Stop Defending Yourself when You're not Guilty.
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- Опубликовано: 23 май 2018
- It's time to stop defending yourself when it comes to other people in your life who don't understand you. Sometimes we find ourself in a situation where we've done nothing wrong and we're defending ourself. Often we've found ourself in this situation before with this same person. The last time you may have felt as though you went through war to prove your innocence. '
It's time to stop the defense cycle and move on with your life.
Within this video I am offering you the 6 reasons to stop defending yourself against another's false allegations.
When we allow others to talk badly, to badger, and to judge us negativity, and then make us feel as if we need to defend ourself, this is not a good friendship. Often because of the way we were raised we feel as though their behavior is normal when it's not. A good solid friendship allows another person to be innocent before guilty. 
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Any time I find myself starting to defend myself I just stop. Even in mid-sentence or thought. I just stop and don't even say why I've stopped talking. I just refuse to have to do this anymore. There are some people that want to constantly put you in a defensive position so that they can watch you go through the pain of defending yourself against something they have created in their own mind.
If there are new people that I talk to and they start to do this. I will let them know that I will no longer defend myself against whatever it is they want to badger me about or to shame or guilt me. I ask them to stop and tell them that I am not going to have conversations where I'm talking blue in the face and trying to point by point explain my decision or action.
Unless of course I have truly done something wrong and I have been asked to explain why. In these cases, I will say I'm sorry and apologize for my poor choices, actions or behaviors. When someone has a totally legit issue with something that is obviously something I have done to upset, wrong or cause pain. I will do whatever it takes to explain the who, what, when, where, why and how.
But someone who is just manipulating, insecure in their own skin and projecting their issues onto me. I don't do that game any more. Ride closed. Sorry.
Good job brother. Ppl that do that don't understand that constant stress and fear of speaking your mind is deadly. Honestly maybe they do know and its why they do it. If thats the case its best to get as far away as possible cause this is the type of person that will lie about you to make others think and treat you differently.
Amazingly said
Spot on! Especially how childhood influences groom us to think this behavior is normal. Double hurtful when you are a sensitive person and loved them. The only thing that worked was walking out, refusing to engage, and eventually going no contact. The breaking point was being reduced to tears. I was a Marine and successful business owner. Being reduced to tears so offended my dignity that I determined I did not deserve this and would not take it anymore. She enjoyed doing it, and I knew that was sick.
I can relate to the being reduced to tears..I’d sit there and be like here we go again and just break down..nothing else in this world would make me cry except that now ex running me around in circles
This describes my relationship EXACTLY. I’m chuckling about the comments on your other video from the mob of bpd’s,...there is a reason why it’s a personality disorder, because it severely affects their ability to have healthy intimate relationships. It is a disability that affects relationships. And for a bpd to not recognize that is very characteristic of bpd, so that response is to be expected. I am sorry if anyone takes this personally, because it is not personal. I am not condemning bpd’s as bad people. I am saying that it affects relationships. It affects the people who love you. And there is nothing mild about that affect. AND, yes, we wouldn’t be with you if we didn’t have complementary traits/codependency, which needs treatment as well. So no judgment here. If I didn’t have my own faulty programming, I never would have wasted my energy defending myself to people who project their own issues on to me, and purposely do and say things with the intention to hurt me and break my self esteem down to their level. I would have had the wisdom to walk away immediately from that kind of toxicity. But here I am watching this video, so touché.
I know! I stopped defending myself after two years ! He brings nothing into my life! I fact I can’t even be my authentic me
Thank you for this video. I had to defend my love..yes defend my love. I always had to explain and reassure them that yes indeed I loved them and not only that , had to defend that I was in love vs just love her
Went through the same, sounds like borderline personality disorder tbh
she's a borderline
I would even say “but I’ve done nothing wrong”...and it’s met with oh you always say that! So me sticking up for myself and saying that was always shot down
Great topic. It took me a long time to realize that "defending yourself" is because "you" think that your own integrity matters (so it hurts). Forget these people.
Great video ! Especially the end of it. I'm also dealing with my best friend who has BPD, projection , silent treatment the allegations that is so out in the field!...
And you're absolutely right, the more you explain yourself the worse it gets. From being completely ignored to be totally disrespected.
Ashley, I found you on RUclips one day quite by accident but since subscribing you have hit the heart of my situation with 2 people in my life. I've learned one is a true narcissist and dealing with all things that personality brings to the table, and I'm fed up with being folded and stapled by them both; constantly having to defend myself to the point I have to discard them both from my life.
Shirley, glad you're receiving and gaining more clarity in your life when it comes to these people and eliminating them from your life. Let me know how you are doing.
someone was like that too me well besides my ex narc.i was defending myself for doing nothing.i dont have that time for that lady im working on my boundaries. and i can say no and not feeling guilty about it anymore and pretty much all the toxic people got kicked too the curb
Except when you relize your personal value
They will do ANYTHING to destroy you
Just get away from them ... they are a complete waste of energy & will drive you into therapy
When I was getting divorced, my Brother had the nerve to tell me off about it, like I wasn’t already hurting? I turned to him and said I’m not about to take advice, from Mr. Matrimony!” He had been married (4) times!
Omw this is so appropriate for me right now. I left my 20 year marriage for this reason. After 20 years of being faithful my husband started accusing me of the most hardcore things. I actually defended myself for years though I'd done nothing. When he started hitting me with a belt to dicipline me for my lies I was just like not an actual fuck. It's the worst decision I've ever had to make. This video so resonates with me.
Ashley. YOU ARE AMAZING WOMAN
So glad that I found this video today. I’ve been struggling with this in a relationship that I had thought was “the one”. You have really helped me to see the aggressive and argumentative nature of our relationship in recent months. I have felt much better since blocking him on social media and while I love and miss him I realize that I am worth more and he doesn’t see my value or understand me at all. This will help me so much to move forward. Mahalo.
My ex bf kept accusing me of cheating when I wasn't cheating at all. His ex wife had supposedly cheated so I was basically painted with the same brush.I have been doing some research and I've come to the conclusion he has pathological jealousy and BPD issues!! I know it's not my fault! He hadn't healed and he's a lost cause because he could never admit he had a problem. There was definitely a pattern. At least once a month!! Up to our last conversation he was still putting the blame on me!! Dumped his a$$. Couldn't take any more after 3 years!! I WAS DEFENDING MYSELF ALL THE TIME!!! I WISH I HAD SEEN THIS VIDEO 3 YEARS AGO!! Now he's dating someone he claimed was just a "friend " while we were still dating. Good luck to her! She's more then welcome to my "sloppy seconds"!
I had to deal with a Narcissist for 5 yrs & now I’m dealing with a toxic work environment, where they make it impossible to succeed & when I refuse the abuse , I am labeled as difficult because I don’t take their crap
Yep-- this is where I am now. He always tells me, know my worth, but still turns around and tells me my explanations are bullshit, that I treat him like he is shit to me, like he is worthless to me, a barrage of FUCK YOUs over and over, telling me to go back to my ex, go back to ppl who dont give a fuck about me- blah blah blah...... AND ALL THIS, because I didnt answer his call after midnight, because I was ASLEEP with a good dose of benadryl. Smh. The accusations were unbelievable!!! So this video really helps-- im so DONE. No going back.
THANK GOD YOU HAVE EXPLAINED MY SITUATION AND ITS SO PAINFUL! damn it! Thanks again!!
I'm guilty of the badgering and accusing. I have ptsd, I'm a codependent, possible borderline personality, so I got some stuff. I am learning so much from your channel. #workingonit
I'm highly sensitive and am going through this right now. But to handle it this way means I would also lose my grandchildren
I wish I knew you personally as a female friend. But I guess I can be your friend watching your videos
Ashley I’m a highly educated woman and accomplished more than a man can do. I directed my future to early retirement! I can run a multimillion dollar business with 80 employees but I suck at picking the rite guy!
Thank you for this! This has been my husband for years. He gaslightings me as well, for so long. I've been in counseling, and I'm trying so hard, and I've filed for divorce five 5yrs ago, and he won't sign them because he doesn't want to pay alimony. I'm on disability and can't survive without alimony, and I don't know what to do?
They are lucky to have you as a friend
Ashlley youre the best. You helped me look at my situation and understand. Thank you.
Thanks for posting this message. I felt like you were talking directly to me...this was extremely valuable.
Thank you Ashley for putting my 17 yrs of hell into words. My boss would put me on the defense for things that weren't true. I was put in situations where she would call and berate me and accuse me of things while I had sub ordinates and patients right in front of me. I was so emmeshed, it was sick. All I could think of was, what is it about me that she feels the right to do this. I am going to listen to this ten x's over! I was eventually fired because she felt her job was at stake and began a very calculated smear campaign to get me out. A nightmare. Now I'm 62 and am having a hell of a time finding another job and don't really know how to handle the termination part in interviews.
I spent 6 years like this and I finally woke up , i thank him for awakening me to my true self .. took me a while to figure it out but I did it .. thank you for your videos
Great video. This describes my mother-in-law.
Narcissist don’t comprehend how you feel they don’t even respond to your needs it’s a waste of time.
They project onto you making you the bad one. It’s totally exhausting. The nightly torture of his rage I just had to go home. I found myself driving home 2an several times due too his promiscuous behavior and him making me jealous. His mo was to make me jealous of other women. Finally I said date I’m out of this game. Thank God.
Congratulations!!!!!... I also got away from a Malignant Narcissist who just loved to destroy me ...I was in it too long & now suffer from severe anxiety...
Yes! This!
Excellent!
Every thing this vlog said is 💯 % accurate.
Thanks. Your videos helped me a lot. I am stuck with a BPD wife. Inly thing that is making me stay in relationship is my one year old baby girl. Because I know if I divorce her she will vent all of it on my baby and I can't let this happen. I am kind of stuck. Please help me
nkn 969 Get a really good attorney who will prove what a nut job she is, then go for “full” custody. My husband didn’t go for custody of his kids and the mother really messed them up.
This is so bang on... but what if it's your pregnant partner and detaching isn't an option? Man.. so challenging ❤🙏
20 years of defending myself, I got tired and cut the friendship off!!!!
Spot on 👍🙏
I am not guilty!
If I would've gotten one of the other posts earlier on nothing this would've happened,........
and I ertainly did not arrange this social mess around me........ I did something else!!!!!
Since I am just navigating that shit............
and since its designed against me....... I end up doing "shit" in their opinion......
But really the only right move was going away........ there's no freedom here
just enslavement and I hates it
cuz I did different stuff..... but they tactically drove me away from everything, shut me out...... made sure I wouldn't meet potential candidates or activities or subject people that seem interesting to ignore me, or give me ill advice, or mislead me into becoming shit, and they used emotional weaknesses they spied on earlier on to demolish me over time
they know it's true..... once damaged then you start doing wierd not even guilty stuff or illegal but iit doesn't fit their plan so they condemn it
Thank U So Much for Sharing
I Have Been Apologizing After Being Discarded Emotionally Abused Horribly Beaten Dwn By A Narcissist.I Offered 2 Help Him With Money.& I Changed My Mind BeCause Of The Way He Started Treating Me.Know He Is Giving Me The Silent Treatment..I'm Tired Of Explaining My Self Like I've Done Something Wrong.
When words and actions don't match. Don't defend yourself that is a technique to devert and change the subject. They want to get the conversation of this topic.
I needed to hear this advice so much today. I have a terrible relationship with my sister, she sends passive aggressive texts all the time, she'll find something I have a done wrong to berate me with and then will unleash her litany of opinions about every facet of my life. Today I stood up for myself but she just kept going man, she's the golden child, I'm the scape goat, and I thought you know what, I'm done. She may be my sister but she has no respect for me and doesn't see my value as a person. And deep down I think I know she never will. It hurts so much to think that she will always think the worst of me, no matter what I do or how hard I try, so I just blocked her on all technology, sick of her messages, she's a coward she wouldn't say it to my face and for now I'm just going to accept that we may be sisters but we don't have to like each other. I plan to keep as much distance from her as possible. She was gas lighting this morning and I can see how narcissistic she is. Bless her. I wish her luck, I think she'll need it.
I will definitely find a better job this year !!!!!!
Loved “mental and emotional beating”
How do you know when you've done nothing wrong though? Seems like a silly question, but really, sometimes it can be hard to see when you've really done something wrong, especially if you didn't mean to. I always find it really confusing.
Same how do I know if it’s me? , I feel like I’m always defending my actions how I meant it my motive etc to the point I say stuff wrong all the time because I feel like I dunno how to even explain things anymore. Is that the same? I do things like question his love for me etc because i feel like I’m constantly put down having to explain I’m not a shit person etc or didn’t like tnst joke about myself he told ..then it makes me think well does he care then ? don’t know what to do anymore 11 years snd still feel like I’m useless. Is it me?
top women go ASH
You're awesome Michael!
I've used review,block,leave it blocked and delete.....
!!!!
This is my marriage to a T...wow