@@barbiedolldrip6899 I'm going through a divorce right now and my gaslighter was so good of gaslighting me to the point where she had me thinking I need to take medication to the point where I was taking it for something I never had a problem with and for the longest time videos like this reminded me of what I always used to hear myself say and didn't realize I was waking up when I told her I never had to take medication before I met her and I didn't have any problems now all of a sudden I have these problems that you said I always had it was the gas lighting . 😢
:Amadeus :Țurcanu-Moisl. well. he's a porn addict. he refuses to have sex with me. he's emotionally detached. he controls what i post on social media. controls what i wear. he won't give me access to the bank account. won't put me on a phone plan (we live overseas) so.. i always try to be the prettiest i can be, clean and cook, be kind and loving.. he wants to go to counseling thank god, but i feel like i'm never doing anything well enough for him.
Very needed and informative video. My ex gf manipulated and gaslit me all the time. Constant lying, which took advantage of my empathy and tore down my boundaries. Went completely no contact with her, but she really made me question my reality, and I wanted to die. 2 years later, I know the red flags now. So many good people get sucked into these relationships, and I feel this video is incredibly helpful in learning the red flags and how to avoid relationships like that. Life is too short, so make the best of it! Thanks Ashley, we appreciate your insight!
its my belief that dating sites are full of people with serious mental issues . the problem is to find compatibility on those issues . ex : people with anxiety or post traumatic stress disorder should not have to go through getting into a relationship with a narcissist . unless a three year ex of mine is confused about what a narcissist actual is , she sure seems like one herself .
You are right about going for easy prey, if you have stuff which they think is useful to them- the more they come out of the woodwork- and the old cliche "They take kindness for weakness" is not just a cliche- it is absolutely true. I hate to say this, but you almost have to expect the worst- not the best- out of people- until you have known them for a long time. Also you have to work backwards- and think - if I was this other person- and I was bad- what would I be trying to get out of me.
@@carmichaelmoritz8662 what i do is take my time and put up boundaries...if they have problems with it from the start or automatically change their ways to suit you...then they are fake. Also if it's too good to be true than it probably is!...I'm in relationship with one and trying to work it out. I've sought treatment because I'm not sure who is causing the issues.
@@moarroz well i hope the best for you . for me i know for a fact that it was both she and i that have issues , she more so then i due to the fact once she gets something into her head she wont let it be . she assumes things and labels others and does not see how and why things became the way that they are . she believes that i'm a narcissist and tells me i should own it and thats the only way i can heal . i mean wow . i've studied on narcissism and know for a fact thats not my issues .
Our world is filled with such EMPTY people! We need to teach more than just: 1. Shakespeare 2. WW1/2 3. CALCULUS And include "essential life elements": *self love *marriage *Heath and wellness *finance *Relational LOVE *positive relationship signs *negative / TOXIC relationships signs This may help combat the high FREQUENCY and cycle of abuse at levels in all areas of society - pivotal to both the victim and perpetrator (who was also a victim at one point). Thank you for this video 🌷
Focused Lids their “society” would fall to pieces without abusive parenting. We who can see need to opt out and go no contact with this lying manipulative and controlling “culture” as much as humanly possible.
Yesh but ss long as you do believe your reaity.you are not playing their game.If he says thats why he doesn't talk to neighbours,tell him straiight that you do.
Before you enter into a relationship with anyone, make sure your own house is in order first. Make sure are in the right places physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Being in the right place in each of those aspects will help prevent you from getting into the type of relationships this woman is describing. And then after you do get into a relationship, make sure that you continue to stay in the right places, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, that way so that have problems do arise, perhaps like the ones that she is describing, perhaps ones that are different, so that you will be able to take the appropriate course of action.
I read this and took it in and I agree. I have now learned from painful experience and mistake after mistake from not doing this it's a mistake tht cost dearly, however I'm now looking forward to learning and growing in life and also looking at myself and how I can be better as well. Good comment and every true
@@beanzbeanz yes it isn't easy especially after abuse from narcs all anyone can do is try I suppose and I think that we at least have support from people who have gone through the same type of ordeal. There is a good bunch of opinions and ideas it's just finding one that resonates hates with you
True. I did it for myself. When divorce kicks in it was easier for me to signed.no argument. And now he is wishing it was different. For what.. I am celebrating victory.
The key is.....you have to leave people. A bad trip doesn't improve with time....it just gets worse........or stays the same. Imagine a slow train wreck played out over many years.......and you have a situation you need to leave today.........to save your "future good years" from becoming rearview mirror "bad years".
Another key ingredient that added a VERY great deal of insight for me is the concept of trauma bonding. Gaslighting, coupled with intermittent reinforcement, creates a dynamic that is literally drug addictive. It opens the floodgates in the brain of the victim for the feel-good drugs of Oxytocin, Seratonin and Dopamine. This is why many toxic relationships can be very difficult to leave. Once you realize that your addiction to another person originates with the chemicals swirling in your own brain, you are on the road to recovery and getting out from under the abuse. Yes, it is easier said than done, but with the right focus, effort and support, it can be done. Thank you very much Ashley!
I endured this life for 11 years from my gaslighting narcissist ex-wife. May the universe of karma bring back all the hateful negative energy to the gaslighters of the world in spades.
solice8844 you will be blessed it's more difficult sometimes especially if you are Male I hope we support you like we support each other and I hope you get the love you deserve
I feel blessed to finally sever marriage and now with a normal loving kind gent. So so happy. Only wish I'd listened to my instincts at the very beginning! Better late than never! Onwards n upwards!
I cannot understand why anyone would want to do this to another person? Especially someone who cares about the abuser so much, what does one gain from treating someone this way? It blows my mind.
They learned early, and figured the narcissistic strategies would protect them from pain. There's pain in there but it's completely inaccessible, especially to them. There's no point sticking around, the chances of them letting this go are tiny.
They have a distorted view of reality and they think you either prey or get preyed on. They think everything is a competition and they destroy anynody they get too close with because they feel threatened by everybody and can't see relationships as teams. Their are self centered fuckers
This is an EXCELLENT video!! The reason i stayed in the marriage for as long as i did is because it was not all bad, he did nice things from time to time, those crumbs. He would call me "bad" almost daily, but it was in a tone that he could claim he was joking. So i never knew if i was over reacting or not? Other times it was crazy, over emotion, on my period or over reacting when i would try and talk a problem, any problem, out with him. He never took any responsibility for his actions even when it was blatant, the lies were amazing sometimes. I would leave the conversation more confused then when we started the conversation. This would of been a great video to ease some of the cognitive dissonance i had while i was trying to leave the relationship, because they do not want to let an easily manipulated person go.
You just describe my life with my husband. Winstead of lies...he has been hiding everything from me and when I ask him about something, he tells me that it is not my bussines. It is a long story.
@@jhh2001 Really, you needed to correct her grammar in a RUclips comment...? A lot of people comment from their phones, where it is harder to type and autocorrect changes words. Correcting grammer in an online forum is just kind of lame.
Camille Harris the behavior you are describing is called covert hostility in the emotional tone scale it is a 1.1 on that number scale a 1.1 is stuck between fear and anger
I have often heard it said that this is the worst form of emotional abuse. I guess it depends on your other experiences, but nothing tells you more about what you have dealt with or are dealing with that this person cares not one iota about you. Hindsight is perfect 20/20 vision. "Time to exit stage right".
For me it's not so much him verbally assaulting my character. It's more about his denial and totally dismissing and refusing he cheats. He never admits he ever did it even when he is caught.. he says he did it because he was accused of it. He says I am crazy and insecure. I know I am not. He is not someone who ever apologizes or admits or cares to discuss why he took the day off work and gets text from these ex girlfriends after he gets home. But says it's my fault he was with them ..
yep... it’s like the exact same one identity was in all of our experiences. what one of us writes about that sick person we hung out with is interchangeable with what everyone else writes. it’s a testiment to how undeveloped and simple this person was to have never evolved into being a unique, sovereign, whole individual. they all cheat lie n text under your n everyone else’s nose. it’s so simple n pathetic that typical people can’t hardly comprehend it. best to comprehend u can’t make sense of the senseless and learn to stop being sincere with an insincere person. Knowing them is just like standing in front of a brick wall and beating ur head on it. Good luck to u and remember that He is the minority. most of the rest of the world is so far opposite of their reality. u will see that more n more clearly after the fog lifts once u get away. i made decision to just let all of the cards fall n walk. u know the blame and gas lighting will be the ultimate worse for walking but just know... that’s the last round, let them nail the coffin shut, and u can finally stop being afraid of the “what’s next” screw job hell alternate reality that they keep u in. best way is pull plug with no explanation. u will look back with the “what’s next” fear A LOT for a long time but it gets better n better every day once u recognize that a fair exchange with someone as incidental as a store clerk in a 3 minute store transactionfeels like more consideration and respect than what a narc had to give over the course of years. best wishes! xo
Thank you, Ashley. This has been a very informative video. It has been over 5 years now that the narc's mask fell off and I experienced absolutely soul crushing gaslighting, projections, name calling, blame shifting and the usual gimmicks. Thankfully, I binged numerous videos and educated myself. The ONLY way I came out of the effects of gaslighting is by NOT responding or reacting to any accusation and kept telling myself who I really am like a chant/mantra. Positive, nurturing and compassionate self talk helped me deal with the pungency. Maintaining a gratitude journal, practicing basic breathing techniques and self love helped me heal too. Love, light and peace to all❤
I remember my ex said the neighbors don’t like me. I went on the front porch and yelled out “do you honestly think I care if the neighbors don’t like me!” He tried to rush me in the house. The neighbors told me later that they don’t know me to not like me.
@@diannwhitaker6 Damn. That sounds like my father. Between my mother and I this has happened. At different times we were driven crazy by my father and there was screaming on the street. Worst one was back in March of 2018 father came at me after a verbally abusive fight and chased me out on the street with me screaming. I was ready asf to move out. Only to move in with another psycho. I'm still biding my time to finally move out. 😥 ALONE PREFERABLY or with good friends. I really wish a neighbor came out and saw what was happening that night. And saw how batshit insane my father was. Been living in fear all my life and I'm DONE with it. These people all they are is about appearances and their perception from others. Did your ex also try to keep you on pills to keep you from acting "erratic?" My mother is heavily medicated but I'm not. Though he wishes I was!
10 years ago, I was engaged to a classic narcissist. He would constantly be the hero in every situation, often putting me down in a “you’re just naive, and I know best” way. But, he took care of me very well and treated me out often, so I figured he was right. Was to the point where I had to rely on him for EVERYTHING, which he encouraged. It finally dawned on me that I was so far behind all of my friends, and by then I had to relearn how to take care of myself and be independent. Long and difficult road I wouldn’t wish on anyone. If you’re in a similar situation- get out. Now.
This is what I've been realizing has happened....he wanted me to rely on him but then he would find out the info and make me feel bad about it...I realized I've moved so far backwards...
That is so interesting. My son-in-law is a narcissist to his core. I also noticed that he always had to be the hero in every situation, even when somebody smashed into his semi, he couldn't just go to the rescue, he had to brag to everyone that he was the hero. The engine burned out on her beautiful SUV that she needs for the kids and he went out and bought himself a new car, gave her his old car and she made an excuse for him. I'm seeing so much of that in their family and I wish my daughter would wake up, but she won't she's brainwashed. Maybe being raised by her Psychopathic father made her susceptible and I blame myself for that because I stayed 25 years.
Sugar Free When you’re in that type of environment, you just don’t know. I was always told “bad men” treated you like crap verbally and physically, so because he didn’t- I thought he was a great guy. And I don’t think anyone at the time could have talked me out of that. All you can do is share your experience. Ask questions when you can (in the way a therapist would, non judgmental). See if that helps her at least open up... BEST OF LUCK!!
My parents are like that, they dont let me pursue a career even though i can pay it by myself, dont let me work outside of the family business, dont let me be a modern millenial feeling proud to be single, im supposed to be ashame to be women to have 25 and no man want me, they tell i dont love my family, im ungrateful, for not helping, everyone want i man, except me, they even ask my sinlings if i was lesbian to take me to china to cure it.... Fuck them... I saved enough money to leave them, and finding a stable job that is not related to my family
Very helpful video, it has brought even more clarity to my situation. I've known for a long time that he is abusive but to have it broken down like this is extremely eye-opening. Also, to be able to put a name to something I have felt I can barely explain (without feeling like it's impossible for someone else to see this as abusive) has given me much needed validation. Thank you so much
So, this was me. British man, 56yrs, narcissistic mother still abusing everyone at 85yrs. After a year of therapy and years of worsening health (physical and emotional), I have understood what she has done over decades. Now a few months into no contact. Now it all makes sense. I feel like a fool.
I so needed to hear this after a toxic friendship that definitely used gaslighting techniques to manipulate me. I have carried stress for a while due to it, I now know I am not actually going mad. I broke free, but needed confirmation that I am not the person I have been accused of being. Thank You 🙏
Thank you Ashley.You help me tremendously through my recovery journey after 18 years of gaslighting. Wish you the very best and thank you for being here for all the souls in need.
Bottom line: gaslighting is a representation of how you are being erased by the abuser. Your perceptions are not acknowledged therefor you are not acknowledged. It’s essentially the abuser saying you don’t exist. Takes away your autonomy, your only purpose is to take the blame for how much they hate themselves.
Nomadic prince In some states it’s illegal and if they have proof, can win a case against you. I learned however if you have a recording where they threaten you in any way, the courts will allow it.
Nomadic prince I recorded my ex and he went ballistic when he heard it...”I didn’t consent to being recorded, this is illegal”. He sounded so evil on the recording and he knew it would ruin his reputation.
Holographic Multiverse in work situations you really do need to. Sometimes you can’t always escape from these type of people. It’s best to always document to cover your ass.
Thank you for clarifying the gas lighting so well. I was in this situation for 24 years. Emotionally free now, I am still trying to rebuild and financially break free. But it's like putting together a huge puzzle. So we'll explained videos like yours always help understand a little more. Thank you.
Been in counseling for about a year now trying to sort my head back out after being with my gaslighter for 8 years. It feels like I was a brainwashed prisoner. The day I finally broke my mind out of the gas long enough was like escaping hell. Others have probably experienced similar years after the fact when these demons are still in your head telling you how escaping was just confirming all the bad stuff the abuser ever made you believe about yourself. It's still a struggle to get right in your head after shutting off the gas, but like everything good, it takes time. Good luck to anyone finding this or any videos like it who are trying to find out what life should be without their abuser. We're stronger than we thought for a time.
Thank you for this video it was great. My ex-boyfriend the narc use gaslighting on me often. He would accuse me of doing things that I never did. He had an elaborate story. I finally realized what he was doing. I've never met anybody in my lifetime that did this to me. I am 62 years old and I'm shocked at the level these people will go to to destroy the one that loves them the most. Two years out and finally healing thank you
Good for you Jenny me too but three years out...He would accuse me of the most ridicules things that were actually what he was doing like squandering the money being lazy, and calling me fat, a cun* and a bat...awful put downs that chip away at your self esteem. Along with violent rages smashing things and hitting me when he promised he would never do that. He said it would take someone built like a brick shit house to put me under the thumb lol! I was just too strong for him he even resorted to injecting steroids to get bigger and scare me, so that was my cue to get out before he got even more violent. I thought I could fix him, he was abused as a kid but his demons were too powerful for me to fight..so I chose flight.
You explained this in an amazing way.... Thank you. I am in the process of trying to leave my narcissistic partner (15 year relationship - 3 kids). No one really understands what I’m saying,, this helps. Thank you again. I am now a subscriber 🙋🏻♀️
Gwen13061 Bingo! They are unstable, self-hating fractured ego souls who project onto you so they don’t have to feel their own pain. Second, the idea you might leave them is terrifying - you ARE the only stable thing he has. Control. Get the hell out. It never ever everrrrrr gets better - only worse. I‘m moving out this weekend. No boundaries. Evil shit.
Mine continues to look stable to the world. My best friend took his side, this was nearly 6 years ago. He has covert narcissistic behaviours on a spectrum. I divorced him 2 years ago, now I am just starting my counselling diploma, will be fully qualified in 2 years, and I will taking on clients who have been in relationships with narcs as my specialty...
Literally same we broke up and my ex still where's his wedding ring, it has no emotional significant value to him it's literally just for appearances. We will be divorced a year from now and he will probably still be wearing that ring because to people like that they don't want to look like failures to their work associates and what not
I've just escaped a 1 year relationship with a gas lighter, and am only now realizing how abused I really was in that situation. You're right about every detail, from loss of identity to confusion and empathy in the good moments. I did cling to that... even I knew I was crazy but couldn't let go. He's now manipulating me from afar and it's been the hardest breakup of my life. The worst part. I miss him everyday. I needed this dose of reality. Thank you.
The number one (misunderstood or unrecognized) tact that keeps people hooked is love-bombing. The carrot is dangled (crumbs provided) intermittently. Often it appears quite genuine/sincere. It is not in reality. Healthy individuals sustain, while toxic individuals do not (that’s key). I’m well done with all this hocus-pocus - way too much energy goes into the wrong people. Knowing the signs & specific behaviours is extremely important.
i know the feeling...now, awake for 9 months after 40 years with my covert narsicist wife, unfucking believable..what i have allowed this demon to do to me...destroyed my physical health...and much more..oh this scary...and now i know it started in childhood (im 62 now) with unworthiness trauma ..just recently had that revelation
mreloo Hi mreloo, Thank you for sharing your story! It’s a bitter pill to swallow once realized - I’m so sorry to hear the crap you endured. There is nothing good about them, zip! I met the idiot at 52 - thought I knew better (I do now)! I was blind-sided by the (plausible) love-bombing (thought that was the real him) - nope, I was wrong. I’ve stopped beating myself up b/c I was in it genuinely (and never thought I had to be so on guard). It is THEIR abusive pattern - including (especially) the love-bombing. I’m sorry to hear what happened to you - yes, it’s all too relatable. Take good care of you - they are disastrous nightmares. You (& those of us affected) deserve a trillion times better 💙 I’m 2.75 yrs out - however I often reflect on how horrid this individual was/is. Just so grateful that I exited! Glad you are out too!!!
@@carolb3869 oh still with the monster (met when both of us were 21) 2 years dating 38 years married... praying and working on an exit plan...this demon has hurt my physical emotional spiritual and financial persons so bad that had i not woke up 9 months ago she would have finished me off...and yes she knows i know everything... might have been a bad idea to show my hand but anger won out ...as a warning to others...staying to long in these relationships will result in your demise...i tried to leave 2 or 3 times but i didn't have a clue she was a covert narsicist and could not leave kids, didn't know about personality disorders...but after my daughters said to me one day wake up dad..she's crazy & u deserve someone who truly loves u...wow right there the spell was broken and i just so happened on a narsicist video and everything made sense, daughters did not know their mom was a narsicist ...my physical demise started the first year married with my testosterone leaving me...no sex drive...ive recently learned that the narsicist/Jezebel demons my wife is controled with do this to men and it opens u up to b humiliated. ..get this, she goes to mom and ask if im gay? devalue? oh yeh conveniently forgetting the love bombing that went on for the 2 years before that....sorry for going on but it helps to share this 40 year shitstorm...with intermittently a few crumbs thrown at u to keep u blinded to the abuse...i cant believe this even happen ..its like waking up from a bad dream into a nightmare ,so about 7 years in my immune system broke down.... .. looking back all these years i have been fighting for my life ...exercising...taking vitamins, chiropractors, Kinisioligest, massage. .. colon clensing, rolfing (deep tissue massage) kangen ionized water ,and more ...doing this before, during and after my illness struggles...one doctor said once, he couldn't believe i was still alive..i know now i have purpose...and this is the beginning of that journey..just as a reference here is a list of the physical mess im in..autoimmune disease (skin muscle) bone disease nercrocis, 8 joint replacements, blood clots, ivc filter(defective) blocked arteries in legs 2 (7 hour procedures) to stent open ivc filter and unblock R & L legs...lumbar disc disease .. callous on feet causing pain...knee replacements not straight causing pain ...chronic pain...over use of the strongest class narcotics...this stuff helped block the emotional trauma of her covert abuse...thankfully been able to reduce to 1/3 ,of what i was taking. ..last thought, about one year into dating i snapped on her at a party ..it was shocking,i was not drunk ,i started saying terrible things to her...your a fake u act all nice and innocent but really your a sneak ..sly...slutty...she use to act historionic when drinking the change to her personality was unbelievable i never saw anything like that...i didn't know what historionic was till recently but that's how she acted i felt unsafe with her, she would stare at men and say crazy sexual things,seductive and when not drinking miss godie two shoes ...i started hitting her also. thank God someone stopped me...someone took her home..next day i freaked went to her house and took her to a motel and just wept and begged forgiveness... she never said a word or asked a question i was glad cus I was soooo embarrassed by what I did ...i was had at that point,,i was hers to abuse ,i just felt she had me under her spell and thats how our life started...i pray God will restore me ...and heal my wife ...but as long as this thing controls her i must exit...that incident brought me to my knees and i turned to Jesus and became a bornagain Christian
mreloo You’ve been through the ringer!!! I was not involved as long (or close), so I don’t want to pretend I know the half of it. What helped me: Counselling (with an informed counsellor - important!) Support group RUclips vids (many channels on narcissism) May I suggest: DSD Dad’s surviving divorce (Duane) Narc ology unscripted (Dave) There are many many more - I’m sure people on this channel can weigh-in (& suggest). Many will be able to relate to you - you are not alone - RUclips has provided a wonderful medium so there is awareness & education. Not all channels are beneficial - you will find the ones that work best for you. Ashley is great! Try them, I swear they have saved so many!!!
Carol B I recommend youtube channels Dr Les Carter The Royal We I can’t imagine what you have gone through.....but it is REALLY healing to find others who have experienced some of the crazy-making personally in their life. Takes a long time with going through the stages of grief....and time! Recommended books are: Out of the Fog by Morningstar Healing from hidden abuse by Shannon Thomas . Learn all you can, it helps with the puzzle pieces!!!
Ashley Berges.. I, for the life of me, could not put a finger on EXACTLY what was being done to me. No matter what my Husband tried, said, did, I always said to him that, he wasn't Man enough to break or tear me down, that, I wasn't built that way. To recognize it tho', or give it a name, evaded me. Thank GOD I ran across your Channel today. Thank you for educating me, I am now, binge watching and arming myself. Trust and believe me, you helped me fight more than half of my 11 year battle with this 14 minute video.. Bowing.. #ThankYou ❤
Great description and examples of gaslighting +. The consistent blame, telling me I got it wrong, and saying other employees do not like me was just the beginning and the last time a narcissist will enter my life. I got it right and he would do anything to gain one iota of “supply”. Thank you for saying it is abuse Ashley!
So awesome Ashley, you completely nailed the gaslighter - while he/she “nails” us to the cross - so hard to get down when it’s a long-time family member like a sibling - please do video on our “resurrection “🦋🌷🦋🌷thank you! for your wonderful work 🌺♥️🌺
Best revenge is to leave and go be HAPPY! Heal and recover, never look back. It eats the Narc up. Narc's die more often than not COMPLETELY ALONE. The Narc runs out of people to suck off of.
excellent video. At one point some years ago, I did not know who I was. Your description of how one can lose one's identity was an eye-opener. I wish I had come across this information 15 years ago. Could have saved me from lots of anxiety and panic attacks stemming from that weird sense of feeling like I was losing my sanity. thank you for taking the time to make this video.
I just want to say to everyone in this situation, it is possible to get away. I wasn't at risk of physical harm, but I still lost chunks of hair and checked myself in to the mental hospital. Once I arrived I realized my situation wasn't as bad as I thought. I had about 75 people who would have kicked his ass at the ready and I will never forget those lovely people.. they gave me strengths beyond previously known. When I left, i completely ignored the person. Zero contact = zero chance for him to manipulate me. If I saw him I refused to speak or acknowledge him. It's not for everyone but it worked for me. Stay strong!
I was just gaslighted by a romantic interest. He had the nerve to call me PARANOID after he did it. Wow. Just wow. Ya know, its just as bad as being physically hit. Id rather be single.
I've been researching his behavior and narcissism in general for over a year now. We were married 15 years, I've been in a womens shelter almost 3 months now. Still co-parenting (he had a doozy of a discard). Every single word you said was dead on. But you forgot that once they learn the words narcissist and gaslighter they instantly begin to try to convince their target that they (the target) are the narc and that themselves (the narc) is the victim. The one seeking mental health and personal development in the relationship is not going to be the narc. Nothing that they ever say is true, not the good, not the bad. They are patholigically allergic to honesty. It will literally destroy their identity to tell even a small truth. I unmasked mine and completely deconstructed his false self and he melted down like the Wicked Witch of the West when Dorothy threw mopwater on her. There is literally no trace of the false self image that I married remaining. He is just raw and ugly all the time now. I think he is reaching that state that I hear being called "collapsed." Quite dangerous, he's even become physically violent now too, increasing severity in increments.
Best explanation ever. Thank you! This can be very subtle as well, without name calling, but constantly controlling. Have read about narcissism for a long time without getting the gaslighting fully, and have now finally understood the abuse from my ex-narc much better, and it was gaslighting. He often combined it with excluding me and always to gain control. So freeing to read this, and finally get it - the covert narc I dated for 3 years - he was often using triangulation and it was the superficial sweet talks that made me doubt.
Thank you for this video. It is so hard to explain to others what I go through on a daily basis because there is nothing I can pinpoint like physical abuse or some overt action. For example, people don't understand why I don't just do what I want because it's not like my husband is physically stopping me and I am the breadwinner so I should be more powerful. But people don't realize that through his words and manipulation I have this invisible barrier preventing me from any action without his approval. And my husband has done everything that you've described including telling me how my family members and friends call me crazy and unstable and make fun of me, calling me a terrible parent, telling me I am a sociopath and psychopath and the doctors just failed to diagnose me, taking deep secrets I told him and twisting ithem around to point out how unstable I am, etc. Then every so often he does something nice and points out to me how he is the nicest person in the world. And one day I just realized that I used to be a strong person but he broke me. I am unable to make any decision, I second-guess everything I do, I am having issues with my memory, etc.yet I am so scared to leave because he is so manipulative and I fear that he would manipulate the courtd into getting the children.
He made sure I was never confident in my personality. He deflected examination of his behaviour by trying to focus on me, but never had any specific examples of what I'd done wrong, just vague statements. He accused me of being dramatic when I showed hurt after he did cruel things. He tried to evoke pity or sympathy instead of being accountable. He justified his treatment of me with vague statements about resenting me or how I had annoyed him. He used sarcastic and nasty humour to chip away at my self esteem. He would give begrudging apologies only when cornered and they'd be sandwiched in between vague complaints about me. He'd stonewall if it looked like he wasn't winning or ran out of excuses so ending the texting or phone call, leaving my place or telling me to leave his place. It truly was an education in narcissism. This video was helpful. Thank you. Of course the more small he made me feel the more dependent and trying to please him I became and lost my identity. I thought if he could just see how loving and good I am, he'd love me and treat me well. That's how you lose yourself and waste your time.
Ashley, you did a fantastic job hitting the nail on the head. I’ve watched many RUclips videos about the issue, and I gotta give it to you!! You’ve really broken it down so precise and clear cut.
I've been in this type of "toxic"relationship, so hard to get out because of constant manipulation and constant guilt 😡and constant the demeaning of your ...personality. 💁🏻💫⚡️😔✨cut the ties!!!! 💪🏻😁⚡️run!!!!
It feels to me that the world at large is for the most part a gaslighting experience. I am learning to shield myself from the energies of others. Today I figured out how to raise a wall around my heart with a person. I didn't like doing it. After I did it I felt safe within myself. Later I was out under the lovely clouds and let myself be wide open once more. A butterfly appeared high up and then a hummingbird shortly afterwards. I am fortunate that nature has no ego to get in the way.
Gaslighting done outside of relationships and in the workplace etcetera has to do with social engineering. I have been doing my research. My technique: I disarm the gaslighter by discussing their tactics and manipulations in an open forum out loud in front of everyone involved without warning.I also give them an outline of what I will do to make sure their harrassment tactics/gaslighting doesn't continue. I also make sure that they know that it will be handled legally and with no outbursts, scenes or psychological retaliation on my part
Another fun tactic is distributing a fully explanatory email to all those within the situation. If the details are not so specific as to identify the author, it can be anonymous/different account and from "a sympathetic observer" who has observed and id'd the narc in action, or learned through counselling and past history how to deal with narcissistic gaslighters. Sending a wonderful video like this is also a great way to awaken people to the legitimacy and specifics of gaslighting.
I let my inlaws do this to me, until I started to get knowledge in psychology. They did everything in this video down to a tee. I've completely detached from them now. I'm going back to college to become a psychologist, I also retire in 6 years, so what I really believe is that the gaslighters see the like in you, but its hidden from yourself. They make sure that you don't see it by putting you down to make you feel bad about yourself. My wife and her whole family is on a 7 day cruise right now, I refused to go because of school and work. In the past I would've missed work and school because of feeling guilty for not going. I know now that it's about making myself happy first and not subjecting myself their toxic ways just to try and get them to love me. I don't care now!!! I love myself!!!
Oh God ......my wife!!! Everything, everything you shared I've been through 10 years. I went a filed for a divorce I am disabled and man she really worked on me.....but thank God I got the strength to go file........so true what you shared
I have realised after 38 yrs of pain and suffering the reason why my mother has been the gaslighter in this toxic relationship, doesn't help that she is a narcissist. My eyes are finally open and it feels great. It feels like a sense of empowerment has been returned. I was blamed for my fathers suicide and she has stuck by this story her whole life, never sitting down to open up and discuss with me, always on the defence when i bring it up and then bang ....all out assault. Thankyou Ashley as you have cemented once and for all what i have been thinking as far back as i can remember that NO i am not a bad person and Karma has shown it. She has lost that mask that she has been wearing for so long..friends and family have slowly started to distant themselves as her true colours are now seeping through the cracks. Her grandchildren are starting to see who she really is as her emotions run wild.. Now when i tell her that people can see past your fake intentions and kindness i get the blank stare..always saying it with a smile(Narcissist can not stand when you dont snap back) I get the teeth gritting and verbal abuse but i'm already out of there.
This video is 24K Gold. I had a relationship like this 20 years ago. Often the gaslighter is a covert narcissist and you won't spot it right away. I didn't know until I was totally committed and got very hurt when it fell apart. These people will hurt you and feel good doing it. They have zilch empathy. Anyway the crumbs of hope - literally - can keep you hooked along with feelings of insecurity or other causes inside you that make you not walk away. If food smells BAD it usually is and you throw it out. If your partner consistently makes you feel bad except those crumbs - then it's like the BAD food. Now when you do realize something's up or gotten so bad you're leaving they'll come around... promise to change, promise the world but know they won't change. 99% they WON'T. Thanks for the enlightening video.
Every single thing fits, it’s scary! My mother was abusive in this manner. My husband is definitely ALL these things, He would NEVER hear this nor admit it at all. Instead, he would blow up verbally and go on the attack; primarily verbal and mental abuse. He likes to use my weaknesses against me. Everything is irrational and he will always blame me for everything. He then loves to try to take care of me when I am broken. You have nailed “gaslighting.” Subscribed, thank you so much.
I think she is absolutely right. I have been dealing with a lot of my own abusive tendencies while also trying to get my wife to recognize some of hers. Even though I blame a lot of the narcissistic type patterns that we experience in our relationship on her I have to have a little insight to my own abusive patterns that we both tend to feed off of each other on to keep the blame game going. But my main interest is not necessarily the behaviors themselves but what is feeding them. A lot of mental illnesses do come acrossed in this way such as schizophrenia, BPD, autism and pretty much any of the depressive or anxiety based illnesses. as my couples counselor likes to put it it's mainly childish like behaviors especially during the Tantrums. I would like to see some more videos explaining some of reasoning behind the behaviors and what can be done about the reasoning instead of just complaining about them and telling you to get out of the relationship because it is toxic.
I’m in it now up to my neck and I don’t have the resources to leave him. Thanks for reminding me that the little bit of affection he shows is just part of the game.
Realizing you've been being gaslighted and lied to for months is so embarrassing once you realize. You really feel like it's your fault, like you should have known
Thank you for this video. I am divorcing my husband who was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder. He has managed to use the disclosure process to convince my lawyer that he is the victim to my ill behaviour and I am the reason things are bad in our marriage. My husband is quiet and in his head. He looks like santa, acts like he slow to understand but he is he is listening, plotting and he acts through covert ways. I am trying to find ways to talk with my lawyer because I feel now I have to defend myself to him. After 7 years I am so mentally worn and emotionally ruened. You're one of the best presenters when speaking about this issue. Thank you for being clear, calm and not talking so loud. You are so grounded and fair in your messages. you gave me the line I needed to night to keep some belief in myself as I am ready to walk off the earth because I can't fight this on my own any more and no one believes me.
This video speaks to me so much. Been married for almost 7 years and this situation has left me broken and clinging to reality. We have a conversation and by the end of it I’m tired and confused. I doubt myself. It’s always me. I’m the one that is ruining his life. His focus is always one me, what I’m doing what I’m not doing. He’s rude and mean then says it’s because he’s not getting what he needs from me. He’ll be super nice and sweet but when he doesn’t get what he wants I get the silent treatment for days and in the end it’s my fault. When things happen I’m clear about the fact that he is the one that has the problem but then I start to doubt myself. Am I over reacting? Am I really causing this in him? He’s not a bad person or is he? It’s just a mess in my mind. I ask him to get help and he believes he can deal with his issues alone. Doesn’t want to talk to a stranger about his issues. Doesn’t want me talking to anyone about our issues unless it’s a professional. I told him I want a separation but he begs me to not end things. At times I feel strong and then I feel weak and it makes me so mad at myself for being this way. I just have to understand that I’m in the cycle of abuse. I won’t give up on myself. I will survive this.
Thank you miss Ashley the work you do here is one of an Angel . Some of us are alone stuck with the gas lighters so to have such a voice speak soo much truth in a simple and straightforward manner makes this gold with heavenly wings have a great year 🙏🏾and a better life🤗
Wow! I am currently ending a relationship with a person who is a gaslighter. This resonates with me so much! . I'm so looking forward to watching more videos on this subject ! Thank you so much!!!
I know the gaslighter and it was about 6 months I realized what was going on. I see him now here and there and go greyrock because I know who he is. I am determined for that to never happen again. Thanks to videos like your and others I have learned a lot. Thank you. Your video was very insightful.
Thank you, everything resonates with my situation right now. My husband, anytime I would ask him about certain situations he would flash on me and turn it around on me like I’m the one in the wrong, always defensive.
This happened to me through a family member thatI thought I could trust. It was awful and took me years to heal from. These people are truly evil in my opinion.
This video is so clear! I find it very difficult to describe gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse! Thank you for explaining this so clearly and also for making me not feel as terrible and useless as I've been made to feel for so long.
Cognitive dissonance is the moments of caring, acts of kindness to question your reality. False sense of hope are crumbs that keep you connected to the illusion. We are being used and abused, manipulated at their discretion. Going along to get along, buying into the fantasy is just giving your power over to them. They hold the reigns and tug the ropes to get you to behave or comply or you'll be punished. Nothing gets resolved, it just keeps getting worse over time. I appreciate these videos of practical sound logical advice 👌
My youngest daughter is in a horrible gaslighting marriage. She has totally drank the kool aid and goes from calling and crying about how her husband makes her feel (she can't do very much right including parenting) to estoling how wonderful he is and what a hard worker he is. I have had to stop the relationship due to the children. I have seen them go from happy little toddlers to not being able to have fun at our house anymore because when the dad comes, with her, to pick them up it is completely frantic, rushed and incomprehensible. The oldest actually tries to hide. Just what the gaslighter wanted right?! Complete isolation from her family. Thank you for this video, I sent it to my daughter, however I pray she can come to grips with her situation and both get help. It's hard when her husband thinks he's perfect and totally incharge of EVERYTHING in the children and her life, but we still hope.
Thank you. Your delivery and speech really make things sink in. I’m two years out, but still phone “friends” with him, but it’s still the sweet/ mean confusing cycle. I’m trying to get the strength to just stop it!! Thank you 💗💗💗
NL F Thank you. I’m two days no contact. I have to treat it similar to an addiction to the savior complex, I realize. And There are so many more beneficial and beautiful people out there who mirror back true authenticity and beauty to me without the abuse So thank you 💗
Dang my wife did me like that the whole time, love calmed me the first few days after we meet talking about oh this is special, this is a gift from God this love is meant to be, constantly telling me I’m mean and cruel to her children, even though she had lost her children and I paid ALL THE $$ to help her get it back, was constantly trying to divide my family, friends even my child!!! Would tell me they said things about me they didn’t... finally after looking at my accounts I took her off all my accounts, refused to buy her and her children every little thing they wanted and told her your gonna have to go to work and help out around here!! Oh shit that was the beginning of the end!! She moved out of our marital bedroom for 4 months and lives on the other side of my house, her and her kids wouldn’t y’all to me, help me in ANYWAY.. she and her daughter worked yet wouldn’t contribute ONE DIME TO ANYTHING!!! All they wanted was all they could get from me, I couldn’t get her out of my house EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE A PRENUP!! I had to buy the woman out of MY OWN HOME!!!! She pounded me about counseling the whole time because she said I was so bad, I refused because I know me and who I am, after she had moved out of our room I agreed to go to counseling she said you waited to long and you’ve pushed me to far away I’m out of here!!! She came here with NOTHING and left with it all back and the ability to start a new life, I’m beginning to think my wife was a narcissist.. yet she tried to make me believe I was the one...
Lots of brooding, every day, then accused me of never touching him, this was so repetitive that I didn't want to touch him. He was so dark and brooding, I felt no light around him and that I had lost my soul.
Thank you Ashley.. you get straight to the point!!! You don’t talk around in circles... We need that knowledge that obviously you have. My question is, I do get a lot of gaslighting.. Why me!? How did I let this happen!?? The strong independent Fun ‘ash’ woman is gone. BUT MY GAS-LIGHTER. IS VERY VERY QUITE about his abuse. And you are absolutely right.. I have fell so I’ll. From his crap. That I physically cannot leave .. though I long to. And that throwing EVERYTHING back at you!! WOW!? I have become so bottled up. I stay away from because of what he has done to me. I cannot be myself, hurrying to get back home. My husband is brilliant at what he does to me. And as one of the messages I read. No 3rd, 4th party will ever understand!! But boy, does everyone love him.. when no one sees what he’s done and continues to do to me. I have been watching and following you, and I now am able to little by little, confront his gaslighting!! Because this Quiet abuse has literally diminished my health.. I would have left long ago... Thank you for sharing and really explaining gaslighting! & I DO HOPE THIS REACHES YOU!! I hope 🤞🏼 you can give some advice on the quiet 🤫🤫. Gas-lighter.
Wow 1st listen about it! Was in a 10 yr now realise toxic relationship he made me feel a million dollars spent all his money on me how beautiful I was, things got worse. Felt he owned me. Knew everything I was doing called my family & friends till felt I had no1 but him. Say nasty things passive aggressive I lost my mind!! Few things u said there resonated 😢 Finished in 2014 he got arrested & couldn’t contact me, I was a mess felt so alone!! Slowly building my life now, been really tough. Finding my identity again took me a long time.. been hell but I survived Thanks for sharing 🙏🏼
This is literally my ex. She’s cheated on me multiple times then strung me along for over a year until she found a new guy to discard me for. They recently broke up and she came crying back to me with promises to change and work on us. This didn’t even last a week. The first two days was just me coddling her about her break up. She went out with her best friend who has always been an enabler through all her affairs. Next day she has a bunch of random guys popping up again on her social media. The moment I want to discuss boundaries and both of our shortcomings in our previous relationship she no longer wants to be bothered. This has always been the trend with her. Only her issues matter. Not once was I able to vent my frustrations or concerns without her stonewalling or redirecting. Anytime I try to address a concern she “just wants a chill time”. I’m somehow speaking down on her by stating facts about her words and actions and how they make me feel. It had gotten to the point where I needed to screenshot everything I bring to her or she would deny everything or accuse me of gaslighting. She blocked me today. I told her I could no longer listen to her go on about her most recent break up nor want to speak about emotions since our very own relationship is off limits.
You are totally correct. No apologies ever. The bare minimum. But a small break from the torture. And you’re soooo broken mentally you will accept almost everything just to make it stop.
This is so true. The one who vowed to love and protect me is in the ed 25 years later is the one I needed protected from . I was so blinded by my love for him i couldn't see the truth thank you for this video. I never knew how to explain what I was going through so I the only way to explain it was he's fisherman and I'm the bass lure. He pulled me in and threw me out. Over and over
I believe that my best friend is in this situation, I am worried about him.. I have never seen him allow his girlfriend to repeatedly disrespect him without him dumping them. He is a so much better person than she will ever be. He supported her throughout the relationship, he tells me about the things she does often that really bother him. Like stealing his credit card and running up $800 in gas in one month, giving his stuff away to her friends, She puts him down for doing the things he loves. My friend enjoys playing video games a lot. But he does all his work and pays all the bills, really disciplined about his responsibilities and I admire that part of him a lot. I could name many more similar things she has done. She stays out all night with her friends at the bar or parties. I think she is cheating on him as well. My friend knows deep down something is wrong but seems unable to take action to get rid of her. It is hard to watch my lifelong best friend getting hurt over and over by her. I just don’t know what to do to help him find his confidence again and stop her abusing him.
It is incredible how your employer, your family, and your lover can gaslight you. The constant attack on your judgement, on everything you say is crazy.
"...a friend, a family member, a spouse or a lover"... How about a pastor? What a terrible position for a narcissist to be in, to be able to prey (and Pray) over the sick and elderly, the weak, those looking for guidance and counseling - for those seeking to love and be loved, to find help, to seek their purpose, only to be subjugated by hateful, manipulated, premeditated gaslighting, and the use and abuse of the narcissist's power.
Yeah, what about a POTUS as he gaslights , plays victim , blames , rages, lies and manipulates his supporters.They are so sucked in and don't have a clue what this bloodsucker is doing. According to his staff everyone hates his guts, my my wonder why.
I am in that relationship with a pastor. I saw some early signs, but once they draw you into their web it’s hard to get loose. I guess I will just have to be direct and to the point. Otherwise he will never let go.
Awww shitt that does hapoen in any faith...my close friend, a victim of pastoral abuse...countless so called church elders tryna to molest the daylight out of new devotees... demonic sociopathic infiltrations more common in schools and colleges and churches and hospitals. Gaslighting hynecologist / cancer specialist, anypne?
I just came across this but thank you, you completely explained my life for the last seven years, I was beginning to think I was crazy.... but almost 1,000,000% this is exactly been my life with someone that I was trying to make a life with wow
Hi! My apologies...Most people do not know what gaslighting is by the way. Other than your initial statement...”You are absolutely spot on!”. I have 32 years of exposure to it; found out the label for it a year ago. Only those of us who experienced the pains from being “gas lit,” know what it is. I liked your video. My ex-wife did this to me for years. It definitely breaks you down and your self-esteem goes down the drain completely. I almost got mentally destroyed by the experience. You end up feeling like crap! You described the “Love Bombing-devalue-discard” cycle superbly. Its definitely all about control. I’m glad I’m finally free from the my ex-wife, well almost. She is stringing the divorce out. She did everything you described in this video for years to me. Thanks!😀👌
31 years with my crazy gas lighting narc. I too did not know what was happening, I knew something was wrong but never had a name for it Until now. I was even on meds for depression for a time, this man has destroyed me to the point of no return. I am totally dead inside. BUT I SEE HIM NOW! I pray every day for God to help me out of this. Thing is, I have noone, I and nothing. I now know what a caged animal feels like. But I keep looking for that chance to be free. It's all I think about.
![GEEK TIMË [OFFICIAL AUDIO]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/ry-6RvkH880/mqdefault.jpg)
Just broke up with my gaslighter today and this video hits the head on the nail. Get out and break free because it will never change.
Kazi Decuir sucks when you're married to the person, and don't believe in divorce :(
@@barbiedolldrip6899 I'm going through a divorce right now and my gaslighter was so good of gaslighting me to the point where she had me thinking I need to take medication to the point where I was taking it for something I never had a problem with and for the longest time videos like this reminded me of what I always used to hear myself say and didn't realize I was waking up when I told her I never had to take medication before I met her and I didn't have any problems now all of a sudden I have these problems that you said I always had it was the gas lighting . 😢
@@barbiedolldrip6899 [ what is your claim for a marriage? You know, claims must be articulated. Men cannot telepathize(?)]
@@barbiedolldrip6899 do you believe in life?
:Amadeus :Țurcanu-Moisl. well. he's a porn addict. he refuses to have sex with me. he's emotionally detached. he controls what i post on social media. controls what i wear. he won't give me access to the bank account. won't put me on a phone plan (we live overseas) so.. i always try to be the prettiest i can be, clean and cook, be kind and loving.. he wants to go to counseling thank god, but i feel like i'm never doing anything well enough for him.
Very needed and informative video. My ex gf manipulated and gaslit me all the time. Constant lying, which took advantage of my empathy and tore down my boundaries. Went completely no contact with her, but she really made me question my reality, and I wanted to die. 2 years later, I know the red flags now. So many good people get sucked into these relationships, and I feel this video is incredibly helpful in learning the red flags and how to avoid relationships like that. Life is too short, so make the best of it! Thanks Ashley, we appreciate your insight!
its my belief that dating sites are full of people with serious mental issues . the problem is to find compatibility on those issues . ex : people with anxiety or post traumatic stress disorder should not have to go through getting into a relationship with a narcissist . unless a three year ex of mine is confused about what a narcissist actual is , she sure seems like one herself .
Isaiah Draeger right there with you...glad you got out
You are right about going for easy prey, if you have stuff which they think is useful to them- the more they come out of the woodwork- and the old cliche "They take kindness for weakness" is not just a cliche- it is absolutely true. I hate to say this, but you almost have to expect the worst- not the best- out of people- until you have known them for a long time. Also you have to work backwards- and think - if I was this other person- and I was bad- what would I be trying to get out of me.
@@carmichaelmoritz8662 what i do is take my time and put up boundaries...if they have problems with it from the start or automatically change their ways to suit you...then they are fake. Also if it's too good to be true than it probably is!...I'm in relationship with one and trying to work it out. I've sought treatment because I'm not sure who is causing the issues.
@@moarroz well i hope the best for you . for me i know for a fact that it was both she and i that have issues , she more so then i due to the fact once she gets something into her head she wont let it be . she assumes things and labels others and does not see how and why things became the way that they are . she believes that i'm a narcissist and tells me i should own it and thats the only way i can heal . i mean wow . i've studied on narcissism and know for a fact thats not my issues .
The trauma bonding is real. It’s so freeing once you finally escape.
Sure is
What's trauma bonding
I need to escape ... i just cant.. im trapped... scared... anxious
I keep thinking I’ve escaped
but get sucked back in
@@sanahkhalid3288 hope you're ok
Our world is filled with such EMPTY people! We need to teach more than just:
1. Shakespeare
2. WW1/2
3. CALCULUS
And include "essential life elements":
*self love
*marriage
*Heath and wellness
*finance
*Relational LOVE
*positive relationship signs
*negative / TOXIC relationships signs
This may help combat the high FREQUENCY and cycle of abuse at levels in all areas of society - pivotal to both the victim and perpetrator (who was also a victim at one point).
Thank you for this video 🌷
Focused Lids their “society” would fall to pieces without abusive parenting. We who can see need to opt out and go no contact with this lying manipulative and controlling “culture” as much as humanly possible.
Ann Bell though that would be best, the circle of hate, abuse and anger would continue.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment @Focused Lids.
100% agree and have always believed this.
Gaslighting is manipulating the victim to doubt their ability to correctly perceive reality.
Sure is.
Yesh but ss long as you do believe your reaity.you are not playing their game.If he says thats why he doesn't talk to neighbours,tell him straiight that you do.
True. Harley Quinn is that you? LOL.
Ladenna Young Where else have you seen me?
Before you enter into a relationship with anyone, make sure your own house is in order first. Make sure are in the right places physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Being in the right place in each of those aspects will help prevent you from getting into the type of relationships this woman is describing.
And then after you do get into a relationship, make sure that you continue to stay in the right places, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, that way so that have problems do arise, perhaps like the ones that she is describing, perhaps ones that are different, so that you will be able to take the appropriate course of action.
The Cowboy true.
I read this and took it in and I agree. I have now learned from painful experience and mistake after mistake from not doing this it's a mistake tht cost dearly, however I'm now looking forward to learning and growing in life and also looking at myself and how I can be better as well. Good comment and every true
Easier said than done.
@@beanzbeanz yes it isn't easy especially after abuse from narcs all anyone can do is try I suppose and I think that we at least have support from people who have gone through the same type of ordeal. There is a good bunch of opinions and ideas it's just finding one that resonates hates with you
True. I did it for myself. When divorce kicks in it was easier for me to signed.no argument. And now he is wishing it was different. For what.. I am celebrating victory.
I lived 13 years in that. Everything you said was like you were narrating my entire marriage!! My divorce was final May 1st!
The key is.....you have to leave people. A bad trip doesn't improve with time....it just gets worse........or stays the same. Imagine a slow train wreck played out over many years.......and you have a situation you need to leave today.........to save your "future good years" from becoming rearview mirror "bad years".
Brilliant. Thank you
thank you for your comment, we have had to leave the situation and it is heartbreaking for us as grandparents.
Another key ingredient that added a VERY great deal of insight for me is the concept of trauma bonding. Gaslighting, coupled with intermittent reinforcement, creates a dynamic that is literally drug addictive. It opens the floodgates in the brain of the victim for the feel-good drugs of Oxytocin, Seratonin and Dopamine. This is why many toxic relationships can be very difficult to leave. Once you realize that your addiction to another person originates with the chemicals swirling in your own brain, you are on the road to recovery and getting out from under the abuse. Yes, it is easier said than done, but with the right focus, effort and support, it can be done. Thank you very much Ashley!
I endured this life for 11 years from my gaslighting narcissist ex-wife. May the universe of karma bring back all the hateful negative energy to the gaslighters of the world in spades.
solice8844 you will be blessed it's more difficult sometimes especially if you are Male I hope we support you like we support each other and I hope you get the love you deserve
how did your wife gaslight you? did she have too many friends, did she behave normally, what were you doing???
bpd
I’ve never hears anyone describe my situation more eloquently. Thank you 💜💜💜💜
I feel blessed to finally sever marriage and now with a normal loving kind gent. So so happy. Only wish I'd listened to my instincts at the very beginning! Better late than never! Onwards n upwards!
I cannot understand why anyone would want to do this to another person? Especially someone who cares about the abuser so much, what does one gain from treating someone this way? It blows my mind.
They think they're gaining control.
They learned early, and figured the narcissistic strategies would protect them from pain. There's pain in there but it's completely inaccessible, especially to them. There's no point sticking around, the chances of them letting this go are tiny.
That's what I said. I didn't understand.
They have a distorted view of reality and they think you either prey or get preyed on. They think everything is a competition and they destroy anynody they get too close with because they feel threatened by everybody and can't see relationships as teams.
Their are self centered fuckers
This is an EXCELLENT video!! The reason i stayed in the marriage for as long as i did is because it was not all bad, he did nice things from time to time, those crumbs. He would call me "bad" almost daily, but it was in a tone that he could claim he was joking. So i never knew if i was over reacting or not? Other times it was crazy, over emotion, on my period or over reacting when i would try and talk a problem, any problem, out with him. He never took any responsibility for his actions even when it was blatant, the lies were amazing sometimes. I would leave the conversation more confused then when we started the conversation. This would of been a great video to ease some of the cognitive dissonance i had while i was trying to leave the relationship, because they do not want to let an easily manipulated person go.
It's not "would of" it's "would have" or also spelled "would've" which sounds like "would of"... Pass it on. But still, good comment.
You just describe my life with my husband. Winstead of lies...he has been hiding everything from me and when I ask him about something, he tells me that it is not my bussines. It is a long story.
I meant to say: " instead.."
@@jhh2001 Really, you needed to correct her grammar in a RUclips comment...? A lot of people comment from their phones, where it is harder to type and autocorrect changes words.
Correcting grammer in an online forum is just kind of lame.
Camille Harris the behavior you are describing is called covert hostility
in the emotional tone scale it is a 1.1 on that number scale
a 1.1 is stuck between fear and anger
I have often heard it said that this is the worst form of emotional abuse. I guess it depends on your other experiences, but nothing tells you more about what you have dealt with or are dealing with that this person cares not one iota about you. Hindsight is perfect 20/20 vision. "Time to exit stage right".
Thanks! I needed that cue.
This is the best video on gaslighting I’ve ever seen!
Omar Alexander yessss
Agreed!!! It is very best I have seen also.
Definitely the most interesting and best explained!
For me it's not so much him verbally assaulting my character. It's more about his denial and totally dismissing and refusing he cheats. He never admits he ever did it even when he is caught.. he says he did it because he was accused of it. He says I am crazy and insecure. I know I am not. He is not someone who ever apologizes or admits or cares to discuss why he took the day off work and gets text from these ex girlfriends after he gets home. But says it's my fault he was with them ..
yep... it’s like the exact same one identity was in all of our experiences. what one of us writes about that sick person we hung out with is interchangeable with what everyone else writes. it’s a testiment to how undeveloped and simple this person was to have never evolved into being a unique, sovereign, whole individual. they all cheat lie n text under your n everyone else’s nose. it’s so simple n pathetic that typical people can’t hardly comprehend it. best to comprehend u can’t make sense of the senseless and learn to stop being sincere with an insincere person. Knowing them is just like standing in front of a brick wall and beating ur head on it. Good luck to u and remember that He is the minority. most of the rest of the world is so far opposite of their reality. u will see that more n more clearly after the fog lifts once u get away. i made decision to just let all of the cards fall n walk. u know the blame and gas lighting will be the ultimate worse for walking but just know... that’s the last round, let them nail the coffin shut, and u can finally stop being afraid of the “what’s next” screw job hell alternate reality that they keep u in. best way is pull plug with no explanation. u will look back with the “what’s next” fear A LOT for a long time but it gets better n better every day once u recognize that a fair exchange with someone as incidental as a store clerk in a 3 minute store transactionfeels like more consideration and respect than what a narc had to give over the course of years. best wishes!
xo
I knew without a doubt when you spoke of those miniscule amounts of affection and caring. I am a subscriber now.
Thank you, Ashley. This has been a very informative video. It has been over 5 years now that the narc's mask fell off and I experienced absolutely soul crushing gaslighting, projections, name calling, blame shifting and the usual gimmicks. Thankfully, I binged numerous videos and educated myself. The ONLY way I came out of the effects of gaslighting is by NOT responding or reacting to any accusation and kept telling myself who I really am like a chant/mantra. Positive, nurturing and compassionate self talk helped me deal with the pungency. Maintaining a gratitude journal, practicing basic breathing techniques and self love helped me heal too. Love, light and peace to all❤
I remember my ex said the neighbors don’t like me. I went on the front porch and yelled out “do you honestly think I care if the neighbors don’t like me!” He tried to rush me in the house. The neighbors told me later that they don’t know me to not like me.
That was a good one! I can't stop laughing🤣🤣🤣
I love that they decided to speak up and share they had no reason to dislike you! Genius. Oh and he tried to rush you inside, that is hilarious!
Your story stinks of bullshit.
sayingthe thingstheywont so does your breath
@@diannwhitaker6 Damn. That sounds like my father. Between my mother and I this has happened. At different times we were driven crazy by my father and there was screaming on the street. Worst one was back in March of 2018 father came at me after a verbally abusive fight and chased me out on the street with me screaming. I was ready asf to move out. Only to move in with another psycho. I'm still biding my time to finally move out. 😥 ALONE PREFERABLY or with good friends.
I really wish a neighbor came out and saw what was happening that night. And saw how batshit insane my father was. Been living in fear all my life and I'm DONE with it.
These people all they are is about appearances and their perception from others.
Did your ex also try to keep you on pills to keep you from acting "erratic?" My mother is heavily medicated but I'm not. Though he wishes I was!
10 years ago, I was engaged to a classic narcissist. He would constantly be the hero in every situation, often putting me down in a “you’re just naive, and I know best” way. But, he took care of me very well and treated me out often, so I figured he was right. Was to the point where I had to rely on him for EVERYTHING, which he encouraged. It finally dawned on me that I was so far behind all of my friends, and by then I had to relearn how to take care of myself and be independent.
Long and difficult road I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
If you’re in a similar situation- get out. Now.
This is what I've been realizing has happened....he wanted me to rely on him but then he would find out the info and make me feel bad about it...I realized I've moved so far backwards...
That is so interesting. My son-in-law is a narcissist to his core. I also noticed that he always had to be the hero in every situation, even when somebody smashed into his semi, he couldn't just go to the rescue, he had to brag to everyone that he was the hero. The engine burned out on her beautiful SUV that she needs for the kids and he went out and bought himself a new car, gave her his old car and she made an excuse for him. I'm seeing so much of that in their family and I wish my daughter would wake up, but she won't she's brainwashed.
Maybe being raised by her Psychopathic father made her susceptible and I blame myself for that because I stayed 25 years.
Sugar Free When you’re in that type of environment, you just don’t know. I was always told “bad men” treated you like crap verbally and physically, so because he didn’t- I thought he was a great guy. And I don’t think anyone at the time could have talked me out of that.
All you can do is share your experience. Ask questions when you can (in the way a therapist would, non judgmental). See if that helps her at least open up...
BEST OF LUCK!!
My parents are like that, they dont let me pursue a career even though i can pay it by myself, dont let me work outside of the family business, dont let me be a modern millenial feeling proud to be single, im supposed to be ashame to be women to have 25 and no man want me, they tell i dont love my family, im ungrateful, for not helping, everyone want i man, except me, they even ask my sinlings if i was lesbian to take me to china to cure it.... Fuck them... I saved enough money to leave them, and finding a stable job that is not related to my family
Very helpful video, it has brought even more clarity to my situation. I've known for a long time that he is abusive but to have it broken down like this is extremely eye-opening. Also, to be able to put a name to something I have felt I can barely explain (without feeling like it's impossible for someone else to see this as abusive) has given me much needed validation. Thank you so much
So, this was me. British man, 56yrs, narcissistic mother still abusing everyone at 85yrs. After a year of therapy and years of worsening health (physical and emotional), I have understood what she has done over decades. Now a few months into no contact. Now it all makes sense. I feel like a fool.
@@desire4liberation thank you x
I so needed to hear this after a toxic friendship that definitely used gaslighting techniques to manipulate me. I have carried stress for a while due to it, I now know I am not actually going mad. I broke free, but needed confirmation that I am not the person I have been accused of being. Thank You 🙏
Thank you Ashley.You help me tremendously through my recovery journey after 18 years of gaslighting.
Wish you the very best and thank you for being here for all the souls in need.
Extremely happy and proud of your recovery journey! Thank you for your message, I so appreciate you!
Bottom line: gaslighting is a representation of how you are being erased by the abuser. Your perceptions are not acknowledged therefor you are not acknowledged. It’s essentially the abuser saying you don’t exist. Takes away your autonomy, your only purpose is to take the blame for how much they hate themselves.
use your phones to record their gas lighting and show ur family n friends ....that's how you beat a sociopath
Nomadic prince In some states it’s illegal and if they have proof, can win a case against you. I learned however if you have a recording where they threaten you in any way, the courts will allow it.
Nomadic prince I recorded my ex and he went ballistic when he heard it...”I didn’t consent to being recorded, this is illegal”. He sounded so evil on the recording and he knew it would ruin his reputation.
Yes, record because they try to make you feel like you made up everything that you think they’ve done wrong to you because to them it never happened
@@livmarieinc4141 why did you date him?
Holographic Multiverse in work situations you really do need to. Sometimes you can’t always escape from these type of people. It’s best to always document to cover your ass.
Thank you for clarifying the gas lighting so well. I was in this situation for 24 years. Emotionally free now, I am still trying to rebuild and financially break free. But it's like putting together a huge puzzle. So we'll explained videos like yours always help understand a little more. Thank you.
Been in counseling for about a year now trying to sort my head back out after being with my gaslighter for 8 years. It feels like I was a brainwashed prisoner. The day I finally broke my mind out of the gas long enough was like escaping hell.
Others have probably experienced similar years after the fact when these demons are still in your head telling you how escaping was just confirming all the bad stuff the abuser ever made you believe about yourself. It's still a struggle to get right in your head after shutting off the gas, but like everything good, it takes time. Good luck to anyone finding this or any videos like it who are trying to find out what life should be without their abuser. We're stronger than we thought for a time.
Thank you for this video it was great. My ex-boyfriend the narc use gaslighting on me often. He would accuse me of doing things that I never did. He had an elaborate story. I finally realized what he was doing. I've never met anybody in my lifetime that did this to me. I am 62 years old and I'm shocked at the level these people will go to to destroy the one that loves them the most. Two years out and finally healing thank you
Good for you Jenny me too but three years out...He would accuse me of the most ridicules things that were actually what he was doing like squandering the money being lazy, and calling me fat, a cun* and a bat...awful put downs that chip away at your self esteem. Along with violent rages smashing things and hitting me when he promised he would never do that. He said it would take someone built like a brick shit house to put me under the thumb lol! I was just too strong for him he even resorted to injecting steroids to get bigger and scare me, so that was my cue to get out before he got even more violent. I thought I could fix him, he was abused as a kid but his demons were too powerful for me to fight..so I chose flight.
You explained this in an amazing way.... Thank you. I am in the process of trying to leave my narcissistic partner (15 year relationship - 3 kids).
No one really understands what I’m saying,, this helps.
Thank you again.
I am now a subscriber 🙋🏻♀️
I think my husband continues our terrible relationship so he looks “stable “ to the rest of the world.
Gwen13061 Bingo! They are unstable, self-hating fractured ego souls who project onto you so they don’t have to feel their own pain. Second, the idea you might leave them is terrifying - you ARE the only stable thing he has. Control. Get the hell out. It never ever everrrrrr gets better - only worse. I‘m moving out this weekend. No boundaries. Evil shit.
Mine continues to look stable to the world. My best friend took his side, this was nearly 6 years ago. He has covert narcissistic behaviours on a spectrum. I divorced him 2 years ago, now I am just starting my counselling diploma, will be fully qualified in 2 years, and I will taking on clients who have been in relationships with narcs as my specialty...
Literally same we broke up and my ex still where's his wedding ring, it has no emotional significant value to him it's literally just for appearances. We will be divorced a year from now and he will probably still be wearing that ring because to people like that they don't want to look like failures to their work associates and what not
Absolutely!!!
My Husband does this.. Or.. at least he tries..
I've just escaped a 1 year relationship with a gas lighter, and am only now realizing how abused I really was in that situation. You're right about every detail, from loss of identity to confusion and empathy in the good moments. I did cling to that... even I knew I was crazy but couldn't let go. He's now manipulating me from afar and it's been the hardest breakup of my life.
The worst part. I miss him everyday.
I needed this dose of reality.
Thank you.
The number one (misunderstood or unrecognized) tact that keeps people hooked is love-bombing. The carrot is dangled (crumbs provided) intermittently. Often it appears quite genuine/sincere. It is not in reality. Healthy individuals sustain, while toxic individuals do not (that’s key).
I’m well done with all this hocus-pocus - way too much energy goes into the wrong people.
Knowing the signs & specific behaviours is extremely important.
i know the feeling...now, awake for 9 months after 40 years with my covert narsicist wife, unfucking believable..what i have allowed this demon to do to me...destroyed my physical health...and much more..oh this scary...and now i know it started in childhood (im 62 now) with unworthiness trauma ..just recently had that revelation
mreloo
Hi mreloo,
Thank you for sharing your story!
It’s a bitter pill to swallow once realized - I’m so sorry to hear the crap you endured.
There is nothing good about them, zip!
I met the idiot at 52 - thought I knew better (I do now)!
I was blind-sided by the (plausible) love-bombing (thought that was the real him) - nope, I was wrong.
I’ve stopped beating myself up b/c I was in it genuinely (and never thought I had to be so on guard). It is THEIR abusive pattern - including (especially) the love-bombing.
I’m sorry to hear what happened to you - yes, it’s all too relatable.
Take good care of you - they are disastrous nightmares. You (& those of us affected) deserve a trillion times better 💙
I’m 2.75 yrs out - however I often reflect on how horrid this individual was/is.
Just so grateful that I exited!
Glad you are out too!!!
@@carolb3869 oh still with the monster (met when both of us were 21) 2 years dating 38 years married... praying and working on an exit plan...this demon has hurt my physical emotional spiritual and financial persons so bad that had i not woke up 9 months ago she would have finished me off...and yes she knows i know everything... might have been a bad idea to show my hand but anger won out ...as a warning to others...staying to long in these relationships will result in your demise...i tried to leave 2 or 3 times but i didn't have a clue she was a covert narsicist and could not leave kids, didn't know about personality disorders...but after my daughters said to me one day wake up dad..she's crazy & u deserve someone who truly loves u...wow right there the spell was broken and i just so happened on a narsicist video and everything made sense, daughters did not know their mom was a narsicist ...my physical demise started the first year married with my testosterone leaving me...no sex drive...ive recently learned that the narsicist/Jezebel demons my wife is controled with do this to men and it opens u up to b humiliated. ..get this, she goes to mom and ask if im gay? devalue? oh yeh conveniently forgetting the love bombing that went on for the 2 years before that....sorry for going on but it helps to share this 40 year shitstorm...with intermittently a few crumbs thrown at u to keep u blinded to the abuse...i cant believe this even happen ..its like waking up from a bad dream into a nightmare ,so about 7 years in my immune system broke down.... .. looking back all these years i have been fighting for my life ...exercising...taking vitamins, chiropractors, Kinisioligest, massage. .. colon clensing, rolfing (deep tissue massage) kangen ionized water ,and more ...doing this before, during and after my illness struggles...one doctor said once, he couldn't believe i was still alive..i know now i have purpose...and this is the beginning of that journey..just as a reference here is a list of the physical mess im in..autoimmune disease (skin muscle) bone disease nercrocis, 8 joint replacements, blood clots, ivc filter(defective) blocked arteries in legs 2 (7 hour procedures) to stent open ivc filter and unblock R & L legs...lumbar disc disease .. callous on feet causing pain...knee replacements not straight causing pain ...chronic pain...over use of the strongest class narcotics...this stuff helped block the emotional trauma of her covert abuse...thankfully been able to reduce to 1/3 ,of what i was taking. ..last thought, about one year into dating i snapped on her at a party ..it was shocking,i was not drunk ,i started saying terrible things to her...your a fake u act all nice and innocent but really your a sneak ..sly...slutty...she use to act historionic when drinking the change to her personality was unbelievable i never saw anything like that...i didn't know what historionic was till recently but that's how she acted i felt unsafe with her, she would stare at men and say crazy sexual things,seductive and when not drinking miss godie two shoes ...i started hitting her also. thank God someone stopped me...someone took her home..next day i freaked went to her house and took her to a motel and just wept and begged forgiveness... she never said a word or asked a question i was glad cus I was soooo embarrassed by what I did ...i was had at that point,,i was hers to abuse ,i just felt she had me under her spell and thats how our life started...i pray God will restore me ...and heal my wife ...but as long as this thing controls her i must exit...that incident brought me to my knees and i turned to Jesus and became a bornagain Christian
mreloo
You’ve been through the ringer!!!
I was not involved as long (or close), so I don’t want to pretend I know the half of it.
What helped me:
Counselling (with an informed counsellor - important!)
Support group
RUclips vids (many channels on narcissism)
May I suggest: DSD Dad’s surviving divorce (Duane)
Narc ology unscripted (Dave)
There are many many more - I’m sure people on this channel can weigh-in (& suggest).
Many will be able to relate to you - you are not alone - RUclips has provided a wonderful medium so there is awareness & education.
Not all channels are beneficial - you will find the ones that work best for you. Ashley is great!
Try them, I swear they have saved so many!!!
Carol B I recommend youtube channels
Dr Les Carter
The Royal We
I can’t imagine what you have gone through.....but it is REALLY healing to find others who have experienced some of the crazy-making personally in their life. Takes a long time with going through the stages of grief....and time!
Recommended books are: Out of the Fog by Morningstar
Healing from hidden abuse by Shannon Thomas . Learn all you can, it helps with the puzzle pieces!!!
Ashley Berges.. I, for the life of me, could not put a finger on EXACTLY what was being done to me. No matter what my Husband tried, said, did, I always said to him that, he wasn't Man enough to break or tear me down, that, I wasn't built that way. To recognize it tho', or give it a name, evaded me. Thank GOD I ran across your Channel today. Thank you for educating me, I am now, binge watching and arming myself. Trust and believe me, you helped me fight more than half of my 11 year battle with this 14 minute video.. Bowing..
#ThankYou ❤
Mrs. Shenea Watson dealing with same 11yrs could not put my finger on it but knew something off with me. It can be so subtle.
Thank you so much. Currently trying to separate from my husband of 13 years of this complete madness.
Jen Sowers same. It’s hard when you have kids too add to it.
I am glad I didn't marry him. 10 years, I kept trying to say he'll change, we'll grow together. Never happened, I'm waiting on my apartment now
How are you doing Jen?
Great description and examples of gaslighting +. The consistent blame, telling me I got it wrong, and saying other employees do not like me was just the beginning and the last time a narcissist will enter my life. I got it right and he would do anything to gain one iota of “supply”. Thank you for saying it is abuse Ashley!
So awesome Ashley, you completely nailed the gaslighter - while he/she “nails” us to the cross - so hard to get down when it’s a long-time family member like a sibling - please do video on our “resurrection “🦋🌷🦋🌷thank you! for your wonderful work 🌺♥️🌺
Best revenge is to leave and go be HAPPY! Heal and recover, never look back. It eats the Narc up. Narc's die more often than not COMPLETELY ALONE. The Narc runs out of people to suck off of.
excellent video. At one point some years ago, I did not know who I was. Your description of how one can lose one's identity was an eye-opener. I wish I had come across this information 15 years ago. Could have saved me from lots of anxiety and panic attacks stemming from that weird sense of feeling like I was losing my sanity. thank you for taking the time to make this video.
I just want to say to everyone in this situation, it is possible to get away. I wasn't at risk of physical harm, but I still lost chunks of hair and checked myself in to the mental hospital. Once I arrived I realized my situation wasn't as bad as I thought. I had about 75 people who would have kicked his ass at the ready and I will never forget those lovely people.. they gave me strengths beyond previously known. When I left, i completely ignored the person. Zero contact = zero chance for him to manipulate me. If I saw him I refused to speak or acknowledge him. It's not for everyone but it worked for me. Stay strong!
I was just gaslighted by a romantic interest. He had the nerve to call me PARANOID after he did it. Wow. Just wow. Ya know, its just as bad as being physically hit. Id rather be single.
I've been researching his behavior and narcissism in general for over a year now. We were married 15 years, I've been in a womens shelter almost 3 months now. Still co-parenting (he had a doozy of a discard). Every single word you said was dead on. But you forgot that once they learn the words narcissist and gaslighter they instantly begin to try to convince their target that they (the target) are the narc and that themselves (the narc) is the victim.
The one seeking mental health and personal development in the relationship is not going to be the narc. Nothing that they ever say is true, not the good, not the bad. They are patholigically allergic to honesty. It will literally destroy their identity to tell even a small truth.
I unmasked mine and completely deconstructed his false self and he melted down like the Wicked Witch of the West when Dorothy threw mopwater on her.
There is literally no trace of the false self image that I married remaining. He is just raw and ugly all the time now. I think he is reaching that state that I hear being called "collapsed." Quite dangerous, he's even become physically violent now too, increasing severity in increments.
Best explanation ever. Thank you! This can be very subtle as well, without name calling, but constantly controlling. Have read about narcissism for a long time without getting the gaslighting fully, and have now finally understood the abuse from my ex-narc much better, and it was gaslighting. He often combined it with excluding me and always to gain control. So freeing to read this, and finally get it - the covert narc I dated for 3 years - he was often using triangulation and it was the superficial sweet talks that made me doubt.
Thank you for this video. It is so hard to explain to others what I go through on a daily basis because there is nothing I can pinpoint like physical abuse or some overt action. For example, people don't understand why I don't just do what I want because it's not like my husband is physically stopping me and I am the breadwinner so I should be more powerful. But people don't realize that through his words and manipulation I have this invisible barrier preventing me from any action without his approval. And my husband has done everything that you've described including telling me how my family members and friends call me crazy and unstable and make fun of me, calling me a terrible parent, telling me I am a sociopath and psychopath and the doctors just failed to diagnose me, taking deep secrets I told him and twisting ithem around to point out how unstable I am, etc. Then every so often he does something nice and points out to me how he is the nicest person in the world. And one day I just realized that I used to be a strong person but he broke me. I am unable to make any decision, I second-guess everything I do, I am having issues with my memory, etc.yet I am so scared to leave because he is so manipulative and I fear that he would manipulate the courtd into getting the children.
He made sure I was never confident in my personality. He deflected examination of his behaviour by trying to focus on me, but never had any specific examples of what I'd done wrong, just vague statements. He accused me of being dramatic when I showed hurt after he did cruel things. He tried to evoke pity or sympathy instead of being accountable. He justified his treatment of me with vague statements about resenting me or how I had annoyed him. He used sarcastic and nasty humour to chip away at my self esteem. He would give begrudging apologies only when cornered and they'd be sandwiched in between vague complaints about me. He'd stonewall if it looked like he wasn't winning or ran out of excuses so ending the texting or phone call, leaving my place or telling me to leave his place. It truly was an education in narcissism. This video was helpful. Thank you. Of course the more small he made me feel the more dependent and trying to please him I became and lost my identity. I thought if he could just see how loving and good I am, he'd love me and treat me well. That's how you lose yourself and waste your time.
Ashley, you did a fantastic job hitting the nail on the head. I’ve watched many RUclips videos about the issue, and I gotta give it to you!! You’ve really broken it down so precise and clear cut.
I've been in this type of "toxic"relationship, so hard to get out because of constant manipulation and constant guilt 😡and constant the demeaning of your ...personality. 💁🏻💫⚡️😔✨cut the ties!!!! 💪🏻😁⚡️run!!!!
Everything you said is so spot on. Thank you for bringing light into so many situations that I was so blindly fell into in the past!
Not sure how i came across this vid . But you just described the past 13yrs of my relationship with my girlfriend! Thank you for opening my eyes !
It feels to me that the world at large is for the most part a gaslighting experience. I am learning to shield myself from the energies of others. Today I figured out how to raise a wall around my heart with a person. I didn't like doing it. After I did it I felt safe within myself.
Later I was out under the lovely clouds and let myself be wide open once more. A butterfly appeared high up and then a hummingbird shortly afterwards. I am fortunate that nature has no ego to get in the way.
Gaslighting done outside of relationships and in the workplace etcetera has to do with social engineering. I have been doing my research.
My technique: I disarm the gaslighter by discussing their tactics and manipulations in an open forum out loud in front of everyone involved without warning.I also give them an outline of what I will do to make sure their harrassment tactics/gaslighting doesn't continue. I also make sure that they know that it will be handled legally and with no outbursts, scenes or psychological retaliation on my part
Another fun tactic is distributing a fully explanatory email to all those within the situation. If the details are not so specific as to identify the author, it can be anonymous/different account and from "a sympathetic observer" who has observed and id'd the narc in action, or learned through counselling and past history how to deal with narcissistic gaslighters. Sending a wonderful video like this is also a great way to awaken people to the legitimacy and specifics of gaslighting.
You have my utmost respect.
@@richardallonzo6734 this is also a form of gaslighting by some perps. They do propoganda.
I let my inlaws do this to me, until I started to get knowledge in psychology. They did everything in this video down to a tee. I've completely detached from them now. I'm going back to college to become a psychologist, I also retire in 6 years, so what I really believe is that the gaslighters see the like in you, but its hidden from yourself. They make sure that you don't see it by putting you down to make you feel bad about yourself. My wife and her whole family is on a 7 day cruise right now, I refused to go because of school and work. In the past I would've missed work and school because of feeling guilty for not going. I know now that it's about making myself happy first and not subjecting myself their toxic ways just to try and get them to love me. I don't care now!!! I love myself!!!
Omgggggg this feels like my whole situationship! It has been awful
Oh God ......my wife!!! Everything, everything you shared I've been through 10 years. I went a filed for a divorce I am disabled and man she really worked on me.....but thank God I got the strength to go file........so true what you shared
Great video, 100% accurate. Thank goodness I'm no longer in the toxic, narcisstic relationship that I out up with for 6 years! It was pure hell.
I have realised after 38 yrs of pain and suffering the reason why my mother has been the gaslighter in this toxic relationship, doesn't help that she is a narcissist. My eyes are finally open and it feels great. It feels like a sense of empowerment has been returned. I was blamed for my fathers suicide and she has stuck by this story her whole life, never sitting down to open up and discuss with me, always on the defence when i bring it up and then bang ....all out assault. Thankyou Ashley as you have cemented once and for all what i have been thinking as far back as i can remember that NO i am not a bad person and Karma has shown it. She has lost that mask that she has been wearing for so long..friends and family have slowly started to distant themselves as her true colours are now seeping through the cracks. Her grandchildren are starting to see who she really is as her emotions run wild.. Now when i tell her that people can see past your fake intentions and kindness i get the blank stare..always saying it with a smile(Narcissist can not stand when you dont snap back) I get the teeth gritting and verbal abuse but i'm already out of there.
🎯resonates ... I stumbled upon this video for a reason and my eyes are open!! Thanks for clarity ❤️💫💫💫
This is my life! This information helps me see things so much more clearly.
I’m constantly asking if I’m the narcissist because the crumbs you talked about is spot on
Narcs have no self awareness. So rest assured you were the abused. Abuse = control. Fighting back those abuses doesnt make you a bad person.
William Nakagawa Thank you
This video is 24K Gold. I had a relationship like this 20 years ago. Often the gaslighter is a covert narcissist and you won't spot it right away. I didn't know until I was totally committed and got very hurt when it fell apart. These people will hurt you and feel good doing it. They have zilch empathy. Anyway the crumbs of hope - literally - can keep you hooked along with feelings of insecurity or other causes inside you that make you not walk away. If food smells BAD it usually is and you throw it out. If your partner consistently makes you feel bad except those crumbs - then it's like the BAD food. Now when you do realize something's up or gotten so bad you're leaving they'll come around... promise to change, promise the world but know they won't change. 99% they WON'T. Thanks for the enlightening video.
Every single thing fits, it’s scary! My mother was abusive in this manner. My husband is definitely ALL these things, He would NEVER hear this nor admit it at all. Instead, he would blow up verbally and go on the attack; primarily verbal and mental abuse. He likes to use my weaknesses against me. Everything is irrational and he will always blame me for everything. He then loves to try to take care of me when I am broken. You have nailed “gaslighting.” Subscribed, thank you so much.
I think she is absolutely right. I have been dealing with a lot of my own abusive tendencies while also trying to get my wife to recognize some of hers. Even though I blame a lot of the narcissistic type patterns that we experience in our relationship on her I have to have a little insight to my own abusive patterns that we both tend to feed off of each other on to keep the blame game going. But my main interest is not necessarily the behaviors themselves but what is feeding them. A lot of mental illnesses do come acrossed in this way such as schizophrenia, BPD, autism and pretty much any of the depressive or anxiety based illnesses. as my couples counselor likes to put it it's mainly childish like behaviors especially during the Tantrums. I would like to see some more videos explaining some of reasoning behind the behaviors and what can be done about the reasoning instead of just complaining about them and telling you to get out of the relationship because it is toxic.
Gaslighting can be way more subtle than what you just described
Oh my goodness, this feels like I'm waking up from a bad dream! Thank you!
This video definitely resonates with me . I am currently dealing with gaslighting from abusive neighbors .
Record everything they say and do in a diary. Just in case things escalate.
@@43pence48 Thanks
Great video. Thank you. Please add Financial Abuse to this. Financial control is something that slowly creeps up in these relationships, too.
I’m in it now up to my neck and I don’t have the resources to leave him. Thanks for reminding me that the little bit of affection he shows is just part of the game.
Realizing you've been being gaslighted and lied to for months is so embarrassing once you realize. You really feel like it's your fault, like you should have known
Yep totally resonated! It’s sad how much I take those very small moments of ‘caring’ as love and let everything else slide.
Thank you for this video. I am divorcing my husband who was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder. He has managed to use the disclosure process to convince my lawyer that he is the victim to my ill behaviour and I am the reason things are bad in our marriage. My husband is quiet and in his head. He looks like santa, acts like he slow to understand but he is he is listening, plotting and he acts through covert ways. I am trying to find ways to talk with my lawyer because I feel now I have to defend myself to him. After 7 years I am so mentally worn and emotionally ruened. You're one of the best presenters when speaking about this issue. Thank you for being clear, calm and not talking so loud. You are so grounded and fair in your messages. you gave me the line I needed to night to keep some belief in myself as I am ready to walk off the earth because I can't fight this on my own any more and no one believes me.
Thank you.. this is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today .. appreciate your expertise and guidance
Superficial kindness is huge.
OMG I can't believe this. You are describing my ex husband, in detail! So happy I got rid of it!
Literally describes what my next door neighbors have been doing to me for almost 20 years. Thank you 😊
This video speaks to me so much. Been married for almost 7 years and this situation has left me broken and clinging to reality. We have a conversation and by the end of it I’m tired and confused. I doubt myself. It’s always me. I’m the one that is ruining his life. His focus is always one me, what I’m doing what I’m not doing. He’s rude and mean then says it’s because he’s not getting what he needs from me. He’ll be super nice and sweet but when he doesn’t get what he wants I get the silent treatment for days and in the end it’s my fault. When things happen I’m clear about the fact that he is the one that has the problem but then I start to doubt myself. Am I over reacting? Am I really causing this in him? He’s not a bad person or is he? It’s just a mess in my mind. I ask him to get help and he believes he can deal with his issues alone. Doesn’t want to talk to a stranger about his issues. Doesn’t want me talking to anyone about our issues unless it’s a professional. I told him I want a separation but he begs me to not end things. At times I feel strong and then I feel weak and it makes me so mad at myself for being this way. I just have to understand that I’m in the cycle of abuse. I won’t give up on myself. I will survive this.
Thank you miss Ashley the work you do here is one of an Angel . Some of us are alone stuck with the gas lighters so to have such a voice speak soo much truth in a simple and straightforward manner makes this gold with heavenly wings have a great year 🙏🏾and a better life🤗
Wow! I am currently ending a relationship with a person who is a gaslighter. This resonates with me so much! . I'm so looking forward to watching more videos on this subject ! Thank you so much!!!
I can relate my husband is everything Ashley describes as a gaslighter. I have to save myself.
I am getting “gaslighted” on a regular basis and need your next video on how to survive it.
I know the gaslighter and it was about 6 months I realized what was going on. I see him now here and there and go greyrock because I know who he is. I am determined for that to never happen again. Thanks to videos like your and others I have learned a lot. Thank you. Your video was very insightful.
Thank you, everything resonates with my situation right now. My husband, anytime I would ask him about certain situations he would flash on me and turn it around on me like I’m the one in the wrong, always defensive.
This happened to me through a family member thatI thought I could trust. It was awful and took me years to heal from. These people are truly evil in my opinion.
This video is so clear! I find it very difficult to describe gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse! Thank you for explaining this so clearly and also for making me not feel as terrible and useless as I've been made to feel for so long.
Cognitive dissonance is the moments of caring, acts of kindness to question your reality. False sense of hope are crumbs that keep you connected to the illusion. We are being used and abused, manipulated at their discretion. Going along to get along, buying into the fantasy is just giving your power over to them. They hold the reigns and tug the ropes to get you to behave or comply or you'll be punished. Nothing gets resolved, it just keeps getting worse over time. I appreciate these videos of practical sound logical advice 👌
My youngest daughter is in a horrible gaslighting marriage. She has totally drank the kool aid and goes from calling and crying about how her husband makes her feel (she can't do very much right including parenting) to estoling how wonderful he is and what a hard worker he is. I have had to stop the relationship due to the children. I have seen them go from happy little toddlers to not being able to have fun at our house anymore because when the dad comes, with her, to pick them up it is completely frantic, rushed and incomprehensible. The oldest actually tries to hide. Just what the gaslighter wanted right?! Complete isolation from her family. Thank you for this video, I sent it to my daughter, however I pray she can come to grips with her situation and both get help. It's hard when her husband thinks he's perfect and totally incharge of EVERYTHING in the children and her life, but we still hope.
He will say when you were yelling....
One day my daughter said wait SHE WASNT YELLING
VALIDATED
My kids have started to validate me and it feels good
Thank you. Your delivery and speech really make things sink in. I’m two years out, but still phone “friends” with him, but it’s still the sweet/ mean confusing cycle. I’m trying to get the strength to just stop it!! Thank you 💗💗💗
Orchids Rising go No Contact, stop allowing them access. Saves your sanity.
NL F Thank you. I’m two days no contact. I have to treat it similar to an addiction to the savior complex, I realize. And There are so many more beneficial and beautiful people out there who mirror back true authenticity and beauty to me without the abuse
So thank you 💗
Dang my wife did me like that the whole time, love calmed me the first few days after we meet talking about oh this is special, this is a gift from God this love is meant to be, constantly telling me I’m mean and cruel to her children, even though she had lost her children and I paid ALL THE $$ to help her get it back, was constantly trying to divide my family, friends even my child!!! Would tell me they said things about me they didn’t... finally after looking at my accounts I took her off all my accounts, refused to buy her and her children every little thing they wanted and told her your gonna have to go to work and help out around here!! Oh shit that was the beginning of the end!! She moved out of our marital bedroom for 4 months and lives on the other side of my house, her and her kids wouldn’t y’all to me, help me in ANYWAY.. she and her daughter worked yet wouldn’t contribute ONE DIME TO ANYTHING!!! All they wanted was all they could get from me, I couldn’t get her out of my house EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE A PRENUP!! I had to buy the woman out of MY OWN HOME!!!! She pounded me about counseling the whole time because she said I was so bad, I refused because I know me and who I am, after she had moved out of our room I agreed to go to counseling she said you waited to long and you’ve pushed me to far away I’m out of here!!! She came here with NOTHING and left with it all back and the ability to start a new life, I’m beginning to think my wife was a narcissist.. yet she tried to make me believe I was the one...
Lots of brooding, every day, then accused me of never touching him, this was so repetitive that I didn't want to touch him. He was so dark and brooding, I felt no light around him and that I had lost my soul.
Thank you Ashley.. you get straight to the point!!! You don’t talk around in circles...
We need that knowledge that obviously you have. My question is, I do get a lot of gaslighting.. Why me!? How did I let this happen!?? The strong independent
Fun ‘ash’ woman is gone. BUT MY GAS-LIGHTER. IS VERY VERY QUITE about his abuse. And you are absolutely right..
I have fell so I’ll. From his crap. That I physically cannot leave .. though I long to.
And that throwing EVERYTHING back at you!! WOW!? I have become so bottled up. I stay away from because of what he has done to me. I cannot be myself, hurrying to get back home. My husband is brilliant at what he does to me. And as one of the messages I read. No 3rd, 4th party will ever understand!! But boy, does everyone love him.. when no one sees what he’s done and continues to do to me.
I have been watching and following you, and I now am able to little by little, confront his gaslighting!! Because this Quiet abuse has literally diminished my health.. I would have left long ago... Thank you for sharing and really explaining gaslighting! & I DO HOPE THIS REACHES YOU!! I hope 🤞🏼 you can give some advice on the quiet 🤫🤫. Gas-lighter.
Wow 1st listen about it! Was in a 10 yr now realise toxic relationship he made me feel a million dollars spent all his money on me how beautiful I was, things got worse. Felt he owned me. Knew everything I was doing called my family & friends till felt I had no1 but him. Say nasty things passive aggressive I lost my mind!!
Few things u said there resonated 😢
Finished in 2014 he got arrested & couldn’t contact me, I was a mess felt so alone!! Slowly building my life now, been really tough. Finding my identity again took me a long time.. been hell but I survived
Thanks for sharing 🙏🏼
This is literally my ex. She’s cheated on me multiple times then strung me along for over a year until she found a new guy to discard me for. They recently broke up and she came crying back to me with promises to change and work on us. This didn’t even last a week. The first two days was just me coddling her about her break up. She went out with her best friend who has always been an enabler through all her affairs. Next day she has a bunch of random guys popping up again on her social media. The moment I want to discuss boundaries and both of our shortcomings in our previous relationship she no longer wants to be bothered. This has always been the trend with her. Only her issues matter. Not once was I able to vent my frustrations or concerns without her stonewalling or redirecting. Anytime I try to address a concern she “just wants a chill time”. I’m somehow speaking down on her by stating facts about her words and actions and how they make me feel. It had gotten to the point where I needed to screenshot everything I bring to her or she would deny everything or accuse me of gaslighting. She blocked me today. I told her I could no longer listen to her go on about her most recent break up nor want to speak about emotions since our very own relationship is off limits.
You are totally correct. No apologies ever. The bare minimum. But a small break from the torture. And you’re soooo broken mentally you will accept almost everything just to make it stop.
This is so true. The one who vowed to love and protect me is in the ed 25 years later is the one I needed protected from . I was so blinded by my love for him i couldn't see the truth thank you for this video. I never knew how to explain what I was going through so I the only way to explain it was he's fisherman and I'm the bass lure. He pulled me in and threw me out. Over and over
I believe that my best friend is in this situation, I am worried about him.. I have never seen him allow his girlfriend to repeatedly disrespect him without him dumping them. He is a so much better person than she will ever be. He supported her throughout the relationship, he tells me about the things she does often that really bother him. Like stealing his credit card and running up $800 in gas in one month, giving his stuff away to her friends, She puts him down for doing the things he loves. My friend enjoys playing video games a lot. But he does all his work and pays all the bills, really disciplined about his responsibilities and I admire that part of him a lot. I could name many more similar things she has done. She stays out all night with her friends at the bar or parties. I think she is cheating on him as well. My friend knows deep down something is wrong but seems unable to take action to get rid of her. It is hard to watch my lifelong best friend getting hurt over and over by her. I just don’t know what to do to help him find his confidence again and stop her abusing him.
It is incredible how your employer, your family, and your lover can gaslight you. The constant attack on your judgement, on everything you say is crazy.
"...a friend, a family member, a spouse or a lover"... How about a pastor? What a terrible position for a narcissist to be in, to be able to prey (and Pray) over the sick and elderly, the weak, those looking for guidance and counseling - for those seeking to love and be loved, to find help, to seek their purpose, only to be subjugated by hateful, manipulated, premeditated gaslighting, and the use and abuse of the narcissist's power.
Yeah, what about a POTUS as he gaslights , plays victim
, blames , rages, lies and manipulates his supporters.They are so sucked in and don't have a clue what this bloodsucker is doing. According to his staff everyone hates his guts, my my wonder why.
I am in that relationship with a pastor. I saw some early signs, but once they draw you into their web it’s hard to get loose. I guess I will just have to be direct and to the point. Otherwise he will never let go.
Awww shitt that does hapoen in any faith...my close friend, a victim of pastoral abuse...countless so called church elders tryna to molest the daylight out of new devotees... demonic sociopathic infiltrations more common in schools and colleges and churches and hospitals. Gaslighting hynecologist / cancer specialist, anypne?
Is that a lady pastor by chance ?
I just came across this but thank you, you completely explained my life for the last seven years, I was beginning to think I was crazy.... but almost 1,000,000% this is exactly been my life with someone that I was trying to make a life with wow
Excellent synopsis of gaslighting.
Hi! My apologies...Most people do not know what gaslighting is by the way. Other than your initial statement...”You are absolutely spot on!”. I have 32 years of exposure to it; found out the label for it a year ago.
Only those of us who experienced the pains from being “gas lit,” know what it is.
I liked your video. My ex-wife did this to me for years. It definitely breaks you down and your self-esteem goes down the drain completely. I almost got mentally destroyed by the experience.
You end up feeling like crap!
You described the “Love Bombing-devalue-discard” cycle superbly. Its definitely all about control.
I’m glad I’m finally free from the my ex-wife, well almost. She is stringing the divorce out. She did everything you described in this video for years to me.
Thanks!😀👌
31 years with my crazy gas lighting narc. I too did not know what was happening, I knew something was wrong but never had a name for it Until now. I was even on meds for depression for a time, this man has destroyed me to the point of no return. I am totally dead inside. BUT I SEE HIM NOW! I pray every day for God to help me out of this. Thing is, I have noone, I and nothing. I now know what a caged animal feels like. But I keep looking for that chance to be free. It's all I think about.