I am ENTIRELY cynical and disgusted with mankind. Yet, you are a rare gem of true honesty, decency, and wisdom...and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your brilliant insights and sincerity to help others!🙏
I've Googled "lost faith in humanity" and all I get are (shitty) reasons for _not_ losing faith in humanity. I think anyone who's really thought it through probably has lost faith in humanity, but we're not "supposed" to. It's not accepted.
@@LadyhawksLairDotCom I am quite convinced, if you haven't lost faith in humanity, then you haven't been paying attention. Certain individuals are fantastic; mankind, itself, is a vile, wretched species that wore out its welcome a long time ago!
@@-WiseGuy- Unfortunately, I agree. The most intelligent people I know tend to agree on this subject, which is not a positive augury for the continued existence of humankind.
@@GolemINFJ I don't know about comments like that. Seems like selective attention on your part...mixed with denial, dashed with a little naive optimism?🤔 Mankind is a hideous, wretched, vile species...with relatively few exceptions. Only a minuscule fraction of humans are truly beautiful; most are 'uglier than sin'! I only have practically ALL of human history and 99% of the (insane) behavior of the modern world to support my position.
Idk why i didn't notice it the first time but the observation that anger that cant be directed at parents or bullies around you gets directed at yourself is brilliant.
This is absolutely true. People pick up on clues and can instinctively tell if you’re a person they can fuck with or not. As I worked more and more on my boundaries, I noticed that a slight change in tone of voice of expression on my part now would immediately convey to most people that I’m not to be fucked with. And I used to be a giant pushover.
1. Anger : in the moment, appropriate for the situation 2. Unhealthy/inappropriate/extreme anger 3. mix between 1 and 2 : old built up and in the moment
When you are dependent and can't fend for yourself you're not allowed to be angry. I remember the first time I rented a room and paid rent for it. Most of my money was gone but it was such a good feeling to know that I couldn't be thrown out just because I didn't have the right look on my face or allow someone to say abusive things to me. (With a smile on her face and a laugh - like my mother and sister did.)
I used to be a person who didn’t know how to deal with my anger. I either suppressed it or lost control of it. And since I started my healing process, I began to face my anger more honestly though deep down I still saw it as an ugly emotion. Nevertheless, what I also realized was my anger disclosed parts of my true self little by little. They are versions of me that have been abandoned for too long. Now, I am learning to use my anger as a motive for pushing forward. Anger will not be a monster as long as we know how to work with it. That’s my personal experience.
It's hard to be a human among other humans. You must learn to express everything correctly: anger, fear, love...every emotion. If you express it wrong - problems follow.
You explain this so well. Especially how we have to become dysfunctional in a dysfunctional family, repression, dissociation, etc., but then we unwittingly bring it forward with us in life, recreating the dysfunction. Until we wake up. Bravo.
Past caring what people will think of me or like me. No longer smile first. I push back hard only to discover that they are bluffing…and then back down. I am in my power and it goes a long way to a place of inner calm.
As a child I remember faking anger because I remember that people would benefit by being angry. I didn’t have an angry bone in my body as a little boy, I had to fake it. But I had one heck of a self-defense mechanism built into me, and it didn’t take any thought to use it.
You are so helpful to me. I feel totally seen for the first time in my life. I’m one of 12 children. Blended Mormon family. I can’t begin to explain my gratitude. Thank you
In my culture we often repress our real anger and have disproportionate outbursts of anger frequently, and recipient of such anger would repress to maintain harmony and outbursts his or her internalized against vulnerable people in our lives, specifically children, the elderly and the dependent.
My parents and my older brother wanted absolute obedience, to the point of even my thoughts had to be aligned with their desires. And they demanded, harangued and beat me until I acquiesced. I was adopted at the age of 6,so they had some work to do before I was broken, but they did break my will. And that took almost 40 years of my life to get past. I'm 50, and started waking up from this about 7 years ago, gained even more freedom in the past 2 years as I discovered Red Pill ideas
Did you find that every romantic relationship you’ve been in has been the same to? Or have you mostly had loving relationships? Definitely sounds like they treated you like a slave and that’s sad. People are all unique beings and being controlled in this way is just sad.
Hey man i'm sorry this happened. It was wrong and unfair and you were an innocent kid. I would be careful with red pill stuff. Some of it is great some is pure negativity. I actually predict the mental health crisis continues to go nuclear in the first world. Every time some documentary pans a tribe in the middle of nowhere they are all dancing and smiling whereas you can sit on a bench for 15 minutes in a busy first world area and see more dysfunction than a ren and stimpy episode. Dan is such a wonderful person. I just discovered him yesterday. My family is extremely dysfunctional. I am not a God or a medical professional but I truly believe the average person needs these things to have a happy life: 1. A spiritual belief system of something that makes sense to them. I studied Buddhism, Hinduism and Christianity to form my beliefs that the spiritual higher power is pure love. 2. Exercise program 3 to 6 days a week could be anything from dancing or tai chi to bodybuilding or wind surfing 3. A plan that involves spending a significant amount of time in nature every month. I 100% believe one of the reasons so many people are unhappy is information overload. I was a skinny no friends loser in high school. I'm 41. Thank God we didn't have facebook and social media. The thing is I understood I was in the bottom 10% socially, the last picked in dodgeball class guy. In college I got into lifting weights and changed my life. After being abused by two women physically and otherwise in relationships I realized if someone is a ladies man who has been with hundreds of women or if someone is a virgin it really doesn't matter. Thats a human trait to form heirarchies and make ourselves or others out to be greater or lesser. Discovering real spirituality changed how I see everything.
Boy can I ever relate to your relationship to your own anger! I had to stuff it down for my entire childhood because it wasn’t safe to defend myself at the time, so dissociation was the only option. But like you said, it’s still there under the surface just compounding and accumulating…and the underground lake runs deep, the reservoir is massive! And every once in a while the levee breaks, it reaches a critical mass, and the pressure valve blows open and I explode in RAGE over something trivial or that’s not such a big deal in reality, but I’m raging about all the past hurts and injustices and taking it out on this unfortunate person in the moment. My wrath and fury erupts in so much disproportion to the current situation, and I look like a hostile unhinged freak! And then afterwards, I feel bad and guilty and ashamed and also hideously emotionally defective…pathetically socially inadequate… terribly character flawed…bad, evil, monstrous… And when you never got to express anger and have zero practice showing anger in a healthy or effective way, you don’t know how to handle it appropriately or like a normal person would as an adult… hence the menacing… Poor parenting has long lasting impacts that really can impair a persons life when they grow up. Relationships in particular are incredibly challenging and I feel hopelessly inept at times.My emotional stuntedness definitely hinders my ability to get along in the world, and it’s so embarrassing sometimes following an episode…
I’ve dealt with a lot of shit with my immediate family too, and a lot of that resentment did burst out roughly the same time this video was uploaded. Thank you so much Daniel. I will really try to channel my energy towards something much much greater!
Thank you Daniel, this is great. When I encounter historical anger, one of the ways I process it is to imagine my boundary all around me (eggshell shape) and that the rage coming out is pouring directly into that boundary, healing it and strengthening it and repairing it. Then the anger is not inside me anymore, but also not going out and hurting anyone else. It's at the appropriate place - the boundary that was violated in the past. This makes that old anger very manageable and it feels SO satisfying to do this practice. I learned this from Karla McLaren with her work around emotions.
@@springwood1331I find if I want to defend others if I can stop a moment and look at myself what is going on is that the violation that person A is doing on person B are knocking up against my own internal wound of similar violation or it's fear from my past when no one stood up for me this allows me to then look back at that situation is it indeed a violation, should I interfear & if so how so as me truama dumping my old rage into the mix doesn't help person B. So how can I constructively aid person B and do they want me to? Would me doing so actually help them or not? Cuz sometimes person B needs to work out the altercation solo learning to navigate discord, other times person A was told prior the boundary is don't nag this person if person A is nagging this person then I can come in tell person A "The boundary is no nag you're nagging leave person B alone" Person A hates when I get involved on these matters so it chases them off. Either way if you are standing up for yourself or another you want to find the heart of the matter or the pinch point. Yet you want to make sure you have the right pinch point/heart matter you don't want to use your own inner pinch point to tell off person A when really the pinch point for person B is actually problem issue T. If you don't know the person or can't sense what is the T your aid can be limited or else make it all worse and either you & person B are in dual protection mode or else your now the bad guy full sail. If you want to be that bad guy and derail the whole affair onto you and up your scapegoat points you can do so as long as you can take the hits in the moment and the future ones what will just keep giving. As what I've experienced if I go into the defend of another and i'm now the new target if I cast castle of steel and stand there and keep allowing the person A to vocally wail on me this grants me no boon from person B all it does is makes the entire environment hate me now and forever they add it to my personal score card of I'm the problem and now I have a new mark on the card they can keep as reasons why I'm the problem & they all hate me as I'm their scape goat. And person B can't thank me or help me in most cases later on as they need those people I know they can't return any favors I do. Assessing the right violation point will drive the person A away fast yet you may not get any additional support you're still swinging alone out there & you need to keep your anger out, do not let any of their words or accusations phase you which I've noticed is effortless if you've healed that pinch/pain point within yourself if not you'll struggle or fail, your job is to point out the pain point, tell them it's wrong or not ok, and get out not wage war, not go down a list of charges, not run off into a history lesson, not unpack bags, if you're standing up for yourself you can add in they need to apologize to you or amend like this yet if they refuse don't give chase, take notes instead this person is unsafe, untrustworthy, toxic, whatever and stop arguing and defending they're showing you who they are, what you mean or don't mean to them, and how they value or don't value you.
The biggest trigger for my C-PTSD is being a party to other people's anger, ie in road rage, etc., or especially now with witnessing COVID-ragers. Likely because my dad was a "rageaholic" that was always directed at me! But I am now able to see anger from different perspectives after watching this video. Thank you for sharing.
It is interesting when you talk about the mixed anger. I have had coworkers who I know had been bullied or I think have been bullied and they would sometimes have what I thought were total overreactions when they felt talked down to, when that was not the case or intention of anybody. They would read some hidden insults into what was said or if you told them something like you were busy and couldn't talk, they would take that as "shut up you are not important". I can understand how that would come from having been bullied. Having been talked down to, having passive-aggressive and toxic pokes at you and so on, that you would think it was happening again when it really wasn't. Fortunately, it was possible to clarify that no such aggression was meant and move on from it in these cases.
So true. And yet, I think one thing you left out is...anger we feel not so much by being violated, but by being ignored. Sins of omission against us, rather than sins of commission. Love removed, love withheld, frequently being ignored and overlooked and rejected. You feel like you're being stepped on. It took me a long time to see that as a violation, but it was. It's like lancing a pustule, an abscess, and draining the abandonment wound.
So I do this thing where I have an idea and then I search the internet to see if anyone more professional than me has already said it... which is how I found your video about the idea that stockholm syndrome is happening in basically every family dynamic there is. Anyway, i just wanted to thank you for making these videos. Each one is more relatable for me than the last as I continue this journey of forgiving my parents and doing twelve-step work which had been helping me negotiate these healthy and unhealthy resentments that sometimes get tangled up with eachother in my daily life. Thank you!
In my own healing journey, I've found your videos immensely helpful and inspiring. Thank you for your honesty and fearless openness. So much of what you share about your path resonates with my own. Thank you for your work and films. Standing at this diverging path ahead, the inner work and self therapy has helped choose the direction that is going to be most beneficial. It's comforting to listen to your story and feel validated in so many ways. Often it's not the validation of a well meaning friend or a paid therapist that means the most to us, but hearing someone else who has been there.
My psychology teacher back in high school was amaized to hear I considered myself a bad person, because, usually, even the vilest of people consider themselves good.
Your psychology teacher did not know that much then,the Shame Compass f ex- and the fact that human beings are unique with an individual I, individuality and a spirit, in contrast with the animals. And that we are at different stages or places in our soul landscapes: Maybe you'd repress your self-loathing too later on, if you weremnn't able to resolve it, to try to get (fake) relief or automatically with increased energy stagnations and reversals. Those vile ones, were probbaly farther gone in their downward spiral break-down. Or had worse traumas than you, or had to suppress them more fpor other reasons.
Thanks for the great content bro. The more I learn about mental health the more I hear how it all comes back to the reactions of the parental or adult figures prominent in developmental stages of infancy and childhood. I know people blame a lot of unhappiness and use it as a reason to adopt a victim/doomed/apathetic mindset. Thanks for being so honest and open with your reflections, it's nice to hear a guy talking about this stuff. I'm slowly learning that the numbness, unaffectionate, dissociation state that I fall into now and then has a reason and that it can potentially be remedied by compassionate and honest self reflection.
Dear Daniel, you are so special--I wish I could express that in a more profound way. When I watch your videos, I always have a flood of thoughts and memories and feelings. This is the flood now: When I was growing up, I used to go into my room and cry a stifled, agonizing cry and beat myself in the head. Slap and hit. No body knew I was doing that. No body saw this until in a relationship as an adult. Even though I understood a lot of what was going on around me, and to me back then, and that the people around me were very sick, and I had an ability to intellectualize so much, I couldn't understand why I was doing that. I thought, why would any person hit themselves? I thought it seems like the act of someone who doesn't like themselves. But I don't hate myself, I thought. I can't see that I hate myself. So, why is it then, I thought. I couldn't come up with anything except I thought I am in so much pain that it has to go somewhere. I always rejected the idea that I have self-loathing. I considered it some kind of 'base' feeling--I thought it meant that I was self-absorbed to feel that way about myself, and I thought it so unwise, and how could I be so unwise, on and on. Because of the judgements and so-called intellectualizing that I made on my self, I couldn't see parts of myself straight. The truth of what it is. But, now I can observe more clearly--I seem to have self-loathing. Now I am 47, and I can start to see it. I don't hit myself in the head anymore, but I can notice so many thoughts towards myself that are very harsh, but I am so used to thinking that way that it has just been woven into the fabric of how I exist. Can't unravel it til you see it. Took a while. My mother said to me when I was about 12, "You use the word 'I' too much." Boy, that was a good one! A glimmer of that feeling is creeping up now, but I will allow it....Thank you for the most true, direct, thorough, profound insights I have come across from another person about all this painful stuff.
Thanks for this video. As someone who has always had anger and really never in the past knew how to appropriately express it, I can really relate. Only very recently, at 50 years old am I finally learning how to deal with my anger and when to express it appropriately. Like you mentioned, untangling old anger that I was not allowed to express from current healthy boundary setting anger triggered by just dealing with people that don't have clear boundaries, or at least think that they do not have to have clear boundaries or respect when I deal with them, can be a very tricky thing.
I have a lot of suppressed anger that I turn in on myself and turn into self hatred. I sometimes wonder if that wasn't one of the drivers of why I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at the age of 48, like the body keeps score. Have you ever done a video on what effect suppressed anger and other symptoms of childhood trauma can have on physical health?
Sorry for your diagnosis you may also like the Metaphysical Anatomy vol 2 by Evette Rose. The second book is a resource book that goes into the energy behind what issue it's unique in that it has mental states too so as you sort through your own feelings and emotions this can aid in you looking at what is confined to that x you're looking at and she has questions to prompt you into thinking on the xyz so you can process it for instance: Cancer (1/10 paragraphs on the topic): You often experience others actions and behaviors towards you as invasive, aggressive, or controlling. When you feel this way regularly it may contribute to you feeling angry, out of control, or resentful, You may feel like a victim of circumstance. Your boundaries have been disrespected & you've reached a point where you are angry & resentful You resent not setting clear boundaries or standing up for yourself with loved ones. You spend time stewing over past mistakes longing for things that should've taken place or choices you should've made. This book also has 7 paragraphs on oviaran cancer too but it's content I though would be personal to put down it would be one to self evaluate to see if any of it actually resonates with you. Now she does have this whole thing as a method which you can learn on her website or via Vol 1 yet I'm still going through Vol 1 so have no comment yet. I find the big book standing alone too useful since emotions blocked in the body want to have understanding and that alone can move many along to process and free from the body I've used the book alone to just have a self talk as 1 pain leads to another in succession then they all release after I've talked over the pains i've been suppressing so you don't need her method you can use it as apart of your own method however works for you. Emotion Code by Dr. Bradley Nelson is also a great way to release emotions too and that can be modified for energy healers to remove the magnets and use their own methods to heal as well it's the Q&A that is the strong suit of the operation as it lets the energy have acknowledgement and understanding which is what it wants.
This is insightful & helpful. I occasionally struggle with anger. It’s a feeling I do my best to avoid at all costs. From time to time, I used to see it as evil, & I did everything I could to smash it from trying to exist in myself. ~ I also see how contained anger evolves into depression, and chronic illness or accidents. ( As a way of punishing myself - especially since I believed that anger was ungodly .. ) However, I have been experimenting with experiencing anger, allowing anger, witnessing anger & finally expressing anger. In small, infrequent doses. It’s sort of like my program to train myself to be comfortable in the presence of anger. To not freeze and /or run away. ~ These days, there is a lot of venting & total strangers feel it is acceptable to confront me in the street. I do my best to process from within myself. Because I don’t want to engage, & entangle with anger, especially since it’s connected to their old history, it’s not my job to be any bodies’ sparring partner .. I have other things I want to use my energy for. 🤗 Thanks for a great discussion !!
Everything sounded great until I got to the part about possible negative interactions with strangers. Please do try to avoid any possible negative interactions/consequences with strangers. A healthy self-improvement strategy would likely not necessitate that you place yourself in an awkward position with strangers.
I always thought I had anger issues from growing up in an environment where I wasn’t valued,presents always shutting me down,sisters abusing me physically and mentally. Yet for some reason I was detached from it and everything I do is driven by aggression. It works for me.
I have been forbidden to feel anger by my parents since early childhood. That was always deemed wrong. I was bullied in school since day one, and I wouldn't be allowed to feel angry for it. Speaking of the topic today when I'm 41 years old with my parents or my brother always comes to a same end: I'm in the wrong if I feel angry about anything. My sister somewhat understands anger as a feeling but she doesn't approve mine. And the only times I've seen my parents ever get angry have been situations they were angry at me for losing my temper. Earlier today I spoke with my brother about this, yet again. He always tries to convince me that if I had no ego, or any sense of self respect or self worth, I wouldn't feel anger. I tried to use as an example a scene in school when he was bullied in recess and I saw that. As his older brother, I thought I needed to defend him, and I did. I threw the bully of his neck and told him not to do that again. Pretty normal situation. What my brother questioned was that why did I feel I had to defend him, even though he was pinned to the ground on his back and the bully tried to punch him. I said that you are my family and I defend my family from any threat if I can, because I think it's an honorable thing to do. His reply was that families shouldn't have that kind of honor, or pride, or whatever. What are they for? I couldn't comprehend that, and after many hours I still can't. His philosophy is to just flow above others, to be egoless, honorless, prideless, void of anything that anyone could violate. I've never seen him angry. Ever. Confused and sad, yes, many times. He treats people with honor and dignity though and is very caring and polite, a good man, but he's absolutely certain that no one can hurt him if he is a no one himself. We were raised similarly and we have very much in common, but this anger issue is something we can't seem to understand in each other. Another example I used was that If someone was to break into his house while he's at home, would he fight back or would he let himself get robbed? He said he'd fight back so there's at least some kind of a boundary in him. Too bad I had the feeling when were kids that our dad wouldn't have fought back. I slept with an axe by my bed for many years as a kid. He never did anything to help stop the bullying I endured either, and it was me who helped my brother when needed, though he didn't get bullied nearly as bad as I did. He always just said that let them do it, they'll grow tired of it. It lasted the whole nine years non stop. Let them do it, don't fight back. One time I did, and I got grounded for punching one of them. Am I a healthy adult today? Far from it. Life is easier than back then but boy am I a mess. I trust no one and I'm sure the worse always happens when I leave the safety of my home. I'm afraid to search for a job if there are bullies at the work place. I'm scared to go to a hockey game because there might be bullies at the arena. That shouldn't be. I've tried to get decent therapy and other treatment for over 15 years now, but the clinics pass me back and forth and no one seems to care. A clinic for personality disorders denied me because my points in the latest depression documents were too high. In Finland you need to get healthy before getting help. Same with addicts, you need to get sober or clean before getting treatment.
When I listen to Rob Dougan's music I realize I'm absolutely furious at the 'world', but the anger is so deep down there in the unconscious I don't have access to it directly in my day to day life. I'm the kind of guy people think of as innocent and harmless....but that's just on the surface. If someone were to deeply wrong me at this point, I probably murder them....
Nalis Solus Something I have learned helps me is to journal my thoughts. It helps get the anger out. I’ve done this for several years. Going back just two years, I have read my writing and realize how time has changed my thinking. 🙋🏻♀️🙏🏻
Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy. Aristotle
This video is priceless It is so well articulated sincere honest, with a lot of knowledge that came from direct experience. Daniel, What a good thing to discover your Chanel!
You’re so relatable. You make it easy to understand and learn. I finally get where some of my past behavior was coming from. I didn’t understand why I was reacting over the top to something so insignificant. Loathing myself or beating myself up and making a mountain out of a molehill. It’s very therapeutic. Thank you!
This has made anger clear for me. Like Daniel I have done a lot of work on myself. Watching this sure has helped so much. The way you explained it just helped so much. Thank you.
Yep. Thanks really good message. - or we're told we're ugly or unattractive or being ignorant for push back at all and being nice is a virtue so we make it a goal to stuff everything and make sense of it. Yeah, being angry is repellant that's the purpose! WTF That goofy movie Me, Myself and Irene really cracked me up because it was an over the top version of this. Maybe we should have more plate smashing rooms etc for people. That side of us can save our lives so I now believe everyone needs to meet that dark side at some point and make friends with it. After holding back forever then if you do erupt and feel shame that's another phase of it where you can never have any sort of expression that's ever possibly for your own self interest. Then if you give yourself permission to just express whatever maybe that's anti-social in some ways and you lose fake friends but then after you begin to see that it was a necessary adjustment. If the other people went away then they only wanted a distorted version of you so if they require your being caged then it's truly good riddance but it just takes a long time to get through the whole journey and then getting neutral on it all. If you're a small woman it is sometimes needed to be able to out-crazy someone rather than to freeze up all the time for fear of being wrong.
From my understanding, anger comes when a physical or emotional addiction is not met. The best way to release it is by expressing it in private songs and feeling the underlying fear and sadness
This is a very helpful video. I, too, was denied/denied myself of anger in situations when it was an appropriate response! Validating myself, even many years later and giving myself permission to be appropriately angry nowadays is a gift.
I loose my shit at anything,its gotten worse as I've got older.my dad controlled with an iron fist,I was always scared,and it stayed like that for years.it only changed about 5 years ago when I realised I was taking no more shit.
I learned at an early age that if I showed anger, I would be invalidated, called irrational, a bitch or just plain crazy, so I became unable to express anger and became very shy and unable to stand up for myself. I also developed an anxiety disorder. I also became a misanthrope and because of the way people had treated me, I lost all my empathy with humanity and I'm mostly unmoved by other people's suffering.
Isnt tere a time and place for healthy anger.?? I witnessed an assistant manager screaming at customers that where touching her clothes rail. I and the customers where traumatised i cried hard when i got home. Shes still there in the shop,the shop manager closed the case,and i left!!! I didnt realise her anger issues would esculate that much😮. 🙏🏻
You have no idea how much (mentally) I can relate to what you experienced in your childhood with your parents, AND how you describe how it manifested in your mental and emotional-ness as growing into an adult. I had to re learn and re teach myself a few things. Things you also talk about that you (now) know better about. I'm telling, you and I would have some long interesting conversations if we ever got to meet and just chill and hang out :-) .
Not letting boys express legitimate anger stores up huge problems later in life. Sadly, the majority of parents are utterly clueless about good parenting. Edit: females are usually wary of *any* male aggression and thus *any* sign of healthy expression of anger is perceived as negative. After being emotionally violated repeatedly as a child and young adult, because I never had a good role model, things have become infinitely better as a wiser and older adult.
@@threethrushes how do I express anger correctly? Or. I don't know. I'm scared of my own anger. I'm sorry for depending on your answer to this question, but I truly don't know.
@@jaysonmuzuruk6604 in my opinion it should be in a way that does NOT include harming, threatening, frightening, belittling the other person, or using them as a punch bag to let out the tension. Also as Daniel says, to know that many times it is an old anger and has nothing or little to do with the current situation or the other person. Also that is the reason, mainly, in my opinion, why women are afraid of male agression. I watched my father beat up my mother all the time someone treated him badly, for ex. at work, he didn't have any self control or insight to know that there must be other ways to handle tension and that she didn't have anything to do with it. She was the most close punch bag and it was easy for him. For me as a little girl it was totally terrifying to experience, and even being conscious about how and why it happened, still makes me afraid of uncontrollable male anger. Not to say that men shouldn't express anger at all, but everybody needs to understand some psychological basics and the effect on others.
I once thought it was a virtue to "not have" any anger, and felt like I had some superpower over my peers for remaining calm and collected in any situation. "I just don't get angry," I thought. Oh, well, now, years later, I know the truth. The real virtue is to feel. Now I can only hope to cry out in protest should I mistakenly touch a burning stove.
Dan, another great video. I've been thinking about anger lately myself. Your video hits several points that I was mentally trying to work through. I really appreciate the time and effort it takes to make these videos. Great topic!
Wow I really needed this. Thank you, deeply. especially the last type of anger. Thank you. May you please help me understand how to heal old wounded parts of myself? or old traumas? I think more specifically, I am struggling with courage and bravery to face everything, in terms of looking at myself but even more so in confronting or facing other people. I keep avoiding and I feel stuck
You can roar like a lion without insulting the person who disrespects you. Controlled righteous anger without name calling or hitting way below the belt is great. Tell them you are not having it!
Thank you very much doctor! I have never go to therapy so I seek help on youtube, thank god I found you. This video help me a lot, I just want to leave a thank you note. I understand now why I'm this way, I hate myself less watching your video, it wasn't fully my fault that I'm unhappy and scared. I will try to heel myself. Thank you for putting your knowledge out here to help me...
Recently came across this gem: 'If it is hysterical, it is historical' Spot on! The powerlessness I felt as a small child stuck in my nervous system. So as soon as I have an interaction where I feel stifled in my self expression in combination with me not feeling safe as in knowing I am seen heard and understood, then yeah, hell hath no fury. (Speaking of that famous Shakespeare quote, seeing the numbers for women being attacked/assaulted/killed by scorned men, be it having their avances rejected, be broken up with or basic pathological entitled possessiveness I think this quote needs a reality checked update) ✌️
First, I must say, thank you. I’ve read, listened, self analyzed, medicated and gotten therapy to try to understand my anger. All have helped in some way, to get a better understanding of my anger and how to deal with it. I just connected to you and this video, more than all of those combined. It’s a lot to process, and I’ll probably watch this video a few more times in the future. I think everyone should hear this, especially men. I’ve always kept my anger in a place inside of me, keeping it ready for when I needed its energy. It is fuel, and it’s raw power has helped in many situations. The problems is, by not understanding it fully or where it all came from, I haven’t been able to totally contain it. It’s come out at times that I didn’t want it to, and hurt people that didn’t deserve to see it. When I became a husband and father, I came to terms with it, and was able to control it. It was still in me, and I could yield its energy as needed. After a betrayal that led to my divorce, my anger not only grew substantially, it has become unpredictable and impossible to control. It’s been 7 years and I’ve gotten better with it, but it still worries me at times. I worry that it will hurt those I care about. Not physically but through harsh words and being easily frustrated. I’m still trying hard to get a hold on it and heal. Your video will undoubtedly help in that process. Your wisdom, thoughts and beautiful mind, are greatly needed and appreciated. Keep up the great works!!! Once again...... Thank you kind sir
IMO it’s important to know ‘anger’. Both as we experience it and as others display it. IMO we live in a strange world; an innocuous hello to someone can trigger a torrent of anger. That’s when you know someone who thinks they know “Boundaries” (as so often prescribed in pop psychology, self help) but they actually don’t. That they live with their unattended issues held only by the paper thin membrane, flashing their anger disproportionately before laying claim righteously to a slapped on notion of “boundaries”.
I've been watching your videos lately and it's been helping me so much. Thank you. It feels like finding emotional soul mates when I see people describe their lives as I felt similar in my childhood. It feels good to know we're not crazy and not alone in what we experience as human beings and children. As much as I wish we lived in a world where toxicity doesn't exist, I also understand how it gives us these lessons in life to grow. To appreciate the good and the bad and what we let ourselves become of it and getting in touch with ourselves inside finding the peace and balance even in chaos from the world. I sometimes think that's why we have these experiences is to test our ability to heal ourselves so we can heal the world together. You Daniel are a person that does that in your own beautiful way and it's healing to watch you and I hope it's healing for you to do 🙏🏼thank you
My father always asked me and my siblings to do stuff for him and then get furious if we said no. Like bruh if youre exploding with rage if people say no then dont fucking ask! We had a family intervention with him which was really just me and my father cause the rest of the family was just sitting there scared shitless where i said to my father that im scared to say no to him because he gets too angry. He was absolutely shocked why his own children would say no to him if he asked them to do something
Great video, thank you very much. Deep insights. Me touched that idea of underground lake of anger that gets triggered by some small thing, that underground lake of anger gets erupted. Some sort of Making a mountain out of a molehill.
This is an excellent subject It helps to know about the Emotional Tone scale which basically is: grief, fear, anger, pain, and Joy Fear No Evil by Eva Pierrakos is a very helpful book on how a child develops a mask John Bradshaw wrote an excellent book called The Homecoming that teaches how to resolve childhood wounds and communicate with our inner children of different ages and understand the psychological development at different ages of childhood An interesting aspect of struggling with anger is known as either covert hostility or passive aggressive behavior where the person is stuck between fear and anger and unable to feel either of these two feelings anger is a spiritual vitality i agree there are positive and negative qualities of anger i believe in using a punching bag as a type of gestalt chair by talking and yelling while I am punching on the punching bag. There are also certain sounds of Ha and Ah that can be expressed with a flowing breath while punching on the punching bag. Love Sex and your Heart by Alexander Lowen has an excellent chapter on understanding the value of loving anger ( feeling and receiving anger as love ) to then be able to relax and feel more pleasure in the body during affectionate love making. Alexander Lowen created bio-energetic exercises of arm pounding and leg kicking to connect with feelings of anger. John Pierrakos created core energetics and he discusses the healing power of anger in his books. Feeling is Healing!!!! Blessed be !!!
Thank you for the shared book recommendations! I remember reading Healing the shame that binds by John Bradshaw, I think that was one of the first nudges towards falling out of the matrix, and when I learned about scapegoating / designated patient role in family dynamics there was no turning back to living in denial / having wool pulled over my eyes ever again. ✌️
When I would get angry at my mother she would say,” You’re not angry at me, you’re angry at yourself because you put on weight.” I was never allowed to be angry at her.
My cycle of abuse for myself and transference is Passive aggressiveness Gas lighting Then I’ll apologize Unfortunately I break down and try to process it. Luckily today as I was in the supply closet theirs a latter that goes up to an attic so checked that out today. But in my mind I really wanted to play mind games with this person because I felt hurt because she didn’t even care that I had been sitting there waiting to heat my food for 10 min. 😡 Then I shut down and stop talking to that person because I don’t feel safe around that person. It’s very frustrating and no one at my work has boundaries.
I see many many similarities with the anger suppression man...i ve always been a people pleaser...then my anger exploded with few episodes...the image of the Pool of Anger is perfect, im happy i kept this video last so i could enjoy it, it was a masterpiece. Thanks man
What about senseless, unnecessary anger? The types you name are either healthy or have to do with childhood trauma. What about the people with those personalities which are unnecessary angry often.
I get this frustration/anger when doing something routine and it doesn't work, like maybe the vacuum cleaner doesn't go in the cupboard properly and keeps popping out and i start calling the thing all manner of nasty names and think about smashing it etc. Then i feel stupid or ashamed about reacting like that. What is it when my throat clams up and speaking becomes difficult and sounds muffled?
There are a lot of contracted feelings of anger that exist in the unconscious memory banks that arise reactively due to suppression and resistance of feeling and receiving and loving the anger consciously; these spiritual residues of feelings from history arising from the unconscious ( spiritually located between our legs ) are a natural part of our overall consciousness yet many people are not able to be conscious of their suppressed feelings and then end up being surprised when they suddenly become reactive and express their anger aggressively loving the dark side ( scary and hidden side of our anger ) of our angry feelings is difficult since we judge it as not being loving yet our experience of being reactive is there to teach us something about life incorrect masturbation or love making can cause massive amounts of unconscious angry feelings to arise into consciousness in a contracted format ( I have shared about this many times in the past yet rarely are people actually interested in truly understanding this reality of life ) pelvic tension ( blocking receiving pleasure ) and fantasizing; ( using the visual brain to imagine that you are doing something that you are not really experiencing for real in the moment ) are two major aspects of human habit that causes spiritual damage unfortunately most people are not able to feel their feelings deeper than energy therefore they’re not aware of the spiritual residues they are producing when they open their spirit channel through feeling pleasure in their pelvis Energy is only 30% of a feeling our true authentic feelings are deeper than energy babies and young children are able to feel deeper than energy as they still have their authentic feeling body connected to their physical body yet usually by age 5 they go through something called a psychic break where their authentic feeling body separates from the physical body The process of this occurrence is described in detail in a book called fear no evil by Eva Pierrakos and you can find her information at Pathwork.org also Alexander Lowen wrote an incredible book detailing and explaining the issue of feeling anger to produce more healing and relaxation in the body in chapter 2 of his book titled love sex and your heart blessed be The whole human race needs further education
I wish you could do a video about what you think about peirsings,tattoos,and cosmetic surgery. I've had all the above and feel their is something wrong regarding traumatizing the flesh. Thank you raven sky
A little story: Once when I was biking to my brothers apartment I passed by a farmer's market and there were these really hate filled people on the corners of the street shouting into megaphones about gay people and genetic modification and stuff like that, and I had to stop in amongst them to cross this busy street and they had a big guy with them for protection. I was a little uncomfortable. But I was going to my brother's to have fun, so I was determined I wouldn't let this alter my good mood. I was almost amused, like i had swollowed a bug. What missfutune! Anyway, an old man came up to me and offered me a paper and all I did was I showed him my attempt at a stoic face (I'm sure I just looked like I had a rage in me though) and I showed him my palm and said in as steady a voice as I could: "No thank you." And he didn't press the matter. I couldn't stop my leg from shaking on the petal. But I also couldn't stop from smiling the rest of the way there. P.S. Please don't hate on christians in the comments. Morel, healing, self fofilled people don't act like this. Or at least they regret being a turd later. 😂
Can you do a video on various forms of anger expression including passive versions such as silent treatment and passive aggressive behaviour which are particularly toxic to follow on from this which was very interesting and perceptive.
thank you for reminding me that i have more work to do and that i have a new project; ( to recognize more work that i still need to do to heal myself )
I am ENTIRELY cynical and disgusted with mankind. Yet, you are a rare gem of true honesty, decency, and wisdom...and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your brilliant insights and sincerity to help others!🙏
I've Googled "lost faith in humanity" and all I get are (shitty) reasons for _not_ losing faith in humanity. I think anyone who's really thought it through probably has lost faith in humanity, but we're not "supposed" to. It's not accepted.
@@LadyhawksLairDotCom
I am quite convinced, if you haven't lost faith in humanity, then you haven't been paying attention.
Certain individuals are fantastic; mankind, itself, is a vile, wretched species that wore out its welcome a long time ago!
@@-WiseGuy- Unfortunately, I agree. The most intelligent people I know tend to agree on this subject, which is not a positive augury for the continued existence of humankind.
The beauty inside of you is the beauty contained within Humanity.
@@GolemINFJ
I don't know about comments like that. Seems like selective attention on your part...mixed with denial, dashed with a little naive optimism?🤔
Mankind is a hideous, wretched, vile species...with relatively few exceptions. Only a minuscule fraction of humans are truly beautiful; most are 'uglier than sin'! I only have practically ALL of human history and 99% of the (insane) behavior of the modern world to support my position.
You, Daniel, are GOLD of youtube. One of those channels I feel so grateful to stumble upon. Thank you for all you do!
Thanks 😊
Idk why i didn't notice it the first time but the observation that anger that cant be directed at parents or bullies around you gets directed at yourself is brilliant.
This is absolutely true. People pick up on clues and can instinctively tell if you’re a person they can fuck with or not. As I worked more and more on my boundaries, I noticed that a slight change in tone of voice of expression on my part now would immediately convey to most people that I’m not to be fucked with. And I used to be a giant pushover.
1. Anger : in the moment, appropriate for the situation
2. Unhealthy/inappropriate/extreme anger
3. mix between 1 and 2 : old built up and in the moment
Just 2 days after watching this video I was able to recognize a situation where I felt healthy anger. And I cut that friend out.
When you are dependent and can't fend for yourself you're not allowed to be angry. I remember the first time I rented a room and paid rent for it. Most of my money was gone but it was such a good feeling to know that I couldn't be thrown out just because I didn't have the right look on my face or allow someone to say abusive things to me. (With a smile on her face and a laugh - like my mother and sister did.)
Feeling you!!
I used to be a person who didn’t know how to deal with my anger. I either suppressed it or lost control of it. And since I started my healing process, I began to face my anger more honestly though deep down I still saw it as an ugly emotion. Nevertheless, what I also realized was my anger disclosed parts of my true self little by little. They are versions of me that have been abandoned for too long. Now, I am learning to use my anger as a motive for pushing forward. Anger will not be a monster as long as we know how to work with it. That’s my personal experience.
Great for you.
Yes use every emotion for growth! No matter how painful
It's hard to be a human among other humans. You must learn to express everything correctly: anger, fear, love...every emotion. If you express it wrong - problems follow.
You explain this so well. Especially how we have to become dysfunctional in a dysfunctional family, repression, dissociation, etc., but then we unwittingly bring it forward with us in life, recreating the dysfunction. Until we wake up. Bravo.
Anger is just below the surface of my personality...but I am _aware_ of it and I have introspected its origins. Anger is an energy.
My anger got buried too.
Past caring what people will think of me or like me. No longer smile first. I push back hard only to discover that they are bluffing…and then back down. I am in my power and it goes a long way to a place of inner calm.
As a child I remember faking anger because I remember that people would benefit by being angry. I didn’t have an angry bone in my body as a little boy, I had to fake it. But I had one heck of a self-defense mechanism built into me, and it didn’t take any thought to use it.
Incredible the ways in which we survived. And you did.
Literally spoke with a friend about his anger issues last night and here you are with the most relevant video ever for him! Thanks for all you do Dan
This guy has the inner eyes of compassion.
You are so helpful to me. I feel totally seen for the first time in my life. I’m one of 12 children. Blended Mormon family. I can’t begin to explain my gratitude. Thank you
In my culture we often repress our real anger and have disproportionate outbursts of anger frequently, and recipient of such anger would repress to maintain harmony and outbursts his or her internalized against vulnerable people in our lives, specifically children, the elderly and the dependent.
My parents and my older brother wanted absolute obedience, to the point of even my thoughts had to be aligned with their desires. And they demanded, harangued and beat me until I acquiesced. I was adopted at the age of 6,so they had some work to do before I was broken, but they did break my will. And that took almost 40 years of my life to get past. I'm 50, and started waking up from this about 7 years ago, gained even more freedom in the past 2 years as I discovered Red Pill ideas
I can relate.
Knowledge is power.
Power is freedom.
Did you find that every romantic relationship you’ve been in has been the same to? Or have you mostly had loving relationships? Definitely sounds like they treated you like a slave and that’s sad. People are all unique beings and being controlled in this way is just sad.
Hey man i'm sorry this happened. It was wrong and unfair and you were an innocent kid. I would be careful with red pill stuff. Some of it is great some is pure negativity. I actually predict the mental health crisis continues to go nuclear in the first world. Every time some documentary pans a tribe in the middle of nowhere they are all dancing and smiling whereas you can sit on a bench for 15 minutes in a busy first world area and see more dysfunction than a ren and stimpy episode. Dan is such a wonderful person. I just discovered him yesterday.
My family is extremely dysfunctional. I am not a God or a medical professional but I truly believe the average person needs these things to have a happy life:
1. A spiritual belief system of something that makes sense to them. I studied Buddhism, Hinduism and Christianity to form my beliefs that the spiritual higher power is pure love.
2. Exercise program 3 to 6 days a week could be anything from dancing or tai chi to bodybuilding or wind surfing
3. A plan that involves spending a significant amount of time in nature every month.
I 100% believe one of the reasons so many people are unhappy is information overload. I was a skinny no friends loser in high school. I'm 41. Thank God we didn't have facebook and social media. The thing is I understood I was in the bottom 10% socially, the last picked in dodgeball class guy. In college I got into lifting weights and changed my life. After being abused by two women physically and otherwise in relationships I realized if someone is a ladies man who has been with hundreds of women or if someone is a virgin it really doesn't matter. Thats a human trait to form heirarchies and make ourselves or others out to be greater or lesser. Discovering real spirituality changed how I see everything.
❤❤❤❤
Boy can I ever relate to your relationship to your own anger!
I had to stuff it down for my entire childhood because it wasn’t safe to defend myself at the time, so dissociation was the only option. But like you said, it’s still there under the surface just compounding and accumulating…and the underground lake runs deep, the reservoir is massive!
And every once in a while the levee breaks, it reaches a critical mass, and the pressure valve blows open and I explode in RAGE over something trivial or that’s not such a big deal in reality, but I’m raging about all the past hurts and injustices and taking it out on this unfortunate person in the moment. My wrath and fury erupts in so much disproportion to the current situation, and I look like a hostile unhinged freak!
And then afterwards, I feel bad and guilty and ashamed and also hideously emotionally defective…pathetically socially inadequate… terribly character flawed…bad, evil, monstrous…
And when you never got to express anger and have zero practice showing anger in a healthy or effective way, you don’t know how to handle it appropriately or like a normal person would as an adult… hence the menacing…
Poor parenting has long lasting impacts that really can impair a persons life when they grow up. Relationships in particular are incredibly challenging and I feel hopelessly inept at times.My emotional stuntedness definitely hinders my ability to get along in the world, and it’s so embarrassing sometimes following an episode…
I’ve dealt with a lot of shit with my immediate family too, and a lot of that resentment did burst out roughly the same time this video was uploaded. Thank you so much Daniel. I will really try to channel my energy towards something much much greater!
Thank you Daniel, this is great. When I encounter historical anger, one of the ways I process it is to imagine my boundary all around me (eggshell shape) and that the rage coming out is pouring directly into that boundary, healing it and strengthening it and repairing it. Then the anger is not inside me anymore, but also not going out and hurting anyone else. It's at the appropriate place - the boundary that was violated in the past. This makes that old anger very manageable and it feels SO satisfying to do this practice. I learned this from Karla McLaren with her work around emotions.
What about when it needs to come out, to defend yourself, or indeed others?
@@springwood1331I find if I want to defend others if I can stop a moment and look at myself what is going on is that the violation that person A is doing on person B are knocking up against my own internal wound of similar violation or it's fear from my past when no one stood up for me this allows me to then look back at that situation is it indeed a violation, should I interfear & if so how so as me truama dumping my old rage into the mix doesn't help person B. So how can I constructively aid person B and do they want me to? Would me doing so actually help them or not?
Cuz sometimes person B needs to work out the altercation solo learning to navigate discord, other times person A was told prior the boundary is don't nag this person if person A is nagging this person then I can come in tell person A "The boundary is no nag you're nagging leave person B alone" Person A hates when I get involved on these matters so it chases them off.
Either way if you are standing up for yourself or another you want to find the heart of the matter or the pinch point. Yet you want to make sure you have the right pinch point/heart matter you don't want to use your own inner pinch point to tell off person A when really the pinch point for person B is actually problem issue T.
If you don't know the person or can't sense what is the T your aid can be limited or else make it all worse and either you & person B are in dual protection mode or else your now the bad guy full sail. If you want to be that bad guy and derail the whole affair onto you and up your scapegoat points you can do so as long as you can take the hits in the moment and the future ones what will just keep giving. As what I've experienced if I go into the defend of another and i'm now the new target if I cast castle of steel and stand there and keep allowing the person A to vocally wail on me this grants me no boon from person B all it does is makes the entire environment hate me now and forever they add it to my personal score card of I'm the problem and now I have a new mark on the card they can keep as reasons why I'm the problem & they all hate me as I'm their scape goat. And person B can't thank me or help me in most cases later on as they need those people I know they can't return any favors I do.
Assessing the right violation point will drive the person A away fast yet you may not get any additional support you're still swinging alone out there & you need to keep your anger out, do not let any of their words or accusations phase you which I've noticed is effortless if you've healed that pinch/pain point within yourself if not you'll struggle or fail, your job is to point out the pain point, tell them it's wrong or not ok, and get out not wage war, not go down a list of charges, not run off into a history lesson, not unpack bags, if you're standing up for yourself you can add in they need to apologize to you or amend like this yet if they refuse don't give chase, take notes instead this person is unsafe, untrustworthy, toxic, whatever and stop arguing and defending they're showing you who they are, what you mean or don't mean to them, and how they value or don't value you.
The biggest trigger for my C-PTSD is being a party to other people's anger, ie in road rage, etc., or especially now with witnessing COVID-ragers. Likely because my dad was a "rageaholic" that was always directed at me! But I am now able to see anger from different perspectives after watching this video. Thank you for sharing.
It is interesting when you talk about the mixed anger. I have had coworkers who I know had been bullied or I think have been bullied and they would sometimes have what I thought were total overreactions when they felt talked down to, when that was not the case or intention of anybody. They would read some hidden insults into what was said or if you told them something like you were busy and couldn't talk, they would take that as "shut up you are not important". I can understand how that would come from having been bullied. Having been talked down to, having passive-aggressive and toxic pokes at you and so on, that you would think it was happening again when it really wasn't. Fortunately, it was possible to clarify that no such aggression was meant and move on from it in these cases.
So true. And yet, I think one thing you left out is...anger we feel not so much by being violated, but by being ignored. Sins of omission against us, rather than sins of commission. Love removed, love withheld, frequently being ignored and overlooked and rejected. You feel like you're being stepped on.
It took me a long time to see that as a violation, but it was.
It's like lancing a pustule, an abscess, and draining the abandonment wound.
So I do this thing where I have an idea and then I search the internet to see if anyone more professional than me has already said it... which is how I found your video about the idea that stockholm syndrome is happening in basically every family dynamic there is. Anyway, i just wanted to thank you for making these videos. Each one is more relatable for me than the last as I continue this journey of forgiving my parents and doing twelve-step work which had been helping me negotiate these healthy and unhealthy resentments that sometimes get tangled up with eachother in my daily life. Thank you!
CODA and ACA saved my life, and my sanity. ❤
In my own healing journey, I've found your videos immensely helpful and inspiring. Thank you for your honesty and fearless openness. So much of what you share about your path resonates with my own. Thank you for your work and films. Standing at this diverging path ahead, the inner work and self therapy has helped choose the direction that is going to be most beneficial. It's comforting to listen to your story and feel validated in so many ways. Often it's not the validation of a well meaning friend or a paid therapist that means the most to us, but hearing someone else who has been there.
You are the best ! I honestly think I respect you the most out of all the people I’ve ever known ❤️
My psychology teacher back in high school was amaized to hear I considered myself a bad person, because, usually, even the vilest of people consider themselves good.
Right? Isn’t that crazy?
Your psychology teacher did not know that much then,the Shame Compass f ex- and the fact that human beings are unique with an individual I, individuality and a spirit, in contrast with the animals. And that we are at different stages or places in our soul landscapes: Maybe you'd repress your self-loathing too later on, if you weremnn't able to resolve it, to try to get (fake) relief or automatically with increased energy stagnations and reversals. Those vile ones, were probbaly farther gone in their downward spiral break-down. Or had worse traumas than you, or had to suppress them more fpor other reasons.
Buried anger, and kept there implodes: deep depression and beyond
Thanks for the great content bro. The more I learn about mental health the more I hear how it all comes back to the reactions of the parental or adult figures prominent in developmental stages of infancy and childhood. I know people blame a lot of unhappiness and use it as a reason to adopt a victim/doomed/apathetic mindset. Thanks for being so honest and open with your reflections, it's nice to hear a guy talking about this stuff. I'm slowly learning that the numbness, unaffectionate, dissociation state that I fall into now and then has a reason and that it can potentially be remedied by compassionate and honest self reflection.
Dear Daniel, you are so special--I wish I could express that in a more profound way. When I watch your videos, I always have a flood of thoughts and memories and feelings. This is the flood now: When I was growing up, I used to go into my room and cry a stifled, agonizing cry and beat myself in the head. Slap and hit. No body knew I was doing that. No body saw this until in a relationship as an adult. Even though I understood a lot of what was going on around me, and to me back then, and that the people around me were very sick, and I had an ability to intellectualize so much, I couldn't understand why I was doing that. I thought, why would any person hit themselves? I thought it seems like the act of someone who doesn't like themselves. But I don't hate myself, I thought. I can't see that I hate myself. So, why is it then, I thought. I couldn't come up with anything except I thought I am in so much pain that it has to go somewhere. I always rejected the idea that I have self-loathing. I considered it some kind of 'base' feeling--I thought it meant that I was self-absorbed to feel that way about myself, and I thought it so unwise, and how could I be so unwise, on and on. Because of the judgements and so-called intellectualizing that I made on my self, I couldn't see parts of myself straight. The truth of what it is. But, now I can observe more clearly--I seem to have self-loathing. Now I am 47, and I can start to see it. I don't hit myself in the head anymore, but I can notice so many thoughts towards myself that are very harsh, but I am so used to thinking that way that it has just been woven into the fabric of how I exist. Can't unravel it til you see it. Took a while. My mother said to me when I was about 12, "You use the word 'I' too much." Boy, that was a good one! A glimmer of that feeling is creeping up now, but I will allow it....Thank you for the most true, direct, thorough, profound insights I have come across from another person about all this painful stuff.
Thank you Jen. Wishing you the best! Daniel
Thanks for this video. As someone who has always had anger and really never in the past knew how to appropriately express it, I can really relate. Only very recently, at 50 years old am I finally learning how to deal with my anger and when to express it appropriately. Like you mentioned, untangling old anger that I was not allowed to express from current healthy boundary setting anger triggered by just dealing with people that don't have clear boundaries, or at least think that they do not have to have clear boundaries or respect when I deal with them, can be a very tricky thing.
I have a lot of suppressed anger that I turn in on myself and turn into self hatred. I sometimes wonder if that wasn't one of the drivers of why I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at the age of 48, like the body keeps score. Have you ever done a video on what effect suppressed anger and other symptoms of childhood trauma can have on physical health?
Sorry for your diagnosis you may also like the Metaphysical Anatomy vol 2 by Evette Rose. The second book is a resource book that goes into the energy behind what issue it's unique in that it has mental states too so as you sort through your own feelings and emotions this can aid in you looking at what is confined to that x you're looking at and she has questions to prompt you into thinking on the xyz so you can process it for instance:
Cancer (1/10 paragraphs on the topic): You often experience others actions and behaviors towards you as invasive, aggressive, or controlling. When you feel this way regularly it may contribute to you feeling angry, out of control, or resentful, You may feel like a victim of circumstance. Your boundaries have been disrespected & you've reached a point where you are angry & resentful You resent not setting clear boundaries or standing up for yourself with loved ones. You spend time stewing over past mistakes longing for things that should've taken place or choices you should've made.
This book also has 7 paragraphs on oviaran cancer too but it's content I though would be personal to put down it would be one to self evaluate to see if any of it actually resonates with you.
Now she does have this whole thing as a method which you can learn on her website or via Vol 1 yet I'm still going through Vol 1 so have no comment yet. I find the big book standing alone too useful since emotions blocked in the body want to have understanding and that alone can move many along to process and free from the body I've used the book alone to just have a self talk as 1 pain leads to another in succession then they all release after I've talked over the pains i've been suppressing so you don't need her method you can use it as apart of your own method however works for you.
Emotion Code by Dr. Bradley Nelson is also a great way to release emotions too and that can be modified for energy healers to remove the magnets and use their own methods to heal as well it's the Q&A that is the strong suit of the operation as it lets the energy have acknowledgement and understanding which is what it wants.
This is insightful & helpful. I occasionally struggle with anger. It’s a feeling I do my best to avoid at all costs. From time to time, I used to see it as evil, & I did everything I could to smash it from trying to exist in myself. ~ I also see how contained anger evolves into depression, and chronic illness or accidents. ( As a way of punishing myself - especially since I believed that anger was ungodly .. ) However, I have been experimenting with experiencing anger, allowing anger, witnessing anger & finally expressing anger. In small, infrequent doses. It’s sort of like my program to train myself to be comfortable in the presence of anger. To not freeze and /or run away. ~ These days, there is a lot of venting & total strangers feel it is acceptable to confront me in the street. I do my best to process from within myself. Because I don’t want to engage, & entangle with anger, especially since it’s connected to their old history, it’s not my job to be any bodies’ sparring partner .. I have other things I want to use my energy for. 🤗 Thanks for a great discussion !!
Everything sounded great until I got to the part about possible negative interactions with strangers. Please do try to avoid any possible negative interactions/consequences with strangers. A healthy self-improvement strategy would likely not necessitate that you place yourself in an awkward position with strangers.
I really like the metaphors you use when you share your experience and thoughts. Thank you Daniel.
Best, Yang
I always thought I had anger issues from growing up in an environment where I wasn’t valued,presents always shutting me down,sisters abusing me physically and mentally. Yet for some reason I was detached from it and everything I do is driven by aggression. It works for me.
I have been forbidden to feel anger by my parents since early childhood. That was always deemed wrong. I was bullied in school since day one, and I wouldn't be allowed to feel angry for it. Speaking of the topic today when I'm 41 years old with my parents or my brother always comes to a same end: I'm in the wrong if I feel angry about anything. My sister somewhat understands anger as a feeling but she doesn't approve mine.
And the only times I've seen my parents ever get angry have been situations they were angry at me for losing my temper.
Earlier today I spoke with my brother about this, yet again. He always tries to convince me that if I had no ego, or any sense of self respect or self worth, I wouldn't feel anger. I tried to use as an example a scene in school when he was bullied in recess and I saw that. As his older brother, I thought I needed to defend him, and I did. I threw the bully of his neck and told him not to do that again. Pretty normal situation.
What my brother questioned was that why did I feel I had to defend him, even though he was pinned to the ground on his back and the bully tried to punch him. I said that you are my family and I defend my family from any threat if I can, because I think it's an honorable thing to do. His reply was that families shouldn't have that kind of honor, or pride, or whatever. What are they for? I couldn't comprehend that, and after many hours I still can't.
His philosophy is to just flow above others, to be egoless, honorless, prideless, void of anything that anyone could violate. I've never seen him angry. Ever. Confused and sad, yes, many times. He treats people with honor and dignity though and is very caring and polite, a good man, but he's absolutely certain that no one can hurt him if he is a no one himself. We were raised similarly and we have very much in common, but this anger issue is something we can't seem to understand in each other.
Another example I used was that If someone was to break into his house while he's at home, would he fight back or would he let himself get robbed? He said he'd fight back so there's at least some kind of a boundary in him. Too bad I had the feeling when were kids that our dad wouldn't have fought back. I slept with an axe by my bed for many years as a kid. He never did anything to help stop the bullying I endured either, and it was me who helped my brother when needed, though he didn't get bullied nearly as bad as I did. He always just said that let them do it, they'll grow tired of it. It lasted the whole nine years non stop. Let them do it, don't fight back. One time I did, and I got grounded for punching one of them.
Am I a healthy adult today? Far from it. Life is easier than back then but boy am I a mess. I trust no one and I'm sure the worse always happens when I leave the safety of my home. I'm afraid to search for a job if there are bullies at the work place. I'm scared to go to a hockey game because there might be bullies at the arena. That shouldn't be.
I've tried to get decent therapy and other treatment for over 15 years now, but the clinics pass me back and forth and no one seems to care. A clinic for personality disorders denied me because my points in the latest depression documents were too high. In Finland you need to get healthy before getting help. Same with addicts, you need to get sober or clean before getting treatment.
When I listen to Rob Dougan's music I realize I'm absolutely furious at the 'world', but the anger is so deep down there in the unconscious I don't have access to it directly in my day to day life.
I'm the kind of guy people think of as innocent and harmless....but that's just on the surface. If someone were to deeply wrong me at this point, I probably murder them....
Nalis Solus Something I have learned helps me is to journal my thoughts. It helps get the anger out. I’ve done this for several years. Going back just two years, I have read my writing and realize how time has changed my thinking. 🙋🏻♀️🙏🏻
Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.
Aristotle
This deserves a lot more visibility. Thank you so much Daniel.
So true - this is my life!! - still learning - this is so helpful, thanks Daniel
Anger is healthy. The way it is expressed is the answer.
I am dealing with anger "issues" at the moment. This was a helpful perspective. Thanks for taking the time to make this video.
I really wish I could find a therapist like this
Abraham Maslow talked about self-actualized people having anger in the form of righteous indignation. Itd be cool to hear your thoughts on Maslow.
I've always said that there is nothing wrong with righteous anger.
This video is priceless
It is so well articulated sincere honest, with a lot of knowledge that came from direct experience.
Daniel, What a good thing to discover your Chanel!
Very, very on point and helpful - the sublest, most insightful, realistic treatment I've ever heard - thank you.
You’re so relatable. You make it easy to understand and learn. I finally get where some of my past behavior was coming from. I didn’t understand why I was reacting over the top to something so insignificant. Loathing myself or beating myself up and making a mountain out of a molehill. It’s very therapeutic. Thank you!
This has made anger clear for me. Like Daniel I have done a lot of work on myself. Watching this sure has helped so much. The way you explained it just helped so much. Thank you.
I need a cigarette after this one! Whew!
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Yep. Thanks really good message.
- or we're told we're ugly or unattractive or being ignorant for push back at all and being nice is a virtue so we make it a goal to stuff everything and make sense of it. Yeah, being angry is repellant that's the purpose! WTF
That goofy movie Me, Myself and Irene really cracked me up because it was an over the top version of this. Maybe we should have more plate smashing rooms etc for people. That side of us can save our lives so I now believe everyone needs to meet that dark side at some point and make friends with it.
After holding back forever then if you do erupt and feel shame that's another phase of it where you can never have any sort of expression that's ever possibly for your own self interest. Then if you give yourself permission to just express whatever maybe that's anti-social in some ways and you lose fake friends but then after you begin to see that it was a necessary adjustment. If the other people went away then they only wanted a distorted version of you so if they require your being caged then it's truly good riddance but it just takes a long time to get through the whole journey and then getting neutral on it all.
If you're a small woman it is sometimes needed to be able to out-crazy someone rather than to freeze up all the time for fear of being wrong.
Such a great video. You execute complicated issues so well. Thanks Daniel.
From my understanding, anger comes when a physical or emotional addiction is not met. The best way to release it is by expressing it in private songs and feeling the underlying fear and sadness
You are very authentic,speak every word in my mind
Daniel, your videos are very valuable and helpful! Thank you so much for sharing your life and work experiences! It's what hurting people need!!!
I relate to this so much. So so much. Thank you as always Daniel.
This is a very helpful video. I, too, was denied/denied myself of anger in situations when it was an appropriate response! Validating myself, even many years later and giving myself permission to be appropriately angry nowadays is a gift.
I loose my shit at anything,its gotten worse as I've got older.my dad controlled with an iron fist,I was always scared,and it stayed like that for years.it only changed about 5 years ago when I realised I was taking no more shit.
I learned at an early age that if I showed anger, I would be invalidated, called irrational, a bitch or just plain crazy, so I became unable to express anger and became very shy and unable to stand up for myself. I also developed an anxiety disorder. I also became a misanthrope and because of the way people had treated me, I lost all my empathy with humanity and I'm mostly unmoved by other people's suffering.
Isnt tere a time and place for healthy anger.?? I witnessed an assistant manager screaming at customers that where touching her clothes rail. I and the customers where traumatised i cried hard when i got home. Shes still there in the shop,the shop manager closed the case,and i left!!! I didnt realise her anger issues would esculate that much😮. 🙏🏻
From my limited perspective, I find you a brilliant human being. Thank you for your videos!
You have no idea how much (mentally) I can relate to what you experienced in your childhood with your parents, AND how you describe how it manifested in your mental and emotional-ness as growing into an adult. I had to re learn and re teach myself a few things. Things you also talk about that you (now) know better about. I'm telling, you and I would have some long interesting conversations if we ever got to meet and just chill and hang out :-) .
Not letting boys express legitimate anger stores up huge problems later in life.
Sadly, the majority of parents are utterly clueless about good parenting.
Edit: females are usually wary of *any* male aggression and thus *any* sign of healthy expression of anger is perceived as negative.
After being emotionally violated repeatedly as a child and young adult, because I never had a good role model, things have become infinitely better as a wiser and older adult.
I suspect many mothers ruin their son's healthy expressions of anger when they reach the stage of the so-called 'terrible two's'
Get called crazy any time you express aggression or anger.
@@jaysonmuzuruk6604 "You're so aggressive."
"Grow up."
Female Shaming Behaviour (FSB) stopped working once I swallowed the red pill.
@@threethrushes how do I express anger correctly? Or. I don't know. I'm scared of my own anger. I'm sorry for depending on your answer to this question, but I truly don't know.
@@jaysonmuzuruk6604 in my opinion it should be in a way that does NOT include harming, threatening, frightening, belittling the other person, or using them as a punch bag to let out the tension. Also as Daniel says, to know that many times it is an old anger and has nothing or little to do with the current situation or the other person.
Also that is the reason, mainly, in my opinion, why women are afraid of male agression. I watched my father beat up my mother all the time someone treated him badly, for ex. at work, he didn't have any self control or insight to know that there must be other ways to handle tension and that she didn't have anything to do with it. She was the most close punch bag and it was easy for him. For me as a little girl it was totally terrifying to experience, and even being conscious about how and why it happened, still makes me afraid of uncontrollable male anger. Not to say that men shouldn't express anger at all, but everybody needs to understand some psychological basics and the effect on others.
“Fascinated with my anger.” Nice. Watched “Dark Waters” on Netflix this week. This helped. 😂
I was always angry but it lessened considerably
I once thought it was a virtue to "not have" any anger, and felt like I had some superpower over my peers for remaining calm and collected in any situation. "I just don't get angry," I thought. Oh, well, now, years later, I know the truth. The real virtue is to feel. Now I can only hope to cry out in protest should I mistakenly touch a burning stove.
Dan, another great video. I've been thinking about anger lately myself. Your video hits several points that I was mentally trying to work through. I really appreciate the time and effort it takes to make these videos. Great topic!
Your videos usually have refreshing perspectives on old difficulty issues. Thank you.
Wow I really needed this. Thank you, deeply. especially the last type of anger. Thank you. May you please help me understand how to heal old wounded parts of myself? or old traumas? I think more specifically, I am struggling with courage and bravery to face everything, in terms of looking at myself but even more so in confronting or facing other people. I keep avoiding and I feel stuck
You can roar like a lion without insulting the person who disrespects you. Controlled righteous anger without name calling or hitting way below the belt is great. Tell them you are not having it!
Thank you very much doctor! I have never go to therapy so I seek help on youtube, thank god I found you. This video help me a lot, I just want to leave a thank you note. I understand now why I'm this way, I hate myself less watching your video, it wasn't fully my fault that I'm unhappy and scared. I will try to heel myself. Thank you for putting your knowledge out here to help me...
Recently came across this gem:
'If it is hysterical, it is historical'
Spot on!
The powerlessness I felt as a small child stuck in my nervous system. So as soon as I have an interaction where I feel stifled in my self expression in combination with me not feeling safe as in knowing I am seen heard and understood, then yeah, hell hath no fury.
(Speaking of that famous Shakespeare quote, seeing the numbers for women being attacked/assaulted/killed by scorned men, be it having their avances rejected, be broken up with or basic pathological entitled possessiveness I think this quote needs a reality checked update)
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Thank you Daniel. Your insight and sharing is exemplary & very well explained.
First, I must say, thank you.
I’ve read, listened, self analyzed, medicated and gotten therapy to try to understand my anger. All have helped in some way, to get a better understanding of my anger and how to deal with it.
I just connected to you and this video, more than all of those combined. It’s a lot to process, and I’ll probably watch this video a few more times in the future. I think everyone should hear this, especially men.
I’ve always kept my anger in a place inside of me, keeping it ready for when I needed its energy. It is fuel, and it’s raw power has helped in many situations. The problems is, by not understanding it fully or where it all came from, I haven’t been able to totally contain it. It’s come out at times that I didn’t want it to, and hurt people that didn’t deserve to see it.
When I became a husband and father, I came to terms with it, and was able to control it. It was still in me, and I could yield its energy as needed.
After a betrayal that led to my divorce, my anger not only grew substantially, it has become unpredictable and impossible to control. It’s been 7 years and I’ve gotten better with it, but it still worries me at times. I worry that it will hurt those I care about. Not physically but through harsh words and being easily frustrated.
I’m still trying hard to get a hold on it and heal. Your video will undoubtedly help in that process.
Your wisdom, thoughts and beautiful mind, are greatly needed and appreciated.
Keep up the great works!!!
Once again...... Thank you kind sir
IMO it’s important to know ‘anger’. Both as we experience it and as others display it.
IMO we live in a strange world; an innocuous hello to someone can trigger a torrent of anger. That’s when you know someone who thinks they know “Boundaries” (as so often prescribed in pop psychology, self help) but they actually don’t. That they live with their unattended issues held only by the paper thin membrane, flashing their anger disproportionately before laying claim righteously to a slapped on notion of “boundaries”.
Wow, what a deep video on so many levels. I feel the same way but I couldn't find words to describe it - so thanks a ton, Daniel!
And all these things where I outburst at first and then apologize for it totally happened to me.
I've been watching your videos lately and it's been helping me so much. Thank you. It feels like finding emotional soul mates when I see people describe their lives as I felt similar in my childhood. It feels good to know we're not crazy and not alone in what we experience as human beings and children. As much as I wish we lived in a world where toxicity doesn't exist, I also understand how it gives us these lessons in life to grow. To appreciate the good and the bad and what we let ourselves become of it and getting in touch with ourselves inside finding the peace and balance even in chaos from the world. I sometimes think that's why we have these experiences is to test our ability to heal ourselves so we can heal the world together. You Daniel are a person that does that in your own beautiful way and it's healing to watch you and I hope it's healing for you to do 🙏🏼thank you
My father always asked me and my siblings to do stuff for him and then get furious if we said no. Like bruh if youre exploding with rage if people say no then dont fucking ask!
We had a family intervention with him which was really just me and my father cause the rest of the family was just sitting there scared shitless where i said to my father that im scared to say no to him because he gets too angry. He was absolutely shocked why his own children would say no to him if he asked them to do something
"Ancient Anger" is so volatile. Results in pure rage.
Your thoughts really resonate , so grateful that I found your videos
Great video, thank you very much. Deep insights. Me touched that idea of underground lake of anger that gets triggered by some small thing, that underground lake of anger gets erupted. Some sort of Making a mountain out of a molehill.
this really hit home, thank you.
This is an excellent subject
It helps to know about the Emotional Tone scale which basically is:
grief, fear, anger, pain, and Joy
Fear No Evil by Eva Pierrakos is a very helpful book on how a child develops a mask
John Bradshaw wrote an excellent book called The Homecoming that teaches how to resolve childhood wounds and communicate with our inner children of different ages and understand the psychological development at different ages of childhood
An interesting aspect of struggling with anger is known as either covert hostility or passive aggressive behavior where the person is stuck between fear and anger and unable to feel either of these two feelings
anger is a spiritual vitality
i agree there are positive and negative qualities of anger
i believe in using a punching bag as a type of gestalt chair by talking and yelling while I am punching on the punching bag. There are also certain sounds of Ha and Ah that can be expressed with a flowing breath while punching on the punching bag.
Love Sex and your Heart by Alexander Lowen has an excellent chapter on understanding the value of loving anger ( feeling and receiving anger as love ) to then be able to relax and feel more pleasure in the body during affectionate love making.
Alexander Lowen created bio-energetic exercises of arm pounding and leg kicking to connect with feelings of anger.
John Pierrakos created core energetics and he discusses the healing power of anger in his books. Feeling is Healing!!!!
Blessed be !!!
Thank you for the shared book recommendations!
I remember reading Healing the shame that binds by John Bradshaw, I think that was one of the first nudges towards falling out of the matrix, and when I learned about scapegoating / designated patient role in family dynamics there was no turning back to living in denial / having wool pulled over my eyes ever again.
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When I would get angry at my mother she would say,” You’re not angry at me, you’re angry at yourself because you put on weight.” I was never allowed to be angry at her.
Is Daniel implying that disassociate is our reaction to suppressed anger or rage? Arrogant mothers have little or no empathy, perhaps.😮😮
Resolving those early life violations.....
My cycle of abuse for myself and transference is
Passive aggressiveness
Gas lighting
Then I’ll apologize
Unfortunately I break down and try to process it. Luckily today as I was in the supply closet theirs a latter that goes up to an attic so checked that out today.
But in my mind I really wanted to play mind games with this person because I felt hurt because she didn’t even care that I had been sitting there waiting to heat my food for 10 min. 😡
Then I shut down and stop talking to that person because I don’t feel safe around that person.
It’s very frustrating and no one at my work has boundaries.
I see many many similarities with the anger suppression man...i ve always been a people pleaser...then my anger exploded with few episodes...the image of the Pool of Anger is perfect, im happy i kept this video last so i could enjoy it, it was a masterpiece. Thanks man
Do we actually resolve our traumas a bit every time we express anger towards parents for their past violations or it has to be crying ?
i cant even cry anymore, i sish he would speak about this
What about senseless, unnecessary anger?
The types you name are either healthy or have to do with childhood trauma. What about the people with those personalities which are unnecessary angry often.
Could very well be a childhood trauma, or are perceiving some injustice you’re not. Even a mixture like was talked about.
Well this hits home.
Incredibly enlightening! Many thanks Daniel
I get this frustration/anger when doing something routine and it doesn't work, like maybe the vacuum cleaner doesn't go in the cupboard properly and keeps popping out and i start calling the thing all manner of nasty names and think about smashing it etc. Then i feel stupid or ashamed about reacting like that.
What is it when my throat clams up and speaking becomes difficult and sounds muffled?
There are a lot of contracted feelings of anger that exist in the unconscious memory banks that arise reactively due to suppression and resistance of feeling and receiving and loving the anger consciously; these spiritual residues of feelings from history arising from the unconscious ( spiritually located between our legs ) are a natural part of our overall consciousness yet many people are not able to be conscious of their suppressed feelings and then end up being surprised when they suddenly become reactive and express their anger aggressively
loving the dark side ( scary and hidden side of our anger ) of our angry feelings is difficult since we judge it as not being loving yet our experience of being reactive is there to teach us something about life
incorrect masturbation or love making can cause massive amounts of unconscious angry feelings to arise into consciousness in a contracted format ( I have shared about this many times in the past yet rarely are people actually interested in truly understanding this reality of life )
pelvic tension ( blocking receiving pleasure ) and fantasizing; ( using the visual brain to imagine that you are doing something that you are not really experiencing for real in the moment ) are two major aspects of human habit that causes spiritual damage
unfortunately most people are not able to feel their feelings deeper than energy therefore they’re not aware of the spiritual residues they are producing when they open their spirit channel through feeling pleasure in their pelvis
Energy is only 30% of a feeling
our true authentic feelings are deeper than energy
babies and young children are able to feel deeper than energy as they still have their authentic feeling body connected to their physical body yet usually by age 5 they go through something called a psychic break where their authentic feeling body separates from the physical body
The process of this occurrence is described in detail in a book called fear no evil by Eva Pierrakos and you can find her information at Pathwork.org
also Alexander Lowen wrote an incredible book detailing and explaining the issue of feeling anger to produce more healing and relaxation in the body in chapter 2 of his book titled love sex and your heart
blessed be
The whole human race needs further education
I wish you could do a video about what you think about peirsings,tattoos,and cosmetic surgery. I've had all the above and feel their is something wrong regarding traumatizing the flesh. Thank you raven sky
good idea, thank you!
A little story:
Once when I was biking to my brothers apartment I passed by a farmer's market and there were these really hate filled people on the corners of the street shouting into megaphones about gay people and genetic modification and stuff like that, and I had to stop in amongst them to cross this busy street and they had a big guy with them for protection.
I was a little uncomfortable.
But I was going to my brother's to have fun, so I was determined I wouldn't let this alter my good mood. I was almost amused, like i had swollowed a bug. What missfutune!
Anyway, an old man came up to me and offered me a paper and all I did was I showed him my attempt at a stoic face (I'm sure I just looked like I had a rage in me though) and I showed him my palm and said in as steady a voice as I could: "No thank you." And he didn't press the matter.
I couldn't stop my leg from shaking on the petal. But I also couldn't stop from smiling the rest of the way there.
P.S. Please don't hate on christians in the comments. Morel, healing, self fofilled people don't act like this. Or at least they regret being a turd later. 😂
Can you do a video on various forms of anger expression including passive versions such as silent treatment and passive aggressive behaviour which are particularly toxic to follow on from this which was very interesting and perceptive.
this is an excellent topic and an excellent video
thank you Daniel
this information is very well presented!
🙏 thank you!
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experiences. Aspects of your personal story resonate with me deeply, it is very comforting.
thank you for reminding me that i have more work to do and that i have a new project; ( to recognize more work that i still need to do to heal myself )