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You Don't Have to Defend Yourself | How Not To Be Defensive
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- Опубликовано: 29 янв 2019
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YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEFEND YOURSELF | HOW NOT TO BE DEFENSIVE
Being defensive is something we all feel at times - for some of us, a lot of the time. And regardless of why we're feeling it, the truth is, it's not good for us or our relationships.
In today’s episode of Good for Me TV we're talking about the big 3 reasons we get defensive, how to not be defensive and the key mindset shifts necessary to help us realized that we don't actually even have to defend ourselves in the first place.
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Which one of these mindset shifts did you need to have most today?
I needed the third more ! I struggle a lot with this one, but not really the other ones.
The first one, why I need people to think current way.
"If I know who I am, that's what matters. "
@@catherined6399 Okay! Can you start working on the (mis) belief that other people have to approve of what you want, need, think or feel in order for those things to matter?
@Ange Lom Do you know why that is?
Never defend yourself to others because other people don’t really have the right to determine your value or worth. 🔥
So true and people are free and allowed to have their opinion
@@mireillelebeau2513 yes, yes and YES!!
Amen!
You're so right but it's so easy to get caught up in wanting people to like you and wanting them to see your value.
UNLEASHING POTENTIAL - PSYCHOLOGY VIDEOS
what I think is,
opinion
you think is
" the right to determine "
Defensiveness is a telling sign of insecurity/low self-esteem. I used to be very defensive at times (because I was insecure and had low self-esteem). I've since learned that part of having good self-esteem is being ok with not needing approval from others. It's something that I share with people as well.
Yikes..with that being said, Then I must have low self esteem and insecurity.
EDIT: did I just get defensive? 🤔🤪
Because people don't wanna be disrespected their insecure?
So according to you is becáis of insecurities??? Imagine using this statement in court 😂😂😂
When everyone you know is calling you a lousy person, then I might be able to take you seriously.
If you have no defense your not secure by definition it's like saying having a physical immune system means you have weak immune system
Mean and disrespectful people make me defensive.
Sandra, I'm going to lovingly challenge that. It's not the people who are being mean or disrespectful that's making you defensive - it's your thoughts about what they are saying that is making you defensive. You think those things they are saying mean something about you, but they don't. You think you need to make them understand or see things differently, but they don't.
Their words don't mean anything about you, unless you think they do.
Reader She's talking about taking responsibility for your own body, your own thoughts, your own feelings and their result, regardless of what other people are saying or doing. If they don't matter, if they're so mean, then what they say has zero worth. But responding and defending gives their words the power that they wanted from you.
Yes they just make me angry.
Sandra DiBiaso I concur . I believe that we human critters need respect
@@alexismorgan3543 blah blah blah blah. It doesn't give them power it makes them look weak and even weaker when you DNT tolerate the B.s
You don't need other people's attention or validation to exist or be happy. I live by this mantra. 😊
Love this.
My insecurities are insane :) I often find myself comparing myself to other people that I don’t even know, but they ask me something in my head so I can defend myself. Then I realize I am drifted out of my present moment, then self criticism comes home. And I am really trying to be normal person. Everyday.
I think it is best to not care so much what others think, it's harder than it sounds though. Thank you for the video.
Agreed - on both points!
I've always struggled with needing to be "right" and I end up being ashamed of myself after I go off on people I love. Its frustrating because they're the people I should be the least defensive with.
Yes, my mom always would remind me, "It's not whose right, it's what's right. " Meaning just let it go. Julie you are so right...Let people believe whatever they want.
These thoughts can come from having a physically and emotionally abusive parent.
Totally. We're definitely not born defensive!
@@juliakristinamah I've been in therapy a few years now and have learned that I am who I am because of my abusive parent. I feel like I have to defend myself so I don't get beaten or as a means of survival. Learning to not defend yourself is not easy. But, each time you ignore or walk away from a comment or critique you know was said to get a reaction from you, it becomes easier each time. I agree with Julia, I will think about the comment or critique a little bit, see what I can learn from it, and then move on. I find that the person making the comment feels unfulfilled because you have not responded or reacted. From there, they may continue by defending or justifying their statement, or worse try to get you into the discussion, for which I will respond either of two ways: 1) you are entitled to your opinion, or 2) if you feel this way, you truly do not know me. I would love more suggestions.
@@barefootmanifester Use the narc's favorite "apology" line: "I'm sorry you feel that way."
YES!, by not having your opinion heard. 😕
Exactly 😞😢😔
I hate when people act like they know me, like coworkers that literally my interaction trough the day is "hi" "bye" idk why people get this delusion that just cause you see somebody everyday you know them, lol. It's like they literally create a whole persona out of nothing cause you give them nothing.
This happens for me when I am feeling misunderstood. Recently I had two conversations with family & friends where I was feeling angry because they didn’t seem to understand me. The bigger reveal from your vid is to look closer at ‘Why’ I feel I need for them to understand me?? Thank you
I just want to be seen and heard.
Great video,
I just realized that at 62 that I am a highly defensive person. I have always pushed and attacked everyone I come in contact with and going back to my earliest memories.
This stops now.
My loving wife has mentioned over the years that I do not seem happy and now I understand that I have a character flaw that needs to be addressed and I know that I can fix it and it must be fixed so I can tell her honestly that yes now I am happy because I want to be happy and share my happiness with others.
I intended to treat myself like a recovering addict, so now I can never again think that I am being attacked during any conversation. I will need counselling and many books/ your type of videos to insure I stay nice. I started to make amends to all the people I have ever known.
Thank you and yes yes yes I have subscribed, rang that bell 🔔 and downloaded this video for mediate use ie: my new Mantra.
I've been called stubborn all my life and this is why. I have some internal NEED to be right and to be understood.
Hi Sharon, how are u? Have you overcome this feeling?
I can’t definitely relate to that! I want to remember to pause and breathe🧘♀️🙏🏽
I can stand being wrong or different. I want to be seen for what I really am.
This hit on the spot for me when I realize I defend myself at work if someone challenges why I did something. I’m so looking forward to letting it go and saying to myself “that’s how they see it” starting now.
Thank you. I really needed to hear this. I relate most to the first point. That someone has judged or criticised me and I don't like how they view me. What has shifted for me is that why do I need them to see me in a certain way if I know who I am? This is life changing for me. Thank you so much.
Yes, yes and YES!! Jumping up and down cheering for you Joanna.
Relate able!, yes, right! 😼
I relate to this as well. Thank you!! ❤️
You made this specific video when I needed it most. I can't thank you enough for how much your work has helped me change my life to one I love living. Your insight helps us fight the good fight and changes the world one healing heart at a time. God bless you
Illissa! This just filled my heart. I am so happy for you. And you are feeling good because YOU decided you wanted more. YOU decided you were willing to do the work to get to better. YOU decided your life was worth loving. Grateful to have you here.
Ilissa, I love your comment about Julia changing your life. You are a champ for taking action to work on areas that are leading to greater joy! And Julia IS awesome for the way her consistent videos and heart for helping people are making an impact!
Sometimes I get tired of stepping aside when I know that I am right. When do I get to be recognized for being right?
I struggle with this thought alot. I feel shameful for thinking it at times because I feel as though this is my pride or ego talking...But I think the grim reality of it is, as long as you know your right though willing to see another perspective. That's all that matters, because at the end it's all perception. The other person could argue the sky is green when it's blue and throw a fit over it, you just have to talk a pause and a deep breath and go "I agree that your perception of the sky is green, but that's not mine" and walk away. Because even though you want oh so badly for that person to say "yes the sky is blue" you may never get it, but what you can get is price of mineld ending the convo.
I think we have a strong need for validation especially from people whom we consider important and we love, our parents, our spouses, our family and friends. I find myself defensive with my husband very often, I found this video on a Sunday in morning, by Sunday evening I had an outburst of defending my work ethic. And I mean a BAD outburst. I know my heart and intentions, and it is important to me what my husband thinks but at this point Im tired of arguing , rebuttaling and the heated discussions
Inner peace
Hmmmmm you are not always right
@@Alex-jr1zs I never said that I was always right. Are YOU?
I've learned a longtime ago the best way to respond to criticism is handle it with grace and kindness.
How?
I grew up with people telling me who I am and not allowing me to be me. These were my authority figures so I had to take it. So as a young adult I had to start doing this thing where I said "no, that's not true about me, THIS is..." People took it as me being defensive but I always thought it was me just finally sticking up for myself and not taking abuse anymore. So am I being defensive when I do this?
You are not being defensive when you do that Kara! You are standing your sacred ground and stating who YOU are, and that is amazing.
Omg this was exactly me, except I didn't start standing up for myself until I was in my 20s.
No. Keep doing it. I'm the same way. I stand up for me and idc what people say.
Same
As long as it’s coming from a place of authenticity and not insecurity, then that is exactly what you should do! I have had similar struggles going up and am 21 now, still fighting to know myself on a daily basis, and to discern properly if I should stand my ground in a situation, or take a step back and let things play out
It took me a long time to realize that my argumentative nature ultimately stems from my insecurities.
I always get super defensive about questions -- i cannot stand the simplist of inquirys from people I'm close with.😫
Same. Petty criticisms from other half bait me and I defend myself. How do I stop? What should I say instead?
@@jillyjensen1776 I don’t think I get defensive anymore, but I am typically open as well - which can come across as being defensive. This is my biggest problem I think. For example, if a girl I am dating mentions something they notice about me, I am happy to explain my mindset regarding it - but this comes across as “defensive”. So instead of being open about my perspective, I’ve learned to just lovingly acknowledge people without explaining myself. To me, this feels worse - but it’s what most people want in response - just to be validated in their thoughts, rather than giving insight as to why.
So, basically, pick your battles. Which 'battle' with other people is worth disturbing your peace?
Absolutely. That's the key question to ask ourselves.
When they are imposing on your peace.
A few of them actually.
Great points as always! Intimidation through questioning is a ploy that people often use.
Yes- that absolutely can happen and we can decide if we want to take the bait . Good to have you here Robert.
It's not being defensive, its setting boundaries. People are only going to do what you allow them to do.
Yes it getting defensive. By definition. Like having immune system is getting defensive against germs. Psychologically defending yourself is not bad thing. a lot people especially men 🖤 men believe they deserve abuse from ♀️
We have huge homeless problem in richest country in the world because of divorce court bias because men DIDN'T get defensive against the feminine mystic claiming what should be considered Rent unpaid labor
This video was helpful. People pleasing or caring about what others think of me is a problem I’m working on. I know that I am a loved and valuable person. I make efforts to make good choices in life. I’m focusing on trusting God to lead me in the right path. If others disagree with my decisions, that’s their opinion and none of my concern. I want to leave defensiveness and insecurities behind!
For me my biggest struggle is tone.
I think I could argue on just about anything, even topics I wouldn't care about or become defensive over.
But if you ask me a question with a underlining accusative tone, ohhh boy herrreee we go!
You could ask "why are you drinking water?!" But having that accusative tone automatically takes my brain from a happy water drinking brain to "well hey why am I getting this negative tone for doing absolutely nothing to deserve it"
In those moments is extremely hard to not react defensively because I'm confused on what I did to deserve that tone, and when I get confused I become frustrated. And it's this cycle that never ends.
You are so good to listen to. Problems seem so simple.
Lol. They seem simple to her bc that's her perception, bc this stuff not easy for me
I'm so emotional and it's so hard to prove my self to my parents bc of that. They believe to know everything about me and we can't have a productive coversation. I'm college and it's still so difficult.
you will prove yourself to them over time. The way you live your life will show them. It took my mother 30 years to acknowledge that I'd picked the right career. Because her friends raved about me! I am a retired elementary art teacher, btw.
There are some personalities that release an assault, a barrage of criticism....unsolicited 'advice' - i.e. go to a different grocer (no one goes to that one), cook from written recipes (sends an example of a written recipe for food you have made that they like), clean the floor differently (repeats floor cleaning methods), change your front door (informs about sales on approved doorbell cameras, etc), you have the wrong floor plan in your home (explains superiority of their personal floorplan), you drive the wrong car (buys a new car & insists to always be the driver), your husband is not good (invites only 2 of your family for a mom/daughter party and on arrival there are fathers and brothers in attendance), your dog is not good (tells you how to leash, control and pen dog before they come over), you need to go to different restaurants (tells you where to go for discount cards for best places), you need to plan more parties (they 'deserve' to have a party hosted for them), on & on & on. I've NEVER felt so GOOD about ME as when I FINALLY kicked them out of MY life in Dec after a year of this & begging them to stop. I Never defended myself. I never had the opportunity to speak! I have NO idea why they Ever texted or called me? I am my Own Best Friend now! It's true, we don't have to defend ourselves.
Yikes! Sounds like you need some new, supportive friends in your life!
Thank you for your heartfelt post. In reading your post i realized I can/am be that person telling you a better way to do things. My intent has not meant to be critical but to share my knowledge or save you from my bad experience. I have had issues with codependency and needing to be needed. I see now thru your post how I can be damaging those around me by possibly making them feel bad about themselves and I am going to work on changing that. Thank you for the thump on the head. 😎
@Beth Mitchell I gotta research that! Although, I'm pretty sure the experience speaks for itself. Who knew there was a diagnosis? She's raising a baby G.A.H.N. too! Sad.
@Beth Mitchell Bingo
Yes. I am happy that you finally kept this person away from you. So toxic and controlling! Totally undetstand!!!
I couldn't care less what toxic people think; I care about how nastily they treat others and me because of what they think.
Mine is DEFINITELY because I dont want someone to have "that view" of me. Asking why I need them to have this opinion of myself to make it ok is such great advice!! Its OK for someone to not like something I did!
Amen Autumn!!
Thank you. My defensiveness is ruining my relationship so i need to figure out my issue and this is the most help I've had so far.
“Do you always want to be right or do you want to be happy?”
- H. Jackson Brown Jr.
I would prefer to be both, and it IS possible to be both.
@MARJAN You don't have to listen to me, but I'm just saying that it's totally possible.
Susan Jeffers also used this quote in her books. Loved her books a few years ago💜
I first heard it on Dr Phil.
Thumbs up! Shutter down sounds like stonewalling and that along side defensiveness are two of the four horses of the apocalypse of a relationship. My friend and I have noticed that the pattern of defensiveness is a facet of immaturity and results in a toxic relationship. There's a lack of self-esteem from having inadequate quantity or quality of positive affirmations. CBT is urgently needed before being in a relationship. It's a matter of responsibility. Otherwise, there's a wake of suffering ex-love ones. The fear of being toxic should be higher than the fear of being attacked. The affirmation urgently needed is: don't take it personally. "People may attack you, criticize you or ignore you; they can crumple you out with their words, spit you out or even walk all over you, but remember, whatever they do or say, you will always keep your value." -- Frederik Imbo
The last one, I have the need to be understood, probably due childhood issues! 😕
Can you give some examples of frases we can use, that are not defensive?
That is a great topic for a RUclips video! Duly noted. Thank you!
69LOLIN Great comment !
This is a hard one for me. I’m always feeling the need to clarify. I feel quite misunderstood at times and am working on creating boundaries. I’m often told I’m too sensitive.
I'm a brand new viewer, subscribed today. I have been in therapy for years and it's been tremendously helpful. I LOVE your videos! Thank you for what you do!!!
Joe! So great to have you here and for your super kind words. Good to connect with you.
I've been watching a few of your videos here and there, going through counseling myself for things. Honestly it's just really hard to realize what needs to be focused on to begin dealing with things.
But I've found a combination of your videos and my appointments help to let me explore issues like the one you talked about above better.
So thank you for sharing these with us all.
Really glad you're finding them helpful. And honestly, it doesn't matter where you start or what you focus on. Just one foot in front of the other everyday and that's exactly what you're doing. GOOD on you.
The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.
Show them with your actions who you are. Stay Focused!
This was great, it taught me that because I know who I am and my goals. I dont need their approval and them to understand my goals and purpose. Thank you 👏👏👏
Thank you so much. We do not need other people to aaprove of our decisions and validate our individuality.
"I need to die on that mountain!!" OMG you are so funny !!!! haha thank you for another great video :)
Glad you liked it Catherine ;-)
This video has helped me so much and now I know why I get super defensive even though I’m just a teenager. Throughout my life I have been criticized about the way I dress or the way that I look from someone, a specific someone, and that is what has led me to become extremely defensive. They don’t heavily criticize me anymore which is good, but something that has really opened my eye is that even when they made little comments about my hair for example, I would get extremely defensive even though they weren’t criticizing me. That’s when I knew, I wasn’t OK and I knew immediately that I needed to change my defensiveness.
It’s okay I hope your doing good, and everyone gets that way time to time, the fact that your acknowledging this is better because your going to become more self aware and suffer less because you know how to just listen and not assume that worst, or that someone’s put to get you for the way you dress or something, a lot of people aren’t self aware when it comes to this so have compassion and don’t judge others for not knowing better or being more self aware, but if it’s someone your dating and you tell them something that you might not agree with or like let them know not to get defense like try to teach or show them how not to be, and just be honest and supportive and let them know you not trying to attract them or that your out to get them you just want them to become better for the both of you
Some people like myself just enjoy discourse
I like engaging peoples thoughts and perspectives and understanding the way they view the world
When disagreement occurs jokes come out and I typically make fun of their thought process to try to show them how ridiculous it is
Most people dont respond too well
"Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy"
Not mutually exclusive
You can defend yourself, be right and be happy....
It is possible to be both right and happy depending on the situation - I agree Jim.
Hahaha! Last summer I bought a bloomin' onion at the state Fair, and needed to get it wrapped to go. They weren't totally prepared to do that easily, and so here I am apologizing and explaining why I made the request. The young gentleman looks at me and kindly says "ma'am, it's OK. No need to explain." I almost cried right there! I told him he was the first man who ever told me that. They were very nice people, and very accommodating. Can't tell you how great that simple comment made me feel!
I love this Janice! And you never have to explain why you want your blooming onion wrapped ;-)
@@juliakristinamah thank you! I didn't realize until just a few months ago how much I was feeling the need to defend and explain myself...to a certain individual especially, that it was so refreshing and eye-opening to be assured that it wasn't necessary for me to have to do that!
Umm, English old lady here, please tell me, what is a blooming onion?
@Traci K here's a link
Blooming onion g.co/kgs/Hr7LGh
Counselling and cookery brilliant I had to look it up.
Being defensive- for lack of a better way to put it, is kind of a no brainer when at the workplace. Think about it: if say, a supervisor treats you openly differently than the other people and you're working your butt off to gain enough momentum to maybe be in the 'in crowd' at work... I tried the stay quiet approach for a long time. It hasn't done anything to help me in this situation. Sometimes you have to have a voice. Sometimes we have to use our voice. Because quite honestly (sometimes) if we keep quiet we run the risk of being negatively impacted, at work, by the people or person with the erroneous opinion of us. This is a very ambiguous thing, very nuanced.
Yea this definitely resonates with me. I hate when people have a view of me that I feel like doesn’t depict who I really am.
Ever since my spiritual awakening the more my consciousness arises when I move among people I pay more attention to what they say and their words on the contrary I feel more defensive towards them because my feelings are important and I dont want them to hurt them. I feel I have to protect my sensitive core 🥺🥺🥺
Agree. I went through this when I was in a relationship with a BPD. I was being smeared and it mattered to me. I finally let go, because it doesn't matter.
Thank you Julia.
Absolutely Karlene - thanks for being here.
Thank you so much for making this video. I had a chance to practice what I had learned from you. A few weeks after originally watching this, my boss pulled me into a meeting and pretty much lashed out at me and someone else over a misunderstanding. I managed to remain calm and didn't explain myself 😀. That made her even more furious LOL.
Really good video. I can get very triggered because of sensitivity about myself and a lack of constant identity.
I can be very strong and independent generally, but if I feel someone is making me feel bad for being myself, for having emotions and passion, for not being a 'typical, conventional' person - that can really upset me and make me feel defensive
I can understand that Karen. Are you good with not being a 'typical, conventional' person? If you are, then does it matter if not everyone else is?
I’ve heard the phrase, “do you want to be right or do you want to be kind”. I want to be right 🤣 and I want to be agreed with! I still feel like I need others’ approval and understanding. Defensiveness for me all the time, especially at work maybe.
I want to be right and kind
I hear you April! And I think the important question to ask ourselves is why we need others to think we're right?
My Therapist suggested that I watch this video and I did along with her. Two things really stuck out for me personally when listening to this, 1) My need or want to be right 2) Ego and wanting to be understood. WOW! These two right here were so on point. I didn't think that I was a egotistical person & never thought of it this way but it does make sense. Feeling like I have to defend my choices, or be judged , the way that I view things & more. I am working on me so that I can be the best me that I can. Having 'thin' skin is one of the areas I need to work on the other is listening. Thanks so much for this.
What I don’t like is a close family member judging my character and having false assumptions about my character which isn’t true. It just hurts your heart ❤️ especially if you have been kind and loving majority of the time in their lives. Or they bring up your past mistakes and throw it in your face, when they themselves have a lot to work on and mistakes they have also done. But, I’m learning not to waste energy clarifying my character to them. I think what you said is right. Allow them to think what they want of you and continue growing in your own journey. ❤
Thank you so much for this video. I live in a rural area and can't find the right psychologist for me. I am about to take a trip to see my family and I seem to always be on the defense. Thanks again!!!
Anita - I'm so glad we found each other! All the best on your trip, and I'm glad you'll be able to make good use of some of the mindset shifts from this talk. Sending hugs!
People that are hurt tend to project their psychological dramas on others. We often recreate situations from the past in order to learn to overcome or master them.
What you have described is someone who is not fully committed to their beliefs or opinions and as such can be reminded of that uncertainty. That is the basis of defensive attitudes. Maturity teaches us to hold truths based upon our experiences, and while my truths may be fully correct, partially correct or not at all, it’s true for me and I don’t need to make my reality your reality. Your experiences have formulated your beliefs which may be different from mine and that’s ok. No need to “lose it” when someone disagrees, simply remind yourself of who you are.
Hi Christina, because of you and anyone like you on RUclips my life gets better in quality. Thank you ☺️
Life becomes so much simpler when you realize you don't have to have an opinion on everything. A mark of maturity is choosing to be on the right side of an argument instead of the winning side.
One way I tell if someone is really sorry vs gaslighting me is if they admit their intentions were good and apologize for failing in applying them instead of defending themselves by placing the blame on my "misunderstanding."
A great way to practice this is next time someone asks “where have you been” just say “busy! How’ve you been?”
I love the way you teach !! You have helped me so very much work through so many issues I have had along the years . You have Helped me refresh a few ways to change my mindset when I was wanting to just give in and give up on myself or the people I care for . You are such a beautiful soul and so kind to help others .
Wow? That question.. what do I need to prove, if I know who I am? Just what I needed to hear. I always felt the urge to have others on the same page or be understood or even liked and accepted. This has been a struggle since my youth. So the question now is; who am I? Why am I unsure of myself when I hit criticism and judgy pushy people? I guess I dont want to die lol on their mountain. Lol :) not my mountain.
SO much good insight here. And I think your question of 'who am I' is a big one for many among us. Glad you're on this journey now!
I'm just happy to be here :)
I ask these questions all the time. There's just something about being still that makes all the difference. It's ok not to have all the answers. But it IS important to have clue. If you dont onow who you are, others define that for you. And that's never fun. Been there. We live, we learn.. and hopefully we get wisdom.
Thank you so much, I heard someone comment on being defensive, I don't understood well, to me it's just clarifying, after your video, now I understood. It's always bitter feelings as they still don't understand...
I have watched this video several times now! I have found your identification of the three different areas of defensiveness really helpful! Thanks so much!
I have found the combination of the wisdom in this video and the re-visiting of a visualisation that I used in an EMDR session a few years ago to be so powerful in dealing with the issue of defensiveness recently. It's been a life line just when I needed it! Thanks again!
What if we get defensive with a partner when they criticize? I care a lot about what he thinks and if I feel misjudged it is so hard not to get defensive.
@@hughparker9384 Not even a little progress :S I just shut down, which I think isn't any better?
Most of the time, if I have a belief or a knowledge,it turns out to be right. People often try to tell me that I am wrong, that I might be wrong, or that they "disagree", and ultimately this is because they are intimidated by my tendency to be right. I don't like that people are intimidated by me, but idk what I can do. Pretend to not know things? Sounds a bit counterintuitive to me.
You don't have to pretend not to know things - but delivery is everything.
I can relate to this a lot.
Julia someone very close to me is incredibly defensive. I can’t express my point of you with this person because this person will immediately defend their point of you and work hard to prove that I am wrong and they are right. Your video helps me.
Point of VIEW.
I have struggled with this since childhood and use to get in to so much trouble and felt confused at times. I haven’t been able to stick up for my self as I would get in to trouble when I did and I think that had caused me to over justify and defend my self. Thank you so much again Julia Kristina! Been looking for a good vid on this! Your keep me going while I am waiting to see a therapist🙂 thank you 😊
Yay Julie! I'm so grateful it connected. So happy to have you here.
Yay Julie! I'm so grateful it connected. So happy to have you here.
I noticed that I have a problem with all 3 from time to time but wanting to be understood stands out the most. It was something I came to realize from another one of Julia's videos but have been neglecting to work on.
Great video Julia! Great message! some hills aint worth the fight!
Yasss! Exactly.
So much good stuff in this video! Truth!
Of all the things that feel screwed up in my life, this is not one of my problems. I still enjoyed the video and appreciate what you do.
It's really hard to validate myself. I am centering in in that more and more with the help of your videos and discussions with my counselor of almost two years now. I've been watching you for about five months with increasing frequency.
Julia, I can connect with the things you say because you create a path between emotion and logic which I have had trouble bridging in my life. This has made interpersonal relationships challenging, as well as a host of other things. To consider that I am the one who assigns definitions to what matters and what does not us a huge mind shift. I see easily where this expands on that concept to how it affects our reaction to the perceived thoughts and feelings of others.
This goes straight to the heart of a conversation I had with my counselor- being that whatever 'they' think about me, 'they' meaning the generic perceived public, 'they' are wrong because 'they' are missing all the important details of my circumstances. So, when I consider that, and assign meaning to their opinion's worth accordingly, my self-consciousness can ease up somewhat. I'm not at a point yet where I feel confident, but anything that diminishes my anxiety is a step in the right direction!
Thanks for your wonderful videos!
Kristy
Little steps everyday! GOOD for YOU for investing in yourself - and awesome that you are seeing changes happen! You've got this.
I needed to hear this and accept that I get defensive more than I would like to. When people ask of my dreams and aspirations, if they don’t understand I feel I need to justify it to them. Same thing with my feelings, even if a person does not see my side but still may say “okay do you. I respect that” I still feel the need to go on and justify why that was my response.
The issue is in "feeling the need to go on and justify why that was my response." Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. It's in learning how to be okay with the small imperfections in understanding. Perfect understanding is rare and kinda unnecessary in most situations. Maybe make sure you don't lead a conversation to require perfect understanding. Or allow general understanding to be sufficient in social relationship.
Unfair judgement and unwanted critiquing is something that makes me withdraw pretty fast. I don't necessarily get defensive, but tend to get confused and overwhelmed by these kinds of personalities. I like to support my friends' ideas and decisions, (unless they're dangerous of course), and have never understood some people's need to be critical of any idea that doesn't belong to them.
Hmm...wait a sec... you just covered that ...."the need to be right" lol I hope these 'judges' I know see your video! (she says as she shares this video to Facebook)
Thank you for sharing it! That means the world to me. And yeah, I agree - unwanted criticism doesn't feel good at all. I'm trying to be mindful of not doing it for that exact reason ;-)
@@juliakristinamah how do you deal with unwanted criticism?
Good job. You are right on in what you said & some things that I have lived by for a long time. Recently, a couple of relatives ganged up on me and UNJUSTLY accused me of being racist. It has really ticked me off, especially since racism is something that I have stood up AGAINST for over 50 years. It has actually hurt my relationship with them. I am having a difficult time getting past it (as in, it has caused me to have feeling of dislike for 2 people that I have liked very much). I now see them as sanctimoniously condescending.
thank you so much for this wonderful video. As someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family, establishing boundaries and learning to respond rather than react has been a significant challenge for me. I am actively working on improving my communication skills. However, I find it difficult to articulate my thoughts when someone, like my sister, brings up past issues that have already been resolved or are unrelated to the current conflict. I understand that emotions might be high, but it's disheartening when, despite my efforts to improve and address concerns, I am consistently portrayed as the problem. This is especially hurtful when it comes from older relatives whom I had thought I could trust.
Love your channel Julia..thank you so much for all your loving wisdom... I find myself defensive around rude snd disrespectful people..my family included . .if I cannot have a compassionate conversation without being slammed with their nonsense. .I'm gone...I have no time for their fear tactics anymore..self love and rrspect for myself has made me so much happier and peaceful...love me or leave me alone...is my motto..☺💖
Wow! I'm 60 years old and I've never heard this before. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For me, it's actually CPTSD triggers set off. I get defensive when I'm being berated, everything I say is questioned &/or gaslight. I literally have to defend my psyche from abuse & MANY PEOPLE get defensive because they're having to defend their SAFETY not just their Ego. This was very reductive & dismissive of trauma + the responses that come with it.
Yes. And additionally if you are dependent on others for necessities, their opinions of you actually can determine whether you can survive. What if you're disabled and your family or government thinks you can work but you can't? Or what if youre an an employee and your boss thinks you're responsible for someone else's mistake and threatens to fire you? What if you're a quéer teen and your parents want to kick you out on the street but you want a roof over your head? Sometimes it is necessary to convince someone of who you are so you can get or maintain access to resources, connections, or other necessities to survive.
So many therapists make the mistake of assuming everyone is in a safe environment with access to and control of the things they need to live, but this is not true for the majority of people on earth.
I think a more helpful approach would be to help you navigate these different situations instead of assuming you always have autonomy and that one approach will always work. To show you how to determine when it is safe to advocate for yourself or when it is safer to fawn and placate. Or to tell when you are actually threatened versus when you are triggered by a situation that isn't actually dangerous. And how to regulate in that instance. Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD is not perfect, but it is applicable to this topic I think.
Thank you for the reminder! I know this but often forget. I'm going to commit to paying more attention to the signs and be more mindful of getting stuck here....and let it go. Ciao!
Yasss!
I needed this! Thank you so much. I do not need their approval at all NOR do I need to prove ANYTHING!!
Only found you today. Thank you so much 🕊🕊🕊🕊🕊💜
This thinking is very helpful to me. Thank you Julia!
This is me! ! Somebody says something to me, or doesn't tell me something that's about me, and I get so defensive! I start going off, and when my Dad was alive I really did this with him and I acted like I was being mistreated, acting like a total idiot, and I still do it today! I still do it to this day, every day! Thank you for this video! Thank you!I'm going to study this video, because I need to change this behavior! I need to stop this behavior! I WANT TO STOP!
I've just subscribed to your channel.
Thanks you for the video!
hey Andre! Great to have you here - thanks for joining my little corner on the interweb ;-)
Back again thank you.
Pete Walker got an alternative take on defensiveness, his take is there are different types of defenses we push because of abondent depression. And once you remove this ultimate sadness within you, then you no longer need to defend because there is no pain to be reminded about via people. This isnt really anything he has said but its the message I could see hidden in his book. And something iv seen myself experience through the experience of healing cptsd. Its like i have the ultra instinct now.
The expression on your face for this video is the perfect response to someone who is on the attack. Love it!
Thank you for helping me understand
Really glad it connected.
Its not just me, connecting to you.
Adoreya
I struggle with these. I’m more passionate about things that are based on my values of right and wrong. I find it confusing that our world seems to be in a state of moral relativism and people justify the awful things they do. I don’t want to be around people who think that anything goes. I’m very defensive about right and wrong and the truth. Good video.
Thanks mam.....u just nailed it
Ha! So great of you to say - great to connect with you!
What if you aren't aware of when your being defensive? I am just waking up to being conscious about alot of things.
Great video. Thank you
Thank you”
I feel like I need people to understand me and I don't feel like they do no matter how much I try to explain myself. I also feel like I have to get my point across on things and no one takes me serious, like I don't know what I am talking about. Things always seem to end up as a debate if I voice my opinion about something, so I usually just don't talk. And your right it doesn't matter what they think but I have a hard time in the moment and I get frustrated and then defensive if someone doesn't understand me.
I have often been told I am defensive mainly at work where there needs to be trouble shooting ..from watching your video I feel not really the need to be right but I feel I have to explain myself and defend the words others may say about me...this is really something I need to work on because I felt disrespected at times and other people are taking it as it was just correction this is a hard pill to digest...
This is a message for nowadays where people are so defensive and intolerant of other's opinion. There is also a controlling trait in being highly defensive.
I love this. Can you do a follow-up or maybe a quick reply on how to apply this to micromanagement in the workplace? Applying these principles in situations that have a certain level of interdependence is challenging for me when I feel like I'm not being heard or considered. How can a person have autonomy when they're near the bottom of the hierarchy? Thank you!