People pleasing is a survival strategy, we please people not out of love but out of fear, fear of rejection, fear of harm, fear of hatred etc That is why healthy people avoid us, they sense we are hypocrite. But the thing about people pleasing that I noticed is that we sometimes manipulates ourselves and convince ourself that we are pleasing people because we love them we forget that originally people pleasing is not an act of love, it is a manipulating strategy to avoid harm. Healthy people sense it.
Completely agree. The most dangerous part is the way we convince ourselves internally that we are doing it out of love, but it is more out of fear of being abandoned or being disapproved of. I remember I would invalidate the way I felt in relationships to create a false reality of things being okay instead of actually honoring myself and my feelings and speaking up to the other party about it.
Healthy people sense it, but they aren't that by it. I'm gonna guess the people who think you are a hypocrite probably aren't healthy themselves. A healthy, well adjusted person will probably be more understanding, knowing that you aren't consciously trying to manipulate, but rather something you learned as a child, because your parents, weren't healthy.
I finally broke free of being a people pleaser !!! I'll be 46 on Friday jan 12 . Happy birthday to meeeeeee!!!! My mother is a covert malignant narcissist. Breaking generational trauma & SAY NO MORE TO TOLERATING ABUSE OF ANY FORM FROM ANYBODY! great video , thank you !!!
I find the anger in being a people pleaser is spawned from not receiving that same energy you invested in them not come back to you. Makes you feel like a doormat and rather hopelessly guillible in believing in the possibility that some people have a ounce of "goodness" in them. They don't so don't bother anymore. I'm healed by being realistically truthful.
Yeah, but if you look deeply enough, they help you to understand your choice which is not healthy. This kind of action is a law of the universe or nature, call it whatever.
i recently had a severe shame attack for my people pleasing tendencies… i realized that i have a lot of people in my life who i’ve shape shifted into who they needed me to be and realized it all boils down into my strong urge to just be liked rather than liking myself
It is toxic shame inside us. It is well hidden and away from our awareness: the basic conviction that we are bad person, unworthy and inept, that there is something horrible wrong with us - instilled inside us after ACoA and ACE.
I had a spiritual awakening last summer as I realized I was LIVING FOR MY NARC MOTHER & HER APRROVAL OF ME rather than being True to myself And allowing the rejection /abandonment etc to SHOW UP so I could HEAL IT once n for all ! I live w her and as I turn 46 this week - I went through hell and back the past 6 months as the LITTLE GIRL was running was the show and doing everything to STUFF HER FEELINGS /AUTHENTICITY in order to be "loved" ... at times the pain was unbearable and I was in constant suicide ideation . The more I woke up to the ABUSE and what I was sacrificing FOR HER TO STAY COMFORTABLE while I Suffered for lying to myself, betraying myself , abandoning myself- the more she upped the abuse and did everything to make sure I was constantly being abandoned , triggered . It was HELL!!! I FINALLY reached out to a shaman in Oct & been doing DEEP HEALING especially surrounding this SHAME I CARRY and this generational trauma !!
Shame attacks are horrible. Its Okay. Fuck em if they juge you for what you were before, you don't need their opinions if you like yourself. In fact, you don't need shame!!!
My toxic family pitted us kids against each other, competing for their love and approval. As an adult I tried to get to know one of my sisters in an authentic way (without people pleasing). She couldn't let go of her perception of me as a younger kid and even said 'you aren't as lovable like you used to be'. Sad realization that authenticity irritates toxic people.
In my journey of recovery from these tendencies, “tactics” to try and make sure I was liked, I’ve come to a counterintuitive realization that being “liked” is a scam of the ego. People pleasing might make people like you, but dropping those tendencies will earn respect, sometimes even from people who aren’t pleased with what you say or do. And above that, being authentic is a way to earn respect *for yourself*. That is far more rewarding than trying to make the people around you like you 100% of the time.
I carried my people pleasing into my marriage. I sat down one day and I realized that I didn’t know who I was anymore. It’s an uphill battle and the starting point is recognizing how Damaging people pleasing is and how it imprisons us and keeps us from living an authentic life.
I think it's happening to me too. Everything I was doing is responding to my parents. so who am I when their trauma on me is no longer relevant? I don't know entirely yet!!!
Fauning is my "favourite" trauma response. Before I became aware of my defense mechanisms and trauma responses I thought I was just polite and kind and I considered it a virtue (talk about denial!). I am still hypervigilant 24/7 cursed with this 6th sense which allows me to perfectly scan the environment and know exactly what others want me to say or how they expect me to react to never make them angry but to make them like and accept me. It is a form of manipulation but this manipulation served me for a very long time to survive in my family home. It's just very difficult to change and start setting boundaries because when you do you feel such unease as if you spit someone in their face. Life post CPTSD combined with PTSD is brutal.
I feel u. like, on a lot of what you expressed. Especially "when you do [start setting boundaries] you feel such unease as if you spit someone in their face." thanks for speaking up 🙏.
It is not only manipulation. It is survival strategy. Often we are coerced into fawning. Coercive control. Coercive control is criminal act in some countries. There is abusive, manipulative, dangerous person on the other side who is pushing us into people pleasing - via criticizing, unfair judgment, abuse, mocking, violence. IT is really important that we realize that trauma responses are coping mechanisms. They are not character, they are not personality, they are not who we are as person. It is simply strategy to survive abnormal people and abnormal situation. When we are not aware of this, we will add more trauma on top of the existing one and cause unnecessary new burdens to carry: that we are bad person who is "manipulative" - while in reality we were controlled and manipulated into it.
Same. But once I understood it a month ago, I already had a power back, because I can be conscious about my behaviour, be present, feel what drives my behaviour, and change it! About hyper vigilance is true, I was functioning this way 4 decades so far, it’s very exhausting, but yes, it’s one 6th sense, like superpower - we can scan ll around, but now we can use it only when we really need.
Thank You. Those psychopathic parents creating children just for the purpose of making them their slaves and to act on their psychopathy towards a child without any consequences by brainwashing the child it was all good - only the child was bad so needed to be punished. I remember the psychopathic, monster "father" :) telling me when I was 11-12 years old that he is going to tell my future husband who I really am (the worst possible of course:) without any description of what evil had I done. I was just a child with sadistic monster brainwashing me all the time about who I was- but I have always know he was evil and not normal and he knew he was evil too and enjoyed it/
@@elizaveta2407 I agree. I was paying to explain what had happened to me over and over and it wore me out, left me drained and extremely dysregulated. I guess it was their job to just sit, listen, and offer no help. One day I asked myself, Why am I spilling my guts and reliving my childhood hell to someone who doesn't give a f about me, And paying to experience this?
I think the hardest part of people-pleasing is, as much as I've struggled to recognize that I am that way, that it works. I people-please automatically and find that this is the way I feel safest because everyone likes it in some degree... the moment I do what I really want to, I get anxious, because I'm not in control anymore. I know that I have to expose myself to not being liked and just let go of that strategy, but currently it feels worse to loosen up. I know I have to keep going, but I've been trying to relax for a year or so and I see little progress.
I am not even religious but you are god sent!!! I felt so understood and seen , it's hard to watch almost. THANK YOU! keep helping others if you can and want. 😊 Happy holidays to every people pleasers! Be gentile with yourself.
I can relate to that. I was always a very angry kid in my teenage years, and I had a passive aggressive way of relating to my peers. The anger shows up in relationships.
"People pleasing is a survival strategy, we please people not out of love but out of fear, fear of rejection, fear of harm, fear of hatred etc That is why healthy people avoid us, they sense we are hypocrite. But the thing about people pleasing that I noticed is that we sometimes manipulates ourselves and convince ourself that we are pleasing people because we love them we forget that originally people pleasing is not an act of love, it is a manipulating strategy to avoid harm. Healthy people sense it."
I love the way you articulate your thoughts, I love how you post relevant content that genuinely can be digested and used for daily life. Your videos have helped me immensely. On a different level that is, I can’t thank you enough.
Cheers. I've just finished reading The Unseen, written by Norwegian Roy Jacobsen. The enigmatic title became a challenge to decipher, and who doesn't love a challenge. Research and recovery from childhood violence which I endured, not survived as some would suggest, led me to numerous conclusions. I've spent years trying to let go. From the beginning my personal research led me to assume I needed to pursue a WHY: why did it happen? why was I mistreated? why did he ...? why why why ... Recently, I discovered in actuality I was really pursuing who who who, mainly, who am I. Decoding The Unseen is a seminal moment for me. It is as momentous to me as the difference between BCE and CE. My research spurred me on to literally millions of different sources, many I gathered together like collecting stamps. RUclips provides an even greater source. But there must inevitably come to pass a time to realise and appreciate when enough is enough. For me, that moment is now. My digging into every nook and cranny is now at an end. Therefore, I feel no further need to follow, subscribe, make assumptions about difficulties in my brain. I am ready to move on to the next level of learning.
I've people pleased so much that I ended up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown. The times I set boundaries I feel like Im going to fall apart. I keep thinking it's easier to remain silent but it doesn't work. People don't respect me because they say I'm sweet and nice🤮
Appeasement and fawn responses have in their structure the people pleasing. And Dr Porges, the creator of Polyvagal theory, and surrounding specialists equivalent appease with Stockholm syndrome, it’s the same
The way you described how you parents lied to you that you were loved unconditionally - I experienced that from my mother. Its validating to hear. My father was in a brutal way more honest - he just said that he didnt talk to us, becouse his father didnt talk to him. But he was just more honest about his cruelty, not that he was less cruel. Even more in many ways. All the video was very helpfull, powerfull and illuminating on this topic. Thank you as always.
Awareness makes things better, not acting out, or even necessarily "standing up for yourself" . Sometimes you literally have to interact with bad people, for the sake of keeping a roof over your had and being a member of the community, go along, reduce interacting with them, and focus on aligning with your true self, quietly.
I really get you Daniel. I am a huge people pleaser. My dad is a narcissist and my mum was basically passive with the things he was doing to us. I am 22 years old now and I left home because of college. I hadn't realized how toxic I had grew up until the day I left my house. I started searching up for things in order to understand why I was feeling this way and why people were treating me this way. I am getting better. I hope one day I'll be able to reach the mental state I want to. I love my parents but I am afraid that once I become economically independent things will go downhill ( I already have a rocky relationship). Hope one day I'll be able to fully stand up for myself, love myself and walk away from people that don't appreciate me. Great video!
Took me a life time to figure out to stop being with people from whom I have to protect myself. It's not only the effort of trying to build a nin-people pleasing that is so, so hard. But it's the overwhelming grief of what was lost and what could have been I am very grateful to have you walking beside me on this path and in many cases showing me the way. Thank you Daniel
Daniel, thank you for being honest and open for those of us whom keep fighting to stay on the right path with courage, vulnerability, and determination. It's always good to know we're not alone when it seems like it a lot of the time.
Joe, I appreciate Daniel too. His reflective honesty is a breath of fresh air. This past summer I joined an ACA group (includes dysfunctional family not just alcoholic families) and that has helped me feel less alone and encouraged my healing. There are many of us like you.
People Pleasing/Codependency was literally killing me. In order to make mediocre people feel accomplished and successful I became an unemployed alcoholic. Among peers as a kid I became the weird/eccentric/crazy kid. Luckily, I rescued myself before it was too late. I learned that other people are only looking out for themselves - and I can do the same! Having shouldered the burden of propping up adult's self esteem as a child and still maintaining some semblance of my own - gaurantee you they'll manage. Other people are responsible for themselves and you are for you. That boring person you feel that you need to make small talk with because they appear uncomfortable - not your problem! That bum on the median at the stoplight giving you puppy-dog eyes? Personally, I remember every single time my dad giving them money and saying "there for the grace of God go I." In fact, on a near daily basis my dad would come home and start exaggeratedly prognosticate about how we were going to end up homeless. These are the people we people please for! In this politically correct, everyone love everyone climate there are wolves in sheeps' clothing everywhere. People have figured out how to weaponize patheticness. Please - for the sake of you - help yourself more and help the greater them less. People pleasing and caring so much about what other felt and thought put me into the hospital on numerous occasions with panic attacks. What was looking back was some bitch nurse rolling her eyes at me about wasting her valuable candy crush time on graveyard shift. Critical care techs are the only ones doing the real work. Catch your own oxygen mask first.
I'm noticing the rage Daniel described. Been people pleasing since I can remember. I'm currently in high school and since about a year ago I have been noticing the extremely harmful ways of my 'friends', but I could never stand up and say a word. In fact, I have actually just tried to ignore it, because the false self fears abandonment and rejection, which will appear when I speak up. My true intentions are too radical for my false self, so its trying to protect me by stopping me from taking any action. Maybe I can compromise by not distancing myself from all the bad people at once.. regardless, I crave to take the long denied action
You impress me with your internal dialogue and awareness. Maybe as long as you're aware of the fact that you're suppressing your true thoughts, while being aware of your true thoughts, maybe that's wise at this critical stage of life. I get the possible need to go along to get along for now. You can bust out your real personality after you're finished with high school and have more control over your destiny. Best wishes to you, you're gonna do great 👍🏻 😊
@@Vic-Meow I am so so thankful for your kind words. What you described is exactly what I'm trying to do: get along now, so that later when I'm done with high school and am 18 years old I can distance myself from all the harmful people in my environment. Currently, I can't do much when I live in such an environment where a part of me stops me from accessing deep and buried feelings. All I know is that they're there and impact my decisions at all times. Thank you so much for responding and encouraging me, along with making me see my past thoughts and giving me this moment to reflect on where I'm at :)
You're ahead of the game with this level of self awareness in high school. Be proud of yourself and make sure you take the time to laugh often. You're crushing it!
Thank you for this great video! There are so many narcissistic and borderline parents who equate having a child as getting a build in friend and therapist whose job is to make them feel good and please them. It's challenging to get out of that mindset, but definitely possible!
Working in retail and food and beverage in order to live and survive contorted me into heavy people pleasing for years, it’s a bad habit to develop and to break. We live in a very sick society and working with the public like that is a pretty good way to gauge the world of humans which is worthwhile but too much exposure to it can hurt one’s self esteem and your confidence.
Having a foster parent who loved me conditionally and treated me like your father did, I found that ppl trying to bully me was the one time I could stand up for myself.
My god, this is precisely what I have dealt with growing up. Thank you for putting words to something that before I could only feel. Processing these things that have happened has been a huge step to recovery in my adulthood.
Thanks Danial this video has me in tears and your book was so triggering I believe that I mentioned that before. I was in the same situation and I haven't seem my own mother and father for a while now. Last christmas was the last time I saw my own mother and she still tries to send presents and it's just an extremely fake relationship plus she shows toxic positivity which is the worst and is very codependent. My father is emotionally not there for me he checked out a long time ago, he gas lights me, has called me horrible things like saying that I'm gaining wait, told me to leave him and his family alone (sense my parents are divorced). He abused me and my family when we were younger telling us to stop bitting are nails, get our hair out of our face, not eat with our mouth open, to move our water out of the way so we don't know it over. ABUSE at it's CORE! And I became just like my father so I did the right thing and broke up with my family, boyfriend, etc and now all I have left right now is my job no friends, no boyfriend, no family I won't be doing all that I need real not fake so I'm done. I've even given up all the stuff that hurts me in the end like alcohol, weed, sex, etc. Idk how I'm gonna end up but I'm not my parents and I never will be again this is my breaking point I'm done. Plus I struggle with negative thoughts and feeling not good enough ever even though I got employee of the month in September. I'm just done though...I have no confidence and nothing left it's awful. No one comments it's rare on youtube I literally feel alone. Even have been taking shrooms which helps with the trauma but am feeling so depressed it just feels like nothing helps...it sucks. But see the more I get away from all my parents the more lonely and depressed I get and I know my part but I'm over it. I am a people pleaser always the fing one to apologize when it's rare my dad apologizes and my mom never once has apologized for anything she's says they both aren't parents they are children.
FANTASTIC message! I relate. Thank you Daniel! Spot on. I continue to work on this everyday and feel much better for it. Thanks for the messages you've shared, i have learned a lot. The Christian church I used to attend was full of "people pleasers" and also fake people who knew how to manipulate people pleasers. All the best to you. ☮
Wow Daniel,❤ I came when I saw the episode about *Forgiveness* Your brutal honesty is helping my life. I am grateful to have found you! Watching from West 🌍 Africa.
Daniel I am a medical doctor, a general practitioner. I work a lot in my psychotherapy on people pleasing. I try to tell my truth as I see it. Today I went to a pharma sponsored conference. First lecturer was a psychiatrist that talked only about medications for treating depression. I asked 2 questions: Dear Dr. is there a medical scanning device that you can put the patient into to get his diagnosis, like PTSD or schizophrenia and how this reflects on the biological model of mental ilness or are your diagnoses all about check lists? Second: What didnt you say that psychotherapy has an effect size o 0,85, while Lexapro has 0,37, which means psychotherapy is almost twice as effective for treating depression. There was silence in the room. As expected biological psychiatrist avoided the question and answered with nonsense, like its serious mistake not to give antidepressant to a severely depressed person, almost malpractice mistake. Anyway I am on speciality training to become a general practitioner. I have a designated mentor, an older woman doctor thats nice with me and she encourages my inquisitivness. The problem is that her collegue, another female doctor who is an official mentor to another resident has told her that this monday she is going to, to quote her: Wash my ears for the things I ve said and give me essays I ll have to write. I thought about giving her the appropriate studies and engage her, but now I am thinking of politely saying to her: Dear collegue I am 35 yrs old and have the right to speak my mind. I reject writting you essays because you are not my official mentor, I am not a child.
So many sociopaths hidden in medical industry. They use psychiatry to fulfill their abnormal urges: to abuse and harass, control and manipulate hapless victims who seek genuine help.
I applaud you for speaking your truth in public; people need to do that more instead of cowering. I am also absolutely in agreement with you about the superiority of therapy to drugs. The world needs more doctors like you that understand the power of humans to heal each other. Some other observations on your anecdote: * Bullying is the other side of people pleasing, and this colleague wanted to bully you because you wouldn't toe the line * Bullying and people pleasing (aka brown nosing, ass kissing, etc.) is a way of life in many professional arenas * I'm a long-time software developer and I've observed the same patterns in my work * As a recovering people-pleaser myself, I've had bullies seriously derail my career Thanks for your thought-provoking comment!
@@deanmotho3477 I managed and was 'me' when I was with my children, But if you understand what it is like to grow up with a real Narc, you would understand. I held on too long hoping I could finally get a relationship with my mother. Long story!
I am a people pleaser and I can only express the anger behind it around very specific people. Usually that expresses itself by trying to run away, but when I realize that the other person hasn’t preemptively rejected me, I can connect with that anger and work through it rather than just ruminating and stewing on it
I was raised by a narcissistic mother. I was innately a people pleaser, but she elevated that trait within me to catastrophic levels. It has destroyed my life!
Two things have done a lot for my people pleasing recovery. The first is money and my increasing "island of saftey" which allows a safe net to fall into if enforcing my boundaries ends up costing me income for a while. Second one which may sound like hooey but getting physically stronger. When people see you have muscle theyre much less likey to try to get on your bad side and treat you different. Also gives you a sense of confidence that if someone does try to harm you that youll be much more able to defend yourelf more effectivly with less effort.
"It's confusing to make real friends when you don't know how to be a real self." That hit close to home, there was a time when having a personality/self was so uncomfortable for me that it hurt. I told myself that living for others was easier and I wished I didn't have to be my own person. It's relieving to know that I am not alone.
Dear Daniel, heartfelt thanks for this and your other videos. Listening to you today I feel less alone. I relate to all you have said. I have so much respect and warmth for you. You are very brave and smart. Inspirational. Your help is invaluable. ❤
Thank you Daniel. Your video really gets to the core of it. When I slip into people pleasing I have an uncomfortable physical reaction. At least I now know when I am people pleasing bc for decades I didn't. "I forgive myself for not knowing what I didn't know, until I learned it".
Haven't watched the video yet but I had a relationship fall apart solely because my girlfriend was a people pleaser. While I understand it's not black and white, and that not all people pleasers would be neglectful or hurtful to their partners, I find myself bitter to people pleasers in general because of her. Basically, she had treated strangers better than she treated me. And saw me in a negative light, and insulted me for it, for not being a people pleaser to strangers as well. I believe in respecting others and having default nice mannerisms, but beyond that you shouldn't have to insult or treat your partner with disrespect because they won't bend over backwards for every stranger ever, as if their time and respect is more valuable than your own. Good news is since the relationship, I have gotten way better at self love. And I no longer require validation from others for everything like I used to.
@@jadek5822 I think you are exactly right. I thought so much that I loved myself before her. And I did, but in a toxic unhealthy way. I didn't love myself unconditionally, was hard on myself, and got mad at myself for things outside of my control, including very vain things. I would have never known different if she was never in my life and for me to see what wasn't actually self love. Some people who were in relationships that didn't work out think of it as lost time but I don't. The amount of lessons I was able to learn, and the new lessons that are now available to me with my additional perspectives, are invaluable and wouldn't have been possible if it wasn't for my time with her.
I understand. Imagine being in a relationship for 5 years proposing and getting married, just to find out afterwards that she hates you because you expressed you have a sexual boundary. And she expects me to obliterate my desires and preferences like she did for me without me asking her to. I’ve never been so gaslit in my life. I’m the horrible one for having a self and wanting to keep it rather than sacrifice all my boundaries (and self definition) at the altar of pleasing her. She is mad I won’t do the same for her but no matter how much I tell her that her idea is not functional and she needs to be able to accept my hard boundaries, she has threatened to leave, punched holes in walls, pointed knives at me. She is now visiting her parents again after a complete mental breakdown. I hate it so much. It’s essentially fraud. Apparently everything she gave was attached to this string and my love means nothing. None of it was authentic because it was all about getting what she wanted in the end. And even though she says she is trying, she won’t get over it or let it go after a whole year of her destroying everything over it.
@@Chriskriller I'm super sorry about your experiences and current circumstances. A big part of me never wants to marry anyone for any reason, and your experiences support that. It's not that we can't think we love someone enough to spend the rest of our lives with them, it's that there are sides to people that they won't show, that can cause everything to fall apart. If everyone was always authentic then that's one thing, but that's not reality. I understand that for some people they just grow apart in a relationship, which is understandable and fair. But when marriages don't work out because one partner chose not to be authentic with the other, that's a different story, and I'm super sorry that you're living through this.
Your parents conditioned you to love them to the point of hating yourself. They want your love to be for them only & not directed to you or others. People pleasing is only a side-effect of that. The only real cure is to stand up against them & tell them they are doing something illegal & against the law.
Jesus this is your best video. I got so much insight from this! Most of my friends that I’ve had in my life have been people who all had people pleaser friends like me. As I started to slowly stand up for myself, they showed their ugly sides. Usually ending in me cutting them off, one happened recently This video made me realize I’ve made so much progress over the last 3 years. I have a long way to go but I’m still proud
So beautifully expressed! I can fully relate to this. Although we might've been compelled by circumstances to be people pleasers we do not have to be that way all our lives! It's like getting a load off your chest, heaving a huge sigh of relief....just being authentic!
I was literally just speaking to my mother about my people pleasing and upbringing right when this video was uploaded. I just became aware of this complex I navigate the world in. The hardest part has been trying to honor my feelings and connect with my inner voice again. I know it's the path to heal but Ive been functioning around others for so long that I don't even know myself. Its so painful but I'm trying to embrace this pain and grief to honor myself.
Dearest friend, this felt very painful. After all these years, after all these tears... It seems there is no other path to Truth. Thank you for being brave to feel the pain and be honest. It is so rare, that when I need some comfort at the thought that I am alone in this journey, I come and watch one of your painful confessions or one of the stories of Michael Meade and find solace that there a few souls out there seeking the Truth at the highest cost. “There is no coming to consciousness without pain.”
wonderful Daniel, Thank you! I'm a recovering p.p as well. Though my parents died years ago my 'bad' habits continued. I tried (and succeeded) to find replacements for them; difficult relationships. Now at the age of 64 I've learnt to stand up for myself in a new way. It's been extraordinarily painful, both emotionally and physically. Some old 'friends' can't bear me because I've changed. I've put up photos of me as a kid, and I love him in a way I never thought possible. Life is challenging, but the internal rages are quietening down, partly because I know that my real rage is about 2 dead people that can no longer harm me. I've needed to find embodiment techniques for my body to speak it's rage and hurt. I really think that any transformation needs to include the whole person.
Thank you! I needed this. Fight flight freeze fawn. I do all of them. The perks of being traumatised and fearing people to your core. I don’t know if you do these videos to please others, but they do help me a lot. When you have no one, not even religion, it’s the little secular, rational voice in my head that still takes care of me. I had no adult in my life while growing up to get the role of the mentor for me to go back to when i needed, i felt very disoriented in my teens and twenties, and this fills a part of that void.
ThankU!!👍Your statement, paraphrase, anger is the motivator of boundaries, was a bombshell. If i'm denying my anger, thennn.... umm how can i have/set/create boundaries
You are one of the best people I have ever listened to. Thank you keep shining. I send you love from Switzerland from a people pleaser's soul in recovery as well.
Thanks for sharing. You describe my journey so well. I just turned 21 and have been going through the transformation. Spent the last year and half reading books, listening to podcasts, going within and journaling and am finally slowly starting to feel like myself and have hope. It can feel overwhelming by how deep the delusion goes, but its freeing to finally allow myself to breath and feel. We got this!
Thank you. I became a caretaker and people pleaser when I was 18 and my mom got terminal cancer. I didn't have the college experience you had but it was enmeshed with my family. Also, my parents were both competent therapists, but when I asked to see a therapist they referred me to this crazy new age psychoanalyst and when I cried for help saying she was crazy, they ignored it. Daily free association of my inner child while my mom was dying destroyed my life. I agree with you that most therapists are quacks. I'm now at rock bottom in life and advocating for myself will be hard. I feel like I'm not a person and don't have a self. During childhood I also had to survive by people pleasing and ignoring my own needs as well. Sometimes the question I have is whether or not I'm a person, or if I exist to serve others. Anyway, thanks for this video.
u have a self, a strong self at that since you care about yourself so much that u crave the constant approval of others to feel good, the problem is wanting to feel good, the solution is to forgive them since its the mothers who pass down this fake people lover nature on their children and the need for approval, forgive them and move on u owe them absolutely nothing if anything they owe u since it was their choice to even bring you into this mess of a life theyre simmering in
@@mrplayer406 Thank you. The insight that I have a self because I care what people think is a new way of looking at things. And forgiving is important too, to find freedom.
@@Csmith878 yes my friend there is no freedom without forgiveness as long as the anger stays towards the people who took away our inherent freedom, u just gotta realize this was done to your parents by their parents and the snowball just keeps rolling
It makes me sad to realize how despite becoming aware of my people pleasing tendencies through content like this and Dr. Glover’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, I still struggle with subconsciously acting in ways to ease the tension with people. It really is gonna take a concerted effort on my part to overcome this.
I have realized that people pleasing is like a family curse that makes it impossible to be my authentic self. Can you please make a video on how narcissistic parents treat their kids through their adulthood?
I’m really sorry for what you went through. I can hear the pain in your voice. I can feel the pain of the memories of what happened to you and see it etched on your face when you talk about it. I just don’t think this type of abuse ever leaves someone’s body or soul. My mother mercilessly abused me. She would hit me if I didn’t get the pans clean and grab my arm with her fingernails and just rip my arm to shreds. It was awful. I tried people pleasing with her but it just made it worse. She did it in front of my sisters so they learned to hate me too. I’m sure they thought I must be a horrible child for a mother to treat the child that way. My sisters then went to school and told all the kids how awful I was so of course I was bullied in school even by people who claimed to call themselves my friends. I used to bring tons of candy to school thinking that for that one moment of time while they were getting their free candy, maybe they would be nice to me but even in those moments, they bullied me and laughed at me and made fun of me as they took the candy and went on their way. It was a humiliating experience. Fast forward decades later of course I chose a job in sales, which is rejection 24 hours a day, but I succeeded and did well. I was trained for this rejection so I did well because I was used to it and now when I look back at the lives of the people in grade school or my siblings, which I have been no contact with for almost a decade their lives and they are all miserable and alcoholic and many are either divorced or divorcing or on multiple divorces,drugs etc. I purposely never married or had children because I was terrified I would repeat the cycle of abuse. I knew that I would repeat the cycle of abuse. I still feel the rage inside of me from being treated so dismissively and cruel. Anytime I join a group, or like a rescue group or any type of group I am still the scapegoat of the group. Once I see the dynamic, I do pull away and end all contact. I’m a good and kind person and if people choose to take advantage of that or think I’m fake or whatever goes through their twisted mind which then causes them to then be cruel to me in the face of me being kind then that’s on them. At least now I no longer people please to have them be kind. I might momentarily people please not recognizing that I’m in the dynamic yet again but the second I do I’m gone. Your videos are saving countless lives …thank you so much for taking the time to make them. You have saved more than likely many, many lives. I wish I could have therapy with someone like you. I wish I could find a therapist like you. They are very rare. I’m in Texas so they are even more rare. You are truly blessed with the gift of kindness and communication.❤
i'm just finally trying to make the progress of working on my people pleasing tendencies and it's really putting me through the ringer i must admit. definitely one of the hardest mental health struggles i've had in recent years.
Well spoken. I suppose at the heart of it is the fear that we are not enough to face our adversities and adversaries, so we submit to the coersions in our environments to please. In doing so we never build the experientially derived true confidence in our abilities to stand up for what's real and true for ourselves. We lose out on the opportunity to practise and flex our capabilities when we're too fearful to try and "I cannot" becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
11:001:28 we(them(parent figure)) love you unconditionally, as long as you first conditionally make us happy, and please us (result subjugated belief (twisted/warped sense of self, of honesty)) crappy strategy, but it works (making the best of a very bad deal) people pleasing can very often be a rotten strategy for having a satisfying self-loving adult life. people pleasers, you’re not your real self; not being honest about who you are.
People-pleasing [extreme agreeableness] is definitely something that can be horrible. I would also like to point out that the opposite, pride/narcissism [extreme disagreeableness] is also horrible. The ideal is probably somewhere in the middle, something like listening to your own genuine emotions and thoughts, treating yourself as something valuable AND doing the same to others, so both parties can work together towards what's good.
It is a process that can be different for everyone, I think. Not only do we have different backgrounds but we also can have very different future relationships that can be anywhere from healthier than before to a healthiest potential. I personally think that we are all born with a spiritual assignment in this world and some of us have opportunities to work through significantly deep experiences. Some people heal their life and take it to an unimaginable level and others might unlock some very profound levels and still experience a lifetime of vigilantly managing more than anyone can know.
I usually get anxious when I hear people sniff and cough, if I encounter someone doing it I would automatically act like I'm busy or something thus I'm being a people pleaser. How can I stop this it is very distressing for me.
Thank you Daniel for being vulnerable and open it's so helpful , you are a great relator of knowledge and life skills I only wish for more demographics to hear your messages. Bravo xoxox
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People pleasing is a survival strategy, we please people not out of love but out of fear, fear of rejection, fear of harm, fear of hatred etc That is why healthy people avoid us, they sense we are hypocrite. But the thing about people pleasing that I noticed is that we sometimes manipulates ourselves and convince ourself that we are pleasing people because we love them we forget that originally people pleasing is not an act of love, it is a manipulating strategy to avoid harm. Healthy people sense it.
Completely agree. The most dangerous part is the way we convince ourselves internally that we are doing it out of love, but it is more out of fear of being abandoned or being disapproved of. I remember I would invalidate the way I felt in relationships to create a false reality of things being okay instead of actually honoring myself and my feelings and speaking up to the other party about it.
Healthy people sense it, but they aren't that by it. I'm gonna guess the people who think you are a hypocrite probably aren't healthy themselves. A healthy, well adjusted person will probably be more understanding, knowing that you aren't consciously trying to manipulate, but rather something you learned as a child, because your parents, weren't healthy.
Nicely put 👍
There are no healthy people _ please grow up
It’s like you are telling my story.. its so healing ❤️🩹 and refreshing.. thank you 🙏
I finally broke free of being a people pleaser !!! I'll be 46 on Friday jan 12 . Happy birthday to meeeeeee!!!! My mother is a covert malignant narcissist. Breaking generational trauma & SAY NO MORE TO TOLERATING ABUSE OF ANY FORM FROM ANYBODY! great video , thank you !!!
HELL YEA
breaking generational trauma and not taking any abuse from anyone! Luv you girl. : D
My mother is a narcissist as well.
Hey, RESPECT to you!❤❤❤
Did you stop being kind?
People pleasing is not a good solution. Because if it goes "well", you just get a load of people you dislike following you around.
So true, top comment😂❤
Lol this was for me right?
Wow...that really hits home for me!
Then you just made yourself an excellent leader. Even people who dislike you will follow you.
@@RealityCheck1you dislike them not the other way around
I find the anger in being a people pleaser is spawned from not receiving that same energy you invested in them not come back to you. Makes you feel like a doormat and rather hopelessly guillible in believing in the possibility that some people have a ounce of "goodness" in them. They don't so don't bother anymore. I'm healed by being realistically truthful.
Yeah, but if you look deeply enough, they help you to understand your choice which is not healthy. This kind of action is a law of the universe or nature, call it whatever.
i recently had a severe shame attack for my people pleasing tendencies… i realized that i have a lot of people in my life who i’ve shape shifted into who they needed me to be and realized it all boils down into my strong urge to just be liked rather than liking myself
damn this is deep. fucking awesome work 🤜 🔥 🤛
It is toxic shame inside us. It is well hidden and away from our awareness: the basic conviction that we are bad person, unworthy and inept, that there is something horrible wrong with us - instilled inside us after ACoA and ACE.
I had a spiritual awakening last summer as I realized I was LIVING FOR MY NARC MOTHER & HER APRROVAL OF ME rather than being True to myself And allowing the rejection /abandonment etc to SHOW UP so I could HEAL IT once n for all ! I live w her and as I turn 46 this week - I went through hell and back the past 6 months as the LITTLE GIRL was running was the show and doing everything to STUFF HER FEELINGS /AUTHENTICITY in order to be "loved" ... at times the pain was unbearable and I was in constant suicide ideation . The more I woke up to the ABUSE and what I was sacrificing FOR HER TO STAY COMFORTABLE while I Suffered for lying to myself, betraying myself , abandoning myself- the more she upped the abuse and did everything to make sure I was constantly being abandoned , triggered . It was HELL!!! I FINALLY reached out to a shaman in Oct & been doing DEEP HEALING especially surrounding this SHAME I CARRY and this generational trauma !!
You are not alone 🤍
Shame attacks are horrible. Its Okay. Fuck em if they juge you for what you were before, you don't need their opinions if you like yourself. In fact, you don't need shame!!!
My toxic family pitted us kids against each other, competing for their love and approval. As an adult I tried to get to know one of my sisters in an authentic way (without people pleasing). She couldn't let go of her perception of me as a younger kid and even said 'you aren't as lovable like you used to be'. Sad realization that authenticity irritates toxic people.
What a shitty thing to say from your sister
In my journey of recovery from these tendencies, “tactics” to try and make sure I was liked, I’ve come to a counterintuitive realization that being “liked” is a scam of the ego. People pleasing might make people like you, but dropping those tendencies will earn respect, sometimes even from people who aren’t pleased with what you say or do. And above that, being authentic is a way to earn respect *for yourself*. That is far more rewarding than trying to make the people around you like you 100% of the time.
I carried my people pleasing into my marriage. I sat down one day and I realized that I didn’t know who I was anymore. It’s an uphill battle and the starting point is recognizing how
Damaging people pleasing is and how it imprisons us and keeps us from living an authentic life.
I think it's happening to me too. Everything I was doing is responding to my parents. so who am I when their trauma on me is no longer relevant? I don't know entirely yet!!!
self love and acceptance is the key, once you get that, you've got it made.
Fauning is my "favourite" trauma response. Before I became aware of my defense mechanisms and trauma responses I thought I was just polite and kind and I considered it a virtue (talk about denial!). I am still hypervigilant 24/7 cursed with this 6th sense which allows me to perfectly scan the environment and know exactly what others want me to say or how they expect me to react to never make them angry but to make them like and accept me. It is a form of manipulation but this manipulation served me for a very long time to survive in my family home. It's just very difficult to change and start setting boundaries because when you do you feel such unease as if you spit someone in their face. Life post CPTSD combined with PTSD is brutal.
I feel u. like, on a lot of what you expressed. Especially "when you do [start setting boundaries] you feel such unease as if you spit someone in their face." thanks for speaking up 🙏.
It is not only manipulation. It is survival strategy.
Often we are coerced into fawning.
Coercive control.
Coercive control is criminal act in some countries. There is abusive, manipulative, dangerous person on the other side who is pushing us into people pleasing - via criticizing, unfair judgment, abuse, mocking, violence.
IT is really important that we realize that trauma responses are coping mechanisms. They are not character, they are not personality, they are not who we are as person. It is simply strategy to survive abnormal people and abnormal situation.
When we are not aware of this, we will add more trauma on top of the existing one and cause unnecessary new burdens to carry: that we are bad person who is "manipulative" - while in reality we were controlled and manipulated into it.
Same.
Same. But once I understood it a month ago, I already had a power back, because I can be conscious about my behaviour, be present, feel what drives my behaviour, and change it!
About hyper vigilance is true, I was functioning this way 4 decades so far, it’s very exhausting, but yes, it’s one 6th sense, like superpower - we can scan ll around, but now we can use it only when we really need.
Thank You. Those psychopathic parents creating children just for the purpose of making them their slaves and to act on their psychopathy towards a child without any consequences by brainwashing the child it was all good - only the child was bad so needed to be punished. I remember the psychopathic, monster "father" :) telling me when I was 11-12 years old that he is going to tell my future husband who I really am (the worst possible of course:) without any description of what evil had I done. I was just a child with sadistic monster brainwashing me all the time about who I was- but I have always know he was evil and not normal and he knew he was evil too and enjoyed it/
I just love it when you passionately talk from your heart Daniel. There's so much authenticity and depth and wisdom and vulnerability. :)
Thank you for giving a language to survivors. I have had to do so much emotional labor explaining this shit to therapists.
I believe therapists are supposed to explain this to people, not the other way around. If your therapist doesn't get it, it's a red flag imo.
@@elizaveta2407 I agree. I was paying to explain what had happened to me over and over and it wore me out, left me drained and extremely dysregulated. I guess it was their job to just sit, listen, and offer no help. One day I asked myself, Why am I spilling my guts and reliving my childhood hell to someone who doesn't give a f about me, And paying to experience this?
I think the hardest part of people-pleasing is, as much as I've struggled to recognize that I am that way, that it works. I people-please automatically and find that this is the way I feel safest because everyone likes it in some degree... the moment I do what I really want to, I get anxious, because I'm not in control anymore.
I know that I have to expose myself to not being liked and just let go of that strategy, but currently it feels worse to loosen up. I know I have to keep going, but I've been trying to relax for a year or so and I see little progress.
I am not even religious but you are god sent!!! I felt so understood and seen , it's hard to watch almost. THANK YOU! keep helping others if you can and want. 😊 Happy holidays to every people pleasers! Be gentile with yourself.
I can relate to that. I was always a very angry kid in my teenage years, and I had a passive aggressive way of relating to my peers. The anger shows up in relationships.
Yep the anger is the damn worst I struggle with it over the littlest things.
@@mariahconklin4150 thankfully, I've sloughed off a lot of it. But it still shows up sometimes.
"People pleasing is a survival strategy, we please people not out of love but out of fear, fear of rejection, fear of harm, fear of hatred etc That is why healthy people avoid us, they sense we are hypocrite. But the thing about people pleasing that I noticed is that we sometimes manipulates ourselves and convince ourself that we are pleasing people because we love them we forget that originally people pleasing is not an act of love, it is a manipulating strategy to avoid harm. Healthy people sense it."
You heard that and is repeating.
So sad!
I love the way you articulate your thoughts, I love how you post relevant content that genuinely can be digested and used for daily life. Your videos have helped me immensely. On a different level that is, I can’t thank you enough.
Cheers. I've just finished reading The Unseen, written by Norwegian Roy Jacobsen. The enigmatic title became a challenge to decipher, and who doesn't love a challenge. Research and recovery from childhood violence which I endured, not survived as some would suggest, led me to numerous conclusions. I've spent years trying to let go. From the beginning my personal research led me to assume I needed to pursue a WHY: why did it happen? why was I mistreated? why did he ...? why why why ... Recently, I discovered in actuality I was really pursuing who who who, mainly, who am I. Decoding The Unseen is a seminal moment for me. It is as momentous to me as the difference between BCE and CE.
My research spurred me on to literally millions of different sources, many I gathered together like collecting stamps. RUclips provides an even greater source. But there must inevitably come to pass a time to realise and appreciate when enough is enough. For me, that moment is now. My digging into every nook and cranny is now at an end. Therefore, I feel no further need to follow, subscribe, make assumptions about difficulties in my brain. I am ready to move on to the next level of learning.
I've people pleased so much that I ended up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown. The times I set boundaries I feel like Im going to fall apart. I keep thinking it's easier to remain silent but it doesn't work. People don't respect me because they say I'm sweet and nice🤮
Omg same. I literally feel my heart breaking 💔 like I'm having a panic attack 😢 I end up crying cause I'm so angry
I hope you are doing better
When asked if I love my mom, I can response: "oh, what I feel is *way* beyond love. It's more like the Stockholm Syndrome..."
Appeasement and fawn responses have in their structure the people pleasing. And Dr Porges, the creator of Polyvagal theory, and surrounding specialists equivalent appease with Stockholm syndrome, it’s the same
The way you described how you parents lied to you that you were loved unconditionally - I experienced that from my mother. Its validating to hear. My father was in a brutal way more honest - he just said that he didnt talk to us, becouse his father didnt talk to him. But he was just more honest about his cruelty, not that he was less cruel. Even more in many ways.
All the video was very helpfull, powerfull and illuminating on this topic. Thank you as always.
5:50 you can still feel the pain of betrayal in the voice when he speaks of his dad. :(
Awareness makes things better, not acting out, or even necessarily "standing up for yourself" . Sometimes you literally have to interact with bad people, for the sake of keeping a roof over your had and being a member of the community, go along, reduce interacting with them, and focus on aligning with your true self, quietly.
I really get you Daniel. I am a huge people pleaser. My dad is a narcissist and my mum was basically passive with the things he was doing to us. I am 22 years old now and I left home because of college. I hadn't realized how toxic I had grew up until the day I left my house. I started searching up for things in order to understand why I was feeling this way and why people were treating me this way. I am getting better. I hope one day I'll be able to reach the mental state I want to. I love my parents but I am afraid that once I become economically independent things will go downhill ( I already have a rocky relationship). Hope one day I'll be able to fully stand up for myself, love myself and walk away from people that don't appreciate me. Great video!
Took me a life time to figure out to stop being with people from whom I have to protect myself.
It's not only the effort of trying to build a nin-people pleasing that is so, so hard. But it's the overwhelming grief of what was lost and what could have been
I am very grateful to have you walking beside me on this path and in many cases showing me the way. Thank you Daniel
This is my mother's story except she never got away from her parents and siblings. She's had an incredible life of subjugation.
Daniel, thank you for being honest and open for those of us whom keep fighting to stay on the right path with courage, vulnerability, and determination. It's always good to know we're not alone when it seems like it a lot of the time.
Joe, I appreciate Daniel too. His reflective honesty is a breath of fresh air. This past summer I joined an ACA group (includes dysfunctional family not just alcoholic families) and that has helped me feel less alone and encouraged my healing. There are many of us like you.
@Amy. Keep up the good fight, and thank you for sharing too, Amy. We will keep persevering and getting there.
@@joe-yuugen Thank you 😊
This is a good fight. 💪
man, i love you from the deepest core of my soul. thank you for existing, thank you for helping.
People Pleasing/Codependency was literally killing me. In order to make mediocre people feel accomplished and successful I became an unemployed alcoholic. Among peers as a kid I became the weird/eccentric/crazy kid. Luckily, I rescued myself before it was too late. I learned that other people are only looking out for themselves - and I can do the same! Having shouldered the burden of propping up adult's self esteem as a child and still maintaining some semblance of my own - gaurantee you they'll manage.
Other people are responsible for themselves and you are for you. That boring person you feel that you need to make small talk with because they appear uncomfortable - not your problem! That bum on the median at the stoplight giving you puppy-dog eyes? Personally, I remember every single time my dad giving them money and saying "there for the grace of God go I." In fact, on a near daily basis my dad would come home and start exaggeratedly prognosticate about how we were going to end up homeless. These are the people we people please for!
In this politically correct, everyone love everyone climate there are wolves in sheeps' clothing everywhere. People have figured out how to weaponize patheticness. Please - for the sake of you - help yourself more and help the greater them less. People pleasing and caring so much about what other felt and thought put me into the hospital on numerous occasions with panic attacks. What was looking back was some bitch nurse rolling her eyes at me about wasting her valuable candy crush time on graveyard shift. Critical care techs are the only ones doing the real work.
Catch your own oxygen mask first.
Omg so true , making below medircore people feel accomplished.... that is literally me !!!!
People pleasing is different from having general empathy and wanting to help out someone who’s helpless. There is a difference
I'm noticing the rage Daniel described. Been people pleasing since I can remember.
I'm currently in high school and since about a year ago I have been noticing the extremely harmful ways of my 'friends', but I could never stand up and say a word. In fact, I have actually just tried to ignore it, because the false self fears abandonment and rejection, which will appear when I speak up.
My true intentions are too radical for my false self, so its trying to protect me by stopping me from taking any action. Maybe I can compromise by not distancing myself from all the bad people at once.. regardless, I crave to take the long denied action
You impress me with your internal dialogue and awareness. Maybe as long as you're aware of the fact that you're suppressing your true thoughts, while being aware of your true thoughts, maybe that's wise at this critical stage of life. I get the possible need to go along to get along for now. You can bust out your real personality after you're finished with high school and have more control over your destiny. Best wishes to you, you're gonna do great 👍🏻 😊
@@Vic-Meow I am so so thankful for your kind words. What you described is exactly what I'm trying to do: get along now, so that later when I'm done with high school and am 18 years old I can distance myself from all the harmful people in my environment.
Currently, I can't do much when I live in such an environment where a part of me stops me from accessing deep and buried feelings. All I know is that they're there and impact my decisions at all times.
Thank you so much for responding and encouraging me, along with making me see my past thoughts and giving me this moment to reflect on where I'm at :)
You're ahead of the game with this level of self awareness in high school. Be proud of yourself and make sure you take the time to laugh often. You're crushing it!
Thank you for this great video! There are so many narcissistic and borderline parents who equate having a child as getting a build in friend and therapist whose job is to make them feel good and please them. It's challenging to get out of that mindset, but definitely possible!
Yep that's what I was diagnosed with BPD but I think i have PTSD from the trauma I have been through
Working in retail and food and beverage in order to live and survive contorted me into heavy people pleasing for years, it’s a bad habit to develop and to break. We live in a very sick society and working with the public like that is a pretty good way to gauge the world of humans which is worthwhile but too much exposure to it can hurt one’s self esteem and your confidence.
Having a foster parent who loved me conditionally and treated me like your father did, I found that ppl trying to bully me was the one time I could stand up for myself.
My god, this is precisely what I have dealt with growing up. Thank you for putting words to something that before I could only feel. Processing these things that have happened has been a huge step to recovery in my adulthood.
Thanks Danial this video has me in tears and your book was so triggering I believe that I mentioned that before. I was in the same situation and I haven't seem my own mother and father for a while now. Last christmas was the last time I saw my own mother and she still tries to send presents and it's just an extremely fake relationship plus she shows toxic positivity which is the worst and is very codependent. My father is emotionally not there for me he checked out a long time ago, he gas lights me, has called me horrible things like saying that I'm gaining wait, told me to leave him and his family alone (sense my parents are divorced). He abused me and my family when we were younger telling us to stop bitting are nails, get our hair out of our face, not eat with our mouth open, to move our water out of the way so we don't know it over. ABUSE at it's CORE! And I became just like my father so I did the right thing and broke up with my family, boyfriend, etc and now all I have left right now is my job no friends, no boyfriend, no family I won't be doing all that I need real not fake so I'm done. I've even given up all the stuff that hurts me in the end like alcohol, weed, sex, etc. Idk how I'm gonna end up but I'm not my parents and I never will be again this is my breaking point I'm done. Plus I struggle with negative thoughts and feeling not good enough ever even though I got employee of the month in September. I'm just done though...I have no confidence and nothing left it's awful. No one comments it's rare on youtube I literally feel alone. Even have been taking shrooms which helps with the trauma but am feeling so depressed it just feels like nothing helps...it sucks. But see the more I get away from all my parents the more lonely and depressed I get and I know my part but I'm over it. I am a people pleaser always the fing one to apologize when it's rare my dad apologizes and my mom never once has apologized for anything she's says they both aren't parents they are children.
It really does suck😢❤❤❤❤
Thank you! You're actually really helpful! Not like most of the "teachers"
FANTASTIC message! I relate. Thank you Daniel! Spot on. I continue to work on this everyday and feel much better for it. Thanks for the messages you've shared, i have learned a lot.
The Christian church I used to attend was full of "people pleasers" and also fake people who knew how to manipulate people pleasers. All the best to you. ☮
One of the most well articulated talks of this kind I've heard. I relate to this to my core.
This has been the most sincere video regarding this issue I have watched. Thanks.🙏🏻
Wow Daniel,❤
I came when I saw the episode about *Forgiveness*
Your brutal honesty is helping my life.
I am grateful to have found you!
Watching from West 🌍 Africa.
Daniel I am a medical doctor, a general practitioner. I work a lot in my psychotherapy on people pleasing. I try to tell my truth as I see it. Today I went to a pharma sponsored conference. First lecturer was a psychiatrist that talked only about medications for treating depression. I asked 2 questions: Dear Dr. is there a medical scanning device that you can put the patient into to get his diagnosis, like PTSD or schizophrenia and how this reflects on the biological model of mental ilness or are your diagnoses all about check lists? Second: What didnt you say that psychotherapy has an effect size o 0,85, while Lexapro has 0,37, which means psychotherapy is almost twice as effective for treating depression. There was silence in the room. As expected biological psychiatrist avoided the question and answered with nonsense, like its serious mistake not to give antidepressant to a severely depressed person, almost malpractice mistake. Anyway I am on speciality training to become a general practitioner. I have a designated mentor, an older woman doctor thats nice with me and she encourages my inquisitivness. The problem is that her collegue, another female doctor who is an official mentor to another resident has told her that this monday she is going to, to quote her: Wash my ears for the things I ve said and give me essays I ll have to write. I thought about giving her the appropriate studies and engage her, but now I am thinking of politely saying to her: Dear collegue I am 35 yrs old and have the right to speak my mind. I reject writting you essays because you are not my official mentor, I am not a child.
It's horrible how much medication is prescribed and how little skill there is with therapists.
So many sociopaths hidden in medical industry. They use psychiatry to fulfill their abnormal urges: to abuse and harass, control and manipulate hapless victims who seek genuine help.
I applaud you for speaking your truth in public; people need to do that more instead of cowering. I am also absolutely in agreement with you about the superiority of therapy to drugs. The world needs more doctors like you that understand the power of humans to heal each other.
Some other observations on your anecdote:
* Bullying is the other side of people pleasing, and this colleague wanted to bully you because you wouldn't toe the line
* Bullying and people pleasing (aka brown nosing, ass kissing, etc.) is a way of life in many professional arenas
* I'm a long-time software developer and I've observed the same patterns in my work
* As a recovering people-pleaser myself, I've had bullies seriously derail my career
Thanks for your thought-provoking comment!
Thanks a lot for your comment, I really appreciate it@@bobtins
Love your videos. Thank you for your frank authenticity. You have helped me heal from trauma and made me a better healer. ✌🏽
..and I only found my self when I was 60.
I’m 66 and still trying to find myself.
@tonywright8342 hey,tell me more about yourself. Why is it that you've not found yourself for 66 years?
@@deanmotho3477 I managed and was 'me' when I was with my children, But if you understand what it is like to grow up with a real Narc, you would understand. I held on too long hoping I could finally get a relationship with my mother. Long story!
Your conclusion is so powerful that I teared up.
Thank you Daniel, as always, for shining light and bringing clarity 🌞
I am a people pleaser and I can only express the anger behind it around very specific people.
Usually that expresses itself by trying to run away, but when I realize that the other person hasn’t preemptively rejected me, I can connect with that anger and work through it rather than just ruminating and stewing on it
I was raised by a narcissistic mother. I was innately a people pleaser, but she elevated that trait within me to catastrophic levels. It has destroyed my life!
Two things have done a lot for my people pleasing recovery. The first is money and my increasing "island of saftey" which allows a safe net to fall into if enforcing my boundaries ends up costing me income for a while.
Second one which may sound like hooey but getting physically stronger. When people see you have muscle theyre much less likey to try to get on your bad side and treat you different. Also gives you a sense of confidence that if someone does try to harm you that youll be much more able to defend yourelf more effectivly with less effort.
This is very authentic and smart
We are so glad you stopped People Pleasing! The truth of you is awesome ❤ especially in the sharing with us.
"It's confusing to make real friends when you don't know how to be a real self." That hit close to home, there was a time when having a personality/self was so uncomfortable for me that it hurt. I told myself that living for others was easier and I wished I didn't have to be my own person. It's relieving to know that I am not alone.
Dear Daniel, heartfelt thanks for this and your other videos. Listening to you today I feel less alone. I relate to all you have said. I have so much respect and warmth for you. You are very brave and smart. Inspirational. Your help is invaluable. ❤
Thank you Daniel. Your video really gets to the core of it. When I slip into people pleasing I have an uncomfortable physical reaction. At least I now know when I am people pleasing bc for decades I didn't. "I forgive myself for not knowing what I didn't know, until I learned it".
excellent work as always
Haven't watched the video yet but I had a relationship fall apart solely because my girlfriend was a people pleaser. While I understand it's not black and white, and that not all people pleasers would be neglectful or hurtful to their partners, I find myself bitter to people pleasers in general because of her.
Basically, she had treated strangers better than she treated me. And saw me in a negative light, and insulted me for it, for not being a people pleaser to strangers as well. I believe in respecting others and having default nice mannerisms, but beyond that you shouldn't have to insult or treat your partner with disrespect because they won't bend over backwards for every stranger ever, as if their time and respect is more valuable than your own.
Good news is since the relationship, I have gotten way better at self love. And I no longer require validation from others for everything like I used to.
Maybe she was in your life to teach you what wasn’t self love? Self love attracts those that have self love. Healthy relationships are the best!
@@jadek5822 I think you are exactly right. I thought so much that I loved myself before her. And I did, but in a toxic unhealthy way. I didn't love myself unconditionally, was hard on myself, and got mad at myself for things outside of my control, including very vain things. I would have never known different if she was never in my life and for me to see what wasn't actually self love. Some people who were in relationships that didn't work out think of it as lost time but I don't. The amount of lessons I was able to learn, and the new lessons that are now available to me with my additional perspectives, are invaluable and wouldn't have been possible if it wasn't for my time with her.
I understand. Imagine being in a relationship for 5 years proposing and getting married, just to find out afterwards that she hates you because you expressed you have a sexual boundary. And she expects me to obliterate my desires and preferences like she did for me without me asking her to. I’ve never been so gaslit in my life. I’m the horrible one for having a self and wanting to keep it rather than sacrifice all my boundaries (and self definition) at the altar of pleasing her.
She is mad I won’t do the same for her but no matter how much I tell her that her idea is not functional and she needs to be able to accept my hard boundaries, she has threatened to leave, punched holes in walls, pointed knives at me. She is now visiting her parents again after a complete mental breakdown.
I hate it so much. It’s essentially fraud. Apparently everything she gave was attached to this string and my love means nothing. None of it was authentic because it was all about getting what she wanted in the end. And even though she says she is trying, she won’t get over it or let it go after a whole year of her destroying everything over it.
@@Chriskriller I'm super sorry about your experiences and current circumstances. A big part of me never wants to marry anyone for any reason, and your experiences support that. It's not that we can't think we love someone enough to spend the rest of our lives with them, it's that there are sides to people that they won't show, that can cause everything to fall apart. If everyone was always authentic then that's one thing, but that's not reality. I understand that for some people they just grow apart in a relationship, which is understandable and fair. But when marriages don't work out because one partner chose not to be authentic with the other, that's a different story, and I'm super sorry that you're living through this.
Thanks man. I actually feel seen 😂❤
Thanks for choosing to put yourself out there. I see you and share in your pain and struggles. You are giving humanity a broader definition. ❤
Your parents conditioned you to love them to the point of hating yourself. They want your love to be for them only & not directed to you or others. People pleasing is only a side-effect of that. The only real cure is to stand up against them & tell them they are doing something illegal & against the law.
You have such an amazing spirit considering everything you have overcome! You give hope to us all ❤🙏
Thank you.. you and I had a similar upbringing. What you say resonates a lot with me.
Your videos always have a nice flow and rhythm, sort of like a poem or dance. Especially at the end
i really needed to hear this. thank you
Jesus this is your best video. I got so much insight from this! Most of my friends that I’ve had in my life have been people who all had people pleaser friends like me. As I started to slowly stand up for myself, they showed their ugly sides. Usually ending in me cutting them off, one happened recently
This video made me realize I’ve made so much progress over the last 3 years. I have a long way to go but I’m still proud
So beautifully expressed! I can fully relate to this. Although we might've been compelled by circumstances to be people pleasers we do not have to be that way all our lives! It's like getting a load off your chest, heaving a huge sigh of relief....just being authentic!
I was literally just speaking to my mother about my people pleasing and upbringing right when this video was uploaded. I just became aware of this complex I navigate the world in. The hardest part has been trying to honor my feelings and connect with my inner voice again. I know it's the path to heal but Ive been functioning around others for so long that I don't even know myself. Its so painful but I'm trying to embrace this pain and grief to honor myself.
Daniel can you please make a video on hypervigilence......
Thanks for this video btw....
It ruins relationships in a horrible spiral if it’s not from abuse. If from abuse it’s a survival tactic
Thank you for this. I relate really deeply. I hope I can break out of being a people pleaser too.
...thank you, I needed to hear this.
I appreciate your videos, Daniel! I love your perspective about so many things related to healing.
Dearest friend, this felt very painful. After all these years, after all these tears... It seems there is no other path to Truth.
Thank you for being brave to feel the pain and be honest. It is so rare, that when I need some comfort at the thought that I am alone in this journey, I come and watch one of your painful confessions or one of the stories of Michael Meade and find solace that there a few souls out there seeking the Truth at the highest cost.
“There is no coming to consciousness without pain.”
wonderful Daniel, Thank you! I'm a recovering p.p as well. Though my parents died years ago my 'bad' habits continued. I tried (and succeeded) to find replacements for them; difficult relationships. Now at the age of 64 I've learnt to stand up for myself in a new way. It's been extraordinarily painful, both emotionally and physically. Some old 'friends' can't bear me because I've changed. I've put up photos of me as a kid, and I love him in a way I never thought possible. Life is challenging, but the internal rages are quietening down, partly because I know that my real rage is about 2 dead people that can no longer harm me. I've needed to find embodiment techniques for my body to speak it's rage and hurt. I really think that any transformation needs to include the whole person.
Thank you! I needed this. Fight flight freeze fawn. I do all of them. The perks of being traumatised and fearing people to your core. I don’t know if you do these videos to please others, but they do help me a lot. When you have no one, not even religion, it’s the little secular, rational voice in my head that still takes care of me. I had no adult in my life while growing up to get the role of the mentor for me to go back to when i needed, i felt very disoriented in my teens and twenties, and this fills a part of that void.
ThankU!!👍Your statement, paraphrase, anger is the motivator of boundaries, was a bombshell. If i'm denying my anger, thennn.... umm how can i have/set/create boundaries
You are one of the best people I have ever listened to. Thank you keep shining. I send you love from Switzerland from a people pleaser's soul in recovery as well.
Thanks for sharing. You describe my journey so well. I just turned 21 and have been going through the transformation. Spent the last year and half reading books, listening to podcasts, going within and journaling and am finally slowly starting to feel like myself and have hope. It can feel overwhelming by how deep the delusion goes, but its freeing to finally allow myself to breath and feel. We got this!
Beautifully said 👏 ❤
Thank you for the sharing. I am in the midst of recovering from people pleasing and it is very encouraging to see video like this.
Thank you. I became a caretaker and people pleaser when I was 18 and my mom got terminal cancer. I didn't have the college experience you had but it was enmeshed with my family. Also, my parents were both competent therapists, but when I asked to see a therapist they referred me to this crazy new age psychoanalyst and when I cried for help saying she was crazy, they ignored it. Daily free association of my inner child while my mom was dying destroyed my life. I agree with you that most therapists are quacks. I'm now at rock bottom in life and advocating for myself will be hard. I feel like I'm not a person and don't have a self. During childhood I also had to survive by people pleasing and ignoring my own needs as well. Sometimes the question I have is whether or not I'm a person, or if I exist to serve others. Anyway, thanks for this video.
u have a self, a strong self at that since you care about yourself so much that u crave the constant approval of others to feel good, the problem is wanting to feel good, the solution is to forgive them since its the mothers who pass down this fake people lover nature on their children and the need for approval, forgive them and move on u owe them absolutely nothing if anything they owe u since it was their choice to even bring you into this mess of a life theyre simmering in
@@mrplayer406 Thank you. The insight that I have a self because I care what people think is a new way of looking at things. And forgiving is important too, to find freedom.
@@Csmith878 yes my friend there is no freedom without forgiveness as long as the anger stays towards the people who took away our inherent freedom, u just gotta realize this was done to your parents by their parents and the snowball just keeps rolling
It makes me sad to realize how despite becoming aware of my people pleasing tendencies through content like this and Dr. Glover’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, I still struggle with subconsciously acting in ways to ease the tension with people. It really is gonna take a concerted effort on my part to overcome this.
Wow just narrated my child hood. Wow let the healing begin lol
I have realized that people pleasing is like a family curse that makes it impossible to be my authentic self. Can you please make a video on how narcissistic parents treat their kids through their adulthood?
Wow, thank you very much. You just spoke to my heart especially in the last 5 minutes or so. Thank you
Thank you again, for your insights !
I’m really sorry for what you went through. I can hear the pain in your voice. I can feel the pain of the memories of what happened to you and see it etched on your face when you talk about it. I just don’t think this type of abuse ever leaves someone’s body or soul. My mother mercilessly abused me. She would hit me if I didn’t get the pans clean and grab my arm with her fingernails and just rip my arm to shreds. It was awful. I tried people pleasing with her but it just made it worse. She did it in front of my sisters so they learned to hate me too. I’m sure they thought I must be a horrible child for a mother to treat the child that way. My sisters then went to school and told all the kids how awful I was so of course I was bullied in school even by people who claimed to call themselves my friends. I used to bring tons of candy to school thinking that for that one moment of time while they were getting their free candy, maybe they would be nice to me but even in those moments, they bullied me and laughed at me and made fun of me as they took the candy and went on their way. It was a humiliating experience. Fast forward decades later of course I chose a job in sales, which is rejection 24 hours a day, but I succeeded and did well. I was trained for this rejection so I did well because I was used to it and now when I look back at the lives of the people in grade school or my siblings, which I have been no contact with for almost a decade their lives and they are all miserable and alcoholic and many are either divorced or divorcing or on multiple divorces,drugs etc. I purposely never married or had children because I was terrified I would repeat the cycle of abuse. I knew that I would repeat the cycle of abuse. I still feel the rage inside of me from being treated so dismissively and cruel. Anytime I join a group, or like a rescue group or any type of group I am still the scapegoat of the group. Once I see the dynamic, I do pull away and end all contact. I’m a good and kind person and if people choose to take advantage of that or think I’m fake or whatever goes through their twisted mind which then causes them to then be cruel to me in the face of me being kind then that’s on them. At least now I no longer people please to have them be kind. I might momentarily people please not recognizing that I’m in the dynamic yet again but the second I do I’m gone. Your videos are saving countless lives …thank you so much for taking the time to make them. You have saved more than likely many, many lives. I wish I could have therapy with someone like you. I wish I could find a therapist like you. They are very rare. I’m in Texas so they are even more rare. You are truly blessed with the gift of kindness and communication.❤
i'm just finally trying to make the progress of working on my people pleasing tendencies and it's really putting me through the ringer i must admit. definitely one of the hardest mental health struggles i've had in recent years.
Your honestly Daniel is admirable. Great video.
It's when the people you have tried to please at the cost of yourself....continue to treat you like crappie....thanks Daniel. ❤
you are always sending the right message :)
Thank you
Well spoken. I suppose at the heart of it is the fear that we are not enough to face our adversities and adversaries, so we submit to the coersions in our environments to please. In doing so we never build the experientially derived true confidence in our abilities to stand up for what's real and true for ourselves. We lose out on the opportunity to practise and flex our capabilities when we're too fearful to try and "I cannot" becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Mackler Morning Video lets gooo
11:00 1:28 we(them(parent figure)) love you unconditionally, as long as you first conditionally make us happy, and please us
(result subjugated belief (twisted/warped sense of self, of honesty))
crappy strategy, but it works
(making the best of a very bad deal)
people pleasing can very often be a rotten strategy for having a satisfying self-loving adult life.
people pleasers, you’re not your real self; not being honest about who you are.
dude your story is real sad i’m glad you’re doing better now. i can relate. my girl sent this to me because im having trouble with it!
Thanks for that, great message
People-pleasing [extreme agreeableness] is definitely something that can be horrible. I would also like to point out that the opposite, pride/narcissism [extreme disagreeableness] is also horrible. The ideal is probably somewhere in the middle, something like listening to your own genuine emotions and thoughts, treating yourself as something valuable AND doing the same to others, so both parties can work together towards what's good.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge
It is a process that can be different for everyone, I think. Not only do we have different backgrounds but we also can have very different future relationships that can be anywhere from healthier than before to a healthiest potential.
I personally think that we are all born with a spiritual assignment in this world and some of us have opportunities to work through significantly deep experiences. Some people heal their life and take it to an unimaginable level and others might unlock some very profound levels and still experience a lifetime of vigilantly managing more than anyone can know.
I usually get anxious when I hear people sniff and cough, if I encounter someone doing it I would automatically act like I'm busy or something thus I'm being a people pleaser. How can I stop this it is very distressing for me.
Some time ago I realized I was a people pleaser and went to the other extreme of not pleasing anyone.
Thank you Daniel for being vulnerable and open it's so helpful , you are a great relator of knowledge and life skills I only wish for more demographics to hear your messages. Bravo xoxox