autistic meltdowns and shutdowns (my experience)
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- Опубликовано: 18 май 2024
- I talk a bit about what autistic meltdowns and shutdown are, and debunk some negative stereotypes about them, as well as share my own experience of shutdowns and meltdowns. I also show a chart I made of my shutdown symptoms.
00:00 intro
00:32 debunking negative stereotypes
02:41 causes of meldowns and shutdowns
06:48 external and internal stressors
12:45 what is an autistic meltdown?
14:41 my autistic meltdown experience
17:37 what is a shutdown?
19:02 my autistic shutdown intensity scale
22:59 what is helpful during a shutdown or meltdown?
27:41 conclusion and thanks
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millie's Autistic Shutdown Phases chart
www.cherrymintrose.com/post/m...
'Meltdowns & shutdowns' article on embraceautism.com
embrace-autism.com/meltdowns-...
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If you would like to ask me a question to be answered in a future video and more information about this project, here is the link to the anonymous form:
www.cherrymintrose.com/ask-mi...
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Support me:
ko-fi.com/cherrymintrose
Hi, i'm millie!
I am autistic and ADHD, and I'm trying to leave the world in slightly better shape than when I found it. I am working towards this goal by focusing my life energy and experience as disabled and neurodivergent into disability advocacy work.
If you like what I am doing and would like to support me to be able to continue doing it then any contribution, however small will help make that happen, and you will help me get closer to my dream of a society that is more accepting and appreciative of neurodivergent people and people with disabilities.
Thank you.
Ive only recently discovered how much my autism has effected my livelihood.
I would shut down during lunch breaks. Put my head on my knees and sit absolutely still throughout the entire lunch periods.
I would get overstimulated on the noisy, dusty and uncomfortable bus I took to school every day, i would get off the bus and walk 10km home-not even entering the school.
I never really thought about why I did this. I felt overwhelmed and uncomfortable and knew that the school day would be hell if it tried to push through. But I never questioned why I was uncomfortable on the bus in the first place.
I also experienced something I called "light blindness", the sun or even just a bright day would be completely blinding to me.
There were times were I genuinely saw nothing but white in my vision, usually overstimulated by noise or a crowd at the time.
I originally thought that this meant I needed prescription glasses. I did need glasses, but that didnt solve my light blindness.
Theres countless things across my life that now I see were all autism related.
Im 20 years old now, and with my first proper job. Ive started to fall apart.
Ive never been evaluated for autism. My dad has it, and I suspect my mother has it as well.
I've realised that while I'm sensitive to stress, I often also don't realise how much stress I'm under. It's a difficult thing to explain to non ND people.
For me it's from being undiagnosed and ignoring my mass levels of stress until my body shuts down and I end up in burnout for 6months-year. Now I have to literally learn like a baby to acknowledge my feelings, assess my stressors, and apply a self care/rest routine.
Now I try to identify what the stressor might be, then I acknowledge that it is stressing me, then it's straight to the rest and self-care. Even though it's the last thing I want to do. Dark room. No phone. Isolated rest. Earplugs. If I don't intervene, it will devolve rapidly. 😂 I really relate with needing a space to eat lunch. Eating around people is hard enough nvm being crowded and overloaded on your only downtime. That's Autistic/ADHD hell.
I, like lots of us, really struggle with my mind body connection. A lot of the time I'm literally trying to figure out what I feel or why I might feel that way. It takes time for my brain to catch up with my body and vice versa. Which makes it so hard to forsee when I meltdown might occur. I can do my self care and rest all I want but some meltdowns are unavoidable. We are left with 'fight or flight' to the extreme. We have to either let it out or we have to run and let it out alone (if we even can).
Meltdowns for me now are pacing, crying, hyperventilating, repeating myself, sometimes hitting myself on the head BC I can't get words out, sometimes it's sitting on the floor making noise and rocking back and forth BC I just can't process anything at all. Everyone's looks different. We shouldn't be ashamed for the things that we cannot help. Thank you for this video and for being so open and vulnerable about this difficult topic. ❤
Thanks for watching and sharing so much of your experience! You have a lot of insight into yourself and I relate to pretty much everything you said.
Thats such a good point about the mind body lag. I feel like after something happened, maybe a meltdown or difficult social interaction, I can have a lot of insight about it, but it's so difficult to recognize or do something about it in the moment. It's getting a bit easier over time.
thank you for this video. i rarely experience meltdowns (maybe three in the last few years?) - usually i shut down. for me there's two kinds. the first is what happens when i'm in public, and it's like my executive functioning just shuts off and making myself talk or do anything other than fidget/scroll on my phone without really looking at anything/dig my nails into my skin just feels impossible. it sucks because i look like i'm just being antisocial or grumpy or sulking, but i'm actually emotionally overwhelmed and/or overstimulated. the second is what happens when i get through an overwhelming event, or was overstimulated for a period of time and have now got out of it, and it's like my brain and body force me to rest - most recently i was at a protest, and the weather was hot, and i got through all that and walked 40 minutes to get home feeling horrible but able to do stuff, and i showered, and then i was like "god i need to lie down" and i just... couldn't get up again for a couple of hours. all sounds were too loud, the light from my phone screen hurt my eyes but i felt too emotionally fragile to let my mind wander so i needed the distraction, and i knew i needed to get up soon to go to a choir rehearsal but i just physically couldn't make myself. it's more than tiredness, it's like half my body and brain functions have been turned off.
on the rare occasions when i melt down, it basically just looks like crying for ages. i'm very lucky that it doesn't involve lashing out or hurting myself/others in any way - it looks more like a panic attack or anxiety attack i think, and i'm still not 100% sure i can tell the difference.
i do more shut down type stuff, every now and then I will have a meltdown and get super angry.
thanks for sharing! everyone seems to have a difference balance of one or the other more
Ha! I never thought being overstressed by injustices could be part of the autistic traits. Btw I'm in the process of getting diagnosis so I might talk about this on my next appointment. Others things you said so far that resonate to me are the competing sounds, especially in social circles in noisy places, everyone seems happy and I'm always a step behind on the conversations which makes me feel isolated. I also have a hard time to make decisions. Anyway, thank you for sharing your experience on this, this video deserves more attention :)
thanks so much I appreciate that this was helpful to you 🙂. Good luck with your diagnosis process, that is intense to go through. That extra time to process and understand can feel very socially isolating yes. It's hard to try to deal with lessening the noise and balance that with actually trying to understand what people are saying. I wish everyone had subtitles like in show and movies!
@@cherrymintrose haha I love the reference to subtitles. Indeed I like adding subtitles to make sure I don't miss a single word of what is being said
My meltdowns aren't angry exactly. They can come from anger but they can also be more like grief.
I don't think that the fight, flight, flee, or fawn (I hate that descriptor) really applies to me. I've heard it lots, but it seems like a neurotypical analog.
I listened to your descriptions of meltdowns in your podcast interview recently! I think the anger is more an external perception labeling of what is happening maybe? Even to me it feels more like that i'm terrified in that moment and i just wants the scary thing to stop. But now that you mention it, i think grief does make sense as well....interesting. Like grief coming out of injustice maybe?
That's fair if those descriptors don't resonate with you. I'd be interested to hear about what those escalated states feel like to you?
Thanks for your thoughts! 🙂
That makes a lot of sense to me!
@@cherrymintrose I very rarely feel anger. I feel pain and I turn it inwards. I shut down waaaaay more than meltdown. It's utter overwhelm and no words and not knowing what to do about it. It can take days to recover. But I have deleted my FB page several tiomes due to it but mostly due to fear of bullying. I totally relate. I'm 59 and on a 4 year waiting list for assessment.
Wow. I couldn't take in everything. Less than a month since I discovered I am autistic. I am 58. As you spoke, so many meltdowns and shutdowns flashed through my mind. Just learning to unmask. My feet would start flapping wildly at some memories. Thanks. It helps. Need to sort this shit out
Congratulations on your discovery and the journey of learning about yourself! Thanks for taking the time to watch.
It's fascinating hey that once you have the words for those experiences that all these past memories kind of click into place and make more sense. 🙂
Thank you for this video, I can relate so well to this. I think it’s helpful to hear others experience to get useful words so I can explain this to myself and my closest ones.
I’ve never realized until lately that I actually have meltdowns, but only when I’m alone. Like I have to rant or something when I get inside, like I have so much frustration built up, sometimes hitting a pillow or something, never hurting myself/anyone or breaking things. When others are around I just shut down.
I usually shut down when I’m with my partner for too long, even after a couple of hours. I can’t process anymore, don’t have the energy or patience to listen to him talking anymore, can’t speak, can’t be touched, it’s like there’s so much energy in my skin. It’s just so hard for me to be in a relationship for all kinds of reasons, and I’ve come to the conclusion I have to end this for both of our sakes. I need so much freedom and so much quiet alone time to function my best.
Thank you for making this video. I’m trying to understand my meltdowns better so I can identify stress triggers and be able to communicate what I’m feeling to my partner and family.
I'm glad it is helpful to you! Thanks for watching. Trying to figure out those triggers takes ages and so much work but good on you for putting the work of communicating your needs...its really hard to do.
If you can have access to a neurodivergent counsellor or occupational therapist, I think that is what's helped me the most over the last couple years, but I realize that it's difficult for a lot of us, because it's expensive and finding the right person to help you is difficult.
I really appreciate this video, thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts!
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for taking the time to watch!
Thank you ,this is very helpful
Thank you for finding the words to share, and I love the graphs, I think I'll try to make my own graphs like that!
Thanks, that would be great if you made some, i'd love to see if you end up sharing 🙂
hey thanks, by the way. i didnt have an words for this...i masked so well i didnt even find out until i pieced it together for myself, so im very new to all of this and it really explains alot, so... thank you, i know personally ow much effort and time this took with the tools provided lol
thanks for watching! and yes lol people don't realize even how effort even a seemingly simple video takes.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I relate that I didn't even realize I was masking, for most of my life...i didn't have the words to describe the experience.
Great video!😁
This Sat is my test and right up until this video I could not explain or even recognize the difference between a meltdown and a shutdown. Thank you for your explanation because it made perfect sense to me and perhaps I will be able to identify which I am experiencing next time. These are the small steps in the right direction that put my mind back on track and help me to know I am making progress, however small. I appreciate you beyond words (at least any that my brain can think of right now :o)
Thank you, i'm glad I could help a bit! Sometimes I don't know how much sense i'm actually making so this feedback helps 🙂
15:30 it feels like im a puppet and something else has the strings... i kept repeating i never said that... and im a shutdown kind of guy, i escape reality through books, games, media ect...and reality is pain, pain sucks, so...
I appreciate your video! I have a family member with Autism and this is really helpful😊❤
I wasn’t able to see the link to your chart. How do I find it?
Thanks for watching, i'm glad this was helpful to you!
The link to the chart is in the video description, or you can go directly here 🙂:
www.cherrymintrose.com/post/millies-autistic-meltdown-phases-chart
Great stuff! Thank u for sharing. Has it happened that you had to help/look after another autistic person when they go thru one of these episodes?
Thanks! Yes both are fairly common, some people have more meltdowns than shutdowns or the opposite, everyone is different of course. But yes from spending time with peers this does happen from time to time. I feel like we are usually good at supporting each other though.
Do you think we stay at a higher base level because of the obstacles (ie BS) that we deal with constantly day to day
yes I think I see it now more and more as this constant at the very least stressors, if not actual trauma, that can keep us in a state of constant hypervigelance. So that constantly looking at things as being a threat to my safety. That is how i feel a lot of the time
Would it be fair to say that a temper tantrum is something one does whereas a meltdown is something that happens to one? I might be autistic/ADHD, based on all the stuff that sounds so familiar, but at the same time I feel like a fraud claiming I am. So, keeping that in mind, I think the biggest problem right after the actual experience of a meltdown, is the feeling of 'putting it on' when you know you're not, but you have that feeling because you 'know' that anyone around believes that it is a 'put on'. Or is that perhaps the result of lifelong masking? no masking possible in a meltdown...
Yes as far as I understand it I think you have a good way of putting it!🙂 In the example of a child and a temper tantrum, that's more of trying to get what they want. But yes autistic meltdown is something not wanted and caused by a mix of overwhelming inputs. I understand what you mean about feeling like a fraud. Of course you shouldn't have to feel that way and I feel that way sometimes as well, but it's basically internalized ableism caused by people shaming us and not believing us our whole lives.
Even though I try to be confident in these videos, internally I still feel bad for having a meltdown, even though I (and others) shouldn't have to feel bad and I wish people could me more supportive and understanding!
I think having masked for a long time does contribute to this as well, because to others it looks like I am ok, even though i'm really not, but people can't tell until it's too late. I'm trying to learn to communicate when things are not going well before it gets to that point but it's difficult for sure.
Being married to a man on the spectrum who has meltdown over just about everything is more traumatizing than my 21 year marriage to a diagnosed narcissist, a lifelong alcoholic or any other of my toxic, abusive relationships.
Nothing like a 6’ 3” grown man acting like a 3yo child. And they are exactly tantrums.
The number of women across the world that have developed Cassandra Syndrome from autistic men that love bombed and masked until the women were in too deep to then turn into complete monsters is staggering.
this is not really an appropriate comment to leave on a video of an autistic person talking about her experience. meltdowns are not tantrums, and autistic people are not monsters as you imply in your second comment.
@@achilleus9918 a lot of them are, and those are MY experiences. Grown men throwing tantrums like a toddler. Many, especially men, are extremely narcissistic and even have sociopathic behaviors. To say that these people can't help themselves or their behaviors is ridiculous.
woah your proper mental rocking back and forth
not sure what you mean? I do like rocking though (as part of stimming)