5 BiG Blind Spots of People with Low Self-Esteem
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- Опубликовано: 10 фев 2025
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Are you unintentionally letting low self-esteem impact your relationships? This video dives deep into how feeling "less than" or insignificant can lead to actions that unintentionally hurt or confuse others. If you grew up feeling undervalued, bullied, or overlooked, you might not realize how your behaviors-like declining invitations without follow-up, staying silent when someone needs support, or putting yourself down-affect the people around you.
I’ll unpack five ways low self-esteem can manifest in your relationships and offer practical strategies to shift these patterns. From learning to communicate your needs clearly to showing up in a more open and intentional way, this video is a guide to not only strengthening your relationships but also boosting your confidence.
If you’ve ever struggled with feeling like your actions don’t matter, or found yourself wishing others could read your mind, this video will help you create healthier, more connected dynamics with the people in your life. Start taking small, impactful steps to show up differently-for yourself and for those you care about.
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ABOUT JULIA:
Julia Kristina, MA, is a speaker, teacher, master therapist and mental wealth coach who helps smart, highly sensitive, heart centred humans get past anxiety, stress, and self-doubt so they can have better: Better relationships, a better life and feel better about themselves.
Through her membership program, The Shift Society, she helps people identify their deep rooted thoughts and beliefs that are keeping them stuck and struggling, and then teaches them how to take charge of their minds and emotions so they can thrive in all areas of their lives.
Julia’s expertise has been featured in Inc magazine, Psych Central, Mind Body Green and numerous other publications, podcasts and television outlets. She has also given talks in front of audiences of hundreds on stages across North America. Videos on her RUclips channel have been watched more than 20 million times and she has built a community of over 400,000 people across social media platforms. When she’s not helping her clients and students increase their emotional intelligence and mental strength, she’s out on some kind of adventure with her three children in Vancouver, Canada.
I'd love to hear from you - What's one thing that connected with you from this talk?
seems that this is also related to Anxiety disorders as well
To really try to not assume that other people around you are thinking "less" of you when you are not feeling great about yourself. This can be an easy trap to fall into when you have low self esteem. To assume and "mind read."
I literally didn't know I had the needs we learned about. I didn't think I had needs. That is a strange thought but here we are. Great video. I used to do this self out down thing. Didn't feel good. Resentment. It came back last year. They were more confident. I now think she actually studied these videos and may have been a member. She knew a lot of this. Definitely more secure with some areas. I'm feeling it now too. Will see how it plays out in me live in the next relationship. I feel a lot more confident now.
One thing. The fact they are spending time with you means they care about you. This is what may have refused my catastrophic thinking then. Maybe. It was mainly my nervous system helping to generate thoughts. I can see how it all worked now. My friends said the same thing about someone caring if they spend time with someone new in my life. This is good to hear.
One of the worst situation that someone can ever be in is having a low self esteem. It’s a hellish place to be in. You are your worst enemy. Nothing people say to you to encourage you and help pull you out of this state means nothing because you are stuck in that horrible place. It’s an erroneous narrative that we constantly tell ourselves that is responsible for innumerable damage to self. This can play a huge role in stagnating our lives and it can also contribute to people being pushed away from us. You are so right in saying that when we don’t feel as if we matter enough, we tend to think that other people don’t hold us in high regard either. It’s projection. We feel and think a particular way about ourselves so we think that it’s exactly how others think and feel about us. What a horrible, destructive cycle. Let’s be honest here. If we don’t feel good about ourselves, how can others feel good about us?
I had never thought about how not acknowledging someone’s suffering when you’re not very close to that person could hurt them. I have a mixed track record of that. I have often thought that they wouldn’t want to hear from me or that they would be bothered by some random person they barely know reaching out. But your video helped me realize that often times I fail to take proactive action to bring good into the world because I ask myself, “who am I to step up in this situation?” I think I should instead be asking, “who am I not to?” I have a lot of light and goodness to bring into this world and people want and need more light. We all do. Thanks for this video!
When you said. “You really don’t feel important” I cried. My tiny dog has more self importance than I do! 😢
You matter for the Universe, you are unique. ❤
You are a worthy and valued person. =)
Jill - you are important - but you need to believe that. What do you think it would take for you to know that you do truly matter?
... I think that our companion animals teach us to feel good enough and important ❤😊
Little dogs are bad asses though 😅
It has taken me decades to deal with people who manipulate when I tell them no politely. I was raised by a very loving mother who taught us to think about others before ourselves. A role model of kindness, but I didn't feel secure in setting boundaries, so I was frequently exploited. If these pushy people don't take "no" for an answer, they are disrespecting me. I have told them that "No" is a complete sentence, or "What part of the word "No" don't you understand? If they keep pushing, I walk away. Let them have a fit. They clearly don't care about me.
@kb1625 that's the honest truth! I used to be a major people pleaser....but that always backfres, as I've discovered and I have become friendess
Mote importantly they don't care about themselves. They can't get through the day without being toxic and then act like your the problem. They have pathetic egos
"if you don't know what to say, ask" great! I am going to do that. When I feel like I should say something but afraid to say the wrong thing. I will just ask them what they want to hear. This is it. Sounds simple and practical.
I can tell when someone doesn't value me. They criticize my appearance, leave me waiting in a car for 30 minutes without advising me there will be a wait. Complete disrespect. I have cut her out of my life because she loved to see me suffer. She pleads me on FB to go for coffee. No way. I was there to do her favors period. Goodbye user. Find your own rides and money. Feels so good to erect strong boundaries and associating with those who appreciate me as a person.❤
I have been working on self-esteem by communicating what I want, not expecting people to always meet my needs, thinking helpful thoughts about me and reminding myself what I want, need and prefer matters. There are some aspects of my life where I struggle to communicate what I want out of fear of judgment but doing this work has allowed me to better advocate for myself.
Low self-esteem feels like, among many, siren blaring out in the ears, brain, mind. It feels like a violent visual of a downward spiral, a wailing cry all four directions, an act of letting the hand go off the cliff, sudden nervousness, silent furiousness.
Low self esteem really affected me for too long. You describe it perfectly.
What was one of your takeaways from this talk on where you can start working on things?
I have a friend who is constantly putting herself down. It's been going on for awhile now and I'm getting tired of constantly having to be her cheerleader. It is sooooo draining. Sometimes I feel like an unpaid therapist. She does not really reciprocate either. Her low self-esteem is not warranted. She has not bothered to seek a therapist. I've had to really limit the time we spend together.
Yep those with low self esteem don’t reciprocate at all. I wonder why?
I have just found you, beginning of 2025 ..Im 54 and about to start therapy for childhood trauma. This has led me to being a people pleaser for so long, but have been working on that. Im looking forward to healing and increasing my self esteem. ❤
Thank you so much for your channel.
Exactly how bullying can lead to scuiside if you cant liberate yourself out of the quicksand
this video comes at the perfect time. sometimes people say, "hey you matter to me" or "people who know you are so lucky to have you" or thank me that i'm always there for them. or at work when people are astounded how quick i can solve issues and etc. i always think, oh they just say to be nice but not really mean it. i have ADD so with that dopamine in-balance and my porn addiction. i feel like i fried my brain on the dopamine end and my low self-esteem further pushes that feeling. i also always feel like i need to do more, help others more even if i already go beyond what people do
My thoughts and notes on today’s RUclips video (01/03/25)
5 BIG Blind Spots of people with low self-esteem,
KEY TAKE-AWAY: What a great video! I love these topics. As I revisit each point Julia made, I can truly see the areas where I've greatly improved. I can also recognize which areas I may need to work on.
The point about social events can be a bit of a mental challenge for me. Due to my financial status, and not living alone and being more independent, I still fear judgment, as I sometimes struggle with judging myself.
I know I can give myself the compassion I need and remind myself that this can feel hard. I can set goals, and regardless of the outcome, I can still be kind and gentle with myself. I have value and know that I am always worthy. I have something to offer when socializing with others.
Overall, looking back at each point and seeing how much I have grown in these areas is a huge improvement for my self-esteem and well-being.
MY NOTES:
INTRO:
If you have low self-esteem, you may think you don't matter or isn't as important.
Most likely past experiences have caused you to think/feel this way.
When we have better relationships, we often feel better about ourselves, and we feel better about ourselves, we often have better relationships.
5 BIG Blind Spots:
1. You don't think your action or words matter or have an impact. You don't think well of yourself and assume others don't either
2. If you have someone in your life that is going through something hard, you don't think that anything you say to try and encourage them matters. You don't say anything.
3. When going to social events, and if you don't feel good about yourself and judging yourself, and don't highly of you, you think others think the same way about you. Then it can turn into a self-fulfilling prophesy that people don't like, when you really haven't giving them a chance to connect with you.
4. People with low self-esteem, try to get it from the outside, when we go about fishing for compliments and external validations. (Sometimes like passive aggressive and self-rejecting ways)
5. You want people to help meet your needs, but you don't share with others what that is.
What to do about this:
1. If someone cares enough to hear what you say if they have spent their time, energy and effort, they want you in their life. They care about you. You matter.
2. Even saying the not "perfect" thing is often better than saying nothing. Showing the effort, you care, matters. Ask them what they need. "How can I support you?" or " How can I be there for you though this?"
3. When it comes to social events, be mindful of the energy you bring into the room. Be open and curious and somewhat positive and warm. People will respond well with that. Show interests in them. Assume that they like you and want to connect with you. You have valuable and interesting things to offer in the conversations. Ask questions about others and get curious.
4. When it comes to putting yourself down in front of people, "bite your tongue" Don't indulge in self-criticism and put downs. Learn to seek inner validation too.
5. When it comes to our needs, if you loved, valued and cared about others, you would tell them what you needed. You don't wait for the other person to fail you or disappoint you. You set them up for success by letting them know what is important to you and giving them a chance to be sensitive to that need. At the same time, it isn't completely other people's jobs to always meet our needs, that is co-dependency but, in relationships, each person has needs and preferences. Communicate those needs.
Very good video. Thank you. I don’t feel good about myself lately. At times like that it is important to have a support from a friend or a relative. A simple words that they care about you would make a difference. Some customers come to my shop and complain about their bodies. I always find a good thing about them and tell them about it. They leave my shop feeling good. I would like somebody do the same to me. When people are down it is very hard to control how we say things. We are not perfect.
I can relate with most of this especially putting myself down in front of others and not telling my needs. But cause of my low self esteem I tend to be very good at listening to other people’s problems and trying to help them but am afraid to share with them much about myself which is a common trait with people like us
My main problem with self esteem problem started with Alcohol abuse when I was in my 20's and now I am 44 years old and 10 months sober, it feels hard to lift my self esteem now that I no longer drink.
That’s an amazing thing you’ve accomplished! I hope it gets easier for you.
Thanks for the information. Definitely something I lack. Working on it👍🏻
That's an interesting video. All my social life resumed in 25 minutes. Awesome!
This was really great and helpful!
This resonates really well for me...very valuable insights i look forward to sharing with others and applying in my own life.
ThAnk you so true ThAnk you for coming with a solution too .
Being 6'-8", I have always had low self-esteem. I never feel worthy of any compliments and usually crack a joke in response to any I may receive. I view myself as anything but normal.
It takes time to feel at home in oneself. Especially if your environment was clearly taking advantage of you, cause with a big heart and no healthy bounderies, you don't feel at ease and you put others first. Let's stop this pointless sacrifice, to find more sensations of balance and find some relaxation. No more on my shoulders 😅❤.
This is something I've worked on a lot in the last 6 years. After finding out at 40 that I'm actually dyslexic and on the spectrum, I've had to totally rebuild my sense of self after living for 40 years feeling dumb and broken. My problem now is that I can't fit the idea that anyone would love me in my head.
Now I know everyone would say that's self hate (something I can't stand, life is a lot more messy then a self hate/love binary). But I really do like who I am, I have lots of really good quality friends and I'm held in high esteem by everyone I work with and also in the wider community. It's just that it's never happened so I don't have any lived experience to go off, being alone for half a life time does odd thing, along with an emotional neglectful childhood that turned into emotional incest for a lot of years really hasn't helped.
Side note, is this meant to be a monotone video with no colour? 🤔
You are a blessing ❤❤😊
Thank you and happy new year Julia!😃
You're welcome - thanks for all your support!
Thanks for this. It was very informative and timely for me…..I’ve always struggled with exactly these thoughts so I needed this today. ❤
yes, it happens...
So true. Thank you Julia for the great video!
You're welcome. What did you connect with in this one Marek?
@@juliakristinamah When you were speaking about self-deprecation. I still automatically do it but am much more aware of these times. It got better with years and working on it. Thanks again!
These are exactly the reasons I am struggling with making friends. Hmm! I did start working on communication skills. I think I am making progress. One of my friends told me that I am making progress but I just feel that she was being nice.
Thanks. Julia Cristina ❤happy New Year’s
And to you Maria!
Another great video that hit home to me. Thanks Julia🇦🇺
Glad you found it helpful Sally. What's one thing in it that connected with you?
@@juliakristinamahGoing into social situations with an open mind, being curious and interested in others. Believe that I have interesting things to talk about as much as others do. 😊
I think I have Anhedonia and this has caused me to have low self esteem. I can’t feel love, pleasure or see reward in anything. I feel nothing when I receive positive affirmations, gifts, compliments or achieve something good.
I've noticed lately that there are a couple of people (both alcoholics and like to be the center of attention) that will ask me to do something with them, only to later realize they didn't want to do it alone and were seeking out people who were going to be in that vicinity. My ex best friend reached out to me by email, trying to rekindle. I immediately knew she just wanted to pump up the numbers because she was coming up on a milestone birthday. I let her know I wasn't available. I surely don't always feel like people want to be with me because I'm important in their lives, like the last guy I was with who was a malignant narcissist. I may as well have been a blow up doll.
Alcoholics are the worst, I guess it's not entirely thier fault booze can really mess with your mind if not regulated.
Happy new year Julia!! 🥰🥳🥰❤️❤️🎉
Happy New Year to you too!
Self deprecating comments & thoughts.
Could you make a video on how to handle rejection? This is the fear that puts me off of talking to people.
Can you expand on this? What kind of rejection and from whom?
That they wont like me and judge and ignore me.
@@SubakiAzusa agreed, please address this
I have a strong feeling that people dont really want to be with me. It comes from because my husband’s love language doesn’t include quality time and that was a big part why I divorced him in Feb 2023. Plus my lovely 3 children have already grown up, now they have their own lives, what I totally understand, but it gives also the feeling left alone. I push myself through this, I collect all the occasions where I can invite my friends and family members spent time with me. Usually I enjoy my new life alone as well, but I fear this feeling - being neglected and not spending time with me - will have a huge impact on my next relationship🤔what tools could I use? 🤓please share your thoughts 😇 Thanks for all your support and advice Julia❤, you are one of my best inspiration 🎉🥳
My self esteem is terrible. Gotta do something to fix it and soon
What's one thing you could start with?
@ giving myself some more grace when making mistakes. I give it to other people all the time
You are , okay lets not be rude. Great video
Thanks!
You're welcome. Thanks for being here.
All of the above, plus imposter syndrome of course
I sometimes feel like I'm not a real person. I can't explain it. Having my mother move in temporarily while her new house closes has been hard. I don't feel like a real person. Ended up in hospital and back on benzos after 9 years of sobriety.
Have a look into depersonalization/derealization disorder. If it seems to fit, reach out to a health care provider. Best wishes. :)
This is an excellent video however it is very difficult to follow with the I and You and Think and Feel and Say and Do hhhhhh im at work listening to this in the background and i rewinded it like 20 times and im still lost I just gotta refocus
Dont forget about getting used that takes effort from the user
I definitely feel that sense of inferiority socially especially in the town here in the UK where I live which is very affluent, and im not from that background and I rent here because I cant afford to buy. Also I have teally strugglesld with confidence with women and even attracting women as I feel like an imposter. 3 years ago my girlfriend left me and since then ive been on 2 dates. I never seem to get much interest from women and it has messed with my self esteem.
😏 @20:00 *_Be more INTERESTED, than interesting_* is the best Friendship & Dating Advice 👌
Why are all the replies to comments deleted?
This is my husband, I'm the secure partner. I've tried to explain to him this is him and he gets extremely defensive. How can I get him to see he's insecure?
Too warm too much too cold too much. Alot of ppl chime out
I push people away cause I don’t like the smell.
What do you think of Nathanial Branden's books on the subject?
It's a good one.
@@juliakristinamah Is it realistic?
I actually called him to thank him for it. He said:
"'I hope that you are actually putting it into practice.
I did not write this book for nothing."
It is easy to read his book and use the sentence writing- exercises in it, but you have to go out there and use those in real life.
I was scared, but I did it.
Overcome laziness, have courage, and love your own life.
All the best for you Juiia 🙂.
3:09
you look like lady gaga omg
You are so intence. Slow down
Do people like you live in reality or some kind of alternate universe. What about the people that has this happen to them constantly. Where the people in your life make it clear through actions that they don't care about you in reality
I actually despise dealing with low self esteem people...don't let losers infect you with loser thinking.
No one was born with low self-esteem. They may have been talked down upon, bullied or ignored so they think their wants, needs and ideas don't matter. They may also have caregivers who role modelled low self-esteem. Let's change our prespective on how we see those with low self-esteem as struggling people, not losers.