This has been the story of my life. I have been feeling incredibly lonely lately because of this. It is really hard being around people who are so selfish, immature, abusive and self absorbed. It's in those moments when you need some support that you realize how alone you really are.
@@michaeljensen4650 I would say that there are two major disappointments in life: - realising that one's parents are fallible, perhaps even damaged people. - the world is replete with insecure children who lead outwardly adult lives.
I agree and I am also not an adult, with my insight. But I have the fear of not being an adult in terms of emotional intelligence and ability to earn a living. But a lot of men seem to be emotionally dead or stunted and they have no compassion. Capitalism rules over human weaknesses, I suppose.
Tbh, that's kind of like a childist stand. I have yet to find a kid who is as manipulative, gaslighty, coercitive, volatile, aggressiven etc. as my boomer parents. I think it's just trauma.
Only 3 minutes into your video so I apologize if you state this later and I’m just being redundant, but I think society loves to posit adults as if they are naturally better than children, that adults are superior to children, etc. however, the reality is that children are in many ways miles ahead of adults, being that children, prior to being “tainted” by the hands of their parents, of their peers, of society, are actually much more emotionally open, their attachment to their “spirit” or to their inner self is very much still intact- and as for adults, not so much. Adults in many ways have regressed, they are the living manifestation, the breathing outcomes of societal pressures, of societal conformity, of society robbing them of their emotionality. Children are so much more naturally in touch with themselves, so spiritually free, and so I think in many ways we should never truly feel like an “adult” if being an adult means to have lost touch with these invaluable, beautiful aspects of what it means to be a child, to be a child in spirit and to be connected with oneself in the way that children naturally are.
That is very true, but: children are also not able to survive on their own. They don't understand things like responsibility, discipline, delaying gratification in order to accomplish long-term goals. I think it is balance what we are looking for. How to stay in contact with yourself, while looking after your responsibilities, which simply isn't always as 'fun' as being a child.
The 'natural' self does not exist, what you are describing is the absence of a framework of knowledge which informs but also instills doubt within a person about their world. It is simply unavoidable to lose the 'natural' self as you gain more knowledge since all it really is is a manifestation of ignorance.
Observe carefully and you will notice most adults treat children as they were some sort of stupids because of not knowing many facts they do and therefore every idea expressed by an infant is between wrong to unimportant at some degree
I agree, although children who manage to grow intp healthy adults would not lose this. Uts just that the adults most children see are emotionally stunted so are wounded chikdren in adult bodies. The more a child can hold onto their own knowing, instinct, intuition and sense of true self the more chance they have of healibg the rest and reaching maturity or enlightemnent as we call it, as its so rare these days)
Ultimately the concept of childhood, teenage and adults are socially constructed. It's humanhood showing at varying stages of physical growth. I felt overly mature through parentification and simultaneously immature through a lack of guidance from my narcissistic parents. This was a very interesting and informative video.
Unfortunately far too many parents aren’t concerned about what’s going on inside their child’s emotional reality. Only those that are as honest with themselves as this gentleman can heal all the buried trauma
Very true stuff. Anyone who tries to stamp out, punish, oppress you for being in touch emotionally, letting your true self to the surface; is confused, disturbed, oppressive, and cruel. Not to mention brainwashed by a very broken society and an expectation to conform to in an unhealthy way, roles which are usually cartoonish and 1- dimensional , and result in emotional deformities. Insane people hurt recovering people , for attempting to not be insane any longer, the crabby cycle continues.
you described one of my parent very accurate. On top of that those people are unaware of it. But don’t mention that they are damaged and that they need to seek help. They will try to make you feel so bad about yourself you never could imagine that from a “loved” one.
The hardest part of becoming an adult is that no matter how much you age, get a job, get a car, get a bank account, get a house, have a passport, have a wife and kids, their is always that one person who will never acknowledge you as an adult.
I remember many years ago feeling like a child in my late twenties. A little later began thinking that because I was neglected my whole life. I'm 53 years old now and still feel that way. Even more so. It's very freightening.
My grandmother, at age 78, told me she felt the same inside as everyone else, but everyone treated her differently because how she looked on the outside.
I once saw a 40 year old man, getting into trouble by his old father who was shouting at him up in his face threateningly, and the 40yo backing away saying repeating “No Dad, no dad! I didnt i didnt no no I didnt…” The 40 yo was doing a role of being like an 8 yo child frightened of his father. To me it looked so odd, so strange / an adult being treated like a naughty kid. I wondered why the old man didn’t discuss the issue and approach it like two mature adults. The 40 yo thought his father was allowed to deal with people anyway he thought was necessary. But the 40 yo abused other people, with the claim he was allowed to deal with people in whatever way he decided was necessary.
The likely hood of anything getting a good outcome is usually and generally 40%. Humans were born cynical the moment our ancestors climbed down from the trees. Dangerous predators roam around ready to kill wimpy apes, nature at it's fineist. In order to survive an paradoxically chaotically orderly world and keep your mind well a person must be both insane and sane, in other words in the middle of the spectrum. Humans weren't born mature so they aren't gonna act like it unless their forced, but immaturity has its roots to take and act fast, angerly, impatiently this is useful for human motivation to attack. All animals choose the easiest path for survival. Doesn't mean the easiest is the healthiest in your head. depression, dread, fear, anger all stems from the unknown. Why is it that kids are afraid of the dark? It's the fear of predators and primates willing to kill kids for food an instinctual paranoid imagination all humans have. To survive humans became paranoid and slowly, but surely devised ways to survive as much as possible. As such they imagined every bad thing that can happen. Why do you think the phrase "expect the worst hope for the best," is used alot? Their is a lot of truth in cynical thoughts. While not everything is dark most things are. To survive one must be willing to do what people consider insanity. Do you really think being completely sane is a good thing? Fat chance. Are you willing to kill a kid to save your family? If not good luck surviving in horrible situation in the Eastarn world 150000 years ago. The majority are insane. To be in the middle of the spectrum means your unpredictable if your unpredictable you won't be figured out so easy and if you won't be figured out so easy they can't find your mental weakness and psychopaths are less likely to mentally damage you. Sanity and insanity both have disadvantages and advantages. If your insane your more motivated to do whatever it takes, however this leads to horrible mental states and unbalance, but if your sane you would be less motivated to improve. After all geniuses are most of the time insane with high motivation, while some found happiness I would argue they got lucky on the middle ground of the spectrum of sanity/insanity. Happiness brings stagnation in growth, because you won't be as greedy to improve yourself if your satisfied. If you aren't paranoid you won't survive the next day, but if your too paranoid you won't be willing to cooperate. Take your pick be sane and happy, but won't survive the next day or insane and unhappy with a good chance to live the next day. Most will say happiness, but most humans will in reality take survival. After all we are all animals with instincts. War will always exist as long as their is different groups of people to compete. Competition strive winning and striving to help your own group. Tribalism is a defense mechanism that promotes war. Once implemented civilization will improve itself continually till they get our level of tech. Most tech came from war not peace. As you look at the world more the more you realize how evil humans can be. What people call a selfless action isn't really selfless. In reality all good and evil actions stem from survival. Dopamine in the brain is the reward system if you do good guess what? Your being rewarded in the head for doing a "selfless" action. If you do "selfish" guess what your getting rewarded. Knowing this disproved the notion of good people. Their isn't any. It's all an illusion of the head. People only care about other people, because of a reward system in their head. Your only emotionally hurt when someone else is in pain, why? Why that ruins your reward system if you don't help and ruins your chance at survival. You may not realize it, but the more you look at it the more you realize that every aspect of humanity including suicide as well as war is an act of survival. Depressing people commit suicide to decrease the population of the tribe as well as to maintain stability and psychopaths rule the group to ensure order through violence wheather mentally or physically. To force people to improve themselves. If you ain't in the middle you are less likely to survive and improve if everyone were sane their wouldn't be motivated geniuses or motivated powerful people. Mother nature is a cruel one. Trying to be mature also has disadvantages. For example it takes awhile to fully mature, but if you stay immature and just act like it you act faster, however less of quality process. Maturity alienates others. As such your less likely to find a big group and considering the effort it takes its a long process. Mother nature is alot like a c+ student. Lazy and semi efficient. As such the world operates similarly. Not perfect, but just enough to get by. In other words it tries to always take the easy fast way out. That's why we have not alot of mature people. It's harder to bring birth to said people. And they out number you. Sorry, but sanity and happiness isn't always the best option as far as mother nature is concerned.
An adult should be reasonable,honest in every situation,good at solving problems,empathetic,understanding,assertive,know when to say yes or no,give truthful comments not to hurt a person but build a person,know how to keep some things to themselves,forgiving,
aw man.. I see some of these things and know I don't have it in me yet. I got so much to work on and struggling to know where to start. I struggle to trust that I can even get through it.
The comments in this video sum up very well how I’ve felt for decades. I’m 48 now and yet in many respects still feel absolutely stuck in my teen years where I had to endure many years of abuse and bullying by peers and faculty at school (best measured as incidents per hour exile at school) in addition to the isolation of being at a rural school where I was never accepted and thus left isolated (I had exactly one real friend who was also largely ostracized) for the entirety of my teen years, abuse that ultimately cost me my physical health (Fibromyalgia, myofascial pain syndrome, IBS, and severe chronic pain, to name just a few, in addition to episodes of depression) as well by the time I graduated at 18. I’ve long reflected on the fact that I have *never* felt like a proper adult, and I can’t say that missing so many normal mile markers in life - no career due to disability, no marriage, no children, etc. - due to severely limiting chronic and mental illness has exactly helped either, nor the fact that because I became disabled before I had even graduated high school I have been left wholly dependent upon my parents for most of my adult life (though my parents and sister are literally the only reason I am still here and were my only refuge during those years, otherwise I would have followed through and ended my life nearly 30 years ago). I have recently started therapy for C-PTSD and I hope that may help in the end as it has largely controlled my “adult” life for the past 30 years and hopefully it may also help with the loneliness and emptiness I have lived with for decades as I have avoided all romantic relationships for over 25 years after my first real relationship in my early 20s proved very violent and abusive as she was an undiagnosed borderline and ultimately destroyed the last remaining bits of trust I had as well as reinforcing the idea that romantic relationships and intimacy were simply too dangerous to ever pursue. To add insult to injury, and yet somehow still a silver lining, I also discovered that the only truly *close* and enduring friend that I have been able to make in the past 36 years and the only person beyond my immediate family that I truly trust has been living (nearly) my exact same story for just as long as I have, only neither of us had ever been able to share our trauma with one another until one day a couple months ago when I finally broke down because I needed to talk to somebody I trusted and then she opened up about her past - it is hard to tell where my story begins and hers ends as they are that similar. By some odd twist of fate it turned out we had both started therapy the same week for C-PTSD the week before we talked...some 30 years and a couple months after we had graduated and left behind our abuse in high school only to have it spend those 30 years following us throughout our lives and relationships. So at least we both have someone we trust to talk to outside of therapy, but I would much rather she had never known that pain for herself.
Try to identify and examine your core beliefs. Morty Lefkoe has a list of suggested common mistaken beliefs that hamper us in life. If you can refute them you can free yourself from self-torment. You and a friend would be perfect to do it in tandem. I wish i had someone to do it with. The gits started your trouble, but you internalised it and took over the torment of yourselves, see what I mean? It can be reversed, especially with support.
Wow its liked reading my life but I'm 28 and your life sounds like mine. I also have myofascial pain. What therapy ot medicine do you take for muscle pain?
Someone who used to be my best friend started to go to therapy. She got wrapped up on "fake it until you make it". So her approach to being an adult is faking it, same thing with being happy. She doesnt accept it that Im trying to grief and talk about what happened to me in the past. We no longer have contact but this video helped me a lot. To know that Im being true to myself. Thank you for another wonderful video!
Your feelings are very valid but also your friends approach isn't that bad, it works for awhile untill the mask comes off. I hope your friend has the strength to overcome their issues and I hope you successfully grieve. All the best x
The only thing is, that many people get through life and are liked a lot more than i am, by having the mask, or the veneer of only talking positively about themselves. The grieving is only useful if it leads to somewhere better i.e. healing. I have never managed to make that change, I am stuck in the past. That is why people reject me. I am looking for reassurance and support and am not enough fun. I would have a better life if I ditched my principle and faked it. Did you notice how Daniel said he examined his frozen parts and healed himself? Not sure how to achieve that. He didn't seem to say he used that to help the Vets, which disappointed me.
Has anyone tried NLP or CBT? They are therapies that are supposed to put reasoning into proportion i.e. to be able to detach us from distress and eliminate mistaken meaning from false childhood beliefs.
Heres some aspects I think are relevant. Before you have healed, any happiness gained will not yet fully feel genuine. It will grow to be part of the mask. But thats not to say its better to be grumpy or sad or dwelling in negative emotion during that time. For some people, their entire childhood was hopeless and put down and full of anxiety and low self image and always thinking bad is gonna happen. Fully healing is good and important, to get to the other side. But sometimes, you need to recharge a bit with some positivity you didnt get before, so you have more tools in your belt, on the journey to having more positivity toward self and others. Cant share what you dont have.
I was parentified, now this confuses me as I am very mature in some ways (too old) yet so childish in my emotions. I belong nowhere and have no idea who I am. Even my typing this I feel selfish I'm even talking about myself. Thankyou for this 😊
The way you describe the world being run by emotionally stunted traumatized people resonated with me. In my 20s and 30s I Felt like I was screwing people over at work for some corporate directions and my personal financial enrichment, because I was confused about my feelings and acted like everybody else at work (adults). I felt a great deal of stress and anxiety at that time but figured thats just how it was. After I’ve done my work on myself and heal much of the trauma, I care less about corporate profits and stress. I care more about my well being, coworkers and clients now. Thank you for the message.
What you're saying at trauma age stuntedness reminds me of a book I picked up at an op shop called Primal Therapy. I got cos the cover looked wild of a guy screaming, from the 70s, and hadn't aged well due to it having therapy for homosexuality. Ended up reading it a few years ago on a whim and learnt about people resolving their early traumas and recovering from lisps and dramatically physically changing which was stunted previously. Steve Jobs was a fan too, crazy
I think that people overestimate the impact of turning 18, 21, or whatever age until actually reaching it. When I was 16, I probably realized the lack of importance that turning 18 would have, but couldn’t confidently know how little it would mean until I actually turned 18 and got to experience it for myself. The way that I like to look at it, is life is like a bike; in childhood you spend time learning to ride, but by the time your 18 and can ride unsupervised, you’ve probably already been riding unsupervised for years.
Powerful topic. I have a metaphorical house in my inner landscape that houses all the versions of myself from different periods of my life. The ADULT aspect of me often visits the house as a figurative social worker interviewing the selves to find out what needs are going unmet and tries to work with my actual real-life resources to meet those needs effectively. It's a very powerful metaphor that has done a lot to help me heal myself. It began as an image of my body living in a very rundown, neglected environment, non-verbal, sad and trying to die. Eventually I realized I could "move house" and bring all my former iterations to live in their ideal places. In this way I can provide "contact" of a sort with people who loved me and were there for me but who can't be now. The image of my body in the current version of my "house" is vibrant and beautiful, still non-verbal but profoundly present and joyful. I so relate to your premature "adulting." When I taught people called "at risk" students I recognized their concerns and preoccupations from my own life. School seems silly to such "kids." When you have to take care of your siblings, pay the utility bills, caretake your parents, find money and food and satisfy strange monsters that hold you hostage in what is supposed to be your home, academic exercises seem ridiculous.
Wow, Tahiya, thanks for sharing! The mental metaphor you've described seems like a very powerful thing, and I'm glad to hear your perspective on the subject explored in the video.
Thank you. At the age of 42. Being in a very dysfunctional family with tonnes of abuse. I fell pregnant at 15. I left home and became an adult. I later at the age had child number 2. Single parent to both as my picker was truly off. It’s only now they are both adults.. and I started training as a therapist… it opened the door I had compartmentalised everything for alll these years and have been in survival- very high functioning. I moved away from becoming a therapist until I have dealt with my own stuff.. there has been a lot to unpack! I have developed deep anxiety due to shame.. and unpacking that. I have suppressed my anger for decades too… I feel very derealised currently as there is so much to process. Becoming very inflated has definitely been a coping mechanism… so now I am learning to be vulnerable with myself finally! It’s painful! 💓 your videos are so helpful! Thank you so much for sharing your stories.. I hope I can do the same one day too ☺️
It's a very deep conversation! On one hand, some children were overly protected and lacked challenges for them to grow and practice the essential life skills at an early age. On the other hand, some children did not have the sense of security to play, make mistakes, and experiment with life. Both are necessary. But it's difficult to find the right balance.
i wonder what its like for someone to be traumatized as a child in a way where they needed to grow up fast then traumatized as an adult where they get stuck in age
Daniel you are just so beautiful with your sight and words. I see my child self come out at times. Both good and not so great. I think also the topic of keeping and even reclaiming parts of the child self (play, curiosity, wonder, exploration) is super key in optimal mental and soulful health. It is sad how it is so striped away from adulthood. Everything is so mechanical, processed, planned out, compartmentalized.
We spend our childhoods looking up to adults. We are told that if we try hard we can be like our parents or role models. Looking up to these people tells children: ‘this person must have a full picture of life, and know what they’re doing’ but after chasing these dreams and living up to your role models you realize that they were probably just as clueless as you are now. Children assume that being an adult means knowing all the answers, but these people never feel like an adult because they never can know it all.
Thank you for this Daniel. I'm 21 and i still feel like a child deep down. I still love the things i did as a child and even though I take responsibility and I take care of myself I still go outside and encounter children, I have friends who have kids and they act less mature than their children. I remember as a kid going out in public and seeing full grown mother's yelling at people when they don't get their way. My own mother was very childish and my dad wasn't around so I felt the need to step up and take on adult responsibilities to help her and alot of the time I felt very mature by the age of 12. As a adult I look like a adult, I smoke cigarettes like a adult. I drink alcohol like a adult. But when I come home I sit down and play Sims 2 and watch Hannah Montanna because that's what reminds me of being a kid. I don't think anyone ever really grows up but when you are mature it's a different set of lenses out in the world.
Thank you Daniel! So many people have sent you thank you messages already that at first I thought if I did my own that would just be redundant. But to me it's important to express my gratitude. Besides, I guess getting a "thank you" doesn't ever get old, right? So one more time: Thank you Daniel, your work means a lot to me. And here's my admittedly very selfish wish (that I would urge you to read as a compliment): Please do go on. Your stuff is truly upliftig und inspiring.
My narcissistic and sadistic mother liked it when I rebelled as a teenager because 1) she was secretly hoping someone would kill me on one of my run aways from home 2) she would set my father against me when the police brought me back home, and enjoyed it when he beat the hell out of me (which he did whenever he was angry) 3) she wanted me to come back home in tears because she always claimed I absolutely couldn't make it in life without her. I suppose she was right. I got really beaten by life whenever I tried to free myself from her. And I came to conclusion that life outside is extremely dangerous (her words) and I am safe only at home. I hate her but I can't free myself from her, we partially depend on her financially with my son. My fear of going out and finding a job that would actually give me better money is much greater than the desire to be free (I work from home but earn too little to move out). I don't recognize myself anymore. I keep myself alive for my son, otherwise I'm like a robot. I don't know how I could conquer this fear, it is extreme. I even find it hard to be outside seeing a friend or doing shopping for longer than necessary because I just want to be back home and feel safe again which is just an illusion because it's her house in which me and my son are just intruders.
I can tell you most of those vets are dealing with similar childhood trauma plus on top of that, the immorality and shame of being a solider in an unethical war. Thanks for sharing your story is very important and comes from a place of love.
My mother was emotionally unstable so I had to be my own parent and be more responsible as a kid. I have worked since I was 14, sometimes having a full time job and an extra part time job or two. Now at the age of 53, and not in debt for anything, I don't want to work or do much of anything, I want to be a kid, the kid I never got to be. I do not want to be responsible for anything other than having the minimum things for everyday existence. I do not want to have to answer to anyone, especially an incompetent supervisor or boss.
Very interesting the way u talk about being stuck at different stages. It's hard to differentiate between the different 'parts' of the self. There is no real map which exists!
jem benton The Homecoming by John Bradshaw is the best book and method for reclaiming and championing the different ages of inner children within ourselves
As I get older and older I seeing alot of the traumas of my childhood emerge as I take time to myself and unravel my past. I really appreciate all the videos that you've took the time to create for us, Daniel. The service that you provided is priceless
I think about veterans a lot and what they went through at such young ages, especially the Vietnam vets. That is why especially now that many are retired, that they hang out together. I guess it has always been that way, only other vets from the same war can understand what they went/are going through.
13:15 I stopped growing up after that 20:48 Functioning in society is very hard because of pathological immature adults 22:48 Being emotionally mature is the best way to be a healthy adult.
Listening to this share; I came away with a deep appreciation of you as a therapist. You really care about your clients and honestly work on yourself as well. Bravo! You’re beautiful ✨
Daniel, I discovered your content couple weeks ago. My healing journey started 2 years ago when I had the chance to leave my family. I can’t express how much your videos are helping me to heal. Thank you so much.
This was a good video for me to see right now May 2023 as opposed to any time in the past since the video first came out. This became really clear to me when at the end you spoke about what it means to be an adult and you said it is not about doing all the things that we are expected to do by society. Get a good job, get married, buy a house, raise children and so on. Instead it's about becoming emotionally present with ourselves. I literally started to sob as you began to describe what it means to be an adult according to society because I have experienced none of that and so identified with for the first time feeling emotionally present with myself. I had so much trauma from earlier in my life that realizing any of the so called adult traditions was overwhelming to me. But especially in the last four years I have been able to grieve at deeper levels and in so doing heal that trauma and become more emotionally present with myself. So this video really validated my experience in a big way and I thank you!
Well done Daniel for having the humility and presence of mind to ask those veterans how they felt about your age and offer the option for them to have a maturer more life lived person and use it within the therapeutic process.I really wished more therapists would do this,actually bring their own doubts or insecurities to within the therapy room,such a good idea to use.I would have copped out probably and felt totally inadequate rather than bringing into the fore.It must have been alot though to listen to people who had been through so much trauma,I think this is another aspect which does not get talked about enough and thats how I think too many therapists are working out on a limb without proper peer support,at least thats how it looks to me.To deal with so much trauma there must be a much more robust support system than a monthy or whatever it is supervision with one person
I can really relate to your experience of being parentifide very very young. I missed being able to play. At 16 I left home and the freedom to catch up was so good. I grew up and healed within a few years.
You just told my story . I was super fast tracked to ACT like a grownup, because there was no place for me to be a child. The adults around me, were not interested in giving me permission to be a child , or give me respect as an adult !! What a mess !! ~ Richard Grannon, RUclips, has lots of videos on how to cope with POST TRAUMATIC STRESS, and COMPLEX PTS. This is not something that can be fixed by talking & crying. It requires being able to connect with one’s emotions, be aware of my emotions & learn how to work with them. I feel it is a beneficial way to deal with past trauma. Getting the job & going through the adult paces, on its own, does not remedy childhood trauma. One can learn all kinds of adult functions without having comprehension or recovery. Best wishes to everyone going through this. PS. No one knows what the future holds in the next 5 minutes , so just do your best .. 😉🤩😎
In addiction recovery the same concept is embraced. That of emotional immaturity, and being 'stuck' at the age when someone decided to use a substance to cope in avoidance of moving through painful emotions. Similar to the concept of of dissociation as a result of trauma. Considering the relationship between trauma and addiction, it could suggest a more extreme progression of dissociation being facilitated by the substance. I'm curious to hear more of your thoughts on coping mechanisms that develop as a result of stunted emotional maturity. And how to approach resolving those to become more emotionally mature.
Adulthood is tough, but will grow you. Talk to your little one within you and say " babe you can walk beside me, (not in me - means l am aware l can be very childish) but l need to discipline your need to act out through me our childishness, but now adult actions, self responsibiltys await. Delayed gratification babe" Your inner you will smile. I promise.
These videos are old but I'm newer to your channel. You're incredibly intelligent & loving, kind. Common sense has been fried out of the everyday human let alone mental health professionals. Its helpful to know you exist out there, might be a few others too.
This is so true. I discovered that I was stuck with an EQ of a 12 year old so much later in life. When I looked back, I realised that was the age I had experienced huge trauma. From then on, I started to do the work to heal. Grieving, forgiving people who hurt me, and I have seen considerable growth in my EQ.
Daniel, l found your channel in the last few days, ‘ devouring’ the content now and can only echo what others are saying, that l am so grateful for your authenticity, that you’re not trying to sell me something ( though l have purchased your pdf for the healing steps, amazing ) and am just wanting to say a heart felt thank you for being here. Much love from me in Australia
At 45 years old, I regretfully admit I am not a fully-functional adult. It’s as if my development was arrested through genetics, upbringing, etc. In actuality, I feel like a terrified child in a man’s body. Very tough to live with that day in and day out.
Your channel and wisdom is superb Daniel. I started asking myself "what is an adult" about twenty years ago because it seemed to me "adults" were just people who exhibited anger and violent behaviour towards others, especially children, and I didn't want to be one of "them"
I really enjoy your channel. Your language for inner work and growth is wonderfully experientally oriented. I've used your insights and descriptions with my own clients and it has worked wonders. Thank you.
What does it mean to be an Adult? In my opinion.... 1. Age is just a number. Environmental and physical factors can facto your thinking habits, but just because you legally turned 18. It doesn't mean you have a fully mature mind, which in some areas I can still completely understand. 2. To have complete conscience over the world around you. I respect someone, who thinks outside the box, I want more questionnaires in this world, not mindless droves who follow the same linear path over and over. 3. Emotional acceptance. Yes, it is true we all have to control and mitigate our emotions. But, crying or being angry over something isn't a sign of mental weakness. It's simply your human expression coming through. Emotions are what makes someone human, to abandon it is asinine advice. 4. Having flaws. Accept it, even the most successful people have their own problems. Do your best to play the good guy role in life, but know you can't always save or please everybody. Seeing the imperfections of society is not your fault, and if you are wise enough. You will find peace and resonating reason.
I think what is a little confusing is, that yes, you get stuck in a child like way and it happened to me too, but I think what is also true is is that you have different parts of your sould and they can also represent different ages, like being super joyous and playful, like bein superstitious and full of magical thoughts... and that actually isn't necessarily a bad thing, I think it's a natural and wonderful thing, but what I havent figured out yet is how to distinguish the two or maybe there isnt an actual difference and they are just the healed and unhealed versions of each other, I think that just might be it.
Omg I m binging on your videos and reflecting on how childish I have been in my adult life, although in "crafty" ways as u mentioned! U r so right, self-reflection can be scary. Thank you for making this🎉❤
The only thing that doesn’t make me feel like an adult is my credit score. After divorce from a 22 year marriage, I stopped caring about credit for some reason. 😅 I do have quite a bit of emotional trauma I am still working through. But I keep educating myself with your videos. Thanks!
Narcissistic parents are the classic man/woman child. Usually with narc parents, things are all good until you grow to be a certain level (the level of emotional maturity the parent or part of the parent is at), which their ego gets threatened by. Boom. abuse, trauma, and stunted growth. Saves the narcissist's ego, and at the same time passes the same trauma down generation after generation.
i have a natural inner work inclinations i see tons of "smart" people on the topic out there but as i know so far, you are one of the out most inspiring and down to earth on thet topic on this underground journey, like a beacon.
I’ve been having similar thoughts, but more so about what innocence really is. Everyone wants independence so of course people are deceptive even to themselves. A time in which where you feel stuck is simply the environment you put yourself in. Society approves of maturity because it endorses the idea of independence as many past generations haven’t had the luxury of long distance relationships or even digital relationships without people.Not everything has be bad, but it makes perfect sense to believe that as life is suffering. I’m only 22, working in management of a million a week warehouse clearing the canvas for a new life & seeing everything from the corporate perspective is beyond childish. As long as you don’t lose yourself in others and be honest to yourself in fixing real problems. You can’t go wrong. Thank you Dr. Mackler, your honesty is helping more so than you think. I wish you well on your journey.
This video… Is my whole life. Am I fucked? I’m 36 btw. Thanks so much for this video. I will be forever grateful. I honestly love you for this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I couldn’t agree more. In my experience, we live in a world full of little kids in adult bodies who learned how to play adult based on observing and emulating other kids in adult bodies who learned how to play adult based on watching other little kids in adult bodies. Healing requires innovation and discovering/rediscovering what becoming an actual adult means.
I studied psychology as a laymen since I was 14. I worked through a lot and figured out a lot and it is good to get confirmations on my observations and musings.
Hello Daniel, lately i watch a lot of videos you make, and it helped me, i feel better with myself. Thank you for sharing your experience online and talking about your life and feelings in a truthful, intelligent manner. You don't work as a therapist but still greatly improve peoples lives, at least mine anyway thank you again you are doing great work!
It would be a miracle if they were more therapists like you to know human souls so well. You know to do the right questions you know how traumatized people feel. Most therapists don't understand a thing of what I was feeling and many of them are people who need to be worshipped. It is the worst thing it can happen. A narcissistic therapist.
The other day it really hit me that I'm really an adult adult. I take care myself have an apartment , and a car . But deep down I still think I'm a kid . I'm 26 years old
I'm so glad I found your channel. Thank you so so much for sharing your life with us. You may not realise it, but you're living in service of humanity ❤
So well said. You have a fantastic depth to your thought process and you touch on subjects and topics most people avoid mentioning because it makes them seem..... human. Hurt, pain, broken families are not cause for shame. Beautiful video, thankyou.
Thanks for the idea. However, I would say I already have a lot of videos on doing this -- basically all my self-therapy videos aim in this direction. Here's a link, though it might not have all my videos on the subject: ruclips.net/p/PLRHLaIzKomTjZpFsYI0NPnHUteoRHLTiL
I feel so glad for you and your clients that you asked them about age and what they answered you. / My adult, balanced, mature, empathic 70-year-old Feldenkraispedagogue told me that everybody has a vulnerable child-part that would like someone else to be their safe, caring, loving, seeing parent sometimes. With or vwithout childhood trauma! I was happily surprised and relieved, no need to feel ashamed for my feelings and needs.
I was never an adult. I've always been a little kid. I don't know any better and it doesn't get better. Some people are tom brady and some people are 2nd teamers
Who is an adult to me? Person who webt through developmental stages, Person who is learning and mastering skills needed to excel at their life. Person with strong morals, allowing them to be a quality friend, reliable partner, loving parent.
Adulthood at 63...l am only now getting? What it means? For me its the ability to walk alone without others opinions, not needing others for emotional wellbeing or answers. Ability to be aware of myself and my demands, expectstions from others. Having my authentic standards, values which are mine. Questioning and releasng programming of religions, society. Still growing up ....as l can still have tantrums when it does not live up to what l want etc. Hell.....how would l know.
I have worked with colleagues and it's like dealing with a mass of 4-6 year olds. It was real baby stuff, the interactions. I did not do well because I was expecting maturity, rational thought and decision making. They were so focused on their own insecurities and little friends feelings, the work ran a very poor second to all their shenanigans.
I had to change my career path. Since 2020 I'm seeing more 4 year old behavior from people. I took a pay cut but my health is better than ever. I also get to recharge. I wish more people would do the work to heal.
My experience of the world is that there are very few actual adults.
I see overgrown children everywhere in adult bodies.
True facts.
Gerhard Symons Yep
Ditto.
This has been the story of my life. I have been feeling incredibly lonely lately because of this. It is really hard being around people who are so selfish, immature, abusive and self absorbed. It's in those moments when you need some support that you realize how alone you really are.
@@michaeljensen4650 I would say that there are two major disappointments in life:
- realising that one's parents are fallible, perhaps even damaged people.
- the world is replete with insecure children who lead outwardly adult lives.
Well said. Me too. And not just overgrown children but traumatised overgrown children
I came to the same conclusion about "society being run largely by emotionally stunted people."
Glad to hear another person speak out about it.
I agree and I am also not an adult, with my insight. But I have the fear of not being an adult in terms of emotional intelligence and ability to earn a living. But a lot of men seem to be emotionally dead or stunted and they have no compassion. Capitalism rules over human weaknesses, I suppose.
@@sanatajmost people dont even think about emotional intelligence so the fact that you have it in consideration is already a step in the right way
Tbh, that's kind of like a childist stand.
I have yet to find a kid who is as manipulative, gaslighty, coercitive, volatile, aggressiven etc. as my boomer parents.
I think it's just trauma.
@@BL-sd2qwxxç. X x x xx x xx xx cc cc cc vvvvvfrbfvccvvvfvb cbr
Only 3 minutes into your video so I apologize if you state this later and I’m just being redundant, but I think society loves to posit adults as if they are naturally better than children, that adults are superior to children, etc. however, the reality is that children are in many ways miles ahead of adults, being that children, prior to being “tainted” by the hands of their parents, of their peers, of society, are actually much more emotionally open, their attachment to their “spirit” or to their inner self is very much still intact- and as for adults, not so much. Adults in many ways have regressed, they are the living manifestation, the breathing outcomes of societal pressures, of societal conformity, of society robbing them of their emotionality. Children are so much more naturally in touch with themselves, so spiritually free, and so I think in many ways we should never truly feel like an “adult” if being an adult means to have lost touch with these invaluable, beautiful aspects of what it means to be a child, to be a child in spirit and to be connected with oneself in the way that children naturally are.
That is very true, but: children are also not able to survive on their own. They don't understand things like responsibility, discipline, delaying gratification in order to accomplish long-term goals. I think it is balance what we are looking for. How to stay in contact with yourself, while looking after your responsibilities, which simply isn't always as 'fun' as being a child.
You're describing a good, safe childhood, my friend. Adults should feel like adults. Children should feel like children.
The 'natural' self does not exist, what you are describing is the absence of a framework of knowledge which informs but also instills doubt within a person about their world. It is simply unavoidable to lose the 'natural' self as you gain more knowledge since all it really is is a manifestation of ignorance.
Observe carefully and you will notice most adults treat children as they were some sort of stupids because of not knowing many facts they do and therefore every idea expressed by an infant is between wrong to unimportant at some degree
I agree, although children who manage to grow intp healthy adults would not lose this. Uts just that the adults most children see are emotionally stunted so are wounded chikdren in adult bodies. The more a child can hold onto their own knowing, instinct, intuition and sense of true self the more chance they have of healibg the rest and reaching maturity or enlightemnent as we call it, as its so rare these days)
I think you hit on a trait of Narc parents. Refusing to take responsibility and projecting adulthood, blame and guilt onto their children.
Virtually all parents do that.
It is a weird dishonest world. It’s so hard to be more awake/wake up but I’m not going back to sleep. It’s like you have to keep being reborn
People will devour you if they see realness. Keep running for cover until you are complete. Then go outside.
Be reborn in Christ!
Ultimately the concept of childhood, teenage and adults are socially constructed. It's humanhood showing at varying stages of physical growth. I felt overly mature through parentification and simultaneously immature through a lack of guidance from my narcissistic parents. This was a very interesting and informative video.
yes, can relate. i am a kidult, lol
Unfortunately far too many parents aren’t concerned about what’s going on inside their child’s emotional reality. Only those that are as honest with themselves as this gentleman can heal all the buried trauma
Yes, honest is significant, coupled with courage.
“Oh my kids are fineee”
Very true stuff. Anyone who tries to stamp out, punish, oppress you for being in touch emotionally, letting your true self to the surface; is confused, disturbed, oppressive, and cruel. Not to mention brainwashed by a very broken society and an expectation to conform to in an unhealthy way, roles which are usually cartoonish and 1- dimensional , and result in emotional deformities.
Insane people hurt recovering people , for attempting to not be insane any longer, the crabby cycle continues.
Very true. Great insight.
you described one of my parent very accurate. On top of that those people are unaware of it. But don’t mention that they are damaged and that they need to seek help. They will try to make you feel so bad about yourself you never could imagine that from a “loved” one.
Yes! The world rewards the suppression of emotions! So sad. I considers feelings the "taste buds" of the soul.
The hardest part of becoming an adult is that no matter how much you age, get a job, get a car, get a bank account, get a house, have a passport, have a wife and kids, their is always that one person who will never acknowledge you as an adult.
Especially in family
Especially with the last born (re: birth order).
I remember many years ago feeling like a child in my late twenties. A little later began thinking that because I was neglected my whole life.
I'm 53 years old now and still feel that way. Even more so. It's very freightening.
I can relate to you.
My grandmother, at age 78, told me she felt the same inside as everyone else, but everyone treated her differently because how she looked on the outside.
I once saw a 40 year old man, getting into trouble by his old father who was shouting at him up in his face threateningly, and the 40yo backing away saying repeating “No Dad, no dad! I didnt i didnt no no I didnt…”
The 40 yo was doing a role of being like an 8 yo child frightened of his father. To me it looked so odd, so strange / an adult being treated like a naughty kid.
I wondered why the old man didn’t discuss the issue and approach it like two mature adults.
The 40 yo thought his father was allowed to deal with people anyway he thought was necessary.
But the 40 yo abused other people, with the claim he was allowed to deal with people in whatever way he decided was necessary.
I'm 41 with ptsd, regression, signs of peter pan syndrome and some other things. I get you.
Some people erroneously think, that being an adult, is about being serious and somber all the time.
that is so wrong!
The likely hood of anything getting a good outcome is usually and generally 40%. Humans were born cynical the moment our ancestors climbed down from the trees. Dangerous predators roam around ready to kill wimpy apes, nature at it's fineist. In order to survive an paradoxically chaotically orderly world and keep your mind well a person must be both insane and sane, in other words in the middle of the spectrum. Humans weren't born mature so they aren't gonna act like it unless their forced, but immaturity has its roots to take and act fast, angerly, impatiently this is useful for human motivation to attack. All animals choose the easiest path for survival. Doesn't mean the easiest is the healthiest in your head. depression, dread, fear, anger all stems from the unknown. Why is it that kids are afraid of the dark? It's the fear of predators and primates willing to kill kids for food an instinctual paranoid imagination all humans have. To survive humans became paranoid and slowly, but surely devised ways to survive as much as possible. As such they imagined every bad thing that can happen. Why do you think the phrase "expect the worst hope for the best," is used alot? Their is a lot of truth in cynical thoughts. While not everything is dark most things are. To survive one must be willing to do what people consider insanity. Do you really think being completely sane is a good thing? Fat chance. Are you willing to kill a kid to save your family? If not good luck surviving in horrible situation in the Eastarn world 150000 years ago. The majority are insane. To be in the middle of the spectrum means your unpredictable if your unpredictable you won't be figured out so easy and if you won't be figured out so easy they can't find your mental weakness and psychopaths are less likely to mentally damage you. Sanity and insanity both have disadvantages and advantages. If your insane your more motivated to do whatever it takes, however this leads to horrible mental states and unbalance, but if your sane you would be less motivated to improve. After all geniuses are most of the time insane with high motivation, while some found happiness I would argue they got lucky on the middle ground of the spectrum of sanity/insanity. Happiness brings stagnation in growth, because you won't be as greedy to improve yourself if your satisfied. If you aren't paranoid you won't survive the next day, but if your too paranoid you won't be willing to cooperate. Take your pick be sane and happy, but won't survive the next day or insane and unhappy with a good chance to live the next day. Most will say happiness, but most humans will in reality take survival. After all we are all animals with instincts.
War will always exist as long as their is different groups of people to compete. Competition strive winning and striving to help your own group. Tribalism is a defense mechanism that promotes war. Once implemented civilization will improve itself continually till they get our level of tech. Most tech came from war not peace. As you look at the world more the more you realize how evil humans can be. What people call a selfless action isn't really selfless. In reality all good and evil actions stem from survival. Dopamine in the brain is the reward system if you do good guess what? Your being rewarded in the head for doing a "selfless" action. If you do "selfish" guess what your getting rewarded. Knowing this disproved the notion of good people. Their isn't any. It's all an illusion of the head. People only care about other people, because of a reward system in their head. Your only emotionally hurt when someone else is in pain, why? Why that ruins your reward system if you don't help and ruins your chance at survival. You may not realize it, but the more you look at it the more you realize that every aspect of humanity including suicide as well as war is an act of survival. Depressing people commit suicide to decrease the population of the tribe as well as to maintain stability and psychopaths rule the group to ensure order through violence wheather mentally or physically. To force people to improve themselves. If you ain't in the middle you are less likely to survive and improve if everyone were sane their wouldn't be motivated geniuses or motivated powerful people. Mother nature is a cruel one. Trying to be mature also has disadvantages. For example it takes awhile to fully mature, but if you stay immature and just act like it you act faster, however less of quality process. Maturity alienates others. As such your less likely to find a big group and considering the effort it takes its a long process. Mother nature is alot like a c+ student. Lazy and semi efficient. As such the world operates similarly. Not perfect, but just enough to get by. In other words it tries to always take the easy fast way out. That's why we have not alot of mature people. It's harder to bring birth to said people. And they out number you. Sorry, but sanity and happiness isn't always the best option as far as mother nature is concerned.
@@thoughtaddict2739 damn thats insane
lol
@@thoughtaddict2739 I can tell you're a real thought addict. Hominids being innately cynical for climbing out of the trees is a golden take lmao
An adult should be reasonable,honest in every situation,good at solving problems,empathetic,understanding,assertive,know when to say yes or no,give truthful comments not to hurt a person but build a person,know how to keep some things to themselves,forgiving,
aw man.. I see some of these things and know I don't have it in me yet.
I got so much to work on and struggling to know where to start. I struggle to trust that I can even get through it.
No wonder Joker went insane. A bunch of over grown children in adult bodies constantly bullying him and taking him to the brink of his sanity.
The comments in this video sum up very well how I’ve felt for decades. I’m 48 now and yet in many respects still feel absolutely stuck in my teen years where I had to endure many years of abuse and bullying by peers and faculty at school (best measured as incidents per hour exile at school) in addition to the isolation of being at a rural school where I was never accepted and thus left isolated (I had exactly one real friend who was also largely ostracized) for the entirety of my teen years, abuse that ultimately cost me my physical health (Fibromyalgia, myofascial pain syndrome, IBS, and severe chronic pain, to name just a few, in addition to episodes of depression) as well by the time I graduated at 18. I’ve long reflected on the fact that I have *never* felt like a proper adult, and I can’t say that missing so many normal mile markers in life - no career due to disability, no marriage, no children, etc. - due to severely limiting chronic and mental illness has exactly helped either, nor the fact that because I became disabled before I had even graduated high school I have been left wholly dependent upon my parents for most of my adult life (though my parents and sister are literally the only reason I am still here and were my only refuge during those years, otherwise I would have followed through and ended my life nearly 30 years ago). I have recently started therapy for C-PTSD and I hope that may help in the end as it has largely controlled my “adult” life for the past 30 years and hopefully it may also help with the loneliness and emptiness I have lived with for decades as I have avoided all romantic relationships for over 25 years after my first real relationship in my early 20s proved very violent and abusive as she was an undiagnosed borderline and ultimately destroyed the last remaining bits of trust I had as well as reinforcing the idea that romantic relationships and intimacy were simply too dangerous to ever pursue.
To add insult to injury, and yet somehow still a silver lining, I also discovered that the only truly *close* and enduring friend that I have been able to make in the past 36 years and the only person beyond my immediate family that I truly trust has been living (nearly) my exact same story for just as long as I have, only neither of us had ever been able to share our trauma with one another until one day a couple months ago when I finally broke down because I needed to talk to somebody I trusted and then she opened up about her past - it is hard to tell where my story begins and hers ends as they are that similar. By some odd twist of fate it turned out we had both started therapy the same week for C-PTSD the week before we talked...some 30 years and a couple months after we had graduated and left behind our abuse in high school only to have it spend those 30 years following us throughout our lives and relationships. So at least we both have someone we trust to talk to outside of therapy, but I would much rather she had never known that pain for herself.
Try to identify and examine your core beliefs. Morty Lefkoe has a list of suggested common mistaken beliefs that hamper us in life. If you can refute them you can free yourself from self-torment. You and a friend would be perfect to do it in tandem. I wish i had someone to do it with. The gits started your trouble, but you internalised it and took over the torment of yourselves, see what I mean? It can be reversed, especially with support.
Wow its liked reading my life but I'm 28 and your life sounds like mine. I also have myofascial pain. What therapy ot medicine do you take for muscle pain?
"No sensible child wants to be an incomplete human being." -- John Taylor Gatto
Someone who used to be my best friend started to go to therapy. She got wrapped up on "fake it until you make it". So her approach to being an adult is faking it, same thing with being happy. She doesnt accept it that Im trying to grief and talk about what happened to me in the past. We no longer have contact but this video helped me a lot. To know that Im being true to myself. Thank you for another wonderful video!
Your feelings are very valid but also your friends approach isn't that bad, it works for awhile untill the mask comes off. I hope your friend has the strength to overcome their issues and I hope you successfully grieve. All the best x
The only thing is, that many people get through life and are liked a lot more than i am, by having the mask, or the veneer of only talking positively about themselves. The grieving is only useful if it leads to somewhere better i.e. healing. I have never managed to make that change, I am stuck in the past. That is why people reject me. I am looking for reassurance and support and am not enough fun. I would have a better life if I ditched my principle and faked it.
Did you notice how Daniel said he examined his frozen parts and healed himself? Not sure how to achieve that. He didn't seem to say he used that to help the Vets, which disappointed me.
Has anyone tried NLP or CBT? They are therapies that are supposed to put reasoning into proportion i.e. to be able to detach us from distress and eliminate mistaken meaning from false childhood beliefs.
Heres some aspects I think are relevant.
Before you have healed, any happiness gained will not yet fully feel genuine. It will grow to be part of the mask. But thats not to say its better to be grumpy or sad or dwelling in negative emotion during that time.
For some people, their entire childhood was hopeless and put down and full of anxiety and low self image and always thinking bad is gonna happen. Fully healing is good and important, to get to the other side. But sometimes, you need to recharge a bit with some positivity you didnt get before, so you have more tools in your belt, on the journey to having more positivity toward self and others. Cant share what you dont have.
I missed out on 3 decades of my life doing fake it till you make it. Horrific when one first wakes up to that reality. I don't recommend it.
I was parentified, now this confuses me as I am very mature in some ways (too old) yet so childish in my emotions. I belong nowhere and have no idea who I am. Even my typing this I feel selfish I'm even talking about myself. Thankyou for this 😊
The way you describe the world being run by emotionally stunted traumatized people resonated with me. In my 20s and 30s I Felt like I was screwing people over at work for some corporate directions and my personal financial enrichment, because I was confused about my feelings and acted like everybody else at work (adults). I felt a great deal of stress and anxiety at that time but figured thats just how it was. After I’ve done my work on myself and heal much of the trauma, I care less about corporate profits and stress. I care more about my well being, coworkers and clients now. Thank you for the message.
What you're saying at trauma age stuntedness reminds me of a book I picked up at an op shop called Primal Therapy. I got cos the cover looked wild of a guy screaming, from the 70s, and hadn't aged well due to it having therapy for homosexuality. Ended up reading it a few years ago on a whim and learnt about people resolving their early traumas and recovering from lisps and dramatically physically changing which was stunted previously. Steve Jobs was a fan too, crazy
I think that people overestimate the impact of turning 18, 21, or whatever age until actually reaching it. When I was 16, I probably realized the lack of importance that turning 18 would have, but couldn’t confidently know how little it would mean until I actually turned 18 and got to experience it for myself. The way that I like to look at it, is life is like a bike; in childhood you spend time learning to ride, but by the time your 18 and can ride unsupervised, you’ve probably already been riding unsupervised for years.
Powerful topic.
I have a metaphorical house in my inner landscape that houses all the versions of myself from different periods of my life. The ADULT aspect of me often visits the house as a figurative social worker interviewing the selves to find out what needs are going unmet and tries to work with my actual real-life resources to meet those needs effectively. It's a very powerful metaphor that has done a lot to help me heal myself. It began as an image of my body living in a very rundown, neglected environment, non-verbal, sad and trying to die. Eventually I realized I could "move house" and bring all my former iterations to live in their ideal places. In this way I can provide "contact" of a sort with people who loved me and were there for me but who can't be now. The image of my body in the current version of my "house" is vibrant and beautiful, still non-verbal but profoundly present and joyful.
I so relate to your premature "adulting." When I taught people called "at risk" students I recognized their concerns and preoccupations from my own life. School seems silly to such "kids." When you have to take care of your siblings, pay the utility bills, caretake your parents, find money and food and satisfy strange monsters that hold you hostage in what is supposed to be your home, academic exercises seem ridiculous.
Wow, Tahiya, thanks for sharing! The mental metaphor you've described seems like a very powerful thing, and I'm glad to hear your perspective on the subject explored in the video.
Thank you. At the age of 42. Being in a very dysfunctional family with tonnes of abuse. I fell pregnant at 15. I left home and became an adult. I later at the age had child number 2. Single parent to both as my picker was truly off. It’s only now they are both adults.. and I started training as a therapist… it opened the door I had compartmentalised everything for alll these years and have been in survival- very high functioning. I moved away from becoming a therapist until I have dealt with my own stuff.. there has been a lot to unpack! I have developed deep anxiety due to shame.. and unpacking that. I have suppressed my anger for decades too… I feel very derealised currently as there is so much to process. Becoming very inflated has definitely been a coping mechanism… so now I am learning to be vulnerable with myself finally! It’s painful! 💓 your videos are so helpful! Thank you so much for sharing your stories.. I hope I can do the same one day too ☺️
It's a very deep conversation! On one hand, some children were overly protected and lacked challenges for them to grow and practice the essential life skills at an early age. On the other hand, some children did not have the sense of security to play, make mistakes, and experiment with life. Both are necessary. But it's difficult to find the right balance.
i wonder what its like for someone to be traumatized as a child in a way where they needed to grow up fast then traumatized as an adult where they get stuck in age
Daniel you are just so beautiful with your sight and words. I see my child self come out at times. Both good and not so great. I think also the topic of keeping and even reclaiming parts of the child self (play, curiosity, wonder, exploration) is super key in optimal mental and soulful health. It is sad how it is so striped away from adulthood. Everything is so mechanical, processed, planned out, compartmentalized.
We spend our childhoods looking up to adults. We are told that if we try hard we can be like our parents or role models. Looking up to these people tells children: ‘this person must have a full picture of life, and know what they’re doing’ but after chasing these dreams and living up to your role models you realize that they were probably just as clueless as you are now. Children assume that being an adult means knowing all the answers, but these people never feel like an adult because they never can know it all.
Thank you for this Daniel. I'm 21 and i still feel like a child deep down. I still love the things i did as a child and even though I take responsibility and I take care of myself I still go outside and encounter children, I have friends who have kids and they act less mature than their children. I remember as a kid going out in public and seeing full grown mother's yelling at people when they don't get their way. My own mother was very childish and my dad wasn't around so I felt the need to step up and take on adult responsibilities to help her and alot of the time I felt very mature by the age of 12. As a adult I look like a adult, I smoke cigarettes like a adult. I drink alcohol like a adult. But when I come home I sit down and play Sims 2 and watch Hannah Montanna because that's what reminds me of being a kid. I don't think anyone ever really grows up but when you are mature it's a different set of lenses out in the world.
Thank you Daniel! So many people have sent you thank you messages already that at first I thought if I did my own that would just be redundant. But to me it's important to express my gratitude. Besides, I guess getting a "thank you" doesn't ever get old, right? So one more time: Thank you Daniel, your work means a lot to me. And here's my admittedly very selfish wish (that I would urge you to read as a compliment): Please do go on. Your stuff is truly upliftig und inspiring.
Thanks!! --Daniel
My narcissistic and sadistic mother liked it when I rebelled as a teenager because 1) she was secretly hoping someone would kill me on one of my run aways from home 2) she would set my father against me when the police brought me back home, and enjoyed it when he beat the hell out of me (which he did whenever he was angry) 3) she wanted me to come back home in tears because she always claimed I absolutely couldn't make it in life without her. I suppose she was right. I got really beaten by life whenever I tried to free myself from her. And I came to conclusion that life outside is extremely dangerous (her words) and I am safe only at home. I hate her but I can't free myself from her, we partially depend on her financially with my son. My fear of going out and finding a job that would actually give me better money is much greater than the desire to be free (I work from home but earn too little to move out). I don't recognize myself anymore. I keep myself alive for my son, otherwise I'm like a robot. I don't know how I could conquer this fear, it is extreme. I even find it hard to be outside seeing a friend or doing shopping for longer than necessary because I just want to be back home and feel safe again which is just an illusion because it's her house in which me and my son are just intruders.
How are you today ?
I regret not rebelling more than I did
I can tell you most of those vets are dealing with similar childhood trauma plus on top of that, the immorality and shame of being a solider in an unethical war. Thanks for sharing your story is very important and comes from a place of love.
Thank you for uploading this ! I really appreciate your work.
Excellent video, Daniel. You always strike deep cords !!! Thank you for your work!
My mother was emotionally unstable so I had to be my own parent and be more responsible as a kid. I have worked since I was 14, sometimes having a full time job and an extra part time job or two. Now at the age of 53, and not in debt for anything, I don't want to work or do much of anything, I want to be a kid, the kid I never got to be. I do not want to be responsible for anything other than having the minimum things for everyday existence. I do not want to have to answer to anyone, especially an incompetent supervisor or boss.
Very interesting the way u talk about being stuck at different stages. It's hard to differentiate between the different 'parts' of the self. There is no real map which exists!
jem benton The Homecoming by John Bradshaw is the best book and method for reclaiming and championing the different ages of inner children within ourselves
Hmmm that book might be helpful to me, thank you for sharing!!
@@heartwisdomlove Wow! Someone connected. I really appreciate your response. Thank you.
As I get older and older I seeing alot of the traumas of my childhood emerge as I take time to myself and unravel my past. I really appreciate all the videos that you've took the time to create for us, Daniel. The service that you provided is priceless
Excellent Message Thank you !!!
And yes you are inspiring me!
I think about veterans a lot and what they went through at such young ages, especially the Vietnam vets. That is why especially now that many are retired, that they hang out together. I guess it has always been that way, only other vets from the same war can understand what they went/are going through.
13:15 I stopped growing up after that
20:48 Functioning in society is very hard because of pathological immature adults
22:48 Being emotionally mature is the best way to be a healthy adult.
Listening to this share; I came away with a deep appreciation of you as a therapist. You really care about your clients and honestly work on yourself as well. Bravo! You’re beautiful ✨
Human pre-frontal cortex does not stop developing until about 25.
That’s when life stops being fun
Daniel, I discovered your content couple weeks ago. My healing journey started 2 years ago when I had the chance to leave my family. I can’t express how much your videos are helping me to heal. Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
This was a good video for me to see right now May 2023 as opposed to any time in the past since the video first came out.
This became really clear to me when at the end you spoke about what it means to be an adult and you said it is not about doing all the things that we are expected to do by society. Get a good job, get married, buy a house, raise children and so on. Instead it's about becoming emotionally present with ourselves. I literally started to sob as you began to describe what it means to be an adult according to society because I have experienced none of that and so identified with for the first time feeling emotionally present with myself.
I had so much trauma from earlier in my life that realizing any of the so called adult traditions was overwhelming to me. But especially in the last four years I have been able to grieve at deeper levels and in so doing heal that trauma and become more emotionally present with myself. So this video really validated my experience in a big way and I thank you!
I’m so happy for you that the emotions were triggered. There’s so much healing in the sobbing. Keep well
So true! Here's a great resource that helped me a whole lot this year - "Reclaiming Your Childhood:Life Lessons for the Adult Child" by Judy Klipin
Well done Daniel for having the humility and presence of mind to ask those veterans how they felt about your age and offer the option for them to have a maturer more life lived person and use it within the therapeutic process.I really wished more therapists would do this,actually bring their own doubts or insecurities to within the therapy room,such a good idea to use.I would have copped out probably and felt totally inadequate rather than bringing into the fore.It must have been alot though to listen to people who had been through so much trauma,I think this is another aspect which does not get talked about enough and thats how I think too many therapists are working out on a limb without proper peer support,at least thats how it looks to me.To deal with so much trauma there must be a much more robust support system than a monthy or whatever it is supervision with one person
For most of humanity, death, war and famine, children would have to grow up fast. I'd like to hear that background context with this topic.
I can really relate to your experience of being parentifide very very young. I missed being able to play. At 16 I left home and the freedom to catch up was so good. I grew up and healed within a few years.
You just told my story . I was super fast tracked to ACT like a grownup, because there was no place for me to be a child. The adults around me, were not interested in giving me permission to be a child , or give me respect as an adult !! What a mess !! ~ Richard Grannon, RUclips, has lots of videos on how to cope with POST TRAUMATIC STRESS, and COMPLEX PTS. This is not something that can be fixed by talking & crying. It requires being able to connect with one’s emotions, be aware of my emotions & learn how to work with them. I feel it is a beneficial way to deal with past trauma. Getting the job & going through the adult paces, on its own, does not remedy childhood trauma. One can learn all kinds of adult functions without having comprehension or recovery. Best wishes to everyone going through this. PS. No one knows what the future holds in the next 5 minutes , so just do your best .. 😉🤩😎
Irene lyon and Peter Levine also provide VERY helpful ways of dealing with trauma in a way that is very deep and bodily and sustainable
In addiction recovery the same concept is embraced. That of emotional immaturity, and being 'stuck' at the age when someone decided to use a substance to cope in avoidance of moving through painful emotions. Similar to the concept of of dissociation as a result of trauma. Considering the relationship between trauma and addiction, it could suggest a more extreme progression of dissociation being facilitated by the substance.
I'm curious to hear more of your thoughts on coping mechanisms that develop as a result of stunted emotional maturity. And how to approach resolving those to become more emotionally mature.
Adulthood is tough, but will grow you. Talk to your little one within you and say " babe you can walk beside me, (not in me - means l am aware l can be very childish) but l need to discipline your need to act out through me our childishness, but now adult actions, self responsibiltys await. Delayed gratification babe" Your inner you will smile. I promise.
These videos are old but I'm newer to your channel. You're incredibly intelligent & loving, kind. Common sense has been fried out of the everyday human let alone mental health professionals. Its helpful to know you exist out there, might be a few others too.
This is so true. I discovered that I was stuck with an EQ of a 12 year old so much later in life.
When I looked back, I realised that was the age I had experienced huge trauma. From then on, I started to do the work to heal. Grieving, forgiving people who hurt me, and I have seen considerable growth in my EQ.
Daniel, l found your channel in the last few days, ‘ devouring’ the content now and can only echo what others are saying, that l am so grateful for your authenticity, that you’re not trying to sell me something ( though l have purchased your pdf for the healing steps, amazing ) and am just wanting to say a heart felt thank you for being here. Much love from me in Australia
same, so beneficial
At 45 years old, I regretfully admit I am not a fully-functional adult. It’s as if my development was arrested through genetics, upbringing, etc. In actuality, I feel like a terrified child in a man’s body. Very tough to live with that day in and day out.
Your channel and wisdom is superb Daniel. I started asking myself "what is an adult" about twenty years ago because it seemed to me "adults" were just people who exhibited anger and violent behaviour towards others, especially children, and I didn't want to be one of "them"
I really enjoy your channel. Your language for inner work and growth is wonderfully experientally oriented. I've used your insights and descriptions with my own clients and it has worked wonders. Thank you.
What does it mean to be an Adult? In my opinion....
1. Age is just a number. Environmental and physical factors can facto your thinking habits, but just because you legally turned 18. It doesn't mean you have a fully mature mind, which in some areas I can still completely understand.
2. To have complete conscience over the world around you. I respect someone, who thinks outside the box, I want more questionnaires in this world, not mindless droves who follow the same linear path over and over.
3. Emotional acceptance. Yes, it is true we all have to control and mitigate our emotions. But, crying or being angry over something isn't a sign of mental weakness. It's simply your human expression coming through. Emotions are what makes someone human, to abandon it is asinine advice.
4. Having flaws. Accept it, even the most successful people have their own problems. Do your best to play the good guy role in life, but know you can't always save or please everybody. Seeing the imperfections of society is not your fault, and if you are wise enough. You will find peace and resonating reason.
Thank you Daniel fascinating and thought provoking as always.
This video is so healing. Thank you!
Same. I'm 19 but feel like many parts of me didn't grow past 12 years of age.
I’m forever grateful for your existence. You are a real gem to the world. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
This is a more profound talk than is being recognized. Thank you for this analysis.
I think what is a little confusing is, that yes, you get stuck in a child like way and it happened to me too, but I think what is also true is is that you have different parts of your sould and they can also represent different ages, like being super joyous and playful, like bein superstitious and full of magical thoughts... and that actually isn't necessarily a bad thing, I think it's a natural and wonderful thing, but what I havent figured out yet is how to distinguish the two or maybe there isnt an actual difference and they are just the healed and unhealed versions of each other, I think that just might be it.
Omg I m binging on your videos and reflecting on how childish I have been in my adult life, although in "crafty" ways as u mentioned! U r so right, self-reflection can be scary. Thank you for making this🎉❤
The only thing that doesn’t make me feel like an adult is my credit score. After divorce from a 22 year marriage, I stopped caring about credit for some reason. 😅
I do have quite a bit of emotional trauma I am still working through. But I keep educating myself with your videos. Thanks!
What is meant for me
Will come my way.
This is how I feel about finding this channel (not that I was consciously looking for it)
Narcissistic parents are the classic man/woman child. Usually with narc parents, things are all good until you grow to be a certain level (the level of emotional maturity the parent or part of the parent is at), which their ego gets threatened by. Boom. abuse, trauma, and stunted growth. Saves the narcissist's ego, and at the same time passes the same trauma down generation after generation.
i have a natural inner work inclinations
i see tons of "smart" people on the topic out there
but
as i know so far, you are one of the out most inspiring and down to earth on thet topic on this underground journey, like a beacon.
The vet segment makes so much sense. I never thought about trauma that way.
I’ve been having similar thoughts, but more so about what innocence really is. Everyone wants independence so of course people are deceptive even to themselves. A time in which where you feel stuck is simply the environment you put yourself in. Society approves of maturity because it endorses the idea of independence as many past generations haven’t had the luxury of long distance relationships or even digital relationships without people.Not everything has be bad, but it makes perfect sense to believe that as life is suffering. I’m only 22, working in management of a million a week warehouse clearing the canvas for a new life & seeing everything from the corporate perspective is beyond childish. As long as you don’t lose yourself in others and be honest to yourself in fixing real problems. You can’t go wrong.
Thank you Dr. Mackler, your honesty is helping more so than you think. I wish you well on your journey.
I feel like I regressed.
I used to be way more adult with 19 then now with 29.
And sometimes it feels like my grandmother is making me that child.
Just WOW, thank you, I have tears in my eyes listening to your video, it's a shock to feel understood for the first time.
This video…
Is my whole life.
Am I fucked? I’m 36 btw.
Thanks so much for this video.
I will be forever grateful.
I honestly love you for this.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Omg this process is so painful, messy, humbling... thank you!!
very thought provoking video, as usual. Gawd, I wish my 24 yr old son had you as his therapist
I couldn’t agree more. In my experience, we live in a world full of little kids in adult bodies who learned how to play adult based on observing and emulating other kids in adult bodies who learned how to play adult based on watching other little kids in adult bodies.
Healing requires innovation and discovering/rediscovering what becoming an actual adult means.
I studied psychology as a laymen since I was 14.
I worked through a lot and figured out a lot and it is good to get confirmations on my observations and musings.
Hello Daniel, lately i watch a lot of videos you make, and it helped me, i feel better with myself. Thank you for sharing your experience online and talking about your life and feelings in a truthful, intelligent manner. You don't work as a therapist but still greatly improve peoples lives, at least mine anyway thank you again you are doing great work!
It would be a miracle if they were more therapists like you to know human souls so well. You know to do the right questions you know how traumatized people feel. Most therapists don't understand a thing of what I was feeling and many of them are people who need to be worshipped. It is the worst thing it can happen. A narcissistic therapist.
The other day it really hit me that I'm really an adult adult. I take care myself have an apartment , and a car . But deep down I still think I'm a kid . I'm 26 years old
I'm so glad I found your channel. Thank you so so much for sharing your life with us. You may not realise it, but you're living in service of humanity ❤
I just found him also in the last few days. What a gem eh! Keep well Leila
@@Johannastairwellstudio you too johanna ☺️
I am so thankful I recently discovered your channel! Absolutely therapeutic and healing listing to you! 💕
A great video, thank you, Daniel! 💖
Thanks Daniel! Your description of the experience with war veterans was powerful. It's a pleasure to listen to you.
What an inspiring story about the veterans :)
So well said. You have a fantastic depth to your thought process and you touch on subjects and topics most people avoid mentioning because it makes them seem..... human. Hurt, pain, broken families are not cause for shame. Beautiful video, thankyou.
All I know is I’m screwed up. I didn’t have to revisit my issues until after my decade long relationship ended.
such a well thought-out message with great life examples. appreciate you!!!
Thank you for doing this. Would you please do a video on how to access the split up parts and how to begin to work on them?
Thanks for the idea. However, I would say I already have a lot of videos on doing this -- basically all my self-therapy videos aim in this direction. Here's a link, though it might not have all my videos on the subject: ruclips.net/p/PLRHLaIzKomTjZpFsYI0NPnHUteoRHLTiL
@@dmackler58 thank you ♥️
I feel so glad for you and your clients that you asked them about age and what they answered you. / My adult, balanced, mature, empathic 70-year-old Feldenkraispedagogue told me that everybody has a vulnerable child-part that would like someone else to be their safe, caring, loving, seeing parent sometimes. With or vwithout childhood trauma! I was happily surprised and relieved, no need to feel ashamed for my feelings and needs.
I was never an adult. I've always been a little kid. I don't know any better and it doesn't get better. Some people are tom brady and some people are 2nd teamers
We are so accustomed to disguising ourselves to others that in the en we become disguised to ourselves.
-François de La Rochefoucauld
Great insightful video as usual. 🎉
Thank you dear Daniel!
I thank you for mirroring me as I am doing my self work. Part of me knows it is crucial but self doubt has also factored. Thanks for the support!
We also have a lot of adults in the US; who are goofballs, most of the time. That, is not too good, either.
Who is an adult to me?
Person who webt through developmental stages,
Person who is learning and mastering skills needed to excel at their life.
Person with strong morals, allowing them to be a quality friend, reliable partner, loving parent.
Adulthood at 63...l am only now getting? What it means? For me its the ability to walk alone without others opinions, not needing others for emotional wellbeing or answers. Ability to be aware of myself and my demands, expectstions from others. Having my authentic standards, values which are mine. Questioning and releasng programming of religions, society. Still growing up ....as l can still have tantrums when it does not live up to what l want etc. Hell.....how would l know.
Thank you, Daniel.
I have worked with colleagues and it's like dealing with a mass of 4-6 year olds. It was real baby stuff, the interactions. I did not do well because I was expecting maturity, rational thought and decision making. They were so focused on their own insecurities and little friends feelings, the work ran a very poor second to all their shenanigans.
I had to change my career path. Since 2020 I'm seeing more 4 year old behavior from people. I took a pay cut but my health is better than ever. I also get to recharge. I wish more people would do the work to heal.