reflections on turning 40 as an autistic adult
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- Опубликовано: 1 июн 2024
- I made this video shortly after turning 40, so I wanted to reflect on my 20s and 30s. My 30s especially is been a decade of self discovery and where most of my major diagnoses (ASD, ADHD, PTSD) happened as well as when most of my gender transition happened.
I am in a time of big changes so that means high anxiety at the moment but I have lots of exciting (and scary) things happening soon that I will share when I am settled again.
00:00 - intro
00:07 - turning 40 as a neurodivergent person
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Hi, i'm millie!
I am autistic and ADHD, and I'm trying to leave the world in slightly better shape than when I found it. I am working towards this goal by focusing my life energy and experience as disabled and neurodivergent into disability advocacy work.
If you like what I am doing and would like to support me to be able to continue doing it then any contribution, however small will help make that happen, and you will help me get closer to my dream of a society that is more accepting and appreciative of neurodivergent people and people with disabilities.
Thank you.
I definitely relate to the seeing thoughts in a sort of vapor and having to talk fast so you don’t lose connections
thank you for sharing this. as an undiagnosed neurodivergent person, life so far has felt like a confusing and unending fiery hellscape. It makes me feel hopeful to see a neurodivergent person older than me that has found clarity and community/support.
Oof yeah I feel you on 'confusing and unending fiery hellscape'. But yes I have found some clarity, I just wish (for me and for others) that we wouldn't have to learn everything the hard (traumatic) way!
But yes i do like that part of getting older...that some things about myself just start to make more sense. Thanks for watching!
Grats on your move, birthday, and amazing hair!! I love the pink sooooo much!! I do like the free-form style. I can follow it just fine and I relate to much of what you talked about. My life isnt the same, of course, but so much is familiar. Like how it took me so much time to get myself anchored and enjoying being alive. I wish you well on your move and your trip. Also, whenever you have some music down I would love to hear it!!!
Yay thanks! Haha yeah it's so fun to have coloured hair. Even if i'm having a bad day catching a glimpse of it makes me feel a bit better.
Good to know you can follow what i'm saying, thanks, sometimes i'm not sure.
Yay for enjoying being alive! It's not always the easiest thing. 🙂
Thanks, Millie. I have very bad memories (every day) of shutdowns in front of colleagues. Glad I found you. Pete.
Thanks for sharing. I'm about the same age and had some similar experiences of trying to live out the cis-het life in my 20s and struggling with a lot of issues normal doctors brushed me off. At about 30 I kind of had a breakdown and started living as a woman and felt a lot better and also found a lgbt clinic who didn't brush me off. Got through most of the awkward trans stuff and feel like I can blend in now as a woman and hoping I can make the best of my 40s. My parents disowned me but thankfully I managed to keep my IT job which helped provide stability during all this.
thankyou for sharing. you are much smarter than some of us
Thanks for watching!
Haha i don't know, i mean yes in some ways i'm smart, but other ways not so much! But i'm trying to use my skills to help a bit if i can. ADHD meds helped me so much with writing and speaking. I don't think I ever could have had a channel like this before.
thank you but I am not very smart I am not stupid but far from being smart.
I appreciate your candor.
Lol, of course I went over the time I was giving myself. I find that the hardest thing, is not saying too many things. That's why I normally have notes.
Even going over time I wanted to talk in more detail about these major self discoveries in my 30s, but the plan is eventually to make a video about each of them, so those will be coming in more detail eventually!
Let me know if you like this format of more just free flow ideas. I will still make mostly structured videos though, if I'm trying to make a point or explain something. But I want to make a few more that are more about storytelling and reflecting as well.
Also, let me know if you like the 4:3 aspect ratio? Or if you didn't notice or don't care? 😉
The free flow chat was good, I also liked your other type of video too.
I think you did well, The content was more important than sticking to a time-frame. It was clear even though it wasn't rehearsed.
I'm in my 60s and some aspects of my life have gotten better and others haven't. I've gotten back to doing things I love and have lost friends in the process because when push came to shove they really didn't support me. My last one seemed invested in viewing me as washed up and actually took steps to stand in the way of my plans and goals by intentionally not helping me in a simple way that she could have despite the fact that I was trying to make it convenient for her as possible. She became increasingly distant and cancelled plans on me several times over about a year, then after my dog died of old age and I was beginning to come out of my grief and hopeful about getting a new puppy and asked if next time we got together if she could take me to pick up a dog pen at a store that is closer to her she basically sent me a mean DM saying that I shouldn't spend the money for it, arguing with my choice of dog breed, and that I wasn't worth her time, shitting on the plans that make me happy, and then when I asked her why she'd changed, her response was "Sorry you are that way" (I think she meant "sorry you feel that way" but left the typo because her intent was to deflect the source of the problem and put it on me although I had not been the one giving HER the cold shoulder). It is painful when you find out that someone really doesn't like you afterall and doesn't value you and what you stand for. I've had way too many experiences like that with people I thought were my friend. It has never ended well no matter how much I try to make it work on my end. On top of the autism I have physical disabilities and have found that after awhile people here locally just lose interest because they have preconceived notions of what I can or can't do and somehow view me as beneath them.
I am certified for a home care service and most of those aids don't last very long. They are often abusive or negligent and not really in the field for the right reasons and are more interested in being on their phone than helping. One stole money off my debit card for her own purposes, then called and harassed me when I reported it.
I've pretty much given up on any permanent people in my life. Most of my family has passed away, and those still living really don't want a relationship. I'm tired of wanting connection more than the other person and being let down so finally just said screw it; I'll stay to myself rather than go through this crap over and over again, and I am pretty much a hermit now, and most likely that's how it will be. I don't want relationships with others to keep bursting my bubble and throwing me off kilter. I have hobbies and animals I enjoy and as long as people don't F with me I remain pretty content. I deal with people online along those interests and that's the extent of it. I'm glad others have a good support system but it's never worked for me in the long-term. It has taken me a long time to stop putting up with crap from people just to have friends, but I'd rather be alone than to give them that kind of power over me. The trade-off, I have found, is just not worth my peace of mind. For alot of years I think I settled for less because I thought that's what everybody did. There's a fine line between compromise and compromising yourself. That is what I've learned. When I was younger I was naive and thought everybody I made friends with was wonderful and had the best of intentions, oblivious to the fact that people's motives aren't always what it seems on the surface and their love is not unconditional. Their perception would change (or their facade would crumble) and when they stopped being polite that was usually a signal they were done with me. For a long time I didn't see it and kept trying to cultivate those relationships long past their expiration date. Sometimes no matter what you do you can't make things work because the problem is not with you. I often used to feel fatally flawed and so I didn't realize that it wasn't always my autism that was the source of the problem. I got involved with people who over time I realized had their own issues but it took me years to realize that if something was their own perception I couldn't fix it no matter what changes I made.
This just got recommended to me, thanks for sharing. I'm 21 and I often think about age, I still feel way behind my peers and wonder if I'll just always feel like this
O boy good luck with your move. It was very nice to hear your perspective about your 20s and 30s. I'm 34. I do feel like I've grown a lot, also in a way maybe I'm only at the beginning of coming to know mys lf
A really beautiful flow of consciousness video Milly. Happy belated birthday!
Thank you! 😊
I am having trouble transitioning out of my parents house, into a job. I am 34. Some of it is my own doing, and being pretty anti-social towards my parents, and towards certain authorities (middle and upper level supervisors......at least in the past....it's somewhat consistent), at any job site. It is incredibly hard. Establishing any sort of monetary base is incredibly hard. Not only does it mean doing things I don't want to do, or that involved being in the heat, rain, and snow. It means a) Being nice to people who are outright mean to me, and don't have any common interests relative to me. b) Being extra nice around any manager or supervisor (no exceptions). c) Being nice to customers (I guess this is reasonable). d) (I didn't even think about this for a long time) Save money, and build wealth.
I am 65 was first diagnosed at age 9 (again at age 17,39,and in 2020 every time told autistic) and I still do not understand why so many adults are having troubles with autism as they get older I don't know if it is because my mind thinks like a kid or maybe because I still do stuff I always have since i was a kid. But I do not have any troubles I have sometimes meltdowns and still have troubles with sounds and bright lights but I am fine the way i am.
You seem like you have a really good relationship to yourself! That's really wonderful. I used to not like myself so much but now that i'm being truer to myself I like myself a lot more.
A lot of the shame and difficulty often comes from how i'm treated, and it's often things that could be avoided if people had more education and empathy about the autistic experience I feel.
I also really like still doing a lot of the things I did as a kid. I think a lot of neurotypical adults wish they could still play and have fun like that so I think that's one of the better things about being autistic for sure.
I been through a lot my birth parents was ashamed I was autistic nobody ever talked about it. Then in 2020 my adopted my became dathly ill insted of putting my adopted to think they had to do anything I went back to birth family I not seen in over 20 years boy did I learn fast. the older sister I MOVED IN WITH i DID NOT KNOW WAS A NARISSIEST PSYCHOPATH IT WAS A LIVING HELL 3 MONTHS WITH HER. sHE TOOK ALL MY MONEY HAD MY LITTLE DOG PUT DOWN ABUSED ME AND MY OTHER DOG AND CAT. hAD TO FIGHT TO GET MY DOG AND CAT BACK TOOK ME 5 MONTHS TO GET MY 20 YES 20 YR OLD CAT BOTH MY DOG AND CAT WERE VERY BADLY ABUSED BOTH WAY UNDER WASIGHT TOENAILS ALMOST TO PADS OR TOUCHING THEM. cops WOULD DO NOTHING AT ALL NOTHING. i AM BACK WITH MY ADOPTED FAMILY OUT OF STATE SAFE AWAY FROM CRAZY FAMILY. sorry caps anyways I never once got depressed stressed out frustrated yes but I am great happy and have lots support and love here. I have 3 sisters still alive 2 of them crazy just evil things. I did not know narcissist were in the family and the older one WOW she creepy talks to invisbal people and I wake up in middle night she be at the foot my bed staring at me with this creepy look scared the beegees out of me. She was always telling me people are after her. But I am good she did not brake my spirit my adopted dad who went with my mom into a home due to her dying he wanted to be with her. He said I am a very strong person strong willed. I not know but I know this I will never give up till I get justice for my dog she killed. I am thinking of starting a podcast telling my story my cousin will help me if i decide to start one.@@cherrymintrose
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I miss the adult ND support group 😥
yeah it was short but super sweet! i miss it too. Good peeps. Fun times.
That was lovely ❤.
A pink mullet
LOVE the pink mullet.