I had to take a step back from watching videos about avoidant personalities because I realize that I was putting too much mental effort into someone who is what they are regardless of how much effort I put into it. As somebody who has ran down these rabbit holes many many times trying to figure out what I can do to change or make that other person feel comfortable I suggest leaving the situation alone entirely if you possibly can.never chase avoidant people. That’s why this guy has made this video about 5000 times. It is marketable to chase after an avoidant person. Someone will make money off of your heartache. And you’re not going to get anything out of the deal. You’re just going to know that this person is who they are. Just accept it and move on
So sad I was doing that last 2 weeks and literally feeling I’m getting insane… it’s just the pain having big chunks of your life disappear in thin air is so enormous, I really don’t know what to do with it 😢
Can be helpful with understanding people in general. (Friends and family and building off past relationships). It's better to be educated. But then again I wonder if it anxious behavior if too much time is spent rumanating on the topic.
that’s them deactivating. it’s not you it’s the feeling they get when a healthy love feels unhealthy & they think deactivating is loving. they just need to do very difficult work to get to the spectrum of secure. if you live in the united states this is very difficult where 98% of the people are in time poverty, overstimulated by their environment & how people react to this is giving into unhealthy coping mechanisms which creates more time impoverishment. we should give avoidants a lil more grace. if this is something you know you can’t handle its time to cut them loose. there are exceptions to this ofc. abuse, emotional neglect, not trying to meet your needs. i know this is nuance but it’s something to think about 💜🥹
It’s been 3 years and it’s not worth it. Just let go. Imagine having a relationship where it’s constantly on their terms so that you don’t trigger their fear.
Man it's been years and I wonder if it's the idea I built up in my head of this person, or is it true. I have never gotten over her, and it wasn't even a serious relationship.
Couldn't agree more with the other comments. Why bother trying to be with someone where you have to completely move on in order to get them to want to be with you. No one deserves to put up with that for 2, 3, heck 6+ months! That is just poison. Thanks, Chris, you finally convinced me to stop wasting my time on my ex. It's only been 3 weeks of the "don't contact me" game, but that is long enough. I know she secretly has feelings for me that she is actively supressing, but i shouldn't have to wait for her to finally come around. It's simple: do you want to be with me or not? If you can't answer in the affirmative immediately then the only answer is goodbye. My time and heart are more valuable than that. It's time for me to step away from that poison.
I was with mine for a little over 6 months and oh boy “what a ride”? He was my first DA and my on and offs with him has taught me a lot about my self and how I ought to treat another human being. It’s exactly a month of no contact and I don’t regret it and told him never to reach out again. My mental health is my priority 🎉
Do this at your own risk. Don’t think you can lower your standards and not have boundaries thinking an Avoidant will change. You are just allowing him/her to come and go as they please. That’s a pretty sad life to live.
Agreed just let them go for all this so not worth it. This is just someone who wants to be able to come and go with no commitment. Just so not interested! Codependency is a hell of a drug smh!
@@ci6516 uhm *avoidant* does *not* equal commitment. An *_avoidant_* has issues within themselves. Therefore the only way they can really be in a relationship is if they are selfish, thus not being in a “real relationship”. They can’t even _be in a relationship_ if they can’t even *_relate to_* themselves.
You need to ask yourself why is this person so important to you that you’re willing to lose yourself and sacrifice everything to make them feel comfortable for a short time… and trust me it’s always a short time… don’t lose yourself you deserve the love you crave.
Absolutely true... After a short period you will realize everything and will have better picture that you were simply wasting your time that's it... 😢💔
Because it is actually possible for a DA to change. They are emotionally damaged but they also knows it deep inside but have learned to put a lid on it. So they have to understand that by being like this, they will end up bitter and alone. Before they understand how much negative affect they have on their loved ones, they will never change. So if you truly love a person w DA you stick it out. But if it doesn't get better after therapy for a year or two, they are borderlines and beyond rescue.
My avoidant and i reached a crux...I know he loved me, wanted me, adored me amidst the cycles of idealization and deactivating ...but would not marry me. I left him. Because marriage is a non-negotiable for me. My heart was broken, but the pain of leaving was softer then the pain of his intermitant rejection.
They are psychic I swear, my avoidants always came back the minute I let go in my mind, and they didn’t follow me on social media. It’s a toxic cycle if the avoidant doesn’t choose to change as well. My avoidant from years and years ago is still the same.
These kind of videos were the worst poison for my life. I've got almost deattached from avoidant ex and then I found this videos and built my hope again which turned out to be complete disaster. Just don't watch this s#&t and save yourself from further suffering. Avoidant will not come back. Embrace it and rediscover your seflworth and move on asap.
My Avoidant DID come back on his own after 6 months. He professed his love, said everything was his fault, saw things from MY perspective! I thought he had an epiphany or a brick hit his head! What I failed to do at this point was to point him and us towards therapy and self-awareness. He lovebombed me the second time and I was on high alert but eventually he won me over AGAIN! Let me say it took 2 months for him to go back to his push & pull ways..our relationship was the same. This time, I had a lower tolerance for his antics and in the 4th month, I calmly explained to him WHY I was leaving him, why therapy was necessary and that HE was the emotionally immature man and the problem. This was hard to do and I still miss him. He refused to look at himself, to look inward. So I removed myself and let him go.
It absolutely is drugs I decided enough was enough after 15 months of it and cut him off I’ve cried every single day for over 3 months since ending it, but still know that at least there will be light at the end of the tunnel and freedom. It really is like going cold turkey and drug detox to getting sober.
Let them back, they will do it again. There isn’t hope for these people. Avoid avoidants. No one deserves to drag someone who is overly emotional through life. Find someone who is secure. Stop wasting your life.
What I have learned from my DA is that he did not like when I called him out on his BS. At first I thought he was spoiled but then I realized he was actually showing me who he was. I’m secure and was straight up honest with him from day one and told him I prefer he does the same. He said he wants the same but then did the complete opposite. The love was there between us as he had admitted it but I couldn’t put up with the inconsistency and mind games. Thus, couldn’t trust him.
YES!!! That right there. Thank you for posting. The small lies, saying you are coming home and later in the conversation they are headed to their old apt, hiding communication with other people, deleting texts, etc. and when you confront them they shut down or explode in anger. The rollercoaster of emotion gets old. How he finally ended it? With an explosive over the top reaction. He actually told me he embellished it on purpose. (I was dumbfounded) He was actually smiling when he was recounting that evening’s events during our discussion A few days later. As we were exchanging belongings, I asked why he went that extreme with yelling, throwing my clothes outside,etc. He said that’s how his parents know he’s done with people. It’s not the first time he’s done this. What a joke! He’s 38 years old.😂 we were only there for the weekend due to his class reunion. And he was putting on a show.. OMG, this makes me laugh so hard now. How immature and selfish. I am so thankful to be able to finally look at him and the situation for what it truly was. Fast forward to the present: it was brought to my attention he has lived off and on with one particular man roughly 15 years. They are “friends” and if I were to sit back and really think about the arrangements he made for his life prior to meeting me and in that I would find my answer. SURE ENOUGH. I did. I am free from all the overthinking, anxiety, etc.
I'm in the same boat. I knew he lied to me about something so simple and I held on to it. Subtly brought it up in a gentle way without diving in and he flipped it and became the victim. He was already pulling away, and this forced it into overdrive. Now I feel like he's punishing me...will watch my stories, like my posts, won't text back like he used to.
@@Kit-kk9cbagree with you I think people are conflating a whole lot of things, incl NPD, relationship/commitment phobias etc and calling it avoidant, although avoidant attachment does exist
@ That’s a different problem. That’s not a relationship. If you have no give and take at all, remove yourself - ignore them and if they don’t react, move on.
True. 10 years after it feels like everyone else is in relationship but you. You give peace and pleasure but you receive nothing instead. You have to be completely self reliant. It’s like being single but giving to someone. It’s toxic in the long run. It’s exhausting. And very very lonely. Time passes you’re no longer young and harder to look for partnership.
I gave up on my avoidant partner after putting in a lot of effort to cope with it. He is distant, cold, ungrateful, and especially selfish. Unfortunately, he is not honest, even though I feel secure. I just couldn't live in toxicity for the rest of my life.
The dishonest part is interesting. I have been w a DA for 15 years now and she has been lying to me all the time. I have had to learn how to catch her lying by asking her the same questions with a week or two apart so she forgets what she said the first time. By doing that I have caught her cheating and lying about a lot of stuff. She is now in therapy and I will wait for her to get better. Love is love you know. I won't ever settle for second best.
Sad but true. The limbo is what makes people in relationships with DAs. I know. I have been there for a decade. I'm going to ask here straight up tomorrow if she wants to be with me or not. And I will only take a simple YES or NO as an answer. If she can't do that, I'm out.
If I start seeing someone, the moment they display avoidant behavior, the very hint of flakiness, I'm gone. There will be no negotiating. I had to learn the hard way that it's not my job to fix them and they will bring nothing but an emotional roller coaster, grief and time wasted. You deserve better, people, but you have to KNOW that.
I prefer to set a boundary first and let them know I won't tolerate their flakiness. Then they'll have a chance to either stop doing it or come to some sort of compromise that we're both happy with.
@@NomadicMagick That is fair. I suppose it depends on the infraction. Eight weeks of ghosting, as in the case of one of the subjects of the video, would be automatic disqualification on my end.. bc I would likely never be able to feel safe in the relationship again.
@@NomadicMagick Just anecdotally, I tried to ask for compromise and he replied that he wouldn't because I would want access to him 24/7. I admit that I did not respond well.
Either way, it's toxic. We shouldn't have to play games to have someone admit their genuine feelings. At the end of the day, if you don't have any self awareness the feelings aren't sincere. That means they don't value you in a relationship but when you're gone they want you back. It's not a healthy way to train the brain to say this is a normal relationship. I don't want people coming back. People need to just do the work
Yep after they seemed to want to get back with me I made it clear I wouldnt be waiting after months of just very inconsistent contact. Boundaries are something I learned arent used to manipulate people but to protect yourself which is why I was hesitant to even say anything despite like near no contact until they finally decided to come back. It put an example but once I saw they understood I wont just be okay with everything its really made em show up for the last 2 years, to my surprise they really are considerate when they do truly love you and you make it clear you dont want to hurt them but wont tolerate all behaviors either. Personal growth really is the key to being happy.
The only reason an “avoidant” person doesn’t just break up with the person that they’re avoiding is because they have a chance to get sex out of that person, because they know they are loved by them. Therefore, they are manipulative USERS plain and simple..
Is it any worse than. Long story short: anxious preoccupied are spoilt little children who will throw a tantrum kick and scream if other kids won’t play their game or with them!
@@remyd1984 Good point, Remy. The difference is, an anxious person is engaged and as such, you can work with him/her. Dealing with an avoidant is a tiresome game of cat and mouse in which the avoidanttis not truly there, not truly engaged and offers very, very little. If I had to choose anxious or avoidant, I'd take an anxious any day of the week and twice on Sundays.
@@remyd1984 the point is this videos are labbeling multiple thing in one. I can tell you avoidants can be truely anxius on demanding. What you cannot pretend is have sex with someone and tell that person, ok you dont matter a shir cause sex is only sex so whatever need you have means nothing to me. That is unrepectfull, the quid is an avoidant just dont give a fuck about it .. So deal with it, cause im not an anxius" one and see these people acting like they care and being not able to connect , please, when you feel,give it its worth, recognise it and show it,,, or do whatever if you are not able to feel love or want to give it, just accept it and look for a partner like you, if that what you f want (edit: corrected mistaken spelling)
As an avoidant leaning secure, number 5 rings very true. I did that with all of my exes and in many cases my critic got me to leave them. Honestly for the right reasons though not the surface level ones. We have grueling inner critics. Sometimes they're helpful because they are protecting us from someone who actually isn't a good fit for us, but it's hard to see that from the fear talking. They definitely won't keep tabs or have the struggle if they don't care. That's true af. I still fall into that pattern if things take too long to develop. Knocks me right out of my secure headspace into my old avoidant thought patterns and I have to process my way through it. I sit and observe myself until I calm down. No running just a slight pulling back of effort and then a refocus on self. I'm pretty sure my avoidant crush is doing the same thing. the second things start moving one of us pulls back and the other does the same in response. Literally drives me nuts. Thing is, it's not personal at all. Usually we are just untangling our own fears and trying not to mess up or cause unnecessary hurt for ourselves or others. I know for myself if I'm not 100% sure about someone I'll pull back for that reason as to hopefully not allow them to over invest in me. Obviously there are honest talks too but those are hard for some avoidants and they just completely fall off. I feel for those pursuing a fellow avoidant, we are so confusing and it's honestly so exhausting. I don't blame others for giving up on us or moving on. Always do what's best for you in any situation tbh. Best of luck.
@@unanimation best of luck. That's such a difficult situation, the limbo. The uncertainty is gut wrenching. I hope it works out or at the least you get clarity.
@@retrovintagedreams thanks. yeah, it's very fucking weird and just leaves me feeling nauseated even tho we're both still responsive but leaving a lot of space between.
@@retrovintagedreams i think it is so brave what you are going through... i would tell you, to trust more your feelling and don't be afraid to expose yourself to rejection or the other to invest in you... The point is, right not make someone lose his time on you and be claer and respectfull (it includes sincerity with yourself about your feellings) in the way you communicate this kind of things. That all. I've never had these avoudant or anxius behavieurs except with one ex, and it was horrible... anyway, as a protection maybe it works, as I took risks i shouldn't , but we are never free of that, have an avoidant friend and she also met some unkniwn people you know what i mean? so, take it easy, and lets be true to our own feellings,, say things imporant for you (bounds) with caring (sometimes the other wont listen or care, but you need to do it ..). And thats all we can f do !! then accept what it is the other person and realize our own needs. Cheers ❤
I let my DA go (officially dumped over the phone and then ghosted) after 10 months of "dating" (being marginalized and likely cheated on), and my ex came back in the textbook 4 months later. Why I'm happy, sane, and in a great relationship now - I never let the DA back into my life. She can take all her problems elsewhere. No thanks. Life's good now. Go forth and do likewise.
People watched this video, and somewhere halfway through they had the gut-wrenching thought, “this is too hard.” It was a visceral physical aversion to doing what seemed like a fool’s errand. That exact feeling, that thing in your gut saying this is too hard - that’s how DAs feel about everything. All of are avoidant to some degree. DAs just happen to be more avoidant.
@WrittenMysteries-ne7px thank you very much for this insight. I find it really valuable. I DID feel half way through, that it is just an impossible situation. You are correct, and it's given me real food for thought, what you have said
@@whiggygirlthe DA style has two types. FA with a callous can behave like DA but it still comes from a place of fear. Most content on DAs is about them. Classic DAs are dismissive in the true sense of the word. We are not afraid other people won’t like us. We tend to assume other people are unreliable, so we learn to meet our own needs. Thus we are dismissive of help from others. That’s how the style got its name. As I said fear-driven people can go numb to the point that they seem calloused, which mimics DA, but is rooted in a different ontology,
Sometimes the perfect person has flaws of their own. If love can be turned off by a switch, then it was never that strong to begin with anyways. Sometimes the most beautiful souls are the ones that want to hide the most.
@@cspace1234nz ...Does it matter who I am? You're awfully quick to point fingers, name, and judge. If I am avoidant as you say, how do you know I've not addressed these problems already? I've taken the burden of letting my thoughts flow over myself. You merely claim them as your own.
Wonderful video My partnership of five years ended a month ago. When my true love decided to part ways with me, it truly is the only thing on my mind. I can't fathom my life with anyone else, and even though I've tried everything to get him back, it's all in vain. Despite my best efforts to put him out of my thoughts, I can't help but miss him and think about him all the time. I could not really tell you why I am saying this.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
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Yeah. I'm male anxious with a female avoidant. While the general principle of let go is good for the anxious, I'd really love to know what goes on in the female avoidant's mind.e
@@stevenmorris5562 yeah that’s what I was getting at. I’m a male FA (unfortunately but working on it) and in the video this is all true and exactly how I would respond, but I wonder if for a woman avoidant do they respond the same way. I wonder if the fear of rejection is different since men tend to initiate more and are more accustomed to rejection, and perhaps willing to shoot that shot and send that horribly embarrassing “I’m sorry I made a mistake” text.
@stevenmorris5562 I'm female FA and my ex is anxious. He would shower me with love then complain I didn't shower him with love the exact way but it's really not my nature. I expressed love in my own way but he would call me a cold, unfeeling person. I watch a lot of videos and read a lot of books and I like to think now I'm more capable of expressing myself rather than shutting down. But I still can't reach out to him. I think the biggest reason is I don't think he has taken accountability or changed/grown. Obviously, the relationship wasn't working. So both people need to take accountability and be willing to change and build new patterns. I would love it if my ex reached out to signal this step. I think you should reach out to your ex but really know yourself and what you're capable of and what you need from a partner. Anxious-avoidant relationships have the potential for enormous growth but also toxicity. Strong boundaries and respectful communication are a must.
Why do avoidance seem kind of like narcissist? Narcissist react the same way when you give them no contact. Once they sense that you finally are doing better without them they come running back and start love bombing you.
@@JediMindtrick91 I thought about it this way, the other day. (I'm trying so hard to do the deep work/healing to fix myself, I'm in a very codependent relationship and life, deep in pain when I'm not single but still deeply coping even when single via overworking, over-giving, not knowing how to slow down or say no yet - because it comes from a poor sense of self-worth and self-love so you feel the need to PROVE you're lovable by being in service/controlling everything around you so people like you/you don't feel so empty and unloved.) Narcissism is loving and caring for yourself at the expense of others. Codependency is loving and caring for others at the expense of yourself. No wonder we find ourselves so deeply enmeshed with each other. I think people truly can heal if they have the drive to, the awareness of the problem, and do the work, but.... I also think (maybe I'm biased).. that it's easier for someone who is already SO WILLING and so trained to look out for the desires and wants and needs of others in order to try and find love for themselves, to turn it inwards and learn to love/respect the self enough to become more secure... But if you look out for YOURSELF at the expense of others like avoidants/narcissists? How do you build love and self-respect and self-validation on that same broken core when your cope is to AVOID loving others? I think it must be harder for them... especially those that are so far into it. I'm VERY far into codependency and healing those wounds is a very painful road of self-discovery and active effort and setbacks. Going the 'avoidant/narcissist route to an extreme degree feels like you don't have true self-love or self-acceptance, same as the codependent, but you ALSO don't know how to show up in those ways for others, either, or even how to put other's needs above your own. Being a codependent/anxious, you try to show up for others to the detriment of yourself. The cure is to build up your self-worth and self-esteem, and learn how to stop trying to regulate your damaged self-worth by setting boundaries and respecting YOURSELF, so that you can also start showing up for others in ways that aren't problematic. I think it's easier to learn to respect yourself when you're already capable of respecting and truly loving others.. but I think it's a harder battle when your cope is to only care for yourself and avoid problems, but it comes from a place of lacking empathy for yourself AND others in the first place... If you chase problems to fix them to try and feel love/be closer to someone, you can learn to dial it back, but if you avoid problems to avoid being close to others.. can you just as easily learn to face them? I don't know. In my experience so far, it's been much easier for me (anxious/codependent) to learn and grow and become more and more secure because the solution is to be more comfortable with myself, alone, accepting myself and learning to show myself the love I already try to show others, but if your cope is the other direction to AVOID all those things, yea, it's probably possible if you're not so far gone - but your instinct ISNT to fix and move closer, it's to AVOID and move away... so... how does that even work? It must be terrifying, because you already think others can't love you or see you or get too close, and will hurt you deeply if they do. Opening your heart to be able to truly trust somebody else like that sounds much harder, to me, than taking the love and desire for closeness you ALREADY have and turning it inwards to learn to love yourself. How can you love yourself when your tendency is to avoid yourself? I don't know. Maybe it's all degrees of the same story, just different copes. Just a thought I had while working through this stuff over many months, deeply entangled in a 14-year toxic relationship between a codependent and a narcissist, or an 'anxious-leaning person' and an 'avoidant leaning person' (who I love so much, but have not left after being lied to, cheated on, discarded, many times.) I've let my boundaries be nonexistant at the expense of my values and beliefs and sense of self-worth, to try and receive love that I thought was real from someone unable to truly open up and give that love. Trying to build myself back up to the point I'm not feeling like a shattered shell, and learn how to not only recognize my own self-worth and inherent value, but advocate for my own proper treatment by having firm boundaries. It's not easy, but it's coming. It likely will never come with this person, but we're both slowly trying to heal adjacently because our lives are so entangled at this point and we've realized too late how awful we are for each other. But will he ever get better for his own sake? (Not for me, that's a fool's errand and exactly my problem I need to get away from). It's up to him, at this point; the whole point is that me 'trying to help fix it together' is what led both of us down this path this far. If 14 years of my absolute best can't fix it, I need to smarten up and realize I can only fix myself and if he wants to show up fully and completely by healing his own stuff, then we'll see it when it comes. But one can't keep lighting themselves on fire to warm someone else, that's the codependent's whole problem in the first place. Someone can either step up themselves and show up all on their own, or we can let them go. By trying to fix it, it's only falling deeper into the problem that the codependents have. You can only fix yourself and hope the right others will show up, and turn away the others who you realize will not show up, by having healthy boundaries, knowing your goals/values, and enforcing them. That's all we can do. Oops, I got wordy again. It's part of my problem I'm trying to fix -- reaching out to others to connect and share with, instead of being able to internally process and regulate on my own. Work in progress.
This is all very interesting, but being with an avoidant partner is not worth it. Ultimately, they cannot be trusted because they are so conflicted. Just move on and save yourself a lot of heartache.
@@loud7739Agreeing with and sympathizing with them is Pain and Depression😂 At best you could sympathize with one that is putting in the work to change.
Yes he came back and it's been very nice. In hindsight, I understand why he needed the break, and am grateful for it because it gave me time to grow, evolve, detach, ground myself. I hate to admit it, but *I* was not in a good emotional place so I was not respecting his boundaries. I like myself so much better now, and my own stability has created a safe space for him to let down his walls.
@@johneeseepps6814 Yes I would say he changed his behavior. I'm not chasing, so he's no running- he's able to come to me. I'm relaxed, so he's able to come off his mental "high alert". I'm giving him space (busy with my life) so he's at ease knowing he's not expected to fill any void in my life. I'm communicating better, he's expressing his deeper thoughts. Thank you for asking. 🙂
@@MIMIDSH it would be a good idea if you could talk to him now that he's behaving decently, in a very gentle way, without any pressure, to explain him about his avoidant attachment and seek therapy if he's willing to, if he is not, then move on, because he will get back to how he was, it's like a timimg bomb, when they come back, it's all great, love and happyness, once they get sophocated, or feel trapped, or overwhelmed by affection and love or if you mention commitment, or if the relationship is going well on the right path, they will purposely judge you and find every little flaw you may have as an excuse to run away, this is how intense their fear operates, then their fears will blind their logic, they will shut down, and will leave, they cant even control it, the intense love they feel for you is outweighted by their fears and traumas, it's an auto response they're not even aware of.
@@pdazajhon2160 yeah, we were together for 25 yrd, ha ve a 13 yr old... ghosted us both. O n10th day, I discovered that he filed for divorce and tried to manipulate our son into believing some crazy false narrative about me on the phone behind my back... From ghosting for 10 days to popping up and telling son he is losing his family and his father is taking him. Yeah, the 13 yr old freaked out and became afraid of him , feared he would never see his mother again. So, he completely "avoided" avoided his father and refuses to see or talk to him since Aug. What a horrible situation, I had no idea we were even unhappy with each other, I knew we were unhappy, in a world of extreme stress, death, finances, etc... Destroyed our family, traumatized our son, and no matter what he says to villainize me, the fact remains that when things got super extreme for us as a family, he abandoned his family when his family needed him the most. 25 years... that's a tough pill to swallow that someone can ghost you and leave you with nothing after all of those years. It has been gut-wrenching, but, we move on, rebuilding. All I wanted was to have him back. But, after going through the hard work, cleaning up the physical and emotional mess he left behind, and feelings of fear and anxiety "i cant do it without him/" kinda feels like wtf do I need him for anymore, we already got through the storm on our own. The best part for me is that Mama stood strong in the storm and kept her boy stable and strong and happy... Terrifying to think of him coming back and never being able to trust him again. I pray he gets help and realizes what he did and how it hurt and destroyed the 2 people who loved him the most, especially since he was always a good person and we will be connected by our son.
Avoidant men will always come back at a much higher clip than avoidant women. Hence why all 4 of your success case studies dealt with avoidant men. Would love to see you do a video one day with avoidant women coming back.
Avoidants are not worth, and do not deserve, a relationship. Just put them in your FWB category if you're physically attracted to the person and call it good. Detach all emotion. Just enjoy the good times when they come around. And be okay when they leave again.
Similar success story for me. Same common thread. They can be willing to grow if you are and kind of “lead the way” by becoming secure in attachment yourself
I let him go. He is nothing I want him to be. He could be so amazing, and he is, but the damage he has has destroyed The Most Amazing person that could have been. His parents 😢 did this to him. I truly love him:- everything he does. His movement, voice, sensitive soul. He knows he has issues. He knows. He thinks he is worth nothing and seeks out pain and suffering which matches his opinion of himself.
Eventually they will destroy you because they find no solution their problems to blame you. I tried and tried losing myself to please mine and he still walked away after so many years and two kids.❤️🩹
@@jackiel7726 same. 20 year marriage and two kids. Walked away like I never mattered. I tried so hard to fix her and lost myself in the process. After a 2 year divorce battle, I had to let go and move on. I’m now in a relationship with a secure woman. I didn’t know what I was missing.
I see all signs, he said im not ready for a serious thing after chasing me for a year.. He’s watching me on my socials but that’s BS i need real actions 😢 he knows if he comes back this time it’s for a serious commitment..i fell for him thinking he was secure because i never met an amazing man like him, still i walked away in peace ✌🏻
Best advice ever for avoidants - go figure it out; get into therapy and WORK to understand and get past what you're experiencing. You can succeed!! And it's worth it!! Best advice ever for those in contact with avoidants - do not get involved with one. Period. Full stop. It's not your job to either compensate for or fix another person. Are avoidants human beings with a need for attachment? Absolutely. Do they "deserve" love? Harder to answer. Taking a humanist perspective, sure, all of us deserve it. Taking an economic perspective, you get what you give; you get what you can offer and if you can't offer much, you don't "deserve" much.
1. Accepting vulnerability only in an indirect and unconventional way. 2. An emotional pull after personal growth. They'll admire you and would want to come back if they notice that you've changed. 3. Monitoring your social media activity. (Going through this right now. He'll watch me but won't reach out) 4. Engaging after you truly let go (basically proving their belief that they're unlovable and would be abandoned). 5. They are fighting their internal voice. They're basically calling out their own BS at this point. In short, don't trigger them by practically proving that you're not trying to take away their independence. It'll take time but they'll come around if they actually cared.
Deep feelings or not, being with an avoidant will drive you nuts, as time passes it starts breaking down your nervous system and that leads to chronic illnesses. The truth is that they can't love you like you should be loved. Being with someone only for the potential (that you've created in your head) Is self harm. They're not gonna change just because they "have potential".You need to learn to love yourself so you know to not put up with this bs and actually value yourself, your feelings etc. There are many fish in the sea but why harm or even break yourself for one, when you could make a different choice and choose a better fish that will make sure that no harm comes to you in anyway (yes I'm also talking about your feelings) because people who actually love you will make sure they don't hurt you in any way and if they do, they make sure the same mistake won't happen twice. They make sure that you know exactly how they feel about you, they take care of you and lift you up, they make your life easier not harder. . Well in short, stop being stupid and loving people who can't actually love you back and will not LOVE you back . Be single until you learn to love yourself so you can learn your value, your boundaries etc. Because if you don't love yourself, you're gonna let bs people to bs things to you. Choosing to be with someone like that is self harm. Your world doesn't revolve around another person and it never should. Be single. Learn to love yourself. Learn your boundaries. Learn your value/worth. Get to know your trauma so you don't make decisions based on that. (People who grow up around toxic people, choose toxic people as partners because it feels "familiar".) Learn to be uncomfortable because getting out of your familiar zone is uncomfortable. Heal. It's your life, your choices. Don't choose to harm yourself, Choose to love yourself.
Coming from an FA, healing to secure attachment in therapy, I don’t waste my time with DA that cannot see they need help and are not willing to work with a professional. And I advise everyone to do the same. As soon as I see dismissive traits I get triggered. I learned to assert myself in a healthy way, but with DA every time you express your needs they deactivate. It’s too much for whoever wants to live a peaceful life.
This particular video made everything come together for me in my head. I’ve been reading and watching a lot of videos trying to understand this but usually end up more confused afterwards rather then educated. Not so with this video. Outstanding work, thank you. ❤
Moved across the country 44yrs. ago for him but refused to become an "Option" ‼️ Decided to leave & after I was engaged came to my house the night B4 my wedding saying "I Thought we'd marry FIRST", then drove off! Both our spouses died & he found me once again, knocked on my door 🚪 & we've been inseparable 5yrs now 🎉❤🌹❤️🔥
Excellent video. (The "critcal" voice.) Wow. Past male had an alcoholic, critical father as a young child and he was taught by his mom & dad to "hide" his feelings and not be vulnerable, I found out just last year, 2 1/2 years after I broke up with him as he was "juggling" me even though he led me to believe we were "exclusive." My heart was shattered💔. Had never heard about an "Avoidant Attachment" until this year when I saw some videos about that style. Ty 🌹for this video. Gave me a huge amount of knowledge I needed to hear.
I believe in destiny, if the person and I are meant to be then, it will happen no matter how you are being avoided! Just keep going with our daily life and be happy!
I dated an avoidant briefly (for like 3 months) back in the spring/early summer of this year. We went to a concert together on a Friday in July, she spent the evening with me and then proceeded to spend the entire weekend, like 3 days total together nonstop. When she finally left my place at the end of the weekend, she gave me the biggest hug she had ever given me followed by several kisses and lamented about how she had never felt the feelings she felt with me, with anyone else in her 30+ years on this planet, that time melted when we were together, 3 days felt like 3 hours, etc. She left and even turned around and came back to tell me how much I meant to her, kissed me one last time and then finally went home, texted me for the next few hours about how she couldn’t want to see me again. The next day, she texts me in the morning a cute selfie and then tells me she needs to be off her phone a bit because she got a promotion at work and needed to dig in. The next day, 6am, she texts me “my heart is heavy and I need to end things between us. I’m too busy with work to entertain a relationship and I’m just not emotionally available right now.” She said she wanted to see me in person that evening, then the evening came, said she would prefer a call instead, but she never called and ended up ghosting/blocking me a few days later. I did hard NC for 3 months and one day, we crossed paths on a local running/bike path. I completely ignored her and she ends up texting me that she wants to catch up and basically that she was going out of town for a week, but wanted a FaceTime call when she was back. We FaceTime, she tells me how much she missed me, told me that it was obvious that I did tons of “shadow work” (which I had been going to therapy to help me find my secure attachment style again after becoming pretty anxious due to her EXTREMELY hot and cold FA attachment). She comes back, we start hanging regularly, talking daily, she starts saying all the same things again about how incredible of a person I am, that she’s truly never felt a connection like we have before with anyone, even starts telling me that she was having nightmares of seeing me with other women and that the thought of that made her sick to her stomach. Was inviting me to weddings, concerts, even work events. We did this for a month, she spent the night a few times and like clockwork, after one weekend where she once again spent the weekend with me, telling me how rare our connection is and that she can’t imagine herself falling asleep next to anyone else, she leaves, doesn’t talk to me at all the following day and then no joke, on her way to the airport for a work trip, I shot her a quick little “good luck this week!” Text (I could sense her pulling back and gave her space without her even asking) and she replies “we need to end this. I don’t see a long term relationship between us and I’m really just too busy with work to keep this going, plus I’m just not emotionally available at all right now.” She told me “let’s go for a walk and talk about everything when I’m back.” She didn’t talk to me at all for 5 days and the day she’s supposed to be coming back, I texted her just to see it she was alright since her last trip was kind of a disaster and she says “I’ll call you when I’m home. Thank you for the space.” I asked her if we could close things out in person since I could feel the discard again, I find her it would mean a lot to me since she was talking about leaving the state in the spring and it could very possibly be the last time we see each other. she literally laughed at me and says “nah, I’m good ✌️” and I just told her “I will sincerely pray for you that you can figure out whatever is burning inside you to keep causing this emotional roller coaster, but I cannot keep putting myself through this” and blocked her mid-reply. Do yourself a favor and just move on from these people. They might not be bad people, but they are severely damaged individuals and will continue to hurt you as long as you allow them back into your life. There is no human being on this planet that’s worth subjecting yourself to that kind of pain and constant push-pull dynamic. Find someone who actually wants to communicate with you and not play games or turn every single conversation into an emotional minefield
Your story sounds closely similar to something I went through with a fearful avoidant. I've known many in my life. I can say they are heartless and soulless horrible people all the way down to the core. Btw, on her 5-day business trip, how many guys do you think she slept with? My guess is at least one or two.
A relationship might survive one breakup but once it starts looping on and off then there's no hope. It is very easy to fall back into old patterns. This is why it's important to know your values, have strong boundaries, state your deal breakers, and be able to respectfully communicate on a regular basis.
❤ the best avoidant video, that I came across, I'm in a relationship with a avoidant, and we split up twice, I had no contact with him whatsoever. I worked on myself I changed, and bam he reached out to me both times, I really let go without no intentions of being with him. We split up because I started asking him questions he was distant and detached. I asked him if he was seeing other ppl, that's what started it, I didn't believe nothing he said because of the answer he gave me, which was no not really, so I told him I like clear communication he came off as lying, so I told him I was done with him.
Mine (an FA) always comes back after a few hours, days, maybe even a week. I understand what she's going through. When I don't hear from her, I know what's going on and give her her space. She's even admitted she knows she needs to get better at communicating, and she's working on it. Patience is key, no matter what kind of attachment style you're dealing with though.
I have fearful avoidant. It’s like having anxious preoccupied and dismissive avoidant combined. When our anxious side is triggered (being abandoned, fear of being alone) we chase the other person, but when we are being pursued, it triggers the dismissive side and we retreat. You cannot fix her and you cannot stop this cycle. Only she can do it through learning how to regulate her nervous system. Love yourself enough to walk away. The reason I say this is because I did this with my ex husband knowing I didn’t have real feelings for him anymore. I just didn’t want to be alone and when things got too real, I would leave again. I didn’t understand what I was doing at the time and when I learned that I have FA, I explained it to him and we stopped the on and off relationship.
"I understand what she's going through"........ nah, you just want to THINK you do. They're not going through anything that bothers them. If they were, they wouldn't put themselves through it. You're the one taking the damage, not her. She's fine. If you don't believe me, tell her you're sick of her putting you through the mangle and she can Foxtrot Oscar. I'll guarantee you she'll either ghost you for being "nasty to her" (aka, you stopped walking on eggshells to save your crappy non-relationship) or, she'll gaslight you that it's all her fault and she'll change ... until the next time.
@@harry-james-books if she really has FA and he tells her to kick rocks, she will probably berate him and tell him it’s HIS fault. FA’s can get pretty disrespectful when feeling abandoned. But you’re not wrong about her being unbothered.
No, you're right, I don't fully grasp what she's going through, and she is unbothered until that anxiety creeps back up again. She has had moments of vulnerability, one in which out of the blue she said "I'm broken" and then I didn't hear from her for two days lol. I just learned to allow myself to be unbothered as well. She's free to come and go as she pleases.
High risk vs low risk partners are not brought up here. If an avoidant thinks youre low risk, theyll tell you things theyd never think theyd tell anyone. If youre high risk, they wont tell you squat.
My dismissive avoidant all of a sudden wanted to follow me on IG so I followed him back. The minute I posted a story with a male friend, he unfollowed me but then started posting stories of him with another girl. I muted his stories so never saw them. Next time he called, I didn't answer. I feel I am really letting him go but I feel he will again reach out. Meanwhile, I'm I am focusing on myself.
Stop wasting your life. Move on and shut all doors. Stop paining yourself. Why would you want an emotionally abusive cheater back that neglects you.. please decide that you want better for yourself in life. This person will never respect and love you wholeheartedly. You will spend years paranoid and depressed. Therapy works wonders. Block his axs and choose a respectable partner that treats you normally and right.
Its all mind games for avoidants. They dont deserve second chances. They dont deserve even to get attention. They have unresolved traumas that they do nothing about it. Their loneliness is well deserved. It seems that relatiinships are always one-sided with them. F*** no! Big fat ass no to them. Go to therapy and fix yourself, you are hurting ppl who just want a healthy relationship.
Sounds like dating an avoidant = to a slow burn, being present, be able to leave at any moment, and being in the relationship because you want to not because you need them
Living in two minds. On one hand you have to play the game of the avoidant consciously. On the other hand you have what comes natural which is to be in a loving nurturing relationship. It's walking a tightrope. This could cause you to grow older unnaturally. I also believe this could ruin future relationship patterns with other potential partners. It's like a big freaking test in love and life. I find people that like challenges 10 to be more drawn to these relationships. A mountain to climb if you will. Good luck I feel you.😅
Okay but I want someone with the courage to embrace their deeper feelings. If they avoid their own feelings they'll always avoid mine and before you know it I'll avoid my own as well because they are the ones setting the ever-changing, unspoken rules of how much vulnerability is allowed. It's exhausting and painful and when I'm really honest and check in with my own needs i want way more love and care. No games because they're scared. It's no way to live.
This is my story! The guy I'm dating learned in therapy that he is avoidant. We had an argument and he pushed me away. Then 4 months later he reached out and said he regretted how he pushed me away and wanted to try again.
Intellectually, I know my fearful avoidant spouse (together 9 years, married 6) loves me very much - tells me frequently every day, he nursed and cared for me for years when I became disabled & bedridden, has written me love poems - but barely gives me any time and I have zero expectation of affection nor any sort of emotional conversation because it won't happen. We were not exclusive until a couple months before we moved in together. There was a period of a month or so where he ghosted me, and I just sort of let it go because I have too much pride to chase after someone, but he came up with a plausible explanation that my overly-empathic self bought without seeing the red flags. Emotionally, we live pretty separate lives. It can be pretty lonely, but I've become quite secure as I just focus on myself. Sometimes it's emotionally easier when he is not home, because it feels better to miss someone who isn't there than one who is. Emotionally, he comes and goes as he pleases but I've become quite detached in many respects. Sometimes I get a week or two of lovebombing a couple times a year, with affection and gifts or something. But that almost makes it worse because it used to give me hope for change, so I almost prefer to be detached. If I hadn't been anxious attached and recovering from a marriage with a malignant narcissist when we met and he hadn't saved me, I doubt I would have chosen this for myself knowing what I know now. But my life is good enough and I'm detached (or dissociated) enough to where I am not interested in a different sort of romantic relationship enough to get divorced
Seriously, wtf is the message of this video? If you do all the work, and expect no effort from them at all, you will “succeed” in getting them back? How is being a doormat succeeding? Having personal needs is not a failure. Instead of jumping through hoops to make someone choose you, choose yourself. That is the only growth the Avoidant offers you.
Came to this video as someone who identifies as anxious and avoidant and the last segment was to a T how I feel in the early stages of dating. That is until I've already self-sabotaged and the other person has withdrawn their attention. Then I feel profound anxiousness and feelings of abandonment. I wish I could stop overthinking and find more courage early on to commit and just go with it. I've repeated this unhealthy pattern 4 times already and I always end up suffering deeply.
This sounds a lot like the actions of a narcissist 💯 they'll break it off and go do their thing while they stock often to a degree. When they come back they often tell you everything that they know that you want to hear (love bombing) . The whole time that they were learning you wasn't so that they would know how to love you but rather how to manipulate you . They often have several other's so that they can shuffle through their back ups rather than make a commitment. 💯 Narcissist 💯
I have been in this ending too. The avoiding coming back after 1 month of non contact and him still testifying his love for me. But I think it's very important to only take this avoidant back IF they are willing to also put in the work. Show up for you. This is my issue. I always show up for him. He was showing up for me for less than 2 months then he went back to his old self. Was such a clear switch. So to me is like he's not willing to work on things. So I am committed to let him go for good now. It's been 2 weeks.
So you have to discard them in order to avoid being discarded. This is no way to live. And I think they get worse over time. The similarities with BPD is something someone shd explore.
I’m pretty sure this happens is because God doesn’t want you to be giving your power to another person. Legit treating someone like they are a god. Putting someone on a pedestal, if you’ve been on the reviewing end, it is repulsive.
Many avoidant individuals have experienced hurt or betrayal in past relationships. This can make them wary of getting too close to someone and lead them to suppress their feelings as a defensive mechanism.
"avoidant individuals have experienced hurt or betrayal in past relationships" - Oh bless... if you've had more than a handful of relationships you experienced being hurt, being let down, being let down, blown off maybe even "betrayed" (what a stupoid word to use) because that's life. What normal people don't do is use it as an excuse to crap all over other people who were totally unconnected to what happened to you.
….because they have childhood issues of not having their emotional needs met, and they didn’t learn the skills to deal with conflict, and they haven’t grieved their losses.
I think some people are associating bad behavior and a bad person with this avoidant term. I think I’m a fear avoidant and I decided to look into this because I’ve met my match that is a mirror but just a guy. We like each other a lot but once we do something big, we pull back and ignore each other. We feel most comfortable being ourselves at a distance and when close, we barely say anything but stare at each other’s eyes lol. I shut off randomly and so does he. That’s when I questioned what’s wrong with us? We’re both odd despite how we look. We act normal with everyone else but with each other, 😂 it’s this whole push pull thing that’s not one sided. I’ve grown and I see he’s more avoidant. We both know when we’re looking at each other through our peripheral vision and don’t care if the other person knows. He actively listens when I’m talking about myself to someone I don’t like romantically (he smiles at me behind the person or will wear something that specific to me like mirroring each other with nonverbal acknowledgement). Speaking directly, he only answers but never engages fluently. I get awkward and awkwardly end the conversation. We do this distant dance. That’s like our own language. It’s annoying yet interesting.
My avoidant wished me a good Thanksgiving. I debated about answering back but I did for the Holiday. A photo Happy Thanksgiving. He responded that his daughter (whom he said he was with) was smiling. No contact since then.
Been there, done with it. I know my worth. ❤ Blissful no arguments suddenly called me to break up. It happened three in 16 months . He cried to get me back. I did twice but no more after 3rd break up. . Sad but happy I'm done. ❤
Here's the rub , yes focusing on yourself, becoming stronger and more independent, often are initially, appealing to the avoidant , however, that strength, independence soon will be perceived as a threat to the control they so desperately need to feel . With avoidants, it will always return to.... Wash rinse n repeat
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I had to take a step back from watching videos about avoidant personalities because I realize that I was putting too much mental effort into someone who is what they are regardless of how much effort I put into it. As somebody who has ran down these rabbit holes many many times trying to figure out what I can do to change or make that other person feel comfortable I suggest leaving the situation alone entirely if you possibly can.never chase avoidant people. That’s why this guy has made this video about 5000 times. It is marketable to chase after an avoidant person. Someone will make money off of your heartache. And you’re not going to get anything out of the deal. You’re just going to know that this person is who they are. Just accept it and move on
Maybe thats ur issue
Trying too hard
So sad I was doing that last 2 weeks and literally feeling I’m getting insane… it’s just the pain having big chunks of your life disappear in thin air is so enormous, I really don’t know what to do with it 😢
This is spot on. I’ve been doing so much research about someone who doesn’t care to do the research themselves. It’s really not worth it.
It's impossible to pour into a cup that is constantly leaking an not full...and able to pour into you. 💗
Can be helpful with understanding people in general. (Friends and family and building off past relationships). It's better to be educated. But then again I wonder if it anxious behavior if too much time is spent rumanating on the topic.
Deep feelings or not, when they shut down they will surpress their feelings and discard you like you never existed
Should i try again by begging?
No no, your best chance is no contact
that’s them deactivating. it’s not you it’s the feeling they get when a healthy love feels unhealthy & they think deactivating is loving. they just need to do very difficult work to get to the spectrum of secure. if you live in the united states this is very difficult where 98% of the people are in time poverty, overstimulated by their environment & how people react to this is giving into unhealthy coping mechanisms which creates more time impoverishment. we should give avoidants a lil more grace. if this is something you know you can’t handle its time to cut them loose. there are exceptions to this ofc. abuse, emotional neglect, not trying to meet your needs. i know this is nuance but it’s something to think about 💜🥹
@@supergrllondon191Hell no. Mirror their behavior. When they feel safe again, they'll be back
Yep, been there not too long ago 😅
It’s been 3 years and it’s not worth it. Just let go. Imagine having a relationship where it’s constantly on their terms so that you don’t trigger their fear.
Imagine 12 years 😅
@@avid9530damn. I guess in time I’ll be grateful mine only lasted 6 months
Absolutely, walked away after 2 years. I'm done! I deserve the best ❤
Man it's been years and I wonder if it's the idea I built up in my head of this person, or is it true. I have never gotten over her, and it wasn't even a serious relationship.
@@Tomalo-Dub define “serious”. 😅 after years in your mind/energy
Couldn't agree more with the other comments. Why bother trying to be with someone where you have to completely move on in order to get them to want to be with you. No one deserves to put up with that for 2, 3, heck 6+ months! That is just poison. Thanks, Chris, you finally convinced me to stop wasting my time on my ex. It's only been 3 weeks of the "don't contact me" game, but that is long enough. I know she secretly has feelings for me that she is actively supressing, but i shouldn't have to wait for her to finally come around. It's simple: do you want to be with me or not? If you can't answer in the affirmative immediately then the only answer is goodbye. My time and heart are more valuable than that. It's time for me to step away from that poison.
I think you might teach him a lesson for future relationships by leaving and not coming back
I'm 4 months in no contact, and I'm done
👏👏👏👏👏
Because, as craptacular as it ended up, the good parts were lightyears ahead of the previous relationship experiences.
I was with mine for a little over 6 months and oh boy “what a ride”? He was my first DA and my on and offs with him has taught me a lot about my self and how I ought to treat another human being. It’s exactly a month of no contact and I don’t regret it and told him never to reach out again. My mental health is my priority 🎉
Do this at your own risk. Don’t think you can lower your standards and not have boundaries thinking an Avoidant will change. You are just allowing him/her to come and go as they please. That’s a pretty sad life to live.
Not if you’re dating and aren’t attached. The key is you have to date and not put all of your eggs into one basket
Agreed just let them go for all this so not worth it. This is just someone who wants to be able to come and go with no commitment. Just so not interested! Codependency is a hell of a drug smh!
U do realize they do commit
@@Darkempress45 thanks for stating the obvious.
This obviously applies to those who fall into the “other” category ✌️🥳🙄🤨.
@@ci6516 uhm *avoidant* does *not* equal commitment.
An *_avoidant_* has issues within themselves. Therefore the only way they can really be in a relationship is if they are selfish, thus not being in a “real relationship”. They can’t even _be in a relationship_ if they can’t even *_relate to_* themselves.
You need to ask yourself why is this person so important to you that you’re willing to lose yourself and sacrifice everything to make them feel comfortable for a short time… and trust me it’s always a short time… don’t lose yourself you deserve the love you crave.
Absolutely true... After a short period you will realize everything and will have better picture that you were simply wasting your time that's it... 😢💔
Because it is actually possible for a DA to change. They are emotionally damaged but they also knows it deep inside but have learned to put a lid on it.
So they have to understand that by being like this, they will end up bitter and alone. Before they understand how much negative affect they have on their loved ones, they will never change. So if you truly love a person w DA you stick it out. But if it doesn't get better after therapy for a year or two, they are borderlines and beyond rescue.
My avoidant and i reached a crux...I know he loved me, wanted me, adored me amidst the cycles of idealization and deactivating ...but would not marry me. I left him. Because marriage is a non-negotiable for me. My heart was broken, but the pain of leaving was softer then the pain of his intermitant rejection.
They are psychic I swear, my avoidants always came back the minute I let go in my mind, and they didn’t follow me on social media. It’s a toxic cycle if the avoidant doesn’t choose to change as well. My avoidant from years and years ago is still the same.
They won't change.......
happened with me today, hours after i felt the euphoric feeling of complete detachment. crazy.
sorry, stay strong.
They appreciate personal growth in others, but don't want to do any themselves 🙄 Sounds fair!
Exactly 💯%!
😂
😂
That's a hilarious interpretation, especially for those who need to see the lighter side of this situation, I love it.
They have zero accountability. They would have to face their deep shame.
People wanting to get an avoidant back is beyond me.
They are IMPOSSIBLE to deal with.
😢 I'm pregnant by one, and I regret it. Real headache. It always on their time. They disregard your feelings and don't respect boundaries
These kind of videos were the worst poison for my life. I've got almost deattached from avoidant ex and then I found this videos and built my hope again which turned out to be complete disaster.
Just don't watch this s#&t and save yourself from further suffering. Avoidant will not come back. Embrace it and rediscover your seflworth and move on asap.
I'm glad I started reading the comments, to snap me back into reality. Even if and when they do come back. It's better to leave it alone and move on
My Avoidant DID come back on his own after 6 months. He professed his love, said everything was his fault, saw things from MY perspective! I thought he had an epiphany or a brick hit his head! What I failed to do at this point was to point him and us towards therapy and self-awareness. He lovebombed me the second time and I was on high alert but eventually he won me over AGAIN! Let me say it took 2 months for him to go back to his push & pull ways..our relationship was the same. This time, I had a lower tolerance for his antics and in the 4th month, I calmly explained to him WHY I was leaving him, why therapy was necessary and that HE was the emotionally immature man and the problem. This was hard to do and I still miss him. He refused to look at himself, to look inward. So I removed myself and let him go.
@@LuxuryTravel4Life❤ This is inspiring
@@LuxuryTravel4Lifewished I had your strength 😢
@@godspurple4805 You do.
Swear to God it’s like relapsing on drugs. I hang on to the tiniest breadcrumbs. I have a real problem.
I know exactly how you feel. 😪
It absolutely is drugs
I decided enough was enough after 15 months of it and cut him off
I’ve cried every single day for over 3 months since ending it, but still know that at least there will be light at the end of the tunnel and freedom.
It really is like going cold turkey and drug detox to getting sober.
Are you an anxious attacher?
@@fionakarbel258 Same. I'mlearning a lot about myself but it's been really painful. I'm enjoying the peace and freedom but I do cry every day.
😂😂😂😂😂😂 you're not alone
Let them back, they will do it again. There isn’t hope for these people. Avoid avoidants. No one deserves to drag someone who is overly emotional through life. Find someone who is secure. Stop wasting your life.
What I have learned from my DA is that he did not like when I called him out on his BS. At first I thought he was spoiled but then I realized he was actually showing me who he was. I’m secure and was straight up honest with him from day one and told him I prefer he does the same. He said he wants the same but then did the complete opposite. The love was there between us as he had admitted it but I couldn’t put up with the inconsistency and mind games. Thus, couldn’t trust him.
YES!!! That right there.
Thank you for posting. The small lies, saying you are coming home and later in the conversation they are headed to their old apt, hiding communication with other people, deleting texts, etc. and when you confront them they shut down or explode in anger. The rollercoaster of emotion gets old.
How he finally ended it? With an explosive over the top reaction. He actually told me he embellished it on purpose. (I was dumbfounded) He was actually smiling when he was recounting that evening’s events during our discussion A few days later.
As we were exchanging belongings, I asked why he went that extreme with yelling, throwing my clothes outside,etc. He said that’s how his parents know he’s done with people. It’s not the first time he’s done this.
What a joke! He’s 38 years old.😂 we were only there for the weekend due to his class reunion. And he was putting on a show.. OMG, this makes me laugh so hard now.
How immature and selfish. I am so thankful to be able to finally look at him and the situation for what it truly was.
Fast forward to the present: it was brought to my attention he has lived off and on with one particular man roughly 15 years. They are “friends” and if I were to sit back and really think about the arrangements he made for his life prior to meeting me and in that I would find my answer.
SURE ENOUGH. I did.
I am free from all the overthinking, anxiety, etc.
I'm in the same boat. I knew he lied to me about something so simple and I held on to it. Subtly brought it up in a gentle way without diving in and he flipped it and became the victim. He was already pulling away, and this forced it into overdrive. Now I feel like he's punishing me...will watch my stories, like my posts, won't text back like he used to.
@@tabbyshirley7808definitely a form of punishment and it sucks my friend.. it sucks. 😢
that's a natural consequence of being a super immature person. has nothing to do with being avoidant.
@@Kit-kk9cbagree with you I think people are conflating a whole lot of things, incl NPD, relationship/commitment phobias etc and calling it avoidant, although avoidant attachment does exist
Be their peace and pleasure, and they will never leave you alone. Detach and let it happen. It works. Have your own life.
How if they don’t even act as though you exist?
@ That’s a different problem. That’s not a relationship. If you have no give and take at all, remove yourself - ignore them and if they don’t react, move on.
True. 10 years after it feels like everyone else is in relationship but you. You give peace and pleasure but you receive nothing instead. You have to be completely self reliant. It’s like being single but giving to someone. It’s toxic in the long run. It’s exhausting. And very very lonely. Time passes you’re no longer young and harder to look for partnership.
I gave up on my avoidant partner after putting in a lot of effort to cope with it. He is distant, cold, ungrateful, and especially selfish. Unfortunately, he is not honest, even though I feel secure. I just couldn't live in toxicity for the rest of my life.
I'm glad you did that for yourself. We should always prioritize ourselves. I know what you have been through
@@ingrid5944 thak you 😍
Must be dating the same guy
The dishonest part is interesting. I have been w a DA for 15 years now and she has been lying to me all the time. I have had to learn how to catch her lying by asking her the same questions with a week or two apart so she forgets what she said the first time. By doing that I have caught her cheating and lying about a lot of stuff. She is now in therapy and I will wait for her to get better. Love is love you know. I won't ever settle for second best.
I like and appreciate this video but I’ve learned it’s a fuck yes or a fuck no. Everything else is time wasting rhetoric.
Sad but true. The limbo is what makes people in relationships with DAs. I know. I have been there for a decade. I'm going to ask here straight up tomorrow if she wants to be with me or not. And I will only take a simple YES or NO as an answer. If she can't do that, I'm out.
Life is too short for this
Man even just watching a minute of these videos are exhausting. Imagine trying to get back with an avoidant
@derwoodhamburger yeah it s very exhausting
@@derwoodhamburger I had to pause and come back to this video because of my day to day. I hear you
Lol
If I start seeing someone, the moment they display avoidant behavior, the very hint of flakiness, I'm gone. There will be no negotiating. I had to learn the hard way that it's not my job to fix them and they will bring nothing but an emotional roller coaster, grief and time wasted. You deserve better, people, but you have to KNOW that.
I agree. It's a rollercoaster. They can heal or want to heal with you.
I prefer to set a boundary first and let them know I won't tolerate their flakiness. Then they'll have a chance to either stop doing it or come to some sort of compromise that we're both happy with.
@@NomadicMagick That is fair. I suppose it depends on the infraction. Eight weeks of ghosting, as in the case of one of the subjects of the video, would be automatic disqualification on my end.. bc I would likely never be able to feel safe in the relationship again.
@@NomadicMagick Just anecdotally, I tried to ask for compromise and he replied that he wouldn't because I would want access to him 24/7. I admit that I did not respond well.
@@Moshka627 I agree that it definitely depends on the circumstance. If my person suddenly ghosted me for 8 weeks we'd be 100% done.
Either way, it's toxic. We shouldn't have to play games to have someone admit their genuine feelings. At the end of the day, if you don't have any self awareness the feelings aren't sincere. That means they don't value you in a relationship but when you're gone they want you back. It's not a healthy way to train the brain to say this is a normal relationship. I don't want people coming back. People need to just do the work
Yep after they seemed to want to get back with me I made it clear I wouldnt be waiting after months of just very inconsistent contact. Boundaries are something I learned arent used to manipulate people but to protect yourself which is why I was hesitant to even say anything despite like near no contact until they finally decided to come back. It put an example but once I saw they understood I wont just be okay with everything its really made em show up for the last 2 years, to my surprise they really are considerate when they do truly love you and you make it clear you dont want to hurt them but wont tolerate all behaviors either. Personal growth really is the key to being happy.
The only reason an “avoidant” person doesn’t just break up with the person that they’re avoiding is because they have a chance to get sex out of that person, because they know they are loved by them. Therefore, they are manipulative USERS plain and simple..
Long story short: avoidants are entitled little children who don't want to play with a toy up to the very moment the toy becomes unavailable. 🙄🙄🙄
Is it any worse than. Long story short: anxious preoccupied are spoilt little children who will throw a tantrum kick and scream if other kids won’t play their game or with them!
@@remyd1984 both have their issues, that's for sure. People be needing some therapy 😑😑😑
@@remyd1984 Good point, Remy. The difference is, an anxious person is engaged and as such, you can work with him/her. Dealing with an avoidant is a tiresome game of cat and mouse in which the avoidanttis not truly there, not truly engaged and offers very, very little. If I had to choose anxious or avoidant, I'd take an anxious any day of the week and twice on Sundays.
@@remyd1984 the point is this videos are labbeling multiple thing in one. I can tell you avoidants can be truely anxius on demanding. What you cannot pretend is have sex with someone and tell that person, ok you dont matter a shir cause sex is only sex so whatever need you have means nothing to me. That is unrepectfull, the quid is an avoidant just dont give a fuck about it .. So deal with it, cause im not an anxius" one and see these people acting like they care and being not able to connect , please, when you feel,give it its worth, recognise it and show it,,, or do whatever if you are not able to feel love or want to give it, just accept it and look for a partner like you, if that what you f want (edit: corrected mistaken spelling)
He avoided cuz his blue pills never worked either. Anxiety of performing 😅
As an avoidant leaning secure, number 5 rings very true. I did that with all of my exes and in many cases my critic got me to leave them. Honestly for the right reasons though not the surface level ones. We have grueling inner critics. Sometimes they're helpful because they are protecting us from someone who actually isn't a good fit for us, but it's hard to see that from the fear talking. They definitely won't keep tabs or have the struggle if they don't care. That's true af. I still fall into that pattern if things take too long to develop. Knocks me right out of my secure headspace into my old avoidant thought patterns and I have to process my way through it. I sit and observe myself until I calm down. No running just a slight pulling back of effort and then a refocus on self. I'm pretty sure my avoidant crush is doing the same thing. the second things start moving one of us pulls back and the other does the same in response. Literally drives me nuts. Thing is, it's not personal at all. Usually we are just untangling our own fears and trying not to mess up or cause unnecessary hurt for ourselves or others. I know for myself if I'm not 100% sure about someone I'll pull back for that reason as to hopefully not allow them to over invest in me. Obviously there are honest talks too but those are hard for some avoidants and they just completely fall off. I feel for those pursuing a fellow avoidant, we are so confusing and it's honestly so exhausting. I don't blame others for giving up on us or moving on. Always do what's best for you in any situation tbh. Best of luck.
me and my bf (not bf anymore ig idk) rn. I'm definitely slightly avoidant and he's totally avoidant.
@@unanimation best of luck. That's such a difficult situation, the limbo. The uncertainty is gut wrenching. I hope it works out or at the least you get clarity.
@@retrovintagedreams thanks. yeah, it's very fucking weird and just leaves me feeling nauseated even tho we're both still responsive but leaving a lot of space between.
@@retrovintagedreams i think it is so brave what you are going through... i would tell you, to trust more your feelling and don't be afraid to expose yourself to rejection or the other to invest in you... The point is, right not make someone lose his time on you and be claer and respectfull (it includes sincerity with yourself about your feellings) in the way you communicate this kind of things. That all. I've never had these avoudant or anxius behavieurs except with one ex, and it was horrible... anyway, as a protection maybe it works, as I took risks i shouldn't , but we are never free of that, have an avoidant friend and she also met some unkniwn people you know what i mean? so, take it easy, and lets be true to our own feellings,, say things imporant for you (bounds) with caring (sometimes the other wont listen or care, but you need to do it ..). And thats all we can f do !! then accept what it is the other person and realize our own needs. Cheers ❤
I let my DA go (officially dumped over the phone and then ghosted) after 10 months of "dating" (being marginalized and likely cheated on), and my ex came back in the textbook 4 months later. Why I'm happy, sane, and in a great relationship now - I never let the DA back into my life. She can take all her problems elsewhere. No thanks. Life's good now. Go forth and do likewise.
People watched this video, and somewhere halfway through they had the gut-wrenching thought, “this is too hard.” It was a visceral physical aversion to doing what seemed like a fool’s errand. That exact feeling, that thing in your gut saying this is too hard - that’s how DAs feel about everything. All of are avoidant to some degree. DAs just happen to be more avoidant.
@WrittenMysteries-ne7px thank you very much for this insight. I find it really valuable. I DID feel half way through, that it is just an impossible situation. You are correct, and it's given me real food for thought, what you have said
@@WrittenMysteries May I ask....are you DA?
@@whiggygirl oh hey it’s nice to see I made a little difference! Yes I’m a classic DA. Not the fearful kind but the independent kind.
@@WrittenMysteries I didn't realise there was a difference on DA's? Or are you comparing the DA with the FA? I'm FA myself
@@whiggygirlthe DA style has two types. FA with a callous can behave like DA but it still comes from a place of fear. Most content on DAs is about them. Classic DAs are dismissive in the true sense of the word. We are not afraid other people won’t like us. We tend to assume other people are unreliable, so we learn to meet our own needs. Thus we are dismissive of help from others. That’s how the style got its name. As I said fear-driven people can go numb to the point that they seem calloused, which mimics DA, but is rooted in a different ontology,
Why anyone in their right mind would want to ’win an avoidant back’ is beyond me, unless of course they are addicted to misery pain and suffering.
Sometimes the perfect person has flaws of their own. If love can be turned off by a switch, then it was never that strong to begin with anyways.
Sometimes the most beautiful souls are the ones that want to hide the most.
@@lunagardvonbingen ….spoken like a true avoidant !!
@@lunagardvonbingenEveryone has flaws. It’s not “love being turned off….”The love is still there. Just not willing to go through the same thing again.
@@Flufero23 I agree with the way you explained it. nonetheless this is not your argument being made.
@@cspace1234nz ...Does it matter who I am? You're awfully quick to point fingers, name, and judge.
If I am avoidant as you say, how do you know I've not addressed these problems already?
I've taken the burden of letting my thoughts flow over myself. You merely claim them as your own.
Run as far away as possible, avoidant partners are the worst thing that can happen to you!
Dismissive Avoidant = Serial Ghoster
Wonderful video My partnership of five years ended a month ago. When my true love decided to part ways with me, it truly is the only thing on my mind. I can't fathom my life with anyone else, and even though I've tried everything to get him back, it's all in vain. Despite my best efforts to put him out of my thoughts, I can't help but miss him and think about him all the time. I could not really tell you why I am saying this.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
@@Shanieceflordi these are all lies and scam.. Trust God only and let go.
Regina just allowed him to live without any responsibilities, congrats
Exactly my thoughts. That isn't anything that I'd want
She's desperate to get him . Later she get suffocate after getting him
Interesting how all the “success stories” involved male avoidants who initiated the breakup
Yeah. I'm male anxious with a female avoidant. While the general principle of let go is good for the anxious, I'd really love to know what goes on in the female avoidant's mind.e
@@stevenmorris5562 yeah that’s what I was getting at. I’m a male FA (unfortunately but working on it) and in the video this is all true and exactly how I would respond, but I wonder if for a woman avoidant do they respond the same way. I wonder if the fear of rejection is different since men tend to initiate more and are more accustomed to rejection, and perhaps willing to shoot that shot and send that horribly embarrassing “I’m sorry I made a mistake” text.
@@chacquito1862 I’m a female avoidant
@@stevenmorris5562 I am a female avoidant and it’s no different than what you’re going through.
@stevenmorris5562 I'm female FA and my ex is anxious. He would shower me with love then complain I didn't shower him with love the exact way but it's really not my nature. I expressed love in my own way but he would call me a cold, unfeeling person.
I watch a lot of videos and read a lot of books and I like to think now I'm more capable of expressing myself rather than shutting down. But I still can't reach out to him. I think the biggest reason is I don't think he has taken accountability or changed/grown. Obviously, the relationship wasn't working. So both people need to take accountability and be willing to change and build new patterns. I would love it if my ex reached out to signal this step.
I think you should reach out to your ex but really know yourself and what you're capable of and what you need from a partner. Anxious-avoidant relationships have the potential for enormous growth but also toxicity. Strong boundaries and respectful communication are a must.
Why do avoidance seem kind of like narcissist? Narcissist react the same way when you give them no contact. Once they sense that you finally are doing better without them they come running back and start love bombing you.
They definitely have some narcissistic traits
Because they are the same
This anxious and avoidant thing is like a light, non-diagnosed version of codependents and narcissists/borderlines.
@@JediMindtrick91 I thought about it this way, the other day. (I'm trying so hard to do the deep work/healing to fix myself, I'm in a very codependent relationship and life, deep in pain when I'm not single but still deeply coping even when single via overworking, over-giving, not knowing how to slow down or say no yet - because it comes from a poor sense of self-worth and self-love so you feel the need to PROVE you're lovable by being in service/controlling everything around you so people like you/you don't feel so empty and unloved.)
Narcissism is loving and caring for yourself at the expense of others. Codependency is loving and caring for others at the expense of yourself. No wonder we find ourselves so deeply enmeshed with each other.
I think people truly can heal if they have the drive to, the awareness of the problem, and do the work, but.... I also think (maybe I'm biased).. that it's easier for someone who is already SO WILLING and so trained to look out for the desires and wants and needs of others in order to try and find love for themselves, to turn it inwards and learn to love/respect the self enough to become more secure... But if you look out for YOURSELF at the expense of others like avoidants/narcissists? How do you build love and self-respect and self-validation on that same broken core when your cope is to AVOID loving others? I think it must be harder for them... especially those that are so far into it. I'm VERY far into codependency and healing those wounds is a very painful road of self-discovery and active effort and setbacks. Going the 'avoidant/narcissist route to an extreme degree feels like you don't have true self-love or self-acceptance, same as the codependent, but you ALSO don't know how to show up in those ways for others, either, or even how to put other's needs above your own. Being a codependent/anxious, you try to show up for others to the detriment of yourself. The cure is to build up your self-worth and self-esteem, and learn how to stop trying to regulate your damaged self-worth by setting boundaries and respecting YOURSELF, so that you can also start showing up for others in ways that aren't problematic. I think it's easier to learn to respect yourself when you're already capable of respecting and truly loving others.. but I think it's a harder battle when your cope is to only care for yourself and avoid problems, but it comes from a place of lacking empathy for yourself AND others in the first place...
If you chase problems to fix them to try and feel love/be closer to someone, you can learn to dial it back, but if you avoid problems to avoid being close to others.. can you just as easily learn to face them? I don't know. In my experience so far, it's been much easier for me (anxious/codependent) to learn and grow and become more and more secure because the solution is to be more comfortable with myself, alone, accepting myself and learning to show myself the love I already try to show others, but if your cope is the other direction to AVOID all those things, yea, it's probably possible if you're not so far gone - but your instinct ISNT to fix and move closer, it's to AVOID and move away... so... how does that even work? It must be terrifying, because you already think others can't love you or see you or get too close, and will hurt you deeply if they do. Opening your heart to be able to truly trust somebody else like that sounds much harder, to me, than taking the love and desire for closeness you ALREADY have and turning it inwards to learn to love yourself. How can you love yourself when your tendency is to avoid yourself?
I don't know. Maybe it's all degrees of the same story, just different copes. Just a thought I had while working through this stuff over many months, deeply entangled in a 14-year toxic relationship between a codependent and a narcissist, or an 'anxious-leaning person' and an 'avoidant leaning person' (who I love so much, but have not left after being lied to, cheated on, discarded, many times.) I've let my boundaries be nonexistant at the expense of my values and beliefs and sense of self-worth, to try and receive love that I thought was real from someone unable to truly open up and give that love. Trying to build myself back up to the point I'm not feeling like a shattered shell, and learn how to not only recognize my own self-worth and inherent value, but advocate for my own proper treatment by having firm boundaries. It's not easy, but it's coming. It likely will never come with this person, but we're both slowly trying to heal adjacently because our lives are so entangled at this point and we've realized too late how awful we are for each other.
But will he ever get better for his own sake? (Not for me, that's a fool's errand and exactly my problem I need to get away from). It's up to him, at this point; the whole point is that me 'trying to help fix it together' is what led both of us down this path this far. If 14 years of my absolute best can't fix it, I need to smarten up and realize I can only fix myself and if he wants to show up fully and completely by healing his own stuff, then we'll see it when it comes. But one can't keep lighting themselves on fire to warm someone else, that's the codependent's whole problem in the first place. Someone can either step up themselves and show up all on their own, or we can let them go. By trying to fix it, it's only falling deeper into the problem that the codependents have. You can only fix yourself and hope the right others will show up, and turn away the others who you realize will not show up, by having healthy boundaries, knowing your goals/values, and enforcing them. That's all we can do.
Oops, I got wordy again. It's part of my problem I'm trying to fix -- reaching out to others to connect and share with, instead of being able to internally process and regulate on my own. Work in progress.
This is all very interesting, but being with an avoidant partner is not worth it. Ultimately, they cannot be trusted because they are so conflicted. Just move on and save yourself a lot of heartache.
End of the day person who loves avoidants truly and unconditionally - will go through Pain depression...😂
unless you agree and sympathise with the feeling
@@loud7739Agreeing with and sympathizing with them is Pain and Depression😂
At best you could sympathize with one that is putting in the work to change.
i'm there right now
i'm never gonna win and i know it
So true, I asked nothing in my situationship and all I got was sudden, without any reason ghosting, that left me in Pain and shock.
Yes he came back and it's been very nice. In hindsight, I understand why he needed the break, and am grateful for it because it gave me time to grow, evolve, detach, ground myself. I hate to admit it, but *I* was not in a good emotional place so I was not respecting his boundaries. I like myself so much better now, and my own stability has created a safe space for him to let down his walls.
Has he changed to?
@@johneeseepps6814 Yes I would say he changed his behavior. I'm not chasing, so he's no running- he's able to come to me. I'm relaxed, so he's able to come off his mental "high alert". I'm giving him space (busy with my life) so he's at ease knowing he's not expected to fill any void in my life. I'm communicating better, he's expressing his deeper thoughts. Thank you for asking. 🙂
Wow, an anxiously attached person who has taken accountability for their actions! Interesting how it's not rated higher.
@@MIMIDSH it would be a good idea if you could talk to him now that he's behaving decently, in a very gentle way, without any pressure, to explain him about his avoidant attachment and seek therapy if he's willing to, if he is not, then move on, because he will get back to how he was, it's like a timimg bomb, when they come back, it's all great, love and happyness, once they get sophocated, or feel trapped, or overwhelmed by affection and love or if you mention commitment, or if the relationship is going well on the right path, they will purposely judge you and find every little flaw you may have as an excuse to run away, this is how intense their fear operates, then their fears will blind their logic, they will shut down, and will leave, they cant even control it, the intense love they feel for you is outweighted by their fears and traumas, it's an auto response they're not even aware of.
@@pdazajhon2160 yeah, we were together for 25 yrd, ha ve a 13 yr old... ghosted us both. O n10th day, I discovered that he filed for divorce and tried to manipulate our son into believing some crazy false narrative about me on the phone behind my back... From ghosting for 10 days to popping up and telling son he is losing his family and his father is taking him. Yeah, the 13 yr old freaked out and became afraid of him , feared he would never see his mother again. So, he completely "avoided" avoided his father and refuses to see or talk to him since Aug. What a horrible situation, I had no idea we were even unhappy with each other, I knew we were unhappy, in a world of extreme stress, death, finances, etc... Destroyed our family, traumatized our son, and no matter what he says to villainize me, the fact remains that when things got super extreme for us as a family, he abandoned his family when his family needed him the most. 25 years... that's a tough pill to swallow that someone can ghost you and leave you with nothing after all of those years. It has been gut-wrenching, but, we move on, rebuilding. All I wanted was to have him back. But, after going through the hard work, cleaning up the physical and emotional mess he left behind, and feelings of fear and anxiety "i cant do it without him/" kinda feels like wtf do I need him for anymore, we already got through the storm on our own. The best part for me is that Mama stood strong in the storm and kept her boy stable and strong and happy... Terrifying to think of him coming back and never being able to trust him again. I pray he gets help and realizes what he did and how it hurt and destroyed the 2 people who loved him the most, especially since he was always a good person and we will be connected by our son.
Avoidant men will always come back at a much higher clip than avoidant women. Hence why all 4 of your success case studies dealt with avoidant men. Would love to see you do a video one day with avoidant women coming back.
Avoidants are not worth, and do not deserve, a relationship. Just put them in your FWB category if you're physically attracted to the person and call it good. Detach all emotion. Just enjoy the good times when they come around. And be okay when they leave again.
Similar success story for me. Same common thread. They can be willing to grow if you are and kind of “lead the way” by becoming secure in attachment yourself
I let him go. He is nothing I want him to be. He could be so amazing, and he is, but the damage he has has destroyed The Most Amazing person that could have been.
His parents 😢 did this to him.
I truly love him:- everything he does. His movement, voice, sensitive soul. He knows he has issues.
He knows. He thinks he is worth nothing and seeks out pain and suffering which matches his opinion of himself.
My girl is exactly the same?
Eventually they will destroy you because they find no solution their problems to blame you. I tried and tried losing myself to please mine and he still walked away after so many years and two kids.❤️🩹
@@jackiel7726 same. 20 year marriage and two kids. Walked away like I never mattered. I tried so hard to fix her and lost myself in the process. After a 2 year divorce battle, I had to let go and move on. I’m now in a relationship with a secure woman. I didn’t know what I was missing.
You got huge ego if you think that you are the best to be hoenst.
I see all signs, he said im not ready for a serious thing after chasing me for a year.. He’s watching me on my socials but that’s BS i need real actions 😢 he knows if he comes back this time it’s for a serious commitment..i fell for him thinking he was secure because i never met an amazing man like him, still i walked away in peace ✌🏻
Best advice ever for avoidants - go figure it out; get into therapy and WORK to understand and get past what you're experiencing. You can succeed!! And it's worth it!!
Best advice ever for those in contact with avoidants - do not get involved with one. Period. Full stop. It's not your job to either compensate for or fix another person.
Are avoidants human beings with a need for attachment? Absolutely. Do they "deserve" love? Harder to answer. Taking a humanist perspective, sure, all of us deserve it. Taking an economic perspective, you get what you give; you get what you can offer and if you can't offer much, you don't "deserve" much.
1. Accepting vulnerability only in an indirect and unconventional way.
2. An emotional pull after personal growth. They'll admire you and would want to come back if they notice that you've changed.
3. Monitoring your social media activity. (Going through this right now. He'll watch me but won't reach out)
4. Engaging after you truly let go (basically proving their belief that they're unlovable and would be abandoned).
5. They are fighting their internal voice. They're basically calling out their own BS at this point.
In short, don't trigger them by practically proving that you're not trying to take away their independence. It'll take time but they'll come around if they actually cared.
Bro I told him “I love you” for the first time, after 3 seconds i got a “thanks” back 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂
Same here.
Im sorry but i wheezed on this 😭😂😂😂 thats why you should never waste your time on these incels ✨
Me too, when I told him I missed him.
Deep feelings or not, being with an avoidant will drive you nuts, as time passes it starts breaking down your nervous system and that leads to chronic illnesses. The truth is that they can't love you like you should be loved. Being with someone only for the potential (that you've created in your head) Is self harm. They're not gonna change just because they "have potential".You need to learn to love yourself so you know to not put up with this bs and actually value yourself, your feelings etc.
There are many fish in the sea but why harm or even break yourself for one, when you could make a different choice and choose a better fish that will make sure that no harm comes to you in anyway (yes I'm also talking about your feelings) because people who actually love you will make sure they don't hurt you in any way and if they do, they make sure the same mistake won't happen twice. They make sure that you know exactly how they feel about you, they take care of you and lift you up, they make your life easier not harder.
.
Well in short, stop being stupid and loving people who can't actually love you back and will not LOVE you back . Be single until you learn to love yourself so you can learn your value, your boundaries etc. Because if you don't love yourself, you're gonna let bs people to bs things to you. Choosing to be with someone like that is self harm.
Your world doesn't revolve around another person and it never should.
Be single.
Learn to love yourself.
Learn your boundaries.
Learn your value/worth.
Get to know your trauma so you don't make decisions based on that.
(People who grow up around toxic people, choose toxic people as partners because it feels "familiar".)
Learn to be uncomfortable because getting out of your familiar zone is uncomfortable.
Heal.
It's your life, your choices.
Don't choose to harm yourself,
Choose to love yourself.
Thank you ❤. I needed this
For all of you watching this video: read this comment above! 💯💯💯💯
So Regina is 25 years old and has grown children? Yikes
Exactly 😅 Chris is testing the audience
Coming from an FA, healing to secure attachment in therapy, I don’t waste my time with DA that cannot see they need help and are not willing to work with a professional. And I advise everyone to do the same. As soon as I see dismissive traits I get triggered. I learned to assert myself in a healthy way, but with DA every time you express your needs they deactivate. It’s too much for whoever wants to live a peaceful life.
This particular video made everything come together for me in my head. I’ve been reading and watching a lot of videos trying to understand this but usually end up more confused afterwards rather then educated. Not so with this video. Outstanding work, thank you. ❤
Moved across the country 44yrs. ago for him but refused to become an "Option" ‼️ Decided to leave & after I was engaged came to my house the night B4 my wedding saying "I Thought we'd marry FIRST", then drove off! Both our spouses died & he found me once again, knocked on my door 🚪 & we've been inseparable 5yrs now 🎉❤🌹❤️🔥
Are you not scared you're a hospice wife now?
Excellent video. (The "critcal" voice.) Wow. Past male had an alcoholic, critical father as a young child and he was taught by his mom & dad to "hide" his feelings and not be vulnerable, I found out just last year, 2 1/2 years after I broke up with him as he was "juggling" me even though he led me to believe we were "exclusive." My heart was shattered💔. Had never heard about an "Avoidant Attachment" until this year when I saw some videos about that style. Ty 🌹for this video. Gave me a huge amount of knowledge I needed to hear.
I believe in destiny, if the person and I are meant to be then, it will happen
no matter how you are being avoided! Just keep going with our daily life
and be happy!
I dated an avoidant briefly (for like 3 months) back in the spring/early summer of this year. We went to a concert together on a Friday in July, she spent the evening with me and then proceeded to spend the entire weekend, like 3 days total together nonstop. When she finally left my place at the end of the weekend, she gave me the biggest hug she had ever given me followed by several kisses and lamented about how she had never felt the feelings she felt with me, with anyone else in her 30+ years on this planet, that time melted when we were together, 3 days felt like 3 hours, etc. She left and even turned around and came back to tell me how much I meant to her, kissed me one last time and then finally went home, texted me for the next few hours about how she couldn’t want to see me again. The next day, she texts me in the morning a cute selfie and then tells me she needs to be off her phone a bit because she got a promotion at work and needed to dig in. The next day, 6am, she texts me “my heart is heavy and I need to end things between us. I’m too busy with work to entertain a relationship and I’m just not emotionally available right now.” She said she wanted to see me in person that evening, then the evening came, said she would prefer a call instead, but she never called and ended up ghosting/blocking me a few days later.
I did hard NC for 3 months and one day, we crossed paths on a local running/bike path. I completely ignored her and she ends up texting me that she wants to catch up and basically that she was going out of town for a week, but wanted a FaceTime call when she was back. We FaceTime, she tells me how much she missed me, told me that it was obvious that I did tons of “shadow work” (which I had been going to therapy to help me find my secure attachment style again after becoming pretty anxious due to her EXTREMELY hot and cold FA attachment). She comes back, we start hanging regularly, talking daily, she starts saying all the same things again about how incredible of a person I am, that she’s truly never felt a connection like we have before with anyone, even starts telling me that she was having nightmares of seeing me with other women and that the thought of that made her sick to her stomach. Was inviting me to weddings, concerts, even work events. We did this for a month, she spent the night a few times and like clockwork, after one weekend where she once again spent the weekend with me, telling me how rare our connection is and that she can’t imagine herself falling asleep next to anyone else, she leaves, doesn’t talk to me at all the following day and then no joke, on her way to the airport for a work trip, I shot her a quick little “good luck this week!” Text (I could sense her pulling back and gave her space without her even asking) and she replies “we need to end this. I don’t see a long term relationship between us and I’m really just too busy with work to keep this going, plus I’m just not emotionally available at all right now.” She told me “let’s go for a walk and talk about everything when I’m back.”
She didn’t talk to me at all for 5 days and the day she’s supposed to be coming back, I texted her just to see it she was alright since her last trip was kind of a disaster and she says “I’ll call you when I’m home. Thank you for the space.” I asked her if we could close things out in person since I could feel the discard again, I find her it would mean a lot to me since she was talking about leaving the state in the spring and it could very possibly be the last time we see each other. she literally laughed at me and says “nah, I’m good ✌️” and I just told her “I will sincerely pray for you that you can figure out whatever is burning inside you to keep causing this emotional roller coaster, but I cannot keep putting myself through this” and blocked her mid-reply.
Do yourself a favor and just move on from these people. They might not be bad people, but they are severely damaged individuals and will continue to hurt you as long as you allow them back into your life. There is no human being on this planet that’s worth subjecting yourself to that kind of pain and constant push-pull dynamic. Find someone who actually wants to communicate with you and not play games or turn every single conversation into an emotional minefield
Thanks for this. :) Something I needed to hear. I'm way more tangled up with 'mine' but the pain is unbearable, why live life that way for any longer?
I appreciate the time you took in describing the behavior of your avoidant. I'm going through this now for the first time.
Your story sounds closely similar to something I went through with a fearful avoidant. I've known many in my life. I can say they are heartless and soulless horrible people all the way down to the core. Btw, on her 5-day business trip, how many guys do you think she slept with? My guess is at least one or two.
Get healed. That is the answer. Do the work and grow and evolve
Sure. They come back but do they stay? And is it a healthy relationship?
A relationship might survive one breakup but once it starts looping on and off then there's no hope. It is very easy to fall back into old patterns.
This is why it's important to know your values, have strong boundaries, state your deal breakers, and be able to respectfully communicate on a regular basis.
❤ the best avoidant video, that I came across, I'm in a relationship with a avoidant, and we split up twice, I had no contact with him whatsoever. I worked on myself I changed, and bam he reached out to me both times, I really let go without no intentions of being with him. We split up because I started asking him questions he was distant and detached. I asked him if he was seeing other ppl, that's what started it, I didn't believe nothing he said because of the answer he gave me, which was no not really, so I told him I like clear communication he came off as lying, so I told him I was done with him.
🎉🎉 Spot on video! 🎉🎉 I love the LIVE examples !
No other channel does that,
We never hear from their clients !
🎉🎉 REALLY HELPFUL TO RELATE 🎉🎉
So what are the signs they have feelings for you? This was just a list of things that will get them back.
@@CourtneyCoulson They DO have feelings for you. They’re just overwhelming.
I love your work Chris. You are diving past the surface level of attachment and I appreciate that.
Mine (an FA) always comes back after a few hours, days, maybe even a week. I understand what she's going through. When I don't hear from her, I know what's going on and give her her space. She's even admitted she knows she needs to get better at communicating, and she's working on it. Patience is key, no matter what kind of attachment style you're dealing with though.
Try going a few months or a few years. Y
I have fearful avoidant. It’s like having anxious preoccupied and dismissive avoidant combined. When our anxious side is triggered (being abandoned, fear of being alone) we chase the other person, but when we are being pursued, it triggers the dismissive side and we retreat. You cannot fix her and you cannot stop this cycle. Only she can do it through learning how to regulate her nervous system. Love yourself enough to walk away.
The reason I say this is because I did this with my ex husband knowing I didn’t have real feelings for him anymore. I just didn’t want to be alone and when things got too real, I would leave again. I didn’t understand what I was doing at the time and when I learned that I have FA, I explained it to him and we stopped the on and off relationship.
"I understand what she's going through"........ nah, you just want to THINK you do.
They're not going through anything that bothers them. If they were, they wouldn't put themselves through it.
You're the one taking the damage, not her. She's fine.
If you don't believe me, tell her you're sick of her putting you through the mangle and she can Foxtrot Oscar. I'll guarantee you she'll either ghost you for being "nasty to her" (aka, you stopped walking on eggshells to save your crappy non-relationship) or, she'll gaslight you that it's all her fault and she'll change ... until the next time.
@@harry-james-books if she really has FA and he tells her to kick rocks, she will probably berate him and tell him it’s HIS fault. FA’s can get pretty disrespectful when feeling abandoned. But you’re not wrong about her being unbothered.
No, you're right, I don't fully grasp what she's going through, and she is unbothered until that anxiety creeps back up again. She has had moments of vulnerability, one in which out of the blue she said "I'm broken" and then I didn't hear from her for two days lol. I just learned to allow myself to be unbothered as well. She's free to come and go as she pleases.
Regina is 25 and has grown kids???
This made me fucking cackle 😂
😂 right?
xd
High risk vs low risk partners are not brought up here. If an avoidant thinks youre low risk, theyll tell you things theyd never think theyd tell anyone. If youre high risk, they wont tell you squat.
@nicolen9866 how do you define low risk vs high risk
My dismissive avoidant all of a sudden wanted to follow me on IG so I followed him back. The minute I posted a story with a male friend, he unfollowed me but then started posting stories of him with another girl. I muted his stories so never saw them. Next time he called, I didn't answer. I feel I am really letting him go but I feel he will again reach out. Meanwhile, I'm I am focusing on myself.
They are emotionally immature
Stop wasting your life. Move on and shut all doors. Stop paining yourself. Why would you want an emotionally abusive cheater back that neglects you.. please decide that you want better for yourself in life. This person will never respect and love you wholeheartedly. You will spend years paranoid and depressed. Therapy works wonders. Block his axs and choose a respectable partner that treats you normally and right.
@@loriepayne2930 LoL! The games … Play stupid games win stupid prizes!
They make me feel ill. It is very exhosting.
exhausting ❤
Really good video Chris. This was very helpful to me, to understand the emotional cycle better
Its all mind games for avoidants. They dont deserve second chances. They dont deserve even to get attention. They have unresolved traumas that they do nothing about it. Their loneliness is well deserved. It seems that relatiinships are always one-sided with them. F*** no! Big fat ass no to them. Go to therapy and fix yourself, you are hurting ppl who just want a healthy relationship.
I love the knowledge in these comments more than the video's. 😅💗
Yes, but the video has to be good to trigger insightful comments.
Sounds like dating an avoidant = to a slow burn, being present, be able to leave at any moment, and being in the relationship because you want to not because you need them
Living in two minds. On one hand you have to play the game of the avoidant consciously. On the other hand you have what comes natural which is to be in a loving nurturing relationship. It's walking a tightrope. This could cause you to grow older unnaturally. I also believe this could ruin future relationship patterns with other potential partners. It's like a big freaking test in love and life. I find people that like challenges 10 to be more drawn to these relationships. A mountain to climb if you will. Good luck I feel you.😅
Every Avoidant video I click on. The first comment is a deeply hurt person letting it all out in the comments 😂
By the time I heal and move on, if he ever comes back I won’t want to accept someone who treated me so badly.
There behavior is dangerous and could get them hurt or killed
These people are sick.
My ex came back...Surprise Surprise...Just when i had started dating again. Sadly, i caught him cheating 3 weeks later.
Run please and never look back These people don't change or you cannot fix them. I've learned the hard way wasting my life.❤️🩹
Same, god damn why do they keep cheating.
Okay but I want someone with the courage to embrace their deeper feelings. If they avoid their own feelings they'll always avoid mine and before you know it I'll avoid my own as well because they are the ones setting the ever-changing, unspoken rules of how much vulnerability is allowed. It's exhausting and painful and when I'm really honest and check in with my own needs i want way more love and care. No games because they're scared. It's no way to live.
Aren't we just being enablers when we adjust to what avoidants do, tend to their needs, no contact, etc
This is my story! The guy I'm dating learned in therapy that he is avoidant. We had an argument and he pushed me away. Then 4 months later he reached out and said he regretted how he pushed me away and wanted to try again.
And then?
Are male avoidents different from female avoidents?
Intellectually, I know my fearful avoidant spouse (together 9 years, married 6) loves me very much - tells me frequently every day, he nursed and cared for me for years when I became disabled & bedridden, has written me love poems - but barely gives me any time and I have zero expectation of affection nor any sort of emotional conversation because it won't happen. We were not exclusive until a couple months before we moved in together. There was a period of a month or so where he ghosted me, and I just sort of let it go because I have too much pride to chase after someone, but he came up with a plausible explanation that my overly-empathic self bought without seeing the red flags.
Emotionally, we live pretty separate lives. It can be pretty lonely, but I've become quite secure as I just focus on myself. Sometimes it's emotionally easier when he is not home, because it feels better to miss someone who isn't there than one who is. Emotionally, he comes and goes as he pleases but I've become quite detached in many respects. Sometimes I get a week or two of lovebombing a couple times a year, with affection and gifts or something. But that almost makes it worse because it used to give me hope for change, so I almost prefer to be detached.
If I hadn't been anxious attached and recovering from a marriage with a malignant narcissist when we met and he hadn't saved me, I doubt I would have chosen this for myself knowing what I know now. But my life is good enough and I'm detached (or dissociated) enough to where I am not interested in a different sort of romantic relationship enough to get divorced
4th comment. But I don’t care if likes me or not I’ve moved on.
Dealing with them is too much work! Takes a lot of energy…
I had to let go!!!!
Seriously, wtf is the message of this video? If you do all the work, and expect no effort from them at all, you will “succeed” in getting them back? How is being a doormat succeeding? Having personal needs is not a failure. Instead of jumping through hoops to make someone choose you, choose yourself. That is the only growth the Avoidant offers you.
Came to this video as someone who identifies as anxious and avoidant and the last segment was to a T how I feel in the early stages of dating. That is until I've already self-sabotaged and the other person has withdrawn their attention. Then I feel profound anxiousness and feelings of abandonment. I wish I could stop overthinking and find more courage early on to commit and just go with it. I've repeated this unhealthy pattern 4 times already and I always end up suffering deeply.
This sounds a lot like the actions of a narcissist 💯 they'll break it off and go do their thing while they stock often to a degree. When they come back they often tell you everything that they know that you want to hear (love bombing) . The whole time that they were learning you wasn't so that they would know how to love you but rather how to manipulate you . They often have several other's so that they can shuffle through their back ups rather than make a commitment. 💯 Narcissist 💯
Avoidants and narcissists are the same
The one thing I see isn’t moving on, it’s the growing up that’s the commonality. They need peace.
I have been in this ending too. The avoiding coming back after 1 month of non contact and him still testifying his love for me. But I think it's very important to only take this avoidant back IF they are willing to also put in the work. Show up for you. This is my issue. I always show up for him. He was showing up for me for less than 2 months then he went back to his old self. Was such a clear switch. So to me is like he's not willing to work on things. So I am committed to let him go for good now. It's been 2 weeks.
Thida showed him that she's prepared to work on things and improve. When she gave up, he clocked on to what was actually going on and what he's lost.
What makes me so sad is that the avoidant I'm involved with can take his independence to a low self worth place. I can't fight him to save him.
So you have to discard them in order to avoid being discarded. This is no way to live. And I think they get worse over time. The similarities with BPD is something someone shd explore.
Im curious as to why all points of view are those of women's?
This is spot on!!! Thank you, Chris,!!!
Thank you this was a really good explanation and makes so much sense.
I’m pretty sure this happens is because God doesn’t want you to be giving your power to another person. Legit treating someone like they are a god. Putting someone on a pedestal, if you’ve been on the reviewing end, it is repulsive.
It’s important for people to know/own what they actually desire whether it’s with this person or not!
Many avoidant individuals have experienced hurt or betrayal in past relationships. This can make them wary of getting too close to someone and lead them to suppress their feelings as a defensive mechanism.
"avoidant individuals have experienced hurt or betrayal in past relationships" - Oh bless... if you've had more than a handful of relationships you experienced being hurt, being let down, being let down, blown off maybe even "betrayed" (what a stupoid word to use) because that's life. What normal people don't do is use it as an excuse to crap all over other people who were totally unconnected to what happened to you.
….because they have childhood issues of not having their emotional needs met, and they didn’t learn the skills to deal with conflict, and they haven’t grieved their losses.
I think some people are associating bad behavior and a bad person with this avoidant term. I think I’m a fear avoidant and I decided to look into this because I’ve met my match that is a mirror but just a guy. We like each other a lot but once we do something big, we pull back and ignore each other. We feel most comfortable being ourselves at a distance and when close, we barely say anything but stare at each other’s eyes lol. I shut off randomly and so does he. That’s when I questioned what’s wrong with us? We’re both odd despite how we look. We act normal with everyone else but with each other, 😂 it’s this whole push pull thing that’s not one sided. I’ve grown and I see he’s more avoidant. We both know when we’re looking at each other through our peripheral vision and don’t care if the other person knows. He actively listens when I’m talking about myself to someone I don’t like romantically (he smiles at me behind the person or will wear something that specific to me like mirroring each other with nonverbal acknowledgement). Speaking directly, he only answers but never engages fluently. I get awkward and awkwardly end the conversation. We do this distant dance. That’s like our own language. It’s annoying yet interesting.
My avoidant wished me a good Thanksgiving. I debated about answering back but I did for the Holiday. A photo Happy Thanksgiving. He responded that his daughter (whom he said he was with) was smiling. No contact since then.
Been there, done with it.
I know my worth. ❤
Blissful no arguments suddenly called me to break up. It happened three in 16 months . He cried to get me back. I did twice but no more after 3rd break up.
. Sad but happy I'm done. ❤
After last night, I told myself I deserve better and I will. ❤
Here's the rub , yes focusing on yourself, becoming stronger and more independent, often are initially, appealing to the avoidant , however, that strength, independence soon will be perceived as a threat to the control they so desperately need to feel .
With avoidants, it will always return to....
Wash rinse n repeat
I really wish that it wasn’t so complicated to be around an avoidant they change like the weather and it’s so hard to feel sustainable.