They actually do have a really essential thing in common: the level of traumatization. Most of these couples/parents were really traumatized and then they pass that on to their children. People usually attract other people who are traumatized to a similar degree as themselves, because no one wants to be with someone who's unhealthier than them, and they can't really be with healthier people for the same reason. They may be traumatized in different ways tho, but that just strengthens the attraction, just like two different poles of magnets attract each other.
@@danifurka6790 I agree. I am a Indigenous man and I see this play out on my home reservation. A lot of it goes back to generational trauma obviously. A nonstop cycle of trauma and abuse to others or themselves.
@@danifurka6790 this attraction you’re talking about is nothing but lust because you can’t properly love when you’re traumatized and there’s nothing more humiliating than being a lust child
I saw a post on tiktok recently that said "Behind every man who struggles in relationships, is a young boy who sat at the top of the stairs and listened to it all." ; when I read it, it instantly brought back memories that I had forgotten or repressed, and then similarly in the comments, many other people said the same thing that they had forgotten about sitting at the top of the stairs listening to their parents argue.
It's easier to control masses of people by exploiting the weaknesses of women. That's why women marry the State, they don't marry men. A man has to divorce the State before he can marry a woman. It took me so damn long to realize that much, but when you get it, a million light bulbs go off simultaneously. The State will do everything possible to control and subjugate men, that's how the Romans came up with the Collegia (look up the definition in an ancient dictionary) and it really is the forerunner to the modern Corporation. They don't trust men to be responsible - but if you're a man and you know how to be responsible, I really don't understand how or why you would go along with that when the rewards of making a better choice are so much greater. You have to basically decide for yourself if you want to live in a monolithic hierarchy with a one-world judeo-masonic government, or if you want some semblance of justice. And you can't have both.
My parents fought every night, screaming at each other, both of them yelling "you're just selfish". My Father worked a physically demanding job and had only the TV for distraction when he came home.(In the early 1950's it was a luxury to have one TV)My Mother was an invalid and couldn't go out so the TV was all she had. They accused each other of being selfish .I was terrified at the yelling. It was a small house. Today there was an Indian family behind me in the line at the store, fighting. I started shaking. They were all yelling, especially the Father was really LOUD. I am still upset ,hours later. I was terrified. In my marriage I had zero tolerance for conflict and I married a controlling man. He wanted a fight and I absolutely could not fight. Too scary. I was broken. I still am. Thank you for your show. All of my trauma wasn't even named until today. Narcissists walk all over me.
I am so sorry that those things happened to you, Ann. It is so sad that we have created communities where such violence is accepted and even facilitated. Take care.
That had to be terrible to go through : (. I'm glad you finally had your trauma named in this video. My parents were abusive and controlling but managed to at least keep their fights in harsh whispers behind closed doors most the time. Their only two open fights I remember made me feel awful, twisted me all up inside.
I live in Canada ,_ and this year _ about half the people around me _ now look like Indians from India _ and the aggression coming from these people is scary _ the driving is scary& in a restaurant where the little girls are not given food but the little boys have gold necklace around his neck and lots of food to eat _ it's scary to see the racism against women in this culture. North America is no match for primitive cultures who will not adapt to our civilized culture _ SCARY to think _ soon I won't be able to find public washroom cause I am a female.
As a 26 year old man I completely relate to your story. I know how hard it is - the powerlessness and the constant anxiety. This is an awful way to live, but we aren't alone.
My mom used to scream day in and day out at my father over every little things. He'd come home from work after doing construction and she'd just chew onto him, even smacking him around at times. The moment he'd raise his voice she'd start calling family crying about how violent he was being. He eventually did divorce her but she used thd courts against him taking everything and limiting his communication with me while blaming him for everything. She then tyrned on me screaming in my face daily, also calling me aggressive and crying when I'd get frustrated.
Bro fr. It's always after they fight they always get mad at me and says stuff like "you only thinked about yourself" Or "you don't understand what I'm going through you are just a child." It was never about us the children it's always about them.
Its common in India for both parents to hate each other. Divorce is taboo, Domestic violence is 90% and Arrange Marriages are the only acceptable relationships. Cities that are Developed like Mumbai and Bangalore have Love marriages, but India mainly has AMs. And.....they're pretty bad. Like....our kids grow up with pressure from EVERYONE.
I've been to India and seen some of this. The positive side of India was that families aren't as isolated and that the violence isn't hidden. So the chances of having at least one sane family member you can safely go to is a little higher than when you're in a western single family household with two narcissistic parents.
I've met a few Indian couples who were arranged and were both very happy with it. But I'm sure they aren't the full picture. It's usually just justified as "its cultural." I hope that more people from this culture start speaking out about mental health and family trauma, because I feel that alot of Asian cultures are still in denial about it.
Someone in the comments have mentioned that its not hidden and all But sorry to brust your bubble but no one intervens or stops the fights between wife and husband even when husband is hitting their wife That’s how indian families roll
My parent's fights consisted of mom saying something dad didn't like. He'd insult her and/or yell at her. She'd "talk back." Then he'd hit her. I'd run crying to my room or outside if it wasn't dark. My sister and I wore all our underpants to church because we knew we'd all get spankings when we got home for not being quiet. I never learned how to properly disagree with anyone. "Confrontation leads to physical violence." I'm 67 and still f***ed up.
Hi! I'm so sorry that you had to go through this, you did not deserve it at all :( Many people reach the end of their lives never having realised the screwed up things that happened to them and also the screwed things they did to the people around them. With this in mind, 67 sounds like a great age to start processing these things - you're gonna be one spunky woman, who stands up for herself and loves herself!
Hearing Daniel speak with such intelligence and maturity about his sources of childhood trauma gives me hope that one day, I can be in a similar place.
I originally wrote that psych evaluations and therapy should be mandatory for anyone wanting a child, or even getting married but the fact is, particularly in America, the psychopathic global consumer society has destroyed norms, spiritual guidance centers (churches), extended families (which means a lot of codependent couples), communities etc. and add that to the amount of stress on the average American, healthy couples/families are getting rare. Plus the lack of physical exercise and what most people eat in America also contributes to agression.
And to add to that, one man could support a family of 10 on one paycheck now people can't afford more than 2 kids. The stress of both parents working all day and not having the time or energy to give to those few kids. Strangers raise them to be noncompliant with parents removing valuable belief systems and instilling popularity syndrome and consumerism on them.
My parents fought EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and sometimes in the daytime. She screamed at him all night long! I never figured out why but I know my mother was "" mentally ill" according to my father. He rarely spoke during these fights. All 4 of us kids were sleep deprived as it went on all night long. We had to get up early in the morning for school. One night during the screaming, I knocked on their door and asked for them to stop as I had to get up early for school. My mother immediately jumped up and and ran into my room, screaming at me and tore my rollers out of hair. My big brother pulled her off of me as I cried uncontrollably. I'll never forget this event. My dad was a kind father but us kids were not protected. Its strange to think about all the trauma we had to experience. And we all ended up with our own issues...my sisters' bipolar, my big brothers alcoholism, liver transplant and death at 68 my little brothers' lung issues and death at age 43, and 3 of us with divorces. Oh, and they took us all on a 6 week camping trip out west which was a nightmare for all of us.
I’m so sorry for what happend to you . I see the same pattern with my sis and her alcoholic husband . I’m worried my nephew will end up a troubled human being. Unfortunately statistics say it’s a 90% possibility
For almost as long as I can remember, my parents have never spoken to each other in a kind tone. My mother has been emotionally disconnected from the relationship for a while but for many many years as a child, my father would come home drunk and scream and berate her. I was always in my bedroom next door, hearing it all. I’m 18 now and I’ve never been in a relationship i worry that once I do I will not be able to have a calm discussion or argument without raising my voice, insulting, and screaming because that has been all I’ve seen. I just worry sometimes that I’ve been messed up in ways that I don’t know about yet
I‘ve had the same experience, I feel deeply for you, this was absolutely horrible. I‘m 27 now, moved out when I was 18, and now after almost 3 years of intense trauma therapy I am able to have perspective and acknowledge how horrible the time was for me. My mother & father really did mess me up in ways I today find out, they imbedded fear and shame in me on a fundamental level. I have found my partner, my boyfriend, at the age of 18 and we are still together. I acted out a lot of my trauma on him but he was patient and kind, loving. And once I explained to him that my fear of him doing xyz does have nothing to do with him personally, my body remembers it from my abusive childhood, he became more understanding and less reactive. So I have a safe space to work through my trauma. It is possible to be totally messed up and have a loving relationship. It‘s just really important that you never lose faith in YOU - be courages for YOU. They weren‘t there for you when you were little. Know you‘re grown, you be there for you. 🤍🤍🤍
Parents like this make it hard too follow the golden rule. How do kids honor respect their parents when their parents don’t give them something to respect
Yes, this is the story of my childhood, too. There was a lot of fighting between my parents, that escalated over time into physical abuse. I didn't realize that what I was witnessing was abuse, because it was verbal and emotional. I remember thinking a few times that I wished CPS would come and get me and put me in a new family. I didn't know how to make sense of what I saw. One night, I was in the 5th grade. My parents were fighting and it was escalating. I usually tried to hide in the background and pretend that I wasn't there. I was at my wits end and didn't know how much more I could take of it. So I ran out of my bedroom and tried to break it up. "Stop! you're going to hurt each other!" "Oh please!" my mother turned to me. "What do you possibly have to complain about? We give you everything!".
This reminds me of the "conventional wisdom" that my parents and the people around them would repeat over and over: "These problems are kept and resolved in the family, do not tell." That line was phrased in different ways, but the meaning is the same: keep the family 'secrets' hidden. "Be a good son/ daughter" becomes a euphemism for "you have to be obidient, compliant, and submissive." I remember people taking pride in repeating those phraces. They would even pride themselves of being able to repress their real emotions and keeping the secrecy.
Every couple has disagreements. Healthy couples prevent such disagreements escalate into verbal fights. They are able to navigate through the conflict with the ‘us vs the problem’ mindset as opposed to ‘me vs you’ approach. The latter is what leads to ugly, destructive fights which further breed resentments between the two.
My dad and step-mom fighting during my childhood still affects me deeply to this day. Any sort of argument or yelling brings out my inner child that wants to hide under the blankets and cover my ears. I hope to heal from this.
Same! I can’t stand when someone raises their voice to me or near me-it scares the hell out of me. I want to scurry away and hide. I’m 57 years old! Also had to hear my Dad beating my Mom-that was horrible too.
i didn't grow up seeing fighting (though i knew my grandparents didn't much like each other). but i can still remember being very young and sitting in the car while my cousin's parents fought outside her mom's work; i don't really remember the fight but i remember that it was raining and i watched my cousin get into the car with me after a while, tears streaming down her face. she doesn't remember this but somehow i do, even though those weren't my parents! it's no surprise that fighting screws with kids' heads
I remember when my mom finally kicked my dad out of the house, he came back unannounced one day, and hysterically began taking down all of the family photos off the wall, all while yelling at me and my sister that he 'wasn't the bad guy'. That traumatized me more than I will ever be able to express. In that moment I lost all respect for him.
Interesting topic, I grew up in domestic violence and one thing I have learned later in life is how much it impacted me. Which is that I block the world out, I do not let anyone in, I am emotionally closed off. What is weird about that, is I meet people who try so hard to break my shell.
Probably those people become attached to you because they had a closed off parent and are unconsciously trying to heal that through you... Which can be bad or good, depending on how both sides react and how aware of their trauma, and open to heal, each one is.
I didnt even think until recently how my panick attacks and anxiety mirror the same helpless feelings id have being there seeing my parents fight, being scared not know where im sleeping tonight
My daughter and her boyfriend argued and fought when my grandson was a baby. I think it caused his speech delay. He didn’t talk until his dad was out the picture.
Spot on. My brother and I were terrorised and traumatised from 3-18. He killed himself. I have only found to cope and some degree of peace in my 6 th decade. It affected my social life, work life and led to chronic depression.
Yes I always found the whole “being in a couple and fighting is normal!” was BS. I’ve only really acted out my trauma on my partner 1 time in the beginning of our relationship and it disgusted me so much I never did it again. I take full responsibility for that and always strive for better ways of communicating
I was regularly horrified at my parents fighting and when I had the courage to let it show they shut me down and justified themselves with this exact same argument. "It's normal for couples to fight. We love each other very much. You'll see you'll have fight too when you're in a couple ". What nonsense BS. It's sickening just to remember how these infantile lies made me feel, because I had no choice but to shut my doubts down and go along with it. If I didn't I felt they would gang up on me, and lo and behold this is exactly what happened, progressively more and worse, as I became an adult and confronted them.
@@mewe1023 Fighting in front of children makes their whole world insecure and dangerous. They feel fear and anger and pain over the possibility of losing a parent. Doing nothing to reassure them and validate their anguish is abandonment. Parents trying to enrole their child into supporting their own behavior is misuse. Abandonment and misuse are abuse. Anger and frustration are normal and healthy. Fighting and acting out in front of loved ones are not.
It's amazing to me that parents that are like this can be so ignorant as to how it's affecting their kids, not just in the moment but long lasting. I tried once to explain to my mom how it hurt me and she just scoffs and says "well it's over now" so who cares, why talk about it? For traumatized people the trauma isn't just "over" now because it's been a month or year or much longer. Really frustrating and invalidating. Thank you for talking about this Daniel.
My parents fought all throughout my childhood, I witnessed both of them cry over it, neighbors came up to me and asked if everything was alright at home because you could hear their fighting through the whole village, I constantly had to entertain and parent my younger sister, I had noone to turn to even though their fighting ate away on me, I wrote a christmas letter wishing for my parents to like each other again at age 8 (the first letter I wrote where no toys were listed and obviously my parents read those letters so that they'd know what to buy us), years years later I read my moms diary and she wrote how much she hates him and she wanted to stop having kids after their 4th child but he wouldn't listen. My sister and I are the 5th and 6th child and it is clear as daylight they didn't really want us - we weren't abused but I literally raised myself to raise my sister, if that makes sense. I took all my life towards her to distract her from our parents being at each other's throats 24/7 How do you actually heal from this because I'm 22 now and being around my parents always makes me feel depressed, it's a huge throwback to my childhood and idk how to deal with it. (they don't fight anymore because they seperated) I brought this up a couple of times and how it hurt me but they won't hear about it or say what they were fighting about is none of my business. I don't have any relationships, friends and romantically, I don't like people. I avoid them like the plague and I hate bigger crowds, I hate noisy rooms because it makes me feel anxious. I actually freeze up and my heart starts beating like crazy...
You sharing your story here proves you're very much on the path to healing. I went deep into Daniel Mackler's channel, and not only did it help me make sense of my own situation, but also made me feel seen and understood and finally get that I was okay and my childhood was the root of my pain, my mistakes, my misery.
Treat your parents with complete apathy when you have to and numb yourself towards your toxic family, that is what worked for me. Granted you will feel extremely alienated and lonely, but you’re better off focusing on your siblings and your own future. Social situations are rough for me as well. So I recommend finding a good group of friends that you feel comfortable around IRL to make up for not being very social. You will adjust quickly to social cues if thats what makes you uncomfortable
As a person whos parents fought alot throughout my childhood I appreciate that. Unfortunately they were also violent. Pretty sick, unconscious people. Thanks Daniel for bringing clarity again.
This sounds so familiar. I used to think it was all my father's fault until my mother started to manipulate and abuse me. And, oh yes, the family secret. I didn't know how to get close to anyone. Seeing him knock my mom about made intimacy with men impossible.
I wish my parents had fought. The tension and the static was there, but my parents would not take responsibility for it. They blamed and accused the kids, my siter and me, for any distortion in the family, even from a young age. They expected complete loyalty and gratitude almost worship from us. When we pointed out the dissonance we were shut out, criticised, reviled.
wow, once a month seems quite nice to be honest with you. When my parents divorced they got violent with each other, cops came over multiple times, was quite messy.
Im fully aware now that I’ve grown myself that I failed in many aspects of parenting my children. I was very young myself, having them at 19 & 21… and i really had no idea how much i was acting out my own childhood traumas on and in front of them. The only thing I can do now is give them space and work on my own healing, but it sucks not having the closeness and happiness we used to have knowing I’m the one who destroyed it. I feel like I gave everything I could for them but I still screwed up and I now I can only hope they don’t have lifelong problems because of me.
At least you're honest with yourself about it and you've taken responsibility. That's more than most parents ever do. Give them time, and let them know that the door is always open.
A few years ago I listened to my parents fight..I was lying in my old room. I stayed out of it..yet I lay there listening to them fight and I reached out to my brother - of course he wasn't there for me..why would he be. Then what was to be my friend..not there either. I just lay there crying quietly. The way they aggressively shot back at one another..it reminded me too much of the horrid ways my exes would have a go at me. It was toxic and unhealthy. Yet I knew if I stepped in, I would get yelled at so I did the best I could to get through it. 36 years old and hearing it..the same nasty ways..made me ill and shake.
I’ve noticed there are two types of people in the world. People who project their unhappiness onto others, and those who don’t. These days I do my best to not hang around with those who project onto others for as short a time as possible. #peace 🙏🏻
Yes, my mom was the dominant one over my dad. She was 8 years older than him. I hated having a mom be so much older than my dad, and it created a really creepy dynamic that I never felt ok with. At one point, their relationship seemed to me more like that of a mother/son rather than a husband and wife.
My son is stuck between me and his dad fighting…his dad use him to try to hurt me all the time…he is 11 and I hate it for him but his dad won’t stop… I pray god step in and heal this situation…
My parents fought weekly when i was 2-5 & divorced. It was my mother not my father who's voice i heard in bed. I remember the plate of spaghetti she threw between my father and i at the dinner table. It hit the wall. Of all the childhood trauma it was the sound of people arguing that made the hairs on the back my neck stand up. By 19 i wouldn't freeze up anymore (yes silent terror) . But i was probably 25 before i no longer had goosebumps whenever i heard raised voices of any sort. It was just like nails on s chalkboard for me. Thank you for your post 👍🏽
parents used to fight and i never stepped in to stop it or anything- tiny child that i was. years later i expressed wanting to pursue a degree in conflict resolution and my aunt said "how are you going to solve conflict for others when you couldnt even stand up and solve xyz conflict at your home" it made me all sorts of sad and mad lol. ive grown balancing the feelings of both of my parents to the point that i dont even know the truth of what i personally feel. ive learned to not give a shit and accept the complexity of the feelings that accompany growing up like these but im tired of having to constantly unpack it all. i just hope ill be conscious enough to not engage in behaviour like this when my time comes or what have you.
Your aunt is part of the problem and should be ashamed of herself. Don’t listen to people who are clearly just trying to keep you down, nobody needs to know what your plans are anyway. If you want to pursue conflict resolution then do it, there’s a good chance you’ll be excellent at it if you do the work. God bless you.
0:45 ~ ngl, the idea of taking a picture of your SO's angry face seems pretty funny to me now as an adult... anyway, witnessed my father belittle my mother at least once a day growing up, and tho she might have asked for it, it's just a petty, what are you parents teaching your kids?
Thank you for making this ❤, i have suffered from this since a long time but it seems like everyone dissmeses it like it doesn't have any effect when if fact i felt in danger even when i got to the age of 15 years old i was afraid and in a state of shock.
I think a lot of your audience has similar experiences as you in our childhoods. This is why what you talk about is so poignant and even relieving to hear of. It makes me feel not alone. It gives me a guide/lens with which to view my exact experience and maybe even some inspiration on how I can act despite it.
Before unsustainable population growth, humans lived in small bands. When parents argued, extended family or even other band members would step in to care for the child. That is what you missed, Daniel, the validation and safety of healthy community members. In order to create such communities humanity requires equity.
Have been saying this for years, that the family-unit puts you at the mercy of 2 individuals, unlike our group living ancestors, where the kid could 'punish' an adult by taking refuge in other adults. You could use multiple adults to explore different fractions of your personality.
"humanity requires equity"? This woke nonsense is just that, nonsense. You can't guarantee or create an equal outcome for siblings with the same lot in life, what makes you think you can create equal outcomes for vastly different people? If everybody followed Jesus' example, there would be peace. Even those who do it best still make mistakes, but what brings such disharmony in society are those who blatantly disregard it.
My childhood was similar, even worse at times, to the point of bloodshed. Of the five young children that had to live through it, the long term effects have been different for each of us. What I personally learned from these experiences was 'How Not to be a Parent', though other siblings of mine completely deny that these incidents ever occurred. It's interesting how we cope with trauma in our own way.🤔
The moment I knew I was in danger as a child was when I was 6 years old, lying in bed and suddenly hearing the sound of my father screaming in pain, begging my mother to stop hitting him. I remember how traumatized I was hearing this violence, which became a regular feature of home life.
Fighting is the eruption of all the buried historic emotions, kind of similar to the radiator releasing some of the pressure that you described on your video about panic attacks. For the children it must be like witnessing a war in their own house (their nest of safety... ). But... not fighting is not always a sign of evolution. Sometimes it may be a sign of the highest degree of suppression/dissociation/denial and that example may be equally hurtful for the child. A model for self destruction. Resolving our differences in a respectful way for ourselves and for the other can only happen when we have healed most of our issues so we do not project everything to the other person. But how many people have done that and if they start this process at some point, what are the chances the other person will also do the same for themselves?
Nice to meet you, Daniel. It was Licensed Evil Death Story that parental fighting and kids circus could be endless. Love and support have saved lives, thank you❤😊 Stay tuned 🍀🙏🏽
Thank you for the message. New subscriber 😊 I’m 55 & went final no contact a year ago. My parents fought all the time when I was a kid/teen. I’d go hide in my bedroom closet & cry. My father was an alcoholic back then & I figured that was the biggest issue. But as I got older & started developing, my mother really started treating me like sh!t. I know now that she’s a narcissist. I always blamed my father for those fights but maybe she had more to with them than I realized back then. I don’t miss the family toxicity at all! Nmother enlisted a flying monkey yesterday to get at my adult son…to get a message to me…as I have changed my phone number, blocked & deleted, & moved. Standing strong here! 💪🛡️
He won’t sit down and talk about this. He wont take accountability, everything is pointed back to me. He doesn’t care about calling me names and screaming in my face in front of our 2 year old
Even to this day, sometimes in my sleep I randomly wake up to see my parents if they are fighting even though the whole house is quiet. The yelling keeps on replaying in my mind.
I remember the fights distinctly and a lot of it I had forgotten out of instinct, pushing them down. One thing I will never forget is when the fighting got so bad that I had to mentally prepare myself to kill my father, finger on the trigger, in order to defend my mother from being harmed.
Much love to everyone here. It felt like dad was gonna snap at any moment and beat my mom or worse...once my younger brother got old enough to start remembering things, my parents toned it waaaay down on each other and focused that rage on me.
Thank you for this video. I grow up with my parents that have emotional problems. they’re started fighting since i was a kid. Now I’m 35 years Still fighting every single day! We’re all fighting… but i separated with thrm since i was 19 and come back, every times I come back home we’re always fighting, before I felt more suffering from this… I wanted to die because of environment made me feel stressed. I have problems about to have relationships with people I have no close friends i felt so alone sometimes. This video makes me understandingly more about trauma i have and my parents 🙏
I think I've seen 15 of your videos. in total over the past year. You strike me as a very honest person that has come a long way. Not just that but you share alot of value with everyone here. And even though we'll never meet, and you will probably never see this. I am proud of you. - I don't know how rare that decision is Daniel. I made the same one, at 15 or so. No romantic relationship when I'm this messed up by what has happened. Had chances at 15, 18, 21. Clearly girls were interrested. I couldn't. I did not want to hurt anyone. At 34 now I'm finally able to process and either start healing or continue to. And I expect to be ready for a healthy relationship somewhere in the coming years.
My parents fight a lot. And the main thing I hate (scared?) about it is the fact I have siblings. I’m the oldest and I’m scared for how these fight will my younger siblings. My youngest brother was born this year (2024) in January, not even a year old and my parents fight a lot. I’m scared on how it will affect him. I’m scared on how it will affect my younger brother, who’s currently 7. My younger sister shares a room with me so we are closer so she talks about how she feels about the fights openly, yet my (7 yr old) brother has his own room, so by the time I see him again it’s the next morning (the fights are mainly at night) and we never talk about how he feels. I’m scared for him and I’m scared for my youngest baby brother too. Of course my parents (mom only, from what ik of) has us talk about it privately bc she knows it’s bad to keep your feelings bottled up or it will explode, but she also wants all of us to be her “therapist”. She always talks bad about my father (I never hear my father talk badly about her…but he does say things like do this before your mom gets home if that counts), and we always have to listen. I hate having to listen to that, and ik my siblings feel no different.
I tried to help my sister to come out of the abusive relationship of 18 years where there is violence including broken nose , and finger bone for the sake of her son and I told her it’s not a good way to bring up the kid . No matter how hard I tried to explain , she always went back to her abusive husband . After all not all women want an escape they want to be a part of that relationship . That I don’t understand why , your videos does help me to put lot of things in perspective. Thank you for that .
Arguing is fine, and that's what some people mean when they say every couple fights. The big time fighters take it wrong. But why do people think it's ok just because everyone else does anyway? Look at how screwed up humanity is.
I had an abusive parent who would abuse their spouse and of course took the trophy photo. Imagine how horrible a human you have to be to abuse someone and be so proud of it you actually pull out a camera to take a picture of how unhappy you made them. Pure evil I was traumatized by the fighting in my house. I can't imagine terrorizing a child the way my family did to me. It taught me that relationships were about control, power, manipulation and pain. It also taught me that talking about these things are a betrayal. Ugh These videos are validating and often enlightening.
My parents would fight and scream everynight. I was always ready in case I needed to intervene. One night, my father smashed a chair, throwing it to the floor, just 1cm away from my mother. I just got there and freezed. That was the first time I freezed. I remember that I couldn't move a muscle.
In India many states have raging alcohol problems, many husbands are drunkards who physically abuse the mother right in front of their children plus verbally attack children . Poor kids go thru a lot of trauma
I think everybody knows, or at least, feels, their own load, but connecting to oneself while connecting to another (romantically) are not mutually exclusive acts, at all. On the contrary.. I see them as complementary, as indeed romantic connections are not formed, and more importantly, cultivated and grown, and healed or repaired in a vacuum. I think once you can assess an optimal, not perfect, state of being and said core fragility has become more (and more) stable, the person can, and in my opinion should forge a new relationship, in the firm knowledge that the successful outcome of such a connection is based on the parties' matching levels of self awareness and willingness to continue on their personal healing journey. ❤🙏
Mr. Mackler, please read the work of peter levine, waking the tiger and in an unspoken voice specifically. Awesome books i think you'll love. Thank you for your videos
Thank you Daniel being genuine and sincere! My best friend is a Phd in Psychology, highly a accomplished. I always tell him that what psychology lacks is looking at the macro. Look at Karl Marx philosophy on alienation that is caused by capitalism to look at the big picture.
people who clearly hate each other and have absolutely nothing in common: yeah let's have a ton of kids
They actually do have a really essential thing in common: the level of traumatization. Most of these couples/parents were really traumatized and then they pass that on to their children. People usually attract other people who are traumatized to a similar degree as themselves, because no one wants to be with someone who's unhealthier than them, and they can't really be with healthier people for the same reason.
They may be traumatized in different ways tho, but that just strengthens the attraction, just like two different poles of magnets attract each other.
Some people shouldn't have kids
@@danifurka6790 I agree. I am a Indigenous man and I see this play out on my home reservation. A lot of it goes back to generational trauma obviously.
A nonstop cycle of trauma and abuse to others or themselves.
@@danifurka6790 this attraction you’re talking about is nothing but lust because you can’t properly love when you’re traumatized and there’s nothing more humiliating than being a lust child
Especially when one decides to have a kid to try to mend things ugh poor kid.
And then the 3 days of 'silent treatment' walking on glass, until the rage thawed and spell was broken, only to start the next cycle
good times
That’s the story of my childhood and adolescence. I’m 58 now and just starting to deal with it 😢.
I saw a post on tiktok recently that said "Behind every man who struggles in relationships, is a young boy who sat at the top of the stairs and listened to it all." ; when I read it, it instantly brought back memories that I had forgotten or repressed, and then similarly in the comments, many other people said the same thing that they had forgotten about sitting at the top of the stairs listening to their parents argue.
It's easier to control masses of people by exploiting the weaknesses of women. That's why women marry the State, they don't marry men. A man has to divorce the State before he can marry a woman. It took me so damn long to realize that much, but when you get it, a million light bulbs go off simultaneously. The State will do everything possible to control and subjugate men, that's how the Romans came up with the Collegia (look up the definition in an ancient dictionary) and it really is the forerunner to the modern Corporation. They don't trust men to be responsible - but if you're a man and you know how to be responsible, I really don't understand how or why you would go along with that when the rewards of making a better choice are so much greater. You have to basically decide for yourself if you want to live in a monolithic hierarchy with a one-world judeo-masonic government, or if you want some semblance of justice. And you can't have both.
My parents fought every night, screaming at each other, both of them yelling "you're just selfish". My Father worked a physically demanding job and had only the TV for distraction when he came home.(In the early 1950's it was a luxury to have one TV)My Mother was an invalid and couldn't go out so the TV was all she had. They accused each other of being selfish .I was terrified at the yelling. It was a small house.
Today there was an Indian family behind me in the line at the store, fighting. I started shaking. They were all yelling, especially the Father was really LOUD. I am still upset ,hours later. I was terrified.
In my marriage I had zero tolerance for conflict and I married a controlling man. He wanted a fight and I absolutely could not fight. Too scary. I was broken. I still am. Thank you for your show. All of my trauma wasn't even named until today. Narcissists walk all over me.
I am so sorry that those things happened to you, Ann. It is so sad that we have created communities where such violence is accepted and even facilitated. Take care.
That had to be terrible to go through : (. I'm glad you finally had your trauma named in this video.
My parents were abusive and controlling but managed to at least keep their fights in harsh whispers behind closed doors most the time. Their only two open fights I remember made me feel awful, twisted me all up inside.
Thanks for speaking up!!
I live in Canada ,_ and this year _ about half the people around me _ now look like Indians from India _ and the aggression coming from these people is scary _ the driving is scary& in a restaurant where the little girls are not given food but the little boys have gold necklace around his neck and lots of food to eat _ it's scary to see the racism against women in this culture.
North America is no match for primitive cultures who will not adapt to our civilized culture _ SCARY to think _ soon I won't be able to find public washroom cause I am a female.
As a 26 year old man I completely relate to your story. I know how hard it is - the powerlessness and the constant anxiety. This is an awful way to live, but we aren't alone.
My mom used to scream day in and day out at my father over every little things. He'd come home from work after doing construction and she'd just chew onto him, even smacking him around at times. The moment he'd raise his voice she'd start calling family crying about how violent he was being. He eventually did divorce her but she used thd courts against him taking everything and limiting his communication with me while blaming him for everything. She then tyrned on me screaming in my face daily, also calling me aggressive and crying when I'd get frustrated.
Sounds like your dad experienced parental alienation, I hope you reconnected with him later.
The worst thing about adverse childhood experiences is that they can have a lifelong impact.
My parents fighting made my little brother and I super hyper vigilant. I’m 52 and he’s 49 now and we’re still healing.
...and never stop healing!
My parents fighting made me and my brother laugh, I still laugh when I think back.
😢
Same
This is exactly why I don’t care about having kids myself at all not about to traumatize more innocent human beings wtf
You are a good man
Same thing. Parents fought, and they didn't give a damn on how it affected little me. All they cared was themeselves and who's in control.
Bro fr. It's always after they fight they always get mad at me and says stuff like "you only thinked about yourself" Or "you don't understand what I'm going through you are just a child." It was never about us the children it's always about them.
Its common in India for both parents to hate each other. Divorce is taboo, Domestic violence is 90% and Arrange Marriages are the only acceptable relationships. Cities that are Developed like Mumbai and Bangalore have Love marriages, but India mainly has AMs.
And.....they're pretty bad. Like....our kids grow up with pressure from EVERYONE.
I've been to India and seen some of this.
The positive side of India was that families aren't as isolated and that the violence isn't hidden. So the chances of having at least one sane family member you can safely go to is a little higher than when you're in a western single family household with two narcissistic parents.
I've met a few Indian couples who were arranged and were both very happy with it. But I'm sure they aren't the full picture. It's usually just justified as "its cultural." I hope that more people from this culture start speaking out about mental health and family trauma, because I feel that alot of Asian cultures are still in denial about it.
Someone in the comments have mentioned that its not hidden and all
But sorry to brust your bubble but no one intervens or stops the fights between wife and husband even when husband is hitting their wife
That’s how indian families roll
@@sowmyamatta9985😢
An entire population of traumatized people.
These types of parents will also destroy themselves AND try to take their kids down with them
My parent's fights consisted of mom saying something dad didn't like. He'd insult her and/or yell at her. She'd "talk back." Then he'd hit her. I'd run crying to my room or outside if it wasn't dark. My sister and I wore all our underpants to church because we knew we'd all get spankings when we got home for not being quiet. I never learned how to properly disagree with anyone. "Confrontation leads to physical violence." I'm 67 and still f***ed up.
Hi! I'm so sorry that you had to go through this, you did not deserve it at all :( Many people reach the end of their lives never having realised the screwed up things that happened to them and also the screwed things they did to the people around them. With this in mind, 67 sounds like a great age to start processing these things - you're gonna be one spunky woman, who stands up for herself and loves herself!
My Dad says spouses who don't fight don't truly love each other. No wonder I've been in therapy for 10+ years. Hugs! ❤
Hearing Daniel speak with such intelligence and maturity about his sources of childhood trauma gives me hope that one day, I can be in a similar place.
absolutely.. especially with other great sources like IFS Dr. Richard and Sam Vaknin etc. *V 4 life!!!*
I originally wrote that psych evaluations and therapy should be mandatory for anyone wanting a child, or even getting married but the fact is, particularly in America, the psychopathic global consumer society has destroyed norms, spiritual guidance centers (churches), extended families (which means a lot of codependent couples), communities etc. and add that to the amount of stress on the average American, healthy couples/families are getting rare. Plus the lack of physical exercise and what most people eat in America also contributes to agression.
And to add to that, one man could support a family of 10 on one paycheck now people can't afford more than 2 kids. The stress of both parents working all day and not having the time or energy to give to those few kids. Strangers raise them to be noncompliant with parents removing valuable belief systems and instilling popularity syndrome and consumerism on them.
My parents fought EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and sometimes in the daytime. She screamed at him all night long! I never figured out why but I know my mother was "" mentally ill" according to my father. He rarely spoke during these fights. All 4 of us kids were sleep deprived as it went on all night long. We had to get up early in the morning for school. One night during the screaming, I knocked on their door and asked for them to stop as I had to get up early for school. My mother immediately jumped up and and ran into my room, screaming at me and tore my rollers out of hair. My big brother pulled her off of me as I cried uncontrollably. I'll never forget this event. My dad was a kind father but us kids were not protected. Its strange to think about all the trauma we had to experience. And we all ended up with our own issues...my sisters' bipolar, my big brothers alcoholism, liver transplant and death at 68 my little brothers' lung issues and death at age 43, and 3 of us with divorces. Oh, and they took us all on a 6 week camping trip out west which was a nightmare for all of us.
I’m so sorry for what happend to you . I see the same pattern with my sis and her alcoholic husband . I’m worried my nephew will end up a troubled human being. Unfortunately statistics say it’s a 90% possibility
For almost as long as I can remember, my parents have never spoken to each other in a kind tone. My mother has been emotionally disconnected from the relationship for a while but for many many years as a child, my father would come home drunk and scream and berate her. I was always in my bedroom next door, hearing it all.
I’m 18 now and I’ve never been in a relationship i worry that once I do I will not be able to have a calm discussion or argument without raising my voice, insulting, and screaming because that has been all I’ve seen. I just worry sometimes that I’ve been messed up in ways that I don’t know about yet
I‘ve had the same experience, I feel deeply for you, this was absolutely horrible. I‘m 27 now, moved out when I was 18, and now after almost 3 years of intense trauma therapy I am able to have perspective and acknowledge how horrible the time was for me. My mother & father really did mess me up in ways I today find out, they imbedded fear and shame in me on a fundamental level. I have found my partner, my boyfriend, at the age of 18 and we are still together. I acted out a lot of my trauma on him but he was patient and kind, loving. And once I explained to him that my fear of him doing xyz does have nothing to do with him personally, my body remembers it from my abusive childhood, he became more understanding and less reactive. So I have a safe space to work through my trauma. It is possible to be totally messed up and have a loving relationship. It‘s just really important that you never lose faith in YOU - be courages for YOU. They weren‘t there for you when you were little. Know you‘re grown, you be there for you. 🤍🤍🤍
@@OhBiankaMay that special bond last and be fruitful and healing for you both.
@OhBianka I am so happy for you. Thanks for sharing your experiences... this gives me hope❤🙏
Parents like this make it hard too follow the golden rule. How do kids honor respect their parents when their parents don’t give them something to respect
Yes, this is the story of my childhood, too. There was a lot of fighting between my parents, that escalated over time into physical abuse. I didn't realize that what I was witnessing was abuse, because it was verbal and emotional. I remember thinking a few times that I wished CPS would come and get me and put me in a new family. I didn't know how to make sense of what I saw.
One night, I was in the 5th grade. My parents were fighting and it was escalating. I usually tried to hide in the background and pretend that I wasn't there. I was at my wits end and didn't know how much more I could take of it. So I ran out of my bedroom and tried to break it up. "Stop! you're going to hurt each other!" "Oh please!" my mother turned to me. "What do you possibly have to complain about? We give you everything!".
This reminds me of the "conventional wisdom" that my parents and the people around them would repeat over and over: "These problems are kept and resolved in the family, do not tell."
That line was phrased in different ways, but the meaning is the same: keep the family 'secrets' hidden. "Be a good son/ daughter" becomes a euphemism for "you have to be obidient, compliant, and submissive."
I remember people taking pride in repeating those phraces. They would even pride themselves of being able to repress their real emotions and keeping the secrecy.
Every couple has disagreements. Healthy couples prevent such disagreements escalate into verbal fights. They are able to navigate through the conflict with the ‘us vs the problem’ mindset as opposed to ‘me vs you’ approach. The latter is what leads to ugly, destructive fights which further breed resentments between the two.
My dad and step-mom fighting during my childhood still affects me deeply to this day. Any sort of argument or yelling brings out my inner child that wants to hide under the blankets and cover my ears. I hope to heal from this.
Same! I can’t stand when someone raises their voice to me or near me-it scares the hell out of me. I want to scurry away and hide. I’m 57 years old! Also had to hear my Dad beating my Mom-that was horrible too.
i didn't grow up seeing fighting (though i knew my grandparents didn't much like each other). but i can still remember being very young and sitting in the car while my cousin's parents fought outside her mom's work; i don't really remember the fight but i remember that it was raining and i watched my cousin get into the car with me after a while, tears streaming down her face. she doesn't remember this but somehow i do, even though those weren't my parents! it's no surprise that fighting screws with kids' heads
I remember when my mom finally kicked my dad out of the house, he came back unannounced one day, and hysterically began taking down all of the family photos off the wall, all while yelling at me and my sister that he 'wasn't the bad guy'. That traumatized me more than I will ever be able to express. In that moment I lost all respect for him.
Interesting topic, I grew up in domestic violence and one thing I have learned later in life is how much it impacted me. Which is that I block the world out, I do not let anyone in, I am emotionally closed off.
What is weird about that, is I meet people who try so hard to break my shell.
Probably those people become attached to you because they had a closed off parent and are unconsciously trying to heal that through you... Which can be bad or good, depending on how both sides react and how aware of their trauma, and open to heal, each one is.
I didnt even think until recently how my panick attacks and anxiety mirror the same helpless feelings id have being there seeing my parents fight, being scared not know where im sleeping tonight
My daughter and her boyfriend argued and fought when my grandson was a baby. I think it caused his speech delay. He didn’t talk until his dad was out the picture.
Spot on. My brother and I were terrorised and traumatised from 3-18. He killed himself. I have only found to cope and some degree of peace in my 6 th decade. It affected my social life, work life and led to chronic depression.
God bless you for the rest of your life.
Yes I always found the whole “being in a couple and fighting is normal!” was BS. I’ve only really acted out my trauma on my partner 1 time in the beginning of our relationship and it disgusted me so much I never did it again. I take full responsibility for that and always strive for better ways of communicating
I was regularly horrified at my parents fighting and when I had the courage to let it show they shut me down and justified themselves with this exact same argument. "It's normal for couples to fight. We love each other very much. You'll see you'll have fight too when you're in a couple ". What nonsense BS. It's sickening just to remember how these infantile lies made me feel, because I had no choice but to shut my doubts down and go along with it. If I didn't I felt they would gang up on me, and lo and behold this is exactly what happened, progressively more and worse, as I became an adult and confronted them.
Fighting is normal, abuse is not.
Understand thevdifference between fighting and abuse.
@@mewe1023 Fighting in front of children makes their whole world insecure and dangerous. They feel fear and anger and pain over the possibility of losing a parent.
Doing nothing to reassure them and validate their anguish is abandonment. Parents trying to enrole their child into supporting their own behavior is misuse.
Abandonment and misuse are abuse.
Anger and frustration are normal and healthy. Fighting and acting out in front of loved ones are not.
@@allthe1 You said fighting in couples, not infront of the children.
Edit your comment according to what you said.
@@mewe1023 yeah, with and in front of loved ones. Still not normal
It's amazing to me that parents that are like this can be so ignorant as to how it's affecting their kids, not just in the moment but long lasting. I tried once to explain to my mom how it hurt me and she just scoffs and says "well it's over now" so who cares, why talk about it? For traumatized people the trauma isn't just "over" now because it's been a month or year or much longer. Really frustrating and invalidating. Thank you for talking about this Daniel.
My parents fought all throughout my childhood, I witnessed both of them cry over it, neighbors came up to me and asked if everything was alright at home because you could hear their fighting through the whole village, I constantly had to entertain and parent my younger sister, I had noone to turn to even though their fighting ate away on me, I wrote a christmas letter wishing for my parents to like each other again at age 8 (the first letter I wrote where no toys were listed and obviously my parents read those letters so that they'd know what to buy us), years years later I read my moms diary and she wrote how much she hates him and she wanted to stop having kids after their 4th child but he wouldn't listen. My sister and I are the 5th and 6th child and it is clear as daylight they didn't really want us - we weren't abused but I literally raised myself to raise my sister, if that makes sense. I took all my life towards her to distract her from our parents being at each other's throats 24/7
How do you actually heal from this because I'm 22 now and being around my parents always makes me feel depressed, it's a huge throwback to my childhood and idk how to deal with it. (they don't fight anymore because they seperated) I brought this up a couple of times and how it hurt me but they won't hear about it or say what they were fighting about is none of my business.
I don't have any relationships, friends and romantically, I don't like people. I avoid them like the plague and I hate bigger crowds, I hate noisy rooms because it makes me feel anxious. I actually freeze up and my heart starts beating like crazy...
You sharing your story here proves you're very much on the path to healing. I went deep into Daniel Mackler's channel, and not only did it help me make sense of my own situation, but also made me feel seen and understood and finally get that I was okay and my childhood was the root of my pain, my mistakes, my misery.
May I hug you? I know the feeling. ❤
Treat your parents with complete apathy when you have to and numb yourself towards your toxic family, that is what worked for me. Granted you will feel extremely alienated and lonely, but you’re better off focusing on your siblings and your own future.
Social situations are rough for me as well. So I recommend finding a good group of friends that you feel comfortable around IRL to make up for not being very social. You will adjust quickly to social cues if thats what makes you uncomfortable
As a person whos parents fought alot throughout my childhood I appreciate that. Unfortunately they were also violent. Pretty sick, unconscious people. Thanks Daniel for bringing clarity again.
This sounds so familiar. I used to think it was all my father's fault until my mother started to manipulate and abuse me. And, oh yes, the family secret. I didn't know how to get close to anyone. Seeing him knock my mom about made intimacy with men impossible.
I wish my parents had fought. The tension and the static was there, but my parents would not take responsibility for it. They blamed and accused the kids, my siter and me, for any distortion in the family, even from a young age. They expected complete loyalty and gratitude almost worship from us. When we pointed out the dissonance we were shut out, criticised, reviled.
wow, once a month seems quite nice to be honest with you. When my parents divorced they got violent with each other, cops came over multiple times, was quite messy.
Can relate. There was police few times in my home also. The horror and lack of recognition of my own trauma was overwhelming.
Im fully aware now that I’ve grown myself that I failed in many aspects of parenting my children. I was very young myself, having them at 19 & 21… and i really had no idea how much i was acting out my own childhood traumas on and in front of them. The only thing I can do now is give them space and work on my own healing, but it sucks not having the closeness and happiness we used to have knowing I’m the one who destroyed it. I feel like I gave everything I could for them but I still screwed up and I now I can only hope they don’t have lifelong problems because of me.
At least you're honest with yourself about it and you've taken responsibility. That's more than most parents ever do. Give them time, and let them know that the door is always open.
A few years ago I listened to my parents fight..I was lying in my old room. I stayed out of it..yet I lay there listening to them fight and I reached out to my brother - of course he wasn't there for me..why would he be. Then what was to be my friend..not there either.
I just lay there crying quietly. The way they aggressively shot back at one another..it reminded me too much of the horrid ways my exes would have a go at me. It was toxic and unhealthy. Yet I knew if I stepped in, I would get yelled at so I did the best I could to get through it. 36 years old and hearing it..the same nasty ways..made me ill and shake.
Thank you Daniel , your channel is very helpful in sorting out who we are . It's the hug we deserved when we were kids ❤
I’ve noticed there are two types of people in the world. People who project their unhappiness onto others, and those who don’t. These days I do my best to not hang around with those who project onto others for as short a time as possible. #peace 🙏🏻
to think this is what i've tried to look for on your channel a few minutes ago
😮
I internalized a lot of frozen anxiety from witnessing my parents screaming matches, my dad's yelling especially
Yes, my mom was the dominant one over my dad. She was 8 years older than him. I hated having a mom be so much older than my dad, and it created a really creepy dynamic that I never felt ok with. At one point, their relationship seemed to me more like that of a mother/son rather than a husband and wife.
My parents fought for 7 years and I'm 13 years old now and nothing really changes. It broke my heart and they never even stopped 😓😥😢
My son is stuck between me and his dad fighting…his dad use him to try to hurt me all the time…he is 11 and I hate it for him but his dad won’t stop… I pray god step in and heal this situation…
My parents fought weekly when i was 2-5 & divorced. It was my mother not my father who's voice i heard in bed. I remember the plate of spaghetti she threw between my father and i at the dinner table. It hit the wall. Of all the childhood trauma it was the sound of people arguing that made the hairs on the back my neck stand up. By 19 i wouldn't freeze up anymore (yes silent terror)
. But i was probably 25 before i no longer had goosebumps whenever i heard raised voices of any sort. It was just like nails on s chalkboard for me. Thank you for your post 👍🏽
parents used to fight and i never stepped in to stop it or anything- tiny child that i was. years later i expressed wanting to pursue a degree in conflict resolution and my aunt said "how are you going to solve conflict for others when you couldnt even stand up and solve xyz conflict at your home" it made me all sorts of sad and mad lol. ive grown balancing the feelings of both of my parents to the point that i dont even know the truth of what i personally feel. ive learned to not give a shit and accept the complexity of the feelings that accompany growing up like these but im tired of having to constantly unpack it all. i just hope ill be conscious enough to not engage in behaviour like this when my time comes or what have you.
She’s lame asf for that wow. Cuss her out
Your aunt is part of the problem and should be ashamed of herself. Don’t listen to people who are clearly just trying to keep you down, nobody needs to know what your plans are anyway. If you want to pursue conflict resolution then do it, there’s a good chance you’ll be excellent at it if you do the work. God bless you.
0:45 ~ ngl, the idea of taking a picture of your SO's angry face seems pretty funny to me now as an adult...
anyway, witnessed my father belittle my mother at least once a day growing up, and tho she might have asked for it, it's just a petty, what are you parents teaching your kids?
Children deserve a loving nurturing environment ❤
Thank you for making this ❤, i have suffered from this since a long time but it seems like everyone dissmeses it like it doesn't have any effect when if fact i felt in danger even when i got to the age of 15 years old i was afraid and in a state of shock.
Wow. I think I need to see someone. This is everything I’ve gone through.
Thank you Daniel. This video is very helpful for me on my journey as I am healing from my broken mother and father.
I think a lot of your audience has similar experiences as you in our childhoods. This is why what you talk about is so poignant and even relieving to hear of. It makes me feel not alone. It gives me a guide/lens with which to view my exact experience and maybe even some inspiration on how I can act despite it.
Before unsustainable population growth, humans lived in small bands. When parents argued, extended family or even other band members would step in to care for the child. That is what you missed, Daniel, the validation and safety of healthy community members. In order to create such communities humanity requires equity.
Matrifocal communities dont recognize Social fatherhood.
Children raised on mothers side only like mothers Mother or mothers Male and Female siblings and so on.
Have been saying this for years, that the family-unit puts you at the mercy of 2 individuals,
unlike our group living ancestors, where the kid could 'punish' an adult by taking refuge in other adults.
You could use multiple adults to explore different fractions of your personality.
"humanity requires equity"? This woke nonsense is just that, nonsense. You can't guarantee or create an equal outcome for siblings with the same lot in life, what makes you think you can create equal outcomes for vastly different people?
If everybody followed Jesus' example, there would be peace. Even those who do it best still make mistakes, but what brings such disharmony in society are those who blatantly disregard it.
My childhood was similar, even worse at times, to the point of bloodshed. Of the five young children that had to live through it, the long term effects have been different for each of us. What I personally learned from these experiences was 'How Not to be a Parent', though other siblings of mine completely deny that these incidents ever occurred. It's interesting how we cope with trauma in our own way.🤔
The moment I knew I was in danger as a child was when I was 6 years old, lying in bed and suddenly hearing the sound of my father screaming in pain, begging my mother to stop hitting him. I remember how traumatized I was hearing this violence, which became a regular feature of home life.
Fighting is the eruption of all the buried historic emotions, kind of similar to the radiator releasing some of the pressure that you described on your video about panic attacks. For the children it must be like witnessing a war in their own house (their nest of safety... ). But... not fighting is not always a sign of evolution. Sometimes it may be a sign of the highest degree of suppression/dissociation/denial and that example may be equally hurtful for the child. A model for self destruction. Resolving our differences in a respectful way for ourselves and for the other can only happen when we have healed most of our issues so we do not project everything to the other person. But how many people have done that and if they start this process at some point, what are the chances the other person will also do the same for themselves?
Nice to meet you, Daniel. It was Licensed Evil Death Story that parental fighting and kids circus could be endless. Love and support have saved lives, thank you❤😊 Stay tuned 🍀🙏🏽
Thank you for the message. New subscriber 😊 I’m 55 & went final no contact a year ago. My parents fought all the time when I was a kid/teen. I’d go hide in my bedroom closet & cry. My father was an alcoholic back then & I figured that was the biggest issue. But as I got older & started developing, my mother really started treating me like sh!t. I know now that she’s a narcissist. I always blamed my father for those fights but maybe she had more to with them than I realized back then. I don’t miss the family toxicity at all! Nmother enlisted a flying monkey yesterday to get at my adult son…to get a message to me…as I have changed my phone number, blocked & deleted, & moved. Standing strong here! 💪🛡️
i've never heard anyone talk about this... it really traumatized me
He won’t sit down and talk about this. He wont take accountability, everything is pointed back to me. He doesn’t care about calling me names and screaming in my face in front of our 2 year old
Thank you!
Even to this day, sometimes in my sleep I randomly wake up to see my parents if they are fighting even though the whole house is quiet. The yelling keeps on replaying in my mind.
I remember the fights distinctly and a lot of it I had forgotten out of instinct, pushing them down. One thing I will never forget is when the fighting got so bad that I had to mentally prepare myself to kill my father, finger on the trigger, in order to defend my mother from being harmed.
My parents screamed at each other as if they really hated each other probably 4-5/week.
What inpact could that events have on me today?
Much love to everyone here. It felt like dad was gonna snap at any moment and beat my mom or worse...once my younger brother got old enough to start remembering things, my parents toned it waaaay down on each other and focused that rage on me.
Thank you for this video. I grow up with my parents that have emotional problems. they’re started fighting since i was a kid. Now I’m 35 years Still fighting every single day! We’re all fighting… but i separated with thrm since i was 19 and come back,
every times I come back home we’re always fighting, before I felt more suffering from this… I wanted to die because of environment made me feel stressed. I have problems about to have relationships with people
I have no close friends i felt so alone sometimes. This video makes me understandingly more about trauma i have and my parents 🙏
I think I've seen 15 of your videos. in total over the past year. You strike me as a very honest person that has come a long way. Not just that but you share alot of value with everyone here.
And even though we'll never meet, and you will probably never see this.
I am proud of you.
-
I don't know how rare that decision is Daniel.
I made the same one, at 15 or so. No romantic relationship when I'm this messed up by what has happened.
Had chances at 15, 18, 21. Clearly girls were interrested. I couldn't.
I did not want to hurt anyone.
At 34 now I'm finally able to process and either start healing or continue to. And I expect to be ready for a healthy relationship somewhere in the coming years.
I’m convinced that trauma is normal at this point 😢
It helps to remember that we are all babes and don’t know.
I send you love…
Appreciation ….
You have helped me so much and my daughters…
$ on its way😊
🦋🕊🌹
Thank you for posting consistently on what matters ❤
True. My wife and I of 10 years have four kids and rarely argue about things.
My parents used to fight so often as a kid thats like half of my childhood memories
Daniel you’re awesome dude
I used to lay in bed as a small child and listen to my evil stepfather bounce my mom off the walls. I remember it so vividly.
I gave myself the role of getting in between them just in case the yelling turned into something physical
My parents fight a lot. And the main thing I hate (scared?) about it is the fact I have siblings. I’m the oldest and I’m scared for how these fight will my younger siblings. My youngest brother was born this year (2024) in January, not even a year old and my parents fight a lot. I’m scared on how it will affect him. I’m scared on how it will affect my younger brother, who’s currently 7. My younger sister shares a room with me so we are closer so she talks about how she feels about the fights openly, yet my (7 yr old) brother has his own room, so by the time I see him again it’s the next morning (the fights are mainly at night) and we never talk about how he feels. I’m scared for him and I’m scared for my youngest baby brother too. Of course my parents (mom only, from what ik of) has us talk about it privately bc she knows it’s bad to keep your feelings bottled up or it will explode, but she also wants all of us to be her “therapist”. She always talks bad about my father (I never hear my father talk badly about her…but he does say things like do this before your mom gets home if that counts), and we always have to listen. I hate having to listen to that, and ik my siblings feel no different.
I recently removed myself from dating because I want to work on my relationship with myself, so this video really resonates.
I can relate to this... unfortunately....
Thanks for another extremely helpful video Daniel! Much love to you
I totally agree! THX ❤
My automatic stress response became fawning instead of fight or flight because I was literally unable to do either
I tried to help my sister to come out of the abusive relationship of 18 years where there is violence including broken nose , and finger bone for the sake of her son and I told her it’s not a good way to bring up the kid . No matter how hard I tried to explain , she always went back to her abusive husband . After all not all women want an escape they want to be a part of that relationship . That I don’t understand why , your videos does help me to put lot of things in perspective. Thank you for that .
It reminds me of the book "women who love too much," by Robin norwood. Some people some women think they don't deserve any better. Deep down inside
Thank you for sharing.
Arguing is fine, and that's what some people mean when they say every couple fights. The big time fighters take it wrong.
But why do people think it's ok just because everyone else does anyway? Look at how screwed up humanity is.
Thank you🙏
I can remember one really nasty fight (alcohol was involved with the guy) and it has left a mark to this day.
It s very traumatizing and causes learned helplessness because wen there’s violence and nothing you can do you carry that with you into adulthood
I wet the bed for years because I was always so afraid and even when I was 22. I did while alone with my abuser dad
Thank you for your videos
I had an abusive parent who would abuse their spouse and of course took the trophy photo. Imagine how horrible a human you have to be to abuse someone and be so proud of it you actually pull out a camera to take a picture of how unhappy you made them. Pure evil
I was traumatized by the fighting in my house. I can't imagine terrorizing a child the way my family did to me.
It taught me that relationships were about control, power, manipulation and pain. It also taught me that talking about these things are a betrayal. Ugh
These videos are validating and often enlightening.
My parents would fight and scream everynight. I was always ready in case I needed to intervene.
One night, my father smashed a chair, throwing it to the floor, just 1cm away from my mother.
I just got there and freezed. That was the first time I freezed. I remember that I couldn't move a muscle.
How do you avoid getting into a fight when your wife start screaming at you in front of the children?
I’m so sorry, that must have been awful
why do I feel like I don't want to read my journals???
I only had one parent so I don't know what that is like. But it sounds awful
In India many states have raging alcohol problems, many husbands are drunkards who physically abuse the mother right in front of their children plus verbally attack children . Poor kids go thru a lot of trauma
How about one about a parent who traumatize their kid and then using the behaviors of PTSD to have another reason to punish them.
I think everybody knows, or at least, feels, their own load, but connecting to oneself while connecting to another (romantically) are not mutually exclusive acts, at all. On the contrary.. I see them as complementary, as indeed romantic connections are not formed, and more importantly, cultivated and grown, and healed or repaired in a vacuum. I think once you can assess an optimal, not perfect, state of being and said core fragility has become more (and more) stable, the person can, and in my opinion should forge a new relationship, in the firm knowledge that the successful outcome of such a connection is based on the parties' matching levels of self awareness and willingness to continue on their personal healing journey. ❤🙏
Mr. Mackler, please read the work of peter levine, waking the tiger and in an unspoken voice specifically. Awesome books i think you'll love. Thank you for your videos
Thank you Daniel being genuine and sincere! My best friend is a Phd in Psychology, highly a accomplished. I always tell him that what psychology lacks is looking at the macro. Look at Karl Marx philosophy on alienation that is caused by capitalism to look at the big picture.
Own nothing and be happy? Nope.