me, this is ridiculous.
But it's like... do I stay single?
I guess. I mean, you know me. I don't mind.
But the constant anxiety, overthinking, questioning/ suspicion/ untrust of ex, not wanting to be close & feeling literally disabled from showing intimacy & then having to hear about how much I'm hurting him is literal Hell & then feeling bad about that...😞
I just want to be happy. And I'm starting to feel the wear & tear of bearing the pain of awareness of my inability to overcome this & to show up as well as stuff from our past & then the constant need for reassurance.
It's currently 2:13am.
Im just at a literal loss.
If you're watching this in regard to your Avoidant, I just want to say that we truly do not mean to be like this. I'm sure you've recognized instances where other individuals have interacted with your person and your person was such a delight.
We're not asholes. We're not out to drain you or be in your way or hurt you. But clearly, this is deeper than I initially thought.
To be honest, I'd rather be alone, thrive, heal in peace knowing I'm not hurting anyone & heal through platonic relationships where I'm being activated.
The Dance of Distrustion is getting very old.
A very honest and open response there, that might not have been easy to pour your thoughts and feelings out like that. Thank you for sharing.
The answer is no - you don't have to stay single. But if you want to break the cycle and make a relationship work, then it means doing a lot of work with yourself, probably with a therapist/counsellor, so you can move away from the avoidant tendencies and towards securely attached.
And there is so much more to gain from an intimate loving relationship - than from purely a circle of platonic friendships.
Don't worry you will make it through. Therapy will work. Even people with borderline personality disorder improve with dbt. You got this, ignore people hating in avoidants, it's their resentment talking. They're immature
I too am avoidant (FA) but I did find my person and have quite successfully navigated a 13 year relationship. I still have my 'triggers', the idea of 'marriage' brings me out in hives but I am fully committed to this man, the love of my life and the father of my children. Has it always been easy? Absolutely not...but together through communication and fighting impulses we have found a balance and built a more secure attachment together, he is my best friend. I think what I'm trying to say is, as an avoidant you don't HAVE to be alone, you do, however, need to allow for the agonising discomfort (which will come and go like epic waves that will pass into a calming sea) and communicate, communicate, communicate!
@@FaithResurge i respect you so much for speaking openly about this since avoidants always get roasted and blamed a lot and there is obviously a lot of reason to it. But that is not the case if you show this awareness like you do here. The main issue & dealbreaker for me is that this type avoids the topic altogether aswell - lacking accountability and thus making it impossible to work through it. You seem to have the self awareness necessary to heal and if I'd met you and you told me this openly like here, I'd give you a chance to do so. Just by realizing this issue you already got to a point none of the avoidants i met have ever gotten to and thats honorable. I am sure you will heal your flaws and find what is for you
There are certain things you can only heal in a romantic relationship. Your oxytocin levels are low. The love and bonding hormone. As much as it may feel like you're dying, let them hug you for 20 seconds or more. Let them touch and massage your feet. If you feel anxious, ask them to rub the sides of your arms. Closeness and intimacy are nothing to be ashamed of. Own your mistakes and speak out your needs with grace and compassion. Be FAIR. Tell them all the things you appreciate about them. Tell them when you need space and WHEN you will return. You can break through this.
Also avoidants dont have inconsistent caregivers, that's anxious people. Avoidants had caregivers who rejected their needs outright
Thank you for explainig it so well and Clear.😊
Its strange, although, I went through a lot of Fun, joy,😮 pain and eventually deception in this relationship,. I now, during this reading of you, I can also feel a sort of humurous part in it.
But mayby thats only because, I now can see and understand more clear what happend with me and with my partner during our relationship.
This guys is good. Love how he covers the red flag and the dysfunctional aspect of it.
Anxious people should test partners before letting them in emotionally too. Like test them for avoidance. Avoidants have too many barriers up but anxious people dont have enough of them
Really annoying how Avoidants have all these underlying fears of trusting people, but then REFUSE TO GET HELP OR STAY OUT OF THE DATING POOL. No instead they just go and pass their issues onto the rest of us.
I’ve been in counseling off and on for years. If you think in this post pandemic climate someone’s taking avoidant personality type seriously, even as a professional you are sadly mistaken. You can barely get a proper diagnosis for a belly ache. Everything is depression and anxiety that’s the most you’ll get. As much as I’ve tried to stay out of the dating arena, some narc, another avoidant, or an anxious attachment person will always find a way to suck you back in. It’s a vicious cycle that I am deadly exhausted from.
My gf is avoidant. We were on-odd (best)friends for 7years befor becomming a cupple.
I guess I went through the gountlet so many times, I’m just cold towards that behaviour now.
one month into the relationship, she needed a break for 3weeks.
She now is doing the phantom ex thing. I notice it, as she startet to complain about my height.
The graphics of this clip is off the charts.
watching this and finding out I'm the avoidant one 👁👄👁
My avoidant ex; " i want you gone by next week "
Me; "ok, I'll respect your wishes "
Them; upset i gave up so easily.
So confusing since they gave up first 😅
This makes so much sense to me know as I remember asking why are you so mean to me and the response was a hug, kiss, and him saying, “I can take it.”
I have a panic disorder after a shit relationship with an avoidant / narcissistic man
This video has come right on time!! I think I’m dealing with this now. The person I’ve been involved with just switched off completely after a good 2-3 weeks of what I felt was progress on his part. He’s reverted back to being distant and a bit insensitive. I am not happy with it so I’ve distanced myself from him a bit because it is definitely a bit hurtful. Today he pointed out that I was being dry. He is right- but I am not sure how to proceed. 🙆♀️
Went through the same thing, I ended up ghosting him because I’d distanced myself to the point it wasn’t even a relationship anymore and he didn’t seem phased lol we never had that “break up conversation “ but it’s evident that it’s over now
Very grateful for this knowledge - you're a blessing
Amazing art in this video!
It’s all AI tho
He's done this to me at least 6 times. I lost count quite awhile ago. I went no contact this last time. I've had enough. Haven't seen him for a month, and I never explained anything to him. If he gives a shit he can reach out, and he can apologize and change, or I don't need to see him ever again. Not going to fall for his tender, loving, attentive BS ever again. I know it won't last.
For someone you're beginning an intimate relationship with to be _testing you_ ... Ask yourself whether this is really what you want for a relationship. Would you stay with them if, on the third date, the punched you in the face, you know, as a "test"? Same thing with mind games like this. WTH has happened to the world that this has become a "thing"??
i agree - it is sick and should not be tolerated or justified.
I dated an avoidant that I got along really well with. He wanted me to stay at his house every weekend. I asked him when he usually decided to make someone he's dating a girlfriend. He said around six months. We got to the six month mark and I asked him where we stood now. He basically admitted to me, without realising it, that he wanted me to be his ex fiancee, down to her job. I left the situationship, he was mad. Oh well.
That's in the past for me now , I feel loved by myself giving myself the love and care and have peace, happiness, success. I deserve everything as I work hard for everything
The best content of all! Thank you! 🙏👍👍👍👏
I like an avoidant man and I have a very anxious attachment style and it never gets anywhere except I’ve been on therapy for years - he’s never gone and won’t .
Thank you 🙏🏼 this really helped me.
So what should us anxious people do? Become secure? That will give us access to only 1/3 of the population and even less because a lot of those people are already married. Should we play it cool and attract another anxious person with an unhealed parental wound or two? Should we find an avoidant who is conscious and willing to heal actively? Those are very rare. It seems like the odds are definitely against us.
There it is. What do we do in? This is why we stay though because we’re afraid, nobody wants to be alone. We’re looking for connection and honesty in a relationship. You fall in love with the avoidant because they don’t show these behaviors in the beginning and then you don’t wanna give up because you’re a good kind hearted person with your own wounds. Reading all the stuff makes you feel better that you can understand where it’s coming from and that it’s not you, but it doesn’t really heal your heart. We should run. It makes me so sad because I’m sitting here myself saying that it’s reached a point where I better off being alone than go through this. And that is a whole other level of sadness.
Become secure of course. "Access to 1/3" so what? Why is this a problem? It's better to spend my whole life alone than to meet yet another avoidant.
@nugget6635 Some of them aren't that avoidant, though because trauma (just like everything else) is on a spectrum. The real problem comes from finding somebody spiritually ascended (conscious and self-aware). Those people are rare. Those are the real ones, and it's usually the anxious and healed avoidants who are at a higher vibration.
@@LifeEnchanted. They try to provoke us into them being attracted to us from the projections of unhealed parental wounds. It's soul crushing.
@@CadePlaisance soul crushing. That!!
oh sweet jesus, thats all four of my ex's including my ex husband... Dang it wish i knew all this way sooner lol but so important to be educated on very helpful :) Thank you.
They're broken to the core. And their abusive behavior is normalized even by family courts. Poor children of them... likely will be avoidant too, with a high probability to develop cluster-b personality disorder... as their mothers.
What can also happen, is the person that is forced to go through the gauntlet, eventually gets tired of it. That's about where I am at this point. I'm beginning to resent this person.
Dude, same... It sucks getting 4/5 pieces right and then seeing how it's dysfunctional.
@carterpochynok4874 kind of like a game show but your not winning anything.
Speaking from experience prioritize respecting and loving yourself. If the resentment has already kicked in the end is near. Ask yourself how happy will you be after finally passing these test. In an attempt to prove that you are the right person for them they are unintentionally showing you they are the wrong person for you. My advice cut your loses and accept that you deserve better than someone who torments you the whole relationship.
Sounds like you’re describing the devaluation stage of a narcissist relationship. Devalue then Hoover you back when they realize you’re ready to move on. Don’t get caught in that loop.
As an avoidant who endured really traumatic things during childhood, I find this video really unempathetic.
I’ve been in therapy for years working on my mistrust in relationships. Yes, I have avoidant tendencies, but this does not define me. I am also loving, caring, fun, adventurous, empathetic and a loyal friend. I resent being portrayed as a death wheel when I am consistently doing the work to change this attribute about myself (that I don’t like or want either). And yes, I do want to be loved just like anyone else.
Well, then you're either
a- not the person he's talking about or
b- not aware of how toxic you are.
but if you're doing the work you are not the type that he describes. Props!
My ex exhibited all the qualities you described during our 7 yr relationship....He was the love of my life, but whenever I tried to talk about feelings or if we had any conflict, no matter how small, he would turn on me. Sometimes viciously. I cannot describe the pain he caused me. I felt like he loved me and hated me, depending on the day. Broke my heart so badly because he just refused to discuss anything and kept me at arms length. People can change, but only if they want to and are willing to do the work. In my case, he wasn't willing to try.
"a loyal friend" yeah avoidants put their friends first, anything new? if you're incapable of being equal with your partner that doesn't make you any better than other avoidants. I think people like you should stay the fuck single until they fix their shit and stop ruining normal people's lives while they claim they're "doing fine". You're not doing fine. You have issues you're not rid of
Are we talking about dismissive avoidants or fearful avoidants or both? Cause I'm fearful avoidant and I'm not hyper independent but do need independence but also closeness.
Give the avoidant all the space they want by leaving. Your sanity will thank you.
Loved it.............. every word is damn true👍👍
One year and a half and it was unbearable. He had the guts to tell me in the face I needed to prove myself I was “deserving”. He didn’t give up with his tests not even when I got pregnant and had an abortion. Instead he pulled away even more. Literal abuse.
oh no. i am so sorry to read that... 💛
Well fuck. I absolutely needed this today and simultaneously was not ready to hear it.
You Pass! Well, You Still Lose. As someone that has been in The Avoidant's Death Wheel (for decades) with the same person everyone loses.
Chris, great analysis. I experienced all these tests...hurt, dissapointed, crying, isolated.. If I just go back 14 years ago, knew about all stages, I will leave as soon as possible... I think its even more complicated... bipolar avoidant?????
If I pulled away in silence and never told him why, should I call and tell him why I pulled away? I am feeling uneasy and anxious and feel like I should tell him why. It's been about a week and a half that I pulled away bc I couldn't take the breadcrumbs anymore, and I found some other woman's panties at his house and never told him. At first, he kept looking for me texts and calls. But now, he isn't.
Gotta love a label to help you feel better…plenty of excuses to conjure up if you have a label …