Agreed. On top of that, some people report to HR ON BEHALF of someone else. This happened to me at work. My boss was talking to me in my office. The door was closed, and it was only the two of us in there having a meeting. My boss made a joke that was extremely minor that absolutely did not offend me. He knew me quite well and knew it wouldn't offend me. Heck, it didn't even occur to me that the joke would offend ANYONE. I had to think about the joke for several hours to figure out how anyone could possibly have found it offensive and finally realized there was a very unusual double meaning in the joke (so obscure I didn't even think of it until after thinking of it non-stop for several hours) that someone could have thought was saying something slightly derogatory to me. A co-worker happened to be walking by in the hall and overheard the joke. I say happened to be walking by, but I tried to recreate the incident, and she had to basically have been standing by the door with her ear pressed against the door to hear it. Anyway, she reported him to HR for intimidating me with his superior power in his superior position with a joke that "clearly offended me, but I didn't have the power to stand up to it." He got in trouble. They wouldn't even tell him what he did, but since I was the so-called victim in the scenario they were willing to tell me. Everyone lost in that scenario. I felt so violated I can't even explain it. The joke didn't bother me at all. I know he didn't mean it in the derogatory way and hadn't even thought about how it could be taken that way, and neither had I. But even if he had meant it that way, we had the kind of relationship that I would have known it wasn't personal, and it was so mildly derogatory that even if it had been intentional I wouldn't have found it offensive. However, I never felt safe in my office after that because I knew I had a co-worker who loved drama and tattling who was creepily listening in at my door. My boss was completely demoralized after that for quite awhile, and I felt so bad for him. He was terrified he had actually unintentionally hurt me in some way, even though I knew he hadn't. And most importantly, after that we didn't joke about ANYTHING ever again. And to be clear, it wasn't even much of a joke. I can't even remember exactly what the joke was about, but it was something similar to, "And we know that we need to use red to do highlighting instead of blue," because our school colors were red and white, and our rival's school colors were blue and white, but she realized I was wearing a blue shirt, so it could have been a dig at how I was dressed. I have also been on the other side where I had to report something real to HR - theft and contracts that were breaking the law. Basically, the person who was doing the theft and fraud got a slap on the wrist, and then 6 months later was given a major promotion to get them out of the awkward situation. Ultimately, they made it around to being my boss, and as soon as they were my boss they found a plausible, unrelated way to get me fired that I could never prove was retaliation against a whistle blower. And I have seen this happen countless times before. So you are absolutely right. Whether it's a situation that is so ridiculously petty that it shouldn't be taken to HR or is so serious it should be taken to HR and perhaps even the police, it never seems to be the right move. HR never does the right thing, only the thing that causes the least inconvenience and cost for HR and the company. And then afterwards everyone has ruffled feathers and starts taking petty revenge on each other to penalize each other for taking it to HR in the first place. I have never once seen a case where taking it to HR had a good resolution.
It took my wife more than a year to finally fire a bully. It was ridiculous how many chances he was given. His sabotaging behaviors were very hard to hold him accountable for. He was on three PIPs. He’d do just enough to get off and then start bullying team members all over again. After he was fired it was discovered he had himself a secret server he would hide reports on to create chaos. Horrible human being.
A lot of work has been broadcast on the perpetrators of toxic environments (e.g. Narcissism) . I love how this focuses more on the other side. The impact observed by the victims. Thank you Forence!
In my opinion the only way to stop the bullying is to allow recordings because it comes from supervisors and oftentimes from their HR friends who tell them everything.
Great talk. Now, if only we had the right leaders in place to embrace these words and implement these strategies. In speaking up recently about being discriminated, harassed, and retaliated against, an employee relations leader told me " If I go back and I find discrimination, then, I'll have to fire people. And I have to think about the risks to the company." I escalated to the chief of hr, and now I'm being terminated as of Jan 2nd. But I am a fighter...so gonna fight as much as I can via the law.
Thank you so much for your Ted talk. I have an abusive work colleague. I can’t prove bullying but I can prove targeted and repeated incivility. Thanks for helping me with my words for my written complaint
I’m so glad I could help you express what is going on. It is so hard to get people to understand when you lack the words to describe what you’re experiencing. Sorry you went through what you did.
I just experienced it as well. I think we’re turning a corner on our understanding of it. I ended up leaving a job I worked very hard for and cared a lot about. I hope it goes better for you.
Get out sooner than later, there is no shame in bringing it up to management, human resources, legal resources outside the company. Life is short, there is no shame in living it properly.
I had to stop watching because the audio. To everyone going through bullying especially at the workplace or school, stand up; speak up. Tell trustful authorities and loved ones about it. Do not believe it will just go away. Don't allow them to control your behavior and mood. You got this and karma WILL catch up!
By the way, you are gonna come across at least 1 sociopath/narcissist/psychopath in any corporation you go to. At least 1 out of 100 people are that, so it isn't weird that you'll encounter those.
This is 5 months later, but if you are still in the same situation, I would suggest applying to other places. In my case I failed because I held on too long hoping things would change. Things didn't in my case and I reached breaking point so I quit. I wrote about my experience with mobbing and relentless bullying and harassment from over 40 individuals most of whom I never met before. It happened at the hospital for special surgery in NYC and you can read more if you Google "Nightmare at HSS". Link is also in my account description.
A clue is given in the advert for a job at a firm is the mentionining in the advert of 'working under pressure' which is a code for you will be bullied and is a red flag. People have to do this and in the UK people would have to do this in order to avoid benefit sanctions and accusiations of being lazy/workshy. We know that society enjoys labelling people as lazy or workshy. This forces people into positions into having to apply to toxic abusive organisations. Governments and their civil servants (Jobcentres for the UK) enable this by their policy. One can't deny that. Some people have no trustful authorities especially people with certain disabilities/neurodivergences. Sometimes an unsuccessful application is a dodged bullet.
I spoke up about a sexist colleague, he turned everything around and made himself the victim and me to perpetrator. I got fired and he is still working there. Even though other people also complained about his behavior. I will never report again. Just find a new job and get out of there.
I am so sorry to hear this dear. 2 days ago it happened with me. I lead a team of 8 people and am the POC of 20 people. I have worked in this organisation for over three years and my own co-worker (another TL but not a POC) humiliated me in front of the entire team in a virtual meeting. I reported him and he filled our manager with lies about how I am biased and use my position of power against people. I know I have countless evidences of his sexist tone and messages but it has deeply affected me as he has been verbally abusing me for a year now but this time, he did it in front of everyone.
@@kajolsharma8840 I’m sorry your going through it. If you can manage it, leave. Honestly getting out of there has been so good for me. Even if the way of it happening is total bs. I’m so happy to be away from that malignant person. I work a better shift, make better money, and have better benefits. And no one treats me like that.
@@stephanielacoco hey Stephanie, thanks for replying. I have thought about this many times but as of now, my manager who is a woman herself is supporting me and I have all kind of data and evidence against all the lies he spread. I am also up for a promotion in the next two months. Because of these reasons, I don’t want to leave. However, it is very difficult to be around this person and see him spread lies and his propaganda further. I am putting my faith in the system and people who support me, I really hope things get better.
@@kajolsharma8840 it sounds like your situation is way different than mine. My supervisor was a man who definitely refused to see my coworker for what he was. The guy even said sexist things in front of him that he tried to gaslight me about. I had no support in the situation. I was going to quit once I found a new job. It was a nightmare situation. It sounds like yours is much different and for that I am happy for you. Good luck and hopefully the promotion takes you farther from his reach.
I have been there, I have advised the management with the same data and HR, and I have been bullied more😅. Changed simply work and I found a better work environment, luckily. Sorry for my ex colleagues trapped in that enabler environment to handle middle management focused on target and their personal wallet.
I’ve been badly harassed for the last year. My mom died. Then a coworker started to target me and harass. Just got laid off because she was best friends with boss. Karma is a bitc*
… If you’re not afraid of bullying in the workplace I don’t know what else. There’s a book called Something Happened by Joseph Heller where he says he’s “… always afraid of closed doors in the workplace …”. Bully victims get berated behind closed doors.
There's even MORE to this snapshot...in the case of bullying.. In my case...other strings were being pulled as well. Nonetheless....those that participated...are not worth much...in the grand scheme of life. What an ordeal to go through...but I did. Disgraceful!!
No mercy and no shame in excelating these infrations to superioris - the problem is a lack of transparency in reporting these "trouble makers" - when they cause one employee to feel like death, they cause the company to die too. This is life, we live - there's no time for games, there's extreme accountability and standing our part in the tribe. We lose the tribe, we either build a new one or we are done. Most alphas were once lone wolves unsung in their role, finding the true aspirational resonance with those they believe in, something they truly believe in. The suffering is the lack of justice instilled and fractured deep into these comfortable zombie aloof bullies to have a great rock bottom moment of realization about their own life, to finally see the mirror for what it is.
She knows her facts. But the visual results is not as one sided as she puts it. Both sides have accountability for incivility because there are still people who have this need to be right. Whenever you have the need to protect from..., that's when an all out war of incivility happens. When defenses go up to deter it. The workplace is already a place that most people really don't wanna be, but when it boils down to what's going on? It's all about spiritual attacks and spiritual warfare in our day to day lives.
If and when AI takes over I believe it's gonna crack down on all this and none of these bully's will no longer be able to get away with this harassment
Informative. Most times when you report bullying to HR, they don't help.
Everyone loses this battle when you Report it to HR. It just makes you sick and full of anxiety.
Agreed. On top of that, some people report to HR ON BEHALF of someone else. This happened to me at work. My boss was talking to me in my office. The door was closed, and it was only the two of us in there having a meeting. My boss made a joke that was extremely minor that absolutely did not offend me. He knew me quite well and knew it wouldn't offend me. Heck, it didn't even occur to me that the joke would offend ANYONE. I had to think about the joke for several hours to figure out how anyone could possibly have found it offensive and finally realized there was a very unusual double meaning in the joke (so obscure I didn't even think of it until after thinking of it non-stop for several hours) that someone could have thought was saying something slightly derogatory to me. A co-worker happened to be walking by in the hall and overheard the joke. I say happened to be walking by, but I tried to recreate the incident, and she had to basically have been standing by the door with her ear pressed against the door to hear it. Anyway, she reported him to HR for intimidating me with his superior power in his superior position with a joke that "clearly offended me, but I didn't have the power to stand up to it." He got in trouble. They wouldn't even tell him what he did, but since I was the so-called victim in the scenario they were willing to tell me.
Everyone lost in that scenario. I felt so violated I can't even explain it. The joke didn't bother me at all. I know he didn't mean it in the derogatory way and hadn't even thought about how it could be taken that way, and neither had I. But even if he had meant it that way, we had the kind of relationship that I would have known it wasn't personal, and it was so mildly derogatory that even if it had been intentional I wouldn't have found it offensive. However, I never felt safe in my office after that because I knew I had a co-worker who loved drama and tattling who was creepily listening in at my door. My boss was completely demoralized after that for quite awhile, and I felt so bad for him. He was terrified he had actually unintentionally hurt me in some way, even though I knew he hadn't. And most importantly, after that we didn't joke about ANYTHING ever again. And to be clear, it wasn't even much of a joke. I can't even remember exactly what the joke was about, but it was something similar to, "And we know that we need to use red to do highlighting instead of blue," because our school colors were red and white, and our rival's school colors were blue and white, but she realized I was wearing a blue shirt, so it could have been a dig at how I was dressed.
I have also been on the other side where I had to report something real to HR - theft and contracts that were breaking the law. Basically, the person who was doing the theft and fraud got a slap on the wrist, and then 6 months later was given a major promotion to get them out of the awkward situation. Ultimately, they made it around to being my boss, and as soon as they were my boss they found a plausible, unrelated way to get me fired that I could never prove was retaliation against a whistle blower. And I have seen this happen countless times before.
So you are absolutely right. Whether it's a situation that is so ridiculously petty that it shouldn't be taken to HR or is so serious it should be taken to HR and perhaps even the police, it never seems to be the right move. HR never does the right thing, only the thing that causes the least inconvenience and cost for HR and the company. And then afterwards everyone has ruffled feathers and starts taking petty revenge on each other to penalize each other for taking it to HR in the first place. I have never once seen a case where taking it to HR had a good resolution.
It took my wife more than a year to finally fire a bully. It was ridiculous how many chances he was given. His sabotaging behaviors were very hard to hold him accountable for. He was on three PIPs. He’d do just enough to get off and then start bullying team members all over again. After he was fired it was discovered he had himself a secret server he would hide reports on to create chaos. Horrible human being.
Awful.
A lot of work has been broadcast on the perpetrators of toxic environments (e.g. Narcissism) . I love how this focuses more on the other side. The impact observed by the victims. Thank you Forence!
Thank you, Dave. Glad it gave you a different perspective.
Relatable. I've been relentlessly bullied, and continue to be bullied by my ex-employer. It's so sad.
In my opinion the only way to stop the bullying is to allow recordings because it comes from supervisors and oftentimes from their HR friends who tell them everything.
EXACTLY!!!!
Great talk. Now, if only we had the right leaders in place to embrace these words and implement these strategies. In speaking up recently about being discriminated, harassed, and retaliated against, an employee relations leader told me " If I go back and I find discrimination, then, I'll have to fire people. And I have to think about the risks to the company." I escalated to the chief of hr, and now I'm being terminated as of Jan 2nd. But I am a fighter...so gonna fight as much as I can via the law.
Thank you so much for your Ted talk. I have an abusive work colleague. I can’t prove bullying but I can prove targeted and repeated incivility. Thanks for helping me with my words for my written complaint
I’m so glad I could help you express what is going on. It is so hard to get people to understand when you lack the words to describe what you’re experiencing. Sorry you went through what you did.
Im experiencing bullying. God help me.
I just experienced it as well. I think we’re turning a corner on our understanding of it. I ended up leaving a job I worked very hard for and cared a lot about. I hope it goes better for you.
Get out sooner than later, there is no shame in bringing it up to management, human resources, legal resources outside the company. Life is short, there is no shame in living it properly.
Gotchu! @imjuliemay
Just protect me from MY bullies 😂
If you’re going to leave you might as well go down fighting. What have you got to lose?
I had to stop watching because the audio. To everyone going through bullying especially at the workplace or school, stand up; speak up. Tell trustful authorities and loved ones about it.
Do not believe it will just go away. Don't allow them to control your behavior and mood. You got this and karma WILL catch up!
By the way, you are gonna come across at least 1 sociopath/narcissist/psychopath in any corporation you go to. At least 1 out of 100 people are that, so it isn't weird that you'll encounter those.
I’m living a nightmare at my work unfortunately with all my bills I can’t leave 😢
This is 5 months later, but if you are still in the same situation, I would suggest applying to other places. In my case I failed because I held on too long hoping things would change. Things didn't in my case and I reached breaking point so I quit. I wrote about my experience with mobbing and relentless bullying and harassment from over 40 individuals most of whom I never met before. It happened at the hospital for special surgery in NYC and you can read more if you Google "Nightmare at HSS". Link is also in my account description.
A clue is given in the advert for a job at a firm is the mentionining in the advert of 'working under pressure' which is a code for you will be bullied and is a red flag. People have to do this and in the UK people would have to do this in order to avoid benefit sanctions and accusiations of being lazy/workshy. We know that society enjoys labelling people as lazy or workshy. This forces people into positions into having to apply to toxic abusive organisations. Governments and their civil servants (Jobcentres for the UK) enable this by their policy. One can't deny that. Some people have no trustful authorities especially people with certain disabilities/neurodivergences. Sometimes an unsuccessful application is a dodged bullet.
I spoke up about a sexist colleague, he turned everything around and made himself the victim and me to perpetrator. I got fired and he is still working there. Even though other people also complained about his behavior. I will never report again. Just find a new job and get out of there.
I am so sorry to hear this dear. 2 days ago it happened with me. I lead a team of 8 people and am the POC of 20 people. I have worked in this organisation for over three years and my own co-worker (another TL but not a POC) humiliated me in front of the entire team in a virtual meeting. I reported him and he filled our manager with lies about how I am biased and use my position of power against people. I know I have countless evidences of his sexist tone and messages but it has deeply affected me as he has been verbally abusing me for a year now but this time, he did it in front of everyone.
@@kajolsharma8840 I’m sorry your going through it. If you can manage it, leave. Honestly getting out of there has been so good for me. Even if the way of it happening is total bs. I’m so happy to be away from that malignant person. I work a better shift, make better money, and have better benefits. And no one treats me like that.
@@stephanielacoco hey Stephanie, thanks for replying. I have thought about this many times but as of now, my manager who is a woman herself is supporting me and I have all kind of data and evidence against all the lies he spread. I am also up for a promotion in the next two months. Because of these reasons, I don’t want to leave. However, it is very difficult to be around this person and see him spread lies and his propaganda further.
I am putting my faith in the system and people who support me, I really hope things get better.
@@kajolsharma8840 it sounds like your situation is way different than mine. My supervisor was a man who definitely refused to see my coworker for what he was. The guy even said sexist things in front of him that he tried to gaslight me about. I had no support in the situation. I was going to quit once I found a new job. It was a nightmare situation. It sounds like yours is much different and for that I am happy for you. Good luck and hopefully the promotion takes you farther from his reach.
Forence - great Talk. Thank you for having the courage to share your story!
Thank you, Mary! I hope my experience helps someone through theirs or even better, keeps someone from experiencing the same thing.
I have been there, I have advised the management with the same data and HR, and I have been bullied more😅. Changed simply work and I found a better work environment, luckily. Sorry for my ex colleagues trapped in that enabler environment to handle middle management focused on target and their personal wallet.
I love your talk! So raw, so passionate. Thank you for highlighting this important topic!
Thank you!
I’ve been badly harassed for the last year. My mom died. Then a coworker started to target me and harass. Just got laid off because she was best friends with boss. Karma is a bitc*
…
If you’re not afraid of bullying in the workplace I don’t know what else. There’s a book called Something Happened by Joseph Heller where he says he’s “… always afraid of closed doors in the workplace …”. Bully victims get berated behind closed doors.
Workplace bullying destroyed me
There's even MORE to this snapshot...in the case of bullying.. In my case...other strings were being pulled as well. Nonetheless....those that participated...are not worth much...in the grand scheme of life. What an ordeal to go through...but I did. Disgraceful!!
This video lists some insightful passive tropes of bullying from 8:29 onwards.
I’m afraid to go to work. They are trying to make me insane and take away my looks.
No mercy and no shame in excelating these infrations to superioris - the problem is a lack of transparency in reporting these "trouble makers" - when they cause one employee to feel like death, they cause the company to die too. This is life, we live - there's no time for games, there's extreme accountability and standing our part in the tribe. We lose the tribe, we either build a new one or we are done. Most alphas were once lone wolves unsung in their role, finding the true aspirational resonance with those they believe in, something they truly believe in. The suffering is the lack of justice instilled and fractured deep into these comfortable zombie aloof bullies to have a great rock bottom moment of realization about their own life, to finally see the mirror for what it is.
She knows her facts. But the visual results is not as one sided as she puts it.
Both sides have accountability for incivility because there are still people who have this need to be right. Whenever you have the need to protect from..., that's when an all out war of incivility happens. When defenses go up to deter it.
The workplace is already a place that most people really don't wanna be, but when it boils down to what's going on? It's all about spiritual attacks and spiritual warfare in our day to day lives.
If and when AI takes over I believe it's gonna crack down on all this and none of these bully's will no longer be able to get away with this harassment
I hope everyone with a daughter reads this certain topics arent funny
Get the outtta here...your vog. and every buss in America follows the same game plan.
Laughable ..file a report with HR😂😂😂
Laughable HR never helps
Remove all the pawns of your opponents. You can change the game itself nowadays. More knights, more queens, more rooks, etc.