I think a lot of parents had their boundaries disregarded as children, so as adults, they have no idea how to properly enforce boundaries in their own families.
@@deadparrot5953 Then they should NOT HAVE CHILDREN. My mother was an abuser and did not respect boundaries. I made the decision to not have children because I knew I had no good role model of what a good mother was. I was not going to pass down the abuse.
A somatic healer once told me, “The reason unloving parents get away with it for so long is we, their children, love them more (than they love us).” I finally walked away from a deeply abusive family member. Respect for you and this channel.
Really true! In my case it was my sister I loved who didn't love me we've been broken up 3 years and I'm only now realizing the woman I see who hates me is the true her and I stayed years on end trying to gain her love & sisterhood and a bit of my mom's approval too as they're tied together in my trauma case yet if I'd heard this younger it may've aided me in accepting the truth I already knew when I was 8 that they infact didn't love me they may've had degrees of care for me which is debatable on how much and when yet it was fickle, in short supply, and over all not a common element and care and love are two separate things.
Family values do not exist in modern capitalist spaces. It's an anti commie slogan to bolster support of capitalism which has decimated the family and reduced it to nuclear proportions. Most people cannot cope in anyway when approached by family. Family values are important for a healthy society, modern man is devoid of them in pursuit of the hyper-individual
Here in Africa, especially for men and boys, We do not cling to them parents. We just appriciate them by visiting them once in a while to check if they are still healthy and alive. Thats all.
@@chrismwangi7420This is the way! I am half asian and parents are put on a pedestal in my culture. As soon as an adult child starts to set some boundaries, they get accused of being “ungrateful”
@@alexxx4434 For sure. Both of my parents would harshly punish me if I acted like them, if my face had a similar tic as theirs or a similar tone in my voice arose. They hated themselves and I was supposed to save them from that I guess. Almost hilarious if you think about it lmao
Yes, coz kids are, to parents, extensions of the parents. So we think parents are gonna love a kid as a real individual? If they were to do that they'd have been ok loving just any person that already exist tbh
also society cares a lot less about children than they think they do. whenever a child complains about an abusive parent , what does society tell the child or now adult? you have to forgive your parents! but their your parents! but you have to honor your parents! they never say oh, your parents were wrong and unfair towards you. they never validate the child, they almost always defend the parent.....
No one in this society gets validated, absolutely no one. What happens when you experience something horrific and want to just share your painful emotions and thoughts for once??? "Go to therapy." will be their immediate and ignorant answer. And they call themselves your friend, sibling, partner whatever.. Even human connection and a simple conversation gets capitalized. No one wants to listen or be "burdened" by other's problems. As long as they're not fuckable of course... THEN people are the kindest and will get out of their way till they get what they "worked" for. There are no real conversations anymore, no genuinly supportive communities..
@@Apricot90 parents do get validated though, parenthood is sacred in society. my mother has complained about me because shes a narcissist and was on a smear campaign against me in my childhood and everyone validated her including my father and brothers. they all came against me for her. when parents complain people listen. they then say the child is a bad seed or something to that effect.
I figured society stopped giving af about the kids when the wave of child labor laws started to get loosened up. Now we got a these little bastards working full time at UPS on school nights just so their parents can take that check
I feel this aswell. 37 years and still barely understands what i like. Oldest brother gets treated with respect even though their relationship shallow. I see her everyday and i feel like a burden most of the time when i just try to converse.
Same here. I'm 38 and was trapped until a couple years ago in my parents' fantasy of me. Oh by, do I have the feeling of having lost those 10 last years... But since I'm reading this I have a feeling you won't let yourself drag down for too long. I wish you the best!
I've realized that most people, literally like 99% of people I've observed, for them being a parent is the only time they've felt real power in their lives. Being able to control someone smaller than them is the only real power they feel. I've met like 2 parents I can say actually care for the well being of their children over what the children provide for them.
Hold on so you are saying that 99 percent of people do not care about their children and other family members? That is a very bold and depressing statement. I don’t see how this could be true. What a false statement I am sorry but just because some people have some bad experiences does not mean that you can generalize like this.
I get the feeling most parent face parenthood like a social obligation, they take pride of themselves if they could manage to spend money on their children (instead of themselves) so they "sacrificed" themselves and now expect their children to sacrifice for them....validation, attention and emotional support are completely out of the equation. Hey, who really had the idea of having children? Are children's fault to be born or the other way around?
you can commit suicide as a statement against your parents (and society). Or, yes, you can try to thrive in spite of your parents (and society).......The latter is perhaps the most difficult one. Lately I start seeing committing suicide almost as a big critique on how society is organised and the lack of power to change it..probably the reason why it `s such a big taboo
Heh this comment reminded of me of someone in the depression ward saying how at this point theyre living out of spite. Yeah I wouldnt want my parents controlling that narrative either. They already do so much.
My parents raised me in a high control religion. They made sure that I knew I was second to their faith. When I left, I was 26 and had spent 10 years of my life working for the church. Broke, no education, no good job skills. They withdrew all support, hoping that destitution would cause me to go back to the faith. Six years later I have had near 0 contact with them and my life has never been better.
I have an almost identical story. I left my family's religion 5 years ago and haven't spoken to my aunt's uncle's parents, brother or sister or grandparents, with the exception of one granddad. In 5 years. It's been hard in some ways but overall it's been the best 5 years of my life.
Would love to know how you made it through what I assume was a scary transition through the loss of your family, loss of financial support, and loss of familiarity, to a good life today
Bad parenting is unfortunately so much more common than good parenting. My mother is loving and generous, and I was totally confused that most of my childhood friends had psycho mothers. I'd ask my friends what's wrong with your mother, and they'd say that's just how she is.
same story with me, my mom always gave me + continues to give unconditional love and support without expecting anything in return and it was baffling to me how other mothers treated their children. what’s funny though is all of my friends had amazing fathers while mine was alright at best, emotionally unavailable and abusive at worst. can’t have it all ig
@@debbiewilder4738 I'm not sure me having any priorities of my own was even a passing thought. My sheer existence was an inconvenience outside their demands. I'm pretty sure I was only fed and clothe, to sent to school, so that they wouldn't get arrested. They both made it very to clear to me, that they knew the legal lines/boundaries were. Period.
@@anita10674 The question isn't a reasonable one. How can a kid's basic and necessary needs not be met without it being abuse by default. That includes emotional needs. And it sounds like yours were clearly not met. So no need to defend yourself here.
I started seeing less my parents, like once a month. I was on the phone with my mom an hour ago. She was complaining that I needed to visit them more. She openly said, "Whatever happened happened, we did best we could as parents, and you need to accept it and come more often to make us happy." I feel like a toy, pet, or some sort of comfort object. Not like a person. I hope I can get my selfness after 38 years of age. I don't have much hope.
You deserve happiness for yourself. You could not make them "happy" if you tried--they are inauthentic and using you. You have permission from this community to distance yourself from their toxicity and focus on your own healing!!! It can happen!
I was parentified so bad that at some point (as I started to heal) I felt less desire to call my mom. Then I took care of her because of a surgery and she insulted me. She refused to apologise. When I told her I could just leave her alone when she disrespects me, she called me selfish. After all the sacrifises I did for her she called me selfish because I refused to be disrespected. It hurt like hell. I felt so unseen in my endless efforts for her, it was crazy. After my job was done I stopped calling her. Once I called she yelled at me "i could have already died". My desire to call her went down to zero. Some parents really think they have a right to demand a relationship. As if they are entitled to you until they die. Love is a child of freedom. Wanting to see and call someone is the result of a good relationship.
The MOST important job in the world and this "they did the best they could" excuse would never fly in any other situation. I get pulled over by a cop for drunk driving, and I say "officer, I did the best I could"...he'd laugh in my face as I got cuffed and arrested. You get called into a job for a perfomance review and say "I'm doing the best I can" and they'll say get your numbers up or else you're gone. But with parenting? They'll always minimize the fact they were horrible parents and its up to YOU to correct it. Classic parentification.
Thank you for the replies. My parents were let down big time by their parents, and they were parentified, too. I can't believe how helpful my father and two aunts are to my narcissistic, overcontrolling, child beating, abusive grandmother. In their mind, they just want the same thing, I'm not even abused as much as they are. I'm the one breaking this cycle, this family system. This kinda hurts, too.
I think children are a victory lap for the parent, an opportunity for them to replay their past in an idealized way. When the child tries to find independence the parent rebukes, doing anything they can to put up rails to their life. It's gross and objectifying, normalized by society as if it's somehow reasonable.
My mom would take it very personally if I didn't want to wear the clothes she picked out or play the sport she wanted me to play, it was just easier to give in and do what she wanted instead of endure the pouting. My sister had a stronger backbone and could pout just as much as mom, so she got more leeway.
As a childless person, I'm not seen as an adult simply because I can nap when I get a headache, I like my partner, and spend time bug hunting with the neighbors kid. I'm selfish and immature for having the time to do those things.
I always told my 5 year old “Mom and Dad know a lot, and we want to teach you a lot. But everyone in this world is not perfect, even us. If you see us doing something we tell you not to do, tell us. We need to help each other sometimes.” If you give their voice and presence a real and valuable purpose within the house I find the relationship so much more peaceful.
And meaningful and unselfish. You are a good parent who treats their child like a human being. This guy acts like we all treat our kids like its 1845. He should get over his trauma and anger at his parents before trying to give any useful advice. Aren’t we all human beings here? We’re all doing our best. I feel like deep down my parents do love me, even if sometimes they have done selfish or wrong things. And I love my girlfriend and our boy with all my heart, unselfishly and without any ego. Truly, deeply, all encompassing love and respect. No “you’re my kid and need to know your place” shit.
@@patrickmccutcheon8860 My father beat the ever loving shit outta me when I messed up. At the time I despised him but now I’m closer to him because I understand, in his imperfections why he did it and where his intentions came from. No one knows how to parent out the gate, you only have your own clumsy take on it with what your parents did as a reference and sometimes it’s a shit bench mark.
@@patrickmccutcheon8860 ofcourse there are many, many good parents too. But I think he just want to open up some taboos. His opinion and experience about parenting is not often heard or spoken of in an honest manner.
I once asked my dad if he has washed his hands before cutting a watermelon (we were learning about handwashing at school) I got hit, told I have no right to speak to an adult like that and also got no watermelon.
Exactly that. As a kid it's like you absorb it. You hear the words of care and love, but you never feel them. Humans don't need many years on this earth to know what neglect and falsities are. It's subconsciously embedded, they know.
I'm the middle child of 5 siblings, and we're all 3 years apart. Tells me pretty much everything I need to know about why my parents had so many kids. Mom wanted babies, and threw the toddlers to be raised by the siblings, who usually ended up just being bullies because they were acting out their anger toward being abandoned in favor of the next baby.
Wow, that clicks with what my Mother did. She always said that she loved children. But I guess it was only small and dependent toddlers that she loved.
Even that statement is false considering the early years are the hardest and most changing. You are constantly tending to someone who is not remotely reasonable. Women who self promote themselves as loving children are in fact borderline/ narcs who cannot actually form a bond with children and use them as control leverage in a marriage. Love for the marriage bond creates love for your children. Most materialistic Americans are devoid of both
This is true. Same with siblings to. You tell a sibling a parent is abusing you? It’s “you’re making it up” “you’re a liar” “I don’t believe you” “you have a mental problem and you need to seek help” The family system is complete bullshit.
Told my cousin my mother was abusive. His response was HOW DARE YOU! He has given me the silent treatment. This family is so f*cked up. He was the first relative I have disclosed this to and that's the response. Everyone rallies around the abuser and protects them at all costs. Speak up and you are ostracized.
@@l.5832 oh yea! Trust me I understand! My sister was also abused... my aunt before she passed could see the signs she was sexually abused. She told our uncle as well. My uncles response? “Not my kid not my problem” family is literally bullshit.
Yes! I told my mother about my sister hitting me and hurting me. She said all sisters fight. I was 4 when my 20 year old sister got married, she was 15.5 years older.
So sorry your cousin punished you for telling the truth. And who would know better about your mothers abuse than you! Your cousin’s reaction and opinion does not matter. But I’m so sorry that happened to you with your family. It’s awful.
I think most parents would physically die for their children in certain circumstances - like jumping in front of a train to save them. But children inevitably touch on their parents narcissistic wounds. And the threat of death to the false self is incomprehensible...seemingly far worse than physical death.
You're spot on Daniel. When I was growing up as a teenager in the 90's and early 2,000, any mates of mine who was rebellious enough, was usually threatened with being disowned by their parents or even outrightly disowned. My own father would mouth it a few times to get me to fall in line. Disowning a child would usually involve throwing the rebellious child out of the home: no more schooling, as well as other care. And I'm talking about Nigeria in Africa where family is all you literally have. Most Parents don't love their children, they love the image they project on the children instead.
Which goes to show that most parents are partially delusional, maybe mildly schizophrenic or even teetering on the edge of psychosis. They sacrifice the real child's mental and emotional health for an idealized image of unreal perfection, which shows that your average parent is detached from reality, and is dangerous to themselves, especially children, therefore earning them a spot in a psychiatric hospital. Sadly, Instead of putting them through intensive therapy or medical evaluation, the child is the one pathologized and dismissed as the source of the problem.
When I was a teenager my mother said that she loved my sibling and I the most before we had started school, so up until the age of 5. Because, she said "After that you weren't all mine anymore." I never realized how messed up that was until recently.
My mother exactly....whos decision it was to outsource me to the public indoctrination system instead of home schooling me. Like its our fault they pass us off to someone else. She was a bored housewife who wanted to go play tennis and socialize with her equally lazy, worthless friends who had kids as an excuse to live a life of leisure and ease.
@@MJ98774I would think that a person who wants to live a life of ease would choose not to have children. Raising children is difficult. Even when they go to public school you have to be involved in the child's education.
@@The-Oneness11 Mine wasnt involved in my education nor were her friends. I dont even think they graduated, you can tell by the fact they couldnt read certain words and their writing was atrocious. My next door neighbor is a stay at home mom, raises her kids, they get their schoolwork done in 1.5 hours everyday and are all involved in the family side business after that. IMO thats more productive than playing tennins and socializing with a bunch of bored housewives with too much time on their hands. Hopefully that explains it
@@MJ98774 shouldn’t be forcing kids to help with the family business, it’s just slave labour. They should be in education it’s fundamental but modern educational system are terrible. Double edged sword.
My children didn't go to school and had total freedom growing up. They are now 20 and 23 and I have no regrets. They are the people they've chosen to be and I didn't give a shit how anyone around me felt about my choices in how I raised them. My kids don't have the emotional trauma all their children have. My kids were always allowed to speak their minds, they never had to argue with me to be heard. They are the best people I know and the only people I choose to be around to this day. I love that they don't tip toe, or hide themselves from anyone. They are the person I wish I could have been growing up, and still struggle to be. As John Holt once said, we raise our kids to not trust themselves, therefore we raise a society of confused overthinkers that go no further than another person's approval.
This made me feel better about the choice my partner and I have made in not sending our children to public school. Everyone around us tries to change our minds about it. I feel conflicted at times but I know deep down it’s for the best. And your testimony solidifies my gut feeling
I've noticed this in a few people, that they seem to be great with kids but not so much with adults. They suddenly lose interest as children grow up and adult relationships are too complicated for them.
Many parents only love their child as long as they can derive an ego boost from the relationship. And so, at the end of the day, it's the same thing as with friends. Self-centered people will be self-centered with their kids. People who are incapable to love will not love their children properly either.
@@tdang9528 He absolutely does not exaggerate at all in the slightest. He's using his own experience as examples. He's not saying every parent does every thing that he mentioned, he said nothing close to that. If you think this is really anywhere close to only 5% of parents you are horribly misinformed and mistaken. If you had good parents or know a good amount of people that do, cheers and please cherish your relationships... everyone always should regardless, but sometimes there's nothing you can do you haven't already tried and it's better to maintain some distance, however much you need to have a healthy relationship. That's all that matters ❤️
@@tdang9528it's very common and it happens in all kinds of households, because most parents are not very emotionally stable or mature. It's very rare for there to be 2 emotionally mature adults with a strong and healthy relationship raising a kid they both wanted and agreed on. Many kids are just oops babies.
"And the fallout of society becoming more violent, predatory and sociopathic than ever has nothing to do with my parenting style" said every worthless, grandiose, virtue signaling parent who would never have the honesty to admit what you said in this title.
“There's also no rule that states we're on a linear path toward a more or less violent society. New research published this month in the journal Nature Human Behaviour suggests human violence has waxed and waned throughout history.”
@@JeantheSecond-ip7qm I noticed that when resources become scare is when people get more greedy and corrupt. We're already there or on our way....times where there wasn't enough to go around in the past always sparked a lot of conflicts.
My mother never loved me. She only cared for me as a small child because she had to. She resented me big time. When I turned 12 she shunned me. I was literally on my own. No medical care, she was cold and never had any interest in me or my education. I got excellent grades to get her attention and it meant nothing. She kicked me out of the house at 17 and told me to go be an adult. Horrible parent.
Yep that's my dad. Completely absent emotionally and financially. I've called him out on it and he says it's not his fault. Now he wants me to take care of him and l'm like f*ck you. Never been happier to go no contact. And of course my family thinks I'm the problem lol.
This video is an absolute relief to hear… I’ve been telling myself over and over, ‘your dad loves you! Forgive him, yes it hurts, but don’t cut him off! Reach out again and again!’ All because I couldn’t admit that he just doesn’t really love me. Just admitting the truth is such a relief and a release. Most people would not want to say this, I’m really glad that you have.
Looks like the trolls are out in full force today. Definitely striking a nerve or two, Daniel. I guess that's the inevitable cost of uploading such painfully honest and thought-provoking content. So just to let you know that some of us deeply appreciate what you do. For us, your courage and commitment to unpleasant truth-telling is admirable and consoling. Thank you for that.
Why do you think we all should agree with him? Every vision of the world is distorted by experience, genes, worldview, environment, etc., his too of course. This man thinks that his vision is universal, which is enormous stupidity and egocentrism
@@karolinanie5946 Sure, anyone can have biases. Doesn't mean that someone's truths and personal experiences should be rejected if they aren't pleasant. You should view Daniel as someone with a lot of experience working with psychotherapy patients. He obviously views mental health problems through the lens of bad parenting. He is highly critical of family system structures, their inherent injustices, opression and abuse. That is important talk, because in our societies parents too often get away scot free for their misdeeds towards children.
@@niteshade2271 Okay, I'll simplify. Person in first comment made assumption that people who disagree with author of video are trolls. When this person posted, I didn't see a single troll comment. Just a few disagreements. So I'm saying we don't have to agree and that doesn't mean trolling. I hope now you understand. Sometimes I make mental shortcuts assuming everyone understands, my mistake
@@alexxx4434 But he won't reach those he should because he is too radical 😂 His videos collects crowds of wronged people, but not wrong ones. Also help should have something positive in it, but he keeps immersing himself and us into harm and pain, it's just too much
dude my neighbor had a child during the covid. she said, i have always wanted to have taurus child (it was her first), then she says yeah she is taurus like me. then i made the egregious error of telling her that her cute daughter looked like her daddy. i praise god, i am still alive after that. psycho mothers and absent abusive fathers are the worst.
This is EXACTLY what I’ve had to find out. The hard way. From parents and sibling. They don’t care about you, they care that you play the role you’ve been trained to play for them. Another great video 👏🏼
I've always told my children, "you are whole and complete exactly as you are. You were whole the moment you were born. You don't belong to anyone but yourself and need no one to validate your existence, not even me. I'll be here for you however you want/need me."
@@11Garrett11 No idea where you're coming from with that. My kids aren't responsible for my needs at all, and they are now adults living their own lives.
As a childfree person, I have never ONCE heard a person say anything pertaining to the child as to the reason why they want children. Top 2 answers I always get are "to have someone take care of me when I'm old" and "to give my life meaning." It is all about serving THEM, not anything about the child(ren). 😢
Yeah, people have children for selfish reasons. People grow up, buy a car, a house, a wedding, and they think of having a child as if it was that one more thing to add to their list of "haves". A long time ago I read an article that advised one should have children when they have everything and they're ready to start giving - because children take more than they give, people should have them out of abundance and not try to fulfill something that's missing. But the thing is that when you're truly at that place of abundance where you want to start giving, you don't need to have a child for that. Especially if you're a woman, you don't need to put your body through this, risk your health and maybe even life. You can just start giving - you can love animals, you can love your existing family and perhaps give back to your parents, or you can just give love and kindness to friends and strangers.
Why do you think people should have children ... If we thought about the children we'd probably never have them because what is life only ultimate pain and death but yet we find happiness along the way. It's all about the continuum. It's what we've done (and every animal has done) since the dawning of time. It's a mutual relationship that secures our species' survival.
I was adopted by great parents so my experience was very different. Not every scenario is the same. Yes I was very lucky. I asked my mother once, what if I had turned out to have had Down’s syndrome? She said, then that’s an opportunity to show more love. They both lived it, were older parents, and had a lot to give
@theeggtimertictic1136 Thank you, ONCE AGAIN, for yet another reason why people have children that have nothing to do with the child. Absolutely abhorrent. That is why so many children are walking this Earth unloved, neglected, and abandoned. All their parents care about is putting more bodies on this planet to continue this sh*t show of a society. 🤯
@@Childfree334 I've 3 girls. They're 25, 23 and 20. Not once have they questioned why they were born. They enhance society and are a bonus to the world. We have a mutually affectionate relationship. This is how it is and has been for millennia.
Many parents care about their children only so long as they can view those children as an extension of themselves. You can see in this behavior the roots of fascism, which is the same process at scale and brought to its brutal conclusions
The relationship between family structure and society strucure is in a feedback loop. And if would not say it's specific to fascism, but to authoritarianism and totalitatism in general.
You’re not wrong. I had two highly narcissistic parents, one of whom I suspect was a psychopath, and I had a neo-N@zi phase. It was brief and shallow; I never actually joined a movement, probably because I knew subconsciously that the church of toxic masculinity was no place for a girl. But it was in my heart. (It didn’t help that my parents were also Catholic and extremely r*cist.) Post-recovery, I knew it was tied somehow to the parental abuse. But I wasn’t sure how to put it into words. I suspect it’s because the fascist society resembles the loveless family I grew up in. Fascism is f’d up, evil, abusive, dominating, the strong cruelly ruling over the weak-and that, apparently, was what felt familiar to me and gave me those warm, fuzzy feelings of nostalgia tinged by Stockholm Syndrome. I don’t think there’s a single member of an extremist group today who doesn’t have serious parental wounds, and society’s unwillingness to admit the fact that not all parents are saints is directly contributing to and nurturing this cancer. It for damn sure ain’t the schools that are teaching kids this kind of hatred, and the Internet can only radicalise what’s already there.
@@2012jordie thanks for sharing. i'm sorry about your earlier experiences and glad you were able to grow out of your phase. your observation is extremely on point about how extremist groups are made up of people who are groomed in authoritarian family environments
My mother said she did not like children, only her own. And she hated "whiny children". Seemingly everywhere I heard the parental incantation, "Having children is the best thing in my life", and was sceptical. Didn't look that way to me. Didn't feel that way either. I have never regretted remaining child-free.
But if the fact that you never had children and family of your own is due to her behavior, then it is not really liberation but being under her control.
@@marcinwolnik3518 Observing someone's behaviour, and choosing to do the opposite is not being under their control. If I see someone falling down drunk so I choose to never drink, I am not under that person's control. The most credit you can give them is that they served as a good example of what NOT to be.......The world is full of good and bad role models. They don't control us, they teach us.
You’ll regret it on your death bed. Most do so I’ll take the gamble you will be sorry you allowed someone else to dictate your life Isn’t a woman’s main purpose to have children?
I think a better description is the parent views the child as an extension of themselves and when the child turns out to be the individual they are and don't live up to the ideas and dreams the parents had.
When children are really young, it's not even like raising a person, it's like raising an animal. Feed, play around with little toys, put to sleep, clean up diapers, etc. You don't really become a "person" with stable thoughts, feelings, and a worldview until you're like 5+. The stages of development are so relevant here and most parents want nothing to do with the later stages of development. At 5 years old you are sent off to government schools to be raised by strangers for most of the day, or put in front of the TV to be raised by the media.
I don't totally agree with this. Yes their personality is still forming but they already start showing who they are after like 1. I remember my little daughter wanting to play with mommy and baby animals before she was 2 and when she grew up, she was an overly empathetic person. My son was so curious at one, always pointing to things and wanting to know what they were and how things worked. They are human beings at birth and deserve respect. Some of the comments here are so painful to hear, so sorry.
Wow. Daniel, you still seem really sad about your childhood, and my heart breaks for you. There are certainly more crappy parents than good ones, but it must be so hard to raise a child unless you're a very stable and loving person. And there aren't too many of those around. So few adults are really able to love without possessiveness, to know when to guide and when to step back. As they say, hurt people hurt. And as you say, there's nothing in this world more vulnerable than a little child. Blessings, my friend, your videos are so honest, and you can see by the comments how many people are being helped by them. 🎉
Yup My mum loved me when i could be her little "dolly", something she could use as a vessel for her to try and undo the abuse of her childhood ... Dressing me in clothes she wanted to wear, buying me gifts that she liked, steering me into being a mini version of her but she was unable to stop repeating her learned abusive behavior. but when i grew into a real human and started to say "stop being violent" "stop being a bully" thats when, without hesistation, she revoked her love. Never owning her own deep rooted guilt (she knows shes abusive deep down) Wrapping it up and sending it first class to me ("stop being so mean!!!"), ("oh i bet you wish i was dead so you can dance on my grave!!!") I send it back. I send it all back. I was a good kid i dont think i ever brought any trouble to her or our home. Lord knows i could sense that she couldnt handle any of my problems anyway.
The ultimate failure of so many parents is that they have not healed their childhood traumas and fully grown mature themeselves, before becoming parents... And this repeats from generation to generation. Real tragedy.
This puts into words something Ive observed as a woman who has chosen to be child free. People have told me i will never know real love because i have not had children. This confused me so much for so many reasons. It's so contradictory. It's because they didn't understand i could love myself just as unconditionally as a child could.
@@alexxx4434 and how many parents learn to love themselves unconditionally before they have kids? A very small percentage. Most parents have kids because they want someone to control or because they're lonely or bored of their lives. So they are lying because they're incapable of actually seeing their child as an individual. Children are only children for a tiny portion of their lives. Pretty soon they're adults with their own autonomy and if their perspective clashes with the parents that's when their "love" shows to be conditional as it always was. I'm 34 and my mom still doesn't know me (or treat me) as a person. They get offended that you're no longer an extension of them. Like you're a puppet or a pet. It's extremely hurtful. Most women who say "my children are my life" are the most narcissistic people watch their kids go no contact as adults.
I'm forever child free not because I wouldn't be a good parent but because I care about my kid too much to bring them into this messed up world only for them to resent me. Plus being your own person without the responsibility of kids is awesome. 🤸🏻♀️
@Ouranos369 I'm sorry you have to go thru that. I hope you find the love within that always felt like it was missing from without. My parents weren't horrible but I definitely didn't feel close to them, so I searched for that love outside too and fell into that trap. I just didn't have kids to try to fill the hole. I thought a man would do it. But a man can leave when a child cannot. Painful lessons but ones I'm glad to have learned, without having to make another person in the process.
@@underated17if you look at society it does hate children…education systems force you into a box, peadophila is becoming the norm, “grow up” is said left right a centre, hell were told were adults at 18 which is a complete lie, don’t behave like a child. This persons statement is correct.
Children are hated the most. After animals, children are the most disrespected creature on the planet. Imagine how much better society would be if the first commandment read LOVE THY CHILDREN
@@underated17 NOBODY IS SAYING ALL CHILDREN THERE ARE ALWAYS PEOPLE LIKE YOU MAKING THIS STUPID COMMENT WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? THE COMMENT GOT 45 LIKES PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ALL OF US WHY WE ARE WRONG
I sometimes wish parents didn’t tell their children they loved them, as much as they showed them. Idk I just feel like with people I actually love I don’t have to say “I love you”. Just like I don’t constantly tell my friends “I like you” cause that would be weird. It’s assumed that if we’re friends, we like eachother enough. If you love someone, they’ll feel it. Saying it constantly feels like an overcompensation
In a large number of non-Western cultures, this is the default. The thing is, they tend to go way the other way and seldom offer kind words to their kids or ever say "I love you", and then kids grow up thinking "wow, he never said he loved me" (my observation of friends from such cultures, media figures from such cultures, and my observation of online discourse among people from those cultures) There definitely is a balance to be struck. I think small kids need to hear it, because they aren't analytical enough to infer love from loving actions (ex: taking the day off to take the child out for ice cream, surprising the child with a toy, giving the child a hug at random). Beyond that, I don't know how often one really needs to say it
True it's like "show don't tell" in stories, show love and nurturing towards the child don't tell the child you "love and nurture" them but besides that there is not much wrong in saying "I love you" to your child in fact most people I know haven't heard that from their parents
Certainly the actions need to match the words....but sometimes it is appropriate to say those words. If said too often, they lose meaning but there are times when that declaration can be helpful in a person's life.
How Harry and Meghan are treated brought my awareness level for this much much higher. Just the sheer amount of parents saying 'How dare you ever feel wronged by me' rather than taking some accountability is astounding. If you wanted your children to like you and not talk about you then maybe you should have treated them better.
I'm a writer, and one of my favorite comics is a girl at a book signing for her published book. The book was called "My Crappy Life." Her parents were standing in front of the signing table looking embarrassed and frustrated. The girl's face was stone. The caption under the picture said, "If we knew you were going to become a writer, we would have treated you better." OH YES! Accountability? You want accountability from a parent? Lol no. YOU have to be accountable for all the "bad things" you did, but a parent? I guess we'll all keep dreaming, and I'll keep working on my book.
@@spacegirl226 love your description of that comic, and I identify with it so much. I had short nonfiction and other writing published, and I’ve also done podcasting. My parents have said to me to be careful about the things I write and say about my childhood, because it’s a reflection on them. That would have been a useful thought for them to have before they decided to be abusive, neglectful, and hostile toward me and my siblings. I mean, if they didn’t want any of their children to grow up to talk about the trauma they caused, then they should have done more to not traumatize them.
Harry most definitely. But Meghan? I'll leave Meghan out of this because she's absolutely and hatefully dysfunctional. But yes, Harry has been relegated to second best all his life. You can't do that to a kid, it's cruel. No wonder he's shouting his mistreatment from the rooftops. It doesn't make me like him, although I can empathise with him.
@VMM34 Not just the "spare" bit, it was also the claims that he was the product of his mother having an affair. I'm sure the schoolboys threw that in his face. Then the trauma of her death... how did he have a chance to turn out without major issues?
@@cjplx That makes sense. Though a 19 year old is an adult, it is young enough to still idealize one's parents, or to still not yet realize how badly they screwed up
Because birth creates a Trauma Bond to parents and this world... most people will never be able to break that Bond... Trauma Bond aka Stockholm Syndrome aka the Battered wife Syndrome.
“I would give my life for you, my child” could also be interpreted as “you need to be grateful to me for giving you life and raising you. You owe me respect and obedience no matter what.” They will say they would do anything for you when you are little, but once you start to form a sense of self, personality and temperament are expressed, strengths and weaknesses are revealed … and if you aren’t what they thought you would be, you’re “difficult, bad, rebellious, ungrateful, disrespectful, etc.” Some people really think love equals blind obedience and compliance with the will of the parent, regardless of how the parent treats them.
Some parents do so many things so that you have to "return the favor." My mom didn't go out of her way to do things for me out of love, she did it so that she could be thanked and praised. I know this because when I was older she would say I wasn't grateful enough. If I opened presents without getting excited, she would say how it wasn't as fun as when I was little. She would say "I love you, but..." any time I did something she didn't like. She would go out of her way to do things people didn't ask for, then get resentful when they didn't do the same for her. She never learned that you can't make people do anything. What you can do is match the energy and effort people put into you, and let go of people who won't. That's something I learned in my 20s. My mom was starving for love, but that wasn't because other people didn't love her, it was probably because she didn't love herself and didn't take care of her own needs. I didn't ask her to sacrifice herself and would have been happier if she had put herself first more often, because then her love for me would not have had so many obligations attached.
OH THANK GOD someone will articulate this. Thank you Daniel Mackler for your service to humanity. It's unbelievable the amount of emotional learning that has to happen before we can see the truth about our parents, how messed up they were and how they didn't mean well. You are such a help with all this stuff.
Thanks Daniel. I realized a long time ago that my family does not and did not love me. I was in my very early twenties when I said this to a therapist. Grateful I could tell myself the truth.
I can relate. My parents were great role models for showing me what not to do when raising my own children. When a narcissistic parent tells a young child they care about them a lot and just want them to know that, the child innately knows that's a red flag. Unfortunately, it took me half my life to put the whole mosaic together and see my parents for who they really are.
The moment you stop being an order taker and yes-man, alot of people will start to dislike you. many, still to this day dont understand that people can adapt and learn new things..
You see this overrepresented in elementary school teachers as well. Even if they are genuinely very kind there is a creepy, invasive element to how teachers are conditioned to act towards classrooms of kids because they are de-individualized out of necessity.
Ouch. This reminds me of when my mom would tell me “I HOPE YOU HAVE A CHILD JUST LIKE YOU” because of me behaving like A CHILD (kids are annoying, let’s be real) and confronting her about things I don’t understand… and she would hit me whenever I would say “I hope I do because then I would know how to handle them”…. 😢 My mom should have never had kids. She had her own trauma she should have sorted through first that she probably never will. She basically took her childhood trauma out on me.
My mother has never even bothered pandering to me with lines like 'I would do anything for you give my life to you'.. She's the most glib and non-refelecting person ever
Totally relate to this video. My parents would use my own death as a way to serve themselves. It already occurred when my brother died. I saw how they self-served throughout the whole thing.
@@booshank2327 When our mother died, my sister would not let me have any input in to the planning of the funeral. After the funeral I found out she arranged a luncheon...and I wasn't invited.....to my own mom's funeral lunch. It was all about Sis. She wanted all the condolences for herself.
Damn dude, you're on it as usual. I'd add "toy", "pet", and in extreme cases, "slave" to the role children serve some parents. I'd also add that parents, in the back of their minds and depth of their hearts do have some inkling of the fact they don't fully love their children. Anytime there's denial of truth involved then there's awareness of the truth being denied. Real love has no opposite. It's either present or absent.
And odds are that if there are several kids in the family, only one kid will be a "Daniel," and the others will remain firmly embedded in the whole deranged parent/kid relationship.
@@aena5995 Same here. Older sister became narc just like Mom. I was scapegoat. It almost cost me my life due to the physical and mental effect on me but I got out and as a result of my 'abandoning the family' I was ostracized, and disinherited. Be prepared to financially support yourself. Surround yourself with good friends but refrain from marriage until you have had LOTS of therapy. I made a mistake of marrying an abuser. You see, you don't know what NORMAL is and you can easily fall for anything that appears to be love...but isn't. So get financially independent, move as far away as possible, get counselling, and establish friendships. Good luck! I did it and so can you! (I divorced the abusive guy, and I will stay single).
@@l.5832same almost exactly! Except my sisters are okay, still a bit traumatized themselves, but we have an ok relationship. But I also was with an abuser and had a child with him, and have been in extensive therapy for so many years! CPTSD is a hell of a burden to carry, and a lifetime of abuse seems almost impossible to overcome at some points, to just feel...okay with living. I haven't spoken to my parents for many years, and have never had any type of support. In fact they even stole my college fund given to me from my grandparents! I guess the comfort in all of this is seeing how many people understand what you're going through, which is a tragedy in itself. ❤
I was raised with a very immature mother that never got to be a child herself took me some time to understand why she was not a mother to none of her 3 kids. Being a mother to her was feeding us and having a home never got to really know none of us.
My depression is a shadow play that started with "acting out". I wanted to demonstrate my deep unhappiness with a "long face". When this failed to get useful attention, my strategy became more desperate and demonstrative, Then I started believing there indeed was something "wrong with me" (because the fault could not be with the person who professed to love me).
My dad and I had a great relationship conveniently until I was about 6-7. Right around the time when I started having emotional reactions to how he was treating me and my mom. Right around the time when I started having my own opinions. Realizing that he actually didn’t really like me at all
My father treated me the same way. My father doesn’t mind caring for actual babies but once I turned 6/7 he stopped caring & completely checked out emotionally. 20+ years later & nothing has changed. Over time he has convinced me that he does in fact hate me….Stay strong
@@pod9363 I mean I have children and I know that they love me because I'm useful to them. It isn't a bad thing, so no need to have an excuse. I like to be useful to those that I love.
@@The-Oneness11 well hopefully a child can love the parent for more than just their providing. Hopefully the kid loves the person they are, which is someone who respects their boundaries, is interested in them as a person, etc. Like a very good friend.
They saw me slowly killing myself with porn, booze, and drugs and ignored it. Luckily, I learned to be there for myself as a strong inner parent. A loving and firm attitude of - knock it off, I love you, but you are gonna stop harming yourself immediately. No more unhealthy coping mechanisms, no dissociating. More and more, I realize I'm allowed to love myself unconditionally. As that happens, the conditions have really gotten better!
@@Misses-Hippy To me it means looking at yourself and accepting yourself good and bad in a healthy way and not viewing yourself with a filter of contempt like your parent did. It's loving yourself the way a healthy parent would and accepting that not having been given grace as a child we can give ourselves that grace (peace) in the now.
@@ellyk8834 I can experience happiness only with remedies, pure love only with my dog, and comfort only in isolation. The rest I gave up on years ago, just gave into the angst, panic and shame.Very low profile (except here).
My mom was way more broken and abused than I ever was so I don't blame her. But some people definitely don't deserve to have children. I'm acknowledging that and choosing not to have kids of my own
I want to adopt once I have a partner. I'll try everything in my power to let that kid be a real person who deserves respect as their own person. I'm guessing it's impossible to be perfect but I will sure try my best.
What you said about your mom twisting the narrative if you were to kill yourself hits home... the only reason I'm still here is because I can't let that demon outlive me and be the martyr super mom to other people
Please don't despair. God loved us so much that he became a man (Jesus), suffered and died to save us from sin and all its consequences. Three days later rose again, proving he is worthy of our trust. Being loved by God is far greater than anything else this world has to offer!
"he was afflicted by mental illness and he has died and poor me" so true. one of the reasons to keep fighting to keep living is to prove people wrong and put them in their place. Also, parents viewing children as farm animals, they can also view them as Robots and computers. My dad literally told me I'm the "final model" like a computer, that's "taller stronger smarter faster" than my older brothers. Some kind of materialistic final gen machine
That sounds really sad, like they kept having kids till they got the one they wanted. It is natural for parents to get better (at molding or parenting) with the later kids than the first one or two, they have more experience but it still is kinda dumb to be so blunt about it to your own child.
just to clarify, my dad was actially saying this to a friend while I was around. No child is actually ever good for toxic parents, because of double binds, humans cannot be simultaneously two contradictory things at once. And he said it to his friend probably as a joke and analogy but with truth to it. Mind you, me with my sistee eventually pressed charges against him and I was scapegoated by my brothers, so I am far from any ideal child this parent would want. I dont want to think about this but he wasn't acrually complimenting me of course, and I won't be reduced down to an inanimate object even a technical machine to be used.
I've come to the realization that parents (and I think to some degree all parents) see their children as personal property. In my opinion this flaw in the parent child relationship and the fact that is forces children to develop Stockholm Syndrome is the cause of so much (likely all) of the world's problems (both now and throughout human history).
A school cop told my friend who was being beaten and abused at home that he "is his parent's property" and that there's nothing the law can do to help him. Completely changed the trajectory of my life and opinions honestly. The brutality in that statement, in telling that to someone so young and impressionable, to someone who you are there to help with legal matters that regular school counsellors can't. A bastard of a man. Even convinced the middle school to get a school cop as well. Basically, what I'm saying is that legally, children ARE their parent's personal property; we just need to completely change that part of our legal system.
@@trinleywangmo It is true: biologically speaking, a species' continued existence does not require the best mental health. Nature is pretty forgiving. (When my back hurts, I comfort myself by thinking, that's how it's still able to function at all, under imperfect conditions; I'd rather it hurt and still basically work than not hurt and not work at all.) But I will personally strive for better mental health (and back health) and be critical of familial cultural flaws that are used to pressure my behavior.
This is so timely. Thank you for this, and for the work you do. As Integration of the trauma occurs through this never-ending work, there is no guilt for my parents being alone and distant. They really always were anyhow. The difference now is they can't f*** with me any longer. I've unsubscribed.
They absolutely want you to self end. She can set the narrative and play victim all at the same time. I knew that by the time I left grade school and it's why I will never succumb to self ending. I love the "she wouldn't die for me, she wouldn't even get honest for me" - ouch truth.
I look at a cousin of mine. She was so keen to have her third child when she could barely be bothered to look after the first two! She doesn’t cook for her children who live on junk food and are overweight (not her though!). Their internet use is not limited even though they are young. There’s just a lack of any real care or concern, a casual neglect and disinterest. I think it’s quite common.
Several of my old friends were hopelessly stuck in this dynamic. When their mothers died, in reality, their abusers died. But they were just broken little boys in the bodies of grown men who were finally able to mourn a mother who wasn't really there in the way a mother should be. So, by the woman passing, they were able to pretend she had been better than what she really was. One even died of a drug overdose soon after his mother's drug overdose. The other one just never says anything bad about his anymore, even though when she was alive, I never heard a good word about her and she hurt him and left him homeless and unsupported for years while alive.
Nothing real left to break the idealised version of the parent in the imagination. We carry parental idealization since our birth, it's almost an instinctual thing.
Thanks Daniel for sharing. I totally agree and resonate with your experience - never a truer word spoken. Keep shining light in all those dark places. 😊
Honesty & transparency does not exist with my parents. I have called them both out about their disrespectful communication and the deficiency of emotional intelligence.... and rejection always ensued. They cannot look at themselves as anything outside of their own perspectives and psuedu imagery. My step-mother literally compared me to the child killer in the movie "The Bad Seed!" I cannot believe you just stated this before my eyes! That was the end of me trying to get her to love me. It took me most of my life to finally say it, but, once I told her that she does not love me as she claims & does not even like me...and that it was okay because I love me-I have had a peace upon my existence like never beforehand. I am respectful, but I keep my distance. It is safer outside the presence of irrationally motivated people.
i love these videos. it's just really really nice for my inner child to be validated, and told that her concerns, observations, emotions were absolutely right. she was right, and her parents were wrong.
It takes years and years to understand ... or feel firmly, that the love our parents show us ( or don't show us) is far from perfect, and we belong only to ourselves. It liberates you though, and we can become better people for knowing the difference between superficial love and true love.
In knowing that our parents were human beings, it helps us to not feel so guilty about our own shortcomings and “human beingness”. I feel confident that if we care, we are doing our best to show that and that’s what is important. No parent is going to be perfect and that is a liberating thing to know.
@@patrickmccutcheon8860 Parent's can not only be far from perfect, but deliberately harmful and manipulative. If one doesnt absolutely need to detach from their own parents in order to survive, one will never understand just how "human" parents are.
In my observation, the analogy of children being livestock is very accurate. Some parents only have children to meet societal expectations. I feel very sad for those children as they are simply invisible orphans.
It’s all a lie, but I never even got the “I love you” lie. This kind of parent is empty, they have a stone for a heart and do not love. I’m glad you recognized and accepted that “mean” is a redefining word from those who are sadistically inclined and suffering like a slave exists in this modern world and a child is hurt by the person they trust the most. When people say it’s not the norm I don’t believe it, it’s more the norm than we know because it’s not talked about. I hate those people who lie, cheat and steal and that is more the truth than anything else in this society. So thank you for your time, honesty and videos, we must continue the conversation as to unveil and reveal all that is hidden to liberate the soul, the child imprisoned, the terror from the terrorist, and restore the mind, body and everything else that can’t hurt us anymore.
Mine! Right here, my mom used to pretend her kids mattered the MOST to her. As an adult i can see the absolute BS of this....it is absolutely a hate thing once you speak up and call her out. My brother and sister both have done this and she cut them out. Her favorite thing to say when we were younger was, "mess with my kids you mess with me," which is so ironic now because she has no relationship with her adult kids. She's always the victim. It doesn't matter what any of us say or share with her about ourselves or how we feel, she's always the one that ends up hurt and everyone else is wrong. She's a master guilt tripper. I'm slowly working towards estranging myself completely but it's hard. My dad is her enabler and I don't want to hurt him. Its tough.....😢
I enjoy what you have to say. As someone knocked around by a drunk father and humiliated by a drunk mother in front of her drinking friends when I was 3 to 6 y.o. I can relate. They both taught me to intensely hate at such a young age. I think it's important to keep in mind that well-adjusted people don't make the oligarcs money and that from the top down self-understanding has been redacted from mainstream sources when it should be at the top of the topic list.
This video is one of those where you have the sense of exactly what you are explaining but it never reached a fully concretized manner before. You just concretized it.
How very true. I've had toxic family members tell me the same thing, and it made me feel sick to my stomach. "I love you so much I would give my life for you." They say it about the projected image, because they know it doesn't exist, and thus have no actual danger to them or need to give their life. ;)
Many parents are not even aware of the fact that their job is temporary. That their function is to work their asses off to raise a person who is so well adjusted that they can live 💯 without them. Most parents don't want to accept this fact of parenting and that's why they subconsciously try to break the child in some small way so that they need them forever.
A lot of parents don't respect their children's boundaries.
I think a lot of parents had their boundaries disregarded as children, so as adults, they have no idea how to properly enforce boundaries in their own families.
pedos
@@deadparrot5953 Then they should NOT HAVE CHILDREN. My mother was an abuser and did not respect boundaries. I made the decision to not have children because I knew I had no good role model of what a good mother was. I was not going to pass down the abuse.
I was raised in a fundamentalist religion, Children having boundaries is not even a concept. Children are property! not human beings but property!
Major understatement, also goes along with the egotistical parent going out of their way to embarrass the child.
A somatic healer once told me, “The reason unloving parents get away with it for so long is we, their children, love them more (than they love us).” I finally walked away from a deeply abusive family member. Respect for you and this channel.
this is so true and ive always thought this that children and so forgiving and loving towards parents more than they are to us, way more
Really true! In my case it was my sister I loved who didn't love me we've been broken up 3 years and I'm only now realizing the woman I see who hates me is the true her and I stayed years on end trying to gain her love & sisterhood and a bit of my mom's approval too as they're tied together in my trauma case yet if I'd heard this younger it may've aided me in accepting the truth I already knew when I was 8 that they infact didn't love me they may've had degrees of care for me which is debatable on how much and when yet it was fickle, in short supply, and over all not a common element and care and love are two separate things.
🙏🏽
@@RitaLynn444 🙏🤍
Dang, your healer dropped some powerful insight there. Whoa.
Children clinging to their parent's dysfunctional love is also idealized by society. That's ''Family values'' alright.
Family values do not exist in modern capitalist spaces. It's an anti commie slogan to bolster support of capitalism which has decimated the family and reduced it to nuclear proportions. Most people cannot cope in anyway when approached by family. Family values are important for a healthy society, modern man is devoid of them in pursuit of the hyper-individual
Here in Africa, especially for men and boys, We do not cling to them parents. We just appriciate them by visiting them once in a while to check if they are still healthy and alive. Thats all.
@@chrismwangi7420 Sounds healthy.
@@chrismwangi7420This is the way! I am half asian and parents are put on a pedestal in my culture.
As soon as an adult child starts to set some boundaries, they get accused of being “ungrateful”
@@SallyAlmitogaslighting doesn’t need a culture behind it to be gaslighting
Most parents merely try to love themselves through their kids
More often they hate their own projected reflection in the kids.
So so true. 💯
@@alexxx4434that is true as well!!! 💯
@@alexxx4434 For sure. Both of my parents would harshly punish me if I acted like them, if my face had a similar tic as theirs or a similar tone in my voice arose. They hated themselves and I was supposed to save them from that I guess. Almost hilarious if you think about it lmao
Yes, coz kids are, to parents, extensions of the parents.
So we think parents are gonna love a kid as a real individual? If they were to do that they'd have been ok loving just any person that already exist tbh
also society cares a lot less about children than they think they do. whenever a child complains about an abusive parent , what does society tell the child or now adult? you have to forgive your parents! but their your parents! but you have to honor your parents! they never say oh, your parents were wrong and unfair towards you. they never validate the child, they almost always defend the parent.....
No one in this society gets validated, absolutely no one. What happens when you experience something horrific and want to just share your painful emotions and thoughts for once??? "Go to therapy." will be their immediate and ignorant answer. And they call themselves your friend, sibling, partner whatever.. Even human connection and a simple conversation gets capitalized. No one wants to listen or be "burdened" by other's problems. As long as they're not fuckable of course... THEN people are the kindest and will get out of their way till they get what they "worked" for. There are no real conversations anymore, no genuinly supportive communities..
@@Apricot90 youre not wrong
@@Apricot90 parents do get validated though, parenthood is sacred in society. my mother has complained about me because shes a narcissist and was on a smear campaign against me in my childhood and everyone validated her including my father and brothers. they all came against me for her. when parents complain people listen. they then say the child is a bad seed or something to that effect.
I figured society stopped giving af about the kids when the wave of child labor laws started to get loosened up. Now we got a these little bastards working full time at UPS on school nights just so their parents can take that check
So so true
even 26 years later my mom still doesnt know me at all as a person and has never come even close
She wont need to, coz ur merely an extension of herself. She needs to turn you into her, not to know u
@@birdieculture thats very true in my experience
I feel this aswell. 37 years and still barely understands what i like. Oldest brother gets treated with respect even though their relationship shallow. I see her everyday and i feel like a burden most of the time when i just try to converse.
Same here. I'm 38 and was trapped until a couple years ago in my parents' fantasy of me. Oh by, do I have the feeling of having lost those 10 last years... But since I'm reading this I have a feeling you won't let yourself drag down for too long. I wish you the best!
@@allthe1 i appreciate it and same to you!
I've realized that most people, literally like 99% of people I've observed, for them being a parent is the only time they've felt real power in their lives. Being able to control someone smaller than them is the only real power they feel. I've met like 2 parents I can say actually care for the well being of their children over what the children provide for them.
Interesting insight. You can certainly say that many parents are power tripping maniacs, and get gratification from controlling someone.
Whew! ABSOLUTE FACTS! 🎯
Wow. These are really good points.
I never thought about that. You're right. It's like having a pet. ❤️
Hold on so you are saying that 99 percent of people do not care about their children and other family members? That is a very bold and depressing statement. I don’t see how this could be true. What a false statement I am sorry but just because some people have some bad experiences does not mean that you can generalize like this.
No shit. If parents actually cared about their children, the world wouldn't be such a fucked up place.
Exactly
yeah 100% right
couldnt agree more
I get the feeling most parent face parenthood like a social obligation, they take pride of themselves if they could manage to spend money on their children (instead of themselves) so they "sacrificed" themselves and now expect their children to sacrifice for them....validation, attention and emotional support are completely out of the equation.
Hey, who really had the idea of having children? Are children's fault to be born or the other way around?
If parents actually cared about their children, the world wouldn't have humans point blank period.
thats the reason i didn't choose suicide. i will never allow them to control the narrative of my life or what they did to me
I truly thank you for this comment. I needed this.
That’s actually a really beautiful reason. ❤ I’m so happy for you.
I also chose to survive and thrive to spite my parents
you can commit suicide as a statement against your parents (and society). Or, yes, you can try to thrive in spite of your parents (and society).......The latter is perhaps the most difficult one. Lately I start seeing committing suicide almost as a big critique on how society is organised and the lack of power to change it..probably the reason why it `s such a big taboo
Heh this comment reminded of me of someone in the depression ward saying how at this point theyre living out of spite. Yeah I wouldnt want my parents controlling that narrative either. They already do so much.
My parents raised me in a high control religion. They made sure that I knew I was second to their faith. When I left, I was 26 and had spent 10 years of my life working for the church. Broke, no education, no good job skills. They withdrew all support, hoping that destitution would cause me to go back to the faith. Six years later I have had near 0 contact with them and my life has never been better.
Congratulations.
Jehovah's witnesses I guess 😅
I have an almost identical story. I left my family's religion 5 years ago and haven't spoken to my aunt's uncle's parents, brother or sister or grandparents, with the exception of one granddad. In 5 years. It's been hard in some ways but overall it's been the best 5 years of my life.
This is so hopeful to read.
Would love to know how you made it through what I assume was a scary transition through the loss of your family, loss of financial support, and loss of familiarity, to a good life today
Bad parenting is unfortunately so much more common than good parenting. My mother is loving and generous, and I was totally confused that most of my childhood friends had psycho mothers. I'd ask my friends what's wrong with your mother, and they'd say that's just how she is.
I'm so glad you have a good Mom. It makes all the difference.
From what I notice most people have adequate parents.
same story with me, my mom always gave me + continues to give unconditional love and support without expecting anything in return and it was baffling to me how other mothers treated their children. what’s funny though is all of my friends had amazing fathers while mine was alright at best, emotionally unavailable and abusive at worst. can’t have it all ig
@@mavohq Yeah, I didn't have a good father.
It's mom's who suffered trauma from their own mom's. No one worked on healing..and their trauma trickles down onto their kids.
You matter until it collides with their priorities. Then yours will be sacrificed, no matter how basic and nessecary they may be.
My mother said " Kids cramp your style".
And how would they rank with your priorities ?
@@debbiewilder4738 I'm not sure me having any priorities of my own was even a passing thought. My sheer existence was an inconvenience outside their demands. I'm pretty sure I was only fed and clothe, to sent to school, so that they wouldn't get arrested. They both made it very to clear to me, that they knew the legal lines/boundaries were. Period.
Perfectly said.
@@anita10674 The question isn't a reasonable one.
How can a kid's basic and necessary needs not be met without it being abuse by default. That includes emotional needs. And it sounds like yours were clearly not met.
So no need to defend yourself here.
I started seeing less my parents, like once a month.
I was on the phone with my mom an hour ago. She was complaining that I needed to visit them more. She openly said, "Whatever happened happened, we did best we could as parents, and you need to accept it and come more often to make us happy."
I feel like a toy, pet, or some sort of comfort object. Not like a person. I hope I can get my selfness after 38 years of age. I don't have much hope.
Tell her happiness is an inside job
You deserve happiness for yourself. You could not make them "happy" if you tried--they are inauthentic and using you. You have permission from this community to distance yourself from their toxicity and focus on your own healing!!! It can happen!
I was parentified so bad that at some point (as I started to heal) I felt less desire to call my mom. Then I took care of her because of a surgery and she insulted me. She refused to apologise. When I told her I could just leave her alone when she disrespects me, she called me selfish. After all the sacrifises I did for her she called me selfish because I refused to be disrespected. It hurt like hell. I felt so unseen in my endless efforts for her, it was crazy. After my job was done I stopped calling her. Once I called she yelled at me "i could have already died". My desire to call her went down to zero. Some parents really think they have a right to demand a relationship. As if they are entitled to you until they die. Love is a child of freedom. Wanting to see and call someone is the result of a good relationship.
The MOST important job in the world and this "they did the best they could" excuse would never fly in any other situation.
I get pulled over by a cop for drunk driving, and I say "officer, I did the best I could"...he'd laugh in my face as I got cuffed and arrested.
You get called into a job for a perfomance review and say "I'm doing the best I can" and they'll say get your numbers up or else you're gone.
But with parenting? They'll always minimize the fact they were horrible parents and its up to YOU to correct it.
Classic parentification.
Thank you for the replies.
My parents were let down big time by their parents, and they were parentified, too. I can't believe how helpful my father and two aunts are to my narcissistic, overcontrolling, child beating, abusive grandmother. In their mind, they just want the same thing, I'm not even abused as much as they are. I'm the one breaking this cycle, this family system. This kinda hurts, too.
I think children are a victory lap for the parent, an opportunity for them to replay their past in an idealized way. When the child tries to find independence the parent rebukes, doing anything they can to put up rails to their life. It's gross and objectifying, normalized by society as if it's somehow reasonable.
Great observation.
My mom would take it very personally if I didn't want to wear the clothes she picked out or play the sport she wanted me to play, it was just easier to give in and do what she wanted instead of endure the pouting. My sister had a stronger backbone and could pout just as much as mom, so she got more leeway.
As a childless person, I'm not seen as an adult simply because I can nap when I get a headache, I like my partner, and spend time bug hunting with the neighbors kid. I'm selfish and immature for having the time to do those things.
I always told my 5 year old
“Mom and Dad know a lot, and we want to teach you a lot. But everyone in this world is not perfect, even us. If you see us doing something we tell you not to do, tell us. We need to help each other sometimes.”
If you give their voice and presence a real and valuable purpose within the house I find the relationship so much more peaceful.
And meaningful and unselfish. You are a good parent who treats their child like a human being. This guy acts like we all treat our kids like its 1845. He should get over his trauma and anger at his parents before trying to give any useful advice. Aren’t we all human beings here? We’re all doing our best. I feel like deep down my parents do love me, even if sometimes they have done selfish or wrong things. And I love my girlfriend and our boy with all my heart, unselfishly and without any ego. Truly, deeply, all encompassing love and respect. No “you’re my kid and need to know your place” shit.
@@patrickmccutcheon8860 My father beat the ever loving shit outta me when I messed up. At the time I despised him but now I’m closer to him because I understand, in his imperfections why he did it and where his intentions came from. No one knows how to parent out the gate, you only have your own clumsy take on it with what your parents did as a reference and sometimes it’s a shit bench mark.
@@patrickmccutcheon8860 ofcourse there are many, many good parents too. But I think he just want to open up some taboos. His opinion and experience about parenting is not often heard or spoken of in an honest manner.
I once asked my dad if he has washed his hands before cutting a watermelon (we were learning about handwashing at school) I got hit, told I have no right to speak to an adult like that and also got no watermelon.
I find it amazing that a child's soul knows so well what indignity is
oh it does, for sure. and it learns resentment.
Exactly that. As a kid it's like you absorb it. You hear the words of care and love, but you never feel them. Humans don't need many years on this earth to know what neglect and falsities are. It's subconsciously embedded, they know.
@@bunnywavyxx9524some peole will never konow Ur.. The, just live in Modus.. that they don't know..
I'm the middle child of 5 siblings, and we're all 3 years apart. Tells me pretty much everything I need to know about why my parents had so many kids. Mom wanted babies, and threw the toddlers to be raised by the siblings, who usually ended up just being bullies because they were acting out their anger toward being abandoned in favor of the next baby.
Wow, that clicks with what my Mother did. She always said that she loved children. But I guess it was only small and dependent toddlers that she loved.
Can you imagine how the Duggar children must truly feel?
Even that statement is false considering the early years are the hardest and most changing. You are constantly tending to someone who is not remotely reasonable. Women who self promote themselves as loving children are in fact borderline/ narcs who cannot actually form a bond with children and use them as control leverage in a marriage. Love for the marriage bond creates love for your children. Most materialistic Americans are devoid of both
@@louis-vd3ur So true…and as an American I am saddened to acknowledge this…but you have summed up our society well.
Yup, that "new car smell" of a toddler always wears off, and that "little bundle of joy" ends up being sh-t talked and a nuisance from then on.
This is true. Same with siblings to. You tell a sibling a parent is abusing you? It’s “you’re making it up” “you’re a liar” “I don’t believe you” “you have a mental problem and you need to seek help”
The family system is complete bullshit.
Told my cousin my mother was abusive. His response was HOW DARE YOU! He has given me the silent treatment. This family is so f*cked up. He was the first relative I have disclosed this to and that's the response. Everyone rallies around the abuser and protects them at all costs. Speak up and you are ostracized.
@@l.5832 oh yea! Trust me I understand! My sister was also abused... my aunt before she passed could see the signs she was sexually abused. She told our uncle as well. My uncles response? “Not my kid not my problem” family is literally bullshit.
Yes! I told my mother about my sister hitting me and hurting me. She said all sisters fight. I was 4 when my 20 year old sister got married, she was 15.5 years older.
@@ChocolateBabe_ Yes, and highly overated. we are thinking everyone elses's family is great and we got the bag of lemons, when they are all onions.
So sorry your cousin punished you for telling the truth. And who would know better about your mothers abuse than you! Your cousin’s reaction and opinion does not matter. But I’m so sorry that happened to you with your family. It’s awful.
I think most parents would physically die for their children in certain circumstances - like jumping in front of a train to save them. But children inevitably touch on their parents narcissistic wounds. And the threat of death to the false self is incomprehensible...seemingly far worse than physical death.
Interesting comment!
you understood that correctly. Not-existing is not threatening. Having to change is threatening.
You're spot on Daniel.
When I was growing up as a teenager in the 90's and early 2,000, any mates of mine who was rebellious enough, was usually threatened with being disowned by their parents or even outrightly disowned. My own father would mouth it a few times to get me to fall in line.
Disowning a child would usually involve throwing the rebellious child out of the home: no more schooling, as well as other care. And I'm talking about Nigeria in Africa where family is all you literally have.
Most Parents don't love their children, they love the image they project on the children instead.
Which goes to show that most parents are partially delusional, maybe mildly schizophrenic or even teetering on the edge of psychosis. They sacrifice the real child's mental and emotional health for an idealized image of unreal perfection, which shows that your average parent is detached from reality, and is dangerous to themselves, especially children, therefore earning them a spot in a psychiatric hospital. Sadly, Instead of putting them through intensive therapy or medical evaluation, the child is the one pathologized and dismissed as the source of the problem.
Your honesty is needed and also a tad painful.
I call them 'ouch truths'.
@@ellyk8834 me too!
When I was a teenager my mother said that she loved my sibling and I the most before we had started school, so up until the age of 5. Because, she said "After that you weren't all mine anymore."
I never realized how messed up that was until recently.
My mother exactly....whos decision it was to outsource me to the public indoctrination system instead of home schooling me.
Like its our fault they pass us off to someone else.
She was a bored housewife who wanted to go play tennis and socialize with her equally lazy, worthless friends who had kids as an excuse to live a life of leisure and ease.
My father is in the same boat there
@@MJ98774I would think that a person who wants to live a life of ease would choose not to have children. Raising children is difficult. Even when they go to public school you have to be involved in the child's education.
@@The-Oneness11 Mine wasnt involved in my education nor were her friends. I dont even think they graduated, you can tell by the fact they couldnt read certain words and their writing was atrocious.
My next door neighbor is a stay at home mom, raises her kids, they get their schoolwork done in 1.5 hours everyday and are all involved in the family side business after that. IMO thats more productive than playing tennins and socializing with a bunch of bored housewives with too much time on their hands. Hopefully that explains it
@@MJ98774 shouldn’t be forcing kids to help with the family business, it’s just slave labour. They should be in education it’s fundamental but modern educational system are terrible. Double edged sword.
My children didn't go to school and had total freedom growing up. They are now 20 and 23 and I have no regrets. They are the people they've chosen to be and I didn't give a shit how anyone around me felt about my choices in how I raised them. My kids don't have the emotional trauma all their children have. My kids were always allowed to speak their minds, they never had to argue with me to be heard. They are the best people I know and the only people I choose to be around to this day. I love that they don't tip toe, or hide themselves from anyone. They are the person I wish I could have been growing up, and still struggle to be. As John Holt once said, we raise our kids to not trust themselves, therefore we raise a society of confused overthinkers that go no further than another person's approval.
This made me feel better about the choice my partner and I have made in not sending our children to public school. Everyone around us tries to change our minds about it. I feel conflicted at times but I know deep down it’s for the best. And your testimony solidifies my gut feeling
my friend's extremely abusive mother told her she loved children until they turned into people
I literally just made a comment about this. They want pets, not people.
Lmao can't make this shit up
I've noticed this in a few people, that they seem to be great with kids but not so much with adults. They suddenly lose interest as children grow up and adult relationships are too complicated for them.
I will be so happy when all of humanity is completely sterile.
This is my MIL
Many parents only love their child as long as they can derive an ego boost from the relationship.
And so, at the end of the day, it's the same thing as with friends. Self-centered people will be self-centered with their kids. People who are incapable to love will not love their children properly either.
This dude is smarter than most!
@@tdang9528 Your probably right. But it explains my parents.
@@tdang9528eeehhh, it might be more common than you think. Glad your parents were cool tho
@@tdang95285% of parents are decent! Daniel is correct!
@@tdang9528 He absolutely does not exaggerate at all in the slightest. He's using his own experience as examples. He's not saying every parent does every thing that he mentioned, he said nothing close to that. If you think this is really anywhere close to only 5% of parents you are horribly misinformed and mistaken. If you had good parents or know a good amount of people that do, cheers and please cherish your relationships... everyone always should regardless, but sometimes there's nothing you can do you haven't already tried and it's better to maintain some distance, however much you need to have a healthy relationship. That's all that matters ❤️
@@tdang9528it's very common and it happens in all kinds of households, because most parents are not very emotionally stable or mature. It's very rare for there to be 2 emotionally mature adults with a strong and healthy relationship raising a kid they both wanted and agreed on. Many kids are just oops babies.
"And the fallout of society becoming more violent, predatory and sociopathic than ever has nothing to do with my parenting style" said every worthless, grandiose, virtue signaling parent who would never have the honesty to admit what you said in this title.
“There's also no rule that states we're on a linear path toward a more or less violent society. New research published this month in the journal Nature Human Behaviour suggests human violence has waxed and waned throughout history.”
Yep. Whatever harm you inflict on or need you deprive from your kid is what they'll act out on others until they (or if they ever) grieve.
@@JeantheSecond-ip7qm I noticed that when resources become scare is when people get more greedy and corrupt. We're already there or on our way....times where there wasn't enough to go around in the past always sparked a lot of conflicts.
TRUER WORDS EVER SPOKEN !
@@JeantheSecond-ip7qm that was before lead poisoning.
My mother never loved me. She only cared for me as a small child because she had to. She resented me big time. When I turned 12 she shunned me. I was literally on my own. No medical care, she was cold and never had any interest in me or my education. I got excellent grades to get her attention and it meant nothing. She kicked me out of the house at 17 and told me to go be an adult. Horrible parent.
Wow! I'm so sorry you went through that.
Yep that's my dad. Completely absent emotionally and financially. I've called him out on it and he says it's not his fault. Now he wants me to take care of him and l'm like f*ck you. Never been happier to go no contact. And of course my family thinks I'm the problem lol.
He is selfish. I am sad to hear that your family thinks that you're the problem though.
This video is an absolute relief to hear… I’ve been telling myself over and over, ‘your dad loves you! Forgive him, yes it hurts, but don’t cut him off! Reach out again and again!’
All because I couldn’t admit that he just doesn’t really love me. Just admitting the truth is such a relief and a release. Most people would not want to say this, I’m really glad that you have.
Looks like the trolls are out in full force today. Definitely striking a nerve or two, Daniel. I guess that's the inevitable cost of uploading such painfully honest and thought-provoking content. So just to let you know that some of us deeply appreciate what you do. For us, your courage and commitment to unpleasant truth-telling is admirable and consoling. Thank you for that.
Why do you think we all should agree with him? Every vision of the world is distorted by experience, genes, worldview, environment, etc., his too of course. This man thinks that his vision is universal, which is enormous stupidity and egocentrism
@@karolinanie5946 His "vision" has a lot of credibility. Why agree with anyone's work at all if it's all distorted? Your point makes no sense.
@@karolinanie5946 Sure, anyone can have biases. Doesn't mean that someone's truths and personal experiences should be rejected if they aren't pleasant. You should view Daniel as someone with a lot of experience working with psychotherapy patients. He obviously views mental health problems through the lens of bad parenting. He is highly critical of family system structures, their inherent injustices, opression and abuse. That is important talk, because in our societies parents too often get away scot free for their misdeeds towards children.
@@niteshade2271 Okay, I'll simplify. Person in first comment made assumption that people who disagree with author of video are trolls. When this person posted, I didn't see a single troll comment. Just a few disagreements. So I'm saying we don't have to agree and that doesn't mean trolling. I hope now you understand. Sometimes I make mental shortcuts assuming everyone understands, my mistake
@@alexxx4434 But he won't reach those he should because he is too radical 😂 His videos collects crowds of wronged people, but not wrong ones. Also help should have something positive in it, but he keeps immersing himself and us into harm and pain, it's just too much
It’s mind boggling how many people treat the act of creating and raising humans so cavalierly. The definition of immorality.
True, and how many others on the opposite end think that simply reproducing is such an honorable act. RME.
@@alleynejoelle Not in a world with over 8 billion people. Moderation is called for.
dude my neighbor had a child during the covid. she said, i have always wanted to have taurus child (it was her first), then she says yeah she is taurus like me. then i made the egregious error of telling her that her cute daughter looked like her daddy. i praise god, i am still alive after that. psycho mothers and absent abusive fathers are the worst.
@@sonquatsch8585 A child had a child. That does not turn out well.
I have never heard someone so eloquently and honestly expose reality for what it is.
This is EXACTLY what I’ve had to find out. The hard way. From parents and sibling. They don’t care about you, they care that you play the role you’ve been trained to play for them.
Another great video 👏🏼
I've always told my children, "you are whole and complete exactly as you are. You were whole the moment you were born. You don't belong to anyone but yourself and need no one to validate your existence, not even me. I'll be here for you however you want/need me."
So deep and meaningful, saying that to your children! 😍 Wish my mum had told me this instead of doing totally the opposite…
While that is all fine and good you had your children to meet YOUR needs
@@11Garrett11 No idea where you're coming from with that. My kids aren't responsible for my needs at all, and they are now adults living their own lives.
@@sweetabby1106
Why would you have children if not as a strategy to meet your own needs at the time? They didn’t have needs because they didn’t exist.
@@11Garrett11 As an act of unconditional love. I'm sorry that hasn't been your experience.
Most parents have children in an unconscious attempt to heal themselves and feel loved, but usually parents simply pass their trauma down...
As a childfree person, I have never ONCE heard a person say anything pertaining to the child as to the reason why they want children. Top 2 answers I always get are "to have someone take care of me when I'm old" and "to give my life meaning." It is all about serving THEM, not anything about the child(ren). 😢
Yeah, people have children for selfish reasons. People grow up, buy a car, a house, a wedding, and they think of having a child as if it was that one more thing to add to their list of "haves". A long time ago I read an article that advised one should have children when they have everything and they're ready to start giving - because children take more than they give, people should have them out of abundance and not try to fulfill something that's missing.
But the thing is that when you're truly at that place of abundance where you want to start giving, you don't need to have a child for that. Especially if you're a woman, you don't need to put your body through this, risk your health and maybe even life. You can just start giving - you can love animals, you can love your existing family and perhaps give back to your parents, or you can just give love and kindness to friends and strangers.
Why do you think people should have children ... If we thought about the children we'd probably never have them because what is life only ultimate pain and death but yet we find happiness along the way. It's all about the continuum. It's what we've done (and every animal has done) since the dawning of time. It's a mutual relationship that secures our species' survival.
I was adopted by great parents so my experience was very different. Not every scenario is the same. Yes I was very lucky. I asked my mother once, what if I had turned out to have had Down’s syndrome? She said, then that’s an opportunity to show more love. They both lived it, were older parents, and had a lot to give
@theeggtimertictic1136 Thank you, ONCE AGAIN, for yet another reason why people have children that have nothing to do with the child. Absolutely abhorrent. That is why so many children are walking this Earth unloved, neglected, and abandoned. All their parents care about is putting more bodies on this planet to continue this sh*t show of a society. 🤯
@@Childfree334 I've 3 girls. They're 25, 23 and 20. Not once have they questioned why they were born. They enhance society and are a bonus to the world. We have a mutually affectionate relationship. This is how it is and has been for millennia.
Many parents care about their children only so long as they can view those children as an extension of themselves. You can see in this behavior the roots of fascism, which is the same process at scale and brought to its brutal conclusions
the principle ripples out from the micro to the macro
Exactly. Politics is downstream from culture.
The relationship between family structure and society strucure is in a feedback loop.
And if would not say it's specific to fascism, but to authoritarianism and totalitatism in general.
You’re not wrong. I had two highly narcissistic parents, one of whom I suspect was a psychopath, and I had a neo-N@zi phase. It was brief and shallow; I never actually joined a movement, probably because I knew subconsciously that the church of toxic masculinity was no place for a girl. But it was in my heart. (It didn’t help that my parents were also Catholic and extremely r*cist.) Post-recovery, I knew it was tied somehow to the parental abuse. But I wasn’t sure how to put it into words. I suspect it’s because the fascist society resembles the loveless family I grew up in. Fascism is f’d up, evil, abusive, dominating, the strong cruelly ruling over the weak-and that, apparently, was what felt familiar to me and gave me those warm, fuzzy feelings of nostalgia tinged by Stockholm Syndrome.
I don’t think there’s a single member of an extremist group today who doesn’t have serious parental wounds, and society’s unwillingness to admit the fact that not all parents are saints is directly contributing to and nurturing this cancer. It for damn sure ain’t the schools that are teaching kids this kind of hatred, and the Internet can only radicalise what’s already there.
@@2012jordie thanks for sharing. i'm sorry about your earlier experiences and glad you were able to grow out of your phase. your observation is extremely on point about how extremist groups are made up of people who are groomed in authoritarian family environments
My mother said she did not like children, only her own. And she hated "whiny children".
Seemingly everywhere I heard the parental incantation, "Having children is the best thing in my life", and was sceptical.
Didn't look that way to me. Didn't feel that way either. I have never regretted remaining child-free.
❤
But if the fact that you never had children and family of your own is due to her behavior, then it is not really liberation but being under her control.
@@marcinwolnik3518 Observing someone's behaviour, and choosing to do the opposite is not being under their control. If I see someone falling down drunk so I choose to never drink, I am not under that person's control. The most credit you can give them is that they served as a good example of what NOT to be.......The world is full of good and bad role models. They don't control us, they teach us.
@@l.5832One of my most influential teachers was my bio-dad, when he abandoned us when I was 5.
You’ll regret it on your death bed. Most do so I’ll take the gamble you will be sorry you allowed someone else to dictate your life
Isn’t a woman’s main purpose to have children?
I think a better description is the parent views the child as an extension of themselves and when the child turns out to be the individual they are and don't live up to the ideas and dreams the parents had.
When children are really young, it's not even like raising a person, it's like raising an animal. Feed, play around with little toys, put to sleep, clean up diapers, etc. You don't really become a "person" with stable thoughts, feelings, and a worldview until you're like 5+. The stages of development are so relevant here and most parents want nothing to do with the later stages of development. At 5 years old you are sent off to government schools to be raised by strangers for most of the day, or put in front of the TV to be raised by the media.
PREACH!!!
Yep sounds about right
Kids are pets, and pets are toys. Nobody loves no one...
I heard a teen, on an video about why people weren't having kids say he understood why and that we're basically high end pets. He's not wrong!
I don't totally agree with this. Yes their personality is still forming but they already start showing who they are after like 1. I remember my little daughter wanting to play with mommy and baby animals before she was 2 and when she grew up, she was an overly empathetic person. My son was so curious at one, always pointing to things and wanting to know what they were and how things worked. They are human beings at birth and deserve respect. Some of the comments here are so painful to hear, so sorry.
Wow. Daniel, you still seem really sad about your childhood, and my heart breaks for you. There are certainly more crappy parents than good ones, but it must be so hard to raise a child unless you're a very stable and loving person. And there aren't too many of those around. So few adults are really able to love without possessiveness, to know when to guide and when to step back. As they say, hurt people hurt. And as you say, there's nothing in this world more vulnerable than a little child. Blessings, my friend, your videos are so honest, and you can see by the comments how many people are being helped by them. 🎉
Yup
My mum loved me when i could be her little "dolly", something she could use as a vessel for her to try and undo the abuse of her childhood ... Dressing me in clothes she wanted to wear, buying me gifts that she liked, steering me into being a mini version of her but she was unable to stop repeating her learned abusive behavior.
but when i grew into a real human and started to say "stop being violent" "stop being a bully" thats when, without hesistation, she revoked her love. Never owning her own deep rooted guilt (she knows shes abusive deep down)
Wrapping it up and sending it first class to me ("stop being so mean!!!"), ("oh i bet you wish i was dead so you can dance on my grave!!!")
I send it back. I send it all back. I was a good kid i dont think i ever brought any trouble to her or our home. Lord knows i could sense that she couldnt handle any of my problems anyway.
The ultimate failure of so many parents is that they have not healed their childhood traumas and fully grown mature themeselves, before becoming parents... And this repeats from generation to generation. Real tragedy.
Today children are just an accessory
"Today" :D And back in the day they were just little cattle or machines.
And in yesteryear, they were farm hands and extra domestic labor.
U missed the whole point👏👏👏👏👏
its always has been, children were just a tool for parents
I guess they always was
This puts into words something Ive observed as a woman who has chosen to be child free.
People have told me i will never know real love because i have not had children.
This confused me so much for so many reasons. It's so contradictory.
It's because they didn't understand i could love myself just as unconditionally as a child could.
If you learned to love yourself unconditionally, you would be able to love your child unconditionally.
@@alexxx4434 and how many parents learn to love themselves unconditionally before they have kids? A very small percentage. Most parents have kids because they want someone to control or because they're lonely or bored of their lives. So they are lying because they're incapable of actually seeing their child as an individual. Children are only children for a tiny portion of their lives. Pretty soon they're adults with their own autonomy and if their perspective clashes with the parents that's when their "love" shows to be conditional as it always was. I'm 34 and my mom still doesn't know me (or treat me) as a person. They get offended that you're no longer an extension of them. Like you're a puppet or a pet. It's extremely hurtful. Most women who say "my children are my life" are the most narcissistic people watch their kids go no contact as adults.
I'm forever child free not because I wouldn't be a good parent but because I care about my kid too much to bring them into this messed up world only for them to resent me. Plus being your own person without the responsibility of kids is awesome. 🤸🏻♀️
This also mean they do not consider the love felt for other relatives, pets, friends, partners as "true".
Truly concerning.
@Ouranos369 I'm sorry you have to go thru that. I hope you find the love within that always felt like it was missing from without. My parents weren't horrible but I definitely didn't feel close to them, so I searched for that love outside too and fell into that trap. I just didn't have kids to try to fill the hole. I thought a man would do it. But a man can leave when a child cannot. Painful lessons but ones I'm glad to have learned, without having to make another person in the process.
Children are the most hated people in the world...sadly.
Ummm by who? What kind of a statement is this?
It’s not all children who are hated and not all who hate children. I pick up on toxic feeling right away.
@@underated17if you look at society it does hate children…education systems force you into a box, peadophila is becoming the norm, “grow up” is said left right a centre, hell were told were adults at 18 which is a complete lie, don’t behave like a child. This persons statement is correct.
Children are hated the most. After animals, children are the most disrespected creature on the planet.
Imagine how much better society would be if the first commandment read
LOVE THY CHILDREN
@@underated17
NOBODY IS SAYING ALL CHILDREN
THERE ARE ALWAYS PEOPLE LIKE YOU MAKING THIS STUPID COMMENT
WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?
THE COMMENT GOT 45 LIKES
PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ALL OF US WHY WE ARE WRONG
I sometimes wish parents didn’t tell their children they loved them, as much as they showed them. Idk I just feel like with people I actually love I don’t have to say “I love you”. Just like I don’t constantly tell my friends “I like you” cause that would be weird. It’s assumed that if we’re friends, we like eachother enough. If you love someone, they’ll feel it. Saying it constantly feels like an overcompensation
I love you = don't leave me
Yes, actions speak louder than words.
In a large number of non-Western cultures, this is the default. The thing is, they tend to go way the other way and seldom offer kind words to their kids or ever say "I love you", and then kids grow up thinking "wow, he never said he loved me" (my observation of friends from such cultures, media figures from such cultures, and my observation of online discourse among people from those cultures)
There definitely is a balance to be struck. I think small kids need to hear it, because they aren't analytical enough to infer love from loving actions (ex: taking the day off to take the child out for ice cream, surprising the child with a toy, giving the child a hug at random). Beyond that, I don't know how often one really needs to say it
True it's like "show don't tell" in stories, show love and nurturing towards the child don't tell the child you "love and nurture" them but besides that there is not much wrong in saying "I love you" to your child in fact most people I know haven't heard that from their parents
Certainly the actions need to match the words....but sometimes it is appropriate to say those words. If said too often, they lose meaning but there are times when that declaration can be helpful in a person's life.
How Harry and Meghan are treated brought my awareness level for this much much higher. Just the sheer amount of parents saying 'How dare you ever feel wronged by me' rather than taking some accountability is astounding. If you wanted your children to like you and not talk about you then maybe you should have treated them better.
I'm a writer, and one of my favorite comics is a girl at a book signing for her published book. The book was called "My Crappy Life." Her parents were standing in front of the signing table looking embarrassed and frustrated. The girl's face was stone. The caption under the picture said, "If we knew you were going to become a writer, we would have treated you better."
OH YES!
Accountability? You want accountability from a parent? Lol no. YOU have to be accountable for all the "bad things" you did, but a parent? I guess we'll all keep dreaming, and I'll keep working on my book.
@@spacegirl226 love your description of that comic, and I identify with it so much. I had short nonfiction and other writing published, and I’ve also done podcasting. My parents have said to me to be careful about the things I write and say about my childhood, because it’s a reflection on them. That would have been a useful thought for them to have before they decided to be abusive, neglectful, and hostile toward me and my siblings. I mean, if they didn’t want any of their children to grow up to talk about the trauma they caused, then they should have done more to not traumatize them.
You couldn't have chosen two more insufferable people.
Harry most definitely. But Meghan? I'll leave Meghan out of this because she's absolutely and hatefully dysfunctional. But yes, Harry has been relegated to second best all his life. You can't do that to a kid, it's cruel. No wonder he's shouting his mistreatment from the rooftops. It doesn't make me like him, although I can empathise with him.
@VMM34 Not just the "spare" bit, it was also the claims that he was the product of his mother having an affair. I'm sure the schoolboys threw that in his face. Then the trauma of her death... how did he have a chance to turn out without major issues?
I recently said this to a few of my friends and they disagreed with me very fast.
thats because society views parents as sacred and u cant criticize them in any way. society doesnt really care about kids
I'd presumptuously speculate they were ambivalent(embarrassed? guilty?) about the way they parent their kids
@@Cynthia-Landers My friends are all 19-21, I'm guessing it was embarrassment about how they were treated as kids
@@cjplx That makes sense. Though a 19 year old is an adult, it is young enough to still idealize one's parents, or to still not yet realize how badly they screwed up
Because birth creates a Trauma Bond to parents and this world... most people will never be able to break that Bond... Trauma Bond aka Stockholm Syndrome aka the Battered wife Syndrome.
“I would give my life for you, my child” could also be interpreted as “you need to be grateful to me for giving you life and raising you. You owe me respect and obedience no matter what.” They will say they would do anything for you when you are little, but once you start to form a sense of self, personality and temperament are expressed, strengths and weaknesses are revealed … and if you aren’t what they thought you would be, you’re “difficult, bad, rebellious, ungrateful, disrespectful, etc.” Some people really think love equals blind obedience and compliance with the will of the parent, regardless of how the parent treats them.
Some parents do so many things so that you have to "return the favor." My mom didn't go out of her way to do things for me out of love, she did it so that she could be thanked and praised. I know this because when I was older she would say I wasn't grateful enough. If I opened presents without getting excited, she would say how it wasn't as fun as when I was little. She would say "I love you, but..." any time I did something she didn't like. She would go out of her way to do things people didn't ask for, then get resentful when they didn't do the same for her. She never learned that you can't make people do anything. What you can do is match the energy and effort people put into you, and let go of people who won't. That's something I learned in my 20s. My mom was starving for love, but that wasn't because other people didn't love her, it was probably because she didn't love herself and didn't take care of her own needs. I didn't ask her to sacrifice herself and would have been happier if she had put herself first more often, because then her love for me would not have had so many obligations attached.
OH THANK GOD someone will articulate this. Thank you Daniel Mackler for your service to humanity. It's unbelievable the amount of emotional learning that has to happen before we can see the truth about our parents, how messed up they were and how they didn't mean well. You are such a help with all this stuff.
Thanks Daniel. I realized a long time ago that my family does not and did not love me. I was in my very early twenties when I said this to a therapist. Grateful I could tell myself the truth.
I can relate. My parents were great role models for showing me what not to do when raising my own children. When a narcissistic parent tells a young child they care about them a lot and just want them to know that, the child innately knows that's a red flag. Unfortunately, it took me half my life to put the whole mosaic together and see my parents for who they really are.
The moment you stop being an order taker and yes-man, alot of people will start to dislike you.
many, still to this day dont understand that people can adapt and learn new things..
You see this overrepresented in elementary school teachers as well. Even if they are genuinely very kind there is a creepy, invasive element to how teachers are conditioned to act towards classrooms of kids because they are de-individualized out of necessity.
What do you mean by this? I'm genuinely confused. I'm debating on becoming a substitute teacher.
A parent trying to gaslight a child into compliance isn’t love.
Ouch. This reminds me of when my mom would tell me “I HOPE YOU HAVE A CHILD JUST LIKE YOU” because of me behaving like A CHILD (kids are annoying, let’s be real) and confronting her about things I don’t understand… and she would hit me whenever I would say “I hope I do because then I would know how to handle them”…. 😢
My mom should have never had kids. She had her own trauma she should have sorted through first that she probably never will. She basically took her childhood trauma out on me.
Looking at children as livestock goes a very long ways towards explaining why it's legal to mutilate the genitals of boys without consent.
My mother has never even bothered pandering to me with lines like 'I would do anything for you give my life to you'.. She's the most glib and non-refelecting person ever
I'm sure the competition is deep.
Totally relate to this video. My parents would use my own death as a way to serve themselves. It already occurred when my brother died. I saw how they self-served throughout the whole thing.
It is a way to deny their role in your brother's choice.
Every family death, my entire family goes into a "poor me" pit of self-pity. It's grotesque.
@@booshank2327 When our mother died, my sister would not let me have any input in to the planning of the funeral. After the funeral I found out she arranged a luncheon...and I wasn't invited.....to my own mom's funeral lunch. It was all about Sis. She wanted all the condolences for herself.
Same gappend with my garndpa..i could sees taht they loved him..they just cried..but u couldn't feel it was real..it was evil..@@booshank2327
@@l.5832that's what my grandmother did😂
Damn dude, you're on it as usual. I'd add "toy", "pet", and in extreme cases, "slave" to the role children serve some parents. I'd also add that parents, in the back of their minds and depth of their hearts do have some inkling of the fact they don't fully love their children. Anytime there's denial of truth involved then there's awareness of the truth being denied.
Real love has no opposite. It's either present or absent.
I have always felt indifference was the opposite of love.
And odds are that if there are several kids in the family, only one kid will be a "Daniel," and the others will remain firmly embedded in the whole deranged parent/kid relationship.
usually the scapegoat like me.. narcisitc mother and sis stick together idk how to escape
@@aena5995 Same here. Older sister became narc just like Mom. I was scapegoat. It almost cost me my life due to the physical and mental effect on me but I got out and as a result of my 'abandoning the family' I was ostracized, and disinherited. Be prepared to financially support yourself. Surround yourself with good friends but refrain from marriage until you have had LOTS of therapy. I made a mistake of marrying an abuser. You see, you don't know what NORMAL is and you can easily fall for anything that appears to be love...but isn't. So get financially independent, move as far away as possible, get counselling, and establish friendships. Good luck! I did it and so can you! (I divorced the abusive guy, and I will stay single).
I'm the Daniel of my family
@@l.5832same almost exactly! Except my sisters are okay, still a bit traumatized themselves, but we have an ok relationship. But I also was with an abuser and had a child with him, and have been in extensive therapy for so many years! CPTSD is a hell of a burden to carry, and a lifetime of abuse seems almost impossible to overcome at some points, to just feel...okay with living.
I haven't spoken to my parents for many years, and have never had any type of support. In fact they even stole my college fund given to me from my grandparents!
I guess the comfort in all of this is seeing how many people understand what you're going through, which is a tragedy in itself. ❤
I was raised with a very immature mother that never got to be a child herself took me some time to understand why she was not a mother to none of her 3 kids. Being a mother to her was feeding us and having a home never got to really know none of us.
My depression is a shadow play that started with "acting out". I wanted to demonstrate my deep unhappiness with a "long face".
When this failed to get useful attention, my strategy became more desperate and demonstrative, Then I started believing there indeed was something "wrong with me" (because the fault could not be with the person who professed to love me).
I know many people who say they wish they didn’t have their children. These are the honest ones.
My dad and I had a great relationship conveniently until I was about 6-7. Right around the time when I started having emotional reactions to how he was treating me and my mom. Right around the time when I started having my own opinions. Realizing that he actually didn’t really like me at all
My father treated me the same way. My father doesn’t mind caring for actual babies but once I turned 6/7 he stopped caring & completely checked out emotionally. 20+ years later & nothing has changed. Over time he has convinced me that he does in fact hate me….Stay strong
This is actually so true. Thank you for being 100% honest. Love your channel !!
BEAUTIFUL job of narrowing down all of the REAL reasons people have children
this material is so important.
In this video there are so many unspoken truths that most of the people I know they just couldn’t handle it.
When parents say they love you, they mean they love your utility to them.
Well technically that's the same reason we love our parents.
@@The-Oneness11 probably true, but of course we have the excuse of being the kid
@@pod9363 I mean I have children and I know that they love me because I'm useful to them. It isn't a bad thing, so no need to have an excuse. I like to be useful to those that I love.
@@The-Oneness11 well hopefully a child can love the parent for more than just their providing. Hopefully the kid loves the person they are, which is someone who respects their boundaries, is interested in them as a person, etc. Like a very good friend.
In Asia we don't even say that
They saw me slowly killing myself with porn, booze, and drugs and ignored it. Luckily, I learned to be there for myself as a strong inner parent. A loving and firm attitude of - knock it off, I love you, but you are gonna stop harming yourself immediately. No more unhealthy coping mechanisms, no dissociating.
More and more, I realize I'm allowed to love myself unconditionally. As that happens, the conditions have really gotten better!
Same experience. It's easy to quit hurting yourself when you learn to love yourself. Keep being your best you. You deserve it.
"... to love myself unconditionally" - What does that actually mean, in real terms.
@@Misses-Hippy To me it means looking at yourself and accepting yourself good and bad in a healthy way and not viewing yourself with a filter of contempt like your parent did. It's loving yourself the way a healthy parent would and accepting that not having been given grace as a child we can give ourselves that grace (peace) in the now.
@@ellyk8834 I can experience happiness only with remedies, pure love only with my dog, and comfort only in isolation. The rest I gave up on years ago, just gave into the angst, panic and shame.Very low profile (except here).
@@Misses-Hippy Omg Misses-Hippy, you just described ME
My mom was way more broken and abused than I ever was so I don't blame her. But some people definitely don't deserve to have children.
I'm acknowledging that and choosing not to have kids of my own
I want to adopt once I have a partner. I'll try everything in my power to let that kid be a real person who deserves respect as their own person. I'm guessing it's impossible to be perfect but I will sure try my best.
What you said about your mom twisting the narrative if you were to kill yourself hits home... the only reason I'm still here is because I can't let that demon outlive me and be the martyr super mom to other people
Please don't despair. God loved us so much that he became a man (Jesus), suffered and died to save us from sin and all its consequences. Three days later rose again, proving he is worthy of our trust. Being loved by God is far greater than anything else this world has to offer!
"he was afflicted by mental illness and he has died and poor me"
so true. one of the reasons to keep fighting to keep living is to prove people wrong and put them in their place.
Also, parents viewing children as farm animals, they can also view them as Robots and computers. My dad literally told me I'm the "final model" like a computer, that's "taller stronger smarter faster" than my older brothers.
Some kind of materialistic final gen machine
That sounds really sad, like they kept having kids till they got the one they wanted. It is natural for parents to get better (at molding or parenting) with the later kids than the first one or two, they have more experience but it still is kinda dumb to be so blunt about it to your own child.
Your dad is a wierdo mate
just to clarify, my dad was actially saying this to a friend while I was around.
No child is actually ever good for toxic parents, because of double binds, humans cannot be simultaneously two contradictory things at once.
And he said it to his friend probably as a joke and analogy but with truth to it.
Mind you, me with my sistee eventually pressed charges against him and I was scapegoated by my brothers, so I am far from any ideal child this parent would want.
I dont want to think about this but he wasn't acrually complimenting me of course, and I won't be reduced down to an inanimate object even a technical machine to be used.
I've come to the realization that parents (and I think to some degree all parents) see their children as personal property. In my opinion this flaw in the parent child relationship and the fact that is forces children to develop Stockholm Syndrome is the cause of so much (likely all) of the world's problems (both now and throughout human history).
Self-awareness is utterly key isn’t it.
A school cop told my friend who was being beaten and abused at home that he "is his parent's property" and that there's nothing the law can do to help him. Completely changed the trajectory of my life and opinions honestly. The brutality in that statement, in telling that to someone so young and impressionable, to someone who you are there to help with legal matters that regular school counsellors can't. A bastard of a man. Even convinced the middle school to get a school cop as well. Basically, what I'm saying is that legally, children ARE their parent's personal property; we just need to completely change that part of our legal system.
This cold hard truth about our reality needed to be said a long time ago ! I applaud you so much for delivering this message THANK YOU 🙏
Ahh, Daniel. The haters might come for you on this one 😂
Thanks for being yourself for the rest of us 🙂💗
You can talk about your experience but it is depressing and wrong I think to say that 99 of people do love their children or sibling etc.
Literally most people should not become parents because the true selflessness required is not typically attainable.
We're not thoughtful about much... but yet, as a species we persevere!
@@trinleywangmo It is true: biologically speaking, a species' continued existence does not require the best mental health. Nature is pretty forgiving. (When my back hurts, I comfort myself by thinking, that's how it's still able to function at all, under imperfect conditions; I'd rather it hurt and still basically work than not hurt and not work at all.) But I will personally strive for better mental health (and back health) and be critical of familial cultural flaws that are used to pressure my behavior.
@@blueseaview1119 I don't believe most people are cruel, though. Just too attached to their ideas.
@@blueseaview1119 You're silly.
This is so timely. Thank you for this, and for the work you do.
As Integration of the trauma occurs through this never-ending work, there is no guilt for my parents being alone and distant. They really always were anyhow. The difference now is they can't f*** with me any longer. I've unsubscribed.
Louder for the people in the back!
They absolutely want you to self end. She can set the narrative and play victim all at the same time. I knew that by the time I left grade school and it's why I will never succumb to self ending. I love the "she wouldn't die for me, she wouldn't even get honest for me" - ouch truth.
I look at a cousin of mine. She was so keen to have her third child when she could barely be bothered to look after the first two! She doesn’t cook for her children who live on junk food and are overweight (not her though!). Their internet use is not limited even though they are young. There’s just a lack of any real care or concern, a casual neglect and disinterest. I think it’s quite common.
Several of my old friends were hopelessly stuck in this dynamic. When their mothers died, in reality, their abusers died. But they were just broken little boys in the bodies of grown men who were finally able to mourn a mother who wasn't really there in the way a mother should be. So, by the woman passing, they were able to pretend she had been better than what she really was. One even died of a drug overdose soon after his mother's drug overdose. The other one just never says anything bad about his anymore, even though when she was alive, I never heard a good word about her and she hurt him and left him homeless and unsupported for years while alive.
Nothing real left to break the idealised version of the parent in the imagination. We carry parental idealization since our birth, it's almost an instinctual thing.
@@alexxx4434Gotta be a defense mechanism right?
Thanks Daniel for sharing. I totally agree and resonate with your experience - never a truer word spoken. Keep shining light in all those dark places. 😊
Honesty & transparency does not exist with my parents. I have called them both out about their disrespectful communication and the deficiency of emotional intelligence.... and rejection always ensued. They cannot look at themselves as anything outside of their own perspectives and psuedu imagery. My step-mother literally compared me to the child killer in the movie "The Bad Seed!" I cannot believe you just stated this before my eyes! That was the end of me trying to get her to love me. It took me most of my life to finally say it, but, once I told her that she does not love me as she claims & does not even like me...and that it was okay because I love me-I have had a peace upon my existence like never beforehand. I am respectful, but I keep my distance. It is safer outside the presence of irrationally motivated people.
Hm, hits deep to recognize things you say in my own family. Thanks for sharing.
i love these videos. it's just really really nice for my inner child to be validated, and told that her concerns, observations, emotions were absolutely right. she was right, and her parents were wrong.
It takes years and years to understand ... or feel firmly, that the love our parents show us ( or don't show us) is far from perfect, and we belong only to ourselves. It liberates you though, and we can become better people for knowing the difference between superficial love and true love.
In knowing that our parents were human beings, it helps us to not feel so guilty about our own shortcomings and “human beingness”. I feel confident that if we care, we are doing our best to show that and that’s what is important. No parent is going to be perfect and that is a liberating thing to know.
@@patrickmccutcheon8860 Parent's can not only be far from perfect, but deliberately harmful and manipulative. If one doesnt absolutely need to detach from their own parents in order to survive, one will never understand just how "human" parents are.
In my observation, the analogy of children being livestock is very accurate. Some parents only have children to meet societal expectations. I feel very sad for those children as they are simply invisible orphans.
It’s all a lie, but I never even got the “I love you” lie. This kind of parent is empty, they have a stone for a heart and do not love. I’m glad you recognized and accepted that “mean” is a redefining word from those who are sadistically inclined and suffering like a slave exists in this modern world and a child is hurt by the person they trust the most. When people say it’s not the norm I don’t believe it, it’s more the norm than we know because it’s not talked about.
I hate those people who lie, cheat and steal and that is more the truth than anything else in this society. So thank you for your time, honesty and videos, we must continue the conversation as to unveil and reveal all that is hidden to liberate the soul, the child imprisoned, the terror from the terrorist, and restore the mind, body and everything else that can’t hurt us anymore.
Mine! Right here, my mom used to pretend her kids mattered the MOST to her. As an adult i can see the absolute BS of this....it is absolutely a hate thing once you speak up and call her out. My brother and sister both have done this and she cut them out. Her favorite thing to say when we were younger was, "mess with my kids you mess with me," which is so ironic now because she has no relationship with her adult kids. She's always the victim. It doesn't matter what any of us say or share with her about ourselves or how we feel, she's always the one that ends up hurt and everyone else is wrong. She's a master guilt tripper. I'm slowly working towards estranging myself completely but it's hard. My dad is her enabler and I don't want to hurt him. Its tough.....😢
I enjoy what you have to say. As someone knocked around by a drunk father and humiliated by a drunk mother in front of her drinking friends when I was 3 to 6 y.o. I can relate. They both taught me to intensely hate at such a young age. I think it's important to keep in mind that well-adjusted people don't make the oligarcs money and that from the top down self-understanding has been redacted from mainstream sources when it should be at the top of the topic list.
This is very factual.
This video is one of those where you have the sense of exactly what you are explaining but it never reached a fully concretized manner before. You just concretized it.
Crystallized.
Daniel.
The work you have done is phenomenal.
You have helped me so much.
We have a lot in common.
Peace my Brother.
I call my mom the puppeteer. A sad conclusion I slowly came to realize.
How very true. I've had toxic family members tell me the same thing, and it made me feel sick to my stomach. "I love you so much I would give my life for you." They say it about the projected image, because they know it doesn't exist, and thus have no actual danger to them or need to give their life. ;)
Many parents are not even aware of the fact that their job is temporary. That their function is to work their asses off to raise a person who is so well adjusted that they can live 💯 without them. Most parents don't want to accept this fact of parenting and that's why they subconsciously try to break the child in some small way so that they need them forever.