You've reminded that person that they were terrible parents--and they knew they were--and they don't like that feeling. So they attack the source of that feeling: you.
Also, they didn't have to "work hard" you know. It's a certain type of bedroom activity that leads to pregnancy. They can stop pretending like they were doing it "for the children". Sure. Selfish f#cks
@@squarecicle3577 lol the argument is not that they asked to be born. The argument is that *they* made a decision to reproduce. You have to be willfully ignorant to use that deflection as a defense. P
I always get outraged when somebody flaunts the most flawed argument in history " yeah but your parents gave you life and without them, you wouldn't have existed" in my face. Listen people: I didn't ask to be born okay. In fact, my parents and many other parents had me just to satisfy their parenthood and reproductive instincts to procreate a version of them. So basically there is nothing special here that I should be grateful for. In fact, thanks to our parents, we have physical, psychological, racial, ethnic and cultural features that we have to bear and live with for the rest of our lives whether we like it or not and of course we didn't choose any of that. Also, almost all parents treat their children like a retirement plan and just have kids to take care of them when they're old. So are kids mere senior homes for their parents? Is that the purpose of birthing them?
There are no parenthood and reproductive instincts in people though. People have no instincts in a sense of uncontrolable urge to do something e.g. have children.
This idea has always bothered me. I've heard it stretched so much to the point people say we owe that to our GRANDPARENTS lol. I had someone tell me I should love my grandmother because I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her. She literally couldn't care less about birthing her own children let alone caring about the product of them multiplying. This is absolutely insane and ridiculous.
I recently figured out why I was so suicidal when I was a kid, I'd rather die than living with my parents! If I had a choice before I came to this world to their family, I'd rather not coming.
I wish more people recognise that they want children for themselves not the child. It's impossible to want to be a parent for the sake of the child, because they don't exist yet, only a version of the child us there, made from your own psyche with all it's wonderful parts and hurt parts too. Wanting to have children it's by definition a self-centred act, if it's good or bad is up for debate but I wish more people will at least acknowledge that fundamental truth of the matter beforehand, being honest and mindful of it is the only way we can fully judge, understand and decide parenthood or not.
"Tag, you're it!" Yes, exactly. When I was a teenager, I decided not to have children. I didn't want to do to my children what my parents had done to me. I'm in my mid-fifties now, and have no regrets about my decision. The most parenting I feel willing/able to do is to give random loving support to kids I come across.
Kate I am 41 and reached the same conclusions. My mother has paranoid schizophrenia and her mother had narcissistic pd. My father's father had Sociopathy. So the idea of having kids and grandkids that hurt themselves and others I am not ok with. I will never have kids. Kate sometimes youtube alerts me when someone replies. If so i'll try to have a conversation with you. I recently adopted two daughters after playing video games with them online. They are in late teens. One girl never had a father. The other's father is in prison and she was a victim of s assault by three different predators. These teens are carrying pain like you and I. I have done 7 years of therapy and continue to especially self work like journaling or service work. One child lives in Canada the other in Mexico. I have only had the kids in my life a few months so I don't want to misrepresent the situation. I got very lucky. The kids are shy introverts that deal with anxiety and being social pariahs in school. This was my childhood all the way through college. I've been able to have so many conversations to relieve their suffering through using my personal experiences and the positive coping mechanisms i've developed. Unfortunately I don't talk about this situation because people default to thinking i'm a perv. In fact there are so many men that are not trustworthy i'm only typing this for you because I presume you are female. I grew up on atari and nintendo. So I hit a low point in life (unemployed) and was playing a lot of video games. I believe in a God of Pure Love that combines multiple religions and spiritual concepts. The one girl asked to start calling me her dad. The other wanted me to be her dad but did not have the self esteem / self confidence to ask so I had to ask her. We message continuously throughout the day. The majority of my texts follow this theme: You are worthy of Love. You don't have to do anything to receive this love - just being you is more than enough. You are more capable and powerful than you will ever know. I believe in you and I believe in your dreams. I want you to know that whatever you believe spiritually that you are loved by the divine celestial power of the universe, that you are connected to every living thing every plant every animal even the earth and sky, the sun moon and stars. But more than anything I want you to know you are worthy. You have always been worthy and always will be. You make the world a better place.. that sounds cliche but it's not. I know it in my heart because you have made a massive impact on my happiness. I love you very much. Kate I want you to know I feel this way about you as well. I love you and wish the best things for you.
Ugh. Unfortunately a common view. I’m a parent myself, and I went no contact with my own parents, but dammit I’m over here doing my very best to make sure I’m the type of person my kid wants to be around. When I make mistakes I apologise, explain what happened and that it wasn’t his fault, and then I try and do better. I’ve worked hard but, objectively? I could have done with another few years of healing before I started. Most of us could.
"If we remember that there are many people who understand nothing at all about themselves, we shall be less surprised at the realization that there are also people who are utterly unaware of their actual conflicts." - Carl Jung
When parents decide to tell their children that the things they do for them are a burden and the children are expected to be grateful... Dunno how they expect that to lead to gratitude rather than resentment. And why those children would ever want to be parents knowing that their kids will just be burdens to them too.
Jokes on them... they only had us or kept us to take care of them in old age. There is no contract stating we have to. That's what their retirement money is for. If my family doesn't care enough to sit in therapy for me, I'll worry about caring for the people that deserve my love.
@@glendaanderson4969 there’s actually certain states where it’s legal for a child to have to take care for their parent. It was posted on Reddit in the either narcissisticparents or abusive parents group. I know crazy, but I googled and researched and it’s real. Make sure your state doesn’t have it. I’m in Florida and know it’s not here. I just searched it. It’s called filial responsibility.
I agree, most people who become parents should of done healing beforehand and learnt some parenting skills. It's easy to see with how their kids are, where the parent needs to heal, I've often observed children reflect back a deep character flaw or pain of their parent (unsurprisingly, unless healed, this reflection usually evokes anything from annoyance to rage from the parent)
There are a lot of ppl who dont deserve the joy of children, sadly. Then there are the ones who would be amazing parents but they are unable to either have their own or adopt.
Or good people who aren't seen as attractive by the opposite sex. Warm caring women who aren't 'hot' or shy nerdy guys who women find unappealing, but make good fathers. Being able to deal with the world might require some dark sides that aren't well suited for parenting, this is especially relevant for guys and what women find attractive.
Parents are smart enough to rationalize their own abuses; not smart enough to recognize/fix them. With decades of experience, they're seasoned veterans at it. Unfortunately, the irrational defense of bad parenting rests with the kids as well, but in a different way. The biological symbiotic relationship kids have to their parents prevent them from ever having the ability to understand that their parents could or ever would abuse them. So the only way to comprehend what's happening is to enable their 'caregivers' by blaming themselves.
So true. 👏 The notion of “giving the gift of life” is cliche foolishness. A non existent future child can’t be given gifts, because they aren’t there to receive it. And no one ever mentions the second half of the gift, which is suffering and death! The child IS the gift, from Life Itself. But emotionally immature and philosophically uneducated parents get that backwards, arrogate the credit, and then reject the blame. It’s nuts.
I just cannot believe the way breeders congratulate themselves for making a baby. One 3-minute thrashabout is all it takes. No intelligence or decency required.
My sister likes to say "I've made sacrifices for my family." She's stayed at home for 20 year and didn't really work before that. At 77, my mother complains that she's been alone for 2 years since her husbands death (went from her father to her husband). The entitlement and self satisfaction at having acted out social roles (and that's it) is mind blowing.
I just laugh when ppl say that, the thing is they don't realize that creating a being to have a miserable life is not a gift and before having life the child didn't exist, so it is a fallacy to say I gave the gift of life to a non existent thing.
It really bothers me when parents “jokingly” warn my partner and I to wait to have kids. They don’t give us advice about taking time to mentally and emotionally grow. The message is always that children will degrade our quality of life. They complain about never having time, being tired, dealing with their kids’ problems. One man complained about his kids, then said “But they’re an investment.” I feel sad for these children. My parents would make jokes like that. About how expensive we were, about how they only had us to make us into people they’d want to be friends with. They’d constantly drill into our heads that they would live with us in their old age. We were objects they created for their own uses. During the global turmoil of the past couple years, I seriously questioned the ethics of child-bearing. I do hope to have children, but only after A LOT more healing and growth. I am ending multiple generational trauma cycles. My partner needs healing and growth too. In some ways theirs is more difficult to uncover because they come from a much healthier family than mine, but everyone has trauma, and they are no exception. Thank you for making me a better potential parent!
"Tag, you're it!" Spot on with the playful metaphor because many parents are still children due to their own unresolved childhood trauma! It's really pathetic and weak to project their feelings like this considering many of them also repeatedly claim and exaggerate "we are grown/adults" (my parents among those). MANY people chose not to deal with themselves and their traumas (or really anything considered "difficult" in this life) because "it might take time" (I have heard this argument many times). So... if they have no time for "difficult things in life"... what made them come up with the genius idea of having children!? (and of course they cannot answer this in a logical way and therefore responds with personal attacks... like children) Thanks, Daniel. You are one of FEW that openly challenge an area of our culture which is "oh so forbidden to challenge"!
Today I started "war" with my father and started to confront him and going no contact. It was a tought desition, but I feel that without this he will still stirr my life up. I said that we can go together on therapy if he wants to have contact with me. But I doubt he would have the courage to ;). Content very up to date. Parents gave children the body, but children give parents also a lot. People should have children for the world and not for themselves. My grandma always said so, but obviously her son didnt't listen.
When I was 15, my mom got off the phone after arguing with her mom and said frustratingly, "I feel like shes the kid and I'M the mom!" And I remember thinking, *weird thats exactly how I feel about you* , but I didnt say it outloud. I do want a child sometimes, but I am also filled with terror and dread at creating a person and they may feel about me the way I feel about my parents. That is to say, I dont want to create a person who feels suicidal and like they arent wanted only when theyre around me. I couldn't live with myself if I raised my child to be suicidal because of how little I cared about them and ignored their feelings. I couldn't live with myself to create someone and yet know them the least out of anyone theyll ever meet. 😔 As Ive been healing the past 3 years from CPTSD, Ive occasionally talked with my mom about her own childhood. She said just the other week that she shouldve gone to therapy before she had me, so that I wouldn't be dealing with all this trauma on my own as Im the only one in the family trying to actively heal and live my life from a healthy space. I guess its nice that she finally recognizes how bad our family's intergenerational trauma after watching me go through a year of a mental breakdown and recovering by facing my traumas and being the truth teller in the family not giving a shit if I make waves anymore (especially waves that have been trying to flow for decades and before I was born!), but the damage is done now anyway. My mom is too immature and dangerous for me to ever trust or feel emotionally or physically safe with, she still doesnt make safe choices, still ignores important things and blames others for her mistakes, and Ive still got to walk this path alone...as usual. Therapist Stacy Hoch did a video explaining her take on the "mother wound", if your mother doesnt heal her trauma and gives birth to you..you literally are your mother's wound. She will treat you as such, which explains why my mom neglected me and ignored me, while being enmeshed and immature towards me. She didnt handle her own childhood trauma and shes very dissociated and in her own world without being actually psychotic. She never saw me as a real, separate human. Shes never respected my feelings or fears. Shes made so many confusing choices as a mother that even when I told her recently, she accepts what Im saying but admits she doesnt recognize herself in my memories. She acknowledges she was "sick and depressed" but she doesnt really recognize still the gravity of the damage shes done and her toxic positivity drives me nuts. Ive had to explain to her why its actually unempathetic and cruel. She still doesnt recognize me as a totally separate person for the most part. Shes too dissociated and enmeshed. Its devastating and was even more so when I was a child. I also recently told my mom, "I used to pray to be adopted. I wanted to be taken away from you." And she said she could relate because thats how she felt about her mom! And I was so angry at her..."so you know what this feels like, and you did it to me anyway?! Why didnt you ever check in with my feelings to make sure I never felt alone and unloved by you?" She said, she didnt know. She doesnt have an answer for me other than she realizes now she had some blind spots in her mind and couldnt see or hear me my whole life. Idk what kind if answer would be satisfactory but "idk I dont have an answer for my behavior as a mother and ignoring you your whole life" isnt great. But idc anymore..my healing isnt dependent on her at all. It just wouldve been nice if she had a reason that made sense..like admitting she never wanted to be a mom or something. That would make more sense to me and I could understand that. And especially with the way the world is now, I could justify adoption but I could never justify creating a brand new child to myself.
It's only when the wrong is done that unfortunately a parent can see their mistskes. But some parents will never admit that because they are so screwed up that they can not even become aware of that. Intergenerational abuse is hidden so well and the child often takes the blame for their parent's problems. Some parents will never understand and eill never change. They will only go on hurting their children, putting all the blame for their own deeds on them. Children are the real victims of dysfunctional families. Helpless, hurt and made believe that the abuser is perfect and just.
Ugh.... same same. My dad sexually abused my older sister from 6-12yrs old. My mom is so emotionally unavailable she can't admit my father is in the wrong, let alone having everyone gather for therapy or how her own emotional neglect affected me and my lil sister growing up.. I became the scape goat so they're not worth struggling to connect with. I cut them out my life, as hard as it was, it was worth it.. It still hurts when I hear stories about real families that had it better but there isn't a single person who can help me feel better about it all but myself. As Richard Grannon says... "you have to literally bend life to your fucking will". When it hurts... say it out loud or write it down, but make yourself work through it in that moment so you can move past it... for at least in that moment. This is emotional literacy. If a parent cut off your arm they would have to deal with it...It's so irresponsible for is them to assume they haven't created real lasting damage. I was just 6 days late for my period. I prayed that no souls would come in and try and make a home because I wouldn't dare bring a child into this world. So thankful I started yesterday🥳 Was actually stressed out because I had to cut out my husband's family. I was sexually harassed last summer by his uncle. Politely asked his grandma/mom not to invite me to events including him. They invited us for pictures. He came and afterwards attempted to apologize for whatever he thinks he said which he couldn't recall... just regurgitating that he was in the wrong. I asked him to please not speak to me ever again and he turned into such a man child he tried to fight my husband for standing up for me... smh. All the family there. Not one person asked if we were OK. His grandmother called next day to say I was running my mouth... protecting the uncle. Turns out I was the scape goat in this family too. But I assure you, grass is greener on the other side. I'm getting so good as cutting out unhealthy family that they're funny if they think I will put up with that. It hurts, but imagine a direction in life where you're not constantly confused and hurt. Go in that direction. Thank you for sharing your story❤
I personally would rather not exist. What is it about just existing? As if it's so fun with developmental childhood trauma. I've never felt such a joy out of pure existence. Some /a lot of people do. I remember wondering how a lot of/some other children/then teens/then young people/then adults can get so much joy out of pure existence, even enough to be curious about the world around them and or the joy of communicating with people enough to seek that communication. I was just sitting in the corner literally all the time, every stimuli felt like it was too dangerous for me, I was scared of everything even basic stuff. I was afraid to be criticized because I constantly would be criticized or ridiculed and I wouldn't know how to fix myself not to be criticized for all the little things I do wrong, not like other people. That stunted my development as a person, the basic development, not even talking about emotional one. As for people, I almost always had negative experience or lack of communication whatsoever. I felt like an alien while comparing myself to people around me.
"the gift of life" is for starters a religious idea. Nobody "chooses" to live, you just do and people who are RESPONSIBLE for your existence have a DUTY. that is what responsibility means
Yeah Daniel, I've thought many times about those two or three mothers that killed very young children back in the late 90s and early 2000s and how I thought that was so horrible what they did which it was but I feel that what my mother and relatives have done to me is much worse than what those mothers did at least they put their children out of their misery fairly quickly rather than torturing them needlessly year after year after year. Daniel I almost feel my mother and relatives are demon possessed and that it's actually a curse that goes through them directed at me no s***. God bless anyone affected by families like these evil people.
I went through all the comments and it was a joy to read! Thank you to those who contributed such thought provoking and poignant words! You have all helped me with feelings about how society lets parents off the hook, that came in a timely manner!
Like Daniel said, a lot of parents think their kids owe them. It seems to me that, since the parents are subjecting the kids to a lot of risk, by forcing them into a brutal world and a life that can go downhill without warning, that the parents are the ones who owe the kids.
I brought this up in a conversation with my mother while we were eating at a restaurant .. she flipped out ... told me to move away and don't come back. I was shocked , and it was a sad feeling I got ,,, she didn't want anything to do with me after that .... I was looking for a rational conversation about it ,,, she wasn't having it !!! probably too painful to think back about how she behaved ...
It all comes from "We gave you life, we sacrifice so much of our time for you and did so much for you, and YOU have the right to criticize US?!" One time in our family gathering (with grandma also) my words and presence were as always undermined and my wrongdoings criticized and I said to them "Yeah, me an my sister, we are always wrong and in fault, but isn't your innocence a bit too impressive!? They didn't have an answer... they looked around searching for the clues and all of the sudden they all were unconsciously looking at my religious grandmother. My father also knows how much unforgivable damage he did to me, offered no restitution or mentioning any of it, that he don't even contact me anymore. His alcoholic father did to him so much damage than he ever did to me, so he is good one. But he didn't even explained why he is the way he is, he hid his past from us, and his unresolved inner conflicts just replicated and acted out in our family.
Sounds like she was blame shifting, self-deception, and a mixture of denial. I realize that our society is so obsessed with materialistic acquisition of status that people consider their children like dolls, toys, or babies. Not as humans with individual rights, personalities, and interests. These parents aren't being held accountable b/c they feel entitled to their "property" (My child, my car, my money). As if slavery back in the day they were barely even considering humans but assets for gaining status. I realize in my family system it was about respect. The parents wanted social status bc of the respect they gained. The parents did not give respect freely. It was conditional and required jumping through hoops to gain approval. Never good enough. They used fear to create artificial respect and control. Respecting the authority they held over. Disrespect would be met with corpal punishment and coercion. It took me 28 years to understand that my parents did not respect me. Even today I am met with attitudes of contempt which is a clear indication of lack of regard. Been over a year since I have talked to them. Trying to regain my sense of self-respect and love.
Sounds like the fraternity of parents are defending their unconscious & unresolved reasons for having children in the first place. Many people use their children to act out their problems in public, which includes egotististical screaming, ive seen it done & encouraged, then an almighty fight ensues should anyone point this out to them or complain.
There are so many reasons why people have children: Religious population growth and/or an anti-birth control stance, sloppy sex, status, wanting someone to take care of them in old age, ad nauseam. Sadly, I believe that bringing life into the world because the couple know themselves and want to bestow love onto an innocent being is in the minority.
My parents "we raised you" Me "so could an orphanage" "We did the best we could"....the WORST excuse ever. My parents failed at everything...school. business, empathy, basic social mores.....and these breeders are the same people who insist on making Xerox copies of themselves. When your parents suck? Youre part of a covert contract you never signed up for. "I was a free spirit, but you both had to F and bring me into this world so I could work in a donut shop the rest of my life. Thanks for nothing!" Sam Kinison....greatest bit ever
I got recommended this video just now, maybe late but one input that comes to mind is how these kinds of rationalizations are often used for tyrants even. In my country Mussolini, a past dictator was praised for all the good infostructures he build, and other useful stuff as a way to justify how terrible he was (he was Hitler's ally!)
These types of parents are full of self-resentment, entitlement, projection issues, enlarged ego/narcissism and low self-esteem. You can have all of those issues, sure, but your kids shouldn’t suffer at your hands because you couldn’t control yourself 💯
I love your videos on this topic. I’m curious if you ever make videos that focus on the larger systems (economic, social) within which all of these ill-equipped parents are created. I agree that many/most of us are too traumatized to have kids, and in my opinion this is but one part of the equation. Again, I really appreciate your clarity, courage, and sincerity on this taboo topic.
I wouldn't really say that parents create (bring into existence) their children. They are the vessel through which the creation happens, like paint is the vessel of creation for the artist
Yes! We are children of this universe and the source that everything comes from... we owe it to this to make our life experiences rich and sacred. Not guilt tripped by someone traumatized into confusion and hurt.
I can't feel true connection to anyone. I hate myself and humanity. Why the f... did they make me for? I wish I was never born. Constantly have to think my feelings so I feel somewhat human. Yet it always collapses because underneath there is nothing. That pain is so excruciating when my lie is exposed. A pointless life. Where is the core? Do I make a new one? How? I can't climb with thoughts anymore. It's exhausting and I always fall due to believing the negative ones. 1 year tops and I'm done. Thanks mom and dad. I haven't spoken to them in years. And when i had a brief moment of emotion and I called them being vulnerable and open expressing my deepest rare outpour of feelings they called me crazy, and accused me of being on drugs. So what is the point of even trying? Realness is a threat to people. When that shift inside happens seeing the outside is a horrifying sight. My only option was to retreat back. Dissociate. Shut it down. Either I want to commit suicide or vent my rage on others. Yet once in a while my heart softens and empathy and connection occurs. Lasts very briefly until the negative chatter shuts it down. The higher I go the more painful it is when it drops. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being unable to love myself. Tired of the inner shadows. Tired of life. I wish I was not here.
I hope that you are still here 💜 you may not understand how valuable you are, but you just gave me words for how I feel, here in 2024! I hope that you have been working on yourself, I wish pure joy in your life, I hope so many good things happen to you, that the bad things are minuscule! Sending love and care to you ✨🙏🏽💜
The way I see it, my parents were body lenders. God gave me life :) Also, it's so funny when parents say "you have to have children of your own to criticize parenting". Really? Must every heart surgeon get a surgery on their own heart to operate on others?
When you shared about the woman asking, "Are you telling me my children should not exist?" I became very confused. My stepfather similarly changed the direction of a conversation I had initiated by connecting ideas together that made no sense. His crazy making behavior prevented me from responding logically. Because I had time to reflect on this woman's comment, I was able to "see" what she was doing ("slight of hand" subtly steer your attention away from her behavior by introducing a "controvercial" attitude. How I would have loved to be quick minded enough to say, I AM NOT talking about your children's right to exist. YOU ARE. Why exactly, did you go there?
@@dmackler58 Thanks for responding. I have been devouring your videos for a month now and my emotional healing has gone through the roof (I am 62). Thank you for all you do, Daniel!
its so hard to realize and then even harder to accept this but the parents have no free will either. you could keep telling them theyre bad and blah blah blah and it will amount to absolutely nothing. your best bet is running away from them. through education. its hard as hell
Without the parents, the kids wouldn't even exist. (Parents own the kids, therefore, the kids owe the parents!) That's the most pathetic philosophy I've ever heard!
Or: They would say/think, "I did some bad things to my child, but so do all parents. All parents screw up their children. It is in the nature of being a parent." The idea of comradery in this way goes a long way. Evident in our culture overall.
People are so stupid...I full heartedly agree with all of what you said. I think they should have to get a certification before the people are allowed to procreate personally, just a free online course that everyone has access to that tells you What is a good parenting and what is not as a public service announcement or something like that
The problem is that awareness is not enough. There also needs to be willingness, to be a decent parent. All the classes in the world will not eliminate the entitlement, or the sadistic streak that some patents unfortunately possess.
Great video Daniel! Totally agree. Lots of truth told here on this channel. Can you do a video about when people comment ''blood is thicker than water".
“If children were brought into the world by an act of pure reason alone, would the human race continue to exist? Would not a man rather have so much sympathy with the coming generation as to spare it the burden of existence, or at any rate not take it upon himself to impose that burden upon it in cold blood?” - I agree with Schopenhauer even more so now as I have a child.
Until we direct 'blame' ( this word has a bad reputation which obscures the best use of it) at the perpetrators, we cannot heal. Trauma is a survival brain conditioner. The survival brain does not listen to platitudes! Ever. It requires us to use a language it understands. That language is raw embodied emotion. It is as simple as that.
This is so necessary for society at large to know for otherwise they will keep justifying abuse or mistreatment in the name of parenthood. The world doesnt change because of mercy, if someone knows they have mercy of society for being parents they will make themselves comfortable in that lazyness because is freely granted and more and more kids will suffer. I wish I could have respected my toxic parents ...
This is very complicated controversial topic, but I want to go ahead and be honest about this: I have had two abortions with two different women, and the basis for our decision was that the child was not going to be loved the way it deserved and that we were not capable of being the parents very child deserves. To this day, the hardest decision I have ever made and I’ve had to make it twice. I feel like the partners I was with took it much easier than I did- the first one led me to a heroin addiction and decision to be homeless and I ended up hitchhiking to the Pacific Northwest to try to find myself and grieve the loss and get as far away as I could from the constant pain I felt from the decision. I’ve had several conversations with people about this- I would say half of them wound up with people calling me a baby killer and telling me I was going to hell. The half that “got me” were men in recovery who went through the same experience and who felt similarly- we were able to make very morose jokes about it however, insulting some people, but for us, we felt like we’d earned the right to finally feel anything but trauma about it. To this day- I know it was the right decision, not the easiest and certainly there should have been better decisions in avoiding the situation and creating the consequences, but I know that child would have been raised in a home with unstable, unready people (or single person, more to the point) and would always wonder why their parents didn’t love them enough to make it work for them. I often wish I had been an abortion. Truly and honestly, I wish my parents had made that decision rather than subject me to their insanity.
My mother got pregnant with me and kept me because she wanted a baby. It was her own selfish desire because sbe was hoping a baby would meet some of her needs.(And I did....😢) She had a traumatic very painful birth. She raised me almost all alone. And for that I always felt gratitude....and guilt and dept! She also neglected me a lot. She didnt pay attention to me beyond the very basic physical needs. Oftentimes she didnt connect to me on an emotional level. So I felt lonely. Unseen and rejected. I sometimes felt like a chore to her. She cooked for me. She picked me up from school but she didnt talk or connect to me. When I was 7 or 8 she made me do her chores like washing dishes and floors. Then she cried to me about how empty and depressed she felt when I was 11. She also told me I will never find true love because I belong to her. This goes in the direction of emotional incest and it seriously freaked the hell out of me. My dad didnt treat her right and I felt terrible pain for her and wanted to safe her. She didnt respect my boudaries. She would put me in dresses and take pictures of me with my sad face as if I was a doll and not an individal. I suffered terrible enmeshment trauma with her. She used me like as her social worker, her therapist and her best friend. She didnt ask me to do things for her....rather she demanded that I do the things for her that were her responsibilities. She often saw me as an extention of her self and treated me as such. To this day I feel deep guilt and deep responsibility for her. She loved me in many ways but used and abused me in many others. In many ways she failed as a mother. She failed to raise a healthy self loving self respecting adult who has a solid sense of self. She raised self sacrifising little doormat who can't put people in their place and who who safes everyone at her own expense. She caused me so much pain, but she can't take responsibility for any of it. A genuine "im sorry my dear, I caused you a lot of pain. I try to do better...." That is all I ever needed.😢 It is so little but her pride to big, her protection Mechanismus too strong. What I got instead was gaslighting and invalidation. Our relationship went down the drain. I wished I could just say " fuck it" and move on with my life. But I know that she needs me. She is lonely without me. She does not has much but me and my avoident selfish sister. So I know she leads an empty life without me. And it hurts. It really really hurts. Because I love my mama.
i find it really hard to hear the bullshit rationale of people spawning, when clearly they have unresolved needs. I worry for their unborn child. However people say that as i am childfree, i dont get it. This is how life is. This is what people do. No wonder we are destroying the planet
As a dysfunctional child… we might have the right to exist, but do we have the capability or desire to do so????? I agree! People should go to therapy before they start bringing lives into the world. This planet would be a better place to exist if more people would.
I am 37 yrs old. I recently had my first and only daughter two years ago. I sort of feel more able to be a better dad, having been with a lot of women, having gotten a lot of bad behavior and started getting along better (if not avoiding my parents). I wonder how I'd measure up nowadays
I have a story about my narc sis. I had been supporting and helping her through a rough time in her life. She bought up when I was 4 years old and crying, she got me by the hair and violently pulled me around hurting my neck. I stopped talking after that. She 6 years older than me. She has always been cruel to me. As she bought it up it always seem like she had remorse for how she treated me just for a moment then she quickly stated she was doing me a flavour trying to snap me out of it. She went back to her abusive self. I’m done with her. She text me I have a lot to say but for now I need you, please answer my text. If to say despite what I did she is still going to talk to me. I’m done.
I would say that what you're describing is the classic technique of: changing the substance of what you're saying and responding to that instead for their own benefit, to defend themselves (also "attack is the best form of defence"). I've come across this behaviour in a response from a therapy organisation when I made a complaint about a member. It was littered with inconsistencies such as this. When I analysed their response I discovered they hadn't actually addressed many of the issues I flagged up but responded to something else instead that they created for their own benefit but I hadn't actually said. In this way they managed to avoid a proper investigation (which they weren't equipped to do).
There has been horrific news about a murder of a film director by his parents in my country (Iran). They killed him and chopped his body to pieces. The father said they killed him because he would bring girls to their apartment and refused to get his own place. After they caught them the father admitted to another two murders of his daughter and son in law. A few weeks ago there has been an another murder of a son by his father and cousins. He was gay and wanted to migrate to turkey but before he could leave his father and cousins caught him and took him to a dessert and cut off his head. It's just too horrific
Very interesting. My mom epitomizes this attitude. What’s even more interesting is I grew up in a non western culture goes to show how universals apply to humans
My toxic uncle, who I am living with to avoid homelessness, hatefully confronted me tonight about not being social and being withdrawn lately. I told him I was depressed about the fact that my dad (my only living parent) didn't wish me a happy birthday. He pointed at me and reminded me that you don't have to like what your parents do, but you have to honor them. Gee? Really? I have to honor the dad who never supported me in any way growing up and is a big reason I still have a lot of hurt to work through even though I just turned 33??? Count me out.
Can you make a video on Antinatalism? I assume you have some thoughts on this philosophy. Are you familiar with Arthur Schopenhauer? He's often mentioned in regard to this philosophy. It would also be interesting to read the comment section on a video on this topic.
@@Melissa0774 It's an interesting topic for those philosophically inclined, also those who like touchy controversial topics. Thinking more on this I realize it might be a bit rude to ask for a video on this as it might attract some hostility.
Painful and complicated subject. I' ve had bad parents, and I healed through problems with my own children, and my husband too. It lasted around 30 years and we don' t lose hope, because we want to heal, and we don' lose hope, for our children. One wise man, when we wanted to be married, told us: try not to repeat the errors of your parents. And it was very, very hard. Maeby we also can be marked as bad parents in some way, but we have conscious wish to heal❤
I know this is completely irrelevant, but Daniel I remember in one of your videos you talked about being in Palestine. I wonder if you could share some stories from being there, especially considering the horrors happening right now and the number of dying children. You're a wonderful storyteller Daniel and it would mean a lot if you share humanising stories about the people of palestine. Thank you for your videos, as always
Yes and knowing how aware Daniel is of the fucked up state of the world today and how people normalize the wrong, I hope he can enlighten the world with his perspective of the truth.
You've reminded that person that they were terrible parents--and they knew they were--and they don't like that feeling. So they attack the source of that feeling: you.
Well not the source, but the externalized representation of the source.
Most people have no business having children.😒
We didn't ask to be born did we. Somehow they ignore that when making this excuse.
Well said
Also, they didn't have to "work hard" you know. It's a certain type of bedroom activity that leads to pregnancy. They can stop pretending like they were doing it "for the children". Sure. Selfish f#cks
@@squarecicle3577 lol the argument is not that they asked to be born. The argument is that *they* made a decision to reproduce. You have to be willfully ignorant to use that deflection as a defense. P
Yessssss
Yes, and what if you are born from an affair. You are resented even more.
Some people have children in order to abuse them.
Like for example: narcissists
They have them in order to live off them through welfare and to get almost FREE housing and get tax breaks.
@@nabilc1667 the only example. There's just 6 billion of them.
Father: "get me an ashtray"
Me: "I'm not your slave!"
Mother: "Don't talk to your father like that!"
End of story.
I always get outraged when somebody flaunts the most flawed argument in history " yeah but your parents gave you life and without them, you wouldn't have existed" in my face. Listen people: I didn't ask to be born okay. In fact, my parents and many other parents had me just to satisfy their parenthood and reproductive instincts to procreate a version of them. So basically there is nothing special here that I should be grateful for. In fact, thanks to our parents, we have physical, psychological, racial, ethnic and cultural features that we have to bear and live with for the rest of our lives whether we like it or not and of course we didn't choose any of that. Also, almost all parents treat their children like a retirement plan and just have kids to take care of them when they're old. So are kids mere senior homes for their parents? Is that the purpose of birthing them?
There are no parenthood and reproductive instincts in people though. People have no instincts in a sense of uncontrolable urge to do something e.g. have children.
This idea has always bothered me. I've heard it stretched so much to the point people say we owe that to our GRANDPARENTS lol. I had someone tell me I should love my grandmother because I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her. She literally couldn't care less about birthing her own children let alone caring about the product of them multiplying. This is absolutely insane and ridiculous.
Ugh the 'we own you and you owe us' is SO accurate and demented.
It's a slave-owner mentality. No respect for the dignity of others.
Tell them they owe you for fraudulent claims at welfare.
If I had never met either of my breeders, everyone's life would be better.
I feel ya.
resonated
I recently figured out why I was so suicidal when I was a kid, I'd rather die than living with my parents! If I had a choice before I came to this world to their family, I'd rather not coming.
You didn't say that the children should not exist. You said that existing children deserve parents who not f*k'd up.
Yes! You said it better than I did. I'll have to remember your words!!
The unborn don't need to exist. Birth is NOT altruistic. It is done because someone who already exists had desires to fulfil.
I wish more people recognise that they want children for themselves not the child. It's impossible to want to be a parent for the sake of the child, because they don't exist yet, only a version of the child us there, made from your own psyche with all it's wonderful parts and hurt parts too. Wanting to have children it's by definition a self-centred act, if it's good or bad is up for debate but I wish more people will at least acknowledge that fundamental truth of the matter beforehand, being honest and mindful of it is the only way we can fully judge, understand and decide parenthood or not.
@@mana_mana5033 I'm convinced that procreation is unethical because of the inevitable, non-avoidable risk of a miserable life it imposes.
@@lucioh1575 not to mention the impact it has on our planet and the ecosystem
@@lucioh1575antinatalism
Mormonism is a hell of a drug
"Tag, you're it!" Yes, exactly. When I was a teenager, I decided not to have children. I didn't want to do to my children what my parents had done to me. I'm in my mid-fifties now, and have no regrets about my decision. The most parenting I feel willing/able to do is to give random loving support to kids I come across.
Kate I am 41 and reached the same conclusions. My mother has paranoid schizophrenia and her mother had narcissistic pd. My father's father had Sociopathy. So the idea of having kids and grandkids that hurt themselves and others I am not ok with. I will never have kids.
Kate sometimes youtube alerts me when someone replies. If so i'll try to have a conversation with you.
I recently adopted two daughters after playing video games with them online. They are in late teens. One girl never had a father. The other's father is in prison and she was a victim of s assault by three different predators. These teens are carrying pain like you and I. I have done 7 years of therapy and continue to especially self work like journaling or service work. One child lives in Canada the other in Mexico.
I have only had the kids in my life a few months so I don't want to misrepresent the situation. I got very lucky. The kids are shy introverts that deal with anxiety and being social pariahs in school. This was my childhood all the way through college. I've been able to have so many conversations to relieve their suffering through using my personal experiences and the positive coping mechanisms i've developed. Unfortunately I don't talk about this situation because people default to thinking i'm a perv. In fact there are so many men that are not trustworthy i'm only typing this for you because I presume you are female.
I grew up on atari and nintendo. So I hit a low point in life (unemployed) and was playing a lot of video games. I believe in a God of Pure Love that combines multiple religions and spiritual concepts. The one girl asked to start calling me her dad. The other wanted me to be her dad but did not have the self esteem / self confidence to ask so I had to ask her.
We message continuously throughout the day. The majority of my texts follow this theme:
You are worthy of Love. You don't have to do anything to receive this love - just being you is more than enough. You are more capable and powerful than you will ever know. I believe in you and I believe in your dreams. I want you to know that whatever you believe spiritually that you are loved by the divine celestial power of the universe, that you are connected to every living thing every plant every animal even the earth and sky, the sun moon and stars. But more than anything I want you to know you are worthy. You have always been worthy and always will be. You make the world a better place.. that sounds cliche but it's not. I know it in my heart because you have made a massive impact on my happiness. I love you very much.
Kate I want you to know I feel this way about you as well. I love you and wish the best things for you.
Me too
Ugh. Unfortunately a common view. I’m a parent myself, and I went no contact with my own parents, but dammit I’m over here doing my very best to make sure I’m the type of person my kid wants to be around. When I make mistakes I apologise, explain what happened and that it wasn’t his fault, and then I try and do better.
I’ve worked hard but, objectively? I could have done with another few years of healing before I started. Most of us could.
Wise lady. Youre doing 100% better than most. Awareness is present and thats what makes the difference.
"If we remember that there are many people who understand nothing at all about themselves, we shall be less surprised at the realization that there are also people who are utterly unaware of their actual conflicts." - Carl Jung
When parents decide to tell their children that the things they do for them are a burden and the children are expected to be grateful... Dunno how they expect that to lead to gratitude rather than resentment. And why those children would ever want to be parents knowing that their kids will just be burdens to them too.
Jokes on them... they only had us or kept us to take care of them in old age. There is no contract stating we have to. That's what their retirement money is for. If my family doesn't care enough to sit in therapy for me, I'll worry about caring for the people that deserve my love.
@@glendaanderson4969 there’s actually certain states where it’s legal for a child to have to take care for their parent. It was posted on Reddit in the either narcissisticparents or abusive parents group. I know crazy, but I googled and researched and it’s real. Make sure your state doesn’t have it. I’m in Florida and know it’s not here. I just searched it. It’s called filial responsibility.
@@kiyanania Same in Russia. You're required to take care of your parents when you're an adult by law here, at least financially.
The problem is most parents are not even aware that they need to do healing work for themselves and also if they intend to become a parent.
And they hide it from the kids putting up a perfect image of themselves for there kids instead of the truth
I agree, most people who become parents should of done healing beforehand and learnt some parenting skills. It's easy to see with how their kids are, where the parent needs to heal, I've often observed children reflect back a deep character flaw or pain of their parent (unsurprisingly, unless healed, this reflection usually evokes anything from annoyance to rage from the parent)
@@jancole6910 I'm curious to know what you mean by character flaw or pain of their parent. Can you give an example?
There are a lot of ppl who dont deserve the joy of children, sadly. Then there are the ones who would be amazing parents but they are unable to either have their own or adopt.
Or good people who aren't seen as attractive by the opposite sex. Warm caring women who aren't 'hot' or shy nerdy guys who women find unappealing, but make good fathers. Being able to deal with the world might require some dark sides that aren't well suited for parenting, this is especially relevant for guys and what women find attractive.
@@nalissolus9213 only traumatized women find bad men attractive so these women shouldn't become mothers anyway
Very good point. It's so ironic, to the point that it often feels like a very sick joke.
Parents are smart enough to rationalize their own abuses; not smart enough to recognize/fix them. With decades of experience, they're seasoned veterans at it.
Unfortunately, the irrational defense of bad parenting rests with the kids as well, but in a different way. The biological symbiotic relationship kids have to their parents prevent them from ever having the ability to understand that their parents could or ever would abuse them. So the only way to comprehend what's happening is to enable their 'caregivers' by blaming themselves.
So true. 👏
The notion of “giving the gift of life” is cliche foolishness. A non existent future child can’t be given gifts, because they aren’t there to receive it. And no one ever mentions the second half of the gift, which is suffering and death!
The child IS the gift, from Life Itself. But emotionally immature and philosophically uneducated parents get that backwards, arrogate the credit, and then reject the blame. It’s nuts.
exactly, instead of "the gift of life", I wish I, and other people I am thinking of, we had received the gift of love.
I decided i was to damaged to have children. Luckily the time it gave me allowed me to heal
If only more people could realize this, we’d have a very different world today 🙏🏼
I get so much out of this channel. It’s so good for anyone who is trying to understand family dynamics and personal/spiritual growth.
Ohhh yeah. Keep speaking facts my guy.
I just cannot believe the way breeders congratulate themselves for making a baby. One 3-minute thrashabout is all it takes. No intelligence or decency required.
My sister likes to say "I've made sacrifices for my family." She's stayed at home for 20 year and didn't really work before that. At 77, my mother complains that she's been alone for 2 years since her husbands death (went from her father to her husband). The entitlement and self satisfaction at having acted out social roles (and that's it) is mind blowing.
I just laugh when ppl say that, the thing is they don't realize that creating a being to have a miserable life is not a gift and before having life the child didn't exist, so it is a fallacy to say I gave the gift of life to a non existent thing.
Besides, gift is freely given, without expectations of "payback" like gratitude or worship.
It really bothers me when parents “jokingly” warn my partner and I to wait to have kids. They don’t give us advice about taking time to mentally and emotionally grow. The message is always that children will degrade our quality of life. They complain about never having time, being tired, dealing with their kids’ problems. One man complained about his kids, then said “But they’re an investment.” I feel sad for these children.
My parents would make jokes like that. About how expensive we were, about how they only had us to make us into people they’d want to be friends with. They’d constantly drill into our heads that they would live with us in their old age. We were objects they created for their own uses.
During the global turmoil of the past couple years, I seriously questioned the ethics of child-bearing. I do hope to have children, but only after A LOT more healing and growth. I am ending multiple generational trauma cycles. My partner needs healing and growth too. In some ways theirs is more difficult to uncover because they come from a much healthier family than mine, but everyone has trauma, and they are no exception.
Thank you for making me a better potential parent!
💜 thank you for this. I think parents should be required to past an emotional intelligence test.
That is so true. It is just too hard to face the horror that their whole life has been based on lies
It’s great to hear the unsaid.
"Tag, you're it!"
Spot on with the playful metaphor because many parents are still children due to their own unresolved childhood trauma! It's really pathetic and weak to project their feelings like this considering many of them also repeatedly claim and exaggerate "we are grown/adults" (my parents among those). MANY people chose not to deal with themselves and their traumas (or really anything considered "difficult" in this life) because "it might take time" (I have heard this argument many times). So... if they have no time for "difficult things in life"... what made them come up with the genius idea of having children!? (and of course they cannot answer this in a logical way and therefore responds with personal attacks... like children)
Thanks, Daniel. You are one of FEW that openly challenge an area of our culture which is "oh so forbidden to challenge"!
Today I started "war" with my father and started to confront him and going no contact. It was a tought desition, but I feel that without this he will still stirr my life up. I said that we can go together on therapy if he wants to have contact with me. But I doubt he would have the courage to ;). Content very up to date. Parents gave children the body, but children give parents also a lot. People should have children for the world and not for themselves. My grandma always said so, but obviously her son didnt't listen.
Cześć, myślisz, że Twój tata może mieć narcystyczne zaburzenie? Ja mam podobny problem ale z mamą...ciężka sytuacja.
When I was 15, my mom got off the phone after arguing with her mom and said frustratingly, "I feel like shes the kid and I'M the mom!"
And I remember thinking, *weird thats exactly how I feel about you* , but I didnt say it outloud.
I do want a child sometimes, but I am also filled with terror and dread at creating a person and they may feel about me the way I feel about my parents. That is to say, I dont want to create a person who feels suicidal and like they arent wanted only when theyre around me. I couldn't live with myself if I raised my child to be suicidal because of how little I cared about them and ignored their feelings. I couldn't live with myself to create someone and yet know them the least out of anyone theyll ever meet. 😔
As Ive been healing the past 3 years from CPTSD, Ive occasionally talked with my mom about her own childhood. She said just the other week that she shouldve gone to therapy before she had me, so that I wouldn't be dealing with all this trauma on my own as Im the only one in the family trying to actively heal and live my life from a healthy space. I guess its nice that she finally recognizes how bad our family's intergenerational trauma after watching me go through a year of a mental breakdown and recovering by facing my traumas and being the truth teller in the family not giving a shit if I make waves anymore (especially waves that have been trying to flow for decades and before I was born!), but the damage is done now anyway. My mom is too immature and dangerous for me to ever trust or feel emotionally or physically safe with, she still doesnt make safe choices, still ignores important things and blames others for her mistakes, and Ive still got to walk this path alone...as usual.
Therapist Stacy Hoch did a video explaining her take on the "mother wound", if your mother doesnt heal her trauma and gives birth to you..you literally are your mother's wound. She will treat you as such, which explains why my mom neglected me and ignored me, while being enmeshed and immature towards me. She didnt handle her own childhood trauma and shes very dissociated and in her own world without being actually psychotic. She never saw me as a real, separate human. Shes never respected my feelings or fears. Shes made so many confusing choices as a mother that even when I told her recently, she accepts what Im saying but admits she doesnt recognize herself in my memories. She acknowledges she was "sick and depressed" but she doesnt really recognize still the gravity of the damage shes done and her toxic positivity drives me nuts. Ive had to explain to her why its actually unempathetic and cruel. She still doesnt recognize me as a totally separate person for the most part. Shes too dissociated and enmeshed. Its devastating and was even more so when I was a child.
I also recently told my mom, "I used to pray to be adopted. I wanted to be taken away from you." And she said she could relate because thats how she felt about her mom! And I was so angry at her..."so you know what this feels like, and you did it to me anyway?! Why didnt you ever check in with my feelings to make sure I never felt alone and unloved by you?" She said, she didnt know. She doesnt have an answer for me other than she realizes now she had some blind spots in her mind and couldnt see or hear me my whole life.
Idk what kind if answer would be satisfactory but "idk I dont have an answer for my behavior as a mother and ignoring you your whole life" isnt great. But idc anymore..my healing isnt dependent on her at all. It just wouldve been nice if she had a reason that made sense..like admitting she never wanted to be a mom or something. That would make more sense to me and I could understand that.
And especially with the way the world is now, I could justify adoption but I could never justify creating a brand new child to myself.
It's only when the wrong is done that unfortunately a parent can see their mistskes. But some parents will never admit that because they are so screwed up that they can not even become aware of that. Intergenerational abuse is hidden so well and the child often takes the blame for their parent's problems. Some parents will never understand and eill never change. They will only go on hurting their children, putting all the blame for their own deeds on them. Children are the real victims of dysfunctional families. Helpless, hurt and made believe that the abuser is perfect and just.
I so can relate to your every word.
Ugh.... same same. My dad sexually abused my older sister from 6-12yrs old. My mom is so emotionally unavailable she can't admit my father is in the wrong, let alone having everyone gather for therapy or how her own emotional neglect affected me and my lil sister growing up.. I became the scape goat so they're not worth struggling to connect with. I cut them out my life, as hard as it was, it was worth it.. It still hurts when I hear stories about real families that had it better but there isn't a single person who can help me feel better about it all but myself. As Richard Grannon says... "you have to literally bend life to your fucking will". When it hurts... say it out loud or write it down, but make yourself work through it in that moment so you can move past it... for at least in that moment. This is emotional literacy. If a parent cut off your arm they would have to deal with it...It's so irresponsible for is them to assume they haven't created real lasting damage. I was just 6 days late for my period. I prayed that no souls would come in and try and make a home because I wouldn't dare bring a child into this world. So thankful I started yesterday🥳 Was actually stressed out because I had to cut out my husband's family. I was sexually harassed last summer by his uncle. Politely asked his grandma/mom not to invite me to events including him. They invited us for pictures. He came and afterwards attempted to apologize for whatever he thinks he said which he couldn't recall... just regurgitating that he was in the wrong. I asked him to please not speak to me ever again and he turned into such a man child he tried to fight my husband for standing up for me... smh. All the family there. Not one person asked if we were OK. His grandmother called next day to say I was running my mouth... protecting the uncle. Turns out I was the scape goat in this family too. But I assure you, grass is greener on the other side. I'm getting so good as cutting out unhealthy family that they're funny if they think I will put up with that. It hurts, but imagine a direction in life where you're not constantly confused and hurt. Go in that direction.
Thank you for sharing your story❤
@@bdmenne me too.
It sounds like mother wound would be the same as father wound. I’m not sure why there needs to be a distinction by sex. Both parents do this
Your clarity and courage are inspiring.
I wish my parents wouldn't have had me, but did I have any say in the matter? No.
I personally would rather not exist. What is it about just existing? As if it's so fun with developmental childhood trauma. I've never felt such a joy out of pure existence. Some /a lot of people do. I remember wondering how a lot of/some other children/then teens/then young people/then adults can get so much joy out of pure existence, even enough to be curious about the world around them and or the joy of communicating with people enough to seek that communication. I was just sitting in the corner literally all the time, every stimuli felt like it was too dangerous for me, I was scared of everything even basic stuff. I was afraid to be criticized because I constantly would be criticized or ridiculed and I wouldn't know how to fix myself not to be criticized for all the little things I do wrong, not like other people. That stunted my development as a person, the basic development, not even talking about emotional one. As for people, I almost always had negative experience or lack of communication whatsoever. I felt like an alien while comparing myself to people around me.
So sad that people have children without being mature enough to parent...
Sending you love ❤. It is so very hard.
No wonder there's a fraternity of parents, otherwise they should question themselves and they don't want that
More like a conspiracy - conspiracy of silence & condoning
"the gift of life" is for starters a religious idea. Nobody "chooses" to live, you just do and people who are RESPONSIBLE for your existence have a DUTY. that is what responsibility means
Yeah Daniel, I've thought many times about those two or three mothers that killed very young children back in the late 90s and early 2000s and how I thought that was so horrible what they did which it was but I feel that what my mother and relatives have done to me is much worse than what those mothers did at least they put their children out of their misery fairly quickly rather than torturing them needlessly year after year after year.
Daniel I almost feel my mother and relatives are demon possessed and that it's actually a curse that goes through them directed at me no s***.
God bless anyone affected by families like these evil people.
Have you gone no contact yet?
I went through all the comments and it was a joy to read! Thank you to those who contributed such thought provoking and poignant words! You have all helped me with feelings about how society lets parents off the hook, that came in a timely manner!
and therapists defend one another in exactly the same way, and for exactly the same reasons, as parents do.
Like Daniel said, a lot of parents think their kids owe them. It seems to me that, since the parents are subjecting the kids to a lot of risk, by forcing them into a brutal world and a life that can go downhill without warning, that the parents are the ones who owe the kids.
I brought this up in a conversation with my mother while we were eating at a restaurant .. she flipped out ... told me to move away and don't come back. I was shocked , and it was a sad feeling I got ,,, she didn't want anything to do with me after that .... I was looking for a rational conversation about it ,,, she wasn't having it !!! probably too painful to think back about how she behaved ...
It all comes from "We gave you life, we sacrifice so much of our time for you and did so much for you, and YOU have the right to criticize US?!" One time in our family gathering (with grandma also) my words and presence were as always undermined and my wrongdoings criticized and I said to them "Yeah, me an my sister, we are always wrong and in fault, but isn't your innocence a bit too impressive!? They didn't have an answer... they looked around searching for the clues and all of the sudden they all were unconsciously looking at my religious grandmother.
My father also knows how much unforgivable damage he did to me, offered no restitution or mentioning any of it, that he don't even contact me anymore. His alcoholic father did to him so much damage than he ever did to me, so he is good one. But he didn't even explained why he is the way he is, he hid his past from us, and his unresolved inner conflicts just replicated and acted out in our family.
The problem is that most state child protective services and social workers care more about parents rights than the rights of children.
This! It’s so infuriating!! But this is also what they are being taught. “To keep the children with the parent”
Parents couldn't create children in the least... even very poor couples have children. It doesn't give them ownership, it gives them responsibility
One of the most important voices ever. Thanks
Sounds like she was blame shifting, self-deception, and a mixture of denial.
I realize that our society is so obsessed with materialistic acquisition of status that people consider their children like dolls, toys, or babies. Not as humans with individual rights, personalities, and interests. These parents aren't being held accountable b/c they feel entitled to their "property" (My child, my car, my money). As if slavery back in the day they were barely even considering humans but assets for gaining status.
I realize in my family system it was about respect. The parents wanted social status bc of the respect they gained. The parents did not give respect freely. It was conditional and required jumping through hoops to gain approval. Never good enough. They used fear to create artificial respect and control. Respecting the authority they held over. Disrespect would be met with corpal punishment and coercion. It took me 28 years to understand that my parents did not respect me. Even today I am met with attitudes of contempt which is a clear indication of lack of regard.
Been over a year since I have talked to them. Trying to regain my sense of self-respect and love.
Sounds like the fraternity of parents are defending their unconscious & unresolved reasons for having children in the first place. Many people use their children to act out their problems in public, which includes egotististical screaming, ive seen it done & encouraged, then an almighty fight ensues should anyone point this out to them or complain.
There are so many reasons why people have children: Religious population growth and/or an anti-birth control stance, sloppy sex, status, wanting someone to take care of them in old age, ad nauseam. Sadly, I believe that bringing life into the world because the couple know themselves and want to bestow love onto an innocent being is in the minority.
I like your comment, however it seems to me that there is still no necessity to create the innocent being in the first place.
Right?!? Its kinda selfish by default. Even when shrouded in "well intentions" its about gaining love and adoration.
Thank you for saying these things.
My parents "we raised you"
Me "so could an orphanage"
"We did the best we could"....the WORST excuse ever. My parents failed at everything...school. business, empathy, basic social mores.....and these breeders are the same people who insist on making Xerox copies of themselves.
When your parents suck? Youre part of a covert contract you never signed up for.
"I was a free spirit, but you both had to F and bring me into this world so I could work in a donut shop the rest of my life. Thanks for nothing!" Sam Kinison....greatest bit ever
I got recommended this video just now, maybe late but one input that comes to mind is how these kinds of rationalizations are often used for tyrants even. In my country Mussolini, a past dictator was praised for all the good infostructures he build, and other useful stuff as a way to justify how terrible he was (he was Hitler's ally!)
These types of parents are full of self-resentment, entitlement, projection issues, enlarged ego/narcissism and low self-esteem. You can have all of those issues, sure, but your kids shouldn’t suffer at your hands because you couldn’t control yourself 💯
I love your videos on this topic. I’m curious if you ever make videos that focus on the larger systems (economic, social) within which all of these ill-equipped parents are created. I agree that many/most of us are too traumatized to have kids, and in my opinion this is but one part of the equation. Again, I really appreciate your clarity, courage, and sincerity on this taboo topic.
I wouldn't really say that parents create (bring into existence) their children. They are the vessel through which the creation happens, like paint is the vessel of creation for the artist
Yes! We are children of this universe and the source that everything comes from... we owe it to this to make our life experiences rich and sacred. Not guilt tripped by someone traumatized into confusion and hurt.
Thank you for exposing this idiotic reasoning it's like a mafia of parents collaborating to cover up each others' crimes.
6:20 DARVO they do it so fast your head is spinning
I can't feel true connection to anyone. I hate myself and humanity. Why the f... did they make me for? I wish I was never born. Constantly have to think my feelings so I feel somewhat human. Yet it always collapses because underneath there is nothing. That pain is so excruciating when my lie is exposed. A pointless life. Where is the core? Do I make a new one? How? I can't climb with thoughts anymore. It's exhausting and I always fall due to believing the negative ones. 1 year tops and I'm done. Thanks mom and dad. I haven't spoken to them in years. And when i had a brief moment of emotion and I called them being vulnerable and open expressing my deepest rare outpour of feelings they called me crazy, and accused me of being on drugs. So what is the point of even trying? Realness is a threat to people. When that shift inside happens seeing the outside is a horrifying sight. My only option was to retreat back. Dissociate. Shut it down. Either I want to commit suicide or vent my rage on others. Yet once in a while my heart softens and empathy and connection occurs. Lasts very briefly until the negative chatter shuts it down. The higher I go the more painful it is when it drops. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being unable to love myself. Tired of the inner shadows. Tired of life. I wish I was not here.
Sending you my love.
Thank you for sharing this, this is very painful but think it is so important to hear,
I love you bro. Sending you my care. Nobody should be treated that way.
I hope that you are still here 💜 you may not understand how valuable you are, but you just gave me words for how I feel, here in 2024! I hope that you have been working on yourself, I wish pure joy in your life, I hope so many good things happen to you, that the bad things are minuscule! Sending love and care to you ✨🙏🏽💜
The way I see it, my parents were body lenders. God gave me life :) Also, it's so funny when parents say "you have to have children of your own to criticize parenting". Really? Must every heart surgeon get a surgery on their own heart to operate on others?
When you shared about the woman asking, "Are you telling me my children should not exist?" I became very confused. My stepfather similarly changed the direction of a conversation I had initiated by connecting ideas together that made no sense. His crazy making behavior prevented me from responding logically. Because I had time to reflect on this woman's comment, I was able to "see" what she was doing ("slight of hand" subtly steer your attention away from her behavior by introducing a "controvercial" attitude. How I would have loved to be quick minded enough to say, I AM NOT talking about your children's right to exist. YOU ARE. Why exactly, did you go there?
Thanks for sharing this. Interesting.
@@dmackler58 Thanks for responding. I have been devouring your videos for a month now and my emotional healing has gone through the roof (I am 62). Thank you for all you do, Daniel!
We owe our children.
its so hard to realize and then even harder to accept this but the parents have no free will either. you could keep telling them theyre bad and blah blah blah and it will amount to absolutely nothing. your best bet is running away from them. through education. its hard as hell
Without the parents, the kids wouldn't even exist. (Parents own the kids, therefore, the kids owe the parents!) That's the most pathetic philosophy I've ever heard!
Thank you, Daniel
Or: They would say/think, "I did some bad things to my child, but so do all parents. All parents screw up their children. It is in the nature of being a parent." The idea of comradery in this way goes a long way. Evident in our culture overall.
People are so stupid...I full heartedly agree with all of what you said. I think they should have to get a certification before the people are allowed to procreate personally, just a free online course that everyone has access to that tells you What is a good parenting and what is not as a public service announcement or something like that
The problem is that awareness is not enough. There also needs to be willingness, to be a decent parent. All the classes in the world will not eliminate the entitlement, or the sadistic streak that some patents unfortunately possess.
@@oompaloompa9139 yup that’s totally true!
truly doing a service to the world. Thank u daniel, this comment is for the algorithm and to thank you as well.
your videos are so important, i feel like they are helping me heal, thank you ❤
They have the "right to exist" but not the obligation to suffer.
My father would always say in any situation where it even remotely applied "I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it too."
What a horrible thing to say to one's child. What could possibly entice such remark? Jeez.
Great video Daniel! Totally agree. Lots of truth told here on this channel.
Can you do a video about when people comment ''blood is thicker than water".
Thank you for the videos. I love this topic
“If children were brought into the world by an act of pure reason alone, would the human race continue to exist? Would not a man rather have so much sympathy with the coming generation as to spare it the burden of existence, or at any rate not take it upon himself to impose that burden upon it in cold blood?” - I agree with Schopenhauer even more so now as I have a child.
agree with you Daniel 100 % ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️ it's difficult topic even here in Poland and Italy, they
Ive heard this from my parent also and the other one was well we fed you.
Until we direct 'blame' ( this word has a bad reputation which obscures the best use of it) at the perpetrators, we cannot heal. Trauma is a survival brain conditioner. The survival brain does not listen to platitudes! Ever. It requires us to use a language it understands. That language is raw embodied emotion. It is as simple as that.
Could not agree more
THANK YOU 🙏
This is so necessary for society at large to know for otherwise they will keep justifying abuse or mistreatment in the name of parenthood. The world doesnt change because of mercy, if someone knows they have mercy of society for being parents they will make themselves comfortable in that lazyness because is freely granted and more and more kids will suffer. I wish I could have respected my toxic parents ...
This is very complicated controversial topic, but I want to go ahead and be honest about this:
I have had two abortions with two different women, and the basis for our decision was that the child was not going to be loved the way it deserved and that we were not capable of being the parents very child deserves.
To this day, the hardest decision I have ever made and I’ve had to make it twice.
I feel like the partners I was with took it much easier than I did- the first one led me to a heroin addiction and decision to be homeless and I ended up hitchhiking to the Pacific Northwest to try to find myself and grieve the loss and get as far away as I could from the constant pain I felt from the decision.
I’ve had several conversations with people about this- I would say half of them wound up with people calling me a baby killer and telling me I was going to hell. The half that “got me” were men in recovery who went through the same experience and who felt similarly- we were able to make very morose jokes about it however, insulting some people, but for us, we felt like we’d earned the right to finally feel anything but trauma about it.
To this day- I know it was the right decision, not the easiest and certainly there should have been better decisions in avoiding the situation and creating the consequences, but I know that child would have been raised in a home with unstable, unready people (or single person, more to the point) and would always wonder why their parents didn’t love them enough to make it work for them.
I often wish I had been an abortion. Truly and honestly, I wish my parents had made that decision rather than subject me to their insanity.
Consciousness is control of the Universe, yet the borderline parent believes that they're God because they lack consciousness. The irony.
My mother got pregnant with me and kept me because she wanted a baby. It was her own selfish desire because sbe was hoping a baby would meet some of her needs.(And I did....😢) She had a traumatic very painful birth. She raised me almost all alone. And for that I always felt gratitude....and guilt and dept! She also neglected me a lot. She didnt pay attention to me beyond the very basic physical needs. Oftentimes she didnt connect to me on an emotional level. So I felt lonely. Unseen and rejected. I sometimes felt like a chore to her. She cooked for me. She picked me up from school but she didnt talk or connect to me. When I was 7 or 8 she made me do her chores like washing dishes and floors.
Then she cried to me about how empty and depressed she felt when I was 11. She also told me I will never find true love because I belong to her. This goes in the direction of emotional incest and it seriously freaked the hell out of me. My dad didnt treat her right and I felt terrible pain for her and wanted to safe her. She didnt respect my boudaries. She would put me in dresses and take pictures of me with my sad face as if I was a doll and not an individal.
I suffered terrible enmeshment trauma with her. She used me like as her social worker, her therapist and her best friend. She didnt ask me to do things for her....rather she demanded that I do the things for her that were her responsibilities.
She often saw me as an extention of her self and treated me as such.
To this day I feel deep guilt and deep responsibility for her. She loved me in many ways but used and abused me in many others.
In many ways she failed as a mother. She failed to raise a healthy self loving self respecting adult who has a solid sense of self. She raised self sacrifising little doormat who can't put people in their place and who who safes everyone at her own expense.
She caused me so much pain, but she can't take responsibility for any of it. A genuine "im sorry my dear, I caused you a lot of pain. I try to do better...."
That is all I ever needed.😢 It is so little but her pride to big, her protection Mechanismus too strong. What I got instead was gaslighting and invalidation. Our relationship went down the drain.
I wished I could just say " fuck it" and move on with my life.
But I know that she needs me. She is lonely without me. She does not has much but me and my avoident selfish sister. So I know she leads an empty life without me. And it hurts. It really really hurts. Because I love my mama.
i find it really hard to hear the bullshit rationale of people spawning, when clearly they have unresolved needs. I worry for their unborn child.
However people say that as i am childfree, i dont get it. This is how life is. This is what people do.
No wonder we are destroying the planet
Would you like to have a child in the future?
Right, why bother with human rights when you have parents instead?
As a dysfunctional child… we might have the right to exist, but do we have the capability or desire to do so?????
I agree! People should go to therapy before they start bringing lives into the world. This planet would be a better place to exist if more people would.
#antinatalism
I am 37 yrs old. I recently had my first and only daughter two years ago.
I sort of feel more able to be a better dad, having been with a lot of women, having gotten a lot of bad behavior and started getting along better (if not avoiding my parents).
I wonder how I'd measure up nowadays
I have a story about my narc sis. I had been supporting and helping her through a rough time in her life. She bought up when I was 4 years old and crying, she got me by the hair and violently pulled me around hurting my neck. I stopped talking after that. She 6 years older than me. She has always been cruel to me. As she bought it up it always seem like she had remorse for how she treated me just for a moment then she quickly stated she was doing me a flavour trying to snap me out of it. She went back to her abusive self. I’m done with her. She text me I have a lot to say but for now I need you, please answer my text. If to say despite what I did she is still going to talk to me. I’m done.
I would say that what you're describing is the classic technique of: changing the substance of what you're saying and responding to that instead for their own benefit, to defend themselves (also "attack is the best form of defence"). I've come across this behaviour in a response from a therapy organisation when I made a complaint about a member. It was littered with inconsistencies such as this. When I analysed their response I discovered they hadn't actually addressed many of the issues I flagged up but responded to something else instead that they created for their own benefit but I hadn't actually said. In this way they managed to avoid a proper investigation (which they weren't equipped to do).
Tou are so brilliant and so to the point every time. Thanks for making these videos and letting us know you and know you thoughts and insights .
The _curse_ of life
Great video
There has been horrific news about a murder of a film director by his parents in my country (Iran). They killed him and chopped his body to pieces. The father said they killed him because he would bring girls to their apartment and refused to get his own place. After they caught them the father admitted to another two murders of his daughter and son in law. A few weeks ago there has been an another murder of a son by his father and cousins. He was gay and wanted to migrate to turkey but before he could leave his father and cousins caught him and took him to a dessert and cut off his head. It's just too horrific
Very interesting. My mom epitomizes this attitude. What’s even more interesting is I grew up in a non western culture goes to show how universals apply to humans
My toxic uncle, who I am living with to avoid homelessness, hatefully confronted me tonight about not being social and being withdrawn lately. I told him I was depressed about the fact that my dad (my only living parent) didn't wish me a happy birthday. He pointed at me and reminded me that you don't have to like what your parents do, but you have to honor them. Gee? Really? I have to honor the dad who never supported me in any way growing up and is a big reason I still have a lot of hurt to work through even though I just turned 33??? Count me out.
Brilliant analysis, and so very true
Can you make a video on Antinatalism? I assume you have some thoughts on this philosophy.
Are you familiar with Arthur Schopenhauer? He's often mentioned in regard to this philosophy.
It would also be interesting to read the comment section on a video on this topic.
I'd like to see him do a video on that topic too.
Has he not done those videos already
@@Melissa0774 It's an interesting topic for those philosophically inclined, also those who like touchy controversial topics. Thinking more on this I realize it might be a bit rude to ask for a video on this as it might attract some hostility.
Go through his older videos :)
Painful and complicated subject. I' ve had bad parents, and I healed through problems with my own children, and my husband too. It lasted around 30 years and we don' t lose hope, because we want to heal, and we don' lose hope, for our children. One wise man, when we wanted to be married, told us: try not to repeat the errors of your parents. And it was very, very hard. Maeby we also can be marked as bad parents in some way, but we have conscious wish to heal❤
My mother at 12 slapped Mt face, when l said l did not ask to be here.
Mum was not happy, l am the oldest girl of 7
I know this is completely irrelevant, but Daniel I remember in one of your videos you talked about being in Palestine. I wonder if you could share some stories from being there, especially considering the horrors happening right now and the number of dying children. You're a wonderful storyteller Daniel and it would mean a lot if you share humanising stories about the people of palestine. Thank you for your videos, as always
You know i was thinking the same thing, think Daniel would do an excellent job.
Yes and knowing how aware Daniel is of the fucked up state of the world today and how people normalize the wrong, I hope he can enlighten the world with his perspective of the truth.