People. Why do you want someone back who can't appreciate you or work on problems with healthy communication and boundaries like a mature adult? Don't try to get them back, the future is brighter if you put in the work. If you don't, you're hurting yourself. I've been there.
Agree. I’ve done the extreme avoidant relationships. This is by far the most pain I’ve ever experienced. I was married to a diagnosed sociopath for 25 years. ( I didn’t know until the end) Got into a relationship with a diagnosed extreme avoidant. After several years of therapy I can say I’m over this and moving on. I do not want him back and what I found is once I healed my attachment style and l healed from his abusive behaviors; I no longer find this attachment style attractive. I wish him well and moving forward as I’m worth much more than all that.
A person who rejected you, if allowed to get back, will hurt you again. Again and again until you regret taking him/her back. It's not worth the time and pain.
Yup, thought all was good, then out of nowhere, some normal comment I made, triggered her and gone, 1st 1-1/2 years, now a year, hurts worst the 2 nd time
We got back together 3 times now broke up and she admitted to talking to someone "but not until after she left me" she left me 10 days ago 😂 i wasn't born yesterday
Remember who they were and how badly they treated you when their mask slipped off and when they deactivated: the meanness, the coldness and stonewalling, the discard, the slowly chipping at your ego, the fact that they saw and knew you were in immense pain and confusion by their actions and didn't care, the way they self-soothed with new partners and alcohol and friends and their exs while you reached out again and again and all but begged to see them again and just resolve things in a loving way.... yeah, emotionally remember all that and what they put you through, and see if your dear soul and inner child would ever want to be near that toxic abuse again or if even logically such a person could ever make for a good and happy partner.
Exactly it's important to write this down and read it every time you feel any inkling of feeling drawn in by them again. Remember how horribly horribly horribly they treated you.
When I finally started understanding the mechanics of my relationship, and breakup, with a “vulnerable narcissist”, I viewed my urge to reunite as simply a withdrawal symptom from a toxic drug. Getting back together was more to make the pain temporarily go away, than about getting this person back because they were so amazing and good for me to have in my life. I always felt like shit about myself when I was around them, but I kept chasing that “first high” feeling from the love bombing days. I don’t miss them - I miss the feelings, which were based on the false presentation they gave of themselves.
Smart that you figured it out within the mess. I was completely clueless he was a covert narcissist. All I knew is that he consistently treated me like shit, and spun things around on me when I confronted him. I ripped myself away from him cold turkey on the 29th May 2022. I was so hurt and confused because all I did was treat this person good and cater to them. 1 year, 11 months free and my life is so beautiful! I now have a partner who treats me with love, care and respect... Still can't believe I went through that insanity though....
@@fruitypopwhickle6806 That is amazing! What you did requires so much more than the average breakup. It’s painful and infuriating. You feel like you’re taking crazy pills! It took me a loooong time to figure it out. I was married to the first narcissist for 25 yrs., and I wasted 12 yrs. with the one after him. Gee, did I have a pattern, or what? I’m just glad that I ever did figure it out, because many never do. They were a lesson to be learned.
@@kmduarte2005 Kudos to you too!!! It really takes soooo much strength. More than the average person would ever know... It does hurt to waste so many years on these individuals, but the good news is that they are out of our lives forever!!!! I hope you find peace, healing, joy, laughter and love in abundance. We've suffered enough, now it's time to live and enjoy life.💐💕🌻🌷💕
I got my avoidant ex back three times. Each time it worked for a time. But she just showed again that she didn't even want to spend lunch with me, just wanted me for rides so I'm going to stop having sex with her. I'm done with her this time around. Relationships shouldn't be this hard. Not even the sex is worth it. Who knows maybe we can actually be friends? Bottom line is this: relationships shouldn't be this hard.
I've walked away from people who I was crazy about, simply because I was too crazy about them and/or they brought out the worst in me. My sanity's not worth it.
@@asher6047 Tbh I can totally relate. It would be hard to actually be with someone you’re truly in love with. Imagine how hard it would be to focus on other important things like work or school when you’re being ignored or you’re “fighting”? You’d practically be obsessed. I actually relate to the OP here.
This is sad. For anyone who thinks this, you're missing out on something truly beautiful and rare. If you're crazy about them try to stick it out. It eventually smoothes out and gets more calm and it's soooo worth it!
@@asher6047I just did it. Hurts to know that she just wouldn’t ever be able to communicate in the open way I’d need her to, and I couldn’t see a long term future bc of that. I still love her with my whole heart, but I know I need things she can’t give. Sucks.
I 100% did the no contact thing, and she never reached out and found someone else very quickly. I wouldn't watch these videos and let them give you hope. If they don't want to be with you then believe them and move on. I'm sorry you're going through this. It will be tough, but you'll live.
But why you did no contact in the first place? I don’t agree with this no contest rule especially if my partner just ghost me without any warning. He knows exactly I’ll be hurt and in pain , he purposely put the dagger through my heart so why would I try to reach back when he doesn’t care and respect me by just ghosting instead of communicating and figuring things out together.
Ill be kind. But this is idiotic. No contact is NOT to get them back. Its to give Yourself the space to reflect and grow. Not only that but they tell you u have to forget them. Move on. If you keep thinking about them, then thats the energy you put out. That u havnt moved on. When they did move on. You come before You first and foremost. The majority of the time they feel the energy shift and creep around. It does happen. But the point of no contact isnt to wait for that moment. Its to be better, to make a good decision if the situation arises. Otherwise move on. Ppl get wrapped up with the pseudoscience, that they miss the whole point.
I remember you posting about the woman who got her ex back and she did ALL the things that made him want her again. What's wrong with that is that he wasn't coming back because he actually wanted to be with her. He came back out of fear of losing her coming from a place of desperation, jealously and ego. That's a recipe for disaster...esp if he's unhealed.
This is bull. Avoidants reject you because things are getting too close for comfort. Once they are away from you that feeling disappears so they are free to miss you and want to get back with you. Wash, rinse, repeat. It's that simple,
I’ve repeatedly kindly rejected him (the avoidant) because as a secure person I was not going to chase him and I’m not playing his games. He keeps coming back BUT nothing has changed so I keep asserting my boundaries. I pray for him and I do genuinely want what’s best for him. He needs to heal himself. I think that’s why he keeps coming back.
I hope so many people take your comment seriously. If more people were secure and didn’t entertain the behavior to begin with we wouldn’t have as many narcissistic people and the dismissive avoidants would have to get help and become secure.
This is where I am at the moment, my avoidant broke up with me for the second time and I put my foot down and said they would never be anything there more than friendship unless he sorted himself out. It has only been a week and he's already chasing but I will not do that again, I owe it to myself.
How do you know your a secure person? You may of been incompatible but he has wounds and their triggered by you. He may just be simply emotionally immature and confused 😕
Actually the research shows homeostasis is thrown out when their attachment behavioural system engages - Their stomach roils, their heart rate increases, breathing is shallower, blood flow is redistributed away from the extremities…. They’re not fighting anything except to quite literally survive in those moments
If true, this would explain a whole lot about my ex’s behavior. She ended it abruptly six months ago and did so in a rather cold manner. She wanted no contact the entire time, but reached out 17 times for various reasons (e.g., the holidays, taking me to a medical appointment). Lots of push-pull and flirtatious behavior, followed immediately wanting no contact again. A week ago she told me that she wasn’t going to attend my baptism (we are both Christians and she is arguably even stronger than I am), but said she wouldn’t be there because “it is hard to see (me) in person.” When I look at her behavior at a higher level, it would seem to me that she indeed misses what we had, especially since she talked about how amazing of a man I was to her and how amazing our relationship was. She ended it due to some significant miscommunication issues on both of our ends, and she never felt special enough in our relationship. I’ve made significant changes in every aspect of my life over the past six months - physically, financially, spiritually, etc. I find myself thinking that the only reason she could find it hard to see me in person is because she knows that the messed up, she misses me, and she realizes that she’s not going to find what I offered her on online dating. The whole situation is just so sad. All she had to do was wait a few extra days where we could talk things through as partners, but she instead hit the nuke button and blew up 4 1/2 years.
this is one of your best videos, by far. I wholeheartedly agree with you and maybe a few months ago I wouldn't have. I have healed and going back is not an option.
Dude, this is the most real video I’ve ever seen on this getting the ex back. You are helping me recover from my fifth and final break up from my FA. And yes, isn’t it contradictory that here I am on this particular video. I’m not interested in her coming back. I’m really trying to process what’s happened so many times, why I keep letting her come back and hurting me and how I break that cycle.
You are chasing a fairytale that you created in your own mind or that they presented to you it was never real. It's like a ghost and you have to realize that it was never real and it never will be real.
Some actors and actresses are very, very good. Stop watching movies a while. Or watch some but don't get sucked in. See them as the charade they are. This is helpful when actors and actresses waltz back into your view.
I appreciate learning why an avoidant will repeatedly pull away when you want emotional closeness and deserve to be valued as a person who truly loved them. When you spend time together and it seems as if you're a couple, when you ask them for a real relationship/ commitment. Don't be surprised if they call you a "friend"...or keep breadcrumbing so you keep trying to win them over so you'll stay around and feed their ego. That's when I accepted I will never have value, or be appreciated. I finally broke it off and I'm hopeful to find peace and move forward and work on myself. This was a push/pull over a few years. Safe yourself, I know it's hard but you can admit you loved them but they are not capable of reciprocating! Heal your inner soul, you deserve better!
If you're not satisfied with what you're doing, change it. Instead of trying to coach people to get back with ex's, how about coaching people to heal core wounds in themselves so they can have a better picker, love themselves, get boundaries and learn to enforce them, and not settle for people that have unhealthy behaviors and patterns. You attract what you are. Everyone deserves to be loved, seen and appreciated. Nobody deserves push/pull run/chase BS.
I totally agree nobody in the psychology field should ever be encouraging people to try to get back with an ex especially such an unhealthy person. They should only be encouraging you to move on. There's a special place in hell for people who would encourage people back into such horrible mental abuse.
I felt that people who want to heal their wounds won't look for RUclips videos to help them, they will just move on. But people who want to get back with their ex, will find anything that can bring them back together. It's probably for clickbait, but people should understand that after being explained by many videos, the answer will always be to work on yourself, and stop chasing the past.
The problem with getting an ex back is when you get them back rarely have they, the ex, done any work on themselves. So half of the problem that caused the break up still exists and will break the relationship again. Take it from me. Over 3 years of breakups and excruciating pain with the same broken woman. It is better to move on, if you can
THIS!!! When she messaged me after a month of no contact I could tell instantly there would be no change. The message came across like “it’s been a month you still can’t be mad, let’s go for round 3” No sorry, no talking about it, no changes, just sweep it away and pretend it never happened. I’m good…
Barely learning about the avoidant behavior at 39 years of age. For some reason I attract them. Dated 4 avoidants since my mid 20s and currently started dating another one 😢…. Luckily I have learned from my previous experiences and will have to end this relationship also. Too many damaged people out there folks
Watching this captivating video stirs up painful memories of the recent end of my 4 year relationship. My beloved partner chose to depart, leaving me with an unyielding ache. Despite my relentless efforts to reconcile, I find myself grappling with frustration and an inability to envision a future without him. Despite attempts to purge him from my mind, I remain haunted by his absence, feeling compelled to express my longing here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
Nah. If someone rejects me - i'm not taking them back. Sorry. Nothing & nobody is ever worth my mental health, sanity & dignity. Whatever their issues are , whatever labels they want to give it - idc. I'm not a rehab centre for crappy people.
The DA came back but now for the second time he decided to ghost me. I’m hurting right now - going through NC but it’s hard as just started. Don’t ever get back with them they haven’t changed despite then saying they’ve done the work and that they still love you. All lies. They come back because of ego and leave when someone else they think is better than you comes along and monkey branches to that person. Just don’t get back with them at all - it will just bring hurt and pain upon yourself Currently trying to recover from this - it hurts so much that I need to undergo therapy.
Hello dear. How are you doin currently?. I know your better now. And can look back at this comment and not feel a thing. I remember posting a comment a few years ago thinking I was goin through hell. Now I laugh at how silly I was putting so much devotion to a human being who's breath stink in the morning just like mines 😅 🤷🏻♀️. How dare I put that fucker on a pedestal like he was some god or something. I won't let that happen ever.
I really like the science behind your videos. I have been in no contact for 5 months after I broke it off. I have been using the time for getting myself better and do not have any belief that she will come back. LDR, she monkey branched into a rebound then to a relationship.
When someone shows you who they are and you refuse to believe them. You'll have no one to blame and deserve what you ask for but yourself, when wanting them back. When they show they don't value your love what more do they need to prove before you get it? They got all they needed from you now they're done. The most you should be hoping for is that they work on fixing themselves and the next person who enters their life won't experience what you had to from that person. When it doesn't work out the first time the universe is showing you they aren't your person so leave em where they are.
You are so right when you say it is an addiction. I’ve been dealing with this for years. get too close, pull back and run away, then try to get them back again when I start getting that craving and feeling. Then when we are back together a few weeks into the relationship, I start pulling away again. The high of getting back together is so amazing. I hate this cycle! All I want is a normal healthy relationship and to be healed from this crap!
To go to your point towards the end, I recently saw a tarot reader. Don’t really know why. Never done it before. I researched it a bit and basically told her I just wanted her to read the cards without answering many questions. I didn’t want to lead her. Well-blah, blah-she read me like a book. Unbelievable how she did it? I dunno. She immediately picked up on everything and without knowing what two questions I was wanting answers for, gave me answers and even went as far as giving the initials to the third party influence. Anywho, towards the end, she stopped and looked at me and asked me: “is this even something you want? Is this a battle you are experiencing?” Do I? If she says the right things and her actions back up her words. Do I think she is capable? I don’t think so. This dating world isn’t a lot of fun. It should be fun but as we age, the more baggage some carry around. Read a great quote the other day: “If you never heal from what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you”.
This was refreshingly honest. I've been on this anxious/avoidant cycle for three years, and we have broken up and reunited about five times. I am supposed to meet up with her tonight. My intention is to go and end the cycle with her, and that I would be open to discussing it again in the future. However, in the meantime I need some time for myself. We've both been doing work around our own attachment styles (I'm anxious, she's avoidant), but she doesn't seem to be making any profound progress, and I can't handle the emotional yo-yo effect.
Just reading your words gave me anxiety. You have a problem yourself, yet you see that she's not making progress? Does she think that you're making progress? I'm curious.
Your video came at the perfect time. I had an ex who I was basically like you say, I was addicted to them. I broke up with him even though I still wanted him. He was an assss either way. After thinking I had healed, two years later we spoke and the freaking feelings came right back and I was like wtf. One conversation and legit they came back. Stopped talking again for months because he didn’t respond after I called him out on being unhealed and that he needs to work on that. 😂 me too though. Anywho for a while I couldn’t stop thinking about the damn guy and then it started fading a couple months ago, and now I’m starting to feel like I’m almost there. During the time we’ve been apart I noticed what I did wrong in the relationship and saw so much of myself in him, so I’m compassionate towards him. So it’s been healing because I’ve opened my eyes. Now I know I wouldn’t be able to open up to this again. Simply because I know I deserve better 😊
Anxious ex here broke up with dismissive avoidant. Its crazy to break up with someone your crazy about. But clarity brings everything into a clear perspective. Stay healthy Mentally 😊
Ur on the more secure side. The avoidant just made u anxious. Been there for the first time in my life. Let her go. Hurt to the core but i love myself more. I will continue to grow she will continue to devalue, her loss not mines. I actually dodged a bullet. But at some point id love to help her by making her aware and keeping a Friendship
I am so happy I found this. I was in a scary car accident and my thoughts are clearer now. Rejection wounds hit deep for a while. I am at peace and focused on me.
Then get out of the reunion game and focus on how to move on from a relationship into a better one. You have so much to offer, put that effort where it's best placed, be true, detach from likes and sleep better. The best relationship advice is how to get into and maintain a healthy, reciprocal relationship. Go well 😊
Im a secure attached and my ex left on monday. I am not needy I watch actions, she left on her own accord, I wished her luck and moved on. If she comes back she has extreme hurdles to cross but I have plenty of options. In sad but I moved on and so can you
This film needs editing but the conclusion is the straight truth. Why do you want them back? Is it an addiction on your part too? Get them off the pedestal to be able to see them without the fog of love/addiction. This is likely to be surprising. If you have to dramatically change yourself to keep them it isn’t you they want, it is what you make them “feel” that they want. You deserve to find someone that wants you. Not as a source of a feeling but you. You deserve more than to be their drug (feeling) dealer of choice. At the end of the day if you have to change yourself that much you can’t sustain that anyway. I hope all that views this clip finds their heart’s desire. Blessings
damn right dude. love that. your content is actually pretty wholesome, feels a lot more real than the typical relationship coach. usually I avoid channels focusing on coaching (as a grad student in psychology) bc I can tell their “advice” is based on stereotypes that make the average person feel better. however, I like your focus on research and your interviews with clinicians - definitely adds credibility to your advice.
Love your honesty. I watched this video to get insights into my behaviour as an anxious person. Been dwelling on this for a while & I know that the reason I cling is because of my own fears of rejection, not being good enough etc so I invite someone to prove me right on my unworthiness. Essentially I've abandoned myself for avoidents, Paradoxically while I think I'm chasing & trying to get what I want, what I'm really doing is activating those famiiar rejection wounds which feel safe and what I really want is to run away from myself so I don't need to look deep within,I turn to another who I know can't meet those needs so I can repeat a familiar story to myself... Ie I'm unworthy of love.
Wow, such an eye opening video. Never would've thought about things this way!! Crazy how this even got recommended to me to see it in the first place...
If it makes you feel any better in relation to not enjoying helping people get their exs back, I’ve actually been watching your content in search of some sort of understanding that allows me to put my ex behind me in peace without allowing myself to get pulled back in once I feel semi-stable again.
Yup, I can agree to this. Just being able to understand what has happened and why it has happened has done me a world of good. Initially I wanted to see about getting my ex back but just watching these videos, I have already asked myself why I would want them back. And I don't have a good answer. These videos are helping me see reality.
The best part of your video is when the guest doctor said 'theraphy is an emotionally healing situation '. Its so true i developed a friendship with mu therapist and there was a sequence of events later that broke me because she made fun of my issues infront of her family, undermining my trust and feelings. I haven't talked to her in about 2 months since.
This came up at a good time. I’m two weeks in and already struggling not to reach out. I know it’s not for sure she’ll come back, but giving her space is my only chance.
No contact is not to get an ex back but is for the sake of a victim who was targeted by a severe narcissist or a psychopath,it is a boundary put in place to stop any further abuse.
Ok, this is what you do... It worked for me... After 4 years of being frustrated with my Avoidant partner, I finally had enough.... I'm going to lose her anyway, so I took my chances... I told her all the things that she had frustrated me, I don't hold back, I told her straight that she's an Avoidant and I list down what it means... I told her anything she says from now on will not matter to me, I'm not going to be angry anymore, hit me with anything you got, I'm not going to be bothered... The trick to telling them this is, to change subjects after every few conversations, don't let her start thinking and start reacting... Tell yourself, that whatever she says will not matter to you... Take charge of the situation, do not let anything she do gets to you... Keep on loving her, there will be moments that she's going to try to mess with your brain, just ignore it and just tell yourself it will not affect you... Soon enough she will stop playing these mind games because she sees that it's not affecting you anymore... It worked for me... Remember, during those feelings conversations, just completely change to a different subject and then go back to it again, don't let her react and don't let anything affect you, just ignore her nonsense and focus on the happy stuff, she will appreciate what you are doing and both of you will be much more happier
she returned to me, 3 weeks later only to message me that she didnt want to rekindle the relationship and she never wants to see me again. she asked for the small amount of money i owed her then we left it at that. i really have no faith now. ive been working on myself and it was a perfectly good relationship. shes just a fearful avoidant lol
Almost everyone said females that rejected you don't comeback, Be happy if avoidant ex doesn't come back .. If someone can break up with you one time and deny all of the pain he or she gave to you, they don't deserve anything.
Coach the person, not the problem. Once they’re in a better place mentally and emotionally then they are able to make decisions with clarity if they want to get back with a ex or not. I find that most people decide to move on because they’ve done the work to improve and have literally passed their ex in their personal development only to realize that going back to their ex is literally going backwards.
more often than not, reason to want the ex back, is because I am so disconnected from well being, that confuse my bad habits and the drug of anxiety with happiness. So, then the problem is not on the ex's side....
What we want so greatly differs from what we actually need. Seems my wants have served only to send me in the wrong direction. The redirecting process is not easy. But it's so worth it. It's a narrow path.
I like your content because you have always been honest, not just trying to make a buck off of others' heartbreak! Integrity is undervalued. Thank you:)
14:42 I want justice for myself & for him to experience the same pain he inflicted on me. I was super secure & never cared about relationships in the beginning. I don't easily open up & trust people with my feelings. once I started to feel safe with him, he discarded me. Now trusting people with my feelings are impossible altogether. I will not allow him to think he can just get away with that. that's why I need to learn what makes him tick, so I can use it against him. after that is done, my healing will complete
Omg this video was great. Its exactly what I needed to watch. Super informative, real, honest truth. Very refreshing to watch. I am now a huge fan of your content. Thank you!
We've known this is the issue for a long time because the dopamine and serotonin levels of being in love are very high and when you get broken up with that source is like being on withdrawal
Good video, and enlightening. When you said it doesn't bring joy to your heart bringing people back together that struck me as profound... I just found you and I'm wondering if you've done videos on helping out the avoidant...I will look. I think that's something that's really needed because they can change but they have to understand themselves and many, if not all, do not self-reflect. We can do everything in the world but if they don't realize they have an issue and face it, things will never work out.
I appreciate your honesty, i dint think ive come across anyone throwing out their own statistics and saying their fail rate and that they don't like the ex get back situation. Wow.
Hi Chris, thank you for this video! I'm just wondering - what about secure attachers that get broken up with by an avoidant? It's mostly about anxious attachers. Keep up the great content.
I just watched a bunch of your videos and the best thing you’ve said so far is that you hate trying to help people get their ex’s back. I’m only watching to understand him to the point that I can keep him out of my life. I want to understand his patterns. His underlying motives. I don’t want him back. I want him to get out of my life forever. He’s chased me relentlessly for 3 years. I’ve gone no contact for 6 months. He just knows my weaknesses and exploits them. He makes me weaker in the end. I want him permanently gone. As in out of my life and leaving me the f alone. He’s an abusive loser and while I’ve already spent considerable time understanding his emotions (almost exclusively as I’m not allowed to have an emotion) it is not in my best interest to remain with him. It never has been.
Chris, what you talked about the latter part in the video is extremely, extremely important, i.e to question why we want an ex back and whether it's worth having them back.
I think, instead of Fear of rejection or breaking up, to instead Honor The Moment. Reconciliation is an Opportunity to complete the story, to...finish the meal if you will, to finish what you started with this person! When you are still drawn towards someone even after significant heartache, there are still lessons to learn and sometimes, you can only learn those lessons with said person. If you are not meant to have everlasting love with this person, that does not invalidate the opportunity that this exchange provided for you. An opportunity to grow in ways you may not have before. It also helps bring you true Closure, and if you're lucky, the next time you break up, everyone is able to walk away barely scathed. Eventually, you want to have a strong self-concept that will never attract a dissatisfactory Love relationship. There is such a thing as harmonious uncoupling. I think, That should be the goal, not learning how to not get dumped and protecting the ego from rejection.
I love your honesty, data, and insights. I would also add that we also need to realize our own role in what led to the breakup. The mistakes we made. The things we would do differently, i.e. now that we know better, would/could we do better? For me, that's the hitter-on-the-spotter. The reason I might be open to another chance with my ex. If I am different then the relationship might be different. Maybe not, but until I learn what I need to learn, I have a difficult time letting go. Is it just me?
Why would anyone ever go back to an ex I will never understand. I go no contact not to make them desire me more but to keep them from being able to contact me while I heal and get over the break up.
What is the point of putting a “No Contact” period (21-45 days) if the whole point of it is to heal from the break up and come from a place of not caring if you want you ex back again?
It's never as simple as that. Most people want their ex back and are ultra eager to get them back. Getting them to put the breaks on for the reasons Chris described can take a lot of heavy lifting. So defining a No Contact Period is sticking with it is often a very pragmatic choice. Also, healing comes in different ways at different periods of time. Some breakups are temporary....a rush to judgement, hence the healing period may be shorter. Some relationships breakups may require a much longer no contact period (i.e. 60 days). There are so many possibilities and flavors depending on each individual situation.
Exzellent! I'm happy to have found your channel. Especially your honesty about getting them back is so spot-on. 1. WHY would I want it? 2. Are they WORTH of it? A 3. would be: Where it have a future together I WANT?
At the 8:29 mark: I tried therapy 3x. First time all I got was "well what do you think?" "what do you want to do" "tell me how you would go about it" and no matter how many times I asked him I wanted to know what he thought because I had absolutely no idea, he wouldn't reply, would just repeat "what do you think" frustrating! Years later I tired again with a female therapist and no matter what I told her I was told how "wonderful I was, nothing I did was my fault, poor you for having to deal with this or that." I left that therapist also. Years later I tired again, another female and got that same thing again..."nothing was my fault, everything was done to me I am the victim" no matter what I said I did or didn't do. I just don't think that is how therapy should be.
![Kodak Black - Catch Fire [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/A4ch-olIuZo/mqdefault.jpg)
People. Why do you want someone back who can't appreciate you or work on problems with healthy communication and boundaries like a mature adult? Don't try to get them back, the future is brighter if you put in the work. If you don't, you're hurting yourself. I've been there.
Hormones :(
Agree. I’ve done the extreme avoidant relationships. This is by far the most pain I’ve ever experienced. I was married to a diagnosed sociopath for 25 years. ( I didn’t know until the end)
Got into a relationship with a diagnosed extreme avoidant. After several years of therapy I can say I’m over this and moving on. I do not want him back and what I found is once I healed my attachment style and l healed from his abusive behaviors; I no longer find this attachment style attractive. I wish him well and moving forward as I’m worth much more than all that.
Loneliness and selective memories of good times
Because they couldn’t find anyone new
@@UnacceptableTeepain is unbearable! Thank you for sharing. You have been a great reminder for me to keep up no contact .
A person who rejected you, if allowed to get back, will hurt you again. Again and again until you regret taking him/her back. It's not worth the time and pain.
Definitely feeling the pain right now 😢
It’s a comfort zone for someone who is scared of feeling zero pain
Yup, thought all was good, then out of nowhere, some normal comment I made, triggered her and gone, 1st 1-1/2 years, now a year, hurts worst the 2 nd time
We got back together 3 times now broke up and she admitted to talking to someone "but not until after she left me" she left me 10 days ago 😂 i wasn't born yesterday
In the end, If you have to force it, it's not your size
I love that I will keep that saying for the rest of my life. Thank you for sharing that.
If it don’t fit you must acquit
That's deep. I like it.
if i need a phd in psychology its too much work to get back an avoidant
Love it 😂
Remember who they were and how badly they treated you when their mask slipped off and when they deactivated: the meanness, the coldness and stonewalling, the discard, the slowly chipping at your ego, the fact that they saw and knew you were in immense pain and confusion by their actions and didn't care, the way they self-soothed with new partners and alcohol and friends and their exs while you reached out again and again and all but begged to see them again and just resolve things in a loving way.... yeah, emotionally remember all that and what they put you through, and see if your dear soul and inner child would ever want to be near that toxic abuse again or if even logically such a person could ever make for a good and happy partner.
I do
🥹Thanks For
This
For Real👍🏼
😢
Exactly it's important to write this down and read it every time you feel any inkling of feeling drawn in by them again.
Remember how horribly horribly horribly they treated you.
I really needed to see this comment right now. Thank you.🧡
When I finally started understanding the mechanics of my relationship, and breakup, with a “vulnerable narcissist”, I viewed my urge to reunite as simply a withdrawal symptom from a toxic drug. Getting back together was more to make the pain temporarily go away, than about getting this person back because they were so amazing and good for me to have in my life.
I always felt like shit about myself when I was around them, but I kept chasing that “first high” feeling from the love bombing days.
I don’t miss them - I miss the feelings, which were based on the false presentation they gave of themselves.
This. Just so perfectly stated.
Smart that you figured it out within the mess. I was completely clueless he was a covert narcissist. All I knew is that he consistently treated me like shit, and spun things around on me when I confronted him. I ripped myself away from him cold turkey on the 29th May 2022. I was so hurt and confused because all I did was treat this person good and cater to them. 1 year, 11 months free and my life is so beautiful! I now have a partner who treats me with love, care and respect... Still can't believe I went through that insanity though....
@@fruitypopwhickle6806 That is amazing! What you did requires so much more than the average breakup. It’s painful and infuriating. You feel like you’re taking crazy pills!
It took me a loooong time to figure it out. I was married to the first narcissist for 25 yrs., and I wasted 12 yrs. with the one after him. Gee, did I have a pattern, or what?
I’m just glad that I ever did figure it out, because many never do.
They were a lesson to be learned.
@@blakegillette839 ✨🦋✨
@@kmduarte2005 Kudos to you too!!! It really takes soooo much strength. More than the average person would ever know... It does hurt to waste so many years on these individuals, but the good news is that they are out of our lives forever!!!! I hope you find peace, healing, joy, laughter and love in abundance. We've suffered enough, now it's time to live and enjoy life.💐💕🌻🌷💕
Rejection is redirection to something better. Dont try to get them back !
Is this always true though? I really wonder.
@@denneciacarter If we live in a simulation yes. It could only be a test. A no win scenario.
It's monkey-branching
That’s only your view point lol
I got my avoidant ex back three times. Each time it worked for a time. But she just showed again that she didn't even want to spend lunch with me, just wanted me for rides so I'm going to stop having sex with her. I'm done with her this time around. Relationships shouldn't be this hard. Not even the sex is worth it. Who knows maybe we can actually be friends?
Bottom line is this: relationships shouldn't be this hard.
I've walked away from people who I was crazy about, simply because I was too crazy about them and/or they brought out the worst in me. My sanity's not worth it.
Interesting. Are you perhaps avoidant?
How do you walk away from someone you are crazy about
@@asher6047 Tbh I can totally relate. It would be hard to actually be with someone you’re truly in love with. Imagine how hard it would be to focus on other important things like work or school when you’re being ignored or you’re “fighting”? You’d practically be obsessed. I actually relate to the OP here.
This is sad. For anyone who thinks this, you're missing out on something truly beautiful and rare. If you're crazy about them try to stick it out. It eventually smoothes out and gets more calm and it's soooo worth it!
@@asher6047I just did it. Hurts to know that she just wouldn’t ever be able to communicate in the open way I’d need her to, and I couldn’t see a long term future bc of that. I still love her with my whole heart, but I know I need things she can’t give. Sucks.
I 100% did the no contact thing, and she never reached out and found someone else very quickly. I wouldn't watch these videos and let them give you hope. If they don't want to be with you then believe them and move on. I'm sorry you're going through this. It will be tough, but you'll live.
Good advice clickbait and false hope more than useful and trustworthy info. Wish creators were more responsible.
But why you did no contact in the first place? I don’t agree with this no contest rule especially if my partner just ghost me without any warning. He knows exactly I’ll be hurt and in pain , he purposely put the dagger through my heart so why would I try to reach back when he doesn’t care and respect me by just ghosting instead of communicating and figuring things out together.
Exactly. No girl that ended it with me ever returned and this is especially true if she's young, attractive and has an abundance of options.
False hope is torture. You’re right.
Ill be kind. But this is idiotic. No contact is NOT to get them back. Its to give Yourself the space to reflect and grow. Not only that but they tell you u have to forget them. Move on. If you keep thinking about them, then thats the energy you put out. That u havnt moved on. When they did move on. You come before You first and foremost. The majority of the time they feel the energy shift and creep around. It does happen. But the point of no contact isnt to wait for that moment. Its to be better, to make a good decision if the situation arises. Otherwise move on. Ppl get wrapped up with the pseudoscience, that they miss the whole point.
I remember you posting about the woman who got her ex back and she did ALL the things that made him want her again. What's wrong with that is that he wasn't coming back because he actually wanted to be with her. He came back out of fear of losing her coming from a place of desperation, jealously and ego. That's a recipe for disaster...esp if he's unhealed.
Facts. But I have a genuine question... Where have you been all my life? Let's make a real success story 😊
@neilwattoo haha good morning 🌞
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life why hello there 🤗 Good morning to you! How ya doing today
This is bull. Avoidants reject you because things are getting too close for comfort. Once they are away from you that feeling disappears so they are free to miss you and want to get back with you. Wash, rinse, repeat. It's that simple,
agreed brother
That's pretty good!!
Avoidants move on to other relationships or distractions quickly. They only come back when the distraction doesn't work out.
@@charchar7897 I disagree. Why reinvent the wheel? They go back to what they know.
Flawlessly, brilliantly LOGICAL!
I’ve repeatedly kindly rejected him (the avoidant) because as a secure person I was not going to chase him and I’m not playing his games. He keeps coming back BUT nothing has changed so I keep asserting my boundaries. I pray for him and I do genuinely want what’s best for him. He needs to heal himself. I think that’s why he keeps coming back.
I hope so many people take your comment seriously. If more people were secure and didn’t entertain the behavior to begin with we wouldn’t have as many narcissistic people and the dismissive avoidants would have to get help and become secure.
This is where I am at the moment, my avoidant broke up with me for the second time and I put my foot down and said they would never be anything there more than friendship unless he sorted himself out. It has only been a week and he's already chasing but I will not do that again, I owe it to myself.
How can you know that they haven't changed?
How do you know your a secure person? You may of been incompatible but he has wounds and their triggered by you. He may just be simply emotionally immature and confused 😕
Putting up with any form of disrespect is garbage.
I truly don't want him back. I ve come to terms finally that this is not going to work
Me too. Took me over a year to get to this mind lol
They can’t come back when you block them. They can’t come back when you disappear. Don’t let them even try.
Humans miss people
They’re avoiding how the really feel
Actually the research shows homeostasis is thrown out when their attachment behavioural system engages - Their stomach roils, their heart rate increases, breathing is shallower, blood flow is redistributed away from the extremities…. They’re not fighting anything except to quite literally survive in those moments
If true, this would explain a whole lot about my ex’s behavior. She ended it abruptly six months ago and did so in a rather cold manner. She wanted no contact the entire time, but reached out 17 times for various reasons (e.g., the holidays, taking me to a medical appointment). Lots of push-pull and flirtatious behavior, followed immediately wanting no contact again. A week ago she told me that she wasn’t going to attend my baptism (we are both Christians and she is arguably even stronger than I am), but said she wouldn’t be there because “it is hard to see (me) in person.” When I look at her behavior at a higher level, it would seem to me that she indeed misses what we had, especially since she talked about how amazing of a man I was to her and how amazing our relationship was. She ended it due to some significant miscommunication issues on both of our ends, and she never felt special enough in our relationship. I’ve made significant changes in every aspect of my life over the past six months - physically, financially, spiritually, etc. I find myself thinking that the only reason she could find it hard to see me in person is because she knows that the messed up, she misses me, and she realizes that she’s not going to find what I offered her on online dating. The whole situation is just so sad. All she had to do was wait a few extra days where we could talk things through as partners, but she instead hit the nuke button and blew up 4 1/2 years.
this is one of your best videos, by far. I wholeheartedly agree with you and maybe a few months ago I wouldn't have. I have healed and going back is not an option.
Dude, this is the most real video I’ve ever seen on this getting the ex back. You are helping me recover from my fifth and final break up from my FA. And yes, isn’t it contradictory that here I am on this particular video. I’m not interested in her coming back. I’m really trying to process what’s happened so many times, why I keep letting her come back and hurting me and how I break that cycle.
You are chasing a fairytale that you created in your own mind or that they presented to you it was never real.
It's like a ghost and you have to realize that it was never real and it never will be real.
Some actors and actresses are very, very good. Stop watching movies a while. Or watch some but don't get sucked in. See them as the charade they are. This is helpful when actors and actresses waltz back into your view.
If you're rejected by a narcissist go dance in the streets and celebrate
🥳🎉💃🎉
Seriously don’t do that it will just reattract them to you. Instead let them know you’re working on yourself and that will scare them away.
So true, I shake my ass in the streets
@@DirkArnez 😂 you can do that too Dirk 😂
Definitely do. Many of them won't go the f*** away . Make sure to go no contact if they try to come back again.
I appreciate learning why an avoidant will repeatedly pull away when you want emotional closeness and deserve to be valued as a person who truly loved them. When you spend time together and it seems as if you're a couple, when you ask them for a real relationship/ commitment. Don't be surprised if they call you a "friend"...or keep breadcrumbing so you keep trying to win them over so you'll stay around and feed their ego. That's when I accepted I will never have value, or be appreciated. I finally broke it off and I'm hopeful to find peace and move forward and work on myself. This was a push/pull over a few years. Safe yourself, I know it's hard but you can admit you loved them but they are not capable of reciprocating! Heal your inner soul, you deserve better!
This has helped me enormously. Thank you and God bless you
If you're not satisfied with what you're doing, change it. Instead of trying to coach people to get back with ex's, how about coaching people to heal core wounds in themselves so they can have a better picker, love themselves, get boundaries and learn to enforce them, and not settle for people that have unhealthy behaviors and patterns. You attract what you are. Everyone deserves to be loved, seen and appreciated. Nobody deserves push/pull run/chase BS.
I totally agree nobody in the psychology field should ever be encouraging people to try to get back with an ex especially such an unhealthy person.
They should only be encouraging you to move on.
There's a special place in hell for people who would encourage people back into such horrible mental abuse.
This👌 what he is doing here is enabling Codependency.
This is exactly what he discuses at the end of the video.
I felt that people who want to heal their wounds won't look for RUclips videos to help them, they will just move on. But people who want to get back with their ex, will find anything that can bring them back together. It's probably for clickbait, but people should understand that after being explained by many videos, the answer will always be to work on yourself, and stop chasing the past.
Asking the wrong question…
Why do you want them back?
Are they worth getting back?
Love this.
You cannot control how other people think or feel. You can control what you do. Live your life knowing this. Stress goes to zero.
It doesn't matter if they come back to you because that means they also come back to everyone else they rejected
Omfgggggg
Maybe some, but they don't go back to all.
Makes a lot of sense
So true, exactly what I thought.
Yup again ..a narcissist
No contact is to keep from reaching out to your ex, not to draw them in. Lock that jerk outta your life!
The problem with getting an ex back is when you get them back rarely have they, the ex, done any work on themselves. So half of the problem that caused the break up still exists and will break the relationship again. Take it from me. Over 3 years of breakups and excruciating pain with the same broken woman. It is better to move on, if you can
THIS!!!
When she messaged me after a month of no contact I could tell instantly there would be no change. The message came across like “it’s been a month you still can’t be mad, let’s go for round 3”
No sorry, no talking about it, no changes, just sweep it away and pretend it never happened.
I’m good…
Never go back to the FIRE that burned you.
Barely learning about the avoidant behavior at 39 years of age. For some reason I attract them. Dated 4 avoidants since my mid 20s and currently started dating another one 😢…. Luckily I have learned from my previous experiences and will have to end this relationship also. Too many damaged people out there folks
Around the same age, and I’m just now learning about it, myself.
You’re probably kind and seem soft and safe, wolves love that
Same ,I'm in my mid 20s and dealt with avoidant ,also he was elder than me
You avoiding yourself thats why.
Watching this captivating video stirs up painful memories of the recent end of my 4 year relationship. My beloved partner chose to depart, leaving me with an unyielding ache. Despite my relentless efforts to reconcile, I find myself grappling with frustration and an inability to envision a future without him. Despite attempts to purge him from my mind, I remain haunted by his absence, feeling compelled to express my longing here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
❤ I feel you here, dear heart!! Got an eternal love in my heart of hearts too!! But he is also avoidant. 😢
Nah. If someone rejects me - i'm not taking them back. Sorry.
Nothing & nobody is ever worth my mental health, sanity & dignity.
Whatever their issues are , whatever labels they want to give it - idc. I'm not a rehab centre for crappy people.
good luck not finding a broken person in this world. relationships take work.
@@Countchoyeah but you can’t ever come back fully from a breakup. The dynamic is changed forever
This is the best video I have watched about getting ex back. Great job, this will help many people.
Very clear, direct, honest and logical
He says “not every person who rejects you comes back to you’” that means exactly what it says! There is no 100% guarantee!
The DA came back but now for the second time he decided to ghost me. I’m hurting right now - going through NC but it’s hard as just started. Don’t ever get back with them they haven’t changed despite then saying they’ve done the work and that they still love you. All lies.
They come back because of ego and leave when someone else they think is better than you comes along and monkey branches to that person.
Just don’t get back with them at all - it will just bring hurt and pain upon yourself
Currently trying to recover from this - it hurts so much that I need to undergo therapy.
Hello dear. How are you doin currently?. I know your better now. And can look back at this comment and not feel a thing. I remember posting a comment a few years ago thinking I was goin through hell. Now I laugh at how silly I was putting so much devotion to a human being who's breath stink in the morning just like mines 😅 🤷🏻♀️. How dare I put that fucker on a pedestal like he was some god or something. I won't let that happen ever.
Brilliant explanation👏 rejection/discard by avoidant creates love addiction. It takes long time to recover emotionally
I love the perspective and scientific way you go about this is super cool.
I really like the science behind your videos. I have been in no contact for 5 months after I broke it off. I have been using the time for getting myself better and do not have any belief that she will come back. LDR, she monkey branched into a rebound then to a relationship.
I was with a fearful avoidant. As a secure attachment I cant understand how they operate, so I no longer wanna be bothered with it.
The anxiety that comes with things going to well is just too much.
When someone shows you who they are and you refuse to believe them. You'll have no one to blame and deserve what you ask for but yourself, when wanting them back. When they show they don't value your love what more do they need to prove before you get it? They got all they needed from you now they're done. The most you should be hoping for is that they work on fixing themselves and the next person who enters their life won't experience what you had to from that person. When it doesn't work out the first time the universe is showing you they aren't your person so leave em where they are.
You are so right when you say it is an addiction. I’ve been dealing with this for years. get too close, pull back and run away, then try to get them back again when I start getting that craving and feeling. Then when we are back together a few weeks into the relationship, I start pulling away again. The high of getting back together is so amazing. I hate this cycle! All I want is a normal healthy relationship and to be healed from this crap!
Lol u ARE the problem dude, it’s not them
Marry that person, but goddamn u don’t deserve them.
@paf9191 PLEASE get yourself some therapy! Surely you don't want to continue to hurt others and yourself like this???
@@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 I have repented of it, and Jesus will help me to overcome. I am determined to not Continue this way.
@@Seraphina93isn't that what he said? He has identified that the problem is his and he wants to get healthy. Read his answer again
To go to your point towards the end, I recently saw a tarot reader. Don’t really know why. Never done it before. I researched it a bit and basically told her I just wanted her to read the cards without answering many questions. I didn’t want to lead her. Well-blah, blah-she read me like a book. Unbelievable how she did it? I dunno. She immediately picked up on everything and without knowing what two questions I was wanting answers for, gave me answers and even went as far as giving the initials to the third party influence. Anywho, towards the end, she stopped and looked at me and asked me: “is this even something you want? Is this a battle you are experiencing?” Do I? If she says the right things and her actions back up her words. Do I think she is capable? I don’t think so. This dating world isn’t a lot of fun. It should be fun but as we age, the more baggage some carry around. Read a great quote the other day: “If you never heal from what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you”.
"how she did it" is a demonic spirit that she's channeling. get away from that stuff before it gets worse, turn to God
It’s real. We can all tap in but it takes practice and some are more intuitive than others
This was refreshingly honest. I've been on this anxious/avoidant cycle for three years, and we have broken up and reunited about five times. I am supposed to meet up with her tonight. My intention is to go and end the cycle with her, and that I would be open to discussing it again in the future. However, in the meantime I need some time for myself. We've both been doing work around our own attachment styles (I'm anxious, she's avoidant), but she doesn't seem to be making any profound progress, and I can't handle the emotional yo-yo effect.
Just reading your words gave me anxiety. You have a problem yourself, yet you see that she's not making progress? Does she think that you're making progress? I'm curious.
@@alouise3557stop being a such a da please😂
When given the chance, your ex failed to value you then it means they're not worth your time.
Your video came at the perfect time. I had an ex who I was basically like you say, I was addicted to them. I broke up with him even though I still wanted him. He was an assss either way. After thinking I had healed, two years later we spoke and the freaking feelings came right back and I was like wtf. One conversation and legit they came back. Stopped talking again for months because he didn’t respond after I called him out on being unhealed and that he needs to work on that. 😂 me too though. Anywho for a while I couldn’t stop thinking about the damn guy and then it started fading a couple months ago, and now I’m starting to feel like I’m almost there. During the time we’ve been apart I noticed what I did wrong in the relationship and saw so much of myself in him, so I’m compassionate towards him. So it’s been healing because I’ve opened my eyes. Now I know I wouldn’t be able to open up to this again. Simply because I know I deserve better 😊
Anxious ex here broke up with dismissive avoidant. Its crazy to break up with someone your crazy about.
But clarity brings everything into a clear perspective. Stay healthy Mentally 😊
Ur on the more secure side. The avoidant just made u anxious. Been there for the first time in my life. Let her go. Hurt to the core but i love myself more. I will continue to grow she will continue to devalue, her loss not mines. I actually dodged a bullet. But at some point id love to help her by making her aware and keeping a Friendship
I am so happy I found this. I was in a scary car accident and my thoughts are clearer now. Rejection wounds hit deep for a while. I am at peace and focused on me.
This video is the best bait and switch I’ve ever experienced on RUclips. The final question is important.
Then get out of the reunion game and focus on how to move on from a relationship into a better one. You have so much to offer, put that effort where it's best placed, be true, detach from likes and sleep better. The best relationship advice is how to get into and maintain a healthy, reciprocal relationship. Go well 😊
Im a secure attached and my ex left on monday. I am not needy I watch actions, she left on her own accord, I wished her luck and moved on. If she comes back she has extreme hurdles to cross but I have plenty of options. In sad but I moved on and so can you
This film needs editing but the conclusion is the straight truth. Why do you want them back? Is it an addiction on your part too? Get them off the pedestal to be able to see them without the fog of love/addiction. This is likely to be surprising. If you have to dramatically change yourself to keep them it isn’t you they want, it is what you make them “feel” that they want. You deserve to find someone that wants you. Not as a source of a feeling but you. You deserve more than to be their drug (feeling) dealer of choice. At the end of the day if you have to change yourself that much you can’t sustain that anyway. I hope all that views this clip finds their heart’s desire. Blessings
This is one of those rare good comments on RUclips. Well said, ty for sharing!
💜
damn right dude. love that. your content is actually pretty wholesome, feels a lot more real than the typical relationship coach. usually I avoid channels focusing on coaching (as a grad student in psychology) bc I can tell their “advice” is based on stereotypes that make the average person feel better. however, I like your focus on research and your interviews with clinicians - definitely adds credibility to your advice.
Love your honesty. I watched this video to get insights into my behaviour as an anxious person. Been dwelling on this for a while & I know that the reason I cling is because of my own fears of rejection, not being good enough etc so I invite someone to prove me right on my unworthiness. Essentially I've abandoned myself for avoidents, Paradoxically while I think I'm chasing & trying to get what I want, what I'm really doing is activating those famiiar rejection wounds which feel safe and what I really want is to run away from myself so I don't need to look deep within,I turn to another who I know can't meet those needs so I can repeat a familiar story to myself... Ie I'm unworthy of love.
Everyone is worthy of love, but not everyone feels it or is even capable of giving it. Meeting these people has you doubting yourself
Your videos offer really fresh perspective on the avoidant vs anxious relationships. Keep up the good work
I feel you taking a new direction and I'm here for it ❤️
Your videos keep me alive. Thank you ❤️
Wow, such an eye opening video. Never would've thought about things this way!! Crazy how this even got recommended to me to see it in the first place...
If it makes you feel any better in relation to not enjoying helping people get their exs back, I’ve actually been watching your content in search of some sort of understanding that allows me to put my ex behind me in peace without allowing myself to get pulled back in once I feel semi-stable again.
Yup, I can agree to this. Just being able to understand what has happened and why it has happened has done me a world of good. Initially I wanted to see about getting my ex back but just watching these videos, I have already asked myself why I would want them back. And I don't have a good answer. These videos are helping me see reality.
The best part of your video is when the guest doctor said 'theraphy is an emotionally healing situation '. Its so true i developed a friendship with mu therapist and there was a sequence of events later that broke me because she made fun of my issues infront of her family, undermining my trust and feelings. I haven't talked to her in about 2 months since.
This came up at a good time. I’m two weeks in and already struggling not to reach out. I know it’s not for sure she’ll come back, but giving her space is my only chance.
Which one of you broke it off?
@@alouise3557 she ghosted me out of nowhere. I really thought it was going good
@@alouise3557sorry I just saw this. She got cold out of nowhere when everything was perfect and disappeared
No contact is not to get an ex back but is for the sake of a victim who was targeted by a severe narcissist or a psychopath,it is a boundary put in place to stop any further abuse.
Ok, this is what you do... It worked for me... After 4 years of being frustrated with my Avoidant partner, I finally had enough.... I'm going to lose her anyway, so I took my chances... I told her all the things that she had frustrated me, I don't hold back, I told her straight that she's an Avoidant and I list down what it means... I told her anything she says from now on will not matter to me, I'm not going to be angry anymore, hit me with anything you got, I'm not going to be bothered... The trick to telling them this is, to change subjects after every few conversations, don't let her start thinking and start reacting... Tell yourself, that whatever she says will not matter to you... Take charge of the situation, do not let anything she do gets to you... Keep on loving her, there will be moments that she's going to try to mess with your brain, just ignore it and just tell yourself it will not affect you... Soon enough she will stop playing these mind games because she sees that it's not affecting you anymore... It worked for me... Remember, during those feelings conversations, just completely change to a different subject and then go back to it again, don't let her react and don't let anything affect you, just ignore her nonsense and focus on the happy stuff, she will appreciate what you are doing and both of you will be much more happier
she returned to me, 3 weeks later only to message me that she didnt want to rekindle the relationship and she never wants to see me again. she asked for the small amount of money i owed her then we left it at that. i really have no faith now. ive been working on myself and it was a perfectly good relationship. shes just a fearful avoidant lol
I went through 70 of such breakup cycles.
Maybe you make everything about yourself and she was sick and tired
@@HgchkgdrfProjection much?
People are cruel
@@Hgchkgdrfmaybe YOU should jenna
Almost everyone said females that rejected you don't comeback, Be happy if avoidant ex doesn't come back ..
If someone can break up with you one time and deny all of the pain he or she gave to you, they don't deserve anything.
Coach the person, not the problem. Once they’re in a better place mentally and emotionally then they are able to make decisions with clarity if they want to get back with a ex or not. I find that most people decide to move on because they’ve done the work to improve and have literally passed their ex in their personal development only to realize that going back to their ex is literally going backwards.
This is the best video you’ve put out. Kudos to you.
more often than not, reason to want the ex back, is because I am so disconnected from well being, that confuse my bad habits and the drug of anxiety with happiness. So, then the problem is not on the ex's side....
You so honest, can’t stop listening to your video ! Wish more coaches would be like you
What we want so greatly differs from what we actually need. Seems my wants have served only to send me in the wrong direction. The redirecting process is not easy. But it's so worth it. It's a narrow path.
I've watched 30 of these types of videos the past few days and this one was refreshing. Excellent stuff.
Mine has returned several times in the span of 2 yrs but he always leaves again. It's exhausting!
you deserve better for yourself - why do you subscribe to being a doormat - start asking yourself these questions
My experience is usually avoidants force you to do the breaking up. They don’t have the balls to do it and deep down don’t want you to leave.
its been 65 days of no communication. i dont think he’s coming back. he’s gone for good.
I like your content because you have always been honest, not just trying to make a buck off of others' heartbreak! Integrity is undervalued. Thank you:)
Love your integrity and honesty
14:42 I want justice for myself & for him to experience the same pain he inflicted on me. I was super secure & never cared about relationships in the beginning.
I don't easily open up & trust people with my feelings. once I started to feel safe with him, he discarded me. Now trusting people with my feelings are impossible altogether. I will not allow him to think he can just get away with that.
that's why I need to learn what makes him tick, so I can use it against him. after that is done, my healing will complete
Omg this video was great. Its exactly what I needed to watch. Super informative, real, honest truth. Very refreshing to watch. I am now a huge fan of your content. Thank you!
I just found your videos, but i love the honestly you displayed near the end talking about your conflicted feelings about clients' relationships.
We've known this is the issue for a long time because the dopamine and serotonin levels of being in love are very high and when you get broken up with that source is like being on withdrawal
This video hit me really hard, wow. Thank you Chris.
Yeah, he weakly tried and I didn’t fall for it at all. I know its a trauma bond trap.
👏 👏
Good video, and enlightening. When you said it doesn't bring joy to your heart bringing people back together that struck me as profound... I just found you and I'm wondering if you've done videos on helping out the avoidant...I will look. I think that's something that's really needed because they can change but they have to understand themselves and many, if not all, do not self-reflect. We can do everything in the world but if they don't realize they have an issue and face it, things will never work out.
I loved this video. Such great feedback and advice. Thank you.
I appreciate your honesty, i dint think ive come across anyone throwing out their own statistics and saying their fail rate and that they don't like the ex get back situation. Wow.
Hi Chris, thank you for this video! I'm just wondering - what about secure attachers that get broken up with by an avoidant? It's mostly about anxious attachers. Keep up the great content.
I just watched a bunch of your videos and the best thing you’ve said so far is that you hate trying to help people get their ex’s back. I’m only watching to understand him to the point that I can keep him out of my life. I want to understand his patterns. His underlying motives. I don’t want him back. I want him to get out of my life forever. He’s chased me relentlessly for 3 years. I’ve gone no contact for 6 months. He just knows my weaknesses and exploits them. He makes me weaker in the end. I want him permanently gone. As in out of my life and leaving me the f alone. He’s an abusive loser and while I’ve already spent considerable time understanding his emotions (almost exclusively as I’m not allowed to have an emotion) it is not in my best interest to remain with him. It never has been.
Chris, what you talked about the latter part in the video is extremely, extremely important, i.e to question why we want an ex back and whether it's worth having them back.
It's not worth it, trust me.
I would NEVER EVER EVER take them back! I value myself too much and God removes these energy draining people…FOR A REASON!
I respect you so much!!! For saying you’re prolonging someone’s suffering. You have a great conscious
I love the conclusion, thank you for the insight. Very educational.
I think, instead of Fear of rejection or breaking up, to instead Honor The Moment. Reconciliation is an Opportunity to complete the story, to...finish the meal if you will, to finish what you started with this person! When you are still drawn towards someone even after significant heartache, there are still lessons to learn and sometimes, you can only learn those lessons with said person. If you are not meant to have everlasting love with this person, that does not invalidate the opportunity that this exchange provided for you. An opportunity to grow in ways you may not have before. It also helps bring you true Closure, and if you're lucky, the next time you break up, everyone is able to walk away barely scathed.
Eventually, you want to have a strong self-concept that will never attract a dissatisfactory Love relationship.
There is such a thing as harmonious uncoupling. I think, That should be the goal, not learning how to not get dumped and protecting the ego from rejection.
Really great video and has helped me process my own flaws. Recently had tough break up and it all seems more clear now in my mind
I love your honesty, data, and insights.
I would also add that we also need to realize our own role in what led to the breakup. The mistakes we made. The things we would do differently, i.e. now that we know better, would/could we do better?
For me, that's the hitter-on-the-spotter. The reason I might be open to another chance with my ex. If I am different then the relationship might be different. Maybe not, but until I learn what I need to learn, I have a difficult time letting go.
Is it just me?
Why would anyone ever go back to an ex I will never understand. I go no contact not to make them desire me more but to keep them from being able to contact me while I heal and get over the break up.
What is the point of putting a “No Contact” period (21-45 days) if the whole point of it is to heal from the break up and come from a place of not caring if you want you ex back again?
Exactly. You escape them…you don’t want them back.
But why put a time frame?
It's never as simple as that. Most people want their ex back and are ultra eager to get them back. Getting them to put the breaks on for the reasons Chris described can take a lot of heavy lifting. So defining a No Contact Period is sticking with it is often a very pragmatic choice. Also, healing comes in different ways at different periods of time. Some breakups are temporary....a rush to judgement, hence the healing period may be shorter. Some relationships breakups may require a much longer no contact period (i.e. 60 days). There are so many possibilities and flavors depending on each individual situation.
@@ElloMawbso u don’t go insane
This is such an important video… thank you so much!
Exzellent!
I'm happy to have found your channel.
Especially your honesty about getting them back is so spot-on.
1. WHY would I want it?
2. Are they WORTH of it?
A 3. would be:
Where it have a future together I WANT?
I love your content. It is helping me so much with my complicated divorce
Thanks for being so real.
I really like how you ended this. Thank you for being honest and ethical ❤
Honestly this is your best video
At the 8:29 mark: I tried therapy 3x. First time all I got was "well what do you think?" "what do you want to do" "tell me how you would go about it" and no matter how many times I asked him I wanted to know what he thought because I had absolutely no idea, he wouldn't reply, would just repeat "what do you think" frustrating! Years later I tired again with a female therapist and no matter what I told her I was told how "wonderful I was, nothing I did was my fault, poor you for having to deal with this or that." I left that therapist also. Years later I tired again, another female and got that same thing again..."nothing was my fault, everything was done to me I am the victim" no matter what I said I did or didn't do. I just don't think that is how therapy should be.
Inside ourselves, we know our value
We know what we should do and sit with our pain until we get up on our feet again
Back is not forward