It has taken me decades to deal with people who manipulate when I tell them no politely. I was raised by a very loving mother who taught us to think about others before ourselves. A role model of kindness, but I didn't feel secure in setting boundaries, so I was frequently exploited. If these pushy people don't take "no" for an answer, they are disrespecting me. I have told them that "No" is a complete sentence, or "What part of the word "No" don't you understand? If they keep pushing, I walk away. Let them have a fit. They clearly don't care about me.
Low self-esteem feels like, among many, siren blaring out in the ears, brain, mind. It feels like a violent visual of a downward spiral, a wailing cry all four directions, an act of letting the hand go off the cliff, sudden nervousness, silent furiousness.
My thoughts and notes on today’s RUclips video (01/03/25)
5 BIG Blind Spots of people with low self-esteem,
KEY TAKE-AWAY: What a great video! I love these topics. As I revisit each point Julia made, I can truly see the areas where I've greatly improved. I can also recognize which areas I may need to work on. The point about social events can be a bit of a mental challenge for me. Due to my financial status, and not living alone and being more independent, I still fear judgment, as I sometimes struggle with judging myself. I know I can give myself the compassion I need and remind myself that this can feel hard. I can set goals, and regardless of the outcome, I can still be kind and gentle with myself. I have value and know that I am always worthy. I have something to offer when socializing with others. Overall, looking back at each point and seeing how much I have grown in these areas is a huge improvement for my self-esteem and well-being.
MY NOTES: INTRO:
If you have low self-esteem, you may think you don't matter or isn't as important. Most likely past experiences have caused you to think/feel this way. When we have better relationships, we often feel better about ourselves, and we feel better about ourselves, we often have better relationships.
5 BIG Blind Spots:
1. You don't think your action or words matter or have an impact. You don't think well of yourself and assume others don't either 2. If you have someone in your life that is going through something hard, you don't think that anything you say to try and encourage them matters. You don't say anything. 3. When going to social events, and if you don't feel good about yourself and judging yourself, and don't highly of you, you think others think the same way about you. Then it can turn into a self-fulfilling prophesy that people don't like, when you really haven't giving them a chance to connect with you. 4. People with low self-esteem, try to get it from the outside, when we go about fishing for compliments and external validations. (Sometimes like passive aggressive and self-rejecting ways)
5. You want people to help meet your needs, but you don't share with others what that is.
What to do about this:
1. If someone cares enough to hear what you say if they have spent their time, energy and effort, they want you in their life. They care about you. You matter.
2. Even saying the not "perfect" thing is often better than saying nothing. Showing the effort, you care, matters. Ask them what they need. "How can I support you?" or " How can I be there for you though this?"
3. When it comes to social events, be mindful of the energy you bring into the room. Be open and curious and somewhat positive and warm. People will respond well with that. Show interests in them. Assume that they like you and want to connect with you. You have valuable and interesting things to offer in the conversations. Ask questions about others and get curious.
4. When it comes to putting yourself down in front of people, "bite your tongue" Don't indulge in self-criticism and put downs. Learn to seek inner validation too.
5. When it comes to our needs, if you loved, valued and cared about others, you would tell them what you needed. You don't wait for the other person to fail you or disappoint you. You set them up for success by letting them know what is important to you and giving them a chance to be sensitive to that need. At the same time, it isn't completely other people's jobs to always meet our needs, that is co-dependency but, in relationships, each person has needs and preferences. Communicate those needs.
this video comes at the perfect time. sometimes people say, "hey you matter to me" or "people who know you are so lucky to have you" or thank me that i'm always there for them. or at work when people are astounded how quick i can solve issues and etc. i always think, oh they just say to be nice but not really mean it. i have ADD so with that dopamine in-balance and my porn addiction. i feel like i fried my brain on the dopamine end and my low self-esteem further pushes that feeling. i also always feel like i need to do more, help others more even if i already go beyond what people do
It takes time to feel at home in oneself. Especially if your environment was clearly taking advantage of you, cause with a big heart and no healthy bounderies, you don't feel at ease and you put others first. Let's stop this pointless sacrifice, to find more sensations of balance and find some relaxation. No more on my shoulders 😅❤.
@@juliakristinamah When you were speaking about self-deprecation. I still automatically do it but am much more aware of these times. It got better with years and working on it. Thanks again!
@@juliakristinamahGoing into social situations with an open mind, being curious and interested in others. Believe that I have interesting things to talk about as much as others do. 😊
This is something I've worked on a lot in the last 6 years. After finding out at 40 that I'm actually dyslexic and on the spectrum, I've had to totally rebuild my sense of self after living for 40 years feeling dumb and broken. My problem now is that I can't fit the idea that anyone would love me in my head. Now I know everyone would say that's self hate (something I can't stand, life is a lot more messy then a self hate/love binary). But I really do like who I am, I have lots of really good quality friends and I'm held in high esteem by everyone I work with and also in the wider community. It's just that it's never happened so I don't have any lived experience to go off, being alone for half a life time does odd thing, along with an emotional neglectful childhood that turned into emotional incest for a lot of years really hasn't helped. Side note, is this meant to be a monotone video with no colour? 🤔
I can tell when someone doesn't value me. They criticize my appearance, leave me waiting in a car for 30 minutes without advising me there will be a wait. Complete disrespect. I have cut her out of my life because she loved to see me suffer. She pleads me on FB to go for coffee. No way. I was there to do her favors period. Goodbye user. Find your own rides and money. Feels so good to erect strong boundaries and associating with those who appreciate me as a person.❤
I sometimes feel like I'm not a real person. I can't explain it. Having my mother move in temporarily while her new house closes has been hard. I don't feel like a real person. Ended up in hospital and back on benzos after 9 years of sobriety.
I've noticed lately that there are a couple of people (both alcoholics and like to be the center of attention) that will ask me to do something with them, only to later realize they didn't want to do it alone and were seeking out people who were going to be in that vicinity. My ex best friend reached out to me by email, trying to rekindle. I immediately knew she just wanted to pump up the numbers because she was coming up on a milestone birthday. I let her know I wasn't available. I surely don't always feel like people want to be with me because I'm important in their lives, like the last guy I was with who was a malignant narcissist. I may as well have been a blow up doll.
I have a strong feeling that people dont really want to be with me. It comes from because my husband’s love language doesn’t include quality time and that was a big part why I divorced him in Feb 2023. Plus my lovely 3 children have already grown up, now they have their own lives, what I totally understand, but it gives also the feeling left alone. I push myself through this, I collect all the occasions where I can invite my friends and family members spent time with me. Usually I enjoy my new life alone as well, but I fear this feeling - being neglected and not spending time with me - will have a huge impact on my next relationship🤔what tools could I use? 🤓please share your thoughts 😇 Thanks for all your support and advice Julia❤, you are one of my best inspiration 🎉🥳
@@juliakristinamah Is it realistic? I actually called him to thank him for it. He said: "'I hope that you are actually putting it into practice. I did not write this book for nothing." It is easy to read his book and use the sentence writing- exercises in it, but you have to go out there and use those in real life. I was scared, but I did it. Overcome laziness, have courage, and love your own life. All the best for you Juiia 🙂.
This is my husband, I'm the secure partner. I've tried to explain to him this is him and he gets extremely defensive. How can I get him to see he's insecure?
I'd love to hear from you - What's one thing that connected with you from this talk?
seems that this is also related to Anxiety disorders as well
When you said. “You really don’t feel important” I cried. My tiny dog has more self importance than I do! 😢
You matter for the Universe, you are unique. ❤
You are a worthy and valued person. =)
Jill - you are important - but you need to believe that. What do you think it would take for you to know that you do truly matter?
... I think that our companion animals teach us to feel good enough and important ❤😊
It has taken me decades to deal with people who manipulate when I tell them no politely. I was raised by a very loving mother who taught us to think about others before ourselves. A role model of kindness, but I didn't feel secure in setting boundaries, so I was frequently exploited. If these pushy people don't take "no" for an answer, they are disrespecting me. I have told them that "No" is a complete sentence, or "What part of the word "No" don't you understand? If they keep pushing, I walk away. Let them have a fit. They clearly don't care about me.
Low self esteem really affected me for too long. You describe it perfectly.
What was one of your takeaways from this talk on where you can start working on things?
Low self-esteem feels like, among many, siren blaring out in the ears, brain, mind. It feels like a violent visual of a downward spiral, a wailing cry all four directions, an act of letting the hand go off the cliff, sudden nervousness, silent furiousness.
My thoughts and notes on today’s RUclips video (01/03/25)
5 BIG Blind Spots of people with low self-esteem,
KEY TAKE-AWAY: What a great video! I love these topics. As I revisit each point Julia made, I can truly see the areas where I've greatly improved. I can also recognize which areas I may need to work on.
The point about social events can be a bit of a mental challenge for me. Due to my financial status, and not living alone and being more independent, I still fear judgment, as I sometimes struggle with judging myself.
I know I can give myself the compassion I need and remind myself that this can feel hard. I can set goals, and regardless of the outcome, I can still be kind and gentle with myself. I have value and know that I am always worthy. I have something to offer when socializing with others.
Overall, looking back at each point and seeing how much I have grown in these areas is a huge improvement for my self-esteem and well-being.
MY NOTES:
INTRO:
If you have low self-esteem, you may think you don't matter or isn't as important.
Most likely past experiences have caused you to think/feel this way.
When we have better relationships, we often feel better about ourselves, and we feel better about ourselves, we often have better relationships.
5 BIG Blind Spots:
1. You don't think your action or words matter or have an impact. You don't think well of yourself and assume others don't either
2. If you have someone in your life that is going through something hard, you don't think that anything you say to try and encourage them matters. You don't say anything.
3. When going to social events, and if you don't feel good about yourself and judging yourself, and don't highly of you, you think others think the same way about you. Then it can turn into a self-fulfilling prophesy that people don't like, when you really haven't giving them a chance to connect with you.
4. People with low self-esteem, try to get it from the outside, when we go about fishing for compliments and external validations. (Sometimes like passive aggressive and self-rejecting ways)
5. You want people to help meet your needs, but you don't share with others what that is.
What to do about this:
1. If someone cares enough to hear what you say if they have spent their time, energy and effort, they want you in their life. They care about you. You matter.
2. Even saying the not "perfect" thing is often better than saying nothing. Showing the effort, you care, matters. Ask them what they need. "How can I support you?" or " How can I be there for you though this?"
3. When it comes to social events, be mindful of the energy you bring into the room. Be open and curious and somewhat positive and warm. People will respond well with that. Show interests in them. Assume that they like you and want to connect with you. You have valuable and interesting things to offer in the conversations. Ask questions about others and get curious.
4. When it comes to putting yourself down in front of people, "bite your tongue" Don't indulge in self-criticism and put downs. Learn to seek inner validation too.
5. When it comes to our needs, if you loved, valued and cared about others, you would tell them what you needed. You don't wait for the other person to fail you or disappoint you. You set them up for success by letting them know what is important to you and giving them a chance to be sensitive to that need. At the same time, it isn't completely other people's jobs to always meet our needs, that is co-dependency but, in relationships, each person has needs and preferences. Communicate those needs.
this video comes at the perfect time. sometimes people say, "hey you matter to me" or "people who know you are so lucky to have you" or thank me that i'm always there for them. or at work when people are astounded how quick i can solve issues and etc. i always think, oh they just say to be nice but not really mean it. i have ADD so with that dopamine in-balance and my porn addiction. i feel like i fried my brain on the dopamine end and my low self-esteem further pushes that feeling. i also always feel like i need to do more, help others more even if i already go beyond what people do
It takes time to feel at home in oneself. Especially if your environment was clearly taking advantage of you, cause with a big heart and no healthy bounderies, you don't feel at ease and you put others first. Let's stop this pointless sacrifice, to find more sensations of balance and find some relaxation. No more on my shoulders 😅❤.
Thanks for this. It was very informative and timely for me…..I’ve always struggled with exactly these thoughts so I needed this today. ❤
Thank you and happy new year Julia!😃
You're welcome - thanks for all your support!
Thanks. Julia Cristina ❤happy New Year’s
And to you Maria!
So true. Thank you Julia for the great video!
You're welcome. What did you connect with in this one Marek?
@@juliakristinamah When you were speaking about self-deprecation. I still automatically do it but am much more aware of these times. It got better with years and working on it. Thanks again!
Another great video that hit home to me. Thanks Julia🇦🇺
Glad you found it helpful Sally. What's one thing in it that connected with you?
@@juliakristinamahGoing into social situations with an open mind, being curious and interested in others. Believe that I have interesting things to talk about as much as others do. 😊
Happy new year Julia!! 🥰🥳🥰❤️❤️🎉
Happy New Year to you too!
This is something I've worked on a lot in the last 6 years. After finding out at 40 that I'm actually dyslexic and on the spectrum, I've had to totally rebuild my sense of self after living for 40 years feeling dumb and broken. My problem now is that I can't fit the idea that anyone would love me in my head.
Now I know everyone would say that's self hate (something I can't stand, life is a lot more messy then a self hate/love binary). But I really do like who I am, I have lots of really good quality friends and I'm held in high esteem by everyone I work with and also in the wider community. It's just that it's never happened so I don't have any lived experience to go off, being alone for half a life time does odd thing, along with an emotional neglectful childhood that turned into emotional incest for a lot of years really hasn't helped.
Side note, is this meant to be a monotone video with no colour? 🤔
Could you make a video on how to handle rejection? This is the fear that puts me off of talking to people.
Can you expand on this? What kind of rejection and from whom?
I can tell when someone doesn't value me. They criticize my appearance, leave me waiting in a car for 30 minutes without advising me there will be a wait. Complete disrespect. I have cut her out of my life because she loved to see me suffer. She pleads me on FB to go for coffee. No way. I was there to do her favors period. Goodbye user. Find your own rides and money. Feels so good to erect strong boundaries and associating with those who appreciate me as a person.❤
I sometimes feel like I'm not a real person. I can't explain it. Having my mother move in temporarily while her new house closes has been hard. I don't feel like a real person. Ended up in hospital and back on benzos after 9 years of sobriety.
I've noticed lately that there are a couple of people (both alcoholics and like to be the center of attention) that will ask me to do something with them, only to later realize they didn't want to do it alone and were seeking out people who were going to be in that vicinity. My ex best friend reached out to me by email, trying to rekindle. I immediately knew she just wanted to pump up the numbers because she was coming up on a milestone birthday. I let her know I wasn't available. I surely don't always feel like people want to be with me because I'm important in their lives, like the last guy I was with who was a malignant narcissist. I may as well have been a blow up doll.
Thanks!
You're welcome. Thanks for being here.
All of the above, plus imposter syndrome of course
I have a strong feeling that people dont really want to be with me. It comes from because my husband’s love language doesn’t include quality time and that was a big part why I divorced him in Feb 2023. Plus my lovely 3 children have already grown up, now they have their own lives, what I totally understand, but it gives also the feeling left alone. I push myself through this, I collect all the occasions where I can invite my friends and family members spent time with me. Usually I enjoy my new life alone as well, but I fear this feeling - being neglected and not spending time with me - will have a huge impact on my next relationship🤔what tools could I use? 🤓please share your thoughts 😇 Thanks for all your support and advice Julia❤, you are one of my best inspiration 🎉🥳
What do you think of Nathanial Branden's books on the subject?
It's a good one.
@@juliakristinamah Is it realistic?
I actually called him to thank him for it. He said:
"'I hope that you are actually putting it into practice.
I did not write this book for nothing."
It is easy to read his book and use the sentence writing- exercises in it, but you have to go out there and use those in real life.
I was scared, but I did it.
Overcome laziness, have courage, and love your own life.
All the best for you Juiia 🙂.
My self esteem is terrible. Gotta do something to fix it and soon
What's one thing you could start with?
@ giving myself some more grace when making mistakes. I give it to other people all the time
I'm a major ATTENTION SEEKER because I never have or currently get the basic...that doesn't make me EVIL like many would say.
This is my husband, I'm the secure partner. I've tried to explain to him this is him and he gets extremely defensive. How can I get him to see he's insecure?
I push people away cause I don’t like the smell.
3:09
You are so intence. Slow down
I actually despise dealing with low self esteem people...don't let losers infect you with loser thinking.