I dated an avoidant for five months and in the 4th month I have completely switched from a secure person to anxious, it was horrible and it broke my heart.
Exactly same! I dated him for 2 months, and he literally fucked me up, like i went from a secure person to a person who spends all day in bed searching videos trynna make sense of what he did why he did it The worse part is we're in the same university so i have to see him everyday and he's dating someone else now. He fucked me up in 2 months! 2 months 😭😭
@@emamahzaman2507 You've projected onto the person and keep rejecting part of you (anima/animus) by consciously rejecting the parts you've projected onto that person, thinking you're rejecting the person itself. Have had something similar happen to me this year and realised that just about now. Seeing that person after understanding what I have said will help you go through the exposure therapy. You do not have to repair anyone besides yourself is something you could struggle with.
Disabled in a cryptic hidden way… & some of them do not believe in full disclosure…. & do not consider lying by omission unethical. In fact, some consider the obligation to disclose “abusive to them” when they are, in fact, abusing everyone around them with their withholding of information.
I,agree. I was with a narc for 7 years, divorced him. Then found myself an avoidant man. They are like mini narcissists. Very similar but worse in a way.
@maxitaxish You've never known a narcissistic. A DA can hurt someone but a narc does that and messes with the mind to such a degree their victim probably can't get in touch with themself again without therapy or decades to recover.
@@c.thompson9771 Yes, parents. Mine is so fucked in the head that our entire family dislikes her and even strangers would tell me how fucking weird she is. My grandfather, shortly before his passing, said he regretted raising her like this. And she's a narc both in colloquial (histrionic) and in clinical sense. I implore you to spend 5 minutes around her and tell me after she or her narcissism are imaginary.
@@Alex-mc5yn fear is the operative factor. Many 'coping' behaviors will result. Most, quite selfishly, keep it as a survival resource; inappropriately, into adulthood.
And guess what... zero care was given. Not because you aren't worthy. But because there was no emotional attachment, obviously that's the aim of a DA. The internal conflict within them is real. Wanting to be loved but terrified to be vulnerable again.
@@FractalCodex7People have to run away as soon as the pull away happens. It doesn't matter if the avoidant gives a fuck, we already know they cannot give any fuck about anything.
Avoidance is the result of very deep hurts from early childhood. We know we are damadged goods and try to spare the "healthy"/secure people from. Even a lot of therapy does not make this go away. So seeing comments telling that these people should go away and isolate themselves is really painful - this is literally what we are doing all the time. I was just checking the comments to feel less alone, but now I am crying instead.
I still wanna thank u for sharing ur story because im in the comments trying to understand avoidants. I love reading personal perspectives. May you heal from your wounds and find a caring and understanding partner ✨
I see you... All insecure Attachment styles are self defence/protection mechanism birth from inadequate/abusive parental relationship - usually the mother's are the main cause as they tend to be the primary caregiver. Avoidance are suffering all the same as everyone else. I'm disorganised attachment, I swing both ways and can empathize with both but mostly the isolation is the same on both sides.... Where do I belong, I am defective, I am not worthy, others are not safe, people will hurt me. Statements that torrment both. You can't shame someone into healing, stay humble. Acknowledging someone has been painfully irreversibly hurt and traumatised and then telling them how much they're allowed to bleed and where and comparing it against others is a very insensitive, judgmental,narrow sighted and lacks any sort of humanity😔
Anxious attached ppl projecting their own inability to remove themself from a situation they know is unhealthy for them on to avoidance instead of addressing their own lack of self esteem and unhealthy desire for external validation that keeps their claws dug in deeps which this level of emeshment and codependentcey causes more protection behaviours in avoidant people, but we don't hear people talking about how toxic that is and hating on them telling them to isolate till they find themselves blah blah blah.... It's a who came first, the chicken or egg. I wish everyone would stop blaming each other, we could spend our whole lives blaming others and never fix what was inside us, which literally is all we have control of. I'm a disorganised attachment. Apparently we are the worse to 😅😢 Chin up high, we got this warrior.
Love bombing (gifts), closeness, admiration, positive gaslighting (“we can do that anytime you want!” -while no planning w/minimal attempts for intimate time), bread crumbing intimacy, keeping arms length, expressing fear of issues they’ve created, gaslighting you into you thinking their your issues, to the stonewalling when you create conflict trying to expose the problems, then inevitable break up. Exhausting, confusing, unfortunate.
@@yuzan3607avoidants do lovebomb all the time just coz they are people pleasers to begin with, they are fake and try to be nice just to avoid conflict and don’t want others to think negative about them.
Some more advice. .. it's probably not a good idea to just go along with it. Since you weren't really looking for a relationship right now anyways... you actually get tricked into knowing that it is all wrong now you take offense take things personally etc etc
Why is it that they lead you on only to replace you with someone else or they were married for 12+ years but they couldn't commit to me for 5 seconds? I don't get it!
@@amberv4223 And then you have to hear about how horrible their ex wife was but pretty soon you realise if they'd treated their wife half as badly as they did. to you, NO WONDER SHE LEFT YOU!!! But by that stage it's too late and you've mistaken all the confusion and the emotional roller coaster for "love." It still hurts when he told me he really cared about me. He seemed so genuine but he's so full of shit. Says he cares but actions are the opposite. I'm the idiot here. Never again.
unless they become a more healed version of themselves keep avoiding them , because you are not allowing them to heal if they keep engaging in avoidant behaviours with you.
1. Preemptive Breakup Planning 🤯 (Casual, Nothing Serious, Emotional Distance, Hint at Future Disconnection: "I'm not good at Relationships", Test & Sabotage, Past Failures) 2. Microgifting (minimize to protect from rejection) 3. Love Language (May be Quality Time and Touch) 4. Intellectual Sparring 5. Emotional Distance 🤯 (to test, protect,and connect)
Avoidants are like this because of childhood trauma. I understand it’s painful but to push a narrative that they are some cyborg villains is unfair and unproductive. This man is explaining things so people have a chance at empathy. I wish the best for anyone reading this. No matter what side you’re on! I love you and healing is possible 🫶✌️
Avoidants if they’re intelligent or wise should know better than to date anyone if they’re this insecure. Therapy is what they should be seeking and building their self confidence, not seeking romance only to end up ruining connections, creating damage and ruining their own reputation.
I wasted four years of my life trying to build something solid with an avoidant woman. Absolutely nothing came out of the situation except for that I learned some real hard lessons. As long as I live, I will never let any other avoidant type enter my life again. These people live in the darkness and they can dim the light of a healthy person easily. Not worth it.
Well put. I heard in another video the idea of how these relationships create a "withering of the spirit." This is how my marriage made me feel. And yet, he blamed me for making him feel the same, even though I was essentially a servant to him who walked on eggshells to not upset him. After the divorce, he can go back to the shadows, and I hope he leaves other women alone instead of finding another person to abuse.
@@shoneycreation3313 "Withering of the spirit" is so spot on. They drag you into their darkness if you're not strong in Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, demons are drawn to the light in others because they know they'll never get there. That makes them even angrier at and with you. I pray for all the avoidants out there who are riddled with sin and tormented by demons.
Dating a dismissive avoidant is a crash course masterclass on red flags and for the length of the relationship (which I advise only in months not years) with all the weirdness and confusing and derailing things you will experience, you can come away learning how to date properly and avoid people who are not able to love, or be close or enjoy connection
Literally told a dismissive guy last week “am I an ffing yo-yo to you? Goodbye.” They’ll make even secure people go into anxious preoccupied mode. They’re damaged goods.
I honestly don’t think Every DA is history.. They need to know you love them.. if you do.. not going to Hurt them… Actually if you are prayer warrior.. pray for them…if you can’t handle it .. N enjoy talking .. be a friend that has his/her back.. Nothing worse than Someone in your world n you basically Expose or make fun Of them… No human wants that no matter what you are labeled..❤
@@ForeverTogether219 I get what you are saying but some people don’t deserve the kindness. Most dynamics are not great with an avoidant (generalisation I know) So when it ends the last thing I want to do is be ‘friends’ with this person that caused so much confusion and pain in a way. Truth is the avoidant style CAN really hurt people. I’m not gonna remain friendly with someone who doesn’t deserve my friendship I can wish them the best and hope they find happiness soon, but I’m not gonna be apart of that situation anymore. And I’m not gonna feel any guilt about it in the slightest
Or even extreme DA who leans FA; loves physical touch because he’s a sex addict; also alcoholic. Hidden addictions of course until I find stuff. So many betrayals. After caught; he was willing to share his resources ; and spend some quality time together and acts of service ( lots of never ending projects ) to avoid intimacy. Left me alone with the repair need for emotional support of all the betrayals. I stayed in therapy for years. He only goes when I’m close to leaving. I think he senses the disconnect but doesn’t really address it or do anything about it. Avoids everything.
Just a reminder, someone not wanting a relationship & being clear about it isn’t “emotional unavailability” in the toxic sense. When someone says they don’t want a label or a relationship, believe them. It’s on you, after that. If you try to manipulate someone with your love & affection to win them over, you’re the bad guy & the selfish one.
Too funny and true, I was asked out and while having a great time the Dude said “just so you know- we are just friends “. Without a tear in my eye I said Thank you, cause my stomach rolled when I thought about kissing you. I smiled laughed and said whoosh… we dodged that. I had to tell him to close his mouth cause his jaw dropped.
Spare yourself the confusion, it’s their problem not yours they should fix themselves. Don’t spend your life trying to translate them they will keep hurting you and you will keep being confused and starting to blaming yourself. You deserve the love you say and show and give back you deserve someone that can love you without you being confused
Oh god! When he was breaking up with me over texts I told him repeatedly ‘you’re hurting me’ he didn’t even budge or apologise. That was when I woke up to a rude reality.
I got sucked into their tornado and quickly spit out. I was left wondering what in the heck had happened?!?!? Literally the most dizzying experience I have ever experienced. Looking back, the red flags were ALL there, but I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. Big mistake. Believe these people the first time. Not worth a second of your time. You won’t fix them.
Thank you for this video, is interesting how DAs behave and even speak with same words. I didn't take it personally because I learned that DAs behaviour is rooted in their childhood, not all DAs are aware of how their actions affect others, is very important to become secure and not personalise their dismissive approach, not all DAs are toxic and I noticed they usually are very inteligent and easily overwhelmed with emotions, this is why they prefer to keep things light and fun. It would be more interesting to see a video about how is best to respond to such behaviour, it will help a lot. Thank you!
As far as I know you can't really win or it's up to luck. It's either push and pull relationship where you stay somewhat "together" while both of you suffer or you ignore your own needs to keep the DA comfortable or you become a secure person who has a healthy lack of patience for the DA and end it early.
@flowerchasethesunshine9063 This is exactly what it's like being the child of a DA parent. The other parent bends over backwards to keep the DA content and the child just gets to be the DA's punching bag Sick of it. Ridiculous how I have to treat my parent's feelings like a three year old without ever getting an apology.
These people are like children. They see a new toy, demand to have it, throw their old toy away and then cry because they lost the old toy and the new one isn’t as fun as it looked. Spoiled babies. Stay away. Find an actual adult to date.
That's exactly how I felt when my FA ex ghosted me. After love bombing me and giving me some mild reassurance every time I would discuss his pulling away. It's like he got resentful of me for completely unclear and arbitrary reasons and only wanted me on his terms, which were completely impossible to understand because he wouldn't communicate and when I asked if he wanted to break up he would say no. These people are exhausting and so not worth it. This man was 37 years old.
💯 this is my experience. I think DA is a nice way of saying covert Narcissist. You can’t win with either..both equally damaging and traumatic. It’s like having relational autism. It really is a disability but don’t feel bad for these people. They love that and to play victim
Nah. Bunch of slander and ignorance on display. And projection. Avoidants vet. When problems emerge, its because we ferret out inconsistencies in your armor and persona. If you don't want to keep it real, move along. We know the world is full of fakers, that's why you end up on read.
@@brennam954same here. He just turned 51. Ghosted me right after his birthday and before mine a month later. He sent a text two weeks out saying I Love You! I’m like ok then why did you do this? Ghosting again. Two weeks later I I Miss You! Stupidly I responded. Only to be ghosted still. Sadly when we were great friends he never acted like this. Only after we expressed feelings further than friends did the childish in/out, on/off, hot/cold & ghosting get involved. I hate ghosting. It’s childish and weak. Because they’re incapable of having an honest adult conversation. Which he promised he’d do always at the start. Now he wonders why I don’t trust him. Gee you said you’d have the hard conversations always and you’ve ghosted me but sent text’s saying I Love You! I I Miss You! But still don’t want you. WHAT THE HECK? It’s enough to boggle the strongest of people.
Maybe this is why I was with a guy who did all the girlfriend/boyfriend things but then backpedaled and out of nowhere started sending repeated "I only ever thought of you as a friend" texts. It did my head in. I found it so immature and confusing. This was also before anything ever took off. He wanted Saturday dates but insisted on calling them "Our little catchup." I started to think he was married or hiding something. I set him free 6 months ago and haven't heard from him since. And yes, I'm still heartbroken. I've been asked out a few times since then, but this has rocked my confidence so much, I always politely decline while thinking "Why? You're only going to mess with my head and then discard me." And I was never like this before.
Same. I dated someone who would hold my hand a lot and even kiss me, and then he suddenly said we were never dating and just friends. It messed me up. Being an avoidant would explain a lot. He was so sweet and kind otherwise, but just wasn't ready for a relationship.
@@Adelicows Omg!!! Yeah that’s a really horrible thing to do and definitely not fair. It’s like they can’t admit their own feelings or be honest with themselves. I know I’m a damage case but I’d never intentionally lead a guy on.
Get out now! Mine was almost 8 years..this man went from telling me he loved me every day till practically ghosting me and my family. 2 years out I'm now ashamed to say I practically had to beg and chase him for closure. Looking back at our relationship my mental health was horrendous he was incapable of opening up about his feelings and couldn't handle mine when I tried to express them. It was like constantly walking on eggshells. I was heartbroken for a long time but I now realise he will be the same with someone else unless he gets help.
@@geemac3569 Sounds like a narc rather than avoidant. Narcs pretend to be avoidant by their elusive behavior thing, because they're scared you'll see who they really are if they get too close. Narcs also dismiss people but ti's because they think they're better than everyone else (DA dismiss exaggeration and perceived manipulation). The diffs can be pretty subtle at surface level until you know, it's easy to confuse at the start. And boy when one knows, one knows for sure, and will never confuse it again, also because the traits are fundamentally opposite.
@derek in the sense of intense anxiety? Prolly DA. If it's cognitive dissonance and feelings guilty and wrong about everything and doubting your own gut, it's a narc.
This is crazy accurate. I’ve been watching videos on avoidants after ending a 6 month situationship a couple nights ago, but this video specifically is hitting all the boxes. You even used his name 😂 Mike. The intellectual sparring is a huge thing he tried to engage in, but, if I’m honest, I was either his equal or a bit smarter in some aspects. I could be wrong, I know I just see things from my own perspective and subjective reality. But he tired me. He is very self aware, and he knew he was causing the problems, but it was a unique situation for various reasons I won’t explain in this comment. He exhibited classic avoidant behavior, and I didn’t realize that’s what it was until after. I exhibited a lot of anxious attachment behaviors, but not as intensely as others or as I did in the past. Now, I’d say my attachment style is more on the secure side, thankfully, but because of the unique circumstances, I reverted back to some old habits. I also never had felt that sort of spark before, which tells me I still have a lot of growing to do because as I age, life and relationships get more complicated and I have to learn how to navigate them and how to be open to always learning and growing.
Wow, you sound like an extremely self-aware person. I felt like I could have written this just by how you scrutinize your own behavior. That is such a gift. I hope you're taking it easy on yourself. I dealt with an avoidant who flipped my life inside out, and it's hard not to condemn myself for allowing it to happen with a front-row seat. Just playing the fool and down-playing my own intelligence. Indeed, let's continue to grow wiser from these experiences. God bless you.
This is the first video I’ve seen from you that finally humanizes avoidants and doesnt run them into the ground and demonize them. Also thank you for showing me that I do some of these actions. I didnt realize i was
This is the same for anxious attachment difference is ppl with that attachment style are usually clingy & over emotional or extra vulnerable. And instead of pulling back, they go foward to their partners. At the end of the day both suffer from fear of abandonment & rejection they just show it in different ways.
The biggest thing I’ve learned of going no contact with this person is that you can’t help anybody that doesn’t want to help themselves. I cannot fix him and I cannot bring myself down with him trying to fix that void from his childhood traumas. I know he’s not purposely trying to hurt me but in some sense still always knowingly self sabotages and sabotages what we had due to his fears about the future of us and how he would “hurt me”. It’s always a back and forth with him and I am truly exhausted. One moment he wants no one else in this world but me and the next minute he wants nothing at all because of the self-loathing thoughts that fill his mind. Dismissive avoidants are so afraid of vulnerability and letting themselves love freely and accepting the love they are so convinced they don’t deserve. He has so much self work to do and I do as well for always trying to be the hero and becoming codependent. The more you chase the more they run away. So I’m choosing my peace as much as I love him and know we make so much sense together.
Knowing oneself and own boundaries, and how to keep them in place is key. Forces them to either fix themselves or find other things to do than relationship with you.
We are literally in the same exact boat. I love him SO MUCH but he couldn't stop being defensive anytime he had to take accountability, he only gave me the treatment I wanted when I was ready to walk away (flowers and sweet notes after I try ending things), and he kept self sabotaging by looking at other girls on social media while he was w me. In the end he ended up breaking up with me. Weird thing is he was able to acknowledge his mistakes and go to therapy bc he knows he's running away from himself and he knows how much he hurt me. It wasn't our job to play bob the builder and fix them up lol we learned the hard way. At least we can heal now and learn who we really are :) happy healing I hope you take all the love you were giving him, and give it to yourself ❤
I think, if you can communicate your feelings with an avoidant person, and they are actively trying to better themselves you can have a good relationship. You just can't push too hard. They are people too, they just have bad pasts that they can work through.
My former avoidant was very generous with nice gifts, making me think he was generous and I was special, except he was very inconsistent, communicating and did not engage in intellectual conversations and guarded .
Exactly like mine! Even before we started anything, he was so grnerous to me, always financially protective. But barely any warmth or communication. It's so draining, i feel so alone... and he avoids all deep talk.
sounds like a narcissist not an avoidant. As an avoidant myself I'm honestly offended that many ppl seem to mix us with narcissists. We're literally the opposite of a narcissist. Deep down we're just trying to protect ourselves because we've been hurt (usually by narcissists--so it's ironic when people are mixing us up!!) we never intend to use and manipulate people.
@@yuzan3607 exactly please anyone explain me about my attachment.. My fear of getting hurt triggered at age 12 by my close friend.. So I avoid her, take step back, put her and all my friends in arms length, inconsistent, disconnected from them, Loneliness .. I was Highly avoidant in friendship but when I date a long distance boy he is also an emotionally UN available avoidant.. But that time I'm better from my old self, but with him I became anxious suffering from anxiety becoz of fear of abandonment.. Sorry for my English
My DA ex would say 3 things: I am a very independent woman, I can't believe we are still together, and I am not looking for a long term relationship. We were together for 11 months. Her love languages were quality time and acts of service.
Yep heard all that. Most Avoidants will sadly never heal because most people in general do not want to do serious inner healing work. I'm one of those wierdos who loves to do the work. There's absolutely no way I could've attained the level of gnosis about self and reality without it. People are broken and remain that way because human society itself is broken... and that is by design.
Skip my comment if you don't want a rant, or scroll down if you want advice as an avoidant or someone who is missing something I'm an avoidant (growing away from it since I see more value in vulnerability and emotional honesty) because I was never allowed to show any vulnerability growing up. My dad would always punish or scold my brother and I for it, claiming it to be a weakness or us being either stupid or failures in his eyes. I had to hide everything from him. I remember when I was younger, I got bullied pretty badly at school and my home life wasn't helping anything. Not knowing what else to do, I told my dad that I felt helpless and depressed about it all, and he dismissed it as attention-seeking and pathetic. From then on, I just avoided him and others based on principle. Fast forward to now, dad is dead (fuck him, good riddance), and my family is a lot closer and more chill now. Seems like he was a burden to more than just me. Here's the advice portion: my dad was basically a favoritist and didn't much care for me as much as my brother. He never taught me anything, nor did he ever try to bond with me. For the last few years, I had been waiting for someone to come and teach me what my dad never did and it has proven mostly fruitless. Hard pill to swallow, but nobody was ever coming for me or to pick up the slack my dad left behind (and understandably so), so I had to become my own dad and not only teach myself new skills, but also treat myself the way an ideal father would have. In summation: fill in your own gaps because nobody else will do it for you.
Same as me, but in my case with my mom and I am a woman. I just realized everything after having my own kids… that what I always wanted in my life was to have a mom… I searched on teachers, mother in law, etc… but they didn’t care because I am not their family. Mother in law was the worst because I thought she COULD be my family as we share a bond with kids… but she acted aloof and didn’t care about us either. And here I am still trying to be ok with the fact that my inner child was always an orphan and will always be.
I am so sorry for your loss. Loss of a beautiful childhood. Loss of what could have been. Loss of other relationships to people that cared. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and open. I'm so proud of you fo what you are doing for yourself and the people around you by healing. Reparentung yourself is not easy. Much love 💗💗
It’s extremely hurtful. I never knew I could hurt like this. She’s been gone longer than I had her and I still think about her every single day. It’s a game I wish I’d never played.
Get to the core of your own attachment style and work to heal the traumas that got you there. Once you begin to heal, you will stop romanticizing your relationship with the DA.
14:50 as an avoidant myself if I find myself getting into a relationship then I let the other person know that I'm an avoidant early on (2nd date). I also temper their expectations of intimacy from me and let them know that I can provide some types of intimacy but not others. All relationships are built on trust and communication. You know your warning labels, so make them clear as to what the other person has the opportunity to mutually consent to. Practice Radical Honesty! Clearly communicate your intentions!
Everything is correct. Was with a DA for 3 years and he cheated on me before discarded me. He did asked about my love language in the beginning of the dating stage. He told me that his love language was quality time and physical touch. We were in long distance relationship and we see each other once a month. We talk on the phone everyday or i should say i talked on the phone and he listened. Everytime we see each other, we will go outdoor or stay at home where we sit in the living room reading book or watching a movie. He hardly shares his feelings. The gifts are very accurate. He never says he bought this or that for me. It was always "Do you want this". I will always say yes because somehow i know they are specifically for me. We could maintain so long because somehow i knew he likes his space although i never knew he was a DA until i found out he cheated on me. I don't think i can forgive him. He really damage my soul. I am now emotionally and mentally damage, on medication and seeing therapy because of his selfish deed. People like him doesn't deserve love.
I understand you. There is another perspective. You need better. You need more. Forgive yourself the error of being your wonderful self on a dead beat. And direct this light generously in your direction. You'll feel good, as you should. Focus on me-time. Focus on gratitude. Surrender your pain up 👆🌺💖🎋 And watch that dark veil lift as you walk into the plenitude of your own Life. Be happy first with yourself. Take care. ❤
This is word for word what happened to me. Everything you just typed out; I experienced as well. But you forgot one last sentence: People like you are deserving of love. I hope you don’t forget that.
My avoidant partner did everything you described here, from preemptive break up planning to debates to spark arguments. From the very beginning before we even started dating, he made it clear he only wanted casual...and yet would indicate he wanted to start a family. This had left me mixed signals, but I wanted to start a family too, so i figured I'd stick around and suffer through the "casual" part. I remember one day he brought up an article about astrology, something he knew I was interested in. This article was talking about the "new constellation", whatever it's called, and this allegedly messes up the entire system of astrology. He was testing me to see how I'd react and I didn't react well. I got insulted and he of course thought I was crazy. I never understood why he did this because it was very out of the blue and it was obvious I'd get upset. We'd have multiple arguments about religion and metaphysical subjects but even after making concessions, and agreeing to disagree, he maintains that I'm "plenty crazy" and has an air that he's the most rational between us, therefore superior. It's been three years since then and while he's still in the belief that I'm crazy, at least I'm not Christian and we both agree that the Norse held good practices and morals. It's something, but I still don't feel safe about being openly pagan around him, lest he make fun of me. Ever since he's started trusting me more, he finally started saying he loves me and has accepted the idea we're a romantic couple. He no longer asserts that we're just friends and he'll even express jealousy (healthy jealousy) if i ever talk about other men in a positive way. It's amazing to me how he'll do some romantic gestures and uphold what he thinks a man should do in a relationship, yet had one sidedly believed we were just friends this whole time. It's pretty obvious his defenses were up and he tried sabotaging at every turn, but his inner desires for a relationship were there in his actions and fine print. That's why I've stayed, because I could see he's as sensitive and yearning for love as I am. Idk what this ultimately means but it entirely depends on whether or not he wants to work on this issue. He'll either A) dismiss me because I'm bringing up psychology and he hates it whenever I bring up anything remorely relating to therapy, or B) because he does love and care about me and his life goals enough, he will look to change himself. I believe because he's changed so much in 4 years, that he might actually go forward with getting help. But it's ok if he doesn't because I can easily leave. I just feel bad for him if he wants to choose suffering.
It's very interesting for me that you say you can easily leave after 4 years. Why would you do this at this point? And aren't you attached? Just curious
I have just walked away from someone who was exactly described as in this video. I need time to heal myself now. That's really mental issue that nornal people can't cope with.
This was eye-opening. It’s almost eerie how I have experienced several. It feels comforting to know nonetheless that the avoidants I dated did care a lot more than they let on.
To all women out there, you have the choice and power to walk away from these types of people. Most of the time they won't change until they're in therapy.
This isn’t a guy thing plenty of women are this way. It’s what happens when basic feelings are shamed, as a child. And yes people should walk away but that goes for anyone playing games. It’s crazy that girl continued on that date let alone ever saw him again. I’ve done what he did as in create distance and planning the end before the beginning but I can’t imagine if I’d actually TOLD the person that that’s stuck around. THAT is crazy.
@@nadiaoak5123Actually kind of what my ex did it was an LDR I was just there to visit her and came back to my country and Monday and then Saturday she was begging me to go there so I risked everything from my life uni and work and other things to go there she introduced me to her mum and brother and then 2 days after that she kinda kicked me out and then ignored me for days before breaking up she told ke she didn’t want to and she told my friend she didn’t feel butterflies
I’m a woman and my father is like this to my mom, you’re right they won’t change without therapy. I also know that my aunt (dad’s side) is like that to her husband. So anyways I think you should edit your comment, it’s to “everyone”. Not only to women
I gotta say, Chris: I really admire your courage in talking about your experiences with this. Its not easy to do this level of self reflection, let alone to do it publically! I find it Facinating to learn sbout this from your perspective. You communicate it terrifically as well. My DA ex gf really did a number on me, and your vids are helping me understand the fallout, and therefore helping me heal. Cheers, man! Thanks!
Really well made video. I loved all the cool art in it as well. I'm currently dealing with a man that I think is a dismissive avoidant, as he is currently avoiding me. I've heard from him just a few times in the past two months, after a month of him pulling away before getting "busy with life". Just before this odd behaviour, we, for the first time in two years, finally said I love you to each other. Sigh. He vanished for four month last winter and it broke my heart. Since I'm stronger now, i want to find ways to approach him and fix things between us. When i stop taking things personally, I realize that he must be conflicted and fearful. I don't want to give up on him though, as he's unlike anyone I've known before. I just gotta level up my skills.
This helped me understand my friend much better. We spar intellectually often, but I can be mindful to respect his need for independence. I’ve decided to do my own thing until he’s ready to connect again, however this was quite elucidating. I loved this so much! ❤
We both loved our space and independence so in that area there were no problems. I realized he had never made a personal relationship with a woman a priority in his life, even in his marriage and he was 68. He used a lot of avoidance strategies throughout his life unknowingly … work, hobbies, friends, etc to avoid emotional intimacy. I also discovered he had become an alcoholic upon retiring 12 years prior. Alcoholics cannot love and they lie a lot and also cheat. He lived a life of denial but a very unhappy one. I am sure with therapy he could have overcome a lot.
As an empath I really do see my avoidant and his fears when I step back and observe instead of reacting emotionally. Things are slowly improving and it is beautiful when we are together, I’m very kinesthetic and love to spend time just touching him, giving massages etc. and he seems very happy and calm. It feels very much like we are both healing some interesting traumas because he was always pushed away when he would seek physical touch in his previous relationship and I can’t get enough touch because I was very much alone and not held much as a child as far back as I can remember. Thank you for posting this, it’s very eye opening.
Thanks for your comment. It’s good to hear a positive experience. I’m recognizing my love interest is DA and am still hopeful for a mutually satisfying relationship. He is a wonderful guy.
Thank you!! I totally get it. As a healing anxious attached person..I know and understand why. We have been through so much and I want us to make a foundation and stop building walls. The stigma on both styles need to stop. We couldn't control the trauma, but if two people want to work through things. Anything is possible. Thank you for helping me understand better
Something I learned is to maintain communication. She never did and I was hurt for months. Recently reconnected miraculously. First thing I asked was “Can we improve communication?” She agreed.
Avoidants? More appropriate label would be manipulative cowards, control freaks, or betas. Tired of all the socially correct and friendly terms for people who really need to stay out of the dating world until they get counseling, therapy, gain a sense of self esteem and courage. My ex fit the description of everything you mentioned here. I So you mean to tell me that the SOB liked me and he thought this was how he should treat me?? No matter the reason why he did it. The very fact that he chose to give himself the advantage of supposedly protecting himself in a way that was hurtful to me is even more reason to be upset with him. I would never take him back. The way he behaved was absolutely scarring and left me with nothing but terrible memories. These types of behaviors ALMOST always guarantee a FAIL as they’re off putting, cold, and pushes people away, doesn’t indicate that the other person likes them and energetically repels love with anyone who has good self esteem , standards, and good common sense. No offense to you or anyone. Just saying. If you are an avoidant, don’t date. Stay to yourself and work on becoming a healthy version of yourself before you interact romantically with others. There is no excuse for behaving in such a destructive manner. It’s purely selfish.
My ex convinced me to move to Ohio as I was moving back from the army. She was the one who said she loved me first. I raised her kids from 4 and 6. After her youngest graduated she broke up with me. I gave her what she lacked we were a team. She has had toxic relationships before me and I’m sure was just used to being treated badly
My gut reaction to this is y'all are sick. And the biggest problem I have with this is, if you know you don't want to be " boxed in" and lose your independence, why start a relationship at all! Knowing full well, you can't have a relationship of any value! Now, I will say kudos to you for getting help. However, all I can think of is all of the discards and hurt people like you cause (ed). Again, good on you. Going into my crazy relationship, I am a secure attachment style. No issues, not needy, like my alone time. And yet, the ups and downs, backs and forth is just abusive. So many broken people. I wish more would get the help they need. Invest into yourself. So maybe one day they can have a relationship.
@Chris_fan_acc I have everything I want. That relationship is in the past. I've learned the lesson and moved past it. It was a love lesson I needed to learn. And I am now after the fact aware of this attachment style, and will never entertain it again.
The work to get better is difficult and ambiguous. I just feel glad I had some healthy models along the way, & now I "know" what the problem is. I don't have too many of these weird doors anymore.
I met an avoidant and turned out that I learnt that I'm one too, so when he pulls back I think "uh I can finally breathe again now" and I even get scared of him reaching out, because he pulls back knowing I won't chase then eventually he comes around, I think he does this so "I won't forget him", it's funny because this way I keep thinking we're not going anywhere avoiding each other, but at the same time I think it would be fun to let him in but I don't trust him to try to open the door for him and I don't even know how or where to start to search for the damn key to open that door🤣
Interesting to read. But in my experience this is related to sexism as well - men always think there's a long line of women begging to be with them so they don't wanna be attached to only one. They eventually realize the line is not that long - if even existent - and come back to that always available woman. It could be you, it could be a not avoidant at all woman.
@@deysezarichtaI think you're talking about just a run of the mill asshole, rather than an avoidant. Avoidant attachment styles aren't chronic cheaters, and they aren't all men. They're just people who have learnt not to be emotionally vulnerable, as a defence mechanism.
When they distance themselves take the chance and run, save yourself pain and misery. Your emotional security and comfort is important either. These people are broken and harmful. If they hide their emotions so much how are you supposed to know what they want and who's giving you security in relationship that they stick around, obviously they make sure they have an exit but want you to stick around through pain, that paints the picture of the kind of relationship they want, on their terms, you're just a little pawn in their game. Sod them.
Started facing my avoidance issues and this started popping up in my YT feed. Thanks for talking about it! And yes, it’s quite hard to live with patterns we didn’t choose and understand it is hurting others. Aaaaand trying to understand how to overcome this is also hard.
Chris your videos just get better and better every time and yet they are all just as equally significant. You are heaven sent in shining the light on these dark souls. Thank you for setting the truth free for all of us lost souls. You are essential! I always look forward to your next episode 🙏
"Time to embarrass myself." LOL. Thank you for your honesty and showing your vulnerability! It would've been interesting to know HOW it developed inside of you (your childhood). I know about it since I've studied Psychology and my ex is dismissive-avoidant, too, but maybe other people would like to hear it in a video to gain more understanding and compassion for the root cause and how painful it was as a child since the avoidance later is just a coping mechanism for childhood wounds.
100% my current partner. I have anxious attachment. We are both in therapy and working with each other as a team to learn how to best love one another. Thank you for this video.
All of this is very spot on with the guy I'm seeing. Ive heard many of these things and i understand the whys behind it. How do you/they get past these avoidant behaviors?? That's the million dollar question. What are tools that can be suggested to the DA? This was a great video and you dis an excellent job of explaining what it looks like amd what it means.
I once dated a guy that I wanted to be in a serious relationship with but he immediately out up the " friend " wall right away, only talked about himself on every date, etc. I saw the flags after he started avoiding me more and more so I ended things between us. I didn't want a relationship of "what if" for the rest of my life so I moved on.
Im a fearful avoidant woman that swings more dismissive. I ended up having an intense friendship with a guy I liked that was probably also fearful avoidant. The things youve named, we’ve both done to each other. Our mutual friends saw our constant avoidant sparring and pointed out the sexual and romantic tension we didn’t know we exuded. We ended up sleeping together and he revealed so much to me in that moment of vulnerability about how he’s always liked me. But then later he pretended ah nah it was a joke. Lucky for me I didn’t get vulnerable like him that night so I laughed it off as “good cause I would never like you like that” we both acted so casually about it that I think it ended our friendship as we both covered feelings for too long. And it’s crazy cause no relationship manifested cause we never chased directly. It’s actually quite miserable… we always self sabotage.
So, I’m in a love with an avoidant who I left over a year ago. My attraction to him was unconscious and immediate. I suspect that even though I’m anxiously attached, I am somewhat avoidant myself. It felt very safe and good for me to love my avoidant partner since I knew that he didn’t expect anything from me or ask for anything either.
The only gift the avoidant I dated ever gave me (in 1 year of dating) was a Picasso painting (not the real thing, a knock-off, of course). When he gave it to me, he stated, "This will do for Christmas AND your birthday." I'm not a materialistic person, but this hurts your feelings! The only other thing he ever "considered" giving me was when he said this, "I was going to get you some flowers...but you probably wouldn't want that..." I was so stunned, I said nothing! What woman doesn't love getting flowers??? And what was I supposed reply --, "Yes, I'd love some"? Then, if he did give them, you'd feel as if you had to beg for them, so what was it worth? All this while saying he was crazy about me and falling in love with me, mind you!! If I ever started to hug him, his entire body would stiffen and he'd back away a little. It was so BIZARRE, I knew something was wrong with him, but didn't know what!!! Who refuses affection from someone they say they are in love with? Doesn't make a bit of sense and it makes you feel horrible! No hand-holding, no casual kiss on the cheek, NO HUGS. MARK AND AVOID, PEOPLE!!! These folks are seriously messed up! NEVER, EVER AGAIN!
I wrote this just for the purpose of warning other people. If the person is genuinely an avoidant, you will suffer tremendously, worse than you can even imagine!!! It kills your spirit to be treated by someone you love that way and that claims to love you. Truly, a soul-crushing experience!! I just adored him!
@@wizardofaus2985 Lol!! Well, I doubt it because I'm an old woman now and I dated this guy way back when I was a young thing. I'm very sorry for what you've been through, God bless you.
@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 my husband thinks it's creepy if I hug him. He always insists on walking ahead, there is no affection in the marriage- infsct he moved out for the second time nearly a year and a half ago. He blames me for everything and says I'm the reason no one can be close to me... yet his behaviour is so odd. It honestly makes you feel as if you are the odd one.
@@wizardofaus2985 Don't let him gaslight you like that, please!!! He is most definitely "the odd one" and has a big problem!! And, yes, mine did that "walking ahead of me" thing like that, too. He had strange ways -- as I said, I KNEW something was wrong with him, just couldn't identify what it was, some kind of psychological issue. I also KNEW he did love me, there wasn't a question in my mind. But the guy had big problems!!
Did anyone else experience being provoked by avoidat? When other people say "nah that wasnt provoking" but u feel like it was totally a provocation?? Or at least an attempt from avoidant to trigger you somehow or put you down in subtle way which looks totally innocent in fron of everyone but you sense they are kinda "energetically slapping you" ?
This guy at work was often talking in front of me or to me about other women, like they are sympathetic, can cook very well, are quick in doing errands, are hardworking, are good with animals, have nice ass, just to make me feel insecure and not good enough as a woman. I didn't know it back then but I know now, knowing him better. And I know it sounds crazy but that's how these types operate,. In my opinion I treated him well all the time, he just or felt in some way rejected or not been getting enough attention or was just deliberately mean and just tried every way to put me down. Maybe I was just happy and self confident and it gave on his nerves. There were other ways more obvious like screaming at me and talking bad about me behind my back and to the boss etc.
Wow, so instructive and SO SO SO SO SO hurtful. Poor Cassie!! Unknowing and unreformed DAs are the worst people in the world. Sorry DA guys / gals, but you are. 😆 An interesting avoidant variation is one who manages to get married (not sure how), but then uses that impenetrable shield to start "innocent" emotional affairs with other women they would run from if they were still single. "We're just chatting, it's nothing special," they tell themselves delusionally. How do I know? I just extricated myself from the start of such a situation.
Yes! My FA is married. Says she’s been gone 4 years they’re in a standoff over who will file. We were old friends in HS so we started talking again. Then developed feelings. But I told him I’m not getting serious with a married man. He says he’ll take care of it as he’s deeply in love. But then he doesn’t. He uses this marriage to hide in so he can have girlfriend experiences but not get serious. I now know likely why she left. But the whole thing is odd. He said they were just friends and she needed financial help so they got married to help her. He didn’t love her so much as it was an arrangement he says. But when she left and no longer needed his help as arranged he got hurt supposedly? Soul ties. He said they lived as man and wife and benefits etc. so yeah gee I wonder why you’d develop feelings about your wife? It’s all bizarre. He says he’s in love with me but can’t be with me. That’s too much. Too intense. He would rather marry another woman to help her again he tells me. Ouch. Like this doesn’t hurt my feelings? I wonder if they have any empathy at all?
Ok, so it turns out you find yourself in this quagmire. The keeping things casual right from go (happy to have a situationship but not a relationship), the micro-gifting, and the suddenly massively increased emotional distance. Besides everyone else's overwhelming advice here to run the other way, what's a constructive way to bring it up? Is there a way to say "Hey, i see you. I get what you're doing. Do you actually want out or are you just not able to show me / too scared to admit you want in?" - Obviously you wouldn't say it that way, but essentially as someone in their orbit, romantically or with romantic hopes, that's what you want to know. Are you out or are you trying to be in but struggling to get there? Any pointers for having that conversation?
I dated a dude once with the whole “we are friends” and I would just mirror that and eventually he broke down and confessed he wanted more but then I left
Can you do a video on 2 avoidants dating? I've been in a situationship for 3 years now and it feels safe, we both reject each other whenever dating comes up or we feel too close but could never see my life without him and neither does he. It's confusing, our push keeps bringing us closer which pushes us away more which brings us even closer, never-ending cycle.
My avoidant ex will always have a place in my heart. I’m not mad. He hurt me so badly I was absolutely crushed. But he has his own pain and I can’t be mad when someone can only do their best which is filled with unresolved pain. I avoid anger just understand we’re all just human beings and it’s tough being human sometimes.
I feel so horrible for the way I act towards him. Almost everything in this video is what I do. I’m not trying to hurt anyone it’s just this destructive cycle that happens. We’re not all narcissists just confused. Please don’t run away from us.😢
I'm sorry. While I understand the issues that you have to deal with, you have to understand how painful it is for us to love someone who can't truly love back. I hope you heal from your wounds. I hope you can find true happiness. Please stop allowing fear to run your life. ❤
How much time should someone spend feeling rejected not good enough and not special ? while trying to do the opposite for that person - trying hard to make them see you care they are special and accepted. It’s not exactly fair and no certainty that it will ever change. I understand the hurt that they must’ve endured but doesn’t mean others need to now feel that pain. Patterns must become obvious at some point for these people and address it otherwise it is intentional.
Same, the cycle is killing me. I don't know if i would act the same way in the future if someone treated me nice again. I never want to be an avoidant. I just want to be normal and not hurt any of my friends which i don't have now. First i thought i was an immature, then a narcissist and now THIS! an AVOIDANT 😭😭 When i was a kid i thought i don't belong anywhere. And now that I'm an adult, i still don't belong anywhere than being alone. From what i see Avoidants shouldn't be befriend😭😭
My man shows love through physical touch. He always looks me deep in the eyes, always wants to see my face. It's quite lovely actually how fragile he is. I wish I could help him even more, but I think I'm doing really great.
#1 You should clarify that this is not the same as not immediately jumping into a relationship but being friends first. Wanting to get to know someone as a person before getting involved is not avoidant. It's smart. Regarding gifts though, ive seen a fearful avoidant give away a give i gave. And a dismissive avoidant gift me a tea strainer for my first Christmas gift of all things. Avoidants are peculiar people. It's counterintuitive because they're trying to blend into the wallpaper but drawing unwanted attention to themselves instead.
Mine gives me fist pumps. We meet for friendly chats. (And it's honestly way deeper than that! He bares his soul to me. He fully exposes his issues and his body to me. It ends it with him ringing me as soon as we have parted; like an addict or something). But every time we get close it's wonderful and then I get punished right after with no contact and then sorry and a bunch of excuses why they havent been in touch and talk about how they have terrible relationships with friends, family and loved ones in general. Everything is victim mentality. I've never heard sorry so many times from one person in my life! He loves to be spooned. I know that he runs from the connection and it's due to a childhood trauma he told me about. He doesn't like to let anybody get close but consistently tests whether they will forgive him or not. He let his mum down like 30 years ago by not attending her last moments being alive and his father punished him. I think he relives this by causing conflict and scenarios where he self sabotages and then gets forgiven over and over again.
They truly are so complexed, we can frame it also as chronic flight mode, they are so traumatised that they need a partner who is almost a therapist in essence, and should also be to their liking - i.e perfect - And let's face it, the odds of them finding this perfect trinket who will also feel safe for them, stay with them, sacrifice needs, put them in the center of the relationship as they deeply crave, like children in a way, it will not happen, and if it will, they will ditch this perfect person too, probably for a new shiny dysfunctional partner, it is the newness... Dating an avoidant is like walking a landmine field - They are so deeply damaged yet so smart at times, they will find each and every trap for you to fall to, Like a video game, you will have to go through countless arcs and portals, to perform to win their trust, only for them do discard you. What s tragedy. So many of them should avoid the dating pool and stay alone, and stop doing experiments on people's hearts.
@@AABTBS well said and agreed. I could go on and on about the stuff they do. They are seemingly cloned from the same consciousness. Leave these people or they will drain you of all your life joy and spirit over time.
All true comments. They claim to want the perfect partner or that one good woman but when they get it, it is still not enough. They self sabotage a lot.
A good thing would be to finally break free of getting attached to avoidants. I recently started looking into attachment theory and I understand now that whenever my heart was broken it was by an avoidant. I have avoidant tendencies as well, I see what it's like to be afraid of losing yourself or getting your trust betrayed. But I see that and work on that and also I am very anxious so I am more FA, I think which is a special hell on earth in itself. Yet, I keep getting emotionally attached to avoidants, though the only case when this is worth it is when such person is doing their work to become more secure. I feel for them but it's not my business no heal them. And yet every time I fall in love, it's with an avoidant.
Here come the comments of all the anxious insecure people blaming all their issues on avoidants. If your attracted to avoidants then look inside. Only you can heal yourself. People with insecure attachment styles always look to others to blame their issues on. This is part of the reason people avoid you.
Месяц назад+12
@@EmilyLola-r2q You act as if people even know that avoidants exist. I'd never heard of a person that outwardly seemed so warm and lovable and for a few weeks perfectly normal. But by then, you've developed strong feelings. Then it starts out little and vague, so you adjust because you care. Slowly the wall appears and you feel like I'm not really getting closer than arms length emotionally. So I casually mentioned it a year in. That's when the games begin, and they Ghost you one day and move a loser in the next. This is nobody's fault but the avoidants. Cruel and inhumane.
So, deflecting, generalizing, emotional invalidation, and blame shifting is any better? This is the reason people avoid YOU, too. (I am not an anxious type, but I can feel empathy for anyone who has been hurt badly. It takes *LOVE FOR OTHER PEOPLE* to stop toxicity like yours.)
I think it’s worse when you end up chasing an avoidant. Just for them to throw your efforts back in your face because they caused a shift in your attachment style from secure to anxious. They rarely take any accountability and even then they’re still set in their decisions.
But Chris, if this is how they treat people when they are interested, how do avoidants treat those they do not have any interest? What's the difference?
They won't feel nervous around them because it's just like a friend or anyone else. If they're attracted to the person they feel worried it's going to cause them pain so they prepare themselves.
They treat everyone else normally since their defense mechanism isn't triggered. An avoidant can and will find time for seemingly everyone else but their interest
That was INVALUABLE. Thank you Chris Thank you so much. And hats of for rising above it all. The AI illustrations are some of the most beautiful and haunting I've ever seen - congratulations for this as well. Hell of a prompt you must have dished out!
This avoidant I was with wanted commitment until I started reciprocating that feeling and he just ghosted me then a month later he told me he ran away because he got scared of commitment😂😂😂😂 and I know he liked me very much but it’s sad that they fuck up good things and relationships because they are mentally effed in the head
Over 10 years dancing with an avoidant. I’m sticking around and don’t regret it. As I’ve mentioned before I oddly have both avoidant and anxious attachment characteristics. He also “has stuck around”. To be continued
That's the curse of being a hopeful needy person, you will get their traits. Been there done that. You will lose your noble nature of hope and become negative unfortunately
Can you please develop? Did you get enough from the connection in these 10 yrs? Sounds like an awful lot. I'm 2 yrs into my situationship with the DA who calls me his gf, but he couldn't care less if I died. No curiosity to see how I'm doing, almost zero communication. But he won't call it off.
i was an avoidant they will not change for you it's not about you it's about them hiding themself being too bad and them wanting to address who they really are. they suppress it so much and hide it some much you won't make them face it. especially because you are so loving and kind. what will make them change is unknown we cannot pinpoint this happening. i know it's hard to leave but you need to love yourself and realise these people hate them self and will just give you hate. free yourself and trust you can handel them going i have ket go from an avoidant it was hard but their love is a mirage
I dated a DA once but didn't know the problem at the time. Watching these videos the relationship now makes sense. It's been 40 years and I'm still befuddled. Her? Numerous failed marriages and relationships.
Avoidant here 🙋🏼♀️ I’m trying to fix this because this is the second heart I’ve broken, but the second time I warned him about my attachment style and kept trying to hit the breaks in it moving fast.
My avoidant gf always ends up telling me she loves me after intense physical intimate moments. Which always catches me off guard because she is always so careful to not use that type of language otherwise. So that part of physical touch being their love language is very interesting 🤔
We first slept together 17 years ago and right afterwards he said, “I’m not a good guy, Shannon.” Then when we started dating again 14 years later he said, “I’m f-ed up in romantic relationships and I don’t want to hurt you.” It reminded me of Bruce Banner in, “The Incredible Hulk” warning people of his transformation or a werewolf telling the girl to run before it’s too late. I also got him a couple of small gifts and it took days for him to even acknowledge that he got them because it clearly made him feel extremely uncomfortable. Not exactly the same but similar relationship with gift giving and receiving.
@@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 the first time we both ended up with other people for a decade and the second time, it’s been three and a half years where he still has issues around closeness and vulnerability but we work through it, have fun together and I’m open to meeting someone else but live in another state and am really involved with my career so it hasn’t happened yet.
@@MayBlake_Channel depends on how you define, “together”. Haha yeah, we still spend time together but I’ve detached from the idea that he can ever be capable of more. We’ve been friends for 17 years or I wouldn’t be here. Also I’m 51 and not trying to get married and have kids and I never meet anyone else I’m attracted to - I’m very career focused now, trying to get financial stability happening, and have a very full life so I’m happy independent of him. I live in another state, seven hours away. But I wouldn’t recommend to someone who really wants a committed partnership.
I dated an avoidant for five months and in the 4th month I have completely switched from a secure person to anxious, it was horrible and it broke my heart.
Exactly same! I dated him for 2 months, and he literally fucked me up, like i went from a secure person to a person who spends all day in bed searching videos trynna make sense of what he did why he did it
The worse part is we're in the same university so i have to see him everyday and he's dating someone else now. He fucked me up in 2 months! 2 months 😭😭
Its called avoidance but seems more like manipulation or sociopathic to me!
@@shanchan8247 defo is
@@emamahzaman2507
You've projected onto the person and keep rejecting part of you (anima/animus) by consciously rejecting the parts you've projected onto that person, thinking you're rejecting the person itself.
Have had something similar happen to me this year and realised that just about now.
Seeing that person after understanding what I have said will help you go through the exposure therapy.
You do not have to repair anyone besides yourself is something you could struggle with.
@@Noswiatel i dont quite understand can you please elaborate?
After i got ghosted recently, ive been on a mission to understand it. After 50 or so videos i now understand avoidants aren't weird, they're disabled.
Damaged is the correct word. And until they take the time to heal themselves, they’ll continue to leave damage in their wake.
Disabled in a cryptic hidden way… & some of them do not believe in full disclosure…. & do not consider lying by omission unethical. In fact, some consider the obligation to disclose “abusive to them” when they are, in fact, abusing everyone around them with their withholding of information.
😢@@judewuski
@@CoachAJ2024Socially disabled.
Dayum
The most confusing, frustrating, and painful relationship you’ll ever experience is with an avoidant attachment style.
I,agree. I was with a narc for 7 years, divorced him. Then found myself an avoidant man. They are like mini narcissists. Very similar but worse in a way.
@maxitaxish You've never known a narcissistic. A DA can hurt someone but a narc does that and messes with the mind to such a degree their victim probably can't get in touch with themself again without therapy or decades to recover.
“Confusing” is the worst for me. Leaves you feeling crazy and it’s not always validated by your friends
Purest hell on earth
Totally agree
Victims of narcissism also can become avoidant people. Remember that you guys.
@@draculinalover Parents, or the imagining of one? So scary, I'm not a therapist!?!! 🤨
That's true. My ex was a victim it seem
Sure. Trauma begets trauma. That’s why it’s important to break the cycle. Which they have to do.
@@c.thompson9771 Yes, parents. Mine is so fucked in the head that our entire family dislikes her and even strangers would tell me how fucking weird she is. My grandfather, shortly before his passing, said he regretted raising her like this. And she's a narc both in colloquial (histrionic) and in clinical sense. I implore you to spend 5 minutes around her and tell me after she or her narcissism are imaginary.
@@Alex-mc5yn fear is the operative factor. Many 'coping' behaviors will result. Most, quite selfishly, keep it as a survival resource; inappropriately, into adulthood.
I spotted one recently andthe minute he tried the"pull away" tactic, i said, "im not interested in your "low input" vibe, good luck"
And guess what... zero care was given. Not because you aren't worthy. But because there was no emotional attachment, obviously that's the aim of a DA. The internal conflict within them is real. Wanting to be loved but terrified to be vulnerable again.
@@FractalCodex7People have to run away as soon as the pull away happens. It doesn't matter if the avoidant gives a fuck, we already know they cannot give any fuck about anything.
Avoidance is the result of very deep hurts from early childhood. We know we are damadged goods and try to spare the "healthy"/secure people from. Even a lot of therapy does not make this go away. So seeing comments telling that these people should go away and isolate themselves is really painful - this is literally what we are doing all the time. I was just checking the comments to feel less alone, but now I am crying instead.
I still wanna thank u for sharing ur story because im in the comments trying to understand avoidants. I love reading personal perspectives. May you heal from your wounds and find a caring and understanding partner ✨
Aww, I'm so sorry you feel this way.😢 What if anything can people who aren't "avoidant" do to help you love in a more healthy way in relationships?
Just don't mislead people emotionally and that will solve the problem.
I see you...
All insecure Attachment styles are self defence/protection mechanism birth from inadequate/abusive parental relationship - usually the mother's are the main cause as they tend to be the primary caregiver. Avoidance are suffering all the same as everyone else. I'm disorganised attachment, I swing both ways and can empathize with both but mostly the isolation is the same on both sides.... Where do I belong, I am defective, I am not worthy, others are not safe, people will hurt me. Statements that torrment both. You can't shame someone into healing, stay humble.
Acknowledging someone has been painfully irreversibly hurt and traumatised and then telling them how much they're allowed to bleed and where and comparing it against others is a very insensitive, judgmental,narrow sighted and lacks any sort of humanity😔
Anxious attached ppl projecting their own inability to remove themself from a situation they know is unhealthy for them on to avoidance instead of addressing their own lack of self esteem and unhealthy desire for external validation that keeps their claws dug in deeps which this level of emeshment and codependentcey causes more protection behaviours in avoidant people, but we don't hear people talking about how toxic that is and hating on them telling them to isolate till they find themselves blah blah blah.... It's a who came first, the chicken or egg. I wish everyone would stop blaming each other, we could spend our whole lives blaming others and never fix what was inside us, which literally is all we have control of. I'm a disorganised attachment. Apparently we are the worse to 😅😢
Chin up high, we got this warrior.
Love bombing (gifts), closeness, admiration, positive gaslighting (“we can do that anytime you want!” -while no planning w/minimal attempts for intimate time), bread crumbing intimacy, keeping arms length, expressing fear of issues they’ve created, gaslighting you into you thinking their your issues, to the stonewalling when you create conflict trying to expose the problems, then inevitable break up. Exhausting, confusing, unfortunate.
Borderline narcissist
I think you're describing a narcissist not a dismissive avoidant. A dismissive avoidant will never eve "love bomb". (I know because I am one)
@@yuzan3607 I believe some can and do
Literally their blueprint. Fml
@@yuzan3607avoidants do lovebomb all the time just coz they are people pleasers to begin with, they are fake and try to be nice just to avoid conflict and don’t want others to think negative about them.
My ex wife was an avoidant horrible experience please don’t try to play hero you can’t fix them run the opposite way or you’ll lose your sanity
I lost it. Had too many of them.
Some more advice. .. it's probably not a good idea to just go along with it. Since you weren't really looking for a relationship right now anyways... you actually get tricked into knowing that it is all wrong now you take offense take things personally etc etc
Why is it that they lead you on only to replace you with someone else or they were married for 12+ years but they couldn't commit to me for 5 seconds? I don't get it!
@@amberv4223 And then you have to hear about how horrible their ex wife was but pretty soon you realise if they'd treated their wife half as badly as they did. to you, NO WONDER SHE LEFT YOU!!! But by that stage it's too late and you've mistaken all the confusion and the emotional roller coaster for "love." It still hurts when he told me he really cared about me. He seemed so genuine but he's so full of shit. Says he cares but actions are the opposite. I'm the idiot here. Never again.
unless they become a more healed version of themselves keep avoiding them , because you are not allowing them to heal if they keep engaging in avoidant behaviours with you.
1. Preemptive Breakup Planning 🤯
(Casual, Nothing Serious, Emotional Distance, Hint at Future Disconnection: "I'm not good at Relationships", Test & Sabotage, Past Failures)
2. Microgifting
(minimize to protect from rejection)
3. Love Language
(May be Quality Time and Touch)
4. Intellectual Sparring
5. Emotional Distance 🤯
(to test, protect,and connect)
Microgifting also includes small low cost gifts without any value minimisation.
He spent 7 days in Greece and brought me back a Keychain. He just handed it to me and said"Here". Smh
@@alethiamillner5603 too little info. How long are you together? What's your Status? What did you expect?
How can they test, connect and protect with emotional distance??
@@agnezalesdedaj2503did you watch the video?? It breaks it down.
Avoidants are like this because of childhood trauma. I understand it’s painful but to push a narrative that they are some cyborg villains is unfair and unproductive.
This man is explaining things so people have a chance at empathy.
I wish the best for anyone reading this. No matter what side you’re on! I love you and healing is possible 🫶✌️
Girl, Avoidants need to HEAL. The same way we ALL need to do the DAMN hard inner work to freakin HEAL, and be BETTER HUMAN BEINGS 💯
@@shereses.3298 As an avoidant, I’m not in a relationship because I’m committed to healing. I can’t speak for a single other soul tho, ya know 🤷🏻♀️
Yes. Virtually all abusers and harmful people are that way due to childhood trauma.
It’s their responsibility to be better.
Avoidants if they’re intelligent or wise should know better than to date anyone if they’re this insecure. Therapy is what they should be seeking and building their self confidence, not seeking romance only to end up ruining connections, creating damage and ruining their own reputation.
@@MindYourOwn777 I agree with you.
I wasted four years of my life trying to build something solid with an avoidant woman. Absolutely nothing came out of the situation except for that I learned some real hard lessons. As long as I live, I will never let any other avoidant type enter my life again. These people live in the darkness and they can dim the light of a healthy person easily. Not worth it.
Well put. I heard in another video the idea of how these relationships create a "withering of the spirit."
This is how my marriage made me feel. And yet, he blamed me for making him feel the same, even though I was essentially a servant to him who walked on eggshells to not upset him. After the divorce, he can go back to the shadows, and I hope he leaves other women alone instead of finding another person to abuse.
@@shoneycreation3313 "Withering of the spirit" is so spot on. They drag you into their darkness if you're not strong in Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, demons are drawn to the light in others because they know they'll never get there. That makes them even angrier at and with you. I pray for all the avoidants out there who are riddled with sin and tormented by demons.
@@shoneycreation3313Withering of the spirit is a perfect description
u confuse DA with narcissim
@@geoffvalero3516they’re on the same spectrum
Dating a dismissive avoidant is a crash course masterclass on red flags and for the length of the relationship (which I advise only in months not years) with all the weirdness and confusing and derailing things you will experience, you can come away learning how to date properly and avoid people who are not able to love, or be close or enjoy connection
yes to all this, i had a recent crash course of two months, it was fun though. Experience experience experience
You nailed it
I'm now 7 years into a marriage to one and never been so lonely.
@@wizardofaus2985no point in sacrificing your one life away to no one imo
I agree, definitely a course in what I absolutely DO NOT WANT.
I cried at how accurate and true this is and I how I can finally realize the one who hurt me was an avoidant
Literally told a dismissive guy last week “am I an ffing yo-yo to you? Goodbye.” They’ll make even secure people go into anxious preoccupied mode. They’re damaged goods.
I honestly don’t think
Every DA is history..
They need to know you love them.. if you do.. not going to
Hurt them…
Actually if you are prayer warrior.. pray for them…if you can’t handle it .. N enjoy talking .. be a friend that has his/her back..
Nothing worse than
Someone in your world n you basically
Expose or make fun
Of them…
No human wants that no matter what you are labeled..❤
@@ForeverTogether219
I get what you are saying but some people don’t deserve the kindness.
Most dynamics are not great with an avoidant (generalisation I know)
So when it ends the last thing I want to do is be ‘friends’ with this person that caused so much confusion and pain in a way.
Truth is the avoidant style CAN really hurt people.
I’m not gonna remain friendly with someone who doesn’t deserve my friendship
I can wish them the best and hope they find happiness soon, but I’m not gonna be apart of that situation anymore. And I’m not gonna feel any guilt about it in the slightest
@@craignason4258they demand everything they are unwilling to give
Or even extreme DA who leans FA; loves physical touch because he’s a sex addict; also alcoholic. Hidden addictions of course until I find stuff. So many betrayals. After caught; he was willing to share his resources ; and spend some quality time together and acts of service ( lots of never ending projects ) to avoid intimacy. Left me alone with the repair need for emotional support of all the betrayals. I stayed in therapy for years. He only goes when I’m close to leaving. I think he senses the disconnect but doesn’t really address it or do anything about it. Avoids everything.
@@craignason4258Indeed
Great video! "Building an exit door before the foundation has ever been built" definitely spot!!!!
Just a reminder, someone not wanting a relationship & being clear about it isn’t “emotional unavailability” in the toxic sense. When someone says they don’t want a label or a relationship, believe them. It’s on you, after that. If you try to manipulate someone with your love & affection to win them over, you’re the bad guy & the selfish one.
Too funny and true, I was asked out and while having a great time the Dude said “just so you know- we are just friends “. Without a tear in my eye I said Thank you, cause my stomach rolled when I thought about kissing you. I smiled laughed and said whoosh… we dodged that. I had to tell him to close his mouth cause his jaw dropped.
@@Tmc513 🤣
Spare yourself the confusion, it’s their problem not yours they should fix themselves. Don’t spend your life trying to translate them they will keep hurting you and you will keep being confused and starting to blaming yourself. You deserve the love you say and show and give back you deserve someone that can love you without you being confused
You can "understand them and stick around," and the avoidant will keep pressing that knife into your back.
They don't apologise for their mistakes. That is a deal breaker for me
Omg same! Hate that. That tells soooo mcuh about someone personality . Such a turn off for me too .
Also my Mother is like that too so doble NO for me
Gotta love the " I'm sorry you feel that way "
Oh god! When he was breaking up with me over texts I told him repeatedly ‘you’re hurting me’ he didn’t even budge or apologise. That was when I woke up to a rude reality.
@@sarahjaye4117oh man. Both my father and my ex said those exact words in TWO different languages
Wring. They do. As soon as they realize
I got sucked into their tornado and quickly spit out. I was left wondering what in the heck had happened?!?!? Literally the most dizzying experience I have ever experienced. Looking back, the red flags were ALL there, but I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. Big mistake. Believe these people the first time. Not worth a second of your time. You won’t fix them.
Damn! Ditto
Chris, you are very brave putting yourself out here in order to try to help others.
His videos always look professional and well thought out ❤
Thank you for this video, is interesting how DAs behave and even speak with same words. I didn't take it personally because I learned that DAs behaviour is rooted in their childhood, not all DAs are aware of how their actions affect others, is very important to become secure and not personalise their dismissive approach, not all DAs are toxic and I noticed they usually are very inteligent and easily overwhelmed with emotions, this is why they prefer to keep things light and fun.
It would be more interesting to see a video about how is best to respond to such behaviour, it will help a lot.
Thank you!
Agree
That would be sooo helpful to have a video on responding for a good outcome!
As far as I know you can't really win or it's up to luck. It's either push and pull relationship where you stay somewhat "together" while both of you suffer or you ignore your own needs to keep the DA comfortable or you become a secure person who has a healthy lack of patience for the DA and end it early.
@flowerchasethesunshine9063
This is exactly what it's like being the child of a DA parent. The other parent bends over backwards to keep the DA content and the child just gets to be the DA's punching bag
Sick of it. Ridiculous how I have to treat my parent's feelings like a three year old without ever getting an apology.
These people are like children. They see a new toy, demand to have it, throw their old toy away and then cry because they lost the old toy and the new one isn’t as fun as it looked. Spoiled babies. Stay away. Find an actual adult to date.
That's exactly how I felt when my FA ex ghosted me. After love bombing me and giving me some mild reassurance every time I would discuss his pulling away. It's like he got resentful of me for completely unclear and arbitrary reasons and only wanted me on his terms, which were completely impossible to understand because he wouldn't communicate and when I asked if he wanted to break up he would say no. These people are exhausting and so not worth it. This man was 37 years old.
💯 this is my experience. I think DA is a nice way of saying covert Narcissist. You can’t win with either..both equally damaging and traumatic.
It’s like having relational autism. It really is a disability but don’t feel bad for these people. They love that and to play victim
Nah. Bunch of slander and ignorance on display. And projection. Avoidants vet. When problems emerge, its because we ferret out inconsistencies in your armor and persona. If you don't want to keep it real, move along. We know the world is full of fakers, that's why you end up on read.
@@brennam954same here. He just turned 51. Ghosted me right after his birthday and before mine a month later. He sent a text two weeks out saying I Love You! I’m like ok then why did you do this? Ghosting again. Two weeks later I I Miss You! Stupidly I responded. Only to be ghosted still. Sadly when we were great friends he never acted like this. Only after we expressed feelings further than friends did the childish in/out, on/off, hot/cold & ghosting get involved. I hate ghosting. It’s childish and weak. Because they’re incapable of having an honest adult conversation. Which he promised he’d do always at the start. Now he wonders why I don’t trust him. Gee you said you’d have the hard conversations always and you’ve ghosted me but sent text’s saying I Love You! I I Miss You! But still don’t want you. WHAT THE HECK? It’s enough to boggle the strongest of people.
@@Kavilion this is pretty accurate
Maybe this is why I was with a guy who did all the girlfriend/boyfriend things but then backpedaled and out of nowhere started sending repeated "I only ever thought of you as a friend" texts. It did my head in. I found it so immature and confusing. This was also before anything ever took off. He wanted Saturday dates but insisted on calling them "Our little catchup." I started to think he was married or hiding something. I set him free 6 months ago and haven't heard from him since. And yes, I'm still heartbroken. I've been asked out a few times since then, but this has rocked my confidence so much, I always politely decline while thinking "Why? You're only going to mess with my head and then discard me." And I was never like this before.
Same. I dated someone who would hold my hand a lot and even kiss me, and then he suddenly said we were never dating and just friends. It messed me up. Being an avoidant would explain a lot. He was so sweet and kind otherwise, but just wasn't ready for a relationship.
@@Adelicows Omg!!! Yeah that’s a really horrible thing to do and definitely not fair. It’s like they can’t admit their own feelings or be honest with themselves. I know I’m a damage case but I’d never intentionally lead a guy on.
this explains. so. much. the giant gap between (cold) words and (warm) actions.
I’ve been with an avoidant for 6 years. My mental health has deteriorated a lot….
It’s a soul crushing experience. Same here …
Get out now! Mine was almost 8 years..this man went from telling me he loved me every day till practically ghosting me and my family. 2 years out I'm now ashamed to say I practically had to beg and chase him for closure. Looking back at our relationship my mental health was horrendous he was incapable of opening up about his feelings and couldn't handle mine when I tried to express them. It was like constantly walking on eggshells. I was heartbroken for a long time but I now realise he will be the same with someone else unless he gets help.
Why aren't you leaving? These people will drain you of all your spirit, it almost never works out.
@@geemac3569 Sounds like a narc rather than avoidant. Narcs pretend to be avoidant by their elusive behavior thing, because they're scared you'll see who they really are if they get too close. Narcs also dismiss people but ti's because they think they're better than everyone else (DA dismiss exaggeration and perceived manipulation). The diffs can be pretty subtle at surface level until you know, it's easy to confuse at the start. And boy when one knows, one knows for sure, and will never confuse it again, also because the traits are fundamentally opposite.
@derek in the sense of intense anxiety? Prolly DA. If it's cognitive dissonance and feelings guilty and wrong about everything and doubting your own gut, it's a narc.
This is crazy accurate. I’ve been watching videos on avoidants after ending a 6 month situationship a couple nights ago, but this video specifically is hitting all the boxes. You even used his name 😂 Mike. The intellectual sparring is a huge thing he tried to engage in, but, if I’m honest, I was either his equal or a bit smarter in some aspects. I could be wrong, I know I just see things from my own perspective and subjective reality. But he tired me. He is very self aware, and he knew he was causing the problems, but it was a unique situation for various reasons I won’t explain in this comment. He exhibited classic avoidant behavior, and I didn’t realize that’s what it was until after. I exhibited a lot of anxious attachment behaviors, but not as intensely as others or as I did in the past. Now, I’d say my attachment style is more on the secure side, thankfully, but because of the unique circumstances, I reverted back to some old habits. I also never had felt that sort of spark before, which tells me I still have a lot of growing to do because as I age, life and relationships get more complicated and I have to learn how to navigate them and how to be open to always learning and growing.
Wow, you sound like an extremely self-aware person. I felt like I could have written this just by how you scrutinize your own behavior. That is such a gift. I hope you're taking it easy on yourself. I dealt with an avoidant who flipped my life inside out, and it's hard not to condemn myself for allowing it to happen with a front-row seat. Just playing the fool and down-playing my own intelligence. Indeed, let's continue to grow wiser from these experiences. God bless you.
This is the first video I’ve seen from you that finally humanizes avoidants and doesnt run them into the ground and demonize them.
Also thank you for showing me that I do some of these actions. I didnt realize i was
Basically fear of rejection or abandonment. Fear of expectations that you cant live up to. Fear of vulnerability. Self protection mode in full force.
This is the same for anxious attachment difference is ppl with that attachment style are usually clingy & over emotional or extra vulnerable. And instead of pulling back, they go foward to their partners. At the end of the day both suffer from fear of abandonment & rejection they just show it in different ways.
The biggest thing I’ve learned of going no contact with this person is that you can’t help anybody that doesn’t want to help themselves. I cannot fix him and I cannot bring myself down with him trying to fix that void from his childhood traumas. I know he’s not purposely trying to hurt me but in some sense still always knowingly self sabotages and sabotages what we had due to his fears about the future of us and how he would “hurt me”. It’s always a back and forth with him and I am truly exhausted. One moment he wants no one else in this world but me and the next minute he wants nothing at all because of the self-loathing thoughts that fill his mind. Dismissive avoidants are so afraid of vulnerability and letting themselves love freely and accepting the love they are so convinced they don’t deserve. He has so much self work to do and I do as well for always trying to be the hero and becoming codependent. The more you chase the more they run away. So I’m choosing my peace as much as I love him and know we make so much sense together.
Knowing oneself and own boundaries, and how to keep them in place is key. Forces them to either fix themselves or find other things to do than relationship with you.
100% accurate.
Very well said. @@ashton1952
We are literally in the same exact boat. I love him SO MUCH but he couldn't stop being defensive anytime he had to take accountability, he only gave me the treatment I wanted when I was ready to walk away (flowers and sweet notes after I try ending things), and he kept self sabotaging by looking at other girls on social media while he was w me. In the end he ended up breaking up with me. Weird thing is he was able to acknowledge his mistakes and go to therapy bc he knows he's running away from himself and he knows how much he hurt me. It wasn't our job to play bob the builder and fix them up lol we learned the hard way. At least we can heal now and learn who we really are :) happy healing I hope you take all the love you were giving him, and give it to yourself ❤
@@lexa9830 that's in their core and is going to be almost impossible for them to improve if they are not committed 100%.
I think, if you can communicate your feelings with an avoidant person, and they are actively trying to better themselves you can have a good relationship. You just can't push too hard. They are people too, they just have bad pasts that they can work through.
My former avoidant was very generous with nice gifts, making me think he was generous and I was special, except he was very inconsistent, communicating and did not engage in intellectual conversations and guarded .
It seems theyre not very apt to being ABLE to have intellectual conversations with anybody.
Inconsistency makes you crazy
Exactly like mine! Even before we started anything, he was so grnerous to me, always financially protective. But barely any warmth or communication. It's so draining, i feel so alone... and he avoids all deep talk.
sounds like a narcissist not an avoidant. As an avoidant myself I'm honestly offended that many ppl seem to mix us with narcissists. We're literally the opposite of a narcissist. Deep down we're just trying to protect ourselves because we've been hurt (usually by narcissists--so it's ironic when people are mixing us up!!) we never intend to use and manipulate people.
@@yuzan3607 exactly please anyone explain me about my attachment.. My fear of getting hurt triggered at age 12 by my close friend.. So I avoid her, take step back, put her and all my friends in arms length, inconsistent, disconnected from them, Loneliness .. I was Highly avoidant in friendship but when I date a long distance boy he is also an emotionally UN available avoidant.. But that time I'm better from my old self, but with him I became anxious suffering from anxiety becoz of fear of abandonment.. Sorry for my English
My DA ex would say 3 things: I am a very independent woman, I can't believe we are still together, and I am not looking for a long term relationship. We were together for 11 months. Her love languages were quality time and acts of service.
Be careful there
Yep heard all that. Most Avoidants will sadly never heal because most people in general do not want to do serious inner healing work.
I'm one of those wierdos who loves to do the work. There's absolutely no way I could've attained the level of gnosis about self and reality without it.
People are broken and remain that way because human society itself is broken... and that is by design.
Skip my comment if you don't want a rant, or scroll down if you want advice as an avoidant or someone who is missing something
I'm an avoidant (growing away from it since I see more value in vulnerability and emotional honesty) because I was never allowed to show any vulnerability growing up. My dad would always punish or scold my brother and I for it, claiming it to be a weakness or us being either stupid or failures in his eyes. I had to hide everything from him. I remember when I was younger, I got bullied pretty badly at school and my home life wasn't helping anything. Not knowing what else to do, I told my dad that I felt helpless and depressed about it all, and he dismissed it as attention-seeking and pathetic. From then on, I just avoided him and others based on principle. Fast forward to now, dad is dead (fuck him, good riddance), and my family is a lot closer and more chill now. Seems like he was a burden to more than just me.
Here's the advice portion: my dad was basically a favoritist and didn't much care for me as much as my brother. He never taught me anything, nor did he ever try to bond with me. For the last few years, I had been waiting for someone to come and teach me what my dad never did and it has proven mostly fruitless. Hard pill to swallow, but nobody was ever coming for me or to pick up the slack my dad left behind (and understandably so), so I had to become my own dad and not only teach myself new skills, but also treat myself the way an ideal father would have. In summation: fill in your own gaps because nobody else will do it for you.
Same as me, but in my case with my mom and I am a woman. I just realized everything after having my own kids… that what I always wanted in my life was to have a mom… I searched on teachers, mother in law, etc… but they didn’t care because I am not their family.
Mother in law was the worst because I thought she COULD be my family as we share a bond with kids… but she acted aloof and didn’t care about us either.
And here I am still trying to be ok with the fact that my inner child was always an orphan and will always be.
Did you read Homecoming by John Bradshaw?
@@lakelvp I don’t know if this comment it is for me or the original poster, but in my case I didn’t read.
I am so sorry for your loss. Loss of a beautiful childhood. Loss of what could have been. Loss of other relationships to people that cared. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and open. I'm so proud of you fo what you are doing for yourself and the people around you by healing. Reparentung yourself is not easy. Much love 💗💗
@@lakelvp I haven't read it either
It’s extremely hurtful. I never knew I could hurt like this. She’s been gone longer than I had her and I still think about her every single day. It’s a game I wish I’d never played.
I feel you mate, I'm in the same fck boat as you... Never thought I could have so many tears.
@@fridayproject4359 tears is right. She’s the only woman I’ve ever cried over.
She ghosted you? Or you ghosted her?
Move on to new flirting as quick as posible
Get to the core of your own attachment style and work to heal the traumas that got you there. Once you begin to heal, you will stop romanticizing your relationship with the DA.
This is the best video on avoidants I've seen so far. Deep.
14:50 as an avoidant myself if I find myself getting into a relationship then I let the other person know that I'm an avoidant early on (2nd date). I also temper their expectations of intimacy from me and let them know that I can provide some types of intimacy but not others. All relationships are built on trust and communication. You know your warning labels, so make them clear as to what the other person has the opportunity to mutually consent to. Practice Radical Honesty! Clearly communicate your intentions!
Everything is correct. Was with a DA for 3 years and he cheated on me before discarded me.
He did asked about my love language in the beginning of the dating stage. He told me that his love language was quality time and physical touch. We were in long distance relationship and we see each other once a month. We talk on the phone everyday or i should say i talked on the phone and he listened. Everytime we see each other, we will go outdoor or stay at home where we sit in the living room reading book or watching a movie. He hardly shares his feelings.
The gifts are very accurate. He never says he bought this or that for me. It was always "Do you want this". I will always say yes because somehow i know they are specifically for me.
We could maintain so long because somehow i knew he likes his space although i never knew he was a DA until i found out he cheated on me.
I don't think i can forgive him. He really damage my soul. I am now emotionally and mentally damage, on medication and seeing therapy because of his selfish deed. People like him doesn't deserve love.
I'm sorry for you, I know very well how do you feel 😢😢
I understand you.
There is another perspective.
You need better. You need more.
Forgive yourself the error of being your wonderful self on a dead beat.
And direct this light generously in your direction.
You'll feel good, as you should.
Focus on me-time.
Focus on gratitude.
Surrender your pain up 👆🌺💖🎋
And watch that dark veil lift as you walk into the plenitude of your own Life.
Be happy first with yourself.
Take care. ❤
This is word for word what happened to me. Everything you just typed out; I experienced as well. But you forgot one last sentence: People like you are deserving of love. I hope you don’t forget that.
The only people who can do long distance relationships are avoidants. BTW
My avoidant partner did everything you described here, from preemptive break up planning to debates to spark arguments.
From the very beginning before we even started dating, he made it clear he only wanted casual...and yet would indicate he wanted to start a family. This had left me mixed signals, but I wanted to start a family too, so i figured I'd stick around and suffer through the "casual" part.
I remember one day he brought up an article about astrology, something he knew I was interested in. This article was talking about the "new constellation", whatever it's called, and this allegedly messes up the entire system of astrology. He was testing me to see how I'd react and I didn't react well. I got insulted and he of course thought I was crazy. I never understood why he did this because it was very out of the blue and it was obvious I'd get upset. We'd have multiple arguments about religion and metaphysical subjects but even after making concessions, and agreeing to disagree, he maintains that I'm "plenty crazy" and has an air that he's the most rational between us, therefore superior. It's been three years since then and while he's still in the belief that I'm crazy, at least I'm not Christian and we both agree that the Norse held good practices and morals. It's something, but I still don't feel safe about being openly pagan around him, lest he make fun of me.
Ever since he's started trusting me more, he finally started saying he loves me and has accepted the idea we're a romantic couple. He no longer asserts that we're just friends and he'll even express jealousy (healthy jealousy) if i ever talk about other men in a positive way. It's amazing to me how he'll do some romantic gestures and uphold what he thinks a man should do in a relationship, yet had one sidedly believed we were just friends this whole time. It's pretty obvious his defenses were up and he tried sabotaging at every turn, but his inner desires for a relationship were there in his actions and fine print. That's why I've stayed, because I could see he's as sensitive and yearning for love as I am.
Idk what this ultimately means but it entirely depends on whether or not he wants to work on this issue. He'll either A) dismiss me because I'm bringing up psychology and he hates it whenever I bring up anything remorely relating to therapy, or B) because he does love and care about me and his life goals enough, he will look to change himself. I believe because he's changed so much in 4 years, that he might actually go forward with getting help. But it's ok if he doesn't because I can easily leave. I just feel bad for him if he wants to choose suffering.
It's very interesting for me that you say you can easily leave after 4 years. Why would you do this at this point? And aren't you attached? Just curious
@@j.p.4658yeah I’m curious too. Doesn’t sound like it would be that easy to detach
Engage with a DA at your own risk.
I read this as “District Attorney” first.
@@gaboseries5252 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Weird behavior is the perfect description!!!
I have just walked away from someone who was exactly described as in this video. I need time to heal myself now. That's really mental issue that nornal people can't cope with.
This was eye-opening. It’s almost eerie how I have experienced several. It feels comforting to know nonetheless that the avoidants I dated did care a lot more than they let on.
To all women out there, you have the choice and power to walk away from these types of people. Most of the time they won't change until they're in therapy.
This isn’t a guy thing plenty of women are this way. It’s what happens when basic feelings are shamed, as a child. And yes people should walk away but that goes for anyone playing games. It’s crazy that girl continued on that date let alone ever saw him again.
I’ve done what he did as in create distance and planning the end before the beginning but I can’t imagine if I’d actually TOLD the person that that’s stuck around. THAT is crazy.
@@nadiaoak5123Actually kind of what my ex did it was an LDR I was just there to visit her and came back to my country and Monday and then Saturday she was begging me to go there so I risked everything from my life uni and work and other things to go there she introduced me to her mum and brother and then 2 days after that she kinda kicked me out and then ignored me for days before breaking up she told ke she didn’t want to and she told my friend she didn’t feel butterflies
I’m a woman and my father is like this to my mom, you’re right they won’t change without therapy. I also know that my aunt (dad’s side) is like that to her husband. So anyways I think you should edit your comment, it’s to “everyone”. Not only to women
Ughhh.
Lol this is purely a woman behavior stop projecting 🤡
Oh boy, I did this stuff to a girl I was talking to at work 9 months ago, and I felt so guilty I ended up putting myself into therapy.
Good for you!
Then you are one of the very few percent of Avoidants who actually seek help.
Do it for you, its the best way to turn your life around.
At least u did that. Hope ur doing well ❤
Perhaps you are anxious avoidant and sometimes more anxious?..
@@Quuuelghit truly is . I’m recovering from this … my life is changing for the better I’m thankful ❤
I gotta say, Chris: I really admire your courage in talking about your experiences with this. Its not easy to do this level of self reflection, let alone to do it publically!
I find it Facinating to learn sbout this from your perspective. You communicate it terrifically as well.
My DA ex gf really did a number on me, and your vids are helping me understand the fallout, and therefore helping me heal.
Cheers, man! Thanks!
Let me guess you were called a narc by her?
I feel like I’m in a trauma bond with her it’s frustrating, and it’s just a situationship right now 😢
This has been one of the best avoidant videos I’ve watched. Thank you. It actually put a smile on my face.
Really well made video. I loved all the cool art in it as well.
I'm currently dealing with a man that I think is a dismissive avoidant, as he is currently avoiding me. I've heard from him just a few times in the past two months, after a month of him pulling away before getting "busy with life". Just before this odd behaviour, we, for the first time in two years, finally said I love you to each other. Sigh. He vanished for four month last winter and it broke my heart. Since I'm stronger now, i want to find ways to approach him and fix things between us. When i stop taking things personally, I realize that he must be conflicted and fearful. I don't want to give up on him though, as he's unlike anyone I've known before. I just gotta level up my skills.
This helped me understand my friend much better. We spar intellectually often, but I can be mindful to respect his need for independence. I’ve decided to do my own thing until he’s ready to connect again, however this was quite elucidating. I loved this so much! ❤
We both loved our space and independence so in that area there were no problems. I realized he had never made a personal relationship with a woman a priority in his life, even in his marriage and he was 68. He used a lot of avoidance strategies throughout his life unknowingly … work, hobbies, friends, etc to avoid emotional intimacy. I also discovered he had become an alcoholic upon retiring 12 years prior. Alcoholics cannot love and they lie a lot and also cheat. He lived a life of denial but a very unhappy one. I am sure with therapy he could have overcome a lot.
As an empath I really do see my avoidant and his fears when I step back and observe instead of reacting emotionally. Things are slowly improving and it is beautiful when we are together, I’m very kinesthetic and love to spend time just touching him, giving massages etc. and he seems very happy and calm. It feels very much like we are both healing some interesting traumas because he was always pushed away when he would seek physical touch in his previous relationship and I can’t get enough touch because I was very much alone and not held much as a child as far back as I can remember. Thank you for posting this, it’s very eye opening.
Thanks for your comment. It’s good to hear a positive experience. I’m recognizing my love interest is DA and am still hopeful for a mutually satisfying relationship. He is a wonderful guy.
Babe-buh!
I'm fearful, she's dismissive, we ghosted each other at the same time
A perfect match lol
Thank you!! I totally get it. As a healing anxious attached person..I know and understand why. We have been through so much and I want us to make a foundation and stop building walls. The stigma on both styles need to stop. We couldn't control the trauma, but if two people want to work through things. Anything is possible. Thank you for helping me understand better
Something I learned is to maintain communication. She never did and I was hurt for months. Recently reconnected miraculously. First thing I asked was “Can we improve communication?” She agreed.
Avoidants? More appropriate label would be manipulative cowards, control freaks, or betas. Tired of all the socially correct and friendly terms for people who really need to stay out of the dating world until they get counseling, therapy, gain a sense of self esteem and courage. My ex fit the description of everything you mentioned here. I So you mean to tell me that the SOB liked me and he thought this was how he should treat me?? No matter the reason why he did it. The very fact that he chose to give himself the advantage of supposedly protecting himself in a way that was hurtful to me is even more reason to be upset with him. I would never take him back. The way he behaved was absolutely scarring and left me with nothing but terrible memories. These types of behaviors ALMOST always guarantee a FAIL as they’re off putting, cold, and pushes people away, doesn’t indicate that the other person likes them and energetically repels love with anyone who has good self esteem , standards, and good common sense. No offense to you or anyone. Just saying. If you are an avoidant, don’t date. Stay to yourself and work on becoming a healthy version of yourself before you interact romantically with others. There is no excuse for behaving in such a destructive manner. It’s purely selfish.
My ex convinced me to move to Ohio as I was moving back from the army. She was the one who said she loved me first. I raised her kids from 4 and 6. After her youngest graduated she broke up with me. I gave her what she lacked we were a team. She has had toxic relationships before me and I’m sure was just used to being treated badly
My gut reaction to this is y'all are sick. And the biggest problem I have with this is, if you know you don't want to be " boxed in" and lose your independence, why start a relationship at all! Knowing full well, you can't have a relationship of any value! Now, I will say kudos to you for getting help. However, all I can think of is all of the discards and hurt people like you cause (ed). Again, good on you. Going into my crazy relationship, I am a secure attachment style. No issues, not needy, like my alone time. And yet, the ups and downs, backs and forth is just abusive. So many broken people. I wish more would get the help they need. Invest into yourself. So maybe one day they can have a relationship.
@Chris_fan_acc I have everything I want. That relationship is in the past. I've learned the lesson and moved past it. It was a love lesson I needed to learn. And I am now after the fact aware of this attachment style, and will never entertain it again.
The work to get better is difficult and ambiguous. I just feel glad I had some healthy models along the way, & now I "know" what the problem is. I don't have too many of these weird doors anymore.
I met an avoidant and turned out that I learnt that I'm one too, so when he pulls back I think "uh I can finally breathe again now" and I even get scared of him reaching out, because he pulls back knowing I won't chase then eventually he comes around, I think he does this so "I won't forget him", it's funny because this way I keep thinking we're not going anywhere avoiding each other, but at the same time I think it would be fun to let him in but I don't trust him to try to open the door for him and I don't even know how or where to start to search for the damn key to open that door🤣
Interesting to read. But in my experience this is related to sexism as well - men always think there's a long line of women begging to be with them so they don't wanna be attached to only one. They eventually realize the line is not that long - if even existent - and come back to that always available woman. It could be you, it could be a not avoidant at all woman.
I am in a similar situation. We are both avoidant and it is EXHAUSTING.
@@deysezarichtaI think you're talking about just a run of the mill asshole, rather than an avoidant. Avoidant attachment styles aren't chronic cheaters, and they aren't all men. They're just people who have learnt not to be emotionally vulnerable, as a defence mechanism.
When they distance themselves take the chance and run, save yourself pain and misery. Your emotional security and comfort is important either. These people are broken and harmful. If they hide their emotions so much how are you supposed to know what they want and who's giving you security in relationship that they stick around, obviously they make sure they have an exit but want you to stick around through pain, that paints the picture of the kind of relationship they want, on their terms, you're just a little pawn in their game. Sod them.
Started facing my avoidance issues and this started popping up in my YT feed. Thanks for talking about it!
And yes, it’s quite hard to live with patterns we didn’t choose and understand it is hurting others.
Aaaaand trying to understand how to overcome this is also hard.
Chris your videos just get better and better every time and yet they are all just as equally significant. You are heaven sent in shining the light on these dark souls. Thank you for setting the truth free for all of us lost souls. You are essential! I always look forward to your next episode 🙏
"Time to embarrass myself." LOL. Thank you for your honesty and showing your vulnerability!
It would've been interesting to know HOW it developed inside of you (your childhood). I know about it since I've studied Psychology and my ex is dismissive-avoidant, too, but maybe other people would like to hear it in a video to gain more understanding and compassion for the root cause and how painful it was as a child since the avoidance later is just a coping mechanism for childhood wounds.
100% my current partner. I have anxious attachment. We are both in therapy and working with each other as a team to learn how to best love one another. Thank you for this video.
Thanks for sharing your personal stories with us. Truly you have come a long way to open up about your past in your videos. 🎉
All of this is very spot on with the guy I'm seeing. Ive heard many of these things and i understand the whys behind it.
How do you/they get past these avoidant behaviors?? That's the million dollar question. What are tools that can be suggested to the DA?
This was a great video and you dis an excellent job of explaining what it looks like amd what it means.
They- THEY- they - must- do - it - you are furnture they sit on, then pitch in the fire
I once dated a guy that I wanted to be in a serious relationship with but he immediately out up the " friend " wall right away, only talked about himself on every date, etc. I saw the flags after he started avoiding me more and more so I ended things between us. I didn't want a relationship of "what if" for the rest of my life so I moved on.
Im a fearful avoidant woman that swings more dismissive. I ended up having an intense friendship with a guy I liked that was probably also fearful avoidant. The things youve named, we’ve both done to each other. Our mutual friends saw our constant avoidant sparring and pointed out the sexual and romantic tension we didn’t know we exuded. We ended up sleeping together and he revealed so much to me in that moment of vulnerability about how he’s always liked me. But then later he pretended ah nah it was a joke. Lucky for me I didn’t get vulnerable like him that night so I laughed it off as “good cause I would never like you like that” we both acted so casually about it that I think it ended our friendship as we both covered feelings for too long. And it’s crazy cause no relationship manifested cause we never chased directly. It’s actually quite miserable… we always self sabotage.
So, I’m in a love with an avoidant who I left over a year ago. My attraction to him was unconscious and immediate. I suspect that even though I’m anxiously attached, I am somewhat avoidant myself. It felt very safe and good for me to love my avoidant partner since I knew that he didn’t expect anything from me or ask for anything either.
That makes sense
The only gift the avoidant I dated ever gave me (in 1 year of dating) was a Picasso painting (not the real thing, a knock-off, of course). When he gave it to me, he stated, "This will do for Christmas AND your birthday." I'm not a materialistic person, but this hurts your feelings! The only other thing he ever "considered" giving me was when he said this, "I was going to get you some flowers...but you probably wouldn't want that..." I was so stunned, I said nothing! What woman doesn't love getting flowers??? And what was I supposed reply --, "Yes, I'd love some"? Then, if he did give them, you'd feel as if you had to beg for them, so what was it worth? All this while saying he was crazy about me and falling in love with me, mind you!! If I ever started to hug him, his entire body would stiffen and he'd back away a little. It was so BIZARRE, I knew something was wrong with him, but didn't know what!!! Who refuses affection from someone they say they are in love with? Doesn't make a bit of sense and it makes you feel horrible! No hand-holding, no casual kiss on the cheek, NO HUGS. MARK AND AVOID, PEOPLE!!! These folks are seriously messed up! NEVER, EVER AGAIN!
I wrote this just for the purpose of warning other people. If the person is genuinely an avoidant, you will suffer tremendously, worse than you can even imagine!!! It kills your spirit to be treated by someone you love that way and that claims to love you. Truly, a soul-crushing experience!! I just adored him!
Are you dating my husband???
@@wizardofaus2985 Lol!! Well, I doubt it because I'm an old woman now and I dated this guy way back when I was a young thing. I'm very sorry for what you've been through, God bless you.
@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 my husband thinks it's creepy if I hug him. He always insists on walking ahead, there is no affection in the marriage- infsct he moved out for the second time nearly a year and a half ago. He blames me for everything and says I'm the reason no one can be close to me... yet his behaviour is so odd.
It honestly makes you feel as if you are the odd one.
@@wizardofaus2985 Don't let him gaslight you like that, please!!! He is most definitely "the odd one" and has a big problem!! And, yes, mine did that "walking ahead of me" thing like that, too. He had strange ways -- as I said, I KNEW something was wrong with him, just couldn't identify what it was, some kind of psychological issue. I also KNEW he did love me, there wasn't a question in my mind. But the guy had big problems!!
Did anyone else experience being provoked by avoidat? When other people say "nah that wasnt provoking" but u feel like it was totally a provocation?? Or at least an attempt from avoidant to trigger you somehow or put you down in subtle way which looks totally innocent in fron of everyone but you sense they are kinda "energetically slapping you" ?
I did. His conversation is either zero words (stonewalling) or just provocation. Definitely nothing constructive.
This guy at work was often talking in front of me or to me about other women, like they are sympathetic, can cook very well, are quick in doing errands, are hardworking, are good with animals, have nice ass, just to make me feel insecure and not good enough as a woman. I didn't know it back then but I know now, knowing him better. And I know it sounds crazy but that's how these types operate,. In my opinion I treated him well all the time, he just or felt in some way rejected or not been getting enough attention or was just deliberately mean and just tried every way to put me down. Maybe I was just happy and self confident and it gave on his nerves. There were other ways more obvious like screaming at me and talking bad about me behind my back and to the boss etc.
@@DZ-jz8bj constantly. It's the way he "discussed".
Yes:(
Yessss, the subtle public passive aggressive put-downs
Wow, so instructive and SO SO SO SO SO hurtful. Poor Cassie!! Unknowing and unreformed DAs are the worst people in the world. Sorry DA guys / gals, but you are. 😆
An interesting avoidant variation is one who manages to get married (not sure how), but then uses that impenetrable shield to start "innocent" emotional affairs with other women they would run from if they were still single. "We're just chatting, it's nothing special," they tell themselves delusionally. How do I know? I just extricated myself from the start of such a situation.
Yes!
My FA is married. Says she’s been gone 4 years they’re in a standoff over who will file. We were old friends in HS so we started talking again. Then developed feelings. But I told him I’m not getting serious with a married man. He says he’ll take care of it as he’s deeply in love. But then he doesn’t. He uses this marriage to hide in so he can have girlfriend experiences but not get serious. I now know likely why she left. But the whole thing is odd. He said they were just friends and she needed financial help so they got married to help her. He didn’t love her so much as it was an arrangement he says. But when she left and no longer needed his help as arranged he got hurt supposedly? Soul ties. He said they lived as man and wife and benefits etc. so yeah gee I wonder why you’d develop feelings about your wife? It’s all bizarre. He says he’s in love with me but can’t be with me. That’s too much. Too intense. He would rather marry another woman to help her again he tells me. Ouch. Like this doesn’t hurt my feelings? I wonder if they have any empathy at all?
@@lisaraper8053sounds manipulative, boundaries are necessary so they can't just do what they like with us
Ok, so it turns out you find yourself in this quagmire. The keeping things casual right from go (happy to have a situationship but not a relationship), the micro-gifting, and the suddenly massively increased emotional distance. Besides everyone else's overwhelming advice here to run the other way, what's a constructive way to bring it up? Is there a way to say "Hey, i see you. I get what you're doing. Do you actually want out or are you just not able to show me / too scared to admit you want in?" - Obviously you wouldn't say it that way, but essentially as someone in their orbit, romantically or with romantic hopes, that's what you want to know. Are you out or are you trying to be in but struggling to get there? Any pointers for having that conversation?
I dated a dude once with the whole “we are friends” and I would just mirror that and eventually he broke down and confessed he wanted more but then I left
Can you do a video on 2 avoidants dating? I've been in a situationship for 3 years now and it feels safe, we both reject each other whenever dating comes up or we feel too close but could never see my life without him and neither does he. It's confusing, our push keeps bringing us closer which pushes us away more which brings us even closer, never-ending cycle.
My avoidant ex will always have a place in my heart. I’m not mad. He hurt me so badly I was absolutely crushed. But he has his own pain and I can’t be mad when someone can only do their best which is filled with unresolved pain. I avoid anger just understand we’re all just human beings and it’s tough being human sometimes.
I feel so horrible for the way I act towards him. Almost everything in this video is what I do. I’m not trying to hurt anyone it’s just this destructive cycle that happens. We’re not all narcissists just confused. Please don’t run away from us.😢
I’m the same way. Don’t feel bad. It’s good to watch videos like this to understand yourself and how this affects other people around you.
I'm sorry. While I understand the issues that you have to deal with, you have to understand how painful it is for us to love someone who can't truly love back.
I hope you heal from your wounds. I hope you can find true happiness. Please stop allowing fear to run your life. ❤
Pick up better habits. Only you can take the action.
How much time should someone spend feeling rejected not good enough and not special ? while trying to do the opposite for that person - trying hard to make them see you care they are special and accepted. It’s not exactly fair and no certainty that it will ever change. I understand the hurt that they must’ve endured but doesn’t mean others need to now feel that pain. Patterns must become obvious at some point for these people and address it otherwise it is intentional.
Same, the cycle is killing me. I don't know if i would act the same way in the future if someone treated me nice again. I never want to be an avoidant. I just want to be normal and not hurt any of my friends which i don't have now.
First i thought i was an immature, then a narcissist and now THIS! an AVOIDANT 😭😭
When i was a kid i thought i don't belong anywhere. And now that I'm an adult, i still don't belong anywhere than being alone. From what i see Avoidants shouldn't be befriend😭😭
Thank you so much for this video. You have no idea how helpful it is to me so I can understand the man I love.
My man shows love through physical touch. He always looks me deep in the eyes, always wants to see my face. It's quite lovely actually how fragile he is. I wish I could help him even more, but I think I'm doing really great.
Often hurtful esp if they don’t want to work on themselves. Want to be chased and loved regardless of the lack of effort.
These people are so complicated. It's exhausting.
Absolutely.seems like you have to take a course,or study on how to deal with them,just to much
#1 You should clarify that this is not the same as not immediately jumping into a relationship but being friends first. Wanting to get to know someone as a person before getting involved is not avoidant. It's smart. Regarding gifts though, ive seen a fearful avoidant give away a give i gave. And a dismissive avoidant gift me a tea strainer for my first Christmas gift of all things. Avoidants are peculiar people. It's counterintuitive because they're trying to blend into the wallpaper but drawing unwanted attention to themselves instead.
Mine gives me fist pumps. We meet for friendly chats. (And it's honestly way deeper than that! He bares his soul to me. He fully exposes his issues and his body to me. It ends it with him ringing me as soon as we have parted; like an addict or something). But every time we get close it's wonderful and then I get punished right after with no contact and then sorry and a bunch of excuses why they havent been in touch and talk about how they have terrible relationships with friends, family and loved ones in general. Everything is victim mentality. I've never heard sorry so many times from one person in my life! He loves to be spooned. I know that he runs from the connection and it's due to a childhood trauma he told me about. He doesn't like to let anybody get close but consistently tests whether they will forgive him or not. He let his mum down like 30 years ago by not attending her last moments being alive and his father punished him. I think he relives this by causing conflict and scenarios where he self sabotages and then gets forgiven over and over again.
They truly are so complexed, we can frame it also as chronic flight mode, they are so traumatised that they need a partner who is almost a therapist in essence, and should also be to their liking - i.e perfect -
And let's face it, the odds of them finding this perfect trinket who will also feel safe for them, stay with them, sacrifice needs, put them in the center of the relationship as they deeply crave, like children in a way, it will not happen, and if it will, they will ditch this perfect person too, probably for a new shiny dysfunctional partner, it is the newness...
Dating an avoidant is like walking a landmine field -
They are so deeply damaged yet so smart at times, they will find each and every trap for you to fall to,
Like a video game, you will have to go through countless arcs and portals, to perform to win their trust, only for them do discard you.
What s tragedy. So many of them should avoid the dating pool and stay alone, and stop doing experiments on people's hearts.
Thank you for sharing ❤
Kinda strange .. an avoidant will ditch the true love for a dysfunctional disaster.. My My 😅
@@AABTBS well said and agreed. I could go on and on about the stuff they do. They are seemingly cloned from the same consciousness. Leave these people or they will drain you of all your life joy and spirit over time.
They are arrogant in essence.
All true comments. They claim to want the perfect partner or that one good woman but when they get it, it is still not enough. They self sabotage a lot.
Professional help unconditional love n patience can help n heal an avoidant heart
Damn, i hope so.
Had a deep conversation with her. I pray she'll get the help she needs
A good thing would be to finally break free of getting attached to avoidants. I recently started looking into attachment theory and I understand now that whenever my heart was broken it was by an avoidant. I have avoidant tendencies as well, I see what it's like to be afraid of losing yourself or getting your trust betrayed. But I see that and work on that and also I am very anxious so I am more FA, I think which is a special hell on earth in itself. Yet, I keep getting emotionally attached to avoidants, though the only case when this is worth it is when such person is doing their work to become more secure. I feel for them but it's not my business no heal them. And yet every time I fall in love, it's with an avoidant.
Here come the comments of all the anxious insecure people blaming all their issues on avoidants.
If your attracted to avoidants then look inside. Only you can heal yourself.
People with insecure attachment styles always look to others to blame their issues on. This is part of the reason people avoid you.
@@EmilyLola-r2q
You act as if people even know that avoidants exist. I'd never heard of a person that outwardly seemed so warm and lovable and for a few weeks perfectly normal. But by then, you've developed strong feelings. Then it starts out little and vague, so you adjust because you care. Slowly the wall appears and you feel like I'm not really getting closer than arms length emotionally. So I casually mentioned it a year in. That's when the games begin, and they Ghost you one day and move a loser in the next. This is nobody's fault but the avoidants. Cruel and inhumane.
THIS COMMENT!!! 💯🔥
@@ServantOfYHWH For a servant of Jesus Christ, you're pretty passive aggressive and callous. I'll pray for you.
So, deflecting, generalizing, emotional invalidation, and blame shifting is any better? This is the reason people avoid YOU, too. (I am not an anxious type, but I can feel empathy for anyone who has been hurt badly. It takes *LOVE FOR OTHER PEOPLE* to stop toxicity like yours.)
Bruh💀 a friendly reminder that an avoidant attachment style IS an insecure attachment style as well lol
My gf literally refusing gifts rn…
Not her giving me an “extra” pair of sunglasses that happened to match my aesthetic.
I think it’s worse when you end up chasing an avoidant. Just for them to throw your efforts back in your face because they caused a shift in your attachment style from secure to anxious. They rarely take any accountability and even then they’re still set in their decisions.
But Chris, if this is how they treat people when they are interested, how do avoidants treat those they do not have any interest? What's the difference?
They won't feel nervous around them because it's just like a friend or anyone else. If they're attracted to the person they feel worried it's going to cause them pain so they prepare themselves.
They treat everyone else normally since their defense mechanism isn't triggered. An avoidant can and will find time for seemingly everyone else but their interest
That's pretty weird, almost like avoidants are NPC's running on a program... unconsciously playing out roles
Everyone is in their own way
That was INVALUABLE. Thank you Chris Thank you so much. And hats of for rising above it all.
The AI illustrations are some of the most beautiful and haunting I've ever seen - congratulations for this as well. Hell of a prompt you must have dished out!
This avoidant I was with wanted commitment until I started reciprocating that feeling and he just ghosted me then a month later he told me he ran away because he got scared of commitment😂😂😂😂 and I know he liked me very much but it’s sad that they fuck up good things and relationships because they are mentally effed in the head
Good and great stuff my man! I appreciate you and your wisdom 🙏💪❤️
Over 10 years dancing with an avoidant. I’m sticking around and don’t regret it. As I’ve mentioned before I oddly have both avoidant and anxious attachment characteristics. He also “has stuck around”. To be continued
That's the curse of being a hopeful needy person, you will get their traits. Been there done that. You will lose your noble nature of hope and become negative unfortunately
@@wolfcreek8484 couldn’t be more optimistic! Sorry it didn’t work out for you
Can you please develop? Did you get enough from the connection in these 10 yrs? Sounds like an awful lot. I'm 2 yrs into my situationship with the DA who calls me his gf, but he couldn't care less if I died. No curiosity to see how I'm doing, almost zero communication. But he won't call it off.
i was an avoidant they will not change for you it's not about you it's about them hiding themself being too bad and them wanting to address who they really are. they suppress it so much and hide it some much you won't make them face it. especially because you are so loving and kind. what will make them change is unknown we cannot pinpoint this happening.
i know it's hard to leave but you need to love yourself and realise these people hate them self and will just give you hate. free yourself and trust you can handel them going i have ket go from an avoidant it was hard but their love is a mirage
Both avoidant and anxious- are you by chance an Aquarius?
Thank you. Great insight. I’m new to all of this and it’s greatly appreciated.
I dated a DA once but didn't know the problem at the time. Watching these videos the relationship now makes sense. It's been 40 years and I'm still befuddled. Her? Numerous failed marriages and relationships.
Exactly
Avoidant here 🙋🏼♀️ I’m trying to fix this because this is the second heart I’ve broken, but the second time I warned him about my attachment style and kept trying to hit the breaks in it moving fast.
How do we avoid avoidants”😂😂😂😂
Walk away from ppl who don’t know what they want
By keeping their distance. ;)
don't chase. is that simple. because if you don''t chase, nothing will come out of it, because they surely will not engage
My avoidant gf always ends up telling me she loves me after intense physical intimate moments. Which always catches me off guard because she is always so careful to not use that type of language otherwise. So that part of physical touch being their love language is very interesting 🤔
We first slept together 17 years ago and right afterwards he said, “I’m not a good guy, Shannon.” Then when we started dating again 14 years later he said, “I’m f-ed up in romantic relationships and I don’t want to hurt you.” It reminded me of Bruce Banner in, “The Incredible Hulk” warning people of his transformation or a werewolf telling the girl to run before it’s too late.
I also got him a couple of small gifts and it took days for him to even acknowledge that he got them because it clearly made him feel extremely uncomfortable. Not exactly the same but similar relationship with gift giving and receiving.
Did you run, or what?
@@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 the first time we both ended up with other people for a decade and the second time, it’s been three and a half years where he still has issues around closeness and vulnerability but we work through it, have fun together and I’m open to meeting someone else but live in another state and am really involved with my career so it hasn’t happened yet.
Are you still together, now?
@@MayBlake_Channel depends on how you define, “together”. Haha yeah, we still spend time together but I’ve detached from the idea that he can ever be capable of more. We’ve been friends for 17 years or I wouldn’t be here. Also I’m 51 and not trying to get married and have kids and I never meet anyone else I’m attracted to - I’m very career focused now, trying to get financial stability happening, and have a very full life so I’m happy independent of him. I live in another state, seven hours away. But I wouldn’t recommend to someone who really wants a committed partnership.